All language subtitles for Brooklyn Nine-Nine - 05x07 - Two Turkeys

Gobble! Gobble!

Tommy Gobbler's back
and he wants to hear

what you turkeys
are thankful for.

- Charles, you gotta stop.
- Nah.

I don't gobble
understand people.

- But, Charles...
- Gobble.

- Dude.
- Gobble.

Gobble, gobble,
your tail feather

is caught in the gobble door.
Thank you.

Gobble... wait, what?

Ow.

I think your feathers
are ripping.

Gobble.

Gobble.

♪

All right, you know the drill.

We've been living and breathing
this operation for years.

It goes down today
and we only get one shot.

Thanksgiving 2017,
the meeting of the parents.

Our objective is clear.
Our parents will laugh,

they will bond, and then
when the time is right,

our fathers will share
a hug good-bye

and it will be weird,
but in the good way.

Oh, my God. What is that photo?

I did an image search
for dads hugging.

I didn't have a lot of time
to put this board together.

Now then, let's review
our targets, shall we?

First we have the Santiagos:
Camila and Victor.

They are traditional, reserved,

and like their daughter,
controlling.

I wouldn't say I'm controlling.

I would say I'm Type A.

You should write Type A there
instead of controlling.

Vivid example of
what we're up against.

Now then, on the other side,
we have the Peraltas:

Karen and Roger.
They are perfectly normal,

no known flaws.

All right, fine.
My dad's a selfish drunken slut

and my mom's a flighty weirdo.
This is gonna be a disaster.

I knew you'd say that,
which is why we have this.

A list of things
they have in common.

We can use it to grease
the conversation.

Ooh, convo grease.

This is perfect.

Okay, our dads both golf.
Our mom's both paint.

All four of them have hair.

Yeah, but that's
bottom of the barrel stuff.

We're not gonna have
to use that.

Oh, you did
a lot of work on this.

I'm really impressed.
Oh, well, you know,

it's really important to me.
I feel like it's a chance

for me to finally have
the big family Thanksgiving

I never got as a kid. Oh, babe.

It's gonna be amazing.

Are you erasing the word
controlling behind my back

- while we kiss?
- Mm-hmm.

We can keep it in my office
until it's time to leave.

What do you have in the
pastry box, sir? Brownies?

No, you hold brownies
from the side.

He's holding it from the bottom.

True. Maybe it s a cheesecake.

But there's no condensation
on the box.

It's room temperature.
Look at the finger spread,

tensing in the shoulders.

He's supporting something dense.

- It's a pie.
- It is a pie.

- Damn, that was impressive.
- But this is not just any pie.

It's an English walnut pie
from the Cottage Inn

in Saratoga Springs.
Raymond and I drive

all the way upstate for it
every year.

It's the finest
sweet treat on earth.

Even better than a plain scone.

Wow, that good, huh?

We're bringing it to Kevin's
parents' house tonight.

Can't wait. What do you all
have planned for Turkey day?

Well, I've got
a great Thanksgiving planned.

Nikolaj has taken to food
just like his papa,

so I'm making an exotic spread.

If it can fly or swim,
we're eating its eggs.

Well, at the Jeffords' house,
it's not just Thanksgiving,

it's also Ava's birthday,
so we do it up huge.

I got her a Perry the Parrot.

That's a hot toy.
Terry tried ten toy stores.

I guess I'm only one
doing this holiday right.

Hitting the open road
with my bike.

No family, no friends,
no dinner.

- That sounds really dark.
- Thank you.

Well, everyone's plans
seem lovely.

Oh, Hitchcock and I
didn't say ours.

How unfortunate.

Okay, the house is all clean.

The wine is in the fridge.

What is this pitcher
of gray water?

I read an article that said

when you wash vegetables,

all the nutrients
leach into the water

and then you can drink it.
They call it a super water.

Oh. Well, that's neat.

I am gonna just
hide it right over here.

