All language subtitles for Brooklyn Nine-Nine - 05x17 - DFW

So, do you recognize any
of these men?

I was hiding in
the bathroom stall,

so I didn't see his face.

But I heard him.

He was singing along
to the music at the bar.

Do you remember what
he was singing?

I think it was that song,
"I Want It That Way."

Backstreet Boys.
I'm familiar. Okay.

Number one, could you
please sing the opening

to "I Want It That Way"?

Okay.

♪ You are...

♪ My fire

Number two, keep it going.

♪ The one... desire

- Number three.
- ♪ Believe...

♪ When I say

Number four.

♪ I want it that way

♪ Tell me why!

All: ♪ Ain't nothing but
a heartache ♪

♪ Tell me why!

All: ♪ Ain't nothing but
a mistake ♪

♪ Now number five

♪ I never want to hear you say ♪

- Whoo!
All: ♪ I want it that way

Ah, chills! Literal chills.

It was number five.
Number five killed my brother.

Oh, my God, I forgot
about that part.

♪

You excited?

Yes, I can't believe it's
finally gonna happen.

Aw, you guys are gonna have
sex for the first time.

I'll have you know Amy
and I do sex 24-sevs, 369.

Oh no, I grossly overcompensated

and now it seems
like we have problems.

Mm-hmm.

Great. Jake's sister is
flying in from Dallas,

and we're picking her up
at the airport.

Half-sister.

Turns out that my
slutty pilot dad

made daughters is several major
airline hubs.

ATL and EWR didn't respond when
I reached out, but DFW is DTM.

Down to meet.
Well, we should get going.

Her flight's gonna land soon,
but wish me luck.

I'm about to be a brother.

Captain Holt, I need a...

What's going on?

My doctor said I
should be more active,

but my squash club recently
transitioned to racquetball.

Since I'm not a dope-smoking
hooligan,

I decided to quit.

Boyle is teaching me yoga.

Genevieve got me into it.

You can't believe
how many different ways

I can wrap my legs
around her. Six!

Captain, if you wanted
to be healthier,

why not come to me?
I'm ripped as hell.

Sarge, health is about
flexibility and peace of mind

and bone strength, not
building vanity muscles.

I use all of these.

Even the large neck ones?

They help me sleep
upright on airplanes!

Well, there's no reason
to be defensive,

just because you don't have
the bone strength of a yogi.

We all have our thing.
You're a muscler,

I'm a boner.

Terry can do yoga.

Terry is a yoga beast.

Watch. Give me a yoga to do.

Ah, well, we're in
warrior pose now,

but I suppose for you we can
start in child's pose.

Terry is not a child!

Terry is a warrior.

And...

That didn't sound good.
Are you okay, Jeffords?

I'm fine.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm going to walk out of here
normally

using my trademark tiny steps.

Okay?

Did the Kanye West cannibalism
story finally break?

- Is that a thing?
- Yeah.

He eats tiny little
bites of people

when he hugs them goodbye.

I tipped off Page Six, I don't
know why they're sitting on it.

Just looking on a dating app.

Weird. Lame. Gross.

Dumb. Freak. Loser.

Perv. Toothy. Mouthy.

Well, what happened to Becky?

The girl you were seeing
whose name you wouldn't tell us

so we just started
calling her Becky.

Becky and I broke up.
She ate soup too much.

It happened twice.

Okay, well, listen,
you're in luck.

Because I have the perfect
girl for you,

and I'm actually texting
with her right now.

No. You are terrible
at setting me up.

Remember that dork, Justin?

He was a tattoo artist,

and he rode a motorcycle.
A Yamaha.

He might as well have picked me
up in a station wagon.

You know what, men are
difficult because they're all

secretly monsters, but now
that I know you're bi,

that changes everything.
I know so many great women.

I'm sorry. I just don't think

this is something
you're good at.

The only thing
I'm not good at is modesty,

because I'm great at it.

Okay, according
to the flight board,

she should be here any minute.

I love watching a "TBD"
turn into a gate num.

Why do you look like that?
I'm so nervous.

My hands are shaking and my
butt is hella sweaty.

I totally understand.

I freaked out when I met my
pen pal from Thailand, Mongkut.

But everything worked out,
right?

You and Mongkut are lifelong
friends now.

No, Mongkut turned out to be
a 45-year-old prisoner.

It was a really awkward trip.

