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(techno music playing)
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♪ ♪
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♪ Play it, say it, say it, say it... ♪
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♪ Play it, say it, say it, say it... ♪
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Woman: Ladies and gentlemen,
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00:00:42,291 --> 00:00:46,055
please welcome Whitney Cummings!
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(cheering)
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I have to pee. I'm good!
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What is up, bitches? Come on!
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(cheering)
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Thank you so much for being here.
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I'm shooting my HBO special, no big deal.
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This has been a dream of
mine for a very long time,
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so thank you for being
here, for showing up.
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I really appreciate it.
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Thank you for wearing shorts, sir.
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You were getting ready,
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you're like, "I'm going to Whitney's
dream come true, and I'm gonna...
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"I'm gonna wear these seersucker..."
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operative word: suck... "shorts.
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"I just want her to look at
my scrotum the whole night
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to let her know what I think
of her accomplishments."
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You know, just that thigh.
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You know, that weird part of your thigh
that just looks like a swollen vagina?
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That's what I'm looking at.
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Really appr... Thanks for shaving, sir.
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And where's the camera.
Is there a camera in the...
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And for you guys at home, if
you're watching this on YouTube,
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fuck you,
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Go to HBO Go, like an adult,
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so I can get ten cents,
okay, out of this view.
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(cheers, applause)
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Thank you.
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I'm wearing heels tonight, it's
the least you could fucking do.
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I like you guys. You guys are hot, sexy.
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Sexy people. Are you guys young? Young?
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Yeah? Yeah? Anyone in their 20s?
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- 20s?
- Audience: Whoo!
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That's what you do in your 20s, you "whoo."
40
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Hold old are you?
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- 27.
- 27.
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Well, you're 30.
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(laughter, applause)
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Younger than 27?
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- Woman: 24.
- 24! (laughing)
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Yeah, life's about to fuck you up real bad.
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I love seeing girls in their
20s. It cracks me up, man.
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It reminds me of when I was in my 20s.
49
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'Cause when I was in my
20s, I was such an idiot.
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Like, when I was in my 20s, I
was the worst combination of...
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I was arrogant, but I was also,
like, delusional, you know?
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00:03:34,100 --> 00:03:37,524
Like, when I was in my 20s,
I thought that I was a catch.
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I thought I was funny
and interesting and smart,
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but I wasn't. You're not.
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Okay? It's just that guys want
to have sex with you, right?
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So they laugh at your stupid jokes.
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They listen to your boring-ass stories.
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And then you start getting an ego.
You start thinking you're awesome.
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Then you turn 30, and guys stop
wanting to have sex with you,
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00:04:01,117 --> 00:04:07,688
and then you're just left
with a terrible personality.
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00:04:07,723 --> 00:04:10,239
That's what happened to
me. I got enabled in my 20s,
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now I'm in my 30s, and I'm just a... dick.
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I'm the worst. I'm loud.
I'm obnoxious. I'm bossy.
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You know? But I think I got
confused about what guys like.
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'Cause you remember there was
a rumor going around for a while
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that men like strong women?
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People would say that. They'd
be like, "Men like strong women.
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Men like independent, strong women."
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Yeah, no they don't.
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Okay, I've seen porn.
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Men like Asian schoolgirls
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with duct tape over their mouths.
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(laughter, applause)
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That's what men like.
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Literally, in porn they have
categories you can pick from.
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There's a menu on the side. It's like,
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"girl-on-girl,
college girls,"
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there's no "CEO."
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(laughter)
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Guys aren't watching porn, like,
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"Yeah, girl, get that promotion, yeah."
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It sucks.
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It sucks because I feel like I worked
my ass off to accomplish my goals,
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to accomplish my dreams.
85
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Now I feel like I have the best life ever.
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I have the career I want,
but guys are not into that.
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Guys aren't into self-sufficient girls,
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you know, who are independent.
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That's not a turn-on.
I'm not a sexy woman.
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My dirty talk is not sexy.
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I'm like, "Hey, wanna
come back to my house...
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that I own?"
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(laughter)
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Not a turn-on.
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Guys like girls to be,
like, vulnerable and coy.
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Guy's like girls to be like "Mmm...
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"I'm lost.
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"Can you help me? Mmm...
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Your dick's too big, it hurts. Mmm..."
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It doesn't.
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(laughter, applause)
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I'm in my 30s. Nothing
fucking hurts anymore.
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My lower back kind of hurts.
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- (laughter)
- That's another...
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That's a different story.
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So, I don't know what to do, you know?
I can't stop achieving my goals, right?
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I can't stop doing what I love.
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So I feel like what I need to start
doing is when I meet a guy that I like,
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I just need to acknowledge what
they find unattractive about me
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and just straight up negotiate with them.
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I'm gonna be like, "Look,
I know I'm not 24, but...
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"I have a pool."
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"I know I'm not adorable and
coy, but I can pay all your bills.
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I can get you out of debt today!"
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There's so much evidence in our culture
that you guys like tiny, fragile women.
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You know, especially in our vernacular.
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Even the fact that you guys call us "baby."
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No one else think that's weird?
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Especially in a sexual connotation.
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Baby is the only socially
acceptable increment of age
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you can say to a woman in bed, you know?
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You can't be like, "Yeah,
bend over toddler, yeah."
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"Yeah, you like that, preteen? Uhn!"
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I don't like it. I think it's creepy.
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That's when a guy calls me
"baby" in bed, I'll be like,
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"Waah!"
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And then I just shit my
pants just to make a point.
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Like, you want a baby, you got one, weirdo.
