Original subtitles

Hey guys, we're heading to the hospital to have the baby.

Oh, my God. Are you in labor?

No, but the baby's a week late so we are inducing

and it's no fault of Dina's

that she did not deliver on schedule.

Yeah, well, by the way you only paid me for 40 weeks

so I will be charging you overtime.

Well, when I don't get a package on time

the shipping company gives me a refund and an apology.

Anyway, you all have my cell phone number

but only call if it is a true emergency

like a fire, or a big storm, or a robbery, okay?

What if a celebrity comes in the store like Alec Baldwin,

or Billy Baldwin, or Stephen Baldwin?

It doesn't matter which Baldwin...

you don't need to call. Just enjoy.

Uh, Glenn, can I give you a call

if I really, really, miss you?

Aww, of course you can.

Any other questions? Yes?

Do you have any room in your car?

I think maybe my water just broke.

- Oh! - Oh, my God.

No, no. You're not due for another three weeks.

Oh yeah, that's right. Never mind.

Thanks a lot, Amy. You got it on my shoes.

Oh, no, those shoes were so cool.

'Kay, come on. Let's get to the hospital.

- I'm gonna get your stuff. - Thank you.

Oh, what?

See Dina? Amy had her baby early.

Was that so hard?

- You're such a kiss-ass. - I didn't choose today.

Okay, I got your fluffy socks, your cellphone charger,

also got a copy of "Us Weekly" in case you wanted to see

a four-page spread of Gwen Stefani pumping gas.

Ah, I love it when they pump their own gas.

Hey, Amy!

Look quick... I see a hummingbird out my window.

- Do you see it? - Uh-huh.

I don't think you're really looking.

- I am. - What color is it?

Green?

Yeah, okay. It's nice, right?

So nice.

Okay, uh, you seem to be all set, so I guess I'm gonna go?

- Oh. - I mean, I don't have to.

- I'm fine staying here... - No, no, no, no.

Or if you want me to stay I can...

- You can go if... - You tell me

what you want me to do.

Um, well, I mean,

I don't want you to feel like you have to stay,

but I don't want you to feel like you can't stay.

Okay, cool, so then I'll just...

Sorry, still no idea.

I think I want you here, but, like, not here-here.

Just like, around.

You know how like at The Cheesecake Factory

they give you a buzzer and you just have to stay

within a certain radius?

Buzzer radius, got it. Okay. So, yeah, I'll just stay

in the general vicinity at an appropriate distance

for a guy you're dating who is not the father.

Oh! The father. I should tell Adam.

Yeah.

That makes no sense. You would get sick.

I'm not saying you wouldn't get sick.

I'm just saying that every arrangement

is technically an edible arrangement.

Glenn, today is all about Dina.

If she wants to eat the flowers,

let her eat the flowers.

Knock-knock. Hi.

I'm Dr. Sidian, I'm the attending on the floor.

Holy crap.

I know Dr. Meyer is on her way, but in case you guys

need anything before she gets here,

- I'm around. - Yeah.

Any questions, pain meds, perfect martini.

Martini.

Shaken, not stirred, Mr. Bond.

That's Dr. Bond.

- Oh, wow, yes! - I'm around. Give me a call.

Yeah, he's an attractive man.

I think we should switch to Dr. Sidian.

No, but we've been seeing Dr. Meyer for nine months.

Yeah, I just feel more comfortable with this guy.

Honestly, I was never a Dr. Meyer fan.

I didn't want to say anything but during one of our exams

she was accidentally looking into my butt the whole time.

I think she got confused,

and I felt bad correcting her.

Glenn, this is about Dina and her needs.

If she feels more comfortable with this doctor,

then that's all that matters.

Fine, we'll go with Doctor Stranger-we-just-met.

Thank you, Jerusha. Also, for my comfort,

would you be able to go to my apartment

and get this camisole?

It's silky, very sheer,

and also my make-up bag?

- Sure, whatever you need. - Thanks.

Oh, and honey, watch out for the bird.

She has a falcon now.

- Ah, will do. - Okay.

- And grab a push-up bra! - Okay!

We parked this way.

Oh, my God! All right, yeah, awesome, great.

I've just gotta drop off my friend Steve at karate

and I will be right there. Which hospital?

Uh, Mercy Vale Medical Center, room...

417.

417.

Was that Jonah?

Uh, um, yes?

