Original subtitles

Are you alone tonight?

Well, consider yourself lucky.

There could be 2 of you,

and imagine what a frightmare that could be.

Aah!

Ah-ha ha ha.

Just a reflection.

Not so for tonight's stars,

frank and Eddie...

2 brothers who are touchingly close.

When a woman tries to come between them,

she finds herself caught in a tangled web

of jealousy and intrigue.

I think you'll find it a twinning combination.

So without further ado, I bring you...

My brother's keeper.

Well, go! You drive like an old lady.

Have I ever told you that, frank?

Whenever I drive, Eddie.

Which is all the time, isn't it, frank?

Why even bother having a Ferrari

when you drive it like a goddamn Volkswagen?

You wanted the Ferrari.

Iwould've been very happy

with a Volkswagen.

You'd have been happy with a bicycle built for 2.

Now look, if you don't step on it, I will.

Ow! Get your foot off me!

Eddie, this isn't funny. We're gonna have an accident!

I can't stand being with you

when you're like this.

Well, you don't have much choice, do you, frank?

Not unless you agree to see that new doctor I've found.

Not another doctor! How many doctors do I...

Wh-whoa!

Enough! Stop!

Ok.

Eddie!

Don't you know by now

that no doctor can help us with our problems?

Problem, frank.

We only have one problem.

But I got to admit,

it's a beaut.

It's a beaut.

Really, Eddie, you'd be so much happier

if you'd just learn to accept... Our condition.

Accept the fact that we're freaks?

Accept the fact that we're freaks?

Never.

Never.

You're only a freak...

If you think you're a freak.

Aw, please, frank.

Aw, please, frank.

Keep your psycho bullshit.

When your ass is attached to another guy's ass,

you're a freak.

You're a freak.

Bartender, give me a scotch, will you?

Eddie, remember,

when you drink, I feel it, too.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

Make it a double.

Hey, what's going on here?

You know, underneath that...

You looking at me? Heh heh.

Ehh...

Gee, I thought I was the only person weird enough

to read books in bars.

To read books in bars.

Uh, mine's...

Andre malraux' man's hope.

Well, this certainly is...

Fate.

Ha. Isn't that funny?

Ha. Isn't that funny?

I'm Marie Hilton.

Uh, frank duran.

Well-l-l-l.

Lookie here.

You know, under that Marian the librarian exterior,

I'm thinking there's a studded leather corset

just itching to get out, am I right?

Eddie! Please.

We were having a nice conversation.

Well, hey, don't let me cramp your style, little brother.

Well, hey, don't let me cramp your style, little brother.

Is that guy your brother?

Uh, yeah, yeah.

I guess he got all the personality.

Ehh...

Well, if that's personality, he can have it all.

You know, Marie, you look familiar.

I could swear we've met somewhere.

I don't know. Do you ever go to the symphony?

I don't know. Do you ever go to the symphony?

I love the symphony.

Well, did you go last Sunday?

No. I couldn't convince my brother to go.

Actually that's why I agreed to come with him tonight.

3 trips to a bar equal one symphony.

3 trips to a bar equal one symphony.

Well, so you and your brother

have to do everything together?

You see, Eddie and I...

Come on, frank, let's dance.

Eddie, please. I was just telling...

Tell it to her on the dance floor. Come on.

You wouldn't want to...

I'd love to dance.

♪♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪♪

♪♪ You can run ♪♪

♪♪ But you can't hide ♪♪

♪♪ I'm gonna be with you right by your side ♪♪

♪♪ I got it bad ♪♪

♪♪ You know it's true ♪♪

♪♪♪ 'Cause I'm stuck, stuck ♪

♪♪ Stuck on you ♪♪

♪♪ Yeah, I'm stuck on you ♪♪

♪♪ Baby, you've discovered I'm stuck on you ♪♪

♪♪ I got ya covered ♪♪

♪♪ I'm stuck on you... ♪♪

Oh, my god.

You're...

You're connected.

Oh, is it that noticeable?

Oh, is it that noticeable?

Yeah, Marie, I've been meaning to tell you, uh...

Eddie and I are siamese twins.

You're siamese twins?

Gross!

How about you?

You ever tried the 4-legged lambada?

Eddie, come on!

Listen, it's get... It's getting late,

and I have to get up really early,

so I have to go. Uh...

So I have to go. Uh...

