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1
00:00:02,723 --> 00:00:04,191
Why do I seem annoyed?
2
00:00:04,259 --> 00:00:07,761
Let's see... Instead of savoring
this espresso, this cigarette,
3
00:00:07,828 --> 00:00:10,130
and the exactly four minutes
of free time I have today,
4
00:00:10,198 --> 00:00:12,299
I'm talking to you cockwits.
5
00:00:12,367 --> 00:00:13,300
What else?
6
00:00:13,368 --> 00:00:16,248
Oh, tonight I'm doing a special seating
for a bunch of diplomats from the
7
00:00:16,304 --> 00:00:18,071
State Department and Albania.
8
00:00:18,139 --> 00:00:21,141
So not only do I have to create a
meal out of yogurt and a goddamn
9
00:00:21,209 --> 00:00:23,510
sheep's head, apparently there's
been some vague security
10
00:00:23,577 --> 00:00:27,247
threat, so my highly-trained staff...
has been infiltrated!
11
00:00:27,315 --> 00:00:29,383
- Sorry...
- By Shithead Squadron.
12
00:00:29,450 --> 00:00:33,186
Just need to grab some menus, for--
the camera, why is there a camera?
13
00:00:33,254 --> 00:00:35,989
I assume because this restaurant
can't hold three million viewers?
14
00:00:36,057 --> 00:00:36,924
Two-point-eight.
15
00:00:36,991 --> 00:00:38,725
Because it's
not promoted properly!
16
00:00:38,793 --> 00:00:40,227
This is gonna be televised?!
17
00:00:40,295 --> 00:00:41,995
Yeah, the
show's called Bastard Chef?
18
00:00:42,063 --> 00:00:44,064
Mm. Scuse me.
19
00:00:44,132 --> 00:00:45,632
Thank you, giraffe-lady!
20
00:00:45,699 --> 00:00:49,436
Anyway, those ISIS idiots are doing
security, and for some inexplicable reason
21
00:00:49,503 --> 00:00:52,839
they have to do that undercover, so-
22
00:00:54,000 --> 00:01:00,074
Everyone is intimidated by a shark. Become
a Card Shark AMERICASCARDROOM.COM
23
00:01:05,119 --> 00:01:05,852
Whoops.
24
00:01:05,920 --> 00:01:08,655
That's probably
why I seem annoyed.
25
00:01:08,722 --> 00:01:10,590
Let's go Chet, c'mon, chop chop.
26
00:01:10,658 --> 00:01:13,093
You're the one who dropped
it, why do I have to clean it up?
27
00:01:13,161 --> 00:01:16,796
Because you're the garçon de
cuisine, which means kitchen boy, whereas
28
00:01:16,864 --> 00:01:20,700
I am the sous chef, which means shut
your face and mop up the damn yogurt.
29
00:01:20,768 --> 00:01:22,169
And why do you
get to be sous chef?
30
00:01:22,236 --> 00:01:24,938
Because I have
fine dining experience!
31
00:01:25,006 --> 00:01:26,239
I used to own a restaurant.
32
00:01:26,307 --> 00:01:27,607
It was a burger joint!
33
00:01:27,675 --> 00:01:28,241
Cyril?
34
00:01:28,309 --> 00:01:29,609
I mean Chet?
35
00:01:29,677 --> 00:01:30,610
Archer?
36
00:01:30,678 --> 00:01:31,378
She means Randy.
37
00:01:31,446 --> 00:01:32,479
Can I borrow you?
38
00:01:32,546 --> 00:01:34,681
Sure, Mitzi.
39
00:01:34,748 --> 00:01:36,483
My name is not Mitzi.
40
00:01:36,550 --> 00:01:37,050
Walk-in.
41
00:01:37,118 --> 00:01:37,851
Now.
42
00:01:37,918 --> 00:01:39,586
Yeah, I got time for a quickie.
43
00:01:39,653 --> 00:01:40,620
Wait, a what?
44
00:01:40,688 --> 00:01:41,888
Arch -- Randy!
45
00:01:41,956 --> 00:01:44,391
Whoaaa, whoaaa... ungh!
46
00:01:45,259 --> 00:01:46,926
You guys can edit that out, right?
47
00:01:46,995 --> 00:01:47,760
Yes.
48
00:01:47,828 --> 00:01:49,729
But we won't.
49
00:01:49,797 --> 00:01:53,766
So, quick question, do you think
it's a good idea to be talking to a
50
00:01:53,834 --> 00:01:54,468
TV crew when we're undercover?
51
00:01:54,535 --> 00:01:58,938
Fake names, duh, follow-up question,
do you know how TV actually works?
52
00:01:59,007 --> 00:01:59,725
I --
53
00:01:59,845 --> 00:02:02,845
They're not gonna broadcast
this episode in this restaurant tonight!
54
00:02:02,877 --> 00:02:03,643
Wait, are you guys?
55
00:02:03,711 --> 00:02:06,279
No, we --
Like a closed-circuit deal, or...?
56
00:02:06,347 --> 00:02:07,047
No.
57
00:02:07,115 --> 00:02:10,283
Because come to think of it, I
don't know how TV actually works either.
58
00:02:10,351 --> 00:02:11,472
How about geopolitics?
59
00:02:11,486 --> 00:02:14,021
- Eh...
- Because if anything goes wrong tonight,
60
00:02:14,088 --> 00:02:17,690
US-Albanian relations could
become even more unstable, so --
61
00:02:17,758 --> 00:02:18,691
What the shit?!
