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1
00:00:01,534 --> 00:00:03,804
♪ My name is Cleveland Brown
2
00:00:03,804 --> 00:00:06,144
♪ And I am proud to be
3
00:00:06,140 --> 00:00:08,410
♪ Right back in my hometown
4
00:00:08,409 --> 00:00:10,839
♪ With my new family
5
00:00:10,845 --> 00:00:13,605
♪ There's old friends
and new friends ♪
6
00:00:13,614 --> 00:00:15,454
♪ And even a bear
7
00:00:15,449 --> 00:00:17,679
♪ Through good times
and bad times ♪
8
00:00:17,685 --> 00:00:19,585
♪ It's true love we share ♪
9
00:00:19,587 --> 00:00:21,717
♪ And so I found a place
10
00:00:21,722 --> 00:00:23,892
♪ Where everyone will know
11
00:00:23,891 --> 00:00:25,891
♪ My happy mustached face
12
00:00:25,893 --> 00:00:28,893
♪ This is The Cleveland Show. ♪
13
00:00:28,896 --> 00:00:30,756
(chuckles)
14
00:00:41,241 --> 00:00:42,911
Cover that butt crack.
15
00:00:42,910 --> 00:00:44,240
Cover that belly.
16
00:00:44,245 --> 00:00:46,475
Cover something!
17
00:00:46,480 --> 00:00:49,110
(explosion)
18
00:00:49,749 --> 00:00:50,879
No, it's a
chemical fire--
19
00:00:50,885 --> 00:00:52,315
you can't use water.
20
00:00:52,319 --> 00:00:55,419
We'll have to neutralize it
with calcium and boron.
21
00:00:57,557 --> 00:00:59,157
(hissing, gurgling)
22
00:00:59,160 --> 00:01:00,930
(tinkling)
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00:01:00,928 --> 00:01:02,898
By the way, that's edible.
24
00:01:02,897 --> 00:01:05,127
Help! Derek's choking!
25
00:01:05,865 --> 00:01:06,725
(gasping)
26
00:01:06,734 --> 00:01:09,134
It's not working!
27
00:01:12,639 --> 00:01:14,409
(pants, sighs weakly)
28
00:01:16,342 --> 00:01:17,282
(loud gasp)
29
00:01:17,278 --> 00:01:18,508
He can breathe!
30
00:01:18,512 --> 00:01:21,182
Ha! Mrs. Brown
just throated me.
31
00:01:21,182 --> 00:01:22,852
Ha. Ha.
32
00:01:23,616 --> 00:01:26,616
(grunting)
33
00:01:26,620 --> 00:01:28,790
What the Sam Hill
is going on in here?
34
00:01:28,789 --> 00:01:31,719
Oh, Donna, you're just in time
for the inaugural run
35
00:01:31,725 --> 00:01:35,425
of the Brown family's
Blizzard of Bucks Machine!
36
00:01:35,429 --> 00:01:37,159
(cheering)
37
00:01:37,164 --> 00:01:38,264
Yeah!
38
00:01:38,265 --> 00:01:39,395
Oh, hell, no.
39
00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:40,500
Shut it down.
40
00:01:40,501 --> 00:01:42,231
(machine powers down,
all groaning)
41
00:01:42,236 --> 00:01:43,736
Oh, man.
Come on, Donna.
42
00:01:43,737 --> 00:01:44,797
You can play, too.
43
00:01:44,805 --> 00:01:45,865
Cleveland, I
had a long day,
44
00:01:45,873 --> 00:01:47,973
(echoing): and I'm in
no mood for your nonsense.
45
00:01:47,975 --> 00:01:52,535
Well, I hope you're in the
mood for... cold, hard cash!
46
00:01:52,546 --> 00:01:55,446
(machine whirs;
all cheering, whooping)
47
00:01:57,450 --> 00:01:58,320
Come on, baby!
48
00:01:58,319 --> 00:02:00,919
Big money, money, money,
money, money, money!
49
00:02:00,921 --> 00:02:02,721
(camera clicks)
50
00:02:04,591 --> 00:02:05,921
(buzzer sounds)
Time's up.
51
00:02:05,926 --> 00:02:07,886
You didn't
get any bucks!
52
00:02:07,895 --> 00:02:10,055
Donna, you suck at
Blizzard of Bucks!
53
00:02:10,064 --> 00:02:11,704
Who paid
for this machine?
54
00:02:11,699 --> 00:02:14,769
Donna, it pays
for itself.
55
00:02:14,768 --> 00:02:15,928
Out! Everybody out!
56
00:02:15,936 --> 00:02:17,866
Adios.
We can take a clue.
57
00:02:17,872 --> 00:02:19,372
Nice boobs.
58
00:02:19,873 --> 00:02:22,373
So, you wear a wig.
59
00:02:22,376 --> 00:02:24,576
I haven't had time
to color my gray.
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00:02:24,578 --> 00:02:25,878
(screaming)
61
00:02:25,880 --> 00:02:26,810
(music plays on TV)
62
00:02:26,814 --> 00:02:28,684
I'm Kim Kardashian.
63
00:02:28,682 --> 00:02:30,582
There's two things I know:
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00:02:30,584 --> 00:02:32,584
(bleep) and jeans.
65
00:02:32,586 --> 00:02:35,916
And these are great
(bleep) jeans.
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00:02:35,923 --> 00:02:37,363
Kardashians.
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00:02:37,358 --> 00:02:37,858
The only jeans
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00:02:37,858 --> 00:02:40,628
with my own patented
dual-zipper technology.
