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1
00:00:01,874 --> 00:00:03,416
- Hey, buddy.
- Nothing!
2
00:00:03,484 --> 00:00:04,784
Sorry. Habit.
3
00:00:04,852 --> 00:00:06,656
I'm not actually doing anything wrong.
4
00:00:06,681 --> 00:00:08,421
Just checking to see
if I got into A.S.U.
5
00:00:08,446 --> 00:00:09,570
Without us?!
6
00:00:09,595 --> 00:00:11,554
Guys, get in here!
7
00:00:11,579 --> 00:00:12,905
It's happening!
8
00:00:12,930 --> 00:00:15,070
Claire: Phil saw videos
online of families
9
00:00:15,095 --> 00:00:17,187
celebrating the moment
their kid got into college.
10
00:00:17,212 --> 00:00:19,276
For pure drama, you
can't beat that thing
11
00:00:19,301 --> 00:00:21,469
when an entire family's
nervous anticipation
12
00:00:21,494 --> 00:00:23,540
turns into an explosion of utter joy.
13
00:00:23,565 --> 00:00:25,695
- Come on!
- Come on, N-Y...
14
00:00:25,720 --> 00:00:26,837
[All groaning]
15
00:00:26,862 --> 00:00:28,446
- Notre...
- Haley: [Squeals]
16
00:00:28,461 --> 00:00:29,628
- ... Damn.
- Claire: [Groans]
17
00:00:29,653 --> 00:00:31,796
All righty, here we go.
18
00:00:31,821 --> 00:00:34,834
And record and...
19
00:00:34,859 --> 00:00:37,093
- "Welcome to Arizona State"...
- [Both cheering]
20
00:00:37,118 --> 00:00:38,687
- It's happening!
- Oh, my God!
21
00:00:38,712 --> 00:00:41,340
"Welcome to Arizona
State's admissions portal."
22
00:00:41,365 --> 00:00:43,421
- [Sighs]
- "We regret to inform you"...
23
00:00:43,446 --> 00:00:45,748
- Aww, pal...
- [Groans]
24
00:00:45,773 --> 00:00:48,000
Well, don't leave us in
suspense. What did they say?
25
00:00:48,025 --> 00:00:51,031
♪ ♪
26
00:00:57,285 --> 00:01:00,216
Synced and corrected by Aaronnmb
www.addic7ed.com
27
00:01:00,961 --> 00:01:02,584
Hey, I just peeked in on Lily,
28
00:01:02,609 --> 00:01:05,342
and guess who she was
curled up with on her bed?
29
00:01:05,367 --> 00:01:06,414
If it's not the cat,
30
00:01:06,439 --> 00:01:08,412
I'm gonna be really upset about
how you're teasing this out.
31
00:01:08,437 --> 00:01:10,805
I love that she has a
pet that she's close to
32
00:01:10,873 --> 00:01:13,107
like I was with my pet pig Lily.
33
00:01:13,175 --> 00:01:15,039
Still no guilt, I see, after tricking me
34
00:01:15,064 --> 00:01:16,587
into naming our daughter after bacon.
35
00:01:16,612 --> 00:01:18,346
I was very close to that pig.
36
00:01:18,371 --> 00:01:21,295
For heaven's sakes, I still
have her ashes in the garage.
37
00:01:21,320 --> 00:01:22,570
True.
38
00:01:22,595 --> 00:01:24,629
I recently started
exercising in the garage,
39
00:01:24,654 --> 00:01:26,230
and on the first day, I, uh...
40
00:01:26,255 --> 00:01:27,989
I dropped a couple of pounds.
41
00:01:28,057 --> 00:01:29,424
[Treadmill whirring]
42
00:01:29,491 --> 00:01:30,647
[Thud]
43
00:01:30,672 --> 00:01:32,927
[Coughs]
44
00:01:32,995 --> 00:01:34,529
I knew Mitchell was lying.
45
00:01:34,597 --> 00:01:37,832
I was just giving him the
opportunity to come clean.
46
00:01:37,900 --> 00:01:40,578
I had discovered the urn was empty.
47
00:01:45,644 --> 00:01:46,841
Lily?
48
00:01:46,909 --> 00:01:48,209
You know, I was thinking tonight
49
00:01:48,277 --> 00:01:50,152
maybe we could bury the
ashes in the back yard
50
00:01:50,177 --> 00:01:51,713
after we get back from your dad's.
51
00:01:51,780 --> 00:01:53,514
It's a perfect night to pay tribute.
52
00:01:53,582 --> 00:01:55,539
- W-why?
- The Pig Moon.
53
00:01:55,564 --> 00:01:57,875
- I'm sorry? One more time.
- The Pig Moon.
54
00:01:57,900 --> 00:02:00,695
Every 18 years, the
moon takes on a pink hue,
55
00:02:00,720 --> 00:02:02,490
and it aligns with Orion.
56
00:02:02,558 --> 00:02:03,758
- Oh.
- It's a huge deal back home.
57
00:02:03,826 --> 00:02:04,993
There's a festival,
58
00:02:05,060 --> 00:02:07,311
they empty out all the
jails as a sign of goodwill.
59
00:02:07,336 --> 00:02:08,939
So, we're having, like,
a ceremony tonight?
60
00:02:08,964 --> 00:02:11,165
- Yes, sweetie.
- But don't we have Grandpa's?
61
00:02:11,233 --> 00:02:13,052
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- Well, you know what?
62
00:02:13,077 --> 00:02:15,203
We're always looking for a
credible reason to leave early.
63
00:02:15,228 --> 00:02:16,600
So, what are we supposed to say?
64
00:02:16,625 --> 00:02:18,491
"No... no dessert for us.
We got to get home.
65
00:02:18,516 --> 00:02:20,008
"We got to bury the 25-year-old ashes
66
00:02:20,075 --> 00:02:21,376
"of a Brunswick King sow."
67
00:02:21,443 --> 00:02:23,145
Wow. Nice attitude.
68
00:02:23,170 --> 00:02:25,022
It's almost like you want Pig Moon John
69
00:02:25,047 --> 00:02:27,116
to fill your hunting boot with coal.
70
00:02:29,092 --> 00:02:30,748
[Sighs] This is so slow!
71
00:02:30,764 --> 00:02:32,631
If you're on the
Pritchett's Closets website,
72
00:02:32,656 --> 00:02:34,090
we're aware of the slowdown.
73
00:02:34,115 --> 00:02:35,420
It's either a hack by the Chinese
74
00:02:35,445 --> 00:02:37,708
or that Chinese hack I
hired to fix the website.
75
00:02:37,733 --> 00:02:39,200
No, I'm trying to get tickets
76
00:02:39,202 --> 00:02:41,668
for tonight's Gloria Estefan concert.
77
00:02:41,693 --> 00:02:42,733
That's a little on the nose.
78
00:02:42,758 --> 00:02:45,539
- Joe: Mom, it happened again!
- [Sighs]
79
00:02:45,615 --> 00:02:47,904
- Jay, sit down here and pay attention.
