All language subtitles for The Cleveland Show s01e21 Youre the Best Man.eng

♪

Oh, Donna,
I'm so excited.

I thought this day
would never come.

Cleveland, it's the reading
of your ex-wife's will.

I know!

How you holding up,
big man?

Well, I'm okay,

but a part of me wishes
Mom would come back

so I could say
a proper good-bye.

Well, she's been gone
for three months.

I mean, if she
came back now,

her skin would be
all gray and rotten,

and she'd need to feast
on the living to survive.

But you remember
what to do

if she does
come back, right?

Destroy the head
or remove the brain.

Mm-hmm.

Well, I've looked over
Loretta's will,

and it's pretty
straightforward.

"I, Loretta Marie Callender
Brown, blah-blah-blah,

"do hereby leave my entire
estate to my son,

"Cleveland Orenthal Brown, Jr.,
blah-blah-blah.

"He is to have
unfettered access

to all assets
in the amount of..."

Hey, hey, hey!

Let me see that!

I'm sorry, Cleveland,
but the will stipulates

that you were to have
no knowledge of its details.

Look at these
juicy details.

Oh!

Cleveland,
I know how difficult

this must be for you;

your cheating ex-wife
got everything

in the divorce
and gave it all

to your dim-witted
or possibly brilliant son.

Dang!

Now, you could contest the will
and sue Junior for the money.

In the law profession,
we call that a "dick" move.

It's okay, Daddy.

I'll lend you all
the money you need.

I'm rich!

Ee... Unfortunately, Junior,
the will also states

that if you give a single penny
to your father,

Loretta's entire estate will go
to a Mr. Glenn Quagmire

of Quahog,
Rhode Island.

What?!

Or you can risk it all

for whatever's behind
door #2!

ALL:
Take the money! Take the money!

Len, I'm gonna keep the contents
of the will.

Then let's take a look
at what you didn't choose!

One day, my prince will come.

(funky disco plays)
♪ My name is Cleveland Brown

♪ And I am proud to be

♪ Right back in my hometown

♪ With my new family

♪ There's old friends
and new friends ♪

♪ And even a bear

♪ Through good times
and bad times ♪

♪ It's true love we share ♪

♪ And so I found a place

♪ Where everyone will know

♪ My happy mustached face

♪ This is The Cleveland Show. ♪

(chuckles)

So your husky son's got more
money than you now, huh?

Yeah.

This must be what it feels like
to be the father of that kid

on Two and a Half Men.

That kid's gotten so big,
Jon Cryer's now the half man.

(rim shot)

Thanks, Gus.

You got it, kid.

It must be especially difficult,

considering all that money
used to be yours.

I mean, what a nad punch.

I am very glad she's dead.

(rim shot)

Mm, these times.

Morning, Dad.

Check out
my new Eddie Bauer

limited edition
Boba Fett costume.

It comes
with a safari vest

and a contrived sense
of adventure.

I also got
a shawarma machine

so I can have succulent
lamb meat 24/7!

Mmm! If I ever did switch
to the Dark Side,

I'll call myself
"Darth Shawarma."

(giggles)

Mmm, I had to pay

my cell phone bill
with nickels.

How was your shopping spree,
Miss Donna?

It was great, Junior,

and thank you
for letting me use

your new AMEX card.

Cleveland only has
a prepaid debit card

for Magic Johnson's bank.

Yeah, everyone thought
they'd be gone years ago,

but they're still kicking.

Doing well, too!

God bless you, Magic!

Hey, Junior,
do you have my check?

Here you go.

What are you giving
her money for?

So I can buy
another new hat.

That's my thing.

I wear hats now.

Beep-beep!
Move it or lose it.

Hey, Donald Plump,

is my barbershop chair
here yet?

Not yet, but I'll let you know
as soon as it arrives.

Cool.

Hey, old man,
you got change for a hundred?

(laughs)

I'm just joshin'.

I know you don't.

Okay, enough of
this bullcrap!

How much money did
your mother leave you?

Well, I'm not allowed
to tell you,

but suffice it to say,
it was substantial.

With the sale of your deli,
Mom's life insurance policy,

and the reckless homicide
settlement I got

from Peter Griffin,
I did just fine.

Apparently, to pay for it,

Mr. Griffin had to get
a series of new jobs.

I didn't see it, but I heard
it was hilarious.

Not as hilarious
as it would have been

two or three years ago,

but there was still some
solid laughs there.

Daddy, if this money's
gonna come between us,

I'll give it all back.