69
00:02:40,628 --> 00:02:41,688
Kardashians.
70
00:02:41,695 --> 00:02:42,825
Because I'm worth it.
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00:02:42,830 --> 00:02:45,000
Outcall only,
no kissing on the mouth.
72
00:02:44,999 --> 00:02:45,859
Mom!
73
00:02:45,866 --> 00:02:48,296
I need $300
to buy a pair of trendy jeans!
74
00:02:48,302 --> 00:02:51,802
DONNA: Do I look like Richard
Branson, The Rebel Billionaire?
75
00:02:51,805 --> 00:02:52,965
You got money!
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00:02:52,973 --> 00:02:54,113
Not that much!
77
00:02:54,108 --> 00:02:54,968
RALLO:
I do.
78
00:02:54,975 --> 00:02:58,205
I have $322 in
my piggy bank.
79
00:02:58,212 --> 00:03:00,282
How'd you get so much money?
80
00:03:00,281 --> 00:03:02,651
Because I know how to save.
81
00:03:02,650 --> 00:03:05,320
And I've lost a lot of teeth.
82
00:03:05,319 --> 00:03:07,249
And I still have my looks.
83
00:03:07,254 --> 00:03:08,924
You're starting to get saggy.
84
00:03:08,923 --> 00:03:09,823
And... (grunts)
85
00:03:09,823 --> 00:03:15,063
Rallo, this is not the time
of the month to piss me off!
86
00:03:15,062 --> 00:03:16,092
Time of the month?!
87
00:03:16,096 --> 00:03:17,656
What's she talkin' about?
88
00:03:17,665 --> 00:03:20,295
Dan cra chick
fro a pilla at me.
89
00:03:20,301 --> 00:03:24,301
Tryin' to eat my
dan chip. Shoot.
90
00:03:25,939 --> 00:03:28,309
She's making you
return the Blizzard?
91
00:03:28,309 --> 00:03:28,969
I guess we know
92
00:03:28,976 --> 00:03:32,406
who wears the male genitals
in your family.
93
00:03:32,413 --> 00:03:34,913
Oh, pul-eese Louise.
94
00:03:34,915 --> 00:03:36,875
Donna's not
the boss of me.
95
00:03:36,884 --> 00:03:39,954
Look, Cleveland, all
of us have bossy wives.
96
00:03:39,954 --> 00:03:41,554
Or mothers.
You got to just
97
00:03:41,555 --> 00:03:43,355
figure out a way
to deal with them.
98
00:03:43,357 --> 00:03:44,217
I happen to be blessed
99
00:03:44,225 --> 00:03:46,015
with a wife who's
morbidly obese.
100
00:03:46,026 --> 00:03:48,486
All I have to do is
go through a doorway,
101
00:03:48,495 --> 00:03:49,625
and I'm golden.
102
00:03:49,630 --> 00:03:51,330
Well, when Arianna
gets me angry,
103
00:03:51,332 --> 00:03:55,072
I just log on to message boards
of random topics,
104
00:03:55,069 --> 00:03:58,369
and I post awful
personal things about her.
105
00:03:58,372 --> 00:04:00,642
And I sign it "Tom the Bear,"
106
00:04:00,641 --> 00:04:02,771
so she could never
trace it back to me.
107
00:04:02,776 --> 00:04:04,576
Hmm. I need
to talk to Donna,
108
00:04:04,578 --> 00:04:06,608
and I'll have
to be firm with her,
109
00:04:06,614 --> 00:04:08,584
like I was
with that homeless man.
110
00:04:08,582 --> 00:04:10,082
Spare some change?
111
00:04:10,084 --> 00:04:12,454
No. I'm sorry.
112
00:04:17,290 --> 00:04:19,460
Little help?
113
00:04:21,527 --> 00:04:21,927
All right!
114
00:04:21,929 --> 00:04:26,969
I'm gonna go buy a tent
so I can sleep outside for fun!
115
00:04:28,801 --> 00:04:31,001
Yo, Ro, squat
or get off the pot!
116
00:04:31,005 --> 00:04:34,505
Rallo, I told you, this is
a difficult time for me!
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00:04:34,508 --> 00:04:35,908
Leave me alone!
118
00:04:35,909 --> 00:04:36,809
(Roberta cries)
119
00:04:36,810 --> 00:04:37,910
Man just want to go to bed
120
00:04:37,911 --> 00:04:41,481
without his breath stankin'
all to be damned.
121
00:04:42,715 --> 00:04:46,015
Great. Now I got
to get a new toothbrush.
122
00:04:47,453 --> 00:04:49,993
Max-eye Pads?
123
00:04:51,457 --> 00:04:53,157
(screaming)
124
00:04:53,160 --> 00:04:56,360
The blood! The horror!
125
00:04:56,363 --> 00:04:58,633
Roberta's dying!
126
00:04:58,632 --> 00:05:01,372
(screaming)
127
00:05:03,002 --> 00:05:04,802
You know, I've been thinkin'.
128
00:05:04,805 --> 00:05:05,965
You sure are wonderful.
129
00:05:05,973 --> 00:05:09,413
Cleveland, you're not keeping
the stupid money storm game.
130
00:05:09,410 --> 00:05:10,610
Blizzard of Bucks.
131
00:05:10,611 --> 00:05:11,641
Donna, come on.
132
00:05:11,645 --> 00:05:13,505
There's nothing
to do at my house
133
00:05:13,514 --> 00:05:14,684
when the guys come over.
