All language subtitles for Kick Ass.2010.

Guardian of the universe.

Protecting us against the forces of evil.

The superpowers of this man...

He can catch a bullet,

halt a speeding train.

And leap tall buildings in a single bound.

- Up in the sky...
- Is it a bird?

A mailman by day...

City's guardian by night.

Defending the citizens of New York
from the forces of evil.

The world has been protected
by a group of extraordinary men and women

who have dedicated themselves
to fighting crime.

Mysterious traveler from another dimension.

He has powers far beyond
the capabilities of mere earthlings.

I always wondered
why nobody did it before me.

I mean, all those comic books,
movies, TV shows,

you'd think that one eccentric Ioner
would have made himself a costume.

I mean, is everyday life really so exciting?

Are schools and offices so thrilling

that I'm the only one
who ever fantasized about this?

Come on, be honest with yourself.

At some point in our lives,
we all wanted to be a superhero.

That's not me, by the way.

That's some Armenian guy
with a history of mental health problems.

Who am I? I'm Kick-Ass.

That's me,
back before any of this crazy shit happened.

I guess I was the last person
you'd expect to become a superhero.

I'm not saying
there was anything wrong with me,

but there was nothing special, either.

- Asshole.
- I wasn't into sports.

I wasn't a mathlete or a hardcore gamer.

I didn't have a piercing
or an eating disorder

or 3,000 friends on MySpace.

My only superpower
was being invisible to girls.

And out of my friends, man,
I wasn't even the funny one.

Like most people my age, I just existed.

Good morning, class.

Please open your books to Act 2, Scene 2.

Kick in my bedroom door,
and you'd probably find me watching TV

or talking to my friend Todd on Skype...

- Are you watching Family Guy?
- Nope.

Me, either. Check out nippleslip. Com.
It's good.

...or jerking off,
mostly to my English teacher.

Dave Lizewski.

Don't think I haven't noticed
you looking at my tits, Dave.

I want your hands all over me, Dave.

Please.

Sure, a lot of what got me
through the average school day

was making deposits
in the whack-off warehouse for later.

Though to be honest,

it didn't take much to set me off.

I swear, when my hormones balance out,

shares in Kleenex
are gonna take a dive, man.

Dave Lizewski, shouldn't you be looking
at Hamlet right now?

Yes, Mrs. Zane.

I'm sorry.

But don't get me wrong.
I like girls my own age, too.

Especially Katie Deauxma.

Hey, gorgeous.

Hey.

Oh, no.

You meant Erika. I know. I knew that.

I was just kidding.

Okay, cool.

Oh, my God.

Hey. Look, I'm Todd's mom.

That's funny. This is your dad.

No, that's still my mom, actually.

What the fuck!

I was just a regular guy.

No radioactive spiders, no refugee status
from a doomed alien world.

You know what? Todd said
they do still make Count Chocula.

They just don't sell it at the store anymore.

My mother was killed by an aneurism
in the kitchen...

- Mom?
...as opposed to a gunman in the alley.

So if you were hoping for any,

"I will avenge you, Mother!"

You're out of luck.

In the 18 months since my mother died,

the only epiphany I had
was realizing that life just goes on.

Did they change the bee's face?

No.

How come nobody's ever tried
to be a superhero?

Boy, I don't know.

Probably 'cause it's fucking impossible,
dipshit.

What, putting on a mask and
helping people? How's that impossible?

That's not superhero, though.
How is that super?

Super's like being stronger than everybody
and flying and shit. That's just hero.

No, it's not even hero.
It's just fucking psycho.

Hello? Bruce Wayne?
He didn't have any powers.

Yes, but he had all the expensive shit
that doesn't exist.

I thought you meant, like,
"How come nobody does it in real life?"

Yeah, Todd, that's what I meant.

Dude, if anybody did it in real life,
they'd get their ass kicked.

- They'd be dead in, like, a day.
- A day.

Yeah, okay,
I'm not saying they should do it.

I just can't figure out why nobody does.

Seriously, out of all the millions of people
who love superheroes,

you'd think one would give it a try.

Jesus, guys, does it not bug you?

Why thousands of people
wanna be Paris Hilton

and nobody wants to be Spider-Man?

Yeah, what's with that?
She has, like, no tits at all.

Maybe it's the porn tape.
He doesn't have a porn tape.

You guys never saw
One Night in Spider-Man?

Guess who?

Is it me or do you kind of feel sorry
for Chris D'Amico?

Yeah, it must be terrible
to have a rich dad and everything you want.

I wish you wouldn't have said anything

- 'cause I feel like I'm gonna start crying.
- Right.

The fact that he's always on his own?

We should, like, talk to him.
See if he wants to hang out with us.

I didn't say we should talk to him. I just...

Think about it. Come on, it'd be awesome.

If he was our friend,
no one would ever fuck with us again.

Well, go on then, Todd. You wanna...

- I can get up.
- No, no...

- You wanna go talk to him? I can move.
- Dave... Dave should go.

- Dave should go.
- Why?

- Dave, you should totally go.
- Go.

- You're a dick.
- Don't be afraid, Dave.

You're a pussy.

Fuck off.

Did you spray anything over there?

Yeah, I think
I might have just shat in my pants a little.

- See you later.
- God, see you.

If that guy would have spoken to me
like that, I would have kicked his ass.

Todd, when have you ever
kicked anyone's ass?

Whatever, man.
I would have just gone for his knees.

- You're not making sense.
- What I'm saying is the centrifugal force

of Batman's batarang would undoubtedly
penetrate the Joker's force field,

- leaving him totally vulnerable to the...
- All right...

- Pussy patrol.
- Fuck.

- Phones, money.
- Dude, not again, come on.

- Phone.
- I don't have one.

- Someone else jacked it last week.
- Pussy.

- Give me the bag.
- It's just comics.

Yo, you want to get cut?

Look at this asshole just watching.

Come on, be honest with yourself.

Would you do anything differently?

We see someone in trouble
and we wish we could help,

but we don't.

The world I lived in,
heroes only existed in comic books.

And I guess that would have been okay
if bad guys were make-believe, too.

But they're not.

Frankie, I'm telling you, man,
I swear I'm not making this up.

This fucking guy comes out of nowhere,
kicks our asses,

and steals all the coke.

This would be the guy
that looks like Batman?

I didn't say he looked like Batman.

