All language subtitles for Sleuth.2007.BluRay.720p.x264.DTS.DualAudio-MySilu

Yes?

Andrew Wyke?

That's right.

I'm Milo Tindle.

Oh, yes. Good.

Glad to meet you.

You got the train to
Charlbury, did you?

I drove.

Oh, you drove?

That's my car.

Oh, the little
one?

Not the big one.

No. The big one's mine.

What do you
think of it?

Very handsome.

Yeah.
It is, isn't it?

Come in.

I was watching a video

of one of my books
on television.

Like the house?

Extraordinary.

You know who
designed it?

Who the interior
decorator was?

Yes.

Your wife.

You knew?

Yes, I knew.

I'll show you
around later.

Have a drink.
I'm drinking vodka.

Scotch, please.

Scotch.

Milo. What
an interesting name.

You're a foreigner,
I take it?

My father's
Italian.

Milo sounds
Hungarian.

Does it?

Here's your Scotch.

Cheers.

Cheers.

You sure your father
isn't Hungarian?

Well, if he is,

he's kept it a dead secret
for years.

And your mother?

English.

So you're a kind
of half-breed.

Huh.

Sit down.

Thanks for agreeing
to see me.

Not at all.

I didn't know you wrote plays
for television.

I don't. I write crime novels.
You must know that.

I had heard.

But sometimes they're
adapted for television

by other people.

You know what the word
adapted means, I take it?

Adapted?
Mm.

They may not have
such a word in Italian.

I speak English.

Heh. Good.

Come and have a look
at my, uh, special book room.

These are
all my novels.

You've read them,
I suppose?

Afraid not.

Good God. No?

What about--
What about this one?

Rat in a Trap?
No.

The Obelisk?

No.

Blackout?
No.

Dead Fish?
Afraid not.

God, you're
one in a million.

Am I?

Oh, absolu--
I'm very popular.

You see
this shelf?

Translations.

French, Dutch, German.

You speak Dutch
yourself, do you?

Yes, how did you know?

I have a Dutch uncle.

Can't see any Italian
translations.

No, they're a funny lot,
the Italians.

Culture isn't really
their thing.

Their salami's
good, though.

Oh, is it?

Italian salami?
Best in the world.

Did you bring
any with you?

No. I left it
at home.

Oh, shame.

We're gonna have it
for supper tonight.

With a couple of bottles
of Valpolicella.

We?

Maggie and me.

Ah.

Your-- Your glass
is empty.

What were you
drinking, vodka?

Scotch.
Scotch.

I want to come
to the point.

Point?
What point?

Are you going to give
Maggie a divorce?

And if not,
why not?

Uh, yeah,
yes, yes,

we'll come
to that.

She thinks you're
being unreasonable.

So do I.

She's never coming
back to you,

so why not just give her
the divorce?

It'll do her good
to wait for five years.

Good for
her character.

You're going to make
her wait five years?

Well, that's
the law.

The law of
the land.

But that's
pure spite.

Anyway, we-- we'll
get back to that, perhaps.

Have your
drink first.

What do you do,
by the way?

I'm
an actor.

Good God.
Are you really?

I thought Maggie said
you were a hairdresser.

She must have been
talking about someone else.

You mean
another friend?

Another
friend?

She tends to have
more than one friend.

Does she?

Oh, yes.

I'm her
only friend.

She must be
lonely.

She's not.

Acting is a pretty precarious
profession, isn't it?

What are you acting in
at the moment?

I'm out of work.

Poor chap.

I drive cars now
and again, chauffeuring.

Oh. Tough life.

I keep my head
above water.

What sort of parts
do you play?

Heh. Killers, mostly.

Sex maniacs, perverts.

But you're
so charming.

Yes, I know. Anyway,
what about this divorce?

What's your position,
exactly?

All in
good time.

Come in.

Have a seat. Make
yourself comfortable.

I understand you're
fucking my wife.

That's right.
Right.

Yes, right.

So we've cleared
that up.

We have.

I thought you might
have denied it.

Why would I deny it?
Well, she is my wife.

Yes. But she's fucking me.

Oh, she's fucking you too, huh?
Well, I'll be buggered.

Ha-ha. Sorry.

Yes, it's mutual.

You take turns?
We fuck each other.

That's what people do--
Yeah, yeah, um...

I follow.

We're in love.

You're in love?

That's right.

Let me top you up.

I heard a rumor that
you wanted to marry her.

That can't be true,
can it?

Why not?
In this day and age,

is marriage absolutely
necessary?

Isn't it a bit old hat?
Is it?

It's a mug's game.

I wouldn't go near it
if I were you.

Anyway, you can't
marry her.

You can't marry her
because she's married to me.

Unless I divorce her,
of course.

And are you?

Am I what?

Going to divorce her?

Or are you really gonna
make her wait five years?

She wants to know.

To be honest,
I can't wait.

But there are
one or two things

I'd like to
clear up first.

For example...

I've never heard of
an Italian called Tindle.

My father's name
is Tindolini.

Now, that's
lovely.

That's like a l-- Little bell.

Why don't you go back
to Tindolini?

It suits you.
You think so?

Yes. So if and when
you marry Maggie,

she'll be Maggie
Tindolini.

Do you get a kick out of that?
Mm.

What name do you
act under?

Tindle or Tindolini?

Tindle.
Why have I never heard of you?

You will...before long.

Really?
In spades.

That sounds threatening.
Does it?

Doesn't it?

Why don't we get down
to brass tacks?

Brass tacks, yes.
Why not?

This is the way
I see it.

Come upstairs.

I want to
show you something.

Are you all right
in elevators?

It won't make you sick
or anything, will it?

This is our bedroom.

And this...

is my wife's
dressing room.

She left
a few dresses.