134
00:05:14,682 --> 00:05:18,822
Holt has a Pop-A-Shot,
Tim has table tennis,
135
00:05:18,819 --> 00:05:20,819
Lester has tetherball,
136
00:05:20,821 --> 00:05:22,021
and all I got is...
137
00:05:22,022 --> 00:05:23,562
Ooh, thank you kindly.
138
00:05:23,557 --> 00:05:24,617
...is marbles.
139
00:05:24,625 --> 00:05:28,385
And nobody plays marbles
anymore, Donna.
140
00:05:28,395 --> 00:05:29,925
Nobody.
141
00:05:29,930 --> 00:05:31,560
Oh, Cleveland,
that is not pink.
142
00:05:31,565 --> 00:05:32,855
You asked for pink.
143
00:05:32,866 --> 00:05:34,166
(snaps fingers)
Waiter!
144
00:05:34,168 --> 00:05:35,668
Is there a problem?
145
00:05:35,669 --> 00:05:37,639
My husband's steak
is the problem.
146
00:05:37,638 --> 00:05:38,398
He asked for it pink.
147
00:05:38,405 --> 00:05:41,305
I'm just going to cover it
in ketchup anyway.
148
00:05:41,308 --> 00:05:43,708
Cleveland, hush.
Pink.
149
00:05:43,711 --> 00:05:45,681
(sighs)
150
00:05:46,646 --> 00:05:50,746
Donna, if I were watching us
on TV right now, I would say,
151
00:05:50,751 --> 00:05:54,021
"That handsome gentleman's
wife is pushy.
152
00:05:54,021 --> 00:05:54,921
"And I'll bet you
153
00:05:54,922 --> 00:05:57,492
sometimes she embarrasses him
around his friends."
154
00:05:57,491 --> 00:06:01,191
Then I would continue watching,
in hopes that they would explain
155
00:06:01,195 --> 00:06:03,625
what happened
to that sad waiter's leg.
156
00:06:03,630 --> 00:06:06,570
Look, Cleveland, I was born
with my dial set to eight,
157
00:06:06,567 --> 00:06:08,027
but life cranked it up to ten.
158
00:06:08,035 --> 00:06:10,095
That's what happens
when you're a single mom
159
00:06:10,104 --> 00:06:11,104
for as long as I was.
160
00:06:11,105 --> 00:06:13,205
And there's no
dialing me down now!
161
00:06:13,207 --> 00:06:14,467
Where's that steak?!
162
00:06:14,475 --> 00:06:17,535
Donna, let's try
some role playing.
163
00:06:17,544 --> 00:06:18,944
I'm Cleveland roll.
164
00:06:18,946 --> 00:06:20,906
I have a reasonable request.
165
00:06:20,914 --> 00:06:22,954
I'm Donna roll.
I'm bossy,
166
00:06:22,950 --> 00:06:26,550
and you can't have
a Blizzard of Bucks machine.
167
00:06:26,553 --> 00:06:28,093
And I'm Esther roll.
168
00:06:28,088 --> 00:06:31,788
Oh, J.J.,
you'd better not join a gang!
169
00:06:31,792 --> 00:06:35,192
Oh, for God's sake, will you
stop your dippin' and dappin'
170
00:06:35,195 --> 00:06:37,025
if I let you keep
that stupid game?
171
00:06:37,030 --> 00:06:40,500
And go get some new money
to put in it tonight?!
172
00:06:40,501 --> 00:06:41,671
Yes, Cleveland.
173
00:06:41,668 --> 00:06:42,968
Thank you, Donna.
174
00:06:42,970 --> 00:06:45,040
Michael, where's Thelma?
175
00:06:45,038 --> 00:06:47,108
Run along, Bookman.
176
00:06:47,107 --> 00:06:49,137
James is dead?!
177
00:06:49,143 --> 00:06:52,283
Damn. Damn. Damn!
178
00:06:52,279 --> 00:06:53,549
Sorry this took so long.
179
00:06:53,547 --> 00:06:56,647
I don't move so quickly
since I lost my leg.
180
00:06:56,650 --> 00:07:00,520
To an infection that wasn't
covered by my insurance.
181
00:07:00,521 --> 00:07:01,491
Yes!
182
00:07:01,488 --> 00:07:03,658
This show delivers!
183
00:07:04,023 --> 00:07:05,023
Maybe you could
ask the guys
184
00:07:05,025 --> 00:07:07,155
to bring some
of their money, too.
185
00:07:07,161 --> 00:07:09,061
They never want to.
186
00:07:09,262 --> 00:07:11,462
(gun cocks)
(both gasping)
187
00:07:11,465 --> 00:07:12,595
I'll take that.
188
00:07:12,599 --> 00:07:13,229
Yes, you will.
189
00:07:13,233 --> 00:07:14,733
Enjoy your
evening, sir.
190
00:07:14,735 --> 00:07:16,295
And I'll take
your ring.
191
00:07:16,303 --> 00:07:17,673
My wedding ring?!
192
00:07:17,671 --> 00:07:19,601
The hell you will!
193
00:07:19,606 --> 00:07:20,336
Donna, no!
194
00:07:20,340 --> 00:07:22,940
Just give
him the ring!
195
00:07:22,943 --> 00:07:25,513
(whimpering)
196
00:07:28,114 --> 00:07:30,654
CLEVELAND:
Ow!
197
00:07:31,584 --> 00:07:32,924
(grunts)
198
00:07:33,586 --> 00:07:35,546
Don't die, baby.
