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1
00:00:01,568 --> 00:00:03,838
♪ My name is Cleveland Brown
2
00:00:03,838 --> 00:00:06,168
♪ And I am proud to be
3
00:00:06,173 --> 00:00:08,413
♪ Right back in my hometown
4
00:00:08,409 --> 00:00:10,709
♪ With my new family
5
00:00:10,711 --> 00:00:13,451
♪ There's old friends
and new friends ♪
6
00:00:13,447 --> 00:00:15,547
♪ And even a bear
7
00:00:15,549 --> 00:00:17,679
♪ Through good times
and bad times ♪
8
00:00:17,685 --> 00:00:19,645
♪ It's true love we share ♪
9
00:00:19,653 --> 00:00:21,793
♪ And so I found a place
10
00:00:21,789 --> 00:00:24,159
♪ Where everyone will know
11
00:00:24,158 --> 00:00:26,128
♪ My happy mustached face
12
00:00:26,127 --> 00:00:29,157
♪ This is
The Cleveland Show ♪
13
00:00:29,163 --> 00:00:30,803
(chuckles)
14
00:00:32,732 --> 00:00:35,702
Hey, the restroom
is right here!
15
00:00:35,703 --> 00:00:38,743
Some skank is having a
baby in there, man.
16
00:00:38,739 --> 00:00:39,639
Oh.
17
00:00:39,640 --> 00:00:41,140
Congratulations!
(baby cries)
18
00:00:41,142 --> 00:00:42,242
GIRL:
Thank you!
19
00:00:42,243 --> 00:00:46,313
Mm, babies making babies.
20
00:00:48,248 --> 00:00:49,778
Aah! Fructose!
21
00:00:49,784 --> 00:00:52,654
Damn, this school is
more out of control
22
00:00:52,653 --> 00:00:54,753
than Amy Winehouse's hair.
23
00:00:54,755 --> 00:00:57,185
(clock ticking)
24
00:00:57,191 --> 00:00:59,221
Where have you been?
25
00:00:59,226 --> 00:01:01,356
It's 4:00 a.m.
26
00:01:01,362 --> 00:01:03,232
Get off my back!
27
00:01:03,230 --> 00:01:04,300
I hate you!
28
00:01:04,298 --> 00:01:05,698
I hate this house!
29
00:01:05,699 --> 00:01:08,169
I hate my life!
30
00:01:09,636 --> 00:01:11,466
I don't really
hate you.
31
00:01:11,472 --> 00:01:13,312
I know, love.
32
00:01:13,307 --> 00:01:15,667
Come to mama.
33
00:01:16,876 --> 00:01:19,236
There, there, baby.
34
00:01:19,246 --> 00:01:22,146
Now where is my head hair?
35
00:01:24,884 --> 00:01:26,494
"Teabag City?!"
36
00:01:26,487 --> 00:01:30,357
More like T-rouble City
for whoever did this.
37
00:01:30,824 --> 00:01:33,434
(fire alarm ringing,
screaming, clamoring)
38
00:01:33,427 --> 00:01:34,957
Remain calm.
39
00:01:34,962 --> 00:01:36,232
It's a prank.
40
00:01:36,230 --> 00:01:39,260
Football team, remain calm.
41
00:01:39,266 --> 00:01:41,426
(screams, groans)
42
00:01:41,901 --> 00:01:44,541
Marching band, remain calm.
43
00:01:44,538 --> 00:01:45,938
(playing march)
44
00:01:45,940 --> 00:01:47,040
(screams, groans)
45
00:01:47,041 --> 00:01:51,381
Cast of this season's
Biggest Loser, sremain calm.
46
00:01:51,378 --> 00:01:53,708
(screams, groans)
47
00:01:56,449 --> 00:01:58,579
(groans)
48
00:02:00,720 --> 00:02:01,820
(wheels squeaking)
49
00:02:01,822 --> 00:02:05,262
(over speaker):
This is Principal Farquhar.
50
00:02:05,259 --> 00:02:07,189
Good afternoon,
concerned parents,
51
00:02:07,194 --> 00:02:09,094
teachers and local busybodies.
52
00:02:09,096 --> 00:02:11,026
I'm speaking to you
from the Our Lady
53
00:02:11,031 --> 00:02:14,901
of Our Lord Jesus Christ
Hospital's trample ward.
54
00:02:14,902 --> 00:02:16,772
To end the anarchy
at our school,
55
00:02:16,770 --> 00:02:21,410
I've gathered the nine worst
punks at Stoolbend High.
56
00:02:21,408 --> 00:02:23,278
E.L. Fudge, Wowzer,
57
00:02:23,277 --> 00:02:26,007
A.K. Rocka, Lazy Eye,
58
00:02:26,013 --> 00:02:28,083
Fontasia, Big Skeeze,
59
00:02:28,082 --> 00:02:31,352
Hole Punch, P. Hound,
and Nazi Greg.
60
00:02:31,352 --> 00:02:33,692
Uh, Nazi Greg's grandma died.
He not here.
61
00:02:33,687 --> 00:02:35,047
(over speaker):
Sorry to hear that.
62
00:02:35,055 --> 00:02:37,915
Donna, write a condolence card
to Nazi Greg.
63
00:02:37,925 --> 00:02:39,525
Now, as for the rest of you,
64
00:02:39,527 --> 00:02:42,087
I can't pin anything
on you specifically,
65
00:02:42,096 --> 00:02:44,626
but by the power
of the Farquhar Doctrine,
66
00:02:44,632 --> 00:02:47,872
I can preemptively
expel all of you.
67
00:02:47,868 --> 00:02:48,728
(murmuring)
68
00:02:48,736 --> 00:02:50,236
This is fascist, man!