You did, Tre.
You said the guy looked like Batman.

- He said like a mask and stuff.
- And a cape.

- Yeah, like Batman.
- I didn't say "Like Batman."

I never said "Batman."

Okay.

Let me tell you the problem
I got with that, Tre.

Our mole with the Russians
tells things a little different.

According to him, you sold him my coke
and you took the money.

That's a fucking lie!

I can't believe that you would believe
this shit from a fucking Russian, man!

Let me see, Tre.
Hey, what's more likely, huh?

That you're a greedy little cocksucker
or all my coke was stolen by Superman?

- Batman.
- I never said Batman!

Enough!

Now my son is waiting out there
in the car to go to the movies,

and I ain't gonna disappoint him.

Joe, you're in charge.

- Frank... Frankie!
- That's gotta be the worst fucking excuse

I ever heard, Tre.

- Sorry you had to wait, buddy.
- The movie is starting in 10 minutes.

It's okay. We're cool.
We're only gonna miss the trailers.

Yeah. But I want to get some popcorn.

When we get in there,
get Chris some popcorn.

- Okay?
- You fucking motherfuckers!

What do you want to drink?
You want a Pepsi?

- Yeah, that's fine.
- Get him a Pepsi, and I'll have an Icee.

Mixed.

Like when they mix
the red one and the blue one.

And a pack of Twizzlers.

The comic books had it wrong.

It didn't take a trauma or cosmic rays
or a power ring to make a superhero.

Just the perfect combination
of optimism and naivety.

You are fucking awesome.

Come on then, bring it on!

Daddy, I'm scared.

Come on, Mindy, honey.

Be a big girl now.
There's nothing to be afraid of.

- Is it gonna hurt bad?
- Oh, child.

Only for a second, sugar.

A handgun bullet travels at... More than?

- 700 miles an hour.
- 700 miles an hour.

So at close range like this, the force
is gonna take you off your feet for sure,

but it's really no more painful
than a punch in the chest.

I hate getting punched in the chest.

You're gonna be fine, baby doll.

How was that? Not so bad.

Kind of fun, huh?
Now you know how it feels.

You won't be scared
when some junkie asshole pulls a Glock.

- I wouldn't have been scared anyways.
- That's my girl.

All right, up you get. Come on.
Two more rounds and then home.

Again?

Look, only if we can go
by the bowling alley on the way back.

The bowling alley?

Yeah. And ice cream after.

Okay. Two more rounds.

No wincing, no whining,
and you got yourself a deal, young lady.

Yeah! I'm gonna get a hot fudge sundae.

Good call, baby doll.

So, have you thought a little more about
what you might want for your birthday?

Can I get a puppy?

You wanna get a dog?

Yeah, a cuddly, fluffy one.

And a Bratz Movie Star Makeover Sasha.

I'm just fucking with you, Daddy.

Look, I'd love
a Benchmade Model 42 butterfly knife.

Oh, child.

You always knock me for a loop.

- You know what?
- What?

- I'm gonna get you two.
- Two?

One balisong. Two balisong.
That's what you get.

"The glass of fashion and the mold of form

"The observed of all observers
quite, quite down!

"And I, of ladies
most deject and wretched..."

I'll be honest,

there wasn't a whole lot
of crime-fighting in those first few weeks.

But even so,
my new vocation kept me plenty busy.

Shit.

I called it preparation.

But if you called it fantasizing,
it would have been hard to argue.

All I knew was
I'd never felt so good about myself.

Fuck!

Okay, maybe I was still
in the beta-testing phase,

but it was a start.

What the fuck are you looking at?

- Nothing.
- Get the fuck out of here.

Like every serial killer already knew,

eventually, fantasizing
just doesn't do it for you anymore.

It was time to engage.

Hurry up, man.

What the fuck?

What the fuck you looking at?

I said, what the fuck are you looking at?

Two cheap-shit losers screwing with a car

that someone probably
worked their ass off to pay for.

- Say what?
- Leave it be, man.

This motherfucker is obviously high.

I'm not high.

I just think it sucks
you guys think you can do what you want.

Just walk away from the car
and we can forget about this.

You're crazy, man.

Fuck this shit.

- Shit!
- Let's get out of here!

I came around for just long enough
to beg the medic

not to tell anybody about the costume.

He promised he wouldn't.

All I knew was my dad was gonna kill me.

Why can't I have a gun?
I'm a security guard.

You're a doorman now.
You don't get a gun no more.

Look at me. I look like a putz.

You look sharp. Look at all them buttons.
Do your job. Open the fucking door.

Have a nice day.

- Good morning, Frank.
- Hey, Joe, how you doing?

- Great.
- Want some coffee?

Maybe later. Morning, Ange.

- Good morning.
- Chris.

Good morning, Joe.

Frank, we got a thing.

It's a big thing, Frank.

Okay.

Sorry, hon.

Do what you got to do.

Chris, where do you think you're going?

- I got to talk to Dad.
- Christopher.

Frank, honey!

Where do you think you're going?

I don't...
I don't mind you talking business, Dad.

I was just gonna sit in there quietly.

I mean, I should probably
start learning this stuff anyway, right?

Hey, go finish your oatmeal.

God damn it! I'm gonna be 18
in eight months, for Christ's sakes.

Fuck.

Take a seat.

- So what's the problem?
- Our Russian says that Tre just sold him

another five keys at half price.

Which Tre? Tre Tre?

Right. Dead Tre.

So now I'm getting fucked
in the ass by a ghost?

Or Tre was telling the truth.

What, this is my choice,
I gotta believe in ghosts or superheroes?

Well, not the part about
the superhero, Frankie,

but just that he might have
really been gaffled by somebody.

I think we'd better invite
our Russian over for a friendly chat,

see what's really going on.

Hey, early birdie.

You beat me to it.
I wanted to get you breakfast this morning.

Happy birthday, sweetheart.

Check this out.

Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!

Oh, my gosh.

Dad.

Wow.

Watch, Dad.

Okay, pop quiz.

What's the proper name for one of those?

Easy, balisong. It's Filipino.
Ask me another.

Excellent, good.

The AR-15 was a lighter,
smaller caliber version of what design?

Eugene Stoner's AR-10.
Now give me a hard one.

The name of

John Woo's first full-length feature?

Tie han rou qing, The Young Dragons.

Daddy, look.

Hey, come on, you're not looking.

