All language subtitles for Brooklyn Nine-Nine - 05x09 - 99

I'll get back to you guys
by the end of the day

with all the logistics.

Sergeant Terrance Jeffords,

four years ago
on this exact date,

you told me I was too old
to learn how to do the worm.

I vowed on that day
to prove you a fool,

and today, I shall.

Check it.

♪

I'm on fire!

As I was telling the squad,
our old C.O.,

Captain McGintley,
just passed away.

Oh, no.

We're going to Los Angeles
for the funeral next week.

I'll have the travel
details later.

Hey, has anyone seen a worm?

Because this funky
chicken's hungry.

Charles, a man has died.
Read the room!

♪

Oh, man. Sad day.

Sad day.

It's crazy
how different things were

when McGintley was Captain.

It was like the Wild West.

- Oh, yeah, we had some fun.
- I didn't.

In every one of those photos,
I look uptight and worried.

Meanwhile,
everyone else looks like

they're having
the time of their life.

That's because
they're all stress-free,

not like us Type A's.

Jake, am I too high-strung?

I wouldn't say
you're too high-strung.

You just are high-strung.

You know, your strung
is what makes you strung.

You're strung strongly.
No, not anymore.

From now on,
I'm gonna be super chill.

So, where's the party at?

Trick question.
The party's right here, boy!

Oh, hello, Mrs. McGintley.

My condolences for your loss.

So, who do you got your eye on?

- What?
- You haven't dated anyone

since you broke up with Pimento.

And funerals are a meat market.

Sadness is a powerful
aphrodisiac.

No, it's not.

Then how come everyone cries
during sex?

I'm already seeing
somebody, Boyle.

Oh...

And just like that,
things got interesting.

And just like that, I left.

- Hello, Raymond.
- Oh, Chief Aggerton.

I didn't realize
you'd be flying out for this.

I liked McGintley.
He was fun to have a beer with.

There's nobody
in this department

I wanna have a beer
with anymore.

Yes, that's the problem
with the NYPD.

So, I hear you're meeting with

the Commissioner
on Monday morning.

Well, you didn't
hear this from me,

but Commissioner's
retiring next year.

They put a short list together
of possible replacements,

and you're on it.

This is your first interview.
Really?

- What?
- Oh, my God.

- What's going on?
- What's going on is.

Captain Holt has an interview
to become the Commissioner

of the freakin' NYPD,

and he's gonna nail it
and fulfill his destiny

as Lord High Commander
of all Justice.

Okay, let's not
get carried away.

Who says I'm even interested
in becoming Commissioner?

You, constantly,

including the first day
I met you.

I'm interested in
becoming Commissioner.

- Good to know.
- Fair enough, but even so,

it's probably a long shot.

I mean, there are
many names on the list.

Nope, just four.

Yeah, three major league jags
and you.

Sir, you're
the perfect candidate:

Smart, well-respected,
you smell great.

That has nothing
to do with the job.

It's just something
I've been meaning to tell you.

Is it sandalwood?
Please calm down.

Right, totally.
Don't wanna jinx it.

I don't believe in jinxes.

Great, then you won't mind
me saying it's a lock.

You're definitely gonna get it,

and you're gonna
smell even better

with that Lord High Commander
of all Justice stank on you.

- Let's do this!
- I can't wait

to get on a plane.

I used up my miles,
and upgraded first class.

- Damn, Sarge.
- This is gonna be great.

Sipping on a mimosa,

snacking on a hummus trio,

watching "Bridget Jones's Baby."

- Oh, GPS says turn left here.
- Turn left.

No, this route is more direct.

Oh, okay. You do you, Commish.

- Please don't call me that.
- Okay, fine,

I'll just call you the 'Mish...
No wait, Mishy Elliot...

No wait, Mish-es Doubtfire.

Oh, my God!

- What? What is it?
- Nakatomi Plaza.

It's the most important
monument in all of America.

The building from "Die Hard."

Can we go in?
Can we pay our respects?

Ooh, our flight leaves
in 3 and a half hours, and...

But it's like,
what is time even?

#Legalizelt.

- Can we go in, sir?
- Fine, just make it quick.

Yes!

Pull in over there, Argyle!
What?

That's the name of the driver
in the movie.

We're going to Nakatomi Plaza.
There's gonna be role-play.

Oh, my God.

It's even more beautiful
than I imagined.

It's an empty floor
that's under construction.

Just like in the movie!

Charles, this is the floor
that John McClane ran on

with his bare feet.
Take my picture with it!

This is the window
where John McClane said,

"Welcome to the party, pal."
Take my picture with it!