Couldn't be bothered
to pick them up.

They're worth
thousands.

Thousands.

This leather coat
alone,

worth 5000 quid.

So you see,
the thing is this.

Uh...sit down.

The thing is this:

My wife spends money
like water,

so if you're
not careful,

she'll eat you

out of house
and home.

She was born
to luxury, you know.

Jamaica, the Ritz,
the Swiss Alps.

What are you?

Out-of-work actor,
part-time chauffeur.

You're out of
your depth, old boy.

You're on a hiding
to nothing.

If you think
you're broke now,

you'll be
10 times broker

by the time she's
finished with you.

She'll have your guts
for garters.

She's in love with me.

Oh, never trust
in love, chum.

Love will kick you
up the arse

as soon as
look at you.

One minute,
it's love,

10 minutes later,
it's contempt.

That's your own
experience, is it?

Oh, no, no, no.
That's observation.

Don't forget,
I'm a novelist.

I observe people.

What I'm getting at
is this--

Is you won't be able to
give her what she wants.

So she's gonna
leave you,

come back to me.

And I don't want her
near me.

I mean, that's
the last thing I want.

I've had her
up to here.

Anyway, I've got
this lovely mistress.

She runs a-- A sauna in--
In Swindon.

She's my girl.

So you see, I want
Maggie to stay with you.

I want...you two

to be together
forever.

But unless
you listen to me,

the whole thing will be
a fucking disaster

with catastrophic
consequences all round.

But...

I have a solution.

You won't believe
what I'm gonna say.

What are you
gonna say?

I'm all ears.

You know something?

I'm beginning to respond
to your charm.

Get away.
No, it's true.

I'm really touched.

You should be.

Tell me, I-I bet
you didn't

expect me to be
so intelligent.

So...quick-witted.
Did you?

Oh. I did.

Quite.

Maggie told you,
did she?

What's your solution?

It's a close fit,
isn't it?

For two.

Listen...

I'm going to make you
a proposition.

A few years ago,
I gave her some jewels.

Amazingly expensive.

Oh, I-- I didn't give 'em
to her. I-- I own them.

They're insured
in my name.

But I let her use them
on special occasions.

They're worth
1 million pounds.

They spend half the time
in the bank,

half the time
in the safe.

At the moment...

they're here in the house,
in the safe.

And I want you...

to steal them.

Steal them?

That's right.

What the hell
do you mean?

I want you to steal the jewels.

You want me to steal the jewels?
Mm.

I don't get it.

It's very simple. You steal
the jewels, sell them abroad,

and you live happily
ever after with Maggie.

I'll get rid of my wife
and I'll be like a pig in shit.

And you can keep Maggie
in the manner

to which she's become
accustomed.

You want me to take part
in a scummy little plot

to defraud your insurance
company, is that it?

I thought it was quite elegant.

What do you think I am?

I mean, what the fuck are you
actually talking about?

These are real facts.

This is a joke.
No, it isn't.

It's also a trap.
A trap?

Yes, a trap.
You think I'm a fool?

Well, are you?

It doesn't hold up.
Why not?

They're worth a million pounds?
Correct.

You'd only get a fraction
of that from any fence.

I have already contacted
a friend of mine in Amsterdam.

And he will give you
800,000 pounds tax-free.

Now, think about it.

Eight hundred
thousand pounds...

tax-free.

Why would he do that?

Because when you steal
the jewels,

you will also steal
the receipts.

So he'll have title
to the jewels,

as well as the jewels
themselves,

so that when he sells them,
he gets full value.

Got it?

Think about it.

Take your time.

And why would you
do all this?

Listen...

under this crooked
exterior,

I am a simple,
honest man.

Every word I've
told you is true,

I swear it.

I want to get rid
of my wife,

but I want it
to be solid,

permanent.

I don't want her
on my back.

I want her to stay
on your back.

This is a frame-up.

A frame-up?

Yes.

You want to
destroy me.

You want to see me
in jail.

You want me to do this,

and then shop me
to the police.

No. No, no,
no, no.

If-- If I shop you,
then you'll shop me,

and then we'll both
end up in jail.

No. I take

a strictly moral
position on all this.

My wife is
an adulteress.

Actually, she should be
stoned to death.

Anyway, it's
up to you.

Make up
your own mind.

You're asking me
to trust you?

I don't give a fuck
whether you trust me or not.

This is a simple
proposition.

You have an expensive woman
and no money.

You wanna keep the woman,
steal the jewels.

Why won't you steal
the jewels

and give them to me?

Ah-ha. Don't--
Don't be a bloody fool.

The burglary
has to be right.

The house has got to be
broken into.

Why don't you
break into it?

For chrissake,
I'm in it.

How can I break
into it? I live here.

Okay.

If I were to agree to do this,

would you agree
to the divorce?

Why should I give her
the divorce

if you're both walking away
with 800,000 pounds?

She wants a legal
settlement.

She wants part of
your estate.

Greedy.

That's
legal justice.

Never trust in
legal justice.

You know what
legal justice is?

It's farting "Annie Laurie"
through a keyhole.

Listen.

Eight hundred
thousand pounds...

tax-free.

All yours, in cash.

Why don't you stop
pissing around?

But...
wait a minute.

You get a million
from the insurance.

Sure I do.

All right, uh-- I'll--
I'll be frank.

I need it.
Cash flow,

stocks, shares going down.

Get me?

Quid pro quo.

You do me a favor,
I do you a favor.

You keep the woman.

Okay.

Let's make a deal.
What deal?

I break in...
Mm-hm.

...I steal
the jewels.

And you agree

to the divorce.

That's the deal.
Otherwise, fuck it.

That's another
quid pro quo.

But you have to
shake on it.

All right.

I'll shake on it.

Here's my hand.

Okay.

