All language subtitles for Last.Tango.In.Halifax.S03E01.WEBRip.x264-ION10

Oh, I remember it now!

Oh, go on.

So, there's this fella and
he's buying this face cream...

Yeah? And he says to the
woman behind the counter,

"This stuff's marvellous.
I've only been using it a few weeks.

"You'll never guess how old I am."

And she says "Oh...36?"

He says, "No, I'm 47!"

And she goes, "Oh, that's wonderful,
I must try some of that myself."

Anyway, next off he goes on
to the post office

and he gets chatting to the fella
behind the counter and he says,

"You want to try some of this
face cream I've been using.

"You'll never guess how old I am."

And the fella behind
the counter says, "Oh...35?"

He says, "No, I'm 47!"

And the fella behind
the counter says,

"Oh, that's wonderful. I'll have
to get some of that myself."

And he's just leaving post office

and he bumps into this
little old lady.

Oh, aye.

And he says to her, "I bet you
can't guess how old I am."

And she says, "Well, I probably can,
but I'm just going to have to put

"my hand down the
front of your trousers."

And he's like, "Oh...OK."

So she puts her hand down inside
his trousers and has a bit of a...

..rummage around.

And then, after two or
three minutes, she says,

"You're 47!"

And he says, "Good Lord, how do
you know? How can you tell?"

And she says, "I was stood
behind you in the chemist."

Hey! I never told you.

Our Gillian's got a date.

Has she? Who with?

I've kept you waiting. No!

I'm really sorry.

Let me get you a drink.

No, no, no, no! Let me.

Oh, you've already...

A fella.

Well, that's something in itself.

God, this is really embarrassing.

Is it? Why?

Gary, he's called.

Mmmm... Gary Jackson.

I'd forgotten it was
Valentine's Day.

Forgotten?

It's one of those things
that goes right over my head.

Where did she met him?

Oh, he came into the shop once or
twice, then he's asked her out.

Not that I didn't
want to ask you out.

But it wasn't...

It shouldn't have been obviously,

quite so obvious or full-on
as that would seem to suggest.

And now I've offended you. No!

I'm such a...

No, no, you haven't, Gary.
Honestly.

I just...

I wanted a chance just
to talk to you and now...

It's fine. Is it?

It'd take more than that to
offend me. Really, believe me.

I've been offended by people
who really know

what they're talking about.

You look really nice.

So do you.

I've booked a table for two.

Half past seven.

Gary Jackson.

TELEVISION: Your bonuses
are on quantum physics.

Heisenberg's original uncertainty
relation concerned

which two observable
properties of a particle?

Position and momentum.

TELEVISION:
Yeah, location and momentum.

Position and momentum is correct,
yes.

Quantitatively, the product
of the two uncertainties

is always greater than or equal to
the unreduced Planck's constant,

H, divided by what number?

Four pi.

Come along.

Let's have it, please.

Four pi.

Quickly.

MUMBLES: It's four pi! Hello!

TELEVISION: Speed of light?
It's four pi.

No shit.

I'm turning this off.

Oh, guess what!

Gillian's got a date.

Has she? Gillian?

This bloke just... What bloke?

..came into the shop, apparently,
and asked her out.

Oh, that's romantic.

Is it? Isn't it?

Oh, it's very Gillian.

I can never work out whether
you love Gillian to bits,

or if you think she's
a complete plonker.

Well, it's kind of...

both.

I've got something else for you...

..as well as the card and the
flowers and the chocolate.

What?

(OK.)

You know Christmas?

Yeah.

I was so happy when, you know...

And I was thinking,

with the baby nearly due
and everything...

Should...

Shall...

Why don't we get married?

Properly...

..married.

Is that a...?

What is that?

OK.

I'm going to tell you this thing
that happened to me recently.

OK.

It's a story. Yeah...

My mother died.

Oh, God, I'm sorry.

This is six, seven months ago.
August, August 15th.

Er, she was 77.

She'd been ill.

And anyway, I was sorting through
the house, going through her things,

me and my brother.

And I found a marriage certificate,

her and my dad's marriage
certificate,

in an old biscuit tin
under the stairs,

which I'd never seen before,
not surprisingly because...

it turns out they got married
not in 1966

when they'd always told us
they'd got married, but in 1967.

