All language subtitles for Brooklyn Nine-Nine - 04x09

Hey there, Boyle.
How was your weekend?

Well, actually I got
a little sick.

Oh, really?
I'm sorry to hear that, man.

Yeah, "Bullets over
Broadway" was on TV.

And I came down with a big ol'
Dianne Wiest infection.

Like "yeast."

♪

So I'll coordinate with
the transit cops while you

follow up with the DA's off...
Uh, can I help you,

Captain Stentley?
Oh, hey, uh, did you guys

see a black backpack
sitting around anywhere?

- I did not.
- No.

Aww, shoot, this is turning
out to be a real cluster-biff.

Why? What's in the backpack?

Uh, just some evidence.
Do you guys know

a drug dealer named Flaco?
Oh, yeah, he's a bigtime

supplier, consolidated half
the territory in Brooklyn.

Well, the bag belongs
to one of his runners,

and it contains, like, a
football's worth of cocaine...

I'm not good with sizes...
And a cell phone.

And you think that
the cell phone might

have intel that could
lead us to Flaco.

I do now. That's a great theory!

Whoa.
But the bag is missing, so...

Hey, how big of a deal is it
if I, um, if I never find it?

- I'd say it's a very...
- Ah-uh-uh-uh.

Sugarcoat it for me.
Okay, um, no biggie.

Ahh, that is great news.
Thank you so much.

Hey, if you see
something, say something.

Oh, that is catchy, huh?
It's like, I just

made up a hit song.
Nope, very common

police expression.
♪ If you see somethin'

♪ Say somethin',
come on and party tonight ♪

This is our chance.
If C.J. can't find that

evidence, he could be fired.
This could be our way

back onto the day shift.
♪ Come on and party tonight

Wow! It's actually

a really catchy song.
There's nothing to celebrate.

Captain Stentley is going to
find that evidence

because we're gonna help him.
What? No, this is our chance

to undermine him.
Come on and party tonight.

Peralta, we're police officers.

We have a duty
to protect this city.

We took an oath, a sacred oath.
What if those drugs end up

on the street or a dangerous
criminal is set free

because of missing evidence?

Okay, you know, you're trying
to say it's whatever

because you just...

You're fumfering.
Of course I'm fumfering.

Fine, we'll find the bag.
Come on and party tonight.

Damn it.

Hey, guys, department has
a new green initiative.

We have to reduce
energy usage by 15%.

That means no more
laminating, Santiago.

Oh, that's fine.
It's not the thing

that gives me the most
pleasure in life.

Interacting with other people,
that's what gets me going.

Scully, Hitchcock,
lose the chocolate fountain.

What are we supposed to
dip our strawberries in?

Our nacho cheese fountain?
That's crazy.

Unless...

Sarge, you beautiful bastard.
Get rid of 'em.

And, Gina, you can't run
that space heater 24/7 anymore.

Space heater? Excuse me, this is

a Fornax Radiant Comfort System,
and her name is Jacinta.

Okay, well, Jacinta's gotta go.

- He didn't mean that, darling.
- Seriously, turn off

- the space heater.
- No.

- Do it, now. That's an order.
- Yeah, well, you don't wanna

start a battle of the wills
with Gina Linetti because

you will emerge from that battle
a broken man.

Not to brag,
but I was name-checked

in my kindergarten teacher's
suicide note.

Oh, my God.

Any luck finding
the missing backpack?

No, but I did find C.J.'s
wallet, badge, and gun

on top of the
toilet paper dispenser.

I'm assuming he doesn't
know they're missing.

- Mm.
- Why are you helping

this guy, sir?
He's the opposite of

everything you stand for.
His favorite expression

is "that's gonna leave a mark."

And he doesn't even
use it right.

Whoo, that soup is good.
That's gonna leave a mark.

What?

Well, he's not our best,
but I won't be part of

any sneaky subterfuge
designed to undermine him.

You think you're so great
just 'cause you always do

what's good and right.
Well, I've got news

for you: Ya boring.
- You know who else

was called "boring"?
Andreas Marggraf.

And you know what he did?
He discovered zinc,

because you've used that one on
me before because,

uh, ya boring.

Well, if I'm so boring,
how come I have a lead?

Come take a look at this.
This is security footage

from the day the backpack
went missing.

11:00 a.m., the bag's
over a chair.

Now let's fast forward
and see what happened to it.

Wait, that was two hours?
Where's C.J. during all this?

♪ You have the right to
remain silent ♪

♪ Come on and party tonight.
♪ Party tonight

The guy's got good hooks.
I mean, right?

