All language subtitles for Brooklyn Nine-Nine - 04x10

Thank you for joining me
for what promises to be

the diggity-dopest tree lighting
in the history of the Nine-Nine.

I don't understand.
Where's the tree?

It was inside us all along.
Brilliant, Jake.

No, Charles, not everything
was inside of us all along.

The tree is right here.

Cool. Can we go now?

Obviously not. Behold,

the greatest inflatable tree
that 'Murica has to offer.

And now, in the immortal words
of Saint Nick,

turn on the compressor.

You hear that?
It's the sound of Christmas.

It's deafening.

It's getting really big.

What size tree did you get?

It's a jumbo.

It says it's ten meters tall.

- That's...
- Roughly 32.81 feet.

Someone unplug it,
unplug it now.

We can't.
It swallowed its own plug!

Everybody run!

Okay,
the tree has been contained.

Wait, we left a man behind.

Jake!

Well, Terry's trapped
in the break room forever.

Only thing we can do now
is move on with our lives.

It's what Terry would've wanted.

Aah!

God bless us, every one?

Yeah!

All: Yeah!

♪

Ah, the Boyles are here.
Good tidings.

Genevieve, hello,
you're looking...

Sexy as a minx.

I was gonna say "festive,"
due to the scarf.

The bra underneath is insane.

- It is.
- Okay.

Parenthood has not changed
you two.

Hey there, Nikolaj, my man.

How you doing?
Hi, Jake, we made Daddy

Latvian Christmas cookies.
Want one?

- You bet I do.
- The potato really

brings out the vinegar.
Neither of those

are cookie things.
I'm just gonna put that back.

So, you excited for Christmas,
bud?

- Yeah, I'm so excited.
- This is Nikolaj's

first Christmas because the
orphanage kept cancelling it.

Once it was blizzards, one it
was fires, and once it was...

- Famine.
- That's right, famine.

- Oh.
- Papa promised me

the best present ever:
A Captain Latvia action figure!

Whoa, Captain Latvia?
What's his superpower?

Can he talk to moose?
No, possums.

- Worse.
- It's a very difficult toy

to get in America,
so I was worried

when Charles told Nikolaj
he would get him one.

I said, keep it a surprise,
so you don't build up

his expectations,
but Charles said, "No way",

I want to build expectations."
Well, we all remember

the conversation.
Well, work time for Daddy.

I'll see you guys later.
Okay, I love you guys so much.

- Love you.
- All right.

- Bye.
- Christmas is gonna be amazing!

Christmas is gonna suck.
I don't have the present.

What? But you promised Nikolaj.

I ordered it a month ago
from a Latvian toy store,

and it still hasn't arrived yet.

The shipping company is
giving me the runaround.

All right, so just get him
a different present,

like a Jet Ski or... a hammer.

I don't know what kids are into.

Genevieve and I worked so hard

to get Nikolaj to trust us
when we brought him home.

That's gonna be destroyed,

the way dry rot
destroyed his orphanage.

- Trust me, it's gonna be fine.
- Really?

'Cause you said that
about "Die Hard 5," Jake.

Oh.

It's not gonna be fine.

Finally, let's talk about
community outreach.

Does anyone have
any ideas about...

All: ♪ Fa-la-la-la-la,
la la la la ♪

Who are these
golden-throated dorks?

- It's the MTA.
- That's right.

The Metropolitan
Transit Authority.

I assumed you've climbed out
of your rat tunnels

to taunt us about tonight's
charity caroling competition.

No, no, no, of course not.

We're here to wish you luck,
since every year we...

♪ Kick...
- ♪ Your

all: ♪ Butts

Enough.
You may have bested us before,

but throttle back
your ambitions.

Our voices are...

- ♪ Better?
- ♪ Awesome

- ♪ Sing!
- ♪ Scully!

That was terrible.

I hope you're more prepared
tonight,

or else we'll have to file
a missing persons report.

First name: "Your."

- Last name: "Dignity."
- Mm.

Come on, crew,
let's hit the rails and buses.

Both great ways
to get around the city.

I hate that we lose to those

pasty-assed mole people
every year.

Oh, there's no point in
mincing your words.

They're knaves!

Captain, you kiss Kevin
with that mouth?

You bet I do. And tonight,

I'm gonna sing with it.

We're taking down the MTA.

- Charles, what are you doing?
- Jah-nakeh.