Dad, you almost ready?

The Santiagos are very punctual?

I'm already out of the shower.

Chill, bro. Don't call me "bro."

- I'm your son.
- Okay, dude.

"Dude" is not an improvement.

- Oh, boy, they're here.
- Oh, now, honey,

I know you're nervous,
but it's gonna be fine.

We can handle ourselves.

Hola. Feliz Thanksgiving.

Jake told me you were Cuban.

Yes, I did, and I regret it.
Come on in.

So nice to finally meet you.
I'm Victor.

- And I'm Camila.
- Oh.

And you brought a turkey?
She sure did.

Even though I told her that
you were making the turkey,

and all she needed to bring
was stuffing.

The stuffing's inside it
and now we have two turkeys,

- just in case.
- In case of what?

I don't know.

Anyway, it was in the car
when she picked me up.

- Isn't that fun?
- The most fun.

Why don't we just
get comfortable.

My dad is just... Hey, Karebear,

which pants do you think... Dad!

- Honey.
- The Santiagos are here.

Feliz Thanksgiving.
How was the trip in?

The flight must have been awful.

- Hey, Dad?
- This holiday is the worst.

Could we just press pause on
that and maybe get some pants?

Fine. I'll put on some pants.

Thanks.

Squad, bullpen, now.

- Is everything okay, sir?
- No, it is not.

I went to a meeting
and when I returned,

my pie was gone.
Which one of you took it?

Calm down, there's no need
to point fingers.

At us. It was clearly
Hitchcock and Scully.

How dare you. You have no proof.

There's crumbs
all over your desks.

Well, these aren't pie crumbs.

Bread, cookie, pizza,
sandwich, blintz,

and one good old
fashioned potato chip.

No pie here.
I just humiliated you.

Look, this doesn't have
to be a big deal.

Whoever took that pie,
come forward

and all will be forgiven.

Smart. You knew
I would never forgive you.

But you're dumb if you think

I won't get
to the bottom of this.

Everyone here is a suspect.

Okay, not off to a great start.

My mom brought
a passive-aggressive turkey

and we all saw your dad's penis
through his undies.

What? You did?
Why were you looking?

No, I wasn't.
It all happened so fast.

Hey, everyone, I'm sorry
for not being "dressed."

I didn't think you guys
were gonna be so early.

We arrived at
the agreed upon time.

Right. So, like, super early.

Convo grease.
Convo grease them right now.

Yes. Mrs. Peralta,

I love this new ceramic
that you painted.

You know, my mom paints as well.

- Really?
- Yes.

I paint on canvases though. Oh.

- And that's different?
- Very.

- Completely.
- I just always found canvas

to be too restricting.

For me with bowls
and vases and furniture,

the world is my canvas.

Yes, and for me, with canvas,

the canvas is my canvas.

- She said "canvas" so much.
- Who wants to hear a joke?

Do you mean like a riddle?
'Cause I love riddles.

No, I mean like a joke joke,

where I say it and you laugh.

No, then I'm not interested.

Oh. Well... golf.

Yes, golf.
Anyone hit the links lately?

- I don't play golf.
- What are you talking about?

You played it all the time
when I was a kid.

- Never played golf in my life.
- Jake, your remembering

when he used to pretend to golf

so that he could spend his
Sunday's cheating on me.

- Ah.
- Oh, yeah.

- Oops.
- But it's okay now.

We're happy,
we're back together...

- We're cool.
- And, you know,

all relationships
have rough patches.

- Right, Camila?
- No.

- Jake.
- Hair.

We all have hair.

Mm.

Okay, this is bad.

None of the convo grease worked.

We need a new plan.
There's gotta be some way

to make them get along.
Maybe we could play a game.

No. No games.
My dad gets super competitive.

He used to flip out on me
when I beat him at Adult Clue.

It was the only board game
he had at his condo.

All the murder weapons
were sex toys.

Oh, okay. You know what?