Okay.

So what do I do?

You break in.

You see that
skylight up there?

Well, that window there
is the only one

that the burglar alarm
doesn't touch.

You get in there.

That's pretty
high up.

Well, you climb
a ladder.

I'm not very good
at heights.

Oh, y-you can do it.

Honestly, I--
I know you can.

You're having
me on.

Oh, come on.
Behave like a man.

Man of action.

You don't have to be
a hairdresser

for the rest
of your life.

You can be free,
independent,

take care of the woman
you love.

Listen.

Put this on.

I use it to communicate
with my gardener.

Lovely. Actually, it suits you.

This is what you do.
You go outside.

Across the lawn,
there's a shed.

Behind the shed,
there's a ladder.

You take the ladder,

put it up against
the wall of the house,

and I direct you
through the earphone.

Are you with me?

W-- Yes. Yes.

But I'm anxious
and frightened.

Trust me.
But I don't.

Well, trust me
and all will be well.

Just follow
my advice.

It-- It's--
It's got to look real.

We have to convince
the insurance people

and the police,
if you see what I mean.

Maggie never told me
you were...

such a manipulator.
Heh.

She told me you were
no good in bed,

but she never told me
you were such a manipulator.

She told you I was
no good in bed?

Oh, yes.

She was joking.

I'm wonderful
in bed.

I must tell her.

There's the shed
across the lawn.

Shed, yeah.

There's the ladder
behind the shed.

The ladder?

The ladder.

Inside the shed, there's
a pair of gardening gloves.

You put them on.

By the gardening gloves,
there's a hammer.

You go round the back
of the house.

You put the ladder
up against the wall

by the lower roof.

Then you carry the hammer
up the ladder

onto the lower roof.

Then you pull the ladder up
on to the main roof

and break the skylight
window with the hammer.

Ah. Heh.

Wait a minute.

You've forgotten
one major item.

What?

Once I'm in,
how do I get down?

How do I get down
to floor level?

Didn't I tell you?

Oh. Sorry.

You see that small
metal door up there?

Inside there, there's
an electric ladder.

You get through the window
onto the ledge,

I press a button,
the ladder descends.

You get on it
and climb down.

Let me see it descend.

What?
Let me see it come down.

Now.
Sure.

See? Easy as pissing.

I have a funny feeling
that I'm a cunt.

Course you're a cunt.

But so what? You'll
end up a wealthy man.

Obey the rules.
Just obey the rules.

Whose rules?

My rules.

Go and get
the other ladder.

Can you see the ladder?

Ah, ha-ha-ha.
Heh-heh.

Can I see the ladder?

Place the ladder
against the wall.

Okay.

Extend the ladder.

Okay.

Climb up the ladder--
Okay!

Climb up the ladder.

Why am I doing this?

Keep calm. Keep calm.

Keep coming.
Keep coming.

Watch your step.
Jesus.

Keep calm.

Watch your step.

Oh, I'm gonna die.

Ahh!

Fuck!

Don't stop. Keep going.

Don't look down.

You're at
the window.

Smash it.

Fantastic.

Where's the ladder?!
What ladder?

The ladder!
Where's it gone?!

It's not working.
There was always

a dodgy fuse
on this. It--

I'll phone the electrician
in the morning.

In the morning?!
What about now?!

No, no, he'll be in bed.

You know these country people.

Early to bed,
early to rise.

He's a nice chap.
He's called Norman.

Charming wife, Debbie.
Three delightful kids.

Oh. I just
remembered.

He's
on vacation.

He's taken the kids
to Bermuda.

What?

So I'm stuck up here
for the rest of my life?!

Have patience.

Stoicism is what's
called for.

Works wonders.

Oh, wait a minute.

There's an emergency
button on the wall.

You see it?

That's it. Just press it
and all will be well.

There it is.

Careful. Be careful.

That's it.

Careful.
Is this as far as it will go?

Jump.

Oh--

Oh! Christ!

Wonderful.

Very, very
impressed.

I thought I was gonna die!

You will.
So what the fuck do I do now?

You open
the safe.

Where is it?
How do I open it?

Wait a minute. You don't
know where it is.

You've got to find it.
You've got to look for it.

Where is it? Start
in the bedroom.

How are you feeling?

Okay. All right.

Excited?

Quite, yes.

You're a cool
customer.

I like that.
Okay.

Open the wardrobe.
Open the drawers.

Uh, throw things
around.

You're looking
for the safe.

I-- It's up here
somewhere.

Play it
for real.

Kick the place
to death.

You're a desperate man.

Safes are always kept

behind paintings,
aren't they?

What are you
doing?

I'm a desperate man, aren't I?
That's what you said.

The man's
a barbarian.

Oh, where's
the fucking safe?!

Well, open
the chest of drawers.

It's locked.

Kick it to death.

And this...

is where
I hear you.

You hear me?

Yes, uh-- I'm
asleep in the study.

That's where
I sleep these days.

I-- I can't sleep
in the bed

without my wife,
you see.

I hear you, I come into the bedroom...

...and I find you.

And then?

I attack you.
How?

Like this. And this.

Oh, ha.

Ooh-ho.

Oh. That hurt.

So sorry.

Then...

you get out
your knife.

I don't have a knife.

I do.

You threaten me
with it.

You're threatening me.

No. I'm playing you.
This is what you do.

You want to know where the safe is...
Mm.

...what the combination is,

so you terrorize me
with this knife.

Take it easy.
Oh, you can see I'm ruthless.

I'm unpredictable.
I'm probably a killer.

And I am certainly...

very, very dangerous.

But you? You are
obstinate.

Me or you?

I-- I'm you,
you're me. Y-you get it?

Mm.
Now...

the jewels are worth
a lot of money.

You won't
give in.

But I...