Wait, who's this guy?
Flaco must've sent someone

to get the backpack,
and they just waltzed right in

and took it out of the precinct.
Oh, C.J. is in so much trouble.

You think that disapproving
glare works on me

after all the times
I've seen it?

Step it up, find something new,
ya boring.

'Ello, me lady.
It's your matey lil'

Charlie Boyle, innit, love?

Ugh, it's 2:00 a.m.,

and we're working.
How can you be so happy?

Because I figured out the secret
of surviving the night shift.

You see, this little piggy
went to the warehouse.

This little piggy went with him.
This little piggy was like...

Stop, just stop and say whatever

you are saying another way.
I found a 24 hour

foot massage parlor,
and it's amazing.

It's the best experience
you've ever had.

You're just like, mmm...

Ahh, wha?

Wouldn't stop making
that noise, man.

Let me take you,
let me show you the greatest

and only pleasure
of the night shift.

Pass, I'd rather die than have
a stranger touch my bare feet.

I'm telling you,
once they get get

their strong fingers
in your toe gaps,

it's just mmm...

Uh, that's on me,

shouldn't have
had my eyes closed.

Hey, C.J., you upset

about something, man?
Maybe something in your career?

Yeah, I told the brass
that I lost the bag

and I screwed up
the whole Flaco case,

and you were wrong,
it was a biggie.

Yeah, well, you told me
to sugarcoat it.

- And whose fault it that, Jake?
- Yours.

- I know.
- Okay, so what happened?

I mean, they couldn't have
fired you, right?

That'd be crazy.
I mean, they could,

for sure, they had every
reason to, but did they?

- Did they fire you?
- Worse.

They're pulling my transfer.
What transfer, what now?

Oh, I've just been feeling
overwhelmed with this job,

and I don't know
if you've noticed,

but I'm a little
in over my head.

- Completely unqualified, yeah.
- It is so cool that you get me.

- Yeah.
- Anyway, I heard that they

were hiring a head administrator
at the Police Academy,

so I put in for it.
Wait, you wanna

train other officers?
Well, the nine years

at the academy were some of
the best years of my life.

- That's a six-month program.
- Sure, for a lot of people.

Anyway, they said that
the job was mine,

and now they're pissed,
so it looks like

I'm stuck here forever.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

All is not lost.
We can still fix this.

So, sure, maybe you can't
get back the backpack,

but you could do
something even better.

Like, what if you
single-handedly

figure out who Flaco is and
then you take him down.

Oh, come on, Jake.

I'll just screw it up
like I screw up everything else.

No, you won't,
because I will be there

to help you, but don't worry,
you'll still get all the credit.

Listen to me, C.J., we're gonna
get you the hell out of here.

Are you sugarcoating
this for me?

I most certainly am not.

Whoo, that's gonna leave a mark.

Ahh.

So, Captain, I've been
thinking about this whole

missing backpack thing,
and what if we find Flaco

and take him down?
Oh, are you trying to solve.

C.J.'s case behind his back
to embarrass him?

No, not at all.
In fact, I think C.J.

should come along.
I just realized how important

my duty as a police officer
is to me, you know?

The sacred oath I took.
Your speech really inspired me.

Well, it was one of
my better ones.

Felt really good
as I was saying it.

- Yeah.
- So what's the plan, son?

Well, Dad, we don't know
where Flaco is, but I have

a C.I. who says he's got an
agreement with Marco Severino.

So you think we should pose
as drug dealers looking for

a new heroin supplier
and get Severino

to hook us up with Flaco.
And you think.

C.J. can handle this mission.
I know he's inexperienced,

but he's a creative guy.

I think he'd be great
undercover.

Okay, muchachos, let's roll up
on these muchachos.

Great start, and I love
your double use of "muchachos."

Hey, it's C.J., by the way.

Oooh, that's a nice lam job.

This one goes on the blog.

Hey, Sarge, what up, bro?

"What up, bro?"
You're laminating

in here, aren't you? I'm sorry.

I just love it so much.

It's okay, I'm used to it.
No one listens to me.

I'm a lousy sergeant.
What? No, don't say that.

Why would you say that?
If I tell you something,

you promise not to
tell anyone else?

- Of course.
- You know how I took

the lieutenant's exam last week?
Uhhuh.

I just found out I didn't pass.

Oh, no, but you shouldn't
feel bad, only like 10%

of people pass on the first try.

I know, and I'm all exhausted

because of the night shift,
plus my bathroom break

during the test took a little
longer than anticipated.

May I use the restroom, please?

Uh-oh, nothing to see here.

