All language subtitles for Brooklyn Nine-Nine - 04x08

I can't believe
they're waxing the floors

and we're all stuck in here.

I've never seen them
do this before.

They do it once a month.

We've just never been
on the night shift.

I know.
It's like we're being punished.

We are, for going to Florida.

Oh. I don't listen
to so much stuff you all say.

Well, frankly,
I pity the lot of you.

You look out there
and see a problem.

I look out there and see
an opportunity.

I'm gonna slide
on that slippery floor

all the way from Holt's office
to the elevator.

You're going to do the FBP?

That's right, Rosa.

I'm doing The Full Bullpen!

♪

Here we go.

♪

♪ And we can build this dream
together ♪

♪ Standing strong forever

♪ Nothing's gonna stop us now ♪

♪ And if this world
runs out of lovers ♪

♪ We'll still have each other

♪ Nothing's gonna stop us

♪ Nothing's gonna stop us now

No!

Oh, no! I can't stop!

The Full Bullpen!

♪

Those chuckleheads
from the Nine-Five

are getting all cocky
just 'cause they're on TV.

Uh, we've all been
on the local news, fellas.

Okay. Which case of yours
was on the news?

Well, it wasn't exactly a case.

Ska defines who I am
as a person,

and I will never
turn my back on ska.

Hup!

Looking back, I have no regrets.

- You should.
- Yup.

So why are the Nine-Five
on the news?

They're investigating
death threats

against some author
named DC Parlov,

as if anyone knows
who the hell that is.

DC Parlov?
Did you say DC Parlov?

- What is happening?
- DC Parlov

is the most influential author
of our time.

"The Skyfire Cycle!"

12 books chronicling the war
between sky and sand,

clouds and rocks,
the Sepsidians and...

Oh, so it's like
a "Game of Thrones" type thing?

No, "Game of Thrones" is
a "Skyfire" type thing!

Get your head out of your ass!

- Yeah, come on, Boyle.
- I'm so sorry, guys.

When I was a little kid,

I spent hours reading
those books.

Whoa.

Little Terry did not see
that coming.

I was overweight and lonely,

and I wrote DC Parlov
for advice,

and he sent me this!

I hope it's not a severed head.

"The Skyfire Cycle:
Sand Into Glass:

The Reckoning of Ka'Lar."

Man, that is a long book.

Is the rest of it
just more of the title?

It's the book
that started it all.

And listen to the inscription
he wrote.

"Terry, you do have friends."

Oh, boy.

"You have me.
Never forget that in this life,

we write our own stories.
Parlov."

And that's what happened.

Little Terry wrote
his own story.

Yeah, Little Terry got buff-a!

Little Terry got
emotionally healthy.

Yeah, and ja-a-acked.

You know what?

He did get jacked.

Way to go, Little Terry.

Big pecs coming through!

Ah.

There we go.

I'm going to get us that case.
Terry's gonna meet his hero.

Oh, no, never meet your heroes.

Marie Callender
was a real bitch.

Oh, check it out.
Our squad has doubled

the number of arrests
on the night shift.

Yeah, no one cares, okay?

I need to talk top you
about this Boyle family vacation

that my mom's forcing me
to go on.

Why is it in Butt Thumb, Iowa?

No, it's pronounced
"Beaut-hume,".

And Iowa is
the ancestral homeland

of the Boyle clan.
I am so excited

for you to get to know
all of the cousins.

Watch out for Sherman.

He's left a trail
of broken hearts

longer than his ponytail.

Boyle, can we please
just go to a resort

where I don't have to see
your family?

There's a great one in Aruba.

Aruba?

Boyles don't do beaches.

We're not swimmers.
We're burrowers.

Yes, I know,
you're all earthworms,

but, Charles, even nature's
most disgusting creatures

deserve pleasure. Come to Aruba.

Sorry, the cousins voted
and it was unanimous.

We're going to Iowa.
We've already rented the tent.

"Tent" singular?

Charles, "tent" singular?

Diaz, Santiago,

settle a little tiff
that Kevin and I are having.

Let's be honest, Raymond,
it's not a tiff, it's a row.

And now it's a scene.

It's okay, sir,
we don't want to get involved

in your personal life.

It's not personal.
It's a math problem.

- Oh, Mama.
- Pass.

Raymond and I had dinner
together last night

for the first time in two weeks,
thanks to the night shift.