That... that is Jonah. He's here...

and so is Glenn.

And Dina. The whole... the whole funky bunch is here.

I gotta go, I'll see you soon. Okay, bye.

So Adam doesn't know about us?

No, because I... I... I didn't want to tell him.

Oh. Okay.

I mean, not... not... not because we're doing something wrong.

It's just that, um...

Just didn't seem like that big of a deal.

Oh, okay, well that makes me feel better.

Okay, I'm having everybody sign two cards.

One for Amy and the whole Glenn, Dina, Jerusha mess.

I thought the butterflies was perfect for Amy because,

you know, she's entering a new phase in her life

and this one has balloons because, you know, Glenn.

Little more information than I need, but...

Thank you. "Happy 0th birthday."

Cute.

Wait, wait. Hold up. What's wrong with that?

Oh, nothing. This is fine. It's funny.

I mean, I wasn't, you know...

I was just going off the top of my head.

I wasn't trying to be, like, hilarious or anything.

Okay.

You know, I'm gonna take another look at it.

Up to you. Just pass it along when you're done.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Yes.

Nah.

Hi, can I get the dad's insurance card?

- Oh, no, he's not the dad. - Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, no, no, no, no. I don't mean, "He's not the dad,"

like I was having an affair

and got knocked up by some rando.

I just mean that the man I had sex with,

he is the father of this baby.

I understand.

I'm not a nurse but we take a class.

The reason I'm asking is we don't accept your insurance.

What?

Oh, but her coworker's having a baby in the next room

and you take their insurance.

Well, looks like they're on a different plan.

They have health shield bronze and what you have is different.

And by different you mean...?

Worse. It's worse.

Of course. Corporate takes care of the managers

and the rest of us get the scraps.

Can we please not do all of that right now?

So, you could pay out of pocket,

but the room is about two grand a night.

Whoa.

Or there's a clinic nearby that accepts your insurance.

Okay, and the clinic is good, right?

It's been there for years.

That didn't answer my question.

Oh, God.

Can I finish complaining about healthcare inequality now?

No.

Can't believe my baby's going to be born in a hospital

that looks like an escape room.

I... I like it here. That other hospital was snobby.

This is, um... you know, this is down to Earth.

It's connected to the community. It's diverse.

I don't want diverse right now.

I want to be in the hospital

where only rich white people go.

I want to feel deeply uncomfortable

that I'm the only brown person there.

We just have to make the best of it, okay?

Honestly, you look around, it's kinda roomy once you...

Oh, my God.

Uh, hi, sorry. I'm Jonah. This... this is...

Is she sleeping with her eyes open or...

Yes, let's go with that.

Ah.

Hey Garrett, do you have the baby cards?

I need to sign them.

Yeah, I'm just putting the finishing touches on it.

Oh, boy. Mr. Hilarious at work.

What are you writing?

Um, well, you are about to see.

Ah, I love the creative process.

I bet it's gonna be so funny. Here we go.

I can't even imagine all the ideas in your head right now.

I bet even the bad ones are genius.

Yup, uh-huh, but you know, I just need to concentrate.

Okay, oh, boy.

You are really cooking up something good.

I can smell the creative juices.

Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.

Your hours must be pretty crazy, huh?

All those late night pages

putting a real strain on the marriage.

I'm not married.

Oh, wow. Didn't realize we were getting so personal.

I'm not married either, so, something in common.

Well, I am married, but I wish I wasn't

'cause then I could hit on this bodacious babe.

Glenn, that hurts my feelings.

Oh, no, it's for Dina.

She really likes him.

Oh.

You know, I've never been with a woman before,

but I would switch over for Dina.

Well, not happening. I'm, uh... I'm very straight.

I'm gonna check your cervix now.

Oh, man am I jealous of you, buddy.

This is a funny card.

Huh?

"Congrats on your new bundle of joy.

If you'd like to name them after me, that's cool."

Pretty funny, right?

That card's blank.

Just, is it funny or not?

I guess it was cute.

Cute.

Are you still working on the cards?

Just write anything.

They're just going to throw it away anyway.

No, I'm gonna sign the damn cards.

Hey, do you guys sell

interfaith wedding cards for dogs?

That's a contraction, right?

- Yep. - Okay.

Just assume today that anytime I make this face

and these noises it's a contraction.

Yeah, got it. Got it.