Better not make he
give all back.

Kill you mo, take my money.

No, Junior,
I don't want you

to give back the money.

Good call, old man.

Hakeem Olajuwon...!

(doorbell rings)

(Rallo laughing)
Mom! What are you doing in town?!

Hello, dear! I wanted to come by
and thank Junior in person

for the beautiful gift
he sent me.

(whistles appreciatively)

That is swe-et!

Oh, Cookie,
it's you.

I thought I felt

the joy being sucked
out of my life.

Grandma!

There's my little
chameleon-aire.

Well, well, well,
look at you.

Your kid's rich,

and you're still
a broke-ass little chump.

And good morrow
to you, Father.

What are you guys
doing here?

We have some very
exciting news.

Cleveland, your father
and I are moving back

into our old house
right here in Stoolbend.

What?!
Yay!

Sweet greens
and submarines!

Why are you doing that?!

Because your mama and I
are getting remarried.

Get used to this
face, C cup,

'cause you gonna see it
all the damn time.

(both gasp)

And that is what we call
an "uh-oh moment."

Any questions?

Have you ever had
a screenplay produced?

Yes, I had a play produced.

I said screenplay.
Class dismissed.

Remarrying Dad?

Excuse me.

What are you doing?

I'm looking for your marbles

because apparently,
you've lost them!

Now, Cleveland,
I know your father and I

have had our problems,
but those days are behind us.

So you're just gonna forget

about the Waffle House
waitresses

and the JetBlue
stewardesses

and Greta Van Susteren?

That's all in the past, tubby.

I've changed.

9/11 will do that to a man.

9/11 was a decade ago!

I ain't got no Internet.

Besides, I don't want
to die alone.

Did you know

that not a single man
in our family

has lived past
the age of 63?

(gulps)

I did not.

And I'm gonna need someone
to take care of me.

How romantic.

What the hell you know
about romance, Clarissa?

You been with, what,
five women in your whole life?

I pleasured over 500 ladies
in my time.

And one guy.

I think we all

just need
to calm down.

Just because you put on weight
doesn't make you Oprah.

(angry grunt)

I think it's great

you two are
getting remarried.

It's like recycling,

except this isn't a complete
waste of time and effort.

See? Beanbag chair
gets it.

Ooh! I just had
a brainstorm!

And not the bad kind
I take medication for.

You should have
the wedding here

in the backyard,

and I'll pay
for the whole thing.

Oh, Junior,
we couldn't.

Bup-bup-bup!
Not another word.

It's my gift to you.

I'm doing it.
It's done.

This is gonna be
the best wedding ever!

Okay, that was one
of the bad brainstorms.

For a second, I thought
I was a falcon.

But I'm okay now.

I'm gonna go lie down.

Now we have to host
the wedding?!

I don't know why

she'd still want
to be with him.

The man's a grade-A heel.

Mm, now there's a crease.

I don't think
it's so surprising.

Every woman loves
a bad boy.

They're dangerous,
passionate, unpredictable.

Just when you're
about to yell at him

for punching out
a cop's horse,

he does something
nice for you

like shave your name
in the side of his head.

You try to tame him,
but you can't.

He's a wild animal.

(sighs)
But eventually,

you settle for stable
and predictable.

I bet you
can't predict

what I'm gonna
try tonight.

(sighs)
I bet I can.

No, Cleveland!

I love you.

I love you, too.

Cut it out!
Why?!

Good night, Cleveland.

Damn it, I said
good night!

I heard you
the first time!

Junior, you need
my help.

No one knows more about
weddings than I do.

I even saw most
of Bride Wars

until my body shut down
to protect itself.

I'm kind of busy
right now!

Yeah, crème brulée
is a great dessert.

Maybe I'll also order
a time machine

to take this wedding
back to 1998!

Honestly, Roberta,

I don't know how
your mother ended up

with such an
attractive daughter.

Look, I'll tell you
the same thing

I told my P.E. teacher
Miss Rayborn.

Look at 'em all you want,
but if you try to touch 'em,

I will take a bat
to your hairy knees.

Mm! Lord help
these children today.

No, I was just wondering
if you would make my wedding

more beautiful
by being a bridesmaid.

Oh, Miss Cookie,
I would love to!

(whispers):
You can touch one.

You know, Cookie,

I know we've had
our differences,

but if there's
anything I can do

to help you...

You can try to make me
some coffee

that doesn't taste
like a fart in the face.

So tomorrow's
your wedding night,

and you know
what that means.

Yes, I do.