- Ugh!
80
00:02:47,929 --> 00:02:49,777
You have to move fast
when it's your turn,
81
00:02:49,845 --> 00:02:52,060
or they'll move to the next person.
82
00:02:52,085 --> 00:02:55,387
Joe, this is exactly why
we're not giving you a knife
83
00:02:55,412 --> 00:02:57,138
until you turn 6 years old.
84
00:02:57,185 --> 00:03:00,404
I missed the days when
people stood in actual lines.
85
00:03:00,429 --> 00:03:02,092
If you weren't willing
to stand in the rain,
86
00:03:02,117 --> 00:03:04,802
you didn't get to see Gary
Puckett & the Union Gap.
87
00:03:05,060 --> 00:03:06,545
[Toaster pops]
88
00:03:09,263 --> 00:03:11,333
- Ow! Damn it!
- [Computer beeps]
89
00:03:11,442 --> 00:03:13,501
What? It was one second!
90
00:03:13,568 --> 00:03:14,668
Gloria: [Sighs]
91
00:03:14,736 --> 00:03:17,059
- Okay, give it back to me.
- No need. I got 'em.
92
00:03:17,084 --> 00:03:18,270
Oh, really? And you paid?
93
00:03:18,295 --> 00:03:21,251
Yeah, you got your browser
filling out your credit card info.
94
00:03:21,276 --> 00:03:23,520
It's not super secure,
but, whoever steals them
95
00:03:23,545 --> 00:03:24,856
will probably spend less than you.
96
00:03:24,881 --> 00:03:27,036
Oh, what a B-U-tiful morning.
97
00:03:27,061 --> 00:03:29,195
I joke because I've
been accepted to B.U.
98
00:03:29,220 --> 00:03:31,588
Oh, Manny, I'm so proud of you!
99
00:03:31,613 --> 00:03:32,856
I'm six for six.
100
00:03:32,881 --> 00:03:35,198
So many suitors... not
sure which to choose from.
101
00:03:35,223 --> 00:03:36,395
I feel like Lady Mary
102
00:03:36,419 --> 00:03:37,887
in the last season of "Downton Abbey."
103
00:03:37,954 --> 00:03:39,521
I'd avoid the big football schools.
104
00:03:39,589 --> 00:03:41,550
And tonight we're going to celebrate.
105
00:03:41,575 --> 00:03:43,622
We're going to a concert.
I got the tickets online.
106
00:03:43,647 --> 00:03:45,849
Easier than buying them
at the venue, I guess.
107
00:03:45,874 --> 00:03:47,606
What is the venue, uh, by the way?
108
00:03:47,631 --> 00:03:49,140
You can't buy them at the door.
109
00:03:49,165 --> 00:03:51,300
It's a private concert.
It's just for the fan club.
110
00:03:51,368 --> 00:03:54,003
I remember our first
Gloria Estefan concert.
111
00:03:54,070 --> 00:03:55,504
You were so little,
112
00:03:55,572 --> 00:03:59,146
sitting on my shoulders,
holding the lighter.
113
00:03:59,171 --> 00:04:00,276
I'm gonna leave.
114
00:04:00,343 --> 00:04:02,478
Yes, before I know it.
115
00:04:02,545 --> 00:04:03,646
No, right now.
116
00:04:03,713 --> 00:04:05,214
I obviously need
something to wear tonight.
117
00:04:05,282 --> 00:04:06,415
Oh, okay. I'll go with you.
118
00:04:06,483 --> 00:04:08,617
What a great idea. Go! Make a day of it.
119
00:04:08,642 --> 00:04:09,952
No, wait, wait, wait...
120
00:04:09,977 --> 00:04:12,864
I can't go to the mall
wearing my house heels.
121
00:04:12,889 --> 00:04:15,324
What a good excuse to buy
a nice pair of new ones.
122
00:04:15,499 --> 00:04:16,950
That's why I love you.
123
00:04:16,975 --> 00:04:18,360
[Chuckles]
124
00:04:18,385 --> 00:04:20,354
Always remember that.
125
00:04:21,264 --> 00:04:23,178
Thank you so much, Mrs. Pasternak.
126
00:04:23,203 --> 00:04:25,143
I'm sure you're wondering
why I want these ashes.
127
00:04:25,168 --> 00:04:26,235
Not really,
128
00:04:26,260 --> 00:04:27,833
but I'm gonna need the urn back.
129
00:04:27,858 --> 00:04:29,796
I'm gonna turn it into a lamp.
130
00:04:34,946 --> 00:04:36,213
[Exhales sharply]
131
00:04:37,314 --> 00:04:38,650
- Hello, Mitchell.
- Oh, God!
132
00:04:38,675 --> 00:04:39,884
[Gasps]
133
00:04:39,909 --> 00:04:41,126
[Coughs]
134
00:04:41,151 --> 00:04:43,719
Is everything okay? You're
looking a little ashen.
135
00:04:43,787 --> 00:04:47,122
I'm fine. I-I... I accidentally
spilled pig Lily's ashes,
136
00:04:47,190 --> 00:04:48,457
and I... I thought that I would...
137
00:04:48,525 --> 00:04:51,126
You would just replace them
with Morris Pasternak's?
138
00:04:51,194 --> 00:04:53,643
- How'd you know
- His class ring is by your foot.
139
00:04:53,668 --> 00:04:55,931
- Oh, yeah.
- That pig was my best friend.
140
00:04:55,999 --> 00:04:57,299
Didn't you eat her mother?
141
00:04:57,367 --> 00:04:58,667
You know, you have no respect
142
00:04:58,735 --> 00:05:00,502
for anything that's important to me.
143
00:05:00,570 --> 00:05:03,312
My whole upbringing is
just a big joke to you.
144
00:05:07,892 --> 00:05:10,951
Dad, I was thinking about
the Pig Moon funeral tonight
145
00:05:10,976 --> 00:05:12,717
and how important Lily was to you.
146
00:05:12,742 --> 00:05:15,351
Aww, that is so sweet.
147
00:05:15,418 --> 00:05:17,553
You definitely inherited her compassion.
148
00:05:17,620 --> 00:05:19,555
Remember that finger
painting that I made of her,
149
00:05:19,622 --> 00:05:21,689
the one that you said
that was museum quality?
150
00:05:21,714 --> 00:05:22,848
Can we bury it with her?
151
00:05:22,873 --> 00:05:25,041
I know exactly where it is.
152
00:05:25,295 --> 00:05:27,556
I know exactly where it was.
153
00:05:29,486 --> 00:05:30,525
[Sniffs]
154
00:05:30,550 --> 00:05:31,837
Ohh.
155
00:05:33,345 --> 00:05:34,937
[Water running]
156
00:05:35,739 --> 00:05:36,905
Ohh!
157
00:05:36,965 --> 00:05:38,410
- [Computer beeps]
- It's an e-mail for Luke
158
00:05:38,435 --> 00:05:39,800
from my alma mater. Let's get him!
