All language subtitles for Brooklyn Nine-Nine - 04x20

Ugh, where is this guy?

Deal was supposed to
go down ten minutes ago.

Stupid criminals have no respect

for the people
trying to bust them.

Yeah, I really wish
he'd show up.

I gotta go to
the bathroom so bad.

That's, like,
the third time today, man.

What is going on with you?
Oh, Amy freaked out

'cause I told her
I never drink water

so now she's making me drink
eight glasses a day.

It's, like,
there's water in soda,

there's water in coffee,

there's little pools
of water on pizza.

- That's grease, Jake.
- Well, it's wet, isn't it?

It's our guy. Billy Ocampo.

Deal's going down. Let's go.

All right,
and then we're gonna pee.

Count.

NYPD! Freeze!

- Cops!
- We got a jackrabbit.

♪

Ah! Damn it.

Ocampo got away.
What happened to him?

Dumb-dumb tried
to jump down the stairs.

Shattered his ankle.
Foot's all floppy.

Great, let's get 'em
back to the Nine-Nine,

see if Floppy Foot
and his friend

know where our man's hiding.

They don't know anything.

They're undercover cops.

Floppy Foot's a cop?

Crap, that's Lieutenant
Melanie Hawkins.

I know. She's literally my hero.

Hello, Lieutenant Hawkins.

You idiots just ruined
a three-month operation.

My name is Detective
Ignatius Pennyfeather IX.

That's I-G...

Nacious.

♪

These two bozos screwed up
a three-month operation.

Well, this sucks.

Lieutenant Hawkins is my idol,
and now she hates me.

She is so cool.

She's been buried alive
three times.

I've only been
buried alive once.

I heard she doesn't let anyone
take her photograph

so that she can
still go undercover.

Hey, Rosa, delete all
the pictures you have of me.

I don't have any.

Not even the
Splash Mountain one?

Oh. Here comes Holt.

Well, Hawkins
is more enraged than ever.

Why? Ocampo's just
a low-level fence.

She wanted to use him

to get to the
Golden Gang bank robbers.

She thinks he's their fence.

Golden Gang? Damn.

Those guys just hit
a bank in Bushwick,

took 6 mil in diamonds.

That is a big deal.
She should be mad at us.

You two, get in here.

You're in God's hands now.
Good-bye.

You tank the operation,

and you put one of my men
out of commission.

I am this close to suspending
the both of you.

Almost looked like your
fingers were actually touching.

We're sorry
our signals got crossed.

This is everything
we have on Ocampo.

Yeah, we've been on his tail
for a while.

We know everything about him,

all the way down to
his favorite fro-yo flavor...

Monkeyberry Marshmallow Blaster.

The point is,
we can help you find him.

You wanna help?
Stop looking for Ocampo,

and stay away from my case.

Sounds good.
We will definitely stop...

not looking for him.

We're gonna find Ocampo for her,

and then she's not
gonna be mad anymore.

- Dope.
- Dope indeed.

I swear, I would rather
drink ginger ale, Rosa.

Honestly! Ginger ale!

So a guy got stabbed
at 3rd and Union.

You know what that means.
I got 3rd Street bagels!

Wow, it's so nice and surprising

when somebody thinks of others.
Nah.

- Scully...
- I was thinking of you.

I was thinking about
how stupid your face is.

That's it!

I'm licking all these bagels.
You get none!

Oh, you think
your spit's gonna stop me?

Brother, you don't
know me at all.

Mmm! Ugh, what are we watching?

They've been fighting
like little kids all morning,

and I can't get 'em to stop.

I tried everything,
ordering them to stop and...

Well, that's really all I tried.

But I'm their superior officer.
That should've worked.

Guys, why are you fighting?
You're best friends.

Every Sunday after church,

Scully and I have
dinner together at Wing Sluts.

We know. You get ribs
and White Russians

and watch "Undercover Boss."

Last night,
Scully said he was sick,

so I went by myself.

Guess who was there,
healthy as a clam?

Mr. Liar
and his new tart Cindy Shatz.

What happened to our bro code?

Badge before va...
Hitchcock, no.

You always get mad
when I spend time with Cindy,

so I lied, because I didn't
want you to throw a fit...

Ya cuck.
You're the cuck, snowflake!

- No, you are!
- Gina, as you know,

my fountain pen is being
re-nibbed in Germany.

Yes, it's all
no one is talking about.