...get out my gun.

I'm-- I'm still you,
by the way.

Yeah.

But then, to
make it clear...

that I mean
business...

Bull's-eye.

Bull's-eye. Heh.

Finally,
you give in.

You're-- You're
so terrified,

you show me
where the safe is.

It is...behind that.

Magic.

And you're
so frightened,

you give me
the combination.

19-11-94.

Open it.

Wait-- Wait a minute.
Am I-- Am I me now?

Or are you me--?
No, y-- You're now you.

You're now you.

Me?
No, no.

Or are-- Are y--
Are you still me?

You're now you.

And I-- I'm now me.

Open the safe.

1-9-1-1-9-4.

It was our wedding day.

The 19th of November...

1994.

Jesus.

What do you
think?

They're quite...

beautiful.

Put them
in your pocket.

Eight hundred thousand pounds, eh?
Hm.

That's what I said.

Okay.

So far, so good.

Hey, you'd better give me
the address of that fence.

What fence?

Heh. The fence in Amsterdam.

Oh. That fence.

Listen...

you put that gun down.

Why?

It's pointing directly at me.

I'm not very happy about it.

Why not?

Look, is this a game?

This is a real game.

The real game...

has just begun.

What's the real game?

You and me.

You, defenseless.

Me, with a gun.

It's the end of
the jewelry story, you see.

Oh, is it?
Yeah.

I enjoyed it, though.

I'm not enjoying this.

Oh, I don't blame you.

What--?

What's it all about?

Oh, come on.

Buck your ideas up.

You really didn't think

I was gonna let you have
my wife and the jewels?

You're joking.

You've been leading me
up the garden.

Right up.

Stand on the bed.

Listen. Wait a minute.

Before you do
anything, um...

there's something
I must tell you.

What?

Maggie
respects you.

Really?
Yes.

She often says, you are
a man of true integrity.

That you're
a really decent guy.

And she's right.

I'm a really decent guy.

I believe it.
She's quite right.

I'm a really decent guy.

I know you are.

I know you are.

And that's what
she often says.

You're-- You're--
She admires your mind.

She admires my mind?
Yes.

Y-your-- Your mind
excites her.

Sexually?

Very. Your mind excites
your wife sexually.

What about my body?

What about it?

Well, w-what
does she say...

about my body?

Do you know,
I don't--

I don't think she's
ever mentioned it.

You're a prick.

My prick-- Where does
my prick come into it?

I can guess where
it comes in.

But I wasn't talking
about your prick.

I was calling you a prick.

Oh, thanks.

But you know what
you are now, though?

What?

You're a dead duck.

Heh. Really?

This is the way the story

goes to the police.

I find you in my house,
you threaten me.

You open the safe,
you take the jewels.

You put 'em
in your pocket.

I manage to
grab the gun

while you're looking
at the jewels.

There's a struggle.
The gun goes off.

Suddenly,
I realize...

you're dead.

You're gonna shoot me.

What do you think?
Why?

I planned all this
from the word go.

I've always longed
for an intimate chat...

with a hairdresser.

Especially a hairdresser

who is fucking my wife.

I'm not a hairdresser!

My wife is mine!

She belongs to me!

And I'm her husband!

And what you've done
is this:

You've invited yourself

to attend...

your own death.

P-- Please.

No! Don't do it.

Please don't
shoot me.

Please don't
shoot me. Please!

I'll just get in my car
and go, okay?

That's all. You'll
never see me again.

You're crazy.

No, you're not crazy.

You just--
You got things wrong.

I don't want your wife.
I hate women.

You hear me?
I hate women.

I hate your wife!

You've absolutely
no reason to be jealous.

Women are not
my scene.

I'd rather do it
with a dog or a goat.

Or a b-- Or a boy
I-I knew at school.

His name was Dooley.

I called him Dolores.
I hate women!

Honest.
God's honor.

Oh.

Do you believe in God?

Just shut up.

I'm asking the questions,
not you.

How long have you known him?
I don't know him.

You don't know him?
I never met him.

What are you?
A joker?

Yes?

Andrew Wyke?

Yes.

Detective Inspector
Black.

New Scotland Yard.
Eddie Black.

I'd like a word
with you.

A word?

That's right.

What about?

Hm. Can I
come in?

Uh. Yes.

Yes. Of course.

Like a drink?

Got any beer?

Beer? Yes.

You're the writer.

You write
crime books.

That's right.

I've read
a couple.

Right on
the button.

Oh, that's
a great compliment.

How do you know
so much about it?

What?

Villainy.

Crime. Horror.

Imagination.

Imagination.

Clever.

I do my best.

Cheers.
Cheers.

I see you've got
a broken window up there.

Uh...

tropical storm the--
The other night.

Uh, bit of a hurricane.
Terrifying.

A great branch
broke off a big tree

and flew through the air
through the skylight, a--

As you can see.

Act of God.

Had it in for you, did he?

Who?
God.

Oh, yes. He's always
been a vicious bastard.

You know what God's
trouble is?

What?
He has no father.

He has no family roots.

He's rootless.

Nowhere to hang
his hat, poor bugger.

I pity him.

That's a very interesting
philosophical speculation.

Wait a minute. Aren't you
a well-known detective?

No.

Not me, mate.

You're thinking
of another bloke.

Haven't
I seen

your picture
in the newspaper?

Do you want to know
my opinion of the newspapers?

What?

Journalists are
a bunch of

prick-teasing
cocksuckers.

No.

That's right.

I'm sorry,
but isn't that

a contradiction
in terms?

Is it?

So you're not
well-known?

No. I'm a common-or-garden
copper.

I just catch sex
criminals, perverts...

...homicidal maniacs.

And what do you do
with them when you catch them?

I generally
cut their balls off.

I see.

So...

how can I help you?