129
00:08:04,574 --> 00:08:07,544
Guys like girls to be babies,
and guys like girls to be bad.
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00:08:07,579 --> 00:08:10,373
Right? You guys like "bad girls."
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So bizarre.
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00:08:12,211 --> 00:08:13,749
It always happens, you start dating a guy,
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it's only a matter of time before
you're having sex and he's like,
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"Are you a bad girl?"
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I'm always like,
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"No.
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I pay my taxes on time."
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And, also, I feel like before we
play this game of Are You a Bad Girl,
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we should agree on a definition of
bad that works for both of us, okay?
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00:08:33,807 --> 00:08:36,469
I'm a comedian, my taste
is a little bit off.
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If I was really gonna double down
on the bad girl game, I'd be like,
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"Yeah, I'm a bad girl, I have
herpes and I didn't tell you, yeah."
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- Man: No!
- "No"?
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00:08:46,451 --> 00:08:49,975
"It's not... That's not an
aphrodisiac, okay, right.
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We'll circle back, I'll work on that."
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Guys like girls to be babies,
guys like girls to be bad,
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and guys like girls to be exotic.
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Guys are into exotic girls now.
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00:09:00,773 --> 00:09:02,387
I know this because a girlfriend of mine
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00:09:02,422 --> 00:09:04,104
set me up on a blind date with this guy,
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00:09:04,139 --> 00:09:06,271
then she called me and rescinded the date.
152
00:09:06,348 --> 00:09:07,606
She was like, "Yeah,
it's not gonna work out.
153
00:09:07,641 --> 00:09:10,315
I found out he's only into Cuban girls."
154
00:09:10,402 --> 00:09:13,405
I was like, "All right, I
can put on some self-tanner,
155
00:09:13,455 --> 00:09:17,686
and drink out of a fucking
coconut. What do you want?"
156
00:09:17,781 --> 00:09:19,394
And she was like, "No, it's
not about the skin color.
157
00:09:19,476 --> 00:09:22,838
"He's not into Brazilian girls, he's
not into Spanish, it's just Cuban."
158
00:09:22,873 --> 00:09:28,022
And I was trying to figure out like, what is
the fetish of the island of Cuba? Just Cuba.
159
00:09:28,061 --> 00:09:31,079
The only thing I could deduce is that
Cuban girls must be super fun to date
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00:09:31,148 --> 00:09:32,507
'cause they're super easy to impress
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00:09:32,542 --> 00:09:35,165
'cause they've never had
American products before.
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00:09:35,261 --> 00:09:37,675
So, he's like, "I got you a Coca-Cola."
163
00:09:37,710 --> 00:09:40,857
She's like, "Oh my God,
he's a millionaire!"
164
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Yeah, you guys have to read
the news to get that one.
165
00:09:52,158 --> 00:09:53,422
I think it's gonna be harder
and harder for you guys
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00:09:53,457 --> 00:09:56,088
to find these kind of
weak, submissive women.
167
00:09:56,175 --> 00:09:58,741
'Cause women aren't like that
anymore. Women are badasses now.
168
00:09:58,776 --> 00:10:02,604
All my girlfriends are strong,
self-sufficient, have awesome jobs, you know?
169
00:10:02,639 --> 00:10:03,967
And I... Here's the thing.
170
00:10:04,002 --> 00:10:05,781
I think feminism is working,
171
00:10:05,816 --> 00:10:07,522
but I don't know if you guys like it.
172
00:10:07,557 --> 00:10:09,918
I think you guys are mad at us about it,
173
00:10:09,953 --> 00:10:12,067
and it's coming out in nefarious ways.
174
00:10:12,102 --> 00:10:15,427
Like, the way guys talk about
women has gotten more aggressive.
175
00:10:15,477 --> 00:10:19,433
The way guys talk about having sex
with women has gotten super violent.
176
00:10:19,468 --> 00:10:21,116
I was talking to a guy friend
of mine a couple weeks ago,
177
00:10:21,151 --> 00:10:22,894
and he goes,
178
00:10:22,929 --> 00:10:25,040
"I hooked up with this
girl the other night.
179
00:10:25,098 --> 00:10:26,951
Destroyed that shit."
180
00:10:29,280 --> 00:10:31,236
It's like, "Excuse me?"
181
00:10:31,271 --> 00:10:34,873
He goes, "Yeah, dude, I
murdered that shit, bro."
182
00:10:34,908 --> 00:10:37,908
It's like, first of all,
you did not murder her.
183
00:10:37,943 --> 00:10:39,707
She's fine.
184
00:10:39,858 --> 00:10:43,388
She's at home. She might
be a little disappointed,
185
00:10:43,423 --> 00:10:45,720
but she's gonna...
186
00:10:45,796 --> 00:10:51,267
She's gonna get through it. She survived
the wrath of your murderous dick.
187
00:10:51,358 --> 00:10:54,229
Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew!
188
00:10:54,264 --> 00:10:55,550
You did not kill her.
189
00:10:55,585 --> 00:10:58,064
You might have given her
a urinary tract infection,
190
00:10:58,099 --> 00:11:03,286
but she's gonna... She's gonna bounce back.
191
00:11:03,353 --> 00:11:05,378
I don't think that's a healthy
way to talk about women.
192
00:11:05,425 --> 00:11:08,353
And my theory is that
women have gotten stronger,
193
00:11:08,388 --> 00:11:10,165
and as they get more self-sufficient,
194
00:11:10,200 --> 00:11:12,759
you guys are getting more
aggressive towards us.
