All language subtitles for Brooklyn NineNine S02E11

Good morning, Diaz, Peralta.

Captain.
You're smiling.

It's very weird, like seeing
a turtle out of its shell.

I'm happy.

Our drug task force
was a success,

and today, I get to watch
my Nemesis, Madeline Wuntch,

drape a medal around my neck.

Also, we cleaned up the streets.

Yeah, sure.
That's good too.

So I've been planning
how to zing Madeline

when she puts the medal on.

I have the perfect line.

"Wuntch-time is over."

It's a...
It's a play on "lunch time."

Yes, devastating burn, sir.

But you know what would
really show her

is if you said nothing at all.

Oh, interesting. Interesting.

Let Madeline know
she's not even worth

my staying up all night
crafting zingers.

"Wuntch-time" took you
all night?

Trust me.
Turn the other cheek.

Which I recently learned
is about faces and not butts,

but works either way.

Yes.

I should be the bigger person.

That shouldn't be hard,
given that

Madeline's not technically
a person.

For meritorious service, the
NYPD bestows this award

on detectives Rosa Diaz,
Jake Peralta,

and Captain...

Raymond Holt.

Raymond.
Madeline.

You won.

Go ahead and gloat, you toad.

Thank you for this honor,
deputy chief.

Oh.
Okay.

You're welcome.

Wuntch-time is over.

Boom! Did it!

Had it both ways.

No regrets.

Sync & corrections by dzimu_kairu

Listen up, gang.

We have intel on a drop
house used by Alexei Bisko,

a Captain
in the Ukrainian mafia.

Oh, he should be psyched.

That's a very
up-and-coming mafia.

His soldiers use the site

to drop off money
and pick up weapons.

We need a couple of teams
to do long-term stakeouts.

I'm out.

Four hours is the most

I've ever spent alone
with any human.

It was the worst experience
of my life.

What about that time we drove
out to Boston together?

That was about four hours.

Oh, I see what just happened.

The only decent vantage
is this condemned hotel

across the street.

We can go in as exterminators,

but too much movement
will look suspicious.

It's an eight-day op, so two
teams will do four days each.

Boyle and I are in.

Okay, that's one team.

Who wants to relieve them?

If extraction is a risk,

the two of us
can do the full eight days.

A Hanukkah miracle.

No, that is too long to be
holed up together like that.

I did a six-day stakeout once.

Did not go well.

Well, that's not gonna be
a problem for us.

The only time
I ever yelled at Charles

was cheering him on at
his roller boogie competition.

We never fight.

It won't be a stakeout,
it'll be a stake-cation.

♪ Stake me out tonight ♪

♪ I don't want to let you go
till we catch this guy ♪

We already have a theme song.

That concludes this meeting.

Ooh, what's this?

None of your business.

"None of your business"?

The most enticing words
a person can say.

Terry, I will not leave
your side

until there are no secrets
between us.

Fine.

I'm making my twins a picture
book for their birthday.

It's called june bug
Adventure girls.

Whoa, this one looks
just like you, Gina.

Yes.

She is straight-up gorgeous.

And this one's definitely you.

Look how masculine
the clothes are.

It's a suit of armor.

Pantsuit of armor.

The drawings look like you two,

but only because it's easier
for me to draw from real life.

The whole squad's in here.

Tiny squirrel is Charles,
the walrus is Captain Holt,

and the hippo with heads
on both ends,

that's Hitchcock and Scully.

How do they defecate?

It's a kid's book, Santiago!

This is why I didn't want
to show it to people.

Pickin' it apart.

Oh.

Oh, my God, did you carry us
up here like suitcases?

No, man.

This is real life.

I rolled you in on the cart.

Boo!

Terry sucks!
Terry sucks!

Terry's great.
Terry's great.

Where do you want the food?

And does braided herring

and jellied starfish
count as food?

Oh, indeed it does.

I may be stuck in a tiny room,

but my palate
will travel the world.

Listen up.

This is a real small room.

If you start getting on
each other's nerves,

do what I do with my babies:

Go to separate corners.

We call it "alone zones."

All due respect, sarge,
but we don't need "alone zones."

No, we do not.

But let me ask you a question.

How do we feel
about scone zones?

I feel great about it.

Me too.

Sarge?

I'm a muffin guy.

Boo!
Boo!

Great news, my friend.

We have a bathroom pet.

His name is Horace,
and he's either a small rat

or a large cockroach, and
he's either sleeping or dead.

Here's the schedule:

Eight hours both on watch;

Eight hours I sleep, you watch;

Eight hours you sleep, I watch.

I set an alarm.

I made the perfect ringtone.

Listen.