- What?
- Jah-keh.

No idea what you're saying.
Why aren't you wearing a jacket?

Oh, jacket, got it.

♪

Aw, it's freezing.
What are you doing out here?

I'm on the phone
with Melvin's Import-Exports,

the bastards who lost
my Captain Latvia.

Now wrap me in your arms,
I need body heat.

All right.

- And you're nestling.
- Ugh, first those jerks said

they lost my package,
then they said they found it,

then they had me on hold
for three hours.

This is the only place
I get reliable reception.

- I'm unwrapping for a sec.
- No, why?

'Cause I need my fingers
to save the day

like a fricking hero.

And... boom.
Melvin's import is in Queens.

Let's just go there right now.
Oh, so they could just

walk all over me in person
instead of on the phone?

Face it, Jake, I'm weak.
What? Don't talk like that.

You're very strong, all right?
And you're a parent now,

which makes you even stronger.

I mean, think about
all those moms

who literally lift buses
off their kids every day.

Oh, so you're saying I should

tap into my mommy strength.

Yeah, or daddy strength,
but whatever.

Right, time to put some daddy
into my mommy.

Gotta be a better way
to phrase that, let's go.

Okay, let's review
our simple harmonies.

When I point at you,
hit your note.

♪ La - ♪ La

♪ La

both: ♪ La

Okay. That was horrible.

Because I didn't
get a chance to rap.

♪ Pop, pop, droppin' bodies

♪ It's a stickup you punk a... ♪

No, Hitchcock,
there's no rapping.

You've grossly misread
the situation.

Maybe we just need to
practice more.

I, for one, felt like
I was a teeny bit off.

Don't fool yourself, Santiago.

You were the most off
of everyone.

That's enough.
Sure, we're untrained.

Yes,
our voices sound like garbage,

and, yes, the MTA has
a huge head start on us,

and it's embarrassing.

But you know what?

We're the Nine-Nine.

And nothing can stand
in our way.

She's right.

We're gonna beat their butts
tonight.

Oh, tonight?

Tonight, tonight?

Yeah, I can't.

I have "Hamilton" tickets.
Oh, well.

Good luck. Peace.

I'm out too.

I mean, if we're just gonna
be humiliated, I don't s...

Wait, shut up. Did you just tell

yourself to shut up?
Yeah, now you shut up too.

- Listen.
- ♪ Mother and child...

- You hear that?
- It's an angel

who will save us.

♪ Tender and mild...

It's coming from the bullpen.

♪ Sleep in heavenly peace

Who's singing?

Is it one of
the uniformed officers?

No, it is not.

♪ Heavenly peace

- Our angel's a criminal.
- And our angel is drunk.

The angel puked.

- Hey, you Melvin?
- I am, who are you?

I'm Charles, from being
on hold, and I want my package.

Yeah, I already told you,
that package isn't here.

Well, I made a sacred promise
to my son, and you're not

gonna make a liar out of me, so
why don't you take another look?

We'll wait.
'Cause we've got all...

night... long.

- Damn.
- Oh, I don't know

if you knew this,
but... I'm a cop.

So maybe this time,
don't lie to me.

Hey, I didn't know
you guys were police.

Well, now you do, genius.

- How do you keep doing that?
- I don't know.

All right, all right, hold on.
Look, there's a Latvian gang,

okay, the Gals Skepu.
They smuggle guns

in containers
that come from Latvia.

Sometimes there's
other packages that get lost

in the process, okay?
If you want to find yours,

you gotta find them.
Gunrunning gangsters, huh?

Well, looks like we're
gonna take down the Latvian mob.

Hell yeah, we are.

Is it bleeding?

- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
- Charles, is it bleeding?

- Thanks, Melvin.
- I want a Band-Aid.

- Hey.
- Hey.

I just talked to Crawford
from Organized Crime.

Apparently, the Gals Skepu
are major gun-runners

on the east coast.
Their leader's got

an office in the back.
Also, great chest hair.

Ah, Genevieve calls it
"the plume of Boyle."

Aww, that's so yucky.

Hey, do you think
this shirt is offensive?

I'm just not sure
how it fits into my ensemble.

Come on, focus, Jake.

My boy's happiness is at stake.

I mean, read the email
Genevieve just sent me.

Skip the part about her bra.

Impossible,
it's in all caps, bolded.

