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♪ Jacob climbed the ladder ♪
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♪ climbed it to the sky ♪
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♪ said, ♪
♪ people, what's the matter? ♪
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♪ Heaven ain't so high ♪
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♪ people, heaven ain't so high ♪
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♪ when you got the shield ♪
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♪ you got the shield ♪
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♪ you got the shield ♪
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♪ you got the shield ♪
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♪ you got the shield ♪
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♪ you got the shield ♪
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♪ of Abraham ♪
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♪ little children ♪
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♪ you got the shield ♪
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♪ you got the shield ♪
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♪ you got the shield ♪
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♪ you got the shield ♪
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♪ you got the shield ♪
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♪ you got the shield ♪
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♪ of Abraham ♪
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♪ The years were lifeless ♪
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♪ they wandered ♪
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♪ in the desert 40 years ♪
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♪ and ol' Moses told the children ♪
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♪ brush away them tears ♪
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♪ hey, kids, this ain't no time for tears ♪
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♪ you got the shield ♪
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♪ you got the shield ♪
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♪ you got the shield ♪
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♪ you got the shield ♪
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♪ you got the shield ♪
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♪ you got the shield ♪
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♪ of Abraham ♪
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♪ little children ♪
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♪ you got the shield ♪
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♪ you got the shield ♪
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♪ you got the shield ♪
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♪ you got the shield ♪
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♪ you got the shield ♪
40
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♪ you got the shield ♪
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♪ of Abraham ♪
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♪ David, he fought goliath ♪
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♪ with nothing but a tiny stone ♪
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♪ David, little David ♪
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♪ God knows you're not alone ♪
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♪ God knows you're not alone ♪
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♪ David, you got the shield ♪
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♪ you got the shield ♪
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♪ you got the shield ♪
50
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♪ you got the shield ♪
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♪ you got the shield ♪
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♪ you got the shield ♪
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♪ of Abraham ♪
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♪ little David ♪
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♪ you got the shield ♪
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♪ you got the shield ♪
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♪ you got the shield ♪
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♪ you got the shield ♪
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♪ you got the shield ♪
60
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♪ you got the shield... ♪
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My name is Christian thaddeus
Reginald mcarthur O'Connell,
62
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and between the ages of 8 and 17 years old,
63
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good old Uncle Sam restationed my father 12 times.
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- Class, please welcome--
- G.I. Joe?
65
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From Wichita to Berlin,
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nobody wanted to be friends with the new kid.
67
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I think g.I. Joe is cool.
68
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Because you have a lot in common
69
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or maybe because you want something
70
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or because no one else will be your friend.
71
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And that's how I became friends with Adam lipschitz.
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How rude of me.
73
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Want one?
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We were complete opposites,
75
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but we became best friends.
76
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My first dinner
with the lipschitzes--one word.
77
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Why couldn't we have gone to China palace?
78
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Denny, we've discussed this.
79
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Do you want to drop dead of a heart attack
80
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by the time you're 50?
81
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- No, but--
82
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- besides, I heard that they cook
83
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with d-o-g.
84
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Adam's mom took control of her men.
85
00:03:55,098 --> 00:03:57,098
- Nah, you're right, Arlene.
You're always right.
86
00:03:57,100 --> 00:04:00,201
- I love you.
- Well, I love you more.
87
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- No, I love you more.
- You just wait till later.
88
00:04:02,338 --> 00:04:04,105
Ooh, is that a threat or a promise?
89
00:04:04,107 --> 00:04:06,207
It kind of freaked me out at first...
90
00:04:07,944 --> 00:04:10,745
But I learned to love it.
91
00:04:10,747 --> 00:04:13,781
- Hi. My name's soo yun.
You ready to order?
92
00:04:13,783 --> 00:04:16,417
Stop staring at her, Adam.
93
00:04:16,419 --> 00:04:17,852
That is rude!
94
00:04:17,854 --> 00:04:19,887
- Oh.
- You cute.
95
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You stare all you like, little man.
96
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You are not and you will never be her little man.
97
00:04:26,829 --> 00:04:30,231
I never realized how different growing up Jewish was...
98
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- Where's my burger?
Betsy!
99
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Until I hung out with the o'connells.
100
00:04:35,505 --> 00:04:37,104
I'm Comin'.
101
00:04:37,106 --> 00:04:39,039
I'm sorry, the tots were frozen
102
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and I--and I had to wait
for them to defrost.
103
00:04:42,145 --> 00:04:46,981
And where's my Uncle Brian's barbecue sauce, huh?
104
00:04:46,983 --> 00:04:48,983
- One word--gentiles.
105
00:04:48,985 --> 00:04:52,019
Oh, I got distracted waiting for them tots.
106
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I'll go get it.
Don't you move an inch.
107
00:04:54,457 --> 00:04:55,990
- Way back!
And he sees Taylor!
108
00:04:55,992 --> 00:04:58,292
And the throw is up!
109
00:04:58,294 --> 00:05:00,795
- Aah! Touchdown!
110
00:05:00,797 --> 00:05:02,296
- Oh!
111
00:05:02,298 --> 00:05:04,565
What the hell?
That's a touchdown.
112
00:05:04,567 --> 00:05:06,433
I'll tell you one thing.
113
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There's nobody who called a better game than cosell,
114
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but boy, did he have him one heck of a beak.
115
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Jew beak.
116
00:05:19,881 --> 00:05:22,483
The talmud states that the first 12 years
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of a Jewish man's life all lead up to the moment
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where he must transform himself
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from a boy to a man.
120
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Adam mintz lipschitz, that moment has arrived.
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I'd never been to any jewy type of thing
122
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until Adam's bar mitzvah.
123
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Gaah!
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I'm not ready to be a man!
125
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I'm not ready to be a man!
I'm not ready to be a man!
126
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I'm not ready!
I'm not ready!
127
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I'm not ready to be a man!
128
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- And your fault.
129
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I'm not ready to be a man!
- What the hell was that?
130
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Bar mitzvahs rock!
131
00:06:10,433 --> 00:06:14,969
Christian didn't always come up with the smartest ideas.
132
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Nobody calls me g.I. Joe.
133
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My mom told me that if your hand touches poo,
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you can get psoriasis.
135
00:06:21,344 --> 00:06:22,643
Yeah, whatever.
136
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Launch sequence activated.
137
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3, 2, 1.
Commence fire!
138
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Mission abort!
Mission abort!
139
00:06:32,221 --> 00:06:34,288
It might look like I'm having a seizure.
140
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I'm not.
This is a panic attack.
141
00:06:36,092 --> 00:06:38,359
Get up lipschitz, get up!
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I can't, Chris.
143
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Get up!
- Sons of bitches!
144
00:06:43,666 --> 00:06:49,236
Do either of you know what time it is?
145
00:06:49,238 --> 00:06:51,272
3:07 A.M., sir.
146
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And what do I like to do
at 3:07 A.M.?
147
00:06:55,278 --> 00:06:56,644
Sleep, sir.
148
00:06:56,646 --> 00:06:59,013
Apparently, the two of you don't.
149
00:06:59,015 --> 00:07:04,251
You two would rather be launching bags of feces.
150
00:07:04,253 --> 00:07:05,953
I need a word with you in private.
151
00:07:08,957 --> 00:07:10,925
Feces?
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In here.
153
00:07:13,095 --> 00:07:16,931
You see, my son would have executed like a real marine
154
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if it hadn't been for private lipschitz,
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who had a brain fart.
156
00:07:22,204 --> 00:07:25,072
He screwed up the entire operation.
157
00:07:25,074 --> 00:07:28,242
Now what the heck kind of a weird shit is that?
158
00:07:28,244 --> 00:07:30,945
- It's a pulmo machine.
- English!
159
00:07:30,947 --> 00:07:32,313
It's for his asthma.
160
00:07:32,315 --> 00:07:35,416
So your boy, he's got a fake disease?
161
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I'll bet you make him wear a seatbelt too.
162
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How is your boy still alive?
163
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Seriously, how?
164
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All I can say is, I thank God and Uncle Sam
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that I have been restationed.
166
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- Schmuck.
- Come on, Christian.
167
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Let's move.
Come on.
168
00:07:54,136 --> 00:07:56,036
Where are we moving to, dad?
169
00:07:56,038 --> 00:07:59,006
Camp blue Jean, South Carolina.
170
00:07:59,008 --> 00:08:01,275
But I don't want to
move again, dad. I like it here.
171
00:08:01,277 --> 00:08:02,676
- Oh, you like it here?
You're gonna love it there.
172
00:08:02,678 --> 00:08:04,311
Adam's the best friend I've ever had.
173
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Come on, Chris.
174
00:08:05,715 --> 00:08:07,116
- Chris is the best friend
that I've ever--
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Move.
176
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He was the only Jew I ever knew.
177
00:08:17,259 --> 00:08:19,994
But then... College.
178
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Could you maybe not mix the potassium permanganate
179
00:08:22,331 --> 00:08:27,301
I prefer to not explode before graduation.
180
00:08:27,303 --> 00:08:30,337
Here. Use the hydrazine.
- Thanks.
181
00:08:30,339 --> 00:08:34,341
Her name was Rebecca hadassah zahada ogin.
182
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You know, me and you have really good chemistry.
183
00:08:38,381 --> 00:08:42,483
And just like that, all of my decisions went away.
184
00:08:42,485 --> 00:08:44,785
Oh, I'm gonna have an order
of the fried mozzarella sticks.
185
00:08:44,787 --> 00:08:47,554
I didn't have to decide what to eat...
186
00:08:47,556 --> 00:08:50,391
- Surprise.
- What?
187
00:08:50,393 --> 00:08:52,659
I didn't have to decide what clothes to buy.
188
00:08:52,661 --> 00:08:54,528
Oh!
189
00:08:54,530 --> 00:08:56,730
Who my friends were gonna be.
190
00:08:58,267 --> 00:09:00,401
I'm sorry, dudes, but Chris' gpa
191
00:09:00,403 --> 00:09:02,703
has dropped over the past two quarters,
192
00:09:02,705 --> 00:09:06,407
so he will no longer be hosting poker night.
193
00:09:06,409 --> 00:09:10,210
I'm coming to you live from the university of Colorado,
194
00:09:10,212 --> 00:09:14,815
Yeah! I'm standing here with
a hot and busty young co-Ed.
195
00:09:14,817 --> 00:09:18,118
Say hi for the--
for the audience, Rebecca.
196
00:09:18,120 --> 00:09:20,421
- Hi.
- Wow.
197
00:09:20,423 --> 00:09:22,256
Now Rebecca has just informed me
198
00:09:22,258 --> 00:09:24,758
underneath her graduation gown.
199
00:09:24,760 --> 00:09:26,427
Is that true, Rebecca?
200
00:09:26,429 --> 00:09:28,429
That is true, vance,
201
00:09:28,431 --> 00:09:31,765
and I dare you
to get a close-up.
202
00:09:36,072 --> 00:09:37,404
Stop.
Get out.
203
00:09:37,406 --> 00:09:39,239
- Oh, my God.
You're so beautiful.
204
00:09:39,241 --> 00:09:41,442
I just--I found this
beautiful little pink box.
205
00:09:41,444 --> 00:09:43,343
You're disgusting.
206
00:09:43,345 --> 00:09:45,679
No, look. Really.
207
00:09:47,616 --> 00:09:50,551
Marry me, Rebecca.
208
00:09:52,555 --> 00:09:57,791
Look, these last three years
have been a lot of fun together,
209
00:09:57,793 --> 00:10:00,194
but we're entering the real world now,
210
00:10:00,196 --> 00:10:04,264
and in the real world, this can't work.
211
00:10:04,266 --> 00:10:06,233
Why not?
212
00:10:06,235 --> 00:10:09,369
Because you're not Jewish.
213
00:10:10,538 --> 00:10:13,774
- Wait.
What are you saying?
214
00:10:13,776 --> 00:10:16,677
It's over, Christian.
215
00:10:19,882 --> 00:10:21,748
- And now
I'm a 31-year-old plumber,
216
00:10:21,750 --> 00:10:24,451
still crying over his college girlfriend.
217
00:10:24,453 --> 00:10:26,420
I miss bec-bec.
218
00:10:26,422 --> 00:10:28,789
Okay, I located that one!
219
00:10:28,791 --> 00:10:31,191
70 pounds of pressure
rising! Over!
220
00:10:31,193 --> 00:10:34,595
Okay. Locating
the septic tank!
221
00:10:34,597 --> 00:10:38,532
Looking at 85 pounds
and rising! Over!
222
00:10:38,534 --> 00:10:40,334
Are you there, boss?
Over!
223
00:10:40,336 --> 00:10:42,336
- Yeah, guys, I'm here.
Sorry, sorry.
224
00:10:42,338 --> 00:10:44,738
And did you find the gas line?
225
00:10:44,740 --> 00:10:46,240
Yeah, got it.
226
00:10:46,242 --> 00:10:49,676
- Got it too.
- Okay, boss.
227
00:10:49,678 --> 00:10:51,445
We're going to shut them both down, okay?
228
00:10:51,447 --> 00:10:53,847
Tres, dos, shut off!
229
00:10:56,752 --> 00:10:58,519
Guys, I'm really sorry.
230
00:10:58,521 --> 00:11:00,320
I don't know what happened.
I must have spaced out.
231
00:11:00,322 --> 00:11:03,257
- It's cool, boss.
No worries.
232
00:11:03,259 --> 00:11:05,192
I space out too sometime.
233
00:11:05,194 --> 00:11:06,760
But if it was my responsibility
234
00:11:06,762 --> 00:11:08,462
to turn off the gas and sewer lines
235
00:11:08,464 --> 00:11:12,633
of my loyal, hardworking, underpaid employees
236
00:11:12,635 --> 00:11:14,635
next to a leaking septic tank
237
00:11:14,637 --> 00:11:17,738
with 10,000 pounds of raw sewage,
238
00:11:17,740 --> 00:11:20,307
I would not fucking space out!
239
00:11:20,309 --> 00:11:21,508
Sorry. What'd you say?
I spaced out.
240
00:11:21,510 --> 00:11:24,344
Ay, madre de dios!
241
00:11:24,346 --> 00:11:25,946
Que es eso?What is that?
242
00:11:25,948 --> 00:11:27,581
- What?
- Que es eso? Que--
243
00:11:27,583 --> 00:11:32,252
What was I thinking, coming to work with you today?
244
00:11:32,254 --> 00:11:34,621
It's may 25th.
- Oye, cinco de Mayo?
245
00:11:34,623 --> 00:11:37,291
No, pendejo, may 25th is the day
246
00:11:37,293 --> 00:11:39,493
that this chica Rebecca dumped him nine years ago.
247
00:11:39,495 --> 00:11:45,566
And accidentally hooked it up to the hot water?
248
00:11:46,635 --> 00:11:48,202
Boiling toilet day.
249
00:11:48,204 --> 00:11:50,270
Boss, I loved that day, man.
250
00:11:50,272 --> 00:11:52,339
I went to take a crap and the toilet exploded!
251
00:11:52,341 --> 00:11:54,374
I still have porcelain in my ass.
252
00:11:54,376 --> 00:11:56,577
Look, boss, me and Juan, okay,
253
00:11:56,579 --> 00:11:57,578
we love you, okay?
254
00:11:57,580 --> 00:12:01,582
Of risking our life for this puta!
255
00:12:01,584 --> 00:12:03,517
Look, just do us both a favor.
256
00:12:03,519 --> 00:12:05,385
Go out there and find yourself another puta
257
00:12:05,387 --> 00:12:07,387
and move on with your life, puto!
258
00:12:07,389 --> 00:12:09,723
You get on with your life, you puto!
259
00:12:09,725 --> 00:12:13,260
Boss, can I go to the bathroom?
260
00:12:13,262 --> 00:12:15,262
- Mm-Hmm.
261
00:12:16,265 --> 00:12:17,264
Have you ever dreamed
262
00:12:17,266 --> 00:12:23,503
embroidered on your favorite undies?
263
00:12:23,505 --> 00:12:26,573
What about your gang name on your baseball cap?
264
00:12:26,575 --> 00:12:29,710
Malt 40! Unh!
Manatee! Uh-huh!
265
00:12:29,712 --> 00:12:32,579
Goldie tooth!
266
00:12:32,581 --> 00:12:36,617
Then come on down to the embroidery palace.
267
00:12:36,619 --> 00:12:38,552
Where our royal family has provided
268
00:12:38,554 --> 00:12:41,722
the highest quality custom embroidery for 50 years!
269
00:12:41,724 --> 00:12:45,959
No Booty too big, no Booty too small,
270
00:12:45,961 --> 00:12:48,528
because here at the embroidery palace,
271
00:12:48,530 --> 00:12:49,997
we embroider it all!
272
00:12:49,999 --> 00:12:52,733
- What the hell?
- Oh, damn it!
273
00:12:52,735 --> 00:12:55,435
Sorry. I told her
not to call again.
274
00:12:55,437 --> 00:12:56,837
- Could you be
any more pussy-whipped?
275
00:12:56,839 --> 00:12:58,472
Rreow!
276
00:12:58,474 --> 00:12:59,473
Yeah. What now?
277
00:12:59,475 --> 00:13:02,542
Stuck working for the family business
278
00:13:02,544 --> 00:13:04,311
and engaged to Hannah Daniels.
279
00:13:04,313 --> 00:13:05,779
This is her 13th call.
280
00:13:05,781 --> 00:13:07,948
Yes, I'm available
after 3:00 tomorrow.
281
00:13:07,950 --> 00:13:09,049
Why?
282
00:13:09,051 --> 00:13:12,619
Why would we have a preschool interview?
283
00:13:12,621 --> 00:13:15,355
You're not even pregnant yet!
284
00:13:15,357 --> 00:13:16,857
No, Hannah, it's smart to interview now.
285
00:13:16,859 --> 00:13:20,460
This commercial is costing me an assload.
286
00:13:20,462 --> 00:13:22,329
Get off the phone!
- Okay, I gotta go.
287
00:13:22,331 --> 00:13:26,033
I gotta go.
Yes, I love you. Bye.
288
00:13:26,035 --> 00:13:30,937
Why didn't you cover that before the shoot?
289
00:13:30,939 --> 00:13:33,540
Do you want people to change the channel
290
00:13:33,542 --> 00:13:36,410
Would you prefer our family go broke?
291
00:13:36,412 --> 00:13:37,911
- Oh, mom, no!
Come on, mom!
292
00:13:37,913 --> 00:13:39,446
- Oh, no.
Stop moving.
293
00:13:39,448 --> 00:13:41,715
- No, not the safety pin!
Come on!
294
00:13:41,717 --> 00:13:47,321
Hold his head.
- Well, you know what?
295
00:13:47,323 --> 00:13:48,955
If my brother wasn't such a douche
296
00:13:48,957 --> 00:13:49,990
and his psycho fiancee wasn't calling him
297
00:13:49,992 --> 00:13:50,991
every two minutes--
298
00:13:50,993 --> 00:13:54,061
- She's the best thing that
ever happened to your brother.
299
00:13:54,063 --> 00:13:57,664
Ow!
- I got it! I got it!
300
00:13:58,900 --> 00:14:01,702
What the hell?
301
00:14:01,704 --> 00:14:05,672
Excuse me!
Excuse me!
302
00:14:06,841 --> 00:14:08,475
What's--
what's going on here?
303
00:14:09,845 --> 00:14:13,413
Hannah!
Hannah!
304
00:14:14,615 --> 00:14:16,883
Oh, fuck me!
A jackhammer?
305
00:14:16,885 --> 00:14:18,652
Come--Hannah!
306
00:14:18,654 --> 00:14:23,056
You can always call me at home when there's a problem.
307
00:14:23,058 --> 00:14:24,991
Why do you think I was ranked number one gynecologist
308
00:14:24,993 --> 00:14:26,827
by city quest three years in a row?
