All language subtitles for El Milagro de P. TintoiP.XviD-KG.EN

This is a place full of history,
history

lost in the murk of
the unconscious mind

which confuses fear
with freedom,

history that darkens a
soul's peace

and converges in the
desesperate desire

of the caged bird yearning
to be free.

GROSNIK INSANE ASYLUM

THE KEY

Stories of dreams held
behind bars

and of men who've become
their own jailor.

Stories which speak, also,
of the key

in all of uswhich lets us open

the prison door and fly free.

I assure you

in the 20 years
I've been here

I've heard some strange cases

but yours, frankly,

is the most intriguing
by far.

Wouldn't you agree, Mr...

Loser!

Mr.

Loser.

Loser.

What you told me
when you got here is

hard to believe.

It's hard even for me to believe.

You were admitted

with multiple neuroses

a paranoid schizophrenic with
a persecution complex.

And my voice was hoarse to boot

there was a draft.

Yes, well...

from day on you made friends
with the worst case here.

Excuse me,

but Joselito

is a decent guy,
he's the only one

who's kept me company.

Brains of a flea and
the strength of an ox,

he isn't fit to be with anyone.

Joselito and I are

leaving when we pass
the test.

Look, you little shit!

I don't give a rat's ass
if you stay or not.

You're not crazy,

just stupid.

I made it easy for you

to pass the test
and be released.

FINAL EXAM

But Joselito stays, got it?

And do you know why?

Because the little orphan
makes

the best pepperoni pizza
I've ever had, by far

and I won't be left

without a cook.

Joselito!

Good evening,
don't get up.

On such a big occasion

that's all you can say?

Yes, good evening,
don't get up.

Good, well, sit down

and on to the test.

You must be eager to leave.

PI=3.14

MARTIANS HAVE LANDED

"This is Spain?"

We'll go to Spain another time.

Perfectly executed...

let's round this out.

Some of us go

and some of us stay behind.

Sometimes you have to
dive deep

into the mind

and rummage through

the deepest

thoughts,

and if you truly search

inside

you will find THE KEY.

But there isn't only one key

that unlocks each man's

door to freedom,

others exist.

There are keys which
free our spirits,

as well as those of others.

Keys which won't
open every door

but will open

a few windows.

ESCAPE IN PROGRESS

At the Grossnik

maximum security hospital
for the criminally insane

there's one less bird.

Pardon me.

But the cage

remains shut, because
between these walls

every mind
has its own story

and every story

holds its own key.

There can be no greater joy
for a father

than to have raised
his son well,

to be a good citizen.

So many happy moments we
had watching him grow.

It seems only yesterday
he arrived

and yet the time had come
to say goodbye

and watch the boy
poor Olivia and I had dedicated

our lives to

leave the nest.

P. TINTO'S MIRACLE

As I watched him go
I remembered

how long ago
I'd dreamed

of having a family
of my own.

P. TINTO'S FAMILY

Now, let's concentrate

and we'll eventually
understand.

Is The Supreme Being
God the Father?

Mr. Ulecia?

Yes, God is the Father.

And is the Only Begotten Son
also God?

Mr. Torres de Castro!

Yea, yea, the Son is God.

And the Holy Spirit, Mr. G�mez?

Yes, Father Martian.

The Holy Paradigmatic Spirit
is also God.

Very good.

So, if God is the Father

and God is the Son

and God is also the Holy Spirit,

how many Gods are there
in Heaven?

Mr. P. Tinto?

Three!

Two?

One?

None!

Please!

And it was at that moment
in my youth,

that I met just
the woman I needed.

Hello.

Just what I'm
looking for.

I don't know if
this will be enough,

but it's exactly what
I need.

No woman had ever looked
at me like that before.

Who else could be the mother
of my children?

The Holy Spirit!

Meeting Olivia was like the
dawning of a new day.

It's for you.
Being an Aquarius,

I figured you'd
like frogs.

I love frogs.

And being mature people,

we began preparing ourselves
for the future.

YOUR CHILD = YOUR FRIEND

Show them affection,
pat them

preferably on the head

always back to front,
never the reverse.

Lead them by the hand,
which is at the end of the arm.

TANTRUM = SMACK

I don't want it!

I don't want it!

I don't want it!

Oh yes you do!

Finger on the right,

none on the left.
Now tap gently and

Voil�!

It appears on the left!

Repeat indefinitely.

Look! There goes another one!

Any experience was welcome

and the advice we got
we took to heart.

But when we really saw
the light of day

it was by accident
one summer afternoon

at a gas station.

What I wouldn't do to
have eight kids

lend a hand.

Tell me...

What's your secret?

No secret, just the old tra-la-lee!

It's the only way!

Tra-la-lee!
Tra-la-lee!

Olivia and I kept our
newfound knowledge to ourselves.

But she felt thanks
were in order

for such a
valuable tip.

Do you ask St. Nicholas for
a lot of Miracles?

Whatever I can,
the way I see it

the best thing about miracles
is you get them for free.

Go on, you try.

Speak from the heart,
St. Nicholas will hear you.

If you want it, with all your might

and it benefits all of
humanity,

he'll make it
come true.

