All language subtitles for Brooklyn Nine-Nine - 05x16 - Nutriboom

Yeah.

No matter what we do,
he just won't leave.

The problem is you're
thinking like detectives.

- No, I'm definitely not.
- When you should

be thinking like a bird.

This is Operation:
Saving Private Pigeon.

On my mark, I will
turn on this fan,

gently startling our bird
due east,

into the file box canyon,
where he will

encounter Charles holding
two pot lids.

He'll bang them together,

forcing Private Pigeon
into the ceiling there

and out of the ceiling there,

where he will be greeted
by scary Rosa

holding a scary picture
of an owl.

Now he's playing our game.

He'll veer left,
into an upside down garbage can

propped up by a hockey stick

and connected to a string
that Gina is holding.

She pulls it, he is trapped,

and Terry releases him outside.

- Terry hates birds.
- Okay, little friend.

Let's get you home to mama.

Oh, God. It flew
right into the fan!

It's everywhere!
There's pigeon everywhere!

♪

- Hey, Boyle.
- Hey, Jake.

Hey, Jake.

Ahh! Bill, what are
you doing here?

I thought we agreed to meet
only once a year

for the Halloween Heist.
I'm here to deliver

your quarterly
NutriBoom shipment.

It comes with both
the amino acid reducer

and extra amino acid,
so you get the perfect balance.

No. I only signed up
as a one-time payment bribe.

I'm not selling NutriBoom.
It's clearly a pyramid scheme.

First off, it's not
a pyramid scheme.

It's a conical-tiered
multi-flow-through

medical marketing entity.

And secondly,
you signed the contract.

"Permission to charge
my card quarterly

for the next 85 years."

This is written in
white ink on white paper.

They do it that way
so you can't read it.

Well, I did read it
and I'm canceling the contract.

If it was that easy

to get out, would I be here

scamming my closest friends?

What... whatever,
I'm not accepting the shipment.

Jake, piece of advice:
Just give up.

It's the Boyle way.
It's why our family crest

is a white flag.
That reminds me, Charles,

your shipment's downstairs.
Great.

I'll help you bring it up.
Charles, no.

We're gonna go down to that
office and fight this thing.

I need that money
for my honeymoon.

Oh, my God.
The honeymoon is on the line?

- And your money.
- Eh.

Okay, great.
Whatever gets you on board.

- Let's go.
- For the honeymoon

and no other reason. All right.

Sergeant Santiago,

commander of the Nine-Nine's
uniformed officers,

- reporting for duty.
- Hey!

My first order as Sergeant,
tell me I look dope.

- You look dope.
- You won't be abusing

your power like this with the
officers downstairs, will you?

No! No, of course not.

I'm just excited
for my first day.

Yes, I remember my first day
as a sergeant.

- I bet.
- My Uncle Geoffrey

was struck by a subway
and maimed.

- Oh.
- But the work aspect

was quite exciting.

Are you ready
for your first briefing?

Yes, I am fully prepared.

I just wanna establish myself
as a leader right away.

Just be confident,
deliberate and firm.

You'll know you
have their respect

when you can take a moment...

and still keep their attention.

- Amazing.
- That was captivating as hell.

My recommendation would be
you start with

a small, attainable goal...

Something you can
accomplish quickly,

perfectly and publicly.

The best way to lead is to
always achieve all your goals.

Cool. That's not
a ton of pressure.

Well, it was meant to be.

Pressure's an important
part of success.

Just remember, you represent

all Latina policewomen
right now.

Thanks.

♪

Hello. Welcome to NutriServices.

I'm Angela.
How can I heal you today?

Hi, Angela. Creepy greeting.

So not a big deal,
there was just

a little bit of a mix-up

and we need to cancel
our NutriConrtracts.

Absolutely.
It happens all the time.

All you need to do
is sign a few things.

Ah. See, Charles,
that is why you never give up.

I'll also need $10,000.
I'm sorry.

It's payment
for the last shipment.

Plus the cancellation fee,
plus the restocking fee

plus something we call
a coward's charge.

And that comes to $10,000.

- Congratulations.
- Thank you.

I'll write you a check.
Is gratuity included?

Charles, no.

Angela... How can I

heal you today?
Please stop saying that.

Look, you seem like
a perfectly pleasant

robot person, but there's no way

we're giving you any more money.

Ohh. Sorry for
the misunderstanding.

For the no payment option,
you just need to sign here.

It's our charity organization.

"Pay off your contracts
in labor hours

under the teachings of founder
Docter David Stovelman."

"Docter" is spelled with an E?

- It's the British spelling.
- That can't be right.

