All language subtitles for Brooklyn NineNine S01E07

[Knocks]
Hey, cap'n, got a second?

- It's "Captain."
- What did I say?

"Cap'n,"
like cap'n crunch.

All right,
but to be fair,

cap'n crunch
was a war hero

and the primary
male role model

in my house,
growing up, so...

Anyways, cap-tain,
you know

that jewelry store robbery
down by grand army Plaza?

- Mm-hmm.
- I know who did it... Dustin Whitman.

I put him in Rikers
two years ago.

He just got out,
and the crime scene

matches his M.O. perfectly.

[Siren wails]
(Jake) Okay, what do we got?

Well, security cam
shows a male suspect, 5'9"...

Wearing a black ski mask.

He bypassed
the McConnell alarm

by using
the magnetic kill switch.

And he only stole diamonds,
nothing over two carats.

Yeah, exactly.
How'd you know?

I'm a Detective.
It's what I do.

I'm just kidding.
I need a lot more information.

But that would've been
a great exit line, right?

The crime techs
aren't done yet,

but I'm 100% sure
it's Whitman.

Well, let's see
what kind of physical evidence

they turn up,
and then we can talk arrest.

Actually,
hilarious story.

(Jake)
So that is Dustin Whitman.

You already arrested him?
With insufficient evidence?

By law, we have 48 hours
to find that evidence,

or we have to let him go.

You just started the clock.

What's up
with this emergency meeting?

Whoa, Detective Santiago.

Big date tonight.
How do I look?

Well, I think you look...

[Donkey braying]

Sorry, that was supposed
to be a catcall.

I don't know
how this works.

Hey, is this why you were
getting makeup tips

from the prostitute
in the holding cell?

I just wanted to know
how she got such smoky eyes.

Turns out
it was an std rash.

Detective Peralta
has made a collar

in the jewelry store heist.

- Way to go, jakey.
- Ah, that's okay.

No. He didn't get
sufficient evidence

to make it stick,
so we have

the next 48 hours
to fix his mistake.

[All groaning]
Damn it, Jake.

What evidence did you have
when you arrested this guy?

Some pretty ironclad stuff.

Dustin, it's been a while.

Mind if I ask you
a few questions?

Well, well, well,
if it isn't joke Peralta.

- [Laughs]
- That's it, you're under arrest.

Case closed?

If we don't find
something conclusive,

it jeopardizes the case

and opens the department up
to a lawsuit.

So cancel your plans.

We're here
until this is over.

- Damn it, Peralta.
- Ow!

I know everyone's mad
at Peralta

for ruining their weekend.

But?

That was it.

I was just demonstrating

for Detective Peralta
what a fact is.

Sync & corrections by dzimu_kairu

♪

Terry, you just
pulled two doubles.

You must be tired.

I'll stay
for this Whitman debacle.

- You go home.
- I'm not tired.

Why would you think
I was tired?

[Grunting]

[Snoring]

[Snoring]

I ended up doing
25 minutes

of sleep chin-ups
on muscle memory alone.

Tired Terry still
gets after it,

that's all I'm saying.

(Rosa)
Hey, Gina, can you

order food for us
at the flatbush diner?

They make the best pies
in New York City.

Oopsie, you said something
super dumb.

The best pie
in the city's at crust.

Wrong.
Ignorant and wrong.

Uh, you think you can
just bully people,

but you can't.
It's not okay.

I'm the bully around here,
ask anyone.

Boyle, you're always blogging
on that foodie website.

Which pie's better?

Yeah, whose do you like better,
mine or Rosa's?

Oh, uh, you know,
I-I haven't

been to either place yet.

Why is your eye twitching?

[Scoffs]
Wouldn't you like to know?

Could I see you for a second
in the evidence lockup?

Charles, I know
what's going on.

You've tried both pies.

You know mine is better.

But you're scared
to tell Rosa,

'cause you're into her.

What?

[Laughs nervously]
That is not true, okay?

I-I-I don't even like food.

- What?
- Who's Rosa?

Y-you're the scared one.

[Door shuts]

Planning your strategy?

No, I'm just making
funny faces at him.