62
00:02:18,759 --> 00:02:21,428
Speaking of unstable --
that guy is a powder keg.
63
00:02:21,496 --> 00:02:26,033
Why is there yogurt frickin'
soup all over my spotless frickin' kitchen?!
64
00:02:26,100 --> 00:02:26,566
Randy did it.
65
00:02:26,634 --> 00:02:31,104
Whoa whoa, first of all, no I didn't,
and second, these bowls are the worst!
66
00:02:31,172 --> 00:02:34,083
Look, they're
like, totally slipper--
67
00:03:21,890 --> 00:03:23,590
Seize, please hold.
68
00:03:23,660 --> 00:03:24,790
Seize, please hold.
69
00:03:24,860 --> 00:03:26,230
Seizepleasehold seizepleasehold!
70
00:03:26,300 --> 00:03:26,940
seizepleasehold!
71
00:03:26,960 --> 00:03:28,100
Rrrg!
72
00:03:28,160 --> 00:03:28,760
What're you doing?
73
00:03:28,830 --> 00:03:31,330
Well I'll tell you what I'm not doing --
Besides your job?
74
00:03:31,400 --> 00:03:34,300
My job, is --
Answering the damn phone.
75
00:03:34,370 --> 00:03:38,040
A task so simple that if the health department
should let me, I'd have a monkey do it.
76
00:03:38,110 --> 00:03:38,610
Why?
77
00:03:38,610 --> 00:03:40,010
No, I was
obviously being facetious.
78
00:03:40,080 --> 00:03:41,710
I would never allow a
monkey in my restaurant.
79
00:03:41,780 --> 00:03:44,510
Except maybe in the form of an
exquisitely prepared entrée.
80
00:03:44,580 --> 00:03:48,550
No, I mean you're booked solid for...
Holy shit, the next ten months?
81
00:03:48,620 --> 00:03:50,390
So why even bother answering the phone?
82
00:03:50,450 --> 00:03:51,990
To tell people
they can't eat here.
83
00:03:52,050 --> 00:03:53,850
So, to drive
people away, basically.
84
00:03:53,920 --> 00:03:54,960
Those people.
85
00:03:55,020 --> 00:03:57,060
That's not even the real phone
number for reservations.
86
00:03:57,130 --> 00:03:57,830
I'm sorry?
87
00:03:57,890 --> 00:03:59,090
The real number's a secret.
88
00:03:59,160 --> 00:04:01,330
Closely guarded by people
I deem acceptable.
89
00:04:01,400 --> 00:04:04,930
So, just so I'm clear, instead
of assessing the security needs for
90
00:04:05,000 --> 00:04:07,740
tonight, I'm answering phone calls
from people who aren't good enough
91
00:04:07,800 --> 00:04:09,270
to eat here in the first place.
92
00:04:09,340 --> 00:04:13,970
Yeah, so try to sound
apologetic, but not, ya know, overly so.
93
00:04:14,040 --> 00:04:14,640
Seize.
94
00:04:14,710 --> 00:04:17,550
I'm sorry, we have nothing
available for the next ten months.
95
00:04:17,610 --> 00:04:19,850
Mmmkaybye.
96
00:04:19,920 --> 00:04:21,050
Keep trying.
97
00:04:21,120 --> 00:04:22,480
Ugh, why?
98
00:04:22,550 --> 00:04:23,950
Besides I said so?
99
00:04:24,020 --> 00:04:25,050
They're booked.
100
00:04:25,120 --> 00:04:26,920
If I'd known I couldn't
get a table I'd have never
101
00:04:26,990 --> 00:04:28,820
agreed to do security!
102
00:04:28,890 --> 00:04:30,490
Why do they need security anyway?
103
00:04:30,560 --> 00:04:34,600
There was a... threat, of
some sort, it's all rather vague,
104
00:04:34,660 --> 00:04:37,430
but when those State
Department dweebs see just
105
00:04:37,500 --> 00:04:43,240
how good ISIS really is, mark my words...
one day soon we'll be a major player.
106
00:04:45,310 --> 00:04:45,740
What.
107
00:04:45,810 --> 00:04:48,540
- No, you know, just...
- You say
108
00:04:48,610 --> 00:04:50,610
that like you believe it.
109
00:04:50,680 --> 00:04:51,550
Wh-? Hey!
110
00:04:51,610 --> 00:04:52,650
Get me a table.
111
00:04:52,720 --> 00:04:59,490
Or the fish gets it.
112
00:05:00,860 --> 00:05:01,890
Jesus, what's the big deal?
113
00:05:01,960 --> 00:05:07,660
That's my fish,
his name's Jermaaaine!
114
00:05:07,730 --> 00:05:08,630
Oh.
115
00:05:08,700 --> 00:05:10,160
I thought he was just your food.
116
00:05:10,230 --> 00:05:11,300
Food?!
117
00:05:11,370 --> 00:05:13,430
We're not making food, people!
118
00:05:13,500 --> 00:05:14,840
We are creating cuisine!
119
00:05:14,900 --> 00:05:16,700
Food is what a dog eats!
120
00:05:16,770 --> 00:05:17,710
Or a tourist!
121
00:05:17,770 --> 00:05:19,510
Wait, a dog ate a tourist?
122
00:05:19,580 --> 00:05:20,110
What!
123
00:05:20,180 --> 00:05:22,080
That was ambiguously worded!
124
00:05:22,140 --> 00:05:23,040
Gnfgh!
