All language subtitles for The Big Bang Theory - 12x07 - The Grant Allocation Derivation.SVA.English.C.orig.Addic7ed.com

Oh, this is amazing.

I wish I had a playhouse
like this when I was a kid.

Really? You never had
a playhouse?

No. I mean, my dad did buy
the house next door

for us to play in.

I'm gonna hook up the garden
hose, so it has running water.

Why does it need
running water?

Same reason
it's got electricity:

Bernadette and I both work,
and we're overcompensating.

This reminds me of a traditional
Amish barn raising.

With everyone pitching in.

How exactly are you pitching in?

I don't hear anyone else
giving facts

about traditional
Amish barn raising.

The rest of us are pitching in
with hammers and nails.

Well, facts are my nails,
and my voice is the hammer

which pounds them
through the wood of your skull.

Well, that is how it feels.

Hey, uh, can you
pass me that drill?

Yeah, fun fact
about Amish barn raising--

they don't use any power tools.

- Amy, make him stop.
- No.

If he tires himself out now,
he'll sleep better tonight.

Hey, Howie,
can you give me a hand?

I need to get some work done,

and the kids are climbing
all over me.

You know what?
I'll watch them.

- You sure?
- But I was just about to tell everyone

why they're called
Pennsylvania Dutch

when they really hail
from Germany.

Yep.

Thanks.

So, what do you think?
Pretty cool, huh?

And when our kids outgrow it,

we can Airbnb it
to other people's babies.

Funny.

You all right?

Sorry, I haven't had
a second to myself.

So let me just go back
inside, finish my report,

brush my teeth, change
out of my pajamas, make a sandwich,

and then I'll come out here
and laugh at your joke.

Ooh. As long as you're
making sandwiches...

You can laugh
at that one later, too.

All right, I've kept you
in suspense long enough.

"Dutch" is a bastardization
of the word "Deutsch,"

meaning German.

What's German for "annoying"?

Nervig. Why do you ask?

♪ The Big Bang Theory 12x07 ♪
The Grant Allocation Derivation
Original

♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool ♪

♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man

President Siebert,
you wanted to see me?

Hey. There's my guy!

You sound like my wife

just before she asked me
to go to Coachella.

No, this is gonna be
way more fun than Coachella.

More fun than heatstroke?
Good luck.

So, there are some funds left

in the general
administrative grant,

and I need somebody to decide
how we should disburse them.

Really?

W-Wow, what an honor.
Thank you.

So how do I decide
who gets the money?

How do you decide anything?

Think about it with your brain,
and then say it with your mouth.

Yeah, right, sure.

Uh, so, after I decide,

do I then submit it to you
for approval, or...?

No. You decide,
you approve,

and then you pride yourself
on a job well done.

That's a lot of responsibility.

Well, if I didn't think
you were up to the task,

you wouldn't have been fifth
on my list.

Thank you.
I-I'll get started right away.

And I look forward
to hearing nothing about it.

I will keep you posted.

Hey, thank you guys again

for helping out yesterday.
- No problem.

- That was really fun.
- It was fun.

But I am sore.

You didn't lift a finger.

No, but I narrated
the entire event,

and I am paying for it today.

- Gentlemen.
- Hey. - Hi.

Leonard, do I detect

a little swagger in your step?

Mm, possibly.

Well, stop.
It doesn't suit you.

- What's going on?
- Well,

Siebert put me in charge
of handing out the last bit

of the administrative funds,
and I have sole discretion.

Ooh! Looks like
Christmas came early.

First thing on my list
is a golden umbrella,

'cause Leonard's
gonna make it rain!

Uh, hold on, I'm not
just gonna hand out money.

There's a procedure
you need to follow.

I believe he's referring

to the traditional
"kissing of the buttocks."

Should we form a line,

or just do it like
we're bobbing for apples?

Cute,

but President Siebert
trusted me with this,

and I'm taking it seriously.

If you have a
legitimate request,

you can submit it
to me in writing,

and I'll evaluate it
based on its merits.

Sure, sure. Is "Jet Ski"
one word or two?

Hofstadter!

Heard Siebert put you in charge
of the administrative fund.

Can't think
of a better guy for the job.

I think he's done this before.

Leonard,
I know you and I have a...

oh, troubled history, but I hope
that when I make my request

you'll give me a fair shot.

Of course.

See? That's why I like
about this guy: integrity.

Bring it in!

I just put something
in your pocket.

It's good at all
El Pollo Locos.

Halley, leave your
brother's dirty diaper alone.

Put that down.
That is not a hat.

That is not
a hat! Oh!

- Okay. Everybody in the sink.
- Oh.

Bad news, Howie.

I'm gonna be stuck at work
for a while.

Oh, that's terrible.
Hang in there.

I'll be home as soon as I can.

Ah...

He deserves better.

No, I'm not going
to reconsider.

Your request was denied.

I don't care
if it helps you think;

you don't need a koi pond
in your office.