Actually, my dad is super
competitive too.

It's bad. He got kicked off
a bird watching tour once.

- Look, a kingfisher.
- No, no, no, no, no.

That's the same bird
I saw earlier.

- That doesn't count.
- Yikes.

All right, so it's agreed.

We steer clear
of all competition.

Why can't there be
some magic potion

that makes everyone happy
and have fun all the time?

Who wants some alcohol?

Thank you very much, David.

That'll be all.

There are no prints on the box,
no DNA evidence,

and the security camera
in my office was obscured,

which means whoever took my pie

thought it through.
And that means...

It wasn't Hitchcock and Scully.

Exactly.

Now, as for you three,

I think it's time
we had a little chat.

How long you been planning this?

A day? A week? A year?

Or is this the only reason you
joined the force to begin with?

So you think I became a cop
just so I can steal your pie?

Your words not mine.

No, don't tell me
why you did it.

Tell him. You want me to talk to

this picture of your husband?

Look him in the eye
and tell him what you did.

- I didn't do it, Kevin.
- Don't you say his name.

No, Terry, I'm not mad at you.

I know you didn't mean to do it.

You just got hungry,

and that's the most
natural thing in the world.

- I didn't take your pie.
- You're lying!

If you're so innocent,
where were you

when the pie went missing?
I was at the grocery store

buying goose feet
for Nikolaj's dinner.

I was getting the oil changed
in my bike.

Preparing for
my solo Thanksgiving ride.

I was at the gym.

Ava's birthday/Thanksgiving
dinner's a high-caloric affair.

Terry needs to earn that feast.

Everybody has an alibi.
How convenient.

So I hope you're comfortable
because I will keep you in here

all day if necessary!

We need the room
to question someone

about the Red Hook homicide.
Oh, no problem.

We'll be right out.
Okay, we are one glass in.

My mom's telling a story
about my birth

and your parents
are not recoiling.

Good. Let's keep it going.
I think we need to top 'em off.

A-top them off.

Every night I'm told what to do

and every morning
I do what I'm told,

but yet I cannot escape
your scold.

What am I? An alarm clock.

Oh, I get it.
So a riddle is just like a fact

that's told in
a really confusing way.

- Exactly.
- Hey, I used to fly

with Sully Sullenberger.
What he did was amazing.

Between us, I could have
landed that plane on the ground

at the destination without
killing any of those birds.

Is my dad playing piano?

And is my dad scatting?

- This is amazing.
- Oh, my.

Who wants more wine?

No, no, no, no, no more for me.

In fact, I think everyone here
has had enough.

- We have?
- Yes.

Now we're drinking this.

Rum from Cuba.

Rum from Cuba!

I saw what you did this morning

when you deduced the contents
of my bakery box.

Impressive.
Now I need to use your skills

to find my pie.

It's about time you came to us.

Here's what we need from you.

A list of the pie's ingredients.

We're looking
for anything that might linger

on someone's breath.
We need surveillance footage

from the water fountain,
the crumb consistency was dry.

Whoever ate it's
gonna be thirsty.

Now what kind of crimped edge
are we dealing with here?

- U-shaped or V?
- I don't know.

Well, then get on
the damned phone

and find out.

Babe, our parents
are vibing hard.

Drinking just makes people
get along better.

Do you think
if I got my parents drunk

every day when I was a kid
they would have stayed together

and we would have had
a happy family?

- Probably. Yeah.
- Right. Yeah.

I'd like to say a few words.

Camila and I thrilled
to welcome you into our family,

so allow me to be the first to
bless this union with a toast.

To Jake and Amy.
All: To Jake and Amy.

Aww, thanks, Dad.
That was really sweet.

- I have a toast too.
- Oh.

Karen and I would like
to welcome you into our family.

And allow me to be the first
to say that we love you.

To Jake and Amy.
Congratulations.

All: To Jake and Amy.

- Thanks, Dad.
- I'd like to go again.