That sounds horrible. Amy,

what if this is a Mongkut
situation?

Oh no, that pen pal service
is shut down.

This is your sister.
It's gonna be great.

You just have to relax
and be yourself.

But what if myself isn't
good enough, you know?

What if I'm the Mongkut?

- Jake...
- Right. You're right.

It's gonna be great.
Just got to stay positive.

We're gonna see each other from
across the room,

we'll lock eyes,
I'll say "noice,"

she'll say "toit,"
and then six months later,

we'll be on "The Amazing Race"
together.

Ka... oh, no.

It's me, Kate. Give me a hug.

- Stand down, ma'am.
- Back off, dude!

- That's my brother!
- Oh, no.

It's a Mongkut situation.

So, this is awkward,

but we should probably address

the elephant in the room. Right.

Are we doing table apps
or solo apps?

Uh, table apps and lots of them.

If it is fried,
it must be tried.

Johnny Cochran.
I remember when he said that.

- Jake.
- Right.

So, what I actually meant was,

we should probably talk about
the whole

handcuffs at the airport thing.

I know. I'm so sorry.

That was a really bad
first impression.

It's just, I was on the plane

and started to get
really nervous

about meeting you
for the first time.

I was nervous to meet you too.

My butt got hella sweaty.

I told Amy. You can ask her.
Please don't.

So I went to the bathroom and
started vaping to calm down.

Then this weird-ass lady comes
up to me, and I'm like,

bitch, you're trying to tell me
your kid doesn't like the smell

of cotton candy?

Right, but the only thing
I don't get

is why they would handcuff you
for vaping.

Because they're the worst!

Yeah, Amy, 'cause they're
the worst.

Also, I slapped a stewardess,

real hard.

With my fist.

Oh.

So they were not the worst.

Oh, my God, are you mad at me?

Oh, no, I messed this up.
I am so sorry, Jake.

I really wanted this
trip to go well

and was looking forward to
finally having a brother

for the first time.

You know what, I'm just...
I think I'm just gonna leave.

It's fine. I get it.

It's so crazy that we're
finally meeting each other.

So just forget about the plane.
That's ancient history.

Yes.

This trip was about us
getting to know each other,

- so let's do that.
- Okay.

What's your favorite scene
in "Die Hard"?

It's okay. It's okay.

Um, when was the last time
you saw your dad?

I mean, I've only ever
met him like nine times.

Ten if you count the time he
sent his co-pilot Steve

to hang out with me, 'cause
he was too hungover.

I remember Steve.
He taught me how to shave.

He taught me how to shave.

- Steve was the best.
- Freakin' Steve.

Jeffords, what are you
still doing here?

You're clearly injured. Go home.

I'm totally fine.
Here. I can prove it.

I'm fine. See?

You can't have thought
that went well for you.

It's okay, Sarge. Just admit
you can't handle yoga.

I can handle it fine.

I'm just a little sore from my
real workouts.

With weights. Now,
I've got work to do.

Oops.

Dropped my phone. You know what?

My contract is up.

It's time for an upgrade anyway.

Scully?

Where's your secret nap room?

I don't know what
you're talking about.

Help me! Please!

Couch. Space heater.

We soundproof for
maximum privacy.

And there's sodas and candy
in the mini fridge.

- This room's a little small.
- We had a big nap room,

and you gave it to Gina to pump
breast milk in, remember?!

Sorry, Scully.

You tell anyone
about this place,

I will burn your life
to the ground.

Oh, and there's a spray
if you fart.

Okay, that is nothing.

The one parent-teacher
conference my dad went to,

he had sex with my teacher
on top of the diorama I made

of the first Thanksgiving.

Oh, no, he ruined
all your hard work.

Oh, not really, it was just
a bunch of Smurfs on a plate.

- Oh.
- He came to visit once,

and hooked up with my mom's
entire book club.

She can't see a copy of
"A Prayer For Owen Meany"

without fully weeping.

I don't know what that is.

But enough about our dad.

What's going on in your life?
Honestly,

it's been a tough year.

I lost my job,

love of my life Kurt
just broke up with me.

Oh, hey, Amy has seven brothers.

Maybe you could date
one of them.

Oh, snap. I'm down to clown.

Which one has the best body?

- Uhhh...
- Tony.

Right? It's very clearly Tony.

I don't know why she hesitated.

- Tony got bod.
- Tony it is.

Anyway, that's my
boring life in Dallas.