♪ Stake me out tonight ♪

♪ I don't want to let you go
till we catch the guy ♪

I love it.

All right, we got binocs,

camera, night vision goggles,
computer, and...

Mini-basketball.

Oh, my God, I love that.

My whole problem with basketball
was big ball, tiny hands.

Tiny ball, problem solved.

Oop me.

Ready? Ooping.
One, two, three!

Did that look
as cool as it felt?

How cool did it feel?

Mm.

Everyone,
this is my nephew Marcus.

He's new in town.

He's staying with me
until he finds a place.

He is 31.

You're a terrible hype-man.

And you must be Gina.

I heard a lot about everyone.

I take it you're
Amy, Rosa, Terry...

I'm Jake.
We're both Jake.

Scully and Hitchcock.

Hey, well, I just came to get
the keys from my uncle Ray.

Let everybody get back to work.

Nice meeting you.
Pleasure.

Bye.

Holy Moses.

"Bye"?
What?

For you, that's basically
walking up to him

and jamming your tongue
down his throat.

Shut up.

Yes, Gina, that's enough.

You're right.
Sorry.

Too far.

But let me just add
one little thing off topic.

Rosa wants to bone your nephew.

♪ Stake me out tonight ♪

♪ I don't want to let you go
till we catch this guy ♪

Wow.

That sleep apnea mask
is something else, huh?

I got to say,

ever since I got her...
Her?

She touches my lips, Jake.

She's a her.

And since she took up residence
on my face,

I sleep like a baby.

Okay.

Well, while you slept,

there was some action
at the drop site.

A blue sedan pulled up.

I got the plates
and the driver's face.

Also, this is the guy
who runs the drop house.

I call him "the beach umbrella"
because he looks so shady.

Oh.

Hey, this is a kind of
weird request,

but would you maybe mind
chewing your nortfluskers

with your mouth closed?

I can't, and I'm excited
to tell you why.

I have a new eating method.

I realized that open mouths
oxygenate the food,

so it's kind of like
wine tasting.

And I hear you, buddy.

I really do.

It's just...
It's pretty gross,

so maybe just while
we're together,

you could keep
the old chewer shut?

Okay, but I don't complain
about how gross your meal is.

What's gross about pancakes
with butter and maple syrup?

You've completely abandoned
the pancake part.

Now you're just eating
butter with syrup on it.

Yeah, I cut out the carbs.

This is me being healthy.

Okay, well, maybe we just eat
in separate corners of the room.

Great.
I love that plan.

Wait!
That's alone zones.

We don't need alone zones.

We're fine.
We're not fighting.

We're great.
Eat your butter-syrup.

Yeah, keep that chew hole open.

♪ Stake me out tonight ♪

♪ I don't want to let you go
till we catch this guy ♪

It's a shift.
Love this song.

I can't even remember
the original lyrics anymore.

Hmm.

Black SUV, female driver.

She's wearing a lot
of drab colors,

so we'll call her Mrs. peacock.

Male peacocks are
the colorful dressers.

God, how did humans
get it so backwards?

We may never know.
Mm-hmm.

Hey, listen, about
our alone zone close call...

Oh, that...
It's not a big deal.

We're not gonna start fighting.
We never fight.

Yeah, totally.
Yeah.

That's what I was thinking.

But just to be safe,
we could write down

some of each other's
annoying behaviors

that we want to be
off-limits, you know?

We could call it
"the no-no list."

Oh, I love it.

Okay, so here's
what I've got for you.

No eating with your mouth open.

We knew that.

No rasta-man voice,
no reciting poetry,

no ballroom dancing, no bird
calls, and no male kegels.

Can I do my kegels secretly?
Watch this.

You'll never know
I'm doing them.

I can definitely tell.

All right, give me my no-no's.

Okay, no butter-syrup, no
talking about Die Hard...

Okay.
I can do that.

Or Die Hard two
or Die Hard three.

What?
Come on.

So you just want me
to talk about the fourth one?

There's a fourth one?
Charles!

No judging me
for not knowing the Die Hards.

All right, fine. What else?
Okay.

No eating mayonnaise
straight from the jar,

no using my toothbrush.

And that's it.

Jake, this no-no list,
it's a slam dunk.

Oop me.

Ooping.

I'm getting better.

Yeah, you are.

You wanted to see me, sir?

Have a seat, Diaz.

You remember my nephew Marcus?
The 31-year-old?

He asked me to ask you
if you are single.

I'm told him I'm not
a third-grade girl

with pigtails
passing love notes.

Yeah, it's so immature.

Precisely.
It's embarrassing.

Agreed.

I am single.

Oh.

I see.