The point is,
some fucker is killing our guys.

Until we find out who that is,
I don't wanna see

any of you bitches sitting around
on your asses, all right?

What the fuck do you...

Hello?

Hey, Joe, yeah.

No, he's just training right now.

One second.

Dad, phone!

- Dad, the phone's for you.
- Who is it?

It's Joe.

- What's the problem?
- Yeah, Frank,

turns out we ain't got
the vise here no more.

Really?

But we do got
a brand-new industrial microwave.

They use it for treating the lumber.

Well, that is neat.

I think you must be confusing me
with someone

who gives a shit about the fucking lumber!

Yeah, okay, all right, Frank.
All right, I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry, okay?
...get the information.

All right, okay!

All right, come on. Go ahead.

Hey, look, the guys tell me
he's Tre Fernandez. What do I know?

- Shut up.
- Now you say Fernandez is dead.

- Get inside. Shut up!
- Okay, no, he lied!

- He lie about...
- Fucking mamaluke.

He lied!

Does this work like
a regular microwave or what?

Fuck do I know? We're not making
a fucking Hungry-Man dinner here.

Just turn it on.

Here we go.

Okay, I wanna know who sold you our coke.

And don't tell me somebody
who's dead this time.

Can he hear you?
I don't think he can hear you.

I said, who really sold you our coke?

Who

sold you

our coke?

Shit. Shit.

This is awesome!
I look like fricking Wolverine.

They still have
that metal detector at your school?

Yeah, it's gonna have a meltdown.

Dave, I need to ask you something.

Okay.

The police report,

they found you naked.

You said you didn't remember why.

The muggers, they didn't...

What?

No! Jesus.

No, I... I wasn't even...

In the ambulance,
they threw my clothes away

- 'cause of the blood.
- Right.

Okay, okay.

Dad. Dad.

Seemed like no time at all
before I was back on my feet.

- Dave's what?
- Not now.

Apart from some messed up nerve endings,

the doctors had managed
to fix me up pretty good.

- Did you feel that?
- No.

You're like fucking Jason Bourne
or something, man. That owns.

- How about that?
- No, Marty!

Give it a fucking rest, man.

I've only been back half a day,

and you're already
making me miss the hospital.

He's right. I'm sorry.
I'm acting totally childish.

- Stop with the fork.
- I apologize.

Hey.

Dave, hey.

Hey.

How are you? You look better.

I'm good. Yeah, much better.

Hey, you're into comic books, aren't you?

Well, me and Erika
sometimes hang out after school

at this really great store Atomic Comics.

They make the best
white chocolate mocha latte.

Yeah?

Well, I could buy you one sometime
if you, you know, like,

need someone to talk to.

Sure. Thank you.

Okay, sweet. Well, I'll see you later.

- Man, did you see that?
- Yeah.

Katie Deauxma
just offered to buy me coffee.

Yeah. You know,
I really don't think that's what it looks like.

- What are you talking about?
- The point is,

Katie Deauxma's all about the lame ducks.

What's this got to do with me?

I've been trying to figure out
how to tell you this.

- There's a rumor going around...
- Right.

...that you...
- What?

...are gay.
- Gay?

What kind of rumor is that?

Well, you know, I mean, getting mugged...

- You guys have been mugged!
- Yeah, I know, but,

you know, we didn't get beat up
and have all our clothes taken off.

That's not even true.
The medic threw my clothes away.

You know, don't worry about it.
Rumors don't mean shit.

- We know the truth. Yeah.
- Right?

And who knows, buddy,
this might even get you laid.

No, not if she thinks he's gay, Todd.
You fucking retard.

Thanks, Marty,
this is really fucking helping me.

I'm just being honest!

I was getting back to my old self.

I should have quit, of course,
but you can't just reprogram yourself.

What you want, who you are,
your purpose in life.

No, I'm just standing around, you know.

No, I'm not!

It is what it is.

How about that, huh?

Yeah. Didn't see that, did you?

I think it's best that you just walk away.

Well, maybe you shouldn't do that.

What? Are you looking at me?
Well, this is my business.

Me? My hardware was fixed now.

I was back and running
Kick-Ass version 2.0.

Excuse me, have you seen this cat?

- No.
- No? Okay, thank you.

Excuse me, ma'am. Have you seen this cat?

I'm sorry. Did you see this cat?

No? Okay.

Oh, great.

Here, kitty. Here, Mr. Bitey.

Come on... No, no, no, no, no!

No, no, no. Mr. Bitey, come on.

Back here, come on.
Let's get you home. Come on.

Fuck you, Mr. Bitey!

- Oh, God, I'm so sorry, man.
- You fucking green...

Get up. Get him up.

- Get up.
- Thanks, freak.

- Hey, leave him alone!
- Fuck off, man. It's none of your business!

Yes, it is.

Hey! Call 911!

Hey, there's a dude
dressed like a superhero out there

fighting a bunch of guys.

It's fucking awesome!

Leave him alone!

Give it up, man. Just walk away.

No. Never.

What the fuck is wrong with you, man?

You'd rather die for some piece of shit
that you don't even fucking know?

And three assholes

laying into one guy
while everybody else watches,

and you want to know
what's wrong with me?

Yeah, I'd rather die.

So bring it on!

You're fucking crazy, kid.

Fuck.

Thank you.

What?

Thank you.

That fucking rocked. Who are you?

I'm Kick-Ass.

- Dude, you gotta check this shit out.
- What is it?

...on the latest corruption scandal.
And coming up after the hour,

a costumed vigilante
has become the latest Internet phenomenon

after a Hamilton Park resident
filmed the man's remarkable intervention

in a gang-related attack last week.

- This is awesome.
- Fuck, yeah.

Welcome to this special edition
of Eye on New York.

How far would you go
to help your fellow man?

This colorful individual
has been all over the news this week

after a video of his intervention
of street-gang violence

became the most-watched clip
on the Internet.

Three assholes laying into one guy while...

My MySpace, 38 friends.
Kick-Ass's MySpace, 16,000 and counting.

This thing was going crazy,
and I was loving it.

And finally,
we want to know who is this man?

Does anyone have any idea
who this wetsuit crusader is?

He must be someone's son,
someone's brother,

- someone's next-door neighbor.
- Holy shit.

- Have you seen him?
- What happened?

What happened? This guy happened.