125
00:05:23,110 --> 00:05:24,410
Was that ambiguous?!
126
00:05:24,480 --> 00:05:25,280
Why?
127
00:05:25,350 --> 00:05:26,980
Are you antagonizing him?
128
00:05:27,050 --> 00:05:30,550
Cyril, c'mon,
it's my nature. See?
129
00:05:30,620 --> 00:05:31,890
Yeah, kinda!
130
00:05:31,950 --> 00:05:32,990
Well how about this?!
131
00:05:33,050 --> 00:05:33,720
Gnfgh!
132
00:05:33,790 --> 00:05:36,190
Plus he can't aim for shit,
he's pulling everything to the right.
133
00:05:36,260 --> 00:05:38,830
And if you can't turn that
into promo gold, you should honestly
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00:05:38,890 --> 00:05:40,160
consider suicide.
135
00:05:40,230 --> 00:05:41,560
Hang on, there's a bumper.
136
00:05:41,630 --> 00:05:43,230
Now prep, you [BEEEEEP] maggots!
137
00:05:43,300 --> 00:05:45,970
And then bleep out [BEEEEEP], since
Darlene won't let me say that.
138
00:05:46,030 --> 00:05:48,900
But seriously guys, we do have
a lot of food to prep, so...
139
00:05:48,970 --> 00:05:52,610
Uh, the food's splattered
all over the wall and floor and...
140
00:05:52,670 --> 00:05:55,380
Chet here, so --
So scoop it into a bowl.
141
00:05:55,440 --> 00:05:58,950
Nobody'll know, it's Albanian glop,
the entrée's a frickin sheep face.
142
00:05:59,010 --> 00:06:02,020
I value all cultures equally highly.
143
00:06:02,080 --> 00:06:03,980
Should you be smoking in here?
144
00:06:04,050 --> 00:06:05,750
Should you be flaming in here?
145
00:06:05,820 --> 00:06:08,420
- Ya know...
- Boom! Bumper!
146
00:06:08,490 --> 00:06:11,060
He's just such a... bastard!
147
00:06:11,130 --> 00:06:12,030
Wh-?
148
00:06:12,090 --> 00:06:13,590
And that's not my name!
149
00:06:13,660 --> 00:06:14,730
Yeah, "Child-Murderer"
150
00:06:14,800 --> 00:06:19,330
shouldn't be hyphenated, that makes it
seem like he's a murderer who's also a child.
151
00:06:19,400 --> 00:06:22,100
Actually no, it doesn't --
Actually yes, it does.
152
00:06:22,170 --> 00:06:26,170
"Publicity whore" isn't hyphenated, so why--
Why the shit?!
153
00:06:26,240 --> 00:06:26,810
Are you maggots!
154
00:06:26,880 --> 00:06:28,280
Not prepping?!
155
00:06:28,340 --> 00:06:30,480
I -- wait, are
you doing a bumper?
156
00:06:30,550 --> 00:06:34,720
Coming up, on Bastard Chef!
157
00:06:34,780 --> 00:06:36,050
Aaaaaagh!
158
00:06:36,120 --> 00:06:38,220
Aaaaaaagh!
159
00:06:38,290 --> 00:06:40,250
I have seriously
never been happier.
160
00:06:40,320 --> 00:06:42,460
Aaaaaagh!
161
00:06:42,520 --> 00:06:44,220
Boom, bumper.
162
00:06:52,200 --> 00:06:54,330
Wait, so
what'd Malory say exactly?
163
00:06:54,400 --> 00:06:56,900
I -- she said "credible threat."
164
00:06:56,970 --> 00:06:59,840
I know, but what kind of credible --
Cyr -- Chet!
165
00:06:59,910 --> 00:07:00,910
I need those onions!
166
00:07:00,970 --> 00:07:02,340
Yes, chef!
167
00:07:02,410 --> 00:07:02,740
Ha!
168
00:07:02,810 --> 00:07:03,910
He has to call me chef.
169
00:07:03,980 --> 00:07:06,410
How and why are you enjoying this?
170
00:07:06,480 --> 00:07:09,950
Well for one
thing I'm pretty drunk.
171
00:07:10,020 --> 00:07:13,090
And besides bartending in Polynesia,
I've never had a real job, so --
172
00:07:13,150 --> 00:07:14,250
Wait, never?
173
00:07:14,320 --> 00:07:18,360
Uh... oh, when I was ten I
asked if I could sell "Grit" door to
174
00:07:18,430 --> 00:07:20,830
door, so I could win some
of those x-ray specs?
175
00:07:20,890 --> 00:07:22,360
But Mother said they were fake.
176
00:07:22,430 --> 00:07:24,130
And also that I'd get raped and murdered.
177
00:07:24,200 --> 00:07:26,430
It is like peeling
an onion with you.
178
00:07:26,500 --> 00:07:27,370
Right?
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00:07:27,430 --> 00:07:27,930
Oh wait.
180
00:07:28,000 --> 00:07:28,500
Chet!
181
00:07:28,540 --> 00:07:30,500
Onions!
182
00:07:30,570 --> 00:07:31,400
Here.
183
00:07:31,470 --> 00:07:34,840
What dish are they going in?
184
00:07:34,910 --> 00:07:36,110
Oh eat a dick!
185
00:07:36,180 --> 00:07:38,010
That's eat a dick, chef!
186
00:07:38,080 --> 00:07:41,050
And for a third thing, I think I
actually might be good at this.