Yes, I think you can
help me.

I think you can.

How?

I'm looking
into

a
disappearance.

Disappearance?

Man called Tindle.

Milo Tindle.

Sorry, I-- I-- I--
I didn't get the name.

What was it?

Tindle.

Tindle.

Tindle.
Uh, um, oh.

What about him?

Do you know him?

Know him?
Absolutely not.

You mean you've
never met him?

Never.

Never even heard of him.

That's funny.
Why?

Well...

he was staying at
the Red Lion in the village,

where he mentioned
to the landlord

he was coming
to see you...

three nights ago.

He hasn't been seen since.

His bag's still in his room.
Shaving kit, all that.

He was coming
to see me?

That's right.

He-- He mentioned it
to the landlord?

Why would he mention such
a thing to the landlord?

Well, you're
a famous writer.

You're well-known
in the district.

So how can you
help me on this?

Uh, no one came to see me.

I've no idea
who this man is.

And I know no one
called, uh, Tindle?

You don't,
eh?

What are you,
a joker?

What do you
mean?

I mean, you're
pretty quick

on your
feet.

You should have been
a ballet dancer.

I can just see you
doing pirouettes.

Ever worn a pair
of tights?

Not me.

They'd
suit you.

Nice house.

Thanks.

Design it yourself?

It's 18th-century.

No, no, I meant this.

The inside.

That was my wife.

Oh, your wife.
Is she here, by the way?

No.

Popped up
to London?

She's not here.

She's an interior
decorator, then.

Something like that.

Ah, it's a great
gift, isn't it?

You're a lucky man.

Got an ashtray?

I'm ready for
another beer.

A man was passing your house
three nights ago.

He said he heard
shots.

Passed my house?

How could he do that?

It's private property.

He were taking
a shortcut.

I think he's
a poacher.

Anyway...says
he heard shots.

What kind of shots?

Gunshots.

Fantasy.
Really?

Bullshit.

Codswallop.

Who is this man?
Are you sure he exists?

Oh, he exists
all right. Heh.

By the way, cheers.

Cheers.

Ah.

I do want to ask you
one more question.

Ask.

You do know your wife's

living in London
with another man.

That is my business.

My private life
is my business.

Do you know the name
of this man?

Why should I answer
these questions?

Well, you don't have to,

but you'd be better off
if you did.

I don't know
the man's name.

I never asked.

So you do admit

that your wife's living
in London with another man?

Yes.

Yes.

So what?

Well...

I can tell you
the man's name.

It's Tindle.

Milo Tindle.

Is it?

Yeah.

The bloke who's
disappeared.

The bloke who said
he was coming to see you.

We found...

this note
in his room.

At the pub.

"I look forward
to meeting you.

"Come to the house
Friday, 6:30.

Wyke."

Is this
your handwriting?

It is.

Do you remember
writing this note?

How could I forget?

You forgot earlier.

Said you didn't
know him.

You said you'd
never met him.

I was lying.

Lying to the police.

That will get you
nowhere.

I don't understand you,
mate, honest.

You're a clever man.

You write clever books.

But you've made a right balls-up
of this one, haven't you?

Have I?

Tindle came to see you
three nights ago.

I knew him as Tindolini.

Oh, I see.

He had an Italian father.

Get away.

Traditional Italian
hairdressing family.

Is he a hairdresser
himself?

I think he is.

He didn't come
all the way here

to do your hair,
did he?

Not at all, not at all.

So, what did you two do

when you got together?

We played a game.

A game?

A game with a knife and a gun.

A lethal game?
No.

Just a bit of fun. That's all.

Okay. A bit of fun.

So he came to see you.

You played a game
with a knife and a gun.

Three shots were fired,

then he disappeared.

So where is he?!

Probably cuddling my wife.

That's the one thing
he's not doing.

How do you know?
I've seen her.

He was nowhere in sight.

Hm. Mm.

No.

She's an anxious woman.

She knew he was coming
to see you, you see.

In fact,
she insisted...

that he come
to see you,

as I know you know.

She thinks you may
have killed him.

She thinks you're
round the bend.

She thinks you're
a very dangerous man.

Me? She's joking.

So tell me, between ourselves...

did you kill him?

I'll tell you
exactly what I did.

I pretended to kill him.

I shot him with a blank.

I frightened the shit
out of him.

Your man was right.

Your spy...whoever he was.

There were three shots.

The first two were real.
The third one was blank.

He was
terrified.

When I shot him,
he fainted.

When he came round,
I gave him a drink,

pat on the bum,

he left the house,

his tail, if you want to
call it that,

between his legs.

And I haven't seen him since.

You gave him a pat
on the bum?

Metaphorically.

You gave him a metaphorical
pat on the bum?

Sure.
How did he take it?

What?
The pat.

He was fine. He told me

that it was game, set
and match to me.

So this guy
had a sense of humor,

is that what
you're saying?

Oh, yes. He left
the house

with a twinkle in his eye.

So tell me...

what was the point
of all this?

Humiliation.

It's nice to see
your wife's lover

a shivering, frightened,
fucking wreck in front of you.

As a matter of fact,
I liked him.

I thought he was
attractive.

I thought we could have
become good friends.

The shortest way
to a man's heart,

as I'm sure you know,
is humiliation.

It binds you together.

You found him...

attractive?

I put myself in
my wife's shoes,

in a manner
of speaking.

I was trying
to find out

what attracted her
to him.

And did you?
Oh, yes.

He was really, uh...

terribly sweet.

I could see why
she fancied him.

Could see why he fancies her.

Really?

Found her very tasty
myself.

Is that so?

Oh, yes.

Sumptuous. Ready
for action.

I mean, I'm an
experienced detective.

So...

guess what I detected.

What?

That she's in love

with her own body.