159
00:05:39,825 --> 00:05:41,650
Oh, no, no! No, what
if it's more bad news?
160
00:05:41,675 --> 00:05:43,322
Maybe you should read it first.
161
00:05:43,347 --> 00:05:45,125
Claire, I am as anxious as you are
162
00:05:45,150 --> 00:05:47,228
to find out if he's gonna be
a Bulldog like his old man,
163
00:05:47,253 --> 00:05:48,996
but we can't violate his trust.
164
00:05:49,021 --> 00:05:51,165
Sure, we could mark it as
unread to cover our tracks,
165
00:05:51,190 --> 00:05:53,189
- but we'd know...
- He didn't get in.
166
00:05:53,214 --> 00:05:55,582
What?! He's a legacy!
167
00:05:55,607 --> 00:05:58,342
Bulldog drool courses through his jowls!
168
00:05:58,367 --> 00:06:00,634
I know, and it's his seventh rejection.
169
00:06:00,659 --> 00:06:02,467
He's gonna be so disappointed.
170
00:06:02,535 --> 00:06:04,704
And embarrassed. We have
that dinner at Jay's tonight.
171
00:06:04,729 --> 00:06:06,137
I bet Manny got in everywhere.
172
00:06:06,205 --> 00:06:07,782
Oh, God.
173
00:06:07,807 --> 00:06:08,907
Is this it?
174
00:06:08,932 --> 00:06:10,818
I mean, is Luke not going to college?
175
00:06:10,843 --> 00:06:12,181
It's not over.
176
00:06:12,206 --> 00:06:13,361
- [Keyboard clacks]
- Delete.
177
00:06:13,386 --> 00:06:14,798
- What are you doing?
- I'm driving up there
178
00:06:14,823 --> 00:06:16,236
to tell them they made a mistake.
179
00:06:16,261 --> 00:06:17,749
They'd be lucky to have a kid like Luke.
180
00:06:17,816 --> 00:06:19,353
Well, I guess it... it can't hurt.
181
00:06:19,378 --> 00:06:21,646
I mean, it's not like
they can super reject him.
182
00:06:21,879 --> 00:06:24,394
Although, Michigan did
use that exact term.
183
00:06:24,941 --> 00:06:26,722
Man: You're on Caliente 96.3
184
00:06:26,747 --> 00:06:28,292
with Diego and The Donkey.
185
00:06:28,317 --> 00:06:29,432
Hello! Yes!
186
00:06:29,535 --> 00:06:31,770
I'm calling about the
Gloria Estefan tickets.
187
00:06:31,795 --> 00:06:33,866
And they're all yours if you
can complete this lyric...
188
00:06:33,891 --> 00:06:36,011
- "Turn the blank around."
- Mm...
189
00:06:36,106 --> 00:06:37,939
One of her biggest hits from the '90s.
190
00:06:37,964 --> 00:06:39,074
We've been playing it all morning.
191
00:06:39,142 --> 00:06:41,486
- "Turn the car around."
- Nope. Two more guesses.
192
00:06:41,511 --> 00:06:44,011
- "Turn the boat around."
- [Imitates buzzer] Try again.
193
00:06:44,036 --> 00:06:45,514
"Turn the economy around"!
194
00:06:45,581 --> 00:06:46,988
[Trombone plays]
195
00:06:47,013 --> 00:06:48,940
- You're an ass.
- [Donkey brays]
196
00:06:48,965 --> 00:06:50,232
Damn it!
197
00:06:51,788 --> 00:06:53,847
Wow. I just got super
accepted to Michigan.
198
00:06:53,872 --> 00:06:56,335
He's the second Delgado
to go to college.
199
00:06:56,360 --> 00:06:59,910
My cousin went to the best
medical school in Colombia.
200
00:06:59,942 --> 00:07:01,910
They would not just accept any cadaver.
201
00:07:01,978 --> 00:07:03,777
- Okay, Mom, let's go.
- Oh, yeah, but wait.
202
00:07:03,802 --> 00:07:06,808
You remember when your
head was this tiny?
203
00:07:06,833 --> 00:07:09,340
Okay. Mom, Mom, I
think I'm set for hats.
204
00:07:09,443 --> 00:07:11,744
Manny: I know when a female's
about to burst into tears.
205
00:07:11,769 --> 00:07:13,388
I've seen it enough times.
206
00:07:13,456 --> 00:07:14,590
I had to keep my mom away
207
00:07:14,615 --> 00:07:17,019
from anything that reminded
her I was moving away
208
00:07:17,044 --> 00:07:19,246
and keep myself away
from Williams Sonoma.
209
00:07:19,271 --> 00:07:20,543
I could lose an afternoon.
210
00:07:20,568 --> 00:07:22,049
[Puppies whine]
211
00:07:22,074 --> 00:07:23,793
A pet store. These are fun.
212
00:07:23,848 --> 00:07:25,332
I think he misses his mommy.
213
00:07:25,357 --> 00:07:27,725
He'll forget about her by
the time we get to the car.
214
00:07:27,918 --> 00:07:29,833
On second thought, let's catch a movie.
215
00:07:29,858 --> 00:07:32,093
They always help keep
your mind off of things.
216
00:07:32,390 --> 00:07:33,823
- Oh.
- _
217
00:07:35,082 --> 00:07:36,516
Wait, Officer... no!
218
00:07:36,541 --> 00:07:38,762
My car is only here because
I was being responsible!
219
00:07:38,787 --> 00:07:40,020
I was babysitting my uncle Joe
220
00:07:40,045 --> 00:07:41,579
and got too drunk to drive home!
221
00:07:41,604 --> 00:07:42,732
[Grunts]
222
00:07:43,471 --> 00:07:45,388
What is this thing?!
223
00:07:45,413 --> 00:07:46,583
The Barnacle.
224
00:07:46,607 --> 00:07:49,349
They stick it on your car when
you have unpaid parking tickets.
225
00:07:49,374 --> 00:07:50,741
I couldn't let my parents see it,
226
00:07:50,766 --> 00:07:51,997
because I knew they'd just overreact
227
00:07:52,022 --> 00:07:54,060
and lecture me about
being irresponsible,
228
00:07:54,085 --> 00:07:55,317
and I couldn't pay to remove it
229
00:07:55,342 --> 00:07:56,794
because I just maxed out my credit card
230
00:07:56,819 --> 00:07:59,536
on these insanely expensive
pair of sunglasses.
231
00:07:59,739 --> 00:08:01,200
I don't love 'em.
232
00:08:01,575 --> 00:08:02,809
Cameron: Okay.
233
00:08:03,878 --> 00:08:07,047
I just had to re-create
Lily's painting of Pig Lily,
234
00:08:07,100 --> 00:08:08,825
and she'd be none the wiser.
235
00:08:08,850 --> 00:08:12,458
Oh, it's like painting with sausages.
236
00:08:12,943 --> 00:08:15,245
Sorry, Cam, no pig
painting by Lily here.