69
00:02:50,237 --> 00:02:51,397
Go back to Woodstock!
70
00:02:51,405 --> 00:02:53,935
In my day, you could buy candy
for a nickel.
71
00:02:53,941 --> 00:02:55,041
(all clamoring)
72
00:02:55,042 --> 00:02:57,312
(thumping)
73
00:02:57,311 --> 00:02:58,981
What we have here
74
00:02:58,979 --> 00:03:02,509
is a failure to communicate.
75
00:03:02,516 --> 00:03:03,676
Cleveland Brown?
76
00:03:03,684 --> 00:03:04,954
What are you doing there?!
77
00:03:04,952 --> 00:03:06,892
CLEVELAND:
It's Coach Brown, Wally.
78
00:03:06,887 --> 00:03:09,417
And what I'm doing
is realizing
79
00:03:09,423 --> 00:03:11,663
that those who can, coach,
80
00:03:11,659 --> 00:03:13,489
and those who can't, teach.
81
00:03:13,494 --> 00:03:16,634
And it's time for this coach
to teach these teachers
82
00:03:16,630 --> 00:03:19,630
how to coach these students
to teach themselves
83
00:03:19,633 --> 00:03:22,073
how to coach one another
while teaching us all...
84
00:03:22,069 --> 00:03:25,269
Aren't there usually chips
at these meetings?
85
00:03:25,272 --> 00:03:25,942
Don't you see?!
86
00:03:25,940 --> 00:03:28,570
All these kids need is
a sit-down with a grown-up
87
00:03:28,576 --> 00:03:30,736
who can give them
the tough love they need.
88
00:03:30,744 --> 00:03:33,514
Someone as wild and
unconventional as they are,
89
00:03:33,514 --> 00:03:37,654
with his outrageous behavior
and shocking gutter talk.
90
00:03:37,651 --> 00:03:39,281
Doggone it!
91
00:03:39,286 --> 00:03:39,986
Seems fine.
92
00:03:39,987 --> 00:03:42,647
Doesn't seem to have any
dents in it or anything.
93
00:03:42,656 --> 00:03:45,686
The point is, these
kids need a hero.
94
00:03:45,693 --> 00:03:47,633
Oh, no, one of the
bolts came out
95
00:03:47,628 --> 00:03:50,598
where the seat adheres to
the back support leg.
96
00:03:50,598 --> 00:03:52,358
What about you,
Coach Brown?
97
00:03:52,366 --> 00:03:54,666
(crowd murmurs)
Well, he did break a chair.
98
00:03:54,668 --> 00:03:55,798
Then it's settled.
99
00:03:55,803 --> 00:03:58,173
Coach Brown will
save our school.
100
00:03:58,172 --> 00:04:01,442
Godspeed,
you black emperor.
101
00:04:02,842 --> 00:04:05,342
Whoosh, whush, whash.
102
00:04:05,346 --> 00:04:05,906
Whoosh.
103
00:04:05,913 --> 00:04:08,813
Rallo, Julius' costume
party was a week ago.
104
00:04:08,816 --> 00:04:11,676
What did I tell you about
wearing that filthy thing?
105
00:04:11,685 --> 00:04:13,115
Oh, what'd I tell you?
106
00:04:13,120 --> 00:04:14,850
This ain't a costume.
107
00:04:14,855 --> 00:04:17,115
I... am... Superman!
108
00:04:17,124 --> 00:04:18,764
Stop it! Stop it!
Stop what?
109
00:04:18,759 --> 00:04:20,589
I'm not doing anything.
Get this damn thing...
110
00:04:20,594 --> 00:04:21,964
(grunts)
Rallo. I'm just standing here
111
00:04:21,962 --> 00:04:23,432
in this position.
Damn, you smell foul.
112
00:04:23,430 --> 00:04:24,730
Why don't you stop.
Fine.
113
00:04:24,732 --> 00:04:26,602
That's right.
Stink all to hell and get lice and suffer.
114
00:04:26,600 --> 00:04:29,130
Go on, get in the kitchen
and make my dinner. You stink.
115
00:04:29,136 --> 00:04:30,136
(Rallo laughs)
116
00:04:30,137 --> 00:04:31,937
Okay, guys,
welcome to my home.
117
00:04:31,939 --> 00:04:33,769
If you touch anything,
let me know,
118
00:04:33,774 --> 00:04:36,214
so I can get it
professionally cleaned.
119
00:04:36,210 --> 00:04:38,440
Actually,
let me start over.
120
00:04:38,445 --> 00:04:40,075
Welcome to my home.
121
00:04:40,080 --> 00:04:41,080
Don't touch anything.
122
00:04:41,081 --> 00:04:43,081
Hey, it's that lady
from the school
123
00:04:43,083 --> 00:04:44,583
that has the big ass.
124
00:04:44,585 --> 00:04:45,575
Language!
125
00:04:45,586 --> 00:04:48,316
Hey, it's the lady
from the school
126
00:04:48,322 --> 00:04:50,062
who shas the big ass.
127
00:04:50,057 --> 00:04:52,017
There you go.
128
00:04:52,959 --> 00:04:56,559
Come on, let's boogie on down
for our rap session.
129
00:04:56,563 --> 00:04:57,933
You dig?
130
00:05:04,437 --> 00:05:05,737
(slurping)
131
00:05:05,739 --> 00:05:08,139
Ah, that's good tonic water.
132
00:05:08,142 --> 00:05:09,572
Nobody wants a tonic?
133
00:05:09,576 --> 00:05:09,906
Okay.
134
00:05:09,910 --> 00:05:14,050
Now let's stop being polite
and start getting real.
