All language subtitles for Brooklyn Nine-Nine - 04x05

Attention, squad.

Mm, pretty dainty way
to make an announcement.

It's a workplace.
I wanted to be respectful.

Well, as someone at a high risk

for a spook-related death,
thank you.

As I was saying,
it's time for round four

of the Halloween Heist...

If I don't make it,
tell Gina I love her.

What's up, Nine-Nine?

Jake Peralta here to tell you

that tonight is the night
for the Halloween...

Heist.

Amy already went over this.

What? Ames, what are you doing?

I always announce the heist.

Yeah, Amy, what the hell
are you doing?

Exercising my right
to announce the heist

as the defending champion.

Defending champion.

The only reason you won
is 'cause

no one knew
you were even playing.

It was a pathetic act
of pure cowardice.

Whoa, she's your girlfriend,
Peralta.

Not tonight, she isn't.

Although don't kiss anyone else.

I love you so much.

Now, then, this one's for all...

♪

- Such a dork.
- So cool.

Attention, squad.

- Tonight...
- Nope.

Y'all three really
should have coordinated.

What? I really should be
the one to introduce the heist,

as the last legitimate champion.

Peralta hasn't won
since the first year.

He's a has-been.

Yeah, well, this has-been
has been with yo' mama all week.

Sorry, I feel like I crossed
a line; I apologize.

Attention, everyone.

Enough. We know.
The heist is happening.

No!

My ex-wife just died.

No more alimony, baby!

♪

This year's Halloween Heist
is a three-way tiebreaker

to determine
the champion of champions.

We'll be playing for this:
A plaque that reads,

"The Ultimate Detective/Genius."

You and Santiago
should quit now.

I'm going to stomp
on your dreams.

It's fun to see you
so passionate.

I will slit you both open
from mouth to anus

and wear you like jackets.

Wow. Is it weird that
that turned me on a little bit?

Doesn't matter.

But let's move on.

The plaque will be held in this.

Is that my childhood caboodle?

It most certainly is,
but don't worry.

I removed the scrunchies,
old report cards,

and photos of young Al Gore.

I'm better-looking
than him anyway.

We're talking a young Al Gore?

Peralta, you do make me laugh.

Okay, stings a little bit.

It will be secured
with this brand-new lock.

Hitchcock, if you would do
the honors.

There you are.

You can have that back
in three...

Nope, don't ever need it back.

Now, then, locking the caboodle.

The "ca-boo-dale" will be placed

in the center of the bullpen.

Right, and what is the name
of the store at the mall

that sells the sticky pastries?

You mean the "See-nay-bone"?

Yeah, that was it. Thanks.
Continue.

Whoever possesses the plaque
at sunup wins.

Now let's pick teams.

I've got a ton of work.

You can just leave me out
this year.

- Interesting. Interesting.
- Oh, Terry, Terry, Terry.

What?

How naive do you think we are?

You're "not participating"
so you can

sneak under our noses
and steal a victory,

like Santiago did last year.

I'm going to my desk.

Heists are dumb.

If you have nothing to hide,

then I'm sure
you won't mind me asking

Hitchcock and Scully
to keep an eye on you.

Whatever.

My eyes will be glued
to that ass.

Great! It's now time to choose
from the remaining players.

Amy, since you're last year's
champion, you go first.

- I choose Rosa.
- Dope.

I select Charles Boyle.

What?

What's the matter, Peralta?

Were you expecting to have
Detective Boyle on your team?

Have I thrown a wrench
into your plans?

Absolutely not.

I'm just surprised,
because you have

such a strong connection
with Gina.

But I'm glad she's on my team.

I had absolutely nothing
planned for Charles.

I totally planned everything
for Charles.

- This is a nightmare!
- Ew!

What can Charles Boyle do
that I can't?

Roller-skate like an angel.

Whore, I'm great on skates.

Or are you forgetting
Jenn Sutton's

fourth grade birthday party?

I have definitely
forgotten that.

Well, I skated like a pro,
and then I spent

seven minutes in heaven
with the Todd Cohen.

It was dope.

My point is,
I can do anything Charles can.

Except look exactly like
the body double I got for him.