Exact same date
they'd always celebrated,

but one whole year later,

which would also mean that
when they got married...

she was already pregnant,
four or five months...

with me.

You know, these things happen.

Well, less so then.

No, it's a myth.

Does it matter?

Yeah. No, well, no, not in itself.

OK.

So, anyway, I just happened to
mention this to my Auntie Jean,

my dad's sister.

She's in her eighties, 85,
she lives up Siddal.

This was over Christmas.

Anyway, I said it
and she went a bit quiet.

And then, eventually,
eventually, she said...

"Well, I suppose
if I don't tell you,

"there's no-one left that can."

"Gordon wasn't your real dad."

(No way!)

Yeah. Wow. God.

Apparently, my mother had
a relationship, a fling,

with a man who was married.

And then she went and got pregnant
with me.

And my dad, being my dad, or the man
who I always thought was my dad,

he, he, he'd always had
a soft spot for her

and they were friends
and basically...

he must've agreed to
pretend that I was his.

My God. So that's...
Wow, so that's, er...

..a shock.

He was a nice man, my dad, I never
had any reason to imagine that...

Well, why would you?

So?

So I said to my Auntie Jean,

"Well, who was my real dad, then?

"This man that was married."

And she said...

"It was that Buttershaw fella."

I mean, it's a long time ago,
obviously, but she seemed very sure.

And so the thing is...

Hang on. Hang on.

Which Buttershaw fella?

Your dad.

In 1966?

Yeah. No.

No, er...

He married my mum in 1957.

Yeah, well, OK. But...

Do you know how many Buttershaws
there are round here?

I do, yeah.

Can I just get to
the end of the story?

OK, go on.

So when she said, "It was that
Buttershaw fella", I said, "Who?"

and, and, and she said,

"Him in the Courier."

"Celia and Alan find
wedded bliss after 60 years."

She said, "That's him."

Is she senile?

No. She can't get about
like she did,

but mentally,
she's bright as a button.

OK. What you, er...

Bless your auntie,
but what you have to understand,

Gary...

..is that my dad isn't like that.

Well, I don't know,
obviously. I've...

I've not met him.

It sounds to me...

I'm just telling you
what she's said.

It does sound to me like

she's seen a photo
of somebody in the paper

and she's just latched on to it.

Would he do a blood test?

No.

Look, Gillian, I don't want
anything, Gillian.

I just...

It's just that, now I've started
getting a little bit used

to the idea that my dad
wasn't my dad...

..I want to know where I came from.

Oh, hang on.

So that day when we got
chatting in Greenhoughs...

Yeah, that was... Yeah.

Yeah, that wasn't entirely...

A friend of mine recognised you
from the picture in the Courier.

And after I'd told him this
business that my auntie'd said...

I didn't know it was Valentine's Day
when I suggested tonight!

And I'm really sorry
if you got the wrong idea.

And I approached you rather than him

cos in the Courier it said
that he'd had a heart attack.

So I didn't want to go giving
him a shock, obviously.

Well, that's, er...

He loved my mum.

They were nice, happy people.

I'd just been born in 1965.

He wouldn't have been mucking
about with somebody!

And you couldn't broach it with him?

She's barking up the wrong tree.

Are you up?

I'm just taking Alan
a cup of tea in bed.

Just quickly, Kate and...

Oh, did you have a nice evening?

Perfect. Good.

Kate... Aren't we boring?

No, you're lovely.

I know what they were all thinking.

"Dozy old beggars."

All who? In the restaurant.

I couldn't give a monkey's.

No, well, that's...

That's one of the joys
of getting older.

You'll find you give less
and less of a monkey's.

Yeah, good.
Sorry, I'm in a rush, Mum.

You won't like this but me
and Kate, we're going to...

We're going to h-have, h-have...

A bath? No.

A party? No.

A fortnight in the Bananas?

We're going to get married.
So, er...

So we've chosen a date.

Why do you assume
I wouldn't like it?

Well, I know you're...
I know it's all, you know...

outside your comfort zone.

I don't know why you think that.

There's no-one more broad-minded
than me and Alan.

What's so funny?

No, I'm pleased.

I know you like to think
I'm stuck in the Dark Ages...

Well...

Well, what?

No, I'm pleased.
I am, I'm pleased.

I often flick through the G2
when Alan buys a Guardian.

It won't be a big do,
it'll be very discreet.