195
00:11:12,794 --> 00:11:15,401
'Cause 10-15 years ago, you guys
didn't talk that way about women.
196
00:11:15,439 --> 00:11:19,034
You guys would say, you know,
like, "I'm gonna tap that."
197
00:11:19,069 --> 00:11:20,425
Right? "I'm gonna hit that."
198
00:11:20,460 --> 00:11:23,392
Now it's like, "I'm gonna murder it."
199
00:11:23,427 --> 00:11:26,566
I feel like in 10 years,
it's gonna be so disgusting.
200
00:11:26,601 --> 00:11:28,654
Guys, you'll be like, "Hooked up
with this girl the other night.
201
00:11:28,709 --> 00:11:31,790
"Scalped the bitch, bro.
202
00:11:32,039 --> 00:11:34,637
"She's a full amputee now.
203
00:11:34,672 --> 00:11:37,624
"Motherfucking no legs.
204
00:11:37,659 --> 00:11:40,237
"Eats from a tube.
205
00:11:40,347 --> 00:11:43,381
"My dick.
206
00:11:43,454 --> 00:11:46,028
You know Helen Keller? My dick did that."
207
00:11:49,795 --> 00:11:51,661
It's too much.
208
00:11:51,696 --> 00:11:52,757
I don't think music is helping.
209
00:11:52,803 --> 00:11:55,101
Music has gotten so rude towards women.
210
00:11:55,148 --> 00:11:57,825
Have you guys heard the song "Fight Night."
211
00:11:57,890 --> 00:11:59,599
No black people here? That's embarrassing.
212
00:12:01,648 --> 00:12:04,498
Santa Monica. Hashtag Santa Monica.
213
00:12:04,533 --> 00:12:07,696
(laughter, applause)
214
00:12:07,731 --> 00:12:10,592
Are you applauding? Like,
some kind of white power rally?
215
00:12:10,627 --> 00:12:13,409
Don't applaud that!
216
00:12:13,444 --> 00:12:14,945
Oh, God.
217
00:12:16,617 --> 00:12:20,116
The song goes, "I'm
gonna knock that pussy out
218
00:12:20,151 --> 00:12:21,414
like it's fight night."
219
00:12:21,449 --> 00:12:22,727
That's a song.
220
00:12:22,762 --> 00:12:25,936
There's another song that says
"I'm gonna beat that pussy up."
221
00:12:25,971 --> 00:12:30,214
I'm like, I'm sorry, what did
our vaginas ever do to you?
222
00:12:30,249 --> 00:12:32,783
Besides give you life
223
00:12:32,818 --> 00:12:35,951
and make you feel amazing all the time?
224
00:12:35,986 --> 00:12:38,782
How 'bout instead of beating
it up and knocking it out,
225
00:12:38,817 --> 00:12:41,737
how 'bout maybe, I don't
know, giving it an orgasm?
226
00:12:41,772 --> 00:12:43,332
I don't know.
227
00:12:43,367 --> 00:12:44,867
(cheering, applause)
228
00:12:47,999 --> 00:12:50,998
I would like to hear that song.
229
00:12:51,033 --> 00:12:53,034
"I'm gonna make you climax, girl.
230
00:12:53,069 --> 00:12:55,349
I'm gonna make you trust me."
231
00:12:55,384 --> 00:12:56,582
I...
232
00:12:56,617 --> 00:12:58,443
(laughter)
233
00:12:58,478 --> 00:13:00,612
I would like to hear that song.
234
00:13:02,117 --> 00:13:03,565
I blame rappers.
235
00:13:03,653 --> 00:13:05,785
It's not just male rappers,
female rappers are just as bad.
236
00:13:05,829 --> 00:13:07,539
You guys know Nicki Minaj?
237
00:13:07,574 --> 00:13:09,207
Yeah, big Nicki Minaj fans?
238
00:13:09,292 --> 00:13:11,121
I used to love Nicki Minaj.
239
00:13:11,183 --> 00:13:13,303
But then I heard her talk,
240
00:13:13,338 --> 00:13:15,815
and it wasn't good.
241
00:13:15,850 --> 00:13:18,508
So, she sounded like such a hypocrite,
242
00:13:18,543 --> 00:13:20,906
and I think she's a bad role model
'cause she was up there, and she was like,
243
00:13:20,940 --> 00:13:24,502
"You know, men don't respect me in
the rap game because I'm a woman,
244
00:13:24,537 --> 00:13:26,096
and people don't respect
me 'cause I'm a woman."
245
00:13:26,131 --> 00:13:30,568
I was like, no, no, no. Uh, not at all.
246
00:13:30,669 --> 00:13:35,450
We don't respect you 'cause
we can see your asshole.
247
00:13:37,867 --> 00:13:40,790
Has nothing to do with the
fact that you're a woman, okay?
248
00:13:40,856 --> 00:13:43,832
We respected Mary J. Blige just fine.
249
00:13:43,867 --> 00:13:44,541
Here's my point.
250
00:13:44,576 --> 00:13:47,139
I think that women should be
able to be sexy and glamorous,
251
00:13:47,174 --> 00:13:48,618
and feminine and professional.
252
00:13:48,653 --> 00:13:50,185
You could be a myriad of things.
253
00:13:50,220 --> 00:13:52,271
But as you're getting
dressed for your album cover,
254
00:13:52,306 --> 00:13:57,839
you also have to acknowledge basic
human nature and neurology, okay?
255
00:13:57,874 --> 00:14:02,897
You have to acknowledge the fact that
men's brains are basically only designed
256
00:14:02,962 --> 00:14:06,014
to look for holes.