- Oh.
- Here we go: "Nik-Nik is so"

excited you're getting him
Captain Latvia."

And then there's a photo of him
karate chopping a cat.

Oh, yeah, that's Captain
Latvia's move, the Riga Hammer.

You hit a guy here,
he goes down instantly.

- Sounds a little far-fetched.
- Okay, well, tell that

to Captain Latvia's enemies.
Oh, wait, you can't

because they're unconscious.
Okay, the door is guarded

by the mob.
You wanna figure out our plan?

Already did.

Mommy's gonna talk her way in.

Hey there, jokers.
I got a joke for you:

What did one Estonian farmer
say to the other?

Our crop yields
are so much smaller

than that of mighty Latvia.

Okay. Come on in.

Oh, laughing is fun.

The question on the table is,
do we add a velvet-voiced

drunkard to our caroling group,
or do we lose miserably like

a bunch of miserable losers?

I say we do it,
and I'm the boss.

Therefore, meeting adjourned.

I can't believe you're even
considering this, Captain.

The guy's a criminal.

Barely.
It was public intoxication.

All he did was pee on
a couple snowmen.

And one regular man.

Plus, it'll count toward
his community service.

In a certain way,
we'll be furthering

the cause of justice.

Santiago, breaking the rules
makes you all sweaty.

You can't be okay with this.

These pits are bone-dry.
The drunk sings.

The drunk sings.

Thank you very much.
Did you unbutton another button?

Eyes up here, Jake.
So, did you learn anything,

or were you just staring at
my body the whole time?

Weird, but I did find out
who the manager is,

and I'm almost positive
she's got a key to

the back office on her
right now.

Her name is Svetlana.

Thanks. I'll take it from here.

Wait, Charles,
she doesn't speak any English,

and we don't wanna
blow our cover.

Do you speak any Latvian?
Well, I learned a few phrases

for Nikolaj, but I'm not
gonna use words with Svetlana.

Don't say you're
gonna use your musk.

- I'm gonna use my musk.
- Okay.

It's a pretty juicy crowd
out there.

Okay, everyone,
remember your role.

Patrick, solos.
Scully, mouth percussion.

Rosa, mouth percussion.
Amy, silent mouth percussion...

I can't even mouth percuss?

No. Terry, mouth percussion.

Hitchcock... stay backstage.
You got it.

We walk out one by one,
bum-bum-bumming,

then Patrick sings us
to victory.

Ladies and gentlemen,
put your hands together for.

"The 99th Precinct."

all: ♪ Bum, bum, bum
bum, bum, bum ♪

♪ Bum, bum, buuum

Now, Patrick. Now.

Mm-mm.
Mm-mm, no, too many people.

Too many.

Sir, say something.

I'm sorry, but there's been
a police emergency.

There's a bomb.

Not here, far away,
but they still need us.

So... Merry Christmas.

And... don't think about
the bomb.

Bye.

- That sounded great.
- Not now, Hitchcock.

What the hell happened
out there, Patrick?

I'm really sorry.
There were so many people.

I-I got stage fright.
I don't get it.

You had no problem singing
in front of the entire precinct.

I was drunk.

Alcohol gives me
the courage to sing.

And the courage to
pee on snow people.

Well, well, well.

I made a couple calls,

and imagine my surprise
when I found out

that the only bomb out there
was you guys.

Yeah, well, it looks like
the only train in here

- is the train.
- Tell him, Amy.

Train, training,
training wheels.

You're circling,
find it, find it.

Wheels! You are wheels.

Nope.

♪

Fantastic dancer.

♪

Wow, Boyle, you got more moves
than Bobby Fischer

who I saw a documentary
about last week.

Flattery will get you
everywhere, Jake.

Follow me.
I figure we got 15 minutes

before the pheromones wear off,

and she realizes I took the key.

I was spraying 'em
like a skunk out there.

Ugh.

I got nothing.
No shipping records,

no addresses,
nothing about illegal guns,

and nothing about
Captain Latvia.

Well, they're obviously
not gonna broadcast

what they did with
Captain Latvia.

They're not fools. We should go.

We've been here too long.
This is getting dangerous.

Well, danger is my maiden name.

- Middle name.
- So you better keep looking,

because I'm not gonna
let my kid down, not tonight.

Ugh.

Crap, we've got company.

I told you we had to leave.