Makes her dizzy
with excitement.

Mm.

You detected all this
in five minutes?

Well, 35.

Perhaps even 45.

Well, let's
call it 55,

or even a little bit
longer.

You stayed for tea?

And cakes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Must be funny for you
to know

your own wife's getting
a good going-over

from another man
on a regular basis.

Going-over? I d--
I don't follow.

You don't?

Not a phrase
I'm familiar with.

Means being fucked.

Oh, you mean like in
sexual intercourse?

Yes, the old one-two.

In like a lion,
out like a lamb.

I must say, you have
a great gift for language.

Did you learn it at school?

family life.

But you keep cheerful.

You've got it,
I keep cheerful.

I've got
an optimistic nature.

You got to when
you're a policeman.

Otherwise, you'd go mad.

No. I'll tell you...

what keeps me
going.

The chase,

the thrill
of the hunt,

and the sudden shafts
of bright light.

For instance,

when I was talking...

to your wife--

Very attractive woman.

Wonderful legs.

Heh. She was crossing 'em
at the time, I remember.

--she suddenly said

you had a murderous nature.

Now, that really
made my nose twitch.

Itch?

Twitch...

mate.

Twitch.

So I'm looking at you
and I'm wondering...

what have you done
with the body?

Where's
the body?

Come on, I need
to know.

Where's the body?

What have you done
with the body?

There's no body.

Don't fuck about.

Don't bullshit me.
I won't stand for it.

Where's the body? In the house,
or did you shift it?

There is no body!

Ach.

Here. Look at this.

You've got holes in your walls.

Ah.

They're bullet holes.
Live bullet holes.

Yes, I-- I fired two live
bullets to set up the trick,

and one blank
to complete it.

It was a game,
I told you.

I-- I played it
to the hilt.

It's not worth
playing the game

unless you play it to
the hilt.

The third shot was a blank?
That's right.

What's that?
What?

Blood.
What?

Dried blood!

Some of it's not even dried.
It's still a little damp.

That's impossible.

That's blood, chum.

Whose blood is it?
It's impossible.

It was a game.
It was a blank.

No, no. It was a game with
real bullets and real blood.

This is a carve-up.

Let's see...

what else
is new around here.

Hello. What's this?

We've got a shirt,

jacket and trousers
screwed up

in the back of
your cupboard.

Very negligent of you, mate.
Unless they're not yours.

No, I don't think
they're yours.

I think they belong to Tindle.

You say he left the house
after you shot him.

Yes.
Naked?

I-I don't know how
those clothes got there.

So you made him strip
before you shot him?

Part of the humiliation,
was it?

No. The thing is this.

It might have
started as a game,

but it got out of hand.

The third shot was live!

It killed him!

So where's the body?!

I didn't kill him!
He's alive!

Bollocks. You're a joker, all right.

A real joker.

Come on. We're off
to the station.

Something
very wrong here.

Hey. Dead right.

- I'll tell you what you are.
- You're fucked.

Jesus Christ.

Don't struggle, chum.
I'll have you for breakfast.

There's something
very wrong here.

You're up shit
creek, Wyke.

You're up shit creek without a paddle.

Look at you.

All aquiver.

Who's the dead duck?

Jesus Christ.

You're the dead duck.

I just sucked you in

and blew you out
in little bubbles.

It's you.
It's me, all right.

You bastard. You stinking bastard.

It's a little game, Andrew.
Just a little game.

You shit.

I thought it might amuse you.

You're a total shit.
I know I am.

But you're also
a genius.

I know that too.

When did you
do all this?

The clothes
in the wardrobe?

The blood?

The blood belongs
to a pig's liver.

But when did you do it?
How did you do it?

I did it last night.
I used that ladder.

I heard you snoring.

Does Maggie know about this?
Your detective,

was it her idea?

How much does she know?

She knows nothing about it.

Entirely my own idea.

This is a game
between us...

old boy.

Between you...

and me.

Don't forget...

I'm half Italian.

We go in
for revenge.

After all, you...

frightened the life
out of me deliberately.

You fired two live bullets
into the wall...

and then you p--

You pointed
the gun at me.

And then you fired.

I don't like guns.

They kill you.

Okay.

So, what does this
make the score?

You've had
your revenge.

So...

what do you reckon?

One set all?

No, no, you're way ahead.

I only teased you
with my inspector,

gave you a few
goose pimples.

But you frightened me to death.

Did you really think I
was going to kill you? Ha-ha.

You fainted, you see.
It was a blank.

I may be three games up...

in the second set.

If I'd have killed you,
I'd have to bury the body

in the garden or--
Or somewhere.

Too exhausting.

But you won the first, 6-love.

So we're a long way
from one set all.

Oh, uh, by the way, I--

I spoke to Maggie.

I told her all about you.

She loved it.

Loved what?

That I frightened
the life out of you.

That you pissed
your pants.

And that you
actually fainted.

She said to me,

"You mean
he actually fainted?"

I said, "Dead out.
He was scared shitless."

Went out like a light.

She-- She laughed
so much,

I thought she was
gonna burst.

Oh, uh, incidentally...

she's coming back to me.

Oh, is she?

Yes, that's
right.

You know what
she said about you?

What?

She said:

"Faint heart never won
fair lady."

Is that a fact?

Yeah.

Listen...

I wanna show you something.

Go into your study
and sit down.

Go into my study?

And sit down.

What are you doing?

It's late at night.

You're reading a book
under a lamp.

Read something.

What--? What's going on?

Read a book.

It's late at night.
You're reading a book.

You hear something.
You look up.

It's me jumping off
the ladder.

You see me
with this gun.

You're caught...
like a rat in a trap.

You stare at the gun.
You're paralyzed.

I've come for
the jewels.

Where's the safe?!
What jewels?

