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1
00:00:02,002 --> 00:00:03,972
[♪]
2
00:00:03,971 --> 00:00:06,191
Family, you are in for a treat.
3
00:00:06,190 --> 00:00:07,990
There aren't
many drive-ins left,
4
00:00:07,992 --> 00:00:10,532
but if you ask
this small-town American,
5
00:00:10,527 --> 00:00:12,857
it's the only way
to see a movie.
6
00:00:12,863 --> 00:00:14,353
Drive-ins sound stupid.
7
00:00:14,348 --> 00:00:17,598
Besides, we're already
watching a movie in the car.
8
00:00:17,601 --> 00:00:18,671
[GUNSHOTS ON TV]
9
00:00:18,669 --> 00:00:19,729
[GROWLS]
10
00:00:19,736 --> 00:00:22,496
What the H, Daddy?
Teaching you a lesson.
11
00:00:22,506 --> 00:00:25,206
A relatively unprovoked
and violent lesson,
12
00:00:25,209 --> 00:00:27,039
but a lesson nonetheless.
13
00:00:27,044 --> 00:00:29,364
Great, now I gotta watch
it on my phone.
14
00:00:29,363 --> 00:00:30,803
Uh-uh!
15
00:00:30,798 --> 00:00:32,378
Oh, man.
Hm.
16
00:00:32,382 --> 00:00:34,152
Sure is getting expensive
17
00:00:34,151 --> 00:00:36,051
to take your family
to the movies.
18
00:00:40,389 --> 00:00:42,779
Hey, Floyd, two adults,
three children,
19
00:00:42,777 --> 00:00:44,907
for Out of BusinessClosed Forever
20
00:00:44,912 --> 00:00:46,512
Thanks for Your Yearsof Patronage.
21
00:00:46,513 --> 00:00:50,453
That's not a movie title,
Cleveland. That's real life.
22
00:00:50,450 --> 00:00:52,120
Drive-in's closing.
23
00:00:52,119 --> 00:00:55,689
What? But I just had this
3-D windshield installed.
24
00:00:57,507 --> 00:00:59,207
RALLO:
Ha.
25
00:00:59,209 --> 00:01:02,829
I'll be dead within the month.
Have a great night.
26
00:01:03,646 --> 00:01:05,046
I can't believe this.
27
00:01:05,049 --> 00:01:09,019
What about my memories?
My nostalgia? My Stoolbend?
28
00:01:09,019 --> 00:01:12,249
Oh, no.
My eyes are welling up.
29
00:01:12,255 --> 00:01:14,515
Cleveland, watch
where you're going.
30
00:01:14,524 --> 00:01:16,794
[♪]
31
00:01:16,794 --> 00:01:20,914
I can't see through my tears.
We're all gonna die.
32
00:01:20,914 --> 00:01:22,064
[ALL SCREAMING]
33
00:01:24,067 --> 00:01:25,797
[CLEVELAND SOBBING]
34
00:01:28,971 --> 00:01:30,571
Hey, it's still early.
35
00:01:30,574 --> 00:01:32,814
Anyone want ice cream?
I do.
36
00:01:32,809 --> 00:01:35,339
[SOBBING]
37
00:01:38,381 --> 00:01:40,531
♪ My name is Cleveland Brown
38
00:01:40,534 --> 00:01:42,834
♪ And I am proud to be
39
00:01:42,836 --> 00:01:45,046
♪ Right back
In my hometown ♪
40
00:01:45,056 --> 00:01:47,666
♪ With my new family
41
00:01:47,675 --> 00:01:49,985
♪ There's old friends
And new friends ♪
42
00:01:49,993 --> 00:01:52,183
♪ And even a bear
43
00:01:52,179 --> 00:01:54,409
♪ Through good times
And bad times ♪
44
00:01:54,414 --> 00:01:56,184
♪ It's true love we share ♪
45
00:01:56,183 --> 00:01:58,273
♪ And so I found a place
46
00:01:58,268 --> 00:02:00,498
♪ Where everyone will know
47
00:02:00,503 --> 00:02:02,803
♪ My happy mustache face
48
00:02:02,806 --> 00:02:04,966
♪ This is The Cleveland Show ♪
49
00:02:04,975 --> 00:02:07,105
[LAUGHS]
50
00:02:07,111 --> 00:02:09,311
[♪]
51
00:02:10,596 --> 00:02:13,166
Time.
Two hours, 32 minutes.
52
00:02:13,167 --> 00:02:16,297
All right, I'm ready
for the Civil War reenactment.
53
00:02:16,303 --> 00:02:18,293
I've got my musket,
my Confederate hat.
54
00:02:18,288 --> 00:02:20,988
I even got an iPhone
Civil War reenactment app.
55
00:02:20,991 --> 00:02:22,561
Tells me all the best bushes
56
00:02:22,559 --> 00:02:24,129
on the battlefield
to take a leak in.
57
00:02:24,128 --> 00:02:27,428
You got an iPhone?
Someone threw it on the road.
58
00:02:27,431 --> 00:02:30,151
I don't even know why we have
a historical reenactment.
59
00:02:30,151 --> 00:02:32,781
This town wants to get rid
of all our history.