It's a great day for America, everybody.

Yeah, everybody's favorite superhero
right now, Kick-Ass, right?

Kick-Ass! Yeah!

I like Kick-Ass! His costume is crappy.

He looks like a transvestite...

You know what? Everyone likes Kick-Ass.

Did you see the clip?
He was actually pretty good.

Good at getting his ass kicked.

He should call himselfAss-Kick instead.

That doesn't even make sense.

...transvestite that is Kick-Ass
will take you down, I say!

That guy's gonna end up dead,
that's what I think.

Are you serious? The guy owns.

I'd e-mail his site
if I had a problem worth fixing.

What? Are you kidding me?
I got 100 guys who can fix a problem,

you'd hire some putz in pantyhose?

Well, I wouldn't wanna get in the way
of your business, where I'm not wanted.

Please, I know
you have mistaken me for Kick-Ass,

but I am not Kick-Ass.

- You don't actually read comics?
- Yeah, I just started.

I got recommended some.

Like Scott Pilgrim and Shojo Beat,
that kind of thing.

I'm not really into
the whole superhero thing, though.

So I guess you're not gonna line up
for that new Kick-Ass comic then?

I guess not.

But you know what?
I was seriously thinking of mailing his site.

I mean, I could really use some help
from a guy like that right now.

Help? Really? What with?

You know I volunteer
at the needle exchange.

No, I didn't.

Well, there's this one guy Rasul,
and I felt so sorry for him.

And the more I found out
about his upbringing and stuff, I just...

Wow, that's weird.
I'm usually the one playing therapist.

Can I make a confession?

Ever since I was little,
I've always wanted a friend

like you.

- Is it okay to say that?
- Yeah.

I mean, that's not homophobic, is it?

I mean, I don't think
you're all the same or anything.

- Of course not, no.
- Thank you.

I don't know if I was everything Katie
had always dreamed her gay BFF would be,

but I tried my best.

But more importantly,
I talked her into mailing Kick-Ass.

Long story short,
this particular lame duck of hers

turned out to be more of a lame cobra.

She didn't want the money back
that she'd given him

or an apology for the black eye
he'd given her.

She just wanted him
to get that they were through

and leave her alone.

And let's be real, no other request
could have given me more pleasure.

Who the fuck are you supposed to be,
the Green Condom?

You know it ain't Halloween
for another few months, kid?

I'm here to see Rasul.

Who the fuck are you?

I'm... I'm a friend of Katie's.

Kids nowadays in their tights.

So, which one of you guys is Rasul?

I'm Rasul. Can't you tell by my big titties?

What is this? Trick or treat or something?

Fuck! Now I'm dead.

I have a message for Rasul
about Katie Deauxma.

- Katie?
- You're Rasul?

Okay. You gotta stay away from Katie now.
It's over.

So if you just leave her alone,
everything will be fine.

What?

Yo, kid, who the hell are you?
And what is this?

I'm Kick-Ass. Look me up.

And this is me giving you a message.

Leave Katie alone.

Or what?

Or I'll come back

and break your fucking legs.

I'm right here now, baby. What's up?

Oh, fuck!

Hold him.

You are so fucking dead, man.

Okay, you cunts,
let's see what you can do now.

Eeny, meeny, miny, moe.

Oh, shit!

What the fuck?

Hey, I got one of those.

Come on.

So you want to play.

What the fuck?

Dude, that is one gay-looking Taser.

Relax, we're on the same team.

- Hey, get up.
- No...

Now, Hit Girl,
we always keep our backs where?

To the wall, Daddy. I know.

It won't happen again.

- Nice shot, by the way.
- Thank you.

Let's go.

Hey, hey, asshole.
Can't use the front door now.

Wait, wait, wait!

What?

Who are you?

Me?

I'm Hit Girl.

And that's Big Daddy.

Come on.

Come on!

Hit Girl and Big Daddy,
they were the real deal.

Me?

I was just a stupid dick in a wetsuit.

What is this? What am I looking at here?

It was Sal's phone.
They found it in his hand.

He must have taken that
right before he died.

I know this sounds fucked up, Frankie,
but that guy in the picture,

I think it's that superhero nutjob
from the TV.

Who?

Kick-Ass?

One guy?

Hold on, you're telling me
one guy killed eight of my men tonight?

Eight at Sal's place, four at that kid Rasul's.

We have no merchandise
on the street at all?

Right.

- One guy?
- I think.

Man, if you're right, we're gonna look like
the biggest bunch of pussies in New York.

What do you want me to do?

I want Kick-Ass's fucking head
on a stick, and I want it now.

I didn't say anything to anyone, I swear.

Good move, Ass-Kick.
Let's keep it that way.

You know what this is?

It's all the cartridge crap that comes out
of your gay little Taser when you fire it.

You do know the police could have traced
this right back to you if they'd found it?

But lucky for you, I picked it up.

Thank you.

Let's call it insurance.
Makes it easier for us to take your word.

See, we like you, but we don't trust you.

Don't take it personal, though.
We don't trust anybody.

I rerouted your IP address.
Finding you was way too easy.

Shit. Shit, I hadn't thought...

My God, I... I owe you.

You know what? I'm thinking of
just shutting my site down anyway.

Quitting. I mean, this is...

It's fucking insane. I'm in way over my head.

It's a shame. You have potential.

Your call,
but you know we're around if you need us.

How do I get a hold of you?

You just contact the mayor's office.
He has a special signal he shines in the sky.

It's in the shape of a giant cock.

You need us, put on your website
that you're on vacation.

We'll find you.
Hit Girl, back to headquarters.

Sweet dreams.

I need you to get rid of Kick-Ass.

- Yo. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's up?
- What's up?

Kick-Ass is killing my men, Gigante,
that's what's up.

My condolences, Frank.

But I'm afraid
I can't help you out on this one.

Little bit outside my jurisdiction.

Outside your jurisdiction?

You're a fucking cop,
and he's breaking the law.

That's so inside your jurisdiction,
it's ball-deep in your jurisdiction's ass.

Listen, cops pay me to nail the bad guys,
you pay me not to.

Everything else is in the gray area.

Yeah. Fuck you very much, Vic.
Just do it, okay?

Un-fucking-believable.

Where's Cody? He's late.

Thank you, Cody.
We appreciate your co-operation.

Let me out now?
I gave you all them names and addresses.

