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Previously on "The Guest Book"...
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So I'm thinking of going to the
beach, making a fresh start.
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00:00:03,677 --> 00:00:06,544
This is gonna be amazing.
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New town, new people, a whole new me.
5
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Your place looks amazing.
6
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It's my mother's.
It's her income property.
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She lives in Idaho, so I
just hand out the keys.
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- I've been crashing on the beach.
- You can stay here.
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- Who's your friend?
- Bodhi?
10
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He's so exotic. [CHUCKLES]
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Introduce me. But the new me.
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00:00:23,168 --> 00:00:24,801
Remember, Tickles is dead!
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How much does the baby either look like
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00:00:27,305 --> 00:00:29,172
or not look like the
father when it's born?
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Was the guy you had sex with
the same color as your fiancé?
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♪
17
00:00:42,020 --> 00:00:44,543
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
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- Synced and corrected by medvidecek007 -
- www.addic7ed.com -
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[CHILDREN LAUGHING]
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ADAM: You have a lovely beach home
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which I rented for a family vacation.
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And I came prepared.
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I brought a random
quantity of sunscreen,
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00:01:00,872 --> 00:01:03,369
an indiscriminate amount
of plastic cups for water,
25
00:01:03,375 --> 00:01:05,275
An unspecified number of Cheez-Its,
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00:01:05,277 --> 00:01:07,212
an arbitrary variety of board games,
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00:01:07,218 --> 00:01:09,485
and a hodgepodge of karaoke CDs.
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My name is Adam, and up until recently,
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I felt compelled to count things.
30
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I grew up in a very
ordinary American home.
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But around the age of 8,
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I became less ordinary.
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I started counting... everything.
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Something about it made me happy.
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♪
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00:01:32,304 --> 00:01:33,937
No matter what else was going on...
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ANNOUNCER: Capitals score!
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... I always found more joy in counting.
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And because of that,
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I missed out on a lot of family bonding.
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- So much so, that lately
- [PHONE RINGS]
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I've started to think my
parents and my brother have
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- stopped inviting me to things.
- WOMAN: Leave a message. [BEEP]
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ADAM: [ON ANSWERING MACHINE]
Hey, guys, it's Adam.
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Just wondering if anyone
is up for hanging out.
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Maybe we could play Dominoes
47
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if I promise not to count all the dots.
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I won't look down.
49
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You can just move my pieces
50
00:01:57,829 --> 00:01:59,929
and tell me if I'm winning.
You guys there?
51
00:01:59,931 --> 00:02:01,698
Pick up if you're there.
52
00:02:01,700 --> 00:02:03,499
♪
53
00:02:03,501 --> 00:02:06,720
Okay. Well, I'll just
wait till you get home.
54
00:02:06,989 --> 00:02:10,157
One, two, three, four...
55
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I always knew the
counting might prevent me
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from my career goals,
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00:02:13,972 --> 00:02:16,316
making new friends,
or even finding love.
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00:02:16,381 --> 00:02:19,849
Hey, Adam. This is a really cool place.
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What happened to your food?
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00:02:22,220 --> 00:02:26,322
♪
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But it was the fear of losing my family
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that finally made me take
a long look in the mirror.
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00:02:31,296 --> 00:02:33,848
343 seconds, to be exact.
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I tried drugs,
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but they just made me count slower.
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00:02:39,257 --> 00:02:42,144
♪
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00:02:42,225 --> 00:02:45,059
I tried acupuncture.
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00:02:45,315 --> 00:02:47,682
That just proved to be too
much of a temptation.
69
00:02:47,688 --> 00:02:49,621
[QUIETLY] ... nine, ten,
eleven, twelve, thirteen...
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00:02:49,714 --> 00:02:51,729
I even borrowed my
neighbor's dog's collar
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00:02:51,735 --> 00:02:53,467
for a little shock therapy.
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♪
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[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES]
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[GROANING]
75
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♪
76
00:03:09,000 --> 00:03:12,799
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES]
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00:03:12,950 --> 00:03:14,909
Eventually, I went to see a therapist.
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00:03:14,916 --> 00:03:17,848
And after several months of
crying in her crying chair,
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00:03:17,854 --> 00:03:20,804
- I finally had a breakthrough.
- [ELECTRICITY CRACKLES]
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And I couldn't wait to reveal
the new me to my family.
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00:03:24,594 --> 00:03:26,528
Bernice... check it out.
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I just rented a beach house
for me and my family,
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and I didn't even count how many
clicks of the mouse it took me.
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The website even buffered,
85
00:03:32,269 --> 00:03:34,035
and I just sang quietly to myself
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without counting the rotations
of the loading wheel.
87
00:03:36,239 --> 00:03:38,340
I heard you the first
six times you said it.
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Did I say it that many times?
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Hmm. I wasn't counting.
90
00:03:41,981 --> 00:03:43,776
Ooh.
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00:03:44,389 --> 00:03:45,788
Oh, wow.
92
00:03:45,822 --> 00:03:47,555
Your nephew's gonna love that.
93
00:03:47,684 --> 00:03:50,485
I sure hope it fits. He wouldn't
let me measure him.