Where is the doctor? This is crazy.

I'm gonna... I'm gonna page him.

Oh. It just kinda fell into darkness.

It's fine, it's fine, it's totally fine.

Women have been birthing for thousands of years

in all kinds of disgusting places.

In the woods, in caves, with wolves and coyotes

lurking to eat them and their young.

I'm in a hospital; I at least have a blanket.

And that is an old Band-Aid.

Okay, that's... that's it.

I'm gonna pay for the nice hospital.

What?

No, I can... I can afford it between what I have in my bank

and my credit cards.

No, I'm not gonna let you do that.

Why? Why not?

Because, that's just, like... We're not really at the...

no, that's... it's weird. But thank you.

Okay, all right, well that's one vote for no,

one vote for yes, uh,

why don't we have your roommate break the tie?

Okay, let's go, but I'm paying you back.

Oh, it's so clean and comfortable.

And the air smells so good, and these pillows.

This is an unbelievable pillow.

We should come back here.

I'm glad you're happy.

Hello, again.

Hey, girl. So glad to be back.

Okay, and as far as the payment goes?

Yes, um, Jonah? Pay the nice lady.

Right, okay, so if you could put $500 on each of these cards

and then I'll write you a check for the other $1,000.

Okay, and how would you like to pay for the rest?

The... you said it was $2,000?

Yes, for the room, but then you have delivery doctor,

lab fees, anesthesia.

Altogether you're looking at about $20,000.

For one baby?

- Mm-hmm. - Oh, God.

So, I'll let you two figure out

what you want to do, although, well you know.

Guess we're going back to the clinic.

You're taking the pillow?

You mean the pillow that I brought from home?

Yeah, why wouldn't I?

Okay, so we need to come up with one good message

that's from all of us.

What's wrong with the ones that we already wrote?

Uh, well, a lot of them were offensive.

And I'm not gonna name any names,

but it was Carol.

What?

I wrote, "Welcome to the world."

Mm-hmm, yeah, the world

that's full of violence and racism

so, welcome to violence and racism.

Nice, Carol.

Nice job, Carol.

You know I can fit 40 cherries in my mouth?

Any more than that and I throw up.

Okay, then don't do that.

So, baby's fine. It's in a transverse position, though.

It's sideways. I thought I could turn it

but we're gonna have to do a C-section.

- Oh, goodness. - Oh.

Surgery. Where you, uh, cut me open, huh?

Uh, nope. Actually, this way.

Oh. East/West situation.

- That's correct. - Okay.

I had an aunt who tore from her anus

all the way up to the front.

So...

Oh, God. I should have just done this at home.

My Aunt delivered her baby in her Jacuzzi

and he turned out fine.

No, actually he sucks. His parents are Jacuzzi people.

Okay, just... just breathe. You're doing great.

Ahhhhhh.

That's right, just pick a point in the room

and focus on it, okay?

- Okay. - No, no, no. Not the corpse.

Not the corpse.

It's too late, I'm locked in.

Hello, and how are we today?

Ohhh, um, old?

No, no, sorry. Uh, I'm fine. You're old.

Are you, uh, are you going to be

the main doctor delivering the baby?

Oh, no. That would be my father.

- Just kidding. - Ha ha. Funny.

Are you... are you, uh, looking for something?

I don't remember.

How about, "Best wishes from Cloud 9"?

- No offense, but I hate that. - Yeah.

What about, "Best wishes from your Cloud 9 family?"

Um, family feels a little weird since a lot of us

are banging each other. Guilty!

I think we should write something funny.

I mean, people like funny, right?

Yeah, okay Earl. That sounds easier than it is.

Uh, why don't we not embarrass ourselves by even trying.

Yeah, but...

I was thinking it could be funny, because,

it's like so twisted.

It makes you laugh, 'cause it's like, crazy.

Right?

Am I right or am I right? I'm right!

He's right, you should do that.

Do what? He didn't say anything.

All right, on the next contraction

you're gonna push for three ten-counts.

No, no, we can't start pushing.

The father's not here yet.

I thought it was this guy?

N-no.

Who are you? The gay best friend? I see a lot of that.

No, no, no, I'm just... I'm actually, um,

I actually, I don't know what I am.

We haven't really talked about it.

I don't know, we're dating, maybe?

Right, yeah. We'll see an occasional movie

and then sometimes I'm there when she gives birth to a baby.

