All language subtitles for Brooklyn.Nine.Nine.S03E01

Previously on
"Brooklyn Nine-Nine"...

I'm being transferred
to the public relations office.

I am leaving the Nine-Nine
effective immediately.

♪
♪

Hello.
I'm your new commanding officer,

Captain Seth Dozerman.

My motto is simple:
Efficiency, efficiency, efficiency.

Could probably
just say it once.

Are you making fun
of my stutter?

Oh, uh...

Tricked you.
I don't have a stutter.

Boom, I've already
established my authority

through my amazing
sense of humor.

Well done, sir.

Welcome to the Nine-Nine.

I'm Sergeant Terry Jeffords.

And I'm not interested.

I have no use for people.

I find people weird
and confusing.

I live my life by numbers.

You see this watch?

It tells me how many calories
I burn at any time.

How many calories
do you think I burned

walking from there to there?

You, female closest to me.

Oh, uh, three?

Three?
Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Try 0.8, numbnuts.

I have made promises
to my superiors

that I most certainly
cannot keep.

That's why I need you idiots
to work twice as hard.

No, no, strike that.
Four times as hard.

No, no, no, strike that.

I need you morons to work
eight times harder

than you've ever worked
in your entire life!

I'm having a heart attack.

Yeah, I'm having
a heart attack.

Get back to work.

Get a doctor!

Sync & corrections by dzimu_kairu

♪
♪

Yeah, I'm just gonna
make some copies in here.

Perfect cover.
Nailed it.

So apparently,
the new captain survived,

and his heart attack...
not the craziest thing

that happened
at the precinct today.

We kissed, like,
three hours ago.

Yes, we did kiss
each other for reals.

For reals, reals.

Listen.

I know you said you
don't want to date cops,

but I really like you.

I like you too.

Good.

But what if we start dating

and it makes things
weird at work?

So let's just keep it
light and breezy,

see where it goes.

Totally. Yeah.

So how do we keep it
light and breezy?

I know.
A comprehensive set of rules.

How am I attracted to you?

Doesn't matter.
I am. Go.

Rule one,
let's not tell anyone

so we can figure out
what this is first.

Smort.
Rule number two,

let's not put labels on it.

We're not boyfriend
and girlfriend;

We're just "mrmmzeep"
and "jinglebin."

Great.
Rule number three,

let's not have sex
right away.

Cool, cool, cool,
cool, cool, cool...

No doubt, no doubt,
no doubt, no doubt.

Good rule.
No sex, good rule.

So should we go out tonight?

Yeah, totally.

Maybe 8:00, maybe 9:00.
Doesn't matter.

We're light and breezy.

Totally light and breezy.

No!

Briefing room.

Five minutes.

Wow, very chill.

Wuntch.

Hello, Raymond.

You're looking
old and sickly.

So nice of you
to greet us, Madeline.

I thought surely you'd still
be crushed under that house

in Munchkinland.

Sticks and stones, Raymond.

Describing your breakfast?

I came out as a gay cop
in the 1980s,

so it's gonna take more
than reassigning me

to break my spirit.

I'll turn this place around
just like I did the Nine-Nine.

I doubt that.

Everyone, this is
your new commanding officer,

Raymond Holt.

He's going to be with you
for a long, long time.

Thank you, Chief Wuntch.

I'm excited to be back.

I look forward
to doing meaningful work

beginning with my eight-point
plan for community engagement.

Wonderful.

But no new initiatives

until you finish
the meaningful work

that's already
in progress here.

Could be a while, Raymond.

They're trying
to come up with a name

for the NYPD's
new pigeon mascot.

Oh, no.

What?
Naming a pigeon?

How long could
that possibly take?

They've been at it
for months.

I love my life.

Holy Moses, he's alive.

So I want to explain
what happened back there.

I did not have
a heart attack.

The doctors have informed me

that I have a genetic
heart condition.

My aortic valve
is 16% too narrow,

which lowers my life
expectancy from 103 to 64.