257
00:14:06,049 --> 00:14:08,423
It's pretty much all they're
doing at any given moment,
258
00:14:08,465 --> 00:14:11,818
just scanning for crevices.
259
00:14:11,853 --> 00:14:16,647
They're like gophers, just
looking for holes to get into.
260
00:14:16,682 --> 00:14:20,293
Counting, like, two, four...
eight, that's a golf course.
261
00:14:20,348 --> 00:14:22,358
Constantly adding them up.
262
00:14:24,163 --> 00:14:25,826
So, sometimes we have to help you guys out.
263
00:14:25,861 --> 00:14:27,954
You get very distracted by that, right?
264
00:14:27,989 --> 00:14:29,749
When I look at Nicki Minaj's ass,
265
00:14:29,784 --> 00:14:32,968
I think awful, terrible, shameful things.
266
00:14:33,003 --> 00:14:35,368
I'll be like, "Yeah, I bet if I hit
that from behind that shit would pop."
267
00:14:35,403 --> 00:14:37,259
I'm like, "Oh, my God!"
268
00:14:37,364 --> 00:14:40,213
So, I can't even imagine what
you guys are thinking, you know?
269
00:14:40,248 --> 00:14:41,332
And here's the thing, I'm a comedian.
270
00:14:41,367 --> 00:14:42,967
I want you guys to
listen to what I'm saying,
271
00:14:43,002 --> 00:14:44,891
I want you to think I'm
funny, I want you to focus.
272
00:14:44,926 --> 00:14:47,482
So, I'm not gonna do stand-up like this...
273
00:14:47,517 --> 00:14:49,934
(laughter)
274
00:14:51,825 --> 00:14:53,715
(cheering)
275
00:14:53,750 --> 00:14:56,248
This is not the most effective
way to do stand-up, right?
276
00:14:56,283 --> 00:14:58,990
I'm not gonna be like, "Hey, guys, did
you see that election coverage last night?
277
00:14:59,025 --> 00:15:01,538
"Yeah!" No.
278
00:15:01,573 --> 00:15:03,898
You can't focus because
if I'm standing like this,
279
00:15:03,933 --> 00:15:06,148
you're either looking at my ass,
280
00:15:06,183 --> 00:15:07,804
which you're not,
281
00:15:07,839 --> 00:15:10,457
which is very insulting.
282
00:15:10,492 --> 00:15:12,235
Is that your girlfriend?
283
00:15:12,290 --> 00:15:13,413
Right there?
284
00:15:13,476 --> 00:15:14,457
Yes?
285
00:15:14,492 --> 00:15:15,679
She... He goes,
286
00:15:15,768 --> 00:15:17,294
"Clearly."
287
00:15:19,529 --> 00:15:21,225
Why, because you're not
allowed to look at an ass
288
00:15:21,291 --> 00:15:22,422
that's two feet in front of your face?
289
00:15:22,457 --> 00:15:26,611
I like her. She runs a
tight ship. I respect that.
290
00:15:26,646 --> 00:15:29,693
He did not even look.
291
00:15:29,752 --> 00:15:31,931
So regardless, you're
either looking at my ass,
292
00:15:31,966 --> 00:15:35,493
or worrying about my knees, one of the two.
293
00:15:35,555 --> 00:15:37,108
So, that's not the best position,
294
00:15:37,155 --> 00:15:39,478
and I think that that's just
a hypocritical way to operate
295
00:15:39,513 --> 00:15:42,020
because guys can't have
their dicks out, you know?
296
00:15:42,082 --> 00:15:44,489
Like, male rappers can't
rap with their dicks out.
297
00:15:44,524 --> 00:15:47,327
If I saw a male rapper with his dick
out, I wouldn't be respecting him either,
298
00:15:47,399 --> 00:15:48,335
or listening to what he was saying.
299
00:15:48,370 --> 00:15:52,541
If I saw a male rapper with his dick
out, I would be calling the police,
300
00:15:52,602 --> 00:15:55,582
which is such a testament
to the nature of man.
301
00:15:55,656 --> 00:15:57,779
That when a woman is naked, you're
like, "Look at that beautiful woman,"
302
00:15:57,814 --> 00:16:01,887
and when a man is naked,
you're like, "There was a crime.
303
00:16:03,297 --> 00:16:06,272
Something horrible
happened over there, guys."
304
00:16:08,542 --> 00:16:11,225
It's an interesting time. We're
living in a fascinating time.
305
00:16:11,264 --> 00:16:13,832
We're living in a time
where women have money, okay?
306
00:16:13,867 --> 00:16:15,709
Which is... Do you realize
how new that is, right?
307
00:16:15,744 --> 00:16:17,644
That's like 30 years old, or something,
308
00:16:17,679 --> 00:16:19,481
and there's no blueprint
for how to operate,
309
00:16:19,516 --> 00:16:21,443
and I think it's really
messing up the power dynamic.
310
00:16:21,515 --> 00:16:24,395
Like, the fact that I can pay my own
bills, that's such a big deal for me.
311
00:16:24,486 --> 00:16:26,693
I thought that making money
was gonna solve all my problems,
312
00:16:26,784 --> 00:16:28,184
especially my relationship problems.
313
00:16:28,219 --> 00:16:31,392
'Cause when I was in my 20s, I
had to date guys that had money
314
00:16:31,427 --> 00:16:32,507
'cause I didn't have any.
315
00:16:32,542 --> 00:16:34,028
But now that I make my own money,
316
00:16:34,063 --> 00:16:39,756
I felt like it opened up this
whole new pool of broke guys
317
00:16:39,839 --> 00:16:41,432
that I couldn't date before,
318
00:16:41,492 --> 00:16:43,647
so I've been doing that.