This is the vent
where John McClane said,

"Come out to the coast.
We'll get together,

have a few laughs."
Take my picture with it.

This is the space,
where even though

it's not really evident
in the dialogue,

you can tell that
John McClane realizes

that he should've been
a better husband.

Take my picture with it!

But then he unclasps the watch,
and Hans falls!

That's a good one.
That's a good one,

That's a good one.
That's a good one...

Okay, all 600 of these
are great.

We should probably
head to the airport.

We have more time,
if you need it.

There's literally
nothing left for me to shoot.

All right,
let's get out of here.

The door is locked.
That's strange, I thought

the guard propped it open.
I'd kick my way out,

but I think these windows
are bullet-proof.

We're not getting
any reception in here.

Guys, it's cool.
We just gotta roll with it.

You know,
travel should be like jazz.

Nuh-uh. There's
a lie-flat seat waiting for me,

and I wanna be napping in it,

with a hot towel wrapped around
my big bald head!

Help!

All right,
everybody just calm down.

I'm sure that guard will be
back in, like, five minutes.

We're gonna miss our flight.

I should be sitting next to
a semi-famous person

that I can't quite place
right now.

Come on, don't give up.
If we get rescued right now

and there's no traffic
at the airport

and the van return goes smoothly

and Security's super chill
about all the guns we have,

we could still make it.

- You guys okay up here?
- Yes! See?

I told you not to give up hope.

It's a miracle.
We're still gonna make it!

Yeah, we missed
our flight by a lot.

Yeah, but that's okay.
We can get the next one.

Let's see, next flight...
Cancelled. Cancelled.

Cancelled. What is going on?

There are huge storms
in the Midwest.

All flights are grounded.
Oh, man.

I know this is the wrong time
to bring it up,

but we're standing 75 feet
from where Argyle

picked up John McClane
at the airport.

- Take my picture with it.
- Yeah.

Okay, we can't get out
until Monday afternoon,

at the earliest.
I tried everything.

I begged. I pleaded.
I even told them that

Scully was a Make-a-Wish kid
with a rare disease

that makes him look like
a giant old baby.

- Did you call it Scullyosis?
- Damn it, Rosa,

that's really good and
completely useless to me now.

They wouldn't even let me
into a first class lounge,

since my flight
had already departed.

I grabbed this and ran.

You're all that's left
of my dreams now, Mr. Mint.

All right,
stop hugging your mint.

We have bigger problems.

Captain Holt's Commissioners
interview is on Monday.

- Can't he just reschedule?
- No!

He's gonna be up against
the best of the best.

The slightest slipup could
cost him the job, and...

But whatever, you know.

It is what it is, Daddy-O.

Look, Captain Holt
helped us all achieve

our collective dream of
going to Nakatomi Plaza.

- Only you.
- Now it's time for us

to return the favor
and help him achieve his.

Get him back to New York
in time for that interview.

Now, we have until Monday
morning, and it takes...

48 hours to drive from
L.A. to New York.

We've still got time.
No, we don't.

I checked with all
the car rental agencies.

There are no available vehicles.

I'm just gonna have to
call the Commissioner,

cancel this meeting.
No, not on my watch.

We just have to think.

There's gotta be a way
to get you back.

Got it!

May I present to you
the finest RV

that not much money can buy:
The American Creeper.

No one should have to
suffer like this for me.

Suffer?
This is a dream come true.

It's a cross-country road trip.

My dad and I took one
every summer.

You blast
the "Annie" soundtrack,

and you eat junk food,

and you bond over secrets.

I'm not telling you
who I'm dating.

All right,
I'll take the first shift.

American Creepers,
let's get creeping!

♪

Hey, one hour down.

Victory honk.

Oh, no. Oh, boy.

Horn's stuck.

Nobody use the horn.

♪

What you got there, Sarge?

I microwaved a bunch of wet
napkins to make a hot towel.

Just because
we're in a crappy RV

doesn't mean I still can't be
First Class Terry.

Mmm...

Ah...

Just like the real thing.

♪

Cheese puff, sir?

No, thank you.
They're full of chemicals.

Well, yes, but everything's
made with chemicals,

if you really think about it.

- I suppose you're right.
- I am?

- Let me try one.
- Oh.

It imploded in my mouth.
That's the magic of the puff.

You don't have to chew.

So, what are you gonna do
when you're Commish?

I think you should focus
on interagency communication

and intel sharing.

Also, laser jails.

Let's not talk about
things that may not happen.

Oh, I'd like to see
an increase in vacation days.

And we should all get
summers off like teachers.

Let the city go to purge.

Hey, Rosa,
are you ready to go streaking?