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Huh.
95
00:03:53,090 --> 00:03:55,031
- Here you go, man.
- [COINS RATTLE]
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Take care.
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[SNIFFS]
98
00:03:59,162 --> 00:04:01,396
I'm sorry. The keys have
gotta be here somewhere.
99
00:04:01,398 --> 00:04:02,931
I'm just a bit out of sorts.
100
00:04:02,933 --> 00:04:04,899
My fiancée gave birth last week,
101
00:04:04,901 --> 00:04:06,768
and I haven't really been sleeping.
102
00:04:06,770 --> 00:04:09,404
I looked down. [SIGHS] I
shouldn't have looked down.
103
00:04:09,406 --> 00:04:10,905
Ah, well, not a problem.
104
00:04:10,907 --> 00:04:12,507
My family doesn't arrive
till the evening.
105
00:04:12,509 --> 00:04:15,410
Normally, I'd be counting
the seconds, but I'm cured.
106
00:04:15,412 --> 00:04:17,045
Hey, Vivian, could you check and see
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00:04:17,047 --> 00:04:18,546
if the keys to the beach
house are back there?
108
00:04:18,548 --> 00:04:21,216
- VIVIAN: Okay!
- [CELLPHONE RINGS]
109
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- [CELLPHONE CLICKS]
- Hello?
110
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We're not gonna be able to make it.
111
00:04:24,488 --> 00:04:25,587
What's the matter?
112
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Look, if this is about
counting, I'm cured.
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Th-That's what I want to show you guys.
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Plus, I got everybody's favorite
snacks and board games.
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00:04:31,895 --> 00:04:33,645
And I even rented a karaoke machine
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that syncs up to cool lights,
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just like at Aunt Jean's wedding.
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Remember that wedding?
119
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That's what I wanted to
show you with the karaoke.
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- Adam, Adam, Adam.
- The karaoke is...
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00:04:40,437 --> 00:04:43,071
It sounds great, a-and I'm
sure you think you're cured,
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00:04:43,073 --> 00:04:44,606
but yesterday,
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00:04:44,608 --> 00:04:47,108
some moron drove their car
into the oil-changing pit,
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00:04:47,110 --> 00:04:48,443
and I might have to go to a funeral.
125
00:04:48,445 --> 00:04:49,944
Well, I-I could pick up Mom and Dad.
126
00:04:49,946 --> 00:04:51,379
My car only has one passenger seat,
127
00:04:51,381 --> 00:04:52,647
but I could make two trips.
128
00:04:52,649 --> 00:04:55,142
And I know that sounds like
I'm counting, but I'm not.
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00:04:55,148 --> 00:04:57,582
I'm just explaining.
130
00:04:57,618 --> 00:05:01,319
He wants to come pick
you up, one at a time.
131
00:05:01,758 --> 00:05:03,691
I think we should go.
132
00:05:03,693 --> 00:05:06,928
Why, so we can watch him
count sand for a weekend?
133
00:05:06,930 --> 00:05:08,997
If Dave's not going, I'm not going.
134
00:05:08,999 --> 00:05:10,698
Sorry, Adam. It's just
not gonna work out.
135
00:05:10,700 --> 00:05:12,434
We'll have to reschedule.
136
00:05:12,436 --> 00:05:13,601
Okay.
137
00:05:13,603 --> 00:05:14,803
[CELLPHONE BEEPS]
138
00:05:14,805 --> 00:05:17,077
[CELLPHONE BEEPS]
139
00:05:18,075 --> 00:05:19,407
[SIGHING] Oh.
140
00:05:19,409 --> 00:05:20,942
They were in my pocket the whole time.
141
00:05:20,944 --> 00:05:22,643
[CHUCKLES] Anyway, enjoy.
142
00:05:22,649 --> 00:05:23,978
[KEYS CLANK]
143
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♪
144
00:05:25,949 --> 00:05:28,580
So, it looks like I'm gonna
have a family vacation
145
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all by myself.
146
00:05:29,878 --> 00:05:31,904
Hello. You look like a local.
147
00:05:31,910 --> 00:05:34,518
A-Any tips on hot spots?
148
00:05:35,537 --> 00:05:37,152
Hello?
149
00:05:38,257 --> 00:05:39,790
Never mind.
150
00:05:40,030 --> 00:05:43,431
♪
151
00:05:43,433 --> 00:05:45,600
I'm not gonna say I'm not disappointed.
152
00:05:45,602 --> 00:05:47,022
I am.
153
00:05:48,238 --> 00:05:49,938
But I'm also worried.
154
00:05:49,940 --> 00:05:52,807
You see, part of my recovery
was revealing to my family
155
00:05:52,809 --> 00:05:55,877
what my big breakthrough was,
which wasn't gonna be easy.
156
00:05:55,879 --> 00:05:58,346
But up until now, the
excitement of doing so
157
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was keeping the counting at bay.
158
00:05:59,816 --> 00:06:01,483
But suddenly, I'm very aware of the fact
159
00:06:01,485 --> 00:06:04,953
that I've written 23 A's, 14 K's, 13 T's
160
00:06:04,955 --> 00:06:06,654
in the last 46 seconds.