187
00:07:41,110 --> 00:07:42,710
Okay, yeah,
nice technique, Randy.
188
00:07:42,780 --> 00:07:43,820
Thank you, chef.
189
00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:45,250
Want me to prep the 'shrooms?
190
00:07:45,320 --> 00:07:46,950
No I got these,
you do the aubergines.
191
00:07:47,020 --> 00:07:47,690
Right away, chef.
192
00:07:47,750 --> 00:07:52,620
If Chet gets his incompetent thumb
out of his equally incompetent ass!
193
00:07:52,690 --> 00:07:55,530
Nice, yes, that
is excellent A.B.B.A.B.
194
00:07:55,600 --> 00:07:56,800
Always Be
Berating And Belittling.
195
00:07:56,860 --> 00:07:57,460
And you.
196
00:07:57,530 --> 00:08:03,670
Time to lean, time to get your
distracting tits off my line.
197
00:08:03,740 --> 00:08:04,970
Hey, is something burning?
198
00:08:05,040 --> 00:08:07,710
Oh wait, it's you, because
you just got burned.
199
00:08:07,770 --> 00:08:10,380
I -- oh my God,
you admire that dick.
200
00:08:10,440 --> 00:08:11,770
He's a master chef, Lana.
201
00:08:11,810 --> 00:08:15,210
Which turns out is not nearly as
gay a job as I thought it was.
202
00:08:15,280 --> 00:08:17,850
I mean it's no secret agent,
but it's way above architect.
203
00:08:17,920 --> 00:08:21,250
Speaking, of secret agent, at some
point before the restaurant is full
204
00:08:21,320 --> 00:08:24,590
of diplomats, I'd love to go over the--
Menu, I know, let's --
205
00:08:24,660 --> 00:08:25,720
Plan!
206
00:08:25,790 --> 00:08:27,130
On going over the menu, yes.
207
00:08:27,190 --> 00:08:30,660
Get child murderer Gilles de Rais in
here and I'll walk you through it.
208
00:08:30,730 --> 00:08:32,860
Answer the
goddamn phone, woman!
209
00:08:32,930 --> 00:08:34,630
Seriously,
Mitzi, how hard is that?
210
00:08:34,700 --> 00:08:36,240
Rrgh!
211
00:08:36,300 --> 00:08:38,000
Now nobody's picking up!
212
00:08:38,070 --> 00:08:39,870
A monkey could do this stupid job!
213
00:08:39,940 --> 00:08:41,670
And yet
I pay you to do it.
214
00:08:41,740 --> 00:08:43,380
Oh, so now I'm a monkey?!
215
00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:47,250
No, because a monkey--
Hoo ooo ooo
216
00:08:47,310 --> 00:08:49,080
ooo eee eee eee eee!
217
00:08:49,150 --> 00:08:50,220
What is this, Spain?
218
00:08:50,280 --> 00:08:55,470
I mean, it is
just constant A.B.B.A.B.
219
00:08:57,020 --> 00:08:58,560
Is that supposed to funny?
220
00:08:58,630 --> 00:08:59,260
Yes.
221
00:08:59,330 --> 00:09:02,460
And also I think you might
have low blood sugar.
222
00:09:02,530 --> 00:09:05,760
And I need you to focus, so we
can get Cruella de Vil's mom in there
223
00:09:05,830 --> 00:09:08,130
a damn table before she kills Jermaine!
224
00:09:08,200 --> 00:09:09,640
It's immpoossiibllle.
225
00:09:09,700 --> 00:09:12,470
And what's so important
about a stupid goldfish?
226
00:09:12,540 --> 00:09:16,280
Okay A, he's not a goldfish, and B--
Please don't berate me.
227
00:09:16,340 --> 00:09:19,710
Please don't make me, and B...
Tell 'em Thuy!
228
00:09:19,780 --> 00:09:21,580
Toi ca voi ban nam ngan!
229
00:09:21,650 --> 00:09:24,520
Con ca Jermaine se giet con ca cua ban!
230
00:09:24,580 --> 00:09:27,350
Jermaine,
Jermaine, Jermaine!
231
00:09:27,420 --> 00:09:29,390
Anyhoo, without gettin
all into the details,
232
00:09:29,460 --> 00:09:32,490
I may or may not owe fourteen
thousand dollars to some people
233
00:09:32,560 --> 00:09:34,730
you wouldn't wanna owe fourteen cents.
234
00:09:34,790 --> 00:09:36,760
I so can't relate to that.
235
00:09:36,830 --> 00:09:37,700
Could you try?
236
00:09:37,760 --> 00:09:39,230
No.
237
00:09:39,300 --> 00:09:42,170
Could you pretend to try?
238
00:09:42,240 --> 00:09:43,300
Yes!
239
00:09:43,370 --> 00:09:44,270
Absolutely not.
240
00:09:44,340 --> 00:09:46,310
Absolutely yes,
Chet, c'mon I need
241
00:09:46,370 --> 00:09:49,140
the tongues first, and then every bit
of meat scraped off those cheeks.
242
00:09:49,210 --> 00:09:49,970
Is that all?
243
00:09:50,010 --> 00:09:52,080
You don't want the... frickin eyeballs?!
244
00:09:52,150 --> 00:09:52,510
Oh.
245
00:09:52,580 --> 00:09:55,580
- Okay, so the tongues second...
- I'm not cutting out their eyeballs!
246
00:09:55,650 --> 00:09:57,750
Well not with
that, use a melon baller.