Still don't think you're a freak, frank?

Still don't think you're a freak, frank?

Extraordinary.

Simply extraordinary.

Not often does one come across

a classic pago pagi formation.

Twins.

Joined at the bottom.

Yeah, we know how we're attached.

The question is, can we be separated?

Well, you both have the full complement of organs.

You two are lucky that way.

You hear that? We're lucky, frank.

Of course, you share one single bloodstream.

So, this dense and tangled web

of veins and arteries

would have to be completely rerouted.

Ah. The complication.

But not one that cannot be overcome.

Today, with lasers

and microsurgery,

there is a chance.

See, there's a chance.

Yeah, what kind of a chance?

Uh... 50-50.

Uh, oh, we'll take it.

Good.

Now wait a minute, Eddie.

There is a 50% chance we could die here.

No, no, no, frank.

There's a 50% chance we'd live.

I thought you and your brother

were of one mind about this.

Oh, we are, we are.

Well, then, you must sign this medical release.

Well, then, you must sign this medical release.

Come on. Sign it, frank.

It's not multiple choice.

I don't know, Eddie.

I'm gonna need more time to think about it.

I'm gonna need more time to think about it.

When you are ready with the pen,

I shall be ready with the knife.

I shall be ready with the knife.

You, uh, thinking about the operation?

You, uh, thinking about the operation?

A little.

A little.

You're not going to take a sleeping pill.

I was planning to do some reading.

The story of our life, frank... you zig, and I zag.

You know, frank, for most people,

the simple act of peeing

does not have to be a synchronized olympic event.

Ahh...

It's true.

Just think, frank...

Once we get the operation,

you'll never have to go to another baseball game again.

Or Vegas... all that hideous architecture.

Oh. You could sleep in your own bed.

Oh. You could sleep in your own bed.

I could roll over.

And that cooking school in Paris

you always wanted to go to?

Cordon Rouge.

It's cordon bleu.

It's cordon bleu.

Bleu, Rouge. Whatever.

The point is, you could go.

The point is, you could go.

I could learn how to make that salmon on crout￩

with a champagne sauce.

Frank, you can do whatever you want,

once we are free.

Once we are free.

All you got to do is sign it, frank.

All you got to do is sign it, frank.

Just sign it.

Just sign it.

The operation is too risky.

The operation is too risky.

Look, you sign that release,

or I'm giving you the operation right here.

Hey. Sign it!

Eddie, I'm afraid.

Afraid of what?

It'll work. We'll be separated forever.

Well, maybe that's what I'm afraid of.

Maybe I'm afraid that once we're separated forever,

that... that I would be...

Lonely.

Lonely?

You goddamn pussy.

Hello.

Hello, frank, this is Marie from the bar.

Do you remember me?

Yes, of course I remember you, Marie.

I wanted to apologize

for my behavior the other night.

And, well, if you're willing

to give me another chance,

I'd like to see you again.

I'd like to see you again.

Marie wants to see me.

Well, ask if she's had a blood test.

I beg your pardon?

A, uh, guest.

My brother asked

if you would like to be our guest.

Um, Eddie?

Yes.

What, uh, what are you doing Friday?

Well, I'm doing whatever you're doing, aren't I, frank?

Well, I'm doing whatever you're doing, aren't I, frank?

Problem, frank?

A problem?

Yes, I've got a problem.

You haven't showered in a week.

You smell like a compost heap.

Ahh!

You know, I don't care if you shave.

But will you please wash before we go out tonight?

Tell you what, frank.

I'll wash while you sign.

I'll wash while you sign.

You get ready.

You, I, and Marie are going to the symphony.

All right, frank.

Symphony it is.

Hey, sticky buns.

Hey, sticky buns.

You know, under that distinguished

patron of the arts exterior,

I'm thinking there's a studded leather corset just itching to...

A toast to the chef.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Frank, I just can't believe

you made all this wonderful food yourself.

Even a chocolate souffl￩?

Oh, souffl￩s are quite easy, Marie.

It's simply a matter of separating the egg whites.

Oh, but this is delicious, really.

More?

Oh, no. I couldn't possibly.

A smidge?

Well, maybe just a teensy-eensy smidge.

Hey!

Don't I get a teensy-eensy smidge?

Would you like some more?

No, but I'd like a little more of that.

No, but I'd like a little more of that.