And Kevin thought it would be
fun to spoil our date

with an inane math problem,
to which his answer is wrong.

Enough foreplay,
let's get to the numbers.

It's the "Monty Hall problem."
Imagine you're on a game show.

There are three doors,
behind one of which is a car.

You're telling it wrong.

There are three doors,
behind one of which is a car.

You pick a door. The host,

who knows where the car is,
opens a different door,

showing you there's nothing
behind it.

Now the host asks
if you'd like to choose

the other unopened door.
Should you do it?

- No.
- Yes.

Both: It's simple math.

It doesn't make any sense
to switch.

The prize is behind
one of two doors.

It's a 50/50 chance either way.

It's 2/3 if you switch,
1/3 if you don't.

The probability locks in
when you make the choice.

We've been over this
eight times.

Seven times.

Now you can't even do
simple addition.

- Kevin is right.
- Hmm.

You're fired.

- What?
- Ah!

Hey, Sarge, great news.

The guys at the Nine-Five
gave us the DC Parlov case.

No big deal,
you don't have to thank me.

- Give it back.
- You're welcome.

Wait, what?
This is a bad idea, Jake.

I don't want to meet him.

Oh, I see. You're nervous
to meet your hero.

Look, I get it.
One time I saw Patrick Ewing

at a deli, and I was
so scared I almost left,

but I stayed.
I worked up my courage,

I walked over to him
and I introduced myself,

and you know what he said to me?

"Hey."

- That's it?
- It's Patrick Ewing, he's busy!

Give him the benefit
of the doubt, Sarge.

Come on, you're braver
than this.

Just tell him how meaningful
the note he wrote you was.

People love knowing that they
changed someone's life.

I mean, why do you think
I'm doing this for you?

This isn't about me.

No.

That was 30 years ago.

He won't remember,
and I'll feel silly.

Well, we're about to find out.

Parlov just walked in.

Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God,
oh, God, oh, God, oh, God!

All right, just breathe.

Stop fanning your armpits
like that.

Oh, good Lord!
Keep fanning them!

- Keep fanning them!
- Oh.

Mr. Parlov.
Welcome to the Nine-Nine.

Well, thank you very much.
I'm a little curious

about why my case
got reassigned.

Is there some problem?

Quite the opposite.
The top brass just wanted.

New York's best detective on it.

Allow me to introduce
Mister Sergeant Terry Jeffords.

Sarge?

Hi.

Uh-oh. Terry,
you want to come out here

and help me take
Mr. Parlov's statement?

He usually stands
much taller than that.

Anyway, tell us
about these death threats

you've been getting. Any idea
who might be sending them?

Well, I'm pretty sure
that it had to be a fan.

I've had a little bit
of a backlash

from some of my younger
male readers

ever since I revealed the fact

that Qwandor the dragon
is actually a female.

I would think teen boys
would love a lady dragon,

Did you give her
big, scaly boobs, or...

I don't know, you're the writer.

Qwandor is not a sexual being.

For she is the ender
of bloodlines.

All mortals tremble
before her wrath.

- "Skyfire" fan?
- Oh, I'm more than a fan.

Whoever wrote this
has got nothing on me.

Uh, he's not a killer.

Tell him about the inscription.

You probably don't remember,
but 30 years ago,

I wrote you a letter telling you
how lonely and sad I was,

and you sent me a book
with the inscription,

"We all write our own stories,"
and it changed my life.

- I do remember you.
- You do?

I do indeed, and I'm delighted
you made something of yourself.

As the Cloud Rock says...

Both: "You found yourself
in your struggle."

Wow.

Both: "The truth is
what you came for",

and you found it
within your strife."

Well, that was cool.

Both: "Be brave for Tolgan."
- There's more.

Both: "Tolgan the last,
Tolgan the first, Tolgan."

"Tolgan."

Is it over?

Yes.
This is the best day of my life.

You have three kids, Terry.

I said what I said!

All right.

- Cousin Sam!
- Chucky!

Up high.

Down low.

Both: Butts! Butts! Butts!

Oh, man, I love this shirt.
Where'd you get that?

Oh. Both: Mervyn's.

Oh.

Gina, get your rear over here.

Sam, you've gotta meet Gina.

Oh, already did.
She took me out for dinner.

Yeah, I just wanted
to get to know Sam better,

and talk about
the upcoming vacation.

