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1
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CAROLINA: Remind me again why
you chose Sigmund Freud
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for your book report.
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We had to choose someone
important and controversial.
4
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Fred picked Freud because
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she thinks that he needed therapy.
6
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Hi. I have to get to school early today,
so I'll just have this banana.
7
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- Kevin, can we go now, please?
- Uh...
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As in like right now, this second.
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Okay, okay. Yeah, yeah. Let's go.
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- Bye, love you.
- GRETEL: Bye!
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I heard Sigmund was a Freud of the dark.
12
00:00:26,443 --> 00:00:28,903
What did I tell you
about puns before 9:00 a.m?
13
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That you love them?
- Exactamente.
14
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KEVIN: What's going on?
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00:00:33,533 --> 00:00:35,326
Okay, I had
this substitute teacher this week
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who I just know
is some kind of evil villain.
17
00:00:37,579 --> 00:00:40,039
So I'm going to sneak
Hamster in to go undercover
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as the class pet for backup,
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in case the teacher tries
anything shifty.
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What makes you think the guy's evil?
21
00:00:45,170 --> 00:00:46,379
Oh, it's so obvious.
22
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He's got one of those evil
half-beardy things.
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- You mean a goatee?
- Right, a goatee.
24
00:00:50,425 --> 00:00:52,510
Also, I'm having one of my hero hunches.
25
00:00:52,594 --> 00:00:54,345
Last time you had a hero hunch,
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00:00:54,429 --> 00:00:56,527
we had to buy Miss Greenberg
a new mailbox.
27
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You never believe me.
28
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I'm cautiously skeptical.
29
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But keep your guard up
30
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and try not to melt anything.
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(SPY MUSIC PLAYING)
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(DOOR CREAKS)
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This cage used to belong to
our class mouse, Skippy.
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What happened to the mouse?
35
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Um...
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It's not important.
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TEACHER: Hey, there.
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It's Gretel, right?
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Maybe, maybe not.
40
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What's with all the questions,
Mr. Chabner?
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If that is, in fact, your real name.
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Um... It is.
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Says you.
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Okay, careful of the door.
45
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Gretel would think
Freud's evil because of his beard.
46
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I have issues with sideburns myself.
47
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Hey, look, I'm starting to grow a beard.
48
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Maybe I'm evil. Check it out.
49
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You mean this one strand?
50
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It's a beard. It's just patchy.
51
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I got hair removal spray.
52
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- I can take care of that.
- Stay back.
53
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(CELL PHONE RINGING)
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00:02:00,537 --> 00:02:04,582
Kevin. My substitute teacher is about
to do something evil any minute.
55
00:02:04,666 --> 00:02:06,417
Really? What's he doing?
56
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- Nothing.
- Nothing.
57
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(WHISPERS) Exactly.
58
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(SIGHS)
59
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I know he's about to do something.
60
00:02:12,340 --> 00:02:13,424
Why don't you believe me?
61
00:02:13,508 --> 00:02:15,551
Because your hunches
have destroyed a mailbox,
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a gazebo and three
of our neighbors' cars.
63
00:02:17,679 --> 00:02:18,929
I got to go.
64
00:02:19,013 --> 00:02:22,155
So that's what happened to the gazebo.
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Good morning.
As you already know, I'm Mr. Chabner.
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(SCOFFS)
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I've been enjoying
my time with all of you.
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And just for fun, today I'm going to
stray from the curriculum.
69
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Stray from the curriculum?
70
00:02:34,237 --> 00:02:36,238
What's your angle, mister?
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00:02:36,322 --> 00:02:38,491
Well, Gretel,
I just like to loosen things up.
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I'm going to need a volunteer.
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Me, me, me, me. Pick me.
74
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- Bailey it is.
- GRETEL: No!
75
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I'm so excited!
What do you want me to do?
76
00:02:46,416 --> 00:02:47,792
What's your favorite exercise?
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Pole vaulting.
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00:02:49,210 --> 00:02:51,504
(CHUCKLES) Something
we can do in this room.
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- Jumping jacks.
- Perfect.
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Stand right here.
81
00:02:55,717 --> 00:02:57,927
Bailey is going to lead us all
in some jumping jacks.
82
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Take it away.
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Everybody, stand up.
84
00:03:01,264 --> 00:03:02,473
And let's go.
85
00:03:02,557 --> 00:03:06,602
One, two, three, four, five...
86
00:03:06,686 --> 00:03:07,770
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
87
00:03:07,854 --> 00:03:09,535
...six, seven.
88
00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:12,483
- (ROPE SNAPS)
- No!