199
00:07:35,556 --> 00:07:38,616
God don't want you yet!
200
00:07:38,625 --> 00:07:43,055
Damn. Damn. Damn!
201
00:07:46,933 --> 00:07:49,903
Oh, Cleveland, thank God you
were only shot in the arm.
202
00:07:49,903 --> 00:07:52,803
Two minutes ago, it really
seemed like you were dead.
203
00:07:52,806 --> 00:07:53,636
Don't worry, Daddy.
204
00:07:53,640 --> 00:07:56,740
I'm gonna bathe you
and feed you and wipe you,
205
00:07:56,743 --> 00:07:59,713
just like you did me
when I was a baby.
206
00:07:59,713 --> 00:08:00,713
Thank you, Junior.
207
00:08:00,714 --> 00:08:03,184
Don't let him do any
of those things to me, Donna.
208
00:08:03,183 --> 00:08:04,723
Junior, could you
give us a minute?
209
00:08:04,718 --> 00:08:06,218
Sure. I'll hit
the maternity ward
210
00:08:06,220 --> 00:08:09,860
and look at the chicken people
in the incubators.
211
00:08:09,857 --> 00:08:10,857
Look at you, all shot up
212
00:08:10,858 --> 00:08:13,158
'cause I couldn't
keep my mouth shut.
213
00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:15,090
I'm so sorry, Cleveland.
214
00:08:15,095 --> 00:08:16,125
You were right about me.
215
00:08:16,129 --> 00:08:17,899
But I'm done being
the old Donna.
216
00:08:17,898 --> 00:08:21,668
From now on, I'm dialing
it back to a four.
217
00:08:21,668 --> 00:08:22,628
Four what?
218
00:08:22,636 --> 00:08:24,836
Oh, right--
your dial metaphor thing.
219
00:08:24,838 --> 00:08:27,608
I forgot about that
after I got shot.
220
00:08:27,608 --> 00:08:29,468
So what did the police say?
221
00:08:29,476 --> 00:08:30,906
They say they're
not investigating
222
00:08:30,911 --> 00:08:34,211
white on black crimes...
because of the economy.
223
00:08:34,214 --> 00:08:37,924
ROBERTA:
Girl, I was doubled over in pain all morning.
224
00:08:37,918 --> 00:08:39,948
I barely made
it to class.
225
00:08:39,953 --> 00:08:43,123
Thank God it'll
all be over soon.
226
00:08:43,123 --> 00:08:48,233
Roberta, I know you're dying
a horrible, blood-gushing death!
227
00:08:48,228 --> 00:08:51,358
What?!
I've seen the bandages in the bathroom.
228
00:08:51,365 --> 00:08:53,265
The disgusting bandages!
229
00:08:53,267 --> 00:08:56,027
Oh, my God.
Rallo, I'm not...
230
00:08:56,036 --> 00:08:57,266
I will do anything I can
231
00:08:57,271 --> 00:09:00,271
to make your last days
more pleasant.
232
00:09:00,274 --> 00:09:01,744
Anything.
233
00:09:02,408 --> 00:09:05,978
I have the flesh-eating virus.
234
00:09:05,979 --> 00:09:07,709
My stars!
235
00:09:07,714 --> 00:09:09,454
Yes, it's tragic.
236
00:09:09,449 --> 00:09:12,019
I guess it woulds help
237
00:09:12,019 --> 00:09:14,149
if I could be buried
in the right outfit.
238
00:09:14,154 --> 00:09:16,994
Kardashian Jeans--
it has to be Kardashians.
239
00:09:16,990 --> 00:09:18,820
But I don't have the $300.
240
00:09:18,825 --> 00:09:22,685
That's a lot of money
for some pants we're gonna bury.
241
00:09:22,696 --> 00:09:24,156
(coughing loudly)
242
00:09:24,164 --> 00:09:25,634
No, no, I'll get 'em.
243
00:09:25,632 --> 00:09:26,362
I have money.
244
00:09:26,366 --> 00:09:27,666
And could you
clean my room?
245
00:09:27,668 --> 00:09:30,138
Of course
I'll clean your room.
246
00:09:30,937 --> 00:09:32,637
(inhaling)
247
00:09:32,639 --> 00:09:35,069
♪ If you leave me now
248
00:09:35,075 --> 00:09:40,245
♪ You take away
the biggest part of me ♪
249
00:09:40,247 --> 00:09:41,377
♪ Ooh-ooh, my, my
250
00:09:41,381 --> 00:09:45,321
♪ I just got to have
your lovin', yeah. ♪
251
00:09:46,886 --> 00:09:49,216
Guys, you're never
gonna believe what-- (applause)
252
00:09:49,222 --> 00:09:52,292
Hey, it's bad,
bad Cleveland Brown!
253
00:09:52,292 --> 00:09:53,792
I'm sorry.
What's happening?
254
00:09:53,794 --> 00:09:56,164
We heard you got shot
saving Donna's life.
255
00:09:56,163 --> 00:09:59,733
Cleveland, you're number one
on my dog list-- top dog.
256
00:09:59,733 --> 00:10:01,133
Number two? Favre.
257
00:10:01,134 --> 00:10:03,374
Fellas, please.
I'm no hero.
258
00:10:03,370 --> 00:10:06,170
Uh, well, no-no one actually
used the word her...
259
00:10:06,173 --> 00:10:07,243
To Cleveland!
260
00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:08,370
ALL:
To Cleveland!
261
00:10:08,375 --> 00:10:09,975
Aye, is that
Cleveland Brown?
