All language subtitles for The.New.Adventures.of.Old.Christine.S02E09.Mission Impossible.eng

No, I've tried that already.
My Internet is not responding at all.

Oh, I should go to your web
site for online support?

And, uh, do you suggest
I use a tin can and a string

to connect to your web site?

Yes, that's sarcasm.

Yes, I'll hold.

Matthew, just hang up.
We don't need the Internet.

And the only thing you use it
for is to Google yourself.

Hey, pal, where are you going?

Back to the wife and kids?

Daddy's picking me up.
Is he here yet?

Is he on his way?
Should I go wait outside?

Ritchie, relax, okay?
Daddy doesn't pick you up till Friday.

Yeah, but it's only Tuesday.

- It's Thursday.
- It is?

Yeah.

Wait, is it next Thursday
or last Thursday?

I'm just lost
without my Internet.

So I have to wait
until tomorrow?

You know, sweetie,
when you say that,

it kind of makes me feel like
you'd rather be with Daddy

than be here with me.

That's not true,
is it, sweetie?

You like being with Mommy as much as
you like being with Daddy, right?

Ouch.

Oh, come on.
We have a great time here.

In fact, this afternoon,
how would you like to go play mini golf?

With Daddy?

Ouch.

No, with me.

Sure. Can Daddy come?

Ouch.

No, it's going to
be just you and me.

Yeah, fun. Go get your jacket.

Oh, wait a minute, sweetheart.

Have you finished
your homework?

Most of it.

Oh, well, before we go play,
you need to finish your homework

and then we're going
to have a lot of fun.

Oh, wait, darling.

Did you write that thank
you note to Grandma

for that thing that
smells like Grandpa?

Not yet.

Okay, well,
then go finish your homework,

write the the thank-you note,
and then we'll go play mini golf

- and have a lot of fun.
- Fine.

Okay. Oh, Ritchie,
wait, wait, wait.

Um, you need to get started building
that California mission project.

It's due on Monday.

Anything else?

No, just finish your homework,

write that thank-you
note to Grandma,

get started on the
mission project,

and then we are going
to have so much fun,

I wouldn't be surprised
if the Fun Police came

and put us in fun jail and
threw away the fun key.

Will Daddy be in fun jail?

Ouch.

Okay, so, Ritchie,
go put your backpack away

and I'll see you later,
okay, bud?

- Hey, Mom?
- Yeah?

Today's Friday, right?

Yeah, Ritchie,
you just asked me that.

Yay! Friday!

What happens on Friday?
Does the check come?

No, he, uh,
he goes with his Dad.

They go to the movies,
play laser tag, stay up late,

and for some reason,
he really looks forward to it.

And you're all alone?

How do you fill that hole?

There's no hole.

Wine.

So how's Ritchie's mission
project coming along?

You know it's due on Monday.

Yeah, I know.
It's coming along.

He's gathering
materials, brainstorming.

What, you mean,
he hasn't even started yet?

Christine, it's the
mission project.

Yeah, I know.
He's got two days.

Oh, no.

What?

It's the most important
project of the year.

The mission model
is the culmination

of the whole semester
on California history.

I mean,
if your child's a subpar, well,

that'll haunt him for the
rest of his school career.

Come on. It's fourth grade.
When I was in fourth grade,

I was still making
retainers out of paper clips

and practicing
kissing my pillow.

Well, I'm sure that pillow still
gets a lot of attention, Christine.

Look, you're at a top Los
Angeles private school.

Everyone and his kid is competing for
the same few spots at the top high schools.

- High school?
- Yeah.

Where they'll be competing for the
same few spots at the top colleges.

College?

You're thinking about
college already?

I still bite his tushie when
he gets out of the shower.

Should we tell her
about you-know-who?

- No.
- Who's you-know-who?

Ugh, fine.

We have a mission guy.

Seth, he works at
the crafts store.

For the right price,
he'll build your kid's mission.