319
00:16:43,682 --> 00:16:46,335
They're much nicer.
320
00:16:46,370 --> 00:16:49,372
And the last guy I dated,
I paid for everything.
321
00:16:49,407 --> 00:16:51,377
I paid for trips, I paid for dinners,
322
00:16:51,459 --> 00:16:54,230
and now that I've sort of been
the man in the relationship,
323
00:16:54,265 --> 00:16:55,729
now that I've been in your shoes,
324
00:16:55,764 --> 00:17:00,729
I now understand why you guys hate us.
325
00:17:00,911 --> 00:17:04,558
It's 'cause we owe you
so much fucking money.
326
00:17:05,886 --> 00:17:09,065
And something happens psychologically
327
00:17:09,116 --> 00:17:11,669
when you start to pay for someone
where you start to hate them.
328
00:17:11,704 --> 00:17:13,960
Start to hate everything
about them. You resent them.
329
00:17:13,995 --> 00:17:16,656
You start keeping score
of everything they do.
330
00:17:16,691 --> 00:17:19,441
One day he came home. He
was drinking a coconut water.
331
00:17:24,001 --> 00:17:28,420
It's like, "Coconut water? What are
you, the queen of fucking England?
332
00:17:28,501 --> 00:17:32,101
"How 'bout you drink out of the tap
like a goddamn man, how 'bout that?"
333
00:17:32,992 --> 00:17:35,421
And then they nag you. They always
need something from you, you know?
334
00:17:35,510 --> 00:17:38,475
He'd be like, "Do you wanna go to
dinner?" I'm like, "You just ate yesterday.
335
00:17:38,647 --> 00:17:42,053
Do you have a tapeworm?
What's the problem?"
336
00:17:43,992 --> 00:17:46,928
I feel like I now understand why you guys
are always so disappointed in us, too.
337
00:17:47,018 --> 00:17:49,173
'Cause something happens when
you start paying for someone
338
00:17:49,220 --> 00:17:52,343
where you start to get these high
expectations for their behavior.
339
00:17:52,378 --> 00:17:54,010
Like, as soon as I started paying for him,
340
00:17:54,045 --> 00:17:58,380
I started expecting him to
like, do chores out of nowhere.
341
00:17:58,461 --> 00:18:00,862
Like, one night we went to
dinner, I spent $200 on dinner,
342
00:18:00,901 --> 00:18:03,753
the next morning I woke up,
I was like, "This is weird,
343
00:18:03,788 --> 00:18:07,704
it's 8:00 a.m., and I don't smell eggs.
344
00:18:09,707 --> 00:18:12,314
Yeah, chop-chop, bitch. Mommy's hungry."
345
00:18:18,317 --> 00:18:19,392
It's tricky.
346
00:18:19,427 --> 00:18:22,407
I also started noticing all these,
like, unspoken rules that happen
347
00:18:22,489 --> 00:18:24,384
with the expectations based on who pays.
348
00:18:24,419 --> 00:18:26,826
Like, the expectation if
the man pays for the woman
349
00:18:26,908 --> 00:18:29,082
is that she's gonna
have sex with you, right?
350
00:18:29,117 --> 00:18:30,515
But when I was paying for the man,
351
00:18:30,550 --> 00:18:34,015
the expectation was I am
not gonna have sex with you,
352
00:18:34,124 --> 00:18:37,825
and we're gonna stay up all
night talking about my dreams.
353
00:18:39,122 --> 00:18:42,158
We're gonna read some
horoscopes tonight, bitch.
354
00:18:44,471 --> 00:18:47,993
And then I saw, like, all the
insidious institutionalized sexism.
355
00:18:48,051 --> 00:18:49,599
Like, every time we would go to dinner,
356
00:18:49,697 --> 00:18:52,371
the waiter would automatically
give him the check.
357
00:18:52,492 --> 00:18:54,383
And then he would fucking take it,
358
00:18:54,418 --> 00:18:56,635
and then when the waiter would
leave, he would slide it over to me.
359
00:18:56,717 --> 00:19:00,562
I was like, "Oh, hell no!"
360
00:19:00,936 --> 00:19:02,528
If you take the check, you're paying.
361
00:19:02,578 --> 00:19:05,759
You better find yourself
a Groupon real fast.
362
00:19:09,368 --> 00:19:12,320
I also get now why people
stay in relationships too long.
363
00:19:12,356 --> 00:19:15,163
Because money makes things stickier.
364
00:19:15,198 --> 00:19:17,659
Like, I feel like I stayed in that
relationship three months too long
365
00:19:17,694 --> 00:19:20,643
just 'cause I didn't want to
get a bad return on my money.
366
00:19:20,678 --> 00:19:24,123
Because dating is such
a terrible investment.
367
00:19:24,158 --> 00:19:26,846
Which made me think, like, I can't
believe we just run around spending money
368
00:19:26,881 --> 00:19:28,775
on relationships that we
don't know is gonna work out.
369
00:19:28,810 --> 00:19:30,372
It's a terrible investment.
370
00:19:30,407 --> 00:19:33,935
I feel like there should be some kind
of insurance in place to protect us.
371
00:19:33,976 --> 00:19:37,960
Like, I feel like dating should
be like checking into a hotel.
372
00:19:37,995 --> 00:19:40,294
Okay, you and I are gonna start dating.
373
00:19:40,367 --> 00:19:43,998
As soon as we start dating, you
have to put your credit card down.