Excuse me, I'm sorry.
Little desk.

That's why they say
"it's test time, so diaper up."

They say that,
I've never said that.

I've never worn a diaper during
test. Who would wear

a diaper during a test?
That's ridiculous, I mean...

- Santiago.
- Sorry, look, don't give up

on the green initiative.
You're a great sergeant.

You'll get everyone on board.
Not Gina.

Yes, Gina. You can handle her.
You can do this.

Sarge, it's test time.

Diaper up.

Thank you for coming along
with me on this manhunt.

I needed your help. No problem,

who are we looking for?
He's a onearmed smuggler

from the dunes of Tunisia.
He goes by the name

of Señor Riff Raff.
You're taking me

to that foot massage place.
I am taking you

to the foot massage place.
I made that whole thing up.

- Shocking.
- Look, the night shift

hasn't been easy on any of us.

Let me make it slightly better

by paying a strong-handed woman

to literally milk
the stress from your feet.

Just shut up, I'll do it once.

- Yes!
- As long as you promise

to never ever talk about
foot milk again.

- Deal, you're gonna love it.
- I guarantee you, I won't.

Both: Mmm.

All right, that's
Severino's restaurant.

My C.I. says he's in there.
Whoo, I'm pumped. I'm ready.

Um, just out of curiosity,
how... how scared are you guys?

- Not at all. How about you?
- I'm terrified,

but, you know,
I just keep telling myself,

worst comes to worst, just
start shooting things, you know?

I think it might be better
if you stayed in the van.

Wait, are you
trying to sideline me?

- Yes.
- Oh, thank God.

But just because you're

in the van doesn't mean
you're not an important

part of the mission.
Your job will be

to keep an eye on
the restaurant.

And, if anybody suspicious
walks in, you just...

Run everybody over
with the van and then

back up if they're still moving.

Don't try and guess
where I'm going with it.

You keep an eye on the door.
If anyone suspicious walks in,

let us know in our ear pieces.
Oh, I could

do that, absolutely.
You know, actually I saw

those ear pieces on "Ellen."
One time, Justin Bieber was on,

and he was supposed to be, like,
a security guard, only...

C.J., I'm loving the story,
but we gotta go in.

- I'll finish later.
- TBC.

Thanks for hand-laminating,
Santiago.

Of course, if you ask me,
saving energy is trending.

Oh, Gina, didn't see you there.
Gina, did you shut off

your space heater yet?
Space heater...

Doesn't ring any bells. Jacinta.

Oh, no, she's still
going strong.

I will take that thing away
from you by force, if necessary.

- Well, come and get it.
- Seriously?

The heater's under your skirt?
Maybe. You can't prove that.

Yeah, I can.
There's a cord running under it,

and I think you may be on fire.
Mm, so?

- What do you mean "so"?
- I'm not giving up Jacinta.

You are on fire, Gina.
You do not have the upper hand

in this situation.
I always have the upper hand.

Not when there's flames
shooting out of your butt!

Especially when there's flames
shooting out of my butt.

Damn it.

How the hell
did I lose that one?

- Hey, you Severino?
- Who wants to know?

I'm Cal, this is Billy.
We used to buy from Rosario,

but he got busted by the feds,
and we're looking for

a new hookup.
Guys, we got company.

There's a lady with a dog,
and a man with a ponytail.

Another lady with a dog,
two dogs back to back, guys.

- Is that fishy?
- I knew Rosario.

- Seems fishy to me...
- So how's come...

- There's a lot of dogs out...
- I never heard of you?

Well, you can ask
Rosario's guys about us.

They're right
on top of each other.

If you think it's weird, just
cough once for yes,

twice for no. I didn't come here

to be accused of something.
We can buy from somebody else.

Jake, I need an answer,
why is nobody coughing?

Hold up, I got a right to know

who I might be in business with.
I need an answer on

the dog thing, is it weird?
Can somebody cough?

Whose cough was that?
Was that you, Jake?

If it was you, cough twice,
if it was somebody else,

cough three times.

Sorry, bad allergy day,
pollen count is off the charts.

Pollen count, oh, man, how
do you come up with that stuff?

- So what's your territory?
- But that's why you guys are

in there, and I'm out here.
We don't sell on the streets.

We have loyal buyers
that come to us.

- On the mic, you know...
- And we need quality product,

our customers are discerning.
Check one, check two, check,

check, DJ C.J. on the mic.
I got a guy that could get

you the best dope in the city.
You know, I actually did DJ

my sister's wedding.
But it ain't gonna be cheap.