- What?
- That's what my dad and I

called getting blonde streaks
in your hair.

We used to do it to
our ponytails on road trips.

You just take
a little lemon up top,

and let the sun do the rest.

We called it giving
each other road head.

You just said you called it
going streaking.

It had a couple names.

Hey, speaking of names...

who's your new boyfriend?

Ow! Ow! Oh!

Oh, man, you really went to
town on these cheese puffs.

Well, they're 80% air,

which is something
your body needs.

Dallas? What the hell?

We were supposed to be
in Louisiana by now.

We've been averaging 50
for 21 hours.

Unless...

Damn it!
The speedometer's broken.

No wonder everyone
was flipping us off.

I thought it was just racism.

Well, I'm sure it didn't help.

- Yeah.
- I'm sorry, I don't think

we can make up the time.
No, there's no way

I'm letting you
miss that interview.

We just have to make less stops.

Hey, guys, listen up,
from now on,

we use the bathroom in the RV.

- No!
- There are so many of us.

I know, I'm sorry,
but it's the only way.

Me first!

Hey, guys, the door
doesn't close all the way.

No peeking.

♪

You guys didn't hear that,
did you?

I'm still hearing it.

I'm never gonna stop hearing it!

Okay, new plan:

We go back to the old
bathroom break schedule,

and we just drive at max speed.

Captain, punch it. Punch it.

Why are you not punching it?
I'm not comfortable

operating this vehicle
at a speed greater than

the prevailing road
and traffic conditions.

Fine! I'll do it myself.

This is going great.

I'm already used to
the bouncing and shaking.

- I smell smoke.
- Really?

All I smell is residual Scully.

I definitely smell smoke.

Pull over right now.

Well, I checked everywhere.

Nothing's on fire.
Nothing's even smoldering.

We just wasted ten minutes
for no reason.

You know what, Captain,
I think you're right.

I do smell smoke.

So, bottom-line
this thing for me.

How long is it gonna take
to fix?

- It's still on fire.
- She's gone, Jakey.

She's creeping
her way to heaven.

Let's be honest, she's
creeping her way back to hell.

All right, guys,

we have to focus
and think of a new plan

for getting Holt back
for his interview.

Now, all we've lost is our
only mode of transportation.

And our clothes and food!

All I have left is
this first class mint,

and none of you get to eat him!

Well, perhaps
we should just focus on

finding a place
to sleep tonight.

I might have
a solution for that.

How far is it
to Mansfurd, Texas?

- Like, half an hour.
- Great!

I have cousins there:
Becca, Tommy, and Steve.

There's a Boyle in every state.
Texas Boyles. I'm excited.

Do they wear bolo ties
and cowboy hats?

Nope, still just beige on tan.

- Steve, Tommy, Becca!
- Becca is a man.

Oh, thank you so much
for letting us stay here.

- I love you.
- I love you.

- I love you.
- I love you.

God, it is so nice
to meet you guys!

Is this a working cattle ranch?

Oh, yes. This is a stud farm.

We are the cow
insemination kings

of Central Texas.
Of course you are.

We have sleeping bags for you
guys here in the great room.

If you hear
what sounds like screaming,

that's just cow intercourse.

Now we're all sleeping
in one room,

next to a cow orgy.

I would much rather be
hanging out with you.

What are you doing, Boyle?
Just brushing my hair.

Not you, Becca.
I was talking to Charles.

I was just bringing you
some water.

- Thanks.
- Mm-hm.

So, uh, who you talking to?
Is that your mystery hunk?

Babe, are you all right?
Is everything okay?

Yeah, it's fine.
I'll call you back later.

- Was that a woman's voice?
- It's my sister.

Wait... she called you babe.

When my cousin called me babe,

you said relatives
shouldn't do that.

What's really going on?

I'm dating a woman.

- I'm bi.
- Oh...

That's great.
That's great, Rose.

I just want you to know
that I totally support...

I don't wanna talk about it
right now, okay?

Just leave it alone, Boyle.

- By all means.
- Not you, Becca!

Okay. I love you.

I love you too.

Can't sleep either, huh?

This cow screaming is so loud.
So loud.

Is it a pleasure sound or pain?

Maybe they're into both?

I hear they're into leather.

- Was that a joke?
- Gallows humor.

Being in this bovine brothel
is truly a nightmare.

Hey, I'm sorry that
things didn't work out.

I know you always hoped
that you'd be Commissioner.

No. Over the course
of my career,

I've learned that
it's best not to have hopes.

Sir, that is so sad.

That's like saying
it's best not to have dreams.

I only have one dream a year,
always on Tax Day.

In it, I must file an extension.