161
00:06:06,656 --> 00:06:09,157
Not to mention the 27 birds
that have flown overhead.
162
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- [BIRD CAWS]
- 28 birds.
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00:06:11,436 --> 00:06:13,695
And now I've written
the letter T 22 times.
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Actually, 32, 'cause every time
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I write something, it goes up.
166
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I'm up to 36.
167
00:06:17,701 --> 00:06:18,929
39. 41.
168
00:06:18,935 --> 00:06:20,547
42. 44.
169
00:06:20,553 --> 00:06:21,832
[BOOK THUDS]
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The next day, the counting
was getting worse,
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00:06:26,721 --> 00:06:28,508
and I couldn't just sit
in your house all day
172
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staring at 8 bottles of
sunscreen, 350 plastic cups,
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00:06:31,844 --> 00:06:34,393
1,846 Cheez-Its,
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00:06:34,399 --> 00:06:37,133
22 karaoke CDs, and 12 board games,
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00:06:37,135 --> 00:06:39,702
which have a total of 811 pieces,
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00:06:39,704 --> 00:06:42,018
so I decided to venture out for lunch.
177
00:06:42,024 --> 00:06:43,056
Just one?
178
00:06:43,062 --> 00:06:44,140
Always.
179
00:06:44,142 --> 00:06:45,475
Is the bar okay?
180
00:06:45,477 --> 00:06:46,609
Sure.
181
00:06:46,611 --> 00:06:49,445
Did you used to live
up in the mountains?
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00:06:50,548 --> 00:06:53,683
Water, you said? I'll be
right back with that.
183
00:06:53,685 --> 00:06:55,551
I was hoping that being
around some people
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00:06:55,553 --> 00:06:57,666
would distract from the counting.
185
00:06:58,590 --> 00:07:00,723
But even though I was
surrounded by people,
186
00:07:00,725 --> 00:07:02,825
I was still alone.
187
00:07:02,827 --> 00:07:05,628
The bar's actually not okay.
May I sit at a table?
188
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♪
189
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♪
190
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One, two, three... Can I get a booth?
191
00:07:15,073 --> 00:07:16,405
I was spinning out of control,
192
00:07:16,407 --> 00:07:17,907
desperate for human interaction.
193
00:07:17,909 --> 00:07:19,041
I think you're wrong, honey.
194
00:07:19,043 --> 00:07:20,409
I know for a fact I'm right.
195
00:07:20,411 --> 00:07:22,178
I'd bet my new knees on it.
196
00:07:22,180 --> 00:07:23,446
What's the name of the woman
197
00:07:23,448 --> 00:07:25,014
Gary Hart cheated on his wife with?
198
00:07:25,016 --> 00:07:26,215
Who's Gary Hart?
199
00:07:26,217 --> 00:07:27,884
Gary Hart was the front runner
200
00:07:27,886 --> 00:07:29,986
- of the Democratic nomination in 1988,
- _
201
00:07:29,988 --> 00:07:31,087
and her name was Debbie Rowland.
202
00:07:31,089 --> 00:07:32,321
- No, it wasn't.
- Yes.
203
00:07:32,323 --> 00:07:34,090
Debbie Rowland was my math teacher
204
00:07:34,092 --> 00:07:36,292
- in the seventh grade.
- Donna Rice!
205
00:07:36,294 --> 00:07:38,127
- Rice.
- [SIGHS]
206
00:07:38,129 --> 00:07:39,419
Thank you, sir.
207
00:07:39,425 --> 00:07:40,792
Sure, anytime.
208
00:07:40,798 --> 00:07:42,598
I got a lot of info
in this old Google...
209
00:07:42,600 --> 00:07:43,633
Noodle.
210
00:07:43,635 --> 00:07:46,569
[ALL CHUCKLE]
211
00:07:46,571 --> 00:07:48,104
What's his name?
212
00:07:48,106 --> 00:07:50,006
This is Clark, named after my uncle,
213
00:07:50,008 --> 00:07:52,424
who almost invented a cure for
psoriasis back in the '50s.
214
00:07:52,430 --> 00:07:54,430
Oh, he is so cute.
215
00:07:54,436 --> 00:07:55,535
And big.
216
00:07:55,541 --> 00:07:56,946
Ugh, tell me about it.
217
00:07:56,948 --> 00:07:59,348
He busted through my cooch
like the Kool-Aid Man.
218
00:07:59,350 --> 00:08:01,017
[IMITATING KOOL-AID MAN] Oh, yeah?
219
00:08:01,019 --> 00:08:02,318
[LAUGHS] Okay.
220
00:08:02,320 --> 00:08:03,853
I'm gonna go check my e-mails
221
00:08:03,855 --> 00:08:06,756
since somebody decided to
cancel the Internet at home
222
00:08:06,758 --> 00:08:08,124
because we have it at work.
223
00:08:08,126 --> 00:08:09,425
You're lucky I love you.
224
00:08:09,427 --> 00:08:11,093
Mm-hmm. Love you, too.
225
00:08:11,095 --> 00:08:12,595
Just trying to save up for our wedding.