Now...

Now...

Where were we?

Egg whites.

Ah. Egg whites.

Ah. Egg whites.

Frank, are you ok?

Sorry.

It's just that when Eddie drinks,

I get drunk, too.

Boy, oh, boy.

First time the schmuck gets a beautiful woman up here,

and he does his impression of Julia Childs.

Eddie, I happen to find your brother's company stimulating.

Mm, oh, really?

More stimulating than let's say, oh,

a tank of nitrous oxide and a 12-inch vibrator?

Because that's the kind of party I throw, babe.

Hoo hoo!

You'll have to excuse Eddie.

He's being a bad boy.

Well, actually, it's getting really late.

I should be going anyway.

Oh, I'll see you to the door.

Oh, we'll both see you to the door.

Uhh. Unh.

Unh.

Uhh. Uhh, Uhh.

Uhh. Uhh, Uhh.

Uh, thanks, frank. Thanks for a wonderful evening.

I'd offer to...

Eh eh eh...

Eh eh. Unh!

I'd offer to drive you home,

but I'm not in any condition.

Oh, sure. That's ok.

Hope you understand.

Hope you understand.

Good night.

Good night.

Au revoir, marie.

Au revoir.

I know you tried to ruin it for me,

but you didn't.

I'm happy, happy, happy.

And you know why?

Uh-uh.

'Cause I'm in love.

Yeah, yeah. I know.

You fall in love, and I get a boner.

You fall in love, and I get a boner.

You know, Marie,

these past few weeks have been the happiest of my life.

Oh, frank.

And you know how I feel about you, too.

Yeah, yeah, oh!

Oh, oh, oh!

Oh, oh, oh!

Um, what I suggest you do...

What I always do in this situation...

Just let your mind go completely blank.

Well, I don't know if I can.

Uhh. Yah! Ow!

I should probably be on bended knee for this, but, uh...

Aah! Oh, I'm a naughty boy.

Will you, uh...

W... would you...

Aah! Unh. Aah!

Will you marry me?

Oh, frank, I'm sorry, but...

Marie?

It's too bizarre.

Marie.

Marie!

I better go see about that girl. Stay there.

You, too.

Whoa.

I am warning you, Eddie.

You get off my back.

Heh, I'd love to, Frankie boy,

but you're afraid of being lonely. Ha ha ha!

Hey, miss thing.

Hey, miss thing.

Eddie says you're doing a real good job.

You got his brother frank right where he wants him.

No shit.

Ha ha!

But see, you got to turn up the heat now, baby.

You got to pump up the jam.

Pump it up. Right.

Mm-hmm. Pump up the jam.

'Cause Eddie says that if you get his brother

to sign some paper by tonight,

girlfriend, we don't have to be

hoin' these streets no more.

Well, let's get it over with.

All right.

All right.

Frank, we have to talk.

Look,

I don't blame you for being upset, Marie,

but it won't always be like this. I promise you.

Frank, I want to believe you,

but what kind of future can we have

with him with us all the time?

Give us one more chance.

Give us one more chance.

I love you.

I love you, too, frank, but...

Marie, please.

Just give me one more chance.

It just couldn't work this way, frank.

It's not like there's anything

you could do about it.

The way things are...

I'm sorry. I don't know what else to say, frank,

but...

Good-bye.

Marie.

Marie. Marie. Marie!

Marie. Marie. Marie!

Give me the key.

Now where did I put that key?

Marie, wait!

Give me the goddamn key, Eddie!

Hmm... Key, key. Oh, here it is, frank.

Hmm... Key, key. Oh, here it is, frank.

Come on. Marie!

Now get up!

No!

You son of a bitch.

You ruined my one chance at happiness.

You ruined my one chance at happiness.

Fisticuffs from you, frank?

How uncivilized.

How uncivilized.

You disgust me.

Good.

Uhh! Uhh!

Uhh! Uhh!

I hate you.

Now you're talking.

Unh!

Unh!

I can't live like this anymore.

What are you going to do about it?

What are you going to do about it?

I'm going to...

You're going to what?

I'm going to...

You're going to what, frank?

I'm going to sign Dr. Schnellkraut's release form.

Well, it's about fucking time.

Here, Frankie...

Here, Frankie...

Frank...

Marie, you came back.

Don't sign that release, frank.

Shut up, Marie.