But I'm here now, and I want
to see the real New York.

Let's like...

Walk across the Brooklyn Bridge?

Get tanked at the Times
Square Olive Garden.

And get our pictures taken
with a human statue.

Right. The real New York.

- Whenever you're ready.
- Hey, let me get dinner.

I had like ten more drinks
than you guys.

Mm-hmm.

Wow, that is so sweet,
and totally unneces...

- what are you doing?
- Life hack.

Hey, there's glass in my food!

Oh, my God oh my God,
oh my God oh my God...

What kind of restaurant
is this?!

He told me to come in here.

Nope. That was me.

I've been recording his
voice for the past two years,

and now I have a soundboard
where I can make him say

anything I want. Check it out.

Diaz. I. Need. To. See. You.
In. The. Briefing. Room. Now.

Watch this.

Milk. Milk. Lemonade.

Around. The. Corner.
Fudge. Is. Made.

That is amazing.

To find you love.

- Ugh.
- Come on!

Check it out: Dannika, 34.

- The only female trader...
- Pass.

Finance people are the worst.

Okay, well, take a gander
at Jessica,

professional stuntwoman

just back from a surf trip
in Bali...

Pass. People who surf
never shut up about it.

Kinda true. You know who
doesn't surf? Gabrielle.

- I'm out.
- Come on, Rosa.

Give me a shot.
If I mess it up, fine.

I'll drop it, and I'll
never bring it up again.

Fine. One date.
That's all you get.

- That's all I need.
- Hey. Diaz.

Enjoy. Having. Sexual. Fun.

With. Linetti's.
Lesbian. Friend.

Get. Some. Get. Some. Get. Some.

So, your sister's a bit
of a nightmare.

I wouldn't say that. I mean,
at most, she's a daymare.

- Those are so much scarier.
- Yeah.

She put glass in her food, Jake.

She's a con-woman.

Look, she's a survivor.

She's had a really hard life.

And I thought it bad 'cause I
would only see my dad

for like an afternoon
once a year,

but compared to her, I was
a real DJ Tanner. "Full House."

Her dad was always around.
Yeah, I've seen "Full House."

Look, I'm sorry she's
not what you expected.

She is a lot.

But she's my sister.
And she's young,

and she just got out
of a really bad breakup...

Whoo!

She's home.

Kate! Are you okay?

Sounds like you're
breaking stuff.

Hey! I'm sorry,
were we being too loud?

Oh, hey. I'm William.

I thought you just
wanted a picture.

Oh, we took a lot
of pictures. Get in here!

- Oh, no, he's my brother.
- That doesn't bother me.

Okay, I'm going to bed.

Okay.

Time to go home.

Oh, no. Terry can't move.

Terry needs help.

Hel...

Ugh, there are silver
butt prints everywhere.

Why did he need to paint
his butt? He wears pants.

Look, I'm sorry about all this.

I really thought she
was gonna be like me.

But scamming restaurants

and hooking up with
street performers,

she is 100% my dad.

Look, it's a two-day trip.

We just need to survive
the next 18 hours.

- Sure, sure.
- And, you know, I sat through

a whole place once, so I can
get through anything.

I took you to that play,
and you said you loved it.

- Because I did.
- Well,

55 minutes in the shower
and that silver paint

- will not come off.
- Gross.

Anyway, my astrologer
is always telling me

everything happens for a reason,

and I'm like, then
why did Kurt dump me?

But now I know why.

So I would leave Dallas
and move to New York

to be near you!

I mean, that's great,

but, you know, it's
so expensive here.

I'll be fine.

I got a head full of dreams,
and a pocket full of glass.

I'm a New Yorker now.
Fuggedabout it!

Yes.

Forget about it.

Babe, what are we gonna do?

My sister cannot move here.

I'll just tell her it's a bad
idea, and she shouldn't do it.

Ugh, but I'm the only
family she has.

I don't want to
hurt her feelings

and send her into
a downward spiral.

She slept with a tin man, Jake.

I don't think the spiral goes
any further down.

Right. Wait, I've got it.

The only reason Kate
wants to move her

is because Kurt dumped her,

but what if we can get him
to take her back?

Then she would definitely
want to stay in Dallas!

Ooh, that's smart, but what
if he's a rational person

and he doesn't want to be
with her anymore?

Not a problem.
I found his Facebook page.

He just posted a black and
white photo of a dead flower

with the hashtags "my heart,"
"Kate forever"

and "love is dead."