135
00:05:14,048 --> 00:05:16,048
I know what you kids
are up to.
136
00:05:16,050 --> 00:05:18,180
Drinking beer, drinking whiskey,
137
00:05:18,185 --> 00:05:20,615
peeing in the bed,
puking in the bed,
138
00:05:20,621 --> 00:05:23,191
peeing on your puke,
puking on your pee.
139
00:05:23,190 --> 00:05:25,690
Same bull spit
I used to do.
140
00:05:25,693 --> 00:05:28,633
Whatever you've done,
I've done worse.
141
00:05:28,629 --> 00:05:29,729
Like what?
142
00:05:29,730 --> 00:05:31,630
(inhales)
143
00:05:31,632 --> 00:05:33,202
I shot a kid.
144
00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:36,130
He was 13 years old.
145
00:05:36,136 --> 00:05:37,966
Oh, it was dark.
146
00:05:37,971 --> 00:05:38,971
I couldn't see him.
147
00:05:38,972 --> 00:05:41,812
Had a ray gun,
looked real enough.
148
00:05:41,809 --> 00:05:43,079
You know,
when you're a rookie,
149
00:05:43,077 --> 00:05:46,447
they can teach you everything
about being a cop
150
00:05:46,447 --> 00:05:49,107
except how to live
with a mistake.
151
00:05:49,116 --> 00:05:51,516
Hold up-- isn't that
from Die Hard?
152
00:05:51,518 --> 00:05:52,948
(clears throat)
Yes.
153
00:05:52,953 --> 00:05:54,123
I love that movie!
154
00:05:54,121 --> 00:05:56,191
Me, too, ese!It's sick.
155
00:05:56,190 --> 00:05:57,290
You seen Bird On A Wire?
156
00:05:57,291 --> 00:05:59,831
You know, you kind of look like
the black guy in Die Hard.
157
00:05:59,827 --> 00:06:02,557
Hold up-- weres you the
black guy in D ie Hard?
158
00:06:02,563 --> 00:06:03,633
Yes.
159
00:06:03,630 --> 00:06:06,030
(all cheering)
160
00:06:06,033 --> 00:06:07,133
I got something to say.
161
00:06:07,134 --> 00:06:09,134
♪ Bob-ba-bah-bob,
a-dang, a-dang, dang ♪
162
00:06:09,136 --> 00:06:11,796
♪ A ding-a-dong-ding,
you're cool. ♪
163
00:06:11,805 --> 00:06:14,535
(all cheering)
164
00:06:14,541 --> 00:06:15,211
There we go.
165
00:06:15,209 --> 00:06:18,079
Now, doesn't friendship
feel nice?
166
00:06:18,078 --> 00:06:19,908
Mm, it feels nice to me.
167
00:06:19,913 --> 00:06:22,613
Hey, the eight of you
could form a club.
168
00:06:22,616 --> 00:06:25,576
You could call yourselves
"The Eight Positive Teens
169
00:06:25,586 --> 00:06:29,486
Who Are Making A Difference
In Their Community."
170
00:06:29,490 --> 00:06:31,790
Or EPTWAMADITC.
171
00:06:31,792 --> 00:06:33,492
How about the
Crazy Eights?
172
00:06:33,494 --> 00:06:34,964
Yeah!
Crazy Eights!
173
00:06:34,962 --> 00:06:36,762
That's tight!
(all cheering)
174
00:06:36,764 --> 00:06:39,204
Hooray for Cleveland,
our leader!
175
00:06:39,199 --> 00:06:41,099
(chuckles)
176
00:06:41,868 --> 00:06:45,568
Yo, Eights, let me
holler at you.
177
00:06:45,572 --> 00:06:46,572
I been around.
178
00:06:46,573 --> 00:06:49,213
Seen a lot of things.
Know a lot of things.
179
00:06:49,209 --> 00:06:51,139
But you know
what I don't know?
180
00:06:51,145 --> 00:06:54,145
I don't know what to do
with all these jackets!
181
00:06:54,148 --> 00:06:56,278
(laughs)
Here! Put 'em on!
182
00:06:56,283 --> 00:06:58,283
(all cheering)
183
00:06:58,285 --> 00:06:59,715
But these
aren't gifts.
184
00:06:59,720 --> 00:07:01,590
They're an investment
in your future.
185
00:07:01,588 --> 00:07:05,018
Which will be nothing without
a real-world skill.
186
00:07:05,025 --> 00:07:07,685
So, today, we're going
into business.
187
00:07:07,694 --> 00:07:10,804
But we don't know nothing
about business, homes.
188
00:07:10,798 --> 00:07:11,358
But I do.
189
00:07:11,365 --> 00:07:12,655
We're going to sell
a product
190
00:07:12,666 --> 00:07:14,626
that can't people can't
live without.
191
00:07:14,635 --> 00:07:16,895
CLEVELAND JR.:
How about cookies?
192
00:07:16,904 --> 00:07:18,204
Junior, what are you
doing here?
193
00:07:18,205 --> 00:07:22,135
I'm kind of a troubled teen,
too, if you think about it.
194
00:07:22,142 --> 00:07:24,242
Junior's a legacy.
195
00:07:24,244 --> 00:07:25,744
He's in.
196
00:07:25,746 --> 00:07:26,746
And cookies it is!
197
00:07:26,747 --> 00:07:29,477
We're going to be
a cookie-selling operation!
198
00:07:29,483 --> 00:07:32,853
How are we supposed to make
money selling cookies, huh?
199
00:07:32,853 --> 00:07:33,723
Easy.
200
00:07:33,720 --> 00:07:35,190
Some of you will put
the goods together,
201
00:07:35,189 --> 00:07:37,719
and if you don't have enough
to make a full batch,
202
00:07:37,724 --> 00:07:39,834
just cut in some
extra baking powder.