262
00:10:09,977 --> 00:10:13,007
I heard he killed
ten men with his bare hands!
263
00:10:13,013 --> 00:10:15,783
Aye, and I heard he
has the head of a man
264
00:10:15,782 --> 00:10:16,982
and the body of a lion.
265
00:10:16,984 --> 00:10:18,724
What? He's sitting
right there!
266
00:10:18,719 --> 00:10:20,819
He clearly doesn't
have a lion's body.
267
00:10:20,821 --> 00:10:23,991
Either play the game
or don't, Chad.
268
00:10:26,058 --> 00:10:28,328
(Cleveland whistling)
269
00:10:28,328 --> 00:10:29,998
(phone ringing)
270
00:10:29,997 --> 00:10:31,797
Talk to me.
271
00:10:31,798 --> 00:10:33,498
The Dan Rather?
272
00:10:33,500 --> 00:10:36,100
Wants me to be
on his show tomorrow?
273
00:10:36,103 --> 00:10:38,243
Hell, yeah,
ya'mo be there.
274
00:10:38,238 --> 00:10:41,208
That was the producer
of Rather Early.
275
00:10:41,208 --> 00:10:45,778
They want me to come on and
tell the story of my heroism!
276
00:10:45,779 --> 00:10:46,409
Oh, boy!
277
00:10:46,413 --> 00:10:48,213
I better go change
my Facebook status
278
00:10:48,215 --> 00:10:51,875
from "Cleveland Brown, Jr.
is playing marbles with Ernie,"
279
00:10:51,885 --> 00:10:54,385
to "Cleveland Brown, Jr.
is excited
280
00:10:54,388 --> 00:10:57,488
about his dad being on TV"!
281
00:10:57,491 --> 00:10:58,491
Mwah.
282
00:10:58,492 --> 00:10:59,322
Hello, dear.
283
00:10:59,326 --> 00:11:02,386
Here's your martini,
your newspaper and your pipe.
284
00:11:02,396 --> 00:11:04,326
I'll be here if
you need something.
285
00:11:04,331 --> 00:11:07,101
Otherwise, I'll keep
my mouth shut. Oh, I get it.
286
00:11:07,100 --> 00:11:10,000
When I got shot, I actually
died and went to heaven.
287
00:11:10,003 --> 00:11:13,203
Because heaven is a place where
women will bring you a drink
288
00:11:13,206 --> 00:11:16,306
without any lip and keep
their opinions to themselves,
289
00:11:16,309 --> 00:11:20,049
because they realize
their words are just noise.
290
00:11:20,047 --> 00:11:21,347
Mm-hmm.
291
00:11:21,348 --> 00:11:22,448
I like new Donna.
292
00:11:22,449 --> 00:11:24,619
I was even thinking
tonight we could try
293
00:11:24,618 --> 00:11:28,818
that thing you've
always wanted to try.
294
00:11:28,822 --> 00:11:29,852
(giggles)
295
00:11:29,856 --> 00:11:31,556
You know, in the bedroom?
296
00:11:31,558 --> 00:11:33,828
You mean...?
That's right.
297
00:11:33,827 --> 00:11:36,427
You on top.
298
00:11:39,532 --> 00:11:41,372
You're doing
Roberta's laundry?
299
00:11:41,368 --> 00:11:43,368
Rallo, I don't know
what's going on,
300
00:11:43,370 --> 00:11:45,770
but I suspect Roberta
is playing you.
301
00:11:45,772 --> 00:11:47,872
Don't you talk that way
about my sister.
302
00:11:47,874 --> 00:11:49,414
She's dying, Mama!
303
00:11:49,409 --> 00:11:51,339
What?
What makes you say that?
304
00:11:51,344 --> 00:11:53,814
I found her
soiled bandages--
305
00:11:53,814 --> 00:11:55,184
the Max-eye Pads.
306
00:11:55,182 --> 00:11:58,552
Max-eye...
(gasps, laughs)
307
00:11:58,552 --> 00:12:00,052
Oh, Rallo!
308
00:12:00,053 --> 00:12:02,953
Oh, I'm sending this one
in to Parade magazine.
309
00:12:02,956 --> 00:12:05,016
Oh, I'm glad you find
it so delightful.
310
00:12:05,025 --> 00:12:08,785
Your daughter's not long
for this earth, woman!
311
00:12:08,795 --> 00:12:10,055
Rallo, sit.
312
00:12:10,063 --> 00:12:11,863
How do I put this?
313
00:12:11,865 --> 00:12:15,365
Once a month, a woman
bleeds uncontrollably.
314
00:12:15,368 --> 00:12:17,898
From where?
From her (whistles).
315
00:12:17,904 --> 00:12:19,404
Oh.
316
00:12:19,406 --> 00:12:20,366
(vomits)
317
00:12:20,373 --> 00:12:22,813
(audience cheering)
318
00:12:23,142 --> 00:12:25,412
Good morning,
I'm Dan Rather,
319
00:12:25,412 --> 00:12:26,912
news veteran of 44 years,
320
00:12:26,913 --> 00:12:31,183
and now reduced to co-hosting
this local morning chat show.
321
00:12:31,184 --> 00:12:33,054
Just passing the time
till I die.
322
00:12:33,053 --> 00:12:38,163
And I've stopped taking my heart
medication, so... any day now.
323
00:12:38,158 --> 00:12:40,158
With me, as always,
is Tila Tequila.
324
00:12:40,160 --> 00:12:41,930
(audience cheering)
What up, bitches!