Just immediate family
and one or two friends.

OK. So, the Friday
of half term. Hopefully.

We're going to see if we can book
a nice little function room

in a nice little hotel.

It's... I just...

We felt that,
with the baby on its way,

we ought to make it
as official as we can.

Then it's, you know, it's official.

What will it call you
when it arrives? The baby.

Will you be its dad?

No, I'll be its mum.

I'll...

It'll have two mums.

Won't it get confused? No.

A child needs a father.

Mum, gay couples bring up
children all the time.

It's perfectly normal.

No, it's not normal, is it?

That's not the right word.

It's becoming increasingly normal.

It'll have two very responsible,
mature, loving parents.

And that's... Oh.
..all that matters.

But no dad?

No dad. What the hell is
so fantastic about dads?

Look at my dad, look at John!
They're a liability.

Alan's not a bad dad.

No, well, Gillian's very lucky.

I sometimes think you've turned
out the way you have

because of your dad.

Do you?

Well, he wasn't a role model,
was he, your father?

I thought you thought
it was your fault. My fault? No.

Kate said that when you
went round to her house

to apologise after you'd
fallen out with Alan,

you said you were worried
it was all your fault.

Yes, because of your dad
being ineffectual as a man.

So I projected things, ideas
and expectations, onto you.

Oh, so that's my dad's fault,

that you projected "expectations"?

Yeah, in a sense.

In a very obvious sense.

I thought you were in a rush.

Yeah, but you do know that's
all bollocks, don't you?

I was born this way,
to quote Lady Gaga.

Oh, I like Lady Gaga.

Do you? Mmmm, she's nuts.

I'm going now.

She reckons to be a lesbian.

I'll bet she isn't,
no more than you are.

You know...

I'm going to work.

OK. Tata, love.

Guess the latest.

Nigel Farage has thrown in the towel
after realising it's not 1957.

No.

They're getting "married".

The lesbians.

Aww!

"A little do," she says.

Thank God.

Are we going all
Atilla the Hun again, dear?

Oh, they do what they want.

I told her, I said, "We're very
broad-minded, me and Alan."

Why are you smiling?

I think they're very well suited.

Well, apart from the fact that
they're both women, yes, possibly.

I thought we'd gone beyond this.

It's for the baby.
It's so it's all official.

I said, "Oh, will you
be the father?"

HE TUTS

She didn't like that.

They're both going to be mums.

I said, "Well,
it'll get very confused".

Will it 'eck.

No, I suppose one black one,
one white one...

it'll soon know its colours.

More tea, archbishop?

Aye, go on.

Then we'll have to get our skates on
or Harry will wonder where we are.

What time's he due in court?

Dozy sod.

Oh, I knew they'd be late.

I said they should've
driven over last night

so there wouldn't be a panic.

Yeah, well, I'm here now, so come on.

I could've rung our Yvonne,
but she'd not have come.

She'd have said, "Call a taxi,"
which is all very well and good,

but it's moral support
you want as much as anything.

'Course it is.

And she won't want the humiliation.

Oh, Harry, you made a mistake.

It was a mistake!
Anyone could've done it.

That were the first thing
the lockkeeper said.

What time you meeting
your solicitor?

Oh...

That over-priced pillock. Ten to.

Eh, how did you get on last night?

Didn't you have a date?

Oh, yeah. Er...

Turns out he's not my sort.

I thought you liked all sorts.

No.

Not always.

Harry. Did you...

You and me dad...

did you ever know a Mary Kershaw,

from up Siddal?

I don't think I ever knew
anyone from up Siddal. Why?

Ey up.

Where've you been?

You've got a phone call
with Alec Bracewell

from the Independent Schools
Association in ten minutes.

They're after you delivering
the keynote lecture

at the conference in March.

You're seeing Cressida Wade's
parents at 9:45,

your HODs meeting is at break,

then you've got the architects
in again at 11 o'clock.

And then you've got the year reps.

Oh, and then first thing after lunch,

you're teaching!

Good God, am I?

Oh, and your step-sister
rang on your mobile.

Gillian?

She said she's sorry to be ringing
you when you're working,

but can you ring her back, ASAP?

It's important.

I told you I'd never get in
the back of that bloody thing!

I don't know why
they bother pretending

sports cars have a back seat.