Well, you should
have thought about that

before you bought the koi!

Wow. That was
a little rough.

Well, I have to be.

Everyone assumes I'm just gonna
give them whatever they want.

Hmm. But you're not, are you?

No, I'm not.

I mean, look at this.

An espresso machine?
I don't think so. Denied!

Wow, I really like
this side of you.

Really?

Yeah, just so decisive.

Well, check this out.

A standing desk. Denied!

Oh!

If you want to stand, do it on
your own time, 'cause I'm the boss.

Yeah, you are.

- Hello.
- Hey. - Hey.

Leonard, I just wanted
to congratulate you on how well

you are managing this grant money.
- What do you want?

Nothing. I just came by
to pay you a compliment.

Nice try.
The answer's no.

To what? I'm not
asking you for anything.

All I need for my job
is right here. Hmm?

This is my office.
Which makes for a great commute.

Home, work, home.

I'm still working--
I'm just working from home.

You know, if it's that easy,
then why does Leonard

have to drive you
to work every day?

Because I like the frozen yogurt
machine in the cafeteria.

Ooh, I suppose I could use
a frozen yogurt machine...

Denied!

Oh, you should have seen him--
denying things left and right.

It was so sexy.

'Course, I made a request
he did not deny.

Uh-huh.

Are you listening to me?

Yeah, sure.
You slept with your husband.

What is going
on with you?

It's not a big thing.

Have you ever told Leonard
a little white lie?

Mm. Well, he
thinks I've seen

every one of the
Star Wars movies,

but I've really only seen
the one with the gold robot.

- That could be any of them.
- Exactly.

I've been telling Howie
that I've had to work late

the past couple nights,
but really,

I've just been hiding out
in Howie's playhouse.

Does that make me awful?

Awful? No.

Uh, strange? Yes.

Sad? A little, yes.

It's just that work's been crazy, and the
minute I get home, I have two kids

hanging on me,
and sometimes I don't want

babies pulling my hair
and pinching my belly fat.

That'd be a good slogan
for a condom company.

I love my kids,
but that hour to myself

just makes me feel human again.

So, you go home
and sit alone in a toy house

in the backyard?

Yeah!

Oh, Dr. Hofstadter,
did you have a chance

to look over my proposal?
- I did,

and your research
is fascinating.

I had no idea that crows
were that smart.

Do they really hold grudges?

They do. One
of them escaped

from my behavioral
study a year ago.

I can't prove it's him,
but something craps on my car every day.

Well, l-look,
I only have enough money

to fund one request,
but your project

is definitely
in the running.

Okay, but, uh, when do you think
you might make a decision?

Because I have
to upgrade their cages

before they learn
how to open the locks.

When I came in to my lab
this morning,

they suddenly got silent.

I think they're
planning something.

Um, soon. I've narrowed it
down to three projects.

Ooh, is mine one
of them?

Actually, yeah.

The software in
the telescope room

hasn't been
upgraded in years,

and it seems like
it might be time.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

So you're just gonna give
the money to your friend?

I smell a rat.

I work with rats, too.

That might be me.

I'm not just giving it
to my friend, Barry.

Your proposal is
also in the mix.

Wait, so those
are the three?

You're not
even considering mine?

Why, because they're PhDs
and I'm just an engineer?

No, because they wrote
detailed proposals,

and you sent a YouTube clip
of the guy from Jerry Maguire

saying, "Show me
the money!"

All right, Hofstadter,

what's it gonna be?

Which project
are you gonna pick?

Yeah, come on, Leonard.

- Tell us now.
- But, remember,

crows aren't the only ones
who can hold a grudge.

Look, all three of your
proposals have a lot of merit.

I just want to make sure
I'm making the right decision.

I can tell you're stressed.

If it helps,
I withdraw my proposal.

It doesn't help.

Fine. Then I'm back in the mix.

Show me the money!

Okay, I-I just--

I need everyone
to back off.

I'm in charge here, and I'll
decide when I'm ready to decide.

When will that be?

A day, a week.
I don't know!

- Where are you going?
- I don't know that either!

Ooh.

Someone's
making decisions.

I'm reviewing these proposals.

Yeah. 'Cause you're
the boss man,

telling people what's what.

I like it.

It's just so hard!

All-all three of these
proposals have merit.

How do I choose?

Well, not with that voice.

There has got to be
a right decision

based on empirical evidence.

Look, I made pros
and cons lists,

and then I came up with
three different scoring systems

to determine
the best project.

I just don't know
what scoring system to use.

So I'm working on
a meta-scoring system

to score the scoring systems,

but the math is
really complicated.

You want me
to walk you through it?

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

Turn that off.
Are you trying to get us caught?

Oh.

So, I've narrowed it down
to three worthwhile projects,

but I only have the money
to fund one of them.

Lucky for you,
I have a solution.

I can't wait.

You free up more money
and I fund all of them.

Mm, no.

Or-- hear me out--

yes.