Bill, you can come out now.

♪

Hi.

Okay, yeah, this pasty white guy

is gonna be a problem.

So I believe the key
to good teamwork

is an equal exchange of ideas...

Stop.
I know you already have a plan.

And I want to win,
so for the next eight hours,

I'm down with all
your nerdy crap.

Come on, Amy.

Show me the binder.

Okay, but it's not a binder.

It's a virtual binder,

and it's encrypted
on this flash drive.

That's my girl.

Now, where's the 3-D model
of the precinct?

Inside the key chain.

It's a frickin' hologram.

Yes.

I'm so excited, Captain.

So... how are we gonna do it?

Here's everything
you need to know.

♪

- It's blank.
- It's a metaphor.

You get nothing. You lose.

Good day, sir.

But we're teammates.

You chose me.

You're too close with Peralta.

I don't trust you.

I only chose you
to disrupt his plans.

And now that you've served
your purpose,

you're no longer needed.

I feel so used.

Am I just a piece
of meat to you?

Yes.

Now, put on a smile, Pork Chop.

So what are you planning
for the heist?

The only thing I'm planning
is getting my work done.

Sure, you are.

Come clean,

or we'll tell everybody
about your mistress.

I don't have a mistress.

You don't?

But you're so good-looking.

What's the point?

♪

As expected, all eyes
are on the caboodle.

It's go time. Now, Gina.

Whoopsie!

Bill, but you got
to stand like me.

I'm kind of like a young Brando,

so give it that energy.

Okay, yeah.

You're doing the best you can

with the tools that you have.

Looks like nobody's onto us.

Go, Gina!

♪

So, Bill,
do you have a real job or...

I'm the third
in a lot of marriages.

I got a nice soft face,

so I don't intimidate
the husbands.

Hmm, strange,
the random person I hired

off the streets of Brooklyn
is a weirdo.

- What?
- Hmm? Nothing.

There she goes.

♪

Now, Bill, the key here
is that I came in before work

and replaced the door handles

with ones that lock
from the outside.

Pretty smart.

♪

All right, Bill.
The time is now.

Show your face.

Show your face to the world!

What the hell? Amy!

Pick your jaws up
off the floor, ladies.

Where did Gina come from?

And here comes Jake! Whoo!

Welcome to the big show.

I was gonna sneak the plaque out
without anybody knowing,

but then I thought...

so much more fun
to make you watch.

Now enjoy

as I steal
the plaque of destiny.

♪

Ah, trying to pick the lock,
El Capitán?

That'll take
at least three minutes,

by which time I will have
hidden this plaque

somewhere you will never
find it.

♪

Voilà.

Of course, you could break
the window,

but you would never knowingly

destroy government property,
would you?

Whoop! Well, misread that one.

Gina, skate!
Skate like the wind!

- Aah!
- So long, suckers!

Oh! Gina, are you okay?

It's cool.

I'm fine.

Ain't no thang.

Totally, girl! You look good!

Oh, it hurts so bad.

I hope to God
I'm not humbled by this.

I'm so sorry, Gina.

It should have been Charles
on those skates.

This is why you should
always roller-skate

with a helmet and a mouth guard.

Hey, don't blame the victim.

I'm just so sick

of roller skating's
dangerous image.

We're not all bad boys.

Yeah, none.

All right, Gina, get your stuff.

I'm taking you to the dentist.

No, no, no, no.

I'll go alone.

I don't need anyone's help.

Just order me an UberSELECT
or better.

And despite our natural desire
to stop everything,

you'd like us
to soldier on in your absence

and keep the heist going?

Yeah, that's fine.

Well, you heard the lady.
She insists we continue.

Let's mop up this blood
and get back at it.

With all due respect, sir,

I don't think
that's the best idea.

The blood is dry.
We can just clean it up after.

Oh, agreed.

♪

Ah, I love tonight.

However, there is the small
issue of me losing my partner.

Now, Terry,
I know that you were upset

that no one picked you earlier.

Not what happened.

Regardless,
please be my partner,

please, please, please,
please, please, please.

No! Heists are dumb,
and I have work to do.