All right, look. I didn't
wanna have to do this,

but we're in the NYPD.

And if you don't cooperate,
we'll have no choice

but to file a report
against the company.

You signed a contract,
and that is binding.

No one gets special treatment,
Officer.

Not even Jay.

Jay Chandrasekhar,
their celebrity spokesman.

Oh, no way.
The guy from "Super Troopers"?

Yep. He was also in "Beerfest."

Now I have to get back to work,

but allow me to introduce you
to our complaint specialist.

This is Phil. He's been
assigned to intimidate you.

- Congratulations.
- Thank you!

Charles, stop thanking her.

♪

Hello, squad.
I am Sergeant Amy Santiago

and I'm your new
commanding officer.

I have big plans for us,
but it's always best

to start with something small
and do it perfectly.

So...

Sergeant, I know what
we should start with.

- Oh, I'm sorry, Officer...
- Jennings. Gary Jennings.

Officer Jennings,
I already have a plan.

Okay, well, you just paused,
so I thought

you were looking
for suggestions,

- which I have a lot of.
- Nope.

Not why I paused.

Anyway, our first order
of business will be

updating the filing system, so...

- We should use barcodes.
- No, no, no, no.

No need to jump in.

I already have a system in mind.

Okay, well you just
keep stopping,

so I thought...
Ah-to pour water.

Because I'm thirsty.
Got it. Great.

Now, let's get into
the details of this with...

Oh, my God! What, Gary?

You're spilling water
everywhere.

Yes, I am.

Because our first order
of business

is cleaning this floor.

Charles! Charles, come here.

I figured out how
to get our money back.

I knew you'd save our honeymoon.

- My honeymoon.
- Whatever.

Yeah, all right, so NutriBoom

is a massive financial scam,
right?

If we can prove that, we could
take down the whole company.

Oh, I don't know. Are you
sure you wanna take them on?

They're pretty scary.
I mean, no one's seen

the CEO's wife in years.

People think
she's been murdered.

That's just a rumor.
All right, here's the plan:

We infiltrate their headquarters

and get their financial records.

But how do we get in, you ask?

By attending today's meeting
of President's Club.

Admiral Level NutriMasters

at the NutriTower Life Base.
I don't know,

they know we're cops,
we can't just walk in.

Correct. We can't walk right in,

but we know someone
who's a high-level.

NutriBoom distributor who can.

And he look exactly like you.

- Hey, guys.
- I don't know.

You really think it'll work?

Charles, it has to.

It's for our honeymoon.

You said "our."

Okay, the meeting

at NutriBoom HQ
starts in two hours.

Charles, you're going as Bill

and I'm going as one of
your NutriCruits.

Bill, did you bring
those things I asked for?

Yep, all of my belongings
that you'll need

are in this suitcase.

Is your cell phone in here?

No. I'm sure

it's not a sex toy.

All right, these people
really know Bill,

so you're gonna have to
become him.

I can't believe
I'm about to say this,

but Bill, tell us all
about yourself.

Let's start with
my whole family history.

I was abandoned
at a playground as an infant.

And here I am.

Oh. That was the whole thing.

Well, sad. But easier
than remembering

a bunch of names.

Okay, tell us more.

Now, here's a list of all
the nicknames I go by.

Big Bill, Big Eric, Big Drew,
Big Dave, Super Thick...

Just write them all down for us.

And that's why the number
of belly buttons I have is...

- Two.
- One.

Zero. Both: Ahh.

Both: Hello.

Both: Hello.

Both: Hello.

- Both: Hello.
- Hello.

That's it. Okay, now let's work

on your wink.

Almost. Now think,

only you and I know
our naughty little secret.

Mmm-hmm.

Okay, I think Boyle's ready.

That's a no-go, Amigo.

If you really wanna pass as me,

you're gonna need to learn
my patented

neck massage technique.

- I think I've learned enough.
- Yeah, I don't

really see that coming up.

Thanks for your help, Bill.

So how did your
first briefing go, Sergeant?

Did you give the squad
a simple goal?

Mm-hmm. Revamping
the filing system.

Mm, smart. Sounds very easy.

- Mm.
- I assume it's been

a success?

Yes. It's been...

all types of successes.

Rousing, resounding...

smashing.

Oh, it's good to hear.
Remember, failure...

is for failures.

Good thing I'm not a failure.

Guys, I lied. My briefing
was a total failure.

But you told Captain Holt
it went great

in such a normal way.

I'm a terrible manager.

I've got this super eager
know-it-all on my squad

who keeps derailing
me with all his ideas

and I can't get anything done.