203
00:07:39,827 --> 00:07:40,887
No one's going to notice.
204
00:07:40,894 --> 00:07:42,894
And some of you will handle
the distribution.
205
00:07:42,896 --> 00:07:46,196
Street corners and bad
neighborhoods are great places
206
00:07:46,200 --> 00:07:47,330
to push your product.
207
00:07:47,334 --> 00:07:50,204
Give poor people something
to live for.
208
00:07:50,204 --> 00:07:51,804
And here's a little tip.
209
00:07:51,805 --> 00:07:53,765
The first one's
always free.
210
00:07:53,774 --> 00:07:55,844
'Cause once you
get 'em hooked,
211
00:07:55,843 --> 00:07:58,613
they're customers for life.
212
00:07:59,378 --> 00:08:02,248
I know some people who are
straight-up junkies.
213
00:08:02,249 --> 00:08:03,949
For cookies.
We all do.
214
00:08:03,951 --> 00:08:08,321
Hey, I got a cousin in Columbia
who got tons of powder.
215
00:08:08,322 --> 00:08:10,092
I mean, baking powder.
216
00:08:10,090 --> 00:08:11,360
Call him.
And we can learn everything
217
00:08:11,358 --> 00:08:14,588
we need to know on the Internet
about cooking up a batch.
218
00:08:14,595 --> 00:08:15,625
Of cookies.
219
00:08:15,629 --> 00:08:19,229
Yeah, the Internet has
a "plethoras" of information.
220
00:08:19,233 --> 00:08:21,133
I love a sugar high!
221
00:08:21,134 --> 00:08:22,674
Everybody does!
222
00:08:22,669 --> 00:08:24,169
Whoo! I'm gonna be
223
00:08:24,171 --> 00:08:27,741
the cookie kingpin
of Stoolbend!
224
00:08:28,674 --> 00:08:30,044
Seems fine.
225
00:08:30,043 --> 00:08:31,143
Oh, it's cracked.
226
00:08:31,144 --> 00:08:32,684
Let's get the hell
out of here.
227
00:08:32,679 --> 00:08:36,579
I definitely don't want
to get in no trouble!
228
00:08:46,993 --> 00:08:47,993
Hey, gang!
229
00:08:47,995 --> 00:08:49,725
Orale, jefe.
230
00:08:49,962 --> 00:08:51,862
Hey, Super Smurf,
where you going?
231
00:08:51,865 --> 00:08:53,295
The fortress
of solitude.
232
00:08:53,300 --> 00:08:55,600
Otherwise known
as the crapper.
233
00:08:55,602 --> 00:08:56,802
(chuckles)
234
00:08:56,803 --> 00:08:58,243
I'm going to use
that one.
235
00:08:58,238 --> 00:08:59,298
Hey, check it
out, homes.
236
00:08:59,306 --> 00:09:02,006
Here's your
cut, dawg. Thank you!
237
00:09:02,009 --> 00:09:04,739
What's on the menu
today, son?
238
00:09:04,745 --> 00:09:06,375
Snickerdoodles.
239
00:09:06,380 --> 00:09:08,280
Snicker, please.
240
00:09:08,282 --> 00:09:09,312
(moans)
241
00:09:09,316 --> 00:09:10,846
Cleveland, it's great
what you've done
242
00:09:10,851 --> 00:09:13,521
for these kids, and Lord
knows we need the extra cash,
243
00:09:13,520 --> 00:09:16,960
but do you find all this
a bit suspicious?
244
00:09:18,357 --> 00:09:20,457
Junior's the only one
making cookies,
245
00:09:20,460 --> 00:09:22,690
and you and the kids
eat most of them,
246
00:09:22,696 --> 00:09:25,226
but the club brings in a
thousand dollars a day.
247
00:09:25,232 --> 00:09:27,002
Hmm. Hadn't thought
about it.
248
00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:29,700
I guess I was too busy
thinking about
249
00:09:29,703 --> 00:09:33,273
our new flat-screen TV!
250
00:09:33,273 --> 00:09:35,343
(screams, giggles)
251
00:09:35,342 --> 00:09:38,012
Oh, I love
you, baby!
252
00:09:38,011 --> 00:09:39,181
Ooh! Ooh!
Yes, Donna,
253
00:09:39,179 --> 00:09:41,109
I'm making the world
a little better.
254
00:09:41,114 --> 00:09:45,754
I haven't felt this good since
I helped that homeless person.
255
00:09:50,022 --> 00:09:52,362
Pay it forward, stinky.
256
00:09:52,359 --> 00:09:53,929
Whew!
257
00:09:54,660 --> 00:09:56,860
Hey, I need to get some cash
for the weekend.
258
00:09:56,863 --> 00:09:57,933
Hang a left.
259
00:09:57,931 --> 00:10:01,201
Some of my kids
are out selling.
260
00:10:04,103 --> 00:10:06,203
(car alarm wailing)
261
00:10:10,743 --> 00:10:12,113
Yo, A.K.
262
00:10:12,112 --> 00:10:15,382
What you got
for me today?
263
00:10:15,382 --> 00:10:16,682
This feels light.
264
00:10:16,683 --> 00:10:18,783
Yeah, well, you know.
265
00:10:18,785 --> 00:10:19,985
No, I don't know.
266
00:10:19,987 --> 00:10:20,917
What's up, A.K.?
267
00:10:20,921 --> 00:10:23,091
Nutty Buddies ain't
selling today?
268
00:10:23,090 --> 00:10:24,420
People love
Nutty Buddies.
269
00:10:24,424 --> 00:10:26,364
Look at me when I'm
talking to you!