247
00:09:57,820 --> 00:09:58,820
I --
Ooh!
248
00:09:58,890 --> 00:10:00,350
I'm gonna go make a big
pitcher of melon balls.
249
00:10:00,420 --> 00:10:00,940
You want one?
250
00:10:00,990 --> 00:10:02,850
No I don't want a damn melon ball!
251
00:10:02,920 --> 00:10:03,960
Suit yourself.
252
00:10:04,020 --> 00:10:08,060
But trust me, you are gonna
want a melon baller.
253
00:10:08,130 --> 00:10:10,100
Okay, what's the
word, how we doing?
254
00:10:10,160 --> 00:10:12,130
Well I've swept the
entire place for explosives,
255
00:10:12,200 --> 00:10:13,230
and it's clear.
256
00:10:13,300 --> 00:10:14,200
That's the good news.
257
00:10:14,270 --> 00:10:16,400
The bad news is, if this vague
threat is gunmen, we've
258
00:10:16,470 --> 00:10:20,810
got ingress points here, here, and...
You are talking about eggplants.
259
00:10:20,870 --> 00:10:23,380
No Lana, I'm
talking about aubergines.
260
00:10:23,440 --> 00:10:25,210
They're the --
They're the same thing.
261
00:10:25,280 --> 00:10:26,110
Oh.
262
00:10:26,180 --> 00:10:27,950
Then where does auberge fit in?
263
00:10:28,010 --> 00:10:30,150
En nulle part, imbécile,
parce qu'un auberge
264
00:10:30,220 --> 00:10:30,980
est un petit hôtel!
265
00:10:30,980 --> 00:10:32,450
Ahh, tu parles français?
266
00:10:32,520 --> 00:10:33,690
Ouai.
267
00:10:33,750 --> 00:10:35,790
Then go answer
the goddamn phone!
268
00:10:37,260 --> 00:10:40,690
Okay, moment
of truth, taste test.
269
00:10:40,760 --> 00:10:44,400
- Please don't B-and-or-B me too hard...
- Mm!
270
00:10:44,460 --> 00:10:46,130
Not bad, Randy, not bad at all!
271
00:10:46,200 --> 00:10:47,160
Thank you, chef.
272
00:10:47,170 --> 00:10:48,800
Just needs a
little kick in the ass.
273
00:10:48,870 --> 00:10:50,370
Oh, and speaking of, where is Chet?
274
00:10:50,440 --> 00:10:52,270
In the walk-in,
weeping like a child.
275
00:10:57,280 --> 00:10:57,710
Nice!
276
00:10:57,780 --> 00:10:59,180
Man, you shoulda been a chef.
277
00:10:59,250 --> 00:11:00,910
Ohh... pshaw.
278
00:11:00,980 --> 00:11:01,680
I'm serious.
279
00:11:01,750 --> 00:11:03,850
I mean, maybe being a secret
agent isn't your true calling.
280
00:11:03,920 --> 00:11:05,680
Yeah, my Mother
says that a lot...
281
00:11:05,750 --> 00:11:07,690
Oh what, so now I suppose you're
282
00:11:07,750 --> 00:11:10,520
just going to sit there and pout?!
283
00:11:10,590 --> 00:11:13,090
Well I didn't get
you into this, mister!
284
00:11:13,160 --> 00:11:16,930
You got yourself into this!
285
00:11:17,000 --> 00:11:20,700
And the clock is ticking, my friend.
286
00:11:20,770 --> 00:11:23,770
So, just so I'm clear...
You want me to use this
287
00:11:23,840 --> 00:11:27,170
top-secret 934-TX
telephonic isolator unit,
288
00:11:27,240 --> 00:11:29,610
for which you have neither
the clearance nor
289
00:11:29,680 --> 00:11:32,340
the written permission to
even gaze upon, to find all
290
00:11:32,410 --> 00:11:35,880
phone numbers associated
with this physical address.
291
00:11:35,950 --> 00:11:38,750
Yeah, Gilda Gotrocks here
says ritzy joints like Seize have
292
00:11:38,820 --> 00:11:41,620
reservation numbers that're
strictly on the QT.
293
00:11:41,690 --> 00:11:43,220
What is this, Spain?
294
00:11:43,290 --> 00:11:44,490
I mean the Thirties?
295
00:11:44,560 --> 00:11:47,630
A flagrant violation
of my sworn duty, for which my
296
00:11:47,690 --> 00:11:50,500
recompense will be, if in
fact I heard you correctly...
297
00:11:50,560 --> 00:11:52,560
Yes, you in fact
did, and said recompense
298
00:11:52,630 --> 00:11:54,600
will in fact be a handjob.
299
00:11:54,670 --> 00:11:55,330
No.
300
00:11:55,400 --> 00:11:56,100
From her.
301
00:11:56,170 --> 00:11:56,770
Yes!
302
00:11:56,840 --> 00:11:57,300
Wh-?!
303
00:11:57,370 --> 00:11:57,740
No!
304
00:11:57,800 --> 00:11:58,170
Yes!
305
00:11:58,240 --> 00:11:59,070
Please!
306
00:11:59,140 --> 00:12:01,640
C'mon, if I don't make good
on that last fish-fight,
307
00:12:01,710 --> 00:12:04,680
you're gonna find me in a dumpster
somewhere way out in Red Hook!
308
00:12:04,740 --> 00:12:08,150
Ya know, if you're ever in Red Hook
snoopin around in random dumpsters.