So, yes, it is best
not to have dreams.

Well, I still wish I could've
got you back in time.

Why do you care
so much about this?

I don't know, it's your dream,

and, you know,
you changed my life,

made me wanna be a better man,
or whatever.

Thank you for trying.

But deep down,

I always knew
I'd never be Commissioner.

All my dreams start with

my step-sister
painting her house.

And they end with
the house looking great?

No. Sex.

Guys! Guys!
Wake up, wake up, wake up.

Up, up, up! Come on!
What's going on?

Captain Holt, I know
you've given up on your future,

but I haven't.
You're going to that interview.

- It's too late, Peralta.
- Just put a sock in it, man!

I'm doing this because of
how much I care about you,

so just stay the hell
out of the way!

But we're too late to drive,

and there's no
available flights.

That's what I thought,
but on the way here,

we passed the town of Jacksboro.

I knew I recognized it
from somewhere.

Where?
Sorry, are you monologuing,

or is this a call-
and-response thing?

No, that was great.

Now, I order a lot of
beef jerky online,

'cause I'm a cool guy
with cool interests,

and it's always shipped
from Jacksboro, Texas.

There's a huge
fulfillment center there.

- There is?
- Yes, Charles.

I called them,
and they ship their packages

out of a regional airport.
They do?

That's too much.
Maybe back off a little bit.

Passenger planes
don't fly out of Jacksboro,

but thing planes do!

- You mean cargo planes?
- Yes, thank you.

- Terry gets to interject?
- The point is,

we get to fly on the back of
a cargo plane to Philadelphia.

When do we have to be
in Jacksboro?

In an hour and a half,
so get up and get ready.

Well, we've been in
these clothes since Friday.

We smell like butt.
And all our stuff exploded.

Right, good point.

Uh, I guess we'll just
have to borrow some.

Oh, no. From who?

♪

All: ♪ No sleep till Brooklyn!

We look so cool right now.

I feel like we're in
a Mervyn's commercial.

All: Yeah, Mervyn's!

Is this cattle trailer safe?

Who cares, it's fun.

Yeah, it's terrifying,

but it doesn't matter, because
we're almost to the airport.

What? No, why?

Just because we're eight people

standing in the back
of a cattle car?

Nah, I don't care about that.

We got a tip saying
there were drugs being moved

in the back of
a gray bovine transport unit.

Well, this is terrible.

Wait a minute,
who called this tip in?

- It's impossible to say.
- They said the drugs were in

the back of
a bovine transport unit.

- Who calls it that?
- Everyone.

That's what they're called.

Yeah, if you're a robot,

and you're the only robot
I know, sir.

Bovine. Transport. Unit.

Meep-morp. Zeep.

This is preposterous.
What are you implying?

Let me see your phone.
I wanna see your call history.

- No.
- Let me see it!

- No... no! Get away!
- Give it to me!

Guys, come on. Break it up!

Ah-ha!

25 minutes ago,
outgoing call to 911.

You sabotaged us, Mr. Robot!
Not the TV show,

but the point is,
you sabotaged us!

Terry, would you do the honors?

Why?

You called the pigs on us?

I don't know how this happened.

Perhaps it was a bottom dial.
Liar.

The reason you said you knew
you'd never become Commissioner

is 'cause you were
making sure of it.

You've been sabotaging us
from the beginning.

Oh, please.

You drove by Nakatomi Plaza
on purpose, didn't you?

You knew I would see it
and go insane

and have to go inside,

and then you trapped us
in there, didn't you?

- Didn't you?
- Fine. I did.

Over here is the elevator
where McClane put the

"now I have a machine gun,
ho, ho, ho" down.

Take my picture with it!

And there were plenty of
rental cars at the airport,

- weren't there?
- Hundreds.

And you broke
the speedometer. And what else?

Did you somehow force Scully
to stink up the RV

so we'd have to stop more often?

It wasn't difficult.

Three corndogs for 99 cents?

Who could possibly eat
three corndogs

and has a dollar?

Oh, my God.

Did you blow up the Creeper?
Not on purpose.

Once I realized
your revolting cheese puffs

were made with some extremely
unstable chemicals,

I deposited a few
in the gas tank.

I thought they'd shut
the engine down.

I didn't realize
they'd ignite it.

You really shouldn't
eat those, Peralta.

Don't tell me what to do,
saboteur.

How dare you make me this upset
while I'm wearing this outfit?

Look, we've been busting
our asses the whole weekend

to try and get you back
to New York in time,

and for what?
Is it all just a lie?

Is there even
a Commissioners meeting.

Are you even Captain Holt?

Do you even have a dog
named Cheddar?