My dear children

yesterday a miracle
occurred.

Father Martian,
your beloved tutor,

was struck by a bolt
of lightening

from heaven.

No! No! That's not
the miracle!

The miracle is that
Father Martian

was on an Orbea bike
made right here in Spain

it grounded him

saving his life...

but not his bangs,

which are lost
forever.

Until he recovers
I'll be the substitute.

Unlike Father Martian's bangs
my love for Olivia

continued to grow

over the next 15 years.

Tell me, P. Tinto,

is it true what they say
that the sun's red

and round like
a ball?

I was happy

but my doubts about
Olivia's eyesight kept growing.

That walking stick
she used...

Those books with
bumpy pages...

The way she manhandled
the mailbox...

I don't know. I felt confused.
I needed proof.

If you see something coming,

- get out of the way. Ready?
- Yes, but... what are we doing?

Be patient!

What fun!

Holy Splattered Helen Keller!

Only one person
in the world

could offer me advice
at such a crucial moment.

My father,
the real P. Tinto.

Son, life's a chain
and we're the links.

Your grandfather was a P. Tinto,
I'm a P. Tinto,

you are a P. Tinto.

Your duty is to bring

a P. Tinto into
the world

so that one day

he'll run this
company with a firm hand.

- How's production, Crispin?
- The usual.

Good but lots of work.

A son is what gives

life meaning...

that, and our

contract with the Vatican
to make wafers,

and the family limousine
you'll inherit

when I'm gone.

My son,
always remember...

For generations,

a P. Tinto has had 3
distinguishing characteristics

that are evident
wherever he goes.

A P. Tinto
always keeps his head high.

Always optimistic.

A P. Tinto's presence
is always felt

he dresses casual,

but with flair.

And above all, a P. Tinto
never runs out of energy.

And don't forget
a P. Tinto likes

his sugar with
a hint of coffee.

But Father

it seems like

she's blind!

Look here,

do you love her?

I hadn't seen Father Martian since
the bolt struck him.

His bangs were gone
but he was unchanged.

As your witness

and given that you've
come before God,

the Son, and the
Holy Spirit,

that is to say
before The One True God...

Can we please

pay attention!

O.K! That's it!

I pronounce you
Man and Wife.

Now, get to work on having children
and beat it.

Go on!

Olivia was mine, now
all we needed was to find

a centrally located house
and make it our home.

What did I tell you?

Isn't she a beauty?

What with that contract

with the Vatican, selling buns...

this is an upscale place.

Wafers, they're
communion wafers

and it's a modest contract, any day
they could send us the RED LETTER.

What are you talking about...
A RED LETTER?

You and yours

will be

sitting pretty.

Look what a view!
Lots of light...

Isn't it a bit
out of the way?

Out of the way?
From where?

In ten minutes you're over
there, or over there,

- or there.
- Come on!

No, you come on!
Damned RED LETTER!

Look, Mr. RED LETTER

the Northern Supersonic Express
comes through here.

Really!
How often?

I don't have
the schedule

on me right now
but, approximately

every 25 years.

I said approximately.

Hey!

What a coincidence!

DEPOT

SPECIAL DELIVERY

Public transportation
brings life to an area.

Doesn't it stop?

What for? It only comes
once every 25 years.

It's hard to put
into words

how eagerly we prepared
for a little P. Tinto.

Olivia took control
of the house

showing the virtue
she'd always displayed,

thriftiness.

Having read somewhere about the
possibility of twins,

I wanted to be prepared

for anything.

We wanted children
more than anything,

so we applied ourselves.

Night after night,

day after day,

at the office

in our tree house

even at the funeral

of my father, the
real P. Tinto.

Gone is the man who
was never mislead

from piety even when

he rolled in the dough.

But the stork never came.

TO YS

We fell into despair,

and a knot formed in
Olivia's stomach

which didn't go away
until the Eurovision Music Awards,

but that was just before she died.

Then, one night, as tragic
proof of our failure,

the Northern Supersonic Express
wentby

right on schedule.

Even so,

it was quite a night!

- This U.F.O. is a piece of crap!
- Take it easy.

Where are we, Lieutenant?

The Moon, Big Dipper,
Ganymede...

Must be that
blue planet

we could see out my window.

I've heard about
this place.

The food is supposed to be good.

Should we try land?

Land?

You can have all you want.

I remember

that day clearly.

It began with great news.

WAR BREAKS OUT

The storks are here!

Olivia! Olivia!

Olivia!

The children!

Give us a break!
We're not

P. Tintos!

Maybe with my last name?

Prieto?

- Are you Prietos?
- No, I tell you!

Look here...

my parents.

Look at it!

It is a good shot.

- Is it recent?
- No way!

It's at least 40 years old.

We don't age,
you know.

But we're

good guys. Our planet's
small, see,

and the food really
isn't very good.

It just isn't.

So I said
let's take the UFO,

- let's go for a spin.
- But the UFO's

a lemon,

lousy mileage.

It all happened
so fast!

Seeing you both in your
cradles, asleep,

like we'd
always imagined...

We've waited 25 years.

to have
children.