309
00:12:08,210 --> 00:12:09,880
Great, so
it's give him a handjob or
310
00:12:09,950 --> 00:12:11,820
change up my whole Sunday routine?
311
00:12:11,880 --> 00:12:13,120
Um... apparently.
312
00:12:13,190 --> 00:12:17,260
Ugh, this is so unfair.
313
00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:19,570
- Okay...
- But I am not spitting in your face.
314
00:12:19,630 --> 00:12:25,230
I --
Take it or leave it.
315
00:12:25,300 --> 00:12:26,160
Mmmyello?
316
00:12:26,230 --> 00:12:26,900
See how I did that?
317
00:12:26,970 --> 00:12:28,700
Just pick up the phone and talk into it?
318
00:12:28,770 --> 00:12:31,540
I --
And how did you get this number?
319
00:12:31,600 --> 00:12:32,300
Which Kennedy.
320
00:12:32,370 --> 00:12:36,110
Because if it's Teddy he still
owes me for a urinal, so -- oh.
321
00:12:36,180 --> 00:12:36,910
Oh.
322
00:12:36,980 --> 00:12:38,140
Yes, absolutely.
323
00:12:38,210 --> 00:12:41,050
Eight o'clock, table for four, thank you.
324
00:12:41,110 --> 00:12:51,620
- Thank yoooooooooooooouaaaagh...
- Thank you.
325
00:12:51,690 --> 00:12:54,260
Hoo ooo ooo
ooo eee eee eee eee!
326
00:12:54,330 --> 00:12:56,500
I think I'm --
Ptoo!
327
00:12:56,560 --> 00:12:57,930
in love with you.
328
00:12:58,830 --> 00:13:02,070
And yet I will die alone.
329
00:13:02,130 --> 00:13:03,340
Yeah, probably.
330
00:13:08,630 --> 00:13:10,770
Okay, listen up!
331
00:13:10,840 --> 00:13:14,970
Tonight has to go perfectly, because
it is wall to wall VIP's out there.
332
00:13:15,040 --> 00:13:18,640
We've got the Albanian ambassador and
all his little diplomat buddies...
333
00:13:18,710 --> 00:13:22,310
And also Little Vernie Kennedy,
JFK's crazy niece or cousin or something.
334
00:13:24,220 --> 00:13:30,190
And then Teddy walks into the library
wearing nothing but a whiskey sour!
335
00:13:31,260 --> 00:13:31,990
Oh, Teddy.
336
00:13:32,060 --> 00:13:33,060
Such a scamp.
337
00:13:33,120 --> 00:13:34,960
So no screw ups!
338
00:13:35,030 --> 00:13:35,860
Now get to work!
339
00:13:35,930 --> 00:13:37,330
Talking to you, Gayvid Niven!
340
00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:39,160
Oh, eat a di --
What was that?
341
00:13:39,230 --> 00:13:40,100
Yes, chef!
342
00:13:40,170 --> 00:13:41,470
Randy, ready the soup.
343
00:13:41,530 --> 00:13:44,470
I'll be out front, favoring the
guest of honor with an aperitif
344
00:13:44,540 --> 00:13:45,900
and my presence.
345
00:13:45,970 --> 00:13:48,940
- And here you are, Mr. Ambassador...
- I prefer to
346
00:13:49,010 --> 00:13:50,740
be called Your Excellency.
347
00:13:50,810 --> 00:13:52,180
Well, people
in hell want ice water.
348
00:13:52,240 --> 00:13:53,510
Ray!
349
00:13:53,580 --> 00:13:55,050
What is your problem?!
350
00:13:55,110 --> 00:13:58,220
Besides not knowing if I
should add an eighteen percent gratuity?
351
00:13:58,280 --> 00:14:01,550
Because I can, it's a party of six
or more, but if they were gonna tip
352
00:14:01,620 --> 00:14:03,920
twenty percent, I just hosed myself.
353
00:14:03,990 --> 00:14:06,060
Not to mention
US-Albanian relations.
354
00:14:06,120 --> 00:14:09,330
So instead of insulting the ambassador,
whom we're here to protect --
355
00:14:09,390 --> 00:14:10,600
Protect him from what?
356
00:14:10,660 --> 00:14:14,370
The only threat around here is --
Dying of thirst, apparently.
357
00:14:14,490 --> 00:14:17,690
I've been trying to get a table at
Seize for months and when I finally
358
00:14:17,760 --> 00:14:23,060
do, instead of Casteau's world-famous
risotto, I have to eat sheep face --
359
00:14:23,130 --> 00:14:24,010
Wait a minute...
360
00:14:24,130 --> 00:14:25,440
-- so for God's sake,
the least you can do
361
00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:27,200
is keep my wine glass full!
362
00:14:27,270 --> 00:14:28,870
Oh my God, it's you!
363
00:14:28,940 --> 00:14:30,340
You're the threat!
364
00:14:30,400 --> 00:14:32,960
You couldn't get a table so made
an anonymous threat and then got
365
00:14:32,970 --> 00:14:35,240
ISIS hired to do security!
366
00:14:35,310 --> 00:14:37,880
Well that's still
no excuse for poor service.
367
00:14:37,950 --> 00:14:39,080
Wow.
368
00:14:39,150 --> 00:14:40,110
Okay, you know what?
369
00:14:40,180 --> 00:14:41,410
Excuse me!
370
00:14:41,480 --> 00:14:44,050
Yes, tell them all about it.
That'll do wonders
371
00:14:44,120 --> 00:14:46,750
for US-Albanian relations.