You're dumb,
and I have... heist to do.

Overreacted. Damn it!

You know what? Forget Terry.

At the time of the accident,

my team had the plaque,
so I will just grab it

and give myself
a four-minute head start.

Not so fast, Peralta.

I say we reset the plaque
and start over.

What? But my team had it.

Charles, tell him.

No, Jake.

We're resetting.

Charles, what are you saying?

The plaque...

goes...

Back!

Yes, Pork Chop. Yes.

♪

I have eyes on Kristy,
Stacey, and Claudia.

You used their code names.

You read the plans,
addenda and all!

Damn right, I did.
I told you, I'm all in.

And you didn't make fun of me
for basing it all

on "The Baby-Sitters Club."

And I even did
your suggested reading

of "Kristy's Big Day."

You did?

Calm down.

You're such a Mary Anne.

I am! It's true!

So, Boyle, I was impressed

with how you stood up to Peralta
and demanded a reset.

Ha!
I'm Team Holt all the way, baby.

Also, I'm pretty upset with him

for letting Gina
sweat up my skates.

Well, perhaps I can
use a teammate after all.

Do you swear I can trust you?

Yes.

I swear.

♪

Let's unleash hell.

Thanks for coming back, Bill.

I really needed a teammate.

Hey, man, you're paying.

Yeah.

You can take the wig off
if you want.

Whatever you want, man.
You're paying.

Could you stop
saying that, Bill?

It's making me
a little uncomfortable.

All right, man. It's your money.

That's the same thing.

What is this?

It's a jack-o'-lantern.
Don't touch it.

Why not? Because you're
hiding something in there?

Because my daughters made it

and your palms are all black.

What have you been touching?

Huh!
Well, this has got me stumped.

I got a pizza here
for Raymond Holt.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Holt hates pizza.

He's trying to distract us.

Oh, if I were trying
to distract you,

I would have sent you the pizza.

This is your doing,
you and your male prostitute.

Bill is not a male prostitute,

I don't think.

I have a pizza here
for Raymond Holt.

What's going on?

Both: I have a pizza here
for Raymond Holt.

Which one of you bozos did this?

Us?

You know how much
planning it takes

to get this many pizza guys here
at the same time?

A binder full of planning.

This has Amy written
all over it.

If I had done this, it would
say "Captain Raymond Holt."

I'm not going
to disrespect you, sir,

even for the sake of the heist.

I'll guard the plaque!

You're not leaving my sight.

Bill, can you see
what's going on?

Do you have eyes
on Charles and Rosa?

I don't know who anybody is.

There's too much pizza!

I see Holt. I see Charles.
Where's Terry?

Terry's leaving,
because Terry's got work to do.

Hitchcock! Scully!

Follow Terry! Both: On it!

Aah! I'm getting
bounced around like a pinball!

- This is madness!
- Who hired you?

Who do you work for, pizza man?

Everyone with a pizza,
get out of here!

♪

- The caboodle!
- The caboodle!

The "ca-boo-dale"!

I know one of you
took the plaque.

And I swear on my living
mother's future grave,

I'm not gonna let you
get away with it.

Or it was you, Jake.
You love pizza.

It's true.

You had it for breakfast
this morning.

When pizza's on a bagel,
you can eat pizza anytime!

Well, it certainly wasn't
Boyle and me.

We were out here the whole time.

Plus, we already ate.

Autumn salads
with farm-fresh squash.

That's right,
I'm catering for our team.

Look who I found hiding
in the interrogation room:

This guilty son of a bitch.

Still your sergeant.

Look, I wasn't hiding.
I was doing my work.

Hitchcock and Scully
were with me.

Were they,
or perhaps were they distracted

by your brilliant pizza ruse?

Totally distracted.
I ate two whole pies.

Folded 'em up like tacos.

You're suspect number one,
Jeffords.

- Whatever.
- "Whatever."

Spoken like a common criminal.

Still a long time till sunup.

All I have to say is,

whoever took that plaque,

you better watch out.

Come on, Rosa.

♪

- Come on, Boyle.
- Yes, sir.

♪

Come on...

Bill.

Okay, was the operation
a success?