Aww, you got an Amy.

- Oh, she's got an Amy.
- It's pretty normal.

Yeah, she got one of her, right?

Like a pet. Takes one
to know one,

- I guess.
- No, he is not an Amy.

I am nothing like Gary.

Uhh, first of all, Gary and Amy

are the exact same name.
Let me ask you this:

Did he already send you
nine follow-up emails

- about the briefing?
- No.

- It was 30.
- You got an Amy.

Guys, I think I would know
if my Gary was an Amy.

Hey, Gary. What you reading?
The new issue

of "Stationary Monthly."

Yeah, I have an Amy.

Yes, it's me, Bill. Hello.

- You seem different.
- Nope.

I'm still the same old
Bill Hummertrout

who grew up in Bean Station,
Tennessee

and shaves his armpits.

Anyway, meet the new recruit
I signed up.

Boom, boom!

Boom, boom. My name
is Barry St. Barry.

And I can't wait to get inside
and unlock my NutriFuture.

Let me... let me in! Let me in!

I love your energy. Boom, boom!

I love your energy. Boom, boom!

Okay, get up there.

Man, everybody here
is so creepy.

Yeah. Is that
Hitchcock and Scully?

- Boom, boom, Bill!
- Boom, boom!

Yeah, that tracks.

All right, let's get a move on.

The longer I stay here,
the more horrified I get.

I know. Have you seen
all these posters

of David Stovelman's wife,
Debby?

"I'm happy healthy and alive."

Oh, Debbie dead.
Debbie real dead.

All right, Bill said that
the offices

are behind that roped-off area.

We're gonna need a distraction.

Well, if I know cults,
this meeting will start

with an insanely over-the-top
nonsense video.

- Huh.
- Hello, Admirals.

Please turn your eyes
to the monitors

for a special hello
from NutriBoom elite,

Jay Chandrasekhar.

Boom, boom, everybody!

All: Boom, boom, Jay!

- And there's our distraction.
- When I first met.

Docter David Stovelman,

I had no idea my amino acids
could be so high

or so low.

Ugh, guys.

Gary is killing my productivity.

Terry, how did you used to deal
with having an Amy?

I didn't have to do anything.
You've always been great.

Cut the crap, Terry.
I'm drowning.

Fine. When you got
too difficult to deal with,

I'd pull rank.

No. Not even once.

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

Well, you could always
just wait for Gary

to find his Jake
and then eventually,

over time, they'll each become
10% easier to deal with.

Gary will never find love.

He is unlovable.

Gina, what do I do?
No, I don't know

how to deal with an Amy.

But there is this girl Wanda
in my Mommy & Me class.

She's such a pill.
She's so into her baby

and not into the other babies
and it's like,

oh, cool, well, congrats.

Your baby rolled over early.

Like, who cares?
I don't have time

for this, Gina, And that is how

you deal with an Amy.

You talk about something
she's not interested in

until she walks away.
Ohh, brilliant.

Stupid cult.

They labeled their financial
records "financial records."

Dummies.

Uh-oh, Jake.
We got a NutriBoomer

approaching at 12:00.

The file just started
downloading.

How much time do we have?
I don't know,

but he's a polka dotter.
Polka Dotter-

What does that mean?

Of the eight types of walkers?

Polka dotters, drivers,
arm swingers,

stompers...
You don't know about this?

Nobody does, Charles.
You clearly

just read some weird blog post.

First of all, Popmango.com

is not a weird blog.

It's infotainment.

Secondly, polka dot walkers

take short strides
on their toes.

I don't wanna learn
about polka dotters right now.

Just get out there
and stall him.

But... gah!

Hello, bud. Boom, boom.

Boom, boom. Bill.

What are you doing back here?

This floor's closed
on the weekend.

You know me,
just gotta stretch my legs.

I'm really sore from Pilates.

But NutriBoom doesn't
allow Pilates.

It's a pseudoscience.

Right, no. Pilates
is the name of my

most recent sexual partner.

Boom, boom!

Boom, boom. You seem off, man.

Your voice is different,
you're not sucking on

your signature lollipop. Right.

I guess I just woke up
on the wrong side of the bed.

Since when do you
sleep in a bed?

Why are you being so weird?

What are you doing back here?

I know what's going on.

You're fishing for one of
my patented neck massages,

aren't you?

- There's the Bill I know.
- Present and accounted for.

Now turn around
and gimme me that neck.

You're not gonna
do it from the front?

Well, of course. I mean,
that's how I do it.

Oh, that's the good stuff.
Boom, boom.

Boom, boom.