372
00:14:48,460 --> 00:14:49,790
Bon appetit!
373
00:14:49,860 --> 00:14:52,560
Hi, yeah, are you
done shouting at my guests
374
00:14:52,630 --> 00:14:53,830
in barely-passable French?
375
00:14:53,890 --> 00:14:55,130
Oui.
376
00:14:55,200 --> 00:14:58,230
Then go help Mincent
Price with the --
377
00:14:58,770 --> 00:15:00,010
Eighty-six soup!
378
00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:03,600
Aww man, I'm frickin starving...
379
00:15:03,670 --> 00:15:05,440
Here ya
go, gang, get in here.
380
00:15:05,510 --> 00:15:07,370
I brought a buncha crackers and jelly.
381
00:15:07,440 --> 00:15:09,480
You promised
you'd stop doing that!
382
00:15:09,540 --> 00:15:17,320
They were in
my tuxedo from last time!
383
00:15:17,380 --> 00:15:21,990
For the love of God, will you --
384
00:15:22,060 --> 00:15:24,020
Kicked out in the first act.
385
00:15:24,090 --> 00:15:29,030
Well, we didn't
have to fight for a cab.
386
00:15:29,100 --> 00:15:29,930
What?
387
00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:31,930
Tell Randy, as
his final act before
388
00:15:32,000 --> 00:15:34,570
I walk back into the kitchen and
murder him with his own shoes, to --
389
00:15:34,640 --> 00:15:36,470
Fire the entrées!
390
00:15:36,540 --> 00:15:37,640
Rrrrgh!
391
00:15:37,700 --> 00:15:39,370
Yeah, might as well.
392
00:15:39,440 --> 00:15:42,880
Because, Randy -- except, of
course, for your mother --
393
00:15:42,940 --> 00:15:43,910
there is no threat.
394
00:15:43,980 --> 00:15:46,050
Tell that to my tavë kosi!
395
00:15:46,110 --> 00:15:48,680
The tender flesh of which
I'm now ruining under
396
00:15:48,750 --> 00:15:51,020
the broiler, because I have no soup!
397
00:15:51,080 --> 00:15:51,550
Ew.
398
00:15:51,620 --> 00:15:52,720
And who's fault is that?
399
00:15:52,790 --> 00:15:56,420
The -- whatever idiot
invented those slippery-ass bowls!
400
00:15:56,490 --> 00:15:59,890
Now get -- back here
and mop it up, Chet!
401
00:15:59,960 --> 00:16:02,830
Chef...Eat a dick.
402
00:16:02,900 --> 00:16:03,700
A toast!
403
00:16:03,760 --> 00:16:06,200
To His Excellency, the
Ambassador Extraordinary and
404
00:16:06,270 --> 00:16:07,830
Plenipotentiary of Albania!
405
00:16:07,900 --> 00:16:10,740
And to a long, peaceful, and
prosperous friendship between
406
00:16:10,800 --> 00:16:13,070
his great nation and ours.
407
00:16:13,140 --> 00:16:13,710
Gezuar!
408
00:16:13,770 --> 00:16:14,610
Gezuar!
409
00:16:14,680 --> 00:16:17,640
While we sit
here dying of thirst...
410
00:16:17,710 --> 00:16:19,880
Hang on, I
might have a juice box in --
411
00:16:19,950 --> 00:16:21,010
Ron?!
412
00:16:21,080 --> 00:16:22,110
Thenk you, chef.
413
00:16:22,180 --> 00:16:26,550
The dolma, the rakia...
I feel I am home in Albania.
414
00:16:26,620 --> 00:16:28,520
Just wait until
you try my tavë kosi.
415
00:16:28,590 --> 00:16:29,150
Oooh!
416
00:16:29,220 --> 00:16:32,090
Tavë kosi is my most fevorit!
417
00:16:32,160 --> 00:16:33,530
If you'll excuse
me, I need to make
418
00:16:33,590 --> 00:16:35,260
sure my sous chef hasn't ruined it.
419
00:16:35,330 --> 00:16:35,960
It's ruined.
420
00:16:36,030 --> 00:16:37,470
No, it's actually really good.
421
00:16:37,530 --> 00:16:38,860
Cyril and/or Chet?
422
00:16:38,930 --> 00:16:41,000
No, Cyril and Chet are now vegans.
423
00:16:41,070 --> 00:16:43,000
Aww, and just when I thought I
424
00:16:43,070 --> 00:16:44,540
couldn't hate both of them more.
425
00:16:44,610 --> 00:16:46,570
Now get these entrées to the table!
426
00:16:46,640 --> 00:16:48,610
Move, maggots, everybody take a tray!
427
00:16:48,680 --> 00:16:49,310
Yes, chef!
428
00:16:49,380 --> 00:16:50,310
Right away, chef!
429
00:16:50,380 --> 00:16:51,440
Not you, Chet.
430
00:16:51,510 --> 00:16:53,310
You look like a dinosaur's tampon.
431
00:16:53,380 --> 00:16:54,010
Boom!
432
00:16:54,080 --> 00:16:54,880
Bumper!
433
00:16:54,950 --> 00:16:57,550
I am just killing it today.
434
00:16:57,620 --> 00:17:00,450
- Well finally...
- Yeah, sorry, we were dealing with
435
00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:03,560
this incredibly obnoxious hoax, so...
436
00:17:03,620 --> 00:17:06,660
So can I at least assume
there will be a wine pairing?