It did not turn out well.
Apparently, there's such a thing

as too much Smash Mouth.
I'm sorry, you think we wanna

deal with complete strangers?
God, sometimes I look at my

sister, and I'm like...
I mean, we gotta

cover our own asses.
She's got two kids,

beautiful house, and I'm like...
How do we know

this guy's even legit?
C.J., what have you

- done with your life?
- Shut up!

- Stop talking!
- Ahh!

- Shut up, now!
- Oh, my God.

Shut up, C.J.

Oh, whoa, whoa,
what are you, cops?

Yes, obviously we're cops.
Put your hands up.

Whoa, who said we were cops?
We haven't gotten any

information we needed yet.
Jake, you're blowing it, man.

Stop talking!

Crime scene investigators
combed every inch

of Severino's restaurant,
no drugs.

Well, we can't hold him much
longer, and he's not talking.

The interrogation
did not exactly go well.

You're gonna tell us
who Flaco is, and you're

gonna tell us right now.

Oh, that was crazy.

Well, there's one
bit of good news.

The last call on Severino's
phone was to a contact

we believe to be Flaco.
We've tracked his location

to a warehouse by the water.
We're gonna storm the place.

- Great, I'll go get C.J.
- Why? Why are you

so determined to make
him a part of this?

- No reason.
- If you actually cared

about your sacred oath,
you'd see that he's

a risk to the case.

Oh, my speech didn't actually
inspire you, did it?

Ugh, all right,
here's the truth.

If we catch Flaco,
and C.J. gets credit for it,

he's gonna transfer
out of the Nine-Nine.

That's what this is all about?
You're still trying

to undermine the man? What? No!

The opposite, if anything.
I want to see him succeed.

I'm trying to overmine him.
Oh, you know I hate it

when you make up words, Peralta.
Are you still mad at me

for saying "snaccident"?
Yes, very.

Please, just let him come along.

- No.
- Just so his name

- is on the arrest report.
- No.

I'll put him
in a car a block away.

Fine.
At least tell me what it was

about my speech that
didn't work for you.

Oh, man, if I had to

boil it down to one thing
and really pinpoint it,

I guess I would just
say it's, uh, ya boring.

But still let him come? Great.

What is all this?

Oh, hey, Sarge.
I'm growing tropical plants now

in the warmth
of my three space heaters.

It's getting a little hot
though, wouldn't you say?

Ugh, oh, yeah.

Probably also turn on my
portable air conditioning unit.

- Boop.
- You're not gonna

beat me, Gina.
This is my last stand.

- My whole life is last stands.
- Gina, can I talk to you

- for a second?
- Yeah, what's up?

Let me guess, you and Jake
are having problems;

You want me to
teach you how to kiss?

- What? No, stop that.
- Oh.

I know how I kiss,
I've read books.

This is about Terry.
You can't tell

anyone else this, but...
He failed his

lieutenant's exam.
How do you know that?

Let's just say my little birds

are everywhere
collecting whispers.

He left the letter
on his desk, and I read it.

Okay, but if you know
he's depressed, then why

are you being so hard on him?
Don't worry,

I got this. Just clear the lane

and let Gina do her thing.
What? Ugh.

Gina? You locked me in.

Going to lunch.

Gina, you know
I'm very claustrophobic.

Everybody ready? Where's C.J.?

Parked a block away
on Winthrop, as promised.

Don't worry,
he's not going anywhere.

I downloaded an app
on his phone that makes

your words sound like burps.
Smart, really smart.

- Yeah.
- Here we go, on three,

two, one.

- NYPD, on the ground.
- On the ground!

- Flaco, run!
- That's Flaco.

It's locked, go back.

- Oh, sorry.
- C.J., that's Flaco.

- You got him.
- Yeah!

He's out cold, how'd you do it?

No, no, wait. Let me guess.

You opened your
car door into him.

- Yep.
- He never saw it coming.

- Yep.
- And neither did you.

It was a total accident;
You were getting out

- of your car to go pee.
- No!

There was a spider in the car,
and I panicked.

Damn it, how did I
not guess that?

You gotta see this spider.
It's gigantic.

Charles, this is amazing.

I know, when's the last time
you cried like that?

- Huh? You cried?
- Damn right, I did.

Oh, guess we gotta get back
to the Nine-Nine.

Let's not be hasty.
Neither of us have any

open cases right now,
so should we tell the ladies

we're ready for round two?
Let's do it,

you insatiable little minx.
I'll go get 'em.

Mmm.

Charles, this place is a front,

money laundering or something.
We gotta get out

of here right now.