60
00:02:32,786 --> 00:02:35,346
Give us a big old historectomy.
61
00:02:35,356 --> 00:02:36,536
Jeez, oh my.
62
00:02:36,539 --> 00:02:39,069
Cleveland, you want some cheese
with that complaining?
63
00:02:39,076 --> 00:02:41,806
You know, if you're so upset
about the drive-in
64
00:02:41,812 --> 00:02:43,952
just why don't you
just bring it up
65
00:02:43,947 --> 00:02:45,377
at the next town hall meeting?
66
00:02:45,382 --> 00:02:47,782
Yeah. Anyone can talk
about whatever's bugging them.
67
00:02:47,785 --> 00:02:49,175
I went to one last year
68
00:02:49,186 --> 00:02:51,046
and got them to put
in a speed bump.
69
00:02:51,054 --> 00:02:52,404
[HUMMING]
70
00:02:52,406 --> 00:02:53,406
[GRUNTS]
71
00:02:53,407 --> 00:02:56,877
He can't protect me from myself.
72
00:02:56,877 --> 00:03:00,647
[GRUNTING]
73
00:03:00,647 --> 00:03:02,927
[♪]
74
00:03:02,933 --> 00:03:05,033
Ladies and gentlemen,
please rise
75
00:03:05,035 --> 00:03:07,395
for Stoolbend's
casually profane mayor,
76
00:03:07,404 --> 00:03:09,404
Larry Box.
77
00:03:09,406 --> 00:03:11,106
Thank you all for coming.
78
00:03:11,107 --> 00:03:13,637
Wow, I'm pleased to see
such a big fucking turnout.
79
00:03:13,644 --> 00:03:17,254
The first citizen speaking
today is Cleveland Brown.
80
00:03:17,247 --> 00:03:19,807
Mr. Brown, get
your fucking ass up here.
81
00:03:19,816 --> 00:03:21,276
Mayor.
82
00:03:21,285 --> 00:03:23,145
The Stoolbend Drive-In.
83
00:03:23,154 --> 00:03:26,994
A Stoolbend landmark
and a symbol of a simpler time.
84
00:03:26,990 --> 00:03:29,260
A time when the man
who delivered your package
85
00:03:29,259 --> 00:03:32,459
was not wearing shorts
like a damn child.
86
00:03:32,463 --> 00:03:35,163
But now, they wanna tear
it down.
87
00:03:35,165 --> 00:03:37,725
Well, I happen
to like our small town
88
00:03:37,735 --> 00:03:40,465
just fine the way it is.
89
00:03:40,471 --> 00:03:43,711
[PLAYING UPBEAT MUSIC]
90
00:03:43,707 --> 00:03:47,457
♪ I'm a small-town guy
Livin' a small-town life ♪
91
00:03:47,461 --> 00:03:51,731
♪ I work a small-town job
And pork my small-town wife ♪
92
00:03:51,732 --> 00:03:55,532
♪ The big city and its Internet
Don't excite me at all ♪
93
00:03:55,535 --> 00:03:59,215
♪ 'Cause when it comes to towns
I'm thinking small ♪
94
00:04:06,946 --> 00:04:10,966
♪ Like parties and bingo
And Friday night football ♪
95
00:04:10,967 --> 00:04:14,547
♪ Macy Parade
On the Fourth of July ♪
96
00:04:14,554 --> 00:04:18,794
♪ If you ever find yourself
Here in Stoolbend ♪
97
00:04:18,792 --> 00:04:22,392
♪ We don't lock our door
So just stop on by ♪
98
00:04:29,819 --> 00:04:33,559
♪ Oh, yeah, the smallest towns
Have the biggest hearts ♪
99
00:04:33,557 --> 00:04:37,627
♪ Like the smallest minds
Have the biggest smarts ♪
100
00:04:37,628 --> 00:04:41,478
♪ The smallest toads
Have the biggest warts ♪
101
00:04:41,481 --> 00:04:45,351
ALL:
♪ Small-ass town Big-ass hearts ♪
102
00:04:45,352 --> 00:04:47,522
Harmonica solo.
103
00:04:47,521 --> 00:04:50,561
[SPLUTTERING]
104
00:04:50,557 --> 00:04:51,817
Wrong side.
105
00:04:51,825 --> 00:04:53,355
[PLAYING]
106
00:04:53,360 --> 00:04:56,530
♪ The smallest towns
Have the biggest hearts ♪
107
00:04:56,530 --> 00:05:00,600
♪ Like the smallest Wals
Have the biggest Marts ♪
108
00:05:00,601 --> 00:05:04,641
♪ The smallest beans
Cause the biggest farts ♪
109
00:05:04,638 --> 00:05:08,068
ALL:
♪ Small-ass town Big-ass hearts ♪
110
00:05:08,075 --> 00:05:11,285
CLEVELAND:
I live in a town where everyone's voice can be heard.
111
00:05:11,294 --> 00:05:12,484
Russ the green grocer.