89
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(CRASHES)
90
00:03:13,568 --> 00:03:16,779
(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)
91
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BAILEY: Four, five, six, seven.
92
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(GRETEL GASPING)
93
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No!
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BAILEY: Ahh!
95
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Why?
96
00:03:26,831 --> 00:03:29,125
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
I thought the solar system
97
00:03:29,209 --> 00:03:30,848
was gonna fall and crush you.
98
00:03:31,169 --> 00:03:34,394
(BALLOON DEFLATING)
99
00:03:35,423 --> 00:03:37,313
Yes, thank goodness that didn't happen.
100
00:03:37,634 --> 00:03:39,552
Freud's most important work, he...
101
00:03:39,636 --> 00:03:40,678
(CELL PHONE BUZZING)
102
00:03:40,762 --> 00:03:43,514
Uh, Ms. Weems,
I have to go to the bathroom.
103
00:03:43,598 --> 00:03:45,975
Now? You're in the middle of a report.
104
00:03:46,059 --> 00:03:48,102
Mmm-hmm. When you got to go,
you got to go, right?
105
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I'll take over.
106
00:03:49,354 --> 00:03:50,993
Fine, but make it quick.
107
00:03:51,564 --> 00:03:52,648
Gretel, Are you... - Kevin!
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My hero hunch is tingling like crazy.
109
00:03:54,901 --> 00:03:57,166
Gretel. Is your headband
too tight again?
110
00:03:58,905 --> 00:03:59,822
Oh, I guess that was it.
111
00:03:59,906 --> 00:04:03,117
Of course it was. Listen,
I'm in the middle of a book report.
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00:04:03,201 --> 00:04:05,633
- Gotta go.
- Okay, everyone.
113
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I am going to make sure
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00:04:07,455 --> 00:04:11,514
each and every one of you kids
gets exactly what you deserve.
115
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(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)
116
00:04:15,171 --> 00:04:16,727
Not this time, buster.
117
00:04:17,966 --> 00:04:19,689
I baked those myself.
118
00:04:24,347 --> 00:04:25,528
- (GASPS)
- No!
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00:04:26,849 --> 00:04:28,865
Hamster! You're going the wrong way.
120
00:04:40,697 --> 00:04:42,545
- I...
- I'd like you to stay after class.
121
00:04:44,367 --> 00:04:46,577
- Freud often used...
- (CELL PHONE BUZZING)
122
00:04:46,661 --> 00:04:50,289
Ms. Weems, unfortunately,
I have to go to the bathroom again.
123
00:04:50,373 --> 00:04:51,554
Are you kidding?
124
00:04:52,375 --> 00:04:54,210
In the later half of his career,
125
00:04:54,294 --> 00:04:58,214
Freud continued to be wrong
about many, many things.
126
00:04:58,298 --> 00:05:01,884
Kevin, the evil teacher is forcing me
and Hamster to stay after school.
127
00:05:01,968 --> 00:05:03,219
Did something actually happen?
128
00:05:03,303 --> 00:05:06,764
No! I mean, he says I wrecked up
the whole classroom
129
00:05:06,848 --> 00:05:09,183
and smashed up
all the cupcakes he baked for us.
130
00:05:09,267 --> 00:05:10,351
Well, did you?
131
00:05:10,435 --> 00:05:12,375
- Yes, but... Gotta go.
- (SCHOOL BELL RINGS)
132
00:05:14,230 --> 00:05:16,440
Don't worry. You're not in trouble.
133
00:05:16,524 --> 00:05:19,040
I just want to know
if everything is okay with you.
134
00:05:19,193 --> 00:05:21,042
Is there anything you want to tell me?
135
00:05:21,779 --> 00:05:23,197
(SIGHS) I thought you were evil.
136
00:05:23,281 --> 00:05:26,033
I mean, I had a hunch
that you were a super villain
137
00:05:26,117 --> 00:05:29,592
because of your goatee,
but my hunches are sometimes suspect.
138
00:05:30,163 --> 00:05:34,305
Oh, Gretel, I'm just a teacher who wants
to do good things for children.
139
00:05:34,959 --> 00:05:36,210
Wow, I feel bad.
140
00:05:36,294 --> 00:05:37,670
I'm sorry, Mr. Chabner.
141
00:05:37,754 --> 00:05:40,436
You really are a good guy,
even with that goatee.
142
00:05:41,132 --> 00:05:42,313
Just kidding.
143
00:05:43,217 --> 00:05:45,678
(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)
144
00:05:45,762 --> 00:05:47,096
I'm totally evil.
145
00:05:47,180 --> 00:05:51,684
I saw you and your hamster on TV,
and realized that this superhero girl
146
00:05:51,768 --> 00:05:53,658
is just some regular kid out there.
