All language subtitles for You Cant Win em All (1970)

Previously on "Faking It"...

Prom will now be
mandatory.

[bleep], now I have to go
to prom with Karma.

This is a disaster.

- Why don't we go together?
- Yeah, let's do it.

No way you're going to prom
with your ex-boyfriend.

It's not like it'd be
a real date.

- Uh...
- Liam, you've grown.

I'm gonna ask my crush
to prom myself.

- Same here!
- There he is right now.

What if we all went
to prom together?

- I'm in.
- Thruple date.

Well, well, if it isn't
the third wheel

on my prom date
tricycle.

I think Wade would call it
more of a bicycle.

You're just the training wheels
ready to come off at any moment.

Well, if anything,
I'm about gonna come on,

blasting Wade so hard
with my A-game,

he won't even remember
the name Loser.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I meant Karma.

Listen here, you little sh...

...ane, it's Wade.
Hi.

Hey, I didn't mean
to interrupt.

- Nothing to interrupt.
- No, not at all.

Maybe this thruple date
isn't such a good idea

if it's gonna cause problems
between you two.

Problems?
There are no problems.

This is just
our bicker-y banter.

We don't always see
eye to eye.

Yeah, but opposites attract,
like we learned in chemistry.

And from Paula Abdul.

So you guys are...
you're cool with each other?

Oh, cooler than cool.
We are really close.

So close, in fact,
we've kissed,

because I'm attracted
to girls sometimes too.

Me too.
I have kissed girls.

One girl, singular.

But, like, a bunch of times.
[chuckles]

So tomorrow night's a go?

- Can't wait.
- Absolutely.

Sync and corrections by explosiveskull
www.addic7ed.com

Is this a joke?
How does anyone ever

get these things
to stay up?

Boob tape
and good fortune.

Ugh.
Can we be done with this?

We're finding you the perfect
dress for your big date.

It's not a date.

No more calling it that,
especially around my mother.

So she doesn't know
you're going with a boy?

She can't know.
Her head might explode.

Ooh, this looks like you.

Actually,
I was thinking more...

this.

Holy nip slip, that V goes
all the way down to your V.

I know.

Shane can't compete
with this cleavage.

Is that the only reason you're
doing this, to beat Shane?

What?

No, I-I really like Wade.

I mean, he's cute
and funny and...

Into girls and guys.
That doesn't bother you?

O-M-G. Reagan,
I didn't realize you were here.

Low blow.

But, okay, point taken.

Unlike your
close-minded ex-girlfriend,

I'm totally cool if Wade wants
to swing both ways.

In the course
of a single night?

He's going out with you and
another guy at the same time.

And, oh, yeah, that other guy
happens to be Shane...

- your nemesis.
- Nemesis?

- Uh-huh.
- Hardly.

Karma's my nemesis.

Let her push all she wants,
I'm not giving her an inch.

All of Wade's inches
will be mine.

Yeah, but Wade seems
to like Karma.

He only thinks he likes her.
He's like a gay butterfly

not yet sprung forth
from its cocoon.

He's still, like,
10% bi-curious caterpillar,

caught in transition.

Right, 'cause guys
cannot be bi.

Exactly.
Like Bigfoot.

You know, there's a sighting
every now and then,

but, like, no one has
real proof.

You're doing that thing
where you say "like" a ton,

which means you don't even
believe yourself.

Okay, fine.
If you want me to let Karma

have Wade all to herself
so that they bump and grind

on the dance floor
and beyond...

- No!
- Shh.

Uh...
[chuckles]

I mean, I can't really
tell you what to do.

- But I can.
- Shh.

Uh, excuse me,
I'm a substitute teacher here.

These stupid rules
don't apply to me.

You're lucky
I don't write you up.

I hope I'm half as cool
when I'm old like you.

Got to make a run for econ.
Bye, Sash.

It's only six years,
skid mark.

So is this where you tell me
that I've been

a naughty schoolboy
and you need to discipline me?

What the hell are you
babbling about?