Uh-oh, they're
getting competitive.

It goes without saying,
I love you both.

- But you didn't say it.
- I'd just like to add,

if there's anything
you ever need,

the Santiagos are here for you.

- To Jake and Amy.
- Round two.

Oh, that seems like plenty, Dad.

No, if Victor gets two toasts,

then I do too.

I would like to go
one step further and say that

if there is anything
that you need or want

the Peraltas are there for you.

That doesn't sound like
a better offer than mine.

Yeah, it is.

It's a lot better than yours.

Jake...

I'll give you
my grandfather's watch.

You are now a Santiago.

I would like
to pay for the wedding.

Amy, you are now my daughter.

- All: What?
- I win.

To Jake and Amy.

Oh, no.
There are downsides to alcohol.

Well, that was
a lovely series of toasts,

Now who can I interest
in 12 cups of coffee?

No, I'd like to know
what Roger meant

when he said he would pay
for the wedding.

How much are you willing
to give them?

- Whatever they need.
- You know, it's tradition

for the bride's family to pay.
It's also tradition

for the host to make the turkey.

- Okay, guys...
- Bottom line is,

we appreciate the offer,
but we're paying.

No, you gave him the watch.
That was your gift.

Maybe we should
just split the wedding.

It's a great idea, Mom.

Given your financial situation.

- No.
- What's that supposed to mean?

Our financial "situation"?

You know, I think
we probably all had

just about enough
of this delicious rum.

I'm gonna dump it out
into this plant.

That's a $600 bottle.

$527. I looked it up online.

If you paid $600, you're making
some bad choices, my friend.

All right, it's dinner time.
Everybody go wash your hands.

I'd never said that before.
Amy, you come with me.

This is a nightmare.

This is worse than
my sixth birthday party

when I caught my dad making out
with a female clown

in the bounce house.
Oh, my dad is the worst.

I know.
He's ruining the whole day.

Yeah, but, you know,

don't just blame my dad.

You literally just said
he's the worst.

I know. It's okay when I say it.

You have to pretend
like he's cool.

Those are the rules.
Plus, you gotta admit,

your parents were being
a little condescending.

Why? Because they asked
what was in the dip

that seemed to be just mayo?
All dip is just mayo.

Yes, but no, what I was
referring to was the fact that

your mom brought
her own hand towels.

As if my mom wouldn't
have washed hers knowing

they had guests coming over?
Did she?

No, you don't have to.

They're only touched
by freshly cleaned hands.

- They never get dirty.
- Wow.

The unhygienic apple
doesn't fall far

from the unhygienic tree.

Did you just call my mom a tree?

I called her an unhygienic tree.

Wow. Wow.

Wow. All right, you know what?

Let's just go back in there

and enjoy
our joyous Thanksgiving

and hopefully no one's parents
will ruin it.

Fine.
Well, I know that my parents

aren't gonna ruin
any joyousness.

In fact, they're gonna be
joyous as hell.

Not nearly as joyous
as my parents.

Thank you, all, for joining me.

I checked into your alibis.

Or should I say...

alib-lies!

Diaz, if you were changing
the oil in your bike

for your big ride up the coast,
then tell me,

why is your tank only half full?

- You dipsticked my bike?
- That's not all I dipsticked.

Mr. Fit, or should I call you
by your real name?

Mr. Fib. I find it quite odd

that you were building up
an appetite at the gym

when your gym is closed
on Thanksgiving.

And, Boyle,
out buying goose feet

- for Nickolaj?
- Nikolaj.

I found
your grocery store receipt.

No feet of any kind.
But there was one purchase,

a beverage that pairs
perfectly with pie.

One gallon of milk!

This heist took three people.

Lady Dipstick, Mr. Fib,
and the Milk Man.

The jig is up. Confess.

- Okay, I lied.
- Thank you.

Not about the pie.
About my Thanksgiving.

I'm not spending it alone.
I'm spending it with my family.