It's nobbut a shelf
for your shopping.

So you're going to be all right
without this for an hour or two?

Yeah, like I say,
I've a ewe to take to the vet.

So long as you don't mind me
wedging her in the passenger seat?

Celia?

Yeah, you could probably get
two more on the back seat,

back shelf, as well.

Yeah, I'll lay a bit of straw down
and then it won't make so much mess.

Yeah! Yeah, you're both so funny.

Right, you just remember to
mind your Ps and Qs, Harry!

Be polite to the judge.

PHONE RINGS

(Oh, shit.)

Caroline!
PHONE: Gillian.

Oh, is it Caroline?
Can I ring you back?

In, like, ten minutes.

Beverley said you said
it's important.

It is. It is.

Can you just give us ten minutes?

Well, ring me back when you're
ready. I'm in my office.

OK, I will! Tata.

Good luck! Break a leg!

Dozy sod.

So, that's it.

I left the restaurant. I walked out.

Thing is, though, if I don't broach
the subject with my dad, he will.

And then what?

Well, look,
either he is or he isn't.

And if he isn't,
he'll just laugh, surely.

And if he is, well...

it's not going to come as
a surprise to him, is it?

He knows whether or not
he had a fling.

Yeah, but he just wouldn't.

Oh, when my mum told me about
my dad being a bit of a one,

I couldn't take it in.

"My dad?! Not my dad. My dad
wouldn't do something like that."

But he had. He did.

And more than once.

Did he...

What?

..have other kids, another family?

Oh, no, no, nothing...

Well, not that I know of.

Well, you wouldn't necessarily,
would you?

There was this...

thing...

last night when we were talking.

What thing?

What was your mother's name?

Before she married your dad?

Kershaw. Mary Kershaw.

What was she like?

Oh, well, she had
a great sense of humour.

No, I mean, what did she look like?

Oh, yeah, no. Well, she was
quite attractive. I've got a...

Have you got a photo? Yeah.

When I was little, we had a bureau
at the top of the stairs.

And I used to entertain
myself for hours...

..going through all the little
drawers and tiny cupboards.

There was all sorts.

And I remember this little tin box.

It was red and it had a lock on it,
but it never worked.

And on the lid, in gold letters,
it said...

"Tall oaks from little acorns grow."

And inside there was foreign coins,

paper clips....

And there was this photo,

a little photo, a passport photo,

black and white...

..of this woman.

And I had no idea who she was,
it wasn't anyone I'd ever seen.

And on the back...

..it said "Mary".

And...

did she look like...?

Oh, I don't know, it's hard to know.

It's so long since, but...

..as far as I can recall...

I dunno, there might
have been a resemblance.

Could you ask him about the photo,
see what he says?

See if he reacts?

Yeah.

I could.

But...

Are you all right?

He wouldn't do that to my mum.

No, no. God, no.

So I was thinking, er...

So the thing is,
I was thinking...

Maybe you could...

..talk to Celia...

..and she could tell him.

You know, it'd be better
coming from her.

I'm terrified about his heart
condition, Caroline.

I don't want this thing hitting him
from out of the blue.

Yeah, but surely...

if it is true,

it's going to affect my mum
really badly, too.

Your mum?

Oh, it destroyed her when she found
out about my dad sleeping around.

I mean, it killed her,
it changed her.

Yeah, but...

even if it is him, which is stupid...

It isn't like he's
been unfaithful to her.

Well, no, no, but, you know...

If he's been unfaithful, full stop,

it'd put him in the same category
as my dad in her book, wouldn't it?

Would it?

Well, yeah, I think, surely,
it's got to come from you...

if you don't want this fella
talking to Alan himself.

Yeah, but...

Look, if he's a troublemaker
and it's all nonsense,

your dad'll just say so, won't he?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What am I going to do?

I don't think you've
much alternative.

Well, on the plus side,

once you've sold your house
and paid off your fines,

you'd have quite a lot of money
left over to rent somewhere with.

Or you could buy
another narrow boat.

I'm not going near
that canal ever again.

How did it happen?

It's easily done.

Back of stern got caught
on cill in lock.

You see, already it's double Dutch.

Basically, he got back of his boat

hooked onto the
top of the lock gate,

so when all the water
drained out of the lock,

the stern stayed up
stuck to the gate

and the bow sank down into the mud
at the bottom of the lock.