The jewels.
Where's the safe?!

You know where the safe is.
I don't.

You don't?
Don't fuck me about. I mean it.

Get up.

Heh.
Ha-ha-ha-ha.

You think this gun

isn't real?

Oh.

Where is it?

Uh...upstairs.

Well, let's go upstairs.

Get up
these stairs,

or I'll ram this gun
right up your ass.

The safe is behind
the fish tank.

How am I gonna
get to it?

Well, you press the button,
and the button moves the tank.

Then press it.

I j-- I-it's not working.
It's out of ord--

What are you, a maniac?
You're crazy.

Open it.

I-I changed
the combination yesterday.

What is it?
Uh, uh, I forgot.

I can't remember.
Remember.

It's the truth.
I can't remember.

Remember!

What are you doing?
What are you gonna do?

I've broken into
your house

because I know you have
jewels in a safe.

I have inside
information.

I want them.

Remember the combination
and open it.

It was a blank.

The next one's real.

There's a good boy.

So, what are you writing
at the moment?

What am I writing?

Yes, I'm-- I'm very
interested in literature.

You mind if I have a drink?

Sure. It's your house.

I'm always
interested

in the people
I rob.

Like I'm always interested

in the husbands
of the wives I fuck.

Are you really?

Well, well.

Cheers.

So...

what are you writing?

It's the story of
a pathological killer. I--

I call it
The Smiling Man.

Does he come to
a bad end?

He dies during
the act of love.

Like countless others.

Countless
others, eh?

I see you've researched
the subject thoroughly.

What subject?

Death in orgasm.

Yeah. I-isn't that
a beautiful notion?

To die in the arms
of your beloved.

Can you--?
Can you imagine

anything more poignant?

I can't, no.
No.

You're a married man
yourself, aren't you?

Yeah. Been married 13 years.
Hm.

It was love
at first sight.

Very moving.
Yeah.

And we're still in love.
Like two peas in a pod.

Someone told me
your wife has a lover.

She has, yeah.
Do you know him?

No, I've never met him.
He's some sort of Italian.

Called, uh, Tandoori
or something.

One of the Bombay
Tandooris?

You've got it, yeah.

You know something?

I've never met
an artistic burglar before.

That's fantastic.

What's your background?

Me?

You.
Irish.

Oh.
Connemara.

Spanish descent. By way of Uganda.
Mm-hm.

My grandparents
were slaves.

My mother was
a dark-eyed,

dusky beauty.

Were you breast-fed?

Oh, sure.
Like a baby.

Shall I tell you

what I want you to do

with these jewels?

What?

You look
so charming.

How do you want it?

Like this?

Or...

shorter?

Hm? How about this?

Or even shorter,
like a halter? Mm?

You-- You're--
You're hurting me.

Oh, am I hurting you?

Yeah. Yes. Don't hurt me.

Are you sensitive
to pain? Hm?

Very. Very.

Oh, I wouldn't want to
hurt you, sweetheart.

You're
too much fun. Mm?

Am I really?

Oh, yes.
You're wicked.

I like that. Yeah.

Do you know something?

Uh?

I don't think these earrings
really suit me.

Tsk. Oh.

You're right.
Take 'em off.

Uh-- And, uh...

I don't think this bracelet
is really my style either.

But the necklace
is nice.

Mm.
Mm.

I'm not totally sure.

Listen...

you can play
with these jewels

till the cows come home.

They're yours. Do what
you like with them.

But, uh...

I thought you'd
just stolen them.

No, no! It was a game!

It was just a game!

I thought it might
amuse you.

Hm?

Huh?

Hm? Hm.

Well...

aren't you...

the wicked one?

Mm.

You remember what I said?

You won the first set, 6-love.

I was 3-love up
in the second.

Well...now

it's one set all.

But who's going to win...

the third set?

Remains to be seen.

You like games, don't you?

Some. Not all.

But you like
being in charge...

of the game?

Oh, yes. Sure.

I like a man who wants
to be in charge of things.

Do you?

Yes, I do.

Listen. You've met
my wife, I think.

I have met her.

Yes.

Did she say
if she had a husband?

Yes.

Yeah. She said
she had a husband.

How did she
describe him?

Remote. Cold.

Malevolent.

Spiteful.

Arrogant. Ruthless.

Jealous. Paranoid.

Criminal tendencies.

Mentally unsound.

That's me, all right.
Heh-heh.

You know
something? I--

I like your mind.

Do you really?

It excites me.

I like the way
you go about things.

You mean...

you like my style?

Oh, I-- I like
your style.

I like it very much.

Look, I want to

make you a proposition.

What?

I want to show you something.

Can't you put that
gun down now?

Mm...no.

God, you're so strong,
so ruthless, aren't you?

Yes.

Have you
any idea what

my proposition
is going to be?

No.

Are you excited?

I'd say intrigued.

I think you're going to be
excited very much.

This...

is the guest suite.

Isn't it nice?

Look at the view.

There's a private
bathroom. Small fridge.

A bottle of Chilean
Chardonnay

is chilling in there
at this very moment.

This suite...

is uninhabited.

It has no occupant.

How would you like it?

Me?

Yes. Yes.

I think I've come
to the conclusion

that you're...

my kind of person.

Am I, now?

Well-- Well, I told you.

I-I liked your mind.
It excited me.

I-- I need...

intellectual excitement.

Intellectual stimulation.

Well, they don't grow
on trees.

I'm a rich man.

What do you want to do?

I can subsidize...

anything you want.

You want to open
a bookshop in the village?

An art gallery?

Or, of course...

a little theater.

You're
a wonderful actor.

You could choose
all the plays

and play
all the leading parts.

But...

this would be your home.

And this would be
your bedroom.

You're asking me...

to live here?