270
00:10:26,360 --> 00:10:27,560
You holding out on me?
271
00:10:27,561 --> 00:10:30,401
I look like Nintendo?
That why you playing me?
272
00:10:30,397 --> 00:10:32,027
Huh?
All right, listen.
273
00:10:32,032 --> 00:10:33,002
There's another club
274
00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:35,770
down on Avenue 49
called the Stoolbloods,
275
00:10:35,769 --> 00:10:37,699
and they sell
"cookies," too.
276
00:10:37,704 --> 00:10:40,044
And they weren't too cool
with us selling "cookies"
277
00:10:40,040 --> 00:10:40,740
on their corner,
278
00:10:40,741 --> 00:10:43,741
so they stole our supplies
and our money.
279
00:10:43,744 --> 00:10:44,884
How many times I tell you,
280
00:10:44,878 --> 00:10:48,678
never keep the money
and the supplies together!
281
00:10:48,682 --> 00:10:49,682
(groans)
282
00:10:49,683 --> 00:10:52,123
Avenue 49, huh?
283
00:10:52,119 --> 00:10:53,279
Go!
284
00:10:53,286 --> 00:10:54,546
Go what?
285
00:10:54,554 --> 00:10:56,194
Go... please.
286
00:10:56,189 --> 00:10:58,689
There you go.
(engine starts)
287
00:11:02,762 --> 00:11:04,102
(brakes squeal)
288
00:11:04,097 --> 00:11:06,497
(Cleveland groans)
289
00:11:12,071 --> 00:11:15,071
(pounding on door)
290
00:11:18,678 --> 00:11:20,808
Good evening, (bleep).
291
00:11:20,814 --> 00:11:22,254
Who the hell are you?
292
00:11:22,249 --> 00:11:24,819
Cleveland (bleep) Brown,
293
00:11:24,818 --> 00:11:26,448
(bleep).
294
00:11:26,453 --> 00:11:29,053
Oh, did I interrupt you
cooking up a batch
295
00:11:29,056 --> 00:11:30,686
with our baking soda?
296
00:11:30,691 --> 00:11:34,191
Gonna crack a few eggs
in there, cup a brown sugar,
297
00:11:34,194 --> 00:11:38,704
teaspoon of vanilla extract,
walnuts to taste?
298
00:11:38,699 --> 00:11:41,129
(thuds)
Hold up.
299
00:11:41,534 --> 00:11:44,774
His nonsensical ramblings
have piqued my interest.
300
00:11:44,771 --> 00:11:46,401
Please continue.
301
00:11:46,406 --> 00:11:49,336
I am the leader
of the Crazy Eights,
302
00:11:49,342 --> 00:11:51,482
and if you come near
my kids again,
303
00:11:51,478 --> 00:11:54,308
or even think
of selling on our corner,
304
00:11:54,314 --> 00:11:56,384
I will wait
for the first snow of winter,
305
00:11:56,383 --> 00:12:00,393
so I may spell my name
when I whiz on your grave.
306
00:12:00,387 --> 00:12:03,887
Dad, are we still going
to Williams-Sonoma?
307
00:12:03,890 --> 00:12:06,790
In a minute.
Wait in the car.
308
00:12:06,793 --> 00:12:07,593
Good kid.
309
00:12:07,594 --> 00:12:08,734
Wish he'd lose the apron.
310
00:12:08,729 --> 00:12:10,699
Looks like
Clay Aiken's sex bib.
311
00:12:10,697 --> 00:12:12,597
You know, the Clay
Aiken Christmas CD
312
00:12:12,599 --> 00:12:13,799
is actually
pretty good.
313
00:12:13,800 --> 00:12:16,330
Can't hold a Christmas candle
to David Archuleta.
314
00:12:16,336 --> 00:12:18,196
What'd I tell you
about David Archuleta?
315
00:12:18,205 --> 00:12:21,665
You know how much money
I lost on David Archuleta?
316
00:12:21,675 --> 00:12:22,565
Sorry, Mob Stabber.
317
00:12:22,576 --> 00:12:25,336
I thought you made it back
on Christian Siriano.
318
00:12:25,345 --> 00:12:27,845
Not all of it.
319
00:12:34,720 --> 00:12:36,390
No, you listen to me.
320
00:12:36,389 --> 00:12:39,689
I ordered a big old
concrete lawn goose,
321
00:12:39,693 --> 00:12:41,833
and I want it
here tonight.
322
00:12:41,828 --> 00:12:43,728
Somebody order a goose?
323
00:12:43,730 --> 00:12:45,530
(doorbell rings)
324
00:12:45,532 --> 00:12:47,132
Good Morgan.
325
00:12:47,134 --> 00:12:48,474
S'up?
Yo. Sí.
326
00:12:48,468 --> 00:12:51,538
Hey, did somebody
lose this?
327
00:12:52,371 --> 00:12:53,471
How'd you get that?
328
00:12:53,473 --> 00:12:55,273
I simply let
the Stoolbloods know
329
00:12:55,275 --> 00:12:58,775
they chose the wrong Negro
to futz with.
330
00:12:58,779 --> 00:12:59,509
Hey, C-Bro,
331
00:12:59,513 --> 00:13:01,053
there's a few things
we got to tell you.
332
00:13:01,047 --> 00:13:05,277
Always got time
to conversate with my homies.
333
00:13:07,486 --> 00:13:09,886
Okay, gang, what's
the good word?
334
00:13:09,890 --> 00:13:13,860
What you believe to be a bag
of flour and sugar is not.
335
00:13:13,860 --> 00:13:16,360
It's cocaine.
Mm-hmm.
336
00:13:16,363 --> 00:13:17,633
And heroin.