♪

I got the files.

I told you it would work.

Wait, what's wrong?
They formed a line, Jake.

They formed a line.

Ugh, no evidence of wrongdoing

in any of these files.

Credit where credit is due,

NutriBoom is good
at criminal activity.

Well, they're terrible
at making shakes.

The only listed ingredient

is "foreign substance."
And the flavor is called.

"Almost Cherry."

And I can't stop drinking it.

This is interesting.
There's a major transaction

on June 10th. My dad's birthday!

You really think
that's what I thought

was interesting about it?
I don't know.

It's a payment for
100 grand to ScepterCore.

Isn't that one of
those black ops security firms

that ex - Yes, it is.

And on June 10th...
My dad's birthday.

Are you just trying to get me
to remember

your dad's birthday now? I mean,

it wouldn't kill you to call.
We don't have time

to talk about this.

Your dad's birthday
is the same day

that Debbie Stovelman
went missing last year.

I bet the payment
is a paper trail

for the hit Stovelman
took out on his wife.

This just became a murder case.

Maybe, but it's not enough
to open an investigation.

Right, but it is enough
to make Stovelman nervous.

We just have to get to him.
Oh, no.

Do I have to go as Bill again?

No, don't worry.
He isn't big enough

to earn face time
with the founder.

We have to take this
to the highest level.

Both: Jay Chandrasekhar!

Hey, Gina. Thanks for nothin'!

- Oh, you're welcome.
- I said, for nothin'.

Your boring story didn't work.

So my friend Wanda,
she just loves the oceans.

The Pacific, the Atlantic,
the Indian...

Ooh, ooh! What is her take
on straits?

Because I love the Bering.

We talked about
bodies of water for hours.

Damn, the Force is strong
with this Amy.

Look, I wasn't
gonna tell you this,

but you should just do
what I used to do

when I needed to escape you.

Literally escape you.
Always be on the move.

Never be static. Like a shark.

That way he can't
catch your attention.

That's right!
That is what we did.

Mm-hmm.

Okay, but Rosa, how did you...

Rosa? W-where did she...

Damn, you guys are good.

There he is. How did you know
he'd be at this coffee shop?

"US Weekly." He's pictured
here all the time.

He's coming out.
All right, look,

this guy is into NutriBoom
pretty deep.

But if we apply enough pressure,

we may get him to crack.

Copy that.

Hi, excuse me.

Mr. Chandrasekhar,
we wanted to talk to you

- about NutriBoom.
- All right!

Boom, boom, guys.
Both: Boom, boom!

We're with the NYPD.

You guys have to save me.

Can you get me out?

NutriBoom is a scam and a cult.

They've ruined my life.

You look so happy in the videos.

You'd pretend to be happy too

if you knew what they did to me.

Yeah.

- Ohh.
- Look,

we have reason to believe
David Stovelman

murdered his wife, Debbie.

- Yeah, duh!
- All right, Jay.

Try to remain calm, here. Sorry.

- I'm just so scarred.
- Right,

from the nard torture.

Look, we have evidence
that could tie David

to his wife's death,
but we need your help

- to get to him.
- Yeah, I'll do

whatever you want.

You have no idea
how terrible they are.

Trust me, I do.
They took ten grand from me.

Boo-hoo, they kidnapped my dog.

Okay, well, no need
to compare stakes.

Although I doubt your dog
cost $10,000.

You can't put a price on life.

You're absolutely right.
Thank you so much

for your help, sir.

Aah!

I need to tell you something.

Great. Can't wait to hear it.

First, could you pass
that thing over there?

Sure, yes.
Oh, what thing? I don't...

Sergeant?

- Sergeant!
- Oh, hey.

Sergeant?

Okay.

Let's finally get
these shelves up.

Goes perfect.

Ohh! Oh, no.

Oh, there you are.

I was trying to tell you
not to use that wall.

It has water damage.

Noted.

So Stovelman will pick up Jay
and take him to lunch.

We trail them, and then
when they get comfortable,

ambush 'em with the intel
about his wife.

Wow. I can't believe we're
working a sting operation

- with a celebrity.
- I know.

I feel like we're in
"Oceans 11."

You're such a Clooney.

Ooh, and I'm Elliot Gould. Wow.

Just skipped right over
Pitt and Damon, huh?

- I've been good!
- Oh, no!

Those are NutriCore guys.
They're taking Jay!

It's not a pick up.
It's a throw in.

Hey, Bill.

- Boom, boom!
- No boom, boom.

I am not Bill.
Look, we're with the NYPD.

We saw two NutriCore thugs
kidnap Jay and bring him here.