147
00:05:54,062 --> 00:05:55,813
So for two long, boring weeks,
148
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I subbed elementary school classes
all over town,
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00:05:58,358 --> 00:06:00,526
until I finally found you.
150
00:06:00,610 --> 00:06:01,944
But how did you know it was me?
151
00:06:02,028 --> 00:06:03,112
Your name is Gretel,
152
00:06:03,196 --> 00:06:05,531
and you have a pet hamster.
You'd think that'd be enough,
153
00:06:05,615 --> 00:06:08,075
but I still didn't put it together
till a couple hours ago,
154
00:06:08,159 --> 00:06:12,760
when I saw that you are right-handed
and Gretel is also right-handed.
155
00:06:13,748 --> 00:06:14,971
So who are you?
156
00:06:15,291 --> 00:06:18,419
Once upon a time, I was a young
scientist who could not grow a beard.
157
00:06:18,503 --> 00:06:22,298
So I tried merging
the facial hair gene with my own DNA.
158
00:06:22,382 --> 00:06:26,107
Finally, I will be able
to grow facial hair like a normal man.
159
00:06:27,220 --> 00:06:28,442
(BEEPS)
160
00:06:33,351 --> 00:06:34,393
Oh, crud.
161
00:06:34,477 --> 00:06:38,452
But instead I transformed myself
into sentient facial hair.
162
00:06:39,232 --> 00:06:43,165
Total bummer. But then I realized I can
control whoever I attach myself to.
163
00:06:43,403 --> 00:06:46,613
Wait a minute. Are you telling me
you're not this whole guy?
164
00:06:46,697 --> 00:06:48,963
You're just that... That mustache?
165
00:06:49,200 --> 00:06:51,243
No, I'm not just the mustache.
166
00:06:51,327 --> 00:06:54,885
I'm the goatee, too,
which is why they call me...
167
00:06:55,415 --> 00:06:57,166
Van Dyke!
168
00:06:57,250 --> 00:07:00,294
MAN: (SINGING) Van Dyke
Mind-controlling facial hair
169
00:07:00,378 --> 00:07:01,587
BOTH: Whoa!
170
00:07:01,671 --> 00:07:02,755
Whoa.
171
00:07:02,839 --> 00:07:04,089
How did I get here?
172
00:07:04,173 --> 00:07:05,466
My hero hunch was right.
173
00:07:05,550 --> 00:07:07,384
You are an evil goatee.
174
00:07:07,468 --> 00:07:10,888
When I saw you on TV,
I knew with your superpowers
175
00:07:10,972 --> 00:07:14,864
and my mind control abilities,
I could take over the world.
176
00:07:19,188 --> 00:07:20,494
Okay, I'm out of here.
177
00:07:20,815 --> 00:07:23,205
(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)
178
00:07:24,152 --> 00:07:26,250
I'll just show myself out.
179
00:07:31,075 --> 00:07:33,035
MAN: (SINGING) Fighting facial hair
180
00:07:33,119 --> 00:07:37,581
(SCATTING)
181
00:07:37,665 --> 00:07:39,083
Fighting facial hair
182
00:07:39,167 --> 00:07:42,044
I know you think
you finally found your place
183
00:07:42,128 --> 00:07:45,214
But don't get all up in my face
184
00:07:45,298 --> 00:07:46,215
Better watch yourself
185
00:07:46,299 --> 00:07:47,383
(SCREAMS)
186
00:07:47,467 --> 00:07:48,384
You better behave
187
00:07:48,468 --> 00:07:50,386
Or I think you're gonna get yourself
188
00:07:50,470 --> 00:07:51,942
A real close shave
189
00:07:58,769 --> 00:08:01,522
Listen up, my follicular fiend
190
00:08:01,606 --> 00:08:05,122
You're about to get
your dirty clock cleaned
191
00:08:05,234 --> 00:08:08,070
You might wanna stop taking inventory
192
00:08:08,154 --> 00:08:09,822
'Cause I think you'll find
that I'm about
193
00:08:09,906 --> 00:08:11,629
To get depilatory on you
194
00:08:15,620 --> 00:08:17,677
I don't wanna be a hater
195
00:08:17,830 --> 00:08:21,083
But I guess
I'll have to see you a bit later
196
00:08:21,167 --> 00:08:24,420
Never thought
I'd have to do this anytime, anyplace
197
00:08:24,504 --> 00:08:26,630
Or anywhere
198
00:08:26,714 --> 00:08:28,215
I'm fighting facial hair
199
00:08:28,299 --> 00:08:30,259
(SCATTING)
200
00:08:30,343 --> 00:08:31,427
Fighting facial hair
201
00:08:31,511 --> 00:08:33,095
(SCATTING)
202
00:08:33,179 --> 00:08:35,152
Fighting facial hair
203
00:08:35,264 --> 00:08:37,266
...and in 1935, arrived in London...