Yes, I'm asking
you, uh...

to stay with me.

Oh, w-- We would
also travel.

I mean, Jamaica,
Swiss Alps.

I bet you're a wonderful
skier, aren't you?

You could ski
to your heart's content.

Swim in the blue
Caribbean.

I'd be waiting
at our table

with a Scotch
on the rocks.

Or a chilled
Chilean Chardonnay.

The world would be your oyster.

But what about Maggie?

Forget her.

Let her rot.

Stay with me.

You're my kind
of person.

It's quite tempting.

Hello?

Hi.

It's going okay.

We're still talking.

We're on
the right track.

It's all going okay.

Don't come down.

That would be
a mistake.

It's all going fine.

I love you too.

I am.

I'm kissing you.

Oh, yes.

I can taste
your mouth.

What the hell did she want?

She wants that divorce.

What about my proposition?

Well, I like the idea
of Jamaica.

What about
Barbados?

Well, and Barbados.
And Antigua.

Yeah. It's true.

There are so many places
I haven't seen.

Hollywood. Uh, Saint Petersburg.

The Côte d'Azur, Coney Island--

Oh, and I hear there's that
wonderful hotel in Scotland

called Balmoral.
That's where the queen lives.

Ah. So bed and breakfast
is out.

It's on if you know the queen.

I don't.

I do.

That's fantastic.

But-- But seriously, though.

We could have such
a wonderful time together.

Venice? Disneyland?

Whatever you want.

Whatever you want.

Whoever you want.

I could introduce you

to whoever you want.

Kissinger? Dick Cheney?

Madonna? Mike Tyson?

Yes.
Yes?

I must say,
that as offers go...

it's quite tempting.

You're a naughty tempter,
aren't you?

I'm so glad
you like my mind.

Not many people
like my mind.

Quite a few people
like my body, but, uh...

I can't think of anyone
who likes my mind.

That makes you unique.

Tsk. But then,
of course...

you know what
they say.

The mind is the body.

Is that what they say?

Somebody said something like it
once. Bullshit, of course.

Anyway...

perhaps I am
your sort of person.

Who knows?

But you...

would have to be
very nice to me.

For instance,
just at this moment,

I need a drink.

You can get your own drink.

No, you get it for me,
and I might be nice to you.

Nice to me?

That's what I said.

Whiskey, please.

Hm.

Mm.

Can't deny,

I can be...

quite a congenial
companion.

I really-- I can't
deny it. Heh-heh.

I could be...

quite a...

witty...

companion.

Would you
like...

a witty
companion?

Very much.

I'm particularly
witty in the morning.

Would that suit you?

Some people
hate...

wit...in the morning.

What about you?

I-I love wit in the morning.

Over boiled eggs?

Do you like eggs?

Absolutely.

I'm a dab hand
in the kitchen.

But...

you have to be
nice to me

and get me a drink

when I ask for it.

You see?

You can be
really sweet

when you put
your mind to it.

Cheers.

Listen, I can see
what you're saying.

I can see why you're
inviting me to live with you.

I can see that
you're lonely.

That you need
looking after.

It's obvious.

You need someone
who would

cater for
your every whim.

Don't you?

I do.

Hello?

Darling.

What?

Oh, is that so?

Are you?

Huh. I see.

Are you sure?

I see.

I got it.

I told you I got it.
I understand.

Okay.

Okay, I'll tell him.

Tell me what?

That she loves you.

Is that so?

What else did she say?

Nothing.

Nothing?
Nothing.

Listen, for chrissake...

make up your mind.

I'm offering you
something special.

Something
very special.

We seal it with
a handshake.

And she's nowhere.

We cut her out,
you understand?

We cut her out
of our lives.

Don't let her
dominate you.

Be yourself.

Be independent.
Be free.

Like you?

That's right.
Be free like me.

I've...

always been attracted...

to rich and
powerful men.

Rich and
powerful men

make all the girls
quiver...

like a jelly
on a plate.

But you're not a girl.

Tickles the old
cobblers...

money.

Girls don't
have cobblers.

You'd be surprised.

But you're not a girl.

I may have been once.

Back in the good old days.

Maybe the good old days
are coming back.

Who knows?

Look...

I'd really like to
see your bed.

I mean...

let me be quite clear.

This looks a very nice
bed indeed.

But yours is bigger.

Can I take another look?

Sure.

Is this how you do it?

Miraculous.

I could really
get to like this.

Of course, this...

is the marriage
bed,

isn't it?

Mm.

Is this where she took
your virginity?

Is this where your wife
deflowered you?

Is this where you were
deflowered?

It's a lovely bed.

So...bouncy.

I'm so touched...

that you've offered me
a place in your heart.

In your life.

I'm touched.

Take your hand off me.

Take your hand off me.

Fuck off!

Fuck off,
you big poof!

Jesus.
I come here...

as an innocent bystander.

As a totally
respectable individual.

A humble part-time
hairdresser.

And you try to corrupt me.

You try to seduce me.

Do you know what you are?

You're a menace.

Also...

you're a cunt.

Well, uh...

now you really
are charming.

You know who's gonna love

this story?
What story?

This one. This one.
Who?

Maggie!
Really?

By the way, she asked me
to tell you something.

What?
That she's coming back to you.

She's on her way.

She's coming
back to me?

That's what she told me
on the phone.

I don't want her.
Well, you've got her.

She's all yours.
You're welcome to her.

She loves your money, baby.

That's the nub of it.

I don't want her.

What are you doing
with that coat?

I'm taking it.

Tell Maggie
I'll be in touch.

I want to have a drink with her.
Bring her up to date.

Hm.

How do you like me
in this coat?

Do you fancy me?

Goodbye...darling.

Wait a minute.

Yes? What?

Goodbye, darling.