I got him his favorite...

Egg salad on white,
bowl of cottage cheese...

both:
Hard boiled egg on the side.

Oh, no.

Oh, yes.

Turns out Sam here also thinks
we should go to Aruba.

N... I know it sounds crazy,

but the Caribbean might be
more fun than Iowa.

In what universe?

I'd tell you to pack
sunscreen, but...

Mm, looks like
you already got burned.

Uh-oh, did I?

'Cause my skin still tastes
pretty raw.

- Ew.
- Sorry, vote's in.

13-2, Iowa.

For now, but I have a whole day

of Boyle cousins scheduled,
starting with Bobby Boyle

at 3:00 for afternoon eggs.

You think you can
pick us off one-by-one?

- Yeah.
- Well, you can.

Boyles are very weak
as individuals.

But, together,
we're unbreakable.

I'm calling a council
of the cousins!

I'm scared!
Just kidding. Come on, Sam.

Sam, stay.

- Sam, come.
- Sam, stay.

Come on, Sam.

- Sam, stay.
- Come on.

- Come on.
- Stay.

- Come.
- Stay.

All right,
let's get on this case.

I can't let my hero die.

Great. Parlov is in town
for a reading of his new book,

"The Skyfire Cycle:
A Bridge to Jarcata."

Ah, ah. It's actually
pronounced "Jarca-a."

All the T's in "Skyfire"
are silent.

This book sounds
impossible to read.

I know, right?

Okay. All the death threats
were sent from New York,

so the perp is local.
They'll probably try and strike

at the book reading
tomorrow night.

And he's probably
camped out on the street

with the other fan boys.

They've been lined up
for three days.

To listen to an old man
read a story?

I will never understand
this world.

You once took a train
to Toronto to get

a Canadian VHS copy
of "Die Hard."

There was a rumor it was
better sound quality.

Get a grip, Terry.

We just need a way to compare
the fans' handwriting

to the death threats.

Oh!
We get them to sign a petition

to make Qwandor the dragon
a male.

Ooh, "smorf."

But are we going to fit in there
dressed like this?

No. No, we're not.

♪ Yeah

♪ So I'm outside of da club

♪ And you think I'm a punk ♪

Sign our petition to make
Qwandor the dragon a male!

There are already
enough girl characters.

We don't need a third!

Good evening, sir.

No, it's not. I haven't slept,

because I've been
going over that stupid problem.

Now I finally understand
Kevin's side.

Cool, so it's all better

and I never have to hear
about math again?

Quite the opposite.

I know better than ever
how incorrect he is.

Probability doesn't kick in.

Do I have to teach you
college level statistics?

I don't know,
do I have to teach you

high school statistics?

Do I have to teach you
eighth grade statistics?

Do I have to teach you
seventh grade statistics?

Do I have to teach you...

Now, if you'll excuse me,
detectives, I need to leave him

a snide voicemail
about kindergarten statistics.

Okay, we have got to explain
this thing to Captain Holt

to save their relationship.

And you laughed at me
when I went

to that
weekend-long math conference.

'Cause you called it "funky cats"

and their feisty stats."

That was the name!
It was so cool.

It was not.
Anyway, it's not about the math.

They haven't seen each other
because of the night shift.

They just need to bone.

What? Gross!
Rosa, those are our dads!

I mean...
That's not what I think.

Captain Dad is just my boss.
Wow.

Never mind, I'm teaching
father the math!

Whatever, Rosa.

To be honest, Terry, I'm feeling

a little lame out here.
I mean, you got this cool sword,

and I'm wearing what,
a potato sack?

You're my noble squire.

You should be thankful
for that burlap,

it's hiding your terrible
failed castration.

Oh, my God, I hate these books.

Are you the guys passing out
the Qwandor petition?

Yup, that's us.
Dragons have dongs.

You bet they do.

And this isn't about sexism.
I mean, it's just

that women aren't
strong enough to be dragons.

Now, handeth me yon "petish."

Okay.

"Petish" handeth yon'd.

This is a start,
but if you really want.

Parlov to hear you,

you're gonna have to send
a message in blood.

I think we've got a suspect.

Let's ride.

Whoa, that's very heavy.

Halitosis Frodo's got to be
our guy, right?

Oh, yeah.

"A message in blood"
is a reference to book one.

Page 843.