We're seeing the new
"Minions" musical on Broadway.

And I wasn't putting oil
in my bike.

I was picking up these matching
T-shirts for my whole family.

I missed my family a lot

when I was in prison and we've
gotten really close again.

I was embarrassed about
how pumped I am to see them.

The T-shirts were my idea.

Okay. It was a two-man job.

No, I didn't steal
your pie either.

I lied about the gym because
I was still trying to find

a Perry the Parrot for Ava.

I forgot it was
her birthday coming up

and by the time I realized,
the dumb toy was all sold out.

I just didn't want
you guys to know

what a horrible dad I really am.

Well, now we do. Boyle?

Nikolaj is a picky eater!

I lied about his pallet.
All he drinks is milk.

All he eats is buttered noodles.

- And perhaps my walnut pie?
- I wish.

He hates nuts.
My son is a basic bitch.

So none of you took my pie.

Captain,
you're gonna wanna see this.

Their desks were clean,

so we expanded
the search radius.

Take a look.

My pie,
and it wasn't even eaten.

Just thrown away
like common street trash.

Makes me sick.
Spend your life on the force,

and it never gets easier.

Wow, Mom,
what a delightful dinner.

I mean, these have gotta be
the most joyous green beans

I've ever seen.
Oh, thanks, honey.

They're pre-made from a can.
Great.

Shall we carve the turkey?
Get this dinner started?

I'm an excellent carver.
Allow me.

I think I can carve the turkey.

After all, it is my house

and sitting right here
in front of me.

We have two turkeys.

You can both carve one.
Yes, thank goodness

for the second turkey, a very
normal thing to have brought.

This is actually very good
because now everybody could see

who cuts the turkey better.
You're on.

- Wow. Really mature.
- You're just saying that

because you know
my dad's gonna win.

- As if.
- Hey, Roger,

You like jokes. Here's one.

I'd hate to be a passenger
on one of your flights

if you fly as slow
as you cut a turkey.

Riddle me this, Victor.
Who sucks at carving turkey,

thinks their rum is good
when it's bad?

You. Up top, Jake.

- Joyous.
- Uh, Camila,

did you put your stuffing
in my ceramic?

- I thought it was a bowl.
- It's art.

What does that mean?

What did she say?
She said it was a bowl.

Bet you didn't know
I understood Spanish.

Very impressive. You learn that

from one of your mistresses?
Yeah.

As a matter of fact, I did.
Sounds like someone's jealous.

I bet you never even had sex.
Oh, I've had sex.

And I'm actually pretty good.
Camila?

- The best.
- What is happening right now?

Roger's really good at sex too.

- Ha, ha, I'm so grossed out.
- You know what?

I'm sick of you
looking down your nose at us.

I know the Peralta's
aren't perfect,

but we don't look down
on other people.

I mean, you come into our home
and you act like we're idiots.

Well, we're not idiots.
In fact...

- I just cut my thumb off.
- What?

I just cut my thumb off.

Oh, my God!

I think it's... it's bad.

Excuse me,
my father cut his thumb off.

We need help right now.
Do you have the thumb?

Yeah, I got it right here.

It's in a plastic baggy.

It's not just sitting
on the ice cream.

Okay, just fill out these forms.

Someone will be with you
in a bit.

I think this might
be it for me, little man.

There's something
you gotta know, Jake.

You have three half-sisters.
What?

One in Atlanta, one in Newark,

one in Dallas Fort Worth.
All the hubs.

Okay, we have to get him help
right now.

He can't die. I've gotta
hear more about this.

It's a holiday,
we're understaffed,

we'll get to your father
eventually.

He needs help now!

You know who this man is?
Captain Roger Peralta.

He taught Sully Sullenberger
how to fly.

It's just that
we're understaffed.

No excuses.
You're going to take this man

to the OR right now
or I'm gonna sue you

and everybody in this hospital.

Uh, go with him.