Hey, I won't say nothing to nobody.

You and your crazy midget friend
can go bash whoever you want...

Hey, come on.
Hey, I know some very bad people uptown,

really nasty individuals.
Let me go. Hey, come on!

Hey, don't do this!
You don't need to do this!

Come on. Oh, shit... Please!

Hey! God! No, please, please!

Come on, no, no!

What a douche.

You have done self tan before, right?

Yeah, like, I do it all the time.

Murder, superheroes
breaking into my bedroom,

my life had turned into some
fucked-up dream I couldn't wake up from.

Even the good parts were totally surreal.

Hey, I read those old
Ditko Spider-Mans you gave me.

They're actually pretty good.

Yeah, they are.

And it's been a whole week
since I've heard from Rasul.

That's great.

Once upon a time, there were
two supercops, called Daddy and Marcus,

who were very good at getting bad guys.

Frank D'Amico
was the baddest guy of them all,

and he came up with a plan
to get rid of Daddy.

Being framed as a drug dealer
was the worst possible thing

that could have happened to Daddy.

Prison was not his natural habitat.

He was very upset.

With Daddy in prison,
his pregnant wife was all alone

and could not cope.

But all clouds have a silver lining,
and out of her death,

Mindy was born!

Marcus became the child's guardian,

and Daddy started a plan of his very own.

Five years later, he left prison,
and he was ready.

Now, it was time for Mindy to get ready, too.

How'd you find me, Marcus?

One of us is still a cop, remember?

Is this how you brainwashed Mindy?

You say brainwashed.
I say made it into a game.

You call this playing, Damon?

Vigilante justice, mass murder.
Come on, partner.

So where is she?

- She's safe.
- Can I see her?

I miss her.

I miss you both.

I appreciate your concern.
But you need to go now.

I should warn you, that asshole Gigante
is looking for Kick-Ass.

He got something to do with you, Damon?

You started some kind of
fucked-up superhero club?

- Never heard of him.
- Okay, well, heads up, all right?

You keep carrying on
like you've been carrying on,

it's only a matter of time
before Gigante is looking for you.

He's been on Frank D'Amico's payroll
ever since you passed up the opportunity.

You know I'm not gonna stop.

Not until D'Amico
and his whole damn operation

are burnt to ashes and buried.

It ain't gonna bring her back, Damon.

This is not the life for Mindy.

You owe that kid a childhood.

I'll tell you who owes her a childhood!

Frank D'Amico!

Holy shit.

I don't fucking believe it.

Follow him, around the corner.

Not too fast.

What's with the high-fives?

I'll give you a motherfucking high-five.

High-fiving bullshit.
Keep going, keep going.

Not too close.

He's going in the alley.

Okay, when I tell you, stop the car. Ready?

Hey, Kick-Ass.

How you doing?

Kill my men, huh?

Take my fucking coke?

Whoa! Whoa! Boss, what are you doing?

- Boss, we gotta go, man. Come on, let's go.
- Fucking scumbag!

Frank, Frank, Frank, come on,
he's had enough. Come on.

He's had enough. Come on.

What the fuck are you looking at?

Frank.

Come on, come on,
come on, come on, let's go. We gotta go.

Shit. Come on, come on, get in.

He was so young.
No one should have to die that way.

I mean, I just can't believe he's dead,
that's all.

I know. But, Katie,

guys like Rasul, they get mixed up in stuff...

No, I know, I know.
But what if it was my fault?

What if Kick-Ass did it?

I mean, I feel like
I should call the cops or something.

What? You're talking crazy.

There's no way. He probably
didn't even read your e-mail yet.

- Yeah.
- You've got nothing to worry about.

I'm so glad you're here.

I was such a mess.

That's okay.

- No problem.
- You're the best.

I hope it's okay to say this, but...
It so sucks that you're gay.

I don't fucking believe this.

What kind of
children's enter-fucking-tainer is that?

What kind of kid has a... A Spider-Man
party, sure, but a fucking Kick-Ass party?

What, are they selling paper plates
and napkins down at the store now?

Frank, you're scaring me. You're losing it.

Since when did you start getting
your hands dirty again? And in public!

Since when I ask you fucks
to deliver me Kick-Ass,

- and you don't deliver, that's when.
- Give me a break. It's been a week.

We e-mailed him. We got half the crew out
doing petty crimes as bait.

We're busting our asses here.

What the hell are you doing?

You're back on the powder now, as well?

"Mommy, I want a Kick-Ass party."
Dumb little fucks.

- I know a way you can get him.
- Shit.

Chris, how long you been there?

What the hell are you doing?
Get the hell out.

Do you want to hear it or not?

- Hear what?
- Okay, look,

you're a superhero and you're lonely,
but you can't trust anyone

'cause either
they'll expose your secret identity...

Comic books this kid reads
all fucking day long.

The point is there's only one way
a superhero can trust a stranger.

And I can be that stranger.
You just gotta give me a chance.

I know I can do it. I just need a few things.

Like what?

I need these things.

What, are you fucking kidding me?
What the hell is this?

It's everything I need.

And you might have to screw
someone over, like Louie, or something.

- Louie? Hey, Chris.
- Or somebody. It doesn't have to be Louie.

- Tony!
- Tony.

- Tony?
- I hate Tony.

Yeah, fuck Tony. He's a scumbag.

I swear, Dad, if you let me do this,
it's gonna work.

Tony.

Tony Romita, one of America's
most-wanted crime kingpins,

was arrested in Queens today

after a 911 call from someone
claiming to be a superhero...

So, how are things going with Katie?

Just peachy.

We had a sleepover
and spent the whole night

watching the entire Ugly Betty box set
and did pedicures.

I'm telling you, the longer you wait,
the worse it's gonna get.

I know. I was gonna tell her.
It's just, she seems so happy.

- I don't know when's the right time.
- Now's your chance.

- She didn't see that, did she?
- Hey, guys.

- Hi!
- Hi, sweetie.

Did you watch the TV?
The new superhero guy?

- How cool is that?
- What?

- Hey, look.
- Could you turn it up, please?

- Check this out.
...dressed as Kick-Ass.

But it seems that far from being put off,
this individual, who calls himself Red Mist,

has decided to take
crime-fighting to a new level,

as his actions last night proved.
Red Mist, how do you see it?

Well, I guess folks have just
had enough of living in fear, you know,

and Kick-Ass really proved that
one individual can make a difference.