After Wendivil betrayed
Prince Clevang, murdered him,

and used his blood to write
letters to his children.

Do you talk about this stuff
with Sharon?

No. She hates it.

Yeah, makes sense.

Uh, This writing
doesn't match up.

I'm gonna send it
to the lab anyway.

Yeah, I don't think
that's necessary.

Why not?

Because I just found
a perfect match.

Parlov wrote the death threats.
He sent them to himself.

Terry did not see that coming.

And that is a perfect match.

This is crazy.

Why would Parlov
send himself a death threat?

For publicity?
I mean, he was on TV.

His book is on
the best-seller list

for the first time in years.

Parlov doesn't need any help.

He's already famous, rich.

He's got more babes
than he can handle.

Come on, that guy?

Now you're just lying
to prove a point.

He pulls, Jake. He pulls.

Ugh. Look, I know how it is.

It can be disappointing
to meet your hero.

I mean, just like me
and Patrick Ewing.

- You said that went great.
- I lied. It was a disaster.

Excuse me, Mr. Ewing,
my name is Jake Per...

- Oh, no!
- Wha...

Hey! You're my favorite player.

You pantsing Patrick Ewing
has nothing to do with this.

It doesn't? Oh, my God,
why did I share that story?

There is no way Parlov
sent himself that death threat.

Look, we are gonna
go to his hotel,

we're gonna talk to him,
and he'll have an explanation.

- Whatever you need.
- Screw you, Peralta!

I'm sorry, I thought
you were gonna disagree.

Thank you for your support.
It really means a lot to me.

Is everything okay, Santiago?

- No, I lost my ring.
- Did you see where it went?

Actually...

it's behind one of these
three doors.

Why don't you pick one?

Are you trying to Monty Hall me?

It's unbelievable.

I don't need Monty Hall
ruining my place of work

when Monty Hall has already
ruined my home life.

Come on, sir, the math thing
isn't the problem.

Night shift's keeping you
and Kevin apart.

You two just need to bone.

- What did you say?
- Don't say it again.

I said you two need to bone.

How... dare you, Detective Diaz.

I am your superior officer!

Bone!

What happens
in my bedroom, Detective,

is none of your business.

Bone?!

Don't ever speak to me
like that again.

Why did you do that?

Dude was pent up. Now he knows.

Problem solved.

The council of the cousins.

Look at them.
It's like a Beige of Pigs.

Gina, you seem rattled.

You don't normally make puns.

That's a pun? On what?

Listen, Charles,
I'm gonna sway the council.

So give up now unless you enjoy
being humiliated

- in front of your family.
- Oh,

you think I'd be embarrassed
in front of them?

In front of Don Boyle?
I changed his diapers.

And I'm about to change yours.
Ugh.

Hello, cousins.

Bobby, Brendan, Bill,

Bernard, boy Corey, girl Corey.

Papa Boyle once said:
"Stay in the middle.

"That's where it's safe.

"That's where we thrive.

That's... Iowa."

Charles will tell you
believe that Aruba

isn't for the Boyles,
but picture this:

One long banana boat
with the 15 of us on it,

holding each other by the waist,

having the time
of our damn lives.

Do we really wanna go where
"Pirates of the Caribbean"

- took place?
- Yes!

No!

That movie gave us
nightmares for moths!

Y'all know I got y'all
aqua socks!

Oh! Size 7s for everybody.

In conclusion,
Boyles are nothing if not loyal.

Loyal to our favorite brand
of peanut butter, Mr. Nuts.

Loyal to each other
and loyal to Iowa.

I love you. All: I love you.

I'm Gina Linetti,
and I approve this message.

I love you.

All: I love you.

- I love you too.
- You guys both did so good.

I think we'll sleep on it
and we'll vote in the morning.

Council adjourned.

I love you. All: I love you.

Hey.

What's up guys? Look, I'm sorry,

I'm a little busy right now.

I've some female companions
over, you know.

Oh, really? What are they,

like, some nerdy sci-fi fans,
or...

Good Lord!

I don't know
what I'm looking at.

I told you, man, he pulls.
He pu-u-ulls.

Okay, stop saying "pulls."

Mr. Parlov, we have to
talk to you.

Now, we're not accusing you
of anything.

We just want to ask
a few questions.

You know, we're probably wrong.

- We should just go.
- Sarge, no.