Guaranteed "A" or
your money back.

Are you kidding me?

That's unethical.

Shouldn't the kids
do their own work?

That's sort of a lazy approach to
parenting, isn't it Christine?

Are you still on hold?

Yeah, yeah,
but it's getting better.

I went through a three-hour
block of jazzy standards,

but now we're into
The Best of Bread.

Uh, what's all that stuff?

It's art supplies for
Ritchie's mission project.

It's due on Monday, which means

they're going to have to work on
it all weekend long at Richard's.

That means no movies,
no laser tag, no fun.

You're a nice person.

Come on. I'm tired of always having
to be the responsible parent.

Oh, here's my razor.

Why don't you just hang up?

You know, I think I will.
To hell with this, huh?

Right.

Ooh, Christopher Cross,
"Arthur's Theme."

God, I wish I had someone
to make love to right now.

Hi.

I hope that wasn't
my last wish.

Is Ritchie ready yet?

Yeah. So you guys know what
you're doing this weekend, right?

Yeah. I'm taking him to the USC game.
He loves it.

Well, he loves peeing
in that trough.

And then we're going
to the science museum.

He loves peeing their, too.

Sorry to have to ruin
all that urinary fun,

but Ritchie's mission
project is due on Monday

and he hasn't even
started it yet.

That's okay.

He can do it here when
I bring him back Sunday night.

I mean,
this is the homework house.

No, no, no. It's too late.

I don't want to be
the homework house.

This weekend,
you get to be the homework house.

Can't happen.

A) I live in an apartment,

and B) I'm naturally fun.

Richard, this is important.

Christine, come on.
It's fourth grade.

Richard, this is private school, okay?
It's very competitive.

If he doesn't do well on this project,
he could wind up at some...

two-year junior
college in Nevada.

I went to a two-year
junior college in Nevada.

Oh, I see what you're doing.

- Okay, we'll do the projects.
- Okay, thank you very much.

All right, I'm going to check
and see if Ritchie's ready.

Hey, Ritchie? Your dad...

Bye, Mom.

I-I love you, honey.

No, darling, no.

You have to stay at
Daddy's the whole weekend.

He'll be fine.

Thank you for your patience.
Can I help you?

Hello?

Uh, Matthew!

Your, uh...
your-your friend is on the phone.

Don't, don't hang up!
Don't hang up! I'm coming.

Hello.

Yes, hi. I'm here.

Oh, thank God.

Oh, I've just been
on hold forever.

No, no, that's not a criticism.

Yes, I'll hold.

Hey, hey, check this out.

I don't know what this is.

This is a bass
fishing video game.

I got it for Ritchie.

Richard's not the only one
who knows how to have fun.

He might be.

Oh, come on.
Bass fishing is, like,

the biggest sport in the
country next to NASCAR.

It's a good thing you didn't get
him one of those race-car games.

Kids hate that.

I just want him to be excited
about coming back here

after being with Richard.

I don't want this to be the
homework house all the time.

Ooh, "Islands in the Stream."

I sing the hell out of this.

Well, sing it outside.
You're going to scare the fish.

- Hey.
- Oh, hi.

Did you have a nice weekend?

Great.

The Trojans crushed UCLA.

And Ritchie dropped the giant
foam finger in the trough.

I decided to throw it out.

Good idea. I still have that
pee finger from the Dodger game.

- So you still made it to the game.
- Yeah.

How'd it go with the mission?

The California mission.

Ritchie's school project.

The one that's due tomorrow.

- Oh, shoot!
- Oh, no! No.

Christine, I'm really sorry.

Oh, I knew it.

Oh, we just were having so much fun,
I totally forgot.

Which is exactly why I couldn't hack
it in junior college, by the way.

Richard, this is
not a joke, okay?

I told you how
important this is.

And the worst part is it's not you
who's going to suffer, it's your son.