I found a tablet.
This could be something.

Hey, thank God you're here.

Do you think
this shirt is offensive?

Do the Riga Hammer.

But that's not a real thing.

Ahh!

Jake!

Oh, you wanna
do this in Latvian?

Fine.

Oh!

What were you guys
talking about?

Did he think
the shirt was racist?

So, pretty crazy how you

took out that Latvian
mob guy back there.

I know, I felt like a
superhero, like the Hulk's mom.

- Why the mom?
- Hey, is there anything

on that tablet that will
lead us to his toy?

I don't know, it's locked,
but don't worry.

Our tech guys will
get it open in no time.

Pssh, I don't have time
for those dorks.

What?
But you love Ted and Craig.

You fly kites with them
every weekend.

They're good guys.
Give me the damn tablet!

What?
No, Charles, you're driving.

Ugh. 1234? Nope.

- 5555? Damn it.
- Stop.

If you keep getting it wrong,
we're gonna get

locked out forever.
That's a risk I have to take.

Boom, did it, 5683.
Fifth most common

pass code this year.
It spells...

"Love." - "Fart." Yep, "love."

Now find me something
I could use.

Never thought I'd have to say
"a please would be nice,"

but okay. Oh, here we go.

There are a bunch of messages

about a warehouse
in Crown Heights.

Crown Heights,
that's where we're going.

Hey, Charles,

that was a yellow light!
I proceeded with caution.

All: ♪ Glory to
the new born king ♪

Those MTA jerks just texted us
a GIF of a cartoon

subway train mooning a cop.
They sent it from the stage.

We cannot let this stand.

But there's no way
we can beat them.

What do we do?

My rapping's still on the table.

It's not even
in the dining room.

We need a new singer.

I hate to say this,

but I think we should withdraw
from the competition.

Smart, then we can sit
in the audience

and throw batteries
at those MTA-holes.

Guys, personally,
I think we should go out there

and just sing our best.

Caroling isn't about competing.

It's about having fun together.

Well, now that you put it
that way, Scully,

it makes me realize
Rosa and Terry are right.

I say we quit the competition

and hurl projectiles at the MTA.

What's up, y'all?

Guess who just saved your asses?

That's right.

Miss Not Good Enough
To Audibly Percuss.

- Who?
- Me! I saved the flipping day.

Got Patrick drunk, listen.

♪ I can sing

Are you serious, Santiago?

That is ethically questionable.

Ugh.

It's a bus pooping on
a police car.

Let's beat those bastards.

Okay, this looks like the place.

Now, let's get in there
and take down some bad boys.

Hell yes, let's do that,
in 10 minutes

after backup arrives,
and not until then.

Look, I want this to be
a very special day for Nikolaj.

There's a gang
of armed men in there,

and we've done zero recon.

I won't let you go in,
I mean it.

All right.

We'll wait for back up.

Great, thank you.

♪

Only I'm not waiting.

What? Charles, no.

Charles, stop scooching.

I am going to scooch.
You don't tell me

when to scooch. I can't get by.

Curse my beautiful bubble butt.
See, all Boyle men are blessed

with a flat ass,
which is perfect for scooching.

- Why are you acting this way?
- 'Cause I made a promise

to my son.
You can't understand 'cause

you're not a father.
You never will be.

- Hey, yes, I will!
- When, Jake?

We're all waiting.

What are we even
arguing about now?

It's about me
saving Christmas, duh.

Oh, damn it,
my pants are snagged,

Ha-hah!
Now you have to wait for backup.

No, I don't.

I'm gonna shimmy them off.

Oh, God, the eye contact
is the worst part.

♪

Ah.

I told you, Jake.

I'll do anything
to perk up my little man.

You gotta know how gross
that sounds in your underwear.

Thank you for
allowing us to return.

Turns out there wasn't a bomb.

It was a clock made by an
over-achieving minority student.

What a world we live in.

Now let's sing.

All: ♪ Bum, bum, bum.
Bum, bum, bum. ♪

♪ Bum, bum, buuum

♪ Joy to the world,
the Lord is come ♪

♪ Let Earth receive her king

♪ Let everyone

♪ Eat my farts

Yeah, I said it.
New York City sucks.

Hoboken for life! Whoo!

All:

Can't talk right now, Jake.
I'm a busy little bee.

Wait, wait, wait. Don't hang up.