374
00:19:44,127 --> 00:19:45,598
Three months later, if
you want to break up,
375
00:19:45,633 --> 00:19:48,418
I'll be like, "All right,
well, let's look at your bill.
376
00:19:49,867 --> 00:19:54,824
Yeah, you owe me $3,200 or
you can't fucking leave."
377
00:19:56,101 --> 00:19:59,926
And now that I've spent my hard-earned
money on someone that I never see,
378
00:19:59,961 --> 00:20:02,698
I can't stand that it's just assumed
that you guys pay for everything.
379
00:20:02,733 --> 00:20:05,073
I think that is so messed up.
I'm on your guys' side about this.
380
00:20:05,108 --> 00:20:09,080
I think it's insane that it's just socially
constructed that you pay for everything.
381
00:20:09,115 --> 00:20:09,774
I think that's nuts.
382
00:20:09,809 --> 00:20:12,472
I actually think if you guys
take a girl to dinner three times
383
00:20:12,507 --> 00:20:14,360
and you pay, and then you
never hear from her again,
384
00:20:14,395 --> 00:20:16,478
I think you should be
able to call the police.
385
00:20:18,700 --> 00:20:20,450
That's some bullshit.
386
00:20:23,033 --> 00:20:26,259
I am very ashamed of how the
relationship ended, though.
387
00:20:26,294 --> 00:20:29,201
I'm embarrassed about it, but I
think it's important to talk about.
388
00:20:29,236 --> 00:20:30,930
I think I just lost respect for him
389
00:20:30,965 --> 00:20:33,577
because he wasn't contributing
in any way financially.
390
00:20:33,612 --> 00:20:36,045
Which is messed up because I feel like
women don't contribute to relationships
391
00:20:36,119 --> 00:20:37,944
all the time, and that's okay.
392
00:20:38,023 --> 00:20:40,376
But I think the problem is human nature.
393
00:20:40,426 --> 00:20:43,664
I think for evolutionary
purposes, we are hardwired
394
00:20:43,699 --> 00:20:47,146
to stop being sexually attracted to
men when they show any kind of weakness.
395
00:20:47,181 --> 00:20:50,944
And I know this is true 'cause
one time I was dating this guy,
396
00:20:50,979 --> 00:20:53,707
I was madly in love with him. Like, I
thought that we were gonna get married.
397
00:20:53,786 --> 00:20:55,380
We're walking down the street,
398
00:20:55,415 --> 00:20:58,709
and he tripped and fell.
399
00:21:02,780 --> 00:21:05,814
And I instantly fell out of love with him.
400
00:21:05,879 --> 00:21:10,348
I just... Like, I couldn't... Like,
I was embarrassed to even be near him.
401
00:21:10,383 --> 00:21:13,693
Like, I was disgusted by him.
402
00:21:13,728 --> 00:21:15,269
I think my primal brain was like,
403
00:21:15,304 --> 00:21:18,075
"No, he is not a provider.
404
00:21:18,169 --> 00:21:20,407
"He cannot protect you.
405
00:21:20,442 --> 00:21:23,126
"He's a danger to you and the whole tribe.
406
00:21:23,161 --> 00:21:25,746
The whole species is in trouble."
407
00:21:27,708 --> 00:21:29,391
It's cold-blooded, man.
408
00:21:29,426 --> 00:21:31,248
Cold-blooded.
409
00:21:31,561 --> 00:21:34,257
I love that women have
money now. It's so cool.
410
00:21:34,292 --> 00:21:36,262
But I feel like there's still
this residual stereotype.
411
00:21:36,297 --> 00:21:39,709
Even though women have money, there's this
stereotype that all women are gold-diggers.
412
00:21:39,744 --> 00:21:42,058
You know, like all my
guy friends truly believe
413
00:21:42,093 --> 00:21:44,969
that women want to have sex with
them, get pregnant with their baby,
414
00:21:45,004 --> 00:21:47,303
and just take everything
for all they're worth.
415
00:21:47,383 --> 00:21:51,181
Take them for all their... shorts.
416
00:21:51,231 --> 00:21:54,365
I don't want your shorts.
Okay? I'm not interested.
417
00:21:54,400 --> 00:21:56,819
I know that this is true,
'cause last year I dated a guy
418
00:21:56,901 --> 00:21:59,574
who treated me like I was a gold-digger.
419
00:21:59,613 --> 00:22:02,566
Backstory: First of all,
he did not have a job.
420
00:22:02,628 --> 00:22:03,645
That's important.
421
00:22:03,680 --> 00:22:05,572
The second is kind of graphic,
422
00:22:05,645 --> 00:22:08,332
which is that something
happened to me when I turned 30
423
00:22:08,367 --> 00:22:10,856
where I just could not use condoms anymore.
424
00:22:10,891 --> 00:22:12,179
- I'd...
- (cheering)
425
00:22:12,214 --> 00:22:16,214
Oh, okay. Well, that's really aggressive.
426
00:22:19,049 --> 00:22:21,273
Just... troubling.
427
00:22:21,308 --> 00:22:25,082
No, I think it's actually
because I got health insurance.
428
00:22:25,117 --> 00:22:28,110
Something happens when you get health
insurance. It's very liberating.
429
00:22:28,199 --> 00:22:30,776
I was like, "This is
Obamacare's problem now.
430
00:22:30,847 --> 00:22:32,552
It's not my problem."
431
00:22:34,140 --> 00:22:36,806
So, I said to him, I was like,
"Hey, I don't have anything,
432
00:22:36,841 --> 00:22:39,448
so if you don't have anything,
let's just not use condoms."