It's due tomorrow,
and it's almost bedtime.

Maybe he could turn
it in a day late.

And what kind of lesson does
that teach him exactly?

A due date is a due date.

I mean, you have a job.

What happens if you show
up to work a day late

or you don't finish something
that you promised to?

I'm a contractor.

All right,
that's a bad example.

What can I do?

Nothing. We're just going to
have to build it tonight.

Tonight? He's exhausted.

Yes, and I'm exhausted, too.

I just reeled in a 40-pound
bass this afternoon.

But we're going to
have to do it anyway,

because that's what we do
at the homework house.

Oh, I just hate being
the homework house.

Boy, I feel partly
responsible for this.

You're entirely
responsible for this.

Yeah, so, what?

Do you want me to stick around?

That would be nice.

So... yes?

- Please.
- Because I will, if...

All right, just go.

I feel so bad.
It sounds like a lot of work...

Just go.

Sweetie.

Is it Friday?

No, honey, it's Sunday.

And you have to
do your homework.

I'm tired.

I know, darling, but you've known
about this project for weeks.

You're no fun.

Well, it's not my
job to be fun.

Well, then you're
good at your job.

Ouch.

Matthew, are you up?

Matthew!

What is it? Is it tech support?
Are they here?

What? No.

I need your help.

Look at Ritchie's mission.

Maybe he'll marry well.

That does not run
in our family.

I swore I wouldn't be one of those parents
who did their kid's work for them,

but, I mean,
look at this thing.

We got to build
Ritchie a mission.

Come on.

Ooh, that was scary.
I've been waiting for so long,

but when it looked like
it was actually happening

I realized I wasn't ready.

Same thing happened to me on
prom night with Allan Rice.

You know, you don't have
to tell me everything.

Worked my boobs like he
was making a pizza crust.

That's not everything.

Okay, what do we
know about missions?

Well, we know they
don't look like tepees.

Right.

And we know there's
a bell on the outside

of the Mission
tortilla chips bag.

What else?

Uh, sometimes a
recipe for guacamole.

Come on, didn't Mom and Dad
take us to a mission once?

Well, we went to the Alamo;
I think that's a mission.

So what was that like?

Oh, I don't remember.

Hey, I don't
remember the Alamo.

Come on, focus. Focus.

This is important.
This is Ritchie's education.

I'm going to make
some guacamole.

Mission... Missionary...

Ooh, missionary position.

Does that do anything for us?

Never did anything for me.

Really, knock it off.

All right, you know what?

I hate to do this,
but we need help.

Charles? I'm sorry
about before.

I didn't mean to yell at you.
I was just frustrated.

Just come back to bed
and we'll try it again.

Charles?

- Hello?
- Hi, um, Marly?

Uh, hi,
this is Christine Campbell.

I'm so sorry to
call you so late,

but I really need the
name of your mission guy.

I thought you said
it was unethical.

What do I know about ethics?

On prom night, I let Allan Rice
plow me like a Iowa cornfield.

- Seriously!
- It's true.

Anyway, do you
have that number?

Well, Christine, it's too late.

The mission guy needs
a four-day turnaround.

Now I'm on the phone.

- What?
- No, n-n-n-no, not you. Him.

Just keep talking to me.

Uh, well, well,
that was it, I guess.

Um, sorry to bother you.
I-I'll see you at school tomorrow.

Bye.

No, no, I can talk.

- No mission guy.
- So what do we do?

We're going to have to buckle
down and do this ourselves.

It's for Ritchie's education.

Do you feel like a margarita?

Yeah.

Okay, so if you had to do it with one
of Mom's friends, who would it be?

That's easy. Mrs. O'Hara.

Wha-- ha! You're kidding me.

No. She was sweet and she
had this really pretty voice,

and her house always
smelled like cinnamon.

Oh... that's so nice.

Plus, she had giant boobs.

Oh, you're disgusting.