Just tell me what's going on

so I know where to send
backup when it arrives.

Uh, I'm north
of the loading bay.

I have eyes on the shipment.
There are only ten guys.

Only? That's too many guys.

They're removing guns.

All right, they're taking
the other boxes...

Oh, no, they're burning them.
They're gonna

burn Captain Latvia.
I have to go right now.

It's too risky.
They have a ton of weapons.

Doesn't matter.
I'm going in there,

and no one can stop me.

The Riga Hammer. It works.

Ugh, where am I?

Why the hell am I wearing pants?

Oh, I put 'em back on you
after I Riga Hammered you.

Yeah, it works.

- Insane.
- Oh...

Look, I couldn't let you
go in there solo.

I'm sorry, I feel terrible
for saving your life.

Enough of your dumb apologies,
Jake.

SWAT's here, we have to
move on these guys now.

No, Charles, you
know what I realized

when I saw you
standing over there

in your underwear?

That my butt is like
a sexy piece of drywall?

What? No, eww.

You guys gonna be much longer?
It's Christmas Eve.

Just give us one sec, Marv.

No, what I realized is,
the best gift

you can give Nikolaj
is not Captain Latvia.

- What?
- It's you, being there

with him, alive.
But I promised him...

Yeah, but you also promised him

you were gonna be his father.
I'm worried

we're gonna lose tactical.
Back off, Marv, we get it.

- Come on, Marvin.
- Look, we can handle this

without you... just go home.
Thanks, Jake.

And I'm sorry I said
you'll never be a dad.

You will be, and you can
make it happen tonight.

Just go to Amy and make sure
afterwards that she holds

her knees to her chest
for at least...

All right,
I think I'm good on this.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

All right, Marv,

be honest with me.

What do you think of this shirt?

It's a little inappropriate.

I knew it. All right,

let's just go on three. Ready?

One, two, go, go, go,
go, go, go.

Once again,
the MTA has bested us.

We should never have trusted
a Hoboken drunk.

"Hamilton" was amazing!

How is no one talking about
this musical?

It's so good.

Wow, you guys look more upset
than Aaron Burr, sir.

That's from the musical
"Hamilton,"

which I just discovered,
basically.

We lost the caroling
competition.

And now we hate singing.

Almost as much as
we hate the MTA.

Yeah, so we should prank call
their tip line

with a series of
well-crafted insults.

We should toilet paper
their houses.

- With rocks.
- Come on, guys.

Getting back at people isn't
what Christmas is all about.

It's about being together,
as a family.

So you can plot your petty
revenge, but I, for one,

am gonna carol my heart out.

I'm sorry, I didn't hear
a word you just said.

That stain on your pants looks
exactly like Bryan Cranston.

- That's who it is.
- Ooh, that's right.

Yeah, been staring at it
for an hour.

- That's it.
- Oh.

- Hey.
- Jake, what happened?

Well, we arrested 12 guys,

confiscated 35
automatic weapons,

and I found Captain Latvia.

You did? Oh, my God!

Uh, melted.
I found him extremely melted.

And grotesque.
Probably should've

strung that together faster.
Well, that's okay.

You taught me that Christmas
isn't about presents.

No, forget all that crap.
Presents rule.

Here, give him this. From you.

It's a police man,
just like you, Papa.

This is the
coolest present ever.

"I'm Detective Papa,
and I'm going to go

to the Farmers Market.
I hope they have aged Gouda."

Oh, my God, I'm melting.

I'm literally
turning into a puddle.

Genevieve, hold me.

I got you, babe.

Oh, honey, that flat ass is
perched right on top of my ute.

I'm gonna pretend
none of that was said

for the sake of the child.

Wait a minute, is that... Scully?

♪ Five golden rings

♪ Four calling birds, three
French hens, two turtle doves ♪

♪ And a partridge
in a pear tree ♪

Hey, guys, thought I'd spread
the Christmas cheer.

Cool, so you're just
out here caroling solo?

Yeah,
I guess you could say that.

No, you can't. He's not solo.

- You guys came.
- Damn right we did.

A one, a two,
a one, two, three...

all: ♪ Dashing through the snow
in a one-horse open sleigh ♪

They're really
bad singers, Papa.

Yes, they are. They're horrible.

All: ♪ Bells on bobtail ring,
making spirits ♪

- Not a doctor.
- Shh.