309
00:14:26,829 --> 00:14:29,529
Just remember, no matter how much it might itch,
310
00:14:29,531 --> 00:14:30,731
I don't want you to scratch it.
311
00:14:30,733 --> 00:14:32,566
Okay, bye.
312
00:14:32,568 --> 00:14:36,503
Oh, hey, I didn't hear you sneak in.
313
00:14:36,505 --> 00:14:39,606
Oh, probably 'cause of the jackhammer that's outside.
314
00:14:39,608 --> 00:14:43,577
Fine. What the hell
is going on around here?
315
00:14:43,579 --> 00:14:44,878
They're starting construction on the baby's room.
316
00:14:44,880 --> 00:14:49,916
- Honey, I-I know that you want
to have a baby so bad,
317
00:14:49,918 --> 00:14:52,919
and so do I, in the future, but there is no baby
318
00:14:52,921 --> 00:14:54,888
to build a room for yet.
319
00:14:54,890 --> 00:14:56,823
There's not even--
not even a fetus
320
00:14:56,825 --> 00:14:58,158
to build a room for yet.
321
00:14:58,160 --> 00:14:59,926
But it can take up to 18 months
322
00:14:59,928 --> 00:15:02,763
to complete construction on the series six bpbc.
323
00:15:02,765 --> 00:15:05,832
- I'm sorry.
BPBC?
324
00:15:07,435 --> 00:15:09,703
- Baby protection bed chamber.
- Oh, God.
325
00:15:09,705 --> 00:15:12,739
- You enter here, through
the anti-bacterial wash chamber
326
00:15:12,741 --> 00:15:14,674
to disinfect and put on sterilized scrubs.
327
00:15:14,676 --> 00:15:16,943
Once inside, you'll be surrounded
328
00:15:16,945 --> 00:15:22,015
a six-inch-thick bullet and
germ-proof baby encasement unit,
329
00:15:22,017 --> 00:15:24,518
24-hour closed circuit
video surveillance,
330
00:15:24,520 --> 00:15:26,653
life-size parental control
reinforcements,
331
00:15:26,655 --> 00:15:28,755
Anthrax detector, radon detector,
332
00:15:28,757 --> 00:15:30,757
carbon monoxide detector, smoke detector,
333
00:15:30,759 --> 00:15:32,726
and faulty detector detector,
334
00:15:32,728 --> 00:15:34,594
and a panic room.
335
00:15:34,596 --> 00:15:35,595
- And--and--and what
is this?
336
00:15:35,597 --> 00:15:41,067
Just in case the panic room gets overrun by terrorists.
337
00:15:41,069 --> 00:15:43,737
- Terrorists?
- Terrorists.
338
00:15:45,007 --> 00:15:46,873
Well, thank God that's optional.
339
00:15:46,875 --> 00:15:49,776
Oh, I'll be exercising that option.
340
00:15:49,778 --> 00:15:52,813
- ♪ You're really gone again ♪
341
00:15:52,815 --> 00:15:56,450
♪ if you know what I mean ♪
342
00:15:56,452 --> 00:15:58,952
♪ we're two of... ♪
- ♪ We're two of a kind ♪
343
00:15:58,954 --> 00:16:02,022
♪ a kind ♪
344
00:16:07,229 --> 00:16:09,463
Working on a dream.
345
00:16:10,566 --> 00:16:12,466
And then it hit me
346
00:16:12,468 --> 00:16:14,634
harder than Dale earnhardt hitting that wall,
347
00:16:14,636 --> 00:16:15,802
rest in peace.
348
00:16:15,804 --> 00:16:19,506
I needed to find another puta.
349
00:16:19,508 --> 00:16:21,174
A Jewish puta.
350
00:16:21,176 --> 00:16:22,509
How you Doin'?
351
00:16:23,846 --> 00:16:26,079
Hey, I'm Christian.
352
00:16:28,216 --> 00:16:29,983
Hey, you remember when Cheney
353
00:16:29,985 --> 00:16:32,486
shotgunned that old guy in the face back in '06?
354
00:16:32,488 --> 00:16:35,255
I mean, I felt bad for him, didn't you?
355
00:16:35,257 --> 00:16:37,691
Hey, so you been a Jew your whole life?
356
00:16:37,693 --> 00:16:40,494
Damn, a lot of hot Jew pussy in here.
357
00:16:40,496 --> 00:16:42,095
Hey, am I right?
358
00:16:42,097 --> 00:16:45,565
No, bad. Bad, bad, bad, bad.
359
00:16:51,240 --> 00:16:52,873
That is a very nice getup.
360
00:16:52,875 --> 00:16:54,608
Where did you get that stuff?
361
00:16:54,610 --> 00:16:55,876
Thanks. I'm glad
you're having a good time.
362
00:16:55,878 --> 00:16:58,778
It's mine.
363
00:16:58,780 --> 00:16:59,779
You like it?
364
00:16:59,781 --> 00:17:00,947
It's hysterical.
365
00:17:00,949 --> 00:17:05,185
About the whole thing.
366
00:17:05,187 --> 00:17:07,954
So how did it go in there?
367
00:17:07,956 --> 00:17:09,723
Bad.
368
00:17:09,725 --> 00:17:10,724
I don't think the girls around here
369
00:17:10,726 --> 00:17:11,725
like a guy like me.
370
00:17:11,727 --> 00:17:12,859
Well, that's crazy.
371
00:17:12,861 --> 00:17:13,860
I mean, what girl here
372
00:17:13,862 --> 00:17:17,030
with a whacked-out
sense of humor?
373
00:17:17,032 --> 00:17:18,532
So you, uh,
374
00:17:18,534 --> 00:17:21,568
Only the ones that my mother organizes.
375
00:17:21,570 --> 00:17:23,203
Your mother.
376
00:17:23,205 --> 00:17:24,804
She organized this?
377
00:17:24,806 --> 00:17:26,139
Yeah, and if I didn't show up,
378
00:17:26,141 --> 00:17:27,140
I would never hear the end of it.
379
00:17:27,142 --> 00:17:29,276
Yeah, I know how that is.
380
00:17:29,278 --> 00:17:33,113
You should take my number.
381
00:17:33,115 --> 00:17:34,915
For what?
382
00:17:34,917 --> 00:17:36,883
To call me.
383
00:17:36,885 --> 00:17:39,119
Okay. Yeah, okay.
384
00:17:39,121 --> 00:17:40,687
Five missed calls.
385
00:17:40,689 --> 00:17:44,324
- Oh, who's your provider?
- Pin mobile.
386
00:17:44,326 --> 00:17:46,226
Well, that's your problem right there.
387
00:17:46,228 --> 00:17:47,928
Pin mobile has the least amount
of coverage in L.A. county
388
00:17:47,930 --> 00:17:51,731
You should switch to AT&T Nation 900
389
00:17:51,733 --> 00:17:53,700
with unlimited mobile to mobile.
390
00:17:53,702 --> 00:17:55,569
Thanks.
391
00:17:55,571 --> 00:17:56,736
Alison.
392
00:17:56,738 --> 00:17:58,338
Alison marks.
393
00:17:58,340 --> 00:18:00,674
And you are?
394
00:18:01,342 --> 00:18:03,944
- Ro--Rosenberg.
395
00:18:03,946 --> 00:18:06,279
Avi Rosenberg.
396
00:18:06,281 --> 00:18:08,848
Man, you do not look Jewish.
397
00:18:08,850 --> 00:18:11,618
- Really? I--you know,
I have gotten that.
398
00:18:12,620 --> 00:18:14,788
I'm gonna head back in.
399
00:18:15,957 --> 00:18:19,259
Okay.
400
00:18:19,261 --> 00:18:20,794
Avi.
401
00:18:20,796 --> 00:18:21,962
Rosenberg.
402
00:18:21,964 --> 00:18:23,129
I'm gonna head back in.
403
00:18:23,131 --> 00:18:25,899
Okay.
404
00:18:25,901 --> 00:18:27,601
Bye.
405
00:18:30,204 --> 00:18:32,806
Are you fucking loco, boss?
406
00:18:32,808 --> 00:18:35,709
You no Jew!
- I know I'm not a Jew.
407
00:18:35,711 --> 00:18:37,611
She's just like Rebecca.
- Ay, dios mio!
408
00:18:37,613 --> 00:18:39,245
Listen, I don't know why I said it!
409
00:18:39,247 --> 00:18:42,616
Well, maybe you should just tell her the truth.
410
00:18:42,618 --> 00:18:45,318
I'm not gonna tell her the truth,
411
00:18:45,320 --> 00:18:47,020
'cause then she's never gonna date me.
412
00:18:47,022 --> 00:18:48,288
I'm just gonna keep telling her I'm a Jew
413
00:18:48,290 --> 00:18:52,993
Juan, I don't care how big her tits are!
414
00:18:52,995 --> 00:18:54,361
But, I mean, they're pretty good.
415
00:18:54,363 --> 00:18:57,263
Just because you say you're a Jew does not make you one!
416
00:18:57,265 --> 00:19:01,101
I don't know what I was thinking!
417
00:19:01,103 --> 00:19:02,836
Hey, you know, boss,
418
00:19:02,838 --> 00:19:04,838
Jesus was a Jew.
419
00:19:04,840 --> 00:19:07,240
Why don't you just tell her you're Jesus?
420
00:19:07,242 --> 00:19:10,110
Huh? De nada.
421
00:19:10,112 --> 00:19:12,045
Come on down to the embroidery palace.
422
00:19:12,047 --> 00:19:14,347
Where our royal family has provided
423
00:19:14,349 --> 00:19:18,852
the highest quality custom embroidery for 50 years.
424
00:19:18,854 --> 00:19:20,420
Adam lipschitz!
425
00:19:20,422 --> 00:19:22,122
This had to be a sign.
426
00:19:22,124 --> 00:19:26,660
No Booty too big, no Booty too small,
427
00:19:26,662 --> 00:19:29,229
because here at embroidery palace,
428
00:19:29,231 --> 00:19:31,231
we embroider it all!
429
00:19:31,233 --> 00:19:34,100
A Jewish sign!
430
00:19:34,102 --> 00:19:36,136
- All right.
431
00:19:36,138 --> 00:19:39,406
I want everybody to close your eyes
432
00:19:39,408 --> 00:19:42,742
and forget everything you think you know
433
00:19:42,744 --> 00:19:44,210
about embroidery,
434
00:19:44,212 --> 00:19:46,312
because starting next Tuesday,
435
00:19:46,314 --> 00:19:49,382
the embroidery palace will be in possession
436
00:19:49,384 --> 00:19:52,052
of this bad boy!
437
00:19:52,054 --> 00:19:56,423
Behold the mauter evolution
30-70!
438
00:19:58,893 --> 00:20:02,295
Okay. On to
the next piece of business,
439
00:20:02,297 --> 00:20:05,298
which is our monthly corporate account review.
440
00:20:05,300 --> 00:20:06,900
Jillie Bean, can you pass out
441
00:20:09,371 --> 00:20:11,738
Now, as you all know,
442
00:20:11,740 --> 00:20:13,206
the handlebar coffee company
443
00:20:13,208 --> 00:20:15,809
has been our largest corporate client
444
00:20:15,811 --> 00:20:17,177
for the past ten--
445
00:20:17,179 --> 00:20:18,445
Years.
446
00:20:19,881 --> 00:20:21,481
They notified me this morning
447
00:20:21,483 --> 00:20:25,151
they will be taking their business elsewhere
448
00:20:25,153 --> 00:20:27,287
due to this.
449
00:20:28,290 --> 00:20:31,958
Do you have any idea how this could have happened?
450
00:20:31,960 --> 00:20:34,427
One sec, dad.
451
00:20:34,429 --> 00:20:35,462
- Adam!
- What?
452
00:20:35,464 --> 00:20:39,032
Oh, my God!
Oh, God.
453
00:20:39,034 --> 00:20:42,936
I "cun't" --I can't believe
that I did that.
454
00:20:42,938 --> 00:20:45,205
But I'm under a lot of pressure
with this whole wedding thing!
455
00:20:45,207 --> 00:20:47,974
I got--I got Hannah nagging me
about brunch tomorrow.
456
00:20:47,976 --> 00:20:51,411
It's--I must have forgotten
to double-check the sample.
457
00:20:51,413 --> 00:20:53,246
You should fire the prince, dad.
458
00:20:53,248 --> 00:20:56,149
Oh, I'd like to chop off the prince's head,
459
00:20:56,151 --> 00:20:58,918
but then there'd be nobody to ascend the throne!
460
00:20:58,920 --> 00:21:00,787
Paging prince Adam.
461
00:21:00,789 --> 00:21:03,056
There's a Mr. Christian
O'Connell here to see you.
462
00:21:03,058 --> 00:21:05,492
Christian O'Connell?
463
00:21:05,494 --> 00:21:07,460
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Come back here.
464
00:21:07,462 --> 00:21:08,862
What--what's the big deal?
465
00:21:08,864 --> 00:21:13,099
- You--you tell some girl
your name is Avi Rosenberg
466
00:21:13,101 --> 00:21:16,503
and then you show up after 17
years so that--that I can
467
00:21:16,505 --> 00:21:18,505
teach you how to be a Jew so you can dupe her?
468
00:21:18,507 --> 00:21:21,541
Listen, I've been dumped by a Jew before.
469
00:21:21,543 --> 00:21:22,909
I'm not letting it happen again.
470
00:21:22,911 --> 00:21:23,910
It's not pretty, man.
471
00:21:23,912 --> 00:21:25,445
All right, why me?
472
00:21:25,447 --> 00:21:30,350
You gotta teach me how to pass myself off
473
00:21:30,352 --> 00:21:31,384
as one of you guys.
474
00:21:31,386 --> 00:21:36,856
Another decision for as long as I live.
475
00:21:36,858 --> 00:21:40,226
Wow. That's mildly offensive,
you know that?
476
00:21:40,228 --> 00:21:42,128
Yes, but true.
477
00:21:42,130 --> 00:21:45,465
Tell her the truth and then convert for her.
478
00:21:45,467 --> 00:21:47,467
- No. No, no, no, no. No.
Listen to me.
479
00:21:47,469 --> 00:21:49,903
Alison marks is not gonna settle for imitation Jew.
480
00:21:49,905 --> 00:21:52,005
She can have the real deal.
Now, come on, Adam.
481
00:21:52,007 --> 00:21:53,439
Just help me.
- I'm sorry.
482
00:21:53,441 --> 00:21:55,575
Did you say her name was Alison marks?
483
00:21:55,577 --> 00:21:57,076
- Yeah, Alison marks.
Why?
484
00:21:57,078 --> 00:21:58,077
I went to Sunday school
485
00:21:58,079 --> 00:21:59,979
with an Alison marks.
486
00:21:59,981 --> 00:22:01,915
Okay.
487
00:22:01,917 --> 00:22:04,083
- Did--did she tell you
what her family did?
488
00:22:04,085 --> 00:22:07,320
Her family? Her mother, uh,
organized the mixer.
489
00:22:07,322 --> 00:22:09,556
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
You know them, don't you?
490
00:22:09,558 --> 00:22:12,525
Do you know them?
- Yeah, you could say that.
491
00:22:12,527 --> 00:22:15,028
- What?
- Oh! Oh, I know, I know.
492
00:22:15,030 --> 00:22:18,331
Chris, this is, uh, you know,
493
00:22:18,333 --> 00:22:23,603
are--are--are seeing
what I'm doing here,
494
00:22:23,605 --> 00:22:26,406
but I-I got a lot
of shit going on right now,
495
00:22:26,408 --> 00:22:29,275
and my--sort of, my world's
flipped upside down
496
00:22:29,277 --> 00:22:32,512
and--and--and--and we're
looking for preschools.
497
00:22:32,514 --> 00:22:37,317
Wait a minute. You didn't
tell me you had a baby.
498
00:22:37,319 --> 00:22:39,853
- Yeah. I-I don't.
- Oh.
499
00:22:39,855 --> 00:22:41,254
- It's complicated.
- Sounds it.
500
00:22:41,256 --> 00:22:43,289
Chris, I don't think I'm the guy
501
00:22:43,291 --> 00:22:44,891
for this adventure.
502
00:22:44,893 --> 00:22:47,293
Okay.
503
00:22:47,295 --> 00:22:48,862
I understand.
504
00:22:48,864 --> 00:22:49,963
Yeah.
505
00:22:49,965 --> 00:22:50,964
Well, um, you know,
506
00:22:50,966 --> 00:22:53,266
I'm glad I tracked you down.
507
00:22:53,268 --> 00:22:55,034
No, it's great to see you.
508
00:22:55,036 --> 00:22:56,102
- So, maybe we'll--
we'll do some lunch,
509
00:22:56,104 --> 00:22:57,871
uh, we'll catch up.
510
00:22:57,873 --> 00:22:59,505
- I would love to do some lunch.
Yeah, that'd be fun.
511
00:22:59,507 --> 00:23:01,441
I'm gonna be up on my parents' ranch for the weekend,
512
00:23:01,443 --> 00:23:05,545
- maybe we'll get a, uh--
- Well, here.
513
00:23:05,547 --> 00:23:06,946
- Coffee.
- Uh, take this.
514
00:23:06,948 --> 00:23:08,414
Embroidery palace.
515
00:23:08,416 --> 00:23:11,384
- It's a nice yellow.
Yeah.
516
00:23:11,386 --> 00:23:13,519
Awesome.
517
00:23:16,323 --> 00:23:18,958
Don't take this the wrong way, Hannah,
518
00:23:18,960 --> 00:23:21,261
but what led you to diagnose it as vaginitis?
519
00:23:21,263 --> 00:23:23,429
Well, dad, she was experiencing itching,
520
00:23:23,431 --> 00:23:26,165
irritation, abnormal discharge,
and pain during intercourse--
521
00:23:26,167 --> 00:23:29,636
- Yes, those are the basic symptoms to vaginitis.
522
00:23:29,638 --> 00:23:32,405
They could indicate vulvitis?
523
00:23:32,407 --> 00:23:33,973
Yes, dad, but I ruled out vulvitis
524
00:23:33,975 --> 00:23:35,275
because her vulva was not enflamed.
525
00:23:35,277 --> 00:23:37,043
No need to get defensive, sweetie.
526
00:23:37,045 --> 00:23:39,045
You're probably right with your diagnosis.
527
00:23:39,047 --> 00:23:42,115
I once diagnosed a patient with vaginitis
528
00:23:42,117 --> 00:23:45,184
- You know what?
It might have even been
529
00:23:45,186 --> 00:23:46,619
bacterial vaginosis.
530
00:23:46,621 --> 00:23:51,024
In my 25 years of practice,
531
00:23:51,026 --> 00:23:52,692
I have seen many cases of vaginosis
532
00:23:52,694 --> 00:23:54,360
with no gray discharge.
533
00:23:54,362 --> 00:23:58,531
We've been doing this a few more years than you,
534
00:23:58,533 --> 00:24:02,068
distinguish between vaginosis, vaginitis, or vulvitis.
535
00:24:02,070 --> 00:24:04,704
- Lox, honey?
- Cottage cheese?
536
00:24:04,706 --> 00:24:07,307
- Okay, excuse me.
I'm just gonna...
537
00:24:07,309 --> 00:24:11,044
Use the bathroom.
I'll--I'll be back.
538
00:24:18,552 --> 00:24:20,620
- Hold it.
Bets...
539
00:24:20,622 --> 00:24:25,191
Why don't you and the ladies hand out some eggnog?
540
00:24:25,193 --> 00:24:27,460
All right.
541
00:24:27,462 --> 00:24:29,028
Thanks, mom.
542
00:24:29,030 --> 00:24:32,665
- Nog, baby?
- Second that.
543
00:24:32,667 --> 00:24:35,034
Oh, mama, that is some good nog.