I'm disgusting?
I could write a book

about the many ways Allan Rice
violated you on prom night.

Yeah, I have photos
for that book, too.

You know what sucks?

This mission.

The fact that you're up
at 3:00 in the morning

panicking about a fourth
grade school project.

You're doing exactly what
you said you wouldn't.

I know, but Marly and Lindsay
are right, okay?

Private school is
very competitive.

I mean,
if Ritchie was at his old school,

he could have just turned in that tepee,
they'd make him a teacher.

I mean, I just-- I want him to
get into a good high school

and get into a good college
and be really successful.

Really? Since when did
you care about all that?

I don't.

I just want him to like me.

What?

I want him to like me.

More than Richard.

Don't judge me.

Parenting is not a
popularity contest.

Yes, it is, and I am losing.

You're not a parent,
you don't know.

Plus, I think it's very brave of
me to admit my true feelings.

Most people wouldn't.

Most people shouldn't.

Hello, this is Sandeep in tech support,
can I help you?

Hey!

I might have pushed
the wrong button.

I'm still here.

Well, considering our
only research was a...

bag of tortilla chips
and a bottle of tequila,

I think it's fantastic.

Good morning.

What is that?

It's a mission.

What's that?

A mission.

Why do you have a mission?

I felt bad that I forgot
about Ritchie's project.

You seemed really upset,
so I went home and built this.

Well, first I had sex with New
Christine, and then I built it.

Why do I need the details?

I don't know. Just had a good night,
and I wanted you to know.

So now I've spent
72 hours on hold

and seven hours building
this crappy mission.

This is the worst weekend since
I had to scratch under Grandma's cast.

God, Richard.

What?

I thought this would
make you happy.

That you're doing
Ritchie's work for him?

You did Ritchie's work for him.

I didn't do a good job.

Real tile and two bell towers.

Damn it.

What? Are you mad?

No, I'm happy.

It's hard for me
to tell anymore.

Yes, I'm mad. Stupid.

Now I'm picking up on it.

Why are you mad?

Because, once again,
you've trumped me, Richard.

I mean, your house is more fun,

your weekends are
more entertaining,

your mission doesn't...

reek of tequila.

What are you talking about?

Friday is Ritchie's
favorite day,

and I don't blame him.

Because all week long,
I'm trying to get him to do his homework

and clean his room and
write thank you notes.

I mean, this house is a drag.
I even hate it here.

Then he goes to your house and
it's all foam fingers and urinals.

No wonder he likes you better.

Christine, you know what
Ritchie calls my house?

- What?
- The fun house.

Okay, Richard,
you don't understand the problem.

And you know what he
calls your house?

- What?
- Home.

I have to make it
fun when I'm with him

because I can't
compete with that.

I'm a vacation,
and vacations are great,

but after a while,
you can't wait to get home.

Oh... God.

Richard, I'm... I'm sorry.

I had no idea.

I'm actually winning.

Yeah, you are.

The only thing that keeps me going
is that when Ritchie goes home,

I have nearly constant
sex with New Christine.

Okay, well,
we can call it a tie.

But why couldn't I
bring Dad's mission?

Because you need to
do your own work.

But my mission stinks.

Well... that's because you
left it till the last minute.

I'm sorry, I know
it's a hard lesson to learn,

but that's what I'm here for.

I'm gonna go find
a spot for it.

Okay, bud.

Hey, don't worry, Ritchie,
it's only fourth grade.

And you might just get
another shot at it next year.

Hello, Christine.

What have you got there?

Looks like a tepee.

It's not a tepee.
It's a mission.

And what was the
mission exactly,

to keep him out of college?

Mission accomplished.

Good luck to you.

These are really good.

Yeah, they are.

Hey, did I ever tell you that your daddy
went to a two-year college in Nevada?

Can I go to a two-year
college in Nevada?

I think you can count on it.

Okay, let's go. School.

- Okay.
- Yeah.