Mm-hmm.
337
00:13:17,631 --> 00:13:20,271
'Cause we don't sell cookies.
338
00:13:20,267 --> 00:13:21,497
We sell drugs.
339
00:13:21,501 --> 00:13:22,271
Okay.
340
00:13:22,269 --> 00:13:23,469
Out of your house.
Okay.
341
00:13:23,470 --> 00:13:25,800
Which kind of makes you
a gang leader.
342
00:13:25,806 --> 00:13:27,636
Mm-hmm.
And you just stole
343
00:13:27,641 --> 00:13:29,771
about $10,000 worth
of narcotics
344
00:13:29,776 --> 00:13:31,906
from the most
vicious gang in town.
345
00:13:31,912 --> 00:13:33,882
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Which means
346
00:13:33,880 --> 00:13:37,780
they're gunning
for your ass right now.
347
00:13:37,784 --> 00:13:40,324
I see.
348
00:13:43,989 --> 00:13:45,759
(shrieking)
349
00:13:45,759 --> 00:13:47,929
I'm gonna die!
I'm gonna die!
350
00:13:47,928 --> 00:13:48,958
(shrieking)
351
00:13:48,962 --> 00:13:52,632
I accused them
of fornicating their own mothers.
352
00:13:52,632 --> 00:13:53,632
They're tough.
353
00:13:53,633 --> 00:13:55,003
I've only been
acting tough.
354
00:13:55,001 --> 00:13:56,571
Got to dump the coke.
355
00:13:56,570 --> 00:13:58,070
(hyperventilating):
Why...
356
00:13:58,071 --> 00:14:03,471
is... this...
hap...pen... ing... to... me?!
357
00:14:03,476 --> 00:14:04,276
Okay, okay.
358
00:14:04,277 --> 00:14:05,507
Oh, flush, flush, flush,
359
00:14:05,512 --> 00:14:08,882
(toilet flushing)
flush, flush, flush, flush.
360
00:14:08,882 --> 00:14:09,952
(flushing)
361
00:14:09,950 --> 00:14:11,550
Okay, go away.
362
00:14:11,551 --> 00:14:12,781
Bye-bye,
no more problems.
363
00:14:12,786 --> 00:14:14,886
All right, thank you.
364
00:14:17,690 --> 00:14:19,720
Okay, there's
no evidence now.
365
00:14:19,726 --> 00:14:21,756
We'll just lay low
for a while.
366
00:14:21,761 --> 00:14:24,731
How bad can these
Stoolbloods really be?
367
00:14:24,731 --> 00:14:25,831
(cell phone ringing)
368
00:14:25,832 --> 00:14:27,402
Hold up.
369
00:14:27,400 --> 00:14:28,600
Yello?
370
00:14:28,602 --> 00:14:31,042
We got your son.
371
00:14:31,037 --> 00:14:32,997
They've got Junior.
372
00:14:33,006 --> 00:14:34,036
(screams)
373
00:14:34,040 --> 00:14:35,240
Oh, God! Oh, God!
Oh, God!
374
00:14:35,242 --> 00:14:38,812
You want him alive,
you bring back our merchandise.
375
00:14:38,812 --> 00:14:40,712
Well, how long
have I got?
376
00:14:40,714 --> 00:14:42,854
Well, what time
is it now, 11:41?
377
00:14:42,849 --> 00:14:47,049
So, I'm gonna say,
uh, 11:51.
378
00:14:47,053 --> 00:14:48,023
Ten minutes?!
379
00:14:48,021 --> 00:14:48,991
(dial tone)
380
00:14:48,989 --> 00:14:51,619
I think I speak for
all of us when I say,
381
00:14:51,625 --> 00:14:54,125
I am so sorry about
the death of your son.
382
00:14:54,127 --> 00:14:56,257
Thank you.
This has been a difficult--
383
00:14:56,263 --> 00:14:57,903
Hey, Junior is not dead!
384
00:14:57,898 --> 00:15:01,828
I am going to save
my son!
385
00:15:03,936 --> 00:15:06,736
CLEVELAND:
He's not dead yet!
386
00:15:12,745 --> 00:15:16,075
All right, anyone else
need to use the bathroom?
387
00:15:16,082 --> 00:15:17,452
(kids grunt)
Good.
388
00:15:17,450 --> 00:15:21,390
Now we've only got eight minutes
left to save Junior!
389
00:15:21,388 --> 00:15:22,588
Come on!
390
00:15:22,589 --> 00:15:26,059
What are you waiting for,
the next Jim Jarmusch film?
391
00:15:26,059 --> 00:15:27,529
Let's go!
392
00:15:27,527 --> 00:15:29,857
We're scared, okay?
We're high school kids, man.
393
00:15:29,863 --> 00:15:31,963
We didn't want
to get in this deep.
394
00:15:31,965 --> 00:15:33,455
I don't want to die.
395
00:15:33,466 --> 00:15:35,796
I got six children
of my own, homes.
396
00:15:35,802 --> 00:15:37,102
Come here.
(sniffles)
397
00:15:37,103 --> 00:15:39,773
Who made you cookies
when you had the munchies?
398
00:15:39,773 --> 00:15:42,813
Who was always there with
a smile and a glass of milk?
399
00:15:42,809 --> 00:15:46,039
Whose idea was it to sell
cookies in the first place,
400
00:15:46,046 --> 00:15:48,506
which covered up
your whole damn racket?
401
00:15:48,515 --> 00:15:48,905
Who?!
402
00:15:48,915 --> 00:15:52,915
♪ Ja, Ja-Ja-Ja, Ja, Ja-Ja-Ja'
Ja, Ja-Ja-Ja, Junior! ♪
403
00:15:52,919 --> 00:15:53,819
That's right.