You tell me.

Blended right in
with the pizza guys.

Got out my bolt cutters.

Lock snapped on the first try.

No one saw me leave.

Got to hand it to you...

beautiful plan.

Beautiful execution.

It's kind of like we're
our own baby-sitters club.

Oh, my God, I don't want
tonight to ever end.

Did you by chance
read the excerpt

from "The Truth About Stacey"?

The one about
the rival baby-sitters...

That get caught
smoking cigarettes?

Well, let's just say
that these two baby-sitters

aren't getting caught
with squat.

This is where I stash
a few cigarettes

on the rare occasion
that I need a puff.

Dope.

The hiding place,
not the smoking.

Mary Anne is better than that.

She's a work in progress.

♪

This is so frustrating.

There's no way of knowing
who has the plaque.

- Amy and Rosa have it.
- What? How do you know?

Diaz usually favors
her left leg,

but after "zero dark pizza,"

she was suddenly
favoring her right.

Yes, yes,
which means that she...

was...

You trailed off
and didn't finish speaking.

Continue.

I don't want to.

Her gait was thrown off

because she was carrying
the plaque.

And I know exactly
where it's hidden:

In Santiago's
secret cigarette stash.

How did you find that?

Whenever she gets
stressed out, she smokes.

And it's almost too easy
to stress her out.

Oh, Santiago, I...

Never mind.

What is it?

What?

I got to go.

♪

Bing-pot.

And now it's time to send in

our cute little secret weapon.

I'm ready, Captain.

I love the nickname.

No, Charles, not you.

I was talking about Cheddar.

Oh, right, obviously.

Over the past month,
I've had him trained

to retrieve plaques.

And now, boy,

it's time to make Daddy proud.

Yes, sir.

I could not have been
more clearly

talking to the dog.

♪

Time is running out.

We got to stop
playing by the rules

and start playing dirty.

Follow my lead, Bill.

Okay, but first
I should tell you

my safe word is "cabbage."

Why?

You know what? Never mind.

It doesn't matter. Hey, Charles!

Charles, get in here.

Come on.

What is Holt up to?

Does he have the plaque?
Does he know who does?

I'm not telling you that, Jake.

I'm Team Holt,
and there's nothing

you could say
that will change that.

Okay, fine, then I guess I have

a new best friend,
and his name...

is Bill.

You're not serious.

He's just a prop for the heist.

Sure, it started out that way,

but you know
how these things go,

spending time together,

sharing intimate secrets,

laughing about nothing
in particular.

Cabbage.

Holt has the plaque.

It's hidden in the evidence room

in a box marked
"Cold Cases 1972."

Thanks, bud.
We will always be best friends.

You hear that, Bill?

Nobody likes you!

♪

Ain't she a beaut?

Sexy.

Immediately ruined it, Bill.

Immediately.

Here you go.

Chht, chht, chht, chh...

What is happening right now?

The last sands are running
through the hourglass...

Chh, chh, chh...

Because your time
is running out,

and you are never
going to get the plaque.

Oh, Captain, stop.

I just can't let you
embarrass yourself.

I told Jake everything.

He threatened to replace me,

and I freaked out hard.

- I'm sorry.
- It's okay.

I knew you would betray me.

That's why I fed you fake intel.

Both: What?

The plaque was never
in "Cold Cases 1972."

As if I'd just put it
in a box, unattended.

Uh, but you did.

No, I didn't.

Then how do you explain this?

I have no idea.

I put the plaque in my office.

Cheddar?

Come here. Come here.
Come here, baby.

- What the hell?
- Yeah, thank you.

Return to my office, please.

What's up, you little turds?

Wait, what is going on?
We have the plaque.

Yeah, I just got it
out of the vent

to rub it in your faces.

"I Just Got It Out of the Vent
to Rub It in Your Faces."

Name of your sex tape. What?

Something strange is afoot.

Which of these is real?

Black lights. What the hell?

Oh, my God.
Our precinct is disgusting.

Dear God.

Hitchcock and Scully's desk.

- All: Ugh!
- Wait.

Look at the plaques.

- "Are."
- "Heists."

"Dumb."