237
00:08:15,270 --> 00:08:17,277
I do have some random scribbles
238
00:08:17,302 --> 00:08:19,170
that Luke made when he was...
239
00:08:19,230 --> 00:08:20,823
huh, that's a little
later than I'd hoped.
240
00:08:20,848 --> 00:08:22,161
- [Doorbell chimes]
- Cameron: Fine.
241
00:08:22,186 --> 00:08:23,553
Not a word of this to Mitchell.
242
00:08:23,578 --> 00:08:24,957
I'm sure you're curious why.
243
00:08:24,982 --> 00:08:26,591
- Wrong again.
- [Cellphone beeps]
244
00:08:28,966 --> 00:08:30,138
Hi. You're the first one here.
245
00:08:30,163 --> 00:08:31,778
Don't worry. We don't
have to make conversation.
246
00:08:31,803 --> 00:08:33,273
Ooh! A scrapbook!
247
00:08:33,298 --> 00:08:34,732
Aww, look at this.
248
00:08:34,757 --> 00:08:36,966
All of our old school projects...
249
00:08:36,991 --> 00:08:38,692
paintings by me and Claire.
250
00:08:38,717 --> 00:08:40,918
Aww! You're just a big
softie, aren't 'cha?
251
00:08:40,943 --> 00:08:43,445
My lawyer's secretary put
that together for my image
252
00:08:43,470 --> 00:08:44,737
at the divorce trial.
253
00:08:44,762 --> 00:08:46,708
There's the old bear. Grr!
254
00:08:46,733 --> 00:08:48,317
Oh, this is from my 8th birthday.
255
00:08:48,341 --> 00:08:51,152
I made Mom throw a party
with a whole farm theme.
256
00:08:51,177 --> 00:08:52,444
You know what? I need this.
257
00:08:52,512 --> 00:08:54,403
Cam thinks I look down on his farm life.
258
00:08:54,428 --> 00:08:55,701
- This'll prove to him that...
- Bup, bup, bup.
259
00:08:55,726 --> 00:08:56,747
This comes with a price.
260
00:08:56,772 --> 00:08:58,573
You can get me Gloria
Estefan tickets, right?
261
00:08:58,598 --> 00:08:59,841
Dad, that is offensive.
262
00:08:59,866 --> 00:09:02,763
Not every gay person is
connected to Gloria Estefan.
263
00:09:02,788 --> 00:09:03,999
- But you are, right?
- [Inhales sharply]
264
00:09:04,024 --> 00:09:05,263
It's complicated.
265
00:09:05,288 --> 00:09:08,107
Cam briefly dated a member
of Gloria Estefan's band,
266
00:09:08,132 --> 00:09:09,404
The Miami Sound Machine.
267
00:09:09,429 --> 00:09:11,075
He doesn't talk about it much.
268
00:09:11,100 --> 00:09:14,002
Just whenever someone
mentions her or Miami.
269
00:09:14,130 --> 00:09:15,898
Or humidity.
270
00:09:15,923 --> 00:09:17,083
Well...
271
00:09:17,108 --> 00:09:19,270
when I get the tickets,
you get the picture.
272
00:09:19,295 --> 00:09:20,695
Mean!
273
00:09:20,821 --> 00:09:21,856
Hey, hey!
274
00:09:22,076 --> 00:09:23,755
Um, how would you feel about asking Cam
275
00:09:23,780 --> 00:09:26,346
to use his connections to get two
Gloria Estefan tickets for tonight
276
00:09:26,413 --> 00:09:27,964
and then secretly giving them to me?
277
00:09:27,996 --> 00:09:31,113
I'll do it, but I need you
to help me with my car first.
278
00:09:31,138 --> 00:09:32,614
I'd ask my parents, but...
279
00:09:32,639 --> 00:09:34,028
They wouldn't understand.
It's not your fault.
280
00:09:34,053 --> 00:09:36,145
Yeah. Okay. Let's go. Mm-hmm.
281
00:09:36,457 --> 00:09:38,403
Are we sure this is
the best way to do this?
282
00:09:38,428 --> 00:09:39,833
All we have to do is
283
00:09:39,858 --> 00:09:42,223
make sure that my parents don't
see it by moving it down the street.
284
00:09:42,248 --> 00:09:43,728
- Okay? Hold on.
- I'm your eyes.
285
00:09:43,753 --> 00:09:44,903
Hug the curb.
286
00:09:44,928 --> 00:09:46,395
Haley, just... all right.
Straighten out.
287
00:09:46,420 --> 00:09:48,083
T-turn on your hazards.
288
00:09:48,108 --> 00:09:50,645
- That's the windshield wiper!
- Haley: You're on my leg! Move!
289
00:09:50,670 --> 00:09:52,833
Oh, God! There's a tree...
290
00:09:53,310 --> 00:09:54,335
Mitchell: All right.
291
00:09:54,360 --> 00:09:56,295
Let's just breathe,
let's take a moment...
292
00:09:56,320 --> 00:09:58,614
- Can you just get off my leg, please?
- I'm not... I'm s... I'm not...
293
00:09:58,693 --> 00:10:00,499
- Are we going backwards?
- You put us in reverse.
294
00:10:00,524 --> 00:10:01,731
Okay, hit the brake.
295
00:10:01,756 --> 00:10:03,190
That is the gas!
296
00:10:03,215 --> 00:10:04,872
How do you have a license?!
297
00:10:04,897 --> 00:10:06,988
I can't move! You're on my leg!
298
00:10:07,013 --> 00:10:08,296
[Both scream]
299
00:10:08,888 --> 00:10:11,130
Okay. Good first try.
300
00:10:11,234 --> 00:10:12,267
[Both breathing shallowly]
301
00:10:12,292 --> 00:10:15,122
Can't believe you didn't treat
yourself to a Bulldog Blast.
302
00:10:15,147 --> 00:10:16,981
Isn't that basically just sugar, ice,
303
00:10:17,006 --> 00:10:19,060
and the stuff they you use
to cover the Blue Man Group?
304
00:10:19,085 --> 00:10:20,131
- Hi.
- Hi.
305
00:10:20,156 --> 00:10:21,523
We're here to see the
Dean of Admissions.
306
00:10:21,548 --> 00:10:23,049
We called. We're the Dunphys.
307
00:10:23,074 --> 00:10:24,700
- [Keyboard clacking]
- Ah. I'll tell Dean Hinden you're here.
308
00:10:24,725 --> 00:10:26,326
Um, eh... Hinden?
309
00:10:26,351 --> 00:10:28,005
Yes. Dean Rudolf Hinden.
310
00:10:29,340 --> 00:10:30,907
I have a bad feeling.
311
00:10:30,932 --> 00:10:33,208
Well, honey, you did just
have two of those antifreezes.
312
00:10:33,233 --> 00:10:34,286
No.
313
00:10:34,311 --> 00:10:36,419
Rudy Hinden... we were classmates.