This mirrored glass
is awesome.

It straight-up works.

An effective use
of your limited time.

It is, actually.
That's how I got him last time.

Let him stew for a little bit,
got in his head,

and he confessed.

- You better be right.
- I am.

Hey, make some funny faces
while I'm in there.

I wanna see if I can tell.

I didn't do anything, joke.

[Mouthing]

That's funny.

You said the exact
same thing last time.

And how'd that
work out for you?

Let's take a look.

Okay. Here's you
at your trial.

You in prison.

Me meeting Regis philbin.

That was fun.

You still in prison.

Me at splash mountain,
just pepper these in here.

You in prison,
you in prison,

you in prison,
you get it.

- You got the wrong guy.
- All right.

Not ready to confess?

Fine by me.

I got all the time
in the world.

No, you actually
have 48 hours.

I know the law.

Nuh-uh.

So looks like we're gonna
be here for a while.

Should someone
do a coffee run?

You know what?
Coffee's on me.

Oh, but no froofy frappuccinos
or anything,

I've only got, like,
10 bucks.

Okay.

Rise and shine, detectives,
rise and shine.

Peralta, I want you
to bring everyone up to speed.

You slept in your office,
and you look

exactly the same.
How?

What are you talking about?
My hair is a mess.

Oh, yeah.
Briefing room, five minutes.

How long were we asleep?

Just long enough for me
to squeeze in quick workout.

So, like, three hours.

- Morning.
- (Jake) Ugh.

I can't believe
you live nearby

and you won't let anyone crash
at your place.

You people already know
too much about me.

I know exactly
three facts about you,

and one of them
is that you won't

let any of us crash
at your place.

Is that a nightgown?

(Terry)
That's mine.

It's a t-shirt
from my fat phase.

"If at first
you don't secede,

try try again."

(Terry) When you're that big,
you buy anything that fits.

A lot of fat guy clothes
have racist overtones.

(Jake) Okay, a couple
of quick announcements.

First, I met
our night janitor Ronald.

If any of you are missing
hand sanitizer, he drank it.

Second, our warrants
finally went through.

We gotta place Whitman
at the scene and prove

that he either possessed
or sold those diamonds.

I know you're all tired,

but don't forget
why we're here.

Because we're
dedicated detectives.

- Because Peralta jumped the gun.
- Yep.

Get to work.

So we both
had good answers.

This isn't a joke.
You're ruining our weekend.

Okay, I'm sorry you had
to cancel dinner with your dad.

Date.
I had a date.

Hey, if Jake says
the guy did it,

that usually means
the guy did it.

Thank you.
Everyone listen to Rosa.

No, I'm still
furious at you.

Okay, no one
listen to Rosa.

She's clearly an accomplice
to this crime.

I'm gonna go take
another crack at Whitman.

You've been in there,
like, five times.

What are you gonna do?

Annoy him into talking?

Ha, ha.

Two, three, four.

[Strumming guitar
out of tune]

Aah!

[Shrieking]

Didn't work.

Thank you.
Did not work.

Hey, Captain.

Will you please
let everyone else go?

I feel bad
that I ruined their weekend,

and I can tell
they're pissed at me.

I mean, Charles hasn't tried
to high-five me all morning.

Yes, I've taken
the brunt of that.

Kitchen buds.

Are you sure
Whitman did it?

Yes, I'm positive.

Then the whole team stays.

We have a better shot
with everyone on it.

Fine, will you at least
tell Hitchcock to go home?

His mouth smells like
rotten trout milk.

Is there such a thing?

I'm just telling you
what it smells like.

Get out.

- Do you have the bank records?
- Mm-hmm.

Good thing I didn't reschedule
my date for tonight.

We're never leaving here.

Well, maybe that's
a good thing, you know?

Saved you from another
lame Internet date

with some lame guy named dirk
or mar... garine.

He's not lame, okay?

He works
with a friend of mine.

He has a human name.

And I'm not telling you
what it is,

because you'll look him up
and make fun of him.

I can't believe you think
so little of me

that you would just
automatically assume...

Is it Luke Mueller?

How did you do that?