544
00:24:35,036 --> 00:24:37,303
Son, why is it that you haven't found yourself
545
00:24:37,305 --> 00:24:39,072
a good woman yet? Huh?
546
00:24:39,074 --> 00:24:41,307
Someone to take care of you...
Serve you nog.
547
00:24:41,309 --> 00:24:44,243
- Maybe it's 'cause Christian's
a homo-sexu-wahl!
548
00:24:44,245 --> 00:24:46,112
All right, you stop bullying your brother.
549
00:24:46,114 --> 00:24:49,182
He will find himself a girl...
- That's right.
550
00:24:49,184 --> 00:24:50,283
Or whatever, when he's good and ready?
551
00:24:50,285 --> 00:24:53,152
- I'm ready to bag me
a 10-pointer,
552
00:24:53,154 --> 00:24:54,654
and I'm gonna skin him, gut him,
553
00:24:54,656 --> 00:24:57,090
and pull out his rectum.
- The hell you are!
554
00:24:57,092 --> 00:24:59,659
I'm pulling out the rectum, ass tar!
555
00:24:59,661 --> 00:25:02,729
He always pulls out the rectums.
556
00:25:02,731 --> 00:25:04,597
- You make
a circular incision and--
557
00:25:04,599 --> 00:25:06,666
Clayton, Chuck!
Over here now!
558
00:25:06,668 --> 00:25:08,234
Hurry up, there's come rectum over there.
559
00:25:08,236 --> 00:25:10,436
- You two take a knee.
560
00:25:10,438 --> 00:25:13,106
Why do you always have to fight over
561
00:25:13,108 --> 00:25:15,174
who's gonna pull the rectum?
562
00:25:15,176 --> 00:25:19,012
You know, that's not what hunting is all about.
563
00:25:19,014 --> 00:25:21,180
Hunting is about the family.
564
00:25:21,182 --> 00:25:23,282
It's about teamwork.
565
00:25:23,284 --> 00:25:25,518
It's about finding peace.
566
00:25:25,520 --> 00:25:27,620
- Hello?
567
00:25:27,622 --> 00:25:29,489
That night, when we were T.P.Ing Tim Baker's house,
568
00:25:29,491 --> 00:25:32,458
and I had one of my attacks, and I tripped and I fell,
569
00:25:32,460 --> 00:25:35,395
you could have left me there
570
00:25:35,397 --> 00:25:39,565
- So rude!
- Okay, one second.
571
00:25:39,567 --> 00:25:42,335
Just--
but you didn't...
572
00:25:42,337 --> 00:25:44,670
Because you were my best friend.
573
00:25:44,672 --> 00:25:48,274
And best friends are always there for each other.
574
00:25:48,276 --> 00:25:50,676
Moose!
575
00:25:50,678 --> 00:25:53,079
Yo!
- Fuck yeah!
576
00:25:53,081 --> 00:25:54,614
Beauty, ain't he?
577
00:25:54,616 --> 00:25:59,419
But they threw in the matte finish horn sheen package.
578
00:25:59,421 --> 00:26:02,088
Unh. Hey, do you like
where I put him?
579
00:26:02,090 --> 00:26:06,059
I could put him between the bass and the boar's ass.
580
00:26:06,061 --> 00:26:10,163
The plan was to remove all traces of gentile from Chris,
581
00:26:10,165 --> 00:26:13,266
which turned out to be a very big task.
582
00:26:13,268 --> 00:26:15,368
I don't get why I have to sell my truck.
583
00:26:15,370 --> 00:26:17,470
Because volvos are practical and they're safe,
584
00:26:17,472 --> 00:26:22,075
But I'm never gonna be able to fit my kill into a Volvo.
585
00:26:22,077 --> 00:26:23,709
That's why you're selling the moose head.
586
00:26:23,711 --> 00:26:25,211
All right, $200 it is.
587
00:26:25,213 --> 00:26:27,213
- Deal.
- All right.
588
00:26:27,215 --> 00:26:29,382
Take that with you.
No, let him take it.
589
00:26:29,384 --> 00:26:30,817
Chris, let him take it!
590
00:26:30,819 --> 00:26:32,218
- I'm giving it to him.
- No, you're not.
591
00:26:32,220 --> 00:26:34,253
You're holding on to it.
592
00:26:34,255 --> 00:26:37,757
- All right.
That's inappropriate.
593
00:26:37,759 --> 00:26:39,659
- No. Salmon!
- Stop it.
594
00:26:41,529 --> 00:26:43,429
So uh, you think I'm gonna be ready for tomorrow night?
595
00:26:43,431 --> 00:26:45,198
Ow, ow, ow.
596
00:26:45,200 --> 00:26:46,599
Yes, just do what I said, and you'll be fine.
597
00:26:46,601 --> 00:26:48,267
Tell me again why I'm doing this.
598
00:26:48,269 --> 00:26:50,269
Because the law states that you can't be buried
599
00:26:50,271 --> 00:26:52,305
in a Jewish cemetery if you've desecrated your body
600
00:26:52,307 --> 00:26:53,439
with tattoos, markings, or piercings.
601
00:26:53,441 --> 00:26:54,707
Well, that's stupid.
602
00:26:54,709 --> 00:26:56,409
You're dead already.
Who cares?
603
00:26:56,411 --> 00:26:59,278
Have you been taken care of down there?
604
00:26:59,280 --> 00:27:00,513
Down where?
605
00:27:00,515 --> 00:27:01,814
Have you been circumcised?
606
00:27:01,816 --> 00:27:02,815
Sorry.
- No.
607
00:27:02,817 --> 00:27:08,287
Besides, it's not that noticeable.
608
00:27:08,289 --> 00:27:10,123
- It is noticeable!
Mine looks normal,
609
00:27:10,125 --> 00:27:12,325
and yours looks like a--
like an anteater.
610
00:27:12,327 --> 00:27:14,527
Get that--
611
00:27:14,529 --> 00:27:16,395
get it off of there, man.
612
00:27:16,397 --> 00:27:18,898
Sorry.
- Sorry.
613
00:27:18,900 --> 00:27:21,234
If Chris was gonna stand a chance with Alison,
614
00:27:21,236 --> 00:27:23,503
he needed a crash course in the way of the Jew.
615
00:27:23,505 --> 00:27:26,172
Now, I'm your date, and I need you to give me
616
00:27:26,174 --> 00:27:28,508
seven yiddish words that you will casually slip
617
00:27:28,510 --> 00:27:29,675
into the conversation.
618
00:27:29,677 --> 00:27:31,878
- Go.
- Goyim.
619
00:27:31,880 --> 00:27:33,312
The second the waiter approaches,
620
00:27:33,314 --> 00:27:36,182
what do you do?
621
00:27:36,184 --> 00:27:38,618
Oh, uh, I'm feeling a bit of a draft.
622
00:27:38,620 --> 00:27:40,386
Would it be all right if we move to another table?
623
00:27:40,388 --> 00:27:41,721
Schvitz.
624
00:27:41,723 --> 00:27:42,788
Good. Now, you've
been relocated
625
00:27:42,790 --> 00:27:44,724
to the new table,
626
00:27:44,726 --> 00:27:48,461
and what do you do?
627
00:27:48,463 --> 00:27:50,563
Oh, could you please turn down that loud music?
628
00:27:50,565 --> 00:27:53,733
All right, now we're on to the ordering process.
629
00:27:53,735 --> 00:27:55,735
Now, you have to remember that as a Jew,
630
00:27:55,737 --> 00:27:57,837
you have to take something on the menu
631
00:27:57,839 --> 00:28:01,374
and alter it beyond all recognition.
632
00:28:01,376 --> 00:28:02,875
All right?
- Okay.
633
00:28:02,877 --> 00:28:08,447
To change that side salad to an entree,
634
00:28:08,449 --> 00:28:11,217
and would you mind throwing a little salmon in there?
635
00:28:11,219 --> 00:28:12,952
Nosh.
636
00:28:12,954 --> 00:28:14,954
Uh, can I have that on the side?
637
00:28:14,956 --> 00:28:16,722
Pupik.
- Dinner comes.
638
00:28:16,724 --> 00:28:19,725
The salad is exactly how you ordered it, right?
639
00:28:19,727 --> 00:28:24,363
- Right.
- Take one bite, and you--
640
00:28:24,365 --> 00:28:26,532
- send it back.
- Yes, you send that shit back!
641
00:28:26,534 --> 00:28:28,568
We never eat what we order.
642
00:28:28,570 --> 00:28:30,703
Ever, ever, ever.
- Ever!
643
00:28:30,705 --> 00:28:36,242
Let's take a walk with it then.
644
00:28:38,979 --> 00:28:40,246
- Hi.
- Hi.
645
00:28:40,248 --> 00:28:41,681
Nice Volvo.
646
00:28:41,683 --> 00:28:43,516
- Thanks.
I just got it.
647
00:28:43,518 --> 00:28:46,519
Volvos are the safest cars in the world,
648
00:28:46,521 --> 00:28:47,887
and they last forever.
649
00:28:47,889 --> 00:28:49,655
- Yeah.
- No nascar getup tonight?
650
00:28:49,657 --> 00:28:51,691
- Nascar?
Why?
651
00:28:51,693 --> 00:28:54,694
Uh, yeah, I was gonna wear it tonight,
652
00:28:54,696 --> 00:28:56,495
but, uh, the drycleaner has it.
653
00:28:56,497 --> 00:29:02,335
What you were thinking, so I made reservations
654
00:29:02,337 --> 00:29:04,003
for 7:00
near 1st and hope.
655
00:29:04,005 --> 00:29:06,505
It's near the music hall.
- Yeah, sure.
656
00:29:06,507 --> 00:29:10,443
But smokey Joe Jefferson is
playing at the fedora tonight,
657
00:29:10,445 --> 00:29:11,744
so I got us tickets.
658
00:29:11,746 --> 00:29:13,980
- That sounds great.
- Great.
659
00:29:13,982 --> 00:29:15,948
The music hall is on grand and figueroa.
660
00:29:15,950 --> 00:29:17,583
And I checked traffic.
The 101 is closed
661
00:29:17,585 --> 00:29:18,951
between barham and highland,
662
00:29:18,953 --> 00:29:23,923
to the 110 north and then get off on figueroa
663
00:29:23,925 --> 00:29:26,859
put on your seatbelt.
664
00:29:26,861 --> 00:29:30,396
So after I graduated from penn, I traveled everywhere.
665
00:29:30,398 --> 00:29:32,898
Started with southeast Asia, went to Thailand,
666
00:29:32,900 --> 00:29:35,801
I even lived in India for a month
667
00:29:35,803 --> 00:29:39,639
- Oh, I love that movie.
668
00:29:39,641 --> 00:29:41,374
- Sean Connery--
669
00:29:41,376 --> 00:29:44,810
Sean Connery is great in it.
670
00:29:44,812 --> 00:29:47,480
So then after I volunteered
671
00:29:47,482 --> 00:29:49,582
as an aids relief worker in the Sudan,
672
00:29:49,584 --> 00:29:51,517
I just felt like I needed to use my finance degree
673
00:29:51,519 --> 00:29:52,551
to help people
in third-world countries
674
00:29:52,553 --> 00:29:56,822
So that's how I started working for the idrf.
675
00:29:56,824 --> 00:29:59,592
- Wow.
- And what about you, Avi?
676
00:29:59,594 --> 00:30:01,360
What's it like to be a doctor?
677
00:30:01,362 --> 00:30:05,831
Oh, uh, well...
678
00:30:05,833 --> 00:30:07,566
Yeah, the hours are crazy,
679
00:30:07,568 --> 00:30:10,803
and I'm on call 24/7 for emergencies.
680
00:30:10,805 --> 00:30:13,572
And unfortunately, I have to deal
681
00:30:13,574 --> 00:30:16,609
with a lot of crap.
682
00:30:16,611 --> 00:30:18,377
But at the end of the day,
683
00:30:18,379 --> 00:30:20,680
like you, I love helping people
684
00:30:20,682 --> 00:30:22,448
when their plumbing gets backed up.
685
00:30:25,486 --> 00:30:27,086
Bonjour.
686
00:30:27,088 --> 00:30:31,023
I will be your server this evening.
687
00:30:31,025 --> 00:30:33,993
Uh, yes, Claude, I'm feeling a bit of a draft here.
688
00:30:33,995 --> 00:30:36,595
Do you mind if we move to another table?
689
00:30:36,597 --> 00:30:38,764
Hm.
690
00:30:38,766 --> 00:30:42,368
Ooh.
691
00:30:45,872 --> 00:30:49,075
Claude, would you mind turning down the loud music?
692
00:30:49,077 --> 00:30:51,410
And turning up the lights?
693
00:30:51,412 --> 00:30:52,912
It's so dark in here, I don't think I'd be able
694
00:30:52,914 --> 00:30:56,515
It would be my pleasure, sir.
695
00:30:56,517 --> 00:30:59,752
But in the meantime, let me tell you about our specials.
696
00:30:59,754 --> 00:31:02,822
For appetizer, we have a scrumptious salad
697
00:31:02,824 --> 00:31:05,391
with gorgonzola, candied walnuts, pears,
698
00:31:05,393 --> 00:31:08,361
Cranberries, and a honey dijon vinaigrette.
699
00:31:08,363 --> 00:31:10,830
To die for.
700
00:31:10,832 --> 00:31:15,067
Would it be possible to change that appetizer salad
701
00:31:15,069 --> 00:31:19,972
And could you substitute feta for gorgonzola,
702
00:31:19,974 --> 00:31:23,809
pecans instead of walnuts, apples instead of pears,
703
00:31:23,811 --> 00:31:26,479
and Cranberries instead of raisins?
704
00:31:26,481 --> 00:31:32,485
And the honey dijon
vinaigrette--
705
00:31:32,487 --> 00:31:33,686
can you put it on the side, please?
706
00:31:33,688 --> 00:31:35,454
Anything else, sir?
707
00:31:35,456 --> 00:31:37,623
Yes, and I hope this isn't too much trouble,
708
00:31:37,625 --> 00:31:41,961
but would you mind throwing a little salmon in there?
709
00:31:41,963 --> 00:31:45,164
- And for madame?
- That sounds great, Avi.
710
00:31:45,166 --> 00:31:47,867
I'll have the same thing.
711
00:31:47,869 --> 00:31:50,736
Of course.
712
00:31:50,738 --> 00:31:52,838
Thanks, mensch.
713
00:31:52,840 --> 00:31:56,575
So did you always want to be a doctor?
714
00:31:56,577 --> 00:31:59,779
You know, I mean, being Jewish,
715
00:31:59,781 --> 00:32:03,816
Become a doctor, become a lawyer.
716
00:32:03,818 --> 00:32:06,419
Become a banker and manipulate the economy.
717
00:32:06,421 --> 00:32:08,587
Go into publishing, manipulate the media.
718
00:32:08,589 --> 00:32:11,957
God, you are too much.
719
00:32:11,959 --> 00:32:16,128
- You're so cute.
Turn your head for a second.
720
00:32:16,130 --> 00:32:18,097
Did you get a nose job?
- No.
721
00:32:18,099 --> 00:32:20,966
- Are you kidding me?
That's your real nose?
722
00:32:20,968 --> 00:32:23,602
That's the hottest little Jew beak ever.
723
00:32:26,006 --> 00:32:29,008
And for mademoiselle.
724
00:32:29,010 --> 00:32:32,478
- Mmm.
That looks good.
725
00:32:34,047 --> 00:32:36,816
And for monsieur.
726
00:32:36,818 --> 00:32:38,984
Thank you, Claude.
727
00:32:38,986 --> 00:32:41,854
This looks really good.
728
00:32:41,856 --> 00:32:43,589
Mmm.
729
00:32:43,591 --> 00:32:46,158
Oh.
730
00:32:46,160 --> 00:32:47,693
No.
731
00:32:47,695 --> 00:32:48,894
Oh, I got--
I'm--I'm sorry.
732
00:32:48,896 --> 00:32:52,531
No, no, no.
Here you go.
733
00:32:52,533 --> 00:32:57,002
Thanks, mensch.
734
00:32:57,004 --> 00:32:59,638
And did they turn up the heat in here or what?
735
00:32:59,640 --> 00:33:03,008
I am starting to schvitz.
736
00:33:03,010 --> 00:33:07,480
Yeah, we should probably go
if we're gonna make it on time.
737
00:33:07,482 --> 00:33:09,081
Oh, yeah, I can't wait.
738
00:33:09,083 --> 00:33:10,983
Let me take a look at this check here.
739
00:33:10,985 --> 00:33:13,686
Oh.
Okay, well,
740
00:33:13,688 --> 00:33:15,654
let me just get Claude over here for a second,
741
00:33:15,656 --> 00:33:18,924
see if I can't Jew him down on the check.
742
00:33:29,103 --> 00:33:31,203
Hey, are you all right?
743
00:33:31,205 --> 00:33:32,872
You seem a little, you know, quiet.
744
00:33:32,874 --> 00:33:35,841
- No, I'm fine.
- Yeah?
745
00:33:37,844 --> 00:33:39,144
You know, Alison, I, um...
746
00:33:39,146 --> 00:33:41,881
I mean, I shouldn't even
be saying this--
747
00:33:41,883 --> 00:33:44,717
it's our first date, but...
748
00:33:44,719 --> 00:33:47,019
I really like you.
749
00:33:47,021 --> 00:33:50,856
You know, so if I seem weird
or awkward or--
750
00:33:50,858 --> 00:33:54,793
that's why.
I just--I just hope
751
00:33:54,795 --> 00:33:57,930
that this is the first date of many more to come.
752
00:34:05,006 --> 00:34:06,972
Oh, damn.
753
00:34:06,974 --> 00:34:10,910
Nobody plays jazz better than the shvartzes!
754
00:34:13,581 --> 00:34:15,180
L'Chaim!
755
00:34:23,223 --> 00:34:24,857
Okay...
756
00:34:25,960 --> 00:34:28,761
Aah! Uhh!
Come on.
757
00:34:28,763 --> 00:34:31,063
- Hurry up!
- Okay.
758
00:34:31,065 --> 00:34:33,999
What's taking so long?
759
00:34:34,001 --> 00:34:35,634
Sorry, sorry.
760
00:34:35,636 --> 00:34:38,704
I am all manscaped.
- Mm.
761
00:34:38,706 --> 00:34:41,340
Trimmed to 1/8 of an inch, just how you like it.
762
00:34:41,342 --> 00:34:43,943
Like a prepubescent boy down there.
763
00:34:43,945 --> 00:34:48,614
It's so exciting.
Oh... Okay...
764
00:34:48,616 --> 00:34:50,883
Love you.
Good night.
765
00:34:52,920 --> 00:34:56,155
Are we gonna try and make a baby?
766
00:34:56,157 --> 00:34:58,857
It's just I've had such a long day at work,
767
00:34:58,859 --> 00:35:01,160
and do you mind if we just, you know,
768
00:35:01,162 --> 00:35:02,695
skip the baby-making?
769
00:35:02,697 --> 00:35:05,998
It's my most fertile time of the month.
770
00:35:06,000 --> 00:35:08,033
- Okay...
- Now make me a baby.
771
00:35:08,035 --> 00:35:11,003
Right. Guess I could find
some energy.
772
00:35:11,005 --> 00:35:12,972
Ooh.
773
00:35:12,974 --> 00:35:14,340
- Why aren't you hard?
What?
774
00:35:14,342 --> 00:35:16,141
It was, like, three seconds.
775
00:35:16,143 --> 00:35:18,210
- Do you want my hair down?
- No, babe, it's not--
776
00:35:18,212 --> 00:35:21,647
it's not you, it's me.
It's him!
777
00:35:21,649 --> 00:35:24,283
I mean, we had sex last night and this morning
778
00:35:24,285 --> 00:35:26,118
and on your lunch break.