But if Marcus wants my number,
he can ask me for it.

But who will tell him that?

Um, yeah.

You took the last danish.

Oh, sorry.

Did you read Terry's book
about us?

No.
He said not to read it.

Okay, fine, I read it.

My character, cricket,
is such a pushover.

She just lets
all the forest folk

take her magic moose wishes.

Well, june bug
is a stone-cold bitch.

She told all the baby platy-pups
they had weird feet.

Is that how people see us?

Well, you did just steal
that danish out of my hand

and start eating it.

And I let you.

And apologized.

Classic cricket move.

Hey, can I just scootch
in there to the coffee?

You can scootch your ass
back in line.

My coffee needs
are just as important as yours.

What was that all about?

Terry, I try not to judge
people, so I wouldn't know.

Maybe I should
go check on little Amy

and give her
the greatest gift of all...

A hug.

Come on.

Someone use the drop house.

The drop house.

Perfect name
for a porta-potty company.

As soon as we get out of here,

I am taking that
straight to shark tank.

How great is this no-no list?

I mean, we've made it impossible
to annoy each other.

We're gonna make out
with this stakeout.

Mm.

Hey, bud, is rhyming
on your no-no list?

No.

Cool, cool.

Just seems pretty close
to reciting poetry.

Yeah, yeah.
But it's different.

Yeah.
It's different.

It's different.

I'm just gonna add it.

Oh, so we can add things now?

Yeah, why not, right?

I mean, we got the time,
and we got the ink.

Everything but the kitchen sink.

What did I just say?

Okay.
That is under Charles.

Sure, sure, sure.
Cool, cool, cool...

Good. To the window.

Get back in the window.

What is happening?

I got to do this or the bullet
holes in my butt stiffen up.

No talking about
your butt holes.

Two...

Three...

No pull-ups.

No yoga.

No beatboxing.

No letting it mellow.

No sister act.

No life hacks.

No multi-level
marketing schemes.

No calling legitimate
business ideas "schemes."

No licking fingers
before turning pages.

No impressions.

No tea ceremonies.

No cabbage patch.

No parkour.

No running man...
Movie or the dance.

No unrequested lullaby.

No lady-style towels.

Hey.
No nose hair trimming.

We're here for eight days, Jake.

I don't care.
It's on the list.

Well, I hope you like
nostril bush.

Nostril bush?

All right, no more talking.

No more talking at all.

Fine, I'm putting that
on your list too.

That was talking.

So was that.

Okay, fine.
In three, two, one.

No talking.
Zip it.

Hey, Captain.

How's the operation going?

Great, the beach umbrella
has had nonstop visitors.

"The beach umbrella"?

Bisko's lieutenant
who runs the drop site.

We came up with fun little
nicknames for everyone.

I'm glad you're amusing
yourselves.

People thought you'd be
at each other's throats by now.

Do you need a relief team?

What?
Nuh-uh-uh!

No sassy "nuh-uh-uhs."

What was that?

Uh, nothing.

I just said we don't need
a relief team.

Everything's going great.
Right, Boyle?

Right. So great.

Good.
See you in a couple of days.

Okay, sounds good.
Okay, bye.

Bye-bye now.
Bye. I love you.

What?

Hold the door.

Sorry, sarge.

Maybe if you did more cardio

and less weights,
you'd move faster.

No, no, no, Amy.

We need to be the change
we want to see in the elevator.

Uh-uh.
Door open. Door open.

Door close. Door close.
Door open. Door open.

What is going on with you two?

What's going on with you?
Love.

That's it.

Time for an emergency
stop and talk.

Okay, fine.

You want to know
what's going on?

We read your book.

And you should know
I'm not a pushover.

And I'm not a stone-cold bitch.

I'm a natural,
beautiful presence.

Okay, I'm sorry
these characters look like you,

but that's where
the resemblance stops.

Sure, june bug is a meanie
to the platy-pups,

but she's a sweetheart
to the socktopus.

And cricket is a pushover

when it comes to
magic moose wishes,

but she's very brave
in the dolphin wars.

I guess what I'm saying is,
these stories are nonsense.

I love you guys,

but if you're bringing
something more to my book,

that's on you.

If you hadn't stopped
the elevator,

you could have walked off
after your great speech.

Now we all got to sit in it.

Marcus, you leaving?

Come, have breakfast with us.

You're up early.

Okay.

And Detective Diaz is here
as well.

Hey.

Hello, Kevin.

Rosa. Marcus.

Kevin. Uncle Ray.

Marcus.
And cheddar.

Cheddar is also here.

Uh, would you care to join us?

Sure.

Shall we sit?

I don't think...
Sit.