314
00:10:36,444 --> 00:10:38,944
Super annoying... always "On."
315
00:10:38,969 --> 00:10:41,123
We cheered together,
we... we tumbled together,
316
00:10:41,148 --> 00:10:42,481
we rolled around together,
317
00:10:42,506 --> 00:10:43,927
[hushed] but we were never close.
318
00:10:43,952 --> 00:10:46,442
When I say "Bull," you say "Dog"!
319
00:10:46,467 --> 00:10:47,622
- Bull!
- Dog!
320
00:10:47,647 --> 00:10:48,692
- Bull!
- Dog!
321
00:10:48,717 --> 00:10:49,755
- Hey, Rudy!
- [Laughs]
322
00:10:49,780 --> 00:10:51,147
This is my wife Claire.
323
00:10:51,172 --> 00:10:52,306
- Hi.
- Pleasure.
324
00:10:52,331 --> 00:10:53,966
- Nice to meet you.
- Wow.
325
00:10:53,991 --> 00:10:55,716
Well, please come on in.
326
00:10:55,741 --> 00:10:58,520
- Oh! Great trampoline.
- Thanks.
327
00:10:58,545 --> 00:11:00,864
I like to bounce at
least 20 minutes a day.
328
00:11:00,889 --> 00:11:02,372
- It's where I get my best ideas.
- Okay.
329
00:11:02,397 --> 00:11:03,755
- How quirky.
- [Phone rings]
330
00:11:03,780 --> 00:11:05,005
Oh, hey, Phil,
331
00:11:05,092 --> 00:11:07,044
where were Nationals senior year?
332
00:11:07,069 --> 00:11:08,638
Cleveland, Oh... Hi-o!
333
00:11:08,654 --> 00:11:10,966
[Hushed] Can you imagine putting
up with this for years on end?
334
00:11:10,991 --> 00:11:12,216
It's hard.
335
00:11:12,241 --> 00:11:13,771
Tell you what, I'll
give it some bounce time
336
00:11:13,796 --> 00:11:15,474
and hit you back with an answer.
337
00:11:15,499 --> 00:11:16,724
- [Hangs up phone]
- Listen, you seem busy.
338
00:11:16,749 --> 00:11:17,770
I'll get straight to it.
339
00:11:17,795 --> 00:11:20,200
Our son Luke applied and didn't get in,
340
00:11:20,225 --> 00:11:22,231
and I think it's worth reconsidering.
341
00:11:22,256 --> 00:11:24,524
He's a great kid. He's
just a late bloomer.
342
00:11:24,549 --> 00:11:27,263
Okay. I think we can make
something happen for your boy.
343
00:11:27,288 --> 00:11:28,396
Really?
344
00:11:28,421 --> 00:11:30,505
Yeah, we've let in way
worse applicants than him.
345
00:11:30,530 --> 00:11:31,897
- [Laughing] Rudy!
- Wha... [Laughs]
346
00:11:31,922 --> 00:11:34,833
- Thank you! You're the BEST best!
- Yeah.
347
00:11:34,858 --> 00:11:36,625
No problemo.
348
00:11:36,650 --> 00:11:38,083
I'll just, uh...
349
00:11:39,292 --> 00:11:40,661
Hey. [Chuckles]
350
00:11:40,716 --> 00:11:42,095
While you're here,
351
00:11:42,120 --> 00:11:43,603
I've always wanted to ask you something.
352
00:11:43,611 --> 00:11:45,360
You remember that magic
trick you used to do
353
00:11:45,385 --> 00:11:47,640
where you got out of a
straitjacket blindfolded?
354
00:11:47,665 --> 00:11:50,517
- Barnum's Humbug.
- Yeah. That one.
355
00:11:50,603 --> 00:11:52,767
- How'd you do it?
- Magic.
356
00:11:52,792 --> 00:11:54,650
- I-I feel like...
- No, no, no, really...
357
00:11:54,675 --> 00:11:56,462
I've been trying to
figure it out for years.
358
00:11:56,487 --> 00:11:58,571
Um, I'm sorry. It's...
It's not customary
359
00:11:58,596 --> 00:12:00,907
for a magician to reveal his secrets.
360
00:12:00,932 --> 00:12:03,509
It's also not "customary"
for a dean of admissions
361
00:12:03,534 --> 00:12:06,040
to alter an applicant's status, so...
362
00:12:07,483 --> 00:12:09,829
I'll go get the
straitjacket from the nurse.
363
00:12:10,400 --> 00:12:12,118
You're gonna do it, right?
364
00:12:12,143 --> 00:12:13,626
I don't know.
365
00:12:13,879 --> 00:12:15,650
Let me bounce on it.
366
00:12:17,804 --> 00:12:18,937
Phil.
367
00:12:19,858 --> 00:12:21,319
Claire: Sweetheart?
368
00:12:21,527 --> 00:12:23,339
Phil. Honey.
369
00:12:23,410 --> 00:12:25,600
Phil, you can't possibly be
struggling with this decision.
370
00:12:25,625 --> 00:12:26,992
Do you know what happens to magicians
371
00:12:27,060 --> 00:12:28,477
who reveal their secrets, Claire?
372
00:12:28,502 --> 00:12:30,769
- They're shunned.
- Doesn't that happen already?
373
00:12:30,794 --> 00:12:31,994
Listen, I possess knowledge
374
00:12:32,019 --> 00:12:33,853
passed down from the
ancient Egyptian conjurers
375
00:12:33,878 --> 00:12:35,612
to the prestidigitators of the Dark Ages
376
00:12:35,637 --> 00:12:37,339
to the amateur illusionists of today.
377
00:12:37,364 --> 00:12:38,613
I am worried about another trick.
378
00:12:38,638 --> 00:12:40,355
I am trying to make our son disappear
379
00:12:40,380 --> 00:12:42,793
to a barely accredited
four-year college.
380
00:12:42,818 --> 00:12:45,004
- There he is.
- Okay, here we are.
381
00:12:45,029 --> 00:12:47,988
Why don't you go ahead and put these on.
382
00:12:48,726 --> 00:12:50,527
No, no, no. In here.
383
00:12:50,552 --> 00:12:51,941
I want to make sure I get this.
384
00:12:51,966 --> 00:12:54,223
- I want to see everything.
- Hm.
385
00:12:54,615 --> 00:12:56,793
- Okay.
- Okay, I got it.
386
00:12:59,232 --> 00:13:01,894
I didn't quite grasp what
I was asking Phil to do,
387
00:13:01,919 --> 00:13:03,535
but, um...
388
00:13:03,824 --> 00:13:05,214
it got weird.
389
00:13:05,239 --> 00:13:06,441
Hinden: Okay.
390
00:13:06,535 --> 00:13:08,112
All right. Whenever you're ready.
391
00:13:08,137 --> 00:13:10,038
Wait, th-this isn't going
on the Internet, is it?
392
00:13:10,063 --> 00:13:11,314
No, it's just for me.