325
00:12:41,928 --> 00:12:43,828
I make out with girls.
326
00:12:43,830 --> 00:12:45,160
Can you handle it?
327
00:12:45,165 --> 00:12:46,025
(cheering)
328
00:12:46,032 --> 00:12:47,632
(sighs)
Thank you, Tila.
329
00:12:47,634 --> 00:12:50,274
Coming up later--
hold on to your hubcaps--
330
00:12:50,270 --> 00:12:53,270
Stoolbend's only Mexican
will be showing us
331
00:12:53,273 --> 00:12:54,613
how to make "tack-os."
332
00:12:54,608 --> 00:12:57,108
I got a taco right here.
333
00:12:58,177 --> 00:12:59,077
Gross.
334
00:12:59,079 --> 00:13:00,849
Now, we meet
the brave citizen
335
00:13:00,847 --> 00:13:02,147
who fought off
a crazed gunman.
336
00:13:02,149 --> 00:13:05,019
Please welcome local hero,
Cleveland Brown.
337
00:13:05,018 --> 00:13:06,518
(cheering)
Hey! Hey! Hey!
338
00:13:06,520 --> 00:13:08,420
What's the frequency,
Kenneth?!
339
00:13:08,421 --> 00:13:10,221
(laughing)
I'm just playing.
340
00:13:10,223 --> 00:13:12,223
But seriously, dawg,
you know what it's like
341
00:13:12,225 --> 00:13:14,585
to be confronted
by a straight-up madman?
342
00:13:14,594 --> 00:13:16,264
This punk-ass fool
took my scrilla,
343
00:13:16,263 --> 00:13:18,303
then he be tryin'
to take my queen's bling.
344
00:13:18,298 --> 00:13:19,728
That's when I made
him recognize.
345
00:13:19,733 --> 00:13:23,403
Probbum is, crackhead was
strapped, so I got sprayed.
346
00:13:23,403 --> 00:13:24,203
What?
347
00:13:24,204 --> 00:13:25,104
Mr. Brown, Rather Early
348
00:13:25,105 --> 00:13:27,005
has exclusively
obtained this video
349
00:13:27,007 --> 00:13:30,277
from the ATM security camera
where the incident took place.
350
00:13:30,277 --> 00:13:34,447
What?! I wasn't told there
would be a clip, Dan.
351
00:13:34,447 --> 00:13:36,407
(nervous laughter)
352
00:13:36,882 --> 00:13:39,282
(audience exclaiming, booing)
353
00:13:39,286 --> 00:13:40,886
(gasps)
354
00:13:45,291 --> 00:13:48,061
All right, Favre, helmet on.
You're in.
355
00:13:48,061 --> 00:13:51,061
Hey, look,
our ATM's on TV!
356
00:13:51,064 --> 00:13:53,604
We, we're famous!
357
00:13:53,600 --> 00:13:55,230
(booing)
358
00:13:57,036 --> 00:14:01,136
So, Donna, how does it
feel to be married to a joke?
359
00:14:01,141 --> 00:14:03,941
And not a good joke,
but a bad joke,
360
00:14:03,944 --> 00:14:05,044
like that one I heard
361
00:14:05,045 --> 00:14:07,175
on Saturday Night Livethat one time.
362
00:14:07,180 --> 00:14:09,480
Oh, I won't have my
man comparing himself
363
00:14:09,482 --> 00:14:11,482
to anything on NBC.
364
00:14:11,484 --> 00:14:12,584
You're right, damn it!
365
00:14:12,586 --> 00:14:15,516
I'm gonna go out there
and get your ring back!
366
00:14:15,522 --> 00:14:18,122
Because I'm better than NBC!
367
00:14:18,124 --> 00:14:20,994
They never gave
Kath & Kim sa chance!
368
00:14:20,994 --> 00:14:24,504
Cute show-- Molly Shannon,
somebody else.
369
00:14:24,497 --> 00:14:26,297
Mmm, Molly Shannon.
370
00:14:26,299 --> 00:14:29,799
Those underpants when she
fell into all those chairs.
371
00:14:29,803 --> 00:14:32,943
Cleveland, my ring.
Yep.
372
00:14:37,309 --> 00:14:38,139
Uh, excuse me, sir.
373
00:14:38,144 --> 00:14:41,684
Has anyone brought in a
woman's gold wedding band?
374
00:14:41,681 --> 00:14:43,081
Sir, this is a pawn shop.
375
00:14:43,083 --> 00:14:45,083
To think of profiting
on something as sordid
376
00:14:45,085 --> 00:14:48,415
as divorce is anathema
to everything I stand for.
377
00:14:48,421 --> 00:14:49,621
Get out.
378
00:14:49,623 --> 00:14:50,393
Forgive me.
379
00:14:50,390 --> 00:14:52,220
Hey, is that
a video camera?
380
00:14:52,225 --> 00:14:54,025
It is.
Is that a fog machine?
381
00:14:54,027 --> 00:14:57,957
Yes.
You don't happen to have a saxophone, do you?
382
00:14:57,964 --> 00:14:58,634
Sure do.
383
00:14:58,632 --> 00:15:01,272
("The Heat Is On" plays)
384
00:15:04,737 --> 00:15:07,307
♪ Oh-whoa-oh, oh-whoa-oh
385
00:15:07,307 --> 00:15:11,377
♪ Caught up in the action
I've been looking out for you ♪
386
00:15:11,378 --> 00:15:14,208
♪ Oh-whoa-oh, oh-whoa-oh
387
00:15:14,214 --> 00:15:15,584
♪ Tell me can you feel it?