112
00:05:12,479 --> 00:05:16,479
♪ Small-ass town
Big-ass hearts ♪
113
00:05:16,483 --> 00:05:17,923
Betty the bank teller
who sings
114
00:05:17,918 --> 00:05:20,018
like Fred Schneider
from The B-52s.
115
00:05:20,020 --> 00:05:24,660
[AS SCHNEIDER]
♪ Small-ass town Big-ass hearts ♪
116
00:05:24,658 --> 00:05:27,558
Zeke the town drunk.
117
00:05:27,561 --> 00:05:30,601
♪ Small-ass town
Big-ass-- ♪
118
00:05:30,597 --> 00:05:32,297
[BURPS]
119
00:05:32,298 --> 00:05:33,728
Pete the janitor.
120
00:05:33,734 --> 00:05:34,804
♪ Small-ass--
121
00:05:34,801 --> 00:05:37,201
Not to sing.
Just to clean that up.
122
00:05:37,203 --> 00:05:38,773
Sorry, sorry.
123
00:05:40,406 --> 00:05:43,036
Now, everybody.
124
00:05:43,043 --> 00:05:48,983
ALL:
♪ Small-ass town Big-ass hearts ♪
125
00:05:51,467 --> 00:05:53,667
Fuck it.
The drive-in stays.
126
00:05:55,638 --> 00:05:56,868
Check it out, boys.
127
00:05:56,874 --> 00:06:00,344
Page three of the Minor Local
Happening section.
128
00:06:02,077 --> 00:06:04,257
Ha. "Drive Ib?"
129
00:06:04,264 --> 00:06:08,004
Oh, man, Jay is gonna love
this one.
130
00:06:11,437 --> 00:06:15,137
Headlines, care of Jay Leno,
The Tonight Show.
131
00:06:15,142 --> 00:06:17,312
National Broadcasting Company.
132
00:06:17,311 --> 00:06:23,611
3000 West Alameda Avenue,
Burbank, California, 91523.
133
00:06:26,619 --> 00:06:28,219
Beg pardon, Mr. Brown.
134
00:06:28,222 --> 00:06:30,722
My name's
B. Emerson Plunkett the Fifth.
135
00:06:30,724 --> 00:06:32,024
Okay.
136
00:06:32,026 --> 00:06:34,726
Perhaps you've heard
of my great-great grandfather,
137
00:06:34,728 --> 00:06:38,428
B. Emerson Plunkett the First,
founder of Stoolbend.
138
00:06:38,432 --> 00:06:40,402
Maybe, perhaps, yeah.
139
00:06:40,401 --> 00:06:41,621
I'm on the board of
140
00:06:41,618 --> 00:06:43,718
the Stoolbend
Preservation Society,
141
00:06:43,720 --> 00:06:45,950
and we heard
about your wonderful work
142
00:06:45,955 --> 00:06:47,585
saving the drive ib.
143
00:06:47,591 --> 00:06:48,791
Oh, did you?
144
00:06:48,791 --> 00:06:51,491
We're having a dinner
at my home in Stoolbend Estates,
145
00:06:51,495 --> 00:06:53,355
and I was wondering
if you might join us.
146
00:06:53,363 --> 00:06:54,763
The Estates?
147
00:06:54,764 --> 00:06:57,474
Is that the place guarded
by a fake cop in a phone booth?
148
00:06:57,467 --> 00:07:01,567
And a plywood gate arm
to keep the poor people out.
149
00:07:01,571 --> 00:07:05,011
Uh, yeah. Heh.
I think I'll be there.
150
00:07:05,008 --> 00:07:07,378
Wonderful.
See you tonight.
151
00:07:07,377 --> 00:07:10,427
Tonight? No time
to get a new outfit.
152
00:07:10,430 --> 00:07:13,430
Quick, Tim,
I need your shirt and tie.
153
00:07:16,803 --> 00:07:19,843
[IMITATING TIM]
Uh, duh, I'm Tim.
154
00:07:19,840 --> 00:07:23,210
My wife keeps my scrotum
in a honey jar.
155
00:07:23,210 --> 00:07:25,610
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
That's you. I can't believe you fell
156
00:07:25,612 --> 00:07:29,082
for that new outfit bit.
I got clothes.
157
00:07:29,082 --> 00:07:31,622
Dumb bear.
158
00:07:31,618 --> 00:07:34,688
[♪]
159
00:07:36,539 --> 00:07:38,369
This food is so fancy.
160
00:07:38,375 --> 00:07:40,475
I never had
a blue steak before.
161
00:07:40,477 --> 00:07:42,007
It was Smurf meat.
162
00:07:42,011 --> 00:07:43,881
Ooh-la-la.
163
00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:47,420
We are here tonight because
another one of Stoolbend's
164
00:07:47,418 --> 00:07:51,318
most sacred landmarks
is in danger of being destroyed.
165
00:07:51,321 --> 00:07:52,891
Say it ain't
the Teddy Bear Hospital.
166
00:07:52,889 --> 00:07:53,889
No.
167
00:07:53,890 --> 00:07:56,220
Our beautiful Founders Park.