393
00:13:11,339 --> 00:13:13,083
The challenge with this escape is,
394
00:13:13,108 --> 00:13:16,144
uh, releasing the shackles
in the correct order
395
00:13:16,169 --> 00:13:18,355
baring yourself gradually.
396
00:13:18,380 --> 00:13:19,957
Okay, more upbeat. Do the patter.
397
00:13:19,982 --> 00:13:22,043
- What?
- I want to hear the old patter.
398
00:13:22,293 --> 00:13:23,410
[Grunts]
399
00:13:23,435 --> 00:13:24,777
Blindfold him.
400
00:13:24,994 --> 00:13:27,395
- Take it.
- Yes... sir.
401
00:13:27,420 --> 00:13:28,473
Um...
402
00:13:28,498 --> 00:13:29,650
[Chuckles]
403
00:13:29,675 --> 00:13:30,872
Phil.
404
00:13:30,897 --> 00:13:33,377
Honey, you don't have to do this.
405
00:13:33,402 --> 00:13:35,449
- Luke can join the army.
- It's okay.
406
00:13:35,591 --> 00:13:37,660
I may be locked up, but my mind is free.
407
00:13:37,685 --> 00:13:38,785
Okay.
408
00:13:38,810 --> 00:13:40,566
Imagine yourself in a museum
409
00:13:40,574 --> 00:13:43,643
- filled with the world's oddities.
- No, no, no, no. Slow down.
410
00:13:43,738 --> 00:13:44,894
Enjoy it.
411
00:13:44,919 --> 00:13:46,079
And turn around...
412
00:13:46,147 --> 00:13:48,324
so I can get a good look at the back.
413
00:13:49,098 --> 00:13:50,631
Let me see the back.
414
00:13:50,656 --> 00:13:53,300
Behold the freak...
415
00:13:53,485 --> 00:13:57,322
for all to see.
416
00:13:59,245 --> 00:14:00,746
Go get my tickets.
417
00:14:01,157 --> 00:14:03,297
Is my hair a mess? It's so humid out.
418
00:14:03,322 --> 00:14:05,755
You want to talk about humidity?
I once spent a steamy weekend
419
00:14:05,780 --> 00:14:07,899
with a certain member of
the Miami Sound Machine.
420
00:14:07,924 --> 00:14:09,469
- [Chuckles]
- That's crazy!
421
00:14:09,494 --> 00:14:11,079
Do you know that
they're in town tonight?
422
00:14:11,104 --> 00:14:13,032
- What?
- Can you get me two tickets?
423
00:14:13,057 --> 00:14:15,383
Oh, my God. These hands...
424
00:14:15,408 --> 00:14:17,634
they're so small and
delicate like a child.
425
00:14:17,659 --> 00:14:18,760
I know.
426
00:14:18,785 --> 00:14:20,805
This watch came from
an American Girl doll.
427
00:14:20,830 --> 00:14:23,157
- Are you gonna hook me up or what?
- Yes, yes.
428
00:14:23,205 --> 00:14:25,344
Just as soon as you and
your tiny little hands
429
00:14:25,369 --> 00:14:27,102
re-create a painting for me.
430
00:14:27,127 --> 00:14:28,204
This way.
431
00:14:29,102 --> 00:14:30,235
What do you think?
432
00:14:30,260 --> 00:14:31,836
I was going for dark and mysterious,
433
00:14:31,861 --> 00:14:34,680
but I'm afraid I circled right
back to cute and approachable.
434
00:14:36,493 --> 00:14:38,452
Oh, she's so lucky.
435
00:14:38,477 --> 00:14:40,790
He's always gonna be her little boy.
436
00:14:40,814 --> 00:14:42,703
Mom, you're projecting
on these mannequins.
437
00:14:42,728 --> 00:14:44,196
For all we know, he's a little person,
438
00:14:44,221 --> 00:14:45,805
and that's his wife who's evolved enough
439
00:14:45,830 --> 00:14:47,430
to see how big he is on the inside.
440
00:14:47,455 --> 00:14:50,024
Manny, I know what you've been
trying to do the whole day.
441
00:14:50,049 --> 00:14:51,607
I am not about to have a breakdown
442
00:14:51,632 --> 00:14:53,233
because you're going to college.
443
00:14:53,258 --> 00:14:55,360
I was awake last night when
you were brushing my hair.
444
00:14:55,385 --> 00:14:56,961
Okay, yes, it's going to be hard
445
00:14:56,986 --> 00:14:58,586
because you're gonna be far away,
446
00:14:58,611 --> 00:15:01,047
so I'm not gonna get
to see you all the time.
447
00:15:01,072 --> 00:15:02,739
But we'll still talk on the phone.
448
00:15:02,764 --> 00:15:04,665
Yeah, at the beginning, but
then you're gonna get busy,
449
00:15:04,690 --> 00:15:06,633
and then I am going to get busy.
450
00:15:06,673 --> 00:15:08,007
Too busy to take my calls?
451
00:15:08,075 --> 00:15:09,751
I have made peace with it.
452
00:15:09,776 --> 00:15:11,720
Your childhood days are over.
453
00:15:11,745 --> 00:15:13,758
Justina: Guillermo, come back here!
454
00:15:14,071 --> 00:15:15,287
What are you doing?
455
00:15:15,312 --> 00:15:16,825
Don't run away from your mother.
456
00:15:16,850 --> 00:15:19,102
Life is going to tear
you apart soon enough.
457
00:15:19,127 --> 00:15:20,907
I want to go on the merry-go-round.
458
00:15:20,932 --> 00:15:22,149
Oh, you're on it.
459
00:15:22,174 --> 00:15:24,375
You've got 10 years
left with that woman.
460
00:15:24,400 --> 00:15:26,907
Cherish them. Cherish her.
461
00:15:28,359 --> 00:15:29,718
Thanks?
462
00:15:29,902 --> 00:15:32,219
I think maybe I'm freaking
out about going to school.
463
00:15:32,244 --> 00:15:33,544
I see that.
464
00:15:33,569 --> 00:15:35,503
But we're gonna be okay.
465
00:15:35,528 --> 00:15:38,029
Being apart is just gonna
make nights like tonight,
466
00:15:38,054 --> 00:15:39,938
going to a concert, even more special.
467
00:15:39,963 --> 00:15:41,977
- No!
- Guillermo!
468
00:15:42,002 --> 00:15:43,040
I don't want to!
469
00:15:43,065 --> 00:15:44,790
Okay, now it's just bad parenting.
470
00:15:45,167 --> 00:15:46,626
This is excellent work.
471
00:15:46,651 --> 00:15:48,752
- Excellent work.
- Really?
472
00:15:48,777 --> 00:15:50,547
I'm not used to hearing that.
473
00:15:50,572 --> 00:15:51,907
I get why people try now.
474
00:15:51,932 --> 00:15:53,977
Is that my painting? Why is it here?
475
00:15:54,002 --> 00:15:57,360
Um, oh, well, because it was on
loan to your grandma and grandpa
476
00:15:57,385 --> 00:15:59,383
just like they do with real art.