226
00:08:12,597 --> 00:08:13,963
Can't afford to spend money on things
227
00:08:13,965 --> 00:08:15,498
we could be getting for free.
228
00:08:15,500 --> 00:08:16,946
You don't hear me
complaining, and I have to
229
00:08:16,952 --> 00:08:19,235
jerk off at the library...
theoretically.
230
00:08:19,237 --> 00:08:21,771
As soon as I get some sleep,
that's where I'm gonna go.
231
00:08:22,240 --> 00:08:24,507
Well, his first name isn't "Captain."
232
00:08:24,509 --> 00:08:26,242
That's his rank in the Navy.
233
00:08:26,244 --> 00:08:27,877
Actually, Cap'n Crunch's full name
234
00:08:27,879 --> 00:08:30,271
is Horatio Magellan Crunch.
235
00:08:30,748 --> 00:08:32,348
The thought of making some friends
236
00:08:32,350 --> 00:08:33,849
started to distract me from counting,
237
00:08:33,851 --> 00:08:36,085
so I decided to step up my game.
238
00:08:36,087 --> 00:08:37,453
Psst!
239
00:08:37,455 --> 00:08:40,756
Can I have three orders
of the onion ring towers?
240
00:08:42,460 --> 00:08:45,027
Hey, Tommy. Can you put one of these up?
241
00:08:45,029 --> 00:08:46,796
Who's this?
242
00:08:46,798 --> 00:08:48,197
My buddy.
243
00:08:48,199 --> 00:08:49,865
He was smoking a joint in my van,
244
00:08:49,867 --> 00:08:51,133
and when I came back,
245
00:08:51,135 --> 00:08:53,169
the van was burned, and he was gone.
246
00:08:53,171 --> 00:08:55,071
I mean, I found some bones in the ashes,
247
00:08:55,073 --> 00:08:56,539
but I'm really hoping
248
00:08:56,541 --> 00:08:58,608
that was from the chicken I
was eating the other night.
249
00:08:58,610 --> 00:09:00,776
It's hard to tell though, you know.
250
00:09:00,778 --> 00:09:04,146
Eddie was a little guy, and
I did eat a whole bucket.
251
00:09:04,148 --> 00:09:06,749
I like the picture you drew...
Very Picasso.
252
00:09:06,751 --> 00:09:09,751
Thanks. Everyone keeps saying that.
253
00:09:10,291 --> 00:09:12,121
[HUSHED] What does "Picasso" mean?
254
00:09:12,123 --> 00:09:13,422
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
255
00:09:13,424 --> 00:09:14,701
I believe the actor you're thinking of
256
00:09:14,707 --> 00:09:16,626
is named Bob Balaban. Ooh!
257
00:09:16,628 --> 00:09:19,562
I did not expect there to
be this many onion rings.
258
00:09:19,564 --> 00:09:21,931
They look so much
smaller in the picture.
259
00:09:21,933 --> 00:09:23,466
I would hate to see these
puppies go to waste.
260
00:09:23,468 --> 00:09:24,667
You guys like onion rings?
261
00:09:24,669 --> 00:09:25,899
- Yeah.
- No. They're all right.
262
00:09:25,905 --> 00:09:29,313
Great. Probably be easier
to bring these over to you.
263
00:09:29,871 --> 00:09:31,438
♪
264
00:09:31,444 --> 00:09:34,345
Dig in, guys.
265
00:09:38,383 --> 00:09:39,582
Ah, someone getting the jump
266
00:09:39,584 --> 00:09:41,050
on some early Christmas shopping?
267
00:09:41,052 --> 00:09:42,585
[CHUCKLES] Caught me.
268
00:09:42,587 --> 00:09:44,086
Don't forget. We got a $15 limit.
269
00:09:44,088 --> 00:09:46,188
Plus, you've already given
me the best gift ever.
270
00:09:46,190 --> 00:09:47,556
[CHUCKLING] Speaking of which,
271
00:09:47,558 --> 00:09:49,091
he smells like shit, and
we're out of diapers.
272
00:09:49,093 --> 00:09:51,093
Okay. Yep. I'll be right out there.
273
00:09:51,095 --> 00:09:53,062
Okay, remember, $15 limit.
274
00:09:53,064 --> 00:09:54,297
The challenge is half the fun.
275
00:09:54,299 --> 00:09:56,065
[LAUGHS]
276
00:09:56,067 --> 00:09:57,633
[SIGHS]
277
00:09:57,635 --> 00:09:59,335
So, it was supposed to
be a family vacation.
278
00:09:59,337 --> 00:10:00,603
It's a shame they had to cancel.
279
00:10:00,605 --> 00:10:02,405
I brought a ton of food and board games.
280
00:10:02,407 --> 00:10:04,273
All Lew brought was a deck of cards.
281
00:10:04,275 --> 00:10:06,208
If I play Crazy Eights one more time,
282
00:10:06,210 --> 00:10:08,520
- I'm gonna go crazy.
- [LAUGHS]
283
00:10:08,526 --> 00:10:09,892
That's hilarious.