779
00:35:26,120 --> 00:35:27,753
I can't believe I'm gonna say this
780
00:35:27,755 --> 00:35:32,024
but I think that I'm sexed out.
781
00:35:32,026 --> 00:35:34,760
What? What?
782
00:35:36,029 --> 00:35:37,763
You think it's ugly.
783
00:35:37,765 --> 00:35:39,098
- I--I think what's ugly?
784
00:35:39,100 --> 00:35:41,367
- It's okay.
It's fine.
785
00:35:41,369 --> 00:35:43,869
I see 100 of 'em a day.
I know it's ugly.
786
00:35:43,871 --> 00:35:47,006
- Oh, no, no, I think--
no, I don't think
787
00:35:47,008 --> 00:35:48,874
that it's ugly at all.
788
00:35:48,876 --> 00:35:52,711
I think it's beautiful.
789
00:35:52,713 --> 00:35:54,813
Then why don't you ever go down on me?
790
00:35:54,815 --> 00:35:59,018
- Because I--I can't
get you pregnant like that.
791
00:35:59,020 --> 00:36:00,419
Oh, now you're just making excuses!
792
00:36:00,421 --> 00:36:02,121
- I am not.
Okay, fine.
793
00:36:02,123 --> 00:36:03,255
You want me to go down on you?
794
00:36:03,257 --> 00:36:06,025
I'm happy to go down on you.
- Good.
795
00:36:06,027 --> 00:36:07,693
It's part of my manly duty.
796
00:36:07,695 --> 00:36:12,131
Mmm, yummy! I want it.
797
00:36:12,133 --> 00:36:13,766
Here we go!
- Go!
798
00:36:13,768 --> 00:36:17,036
- It's gonna happen
- Come on.
799
00:36:17,038 --> 00:36:18,404
Oh, my God!
- What?
800
00:36:18,406 --> 00:36:20,105
- I knew it!
- What's wrong?
801
00:36:20,107 --> 00:36:23,842
I was gonna make a baby with my mouth.
802
00:36:23,844 --> 00:36:26,812
- Oh!
- What happened?
803
00:36:26,814 --> 00:36:29,348
You turned off the light!
804
00:36:29,350 --> 00:36:32,251
- I--well, it was bright
in here.
805
00:36:32,253 --> 00:36:34,086
And we were going to bed.
806
00:36:34,088 --> 00:36:35,921
Aw, come on.
I'm sorry.
807
00:36:35,923 --> 00:36:39,825
Oh, leave me and my ugly vagina alone!
808
00:36:39,827 --> 00:36:41,860
- Open the door.
809
00:36:41,862 --> 00:36:44,063
Honey...
810
00:36:44,065 --> 00:36:47,399
Oh, my God... It's ugly.
811
00:36:47,401 --> 00:36:49,968
It's not your vagina.
812
00:36:49,970 --> 00:36:51,870
It's all vaginas.
813
00:36:51,872 --> 00:36:55,874
What side of the family is this from?
814
00:36:55,876 --> 00:36:57,710
Hey, you've reached Alison marks.
815
00:36:57,712 --> 00:36:59,411
You know what to do, so do it.
816
00:36:59,413 --> 00:37:02,081
- Hey, Alison, it's Avi here.
817
00:37:02,083 --> 00:37:03,415
Just wanted to tell you I had a great time
818
00:37:03,417 --> 00:37:04,883
with you last night,
819
00:37:04,885 --> 00:37:06,852
and I can't wait to do it again.
820
00:37:06,854 --> 00:37:09,455
So... You got the number.
821
00:37:09,457 --> 00:37:12,725
Call me.
Bye.
822
00:37:14,929 --> 00:37:17,329
You know what to do. Do it.
823
00:37:17,331 --> 00:37:19,431
Hey, Alison,
824
00:37:19,433 --> 00:37:22,034
where's my jap at?
Where's my jap?
825
00:37:22,036 --> 00:37:23,869
Avi here.
826
00:37:23,871 --> 00:37:25,871
Didn't hear back from you yesterday.
827
00:37:25,873 --> 00:37:27,773
But I'm sure you were just busy.
828
00:37:27,775 --> 00:37:31,410
Me too. Long day of surgery
at the hospital.
829
00:37:31,412 --> 00:37:33,312
So driving home now.
830
00:37:33,314 --> 00:37:36,215
Thought I'd double up, give you a call.
831
00:37:36,217 --> 00:37:40,052
So you got the number.
Call me back.
832
00:37:40,054 --> 00:37:41,787
Buh-bye.
833
00:37:43,957 --> 00:37:45,858
- You know what to do, so do it.
834
00:37:45,860 --> 00:37:49,128
Hey, Alison, it's Avi.
835
00:37:49,130 --> 00:37:51,530
I don't know why you're not calling me back.
836
00:37:51,532 --> 00:37:54,032
I thought we had a really great time the other night.
837
00:37:54,034 --> 00:37:58,971
And, you know, I thought we had a real connection.
838
00:37:58,973 --> 00:38:00,906
- Boss! Boss!
- I was hoping that we--
839
00:38:00,908 --> 00:38:04,543
Me and Juan have been
at Mrs. wazinsky's all day!
840
00:38:04,545 --> 00:38:06,545
Boss, we can't get the shit out of her pipes!
841
00:38:06,547 --> 00:38:08,413
Yes. Si.
842
00:38:08,415 --> 00:38:10,082
Thank you, doctors Juan and ramone.
843
00:38:10,084 --> 00:38:12,985
I will be to surgery in just a second.
844
00:38:12,987 --> 00:38:18,891
Backed up in my life!
845
00:38:18,893 --> 00:38:21,860
- Avi?
- Alison, hi.
846
00:38:21,862 --> 00:38:24,129
Do you want me to get a restraining order?
847
00:38:24,131 --> 00:38:27,232
Stop calling me.
848
00:38:29,102 --> 00:38:33,839
Oh... Look at this one.
849
00:38:33,841 --> 00:38:35,374
Isn't it beautiful?
850
00:38:35,376 --> 00:38:38,177
- Oh, God!
A little warning, please?
851
00:38:38,179 --> 00:38:40,045
What is that, a before and after photo?
852
00:38:40,047 --> 00:38:42,815
- Yes. Isn't it amazing?
- No.
853
00:38:42,817 --> 00:38:44,116
It's hard to believe it's the same vagina.
854
00:38:44,118 --> 00:38:48,153
Which one's your favorite?
855
00:38:48,155 --> 00:38:49,955
I don't know.
856
00:38:49,957 --> 00:38:54,593
So come on, pick.
- Ooh, yeah.
857
00:38:54,595 --> 00:38:55,994
Do you like this one?
858
00:38:55,996 --> 00:38:59,464
Um... Maybe the, uh...
859
00:38:59,466 --> 00:39:02,034
"Pearblossom"?
860
00:39:02,036 --> 00:39:05,470
Or the... "Gentle tulip."
861
00:39:05,472 --> 00:39:09,541
You like the pearblossom?- Mm-Hmm.
862
00:39:09,543 --> 00:39:12,110
Well, that's the cheapest one.
863
00:39:12,112 --> 00:39:13,412
There's nothing to it.
864
00:39:13,414 --> 00:39:16,548
- Oh, hold on.
865
00:39:16,550 --> 00:39:20,152
Hello?
All right, relax, relax.
866
00:39:20,154 --> 00:39:22,221
What's going on?
867
00:39:22,223 --> 00:39:24,223
No, I can't meet you right now.
868
00:39:24,225 --> 00:39:28,160
I'm--I'm in the middle
of something.
869
00:39:28,162 --> 00:39:31,096
Relax and--
870
00:39:31,098 --> 00:39:33,332
you know what?
Yes, I can. Yes, I can.
871
00:39:33,334 --> 00:39:35,234
Okay, I'll meet you in 20 minutes.
872
00:39:35,236 --> 00:39:38,470
All right, babe. I'm so sorry.
I--I have to go.
873
00:39:38,472 --> 00:39:39,872
What do you mean you have to go?
874
00:39:39,874 --> 00:39:43,342
And I gotta go meet him.
- Who? What friend?
875
00:39:43,344 --> 00:39:45,110
- He's a friend
from grade school--I gotta go.
876
00:39:45,112 --> 00:39:46,612
- You can't leave.
- Why can't I leave?
877
00:39:46,614 --> 00:39:48,280
I don't know which one to get!
878
00:39:48,282 --> 00:39:49,948
Just get one of 'em! Right?
879
00:39:49,950 --> 00:39:51,516
I mean, like, it's not that big of a deal.
880
00:39:51,518 --> 00:39:53,886
- It's a big deal.
This is for you.
881
00:39:53,888 --> 00:39:55,354
- I understand.
It's not that hard.
882
00:39:55,356 --> 00:39:57,556
Just go through it.
The "gentle tulip."
883
00:39:57,558 --> 00:40:00,659
- "Calla Lily Breeze."
"LA petite canyon."
884
00:40:00,661 --> 00:40:02,895
Ooh, stay away
from "Venus flytrap."
885
00:40:02,897 --> 00:40:05,063
That looks like a--
like a limp starfish,
886
00:40:05,065 --> 00:40:06,431
and I don't want to be looking at that
887
00:40:06,433 --> 00:40:08,300
when I'm doing wonderful things to it.
888
00:40:08,302 --> 00:40:11,670
Okay.
Pick whatever you want.
889
00:40:11,672 --> 00:40:14,006
Any price.
Kisses.
890
00:40:14,008 --> 00:40:18,143
Oh... Looks like my mom's.
891
00:40:19,479 --> 00:40:22,147
Wait, wait, wait, she said,
"stop calling me?"
892
00:40:22,149 --> 00:40:24,983
I'm gonna get
a restraining order."
893
00:40:24,985 --> 00:40:26,151
It takes a special kind of woman
894
00:40:26,153 --> 00:40:28,120
to dance naked at 10:00 A.M.
895
00:40:28,122 --> 00:40:30,188
Give it up for crystal.
896
00:40:30,190 --> 00:40:32,958
Did you complain
there was a draft and ask--
897
00:40:32,960 --> 00:40:38,230
- And you took something on the menu
898
00:40:38,232 --> 00:40:43,335
I put salmon on it.
I sent it back.
899
00:40:43,337 --> 00:40:47,072
Jewel, Carla...
Lap dances.
900
00:40:47,074 --> 00:40:49,474
I did everything that you told me to do.
901
00:40:49,476 --> 00:40:55,280
My pupik was stuffed from the noshing,
902
00:40:55,282 --> 00:40:58,951
Then I told smokey Joe Jefferson nobody plays jazz
903
00:40:58,953 --> 00:41:00,485
better than the schvartzahs.
- What?
904
00:41:00,487 --> 00:41:02,254
You--you called him
a schvartzah?
905
00:41:02,256 --> 00:41:04,289
- Yeah, right to his face.
- No.
906
00:41:04,291 --> 00:41:06,224
- Wait, is that bad?
- Yeah, that's bad!
907
00:41:06,226 --> 00:41:08,226
- Why did you teach me that.
- Okay, I'm sorry.
908
00:41:08,228 --> 00:41:09,561
That's only
a Jew-to-Jew thing,
909
00:41:09,563 --> 00:41:15,033
that I'd ever met, and that she had
910
00:41:15,035 --> 00:41:17,035
the cutest little Jew beak I'd ever seen.
911
00:41:17,037 --> 00:41:18,737
And I asked the waiter if I could
912
00:41:18,739 --> 00:41:20,505
Jew him down on the check.
913
00:41:20,507 --> 00:41:27,412
- Yeah, but she knew that you
were joking--that's different.
914
00:41:27,414 --> 00:41:29,047
Jews don't talk to each other like that?
915
00:41:29,049 --> 00:41:30,515
No! No! We don't!
916
00:41:30,517 --> 00:41:32,250
- Oh...
- It's over.
917
00:41:32,252 --> 00:41:37,489
- I'm out.
- You are in.
918
00:41:37,491 --> 00:41:38,690
- Oh...
- Oh, you are in.
919
00:41:38,692 --> 00:41:42,260
Yes.
- Son of a bitch.
920
00:41:42,262 --> 00:41:45,664
- Marcy marks...
President of temple Beth Jacob
921
00:41:45,666 --> 00:41:49,267
wife of my rabbi, and Alison's mother.
922
00:41:52,171 --> 00:41:54,339
She was also the principal of my Hebrew school.
923
00:41:56,309 --> 00:41:58,443
From what I know, no man has ever
924
00:41:58,445 --> 00:42:00,278
been good enough for Alison.
925
00:42:00,280 --> 00:42:03,081
But if you can get that woman's seal of approval,
926
00:42:03,083 --> 00:42:05,550
you might have a second chance.
927
00:42:05,552 --> 00:42:07,219
I'll never forget that day I met her.
928
00:42:10,224 --> 00:42:12,424
Need some help?
929
00:42:14,527 --> 00:42:17,362
- You touch my daughter,
930
00:42:17,364 --> 00:42:19,164
and I'll wear your balls as earrings.
931
00:42:32,412 --> 00:42:35,113
Boom!
- Ow.
932
00:43:22,863 --> 00:43:25,330
They've got to be kidding me.
933
00:43:25,332 --> 00:43:27,365
Schlomy and I don't stand a chance.
934
00:43:27,367 --> 00:43:30,469
- Yes, yes.
- Thanks.
935
00:43:30,471 --> 00:43:34,473
I'm telling you the fleischmans are unbeatable.
936
00:43:34,475 --> 00:43:36,575
Yes. Good-bye.
937
00:43:36,577 --> 00:43:40,112
Oh, honey, have you tried this
caramel apple skim cappuccino?
938
00:43:40,114 --> 00:43:43,215
It is to die for.
939
00:43:43,217 --> 00:43:45,884
Fleisch... Man.
940
00:43:45,886 --> 00:43:49,354
Caramel apple skim cappuccinos.
941
00:43:49,356 --> 00:43:52,491
Ah.
942
00:43:52,493 --> 00:43:56,228
The earthquake was all the way in death valley.
943
00:43:56,230 --> 00:43:59,431
- What do you mean I sound sick?
I'm not sick.
944
00:43:59,433 --> 00:44:00,665
What do you mean I sound sick?
945
00:44:00,667 --> 00:44:03,802
Yes, if you send me multivitamins,
946
00:44:03,804 --> 00:44:05,403
I will take them.
- Good. Good.
947
00:44:05,405 --> 00:44:08,507
Every time we get off the phone with each other,
948
00:44:08,509 --> 00:44:10,442
we have to say
"I love you."
949
00:44:10,444 --> 00:44:12,310
You're kidding.
950
00:44:12,312 --> 00:44:15,480
- I love you, mom.
- Perfect.
951
00:44:15,482 --> 00:44:19,384
- Okay, bye.
Sorry, that was my mom.
952
00:44:19,386 --> 00:44:22,687
Dr. Avi Rosenberg,
may we please now continue
953
00:44:22,689 --> 00:44:26,191
with the interview?
- Oh, yes, please.
954
00:44:26,193 --> 00:44:29,728
Because I was just at handlebar coffee,
955
00:44:29,730 --> 00:44:31,463
and they screwed up my order.
956
00:44:31,465 --> 00:44:33,498
I like caramel apple cappuccino.
957
00:44:33,500 --> 00:44:35,800
They gave me a caramel apple skim cappuccino.
958
00:44:35,802 --> 00:44:37,702
- Hmm.
Sure, why not?
959
00:44:37,704 --> 00:44:39,504
Great.
960
00:44:39,506 --> 00:44:41,640
Okay, you are single, 31 years old,
961
00:44:41,642 --> 00:44:44,242
unmarried, no children.
Are you gay?
962
00:44:44,244 --> 00:44:47,512
Well, then why aren't you married?
963
00:44:47,514 --> 00:44:49,881
Oh, believe me, Mrs. marks
there is nothing
964
00:44:49,883 --> 00:44:51,650
that I would like more than to find
965
00:44:51,652 --> 00:44:53,418
a special young lady
966
00:44:53,420 --> 00:44:56,321
who shares my values and my beliefs.
967
00:44:56,323 --> 00:44:58,690
As a matter of fact, just a couple weeks ago,
968
00:44:58,692 --> 00:45:02,294
I met a wonderful girl.
We went out.
969
00:45:02,296 --> 00:45:03,862
We had a wonderful first date.
970
00:45:03,864 --> 00:45:05,897
I never heard from her again.
971
00:45:05,899 --> 00:45:07,532
Yes, well, finding that special someone
972
00:45:07,534 --> 00:45:09,801
is never easy, doctor.
973
00:45:09,803 --> 00:45:11,503
And especially for me.
974
00:45:11,505 --> 00:45:14,239
I just, you know, moved here from skokie,
975
00:45:14,241 --> 00:45:16,474
and I'm busy with my practice, of course,
976
00:45:16,476 --> 00:45:19,945
And volunteering for hadassah
like I do--
977
00:45:19,947 --> 00:45:22,681
I'm sorry. Excuse me.
Yes, mom?
978
00:45:22,683 --> 00:45:25,584
- Colonoscopy.
- Yes, I had my colonoscopy.
979
00:45:25,586 --> 00:45:28,887
- Fiber.
- I do get plenty of fiber.
980
00:45:28,889 --> 00:45:32,324
Mom, I'm sorry but I have to go, okay?
981
00:45:32,326 --> 00:45:35,360
I do. I love you.
982
00:45:35,362 --> 00:45:36,962
I love the way you wake up in the morning,
983
00:45:36,964 --> 00:45:40,832
And then the sunlight comes--
- Too much! Too much!
984
00:45:40,834 --> 00:45:42,968
- Okay, I'm gonna hang up.
Bye.
985
00:45:42,970 --> 00:45:47,372
I must say that I find this very unusual.
986
00:45:47,374 --> 00:45:49,441
That a young, attractive, single doctor
987
00:45:49,443 --> 00:45:51,443
would walk in here by himself
988
00:45:51,445 --> 00:45:53,345
wanting to join this temple.
989
00:45:53,347 --> 00:45:55,413
Now, why don't you tell me what is really going on?
990
00:45:55,415 --> 00:45:57,749
Mrs. marks, did you know
that in the last 20 years,
991
00:45:57,751 --> 00:45:59,784
the rate of inter-faith marriage
among our people
992
00:45:59,786 --> 00:46:01,586
has risen from 7% to 40%?
993
00:46:01,588 --> 00:46:03,722
According to the ajc, by the year 2050,
994
00:46:03,724 --> 00:46:06,024
our people are gonna be completely wiped out.
995
00:46:06,026 --> 00:46:07,959
Now, I'm just one man.
I can't stop it myself.
996
00:46:07,961 --> 00:46:10,262
But I'm not gonna sit here on the sidelines
997
00:46:10,264 --> 00:46:13,431
and watch it happen.
That's what's going on.
998
00:46:20,040 --> 00:46:23,441
All right, I'll be right there.
999
00:46:26,913 --> 00:46:28,947
All right, all right.
1000
00:46:28,949 --> 00:46:31,283
- So you're in.
- Oh, yeah, I'm in.
1001
00:46:31,285 --> 00:46:32,751
She's putty.
1002
00:46:32,753 --> 00:46:33,852
Still going down Saturday, right?
1003
00:46:33,854 --> 00:46:36,454
You master duplicate bridge yet?
1004
00:46:36,456 --> 00:46:38,657
And rubber.
1005
00:46:38,659 --> 00:46:40,925
That shit reeks.
You guys really eat that?
1006
00:46:40,927 --> 00:46:43,595
Gefilte fish is mandatory.
1007
00:46:43,597 --> 00:46:44,963
All right, I'm gonna put it in this drawer.
1008
00:46:44,965 --> 00:46:47,699
Don't take it out till Saturday.
1009
00:46:49,702 --> 00:46:51,936
Ugh.