433
00:22:39,483 --> 00:22:41,465
And he's like, "Yeah, but I feel like
we should still use condoms, you know,
434
00:22:41,523 --> 00:22:42,818
like, so you don't get pregnant."
435
00:22:42,853 --> 00:22:45,536
I was like, "Oh, no. We're
good. I'm on the pill."
436
00:22:45,641 --> 00:22:47,315
He was like, "Yeah, but the pill,
437
00:22:47,367 --> 00:22:49,575
it's only 98% effective."
438
00:22:50,721 --> 00:22:52,248
I was like, "I'm sorry.
439
00:22:52,881 --> 00:22:58,374
"Do you think that I want
your broke-ass fucking baby?
440
00:22:59,647 --> 00:23:03,616
"You think I'm scamming
to get your shitty kid?
441
00:23:03,655 --> 00:23:05,519
"So I can take you for all you're worth?
442
00:23:05,554 --> 00:23:08,310
"What am I gonna take,
your fucking roommates?
443
00:23:09,371 --> 00:23:14,079
"The five grown-ass men you
live with in a studio apartment?
444
00:23:15,658 --> 00:23:19,154
"I'm not a gold-digger. I'm
the one with the gold, dummy.
445
00:23:19,217 --> 00:23:21,589
"Okay, trust me, if I got
pregnant with your child,
446
00:23:21,651 --> 00:23:26,289
"my lawyer would come over, and they
would... terminate that shit himself, okay?
447
00:23:26,370 --> 00:23:28,582
We're good. We're fine."
448
00:23:29,783 --> 00:23:31,571
Ridiculous.
449
00:23:33,011 --> 00:23:35,665
I don't want a white baby. What
am I gonna do with a white baby?
450
00:23:35,700 --> 00:23:38,707
That's embarrassing.
451
00:23:38,937 --> 00:23:41,895
I'd like to think I'm a little
more successful than that.
452
00:23:47,920 --> 00:23:50,235
Brings me to a topic I'm
very passionate about,
453
00:23:50,270 --> 00:23:52,681
which is birth control options
that are available to women.
454
00:23:52,716 --> 00:23:56,799
I can't believe that we don't have
better options for birth control.
455
00:23:56,834 --> 00:23:59,040
They all drive me crazy. What are you on?
456
00:23:59,190 --> 00:24:01,484
- What are you taking?
- It's an IUD.
457
00:24:01,536 --> 00:24:04,036
You have an IUD. Come up
here, we're gonna take it out.
458
00:24:06,033 --> 00:24:07,442
I hate this product.
459
00:24:07,513 --> 00:24:09,730
Is yours plastic or metal?
460
00:24:09,817 --> 00:24:11,043
- Plastic.
- Yours is plastic.
461
00:24:11,101 --> 00:24:16,108
Okay, well, she's got a McDonalds
toy in her body right now.
462
00:24:16,447 --> 00:24:18,352
Most of them are metal, some are plastic.
463
00:24:18,387 --> 00:24:21,248
Most of them are a little piece of
metal they put inside your uterus.
464
00:24:21,305 --> 00:24:24,062
I'm like, I don't want
metal inside my body.
465
00:24:24,097 --> 00:24:27,771
I don't wanna be going
through airport security
466
00:24:27,867 --> 00:24:29,998
and having the guys behind
the x-ray machine like,
467
00:24:30,033 --> 00:24:32,842
"Oh, look at this slut coming through.
468
00:24:33,740 --> 00:24:37,222
"This bitch had to put
a tin can up in there
469
00:24:37,721 --> 00:24:41,180
to stop all that sperm."
470
00:24:41,451 --> 00:24:43,372
No, I don't want metal in my body.
471
00:24:43,454 --> 00:24:45,506
What if there's a storm?
472
00:24:48,429 --> 00:24:51,387
"Guys, I can't make it
tonight, it's raining."
473
00:24:52,739 --> 00:24:53,799
I hate this product.
474
00:24:53,864 --> 00:24:56,625
Mostly because, like, they would
never develop that product for men.
475
00:24:56,687 --> 00:24:58,794
That would never be a
product on the market for men.
476
00:24:58,891 --> 00:25:00,440
Right? You and I would never be dating,
477
00:25:00,483 --> 00:25:02,156
and you'd be like, "Babe, what
should we do for birth control?"
478
00:25:02,191 --> 00:25:05,360
I'd be like, "I have an idea.
479
00:25:05,395 --> 00:25:12,159
"How about we take a metal rod
and put it up your dick hole,
480
00:25:12,194 --> 00:25:15,832
"and leave it there for about five years,
481
00:25:15,867 --> 00:25:19,742
or until it gets infected.
Is that a good idea?"
482
00:25:21,384 --> 00:25:23,047
I hate this product.
483
00:25:23,082 --> 00:25:24,680
And it has like, three
pages of side effects.
484
00:25:24,746 --> 00:25:27,968
I can't believe that they release a
product with three pages of side effects.
485
00:25:28,003 --> 00:25:30,332
I'm like, "Go back, it's not ready."
486
00:25:30,394 --> 00:25:32,623
I looked at the side effects for the IUD.
487
00:25:32,658 --> 00:25:36,742
It was like migraines,
abdominal pain, and depression.
488
00:25:36,777 --> 00:25:39,694
I was like, "I might as
well have a fucking kid."
489
00:25:45,533 --> 00:25:47,369
What about you? What are you up to?
490
00:25:48,141 --> 00:25:48,867
Pill.