284
00:10:09,898 --> 00:10:11,847
No, it's not. Please
don't encourage her.
285
00:10:11,849 --> 00:10:14,050
Look, you guys are letting
me crash your lunch.
286
00:10:14,052 --> 00:10:15,518
Can I get another place setting?
287
00:10:15,520 --> 00:10:18,020
The least I could do is have
you over for game night.
288
00:10:18,022 --> 00:10:19,144
- Sure.
- Sure.
289
00:10:19,150 --> 00:10:20,289
[SUCKING TEETH]
290
00:10:20,291 --> 00:10:21,424
Did I get it?
291
00:10:21,426 --> 00:10:23,633
- Nope, still there. I'll get it.
- All right.
292
00:10:26,597 --> 00:10:28,130
Jesus. How much stuff is in there?
293
00:10:28,132 --> 00:10:29,357
Mm!
294
00:10:29,363 --> 00:10:31,133
Ah! Got it.
295
00:10:31,135 --> 00:10:32,168
♪
296
00:10:33,408 --> 00:10:36,155
An interested itting
the chicken pot pie?
297
00:10:39,205 --> 00:10:41,873
[KNOCKS ON DOOR]
298
00:10:42,654 --> 00:10:43,729
Hey, you made it!
299
00:10:43,735 --> 00:10:45,501
- Hi!
- I'm thirsty.
300
00:10:46,277 --> 00:10:48,944
Wow! Nice place.
301
00:10:48,946 --> 00:10:50,312
Thanks, so let's kick off
302
00:10:50,314 --> 00:10:52,148
this fun-filled game night
with some Monopoly.
303
00:10:52,150 --> 00:10:54,550
I call the thimble. 48 dimples.
304
00:10:54,552 --> 00:10:56,652
Is that a karaoke machine?
305
00:10:56,654 --> 00:10:59,288
Yeah, I rented it for me and my family.
306
00:10:59,290 --> 00:11:01,056
My parents love karaoke.
307
00:11:01,058 --> 00:11:02,296
- Really?
- Oh.
308
00:11:02,302 --> 00:11:03,768
I took it up recently, but I, uh...
309
00:11:03,774 --> 00:11:05,161
I find it very rewarding.
310
00:11:05,163 --> 00:11:07,696
- Can we use it?
- Sure.
311
00:11:07,698 --> 00:11:10,566
Well, in... in fact, wo-wo-would
you mind if I went first?
312
00:11:10,568 --> 00:11:13,202
See, I-I was planning on
telling my family something,
313
00:11:13,204 --> 00:11:14,804
and karaoke is part of it.
314
00:11:14,806 --> 00:11:16,472
I've been rehearsing
alone in my apartment,
315
00:11:16,474 --> 00:11:18,374
but it would be great to
get some real practice
316
00:11:18,376 --> 00:11:19,742
in front of someone other than
317
00:11:19,744 --> 00:11:21,610
the random people I
have paused on my TV.
318
00:11:21,612 --> 00:11:23,512
- Oh.
- Sounds great.
319
00:11:23,514 --> 00:11:26,344
- Sure.
- Seriously?
320
00:11:26,350 --> 00:11:27,883
Oh, man.
321
00:11:28,152 --> 00:11:29,785
This is gonna be great.
322
00:11:29,787 --> 00:11:31,353
This is gonna be really good.
323
00:11:31,355 --> 00:11:32,855
I'll be right back, guys.
324
00:11:34,607 --> 00:11:36,466
♪
325
00:11:41,076 --> 00:11:43,555
♪
326
00:11:45,074 --> 00:11:47,837
ADAM: All right. Go ahead and hit play!
327
00:11:47,839 --> 00:11:51,874
[KIM CARNES' "BETTE DAVIS EYES" PLAYS]
328
00:12:04,114 --> 00:12:07,496
♪ Her hair is Harlow gold ♪
329
00:12:08,321 --> 00:12:11,681
♪ Her lips sweet surprise ♪
330
00:12:12,763 --> 00:12:16,020
♪ Her hands are never cold ♪
331
00:12:16,734 --> 00:12:19,201
♪ She's got Bette Davis eyes ♪
332
00:12:19,203 --> 00:12:22,655
♪ She'll turn the music on you ♪
333
00:12:23,441 --> 00:12:27,140
♪ You won't have to think twice ♪
334
00:12:27,456 --> 00:12:31,358
♪ She's pure as New York snow ♪
335
00:12:31,407 --> 00:12:34,842
♪ She's got Bette Davis eyes ♪
336
00:12:34,848 --> 00:12:37,215
Whoo!
337
00:12:37,221 --> 00:12:39,288
♪ And she'll tease you ♪
338
00:12:39,294 --> 00:12:41,461
♪ She'll unease you ♪
339
00:12:41,626 --> 00:12:45,641
♪ All the better just to please you ♪
340
00:12:45,682 --> 00:12:49,961
♪ She's precocious and she knows just ♪
341
00:12:49,967 --> 00:12:54,503
♪ What it takes to make a pro blush ♪
342
00:12:54,505 --> 00:12:58,807
♪ She's got Greta Garbo
stand-off sighs ♪
343
00:12:58,809 --> 00:13:02,850
♪ She's got Bette Davis eyes ♪
344
00:13:05,349 --> 00:13:07,249
What do you think?