Your unrelenting mission
to seduce me?

[chuckles]
I'm sorry, what?

Maybe in Little Liam's
12-year-old

choke-your-chicken-
to-my-school-photo dreams.

That was just the one time.
And wait a second...

just the other day,
you told me

that you wanted to teach me
a thing or two.

Yeah, in history class.

You licked my ear.

I lick plenty of ears.

It was a joke.
I'm funny like that.

So that's how you
want to play it?

Liam, games are for children,
like you.

[sighs] Theo, you have to come up
with new excuses,

or else people are
going to figure us out.

Five minutes?
What happened to the usual ten?

It's prom week.
I can really only spare five.

So start talking.

Lauren, I know you
said yes to Tommy

because you're mad at me,

so stop avoiding me
and let's talk about this.

Look, Tommy
is a necessary evil,

and I haven't been
avoiding you.

I'm just super busy
planning prom.

It's just a party
in the gym.

"A party in the gym"?

Theo, prom is
a rite of passage

forged through decades
of tradition.

It's a night that every student
here will remember

for the rest of their lives,
including me.

Too bad I can't take
my boyfriend.

(Lauren) Five, six, seven, eight.
One and two...

Well, now I know being a surgeon
is out of the question.

Shh.
Tommy needs to concentrate.

- Oh!
- Ooh!

Sorry, my bad.

Of course it's your bad.
It's been your bad 17 times now.

Forget it!
Thank God I am planning prom,

because I know at least
it will be perfect,

even though
my prom date won't.

Now let's just go
up to my room.

To make out?

Gross.
No.

To review my Pinterest board
of classic photo poses.

That way, maybe you won't
screw up our prom pics.

Look who I found out front
while I was pruning the roses...

your prom date.

Amy, why didn't you tell me

that you were going to prom
with a... Felix?

[laughs]
Oh, never mind.

Um, I'll skedaddle
and let you two chat.

And, Felix, you come early
for pictures tomorrow night,

you hear?
No excuses.

[mouthing words]

With my exceptional powers
of deduction,

I'm sensing you didn't want
your mother to know about us.

Don't take it the wrong way.
It's just...

I tried really hard to get her
to accept that I'm not straight,

and now I'm sure she's in there
picking out our wedding china.

If you don't mind me asking,

if you're not straight,
then what are you?

Allergic to peanuts...
and labels.

[sighs]
I'm sorry.

Hey, don't apologize.
We're teenagers.

We're not supposed to have
all the answers, right?

Now take my tuxes.

I rented two
because I didn't know

if we were going to be serious
or subversive.

[sighs]
Me either.

I bought a strapless dress,
so prepare yourself.

I'm gonna be doing this
all night long.

[both chuckle]

It's so not me.

Hey, you could wear
a burlap sack for all I care.

Just be you.

Tempting.
It might be too itchy.

And...

I like you in the blue.

- Yeah?
- Mm-hmm.

- [camera shutter clicks]
- Oh, look at you!

Hey, hey, hold on, now.
I'm trying to take a picture.

Honey, I'm sensing
some passive aggression.

You remember
what Dr. Phillips said.

We communicate better
when we start with "I feel."

I feel like Dr. Phillips
is full of horse [bleep].

Okay, photo sesh over.

Try not to murder-suicide
each other.

That is not how I want
to remember prom night.

All right,
limo's waiting outside...

White,
just like you wanted.

So?
You want an award?

Son, have you heard of something
called a Smith & Wesson?

How you doing, hon?
You know girls.

They have to get the dress
just perfect.

Oh, can I get you
some more sweet tea?

Wow.

Well, don't you look...
handsome.

What?
Do I have a zit or something?

Um, no.
No, you don't.

All right, you two,
get together.

[chuckles]

- Assume the position.
- Ah.

Just, let's...

There we go.
Mm-hmm.

[camera shutter clicks]

Hey, let's try it
like this.

[laughs]

[camera shutter clicks]

Let's get another one,
shall we?

- Okay, how about this?
- [laughs]

Can I have one normal one?