So sorry, sir.
That's terrible.

Yes, it's depressing.

They also informed me
that I carry the gene

for webbed feet,

which is interesting,
more than anything else.

But, uh, when you stare
death in the face,

as I have, it really puts
things into perspective,

namely that I've been wasting
too much of my time

farting around!

So that stops now!

Say good-bye
to the fun, hilarious,

laid-back Seth Dozerman

that you used to love.

Boys, hand 'em out!

What the hell are these?

"What the hell
are these?"

These are Dozer-pads.

Each one is equipped
with a GPS system

and a countdown clock
to remind you

to complete a task
every 55 minutes.

It also has backgammon on it,
which I could not delete

but you are not
allowed to play.

What happens when
the clock runs out?

Failure. Failure.

You are behind schedule!

- Oh, that's fun.
- Yeah.

Your 55 minutes
starts right...

now.

Sarge, I don't need
to be monitored all day long.

I'm not a toddler.
This is stupid.

I know you're not a toddler,

because my toddlers know
that "stupid" is a no-no word.

Keep that Dozer-pad
on you at all times.

Fine, but I am gonna play
the hell out of some backgammon.

Watch me.

Bouche Manger.

Oh, small plates,

casual-chic ambiance,
no free soda refills...

Jakey's going on a date.

Are you going
on a date with Amy?

What? No. Why?

Uh, because you guys
just kissed on that mission.

Charles, we just kissed
'cause we were undercover.

- That's it.
- Yeah, it didn't mean anything.

Not that it's any
of your business, Boyle,

but the person
that I'm taking on a date

is a girl from the gym.

What?

Why is this the first time
I'm hearing about her?

Or that you go to the gym?

Jake, avoid the weights.

Nobody wants you turning
into another Terry.

Ugh.

Hey, people like
the way that I look.

Sure they do, big guy.

Look, I can't believe
you're gonna take

some fitness floozy
to Bouche Manger.

You should be going with Amy.

Right, Amy?

Uh...

Whatever, dog.

Date the flooze.

See?

It's never gonna happen,
Boyle, okay?

Because I find Amy repulsive,

and she finds me
extremely handsome.

So stop pressuring us.

Oh, you sweet, naive boy.

I haven't even begun
to pressure you two.

I've already written
my best man speech

for your wedding.

Oh, I'm gonna need you
to get married on a farm.

A lot of my jokes
rely on that.

So here we are,

officially on a date,

romantical date.

Yes, we are.

No longer just colleagues.

Dating.

You got a haircut.
It looks nice.

Oh, thanks.

You also got a haircut

at some point in your life.

I'm sure that's not
your baby hair.

That would be crazy.

But, uh...

Yeah, you look very nice.

Domo arigato.

Do you speak Japanese?

- No.
- Oh.

Uh... sorry.

I think I'm feeling
a little awkward.

Yeah, me too.

How do we make it not weird?

I know.

Let's just get super drunk.

Yes, great idea.

Pardon me, ma'am.

Could you please bring us
four kamikaze shots?

And four for me as well.

Ah, I like your style.

See, we can do this.

We're back on track.

We're keeping it
light and breezy.

So we broke a rule.

Yeah.

I hope it wasn't a mistake.

"I Hope It Wasn't a Mistake,"
title of your sex tape?

Title of our sex tape.

So how was the date
with the floozy?

We are not leaving these seats
until you give me some deets.

All right, fine.

It started off a bit rocky,

but it ended up
being really fun.

Did you kiss?

Did you french?

Boyle, I'm not
gonna answer that.

And no one over the age
of 12 says "french."

Oh, that's a yes.
Oh, my God, you had sex.

I can tell because
you're glowing.

Ugh, Jake, no one wants
to hear about your sex life.

You just asked me repeatedly.

Because I was rooting
for you and Amy,

but now I can see
you're super serious

about this anonymous
gym seductress.

Ugh, I'm so sorry, Amy.

It doesn't matter to me.