345
00:13:07,251 --> 00:13:08,884
I-It's good.
346
00:13:08,886 --> 00:13:10,619
It's... good.
347
00:13:10,621 --> 00:13:12,788
Your singing is a little out of tune.
348
00:13:12,790 --> 00:13:15,624
I-I-I know I'm not the
best singer, but...
349
00:13:15,626 --> 00:13:17,526
You're not a very beautiful lady.
350
00:13:17,528 --> 00:13:19,382
Oh, well, maybe I'm not
your type. Not that I'm gay,
351
00:13:19,388 --> 00:13:21,488
because that's not what
this is about. Listen...
352
00:13:21,494 --> 00:13:23,933
My brother is a ladyboy.
He's much prettier.
353
00:13:23,935 --> 00:13:26,035
Okay, you made it clear how
you feel about my looks.
354
00:13:26,037 --> 00:13:27,491
Okay, that's fine.
355
00:13:27,497 --> 00:13:30,039
I will say, I do usually
have a little bit more time
356
00:13:30,041 --> 00:13:31,707
to put on the makeup, but that's...
357
00:13:31,709 --> 00:13:35,477
Look, I used to compulsively
count things, okay?
358
00:13:35,479 --> 00:13:37,680
And I tried everything to stop,
359
00:13:37,682 --> 00:13:40,716
a-and it wasn't until I
did some soul-searching
360
00:13:40,718 --> 00:13:43,385
that I realized, ever since
I was eight years old,
361
00:13:43,387 --> 00:13:45,487
I had the desire to dress like a woman.
362
00:13:45,489 --> 00:13:47,156
And it was something
I had no control over,
363
00:13:47,158 --> 00:13:50,159
and subconsciously, that
lack of control scared me.
364
00:13:50,161 --> 00:13:51,493
But then I found something
365
00:13:51,495 --> 00:13:53,095
I did have control over... Counting.
366
00:13:53,097 --> 00:13:56,198
One, you know, it made me
feel like I was in charge.
367
00:13:56,200 --> 00:13:58,601
A-And two, when it was the only
thing I was thinking about,
368
00:13:58,603 --> 00:14:00,269
I didn't have to wrestle
with other thoughts,
369
00:14:00,271 --> 00:14:01,837
like, you know...
370
00:14:01,839 --> 00:14:03,939
who would love me for who I really am?
371
00:14:05,509 --> 00:14:07,376
So, once you dressed up like a woman,
372
00:14:07,378 --> 00:14:09,712
- you stopped counting?
- It didn't completely stop
373
00:14:09,714 --> 00:14:11,247
until I decided to tell my family.
374
00:14:11,253 --> 00:14:13,916
But then, once they
canceled, it started again.
375
00:14:13,918 --> 00:14:15,618
But then, when I decided
to tell you guys,
376
00:14:15,620 --> 00:14:17,453
I-I was cured again.
377
00:14:17,455 --> 00:14:19,722
Although I... I have to admit,
378
00:14:19,724 --> 00:14:21,824
I-I'm not quite sure how
you feel about this yet,
379
00:14:21,826 --> 00:14:23,359
and I am fighting the urge
380
00:14:23,361 --> 00:14:26,272
to get a tally of the moles
on the back of William's neck.
381
00:14:26,645 --> 00:14:29,198
So I-I-I'm gonna need
some feedback here.
382
00:14:29,481 --> 00:14:31,567
Are you freaked out?
383
00:14:38,790 --> 00:14:41,143
♪ She'll expose you ♪
384
00:14:41,145 --> 00:14:43,245
♪ When you snows you ♪
385
00:14:43,247 --> 00:14:47,549
♪ Off your feet with the
crumbs she throws you ♪
386
00:14:47,551 --> 00:14:51,520
♪ She's ferocious and she knows just ♪
387
00:14:51,522 --> 00:14:55,903
♪ What it takes to make a pro blush ♪
388
00:14:56,961 --> 00:15:00,429
♪ All the boys think she's a spy ♪
389
00:15:00,431 --> 00:15:05,731
♪ She's got Bette Davis eyes ♪
390
00:15:06,303 --> 00:15:09,638
♪
391
00:15:09,640 --> 00:15:12,641
[MUFFLED MUSIC PLAYING]
392
00:15:17,748 --> 00:15:20,438
♪ She'll expose you ♪
393
00:15:22,253 --> 00:15:25,642
♪ When she snows you ♪
394
00:15:26,457 --> 00:15:29,324
♪ And she knows you ♪
395
00:15:29,330 --> 00:15:34,709
♪ She's got Bette Davis eyes ♪
396
00:15:36,400 --> 00:15:38,901
♪
397
00:15:38,903 --> 00:15:40,536
Oh, shit.
398
00:15:47,645 --> 00:15:48,811
[FEEDBACK]
399
00:15:48,813 --> 00:15:50,346
What...
400
00:15:50,992 --> 00:15:52,425
What are you guys doing here?