And I saw
a likeness...

- Yuck! Don't slurp your milk!
- He's a little odd.

I don't mind staying
until you find something

more permanent.

What a cool invention,
this mattress thing is!

And what about the
pillow for your head?

Smart, eh?

This here's
a real planet!

I was glad my father
didn't see my failure.

Still, I mustered
my strength

and rallied Olivia

for one last round
of the old tra-la-lee,

asking myself

where we'd gone wrong.

On we went.

Night after night,

day after day,

in the office,

on weekends,

even on the anniversary
of my father's death.

Here lies a man
who left behind...

... a host of dunces.

We must have really
offended

St. Nicholas to
deserve this.

Soda! Another totally
cool invention!

This planet's a
gas!

- A gas!
- You're telling me!

Everything is so modern

and so well
thought out.

Grandpa eskimo
Grandma eskimo

Papa eskimo
Mama eskimo.

What's with the
black guy?

We'd be nuts

to go home.

What?

Good hand?

Well...

Anyway...

Grandpa
Grandma

Papa
Mama

and kid
Eskimo flush!

Hold on...

Chinaman
Chinawoman

China kid
Black guy

Black kid
Full house!

Pull up stakes.

The old lady's got the grub ready.

Just yesterday they
were in their cribs

and now

here we are

25 years later...

25 years?

Kids,
Get away from there!

- What's the matter with the old man?
- Come on!

Hurry!

Don't tell me.
The train's coming.

It's the Mothership!

TALKING NEWSREEL

CURRENT EVENTS

Each year
the Pelaez's

celebrate
Mother's Day

in the company of
their 16 children

who fill their home
with love and joy.

Here we see

them exchanging
gifts

that each child
has painstakingly

labored to make.

Later the family

gathers in their
modern living room,

anxiously awaiting
the performance of

the budding star of the family.

Dearest mother, in my
heart I carry a flower

you give my life meaning
and I honor you

with all my heart.

Because you'rrrrrrrrrrrrrre...

the apple of my eye.

Hello to the children
of Spain.

What a kissass!

INT'L NEWS

Motumbu
Central Africa

Scores of children have
voluntarily left to seek

a better life free from
hunger and pain

in more
civilized areas.

Responding to the

adoption request,

we see the first
lucky boy arriving at the

nation's airport.

There to greet him

is the Pelaez Family,
anxious to begin

the process of
educating him.

The news that hundreds of
children suffered miserably

in Africa
filled our hearts with joy.

Even Olivia regained
some of her old spark.

Stop horsing around!

You have any idea
how what our light bills are?

Thoughtless kids...

How exciting!

I can hardly wait!
Go on...

he listened to you
last time.

St. Nicholas, I haven't asked
for anything in years.

We're getting old and

we shouldn't let this chance go by.

We only want a child
to educate and to love.

Our own
P. Tinto.

We only ask

that this letter
be delivered.

Oh, yes,

and if possible

that he like
frogs.

So we can share
interests.

For the second time
in my life

that piece of wood
heard me.

Don't worry!
This is nothing!

It's a good vehicle,
- 100% made in Spain.

USILLOS REPAIRS

Just a kick in the butt
and we'll be on our way.

Of course!

Here's the problem.
Spanish three-wheel car,

Spanish motor,

Spanish fan,

and they stick in
a German spark plug!

What is it with putting foreign parts
where they don't belong?

I'm sick of

saying the same thing

over and over.

Hey! Where you going?

I see you
sneaking off!

I'll have it fixed
in no time!

What a dummy.

Why do I stop for
these damned foreigners anyway?

Soon, Lord, we'll share
the abundant feast

we eat each day

with the child
who is on his way to us.

Pardon me, ma'am

which is the pea and
which is the meatball?

You see, I'm colorblind.

Hear our prayer and
bring the black child to us

to fill
our home

with joy
and love.

Is a black child edible?

My son,

never forget...

A P. Tinto always
keeps his head high

always optimistic.

He dresses casual,
but with flair,

and above all,
a P. Tinto

never runs out of energy.

Good evening,

don't get up.

Our prayers
had been answered!

Hey, what's going on?

Eat, my little baby,

you'll grow so big.

Up to now, rationing,

the black guy comes,
and it's rancho deluxe!

Calm yourself,

jealousy's normal

the 1st day.

What jealousy?

We're sick of being
treated

like children!
This isn't a bad life

but we're adults for
Chrissakes!

He's not sharing
the potatoes!

Don't make a scene!

Hear me?

Coffee, dear?

You know,
my father

your grandfather

used to have
a hint of coffee

with his sugar.

Frog?

You like frogs?

Do you think he's happy?

He hasn't given me a kiss yet.

He might be a Watusi.

Watusis don't like

celebrations, unlike

the Mandingas, who express

their gratitude

in song.

Wait, maybe he's
Mandinga.

Nice cradle, huh?

"Prefect"...

just the right size.

Hey...

He's not as dumb
as he looks.

Let's get one
thing straight.

Hey you big ape,

off the bed!

Ugua! Aloyuyu!

Just here for the weekend, right?

Tell him about Bartolo

so he gets an idea.