437
00:17:06,730 --> 00:17:07,860
Mmmm!
438
00:17:07,930 --> 00:17:12,630
Chef Rendy, this is the best
tavë kosi I ever tested!
439
00:17:12,700 --> 00:17:15,900
I -- grk!
440
00:17:18,870 --> 00:17:20,410
Wow, you really do like it.
441
00:17:20,470 --> 00:17:22,440
Your Excellency?
442
00:17:22,510 --> 00:17:23,710
He's dead!
443
00:17:26,180 --> 00:17:27,880
Wait, no, the threat was a hoax!
444
00:17:27,950 --> 00:17:28,710
A what?!
445
00:17:28,780 --> 00:17:29,210
Lana!
446
00:17:29,280 --> 00:17:31,080
Oh my God!
447
00:17:31,150 --> 00:17:35,020
Well you can forget about ISIS working
for the State Department! Ever!
448
00:17:35,090 --> 00:17:37,620
And sir, please, I'm sure this
was just a terrible allergic
449
00:17:37,690 --> 00:17:38,960
reaction!
450
00:17:39,030 --> 00:17:39,590
Yes!
451
00:17:39,660 --> 00:17:40,530
To poison!
452
00:17:40,590 --> 00:17:40,990
What?!
453
00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:44,200
No, I started with the
freshest ingredients, like --
454
00:17:44,260 --> 00:17:45,670
Oh my God, the mushrooms!
455
00:17:45,730 --> 00:17:50,270
Casteau must've put poison
mushrooms in the -- Pam!
456
00:17:50,340 --> 00:17:51,140
What.
457
00:17:51,200 --> 00:17:52,770
Nothing, here, have mine.
458
00:17:52,840 --> 00:17:53,540
You sure?
459
00:17:53,610 --> 00:17:54,290
Pam!
460
00:17:54,310 --> 00:17:57,280
Okay, let's get Casteau before he --
He's gone!
461
00:17:57,340 --> 00:17:58,640
And also on the phone!
462
00:18:00,010 --> 00:18:00,930
Oh Teddy!
463
00:18:00,950 --> 00:18:02,210
Ever the scamp!
464
00:18:02,280 --> 00:18:04,680
Please,
let's have dessert and --
465
00:18:04,750 --> 00:18:05,420
No time!
466
00:18:05,490 --> 00:18:07,690
We have an embassy to close!
467
00:18:07,750 --> 00:18:09,860
So that's a "no"
on the wine pairing?
468
00:18:09,920 --> 00:18:11,890
Malory, a man's just been murdered.
469
00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:12,360
But how?
470
00:18:12,430 --> 00:18:13,550
I mean, we all ate a little.
471
00:18:13,560 --> 00:18:15,130
Or a lot.
472
00:18:15,200 --> 00:18:16,060
You said I could have it!
473
00:18:16,130 --> 00:18:17,400
But, if it wasn't the food...
474
00:18:17,460 --> 00:18:18,760
How the hell did he get poisoned?
475
00:18:18,830 --> 00:18:21,600
I coated his
glass with cyanide, you idiots!
476
00:18:21,670 --> 00:18:22,570
For the toast!
477
00:18:22,640 --> 00:18:23,960
Ooh, there's toast?
478
00:18:24,000 --> 00:18:25,940
Give me that. But chef... why?!
479
00:18:26,010 --> 00:18:27,610
Six million bucks!
480
00:18:27,670 --> 00:18:30,140
Which I'm gonna use to
deficit-finance a new show,
481
00:18:30,210 --> 00:18:32,640
where I travel, so I can insult
people's cooking all over the
482
00:18:32,710 --> 00:18:33,480
globe!
483
00:18:33,550 --> 00:18:35,110
Now there's a show I'd like to --
484
00:18:35,180 --> 00:18:38,120
wait, you won't get away with this!
485
00:18:38,190 --> 00:18:40,190
Well, you say that...
486
00:18:40,250 --> 00:18:43,320
Oh, and remember when I said you
could've been a great chef?
487
00:18:43,390 --> 00:18:44,290
Yes?
488
00:18:44,360 --> 00:18:47,790
Every morning I make two
cooks like you in the toilet.
489
00:18:47,860 --> 00:18:48,960
Why?!
490
00:18:49,030 --> 00:18:51,460
Why couldn't he let me have the dream?!
491
00:18:51,530 --> 00:18:53,600
Why can't you
let me have some wine?
492
00:18:53,670 --> 00:18:55,300
What is this, Spain in the Thirties?
493
00:18:55,370 --> 00:18:58,040
And way, way more
importantly, who would pay
494
00:18:58,110 --> 00:19:02,310
six million dollars just to
make ISIS look like idiots?
495
00:19:02,380 --> 00:19:04,110
Seriously, for that
much money we coulda built
496
00:19:04,180 --> 00:19:05,440
a whole new bionic man.
497
00:19:05,510 --> 00:19:06,850
Dun't tempt me, Barry.
498
00:19:06,910 --> 00:19:07,580
Boom!
499
00:19:07,650 --> 00:19:12,820
Bumper!
500
00:19:12,890 --> 00:19:18,160
Nooooooooooooooooooo!
501
00:19:18,230 --> 00:19:21,600
Wow, remind me
not to piss you off.
502
00:19:21,720 --> 00:19:23,440
Remind yourself!
503
00:19:25,530 --> 00:19:26,830
Yes, dear.
503
00:19:27,305 --> 00:19:33,302
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