What does it mean?

(laughs)

And what have
you boys been up to?

Just talking
to black Stewie here.

How about being our ring boy
on Saturday?

Honored. All right, Dad,

I'm gonna go practice my strut
down the aisle.

Check this.

Oh, yeah, a little something
like that right there.

Mm-hmm.

So the only thing left

for you to do
is ask Cleveland

to be your best man.

Puh! Now, why
would I do that?

Do it for me, LeVar.

And after all,
he is your only son.

(bell chiming punctuating
scene changes)

(bell chiming faster)

(tiger growls, birds tweeting)

(bell chiming rapidly)

Yeah, he is my only son.

You might just be
the blackest fellow I ever met.

"Freight Train." Cool name.

How'd you get it?

I destroyed your mama
on a train track.

Okay, who's up

for some beer pong?

So, getting
married, huh?

That's neat.

Yeah. Well, you know,
usually at a wedding,

there's a best man,

and since you're my son and all,

I was wondering...

Oh, my God!

Are you asking me
to be your best man?

Well, not if you're gonna be

a crying little
piss-pants about it.

I'm crying because
I peed my pants.

Oh, and it's on the chair!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

My dad asked me
to be his B.M. What?

His best man.

Get it?
(chuckles)

Yes, I do. Cleveland,

and I'm very
happy for you.

(sighs)

I wish I could get a little
respect from your mother.

I've done everything I can think
of to get her to like me,

but she just won't
give me a chance.

I'll be honest:
it's hurtful, Cleveland.

Ha! Women and
their problems.

Speaking of women
with problems,

I got to call that strip club
about the bachelor party. Mm...

(techno-pop playing)

Yeah!
Yeah, that's right.

Great seeing
you, sis.

Call Mom.

She worries.

Hey, Dad, what do you
say we take a break

from borderline cheating
on our ladies

and hit the gross
nacho bar.

Sounds like a plan.

We're bonding!

Hey, Doughboy,
what you doin' here?

They don't got men
dancing here. (laughs)

(laughing)

Mm. Dad, this is Donna's
ex-husband, Robert.

Robert, my dad,
Freight Train.

Damn, that's
a good grip.

See, Cleveland, that's how
you shake a man's hand.

(slap)
(gasps)

And that's how you
shake a loose can.

(both laughing)

Where you been
hiding this one at?

He's hilarious.

Hey, I got two-for-one coupons
for the champagne room.

What do you say we pick
one of these ladies

and make her regret
coming to work tonight?

(both laughing)

I like how you think.

Catch you later, Doughboy.

Why are you sitting
all by yourself?

Strip clubs aren't ideal
for a guy like me

who doesn't, um,
wear pants.

Where's your dad?

With Robert,
disrespecting some poor girl

who's probably just
a struggling college student

who works here for
the tuition money

and not at all because
she was molested.

Oh, I guess I should
just be grateful

we're finally
getting along.

The father-son relationship
is tricky.

My dad and I didn't talk
for years

after I stole Arianna
away from him.

What?! You did?!

(sighs) I've told you
that story, like, six times.

You know, you don't,
you don't listen too good. You really should...

Hey, look,
my dad's back.

(laughing)
Oh, man.

Ha, ha, ha, why
are we laughing?

What's the joke?

You're the joke.

I'm out.

See you tomorrow.
1:00.

You-you invited Robert
to the wedding?

He did one more
than that.

Your dad asked me
to be his best man.

What?!

But I'm your best man.

How could he do this to me?

If it's any consolation,
you're the best man I know.

Tim, uh...

No, no, it's okay.
No, it's okay.

Cleveland, come
here, buddy.

Uh, uh, uh,
uh. Oh.

(playing classical music)

A bunch of people here
think I'm a dentist,

so if it comes up,
play it cool. (giggling)

Stupid, dumb wedding!

Where's Grandpa?

The wedding's supposed
to start any minute, and no one's seen him.

I don't know where he is.

Why don't you ask
his best man.

Well, he's not
here either.

And they'd better
show up soon.

That Mickey Rourke
ice sculpture

can't much more
of this heat.

That's not an
ice sculpture.

(sobbing)

He's not coming, is he?

No, Cleveland,
I don't think he is.

I'm sorry, Mom.

Dad always treated
you so terribly.

He never deserved you.

He's a son of a bitch.

Oh, Cleveland, you don't know
your father as well as I do.

Whenever I needed something
fixed around the house,

he'd be there.

And when I was feeling low,
he'd fry some fish for me.