Due to its absence,
I borrowed Amy's favorite pen,

and... I lost it.

That pen is her best friend.

I'm not even saying that
as an insult.

I've heard her say it.
How'd you lose it?

I have a COMPSTAT
presentation coming up,

and I was toying with the idea
of using hand gestures,

for emphasis,

so I went out on the roof
to practice...

And, ladies and gentlemen,

violent crime
has gone down by 10 perce...

Amy is going to be very angry,
maybe even angrier

than when they added "YOLO"
to the dictionary.

You know,
I wouldn't worry about it.

Amy's, like, physically
incapable of being mad at you.

I don't think
she'll be disrespectful,

but certainly she'll be upset.

Ehh... watch this.

Amy,
someone lost your pen, girl.

Gina, you better be joking.

That pen is my best friend,
and I will straight up...

It was Captain Holt.

Oh, that's fine.
It's just a pen.

It's just a pen.

Hey, so I talked to my C.I.s,

and nobody's heard
anything about Ocampo,

but I talked to Skeezy J,

who said he's been taking
night classes.

He wants to be a dietician.
I'm excited for him.

Hawkins knows
we're working the case.

I highly doubt it.
What makes you say that?

She just called and said,

"Get over here.
I know you're working the case."

Hmm, so it appears
you were onto something.

Very good. Touché.
Well, off to death.

This place is awesome.

I've always wanted to work
in a covert facility.

I know. We're in
a black site, Rosa.

I bet they have
some awesome name for it.

- Welcome to the Slaughterhouse.
- Told ya.

Hey, so listen,

we know you told us
to stop looking for Ocampo,

but we figured
we'd find him for you,

try and make things right.

It's all good. I'm not mad.

I checked out your files.
You guys do good stuff.

I think you might be
our best option

at finding this guy again.
You think you can do that?

Can a paring knife
remove a human heart

in under a minute?
Yes, I've seen it happen.

Lucky.

So why don't you both
come back tomorrow

and we can start
working this together?

And, who knows,
if you find the guy,

I got an open spot on my squad.

Maybe one of you could fill it.

Or maybe one of us
could fill it.

- Excuse me?
- What you said... better.

Rosa, leave now?

This is amazing.

I've always wanted to be
on that squad.

Me too. Working with her
would be insane.

What do we do?

I mean, there's only one spot
and the two of us,

unless one of us
wanted to back off

because the other said it first.
That seems fair.

Look, none of this matters
if we don't find Ocampo.

Let's just do our jobs,

and Hawkins will do
whatever she's gonna do.

Doesn't have to be
a competition, right?

- Right. Right?
- Right.

- Right?
- Right.

Both: Right.

So based on these phone records,

we think Ocampo
is definitely still in Brooklyn.

Unrelated question: Is it true

you still have a bullet
lodged in your hip

from your shootout with
the Canarsie Killer?

- No.
- Darn.

- It's in my jaw.
- Yes.

This is nice work, guys.

Who figured out
he was cloning his credit card?

- Oh, uh, couldn't tell you.
- I don't know.

Can't remember.
Yeah, can't recall.

We don't really keep score.

Yeah, we're super
non-competitive.

Great. So what's our next move?

How do we find this guy?

I say we tap
his brother's phone.

They're tight.
He'll definitely call.

Jake, you agree?

Yes, I think
that's a great idea.

Fully support that.
Totally love it.

The one thing
I will say, though,

is, it could take us a while
to get a warrant.

And we know
he's hard up for cash,

and we also know
that's his primary buyer,

so we could see
what this guy knows.

Both smart suggestions.
I say we do...

- Peralta's.
- Yes.

Sorry, it's... muscle spasm.

Whatever.

Diaz, you ride?

- Yeah, I got a supercharged R1.
- Engine?

4-stroke, in-line four
with dual overhead cams.

Wow, that's a lot of bike.

I ride a custom-6
L-capacity superbike.

What is that? Like, 180 horses?

210. Purrs like a puma in heat.

I also ride motorcycles.

Oh, yeah? What do you ride?

Oh, it's in the shop right now.

Yeah, the torque felt low,

so I was like,
"Bro, we gots to up the torque."

We all know how it is.

Anyways, I could talk about
my steel horse all darn day.

We got work to do. Rosa.

Sarge, Hitchcock and Scully
are out of control.

They got into a fight
over the ranch dressing,

and now it's everywhere.