168
00:07:56,226 --> 00:07:57,376
[ALL GASP]
169
00:07:57,378 --> 00:07:59,438
Seems a group of history haters
out there
170
00:07:59,446 --> 00:08:01,506
wanna turn it into
a parking lot,
171
00:08:01,515 --> 00:08:05,345
desecrating the memory
of my dear, great giggum,
172
00:08:05,352 --> 00:08:07,722
B. Emerson the First.
173
00:08:07,721 --> 00:08:09,201
To help us stop them,
174
00:08:09,205 --> 00:08:11,835
I've enlisted
our newest preservationist,
175
00:08:11,842 --> 00:08:14,212
Mr. Cleveland Brown.
176
00:08:14,210 --> 00:08:15,940
Thank you, everyone.
177
00:08:15,946 --> 00:08:18,406
I shall not rest
until everything
178
00:08:18,415 --> 00:08:20,445
in this town
has been preservationed.
179
00:08:20,450 --> 00:08:22,920
Glad to have you
on board, Cleveland.
180
00:08:22,919 --> 00:08:25,049
Now, let's retire
to the smoking lounge
181
00:08:25,054 --> 00:08:29,364
for cigars, brandy and a good
old-fashioned elephant walk.
182
00:08:29,359 --> 00:08:31,459
Heh-heh.
Count me in.
183
00:08:32,795 --> 00:08:34,395
Thanks to you, Cleveland,
184
00:08:34,398 --> 00:08:39,598
we will preserve
my family's proud legacy.
185
00:08:39,603 --> 00:08:41,743
[♪]
186
00:08:46,008 --> 00:08:50,238
[♪]
187
00:08:50,246 --> 00:08:53,006
Cleveland, thank you so much
for joining our effort.
188
00:08:53,016 --> 00:08:56,376
It's gonna be so much easier
saving Founders Park
189
00:08:56,386 --> 00:08:59,016
with you as
the face of our cause.
190
00:08:59,022 --> 00:09:01,892
Oh, I'm just doing
what any red-blooded
191
00:09:01,892 --> 00:09:04,292
Stoolbendapudlian would do.
192
00:09:05,711 --> 00:09:07,631
Ah!
My great giggum's statue.
193
00:09:07,630 --> 00:09:10,130
Cleveland, you gotta stop
that bulldozer.
194
00:09:10,133 --> 00:09:11,333
Bulldozer.
195
00:09:11,334 --> 00:09:13,234
If you'd asked me
when I was 3,
196
00:09:13,236 --> 00:09:16,536
I'd have told you I'd be riding
a bulldozer every day.
197
00:09:16,539 --> 00:09:19,039
Ha. Life.
Cleveland, you really should--
198
00:09:19,042 --> 00:09:21,882
You never see a red bulldozer
or a yellow fire truck.
199
00:09:21,878 --> 00:09:23,638
I beg of you.
Yeah.
200
00:09:23,646 --> 00:09:25,706
[♪]
201
00:09:26,665 --> 00:09:28,925
Hey, hold it right there,
bulldozerer.
202
00:09:28,935 --> 00:09:30,935
If you wanna get rid
of this park,
203
00:09:30,937 --> 00:09:32,867
you'll have to take me with it.
204
00:09:35,991 --> 00:09:37,761
[CHEERING]
205
00:09:37,761 --> 00:09:41,951
And if you think you're gonna
unlock me, think again.
206
00:09:41,949 --> 00:09:43,279
[GRUNTS]
207
00:09:43,283 --> 00:09:45,953
Going down sideways.
Water, please.
208
00:09:47,553 --> 00:09:49,253
Ugh! It's warm.
209
00:09:49,255 --> 00:09:51,535
So you're gonna stay
all chained to that bullshit?
210
00:09:51,541 --> 00:09:55,181
Over my dead-- Oh, wait, sorry.
I wasn't listening.
211
00:09:55,178 --> 00:09:58,048
Yes, I'm gonna stay chained
as long as it takes.
212
00:09:58,047 --> 00:09:59,697
Okay, fine.
I don't give a shit.
213
00:09:59,699 --> 00:10:01,729
Why a black guy
would wanna preserve a statue
214
00:10:01,734 --> 00:10:03,604
of the biggest
slave-owning piece of shit
215
00:10:03,603 --> 00:10:05,403
in the Confederacy
is a mystery to my ass.
216
00:10:05,405 --> 00:10:08,285
Wait.
Slave-owning piece of shit?
217
00:10:08,291 --> 00:10:10,511
Colonel Plunkett
was a total dick bag.
218
00:10:10,510 --> 00:10:11,840
Oh, well.
219
00:10:11,844 --> 00:10:13,744
By decree
of the mayor of Stoolbend,
220
00:10:13,746 --> 00:10:16,006
the park stays fuck here.
221
00:10:16,015 --> 00:10:18,465
Hold on. Emerson,
did you know about this?
222
00:10:18,468 --> 00:10:19,728
Hush, Cleveland.
223
00:10:19,736 --> 00:10:22,996
And now, let us sing
the town song.
224
00:10:23,006 --> 00:10:27,906
ALL:
♪ Oh, Stoolbend, my Stoolbend
225
00:10:27,911 --> 00:10:31,251
♪ Whiter than whipped cream
226
00:10:31,248 --> 00:10:32,408
Whiter than what now?