So if anyone out there needs help,
I'll be fighting crime 25/8.

And I'm just one click away. Redmist. Org.

Can we turn that off now?
What's so special about that guy?

He caught, like, a drug dealer,
some most-wanted guy.

You saw him bringing out
like a ton of stuff.

That's pretty cool.

He's got a way better costume
than Kick-Ass, too.

- He's got a cape.
- Yeah.

- Capes rock.
- Yeah, I'm kind of feeling the cape.

He looks good.

What, better than Kick-Ass?

I mean, they're both kind of hot.
I just think Red Mist has a better body.

Don't you think, Dave?

Yeah, Dave, what do you think?

Is he the kind of guy you'd go for,
with all that leather?

No, Marty. No, he's not really my type.

Kick-Ass!

Red Mist.

Shit! Fuck me, that kind of hurt.

- Are you okay?
- Yeah, no, I'm cool.

I can't believe you're here, man.
Like, you're my hero.

You inspired me. No Kick-Ass, no Red Mist.

- Seriously.
- Wow.

- Hey, really?
- Straight up. And listen, if you...

I don't know, if you wanted me
to be your sidekick or something...

You wanna be my sidekick?

Yeah, man!
You and me together, we would own!

You wanna go fight some crime?

What you mean, like, right now?

Yeah, man, come on.
I got something I wanna show you.

I mean, like, to be honest with you,

I only ever fight crime
between like 9:00 and 2:00, weekdays.

So I'm gonna need to get back pretty soon.

Sweet!

- Is that yours?
- Meet the Mist Mobile.

SatNav. Got my iPhone,
so I can check the websites

for emergencies when I'm driving around.

Got a little bit of mood lighting right there.

Rearview camera, no big deal.

Check this, you're gonna fucking love this.

The mist.

Hey.

That's right, we're superheroes.
You love us.

- Smoke?
- No.

I feel a little weed takes the edge off things
when I'm on patrol, you know?

Going up against a crowd
can get kind of scary, don't you think?

Something wrong?

Yeah. You're so not how I expected.

I got this e-mail from this chick.

She said this guy's
been following her home from work.

I got her address and stuff.
You wanna check it out?

- Sure, why not?
- Cool.

So we're sitting there totally naked, right?

I told her, "Sit on my lap, we'll talk about
the first thing that comes up."

- Yeah?
- Just got the text. He's on his way.

He did very good.

- Don't kill him till I get there.
- Right.

Looks like reading all them comics
paid off, huh?

Your boy did good, Frankie.

He's his father's son.

I forgot.

What the fuck?

Shit.

- Hey, what are you doing?
- There are people in there.

Yeah. Shouldn't we call the fire...

Shit!

Mikey.

Fuck.

- Shit. Fuck.
- Red Mist!

Red Mist! Red Mist!

Hey. Hey, man, can you hear me? Hey.

Jesus Christ!

Red Mist! Red Mist!

Where the fuck are you?

We gotta get the hell out of here.
Dude, move your fucking ass!

Holy shit!

- Did you see those bodies?
- Yeah, man.

- Why'd you save the teddy?
- What?

I don't know, man. Come on.

Come.

What the hell are you doing, Frank?

You know I can't be here.
What if somebody saw...

That motherfucker Kick-Ass
burnt down my warehouse

and killed my men, Gigante.

Wait, wait, wait. Slow down. Kick-Ass?

- Are you sure?
- You gotta help me, Vic.

My son was there, and he's still missing.

They're all dead!
Everybody in the warehouse is dead.

Put the gun down, Vic. It's Chris.

Chris is Red Mist?

It's not Red Mist you gotta worry about.
It's Kick-Ass.

No, no, no, it's not.
Kick-Ass is just some geek, Dad.

You don't have to worry about him.
You need to watch this.

- Why, what does it do?
- Are you fucking kidding me?

- What?
- God damn it, just sit down.

What are you doing?
What the hell is that thing?

You bought this to spy on the nanny
when I was a kid. Don't you remember?

- What, and you put it in the warehouse?
- Yeah, I thought it'd be cool

to put the unmasking of Kick-Ass
on the Internet, okay?

Watch.

I told her, "Sit on my lap, we'll talk about
the first thing that comes up."

- Yeah?
- Just got the text. He's on his way.

He did very good.

- Don't kill him till I get there.
- Right.

Who the hell is this guy?

I don't know, Dad.

But Kick-Ass told me
we're not the only superheroes in town.

Maybe he knows who this guy is.

I want this place locked down.

Nobody comes in, nobody goes out.

Not until somebody finds this cocksucker

and pulls his fucking lungs out
through his ass.

Listen, they're on to you.

Do you hear me? They're on to you.

I thought they were looking for Kick-Ass.

Not anymore. Gigante just put on
a little movie-show for us.

Different superhero in a warehouse,
killing a whole bunch of D'Amico's guys.

I'm gonna take a wild guess that was you.

- I killed all the cameras.
- Apparently not.

Look, bro, you need to get ghost.
Hide yourself quick.

Appreciate it.

Mindy,

no more homework, baby doll.

It's time for Frank D'Amico to go bye-bye.

X-Men, the Fantastic Four,
right now, I envy the crap out of them.

Everything was out of control.
I didn't know what the hell to do.

You okay, buddy? You look tired.
Early night tonight, maybe?

And there was no one
I could talk to about it.

Dave? Hello?

Yeah, you bet I will.

I'd never felt more alone.

I'd always dreamed of being a superhero,
but this was a nightmare.

It was time to stop wearing
this stupid costume.

But there was one last thing I needed it for.

What's the difference between
Spider-Man and Peter Parker?

Spider-Man gets the girl.

Hey, I'm Kick-Ass.

I'm Kick-Ass. You mail me?

Wait...

Fuck! Fuck!

Fucking freak in a mask!
Get out of my house!

I'm not gonna hurt you, all right?

No, no, no! It's me, it's me!

All right?
I was only trying to surprise you. I'm...

- Dave? What the fuck are you doing?
- I'm sorry.

- Why are you dressed as Kick-Ass?
- Because I am Kick-Ass.

- What are you talking about?
- And I'm also not gay.

- Fuck!
- And I'm an idiot and a shit friend.

I lied to you, I know.

- Oh, my God.
- I know. If it makes you feel any better,

I don't think you can hate me any more
right now than I hate myself.