I figured it out, Boyle.

They've been acting like kids,

so I'm gonna
treat 'em like kids.

Ooh, Daddy's gonna dish out
some Daddy discipline.

As a fellow daddy, I approve.

- Stop saying "daddy."
- You got it, Papa Bear.

Hmm, I actually
kinda like that one.

Makes me feel strong.

Anyway, I'm gonna take away
something they love

until they stop fighting.

Papa Bear punishment.
Daddy like!

Boyle! You two, up now!

I'm taking away the thing
you love most in the world.

Sitting.

You'll get your chairs back

when you apologize
to each other.

Fine. I'm sorry...

I ever met you, you bald freak!

Don't you push my desk,
you basic bitch!

Guys, enough. Guys...

- Freak!
- Biatch!

Oh, the ranch.
It's all over the floor.

- Oh!
- Oh!

Ocampo?

Nah, haven't seen him in months.

I don't know how to reach him.
Okay.

Then I guess we'll just set up
surveillance here full-time.

I'm sure your shady customers
will love that.

- Oh, well, I...
- Tell me where he is.

I'm gonna count to three.
There will not be a four.

Okay, fine,
he was here this morning,

but I didn't buy anything.

Here, he left this number
in case I change my mind.

Uh, thank you.

Here you go, Lieutenant.
"There will not be a four."

"Die Hard." Nice.

- You like "Die Hard"?
- Best movie ever.

Best franchise ever.

I even have the Justin Long one
on Blu-ray.

I saw the fifth one
in the theaters.

So did I! Wait, there was
only one other person there.

- Was that you?
- Atlantic Avenue?

No, but that would've been
a cool coincidence.

I also like "Die Hard."

Really, Rosa?
What's your favorite part?

- The shootouts.
- Interesting.

Vague and interesting.

But it's funny
'cause I always thought

your favorite movies
were made by Nancy Meyers.

- Seriously?
- What? No.

- I hate that crap.
- Really?

So you hate the one starring
Diane Keaton and John Wick?

What was it called again?
I don't know.

- "Something Has to Give"?
- "Something's Gotta Give."

I got ya.

Can I get a trace on
this number right away, please?

No need.
We know where Ocampo is.

We got the warrant
for Diaz's tap.

He called his brother
and arranged a meet-up.

It's about to go down.

So it looks like
my idea worked after all.

- Did it, though?
- Yes, it did.

Nice job, Diaz.

Come on, suit up, everyone.
We gotta go right away.

Sounds good.
Maybe we should take our bikes.

Cool idea, but is it
the best move tactically?

Yes, it is. That way,
we can slip through traffic.

Totally. However, as mentioned,

my hog is up in the torque shop,

just getting...
torqued up the hog,

so we should probably
just share one car over there.

Ah, I bet you Floppy Foot
will loan you his bike.

And yet, I don't want to
inconvenience Floppy Foot.

- Sure he wouldn't mind.
- Right.

Even so, it's not like
we have his keys.

- Uh, look at that.
- Let's go.

You found them. That's fun.

I can't wait
to drive this motorcycle

that I definitely
know how to drive.

♪

Too much torque!

Too much torque!

Santiago, I've been
your CO for four years.

By now, you should be able
to stand up for yourself,

even if that means
telling me off.

You're right.

Just say the word,
and I will tell you off.

Okay, tell me off
about losing your pen.

Oh. Right now?

Okay, well, it makes me
feel pretty annoyed.

- Good. Go on.
- It grates my cheese.

I mean, it just really
grates my cheese.

Grr!

Oh, Santiago, you're faking.

Faking? What?

Uh, did you hear that "grr"?

Just admit it.

Okay, fine,
I was faking the whole time,

but I only did it because
I wanted you to enjoy it.

That ruins it.

I mean, it's supposed to be
good for both of us.

It was good.
Just because I didn't get angry

doesn't mean I didn't get
anything out of it.

Yeah, but the whole point
is for you to get angry.

- Did you even get close?
- Uh...

What about your last CO?

Could he make you angry?
Well, he-

- You know what?
I don't wanna know.

Don't tell me.
I don't wanna know.

Did you find him?
Where is everybody?

They already left.
Ocampo wasn't here.

He must've heard us coming
or something.

Did you enjoy your ride over?
I think you know I didn't.

Well, maybe you shouldn't
have brought up Nancy Meyers.

Oh, okay,
I see what's happening.