404
00:15:53,820 --> 00:15:56,090
Now, how many
of y'all are packing?
405
00:15:56,089 --> 00:15:56,789
Guns?!
406
00:15:56,790 --> 00:15:59,060
I got in trouble for
starting a food fight.
407
00:15:59,059 --> 00:16:00,859
Oh, you guys are pathetic!
408
00:16:00,860 --> 00:16:03,060
You know they'ves got guns.
409
00:16:03,063 --> 00:16:06,103
Hey, Lester,
can we borrow some guns?
410
00:16:06,099 --> 00:16:07,969
LESTER:
How many?
411
00:16:07,968 --> 00:16:09,598
Eight.
412
00:16:11,904 --> 00:16:14,474
Then let's peel some caps!
413
00:16:15,607 --> 00:16:17,637
(cheering)
414
00:16:19,578 --> 00:16:20,708
Hi, Cleveland.
415
00:16:20,714 --> 00:16:22,884
Go back
to Quahog. - Okay.
416
00:16:22,882 --> 00:16:25,552
♪ Tell 'em
where you're from ♪ ♪ Straight outta Compton
417
00:16:25,552 --> 00:16:27,092
♪ A brother with his finger
on the trigger ♪
418
00:16:27,087 --> 00:16:29,717
♪ More punks I take out,
my rep gets bigger ♪
419
00:16:29,723 --> 00:16:31,223
♪ I'm a ruthless villain
and you know this ♪
420
00:16:31,224 --> 00:16:34,034
♪ But the suckas in the public
won't show this ♪
421
00:16:34,027 --> 00:16:35,457
♪ But I don't really care ♪
422
00:16:35,462 --> 00:16:36,562
♪ I'mma make my snaps ♪
423
00:16:36,563 --> 00:16:38,863
♪ If not from the records,
from jacking the crap ♪
424
00:16:38,865 --> 00:16:40,255
(car horn blares)
♪ Just like burglary
425
00:16:40,266 --> 00:16:44,636
♪ The definition
is jackin' ♪ CLEVELAND: Crazy Eights!
426
00:16:44,637 --> 00:16:46,837
BOTH:
Rock, paper, scissors, shoot.
427
00:16:46,840 --> 00:16:48,970
Rock, paper,
scissors, shoot.
428
00:16:48,975 --> 00:16:51,005
Oh!
429
00:16:51,677 --> 00:16:54,007
(tires squeal,
engine roars)
430
00:16:54,014 --> 00:16:55,784
♪ And if you ever
mess with me ♪
431
00:16:55,782 --> 00:16:56,982
♪ You'll get taken ♪
432
00:16:56,983 --> 00:16:58,653
♪ By a stupid dope brotha
who'll smother ♪
433
00:16:58,651 --> 00:17:01,151
♪ Word to the mother.
Yeah, straight outta Compton ♪
434
00:17:01,154 --> 00:17:03,454
♪ Compton, Compton, Comp--
435
00:17:03,456 --> 00:17:04,856
Gimme back my son!
436
00:17:04,858 --> 00:17:05,988
Where's my boy?
437
00:17:05,992 --> 00:17:08,562
Where's our merchandise?
438
00:17:08,561 --> 00:17:10,091
Hi, Daddy.
439
00:17:11,030 --> 00:17:15,130
I said, "Where's
our merchandise?"
440
00:17:15,135 --> 00:17:17,935
RALLO:
Look, up in the sky.
441
00:17:21,507 --> 00:17:23,307
Rallo?
How'd you get here?
442
00:17:23,309 --> 00:17:26,479
I hid in that empty duffle bag
that y'all had the coke in
443
00:17:26,479 --> 00:17:28,949
before you flushed it
down the toilet.
444
00:17:29,681 --> 00:17:30,781
(chuckles)
445
00:17:30,784 --> 00:17:32,084
That's not, uh...
446
00:17:32,085 --> 00:17:33,575
I-I didn't...
447
00:17:33,586 --> 00:17:35,786
I don't even own a toilet.
448
00:17:35,789 --> 00:17:38,219
Have no fear, citizens.
449
00:17:38,224 --> 00:17:41,234
I am Superman.
450
00:17:41,227 --> 00:17:42,927
(all gasping)
451
00:17:42,929 --> 00:17:44,929
(wind whistling)
452
00:17:44,931 --> 00:17:46,731
Superman!
453
00:17:47,332 --> 00:17:51,202
Say, Jim,
that's a bad outfit.
454
00:17:51,204 --> 00:17:53,044
Whoo!
455
00:17:53,039 --> 00:17:54,869
(wind whistling)
456
00:17:56,241 --> 00:17:58,981
Uh-oh.
457
00:18:00,212 --> 00:18:01,752
Narc.
458
00:18:02,848 --> 00:18:06,918
Time to kiss
your 'stache good-bye.
459
00:18:08,921 --> 00:18:09,821
(screams)
460
00:18:09,823 --> 00:18:10,993
Wait. Don't.
461
00:18:10,990 --> 00:18:12,020
It's not his fault.
462
00:18:12,025 --> 00:18:13,215
C-Bro's the only person
463
00:18:13,226 --> 00:18:15,756
who ever cared about us kids,
and we blew it.
464
00:18:15,762 --> 00:18:18,162
I was gonna sell a few grams
on the side,
465
00:18:18,164 --> 00:18:20,204
but this stuff is nothing
but trouble.
466
00:18:20,200 --> 00:18:21,100
You can have it.
467
00:18:21,101 --> 00:18:24,971
I know it ain't much,
but let him go.
468
00:18:25,637 --> 00:18:26,797
For a dime bag?