There were three of us...

Three!
Yeah, three!

Listen to what happened

to Bartolo.

The three of us where on the UFO

we see this place

and this wisecraker
here

asks Bartolo to get
some Fritos.

Barbecue flavor,
you know.

Go on.

Bartolo's down there
with that stupid look,

we take off in the spaceship.

And he said...

"You stupid assholes!"

But he must miss us,

or at least his gold Rolex...

So, shove over

fat ass!

You're sleeping

in the dresser.

Let's see, what does
the Master want?

- To have some fun!
- Great, "prefect"!

If you'd please be
so kind as to

tell the lady of the
house to hold all calls.

Fake sleep, buddy

or she'll put you in the tub.

You can't trust her.

Who's first

for the bath?

Pardon me?

Ah, Pancho.

Pancho, Pancho, Panchito

you're so hairy!

Mama's little
hairy bear!

We'll have so much fun!

This little

piggy went to
market...

this little piggy
stayed home

this little piggy
ate roast beef

this little

piggy ate none
and this

little piggy...

Now the soap...

CLOROX BLEACH

What have I done lieutenant?

- What have I done?
- I can't believe you!

Wee wee wee, all the way home!

I'll kill you
you blind old bat!

Don't want to, eh?

Yes you do!
Take that!

Next it'll be
tantrums!

We loved our little lamb
with all our heart769

though he wasn't the
playful black boy we expected.

I figured with time

he would loosen the
knot in Olivia's stomach.

I'm worried about Pancho.
I might need to burp him.

Take him to the
Emergency Room.

No, it's just
first day jitters.

The boys get him
riled up.

I think he just needs

to settle in.

No, what he needs is
some privacy.

In this house?
Where?

The library.

Here we go.

Space for your
books, yes,

but not for your own

flesh and blood!

But it's so small!

Take down a wall.

Repairmen in the house again.

If this keeps up

you'll be
taking us both

to the hospital.

Calm down.
He's in good hands.

The older ones love
having him in their room.

To top it off
he snores!

That angel's a winner.

Lights off, meathead!

We want to sleep!

Did the little rat
enjoy his

week of vacation?

- I'm hungry.
- Hungry? You shouldn't have run away!

I wanted to have

my 1st communion

like the twins.

How could you?
A wafer's not going to fill you up.

All you can

do is climb chimneys.

Give me that
filthy book!

You're driving
me crazy!

You can't even read,
you little bastard.

Bastard!

Bastard!

It's your mommy.

Know what she did?

Ran off

with a loser of a Spanish sailor
and here's the result,

the little rat!

Good thing he died
in the war

squashed like a bug.

Yes! Yes!

Yes, your mommy, too,
the little tart.

Your mommy's

dead!

Your mommy's dead!

Your mommy's dead!

Squashed like a bug!

Gimmie that book!

Your mommy's dead!

Your mommy's dead!

You fell asleep

reading, honey.

Come now, give me
a kiss.

Don't make me
ask.

Let's not wake
your brothers.

They're adopted

but we love
them anyway.

Now it's time to say
'nite nite'

with our hand.

In the morning we say
'morning'.

At night we say
'nighty night'.

You're going to learn
so much.

There now,
go to sleep.

Lights out!

There you have it.
It was the fan belt.

British! What's with this
foreign stuff!

Gibraltar for Spain
and that's that!

Nobody has the guts
to say so.

The hell with fish and chips.

Here we go again,
Italian hose,

Portuguese fan,

Dutch pump,

the only good thing
here, 100% Spanish,

has to be the hood.

SPANISH HOOD

Take it from me.

This wasn't the idea.

But since

you've ok'd the estimate
and it's not too tough a job,

I'll get to work and
it'll be ready by tonight.

But let me tell you

this line of work's o.k.

Pays the bills,
but my real calling,

what I really want
to be, is...

- A UfOlogist?
- You got it.

Flying saucer and

extraterrestial expert.

- For that job you need special tools.
- You got it.

Electric Ruler MYHOME

Watch this.

MYHOME brand.
Made right here in Spain.

You've got the ACME brand.

- Some like it...
- The American one!

Right, but it screws things
up half the time.

See what I mean?

Oh, of course

this is for

martians who rarely grow
more than a meter and a half.

I just told you
it's exactly 2 meters,

perfect for a library!

Quite a place you've got here mister.

What a load of crap!?

WEIGHT AND MEASUREMENT

Bingo!

Here.

Almost.

What the hell do I do now?

What's the length?

- 2 meters.
- Exactly. Give or take a meter.

Here's the Bible. What it says, goes.

Since this is going to be
the baby's room

with a little carpeting,
and the socket there,

- by the night table,
- Hold it!

This is getting complicated!

Lay down

acrylic surface,

put in a socket

where there is none,
where you want it, complete

with 2 holes.

Just what I needed.
With no truck and I've got to

rip out cables, match insulating tape.

But it's easy!

Oh, sure! It looks easy to you!

You go ahead and

lift tiles, see what you find!

Listen, Usillos Repairs

does quality work!
Floors changed? O.K.

Ground wires? We ground them.