Well, I don't know Jonah. What would you call it?

I don't know.

What would happen if we just didn't do the surgery?

And the baby will eventually work its way out like a splinter, right?

I mean, life always finds a way.

Dina, you're gonna be fine.

And we'll be right down the hall waiting for you when you're done.

You're not gonna be in there?

No, see, we're not doctors,

so we don't go into the operating room.

We go to the waiting room.

Actually, the parents are usually in there for it.

Okay, but, well, yeah,

we'll probably just get in the way, so.

Glenn, I think we should both be in there for Dina.

Okay, I get really squeamish around blood.

Maybe she doesn't have a lot of blood.

Don't go.

- O-okay. - Okay.

Right, you must be Dina Fox. Hello, I'm Dr. Gillespie.

I'll be administering the epidural.

Damn, what is with this place?

It's like "Grey's Anatomy" in here.

- You ready? - Yeah.

Let's go.

I'd like to get up there by Dina.

- Oh you're coming here? - Sir, I need to get in there.

Okay, I'll go this way. Oh, no. I'm trapped.

Dina, everything's going to be okay.

Uh-huh.

It's a real professional operation they've got going on here.

There's computers and wires... the whole nine yards.

Huh. Could you play my music?

No problem.

- Sorry, is this right? - Yeah, it's my favorite song.

Okay. I'm ready.

- Out. - Obviously it's not just about the sex.

- One, two... - There are feelings there.

- We can talk about this later. - Three!

Maybe focus on this.

I just think that there's a lot going on between him

and the baby and it just seems like a lot of pressure.

It's totally cool, and we can table this.

Ten, and stop.

- Stop talking or stop pushing? - Both. Jesus.

All right, here we go.

Oh, no. Uh, maybe we could turn her around.

Turn her around. Oh, there's the blood.

Okay, we are in it.

I see the head.

Oh, thank God. I have had the craziest day.

I've had a pretty nutty day too.

- Thanks for filling in. - Oh, yeah, sure.

Um, guess this is yours. This? I'll get that.

I'll just grab the other leg.

Okay, thanks.

Wow, there is so much blood.

Should someone do something about that?

Okay, I'm just gonna close my eyes.

Nope. Still kinda seeing it.

I'll pick them up. I'll pick them up.

- One last push. - Let's do this! C'mon!

- Mm. - Uh. Yeah.

Huh? Huh?

Team!

Jerusha. I can see its little arms.

It's so beautiful.

Nope, these are just the intestines.

- Oh. - Glenn, are you okay?

Uh-huh.

I... I didn't throw up.

Nine, ten.

It's a boy! Congratulations.

And look at that. A healthy baby girl.

- Congrats, everyone. - Thank God.

Who's gonna cut the umbilical cord?

You should probably do it.

Yeah, yeah. I was gonna.

Dina, you did it.

Jerusha, I'm so happy.

Hi.

Hi, little buddy.

- Hi. - Good heavens!

Did you know there's a dead body in here?

Margaret! We got another damn body!

I love you more than pot pies

and Christmas

and even little baby Jesus.

Don't tell anybody.

Dina, we can't thank you enough for giving us such

an amazing gift.

I didn't get you a gift.

Oh, you mean the baby.

Yeah, you paid me for that, so we're good.

Yeah. Um...

would it be okay if I had a moment alone with her?

Oh, yeah, of course.

Oh, no thank you. You can put it in its bin.

You take all the time you need.

She's not gonna kidnap her, right?

No, I locked all the windows.

Well, this is it for you and me, kid.

I hope I gave you a good start the past nine months.

Now, if you ever need anything,

you can always come to me.

But not on Wednesdays or Fridays,

because I have crew practice.

All right, what else can I tell you?

Never go camping on your period.

If you ever find a pair of shoes you like,

buy multiple pairs.

You meet a man with a houseboat,

walk the other way.

That's an important one.

Hey, little buddy.

He's not as squishy and purple as Emma was.

Mm-mm.

She was so squishy.

He's perfect.

You're perfect.

Oh, wow. Uh, look at the time.

I... I completely lost track.

I got a meeting... party.

I got a party meeting.

So, let you guys have some time.

- Thanks. - Sure.

Yeah. Thank you.

You're welcome.

Hi. Hi.

Here's your [bleep] card.

He's had a big day. But congratulations.

Let's go!

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