477
00:15:59,408 --> 00:16:01,704
Better than most of
the stuff in this house.
478
00:16:01,729 --> 00:16:03,429
Now get me those Gloria Esteban tickets.
479
00:16:03,454 --> 00:16:04,946
It's Estefan.
480
00:16:04,971 --> 00:16:06,338
That's what I said. I'm a huge fan.
481
00:16:06,363 --> 00:16:07,494
Okay.
482
00:16:07,666 --> 00:16:09,634
Carlos, Carlos.
483
00:16:09,748 --> 00:16:11,048
Hey... hey, Carlos.
484
00:16:11,073 --> 00:16:13,107
Um, this, uh, Cameron Tucker.
485
00:16:13,165 --> 00:16:14,332
I don't know if you remember me or not.
486
00:16:14,399 --> 00:16:15,985
Oh, you... you do.
487
00:16:16,010 --> 00:16:17,032
Okay, hi.
488
00:16:17,057 --> 00:16:19,625
Yeah, wondering if I
could get a couple tickets
489
00:16:19,650 --> 00:16:21,508
for the show tonight.
490
00:16:22,140 --> 00:16:23,985
Gloria Estefan.
491
00:16:24,671 --> 00:16:27,985
Because you're in the
Miami Sound Machine, silly.
492
00:16:29,196 --> 00:16:30,518
What?
493
00:16:30,543 --> 00:16:33,032
It was loud in the bar
the night I met Carlos,
494
00:16:33,057 --> 00:16:35,676
and it turns out he is not a member
495
00:16:35,701 --> 00:16:38,579
of the legendary band,
the Miami Sound Machine.
496
00:16:39,032 --> 00:16:41,796
He owns a mobile dog grooming business
497
00:16:41,821 --> 00:16:44,594
called Miami's Hound Machine.
498
00:16:45,423 --> 00:16:47,274
In retrospect, I didn't
need to be as alarmed
499
00:16:47,299 --> 00:16:50,268
with his collection
of leashes and collars.
500
00:16:50,293 --> 00:16:52,060
Phil: Okay, everybody, gather round.
501
00:16:52,085 --> 00:16:54,024
Luke has one more college to hear from,
502
00:16:54,049 --> 00:16:55,680
and I got a good feeling about this one.
503
00:16:55,705 --> 00:16:56,727
Yeah.
504
00:16:56,759 --> 00:16:58,055
Mom, can we not do this here?
505
00:16:58,080 --> 00:16:59,641
Oh, come on, have a little faith.
506
00:16:59,666 --> 00:17:01,680
Okay, cannon's ready. And record.
507
00:17:01,705 --> 00:17:02,735
Record, got it.
508
00:17:02,760 --> 00:17:03,876
Any time, buddy.
509
00:17:03,901 --> 00:17:05,360
All right, everyone,
get ready to tell me
510
00:17:05,385 --> 00:17:06,735
how I'm my own kind of smart
511
00:17:06,760 --> 00:17:08,868
and how everyone takes their own path.
512
00:17:09,355 --> 00:17:10,493
[Gasps] Wow.
513
00:17:10,518 --> 00:17:12,071
You're a different kind of smart,
514
00:17:12,096 --> 00:17:13,266
- and everyone...
- Jay: Kind of smart.
515
00:17:13,291 --> 00:17:15,126
- Everybody takes their own path.
- I got in?
516
00:17:15,203 --> 00:17:17,195
What?! He got in!
517
00:17:17,220 --> 00:17:18,478
He got in!!
518
00:17:18,503 --> 00:17:20,438
[All cheering]
519
00:17:20,462 --> 00:17:23,297
- You got in!
- What is wrong with this thing?
520
00:17:23,365 --> 00:17:25,433
Wait, this doesn't make any sense.
521
00:17:25,500 --> 00:17:27,168
I got rejected by
worse schools than this.
522
00:17:27,235 --> 00:17:28,302
Why would they want me?
523
00:17:28,370 --> 00:17:29,737
Why wouldn't they want you?
524
00:17:29,762 --> 00:17:31,266
Honey, it's not all about grades.
525
00:17:31,291 --> 00:17:33,204
I mean, you were involved in... in...
526
00:17:33,229 --> 00:17:34,930
- Yay!
- [All cheering]
527
00:17:34,955 --> 00:17:37,211
- Did you talk to them?
- I'm sorry, what?
528
00:17:37,236 --> 00:17:38,469
[Laptop slams]
529
00:17:38,494 --> 00:17:39,540
Show me your tongue.
530
00:17:39,565 --> 00:17:41,196
I don't know what that would prove.
531
00:17:42,392 --> 00:17:44,219
This kind of seems like an
embarrassing family moment.
532
00:17:44,244 --> 00:17:45,446
- I'm on it.
- [Exhales sharply]
533
00:17:45,471 --> 00:17:47,063
Blue! You can't go to that campus
534
00:17:47,088 --> 00:17:48,282
without getting a Bulldog Blast.
535
00:17:48,307 --> 00:17:50,086
We went up there to tell
them they made a mistake.
536
00:17:50,111 --> 00:17:51,578
They didn't make a mistake,
537
00:17:51,603 --> 00:17:52,937
and neither did the other schools.
538
00:17:52,962 --> 00:17:55,321
- I'm not going.
- Honey, it's your last chance.
539
00:17:55,346 --> 00:17:56,899
Then I'll wait until next year.
540
00:17:56,924 --> 00:17:59,376
- If I go, I want to deserve it.
- I can respect that.
541
00:17:59,401 --> 00:18:01,547
Nobody asked for your
opinion, thank you.
542
00:18:01,572 --> 00:18:02,602
You're going.
543
00:18:02,627 --> 00:18:03,944
You have no idea what
your father went through
544
00:18:03,969 --> 00:18:05,169
to get you this opportunity.
545
00:18:05,194 --> 00:18:07,946
He debased himself in
ways you can't imagine.
546
00:18:08,093 --> 00:18:10,110
- You said it wasn't that bad.
- [Cellphone chimes]
547
00:18:10,135 --> 00:18:11,172
Gloria: What are you watching?
548
00:18:11,197 --> 00:18:12,697
Our neighbor sent me a video.
549
00:18:12,722 --> 00:18:14,089
It's of Haley and Mitchell.
550
00:18:14,114 --> 00:18:15,969
Oh. No, that's... okay,
we don't need to...
551
00:18:15,994 --> 00:18:16,993
Mitchell: It's taking forever.
552
00:18:17,018 --> 00:18:19,040
- Haley: I'm pushing as hard as I can.
- Whoa. Wait.
553
00:18:19,065 --> 00:18:21,166
You have one of those
things on your windshield?
554
00:18:21,191 --> 00:18:23,297
How many parking tickets do you have?
555
00:18:23,322 --> 00:18:25,438
I think we're focused
on the wrong thing here.
556
00:18:25,463 --> 00:18:26,999
Luke's not going to college.