- I love you, buddy.
- Oh.

Thanks, that's nice.
I love you, nurse.

I love you lady in the scarf.

Significantly less meaningful.

- I love you candy machine.
- Victor, that was amazing.

Thank you so much for coming.
Of course.

Your mom and Camila
are on the way.

They're still cleaning up
all the blood.

Yeah, there was so much.
They might have to move.

Babe, I'm really sorry
about all the things I said.

You know, I didn't mean it.
Yeah, me neither.

And, look, this is all my fault.

I just wanted
a big family Thanksgiving,

and I forced it, so it's on me.

But, look, I love you, and...

Is that still your dad's thumb?

Oh, my God, yes. He needs this.

Nurse?

Hello, Raymond.
Ready to go to dinner?

Yes, but I have some
unfortunate news about our pie.

- It was thrown away.
- No.

- Are you serious?
- Mm-hmm.

- And I know who did it.
- Who?

You all bragged about
your Thanksgiving plans.

Why? You were overcompensating.

Trying to cover up
your dark secrets,

but there was one other person
who was also overcompensating.

You. Kevin.

Even better than a plain scone.

Plain scone. Plain scone.

I should have known
you were lying.

There's nothing better
than a plain scone.

- This is ridiculous.
- Is it?

Look how
the pie was disposed of.

Placed gently with two hands
inside the bin.

That's exactly how
you always throw away garbage.

- It is?
- There's only one thing

I still can't figure out.

Why'd you do it?
Because it's disgusting.

- Oh, my.
- That pie is an abomination.

It has beef suet
and apple seeds in it.

Why? It's a walnut pie.

If we brought that
to my family's house,

hey would have said something.

I was trying to protect you.

Why didn't you just
tell me the truth?

Because I love our annual trips

to Saratoga Springs.

The two of us
driving in silence,

looking at the barren trees.
It's perfect.

I... I didn't wanna lose that.

I'm sorry.
I don't know why we can't

still make the drive next year.

We just don't have
to buy the pie.

A trip with no purpose?

Raymond...

- Hey, Dad, how's it going?
- I'm fine.

They reattached my thumb.

Oh, that's great.
So you'll be able to fly again?

Yeah, that was never in doubt.

You don't need thumbs
to fly anymore.

You just hit one button.

The plane takes care
of the rest.

I have to believe
that's not true.

Oh, looks like Mom's
already tuckered out.

Yeah, you know how tired
she gets when she drinks.

She won't be up for 12 hours.
Hey, Jake,

you know how you said
you always wanted to have

a big family Thanksgiving?
I had five brothers,

three sisters, four aunts,
and 12 cousins

who spent
every holiday together.

I had the kind of family
that you dream of.

Oh, are you done?

That seemed like
a really mean place to stop,

but you're taking a long pause.

- When we all were together...
- Ah.

Huge mess. I can't tell you

how many holidays
I spent in an ER.

But that's what it means

to have a big family.

Like this one.

Oh. Well, thank you, Victor.

And apparently my family's
a lot bigger than I thought.

How many half sisters
did you say I have, Dad?

I only told you
about the sisters?

- Come on.
- Roger, I want to apologize

to you for being so defensive

about you wanting
to pay for the wedding.

I'm sorry too. It was stupid.

I was just feeling insecure
because...

'Cause I gave Jake the watch?

I was gonna say
because you saw my penis

through my underpants,

but the watch, yeah, sure.

I was thinking, if you wanna
pay for the wedding,

it would be fine,
but we can split it.

It's up to you.

That seems fair.

You're a good dude.
Come here, give me a hug.

Give me a... hug me. Hug me.

Bring it in.
Oh, Jake, it's happening.

The weird but good dad hug.

Oh, it's magical.

Best Thanksgiving ever.

Yep, Dad, your gown's riding up.

- Oh.
- It's out.

- Ooh, I...
- It's out.

Not a doctor. Shh.