Are heists dumb? Of course not.

That was a stupid question.

No, Jake, it's says,
"Heists are dumb."

all: Terry!

The Oscar for best liar
goes to you!

That's not an Oscars category.

What's going on?

Not to be harsh, Sarge,

but you're setting
a terrible example

for your daughters,
and they're gonna grow up

to be total failures.

You take that back.

No, she's right, Jeffords.
Your children are doomed.

Where's the plaque?

For the last time, I don't know.

I've been working here
the whole time.

Ask them.

Well, actually,
we both fell asleep.

And Jeffords never woke us up.

Coincidence?

I don't need this.

You're not going anywhere.

Damn, Rosa!

He's trying to get away!

Everyone start panicking!

He had someone lock the door.

♪

'Sup, losers?

I have the real plaque!
Unh, unh!

Gina! Of course!

It all makes sense,

except for the parts
I don't understand

and the fact that I still
kind of think Terry did this.

Nope, it was all me.

Three weeks ago,
Captain Holt asked me

to order a plaque that read,

"The Ultimate Detective/Genius."

I did it,
and I ordered three copies

and a statue of Tyrese
riding a dolphin.

- Is that relevant?
- To my life, yes.

Once I had the plaques,
I manipulated Captain Holt

into choosing Boyle
as his partner.

All it took was
six bottles of dish soap.

See, this is what happens

when Jake tries to wash dishes
by himself.

It's like he's helpless
without Boyle.

Yes.

He is helpless without Boyle.

And you fell for my trap

like a greedy little rat.

Easy.

Yes, it was easy.

And the next phase of my plan:

A "skating accident."

But you knocked out
your two front teeth.

False teeth.

Fake blood.

I lost my real teeth
at Jenn Sutton's

birthday party in fourth grade.

Oh, you made sure
I didn't remember that!

It was minute five

of seven minutes in heaven
with Todd Cohen

when he bumped the wall

and a bowling ball fell
on my face.

Maybe I just
wasn't at that party.

Once I had faked
the skating mishap,

I swapped out a dummy plaque
for the real one.

Then I left
to go to the dentist.

And you convinced your dentist

to help you carry out
the rest of the heist.

- No.
- Of course not. Go ahead.

I came back,
wearing the perfect disguise

to make sure I was never noticed
by anyone.

Something so drab
and uninspiring...

This feels like
it's gonna be a dig on me.

- I wore Amy's clothes.
- There it is.

This is your doing,
you and your male prostitute.

Bill is not a male prostitute,
I don't think.

That suit is not drab.

It has a fun salmon lining.

No, Amy, it made me invisible.

And now that I had that power,

every time one of you
stole a plaque,

I replaced it with a fake.

And no one had any idea

until the lights went out,

revealing a secret message:

"Heists are dumb."

Then we raced in here
to blame Terry,

and you trapped us.

But how did you know he was
gonna say "heists are dumb"?

Terry says that
about everything.

Everyone should wear suspenders.

Belts are dumb.

People should swim forward.

The backstroke is dumb.

30 grams of fat?

Hummus is dumb.

And now here you all are,

locked up behind the glass

like a bunch of loser fish.

I bet you're wondering
why I did it.

Because you wanted to win?

No!
I had a loftier goal in mind.

Can you do me a favor
and tell me

what that says right there?

"The Ultimate Detective/Genius."

Detective.

Can you imagine
what that word sounds like

to someone
who's not a detective?

Discriminatory.

It's worse than segregation.

Both: Uh-uh.
- Too far? I'm sorry.

But I think I've proved a point,

and that's why we're changing
the name of the plaque forever!

To what?

All: Gina Linetti

is the ultimate human/genius.

Thank you.

And now I'd like to say
a few words.

You talked for, like, an hour

when you had us locked
in that interrogation room.

I'm a fair ruler.

Your comment has been heard.

But seriously, you guys,

I just want to say,

I freaking love you losers.

Happy Halloween.

All: Happy Halloween!

Take out your teeth.

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

All: Take out your teeth!

Take out your teeth!

Take out your teeth!

Oh!

I'm invincible!

Not a doctor. Shh!