227
00:10:32,415 --> 00:10:34,115
♪ We proudly vow
228
00:10:34,117 --> 00:10:39,587
♪ To never have
A good basketball team ♪
229
00:10:39,589 --> 00:10:40,789
Those are the words?
230
00:10:40,791 --> 00:10:44,891
♪ Your white light
Shines brightly ♪
231
00:10:44,895 --> 00:10:49,025
♪ All blackness eschews
232
00:10:49,032 --> 00:10:50,152
Oh, my God.
233
00:10:50,149 --> 00:10:53,939
♪ And don't even
Get us started ♪
234
00:10:53,937 --> 00:11:00,877
♪ On taco munchers and Jews
235
00:11:00,877 --> 00:11:02,577
Whoa!
236
00:11:02,578 --> 00:11:05,078
Let's hear it
for Cleveland Brown,
237
00:11:05,082 --> 00:11:07,752
who has served his purpose.
238
00:11:07,751 --> 00:11:09,631
[CROWD CHEERING]
239
00:11:09,636 --> 00:11:11,396
I've been used.
240
00:11:11,405 --> 00:11:13,935
Like that condom
on the ground over there.
241
00:11:13,940 --> 00:11:15,610
Or that one over there.
242
00:11:15,609 --> 00:11:19,179
This park is nasty. Somebody
should bulldoze this place.
243
00:11:23,049 --> 00:11:25,819
Open the door, Plunkett.
Open up.
244
00:11:25,819 --> 00:11:27,319
Should we have
brought something?
245
00:11:27,320 --> 00:11:29,220
No. You're here
to yell at him.
246
00:11:29,222 --> 00:11:31,022
Still.
247
00:11:31,024 --> 00:11:34,834
[♪]
248
00:11:34,827 --> 00:11:37,577
Oh, hello, Cleveland.
You used me.
249
00:11:37,580 --> 00:11:39,580
I'm sorry.
I really can't talk.
250
00:11:39,582 --> 00:11:41,922
I'm preparing
for tomorrow's reenactment
251
00:11:41,918 --> 00:11:43,888
of the Battle of Stoolbend.
252
00:11:43,887 --> 00:11:45,567
Of course you'd enjoy that.
253
00:11:45,572 --> 00:11:48,572
Reenacting a Civil War battle
the South won.
254
00:11:48,575 --> 00:11:51,535
The South won?
There was a Battle of Stoolbend?
255
00:11:51,545 --> 00:11:53,625
Yes, it was one
of the Confederacy's
256
00:11:53,630 --> 00:11:54,960
proudest moments.
257
00:11:54,965 --> 00:11:57,595
And I have the honor
of portraying its hero,
258
00:11:57,601 --> 00:11:59,831
my great-great grandfather.
259
00:11:59,836 --> 00:12:01,346
Now, if you'll excuse me,
260
00:12:01,354 --> 00:12:03,764
I'm gonna go make love
to my mistress,
261
00:12:03,757 --> 00:12:06,617
who is dressed
as my great giggum's mistress.
262
00:12:06,626 --> 00:12:08,586
She's got a lot
of garments on.
263
00:12:08,595 --> 00:12:10,325
They're gonna take
a while to remove,
264
00:12:10,330 --> 00:12:11,800
so I must get to it.
265
00:12:11,798 --> 00:12:14,068
Ugh. What's going on here?
266
00:12:14,067 --> 00:12:16,297
I can't believe
my small, Southern town
267
00:12:16,303 --> 00:12:19,243
has a dark history
of racial injustice.
268
00:12:19,239 --> 00:12:23,139
Man, I hate stupid, dumb,
stinky old Stoolbend.
269
00:12:23,143 --> 00:12:25,413
Cleveland, I know
that's not true.
270
00:12:25,412 --> 00:12:27,152
You love this town.
271
00:12:27,147 --> 00:12:29,407
You sang that whole cracker-ass
song about it.
272
00:12:29,416 --> 00:12:31,046
I did, didn't I?
273
00:12:31,050 --> 00:12:32,800
And if you love this town,
274
00:12:32,802 --> 00:12:36,402
you won't let people like that
fool keep its racist past alive.
275
00:12:36,406 --> 00:12:38,436
You need to make
an example out of him.
276
00:12:38,441 --> 00:12:39,871
Hit him where it hurts.
277
00:12:39,876 --> 00:12:43,276
Ruin the thing
he's most excited about.
278
00:12:43,279 --> 00:12:45,459
You're right, Donna.
His mistress.
279
00:12:45,465 --> 00:12:47,095
Thanks for the free pass.
280
00:12:47,100 --> 00:12:49,430
No, Cleveland.
He just told you.
281
00:12:49,435 --> 00:12:52,095
The Battle of Stoolbend
reenactment.
282
00:12:52,105 --> 00:12:53,635
You're right again.
283
00:12:53,640 --> 00:12:56,570
I've gotta win that battle
for my Stoolbend.
284
00:12:56,576 --> 00:12:58,036
That's what
I'm talking about.
285
00:12:58,045 --> 00:13:00,005
This is my town.
Uh-huh.