I'm... I would never date Jake.

I work with Jake.

I'd love to see you
date someone from work.

Your head would explode.

Your head would explode...

because of how well
I would handle it.

Mm. Sick burn.

Peralta, Dozerman says
he wants to see you.

Captain,
everything all right?

You tell me.

According to your Dozer-pad,
four of your coworkers

have been gathered around your desk
for the last 90 seconds.

Also, someone named
Norm Scully

has been in the bathroom
for the last 72 minutes.

Oh, yeah, that means
he's about halfway.

But in regards
to the coworkers, sir,

I was telling them I wanted
to get more work done,

but all they wanted to do
was talk about my dating life,

knowing full well
that my true love

is efficiency.

You know my motto, sir.

Cho's before hos.

"Cho's" is "chores."

What?

I like you.

I could tell from
the moment I walked in here

that we were one
and the same...

detail-oriented,
love crunching numbers.

Bet your apartment's
immaculate.

Could probably eat
off the floor.

- And I do. Yeah.
- Yeah.

- I'm gonna handle this for you.
- Okay.

I'm gonna send out
a Dozerblast.

Hey, everyone stop talking
about Peralta's personal life.

Dozerblast over.

Well, thank you
very much, sir,

and might I just say
that this has been a Dozerblast.

I saw what you did
right there.

Uh?

- Get back to work.
- Okay.

I know you've been working

on picking a name
for the pigeon mascot

for, uh...

Several months now.

I feel like you might
need a breather,

so I've prepared
an eight-point presentation

on community engagement.

We'll get to your presentation,
Raymond.

It's on the agenda.

Well, it says here
it's scheduled

"after everyone leaves."

And not a minute later.

Trent, Bryce, where
are we with the name?

We've narrowed it down
to two choices...

Petey or Paulie.

With all due respect,

that pigeon is
clearly a Ray J.

Hi.
Gina Linetti,

the human form
of the 100 emoji.

I'd like to hear Captain
Holt's thoughts on a name.

Very well.
My thoughts are...

who cares?

Give us a name, Raymond.

Weigh in on this.

It's your job now.

No.

A name.

Petey or Paulie, which is it?

What does it matter?

Why'd you even choose
a pigeon anyway?

It's a terrible mascot.

Because they're
a staple of New York,

they're nonthreatening,
and they're everywhere.

They're carriers of disease,

and they eat garbage!

Name the pigeon, Raymond!

- You can't make me.
- I can make you, and I will.

Name the pigeon.
That's an order!

Paulie.

Thank you.

Was that so hard?

Yeah, I'm trying
to find some evidence.

I'm just gonna look in here.

Another perfect cover.
Two for two. Nailed it.

All right,
I talked to Dozerman

and convinced him to outlaw
all personal talk at work.

We're in the clear.

And everyone
hates you for that,

but this is totally working,
and no one knows.

I know.
It's the best.

And you know what?
I'm glad we broke the rule

and had sex
on the first date.

Me too, 'cause we're,
like, really good at it.

- So good, right?
- Stupid good.

It makes no sense.

We're light and breezy.

If we want to break rules,
break rules.

Like, what's another
rule we could break?

No making out at work.

Okay, that's
very flattering, Amy,

but there are some rules
that I shall never...

- Let's go.
- Okay.

Warning.
Unknown environment.

Unknown environment.

What's that noise?

I don't hear anything.

Warning.
Unknown environment.

Unknown environment.

Warning.
Unknown environment.

What? I put it up there
for safe keeping.

- Safe keeping?
- Yeah.

I had it on my desk, but
I kept spilling coffee on it.

- Oops.
- Tamper alert.

- Tamper alert.
- Come on, Diaz.

You two have been
in this evidence locker for...

- Hey!
- What? Nothing.

Nothing... you were just
making out with Peralta.

Ah, there's that candy bar
wrapper I was looking for.

Oh, Santiago,
what are you doing here?

So I guess it is
hos before cho's

with you, friend.