I could've been killed.

Well, you shouldn't have
been kaylied.

It's easily done.
You don't have to be kaylied.

So, OK, so the bad news is that they
couldn't fit us in at half term.

They're fully booked,
jam-packed, wall-to-wall.

But bizarrely, amazingly,
as luck would have it,

they've had a cancellation
two weeks on Saturday.

11:30.

What's this for?

Oh.

Well...

..we've decided
we're going to get married.

It'll only be a small do,
there's no need to panic.

I was just going to ask
you and Will, Mum and Alan

and perhaps Auntie Muriel
and a few people from work.

Right.

We thought, before the baby's born,
we ought to...you know.

You can ask Angus, if you like.

He's probably busy.

Well, ask him.

You hadn't told him. Sorry.

Is it too soon,
a fortnight on Saturday?

No, no.

No.

The sooner, the better,
as far as I'm concerned.

How's the nursery?

PHONE RINGS

Oh, here we go.

John. Caroline?

Speaking.

I just... I wondered, er...

Are you all right?

Yeah.

No.

Judith's, er, she's...

She's lost the baby.

We've been in hospital all day.

But she's over 30...

What's the matter?

JOHN: Yes, it's...

(Judith's lost the baby.)

How?

It's been awful.

She had to give birth.

Oh, good Lord.

They said it was the only way,
with it being 30 weeks.

Apparently that's...
that's what you do, so...

(She had to give birth.)

JOHN: So it's been pretty drawn out.

And distressing
in one way and another.

I couldn't pop round, could I?

(Can he pop round?)

'Course.

Yes, of course you can.

I never even wanted it.

No.

But I didn't want this either.

I wouldn't wish this on anyone,
it's been...

Just sad, actually. Just...

..so sad.

This little person who should've...

run around and grazed her knees

and grown up and lived
to a ripe old age and...

breathed the air
long after we were gone.

And she won't.

She didn't even get to start.

She just gets nothing...

..forever.

Was it...

..definitely a she?

Yes. Yes, a little girl.

Life's so precious...

..and we just take it
for granted, don't we?

Squander it.

He's in shock. You're in shock.

Yeah.

SHE MOUTHS

That's not fair.
He'd invalidated his insurance.

He's 75. He were drunk!

You can't make a man his age
sell his house!

And how else is he going to
pay all his costs?

BABY STARTS TO CRY

Have you told Mum? No.

How long do they give you to pay it?

28 days.

You can't. They can't expect you
to sell your house in 28 days!

How else is he going to
raise that kind of money?

She needs a bottle.

Come on, then. Tuppence.

Right! Well, I'll go
find our Gillian,

find out what it was
she wanted to talk to me about.

Do you want me to come with you?

No, no, you stay...

where it's warm.

I'm going to get changed.

All right, love.

Hey, what's up?

Breeched.

I'll sort her out.

What did you want
to talk to me about?

Oh, OK.

Well...

It's a bit delicate.

Do you remember, when I was little,
in the house up Barkisland...

there was the bureau
at the top of the stairs?

Oh. And in it,
there was all...stuff.

And do you remember
a little tin box,

with a red cover,
in the shape of a book?

"Tall oaks from little acorns grow."

And in it, there was
a photo of a woman.

And on the back,

it said "Mary."

Did it?

Yeah.

Yeah, it did.

Did you ever know a woman
called Mary Kershaw?

No.

No. No, I don't think so.

I don't want to upset you.

Well, you haven't told me owt yet.

OK. So...

OK, so...

..as mum always used to
always say to me...

"I won't be cross,
if you just tell me the truth."

Did you ever have
a fling with someone...

..after you married me mum?

No!

Course I didn't!

Don't be so silly. Right.

Why would you think that?

So who was this Mary?

I've no idea. Mary in the tin.
I've got no idea.

Have you still got that tin?
You know the tin I mean?

I threw a lot of stuff out
when I moved in here.

Yes, yes, I know the tin you mean.

It were a savings box
from the Post Office.

(OK.)

You know yesterday,
my date with Gary?

Gary Jackson.

Well, it turns out it wasn't me
he was interested in...

..it was you.

He thinks...

He thinks you had a fling...

with his mother, Mary Kershaw...

..and that you're his dad.

Look, if it isn't true,
it doesn't matter!