And well, I know you're my son,
but, my word,

that man can tag it, bag it,
and sell it to the butcher. Mm!

Okay.

We've been having booty calls
for years.

So I finally said, "LeVar, if
you want to keep hitting this,

you'd better put a ring on it."

Please stop talking.

(voice breaking):
I love your father, Cleveland,

but I guess he just doesn't feel
the same way about me.

Where you going?

I'm taking the 4:15
back to Petersburg.

There's too many
painful memories here.

I'm so sick of this!

We've been taking crap
from Dad our whole lives

and I've never
said a word!

I'm going to find him and
give him a piece of my mind.

Stay away from his grits,
Cleveland.

A woman needs
what a woman needs.

(groans)

Show time.

Wake up!

What the hell you
think you're doing?

You left Mom at the altar, and
I'm going to make you regret it.

You think you're ready?

Damn right.

Then let's dance, chubby.

(yelling)

(grunting)

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

Oh, I hate that.
Stop it! Stop it!

Fine.

You know, Dad, you might
be bigger than me

and stronger than me,

but I'm more of a man
than you'll ever be.

How you figure?

Because you're a coward.

You're afraid to go
all in with Mom,

because if you ever
let your guard down

and show her
who you really are,

she might not like
what she sees.

And then you'd be
the one getting hurt.

You're right, Cleveland.

I am afraid.

Your mama's a good woman.

What if I'm a worse husband
to her than I was the last time?

Isn't possible.

(chuckles)

All right, but if
she don't take me back,

I'm gonna make
you my wife.

And you shall
be my husband.

Mom's gonna catch
a bus in 15 minutes.

Oh, hell no.

She gonna be riding
on the Freight Train.

I'm gonna tear
your mama up.

What's up with you and Mom
talking to your child that way?

Both of you.

(engine starting)

(tires squealing)

Why is everyone
still here?

The wedding was supposed
to be hours ago.

You're right,
Cleveland.

We're invited to lots
of weddings with an open bar

and no one shooing us away
from the free shrimp.

We're gonna leave just 'cause
the groom don't show up!

(all laughing)

Yeah, that's
who we are.

(all laughing)

Cookie, listen...

No, LeVar, you listen.

If you don't care enough
to be on time for our wedding,

then you don't deserve
to be my husband.

Mom, wait.

We all know Freight Train sucks,
but he loves you,

and he wants to grow old
with you.

And there's something
very important

he wants to say to you.

Cookie, I'm sorry.

LeVar, in 41 years,
you've never apologized to me for anything.

Never did anything
wrong up to now.

(both laughing)

Looks like we're
getting married.

(cheering)

But I don't need this
big fancy wedding.

Let's just go
down to city hall.

CLEVELAND JR.:
The hell you will.

You are getting married
here today.

Now everybody get your ass
in the backyard

before I turn this
into a funeral.

(backup warning beeps)

Nice work, tubby.

I was wondering--

how'd you like to be
my best man again?

I appreciate you asking,

but I've been asked to play
a more important role in this wedding.

("Wedding March" playing)

Ugh.

Oh, no...

Ugh.

I'm not gonna make it.

(guests gasping)

(groaning)

(horn playing funk intro)

♪ Hey, get on up

♪ A-get up, get on up

♪ Stay on the scene, get on up

♪ Like a sex machine,
get on up ♪

♪ A-get up, get on up

♪ A-get up, get on up

♪ Oh, Cookie up there

♪ My man Freight Train

♪ Tonight's the night ♪

♪ You're gonna get down ♪

♪ All right

♪ Mr. and Mrs. Brown
goin' to town ♪

♪ That's what
I'm talking about. ♪

Now, who give this here woman
to be married to this here man?

Her baby boy does.
(kisses)

By the power vested in me by
the Commonwealth of Virginia,

and Almighty Thor,
God of Thunder,

I pronounce you
husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

(passionate moaning)

(applause)

(moaning continues)

(cheering)

Well, they made it
through the whole season.

Now can I have my
own show, Peter?

Quagmire, you're a rapist.

(muttering)

To the new Mr. and Mrs. LeVar
and Evelyn Cookie Brown!

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

Earth, Wind & Fire.

♪ Do you remember the
21st night of September? ♪

♪ Love was changing the minds
of pretenders ♪

♪ While chasing
the clouds away ♪

♪ Ba de ya,
say do you remember ♪

♪ Ba de ya,
dancing in September ♪

♪ Ba de ya,
never was a cloudy day... ♪

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