God, you're strong!

Mr. Parlov,
did you send yourself

those death threats
for publicity?

Are you kidding me?

I have no need for publicity.

The handwriting
in the death threats

matches perfectly
with the inscription

you wrote to Terry.

Yeah, tell you the truth,

I didn't actually
write this inscription myself.

Both: What?

Come on, you guys, grow up.

You think I have time
to answer each letter I get

from every sad little
fat kid that writes me?

Come on.
That's why I've got assistants,

precisely for that sort of crap.

But you said you remembered me.

Because you were the cop
assigned to my case.

Look, I didn't want to
piss you off.

The man you're looking for,
he's my ex-assistant.

His name is Edmund Grail.

The guy hates me.

I slept with his wife,

so naturally, I had to fire him.

Yeah, that's a cool story.

After that, I got sort of
involved with his sister.

It was kind of hot...
Please stop talking.

Fine.

I have a little bit of research
to attend to myself,

if you understand
what I'm talking about.

Enjoy having sex

with three gorgeous women
in cosplay.

Well, that went terribly.

I'm so sorry.

Do you need a moment alone

or you want to
talk about it or...

Yep yep. That works, too.

Hey, good news.

I found the address of
Parlov's old assistant.

I'm gonna go over there
and question him.

You want to come?

Maybe he won't open the door

and you'll have to kick it down.

That always cheers you up.

I don't feel like
kicking down doors.

What about running
really fast through a wall,

leaving a perfect outline
of your body?

Like a cartoon?

- Mm-hmm.
- No.

I'm just gonna sit here
and think about

how the words I lived by
my entire life

are a big fat lie.

Look, Sarge,
I understand what it's like

to have a hero who doesn't act
the way you want him to.

It's not gonna be about
Patrick Ewing again, is it?

No, and it's not about
John Starks, either,

who I also pantsed.

How many Knicks
have you pantsed?

Including coaches, five,
but that's not the point.

The hero
I was talking about is you.

You're a great cop and dad
and husband and boss.

And also, you always smell
just a little bit like vanilla.

That's my soap.

I got it at Lush.

You're who I want to be
when I grow up, Terry.

And you should know
that some dumb inscription

in some stupid book
isn't what made you who you are.

And it bums me out
that you can't see that.

Now, I'm gonna go
get this bad guy,

because that's what
you taught me to do.

Also what was the name
of the soap store again?

Forget it.
I'll just look it up online.

Okay, we're both here, Sam.
Go ahead.

Well, it was a real hard
decision,

but ultimately we decided

the Boyles are going to Aruba!

All right, Sam, well,
I'm happy to hear that.

I think the sun's gonna be
really good

for everyone's psoriasis.

We're all so excited.

All right, I love you, Charles.
I love you, Gina.

Whoops. Lost you.

It was almost too easy.

I'm like the Temple Grandin
of herding Boyles.

Yes, you are.

What? Why are you smiling?

I don't get it. I won.

Did you?

You were so busy trying to beat
the Boyles, you became one.

You learned about
our likes and dislikes,

our allergies and our phobias.

You even bought cousin Sherman
a scrunchy for his ponytail.

Yeah, so I could win.

And you did win...

a plot in the family cemetery.

All of us together

lying in a grave for eternity!

"Grave" singular?

Charles, "grave" singular?

Oh, Captain,
I know you don't want to

talk about Monty Hall,
but I did contact a math...

No need, Santiago.
It's all good.

So the fight with Kevin is over?

Yep.

Because you
understand the math now?

Nope.

- Because you guys...
- Yep.

Knew it.

See, what happened is,
your dads had sex.

Okay, Rosa.

Edmund Grail?

Who wants to know?

NYPD.

I need to ask you
a few questions

about DC Parlov.

Oh, okay.

Let me just undo the chain.

Son of a bitch.

Freeze!

Taste the might of Ka'Lar!

Get him out of here.

Nice work, Sarge.

You were right.

Who cares about Parlov?

We write our own stories.

So welcome
to the Terry Chronicles.

Book One:

The Arrest of Edmund Grail.

Followed by Book Two:

The Ravishing of Sharon.

I am so sorry.

I'm just pumped
that you showed up.

I couldn't let you down.

And that is why you are my hero.

Come on. Bring it in, big fella.

Oop...

Oh, no!

It happened again!

It happened again, Terry!