286
00:13:00,013 --> 00:13:03,653
And when I'm done with him,
I shall have his mistress.
287
00:13:03,650 --> 00:13:05,880
I shall have
his mistress's mistress.
288
00:13:05,886 --> 00:13:07,716
I shall have Tim's mistre--
289
00:13:07,721 --> 00:13:08,791
[CLEARS THROAT]
290
00:13:08,789 --> 00:13:11,089
There will be no mistresses.
291
00:13:11,091 --> 00:13:13,221
No mistresses.
292
00:13:15,577 --> 00:13:17,947
And so when in the course
of human events,
293
00:13:17,948 --> 00:13:20,608
one wants to take down
a wealthy racist
294
00:13:20,616 --> 00:13:22,946
who tricked one
into helping him,
295
00:13:22,953 --> 00:13:25,853
one has to go to that
reenactment tomorrow,
296
00:13:25,855 --> 00:13:28,555
and win the battle
for the North.
297
00:13:28,558 --> 00:13:32,028
To show him that this
is our Stoolbend now.
298
00:13:32,028 --> 00:13:34,258
Who's with me? Tim?
Yes, sir.
299
00:13:34,264 --> 00:13:35,434
Holt?
300
00:13:35,432 --> 00:13:38,232
Oh, captain, my captain.
Dead Poets.
301
00:13:38,234 --> 00:13:40,004
Terry?
Damn skippy.
302
00:13:40,003 --> 00:13:42,723
And you?
I'm in.
303
00:13:42,723 --> 00:13:44,623
I'm Aaron from work,
by the way.
304
00:13:44,624 --> 00:13:46,914
Aaron. I know
who you are, Aaron.
305
00:13:46,909 --> 00:13:49,979
Lester, I know you're planning
on fighting for the South.
306
00:13:49,980 --> 00:13:52,050
Would you consider
switching sides?
307
00:13:52,048 --> 00:13:54,918
Cleveland, I went
to Robert E. Lee Elementary,
308
00:13:54,917 --> 00:13:57,517
Robert E. Lee Middle,
Robert E. Lee High,
309
00:13:57,520 --> 00:13:59,650
back to Robert E. Lee Middle
for a year,
310
00:13:59,656 --> 00:14:01,216
then I just stopped going.
311
00:14:01,224 --> 00:14:03,094
Anyway, no.
312
00:14:03,093 --> 00:14:05,543
Then I'll see you
on the battlefield.
313
00:14:05,545 --> 00:14:07,605
Now, the rest
of you get some sleep,
314
00:14:07,613 --> 00:14:11,723
for tomorrow,
the North shall rise again.
315
00:14:11,717 --> 00:14:12,917
ALL:
Yeah!
316
00:14:12,919 --> 00:14:15,189
And we get
to shoot fake guns.
317
00:14:15,188 --> 00:14:16,288
ALL:
Yeah!
318
00:14:16,289 --> 00:14:17,719
With blanks in them,
319
00:14:17,723 --> 00:14:19,763
like the ones that killed
Brandon Lee.
320
00:14:19,759 --> 00:14:20,859
ALL:
Oh.
321
00:14:23,795 --> 00:14:25,205
[♪]
322
00:14:25,215 --> 00:14:28,845
NARRATOR:
Braving the low 50sVirginia winter
323
00:14:28,852 --> 00:14:31,622
and nursing a slight hangover,
324
00:14:31,620 --> 00:14:33,920
Cleveland Brown set out to win
325
00:14:33,923 --> 00:14:37,393
the Battle of Stoolbendreenactment
326
00:14:37,393 --> 00:14:40,293
for the North.
327
00:14:40,296 --> 00:14:44,066
CLEVELAND:
Dear Donna,I go to battle today
328
00:14:44,067 --> 00:14:47,197
and lest I should not be ableto call or text,
329
00:14:47,203 --> 00:14:51,013
I feel I must needswrite to you.
330
00:14:51,007 --> 00:14:53,167
Oh, Donna, my love.
331
00:14:53,176 --> 00:14:55,906
How I miss the warmthof your arms,
332
00:14:55,912 --> 00:14:57,952
the taste of your lips,
333
00:14:57,947 --> 00:15:01,947
the caress of your soft handon my under-satchel.
334
00:15:01,951 --> 00:15:04,991
Yours eternally, Cleveland.
335
00:15:04,988 --> 00:15:09,558
TIM:
Dearest Arianna, I fearI may not make it home
336
00:15:09,558 --> 00:15:12,828
in timefor So You Think You Can Dance.
337
00:15:12,828 --> 00:15:16,758
Please make surethe TiVo does not delete it.
338
00:15:16,766 --> 00:15:19,166
HOLT:
Dear Penthouse Forum,
339
00:15:19,168 --> 00:15:22,498
never thought these storieswere actually true till today.
340
00:15:22,505 --> 00:15:24,505
Dressed up likea Civil War guy,
341
00:15:24,507 --> 00:15:27,377
nailed a chick with pinkeyein a Taco Bell bathroom.
342
00:15:27,377 --> 00:15:29,277
MAN:
Fire!