401
00:15:52,427 --> 00:15:55,377
The guy who took the Mazda Miata
to the forehead pulled through.
402
00:15:55,983 --> 00:15:57,486
What the hell's going on?
403
00:15:57,492 --> 00:15:59,612
Look, uh, this isn't the
way I wanted you guys...
404
00:15:59,618 --> 00:16:01,518
Why are you dressed like Aunt Peg?
405
00:16:01,524 --> 00:16:03,202
This is instead of counting.
406
00:16:03,204 --> 00:16:05,077
See, my psychiatrist said that...
407
00:16:05,093 --> 00:16:06,793
God damn it. This is all out of order.
408
00:16:06,795 --> 00:16:08,027
See, I-I-I wanted you guys
409
00:16:08,029 --> 00:16:09,662
to see that I wasn't counting anymore.
410
00:16:09,664 --> 00:16:12,198
Then we would play board
games like a normal family,
411
00:16:12,200 --> 00:16:14,634
a-a-and then I would show you all this.
412
00:16:14,636 --> 00:16:16,669
This... This is just practice.
413
00:16:16,671 --> 00:16:18,070
Who are the Japanese people?
414
00:16:18,072 --> 00:16:19,806
- They're you guys.
- We're Chinese.
415
00:16:19,808 --> 00:16:21,307
Okay, not now, Beth. Thank you.
416
00:16:21,309 --> 00:16:23,840
- I think I'm gonna throw up.
- No, no, no, no, Mom.
417
00:16:23,846 --> 00:16:26,312
See, you're freaking out
thinking I have two weird things.
418
00:16:26,314 --> 00:16:27,346
I don't.
419
00:16:27,348 --> 00:16:29,015
No more counting, just cross-dressing,
420
00:16:29,017 --> 00:16:31,184
and it's not even weird.
Plenty of people do it.
421
00:16:31,186 --> 00:16:32,785
William's brother is a ladyboy.
422
00:16:32,787 --> 00:16:34,020
He's a lot prettier.
423
00:16:34,022 --> 00:16:36,255
Okay, you made that
clear, William. Thank you.
424
00:16:36,261 --> 00:16:38,094
We should go.
425
00:16:38,326 --> 00:16:39,492
Okay.
426
00:16:39,494 --> 00:16:41,561
Well, thanks for hanging out, you guys.
427
00:16:41,563 --> 00:16:43,262
You crushed it at karaoke.
428
00:16:43,264 --> 00:16:45,164
Seriously, you crushed it!
429
00:16:45,166 --> 00:16:46,799
All right, let me explain again.
430
00:16:46,801 --> 00:16:49,268
You don't have to explain. We get it.
431
00:16:49,270 --> 00:16:52,004
You either have to count
like a mental patient
432
00:16:52,006 --> 00:16:54,674
or dress up like a woman...
One or the other, right?
433
00:16:54,676 --> 00:16:56,063
Basically, but...
434
00:16:56,069 --> 00:16:57,143
I vote for counting.
435
00:16:57,145 --> 00:16:59,412
- Counting.
- Counting.
436
00:17:04,277 --> 00:17:08,056
♪
437
00:17:08,891 --> 00:17:10,590
Okay.
438
00:17:10,925 --> 00:17:13,757
Well, give me a sec to
take this stuff off.
439
00:17:14,596 --> 00:17:18,527
♪
440
00:17:19,200 --> 00:17:22,268
Mom, would you please
help me with my girdle?
441
00:17:22,270 --> 00:17:25,289
It has six snaps and three ribbons.
442
00:17:26,167 --> 00:17:28,701
That's my boy.
443
00:17:32,780 --> 00:17:34,313
... 805, 806, 807...
444
00:17:34,315 --> 00:17:36,015
- Adam, it's your turn.
- Just a second.
445
00:17:36,017 --> 00:17:37,840
Somebody spilled some
sugar on the counter.
446
00:17:37,846 --> 00:17:40,152
... 807, 808, 809...
447
00:17:40,154 --> 00:17:43,085
Just take his piece off
the board. [SIGHS]
448
00:17:43,091 --> 00:17:45,992
- [PIECE CLATTERS]
- [DOORBELL RINGS]
449
00:17:48,903 --> 00:17:50,443
- Hey.
- Hey.
450
00:17:50,449 --> 00:17:51,998
We're getting ready to head home,
451
00:17:52,000 --> 00:17:54,267
but I wanted to say goodbye.
452
00:17:54,269 --> 00:17:56,135
Oh, well, we don't leave till tomorrow.
453
00:17:56,137 --> 00:18:00,940
23 hours, 17 minutes, 43 seconds
until we need to check out.
454
00:18:00,942 --> 00:18:02,308
Nice shirt, by the way.
455
00:18:02,310 --> 00:18:05,854
24 palm trees, 7 buttons,
16 bunches of bananas.
456
00:18:06,714 --> 00:18:07,947
17.
457
00:18:07,949 --> 00:18:10,233
Yeah. O-Okay, uh, thanks.
458
00:18:10,239 --> 00:18:11,772
18.
459
00:18:11,953 --> 00:18:16,055
Adam, my parents and
I really like you...