557
00:18:27,024 --> 00:18:28,610
Why is your finger pink?
558
00:18:29,141 --> 00:18:30,305
This isn't mine.
559
00:18:30,329 --> 00:18:31,730
I knew the perspective was off.
560
00:18:31,797 --> 00:18:34,299
It's Cam's fault. He made
me copy it from a photo.
561
00:18:34,324 --> 00:18:36,586
You know what? I accidentally
destroyed the original,
562
00:18:36,611 --> 00:18:37,829
and I couldn't live without it.
563
00:18:37,854 --> 00:18:39,688
Mitchell Pritchett, Parenting Magazine.
564
00:18:39,713 --> 00:18:42,338
How is forging a child's
painting any less egregious
565
00:18:42,363 --> 00:18:43,852
than replacing a pig's ashes
566
00:18:43,877 --> 00:18:45,545
with Mrs. Pasternak's dead husband?
567
00:18:45,570 --> 00:18:46,670
It's not.
568
00:18:46,695 --> 00:18:48,729
I'm a hypocrite. My whole life is a lie.
569
00:18:48,754 --> 00:18:50,711
Carlos isn't really in
the Miami Sound Machine.
570
00:18:50,736 --> 00:18:52,503
He's just a... a basic dog groomer.
571
00:18:52,528 --> 00:18:54,462
Save your money. I couldn't
get you your tickets.
572
00:18:54,516 --> 00:18:55,790
Claire: You're spending money on tickets
573
00:18:55,815 --> 00:18:57,149
when you should be
spending money on ticket...
574
00:18:57,174 --> 00:18:58,374
you know what I mean.
575
00:18:58,399 --> 00:19:00,305
The concert tickets were for Mitchell.
576
00:19:00,330 --> 00:19:01,915
- So you didn't get my tickets?
- No.
577
00:19:01,940 --> 00:19:03,610
So you didn't get my tickets.
578
00:19:03,635 --> 00:19:06,344
The website was insane. You'd
need the reflexes of a mongoose.
579
00:19:06,345 --> 00:19:07,540
You lied to me.
580
00:19:07,565 --> 00:19:09,690
Well, look around! Everybody's lying.
581
00:19:09,715 --> 00:19:11,283
Forging paintings, driving blind,
582
00:19:11,350 --> 00:19:12,477
swapping ashes.
583
00:19:12,502 --> 00:19:14,495
I didn't want to ruin the Pig Moon.
584
00:19:14,520 --> 00:19:16,429
There is no Pig Moon.
585
00:19:16,454 --> 00:19:18,821
How backwards do you think
Grasshopper, Missouri is?
586
00:19:18,846 --> 00:19:21,335
[All shouting at once]
587
00:19:21,360 --> 00:19:23,094
Guys, guys. I've got this.
588
00:19:23,162 --> 00:19:24,462
Guys.
589
00:19:24,530 --> 00:19:25,864
I talked to Judge Tager.
590
00:19:25,932 --> 00:19:27,799
He'll make your parking
tickets disappear
591
00:19:27,867 --> 00:19:30,047
in return for a couple of Cubans.
592
00:19:30,072 --> 00:19:31,360
You took three.
593
00:19:31,385 --> 00:19:33,899
The other one is for the
security guard at the club.
594
00:19:33,924 --> 00:19:35,985
He moonlights where
Estefan's playing tonight.
595
00:19:36,010 --> 00:19:37,813
He'll meet you by the stage door.
596
00:19:37,944 --> 00:19:40,196
Thank you for fixing Jay's lies.
597
00:19:40,221 --> 00:19:42,422
We all struggle with the truth.
598
00:19:42,447 --> 00:19:44,942
Like last Thursday when
I stalled Jay at the club
599
00:19:44,967 --> 00:19:46,883
so you could get Joe
out of the doggy door.
600
00:19:46,908 --> 00:19:49,821
She locked us out, and the stove was on.
601
00:19:49,846 --> 00:19:50,868
And you two.
602
00:19:50,893 --> 00:19:52,548
You know a guy at a
club that can help us?
603
00:19:52,573 --> 00:19:54,474
No. Just talk more.
604
00:19:54,499 --> 00:19:56,305
90% of your problems would be solved
605
00:19:56,330 --> 00:19:57,883
if you just discussed things.
606
00:19:57,908 --> 00:19:59,275
The Vanderkoff is a knock-off.
607
00:19:59,300 --> 00:20:00,657
I burnt a hole in the knock-off,
608
00:20:00,682 --> 00:20:01,915
and I had replaced it with a real one.
609
00:20:01,940 --> 00:20:03,751
Okay, everything's settled here.
610
00:20:03,776 --> 00:20:06,188
I think the steaks are
ready. Let's go eat.
611
00:20:07,524 --> 00:20:10,282
Well, I guess our son isn't
going to college this year.
612
00:20:10,307 --> 00:20:12,602
I know, and I know we're
supposed to be worried about him.
613
00:20:12,627 --> 00:20:15,226
But do you see what he just did,
614
00:20:15,251 --> 00:20:18,155
how he solved everybody's
problems like that?
615
00:20:18,180 --> 00:20:20,133
It's pretty incredible, right?
616
00:20:20,158 --> 00:20:21,594
That's a Dunphy man, Claire...
617
00:20:21,619 --> 00:20:22,836
resourceful, cool,
618
00:20:22,861 --> 00:20:25,516
and just the right amount
of savoir faire.
619
00:20:26,905 --> 00:20:29,295
I'll, uh... I'll see you in the kitchen.
620
00:20:30,632 --> 00:20:33,803
- So, this is a real Vanderkoff.
- Yeah, yeah.
621
00:20:33,828 --> 00:20:35,903
It feels good to finally
be free of that secret.
622
00:20:35,928 --> 00:20:38,513
Yeah, it's just great to have
everything out in the open.
623
00:20:38,538 --> 00:20:39,912
Yeah.
624
00:20:40,405 --> 00:20:42,005
That expensive painting
you bought me over there,
625
00:20:42,037 --> 00:20:44,071
I moved it to cover up a
hole I made in the wall.
626
00:20:44,096 --> 00:20:46,197
I only paid 25 cents for that
painting at a garage sale,
627
00:20:46,264 --> 00:20:47,665
and I used the rest
of the money on shoes.
628
00:20:47,690 --> 00:20:49,757
I get electrolysis. My
beard grows up to here.
629
00:20:49,868 --> 00:20:51,168
I don't really know how to line dance,
630
00:20:51,251 --> 00:20:52,518
and that's why those
cowboys laughed at you
631
00:20:52,571 --> 00:20:53,637
when you did what I taught you.
632
00:20:53,705 --> 00:20:55,206
[Cat meows]
633
00:20:55,273 --> 00:20:57,187
- That's not Larry.
- That's not Larry.
634
00:20:57,212 --> 00:21:00,274
Synced and corrected by Aaronnmb
www.addic7ed.com
46757
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