But, and I'm

telling you this up front,

if we gotta dig, we dig.

It's to have

pre-transformation picture.

Don't move.

Right-o.

That was the beginning of times
to remember.

Usillos got to work,

the children prospered,

the Mandinga settled in,

and for the first time Olivia and I

contemplated our joyous family.

I felt like the luckiest man alive.

What could go wrong?

RED LETTER

Dear Sir,
I'm sorry

to inform you we will
no longer require

your services. In these tight times

we are under increasing pressure to

return the manufacture of

hosts to the Church.

The Holy Father regrets

cancelling the contract held between

the P. Tinto Host Co. and the Vatican

which has been
so successfully maintained

for 150 years.

This decision, however,
could be reversed

if before the 31st of the month

your company

updates itself to fit into
this modern world.

"Sincerely,

The Vatican Ambassador".

Crispin, we're done for.

And with all the work
we have now.

I think the Pope wants us to bring

in new blood, modernize things.

I see what you're saying but

you already brought in

those Xmas elves, and all they did

was eat leftover dough!

This will be different!

I'm talking about my own son.

Do you know
how long it takes to train

someone to do this job?

I've been here 74 years
and I still don't

know what all the buttons are for!

You do a good job

but with automation

it runs itself.

Automation?

Don't get me started!
Damn automation.

What if it stalls?

Who's going to be here to start it?

This son of yours,
what's his background?

He's young and eager to learn.

Yeah, yeah. What's he studied?

You're not thinking of giving

him a crash course?

You're gonna flip!

He'll shit in his pants!

- Whaddaya think?
- Hey, a moped!

What?

A moped with a sidecar!

It's not a moped, meathead!
It's a flying saucer!

A scooter, but it goes.

- Does it fly?
- Does it fly?

It does stuff that'll make
your head spin!

Come on.

You can travel through time.

What about travelling through time?

Nothing, forget it.

We'll fix it up and
you're going on a trip

to the Middle Ages.

You sonnofabitch!

You can visit your folks.

I'd do anything to kiss my mom.

What a wise guy!

You're a real

card, you are, frog eater.

Game's up! Get that thing out of here

and clean up this mess

before your dad gets home.

Universal Plunger, MYHOME

He's just a big kid.

DRIVER'S MANUAL

Congratulations! You are now

the proud owner
of an aerodynamic coupe de ville.

We hope this vehicle
will accompany you

on your many travels
through time.

I've got a neat little spaceship...

All galvanized steel,

with swivel seats, and four speeds

vroom vroom...

vroom vroom...

A spaceship coupe,

2 door...

modern radio included...

and completely installed

steel brake pads...

vroom vroom...

One way or another,
you end up digging.

MARTIAN INVADERS

You can travel back in time,
revisit the past.

Go where?

It's nothing,

take a trip, see your folks.

... sturdy, gets 10 miles

per gallon.

Pretty cool, eh?

Stereoscopic Plumbing Scope MYHOME.

DANGER! TRUMPETER MARTIAN!

What a specimen!
A trumpeter 2 meters tall!

Come on!

- Bring the tool!
- Which one?

I have a neat little spaceship...

Rustproof...

Leopard seats...

Optional luggage rack...

vroom vroom...

Burnt spark plug.

Typical.

Electronic Data Gatherer Device
MYHOME.

Alien presence detected

in the work site.

Use extreme caution

due to its extraterestial nature

and above all beware, it's foreign.

If this is handled right,

a lot will have to go wrong
to stop Usillos,

and that's me, from entering NASA,

through the VIP door.

I told Bartolo

watch out for the spark plug.

When it's cold use the starter,
it's got reclining seats...

vroom vroom...

vroom vroom...

You can take a little ride,

go back to your folks...

It's got reclining seats

and 4 speeds, vroom vroom...

vroom vroom...

GROSSNIK LO ADING DOCK

"SPANISH" CHEESE

- I have to board now.
- Don't leave me!

Look, sweetie.

This is where I'll be cooking.

Spain, known the world
over for its gallantry,

excellence, and the smashing
taste of its cheeses.

It's your dad's home.
Where dreams come true.

It says so right here.

Don't go!

Spain's a beautiful place.
I'll work hard

and send money
so you can study hard and be smart

like he was.

Your mommy's going away!
Your mommy's going away!

I'll always be with you, Joselito,

even when you can't see me.

Even so,

if ever you feel alone

remember our secret.

Climb high, as high as you can,

near heaven where dreams are kept.

Close your eyes
and make a wish. If your

heart is true, when

you open them,

your wish will come true.

- Give me a kiss, my son.
- No!

Just one kiss...

Joselito!

- Just one kiss...
- No!

Just one kiss...

- I don't love you!
- Your mommy's going away.

Kiss me, my son!

One kiss!

No!

Just a little kiss! Joselito!

I don't love you!

Your mommy's gone!

- Your mommy's gone!
- No!

I can't stand it!

We've got to fix the ship

- so he can split.
- Where will we find a spark plug?

Come on, man!

Brunelleschi.

The architect Brunelleschi
designed the archivolted

arch to

architectonically construct

the cupola of the cathedral
in Florence,

a renaissance

archetype from the year 1425.