Y'all just hold hands.

- Okay.
- All right.

- [camera shutter clicks]
- Aw.

There,
was that so hard?

[sighs]
Oh, y'all have fun tonight.

Don't do anything I wouldn't do.
[laughs]

That doesn't limit
our options.

- [laughs]
- Oh, this whole process

would have been mortifying
without you.

You're welcome.

But, you know, you're...
you're still holding my hand.

Oh.
S-sorry.

Right.

♪ Oh, I think that
if I had been enough for you ♪

(boy)
Let's get it started.

This is all wrong.

When I said I wanted
a city background,

I didn't mean
[bleep] Atlantis.

No, no more photos here.

Come back later.
This will be changed.

The mermaid's
kind of hot, though.

Make yourself useful, start
getting rid of all this seaweed.

Wow, who else can say
they have not one,

but two red-hot
prom dates?

What a crazy coincidence we both
wore the same color, huh? Crazy.

[laughs]
That tux is so fitting,

the devil himself
would be jealous.

Ha ha ha ha.

I'm gonna need to make a quick
pit stop to the bathroom.

I'll go with, since we both
have the same equipment.

[laughter]

You know, Shane's probably
right about Wade.

You could just save yourself
the trouble

and throw in the towel.

Says the guy on a date
with a skeleton.

What's wrong, already screw
everything with a pulse?

Skeleton dates,
thruple dates.

Heck, there's a pig and
a ficus tree here on a date.

Well, Principal Turner, Hester
is a different kind of school.

You say it like it's
a good thing.

(Felix) [imitating girl] But Bethanny
said that Trina said

that you'd rather
go to the dance with Kirsten.

(Amy) [imitating guy]
Kirsten? Ew, no.

She has the face
of a horse.

[both laughing]

"Face of a horse"
is genius.

[laughs]

Hey, you want to take a spin
on the dance floor?

Get a close up look
at things to mock?

Hey. Way to rock the tux.
You two look adorbs.

Okay, what can I do to make Wade
pick me over Shane?

It's, like, World War Three-way
Date over there.

Ah, that age-old
high school problem.

Hey, I'm gonna get us
some refills,

4nd don't worry, it's on me,
'cause, you know, it's free.

[laughs]

[sighs]
Okay, Amy,

Felix is my friend too, and
you have to be careful with him.

Why? Does he secretly have
that fragile glass bone disease?

Okay, Felix wants this
to be a real date,

so don't lead him on,
you know?

He does?
I mean, I'm not, I won't.

And shouldn't you be
focused on Wade?

Shane's already beating me.
I don't know what else to do.

You could do what they do
on that awful reality show

you made me watch
that one time.

If you mean The Bachelor,
it is awesome, not awful,

and...
but you're right.

This is exactly like
one of those two-on-one dates,

and I'm gonna get
that final rose.

Yeah, exactly.

Whatever that is.

Theo? Are you in here?
I don't really have time, I...

[slow dance music]

Theo, what is this?

Hello, Ms. Cooper.

Welcome to your Secret Prom.

Now you can remember prom
the right way,

with me.
May I have this dance?

Oh, and don't worry,

I've only picked songs that are
less than five minutes,

so you won't have to
set a timer.

Um, hold that thought.

While this is
really amazing,

I still have to deal
with "promageddon" out there,

so I'll hurry back,
I swear.

Okay.

Yeah, I'll be here.

[music stops]

♪ Up in the club ♪

Hey, Wade, mind if I steal you
for some one-on-one time?

You don't mind,
do you, Shane?

Of course not.
You two kids have fun.

I'm starting to feel like
the first bisexual Bachelor.

I'm obsessed
with that show.

[gasps]
Me too!

I love it when they say,

"I didn't come here
to make friends."

♪ We ain't leaving
till 6:00 in the morning ♪

♪ White linen on
Rim to the side ♪

♪ Pop cointreau
looking good, can't lie ♪

♪ Drinks I'll buy
fresh till I die ♪

♪ Never seen [indistinct]
looking so fly ♪

♪ Want to walk with it
get it, boy ♪

She's your ex, right?