1010
00:46:51,938 --> 00:46:53,805
So good to see you.
1011
00:46:53,807 --> 00:46:56,741
There's plenty of room over there.
1012
00:46:56,743 --> 00:46:58,710
You guys, I want you to keep eyes forward
1013
00:46:58,712 --> 00:47:01,479
and pay attention.
Understand?
1014
00:47:01,481 --> 00:47:03,748
- Marcy.
- Avi!
1015
00:47:03,750 --> 00:47:06,451
What a nice surprise.
1016
00:47:06,453 --> 00:47:07,652
- Surprise?
I'm a new member here.
1017
00:47:07,654 --> 00:47:13,758
That's a beautiful purse.
- Arianne tunney.
1018
00:47:13,760 --> 00:47:15,860
Winter, 2012.
- Really?
1019
00:47:15,862 --> 00:47:17,796
I coveted this bag, and I got it.
1020
00:47:17,798 --> 00:47:20,832
- There's something about this
1021
00:47:20,834 --> 00:47:23,468
that just--
- Wish me luck, lollypop.
1022
00:47:23,470 --> 00:47:25,804
Honey, honey, you are gonna need it.
1023
00:47:25,806 --> 00:47:27,706
Oh, today we have a double bar mitzvah.
1024
00:47:27,708 --> 00:47:29,974
- Oy.
- This is our newest member
1025
00:47:29,976 --> 00:47:31,009
I was telling you about, Avi.
1026
00:47:31,011 --> 00:47:36,981
Has Marcy warned you about our little penis club?
1027
00:47:36,983 --> 00:47:39,551
- Oh, no--
uh, penis club?
1028
00:47:39,553 --> 00:47:42,520
18 years ago, a boy named Adam lipschitz
1029
00:47:42,522 --> 00:47:44,522
had a panic attack during his bar mitzvah...
1030
00:47:44,524 --> 00:47:45,990
Dropped his trousers,
1031
00:47:45,992 --> 00:47:49,094
and exposed himself to the congregation.
1032
00:47:49,096 --> 00:47:51,596
- That's messed up.
- Oh, it is messed up, Avi.
1033
00:47:51,598 --> 00:47:54,065
What's even more messed up is that to this day,
1034
00:47:54,067 --> 00:47:56,735
Adam's lewd act has become the rite of passage
1035
00:47:56,737 --> 00:47:59,404
for every boy who's had his bar mitzvah at our temple.
1036
00:47:59,406 --> 00:48:03,608
In fact, there hasn't been a bar mitzvah boy since 1993
1037
00:48:03,610 --> 00:48:06,978
who hasn't shown his penis to the entire congregation.
1038
00:48:06,980 --> 00:48:09,080
I've tried everything.
They won't stop.
1039
00:48:09,082 --> 00:48:13,518
I've seen the penises of 459 young boys.
1040
00:48:13,520 --> 00:48:15,754
So unless you're really into schlongs, Avi,
1041
00:48:15,756 --> 00:48:18,423
this ain't the temple for you.
1042
00:48:18,425 --> 00:48:23,928
Avi, schlomy and I are so embarrassed that,
1043
00:48:23,930 --> 00:48:26,664
on your very first Saturday morning service with us,
1044
00:48:26,666 --> 00:48:29,501
you had to see... Genitals.
1045
00:48:29,503 --> 00:48:32,670
And we sincerely hope that the fact that our temple
1046
00:48:32,672 --> 00:48:34,906
has a penis club won't make you consider
1047
00:48:34,908 --> 00:48:36,141
joining elsewhere.
1048
00:48:36,143 --> 00:48:37,709
Not at all, not at all.
1049
00:48:37,711 --> 00:48:39,010
What was the name of the young man
1050
00:48:39,012 --> 00:48:40,111
who started it all?
Adam...
1051
00:48:40,113 --> 00:48:41,746
Lipschitz.
1052
00:48:41,748 --> 00:48:43,782
I hope I don't run into him.
1053
00:48:43,784 --> 00:48:45,150
- Yes, don't we all.
- I've seen enough.
1054
00:48:45,152 --> 00:48:49,421
Excuse me, rabbi, would you like some fish?
1055
00:48:49,423 --> 00:48:52,924
Oh, yes, thank you, uh, hyman.
1056
00:48:56,462 --> 00:48:57,962
- Thank you.
- Mm-Hmm.
1057
00:48:57,964 --> 00:49:01,065
- Oy!
Wow.
1058
00:49:01,067 --> 00:49:02,801
I have to say, our people have invented
1059
00:49:02,803 --> 00:49:04,936
a lot of lousy food, but gefilte fish
1060
00:49:04,938 --> 00:49:06,571
might be the worst.
1061
00:49:09,443 --> 00:49:12,210
My advice is to get it over with as quickly as possible.
1062
00:49:12,212 --> 00:49:13,845
Two bites.
1063
00:49:13,847 --> 00:49:16,214
Wham, bam... Done!
1064
00:49:16,216 --> 00:49:18,716
Ah. Ahh!
1065
00:49:22,589 --> 00:49:27,125
- Go away!
- Damn it, schlomo,
1066
00:49:27,127 --> 00:49:29,594
I am coming in there.
- No, you don't wanna see this!
1067
00:49:29,596 --> 00:49:31,830
It'll change you.
It changed me.
1068
00:49:31,832 --> 00:49:33,798
I'm shitting...
1069
00:49:33,800 --> 00:49:35,967
Oh, Marcy, I hate to do this to you, cupcake,
1070
00:49:35,969 --> 00:49:38,169
but I think I'm gonna have to bow out of the tournament.
1071
00:49:38,171 --> 00:49:40,572
- No! No!
No, no, no, schlomo.
1072
00:49:40,574 --> 00:49:41,906
You are not doing any such thing.
1073
00:49:41,908 --> 00:49:45,076
If we have to take some sort of slop bucket,
1074
00:49:45,078 --> 00:49:47,712
then so be it.
- I'm sorry, lollypop.
1075
00:49:47,714 --> 00:49:49,113
We'll just have to wait another year
1076
00:49:49,115 --> 00:49:51,249
to beat those damn fleischmans.
1077
00:49:51,251 --> 00:49:54,118
- Darn it.
What tournament?
1078
00:49:54,120 --> 00:49:56,221
What tournament?
1079
00:49:56,223 --> 00:49:58,256
It is the n.B.L.A. Regionals.
1080
00:49:58,258 --> 00:50:00,492
We are in the finals.
It starts in three hours.
1081
00:50:00,494 --> 00:50:02,126
- Oh.
- But... Well...
1082
00:50:02,128 --> 00:50:05,697
I guess that I won't be going this year.
1083
00:50:05,699 --> 00:50:07,832
- I play bridge.
1084
00:50:07,834 --> 00:50:10,935
Dear God, all I do is help you!
1085
00:50:10,937 --> 00:50:14,272
I want to thank all of you for taking part
1086
00:50:14,274 --> 00:50:20,912
in what is the world's
greatest sporting event--
1087
00:50:20,914 --> 00:50:22,881
duplicate bridge!
1088
00:50:22,883 --> 00:50:26,150
♪ Stand up, feel the sun ♪
1089
00:50:26,152 --> 00:50:29,287
♪ you know your time has come ♪
1090
00:50:29,289 --> 00:50:33,892
♪ all or none, it's time to feel alive ♪
1091
00:50:36,563 --> 00:50:38,897
♪ So here is destiny ♪
1092
00:50:38,899 --> 00:50:40,832
♪ to claim your victory ♪
1093
00:50:40,834 --> 00:50:42,901
- gimme a 4 of diamonds.
- 4 of diamonds.
1094
00:50:42,903 --> 00:50:44,969
- Give me an 8 of clubs.
- The 8 of clubs.
1095
00:50:44,971 --> 00:50:48,306
- Give me an ace of spades.
- Ace of spades.
1096
00:50:48,308 --> 00:50:50,141
And what does that spell, Avi?
1097
00:50:50,143 --> 00:50:52,076
Bridge, bitches!
1098
00:50:52,078 --> 00:50:53,945
- Hoo-yeah!
- Boo-yeah!
1099
00:50:53,947 --> 00:50:55,547
♪ You got it, walk away ♪
1100
00:51:01,288 --> 00:51:02,921
♪ Stack 'em up and hear... ♪
1101
00:51:02,923 --> 00:51:07,859
Jack trump, in yo face!
1102
00:51:07,861 --> 00:51:11,930
- We have a two-way tie.
1103
00:51:11,932 --> 00:51:14,232
- That means...
- Sudden death!
1104
00:51:14,234 --> 00:51:15,567
- Yes!
- Oh, yeah!
1105
00:51:15,569 --> 00:51:19,070
You've all been briefed on the rules.
1106
00:51:19,072 --> 00:51:22,273
Three boards.
Two out of three wins.
1107
00:51:22,275 --> 00:51:24,676
Let's keep it clean.
1108
00:51:24,678 --> 00:51:26,144
Begin!
1109
00:51:28,214 --> 00:51:31,215
♪ On your mark, get ready, ♪
♪ here we go, it's time to play ♪
1110
00:51:31,217 --> 00:51:33,952
♪ it's a battle, battle, you had better walk away ♪
1111
00:51:38,158 --> 00:51:39,290
Yes!
1112
00:51:39,292 --> 00:51:41,626
- Rosenberg/marks lead 1-0.
1113
00:51:44,196 --> 00:51:45,863
They're freaking me out a little bit.
1114
00:51:45,865 --> 00:51:48,766
I've been playing with them for years.
1115
00:51:48,768 --> 00:51:50,802
It's disturbing.
1116
00:51:52,906 --> 00:51:55,039
Ooooh! Oh! Oh!
1117
00:51:59,079 --> 00:52:00,912
- We can do this, right?
- Trust me.
1118
00:52:00,914 --> 00:52:02,947
It's over.
1119
00:52:02,949 --> 00:52:05,149
- Trump! What!
- Oh!
1120
00:52:05,151 --> 00:52:07,285
- Trump, baby!
It's called trump!
1121
00:52:07,287 --> 00:52:09,621
It's called trump!
- I can't believe it.
1122
00:52:09,623 --> 00:52:12,256
You did it!
- Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
1123
00:52:14,227 --> 00:52:16,661
- Oh, my God!
Finally!
1124
00:52:16,663 --> 00:52:18,296
Who's the big winners over here?
1125
00:52:18,298 --> 00:52:21,265
Who beat the fleischmans?
I beat the fleischmans.
1126
00:52:21,267 --> 00:52:24,736
We beat the fleischmans.
- You!
1127
00:52:24,738 --> 00:52:27,038
You did it!
You did it.
1128
00:52:27,040 --> 00:52:28,973
Oh, you are amazing.
You are totally--
1129
00:52:28,975 --> 00:52:31,209
- we did it.
We did it. Yeah.
1130
00:52:31,211 --> 00:52:33,344
Who wants an autograph?
- Oh, honey.
1131
00:52:33,346 --> 00:52:37,015
Honey, did you see us?
Oh...
1132
00:52:38,183 --> 00:52:41,052
- Alison.
- Avi. What are you doing here?
1133
00:52:41,054 --> 00:52:42,687
Wait, you two know each other?
1134
00:52:42,689 --> 00:52:45,023
This is the girl I told you about.
1135
00:52:45,025 --> 00:52:47,759
She never called me back.
1136
00:52:47,761 --> 00:52:48,860
How do you two know each other?
1137
00:52:48,862 --> 00:52:50,762
That's my daughter.
1138
00:52:50,764 --> 00:52:55,299
Can I talk to you just for a second?
1139
00:52:55,301 --> 00:52:59,137
Um, I--I met that guy
at your last mixer.
1140
00:52:59,139 --> 00:53:01,272
We went on a date, and he ended up being
1141
00:53:01,274 --> 00:53:03,708
one of the strangest guys I've ever met.
1142
00:53:03,710 --> 00:53:06,744
- How can you possibly say that?
I think he is wonderful.
1143
00:53:06,746 --> 00:53:08,279
He asked our waiter if he could
1144
00:53:08,281 --> 00:53:12,717
And then he said that I had
a cute little Jew-beak.
1145
00:53:12,719 --> 00:53:15,353
Oh, I'm sure that he was just joking.
1146
00:53:15,355 --> 00:53:17,088
He's very funny.
- Really?
1147
00:53:17,090 --> 00:53:19,223
Okay, well, then we went to a jazz club,
1148
00:53:19,225 --> 00:53:21,025
and he stood up in front of everyone
1149
00:53:21,027 --> 00:53:23,961
and said that smokey Joe Jefferson was a schvartzah.
1150
00:53:23,963 --> 00:53:25,263
Well, he is one, isn't he?
1151
00:53:25,265 --> 00:53:27,098
He is a psycho!
1152
00:53:27,100 --> 00:53:28,700
I mean, isn't it obvious that he's, like, stalking me?
1153
00:53:28,702 --> 00:53:30,802
- Oh, please.
Now come on.
1154
00:53:30,804 --> 00:53:34,005
It's not like he has time to stalk.
1155
00:53:34,007 --> 00:53:37,842
No, obviously this is some sort of crazy coincidence
1156
00:53:37,844 --> 00:53:39,744
that, you know, it's--
1157
00:53:39,746 --> 00:53:41,746
now wait a minute.
1158
00:53:41,748 --> 00:53:44,215
A--actually, I--I don't--
1159
00:53:44,217 --> 00:53:48,019
I don't think that this is a coincidence at all.
1160
00:53:48,021 --> 00:53:51,789
No, I think that this just might be fate
1161
00:53:51,791 --> 00:53:54,459
trying to get you two together.
1162
00:53:54,461 --> 00:53:56,294
- Wow.
1163
00:53:56,296 --> 00:53:59,764
All right, Alison, darling, listen to me.
1164
00:53:59,766 --> 00:54:02,500
You are 27 years old.
1165
00:54:02,502 --> 00:54:04,469
And have I ever tried to set you up with anyone?
1166
00:54:04,471 --> 00:54:07,038
No! And why is that?
1167
00:54:07,040 --> 00:54:10,108
Because I have never felt that
anyone was good enough for you.
1168
00:54:10,110 --> 00:54:13,478
Until now.
1169
00:54:13,480 --> 00:54:16,180
Mm, mm, mm.
1170
00:54:21,454 --> 00:54:23,354
- What are you doing?
- What?
1171
00:54:23,356 --> 00:54:25,323
I told you to let me get to the altar,
1172
00:54:25,325 --> 00:54:28,326
look at me for 15 seconds, let the tension build,
1173
00:54:28,328 --> 00:54:30,895
and then slowly pull my veil back.
1174
00:54:30,897 --> 00:54:34,232
Can somebody get him off the shitter?
1175
00:54:34,234 --> 00:54:35,767
- Okay, fine. Whatever.
Let's just keep going.
1176
00:54:35,769 --> 00:54:38,970
We have to keep doing it till we get it right.
1177
00:54:38,972 --> 00:54:42,173
I clocked you pulling back the veil after four seconds.
1178
00:54:42,175 --> 00:54:43,775
Yeah, that's the least of our problems.
1179
00:54:43,777 --> 00:54:45,443
You didn't even have tears in your eyes
1180
00:54:45,445 --> 00:54:47,012
when you lifted up the veil.
- It's a rehearsal!
1181
00:54:47,013 --> 00:54:48,846
Who cares if it's a rehearsal?
1182
00:54:48,848 --> 00:54:50,181
Don't you love my daughter so much that you tear up
1183
00:54:50,183 --> 00:54:51,949
every time you see her?
1184
00:54:51,951 --> 00:54:53,184
I can't believe you're being so insensitive.
1185
00:54:53,186 --> 00:54:56,921
That she is still recovering from her surgery?
1186
00:54:56,923 --> 00:54:59,056
Oh, by the way, Hannah, how's your new vag?
1187
00:54:59,058 --> 00:55:01,292
Jill! Stop talking
about Hannah's vagina.
1188
00:55:01,294 --> 00:55:02,860
- Less ugly?
1189
00:55:02,862 --> 00:55:04,061
- Dennis!
- Dad!
1190
00:55:04,063 --> 00:55:05,563
- What?
- Pookie-poo?
1191
00:55:05,565 --> 00:55:07,365
The Daniels are right.
1192
00:55:07,367 --> 00:55:10,535
Because we only have three more rehearsals left
1193
00:55:10,537 --> 00:55:14,205
Megan, sweetie, your pedal throwing's got
1194
00:55:14,207 --> 00:55:19,010
Remember, it's three petals per step.
1195
00:55:19,012 --> 00:55:20,279
Screw it up again and you're both out.
1196
00:55:22,382 --> 00:55:24,949
Okay, so let's take it from the poems.
1197
00:55:24,951 --> 00:55:26,551
- What?
The poems?
1198
00:55:26,553 --> 00:55:28,019
- Yeah.
- Oh, honey.
1199
00:55:28,021 --> 00:55:33,991
But I need to see your performance
1200
00:55:33,993 --> 00:55:36,127
so I can give you notes.
1201
00:55:36,129 --> 00:55:39,163
- Okay!
1202
00:55:39,165 --> 00:55:40,865
"Hannah."
- Yes.
1203
00:55:40,867 --> 00:55:43,100
"The day I met you it was like a dream,
1204
00:55:43,102 --> 00:55:46,437
"even more thrilling than my
father's new embroidery machine.
1205
00:55:46,439 --> 00:55:48,973
- Fine.
- Fine.
1206
00:55:48,975 --> 00:55:50,374
"My feelings toward you are so extreme
1207
00:55:50,376 --> 00:55:52,143
"that sometimes when I'm with you
1208
00:55:52,145 --> 00:55:54,011
"I just--
I just wanna s--
1209
00:55:55,949 --> 00:55:57,582
Scream."
- What grade is he in?
1210
00:55:57,584 --> 00:55:59,217
"The thought of being without you
1211
00:55:59,219 --> 00:56:01,519
"words can't explain.
1212
00:56:01,521 --> 00:56:04,021
"If you only knew what was going on inside...
1213
00:56:04,023 --> 00:56:07,058
My br--"
1214
00:56:07,060 --> 00:56:08,559
Ah!
- Brain. Brain!
1215
00:56:08,561 --> 00:56:10,561
"Brain.
1216
00:56:10,563 --> 00:56:11,996
"I can't believe I'm about to spend
1217
00:56:11,998 --> 00:56:13,297
the rest
of my years with you."
1218
00:56:13,299 --> 00:56:15,099
Good.
1219
00:56:15,101 --> 00:56:17,368
"And in just a few minutes...
1220
00:56:17,370 --> 00:56:19,637
"I'm going to say the words...
1221
00:56:19,639 --> 00:56:23,174
"'I--
1222
00:56:24,576 --> 00:56:26,010
"'I--
1223
00:56:27,380 --> 00:56:30,114
I--I'm gonna say the words
'I--"
1224
00:56:31,951 --> 00:56:34,518
What are you doing?
1225
00:56:34,520 --> 00:56:36,587
I'm not ready to be a man.
1226
00:56:36,589 --> 00:56:38,055
- What?
- Again?
1227
00:56:38,057 --> 00:56:39,590
I'm not ready to be a man.
1228
00:56:39,592 --> 00:56:43,361
- What!
- I'm not ready to be a man!
1229
00:56:43,363 --> 00:56:46,631
- I'm not ready to be a man!
1230
00:56:46,633 --> 00:56:48,499
- Adam!
- I'm not ready to be a man!
1231
00:56:48,501 --> 00:56:50,501
- Adam!
1232
00:56:50,503 --> 00:56:52,270
This is why I wanted to rehearse!
1233
00:56:52,272 --> 00:56:53,938
What the fuck!
1234
00:56:58,144 --> 00:57:00,311
I can't believe I was so wrong about you.
1235
00:57:00,313 --> 00:57:02,580
Why does my mother have to be right about everything?