I told him it'd be rubbish.

It's just, I promised him...

I'd ask you, because...

Because he was a nice man,
actually, and...

..if I didn't ask you,
I was worried he would.

Neither of us wanted
to upset you, with your heart.

What does he want?

Nothing. Just...

Just to know, I suppose.

Right, well,

he needs to know he's got hold
of wrong end of t'stick.

He asked if you'd do a blood test.
No, I damn well won't.

Right. Good. OK.
Well, I'll tell him that.

Cheeky beggar.

OK.

Well, is that it, then?

Can I go? Sure.

Are you all right?

I did love your mum.

I know.

I know that.

I didn't...

I didn't know there'd been a child.

Wow.

It's shameful, a fella in his 70s
being ordered

by some over-privileged,
toffee-nosed twat of a judge

to sell his house.

He could've killed someone.

Yeah, but he didn't.

He was enjoying his retirement!
He had a mishap.

Which would all have been fine
had he not been over the limit.

Who is it that he actually
owes the money to?

Who is it that's taken him
to court? The council?

No! It's erm... Who is it?

Waterways and Rivers Authority.
Yeah, them.

Evil bastards.

Your mum never knew.

It finished before
it even started, really.

It were...ridiculous.

An embarrassment.

It should never have happened.

How do you know she didn't know?

She didn't.

I'll have to take your word for it.

What does he want?

Nothing.

I think he just wanted to know...

for a fact, if it was true.

What does he look like?

You, actually.

Taller.

He's very dapper.

He's very charming.

What does he do for a living?
I've got no idea.

He married? I don't know. Kids?

Yes, three - Tim, Toots and Teeny(!)

I've got no idea.

There's no need to be snippy.

Oh, really?

I don't think we should
tell Celia about this.

What good would it do?

Or is it a mistake
not telling Celia?

I don't know. I don't like
having secrets from Celia.

No. No, after all, it...

It's not like it's her
you've been unfaithful to, is it?

No, just me mum.

And me.

On the other hand,

as Caroline pointed out, being
unfaithful full stop in Celia's mind

could put you in the
same category, the same...

doghouse, as Kenneth.

What the hell does
Caroline know about it?

I mentioned it...on the phone.

I didn't know how to tell you,

so I thought if I told Caroline
she could tell Celia,

and then Celia could tell you.

But then Caroline pointed out
that that might not...

..be a great idea.

Fancy telling Caroline!

Eh, don't you get...
shirty-bertie with me.

So...

what do you think?

About meeting him?

I'd need to think about it.

OK.

Have you taken your pills?

Yeah.

She wants to go buying
another hat in the morning,

Celia does.

Caroline and Kate are getting wed.

Did she tell you? No.

I think you've got to
bite the bullet.

I have.

I've rung t'estate agent,
that one down Ripponden.

She's popping up this aft.

I'm very good at selling houses.

I've sold four, and we always
got the asking price.

What you need, Harry,

is a good tidy up
and a lick of paint.

I have tidied up.

When? Recently?

Yeah, just before you came.

OK.

I think what somebody'd be buying

with a house like this

is personality.

I think... I'm only
giving you an opinion.

No, go on.

I think your definition of tidied up
and somebody else's might differ.

Well, yeah, obviously.

But anybody with an ounce of wit
could see it's got potential.

And you couldn't
put a price on t'view

out of that velux window
in the attic. No, no.

I think that's your
big selling point.

It's a blank canvas.

Have you thought where you
might move to if it did sell?

I'd not move in with our Yvonne.

No. No.

Even if she asked me -
which she wouldn't.

I've got an appointment
with local housing.

I rang them this morning.

Nice girl.

But obviously
there's a waiting list.

Right!

Shall we make tracks, Mr Buttershaw?

I don't suppose
I could move in at farm?

No, you couldn't. There's not room.

Aye, but you and Celia have got
your little pad in Harrogate,

happen I could doss in your room.

Don't be so bloody daft.

IN AMERICAN ACCENT:
You don't have to come, man.

IN AMERICAN ACCENT:
I don't mind coming, dude.

It'll be, like, boring, dude.

So what? Saturdays are, like,
boring anyway.

They'd better not read out,
like, any poems.

Why not?

Cos that will be
truly embarrassing.

Sorry, mate.

Oh, yeah. Cos poems
are, like, truly...