Well, you only have
one friend... Kylie.

And she has
seven male coworkers.

Goatee, goatee,
jaunty fedora,

profile pic is a sunset,

tasmanian devil tattoo,
goatee.

Leaving Luke
as the only viable option.

Well, he's nice,

and he uses proper
punctuation in texts.

- Dreamboat.
- And I wanted to go out with him.

All right. You know what?
Reschedule for tonight.

I promise I will get us
out of here in time.

Fine.
I'm holding you to that.

Where's he taking you?

Terrific, let's get
everyone involved.

Dinner and a movie.

[Farting noise]

Dinner and a movie
is the perfect first date.

I think the perfect first date
doesn't feel like

a first date at all,
because you've known each other

for a few years,
maybe even work together.

And one night
you're laughing,

and then all of a sudden,
it's just like blammo!

Kissing.

For me: Cheap dinner,
watch basketball, bone down.

So pretty much the same
as what I said.

None of the partials
match Whitman.

If he did it,
he didn't leave any prints.

Maybe he doesn't have any.

Interesting fact
about me...

I once burnt my fingerprints off
on a wok.

Hi, hello.

What are you doing?

Holt said you didn't
have to come in here.

You don't come in on days
you're supposed to work.

Because I'm so nice,
I brought two pies.

One is from crust.

And one's also
from flatbush diner.

Hey, you know what
might be fun?

Charles could try them
and tell us which one is better.

How fun is that?

- So fun.
- Yay!

Yum, yum, yum.
Yummy.

You got a second, Captain?

I've got these overtime forms
for you to s...

Are you stifling a yawn?

- No, sir.
- Go home, sergeant.

I'm fine.

And I filled this out.
I just need you to...

Permission to yawn, sir.

Go home.

Please, I'm begging you.

- [Sniffs] Oh, fair enough.
- Yeah.

[Chuckckle]
That's for women.

- These your glasses?
- Mm-hmm.

They're gigantic.

My contacts dried out,
thanks to you.

And they're cool.
No, they're not.

Wow, you are blind blind.

- Yeah.
- You're a blind cop.

How has there not been
a made-for-TV movie

about your struggles?
Give those back.

Yeah, okay.

Wait a minute.

I did it.

I got Whitman,
dead to rights.

I can still make my date?
As I promised.

Go get changed.

And by that,
of course I mean

throw your glasses
in the garbage,

then get laser surgery,

then recuperate...
And she left the room.

It's all right.
6 out of 12.

Out of 12? Why?

For the 12 components
of food satisfaction:

Salty, sweet, sour,
bitter, umami, odor, sound...

Sound?
Come on, Charles.

Try her nasty pie.

Oh, wow.

That's the best pie
I ever had.

[Laughs]
No, no.

- No, no, no.
- What's this?

We were running calls
to pawn shops

and then waiting for them
to call back.

I didn't ask
what you were doing.

I asked
what you are doing.

Pie taste test, it's over.
I won.

That's unacceptable.

If you wanna know which
restaurant has better pies,

you can't just have one guy
try one pie from each place.

Everybody needs to try

all the pies
from both places.

We gonna be here awhile.

Debit card statement.

You were at a parking meter

two blocks
from the jewelry store

an hour before the robbery.

Oh, no, you found out...
About my wife.

We both have cards, because
we share a joint account,

because we love each other.

You're incapable of love,
and I'll prove it!

Oh, I'm very tired.

I want my lawyer, now.

Ugh!

You have changed.

You used to go
straight to prison!

Did Whitman talk?

Oh, he talked all right.

He asked for his lawyer.

By using words,
which is technically talking.

We can't ask him
any more questions

till we find his lawyer,

and we can't find
his lawyer anywhere.

I'm sorry.

Aah, come on.

Why is there pie here?

(Jake)
That's not good.

I think the world of you,

as a colleague
and friend.

- Shut up, Peralta.
- (Jake) Yep.

- Yes!
- Another one for crust.

It's not looking good
for flatbush diner.

Ah, come on!

You went home and showered?

That's so unfair.

I'm just glad I keep a toothbrush here.
Oh, cool.