Clearly she's just trying
to make you jealous,

which means she still carries
a torch for you.

Either way,
it's [bleep] up.

Especially if you're
trying to move on.

Do you...
want to move on?

Oh, come on. That, just then...
you were flirting with me.

Liam, you're delusional.

I'd rather jump his bones
than yours.

Oh, there you are.
Think someone spiked the punch.

Ooh, really? I better get some
before it's gone.

Um, were you just flirting
with my big sis?

You promised
she was off limits.

I wasn't, I promise.

And why are we even
talking about that

when Karma's out there
rubbing against Wade

like a genie might pop out.

What, are you just gonna
stand here and let that happen?

♪ Take me home, baby
give me a taste ♪

♪ Strawberry, kiwi
touch and play ♪

♪ Feed you a slice
of that pound cake ♪

This has been fun, right?

After our recent breakups,
we all deserve a little fun.

In fact, why don't we
take this three-way

back to the hotel
for some real three-way fun?

- [chuckles]
- You know, just 'cause

I'm bisexual
doesn't mean I want

to have sex with
both genders at once.

Yeah.

But in this case,
you're both insanely hot,

so yeah,
let's do that.

What do you say, Karma?

Want to take this threesome
to the next level?

[chuckles]
Uh...

♪ You a sexy girl ♪

[chuckles]

You suggested what?

You wanted me to knock out
the competish.

And you thought the best way
to do that was to suggest a...

Threesome?
Another threesome?

What about the first one
makes you think

this one is a good idea?

Relax. This one, like that one,
is never gonna happen.

Shane's only bluffing, and
I can play his game of chicken

just as long as he can.

No.
No, actually, that's when

a game of chicken
ends in a crash.

Trust me, Shane will...

Back out.
It's what Karma does

in threesomes.
You've seen it.

I also never thought
she'd tie me up

or go on a thruple date
to prom.

Believe me, Karma will be crying
in an empty juice truck

while Wade ends up
in that hotel room with...

Me, and only me.

And Shane can crawl back home
to his bunk buddy, Liam.

Okay, but it sounds like you
only want to sleep with Wade

to spite Shane.
Do you even want to?

I've had sex before.
I-I am a sex person.

That doesn't mean
that you have to

sleep with
every guy you date.

Who I sleep with is really
none of your business.

It is my business.

You're talking about
screwing my ex.

At most she'll be
in the same room.

Oh, and after all that
I've done to push Sasha away

- because you wanted...
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Like you'd even have a chance
with my sister.

Two seconds ago,
she shot you down,

so take the hint.
[chuckles]

♪ We are more than
the sum of our parts ♪

♪ We are, we are
more than our scars ♪

But if we got Baldwin
High School's prom decorations,

that means they have
prom by Lauren.

I bet they're like,
"Who the [bleep] is Lauren?"

Really, Leila?
Cursing at the prom?

There you are.
I want to show you something.

No, Tommy, I don't feel
like having my feet

stepped on right now.

♪

♪ I didn't know I was a phoenix
till I learned how to speak ♪

But you were terrible
at this.

I practiced all night.

♪ I was still born to breathe
I wonder are you like me ♪

♪ Were you left in the fire?
Are you raising yourself ♪

[cheers and applause]

♪ Above your father's empire? ♪

♪ I want to know
who ever broke you ♪

I wanted tonight
to be perfect.

♪ I want to know
how you can grow bigger ♪

♪ Don't go looking
for some kind of rescue ♪

If I'm wrong about this, we can
pretend it never happened.

Wrong about what?

♪ We are, we are
more than our scars ♪

I knew all that not-wanting-you
reverse psychology

would do the trick.

And I knew I wasn't crazy.

But we can't go
any further.

So you don't want
to kiss me again?

♪ We are, we are
more than our scars ♪

So I got us something called
Shrimp Cake Pops,

but they don't look
like shrimp or cake,

so it's a bit of a gamble.