Poems, no. Not poems as such,
but poems that a lesbeano...

NORMAL ACCENT: What? What's that?

NORMAL ACCENT: It's nothing.

What is it? Nothing!

It's not worth it.
It's not worth it!

Who was it?

No-one. Who was it?

No-one. Who was it?

Seb Dixon.

Could you phone Sebastian Dixon's
parents for me

and explain to them that he's been
involved in a homophobic incident?

Do you have to...?

And that I'd like to see them
at their earliest convenience?

Yes, I do have to.

Are you coming a fortnight on
Saturday, Angus, to the wedding?

Has Lawrence invited you?

Yep. Thank you.

Nobody is going to bully
or humiliate or ridicule me...

It's not just about...! ..or anyone.

ANYONE...

..in this school.

Dark horse, isn't he, your dad?

Yup.

You all right?

I ought to be really...cross
with him.

I am really...cross with him.

My mum.

It's my mum and he's...

And she never knew...he says.

But how can I be cross with him,
with his heart?

I can't say, "You..."

"..shag bandit."

And all the stuff
he's called ME over t'years!

Was it just that once?

He says.

Do you think there were others?

I've not asked. I don't want to know.

I can't imagine there were.

But Caroline says she couldn't
imagine her dad...

How did it happen?

How does a fella like your dad

end up getting into bed
with somebody else?

I don't, I've not...

I'm not going there.

Maybe it was an
in-the-back-of-a-car,
knee-tremble-type job.

Shh!

So does Celia know?

No. Shit, no. Not yet.

Is he going to tell her?

I don't know.

So what's he after,

this Gary?

Nothing.

Money?

No. Compensation?

No. He doesn't seem short of money.

Yeah, well, don't you be fooled.

Caroline and Kate
are getting married.

Are they?

Are they?

Apparently.

You going?

Just the toffs been invited,
by the sound of things.

HE SIGHS

How's Cheryl?

Ohh...

she wants a new kitchen.

Oh, damn.

Do you think this colour's
too rich? Too vivid?

Should I have gone for
something more pastelly?

I've no idea.

Well, I'm asking for an opinion.

I think it looks very nice.

What's up? Nothing.

You've been quiet all day.

Why were you so snippy with Harry?

Sorry.

I love you.

I love you.

Do you remember when
you came out of hospital?

You said you'd decided
it was time to give life

a real kick up the trousers?

Yeah.

Kenneth's sister lives in Australia.

Deborah. Debbie. We always got on.

You see.

What?

There's stuff about each other
we still don't know.

Toowoomba.
It's just left of Brisbane.

Her husband got a post
with the university.

Education. He taught people
how to be teachers.

Course, he's retired now.
Has been for 20 years.

Do you keep in touch?

An e-mail at Christmas.

I told her about us.

She was really happy for us.

We've got all this money

that we reckon to be spending
on buying a house.

But the alternative -

and I never thought
I'd hear myself say this,

cos all my life I've been a saver -

is that we spend it
doing something daft.

Something memorable.

Do you fancy getting away?

A holiday.

A big trip.

We could go and see Ted
and all their lot.

Yes.

Yes, I would.

GARY CLEARS HIS THROAT

I got your text.

Hi.

Hi.

Erm...

I've got a break in, like,
a half an hour or so...

if you fancy a coffee.

OK.

But the basic, erm...

..gist is that it's...

It's true.

He's your dad.

He's your father.

My father is...

Blimey.

Shocked. Upset.

Really?

Well, it's tricky
for him, with Celia.

Her first husband
was a bit of a one,

so it wasn't a very happy marriage.

Whereas, you see, she thinks me dad,

in comparison, is squeaky-clean.

Ah.

So. Did he... Did he show
any interest in wanting to meet me?

He asked what you looked like.

I don't want to cause
any problems. No.

But I would like to
meet him, if... If he...

I don't know.

Do you think he'd want to meet me?

I think he's worried about
what it is you'd want.

I don't want anything.

He's not loaded.

It's not about money.

No, I didn't think it was.

I think maybe it's more
he's worried about what you expect.

He's just...

a very ordinary little fella.

Does he not want to meet me?

He didn't... He didn't say that.

I just want to say hello,
really, I suppose,

now that we know for a fact.

I think that's all I want.