How do you know about the release?

It was all a setup.

Eddie hired me to help convince you to have that operation.

I'm warning you, Marie.

So you never really cared about me?

Well, I wasn't supposed to,

but I fell in love with you, frank.

You did?

I mean, I don't know if you can forgive me,

but if that proposal still stands...

Oh, it does. It does. It does.

I'll marry you, frank, just the way you are.

I don't want you to have that operation.

It's... it's too risky. I don't want to lose you.

Oh, Marie.

Oh, Marie.

We'll build a little house for the 3 of us.

How do you feel about kids?

Now I'll never get rid of him!

Unh!

Darling?

I... I felt you stiffen.

Am I rushing things?

Am I rushing things?

Oh, my god!

Oh, my god!

What did you do?

Double-crossing bitch wouldn't keep her mouth shut, frank!

I'll call for help. I'll call the police.

Allow me, frank. Looks like you got your hands full.

- Hello, 9-1-1? - Emergency.

Yeah, this is Edward duran.

I just killed my brother's fianc￩e with a cleaver.

No, no. The name's duran. I used a cleaver.

Please hold. Oh, sure, I'll hold.

You're going to pay for this, Eddie!

Always the dreamer, huh, frank?

If they sentence me to the gas chamber,

they'll never be able to carry it out.

Think about it, frank.

If they kill me, they kill you.

Now, that's cruel and unusual punishment.

Hello, sir. Are you sure the victim's dead?

Am I sure she's dead?

Yeah, she's definitely dead.

You're a monster, Eddie.

Yeah, but I'm your monster, Frankie boy...

Forever. We're on our way.

Ok. We'll be waiting. Heh heh heh.

Hey, what's this?

Frank, I'm not going anywhere.

Frank, I'm not going anywhere.

Whoa! Hey, what are you doing?

Whoa! Hey, what are you doing?

Hey, frank, what are you doing?

I'm having a little midnight snack.

Hey, you're taking too many of those pills!

Am I? I'm kind of a novice at this.

All right, frank, don't fool around.

Shouldn't mix booze with... with those pills.

Shouldn't mix booze with... with those pills.

I thought you liked to live dangerously, Eddie.

I thought you liked to live dangerously, Eddie.

Ever since we were kids,

I've had to put up with you being the bad one,

make excuses for you.

I clean up after you...

Apologize for you.

Well, that's a lot...

Of responsibility

having to be the good one all the time.

Frank!

You're killing... Killing us.

You're killing... Killing us.

I can't live attached...

To a murderer.

To a murderer.

Frank... Duran.

My head.

My head.

Where am I?

You're in a hospital, Eddie.

Oh, how typical, frank.

You try to kill me, and all you do

is give me a hell of a hangover.

Sweetheart, get me a bloody Mary, will you?

Make it a double. Heh heh heh.

Well, Mr. duran,

looks like you're well enough for visitors.

Edward duran, you're under arrest

for the murder of Marie Hilton.

Marie Hilton... Let's see.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

Jeez, I... I did kill her, didn't I?

You have the right to remain silent.

Anything you say can and will be used against you

in a court of law.

You have the right to talk to a lawyer...

I guess detective potato head here

hasn't done his homework.

I mean, there's really nothing he can do, heh,

seeing as how we're freaks.

We're not freaks, Eddie.

We're free.

We're free.

Or at least... I am.

Hey, you're over there!

Oh, did I forget to mention?

I signed Dr. schnellkraut's release form.

He did a pretty good job, don't you think?

No! don't let them take me away from you, frank!

They're going to put me in the gas...

Oh, what's come over you, big brother?

You're acting like a goddamn pussy.

They're gonna put me in the gas chamber!

Aah!

Ah, but don't worry. I'll be doing the living

for both of us, Eddie boy.

Ooh, nurse.

You know, under that crisp, white uniform,

I'm thinking there's a studded leather corset

just itching to come out.

Am I right?

Heh heh heh.

Heh heh heh.

Well, maggotmeisters,

how's that for a cheeky little tale?

Heh heh heh heh.

Frank sure picked a deadly time to sever all thighs

with his brother.

And poor Eddie suffered the unkindest cut of all...

A real split personality.

Captioning made possible by Warner bros.

Captioned by the national captioning institute... www.Ncicap.Org...

Captioned by the national captioning institute... www.Ncicap.Org...