I wanted to surprise
the Pope and have the boy

ready before the 31st.

That's how my father
would have done it.

The Vatican had no idea
what we P. Tinto's would do

to keep our name up in lights.

P. TINTO FAMILY

Train A leaves Sebastopol
heading for Barbastro

with an order of wafers.
An hour later,

Train B leaves Barbastro
for Sebastopol

at 300 kms.

an hour

on the same track.

Keeping in mind

they're 500 miles apart...

Typical.

Pack your bags,

big guy, the ship's ready.

But it's really very simple.
What do you mean we don't have to dig!

I'm surrounded by idiots.

You've often heard that
the Romans invented bread,

that the Romans transported water,
the Romans this, the Romans that...

Long live the Romans!

Fine. So you get the idea,

the Romans,

a bunch of crap compared
to the Etruscans!

Take the wine and pour
it freely

over two fat chickens.

One chicken!

There are only 5 of us!

No ma'am. Two chickens.
It says so right here...

Extraterrestrial Detector MYHOME.

MARTIAN BIMBO

Trout, being a cool fish

is usually found in cold waters

particularly in the Alps.

To fish

you need a rod...

Pancho surprised
me many times during the course.

His love of the Etruscans,

his fondness for sports,

his ability to add using hardly
any fingers,

but what really moved me

was his ability to sense
that our home needed love.

OLIVIA I LUV YOU

For Mother's Day.

I'm so proud of you, cuddly bear.

Man, what a bash
to end the school year.

I'm

all choked up.

Me too.

Bet you can't guess who I miss?

Can't imagine. Gimme a hint.

He's short.

Stupid looking?

Yup.

A little light in his loafers?

- Had a gold Rolex?
- Yup.

You stupid assholes!

Bartolo!

Come on, you try.
Think of a character.

- Huh?
- Think of somebody.

and we'll guess.

Mine is sad

and hopeless.

- Usillos!
- You sonnofabitch!

A child alone in the world.

A child whose only
thought is to run away.

To where?

Far away from where
he wasn't loved, pack his stuff,

climb high

as high as a chubby kid

can climb,

to be near heaven

where dreams are kept,

to close his eyes and wish that

- he be taken away.
- And?

Nothing. Noreaster 30 knots with

- occasional gusts.
- And at night?

Partly cloudy

with a chance of rain.

But at daybreak his wish came true.

They came to take him
to his new home.

GROSNIK INSANE ASYLUM

He's crazy. He's crazy.

He's crazy. He's crazy.

He's crazy. He's crazy.

Those bloody twins!

Do you think I could see
my mom with the moped?

Of course you could!
We'll make sure of that!

Those twins have it coming to them!

Off to your drawers, then.

I need an early start tomorrow.

Life on the wild side's better.

Where is that guy?

He didn't even use the choke!

That jerk... let's try her out.

Put it back 4 seconds in time.

Just 4 seconds?

- Just to see if it works.
- O.K., go on.

Believe me,
we'll get him outta our hair.

It'll be fun at the factory,
you'll see.

Crispin knows the ropes.

He's a great guy.

What? No...

Look...

Daddy, Daddy. Cruising with Daddy...

Extraterrestrial Lesson Teacher MYHOME.

That's what the guy needs,

a good lesson!

The whole liter
will blow your mind!

Not even 4 seconds back?

The crank's jammed. What a lemon!

Daddy, Daddy. Cruising with Daddy...

One more time, with feeling.

Regress 4 seconds.

Regressing...

Regressing...

You're such a good driver.

P. TINTO HOST COMPANY

Like I told your father,

this factory's
a one man operation, and I'm it.

You want to see

how things work, well,
I'll show you.

So...

That contraption takes flour,
adds water, some salt

not too much, not too little,
just right.

It goes into the kneader, no lumps.
Then cuts them into circles

round, smooth edges, into the oven

not too hot, take 'em out,
let 'em cool,

and then...

They've got exactly the right crunch.

Don't worry, it's all automatic.

You would have to say that!

What are you up to?

I don't know what
you're doing but you look guilty.

What do you expect?
After 25 years

we're replaced by a newer model.

You're jealous of Panchito?

Why should we be? Because you only
kiss him good night?

Or make him cheesecake?

Or let him drive the car?

Your feet don't even reach the pedals!

What a fucking bitch!

Double host

with cheese.

With cheese, with cheese...

- But it's...
- Crunchy?

No, that was my back. It's killing me.

Pancho was punished for his insolence.

He had to respect other's beliefs

even if he didn't share them.

Go to hell, I'm outta here!

This is it!

Why? Why?

Why

It was a painful time,

a time when a father
must stand his ground.

Why?

I want to give my mommy a kiss!

Let him in, for God's sake!

She asked me to!

Mommy!

Mommy!

Mommy!

I only want to give you
the kiss you asked for!

Why?

Why?

Why? My mommy!

Suffer, you pig.

I had such faith in him.

Give him a chance

to test his ideas.

Mommy!

What ideas?

His.

You're old, maybe Pancho
sees the business

differently.

Differently?