Maybe that's not enough of a reason,
if he doesn't want to.

I've never had a brother.

I've never had a sister.

You all right? Yeah.

Where's Celia? Bathroom.

I saw Gary, this aft.

I told him.

He'd like to meet you.

He asked me if you would.

I'm not... I told you,
I'm not sure.

I'd need to think about it.

Why? Just...

He's a nice man.

Morning.

What time are Seb's parents
coming in? Half past nine.

What you going to say to them?
Nothing. I'm not dealing with it.

Mr Harrison is. Why?

Because it's the most appropriate
way of dealing with it.

What if Seb's parents
decide to kick up a fuss,

about you being...?

Oh, they'd be very
misguided and stupid

to try anything like that.

I'm a good head teacher,

my private life has got nothing
to do with the quality of my work.

Well, you know,
they gave birth to Seb,

they probably are very stupid.

He chose to raise the issue
by putting that note on your back.

If he or his family

are going to try and use it as a
stick to beat either you or me with,

in the misguided belief
that I'll take it lying down,

they're mistaken.

PHONE RINGS

Hi.

Hi, how are things?

Erm...fine.

I've not heard from my mother
for a few days

and I just wondered if
there'd been any developments

with this...Gary business...

situation?

Oh, yeah. Erm, yeah.

I should've rung you. Sorry.

Definitely? Apparently.

Well, he definitely had a fling with
this woman, and the dates fit, so...

Yeah. God, you never
can tell, can you?

My mother still doesn't know. Ooh.

He's going to meet him. Apparently.
Alan's going to meet this Gary.

Gillian's fixed them up
with a date in some tea shop
in Halifax next week.

She's going to take my mother
out shopping for a new outfit
for our wedding.

So it's all going on behind her
back. She thinks her and Gillian

are having a girlie day out
when, in fact,

it's just a ruse
to get her out of the way.

That's more or less
how she said it -

"Like I'd choose "to spend a day
with your mother."

I thought, "Don't you damn well
talk about my mother like that".
She didn't say that. The subtext.

You didn't...say anything?

Well, yes, in fact, I did.

OK, well, Gillian, I'm sorry,

and I understand
it's a difficult situation

and I really don't want to make it
any worse than it is, but he -

well, someone - is going to have to
tell my mother at some point,

and if none of you do, I will.

Because my dad
deceived her for years,

and I am not - NOT -
having that happen again. Ever.

SHE MOUTHS

The thing is, Caroline,

nobody wants to deceive anybody.

I just, I think if
he meets him...first

and gets that out of the way,
sort of thing. Yeah?

Yeah.

OK.

Right.

OK. Thank you.

Congratulations, by the way...

Oh! Yeah. Thank you.

..on being a lesbian.

Are you busy?
A fortnight on Saturday?

Oh, erm...

You and Raff, Ellie and the baby.

11:30 at the Register Office
in Harrogate.

Well, we... We...

It's not going to be a big do,
it's not... Don't feel obliged.

It's just us and one or two
of my friends from Oxford

and a few of
Kate's friends from UEA

and one or two senior members
of staff, it's not...

You know, you don't have to,
you know, feel obliged. Erm...

Sorry, it's...

Yeah, sorry.
Damn, sorry, we're, erm...

Well, I know it's short notice.

Sadly, yeah.

We're, erm, yeah, busy.

Otherwise, YEAH, we'd have
loved to have...yeah...

been there.

OK.

Hmmm. So.

He wasn't unfaithful to HER,
though, was he?

I don't think it matters.

She'll be gutted.

She'll be devastated.

But I DO know she'd never forgive me
if she knew that I'd known

and not said anything.

I don't know why you
won't come with us!

Oh, I don't want to go
trailing round clothes shops.

Hey, hey, hey! Don't spend up.

Ta-ta!

Bye.

Gary?

Alan. Hello.

Kate's my wife's girlfriend.

Why did you let him go with you?

She never told me, I had NO idea.

So what did he say,
what does he want?

He asked me if we'd like to go
and have a meal, at his house.

Oh, my God.

There was an incident at work
involving Cheryl.

I've heard the news. Which news?

So you lost your job.

In just over three hours' time,

we'll be shackled
to each other forever.

What the hell were you doing
telling Caroline for?

He hasn't told her!

I know there's
something bothering you,

I wish you'd let on what it is.