469
00:18:26,806 --> 00:18:29,066
I don't think so, punk.
470
00:18:29,075 --> 00:18:30,205
Yo, I got a bag
of meth.
471
00:18:30,210 --> 00:18:34,050
I'll bust out the sticky icky
for my boy Cleveland.
472
00:18:34,746 --> 00:18:37,076
I got Chinese opium
my moms gave me.
473
00:18:37,083 --> 00:18:39,123
Here's a big old bag
of stinkweed.
474
00:18:39,119 --> 00:18:42,489
Fudge got PCP
for Cleveland.
475
00:18:42,788 --> 00:18:44,258
Here's a balloon
full of pills
476
00:18:44,257 --> 00:18:46,117
I swallowed two days ago.
477
00:18:46,126 --> 00:18:49,026
To sir, with love.
478
00:18:49,795 --> 00:18:51,695
They are our future.
479
00:18:51,698 --> 00:18:53,058
BRODERICK:
Cleveland, it's me.
480
00:18:53,066 --> 00:18:54,366
CLEVELAND:
My brother Broderick?!
481
00:18:54,367 --> 00:18:57,137
I thought you were shipped off
to the Middle East.
482
00:18:57,137 --> 00:18:59,367
I was, but I heard
you were in trouble,
483
00:18:59,372 --> 00:19:00,872
so I raided
a Blackwater operative
484
00:19:00,874 --> 00:19:04,984
and stole his 250 pounds
of Afghani heroin--
485
00:19:04,978 --> 00:19:08,048
the best heroin
in the world.
486
00:19:11,383 --> 00:19:15,123
I'm the richest man
in Stoolbend.
487
00:19:15,121 --> 00:19:18,461
Don't ever let me see
your face again.
488
00:19:18,458 --> 00:19:20,258
Sir, I shall avoid you
489
00:19:20,260 --> 00:19:22,490
like Nicole Kidman
avoids things
490
00:19:22,495 --> 00:19:25,155
that will make her laugh.
491
00:19:25,797 --> 00:19:27,627
(farts)
492
00:19:27,634 --> 00:19:29,334
(stifled giggle)
493
00:19:29,335 --> 00:19:31,335
(laughs)
494
00:19:33,038 --> 00:19:35,308
(guffaws)
495
00:19:36,775 --> 00:19:39,535
Guess I'll drop you
kids off at home.
496
00:19:39,546 --> 00:19:41,306
Actually, you can
drop me off at the mall.
497
00:19:41,314 --> 00:19:44,184
I'm gonna see if I can
get a job folding sweaters.
498
00:19:44,184 --> 00:19:46,324
My cousin's a
non-union electrician.
499
00:19:46,319 --> 00:19:48,419
Maybe I can get
a job with him.
500
00:19:48,421 --> 00:19:50,821
Word.
Gang life sucks.
501
00:19:50,823 --> 00:19:51,963
I heard
that. Yup.
502
00:19:51,958 --> 00:19:53,488
I'm gonna keepmy next baby.
503
00:19:53,493 --> 00:19:56,093
Well, I hope you kids
learned your lesson.
504
00:19:56,095 --> 00:19:59,295
And that lesson is,
do not come near me
505
00:19:59,299 --> 00:20:00,769
or my family,
506
00:20:00,767 --> 00:20:05,037
or I will rip each
one of you a new anus.
507
00:20:05,038 --> 00:20:06,298
(tires screech)
508
00:20:07,272 --> 00:20:08,772
(tires screech)
509
00:20:08,775 --> 00:20:11,775
I found two large on the floor
at that warehouse.
510
00:20:11,778 --> 00:20:14,348
Hmm. Well, I guess
we could use a thousand
511
00:20:14,347 --> 00:20:16,377
to repair the living
room ceiling.
512
00:20:16,382 --> 00:20:19,052
What if Rallo and I
split the other thousand
513
00:20:19,052 --> 00:20:20,422
in exchange
for never telling Donna
514
00:20:20,420 --> 00:20:24,060
about your impossibly
poor judgment and bad parenting?
515
00:20:24,057 --> 00:20:25,217
I could do that.
516
00:20:25,225 --> 00:20:28,125
I want to spend my $500
at Burger Boy.
517
00:20:28,127 --> 00:20:28,527
Could we stop?
518
00:20:28,528 --> 00:20:32,358
Ha! I hope you kids learned
something today, too.
519
00:20:32,365 --> 00:20:34,365
About drugs,
which are bad.
520
00:20:34,367 --> 00:20:36,367
Except for the ones
which aren't,
521
00:20:36,369 --> 00:20:38,299
like ibuprofen and aspirin.
522
00:20:38,304 --> 00:20:40,274
Marijuana is also okay
523
00:20:40,273 --> 00:20:42,413
if it's legally prescribed
by a doctor
524
00:20:42,408 --> 00:20:46,208
in any of the 13 states
where such laws apply.
525
00:20:46,212 --> 00:20:47,982
Alaska, California,
526
00:20:47,981 --> 00:20:50,251
Colorado, Hawaii, Maine,
527
00:20:50,250 --> 00:20:52,150
Michigan, Montana, Nevada,
528
00:20:52,151 --> 00:20:54,351
New Mexico, Oregon,
Rhode Island,
529
00:20:54,354 --> 00:20:56,224
Vermont and Washington.
530
00:20:56,222 --> 00:20:58,022
Time for a road trip.
531
00:20:58,024 --> 00:20:59,324
(laughs)
532
00:20:59,325 --> 00:21:01,085
Don't you judge me.
533
00:21:01,094 --> 00:21:04,134
Half of you
are high right now.
534
00:21:04,184 --> 00:21:08,734
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