343
00:15:30,595 --> 00:15:32,095
[GUNSHOTS]
344
00:15:36,251 --> 00:15:38,501
[GROANING]
345
00:15:38,504 --> 00:15:40,344
Attack their right flank.
346
00:15:41,740 --> 00:15:43,140
[YELLING]
347
00:15:43,142 --> 00:15:45,762
There are a lot more bad guys
than I expected.
348
00:15:45,761 --> 00:15:48,931
How are we supposed
to fake win this fake battle?
349
00:15:48,931 --> 00:15:51,171
Who cares? Let's just tell
everyone we won.
350
00:15:51,167 --> 00:15:52,997
No. We have to fight.
351
00:15:53,002 --> 00:15:54,942
Oh, if there was only
some way to know
352
00:15:54,938 --> 00:15:56,198
what was about to happen
353
00:15:56,206 --> 00:16:00,236
in this reenactment of an actual
historic event-- Hello.
354
00:16:00,243 --> 00:16:03,793
Okay. Boring. All right.
355
00:16:03,796 --> 00:16:07,366
Boring. Useful. Boring.
356
00:16:07,367 --> 00:16:09,527
Word I don't know.
I'll skip it.
357
00:16:09,536 --> 00:16:12,336
Afraid to say it out loud
for fear of being judged.
358
00:16:12,338 --> 00:16:15,268
Oh, all right.
"Bay-ah-nets."
359
00:16:15,275 --> 00:16:17,605
No? Okay, we got
what we need to know.
360
00:16:17,610 --> 00:16:20,210
Let's go.
361
00:16:20,213 --> 00:16:21,483
TIM:
Bayonets.
362
00:16:23,065 --> 00:16:25,395
The Confederate battalion
is approaching.
363
00:16:25,402 --> 00:16:26,872
No time to dilly-dally.
364
00:16:26,869 --> 00:16:29,069
Over that ridge, you scalawags.
365
00:16:29,072 --> 00:16:30,372
Charge!
366
00:16:30,373 --> 00:16:33,273
Wait. No, no charge.
367
00:16:33,276 --> 00:16:35,576
We've got
the entire play-by-play
368
00:16:35,578 --> 00:16:37,978
of the Battle of Stoolbend
right here.
369
00:16:37,981 --> 00:16:41,621
If we go over that ridge,
it's a massacre.
370
00:16:41,617 --> 00:16:45,217
No doi. We all know what
happens. This is a reenactment.
371
00:16:45,221 --> 00:16:47,091
Now,
just stick to the script.
372
00:16:47,090 --> 00:16:49,690
That's an order, lieutenant.
373
00:16:51,293 --> 00:16:53,763
Oh! You shot me.
374
00:16:53,762 --> 00:16:55,762
I'm mortally wounded.
375
00:16:55,764 --> 00:16:58,354
But you can't.
That's not what happened.
376
00:16:58,351 --> 00:17:03,101
Well, in the words of Raj,
it's what's happening now.
377
00:17:03,105 --> 00:17:04,715
[GROANS]
378
00:17:04,724 --> 00:17:05,964
ALL:
Hmm?
379
00:17:05,959 --> 00:17:06,819
Now, the rest of you,
380
00:17:06,826 --> 00:17:09,686
let's make history
our bitch.
381
00:17:09,695 --> 00:17:13,405
Any of you losers
wanna win for a change?
382
00:17:13,416 --> 00:17:14,226
ALL:
Hm?
383
00:17:14,234 --> 00:17:15,734
Will we still be done
by 4:30?
384
00:17:15,735 --> 00:17:18,065
Probably even sooner because
we're just gonna sneak up
385
00:17:18,070 --> 00:17:19,940
on everybody and kill them.
386
00:17:19,939 --> 00:17:20,869
Okay.
Sure.
387
00:17:20,874 --> 00:17:23,014
But I seriously need
to be done by 4:30.
388
00:17:23,009 --> 00:17:24,729
[♪]
389
00:17:36,571 --> 00:17:39,141
Hi, guys.
390
00:17:39,142 --> 00:17:41,512
Hey, that wasn't the way we--
The rules, Jeff.
391
00:17:41,510 --> 00:17:43,540
If you get shot,
you have to die.
392
00:17:43,546 --> 00:17:46,106
Yeah, do the rules say
anything about wearing Tevas?
393
00:17:46,115 --> 00:17:48,875
But we're going
to the lake after this.
394
00:17:48,885 --> 00:17:50,215
[BOTH GROAN]
395
00:17:50,220 --> 00:17:51,520
Yes.
Hot damn.
396
00:17:56,525 --> 00:17:59,985
HOLT:
Ha-ha. Die, Daddy. Die, Daddy.
397
00:17:59,996 --> 00:18:02,626
Die, Daddy. Die, Daddy.
398
00:18:02,632 --> 00:18:05,802
[SOBBING]
Die, Daddy.
399
00:18:05,801 --> 00:18:07,641
That's a good--
Good job, Holt.
400
00:18:07,637 --> 00:18:10,737
Not, uh--
Not creeping me out at all.