Hey, can I borrow it?

Uh, why do you wanna
borrow the toothbrush?

What possible answer
could he give

that would make you say yes?

I wanna brush my teeth.

Jake, it's been
in my mouth.

That's the grossest thing
I've ever heard.

That's the grossest thing
you've ever heard?

You caught a guy
on the subway

with a bag of human ears.

Your thing's grosser.

Bring out the meringues.

I brought a few more.
That's so many.

You wanted something, sir?

Look, it's impossible
to make you leave.

But you do have to sleep,
and that's an order.

Sir, this is not necessary.

Also, can't sleep
without my whale songs.

Terry, I've seen this before.

Problems at home,
so you stay late at the job,

but that only
makes it worse.

Everything's great
with my wife.

It's just,
my brother-in-law's in town,

and we do not get along.

- He thinks I'm a weakling.
- You?

Let me get that for you.

I can do it.

Tiny Terry
loves his pickles.

He makes me feel so small.

Who cares what he thinks?

You're a police sergeant.
You're a grown man.

Now take your nap.

And if I see
the lights on in here,

I'm gonna be
very disappointed in you.

Are you the idiot that made
a Friday night arrest?

I was in the poconos
with my wife.

You ruined
my entire weekend.

Get in line, because
that's their attitude.

Get your own attitude.

He has an alibi, geniuses.
He was at torque.

It's a nightclub in cape may,
New Jersey, all night.

Nice try.

You think I'm gonna
waste six hours

driving to the Jersey Shore
and back on some fake alibi?

It's up to you.

But in ten hours,
he walks.

More like in ten hours,
he walks into prison,

when we bust him.

Let's follow up
on his alibi.

- Yep, you heard him, Scully, hit the road.
- No.

You should've looked
into this

before you made the arrest.
You go.

(Scully) Oh, Captain,
I'm happy to go.

I love the saltwater taffy
down there.

Scully loves
the saltwater taffy down there.

No, Peralta's going.
Go, Peralta.

Look, I know I caused
this problem, but I can fix it.

We just got
some new security footage in.

Let me stay here
and go through it.

I'm gonna prove that Whitman
was at the scene of the crime,

even if it kills me.

This is killing me.

- Good. Die.
- [Sighs]

You know,
if it does come to that,

I have but one wish
before I go.

Can I please put your glasses
on my penis?

I just think
that would be really funny.

Hey,
can you make copies

of these warrant requests
for me?

I'm not your secretary.

You're everyone's secretary.

That's literally your job.

And your job is lying
about your taste buds?

[Sighs]

I'm sorry about
the whole pie blowup thing.

You're right.

The flatbush diner pie
is awful.

- Thank you.
- It's just...

I want Rosa to like me.

All right,
do whatever you want,

but most women
don't really like it

when dudes lie to them.

Except for me,
but I'm wired

to thrive on dysfunction.

Nothing.

Wait, wait, wait. This guy...
5'9 " or 5'10",

black knit cap.

Come on, come on, come on.

(Jake)
Gotcha!

Ugh, it's not him.

Let's just arrest this guy.
Who even cares anymore?

So how'd my new best friend
Luke take it

when you
cancelled on him again?

Don't know,
hasn't called me back.

Which is
what always happens,

because it's impossible
to be a cop and date.

Amy, look.
There is a guy out there

with incredibly low standards

and a super weird
soul patch,

and he is waiting for you.

Amy, my patch
tingles for you.

We will wed on the isle
of New Jersey.

Our first dance will be
to jessie's girl,

because my name
is definitely jessie.

- It's so romantic.
- Hey, guys.

Hey.

Yeah, there's good news,
and there's bad news.

The bad news is my saltwater
taffy place was closed.

And the good news?

Whitman's alibi
checked out.

Security footage from torque
shows he was there.

That's not good news.

- That's bad news.
- Right. That is bad news.

Sorry, it's on me.

No, Detective Scully,
it's on Peralta.

No, Captain,
that's on Santiago.

It's on me.
It's still on me.

(Terry)
This is such a disaster.

It's not good.
D.A.'s furious.