460
00:18:16,057 --> 00:18:18,101
Everything about you.
461
00:18:18,107 --> 00:18:20,107
We were talking, and...
462
00:18:20,113 --> 00:18:22,080
Look, we're going skiing
in a couple months,
463
00:18:22,086 --> 00:18:25,454
and if you want to come with
us, we'd love to have you.
464
00:18:25,533 --> 00:18:27,800
Maybe it's time you
hung out with a family
465
00:18:27,802 --> 00:18:30,202
who accepts you for who you are.
466
00:18:32,006 --> 00:18:35,354
Huh. I have a family who
accepts me for who I am.
467
00:18:35,360 --> 00:18:36,993
I'm a counter.
468
00:18:38,846 --> 00:18:40,479
[CHUCKLES] That weirdo just asked me
469
00:18:40,481 --> 00:18:42,048
to be a part of his family.
470
00:18:42,050 --> 00:18:43,883
I'm not even Chinese.
471
00:18:43,885 --> 00:18:45,351
Ooh.
472
00:18:50,841 --> 00:18:53,492
♪ Every once in a while ♪
473
00:18:53,494 --> 00:18:56,162
♪ You won't have to think twice ♪
474
00:18:56,164 --> 00:18:58,998
♪ Won't need no third opinion ♪
475
00:18:59,000 --> 00:19:01,400
♪ Or forthcoming advice ♪
476
00:19:01,402 --> 00:19:03,135
♪ No, you'll plead the fifth ♪
477
00:19:03,137 --> 00:19:04,804
♪ And won't get tricked ♪
478
00:19:04,806 --> 00:19:08,888
♪ Get kicked out, or 86'd ♪
479
00:19:10,078 --> 00:19:12,445
♪ When the shoe just don't fit ♪
480
00:19:12,447 --> 00:19:15,183
♪ You gotta make a little change ♪
481
00:19:16,985 --> 00:19:21,829
♪ Quit feeling that same old shame ♪
482
00:19:22,290 --> 00:19:25,702
♪ Stop playing that waiting game ♪
483
00:19:27,261 --> 00:19:31,783
♪ Oh, welcome, honey,
to the golden age ♪
484
00:19:33,167 --> 00:19:37,449
♪ Of lettin' tiger out the cage ♪
485
00:19:38,439 --> 00:19:41,273
♪ They call you a four,
but you're so much more ♪
486
00:19:41,275 --> 00:19:43,776
♪ 10 out of 10, if I'm keeping score ♪
487
00:19:43,778 --> 00:19:46,512
♪ So, if you're sore down in your core ♪
488
00:19:46,514 --> 00:19:49,900
♪ You gotta show 'em
what you're all about ♪
489
00:19:51,052 --> 00:19:56,422
♪ Quit feeling that same old shame ♪
490
00:19:56,424 --> 00:20:00,085
♪ Stop playing that waiting game ♪
491
00:20:01,411 --> 00:20:06,850
♪ Oh, welcome, honey,
to the golden age ♪
492
00:20:07,268 --> 00:20:11,303
♪ Of lettin' the tiger out the cage ♪
493
00:20:11,305 --> 00:20:12,671
♪ Whoo, ooh, ooh ♪
494
00:20:12,673 --> 00:20:15,441
♪ You keep trying to
show these bitches ♪
495
00:20:15,443 --> 00:20:18,177
♪ Third time's the charm
if you're superstitious ♪
496
00:20:18,179 --> 00:20:20,613
♪ So blow that cash and
blow them kisses ♪
497
00:20:20,615 --> 00:20:24,617
♪ While you're rolling
dice and hitting sixes ♪
498
00:20:24,619 --> 00:20:26,385
[GUITAR SOLO]
499
00:20:26,387 --> 00:20:29,588
Hi. I'm here to pick up the
key of Bare Feet Retreat.
500
00:20:29,590 --> 00:20:31,578
I don't know if you remember me.
501
00:20:31,584 --> 00:20:33,165
Oh, I remember you.
502
00:20:33,171 --> 00:20:34,897
- Do I remember you.
- Shit!
503
00:20:34,903 --> 00:20:36,562
Yeah, last time you rented the house,
504
00:20:36,564 --> 00:20:38,564
I had to re-hang all the pictures.
505
00:20:38,566 --> 00:20:40,499
I'm still getting sand
out of the knickknacks,
506
00:20:40,501 --> 00:20:42,501
and half the spoons were gone.
507
00:20:42,503 --> 00:20:44,603
It's not easy finding
matching spoons, okay?
508
00:20:44,605 --> 00:20:47,206
And in fact, they won't truly
match until the new ones
509
00:20:47,208 --> 00:20:49,745
lose their shine and muster up a patina.
510
00:20:49,842 --> 00:20:52,443
No parties this time, I hope.
511
00:20:52,449 --> 00:20:57,252
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]
512
00:20:57,258 --> 00:20:58,757
[LAUGHS]
513
00:20:58,763 --> 00:21:01,283
No parties. I promise.
514
00:21:02,799 --> 00:21:07,069
- Synced and corrected by medvidecek007 -
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