Now where is he?
Bill, you're a cop!

- No, I am not Bill!
- If you don't cooperate,

we'll consider you an accessory
to this crime.

I don't know what
you mean by crime.

Jay's just voluntarily
hanging out with

some nutrition
specialists in the basement.

You can see for yourself if
you'd like, Bill.

I will see for myself,
but I am not Bill.

- Good one, Bill.
- Oh!

Get out of here.

- Jay! Oh, my God.
- Boom, boom, guys!

We saw them take you.
Are you okay?

Oh, the van thing?
Yeah, Jay. The van thing.

Those are just my friends
from NutriBoom.

They were worried about
my amino acid levels,

so they rushed me straight here
to give me more

- or less of them.
- Why are you

talking like that?

What did they do to you?

Oh, I see.

They gave you back your dog.

No, they found my dog.

He was wandering around a park
for a year.

Come on, man. Pull it together.

These people are evil, remember?

David Stovelman
murdered his wife.

Both: Debbie Stovelman.
- Boom, boom.

She is happy, healthy and alive.

Hey, Captain. Just wanted to say

sorry about
the hole in the wall.

I've already called maintenance.

God, you're good.

You saw right through me.

I failed as a manager.
I couldn't deal

with this overeager officer
who kept pestering me.

Ohh, you have an... both: Amy.

Yes, I know. We've been
through it a lot today.

Well, you should've come to me.

I know exactly what it's like
to be you.

No, I never had your level
of insecurity.

I was referring to
managing an Amy.

Of course. Well, I'm not sure

there's anything left to try.

No matter what I did,

he just kept interrupting me

with all his own ideas.

I don't know.

I didn't listen to them.

Damn.

Did you just solve it
that easily?

Yes, I did. You see,
managing Amy

is not a chore, it's a pleasure.

Because an Amy is a tool.

Yes, you're a massive tool.

You're useful and valuable.

Sure, an Amy can be
intimidating sometimes

because they have
such strong ideas.

But you should always listen
to an Amy

because they will only
make you better.

At least, that's my experience.

Thank you, sir.

Jay, would you please excuse us.

I believe there's
a brand new motorcycle

with your name on it upstairs.

You guys are the best.

Thanks for bringing my dog back.

He looks almost
exactly the same.

- Come on.
- Boom, boom, Jake.

Boom, boom, Charles.
Boom, boom, Jay.

I thought you were murdered.

- I was never dead.
- Then what was

that 100k payment
to ScepterCore for?

It was to get you off the grid.

Because the Feds were
investigating you.

You can't indict someone
who doesn't exist.

So you're still working
for NutriBoom?

I am NutriBoom.

Look, your annoying little
crusade is wasting my time.

I want you to leave me
and my company alone.

Not gonna happen.
Now we know you're alive

and I bet the Feds
would be interested

- in knowing that, too.
- Maybe,

but the fact remains,

I haven't committed
any crimes...

that anyone can prove.

So you can try
your luck with the Feds.

Or you can get
your money back and go on

that expensive honeymoon.

How do you know
about my honeymoon?

I know everything.

Because you don't know about
my big ass moral compass.

Damn!

I'm going to the Feds,
and you're going down.

Also, can you tell us
how to get out of here?

This place is a real maze.

Can I speak to you for a minute?

Of course. Nothing I like more

than one-on-one time
with my boss.

Wow, it's like
staring in a mirror.

Listen, I wanna apologize.

I ignored your ideas
and that was a mistake.

Please, tell me your suggestions

for the filing system.
It's actually

five suggestions
and 23 sub suggestions.

- And I...
- After the briefing.

Ohh. Copy that.

All right, listen up, squad.

We had increased
criminal activity

in the park last night,
so we'll be

doubling our patrols
there today.

After the meeting,
I will be handing out new...

assignments.

Oh, my God, I did it.

The Feds said our intel
could help them

maybe take down Stovelman
someday,

but they didn't sound hopeful.
Well, I'm glad

you did the right thing.

Even though it means
we now have no money

for a decent honeymoon?
It's hard not to

say a really corny thing
right now

about how every day's
a honeymoon with you.

Aww. Although, technically,
you did you just say it.

Which is very
embarrassing for you.

Jake, don't freak out.

There's a really creepy guy
spying on us.

Oh, no, no, no.

That's just Phil from NutraBoom.

He'll be intimidating us
from now on.

There's an evil corporation
hell-bent on destroying us.

Hi, Phil! Boom, boom!

Say, "Boom, boom," darling.

Boom, boom.

- Not a doctor.
- Shh.