388
00:15:15,582 --> 00:15:17,282
♪ Tell me
can you feel it? ♪
389
00:15:17,284 --> 00:15:19,654
♪ Tell me can you feel it?
390
00:15:19,653 --> 00:15:21,623
♪ The heat is...
391
00:15:22,521 --> 00:15:24,421
♪ On.
392
00:15:24,424 --> 00:15:25,064
Proper.
393
00:15:25,058 --> 00:15:28,388
Well, I guess I should
go find that mugger. Cool.
394
00:15:28,395 --> 00:15:29,555
Hey, later tonight
I'm having
395
00:15:29,562 --> 00:15:31,032
some people
over to my apartment.
396
00:15:31,031 --> 00:15:32,661
You should come.
Yeah, okay.
397
00:15:32,666 --> 00:15:34,696
You're not going
to come, are you?
398
00:15:34,701 --> 00:15:36,471
(chuckles)
No.
399
00:15:36,469 --> 00:15:39,269
If I can't
go after the mugger,
400
00:15:39,272 --> 00:15:43,272
maybe I'll make
the mugger go after me.
401
00:15:46,312 --> 00:15:49,012
Oh, I hope
I look good enough to rob
402
00:15:49,015 --> 00:15:51,445
but not good enough to rape.
403
00:16:12,604 --> 00:16:15,574
(Cleveland Jr.
and Ernie laughing)
404
00:16:15,575 --> 00:16:16,665
Oh, what's so funny?
405
00:16:16,676 --> 00:16:18,506
Are you guys
watching a JibJab?
406
00:16:18,511 --> 00:16:20,181
No, we're watching you.
407
00:16:20,180 --> 00:16:23,720
You're a YouTube sensation!
What?
408
00:16:25,551 --> 00:16:28,291
Oh, turn that mess
off before I...
409
00:16:28,288 --> 00:16:31,088
Hold on. Junior,
pause the video.
410
00:16:31,091 --> 00:16:32,191
Now, zoom in, quick!
411
00:16:32,192 --> 00:16:34,432
But you can't do that
on YouTube.
412
00:16:34,427 --> 00:16:36,327
I said zoom in!
413
00:16:37,096 --> 00:16:38,526
CLEVELAND, JR.:
We've lost too much resolution.
414
00:16:38,531 --> 00:16:40,161
I'll have to resample the image.
415
00:16:40,166 --> 00:16:43,066
Listen to me. I need you
to hack into the server
416
00:16:43,069 --> 00:16:44,599
using a buffer
overflow attack.
417
00:16:44,604 --> 00:16:46,204
Already done.
Well, what's left?
418
00:16:46,206 --> 00:16:49,136
I can open a backdoor to bypass
authentication and obtain
419
00:16:49,142 --> 00:16:52,342
remote access to the
Criminal Investigation Division.
420
00:16:52,345 --> 00:16:53,335
Do it. There! Look!
421
00:16:53,346 --> 00:16:56,446
The mugger's wearing a LastCall with Carson Daly hat.
422
00:16:56,449 --> 00:16:59,149
Junior, cross-check
every retail database
423
00:16:59,152 --> 00:17:01,252
to find out how many
Last Call hats
424
00:17:01,254 --> 00:17:03,594
have been sold
in the United States.
425
00:17:03,590 --> 00:17:04,220
Two.
426
00:17:04,224 --> 00:17:07,894
One to a Mr. Carson Daly
in Valencia, California,
427
00:17:07,894 --> 00:17:13,104
and one was shipped to another
honky right here in Stoolbend.
428
00:17:16,035 --> 00:17:19,165
You're still
wearing your dress!
429
00:17:19,172 --> 00:17:20,342
Oh...
430
00:17:30,149 --> 00:17:32,349
(groans)
431
00:17:34,586 --> 00:17:36,816
Pornographic materials.
432
00:17:36,823 --> 00:17:39,363
This guy's a real pig.
433
00:17:40,292 --> 00:17:41,662
Mmm.
434
00:17:43,629 --> 00:17:44,829
Neat! Neat! Neat! Neat!
435
00:17:44,831 --> 00:17:47,131
Neat! Neat! Neat!
Neat! Neat!
436
00:17:47,133 --> 00:17:48,533
Hooray!
437
00:17:48,535 --> 00:17:50,435
Now I gotta find that ring.
438
00:17:50,437 --> 00:17:51,767
Oh, here it is.
439
00:17:51,771 --> 00:17:54,511
That was surprisingly
uncomplicated.
440
00:17:54,507 --> 00:17:56,307
(grunts)
441
00:18:00,245 --> 00:18:01,305
Ow!
442
00:18:01,314 --> 00:18:04,484
Oh, my Lord.
The mugger found where we live!
443
00:18:04,484 --> 00:18:05,524
We got robbed!
444
00:18:05,518 --> 00:18:07,618
No, we got even.
445
00:18:07,620 --> 00:18:09,620
299, 300.
446
00:18:09,622 --> 00:18:12,322
That's how much money I paid
for those jeans.
447
00:18:12,325 --> 00:18:14,285
And that's
how much money I got
448
00:18:14,294 --> 00:18:17,464
for selling everything
you own on Craigslist.
449
00:18:17,464 --> 00:18:20,574
Ooh! I will beat
your little black ass blue!
450
00:18:20,567 --> 00:18:22,527
And then I will
slap the black off of you.