Good, then feel no obligation
to stay, Rosa.

Detective Diaz.

Detective Rosa Diaz
is in my breakfast nook.

So who would like french toast?

I can put a bacon smile on it.

My being here is weird.

This was a bad idea.

We shouldn't
see each other again.

Well, Detective Rosa Diaz
has left.

Hmm.

The only food left
in the whole room

is your stupid herring.

Oh, so we're talking now?

Well, I guess so,
since words came out of my mouth

and you heard them.

That's glib.
No being glib.

It's on the list.

I'm so sick of the list.

I don't even know
what "glib" means.

Ask yourself this.

Is it something you can hear
Garfield saying?

If so, it's glib.

So what, you want me

to just be Garfield's owner,
Jon Arbuckle?

Think about what you're saying.

He's spineless and bland.

And by the way,
me keeping things light

and being "Garfeldian" is
the only reason we don't fight.

Wrong, baby.

The only reason we don't fight

is because I never say anything
when you annoy me,

which is constantly, baby.

I just let it roll off.

I'm a duck's back, baby.

Stop saying "baby."

Charles Boyle
calls people "baby"

when he gets angry.

That's who I am.

And all this is who I am.

And if you don't like
this stuff,

then we shouldn't be friends.

Great.
'Cause guess what?

We're not friends.

That's fine with me, baby.

Uh-oh.

Well, the operation is blown.

♪ Stake me out tonight ♪

♪ I don't want to let you go
till we catch the guy ♪

Oh, I hate this song.
I stand by it.

Well, I'm gonna
check this stuff back in.

Great. Do it.

Okay.

Then we're done.

Yeah, then we're done.

Well, well, well.

Looks like Boyle's out
and Hitchcock's in.

What do you want to do tonight?

Go to a strip club?

Have dinner with my wife?

Are those separate options,

or does she live
at the strip club?

You want to know, you got to go.

Okay.

Peralta, thanks to
your basketball mishap,

the drop site
has been abandoned,

and Alexei Bisko's
gone to ground.

We told you eight days
was too long for a stakeout.

With all due respect, sir,
it wasn't the amount of time.

It's who I was stuck there with.

I could easily have done it
with Scully.

Really?

You would've applied
that cream to his back?

No, I would've put it
on the floor

and let him roll around in it.

This isn't my first rodeo.

You need to find Bisko.

You can start
by doing door duty,

see if anyone knows where he is.

Take Boyle.

Sir, I'd like to request
a new partner.

I can't work with Charles.

We're not friends anymore.

"Friends?"

I don't care if you're friends.

This is not a playdate.

This is your commanding officer
ordering you to do your job.

Fine, but I hope you
can live with the fact

that you're forcing people
to spend time together

who would rather not.

I'm fine with that.

Sarge, I need to talk to you
about the kid's book.

Seriously?

I'm wrapping it right
now, and I need to focus.

Look, I know the story
is nonsense

and I'm not a forest nymph
who wears armor pantsuits,

but I think it bothered me
because sometimes

I can be too much of a pushover.

To be honest, it felt nice to
stand up for myself this week.

Good for you, Santiago.

I also learned a valuable lesson
from your stupid book.

I learned I'm perfect
the way I am,

and I should never change.

This is a symbolic gesture.

I'm speaking to you as a
friend, not a Captain.

And as your friend, I
have this brassiere

you left behind in Marcus' room.

Also, I just wanted you to know,

um, I think Marcus
is great, and...

And you're great,

and I hope the fact
that you and I work together

won't prevent you from dating
if that's what you want to do.

I might.

But I don't want to
talk to you about it.

Perfect, because I'm not
comfortable knowing about it.

Great, then let's
never talk about it.

Let's never talk about anything.

Done.

This is Bisko's aunt's
apartment.

Maybe she's seen something.

Let's just get this over with.

Yes?

It's Bisko. Fire escape.

I'll cut him off at the back.

Police! NYPD!

♪ Fatty had it made ♪

♪ Like a blade in the sun,
like a push in the bush ♪

Hey!

♪ When you got none ♪

♪ Ping pong ♪

Alexei Bisko,
you're under arrest.

You okay?

Yeah.

Thanks for having my back.

You don't have to thank me.

I've always got your back.

Look, this whole thing
has been so stupid.

Right?

Are we friends again?

No.

We're brothers.

Gah, that was terrifying!

Don't pause like that.

Look, brothers fight, but
at the end of the day,

they're always there
for each other.

My brother had sex with my wife,

and then he ran
to the Florida keys.

One day I'll finish him.

Just be arrested, man.

We're trying to have
a moment here.

Sync & corrections by dzimu_kairu