That way, e-everybody's happy.

You can't make everybody happy.

- I think I can.
- You can't.

- Well, actually...
- You're making me unhappy.

Okay, what would you do?

I'd find some sap
and put him in charge

so I wouldn't have
to be the bad guy.

That's a really good id-- Oh.

Whatcha doin'?

You scared me.

I'll ask again.

What-cha doin'?

Nothing.

Really?

You and Bernadette
aren't doing stuff without me?

What? No!
Why would you even say that?

You know how your talent

is getting just drunk enough
to have a good time

without being hungover
the next day?

Thank you.

Well, mine is knowing
when I'm being excluded.

So spill.

I'm-I'm just running
some errands.

Yeah?

With a bag full of wine?
I...

Got to stay hydrated.

Try again.

Okay, look, I'm sorry.

We did not mean
to leave you out.

All right? Bernadette has
been feeling fried at home,

so we ended up hanging out
in Halley's playhouse.

Like a secret club?

No! Just, like, a
place to spend time

that we don't tell
anyone else about.

And what would be
a shorter way of saying that?

Secret club.

Well, you really hurt my feelings.

What can I do to
make it up to you?

I'm in a secret club!

Shh!

Is there some sort
of humiliating initiation?

'Cause I would literally do
anything.

Leonard, you've
been losing to me

in three-dimensional chess
for many years.

You know
what would be neat?

If this was some sort
of long con

and one day you say,
"Let's make this interesting,"

put money on it, and reveal

that you actually know
what you're doing.

A very long con indeed.

Checkmate.

Sorry. I'm distracted.

Ooh, aren't you the hustler.

No matter
who I give the funds to,

someone is gonna be upset
with me.

Do you really care
if people are angry at you?

- Of course.
- Interesting.

Why don't you go to the store
and get me some tapioca pudding

or I'm gonna be angry at you.

No.

So it comes and goes?

How do you not care what
people think of you?

It's easy.

I mean, not "beating you
at chess" easy,

but what is?

Wait,

you can make this decision.

You don't care if
you upset people.

You can pick for me.

I certainly could.

- Oh, great.
- But I won't.

I think this is
a learning opportunity for you.

Sheldon, come on.

Oh, I'm sorry.
Did I upset you?

- Yes.
- Ask me how I feel about that.

So where does Leonard
think you are?

Oh, I told him
I was at yoga.

Well,
you are stretching the truth.

Yeah. Where does
Sheldon think you are?

Oh, Sheldon's
kind of like a dog--

he doesn't really think about me
when I'm gone,

but he's so happy
when I show up.

Ooh.

Who wants
an Easy-Bake quesadilla?

Me!

Ooh, hot.

Shh.

Thanks for
letting me come over and hang.

So Leonard still hasn't
made a decision yet?

No.

And I've really been
laying on the guilt.

Did you break out the sad eyes?

You mean these bad boys?

What do we do?

We're just gonna have to wait
till they go back inside.

Okay, okay. Can
we very quietly

open that second bottle of...

Hey,
don't freak out,

but I think there's
someone in your playhouse.

Oh. Yeah,
that's just Bernadette.

She's been hiding out
in there all week.

Really? Why?

I don't know.

She's been
a little overwhelmed at work.

And, frankly,
me and the kids are a lot.

She just...
needs some downtime.

And you just pretend
like you don't know?

Sure. That's
how marriage works.

Three years ago...

I told her I got life insurance,

and I totally didn't.

Someday, she's gonna find out.
I'm gonna say,

"Ha-ha! I know you've been
hiding in the playhouse."

Why don't you just get
the life insurance?

Whose side are you on?

Can you hear
what they're saying?

Shh, I'm trying.

Huh.

Sounds like Penny's
in there, too.

Seriously, Leonard,
you didn't pick my project?

I'm sorry, Raj.

- Did you go with Crow Lady?
- No.

You gave the money to Kripke?

I did not.

Wait, I'm confused.

I thought there were only
three projects in contention.

There were.
But, at the last minute,

someone submitted an application

for a pretty cool
europium-doped laser,

and they made
a very compelling case.

What was the case?

Oh, that it was me
and I wanted it.

You-you can't do that.

You can't just fund
your own project.

Uh, it turns out I can,
and I did.

Interesting.

What about not wanting
everybody to be mad at you?

Well, I realized that,
no matter what decision I made,

people were gonna be mad at me.

And this way, I get a laser.

That is the most selfish thing
you've ever done.

I'm proud of you.

- And I don't care.
- Yes, you do.

Yeah, I do.

The europium laser
is so cool.

It has a four-level
f-f transition

which provides for
high power output,

and its quantum efficiency
is off the charts.

What are you going
to use it for?

I have no idea.

Leonard,

there's a crow
on your roof.

I see it.

Is that one
of Dr. Lee's crows?

It has a tag on its leg.

Don't make
any sudden moves.

Smart. Let's stand
perfectly still and...

He's the one
you want!

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man