What other way is there
to make hosts?

HOSTS TO GO

HOSTS TO GO

TOP PROFIT

Life was good
before you came along.

Who screwed up the UFO?

You know what?

We're going to look into your idea.

Although Pancho tried hard,

what happened remains
a marketing mystery.

A good hook,
an aggressive ad campaign,

a new approach

to home deliveries,

but sales to the Vatican?

Zip.

BANKRUPT

Things began to go really
badly for the P. Tintos.

What's this I hear about host pizza?

With pepperoni and anchovies,

P. Tinto?

Do you want

another lightening bolt
to strike like before?

Don't you get it?
The Pope says here

bring in a Priest, or that's it.

But it's a family business.

Who's to say there isn't
someone with a calling

right here at home?

The boy?

Of course.

Let me speak to him first.

I have a way with young people.

Well?

Three in one, o.k.

But one's a dove?
I just don't get it.

Godparents, I can

only say this to you

for that piece of meat with eyes
to find his calling

it'll take a miracle.

I already asked St. Nicholas for one.

St. Nicholas delivers.

I just don't get it.

If St. Nicholas promised
you a miracle, you'll get

a miracle.

Will it take long? I've to work to do.

Who do you

think you are?

St. Nicholas is not a trained monkey!

He delivers when he sees fit!

He's not here for 'hey do this,'

'do that'.

No, my son.

The saints

aren't here to serve us,

they're here to surprise us.

Isn't it fair to say

that St. Nicholas's miracles

are a little slow
because before delivering the one

just requested, he has
to finish the ones that come first.

Father Martian
didn't let the matter drop.

He kept looking for a calling.

What do you say, Crispin?
Are you up for it?

I already told you
there's a ton of work right now.

Find yourself

some other sucker.

Carmelite, Carmelite,

Carmelite, Carmelite...

There's no Carmelite listed.

But when the calling is there,
you find it.

And that's how it was.

Oh happy day,

we're going to the house
of the Lord.

Our feet

are at the gate of

Jerusalem.

You can travel back in time.

Don't leave me here!

Give me a kiss!

Travel back in time.

Change the past.

You don't have a spaceship!

You don't have a spaceship!

That flashlight's driving me crazy!

I told you we might have
to dig, didn't I?

The boy's room is taking
longer than we thought.

Ah, the boy...

that's it.

Listen,

I know it's not my business,

but I have to tell it like it is.

That boy's different

from us. Do you

- get my drift?
- I know.

But we still love him.

But, my God, how can you love
a 2 meter tall trumpeter?

It's dangerous!

Yes, we know.

One day when you least expect it...

He'll knock you

to kingdom come.

Leave this to us professionals, eh.

You just keep the dough coming,

I'll keep my eye on the monster.

Look,

here are the floor samples.

- It's not carpeting!
- You got it.

It's linoleum, made here,
- 100% Spanish.

Carpeting pills.

France has lots of carpets,

and the whole country is pilled.

I was thinking

you could also

put in a hook

- for the boy's mirror.
- Jesus! A hook!

That changes everything!

Drill a hole, stick a nail
in so it isn't wobbly,

just so.

New estimate.

Look you don't have
to be Brunelleschi.

Bruno who?

A famous architect.

You went to someone else?

I've half a mind to leave right now!

Have I let myself be led by envy,

greed, pride?

Have I hidden the truth, or,
on the contrary,

have I done justly

by revealing
to Mrs. P. Tinto the fact

that Joselito,
in a moment of confusion,

scarfed down her favorite frog?

How can he love you
if you're always scolding him?

What if he had eaten your books?

You'll never get rid
of that knot this way.

He doesn't deserve his own room.

You were hasty

with the library.

The problem is you treat
him like a child.

Pancho is a grown man.

Why am I working
my fingers to the bone?

They don't appreciate it.

You are very ugly,
but very very ugly...

There's nothing about you
to fall in love with

Panchito, sweetie,

want to see a movie?

It's 'R' rated.

Our who?

- No, 'R'.
- For adults.

Would you like to?

Two what?

To see...

How many C's?

Two! Like the number of frogs

in the jar before

you ate one!

Keep it up and there's

no movie for you.

What's with her?

Try and understand your mother.

It was years of sacrifice

before you came to us.

Believe me, Pancho,
years of doing the old

tra-la-lee...

But Olivia does the old tra-la-lee?

Yes.

Really?

Don't be silly.

Yes.

I'm telling you.

The black kid's fixed
the launch pad

and we're outta here.
Future's looking dim.

Soon they won't have money for soda.

Let's go party somewhere else.

Party?

Don't you understand? If God had

wanted us to have fun

instead of the Ten Commandments
he would have sent the Ten Suggestions.

Man, what have they done to you?

Go in peace. I'm staying put.

You've been abducted!

- Totally abducted!
- Abducted? You fool!

Every house

we go to, they lay out a feast.

I'm staying on earth!

You're on your own.

I'm outta here.

Let some other schmuck do
the linoleum and plug.

The hole's the hardest part anyway,

and that's done.

What the hell...

- 1425.
- 14...

...25?

What is this?

Regressing.