451
00:18:22,535 --> 00:18:24,195
And then, I will use that
black to beat
452
00:18:24,204 --> 00:18:26,644
your blue ass black
all over again!
453
00:18:26,639 --> 00:18:28,309
You poor.
454
00:18:28,774 --> 00:18:30,544
Roberta, what's wrong?
455
00:18:30,543 --> 00:18:31,813
That time of the month?
456
00:18:31,811 --> 00:18:33,481
Yo, he means that
time of the month
457
00:18:33,480 --> 00:18:36,350
when the lining of
your uterus falls away.
458
00:18:36,349 --> 00:18:38,949
(guffawing, snickering)
459
00:18:38,952 --> 00:18:41,292
What are you going
to do to me?
460
00:18:41,287 --> 00:18:42,747
I'm going
to make you suffer
461
00:18:42,755 --> 00:18:44,885
the way you made
Jeanette Mueller suffer.
462
00:18:44,891 --> 00:18:47,861
That's right.
She was my mother.
463
00:18:47,861 --> 00:18:50,661
Wait-- who do you
think I am?
464
00:18:50,663 --> 00:18:53,333
Renfro Jenkins?
465
00:18:53,966 --> 00:18:55,766
Cleveland,
are you all right?
466
00:18:55,768 --> 00:18:57,498
Donna? How'd
you find me?
467
00:18:57,504 --> 00:19:00,204
Ever since you decided
to go out and find my ring,
468
00:19:00,206 --> 00:19:01,966
I've been trailing you.
469
00:19:01,975 --> 00:19:03,365
I was there
at the pawn shop
470
00:19:03,376 --> 00:19:04,676
and when you
dressed in drag.
471
00:19:04,677 --> 00:19:07,507
I didn't want anything
to happen to you, baby.
472
00:19:07,514 --> 00:19:10,584
So this whole time
you were protecting me?
473
00:19:10,583 --> 00:19:11,153
I'm sorry.
474
00:19:11,151 --> 00:19:14,021
I tried to change;
I really did.
475
00:19:14,020 --> 00:19:15,950
But, Cleveland,
I can't sit quietly
476
00:19:15,955 --> 00:19:18,115
in the background
like some Asian woman.
477
00:19:18,124 --> 00:19:19,594
It's just not me.
478
00:19:19,592 --> 00:19:20,222
I know, Donna.
479
00:19:20,226 --> 00:19:23,326
This strong, foxy
lady is who I married,
480
00:19:23,329 --> 00:19:24,759
and it's who I love.
481
00:19:24,764 --> 00:19:27,674
Oh, but it's happening
all over again.
482
00:19:27,667 --> 00:19:29,867
I came here to get
your ring back
483
00:19:29,869 --> 00:19:31,069
and prove that I'm a man.
484
00:19:31,070 --> 00:19:33,840
But now, the only
proof that I'm a man
485
00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:36,810
is my ambiguous
homophobia.
486
00:19:38,677 --> 00:19:42,847
No. Not this time, Cleveland.
487
00:19:43,782 --> 00:19:44,952
Aah! Damn it!
488
00:19:44,951 --> 00:19:46,681
You shot me!
(crying)
489
00:19:46,686 --> 00:19:49,646
Listen to me
and listen good.
490
00:19:49,656 --> 00:19:51,186
The mugger shot you.
491
00:19:51,191 --> 00:19:53,861
What? He didn't shoot...
Focus!
492
00:19:53,860 --> 00:19:56,060
(crying)
Now you're slapping me?
493
00:19:56,062 --> 00:19:59,132
Here, you can have
a butterscotch from my purse
494
00:19:59,132 --> 00:20:02,802
if you promise
to calm down.
495
00:20:03,335 --> 00:20:04,695
Okay, I've already
called the cops.
496
00:20:04,704 --> 00:20:06,774
When they get here,
you're going to tell them
497
00:20:06,773 --> 00:20:08,143
you confronted the mugger,
498
00:20:08,141 --> 00:20:09,941
there was a fight,
and he shot you.
499
00:20:09,943 --> 00:20:12,613
Mmm. May I have
another butterscotch?
500
00:20:12,612 --> 00:20:14,982
I don't have any more
butterscotches.
501
00:20:14,981 --> 00:20:17,581
I saw one in your purse.
502
00:20:17,584 --> 00:20:19,684
(sighs)
Fine!
503
00:20:19,686 --> 00:20:21,716
So there you were
with a bullet wound,
504
00:20:21,721 --> 00:20:23,991
but even with the blood
draining from your body,
505
00:20:23,990 --> 00:20:27,860
you overpowered him
and got my ring back.
506
00:20:27,860 --> 00:20:30,130
(sirens approaching)
507
00:20:30,629 --> 00:20:32,999
They're here.
Go, Cleveland.
508
00:20:32,999 --> 00:20:34,569
Wait, aren't you coming?
509
00:20:34,567 --> 00:20:36,097
No. You have
to go out there
510
00:20:36,102 --> 00:20:39,142
and take all the glory
for yourself.
511
00:20:39,138 --> 00:20:40,198
But why, Donna?
512
00:20:40,206 --> 00:20:43,406
(hoarsely):
Because Stoolbend needs a hero.
513
00:20:43,409 --> 00:20:46,109
(woman vocalizing)
514
00:20:47,913 --> 00:20:50,783
(breathes deeply)
515
00:20:53,385 --> 00:20:56,615
(cameras clicking)
516
00:20:56,665 --> 00:21:01,215
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