This is a competition.
We're officially competing.

- Oh, yeah, we're competing.
- Fine, then it's on,

and I'm gonna crush you.
Also, I need a ride.

Can I please sit on
the back of your motorcycle?

- No.
- Well played.

Looks like I'm gonna find out

if a motorcycle
fits on the subway.

Ugh, I gotta find Ocampo
before Rosa does.

I'm so wound up! I can't focus!

Oh, are you flipping out
about Tiandra getting kicked off.

"So You Think You Can Dance"?
Definitely not.

Well, you should be.
Her Nay Nay was nonpareil.

I know what's happening.
I'm finally hydrated,

and it's unlocking
my brain's full potential.

It's too much for me.
I'm "Limitless" -ing.

I don't think
water makes you jittery.

It does if it's laced
with caffeine.

♪

You dosed my water?

You just drank
960 cups of coffee.

Oh, that esprains
why I no talk butter.

Me having stirk?

Good luck solving that case.

Why would you drink more?

My brain wants its fast juice.

Hey. Why are you in here?

I'm hiding from
Hitchcock and Scully.

I can't take anymore.

They got into a meatball fight
at breakfast.

They win. The bullpen is theirs.

No way, Papa Bear.

When Nikolaj
and his best friend fight,

I have them do
an activity together,

like a puppy puzzle.
Makes 'em cooperate.

So are you saying we give
Hitchcock and Scully a case

and make 'em work it together?

No, no, no, we give them...
a puppy puzzle.

Now let's go to town on 'em
daddy-style.

All right, I need you guys
to assemble this jigsaw puzzle

for a case I'm working on.

Why do we have to
do it together?

- Yeah.
- Uh... 'cause?

Can't argue with that.

Cooperation
instead of punishment.

Damn, Boyle,

that is some advanced level
parenting right there.

- I learned from the best...
- Thank you.

- Lorelai from "Gilmore Girls."
- Okay.

I guess being a daddy
just comes naturally to me.

Die!

- Hitchcock, no!
- Die!

How's it going?

Ah, I noticed your pupils
have stopped pulsating.

Yeah, because I found
the perfect antidote

to your little prank.

Sure, caffeine speeds you up,

but half-and-half
slows you down.

Ah, dairy.

You made one fatal mistake.

You forgot how gross I am.

Yep. Oh, now feels like
a good time to tell you

I dosed that half-and-half
with caffeine.

- Come on!
- What are you two up to?

- Being normal. Why?
- Not misbehaving. What?

- Huh, Skeezy J just called.
- Oh, did he pass his final?

No, but he said,
"Ocampo's in a warehouse

on the corner
of Richards and Lefferts."

Uh...

What's wrong, Rosa? Out of gas?

Yeah, it got all in my mouth.
It was horrible.

But still not as bad as water.
See ya never!

What's wrong, Jake?
Out of steering wheels?

You know that I am!
That's okay. I can run too.

Oh, the half-and-half
just met the gasoline.

They're not mixing well.

Sir, are you all right?

I failed you, Santiago.

I want my officers to
respect the chain of command,

but I never want anyone
to be so terrified of me

that they repress
basic emotions.

I'm a terrible captain.
Stop that.

You are not a terrible captain.

Santiago, face facts.
I'm garbage.

No, this is about me
and my issues with authority.

You've been great.
Wrong, I've been a disaster.

I can't believe you would
blame yourself for this.

- How stupid are you?
- So stupid.

I'm such a stupid head.
The fact that you think

this has anything
to do with you is insane.

Do you even...
Oh, my God, I'm yelling at you.

Yes, you are.
You're in the zone.

- Keep going.
- Oh, okay.

I can't believe you lost my pen.
That was careless and rude!

- And?
- And it was a real jerk move!

- Santiago! You did it!
- And I am so sick of you

playing your damn classical
music in your office all day.

It's too loud!
We can all hear it!

Okay, well, this has been...

You shut your mouth
when I'm talking to you.

- Santiago...
- Right, too far.

I'm sorry.
This is all very new for me.

Son of a bitch.

Where'd you find
a steering wheel?

I didn't.

I had a Frisbee in the trunk,
and I taped it on.

That's right.

I MacGyvered
the donk out of this thing,

and it worked flawlessly.

Actually, I hit a ton of stuff
on the way over here.

It was awful. Of course you did.

- Yeah.
- Whatever.

This is the warehouse.