Now I understand why nothing
gets done in this precinct.

The detectives are too busy
frenching with each other,

but you know what?

Your little honeymoon
is over!

'Cause as long as I'm here,
you two are done!

And I'm gonna be here
a long, long, long,

long, long, long,
long, long...

Oh, this is a heart attack.

This right here,
this is a heart attack.

Ooh, it's a big one.
Ooh, ooh, ooh.

Oh, oh, oh.

I'm gonna get help.

Sir, it's all right.
We're getting help.

Okay.

Tell my wife
that I love her...

work ethic.

What happened in there?

Nothing.
We were just working,

separately.

Yeah, and then Dozerman
just came in and died.

Peacefully,

like an old cat.

Can you think of anything

that may have caused Dozerman
to be startled?

Ah...

Nope. Uh...

He might have been startled

by how far apart
we were standing.

That seems unlikely,

but obviously he had
a ton of health problems,

so, you know, this seems
pretty open and shut.

Do me a favor and pull
the surveillance tapes.

Right,
the surveillance tapes.

Yep, because this is
a police precinct.

You two have something
to tell me?

All right, fine.

Detective Santiago
and I may have been in there

snorking.

Yes!

Oh!

Wait.
What about the gym floozy?

Amy was the gym floozy.

The gym floozy
was under my nose

the whole time.

Oh, I am over the moon.

- Okay.
- Over the moon.

- All right.
- So what is this?

Casual? Serious?

I need to know
how to make fun of you.

You guys dating?

- Yes.
- No.

Oh, that's not good.

I mean, yes.

I just said no
because of the rules.

We said we weren't
gonna tell anyone.

It's very new,

and we're still
figuring it out.

Enough.
Look.

Terry loves love,

but Terry also loves maintaining
a professional work environment.

As your commanding officer,

I am very disappointed
in both of you.

- So, Boyle...
- Mm.

Let's go look at those
surveillance tapes, yeah?

- Oh, absolutely.
- Mm.

Captain, I know this
isn't my place to say,

but Madeline Wuntch
is here to see you.

Actually that's exactly
your place to say.

You are my assistant.

What precisely did you
think your job was?

Ideally?
Bullfighter.

But it's such a boys' club.

- Hmm.
- Ooh.

I like what you've done
with your office, Raymond.

It's cozy,

like a shoebox one buries
a dead hamster in.

So what did you want
to see me about?

I'd like to propose a truce.

Our feud is
getting in the way

of the NYPD's business.

Madeline, the PR
department is a joke.

Their work here
is meaningless.

Nine weeks to choose
the name Paulie.

I knew instantly
it should be Pepper,

Officer Pepper O'Pigeon.

Maybe we should start
the whole naming process

all over again.

I could turn this department
around if you'd let me.

You're wasting my talents.

This man is a Timberlake,

and you need to stop
treating him like a Fatone.

Yes, yes,
perhaps you're right.

Perhaps I am wasting
your talents.

I want you to spread
your wings, as it were.

I think we've found
the perfect person

to wear the pigeon costume.

It's you, Raymond.

Do we need to get
the costume altered,

or do you have
your own pigeon pants?

No, Madeline, I don't
have my own pigeon pants.

You are
43 minutes behind.

I know.
Get off my back, computer ghost.

Why are you still playing
with that stupid game, Sarge?

- The guy is dead.
- It's not a game.

I'm following
our captain's orders.

His orders were stupid.

I hated him more
than any cop I've ever known.

Whoa.

I just realized I'm never gonna
be able to say that to his face.

I mean, I could say it
to his wife at the funeral,

but it won't be the same.

He was trying to make
our precinct better.

Look. Holt's gone.

Dozerman died.

Who knows who we're
getting next?

I'm just trying to keep
this place running.

That's my job.

Case cleared!

Yeah, how do you
like me now, sucker?

I mean,
I hope you found peace.

Hey, so everybody
knows about us now,

which means all the rules
have been broken

and nothing bad happened.