Showing him that movie
was a stupid idea.

Calm down. I switched it.
He didn't notice.

He's watching it with no help!

It's the Eurovision Music Awards!

Do as you please.

But I've got

a knot in my stomach.

Go to him, you'll feel better.

You both need it.

Love is grand, son.

I had a girl in every port,

till I understood the meaning

of true love.

That's why when I saw your mom,

I stuck out my chest,

freshened my breath

and said to myself

tra-la-lee.

Then,

I went for it.

Understand? Like a real man.

Tra-la-lee.

I remember the night

Pancho saw his 1st
Eurovision Music Awards.

The same night
Olivia's stomach knot

disappeared forever.

We remember her as she was.

Loving, hardworking,
generous in her own way.

The past is what gives
our lives meaning.

Our parents, our forebears,

those we love, like Olivia,

feed the flame of the past.

Just when I'd figured her out...

This flame of love
that lights our hearts

with joy,

this marvelous thing, the past.

The past... a piece of crap!

Mr. P. Tinto!

Guess who I saw?
Brunelleschi!

And guess

how he's laying

bricks?

Side to end!

Yes sir!

Hasn't been done in years!

That's why construction's a mess,

because of crooks like him!

- Screw that!
- Baloney!

Who said you could use the moped?

Usillos was right.

I had it coming to me.
Pancho was leaving the nest.

All I want is to give Mom a kiss.

She asked for it before
she was squashed.

It's all been a terrific blow.

I want you to know, my son,

life won't be so easy.

Pancho,

sooner or later you'd find out,

so I want to tell you first.

Pancho, my dear son,

you're black.

It shouldn't embarrass you.

The Cro-Magnons were black,

the Egyptians, Indians,
people of Arabia.

The Celts were black.

They fought, bravely, to be free.

The Assyrians, Persians were black
and kinky haired,

Michael Jackson, the Vikings,
and the Tsars

of Russia too.

- How beautiful!
- There, there...

Magnifying Glasses MYHOME.

He won't believe this!

Through the VIP door!

- I don't deserve it.
- Whaddaya mean, tiger!

The word's out!

So you and Olivia...

- Horny bastard!
- Total animal!

No, I just did what I could.

Don't be so modest!
Spread the word!

Joselito's an animal!

We live with an animal!

What an animal!

USILLOS PRE-TRANSFORMATION

USILLOS WITH FATHER MARTIAN

USILLOS IN FLIGHT

Phone "MY HOME".

Am I at NASA?

YYEESS!

Where are we going?

Is this NASA, pal?

There can be no greater joy
for a father

than to have raised his son well,

to be a fine upstanding citizen.

Goodbye and pardon me.

Go on now.

Just remember...

If a truck is heading your way,

head for the shoulder.

Those guys drive like maniacs.

There now, go on.

Surprise!

- You're up early.
- Chill out, man.

I've done my fair share.

Holy splattered Helen Keller!

That suitcase has seen better days.

Nothing breakable I hope.

Don't leave me here!

You'd go without me?

You'd abandon me, too?

Careful!

My buddy!

What buddy?

Holy shit, Jose Ramon.

Bartolo!

A bag of Fritos, eh?

Hey... my gold Rolex!

You stupid assholes!

You're such a good sport.

Busting your balls is a riot.

You're a real piece of work, you are.

I know, I know.

Why hold a grudge, Jose Ramon?

25 years in the insane asylum
isn't so long.

That's my point.

Whatever happened to the Lieutenant?

You won't believe it.
He joined a cult.

All he thinks about is food.

I'm sorry to hear that.
You mean so much to me.

What happened?

Everybody quiet. Spark plug...

We're in business.

Sons of bitches!

To the past, Joselito!

To give your mom a kiss!

- Give me a kiss!
- No!

- Give me a kiss!
- No!

- A kiss!
- No!

Your mommy's going away!

Your mommy's going away!

Your mommy...

Just a little kiss!

No! I don't love you!

Joselito!

No!

Kiss her, boy!

Come here now, you little rat!

I'm not a rat!

Come here rat,

I'll put you
to work once mommy's gone.

Your mommy's going away!

Your mommy's going away!

Bummer.

What happened?

We're rich!

Don't go to Spain, mom.

Spain? Why go there?

The rice pudding's better here...

The past is changed!

I changed the past!

The news made
the Pope reconsider.

He gave us another chance,

knowing we had a Carmelite
in the factory,

with an eye for business.

CHICKENS WITH CHEESE

We, who'd so wanted a child to teach,

found the best part of all

lay in what he taught us.

Tonight, P. Tinto, tra - la - lee!

That's why I'm up here, eyes shut

high up, where dreams are kept...

To speak from the heart.

To relive

those happy moments...

Momments that only a child

could bring back to me.

Breaking News.

The retarded man found abandoned

claiming to have come
from a flying saucer

and who baffled local authorities

at last has smiled again.

He was taken to the Basilica

and baptized with
the name Albert Mary.

He's shown here with his new parents,
the Pelaez's,

at the entrance of the Church.

Dear brother,

in my heart I carry a flower,
you give my life meaning

and I honor you with all my heart.