1236
00:57:02,582 --> 00:57:06,417
You know mothers.
1237
00:57:06,419 --> 00:57:08,686
Mm.
1238
00:57:08,688 --> 00:57:12,556
What does it look like I'm doing?
1239
00:57:12,558 --> 00:57:14,659
- No, no.
I think we should--
1240
00:57:14,661 --> 00:57:16,327
I think we should take it slow.
1241
00:57:16,329 --> 00:57:17,962
You're kidding, right?
1242
00:57:17,964 --> 00:57:20,331
No, no, because, um...
1243
00:57:20,333 --> 00:57:22,533
Sex, you know, has a way of complicating things,
1244
00:57:22,535 --> 00:57:25,336
and I wanna get to know you.
1245
00:57:25,338 --> 00:57:27,104
I wanna get to know the real you.
1246
00:57:27,106 --> 00:57:30,975
I've never met a guy who wanted to wait.
1247
00:57:30,977 --> 00:57:33,577
That is so... Hot.
1248
00:57:33,579 --> 00:57:35,179
Oh, shit.
1249
00:57:36,649 --> 00:57:40,351
That's my phone.
1250
00:57:40,353 --> 00:57:41,652
Hold on, hold on.
1251
00:57:41,654 --> 00:57:45,122
What are you do--
what are you doing, man?
1252
00:57:45,124 --> 00:57:46,357
I've been calling you all week.
1253
00:57:46,359 --> 00:57:48,225
I haven't even heard from you.
1254
00:57:48,227 --> 00:57:50,428
What's the mat--
wait, wait, wait.
1255
00:57:50,430 --> 00:57:52,530
Hannah?
1256
00:57:52,532 --> 00:57:55,967
Who's Hannah?
1257
00:57:55,969 --> 00:57:57,969
So then I saw your commercial.
1258
00:57:57,971 --> 00:57:59,537
So I went to the palace
1259
00:57:59,539 --> 00:58:01,238
and we've been hanging out ever since.
1260
00:58:01,240 --> 00:58:03,007
He never said a word to us about this.
1261
00:58:03,009 --> 00:58:04,709
God forbid he should tell us anything.
1262
00:58:04,711 --> 00:58:06,410
Have you heard from him at all in the last week?
1263
00:58:06,412 --> 00:58:08,212
No, no.
I've been calling him too.
1264
00:58:08,214 --> 00:58:09,480
He hasn't returned any of my calls.
1265
00:58:09,482 --> 00:58:12,216
What if he was raped and murdered
1266
00:58:12,218 --> 00:58:16,754
Did he say anything about Hannah, about the wedding?
1267
00:58:16,756 --> 00:58:18,389
- No, nothing.
I--I--
1268
00:58:18,391 --> 00:58:19,690
- daddy!
- You know what?
1269
00:58:19,692 --> 00:58:23,461
I disappeared for six months
before my wedding, right, honey?
1270
00:58:23,463 --> 00:58:25,296
Uh, that was me.
1271
00:58:25,298 --> 00:58:26,697
That's right, it was--
1272
00:58:26,699 --> 00:58:28,299
- how are you a doctor?
1273
00:58:28,301 --> 00:58:30,134
Oh, my God!
1274
00:58:30,136 --> 00:58:34,238
He's gone forever, and I'm never gonna have a baby!
1275
00:58:35,474 --> 00:58:38,242
Oh, God!
1276
00:58:38,244 --> 00:58:40,444
I'm never gonna have a grandchild.
1277
00:58:45,018 --> 00:58:48,419
God damn it, do something, Bruce!
1278
00:58:52,658 --> 00:58:56,360
No!
1279
00:59:03,735 --> 00:59:05,803
I'm not ready to be a man.
- Hello?
1280
00:59:05,805 --> 00:59:09,340
- I'm not ready to be a man.
- Adam?
1281
00:59:11,277 --> 00:59:13,677
Now the doctors at the hospital
1282
00:59:13,679 --> 00:59:15,446
referred you to serenity hills
1283
00:59:15,448 --> 00:59:18,215
because they felt that Adam required
1284
00:59:18,217 --> 00:59:21,719
a more intense, hands-on
environment for his condition.
1285
00:59:21,721 --> 00:59:23,354
His condition?
1286
00:59:23,356 --> 00:59:25,556
Oh, Adam is suffering from a severe case
1287
00:59:25,558 --> 00:59:27,258
of post traumatic stress disorder.
1288
00:59:27,260 --> 00:59:28,659
- Oh.
1289
00:59:28,661 --> 00:59:30,461
- What the--
- I didn't do it.
1290
00:59:30,463 --> 00:59:31,729
I just don't understand
1291
00:59:31,731 --> 00:59:35,132
- Not again.
- And your fault.
1292
00:59:35,134 --> 00:59:37,701
Honey, you can still change your mind.
1293
00:59:40,440 --> 00:59:42,106
What the--
1294
00:59:42,108 --> 00:59:44,375
- Seems fine to me.
1295
00:59:44,377 --> 00:59:45,776
- Get him!
- Pookie!
1296
00:59:45,778 --> 00:59:47,111
Run! Get him!
1297
00:59:47,113 --> 00:59:49,246
Get back here!
1298
00:59:49,248 --> 00:59:52,750
In case like Adam's, who has
a long history of panic attacks,
1299
00:59:52,752 --> 00:59:59,557
what we refer to as the "ha," or the hyperaroused state.
1300
01:00:01,427 --> 01:00:02,860
Oh.
1301
01:00:02,862 --> 01:00:07,565
Is Adam attempting to isolate
and detach from his feelings,
1302
01:00:07,567 --> 01:00:11,702
thus creating what we call emotional detachment,
1303
01:00:11,704 --> 01:00:15,372
or numb nuts--
numbness--numbing.
1304
01:00:15,374 --> 01:00:16,607
Sorry.
1305
01:00:16,609 --> 01:00:19,243
Now, over the next 21 days,
1306
01:00:19,245 --> 01:00:20,611
we are going to be implementing
1307
01:00:20,613 --> 01:00:23,614
a series of therapies and treatments.
1308
01:00:23,616 --> 01:00:25,382
- 21 days. No, no, no.
That is July 2nd.
1309
01:00:25,384 --> 01:00:27,151
July 2nd my wedding.
1310
01:00:27,153 --> 01:00:28,385
We gotta get him outta here quicker than that.
1311
01:00:28,387 --> 01:00:31,222
Do you have, like, an express service?
1312
01:00:31,224 --> 01:00:34,358
This is our only son you're talking about.
1313
01:00:34,360 --> 01:00:37,228
We're not putting him on some express service!
1314
01:00:37,230 --> 01:00:38,596
- Whoa! Whoa!
- Ugh!
1315
01:00:40,133 --> 01:00:43,601
We need 21 days, and if you cannot give us that,
1316
01:00:43,603 --> 01:00:45,769
then get him outta here!
- No!
1317
01:00:45,771 --> 01:00:47,471
- We could go swimming.
I don't know.
1318
01:00:47,473 --> 01:00:48,806
No, you don't need to cry.
1319
01:00:48,808 --> 01:00:50,241
It's gonna be okay.
1320
01:00:50,243 --> 01:00:55,913
Is it just me or does that dolphin look like Hannah?
1321
01:00:55,915 --> 01:00:58,182
He never did that with me, ever!
1322
01:01:01,487 --> 01:01:04,321
- Fuck you, Adam!
- Fuck you!
1323
01:01:04,323 --> 01:01:08,692
Johnny Williams, come on down!
1324
01:01:08,694 --> 01:01:12,429
Oh, gosh, I don't think I've seen this since I was a kid.
1325
01:01:12,431 --> 01:01:14,165
Wow.
1326
01:01:14,167 --> 01:01:16,200
It's amazing they can still find humans
1327
01:01:16,202 --> 01:01:19,236
who will actually appear on this show.
1328
01:01:19,238 --> 01:01:20,771
I'm sala Khan.
1329
01:01:20,773 --> 01:01:25,543
I've been assigned to be your primary counselor.
1330
01:01:25,545 --> 01:01:28,879
Look, if you don't wanna talk, it's no problem.
1331
01:01:28,881 --> 01:01:30,548
You don't have to talk.
1332
01:01:30,550 --> 01:01:33,184
These things take time.
1333
01:01:33,186 --> 01:01:35,452
And I've got all the time you need.
1334
01:01:36,855 --> 01:01:39,590
All right, are you ready for some paco?
1335
01:01:39,592 --> 01:01:41,559
- Okay, let's do it.
- Let's walk out.
1336
01:01:41,561 --> 01:01:44,495
And give it a drop.
1337
01:01:44,497 --> 01:01:47,231
- Okay, all right.
Here it goes.
1338
01:01:47,233 --> 01:01:49,333
A little tea time.
1339
01:01:49,335 --> 01:01:54,238
Why is that only fat people make it into the showdown?
1340
01:01:54,240 --> 01:01:56,273
Fine.
1341
01:01:56,275 --> 01:01:58,275
You know, you wanna sit there like a vegetable all day
1342
01:01:58,277 --> 01:01:59,810
and pretend like you don't hear me,
1343
01:01:59,812 --> 01:02:01,845
then go right ahead.
1344
01:02:01,847 --> 01:02:04,915
But my job is to make you well again
1345
01:02:04,917 --> 01:02:06,717
by having you face the traumatic events
1346
01:02:06,719 --> 01:02:08,719
that have forced you into this state.
1347
01:02:08,721 --> 01:02:11,689
So... Unless you're willing
to turn off the TV and do that,
1348
01:02:11,691 --> 01:02:14,391
then I would save the 2,500 a day you're spending here
1349
01:02:14,393 --> 01:02:16,260
and go check yourself into a hotel.
1350
01:02:18,864 --> 01:02:20,831
Suit yourself.
1351
01:02:20,833 --> 01:02:24,635
You stare all you like, little man.
1352
01:02:28,273 --> 01:02:31,642
What did you just say?
1353
01:02:31,644 --> 01:02:35,012
Mm, so anyway, the moyil slips,
1354
01:02:35,014 --> 01:02:37,448
a piece falls off, hits me in the punim.
1355
01:02:37,450 --> 01:02:39,583
I been cockeyed ever since.
1356
01:02:42,521 --> 01:02:44,521
So, Avi, Alison tells me you're from skokie.
1357
01:02:44,523 --> 01:02:46,023
Yeah, yeah.
1358
01:02:46,025 --> 01:02:47,591
You know, Al and I grew up in glenview.
1359
01:02:47,593 --> 01:02:49,760
Sorry.
1360
01:02:49,762 --> 01:02:51,695
Excuse me.
Oh, really?
1361
01:02:51,697 --> 01:02:53,364
Yeah, we were practically neighbors.
1362
01:02:53,366 --> 01:02:55,566
Your family still there?
- Nope.
1363
01:02:55,568 --> 01:02:58,402
- Where'd they move to?
- They moved...
1364
01:02:58,404 --> 01:02:59,637
To heaven.
1365
01:02:59,639 --> 01:03:02,773
Oh... I'm so sorry.
1366
01:03:02,775 --> 01:03:06,577
When did they pass?
- They, um--
1367
01:03:06,579 --> 01:03:08,412
they passed a few years back.
1368
01:03:08,414 --> 01:03:09,780
Can't believe you never told me that.
1369
01:03:09,782 --> 01:03:11,749
Well, it's hard to talk about it.
1370
01:03:11,751 --> 01:03:13,550
It's very raw.
1371
01:03:13,552 --> 01:03:15,586
- Why, what happened?
- Hunting accident.
1372
01:03:15,588 --> 01:03:17,421
- Oy!
- Hunting accident?
1373
01:03:17,423 --> 01:03:19,056
Your par--
- They got shot by hunters.
1374
01:03:19,058 --> 01:03:20,858
What were your parents doing wandering around
1375
01:03:20,860 --> 01:03:22,593
where people were hunting?
1376
01:03:22,595 --> 01:03:25,663
The hunters were hunting in our backyard.
1377
01:03:25,665 --> 01:03:28,299
What were the hunters doing in your backyard?
1378
01:03:28,301 --> 01:03:31,335
They had gotten lost and, uh, were off track.
1379
01:03:31,337 --> 01:03:33,971
And, uh, my parents were wearing their brown onesies
1380
01:03:33,973 --> 01:03:36,307
and the--
1381
01:03:36,309 --> 01:03:38,709
The, um--the hunters
mistook them for elk.
1382
01:03:38,711 --> 01:03:40,077
- Elk.
- What happened to the hunters?
1383
01:03:40,079 --> 01:03:42,646
Were they arrested?
- No.
1384
01:03:42,648 --> 01:03:44,682
They are still at large.
- You know what, Avi?
1385
01:03:44,684 --> 01:03:46,917
The police in skokie's an old friend of mine.
1386
01:03:46,919 --> 01:03:48,652
I'm calling him tomorrow.
1387
01:03:48,654 --> 01:03:49,953
We'll see if we can't help move things along.
1388
01:03:49,955 --> 01:03:51,755
Huh.
1389
01:03:51,757 --> 01:03:53,791
Forgive me, but weren't you
on the phone with your--
1390
01:03:53,793 --> 01:03:56,060
- can we--can we talk
about something else?
1391
01:03:56,062 --> 01:03:58,696
- Of course.
- I was watching TV last night.
1392
01:03:58,698 --> 01:04:01,965
Charleton heston.
What an actor.
1393
01:04:01,967 --> 01:04:03,801
Not Jewish, you know.
1394
01:04:03,803 --> 01:04:05,769
Who isn't?
1395
01:04:05,771 --> 01:04:10,441
- So I'm--I'm up there
and we're rehearsing these--
1396
01:04:10,443 --> 01:04:14,578
these poems that we had written for each other.
1397
01:04:14,580 --> 01:04:19,650
And--and right at the part
where I'm about to say "I do"
1398
01:04:19,652 --> 01:04:21,518
I just--I just cracked.
1399
01:04:21,520 --> 01:04:23,120
Good, Adam.
1400
01:04:23,122 --> 01:04:24,855
Do you remember how you were feeling
1401
01:04:24,857 --> 01:04:26,123
in that very moment?
1402
01:04:26,125 --> 01:04:29,860
- No.
I mean, I--I just--
1403
01:04:29,862 --> 01:04:33,797
for a split second, I saw my entire life with Hannah
1404
01:04:33,799 --> 01:04:35,766
flash before my eyes.
1405
01:04:35,768 --> 01:04:37,534
And why did that scare you?
1406
01:04:37,536 --> 01:04:41,071
- Probably because I--
1407
01:04:41,073 --> 01:04:42,773
I don't think she's right for me.
1408
01:04:42,775 --> 01:04:44,675
So then why are you marrying her?
1409
01:04:44,677 --> 01:04:48,645
You're avoiding the question, Adam.
1410
01:04:48,647 --> 01:04:50,481
I think you do know.
1411
01:04:50,483 --> 01:04:52,116
Now what I want you to do
1412
01:04:52,118 --> 01:04:55,052
is try to pinpoint the exact moment in your life
1413
01:04:55,054 --> 01:04:58,789
where this pressure you're feeling originated.
1414
01:05:00,960 --> 01:05:04,895
I was 12 years old.
1415
01:05:04,897 --> 01:05:09,466
- Stop staring at her, Adam.
That is rude!
1416
01:05:09,468 --> 01:05:10,868
You cute.
1417
01:05:10,870 --> 01:05:14,471
You stare all you like, little man.
1418
01:05:14,473 --> 01:05:16,039
You are not, and you will never be,
1419
01:05:16,041 --> 01:05:17,975
her little man.
1420
01:05:17,977 --> 01:05:20,077
- Why can't I be her little man?
- Because she's not Jewish.
1421
01:05:20,079 --> 01:05:21,945
So I can't be with a girl who's not Jewish?
1422
01:05:21,947 --> 01:05:23,680
- That's right.
- Why?
1423
01:05:23,682 --> 01:05:29,153
And we owe it to them.
- Why?
1424
01:05:29,155 --> 01:05:31,889
So what does that have to do with me?
1425
01:05:31,891 --> 01:05:35,659
The fate of our entire religion depends on you!
1426
01:05:37,630 --> 01:05:39,029
It depends on me!
1427
01:05:39,031 --> 01:05:40,531
It depends on me!
It's all right.
1428
01:05:40,533 --> 01:05:42,166
It all depends on me!
1429
01:05:42,168 --> 01:05:44,067
- It's all right.
It's all right, Adam.
1430
01:05:44,069 --> 01:05:45,702
- Rosh hashanah.
Oh, God!
1431
01:05:45,704 --> 01:05:47,738
Oh, God, bar mitzvahs!
1432
01:05:47,740 --> 01:05:49,573
Oh, God!
1433
01:05:49,575 --> 01:05:51,742
Adam, that was really good.
1434
01:05:51,744 --> 01:05:54,211
Really good!
1435
01:05:54,213 --> 01:05:56,146
I'm here.
1436
01:06:04,722 --> 01:06:08,158
Hey, boss, can I get the Crescent wrench?
1437
01:06:08,160 --> 01:06:10,627
Yeah, here.
1438
01:06:10,629 --> 01:06:13,464
- Ah, gracias.
You have soft hands.
1439
01:06:13,466 --> 01:06:15,065
Ugh. Hey, boss, you remember
that one time we went to--
1440
01:06:15,067 --> 01:06:16,733
- Shh, shh, shh!
1441
01:06:16,735 --> 01:06:20,070
Don't say a word.
1442
01:06:20,072 --> 01:06:21,705
Hey, hey, beautiful.
How you doing?
1443
01:06:21,707 --> 01:06:25,075
- Oh, nothing, you know.
Just here at the hospital.
1444
01:06:25,077 --> 01:06:27,611
Checking in on patients, patients, patients.
1445
01:06:27,613 --> 01:06:29,146
What's up, baby?
1446
01:06:29,148 --> 01:06:32,850
And he talked to the chief of police in skokie.
1447
01:06:32,852 --> 01:06:34,918
And there's no record of any rosenbergs
1448
01:06:34,920 --> 01:06:36,620
being shot and killed by hunters.
1449
01:06:36,622 --> 01:06:40,057
In fact, there hasn't been
a hunting-related death
1450
01:06:40,059 --> 01:06:42,593
in skokie... Ever.
1451
01:06:42,595 --> 01:06:45,028
So I went online to research it,
and I couldn't find anything.
1452
01:06:45,030 --> 01:06:48,098
Alison, I didn't wanna have to tell you this,
1453
01:06:48,100 --> 01:06:50,033
but my parents...
1454
01:06:50,035 --> 01:06:53,070
Were in the Witness Protection program.
1455
01:06:53,072 --> 01:06:56,273
And when they were murdered,
the FBI destroyed their records.
1456
01:06:56,275 --> 01:06:58,141
Oye, boss, tu estas loco.
1457
01:06:58,143 --> 01:07:00,511
What were they doing in the Witness Protection program?
1458
01:07:00,513 --> 01:07:02,779
- Jimmy hoffa?
- What about Jimmy hoffa?
1459
01:07:02,781 --> 01:07:05,182
Look, I've said too much already, do you understand?
1460
01:07:05,184 --> 01:07:06,984
Avi, I just feel like you're hiding things from me.
1461
01:07:06,986 --> 01:07:10,754
And you never tell me that your parents were murdered
1462
01:07:10,756 --> 01:07:12,289
by elk hunters?
1463
01:07:12,291 --> 01:07:13,824
And now they're in the Witness Protection program?
1464
01:07:13,826 --> 01:07:17,227
I'm just starting to wonder
if you might be... Gay.
1465
01:07:17,229 --> 01:07:22,132
- Whoa, whoa.
Why would you think I'm gay?
1466
01:07:22,134 --> 01:07:23,767
Because what guy goes out with a girl for a whole month
1467
01:07:23,769 --> 01:07:25,569
and doesn't wanna sleep with her?