Nothing bad happened?

Terry yelled at us,
and we killed our captain.

Jake, is this a bad idea?

It seems like the universe
is sending us a lot of signs

that we should
hit the brakes.

Hasn't exactly been
light and breezy.

Yeah, it's been a little more

stressful and death-y.

You have to admit
it hasn't started out great.

What do you want to do, then?

Go back to being colleagues?

Yeah.

Maybe that's what it
needs to be right now.

Okay.

Okay.

♪
♪

Sorry.

♪
♪

No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no...

Boyle, can we please
just go to dinner?

No, no, no, no, no!

This is not how you and Amy
are supposed to end.

You're supposed to grow old

and die holding each other

as your cruise ship
slowly takes on water.

What do you want me to say?

We tried really hard.
We made rules.

We kept it light and breezy.

Light and breezy?

Ow!

Light and breezy
is how you describe

a linen pantsuit,

not a relationship
you care about.

We were just being cautious.

- Cautious?
- Ow!

You guys started this
with one foot out the door.

That's what doomed you,
not the universe.

Actually, it makes
a lot of sense.

Ow, I was agreeing with you!

I'm sorry.

I'm just so excited
about all this!

All right, so what do I do?

- Tell me.
- Easy.

You march over there,
you tell her how you feel,

and you bring a fancy bottle
of lavender shampoo,

because shampooing
a woman's head

is the most erotic thing
you could ever possibly...

No, no, no shampoo.
That's the worst.

But I am gonna go over there.

I'm gonna tell her
how I feel.

Yes!
Go get her.

No!
Wait till it starts raining.

No, that's crazy.
Go now.

Okay.

- Ahh!
- Sorry! Sorry.

It's okay.

I was home,

and I really wanted
to talk to someone about us

and Dozerman
and about Holt being gone,

and then I realized
that the only person

I want to talk about
that stuff with is you.

So screw just being
colleagues,

and screw light
and breezy, right?

Definitely.

Guys, we did it.

We really did it.

Oh, Charles is here.

Big time.

Captain.

The kids want to know
where Paulie the Pigeon is.

I told 'em he got sucked up
into an airplane engine.

Is that all right?

I can't put
that pigeon head on, Gina.

Wuntch has defeated me.

This is how it ends,

with me standing on
the urine-soaked floor

of an elementary
school bathroom

in a third-rate
bird costume.

- I quit.
- No.

I did not follow you to PR
to watch you quit.

I followed you
because you're great

and because you make
everything you touch better,

and I figured PR
would be the easiest path

to launching my reality show
"Linetti, Set, Go."

I thought your reality
show was to be called

"Gina in a Bottle."

No, that was
my fragrance line.

Keep up.

Listen.

You cannot let Wuntch
defeat you.

That is not who you are.

You are a person
who will go out there

and deliver his eight-point plan
on whatever, whatever.

- Community engagement.
- Whatever.

Even if the only
people listening

are a bunch of second graders,

because Captain Raymond Holt

never gives up!

Inspiring words.

I'm going to give
that speech.

Help me with that
pigeon head.

Yeah, all right.

Let's blow some tiny minds.

Rosa Diaz, you are
six hours ahead of schedule.

Great job.

Wow, Diaz.

That's the first time
I've seen him smile.

I didn't do it for him.

I did it 'cause it's my job.

- We cool?
- We're cool.

Good.

Damage.
Critical damage.

There's a rumor the new
captain'll be here today.

Now, I don't know
who Wuntch is sending us,

but it doesn't matter,

because we're a family,

we're strong,

and together,
we can do anything.

Nine-Nine!
Nine-Nine!

What's up, ding-dongs?

I'm your new captain.

- The Vulture.
- No.

Still hot.

Now, I know we have
our history,

me vulturing your cases,

me telling you
to eat my farts,

but that's all in the past,

'cause now that I run
this precinct,

things are gonna get
much, much worse.

So suck it.

No!

Sync & corrections by dzimu_kairu