There's a Commissioners meeting,

and I do have a dog
named Cheddar.

Then why'd you do it?

I'm compromised.

I made a decision a while ago,

and now some people are
holding it over my head.

I'm afraid of
what they'll ask me to do

if I become Commissioner.

You're compromised?
How did this happen,

Mr. Prevailing Traffic
and Road Conditions?

It doesn't matter.

- Seamus Murphy.
- What?

Seamus Murphy, the gangster.
He offered me info

that would get you and Rosa
out of prison,

in exchange for a favor.

And Holt told me
to turn it down,

because he said
it was too risky.

But you didn't turn it down,
did you, Captain?

- No, I did not.
- Wait...

So you risked everything to get
me and Rosa out of prison?

Oh, my God.
You did all of this for us?

I love you, Da... aptain...
Daptain.

It's the cool new way
of saying Captain.

- It's from the world of hip-hop.
- Love you.

Sir, why didn't you tell us?

I didn't want any of you
entangled in this.

This is my decision,

and it's also my responsibility.

Sir, with all due respect,

the first thing
that you taught me

when you came to the Nine-Nine
is that we're a team,

so your responsibility
is my responsibility too.

- And mine.
- And mine.

- And mine.
- And mine.

- And mine.
- Six people seems like a lot.

I mean, at some point,
it's just too many cooks.

And mine.

You're gonna take that meeting,

you're gonna get the job,

and you're gonna
become Commissioner,

and we'll all figure out
what to do about Murphy.

I'm touched...

But it's moved.
We've missed the cargo plane.

And now there's no way
to get back in time

for me to make my meeting.
Nuhuh.

- Amy?
- What up, bro?

I need you to climb back on
that strungness ladder,

and I need you
to climb pretty high.

- How high?
- Remember that time

we went to the deli
for cold cuts,

and the ticket machine
was broken,

so you found out
what time everyone arrived

and made them get in
a single-file line

- from earliest to latest?
- Yeah.

Higher.

Copy that.

You might wanna stand back
for this, sir.

It can get pretty intense.

All right, you mooks,
our union health plan has

100% reimbursement for
out-of-state ambulance rides.

Scully will fake
a medical emergency.

Don't need to fake it.
Always having at least one.

Great. You call an ambulance,
and have it take us here

to Monroe, Louisiana.
The ambulance can drive

25 miles over
the posted speed limit,

so we'll get there by 9:00 p.m.

There's a small airport there,
mostly servicing crop dusters.

Of course,
they can't take passengers,

but thanks to a loophole
in H.R. 377551,

police officers are allowed
to commandeer any plane

in the interest of
national security.

The crop duster will land
at an airstrip

outside of Finksburg, Maryland.
We'll take a cab to Baltimore,

jump on the 6:48 a.m. train
to New York,

arriving at 9:26.

Kevin will meet us
at Penn Station

with a fresh Captain's uniform.

From there,
it's a 29-minute cab ride

to One Police Plaza.
You change on the way,

and we should
get to your meeting

with five minutes to spare.

Stop clapping, you idiots!
We gotta move, move, move!

I love her.

All: ♪ No sleep till Brooklyn!

♪ No sleep till Brooklyn!

Yes! We did it!

I can't believe we did it!

Peralta, thank you

for not quitting on me.

Of course, sir. Go get 'em.

Wait, wait! Just one more thing.

Your first class mint?

I know how important
this is to you.

You know what really
makes a trip first class?

It's not the extra leg room

or the complimentary drinks...
Actually, Terry,

we don't really have time
for a speech right now.

Fine, your breath sucks!
Just pop it and go!

It's good to be home.

Uh-buh-buh-buh-buh!
Drink this instead.

A mimosa!

Made with First Class Champagne.

That's the brand name.
It's from Arkansas.

I hope it's good.

- Hell yeah!
- Really?

No, it's terrible, but I
really appreciate the thought.

Oh, I'll take it.

- Hey.
- Hey.

So, I didn't say anything
about being bi,

because I didn't think
it was anybody's business.

And I also didn't want
anything to change.

I get it.
I'm sorry I was so nosy.

It actually felt really good

to tell somebody
on the squad, finally.

I'm glad it was you. All right.

Also, now we go back to

never talking about
my love life again.

Uh, request denied.
Is her name Anne? Meredith?

Kim? Erica? Moana?

- Captain Holt!
- It's official.

My hat is in the ring
for Commissioner.

I still don't know
how we're gonna deal with

the Murphy complication.

Two words: Laser jails.

But, you know,
we'll figure it out.

Nine-Nine!

All: Nine-Nine!

Not a doctor.