Listen, I know
we're competing, but...

We can't let him get away.
We should work this together.

Okay, but the second
that we find him...

We go back to being arch rivals.

No two ways about it.

Yep, I'll boil your flesh
and drink from your skull.

Yeah, totally.
I'll do that to you too,

if I win. We're both lunatics.

NYPD! Down on the ground!

Ocampo, freeze!

♪

What are you doing?

He went outside.
Feels like a setup.

I mean, he could have
opened the door

but stayed inside to trick us.

No way.
This guy is not that smart.

We could split up,
follow our hunches.

Winner takes all.

♪

Dummy.

♪

NYPD! Put your hands
where I can see them!

Oh, my God.

♪

Damn it.

♪

You're under arrest.

Also, I'm gonna have to pee
while I hold you at gunpoint.

I've been drinking
so much water.

Hey.

Before we take Ocampo
over to the Slaughterhouse,

I just wanted to
make sure you were okay,

'cause you are sharpening
that knife very intensely.

Makes me feel better.

I'm the same way
with "MAD" magazine

and "Cracked" magazine.
Ah, they're both so good.

Tough to pick.
I mean, "MAD" is the original,

but "Cracked"...
They've always got a take.

Okay, I'm done. Let's go.

Wait.

Look, I know it sucks
there's only one spot,

but working for Hawkins
is my dream.

I mean, she takes down the
biggest criminals in the city.

I get it. Dude, it's just,

our captain's a man,
our sergeant's a man.

Every superior officer
I've ever had has been a man.

It just seemed cool
to work for a badass woman

like Hawkins for once,
but whatever, I'm good.

Also, I spiked your gum
with caffeine.

How?

Face it, Charles,

we couldn't make 'em get along.

We failed as parents.

Why did I think
I knew what I was doing?

Poor Nikolaj.
His life is ruined.

My God, you two are fools.

Your folly was in
treating them as children.

Of course, we should've been
treating 'em like adults.

No, wrong again.

They're not children.
They're not adults.

They're animals...
Filthy, wild animals...

And they need to be
treated accordingly.

Stop it! Stop it!
Stop it right now!

But he won't let me...

You two gonna be friends now?
No? Okay, fine, yeah.

Who wants a cookie?
Ah, let me hear you apologize.

- I'm sorry.
- Uh, better apology, please.

I'm sorry for neglecting
our friendship.

You're my best friend.
Your turn.

Well, I'm sorry too.
You're my best friend.

Good boys!

Stay. Stay, stay.

Eat it!

God, I'm gonna make
a great dad someday.

- You got Ocampo?
- Oh, yeah,

and you'll never guess
where we found him.

In the bathroom... not going.

He was hiding.
I ruined the story.

Did he give you any info about
the Golden Gang bank robbers?

No, we thought
we'd leave that to you.

Well, I appreciate that.

So who found him?

Who's gonna join my squad? Jake.

Thank you, Rosa,
for introducing me.

Yes, I am Jake,
and I'm announcing that

the person joining your
task force is Detective Diaz.

What? No, you found him.

Because you said
we should split up.

It was the correct call.

Yeah, but you brought him in.
You won.

Agree to disagree.
I say you won.

- I think you won.
- I say you won.

- Dude, you clearly won...
- Shut up!

You've got each other's backs.
I like that.

Loyalty is the most
important thing to me,

so I tell you what I'm gonna do.

How about I'm gonna put you
both on the task force?

- Oh, okay, whatever.
- That works, I guess.

It's fine idea.
Not that we really cared.

I wasn't really listening.
What are we talking about?

- Ah! We got it!
- Ah!

Wait a minute. Are we hugging?
Have we ever done this before?

No, and if you tell anyone,
I'll slit your throat.

- Oh.
- Thank you so much, Jake.

Please.
I'm just glad you finally

get to work for a woman
as badass as you are.

And as a man,
I'd like to apologize

for my gender's history...
Don't ruin it.

- Okay.
- Come on, I'll buy you a drink

that doesn't have
any pills in it.

Sounds good, but I wish
you hadn't mentioned liquid.

Now I have to pee. I promise you

I will never drink water
ever again.

- Thank God.
- It's the worst. BRB.

♪

Did you tell 'em anything?

No, they have no idea
what's really going on.

Pretty.

See how much you can
get me for these, hmm?

Try not to get caught this time.

Oh, no.

She dirty.

Not a doctor. Shh.