1468
01:07:25,571 --> 01:07:27,905
- I do, I wanna sleep with you.
I just...
1469
01:07:27,907 --> 01:07:32,643
Ew. That is exactly
what my aunt Judy's husband
1470
01:07:32,645 --> 01:07:34,011
told her right before they got married.
1471
01:07:34,013 --> 01:07:35,779
And 20 years and two kids later,
1472
01:07:35,781 --> 01:07:37,548
she walks in on him tied up
1473
01:07:37,550 --> 01:07:38,882
with a rubber ball gag in his mouth,
1474
01:07:38,884 --> 01:07:40,984
being sodomized by a transsexual
1475
01:07:40,986 --> 01:07:43,320
who is dressed as Dorothy from the wizard of oz!
1476
01:07:43,322 --> 01:07:45,556
Okay, and I am not gonna turn out like my aunt Judy.
1477
01:07:45,558 --> 01:07:47,291
- O--
1478
01:07:47,293 --> 01:07:50,327
Okay, okay, okay.
Listen, we will sleep together.
1479
01:07:50,329 --> 01:07:52,296
I--let's do this, baby.
- Really?
1480
01:07:52,298 --> 01:07:53,931
Do you mean that?
- Oh, yeah.
1481
01:07:53,933 --> 01:07:56,099
- When?
When are we gonna have sex?
1482
01:07:56,101 --> 01:07:59,903
I get back from the medical conference in Dallas.
1483
01:07:59,905 --> 01:08:02,039
What medical conference in Dallas?
1484
01:08:02,041 --> 01:08:04,141
Remember I told you about that a couple weeks ago?
1485
01:08:04,143 --> 01:08:06,209
When are you leaving?
1486
01:08:06,211 --> 01:08:08,612
Like, in two hours.
1487
01:08:08,614 --> 01:08:10,614
You know, when you in hell,
1488
01:08:10,616 --> 01:08:14,585
maybe you and Ted Bundy can be roommates, cabron.
1489
01:08:20,992 --> 01:08:23,026
You know, Bruce, I'm looking at a bill here
1490
01:08:23,028 --> 01:08:28,765
for $42,765, and considering we said
1491
01:08:28,767 --> 01:08:30,867
we'd split all the wedding expenses,
1492
01:08:30,869 --> 01:08:35,305
How is your son going crazy a wedding expense?
1493
01:08:35,307 --> 01:08:37,140
Well, it happened during a wedding rehearsal,
1494
01:08:37,142 --> 01:08:39,676
so I think the case could be made in a court of law,
1495
01:08:39,678 --> 01:08:42,346
this is a wedding expense.
- Nice try, nice try.
1496
01:08:42,348 --> 01:08:44,915
He's got a well-documented
pre-existing condition.
1497
01:08:44,917 --> 01:08:49,019
His condition was never that bad until he met Hannah.
1498
01:08:49,021 --> 01:08:52,155
Hey, are you implying that my daughter
1499
01:08:52,157 --> 01:08:53,790
had something to do with Adam's freak out?
1500
01:08:53,792 --> 01:08:55,659
- Oh, she's not implying.
1501
01:08:55,661 --> 01:08:57,961
She's saying.
- I had nothing to do with this.
1502
01:08:57,963 --> 01:08:59,630
Oh, right, you're not insane.
1503
01:08:59,632 --> 01:09:02,232
- Everyone, please!
We have worked very hard
1504
01:09:02,234 --> 01:09:04,801
to get Adam to the point he is at in his therapy,
1505
01:09:04,803 --> 01:09:06,937
and he has had a very tough time,
1506
01:09:06,939 --> 01:09:08,405
but these last few days,
1507
01:09:08,407 --> 01:09:12,175
he has truly managed to come from behind.
1508
01:09:13,978 --> 01:09:16,346
- Oh, God, oh, God!
- Mepong, nekock--ho!
1509
01:09:16,348 --> 01:09:18,081
- Oh! Oh! Oh, God!
- Oh, ping-to!
1510
01:09:18,083 --> 01:09:20,751
- Fuck.
- What the--
1511
01:09:20,753 --> 01:09:23,420
- What? Mom, dad?
- Oh, God!
1512
01:09:23,422 --> 01:09:25,022
- Get off of my boy!
1513
01:09:25,024 --> 01:09:26,757
- What are you--
what are you doing?
1514
01:09:26,759 --> 01:09:28,392
He never tried that with me!
1515
01:09:28,394 --> 01:09:33,930
What is everybody doing here at the same time?
1516
01:09:33,932 --> 01:09:35,699
Oh, God.
- Oh.
1517
01:09:35,701 --> 01:09:38,301
So let me get this straight.
1518
01:09:38,303 --> 01:09:40,971
You no longer want to get married to me
1519
01:09:40,973 --> 01:09:43,874
because you're in love with your Mongolian doctor?
1520
01:09:43,876 --> 01:09:46,410
I know this must be a shock for everyone,
1521
01:09:46,412 --> 01:09:48,945
but when Adam finally opened up to me,
1522
01:09:48,947 --> 01:09:51,748
I don't know, we just clicked.
1523
01:09:51,750 --> 01:09:53,216
What do you mean you just clicked?
1524
01:09:53,218 --> 01:09:56,386
We are not going to get anywhere by attacking each other.
1525
01:09:56,388 --> 01:10:00,023
- Mm-Hmm.
- Sala, please continue.
1526
01:10:00,025 --> 01:10:01,758
By the way, you're fired.
1527
01:10:01,760 --> 01:10:05,729
Well, I'm Buddhist and you know,
1528
01:10:05,731 --> 01:10:07,864
both of our religions were born out of struggle,
1529
01:10:07,866 --> 01:10:11,435
so we both place emphasis on family,
1530
01:10:11,437 --> 01:10:14,037
education, and hard work.
1531
01:10:14,039 --> 01:10:16,173
And the intense pressure that Adam feels
1532
01:10:16,175 --> 01:10:20,410
is the same pressure I feel to marry a Mongolian,
1533
01:10:20,412 --> 01:10:23,747
so it's no wonder why we're able to connect.
1534
01:10:23,749 --> 01:10:25,415
For 43 grand,
1535
01:10:25,417 --> 01:10:28,819
you could have connected with every chick in Mongolia!
1536
01:10:28,821 --> 01:10:31,722
Okay, sala.
1537
01:10:31,724 --> 01:10:33,390
Hypothetically speaking,
1538
01:10:33,392 --> 01:10:38,995
if you two to were to stay
together and get... Married,
1539
01:10:38,997 --> 01:10:40,864
how would you raise your children?
1540
01:10:40,866 --> 01:10:42,499
Oh, mom, do we have to get into this right now?
1541
01:10:42,501 --> 01:10:43,900
Well, isn't that what this is for?
1542
01:10:43,902 --> 01:10:45,368
- Okay,
well, the truth is--
1543
01:10:45,370 --> 01:10:48,872
The truth is--
- What's the truth, Adam?
1544
01:10:48,874 --> 01:10:52,008
The truth is, I don't know if
I want to raise my kids Jewish!
1545
01:10:54,079 --> 01:10:56,780
- Oh, shit.
- Jesus.
1546
01:10:56,782 --> 01:11:00,117
Who are you?
1547
01:11:00,119 --> 01:11:04,321
Was I not a good mother to you?
1548
01:11:04,323 --> 01:11:10,494
Who got you the trampoline that could poke your eye out?
1549
01:11:10,496 --> 01:11:11,995
I did.
1550
01:11:11,997 --> 01:11:13,797
And when you were in fifth grade
1551
01:11:13,799 --> 01:11:17,400
and you wanted to take karate lessons in Chinatown,
1552
01:11:17,402 --> 01:11:19,236
who drove you there three nights a week
1553
01:11:19,238 --> 01:11:24,040
and sat in the parking lot, all alone, in the dark?
1554
01:11:24,042 --> 01:11:26,042
I did.
1555
01:11:26,044 --> 01:11:27,277
And do you know why?
1556
01:11:27,279 --> 01:11:30,981
Because you're my son,
1557
01:11:30,983 --> 01:11:35,252
and I love you.
1558
01:11:35,254 --> 01:11:39,055
And how do you show your love for me?
1559
01:11:39,057 --> 01:11:42,292
You have doggy-style sex
with your Mongolian therapist
1560
01:11:42,294 --> 01:11:44,494
on your wedding day!
1561
01:11:44,496 --> 01:11:47,364
And then you say to me, "hey, mom,
1562
01:11:47,366 --> 01:11:53,036
I'm not sure if I want
to raise my kids Jewish."
1563
01:11:53,038 --> 01:11:55,972
Oh, Adam, that's fine!
That's fine, just--
1564
01:11:55,974 --> 01:12:01,411
- Mom, stop it!
- Just take it right now!
1565
01:12:05,250 --> 01:12:08,552
Oh, okay, Adam, so you're saying that
1566
01:12:08,554 --> 01:12:10,987
our entire time together meant nothing to you?
1567
01:12:10,989 --> 01:12:13,256
- We never hit you!
- We never fondled you!
1568
01:12:13,258 --> 01:12:16,293
I got le petite canyon for you!
1569
01:12:16,295 --> 01:12:18,461
Honey, honey, I think we dodged a bullet.
1570
01:12:18,463 --> 01:12:20,564
- Yeah, she seems nice.
- I mean,
1571
01:12:20,566 --> 01:12:22,232
you better get a good lawyer,
freak-boy,
1572
01:12:22,234 --> 01:12:28,038
- Okay, this.
This right here.
1573
01:12:28,040 --> 01:12:30,907
You want to know why I went nuts?
1574
01:12:30,909 --> 01:12:33,543
It's because all of you are nuts!
1575
01:12:33,545 --> 01:12:36,213
Hannah, I'm sorry that I can't marry you,
1576
01:12:36,215 --> 01:12:38,215
but it's better that we end this right now,
1577
01:12:38,217 --> 01:12:42,052
rather than dragging this on for a long fucking time.
1578
01:12:42,054 --> 01:12:44,554
And mom, I'm sorry that you had to do things
1579
01:12:44,556 --> 01:12:46,556
that you didn't want to do.
1580
01:12:46,558 --> 01:12:49,025
But you know what?
So did I.
1581
01:12:49,027 --> 01:12:52,629
I joined the family business and
became "the embroidery prince."
1582
01:12:52,631 --> 01:12:54,931
Well, how happy can a man be?
1583
01:12:54,933 --> 01:12:58,235
And to top it off, I've never
dated a woman who wasn't Jewish
1584
01:12:58,237 --> 01:13:00,303
my entire life.
Well, you know what?
1585
01:13:00,305 --> 01:13:02,239
I'm not doing things for you guys anymore, huh?
1586
01:13:02,241 --> 01:13:05,876
I'm doing things for me, because I love salad.
1587
01:13:05,878 --> 01:13:07,344
- Sala.
- Sala.
1588
01:13:07,346 --> 01:13:12,482
- And that's pretty cool.
1589
01:13:12,484 --> 01:13:14,251
I love you too.
1590
01:13:14,253 --> 01:13:17,087
Oh, God.
1591
01:13:17,089 --> 01:13:20,290
Are you gonna be paying by cash or check?
1592
01:13:22,326 --> 01:13:25,161
The dorsal slit allows a tight ring of phimotic skin
1593
01:13:25,163 --> 01:13:29,366
to be expanded by shortening the skin near the incision.
1594
01:13:29,368 --> 01:13:31,368
With this technique, the phimotic skin
1595
01:13:31,370 --> 01:13:34,037
is allowed to stay intact,
1596
01:13:34,039 --> 01:13:36,373
and finally, the neocrosing crush.
1597
01:13:36,375 --> 01:13:38,208
By using the Tara klamp,
1598
01:13:38,210 --> 01:13:40,310
the skin is crushed for around ten days,
1599
01:13:40,312 --> 01:13:43,113
until it suffocates and dies.
1600
01:13:43,115 --> 01:13:45,448
With this technique, the skin bonds
1601
01:13:45,450 --> 01:13:47,217
without needing sutures.
1602
01:13:47,219 --> 01:13:49,152
- Oh, this is tough, though.
- Yeah.
1603
01:13:49,154 --> 01:13:51,221
- I mean--I mean,
you gotta love the dorsal slit.
1604
01:13:51,223 --> 01:13:52,555
- Well.
- Right?
1605
01:13:52,557 --> 01:13:58,295
I got the widest variety of scarring options.
1606
01:13:58,297 --> 01:14:02,499
Honestly, I'm kind of partial to the temporary crush.
1607
01:14:02,501 --> 01:14:06,202
Of the sleeve resection, but you get that pump action
1608
01:14:06,204 --> 01:14:08,338
of the gomco device there.
- Yeah, yeah.
1609
01:14:08,340 --> 01:14:12,108
Plus, it reduces your smegma by, like, 75%.
1610
01:14:12,110 --> 01:14:13,109
- It does?
- Yeah.
1611
01:14:13,111 --> 01:14:15,045
Done, sold.
1612
01:14:15,047 --> 01:14:17,113
Going with the temporary crush, boy.
1613
01:14:17,115 --> 01:14:20,951
Snip-snip time,
Mr. O'Connell.
1614
01:14:20,953 --> 01:14:23,453
Oh.
- Whew.
1615
01:14:23,455 --> 01:14:26,556
- Is this your life partner?
- Who?
1616
01:14:26,558 --> 01:14:32,028
- Okay.
- Not that that's weird at all,
1617
01:14:32,030 --> 01:14:34,130
but just, you know.
- Okay, Mr. O'Connell.
1618
01:14:34,132 --> 01:14:36,533
So me going to turn this little knobby here on,
1619
01:14:36,535 --> 01:14:39,536
and you're going to just slowly drift away.
1620
01:14:39,538 --> 01:14:43,139
Me want you to breathe, relax, enjoy it.
1621
01:14:45,444 --> 01:14:47,010
- Breathe in, breathe in.
1622
01:14:47,012 --> 01:14:49,012
- I'm scared.
- You have nothin'
1623
01:14:49,014 --> 01:14:50,480
to be afraid of, boy.
1624
01:14:50,482 --> 01:14:52,282
Nurse boo is Goin' sing you a little ditty
1625
01:14:52,284 --> 01:14:54,551
and make you feel all better.
- Oh.
1626
01:14:54,553 --> 01:14:57,020
♪ When I was only eight days old ♪
1627
01:14:57,022 --> 01:15:00,357
♪ hurrah, hurrah ♪
♪ a-Billy Billy Billy bum ♪
1628
01:15:00,359 --> 01:15:04,294
♪ when I was only eight days old hurrah, hurrah ♪
1629
01:15:04,296 --> 01:15:05,695
- ♪ A-Billy Billy Bil-- ♪
- ♪ The moyil came ♪
1630
01:15:05,697 --> 01:15:09,532
♪ I thought he was going to take my life ♪
1631
01:15:09,534 --> 01:15:13,303
♪ but he only took a little bit off the top ♪
1632
01:15:13,305 --> 01:15:15,739
♪ a little bit off the top top, top ♪
1633
01:15:15,741 --> 01:15:17,507
♪ little bit off the top ♪
1634
01:15:19,277 --> 01:15:20,477
♪ Top ♪
1635
01:15:20,479 --> 01:15:21,778
oh.
1636
01:15:21,780 --> 01:15:27,650
Easy there,
Mr. O'Connell.
1637
01:15:27,652 --> 01:15:32,022
Next time, don't trust your circumcision to an hmo.
1638
01:15:38,797 --> 01:15:40,730
I think she's nice.
1639
01:15:40,732 --> 01:15:43,366
- I just--I can't believe
that you're doing all of this
1640
01:15:43,368 --> 01:15:45,668
just so you don't have to make any more decisions.
1641
01:15:45,670 --> 01:15:48,805
- Oh, Adam.
You don't get it.
1642
01:15:48,807 --> 01:15:51,207
All those things that you say drive you crazy, I love.
1643
01:15:51,209 --> 01:15:53,043
- Ah.
- I love that your parents
1644
01:15:53,045 --> 01:15:55,211
smother you.
I love that
1645
01:15:55,213 --> 01:15:58,782
if they hear about a tornado in Kansas, they call you,
1646
01:15:58,784 --> 01:16:01,117
even though you live in Los Angeles.
1647
01:16:01,119 --> 01:16:02,752
Yeah, we're very nervous people.
1648
01:16:02,754 --> 01:16:06,122
You email each other your itineraries
1649
01:16:06,124 --> 01:16:09,392
because--
because you never know.
1650
01:16:09,394 --> 01:16:11,227
You know?
- No.
1651
01:16:11,229 --> 01:16:13,763
You never know.
- Never know.
1652
01:16:13,765 --> 01:16:16,833
For the past 5,000 years, every civilization,
1653
01:16:16,835 --> 01:16:19,402
every culture has tried to have you guys annihilated.
1654
01:16:19,404 --> 01:16:21,704
- Yeah, we are not liked.
- I like you.
1655
01:16:21,706 --> 01:16:23,273
- Like, you're getting the...
1656
01:16:23,275 --> 01:16:29,145
- Now, Mohammed El-sheikh
El sheen El-sheikh is up here.
1657
01:16:29,147 --> 01:16:31,848
Now, he's gonna come up here,
and then, we got Mohammed--
1658
01:16:31,850 --> 01:16:34,084
- muhammad Ali?
- No.
1659
01:16:34,086 --> 01:16:37,153
- Stop that.
1660
01:16:37,155 --> 01:16:38,855
- O'Connell here.
Speak up!
1661
01:16:38,857 --> 01:16:40,557
Hi, daddy, it's your son, Christian!
1662
01:16:40,559 --> 01:16:43,660
I'm in Tahiti having myself a mai tai.
1663
01:16:43,662 --> 01:16:45,495
What in the hell do you think I'm doing?
1664
01:16:45,497 --> 01:16:49,265
Fighting terrorists, spreading democracy.
1665
01:16:49,267 --> 01:16:50,733
- Dad, guess what I'm doing?
Oh, I'm here
1666
01:16:50,735 --> 01:16:52,302
with Adam lipschitz.
You remember him?
1667
01:16:52,304 --> 01:16:54,204
- Adam lipschitz?
Didn't I order you
1668
01:16:54,206 --> 01:16:55,638
to stay away from that boy?
1669
01:16:55,640 --> 01:16:57,474
No, daddy, we're life partners.
1670
01:16:57,476 --> 01:16:59,309
No, sir, that's inaccurate, sir!
1671
01:16:59,311 --> 01:17:00,677
- Life partners?
Now, what the hell
1672
01:17:00,679 --> 01:17:03,713
- Means he's a homo, dad.
- What?
1673
01:17:03,715 --> 01:17:08,184
Yeah, we're here at the hospital, you know,
1674
01:17:08,186 --> 01:17:09,819
'cause I--he's with me
so I can get circum--
1675
01:17:09,821 --> 01:17:11,855
circumcised, sir.
- What--no, not for me, though.
1676
01:17:11,857 --> 01:17:13,490
Circumcised!
1677
01:17:13,492 --> 01:17:14,858
Circumcised?
1678
01:17:14,860 --> 01:17:16,526
Yeah, so I can be a Jew, daddy.
1679
01:17:16,528 --> 01:17:18,261
- You can be a--
a Jew?
1680
01:17:18,263 --> 01:17:19,896
Daddy, I want to tell you something too,
1681
01:17:19,898 --> 01:17:21,498
because I don't think I've ever told you this before.
1682
01:17:21,500 --> 01:17:24,267
We never say this, but I love you.
1683
01:17:24,269 --> 01:17:26,669
Daddy, I love you.
1684
01:17:26,671 --> 01:17:27,670
Hi.
1685
01:17:27,672 --> 01:17:29,405
Ow!
- Sorry.
1686
01:17:29,407 --> 01:17:30,807
- Ugh.