He misses her for some reason.
Amy, this is it.

He clearly already wants
to get back together.

All we have to do is convince
him to fly here.

- Jake, this might work.
- Yes!

But are we actually
gonna do this?

Are we really going to fly
a man to New York City

just to ensure that my new
sister doesn't move here?

Hey, Amy, do you have
a morning-after pill

I could bomb?
I will get you back.

Use. My. Miles.

Boyle, have you seen
Sergeant Jeffords?

Oh, do you mean Sore.

He didn't make it home
last night, Boyle.

- Oh, no. I'm so sorry.
- You should be.

He could be in grave danger,

and you just flippantly
called him Sore-gent.

Oh, my God. I'm the worst.
Who does that?

Well, his car's still here,

so I don't think he ever
left the building.

He's probably fine.

Then why did you
make me feel so bad?

To teach you a lesson about

about the destructive power
of wordplay.

Now, where could he be?

We haven't even done
the "Sex and the City" tour.

Oh, my gosh, I am such a

"that one who fell through
the sidewalk hole."

Yeah, you totally are.
We're just so excited

you're moving here, we thought,

why not go straight home
and celebrate at exactly 8:00?

Kate.

The Kurt?! Oh, my God,

what are the chances?

Kate, you didn't tell us
how handsome Kurt is.

I love your...

jean shorts.

Babe, breaking up with you

was the biggest
mistake of my life.

Oh, my God, he flew all the way

to New York to tell me that.
That's so romantic.

It's beautiful, really.

You're not even allowed
to leave the state.

You think I'm gonna let my
skank parole officer

stand in the way of true love?

Kurt!

He seems like a cool guy.

Jeffords isn't in
the evidence locker.

He's not in the file room,
either.

I mean, there's nowhere
left to hide. I'm worried.

Actually, I think
I know where he is.

I could take you there, but you
need to wear blindfolds.

- Both: No.
- Okay.

I guess he'll just die in
Supply Closet F, then.

He's in Supply Closet F!

Great work.

I'm sorry. I feel so stupid.

Oh, it's okay.
They tricked you somehow.

I still love you, buddy.

Oh, thank God, you found me!

Charles was right.
I couldn't handle yoga.

Well, we're here to help.

I'll get a couple officers
to help lift you up.

No need. I can handle this.

Charles, there's no way
you can lift me.

Yoga's given me great
bone strength, Terry.

So get ready...

you're about to enter
the bone zone.

- Not a thing.
- Shhh.

[Joe Cocker's
"Up Where We Belong"

♪ Love lift us up
where we belong ♪

♪

♪ Where the eagles cry

♪ On a mountain high

Rosa, I want to introduce you
to my friend Trishelle.

- Hi.
- Sparks.

Well, I'm gonna take off.
You two have fun.

Get. Some.

I made a mobile version.

I'll have a margarita.

But, like, a skinny margarita.

So, like, tequila, lime,
and a tiny splash of agave.

- Mm. I refuse to order that.
- You don't have to.

I heard her. What do you want?

Just take your cheapest whisky

and pour it into your
nearest glass.

- That's a drink.
- So, with this diet

that I'm on, you can eat
anything that's clear.

- Mm.
- Like rice noodles,

pineapple gummi bears...

So Kurt and I talked,

and I'm sorry, Jake, I know
I said I'd stay in New York,

but I can't give up on this guy.

Especially not after he
flew out here for me.

Well, sounds like the
universe just really wants you

to be in Dallas.

But on a personal note,

it is such a bummer.

I just missed her so much.

And so do the kids.

Kurt has six.

- The state.
- Oh, fun.

We're getting to know Kurt.

Ooh, hey, sorry, the door
was unlocked,

so I opened it. Is Kate here?

Oh, hey.

I think I left my wallet
in your couch bed.

Uh, have you seen it?

It's silver.

That's William.

He is a human statue I know.

Yeah, it's not really a
good time right now, William.

We don't have your wallet. Bye.

Did you have sex with
this silver man?

Did you cheat on me?
We were broken up.

And you cheated on me like
ten times when we were dating.

'Cause you were sad
all the time.

- 'Cause my mom died.
- OH, no.

- In March.
- That's so recent.

Fine. I'm sorry, Kurt.
I'm sorry.

No, don't apologize to this guy.

He's a dick.

You're not good enough
for my sister.