Please, I'm...

Look, I'm really, really sorry.

I've never met anyone who's as beautiful
and as kind and lovely as you.

You deserve better.

- Dave.
- Yes?

My mom has
the burglar alarm on downstairs,

so you should probably use the window.

Or...

Or you could just stay.

Stay?

What, like when we have a sleepover?

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you.

Wow.

We gotta get over it,

on top of it, and then into it,
right in the middle of it.

Daddy, I think I found one.

It's perfect,
and they can deliver it in three days.

It's 300,000 bucks.

Can you think of anything else
you'd rather spend it on?

Oh, my gosh!

- That is cool.
- Yeah.

Add to shopping cart.

Okay.

Out of Kick-Ass and Red Mist,
who do you think would win in a fight?

Why are they fighting? That seems stupid.

- What do you think?
- I don't know, but I think Kick-Ass is cuter.

Really?

I, for one, would definitely
fuck his brains out if I got the chance.

You would?

Definitely.

Do you feel like checking out
that new Kate Hudson movie

where she's like a shoe designer,
can't get a guy?

- I think we could make the next showing.
- Hell, yeah.

I guess we're not invited.

All right. You know what? Come here.

I'm going to convert you
to a comics reader right now.

Suddenly, I understood why
superheroes only existed in comic books.

I got why people didn't risk their lives
for strangers.

Because for the first time in my life,

I had something worth living for,

something to lose.

Katie worried about me getting hurt,

so I promised her
my Kick-Ass days were over.

And the truth was I hardly missed it at all.

I hadn't even checked
the website for, like, a week.

Okay, I'm off then.

- No Katie tonight?
- Tomorrow.

Wednesdays, she's got
one of those volunteer things.

You seem like a different guy,
you know that?

Your mom would have been so happy
to see you out of your shell like this.

Have a good night.

- Hey, baby.
- Hey, what's going on?

I gotta do a Kick-Ass thing.

What? I thought you were done with that.

This is the last time. I totally swear.

I worry about you.

Well, I wish you wouldn't worry.

I can't help it. I do because I...

I care about you a lot.

I care about you a lot, too.

This better be pretty serious, dude,

'cause I promised my girlfriend
that I'm done with all this shit.

How about both of us being dead?
Is that serious enough for you?

Dead? How?

It turns out
those dead guys from the warehouse

had some bad motherfuckers for friends,
and they think we did that shit.

There's a price on our heads, man.

A price on our heads?
What is this, the Wild West?

I'm not messing with you, dude.
They found out where I lived.

They trashed my place. I'm fucking screwed.

- And you're gonna be next, okay?
- What?

Shit.

What do we do?

Remember you mentioned
that there are other superheroes?

Yeah?

Well, do you think they can help us?

Hot chocolate, extra marshmallows.

Man, that looks even cooler
than it did in the picture.

Child, you know, that's because
in the picture, it didn't have Gatling guns.

Nice job.

I'm gonna take mine to bed, okay?

Okay, baby doll. Sleep tight.

Thanks. Kick-Ass?

You go get dressed.
I'll tell him to meet us at Safe House B.

We'll have our hot chocolate
when we get back.

- Okay, Daddy.
- Come on.

- There you go.
- All right.

- Do you know where that is?
- No, but I'll just put it in the GPS.

- It's what it's for.
- All right, let's go.

Shit.

Okay, okay, okay.

Well, here you are and Red Mist, too.

- Pleasure to meet you.
- Good to meet you, sir.

Please, come in.

After you.

Hit Girl, manners, honey.

Hi, I'm Hit Girl.

No!

Your ass is mine! Come on.

No, he's with me. He's okay.

Shut the fuck up, kid.
Your daddy's the boss. You go home.

Are you shitting me? No, he's fine.
He's with me.

- Let him go.
- Get out of here. Get the fuck out of here.

Hot damn. I always wanted one of these.

- You're seriously gonna take that?
- Yes.

Come on, sweet cheeks.

If you don't get your
wannabe superhero ass in the car...

- That's funny.
...you're gonna have a lot of trouble

- on your hands.
- That's really funny. You're so fired.

- Kick-Ass...
- Get him out of here. Get him out of here.

- Get him in the van.
- Let go of me. Put me down.

Kick-Ass, I'm sorry!

- Get in the car.
- Get in there!

You better fire this asshole.

Ignore him...

A bazooka?

- Okay.
- We had a deal, Dad.

We had a fucking deal
that I would get you the guy who did it,

and all I'm asking is you let Kick-Ass go.
He didn't do anything wrong.

Chris, you got to look at this
from my point of view. Okay?

I gotta send a public service message
to the people out there

that being a superhero
is bad for your health.

And the Big motherfucker?
Nobody knows who he is.

- Yeah, but that's not fair!
- Yeah, life's not fair, kid. Get over it.

What are you gonna do to them?

You really wanna be a part of my business?

Yeah.

Then sit down, shut up and watch.

Frank, we're ready. Enjoy the show.

- Are you controlling this right now?
- I sure am.

Big Brother, watch and learn.

Welcome back. Breaking News.

A worldwide web broadcast
of the New York superhero

who calls himself Kick-Ass
is about to be shown live.

Rumors have it that
this will be Kick-Ass's farewell appearance,

that he will announce
his retirement from crime fighting.

But as word of mouth continues to spread,

Internet providers are predicting that

it could be one of the most widely-viewed
live events in web history.

Wait, where's Dave?

There are no clues as yet
as to the exact nature...

- Holy shit. Have you guys noticed...
- He's with Katie.

- Obviously.
...come to a standstill to watch.

Why else would I be here?

There's no idea as to who is behind
the broadcast of this show,

but we could see
widespread server crashes...

Dave, why didn't you tell me
this is what you were doing?

You're on the news. Call me.

We go now over live to the countdown
clock as we are moments away.

Show time.

Hello, boys and girls.

Now, this...

Well, you know who this guy is.

And this guy here is Big Daddy.

And these are my friends.

Come on in, guys, say hello.

Yeah, yeah, there they are. Hello, hello.

Now Big Daddy and Kick-Ass
are gonna help us

show you why being a hero is a bad idea.

You know what a silent "K" is?

That's when "K" is
at the beginning of the word,

but you don't pronounce it.
Like in the word "Knuckleduster."