Uh, this was a mistake.

I knew I should have gotten
mozzarella sticks.

No, no, not the food.
I...

Look, I know we said we wanted
this to be a friends thing,

but I kind of wanted it
to be something more,

because I like you,

and I don't know,
maybe your mind is elsewhere,

or maybe you're not ready
to date,

or maybe you don't like guys,
or maybe...

♪ More than
the sum of our parts ♪

[upbeat music]

Hey, you.

What is she doing?

No clue, but we have more
pressing matters to discuss.

Sorry.

I-I didn't mean to shut you up
like that.

Uh, you can shut me up like that
whenever you want.

♪ I feel the aura
and I feel the atmosphere ♪

I should ask if you have
any latex allergies,

because it's gonna be
raining rubbers in that room.

But it's still not too late
for you to back out.

♪ Life is my bass synth
I feel the attack ♪

♪ Now that I have a taste
there is no turning back ♪

Bring all the condoms
you can find,

because this threesome
is so on.

Giddyup.

♪ I know nothing
can tear us apart ♪

I'm glad you came back
when you did.

Words With Friends was
really draining my battery.

Theo, I should get back.

Uh-oh, did I do
something wrong?

Do you not like
what I did for you?

No, it's lovely.

Then why do you keep running
back out there

when you could be here,
in this moment, with me?

Because we only exist here,
in five minute increments

so people don't get
suspicious.

- Lauren...
- No.

Out there, in the real prom,
I had the perfect dance,

and it meant nothing
because it wasn't with you.

We won't have to hide forever,
only until you graduate.

That's over two years.

In high school,
that's a lifetime.

- You're just upset.
- No, Theo...

I've spent my whole life
keeping big secrets,

and just when I finally thought
I was finally free of them,

you come along.

And as much as I love you,
I can't do this anymore.

Either we go public, or...

You know I can't do that.
I'll lose my job.

So... so what are you saying?

This is it?
This is just... the end?

All right, everybody, it's time
to announce the Prom King and Queen.

Mary Lambert,
could you do the honors?

The pig and the ficus.

[cheers and applause]

[both laughing]

Seriously?
What's wrong with you people?

Hey, so listen, I just
talked to my mom

and I told her I'm staying
with you tonight,

so if she calls, you can
cover for me, right?

Because you'll be...

At the hotel
having my threesome.

I thought you said
that wasn't gonna happen.

Yeah, and I thought you
said that you weren't

gonna hurt Felix
by giving him hope,

then I saw you two kissing.
What are you doing?

What are you doing?

You used to want prom
to be a magical night

with your charming prince,
and now it's a three-way

with two guys who are
into each other?

Yeah, it is, and they're waiting
for me to get it on.

I forbid you.

You forbid me?

Mm-hmm.

What right do you have
to forbid anything?

You get to be happy with Felix.
Liam gets to be happy.

When is it my turn?

Hey, are you okay?
That looked intense.

- Can you take me home?
- Yeah.

Shane.
Shane!

Shane, do not do this,
or this is...

Or what?
You'll bang my sister?

♪ Wasting my time
and I'm feeling helpless ♪

Whoa.

Do you want to get
out of here?

Last chance to open
the parachute

before the clothes
start flying.

Afraid you can't handle
what I've got under here?

Maybe you'll faint and
I'll have Wade all to myself.

(Wade) Hey, are y'all coming,
or did this threesome

just become a one-some?

Stay on your side.

No eye contact.

(both)
We keep the lights off.

Sync and corrections by explosiveskull
www.addic7ed.com

Next on "Faking It"...

The threesome happened,
and it was fun.

(Shane) I can't be mad at you
for banging my sister

when I was up all night
banging Karma.

Oh.

Hey, there, sexy.

Hey, Lauren.
Forget your pants?

We're not having a party.

Apparently, you are. Thanks
for the invite, by the way.

What are you doing?

[garbled]
A body shot.

We need to talk about Karma.
She's out of control.