204
00:08:37,350 --> 00:08:41,158
(CELL PHONE BUZZING)
205
00:08:41,687 --> 00:08:42,910
(BEEPS)
206
00:08:47,401 --> 00:08:49,069
...and then he died. The end.
207
00:08:49,153 --> 00:08:50,529
May I go to the bathroom, please?
208
00:08:50,613 --> 00:08:51,877
Whatever.
209
00:09:02,250 --> 00:09:04,014
Gretel, what is going on?
210
00:09:04,710 --> 00:09:09,131
It's the goatee. It controls people,
and hamsters, apparently.
211
00:09:09,215 --> 00:09:12,134
(AS VAN DYKE) I'm a Van Dyke.
It's a goatee and a moustache together.
212
00:09:12,218 --> 00:09:13,399
It's got... (SIGHS)
213
00:09:13,928 --> 00:09:15,860
(BOTH GRUNTING)
214
00:09:20,434 --> 00:09:21,615
Sorry, Hamster.
215
00:09:21,936 --> 00:09:23,979
Half beard and mustache punch!
216
00:09:24,063 --> 00:09:25,327
It's called a...
217
00:09:29,443 --> 00:09:31,028
Yeah, you did it!
218
00:09:31,112 --> 00:09:32,376
(LAUGHS)
219
00:09:34,240 --> 00:09:36,074
(AS VAN DYKE) Ha! You underestimate me.
220
00:09:36,158 --> 00:09:38,466
Say goodbye to your little friend.
221
00:09:46,043 --> 00:09:47,391
KEVIN: No!
222
00:09:47,545 --> 00:09:51,089
Hey, I have facial hair...
(LAUGHING AS VAN DYKE)
223
00:09:51,173 --> 00:09:52,174
(ALL GASP)
224
00:09:52,258 --> 00:09:54,760
(AS VAN DYKE) If you or your rodent
try to do anything stupid,
225
00:09:54,844 --> 00:09:56,470
your brother is minced meat.
226
00:09:56,554 --> 00:09:59,820
Okay, Boomer.
No one says minced meat anymore.
227
00:10:00,349 --> 00:10:03,227
No! Argh!
228
00:10:03,311 --> 00:10:04,228
(GROANS)
229
00:10:04,312 --> 00:10:05,646
Ow! It hurts.
230
00:10:05,730 --> 00:10:08,357
It's like every fiber
of my beard is burned...
231
00:10:08,441 --> 00:10:10,317
Kevin, you saved me.
232
00:10:10,401 --> 00:10:12,236
- Thank you, thank you.
- (VAN DYKE MUTTERING)
233
00:10:12,320 --> 00:10:14,543
I think we know who did the saving here.
234
00:10:14,780 --> 00:10:16,073
- Thanks, Fred.
- Fred?
235
00:10:16,157 --> 00:10:17,824
How'd you know we were in trouble?
236
00:10:17,908 --> 00:10:19,326
Well, I just saw the video.
237
00:10:19,410 --> 00:10:22,663
You haven't seen the last of me.
238
00:10:22,747 --> 00:10:25,763
- (LAWN MOWER ENGINE STARTING)
- (VAN DYKE SCREAMING)
239
00:10:26,292 --> 00:10:28,974
(GROANS) Ow!
240
00:10:29,211 --> 00:10:30,796
Come, put me back together.
241
00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:32,506
Scoop me up off the ground.
242
00:10:32,590 --> 00:10:35,259
KEVIN: From now on, I'm going to
trust your hero hunches, Little G.
243
00:10:35,343 --> 00:10:36,927
I'm sorry I didn't believe you.
244
00:10:37,011 --> 00:10:40,931
Well, there was the gazebo
and the cars and the mailbox...
245
00:10:41,015 --> 00:10:43,767
KEVIN: Oh, stop living in the past.
GRETEL: ...and your laptop.
246
00:10:43,851 --> 00:10:45,533
KEVIN: What? My laptop!
247
00:10:46,187 --> 00:10:48,369
THEME MUSIC PLAYING...
248
00:10:58,324 --> 00:11:00,464
Hamster and Gretel
249
00:11:06,791 --> 00:11:09,056
It's Hamster
250
00:11:09,293 --> 00:11:11,517
Hamster and Gretel
251
00:11:11,567 --> 00:11:16,117
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