Whitman and his lawyer
are in my office right now,

gunning for a lawsuit.
No, not that.

My brother-in-law is coming
to have dinner with me

on his way to jfk.

But also the botched
investigation, that's bad too.

Okay, what can I do?

Oh, your services
will not be necessary,

because you need to go home
and change for your date.

- What?
- I called handsome Luke.

I explained the weekend
was entirely

my fault, partially.

And he wants to go out
with you tonight.

- Thanks, Peralta.
- You're welcome.

Just promise me you won't
use the condoms

in the secret pocket
of your purse, okay?

- They're expired.
- How do you know what's in my purse?

I needed concealer
for a zit.

Plus, you know, we spend
so much time together here,

I know everything
about everyone.

I know Hitchcock
went bald at 15.

Scully used to date
Hitchcock's wife.

Charles has a bike with
a little basket on the front.

How else would you
carry baguettes?

And Rosa has a shower
in her apartment, I think.

I got nothing on her.

Good.

Well, I guess we did
just spend 48 hours

locked in here together.

Holy crap.

- What?
- Locked in here together.

So we will be filing
a wrongful arrest suit

against the NYPD.

And when I win,
I'm gonna buy club torque,

put a statue of Jake Peralta

right in the middle
of the dance floor.

First off,
that's a terrible threat.

I would love to have
a statue of myself

in the middle
of a dance club.

Second...
[Clears throat]

Do me a favor,
take a look at this picture,

and tell me what you see.

You and Regis philbin.

(Jake)
Awesome, right?

Surprisingly
down-to-earth guy

and definitely not the picture
I meant to show you.

But take a look at this.

That's right, it's you and
your old cell mate Marcus Cole.

And here he is again
outside the jewelry store.

The two of you planned this
together in prison.

You taught him your m.O,

he pulled off the robbery,

you got yourself an alibi,
and you split the loot.

Oh, man, I can't believe
he caught us.

[As Regis philbin]
Of course he did,

Peralta is the best!

Aw, thanks, reg.
That's enough.

Yeah, I gotta work
on my Regis.

Anyway, see ya in jail,
Whitman.

You got anything else
to say?

Hey, Rosa, the flatbush diner's
pie is terrible.

It's inedible.

Food is supposed
to be edible.

So you were lying?

- What the hell, Boyle?
- [Giggles]

Put it
in the suck-it bucket.

Crust isn't any better.

It's fancier, but it's
all bells and whistles.

Desserts don't need
to be clever.

They just need to be good.

This is the best pie
in New York City...

Apple from argos bakery,
founded 1910.

Recipe unchanged.
Taste it.

Damn, it is amazing.

This pie is so good,
I hate it.

You just graduated
pie school, bitches.

Sorry I said "bitches,"
I'm just really worked up.

Yow!
Mmm, what is that?

Sorry for screwing up
everyone's weekend.

Hey, uh, drinks on me.
Who's in?

Oh, no way.
No, I got the date. I gotta change.

- Come on.
- Everyone's tired, Peralta.

They just wanna go home.

Yeah, but I have to prove
I'm not selfish,

so I don't care
what they want.

That sounded bad.

And to make up
for what I did, I'll cover

one shift each
for all of you.

[Laughs]
No kidding?

- Except Santiago.
- What?

(Jake)
I got you your date back.

One nice thing from me
is all you get.

So this is my desk.

Desk jockey, huh?

You just sit here,
eat your pickles,

wait for the criminals
to turn themselves in.

Actually, I don't like
pickles that much.

(Holt) Terry, I'm glad
I found you.

There's been a development
in the Russian mob case.

Oh?
Yeah, our killer

has been spotted
in the warehouse

down by the canal.
Get your gear.

So you want me first
through the door, sir?

Oh, it's just you.

The SWAT team
is on another call,

so you'll have
to do it alone.

Hey, I'm not gonna be able
to make dinner tonight.

Hey, no, do your thing,
do your thing.

Go, Terry.

You can crash
on my couch.

I even downloaded you
some whale songs.

Thank you, sir.
I'll never forget it.

Good night, Terry.

Sync & corrections by dzimu_kairu