I just got off the phone

with One Police Plaza.
They're thrilled.

Captain Stentley,
you got your transfer.

- Whoo!
- I'm not transferring.

- What, why?
- The whole reason

I wanted to transfer
in the first place

is because I didn't feel like
I could do this job,

but the mission tonight,
me taking down Flaco...

- More the door than you.
- It just showed me

that I can do this,
and now I feel like

I really do belong here.

So thank you, guys, for...

For making me
believe in myself again.

- Oh.
- Come here.

That's gonna leave a mark.

I can't believe this.

Not only are we still
stuck on the night shift,

but now we have to
watch C.J. get a medal.

Why are there so many reporters?
Even "The Times" is here.

Wait, really? Who'd they send?

Wilson, Palmer, Schneier,
Levine, Rogers, Tyler, Baker,

Correal, Bromwich,
Robbins, Schmidt?

Stop saying reporters' names.
How do you know so many names?

They're the only real
rock stars we have left.

- Okay.
- Hello, we're here today

to honor Captain Jason Stentley,
who single-handedly brought down

a major drug ring.

And so it is my pleasure
to bestow upon him

the Medal of Honor.
Captain Stentley.

Oh, bestow me, baby.

Ahh, wow,

that's a lot of people. Uh...

Baba Booey, Cornholio.

That's it for my prepared
remarks.

Any questions?

Will taking down
one drug dealer make

a big difference in the
overall level of drugs

moving into the city?
No idea, next?

What's your philosophy
for dealing with

international narcotic
supply chains?

Didn't understand
the question, next.

Why was Flaco targeted
for this operation?

Okay, there's a question
I can answer.

Well, it all started because
I lost a huge bag of cocaine,

so I totally biffed it,
you know, but...

- Thank you, thank you, Captain.
- Oh, oh.

- That... That is... That's plenty.
- That was a train wreck.

Yes, he never should have been
put in that position.

Whoever recommended him
for the medal and called

all those reporters
really messed up.

- Wait, what are you saying?
- Oh, nothing.

It just seems as if C.J.
has been... overmined.

- You did this?
- I did.

- And you used my made-up word.
- I hated it, "overmined."

What have I become?
Was this whole thing

even worth it?
It was no snaccident.

So the foot massage place
reported $7 million

in profit last year.
To make that much,

they'd have to massage 100 feet
an hour, 24 hours a day,

7 days a week
for the entire year.

Damn it, we have to
shut them down.

Wait.
Let's not be hasty about this.

Let's think this through.
We wanna be smart about this.

Right, I mean, what if we
bust them tonight,

and then tomorrow
I'm chasing a murderer,

and I'm about to get him,
and my foot cramps up?

- Due to lack of massaging.
- And then the murderer

gets away.
Know who he kills next?

The mayor. Oh, my God, the city

- has no mayor now.
- It's chaos.

Rioting, looting,
panic in the streets.

They gotta call in
the National Guard, there's

tanks rolling down 5th Avenue,
declaring martial law.

It's insane.
All because we shut down

the foot massage place...
That was doing God's work.

What were we thinking.
So it's agreed:

We let them stay open
for the sake of the city.

For the sake of the city.

We have to do
our stupid jobs, don't we?

Yeah, let me get my stupid gun.

NYPD, get down on the
comfortable matted floor.

Put your magical hands
where we can see them.

You're under arrest for
ruining something perfect.

And money laundering.

Yes, money laundering, whatever.

Gina, I've been thinking
a lot about how you refuse

to give up Jacinta.
That's right.

She's never leaving.
I know, which is why

I decided to do
the only fair thing.

Space heaters for everyone.
So what? That sounds great.

- Everyone.
- Whoo-whee,

it's toasty in here.
You're gonna be

looking at that all night long.

Whoop, I think he's

about to eat a hoagie.
Is that mayonnaise or sweat?

Ugh, fine, I give up.
You can take Jacinta.

Really? And the other
two space heaters, too?

All of them, you win.

I win? I won.

- Amy, I won!
- You did it, Sarge.

You're gonna get
our power usage down.

I don't care about that crap.
I took down Gina Linetti.

I did the impossible.
Terry is back on top.

Diaper up! What!
Ladies and gentlemen,

Captain Jason Stentley has been
transferred from active duty

effective immediately.
Captain Raymond Holt

will be taking his place,
and, yes, he's taking

- all of us with him.
- You mean...

Yes, Amy.
We're back on the day shift!

Nine-Nine! All: Nine-Nine!

♪ Come on and party tonight!

- Not a doctor.
- Shh.