- You know, I'm glad
1687
01:17:30,809 --> 01:17:34,544
like something's missing.
1688
01:17:34,546 --> 01:17:36,513
- ♪ A little bit off the top ♪
- Ow.
1689
01:17:36,515 --> 01:17:39,249
- ♪ Top ♪
- ♪ Top ♪
1690
01:17:42,888 --> 01:17:45,188
Alison?
1691
01:17:47,491 --> 01:17:52,462
- Want to have sex?
- Mm... Not really.
1692
01:17:52,464 --> 01:17:53,463
- Go, go, go, go, go!
1693
01:17:53,465 --> 01:17:56,533
- Clear left!
- Clear right!
1694
01:17:56,535 --> 01:18:01,671
Didn't I order you to keep your son away from my son?
1695
01:18:01,673 --> 01:18:04,641
- Excuse me?
- Don't you play dumb with me,
1696
01:18:04,643 --> 01:18:06,242
shit-lives.
1697
01:18:06,244 --> 01:18:09,512
- Buck O'Connell?
- Oh, jeez!
1698
01:18:09,514 --> 01:18:14,951
Your Adam has turned my Christian into some gay Jew!
1699
01:18:14,953 --> 01:18:16,786
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Buck, slow down.
1700
01:18:16,788 --> 01:18:18,588
What are you talking about?
1701
01:18:18,590 --> 01:18:21,958
They're life partners.
1702
01:18:21,960 --> 01:18:24,427
Life partners?
1703
01:18:24,429 --> 01:18:27,263
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
What makes you think this?
1704
01:18:27,265 --> 01:18:29,332
He called and told me
1705
01:18:29,334 --> 01:18:32,502
while he was in hospital with your Adam
1706
01:18:32,504 --> 01:18:36,206
that he was about to get his pecker chopped
1707
01:18:36,208 --> 01:18:40,677
so they could be gay Jews together.
1708
01:18:40,679 --> 01:18:43,746
And then, he told me,
"dad, I love you."
1709
01:18:43,748 --> 01:18:47,584
What the hell is going on, huh?
1710
01:18:47,586 --> 01:18:52,455
Oh, Dennis, we pushed him too far, and he snapped.
1711
01:18:52,457 --> 01:18:53,923
With all the pressure that we put on him
1712
01:18:53,925 --> 01:18:56,426
to marry a Jewish girl, the Asian wasn't enough,
1713
01:18:56,428 --> 01:18:59,862
and--and--and he--
he went the other way.
1714
01:18:59,864 --> 01:19:02,732
Oh, God.
- Okay, Buck, first of all,
1715
01:19:02,734 --> 01:19:06,436
- Whoa, hey, hey, hey, whoa.
- Take it easy, old man.
1716
01:19:06,438 --> 01:19:09,939
I'm having a hard time believing any of this.
1717
01:19:09,941 --> 01:19:13,810
- Oh, yeah?
Then where's your boy right now?
1718
01:19:13,812 --> 01:19:15,878
- Buddy, I'm so happy you're here,
1719
01:19:15,880 --> 01:19:21,351
- Yeah, please.
- I gotta be honest,
1720
01:19:21,353 --> 01:19:25,321
And how many times a day do you have to do it?
1721
01:19:25,323 --> 01:19:27,323
- Oh!
Really, I can't do this myself.
1722
01:19:27,325 --> 01:19:28,992
Please, come and do it.
- God.
1723
01:19:28,994 --> 01:19:30,760
- Come on, just help me.
- Okay.
1724
01:19:30,762 --> 01:19:32,829
- Come here.
Put some of that jelly on it,
1725
01:19:32,831 --> 01:19:34,831
and let's get going.
- Okay.
1726
01:19:34,833 --> 01:19:37,500
I may gag a little
as we're going here, but--
1727
01:19:37,502 --> 01:19:38,701
- that's okay.
- Oh, God.
1728
01:19:38,703 --> 01:19:40,870
Everyone gags.
1729
01:19:40,872 --> 01:19:42,505
- Ugh.
- Everyone gags.
1730
01:19:42,507 --> 01:19:45,642
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh-hoo-hoo.
- Oh.
1731
01:19:45,644 --> 01:19:47,343
- Oh, that's good, that's good.
- Ugh.
1732
01:19:49,014 --> 01:19:50,314
I'm actually really happy that you went
1733
01:19:50,315 --> 01:19:53,316
- Really, how's it look?
- Yeah, it looks really good.
1734
01:19:53,318 --> 01:19:54,951
More vaseline, more vaseline.
1735
01:19:54,953 --> 01:19:56,653
- Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
- Clear!
1736
01:19:57,856 --> 01:19:59,389
- Oh, God!
What?
1737
01:19:59,391 --> 01:20:00,990
- Ten-hut!
- Drop...
1738
01:20:00,992 --> 01:20:05,795
The petroleum jelly, and back away from my son's anus.
1739
01:20:05,797 --> 01:20:08,631
Holy shit.
1740
01:20:08,633 --> 01:20:10,533
I knew it.
- Don't shoot him, dad.
1741
01:20:10,535 --> 01:20:11,634
- Mom?
- Adam.
1742
01:20:11,636 --> 01:20:12,669
- Dad?
- Damn it, Adam,
1743
01:20:12,671 --> 01:20:14,537
jelly's for toast!
1744
01:20:16,407 --> 01:20:19,909
Alison, I'm not a Jew, and I'm not a doctor,
1745
01:20:19,911 --> 01:20:21,477
and my name is not Avi Rosenberg.
1746
01:20:21,479 --> 01:20:23,379
Well, then who the hell are you?
1747
01:20:23,381 --> 01:20:25,948
I'm Christian thadius Reginald mcarthur O'Connell.
1748
01:20:25,950 --> 01:20:31,421
I begged my friend Adam here to help me
1749
01:20:31,423 --> 01:20:35,358
pass myself off as a Jew so that
you'd be able to date me.
1750
01:20:35,360 --> 01:20:36,926
Penis club?
1751
01:20:36,928 --> 01:20:39,329
- Alison, how's it going.
Marcy.
1752
01:20:39,331 --> 01:20:40,563
Don't you even look at me.
1753
01:20:40,565 --> 01:20:42,432
- Rabbi, I'm so sorry.
- You.
1754
01:20:42,434 --> 01:20:44,367
- "Penis club"?
- Before Adam came along,
1755
01:20:44,369 --> 01:20:47,503
I watched nascar, and I had the heads of dead animals
1756
01:20:47,505 --> 01:20:51,674
and I had no idea that when you
order a salad at a restaurant
1757
01:20:51,676 --> 01:20:53,676
you can order the dressing
on the side--
1758
01:20:53,678 --> 01:20:56,112
let alone custom-create
your own dishes off the menu.
1759
01:20:56,114 --> 01:20:58,848
Hell are you talking about?
I fed you Caesar salad.
1760
01:20:58,850 --> 01:21:01,818
- Jews can custom-create
their own dishes off the menu.
1761
01:21:01,820 --> 01:21:04,020
They're always up to something.
1762
01:21:04,022 --> 01:21:05,588
I can hear you!
1763
01:21:05,590 --> 01:21:07,056
That's why I messed up our date so bad,
1764
01:21:07,058 --> 01:21:09,392
'cause I wasn't being myself.
1765
01:21:09,394 --> 01:21:11,028
And then Adam told me the only way I'm ever gonna
1766
01:21:11,029 --> 01:21:13,730
be able get you back is if I could convince your mom
1767
01:21:13,732 --> 01:21:15,398
that I was the greatest guy in the world.
1768
01:21:15,400 --> 01:21:17,367
So that's why I poisoned your dad
1769
01:21:17,369 --> 01:21:20,737
with the rotten gefilte fish, because I wanted
1770
01:21:20,739 --> 01:21:22,772
to partner with your mom in the bridge tournament.
1771
01:21:22,774 --> 01:21:28,411
All right, we finally beat the fleischmans, schlomy,
1772
01:21:28,413 --> 01:21:32,548
Was there ever a medical conference in Dallas?
1773
01:21:32,550 --> 01:21:33,950
No, I just needed time
1774
01:21:33,952 --> 01:21:35,618
to recover from the circumcision.
1775
01:21:35,620 --> 01:21:37,019
- Oh!
- Oh, Jesus!
1776
01:21:37,021 --> 01:21:39,989
I wouldn't mind having circus vision.
1777
01:21:39,991 --> 01:21:41,724
Why would you do all that?
1778
01:21:41,726 --> 01:21:45,795
- Because I love you.
Alison, I love you.
1779
01:21:50,801 --> 01:21:52,535
Oh.
1780
01:21:55,006 --> 01:21:58,541
And I want--I want you to make
every decision for me
1781
01:21:58,543 --> 01:22:00,676
for the rest of my life.
Will you do that?
1782
01:22:00,678 --> 01:22:03,813
So I'm just supposed to forget
about everything you just said
1783
01:22:03,815 --> 01:22:05,815
because you love me?
1784
01:22:05,817 --> 01:22:07,717
Yes, please.
1785
01:22:07,719 --> 01:22:13,689
Son, stop this hollering and just propose to the girl.
1786
01:22:13,691 --> 01:22:17,627
Don't put the tongue in.
1787
01:22:19,997 --> 01:22:22,064
Well, that haircut is awful,
1788
01:22:22,066 --> 01:22:24,567
so let me make an appointment for you with my guy,
1789
01:22:24,569 --> 01:22:26,469
'cause he's the best.
1790
01:22:26,471 --> 01:22:28,070
I should take that as a "yes," huh?
1791
01:22:28,072 --> 01:22:30,573
- Yes.
- I'll take that as a "yes."
1792
01:22:30,575 --> 01:22:33,643
- Oh.
- Mazel tov.
1793
01:22:33,645 --> 01:22:36,512
- Oh.
Schlomy, we've got a plumber.
1794
01:22:36,514 --> 01:22:40,850
Christian thadius Reginald
mcarthur O'Connell... Rosenberg.
1795
01:22:40,852 --> 01:22:43,986
Now, that's a nice Jewish name.
1796
01:22:46,590 --> 01:22:49,759
We are so thrilled that you finally decided
1797
01:22:49,761 --> 01:22:51,227
to come on a moose hunt with us.
1798
01:22:51,229 --> 01:22:53,463
- I can't wait
to kill me a ten-pointer.
1799
01:22:53,465 --> 01:22:54,697
I'm gonna skin him and gut him
1800
01:22:54,699 --> 01:22:56,132
and pull out his rectum.
- Shh.
1801
01:22:56,134 --> 01:22:57,900
- That's the spirit.
- Nobody is pulling out
1802
01:22:57,902 --> 01:23:03,539
Think of it, e coli.
- You could be more--
1803
01:23:03,541 --> 01:23:05,007
- you could get bacterium.
1804
01:23:05,009 --> 01:23:07,009
There are no wipes here that I can see.
1805
01:23:07,011 --> 01:23:11,080
- Shut up!
Stop the kvetching.
1806
01:23:11,082 --> 01:23:13,749
Marcy, yarmulke man, take a knee.
1807
01:23:13,751 --> 01:23:16,018
Knee?
1808
01:23:16,020 --> 01:23:18,688
Oy, cramp.
- Careful.
1809
01:23:18,690 --> 01:23:20,523
Not like that!
1810
01:23:20,525 --> 01:23:23,659
For God's sake.
Shh.
1811
01:23:23,661 --> 01:23:27,930
I remember when my father took me out for my first hunt.
1812
01:23:27,932 --> 01:23:29,832
We all fought like crazy
1813
01:23:29,834 --> 01:23:31,634
over who's gonna be the lucky one
1814
01:23:31,636 --> 01:23:33,870
to pull out that rectum.
- Ah.
1815
01:23:33,872 --> 01:23:35,605
- That's what they do.
- Oh, thank you.
1816
01:23:35,607 --> 01:23:38,274
- Nog, baby?
- Damn right.
1817
01:23:38,276 --> 01:23:41,978
- Nog, baby?
- Oh, daddy loves mama's nog.
1818
01:23:41,980 --> 01:23:44,046
- Nog, baby?
1819
01:23:44,048 --> 01:23:46,616
I'm not really much of a nog guy.
1820
01:23:46,618 --> 01:23:49,886
You know, the dairy kind of makes my acid reflux kick in,
1821
01:23:49,888 --> 01:23:51,787
and I'm not even sure if the eggs are cage free,
1822
01:23:51,789 --> 01:23:56,158
one sip won't kill me, I guess.
1823
01:23:56,160 --> 01:23:59,295
- Nog, baby?
- Oh, yeah.
1824
01:24:03,000 --> 01:24:04,100
- Moose!
1825
01:24:04,102 --> 01:24:05,835
Moose!
1826
01:24:05,837 --> 01:24:06,936
- Moose!
- Oh, yeah!
1827
01:24:11,074 --> 01:24:16,045
Nar nuteng and jebei n whatever,
1828
01:24:16,047 --> 01:24:18,214
my wife and I, we want to thank you for your hospitality
1829
01:24:18,216 --> 01:24:20,550
and for these beautiful hats.
- Oh.
1830
01:24:25,156 --> 01:24:26,856
My father says it's an honor
1831
01:24:26,858 --> 01:24:29,892
and they've learned a great deal of wisdom
1832
01:24:29,894 --> 01:24:31,127
from all of you this week.
1833
01:24:31,129 --> 01:24:32,795
Thank you, thank you.
1834
01:24:35,199 --> 01:24:37,233
My mother says you're gonna love the fried marmot.
1835
01:24:37,235 --> 01:24:39,835
It's a speciality.
- Oh, Dennis, did you hear that?
1836
01:24:39,837 --> 01:24:44,840
I can have fried food once every few months.
1837
01:24:44,842 --> 01:24:47,843
That you shouldn't have
fried food, I just--
1838
01:24:54,686 --> 01:24:56,652
- Just eat what they order.
- But I--why?
1839
01:24:56,654 --> 01:25:01,324
- We're not even kosher.
Why do you care?
1840
01:25:13,737 --> 01:25:16,739
♪ I had a dream ♪
1841
01:25:16,741 --> 01:25:20,676
♪ where we saw everyone with a smile on their face ♪
1842
01:25:20,678 --> 01:25:24,146
♪ oh, I had a dream ♪
1843
01:25:24,148 --> 01:25:29,118
♪ of a day when our love ♪
♪ took the place of our... ♪
1844
01:25:36,126 --> 01:25:38,160
I was depressed.
1845
01:25:38,162 --> 01:25:40,696
I was self-conscious.
1846
01:25:40,698 --> 01:25:43,065
I realized
that my God-given vagina
1847
01:25:43,067 --> 01:25:46,102
wasn't the vag I wanted God to give me.
1848
01:25:46,104 --> 01:25:48,304
- Hi.
I'm Dr. Bill Ginsburg,
1849
01:25:48,306 --> 01:25:50,740
founder of vagina beautiful.
1850
01:25:50,742 --> 01:25:52,642
Our state-of-the-art
surgical procedures
1851
01:25:52,644 --> 01:25:57,213
will transform your va-va-blah
into a va-va-LA.
1852
01:25:57,215 --> 01:26:01,117
Call now for you free,
no-obligation, color book,
1853
01:26:01,119 --> 01:26:03,653
featuring my original designs.
1854
01:26:03,655 --> 01:26:05,888
Our team of expert vaginacologists
1855
01:26:05,890 --> 01:26:10,660
will transform your caterpillar into a butterfly.
1856
01:26:10,662 --> 01:26:13,062
Dr. ginsburg
turned my grand canyon
1857
01:26:13,064 --> 01:26:18,067
into le petite canyon, and forever changed my life.
1858
01:26:18,069 --> 01:26:21,871
In fact, I was such a satisfied client...
1859
01:26:21,873 --> 01:26:24,974
That I became one of the doctors here.
1860
01:26:24,976 --> 01:26:27,009
And my wife.
1861
01:26:27,011 --> 01:26:31,013
Gift yourself the vag that you deserve.
1862
01:26:31,015 --> 01:26:33,683
Don't let your labia interfere with your life.
1863
01:26:38,989 --> 01:26:41,857
♪ Oh, sweet love ♪
1864
01:26:41,859 --> 01:26:45,895
- ♪ there was ♪
- ♪ Peace and harmony ♪
1865
01:26:45,897 --> 01:26:49,198
- ♪ whoa ♪
- ♪ Oh, sweet love ♪
1866
01:26:49,200 --> 01:26:53,335
- ♪ yeah, yeah ♪
- ♪ Peace and harmony ♪
1867
01:26:53,337 --> 01:26:56,972
♪ yeah I had a dream ♪
1868
01:26:56,974 --> 01:27:01,711
♪ not a dream for myself ♪
♪ but for all of Jew-kind ♪
1869
01:27:01,713 --> 01:27:04,346
♪ I had a dream ♪
1870
01:27:04,348 --> 01:27:07,750
♪ I saw Jesus and Moses singing gospel ♪
1871
01:27:07,752 --> 01:27:09,085
♪ all together now ♪
1872
01:27:09,087 --> 01:27:12,088
♪ oh, sweet love ♪
1873
01:27:12,090 --> 01:27:15,391
- ♪ oh, oh, oh ♪
- ♪ Peace and harmony ♪
1874
01:27:15,393 --> 01:27:19,161
- ♪ oh, they were ♪
- ♪ Oh, sweet love ♪
1875
01:27:19,163 --> 01:27:23,365
- ♪ yeah ♪
- ♪ Peace and harmony ♪
1876
01:27:23,367 --> 01:27:25,101
♪ whoa ♪
1877
01:27:25,103 --> 01:27:28,938
♪ Jews and asians walking hand in hand ♪
1878
01:27:28,940 --> 01:27:32,742
♪ smoking schiksas with a Jewish man ♪
1879
01:27:32,744 --> 01:27:35,511
♪ even Moses gotta lend a hand ♪
1880
01:27:35,513 --> 01:27:39,014
♪ I'm thinking love shalom, shalom ♪
1881
01:27:39,016 --> 01:27:42,017
♪ I had a dream ♪
1882
01:27:42,019 --> 01:27:46,355
♪ where I saw every Jew ♪
♪ paying retail guilt-free ♪
1883
01:27:46,357 --> 01:27:49,391
♪ I had a dream ♪
1884
01:27:49,393 --> 01:27:53,496
♪ where I saw every gentile order dressing on the side ♪
1885
01:27:53,498 --> 01:27:56,866
♪ yeah ♪
- ♪ Oh, sweet love ♪
1886
01:27:56,868 --> 01:28:00,136
- ♪ they were ♪
- ♪ Peace and harmony ♪
1887
01:28:00,138 --> 01:28:01,470
♪ I want to tell you about it ♪
1888
01:28:01,472 --> 01:28:04,206
♪ oh, sweet love ♪
1889
01:28:04,208 --> 01:28:07,276
- ♪ yeah ♪
- ♪ Peace and harmony ♪
1890
01:28:07,278 --> 01:28:09,145
♪ all together now ♪
1891
01:28:09,147 --> 01:28:11,847
♪ oh, sweet love ♪
1892
01:28:11,849 --> 01:28:15,818
- ♪ whoa-ho ♪
- ♪ Peace and harmony ♪
1893
01:28:15,820 --> 01:28:19,188
- ♪ sweet love ♪
- ♪ Oh, sweet love ♪
1894
01:28:19,190 --> 01:28:23,259
- ♪ yeah ♪
- ♪ Peace and harmony ♪
1895
01:28:23,261 --> 01:28:27,830
- ♪ Whoo ♪
- ♪ Oh, sweet love ♪
1896
01:28:27,832 --> 01:28:31,433
♪ peace and harmony ♪
1897
01:28:31,435 --> 01:28:35,204
- ♪ oh, sweet love ♪
1898
01:28:35,206 --> 01:28:40,009
♪ Peace and harmony ♪
140193
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