Show them what
a knuckleduster can do, guy.

That must have hurt!
Let's see that again from the other side.

Go on. Yeah, I think it did.

Now in France, they say the word "stick"
like this, bâton.

We got some of Kick-Ass's bâtons.

We're gonna show you what they can do.
Go ahead, boys.

In America, we say "stick" like this.
Baseball bat.

Which is very good
for hitting knees and stomachs.

It's also good for hitting balls.

Know what else we do?
We don't do them individually.

We do them all together.
Gentlemen, please.

Yeah. This looks very painful.

Due to the distressing nature of the images,
we are unable to broadcast the events

currently streaming live on the Internet.

- Fuck.
- No. No, no, no.

Despite initial speculation that this may be
some kind of hoax or publicity stunt,

it is now clear that the hostages
are in genuine danger,

that all signs point to the intention to stage
a live execution in the next few minutes.

Even with my metal plates
and my fucked-up nerve endings,

I got to tell you, that hurt.

The kerosene.

Yes, the silent killer.

But not half as much as the idea
of leaving everything behind.

Katie,

my dad,

Todd and Marty.

And all the things I'd never do,
like learn to drive,

or see what me and Katie's kids
would look like

or find out what happened on Lost.

Spicy, spicy.

And if you're reassuring yourself

that I'm gonna make it through this
since I'm talking to you now,

quit being such a smartass.

Hell, dude, you never seen Sin City,
Sunset Blvd., American Beauty?

And this, for all you cavemen out there,

is fire.

No.

I know.

Fire. Fire is good.

Fire is our friend.

Yeah, yeah.

Gentlemen,

time to die.

What the...

What the fuck just happened? Hey, hey.
Somebody find the lights.

Hello!

Jimmy.

Jesus Christ.

Bobby? Bobby?

Get the lighter!

It's on the floor right over there.
Find the lighter.

I got it.

- No!
- Take cover, child.

Now switch to Kryptonite.

Kryptonite.

Go to Robin's Revenge!

Robin, Robin.

Show's over, motherfuckers.

Yeah! I think I'm in love with her, dude.

She looks like
she's about 11 years old, but...

I can wait!
I solemnly vow to save myself for her.

That should be really difficult for you.
Are you okay?

Yeah.

Good job.

I'm so proud of you, baby doll.

Are you okay?

But getting shot, Daddy,
it hurt a lot more than when you did it.

That's 'cause I used
low velocity rounds, child.

You're the kindest daddy
in the whole world.

No, I just...

I love you.

I love you, too, Daddy.

Sleep tight.

What's your name?

I mean your real name.

A superhero never reveals his true identity.

What? Look, you can't go on...

However you lived before,

it's over.

Is there anybody else? Your family or...

Look, I can take care of myself.

I saved your sorry ass.

What about money, huh?
All right, 'cause you got to think long term.

I've got $3 million in a suitcase.

That "long term" enough for you?

It's not all about the money.

I owe you.

If it wasn't for you, I'd be dead.

And if it wasn't for you,

my dad wouldn't be.

Look,

pack up whatever you need
and we'll go back to my place.

I just need to clean my...

Just go.

I meant like pajamas and clothes and stuff.
You can't take that stuff to my house.

You know what my dad
really would have wanted?

He would have wanted me
to finish what we started.

And that's exactly what I'm gonna do.

Is this Frank D'Amico's place?

All that security?

- Are you crazy?
- My mom already died for nothing.

So I'm sure as hell
not gonna let my dad die for nothing, too.

You can't do this on your own.

Exactly.

Do you wanna deal with owing my dad?

Then shut the hell up
and pick your weapon.

Is that what I think it is?

Damn straight.

And you better start
reading the instructions,

'cause you're gonna be
using it in about five minutes.

Yo, listen up. We got five minutes,
then I want you back on your posts.

And don't leave a mess.

- Everything okay?
- Everything's all right, boss.

I can't believe I got my gun back.
Look at that.

You know, it's not the...

Let her in.

It's a little kid. What's the matter with you?

You okay, sweetheart?

I...

I lost my mommy and daddy.

She lost her mommy and daddy.

You want to use my cell phone?

Now can you remember the number?

Help!

Had I ever been a real superhero?

The most I'd ever had to offer the world
was good intentions

and a slightly elevated capacity
to take a kicking.

With no power comes no responsibility.

Except that wasn't true.

- Did you hear that?
- Holy shit.

Take cover, please.

Shit.

No.

Shit.

What the fuck?

Get in here. Help me out!

Holy fuck, Fashion, everybody's dead.

She's behind the counter.
She's out of ammo, okay?

Do you think they got them?

If they didn't, he will.

Get out there.

Now?

Yeah, now.

What the fuck is going on?

We got her trapped. She's unarmed.

So what in the hell
are you guys waiting for?

- Go get her.
- Go on, man.

- Go get her.
- I ain't got no fucking gun.

I'm not going in.

You do now.

Now move.

Fuck this shit. I'm getting the bazooka.

Bazooka?

It's only me, boss.
Everything's under control.

Under control? You're grabbing
a fucking bazooka, you dumbass.

Sir?

Do it.

I always wanted to say this.

Say hello to my little friend!

Dirty motherfuckers!

Holy shit.

That is one weird-sounding bazooka.

Stu!

Fuck!

Get him.

Playtime's over, kid.

I never play.

Oh, really?

Ruin my business, huh?

Kill every single fucking guy on my payroll?

God, I wish I had a son like you.

Time for a family reunion.

Hey.

Why don't you pick on someone
your own size?

- Are you okay?
- Yeah.

Time to go home.

Thanks, Kick-Ass.

My daddy,

he would have been proud of both of us.

Dave.

Dave Lizewski.

I know that, dumbass.

Mindy.

Mindy Macready.

- Have a good day. Bye.
- Bye.

Mindy moved in with Marcus,
and he enrolled her at my school.

- Bye.
- Good luck.

First school she'd ever been to,
on the promise that I'd look out for her.

Hey.

Not that she needed me to.

Hey, new kid.

Hi.

Lunch money.

Now.

Kick-Ass was gone, but not forgotten.

And my world was much safer
with all the new superheroes.

They said I was their inspiration,

but all I did was make a door
into a world I'd dreamed about

since I was a little kid.

A world full of superheroes, huh?

As a great man once said,

"Wait till they get a load of me."