401
00:18:11,657 --> 00:18:14,187
[GRUNTS]
402
00:18:14,193 --> 00:18:16,563
[WHINNIES]
403
00:18:18,797 --> 00:18:20,397
[SNORTING]
404
00:18:20,399 --> 00:18:22,499
[WHINNIES]
405
00:18:22,502 --> 00:18:25,502
Dial it back, buddy.
You already got the part.
406
00:18:27,439 --> 00:18:29,569
I think we got them all,
Cleveland.
407
00:18:29,576 --> 00:18:30,576
[GUNSHOT]
408
00:18:30,577 --> 00:18:31,907
Not quite.
409
00:18:31,911 --> 00:18:33,591
Oh, crap.
410
00:18:33,596 --> 00:18:35,926
Okay, here we go.
411
00:18:39,134 --> 00:18:42,494
I heard five pretend bullets
come out of that gun.
412
00:18:42,489 --> 00:18:44,789
You got one bullet left.
413
00:18:44,791 --> 00:18:46,621
I only need one.
414
00:18:46,626 --> 00:18:48,556
[♪]
415
00:18:52,381 --> 00:18:54,351
Damn, I missed.
Terrible shot.
416
00:18:54,350 --> 00:18:56,880
No reason I should've
missed you, but I did.
417
00:18:56,886 --> 00:18:58,596
[LAUGHS]
418
00:18:58,604 --> 00:19:02,444
You should've known
you can't change history.
419
00:19:03,925 --> 00:19:06,185
No!
420
00:19:07,296 --> 00:19:09,696
[GRUNTS]
421
00:19:09,699 --> 00:19:12,919
Lester, you took a pretend
bullet for me.
422
00:19:12,919 --> 00:19:14,119
But why?
423
00:19:14,120 --> 00:19:16,190
Turns out a lot
of the Confederates here
424
00:19:16,189 --> 00:19:18,159
are a bunch of rich dipsticks.
425
00:19:18,157 --> 00:19:21,587
I realized I got more in common
with poor people like you.
426
00:19:21,594 --> 00:19:23,594
Comfortably middle class,
but yeah.
427
00:19:23,596 --> 00:19:25,796
Yes, the blood I'm not shedding
428
00:19:25,798 --> 00:19:28,228
is in the name of loyalty
and friendship,
429
00:19:28,234 --> 00:19:32,304
which are more important
to me than any fake war.
430
00:19:32,304 --> 00:19:35,074
Okay, you can take my head
out of your lap now.
431
00:19:35,074 --> 00:19:36,344
Touching.
432
00:19:36,342 --> 00:19:38,482
Now die, Yankee.
433
00:19:40,345 --> 00:19:42,155
Got you.
No.
434
00:19:42,165 --> 00:19:44,465
Uh, you only got me
in the arm.
435
00:19:44,467 --> 00:19:47,337
Maybe so, but considering
the medical care of the time,
436
00:19:47,337 --> 00:19:50,367
you would've had it amputated
with nonsterile equipment,
437
00:19:50,373 --> 00:19:53,713
and later died
from a bacterial infection.
438
00:19:53,710 --> 00:19:56,690
You're right. You win.
439
00:19:58,063 --> 00:20:00,263
Hear ye, hear ye.
440
00:20:00,266 --> 00:20:05,296
I hereby declare victory
in the Battle of Stoolbend
441
00:20:05,304 --> 00:20:06,604
for the North.
442
00:20:06,605 --> 00:20:08,935
[ALL CHEERING]
443
00:20:08,941 --> 00:20:12,381
NARRATOR:
The forces of tolerancewon a noble victory that day
444
00:20:12,378 --> 00:20:14,178
on the fields of Stoolbend.
445
00:20:14,180 --> 00:20:15,900
There was much revelry
446
00:20:15,898 --> 00:20:18,598
and many flagonsof the finest pale ale,
447
00:20:18,601 --> 00:20:21,571
as the victoriousUnion Army toasted
448
00:20:21,571 --> 00:20:24,971
their triumphantrewriting of history.
449
00:20:24,974 --> 00:20:27,214
[TIM GROWLING]Things briefly got weird
450
00:20:27,210 --> 00:20:31,250
between Tim and Holt,but they're cool now.
451
00:20:31,247 --> 00:20:34,317
And after all the barshad stopped serving,
452
00:20:34,317 --> 00:20:37,587
they realizedthe war was not yet won.
453
00:20:37,587 --> 00:20:40,117
So with the aid of Donna's car,
454
00:20:40,123 --> 00:20:42,463
they onceand for all dismantled
455
00:20:42,458 --> 00:20:45,988
the statueof B. Emerson Plunkett.
456
00:20:45,995 --> 00:20:47,855
ALL: Yeah![CAR REVS, STATUE THUDS]
457
00:20:47,863 --> 00:20:51,433
Then they got fined by the cityand had to put it back up,
458
00:20:51,434 --> 00:20:55,424
where it still standsproudly today.
459
00:20:55,421 --> 00:20:58,891
It is the South, after all.
460
00:21:00,842 --> 00:21:02,812
[♪]
461
00:21:33,909 --> 00:21:36,839
[English - US - Line 21]
462
00:21:36,889 --> 00:21:41,439
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