I didn't realize
you were this tall.

Kurt. She's not going
anywhere with you.

Take your jean shorts
and the butt that's in them

and get out of my apartment.

You're
the one who flew me out here

and begged me to bring her
back to Dallas.

- Just...
- Kate!

Tsk.

You begged him to get rid of me?

Uh...

Hey!

Found my wallet.

Thanks, guys.

Have a blessed day.

So he was a robot man.

So you were trying
to get rid of me.

Yeah, kinda.

But I also just told off Kurt
for being a jerk to you,

so who's to say which thing
we should focus on?

Anyways, let's go to Olive
Garden and get tanked.

No, I won't, because
that place is for family.

Ah, that stings.

Look, we're still family.

I just didn't think you
should be moving to New York.

The whole plan seemed a little...

How do I put this delicately...

Psychotic.

I didn't ask you to be a part

of my life, Jake.

You asked me.

I was perfectly happy in Dallas

with no dad and a dead mom,

being walked all over
by Kurt and his kids.

That doesn't sound like
a great situation.

!

Which is why when I got
a call out of the blue

that I had a brother who
wanted to meet me,

I got a little excited.
I'm so sorry.

I was excited too, but we
don't know each other.

You shouldn't move here
just for me.

Don't worry.
I'm going back to Dallas.

You won't ever have
to see me again.

Until, that is,
I'm on "The Voice,"

at point, you'll see me...
♪ Everywhere!

Oh.

Well, good, because that
is the last time you get it,

♪ For freeeeeeee!

She's gonna do bad
on "The Voice."

- Worst date I've ever been on.
- Oh, no, that sucks.

Then why are you coming in
to work so late?

It's almost like you
spent the night somewhere.

I don't know, like,
maybe the bartender's?

How do you know that?

Because Aubrey is my friend,

and she was the real set-up
all along.

No, no, no, no, no.

Yes, I knew you'd reject
whoever I put in front of you.

I mean, Trishelle
was just a decoy.

And you fell for it hook, line,
and skinny margarita.

Nicely done. Aubrey is great.

We're going to dinner
again tonight.

- Whoo!
- I owe you an apology.

You're a great matchmaker.

Thank you. And you know what?

I'm just glad that you
found the courage

to tell me how great I am.

It means so much.

- Whatever.
- Have a fun night.

This is not on us.

I mean, it was crazy for her
to think moving to New York

was a good idea, right?

Yes, it was unrealistic.

Just like Mongkut thinking
a ten-year-old American girl

would pay his bail and help him
seek vengeance on his brother.

You know, when I'm not
distracted by this,

I'd really love to hear
the full Mongkut story.

- It gets dark.
- Yup.

Look, your sister
is a lot to take.

You shouldn't feel bad

that you don't want
her around constantly.

I mean, we can
have a relationship

and still live in
separate cities.

I'd love to see her, like,

once a year for an afternoon,

or...

Oh, crap.

Oh, something
just dawned on you.

Yeah, I got to go
to the airport.

This is ridiculous.
Listen, the choice is yours.

Lawsuit, or upgrade me
to business class.

Ball's in your court, pal! Hey!

Kate, officers,
what's going on here?

This woman said she cut her
hand on a ticketing kiosk,

but somebody saw her pull out
a bag of glass.

That's my healing glass,
and legally,

you can't ask about it.
What kind of airport is this?

Okay, I'm with the NYPD.
I got it from here.

Thanks, guys.

To apologize.

Look, I was trying
to get rid of you.

Because you're a little bit
of a mess, kinda like dad.

- Oh, I'm definitely a mess.
- But I was being like dad too.

I was trying to have
a relationship with you,

completely on my own terms.

And we both know from
personal experience,

that's a really crappy way
to treat a family member.

It is.

Thank you for saying that, Jake.

And yes, I accept your
invitation to move in with you.

- Oh. Um...
- I'm joking.

I'm going back to Dallas.
Don't worry.

But maybe we can keep in touch.

I would really like that.

Man, I was worried you were

never gonna want
to see me again.

The way you
stood up for me with Kurt,

you're a great big brother.

And I have so many
other enemies.

- You're gonna be real busy.
- Oh.

Anyway, I should go.
My plane's leaving.

Come here.

- Noice.
- Toit.

All right, sis,
have a safe flight.

No vaping.
- ♪ No promises!

She is bad at singing.

Not a doctor. Shh.