491
00:25:48,902 --> 00:25:50,755
The pill. Do you know which one?
492
00:25:50,790 --> 00:25:52,165
No?
493
00:25:52,247 --> 00:25:53,434
This fucking generation, man.
494
00:25:53,469 --> 00:25:56,125
They don't even... They'll just
put anything in their mouths.
495
00:25:56,160 --> 00:25:59,252
They don't even care.
Like, "Oh, poison? Fine."
496
00:25:59,300 --> 00:26:01,488
You don't even... Do you know
what color the box is, at least?
497
00:26:01,523 --> 00:26:02,847
- It's pink.
- It's pink.
498
00:26:02,882 --> 00:26:05,582
Motherfuckers.
499
00:26:05,674 --> 00:26:07,205
I hate that. That drives me nuts.
500
00:26:07,242 --> 00:26:10,015
Like, that is so... Everything
about the pill is insulting to me.
501
00:26:10,050 --> 00:26:12,734
The fact they make the
box pink. The pill is pink,
502
00:26:12,769 --> 00:26:15,385
as if all women just like, love pink.
503
00:26:15,420 --> 00:26:17,593
And if the pill being pink
504
00:26:17,628 --> 00:26:20,382
affects your decision of whether
you're gonna take it or not,
505
00:26:20,417 --> 00:26:25,952
that means you're 10 years old and you're
too young to be on birth control anyway, okay?
506
00:26:25,987 --> 00:26:29,290
Second of all, if you want me to remember to
take my pill every day, don't make it pink.
507
00:26:29,325 --> 00:26:32,494
Make it in the shape of tiny crying babies.
508
00:26:39,798 --> 00:26:41,033
I can't stand the pill.
509
00:26:41,068 --> 00:26:43,748
I actually just read this
article about how the pill works.
510
00:26:43,783 --> 00:26:47,665
Basically, the way the pill works is it
tricks your body into thinking you're pregnant.
511
00:26:47,700 --> 00:26:51,308
Your brain starts producing the
same neurochemicals and hormones
512
00:26:51,343 --> 00:26:53,404
as if your body is pregnant, you know this.
513
00:26:53,439 --> 00:26:55,722
You watch Oprah. Good girl.
514
00:26:55,757 --> 00:26:58,584
And then you start being
attracted to more alpha males.
515
00:26:58,619 --> 00:27:00,667
Their pheromones start smelling stronger,
516
00:27:00,731 --> 00:27:02,248
and you're attracted to alpha males,
517
00:27:02,283 --> 00:27:04,729
the kind of man that could
protect your future offspring.
518
00:27:04,764 --> 00:27:06,425
The problem is that in modern times
519
00:27:06,460 --> 00:27:09,927
alpha males are signified
by tattoos and motorcycles,
520
00:27:10,032 --> 00:27:14,790
which explains why I've been dating
such assholes since I'm 15 years old.
521
00:27:14,825 --> 00:27:17,244
The way that it works is that
I meet a nice, sensitive guy
522
00:27:17,333 --> 00:27:18,923
I want to share my future with.
523
00:27:18,992 --> 00:27:20,850
I start taking birth control to plan it,
524
00:27:20,885 --> 00:27:24,540
and then all of a sudden, I only can
have an orgasm if I smell Axe body spray.
525
00:27:24,575 --> 00:27:27,629
That's not fair.
526
00:27:27,783 --> 00:27:32,708
And it's an example of how biology has
not yet caught up with modern technology.
527
00:27:32,786 --> 00:27:35,817
It's the 21st century, I don't
need an alpha male to protect me.
528
00:27:35,876 --> 00:27:37,712
We have street lights, okay?
529
00:27:37,765 --> 00:27:40,315
We have alarm systems. I
don't need an alpha male.
530
00:27:40,369 --> 00:27:45,040
I need a guy with fast Wi-Fi, so I can
google "Can I take Xanax while pregnant?"
531
00:27:45,141 --> 00:27:47,364
That's my baby's father.
532
00:27:48,783 --> 00:27:51,968
Okay? I don't need a big,
strong man to fight off a tiger.
533
00:27:52,026 --> 00:27:55,704
I need a geek who can get my
naked photos off the cloud.
534
00:27:59,937 --> 00:28:01,472
I hate the pill.
535
00:28:01,507 --> 00:28:04,058
Everything about the packaging
of the pill is so insulting.
536
00:28:04,093 --> 00:28:08,481
Like, even the fact that it's the only
medication that comes with a calendar.
537
00:28:08,516 --> 00:28:12,123
Like we're too stupid to remember
to take our pill every day.
538
00:28:12,158 --> 00:28:15,340
The guys that developed it are like, "They
can't handle taking their pill every day,
539
00:28:15,375 --> 00:28:19,305
"so let's make it look
like a tiny advent calendar,
540
00:28:19,344 --> 00:28:21,607
"and we'll trick them into
taking it. They'll be like,
541
00:28:21,642 --> 00:28:25,802
"'Ooh, chocolate? Gobble, gobble, gobble.'"
542
00:28:28,162 --> 00:28:30,193
I feel like the calendar's
actually for you guys.
543
00:28:30,228 --> 00:28:33,502
'Cause I know you guys like, go and
look at our pill at 2:00 in the morning,
544
00:28:33,576 --> 00:28:36,503
and you're like, "Oh,
Wednesday's empty, thank God."
545
00:28:38,306 --> 00:28:42,290
They put so much effort into trying to
make sure we don't forget to take our pill.
546
00:28:42,345 --> 00:28:44,040
Like, they make a patch.
547
00:28:44,106 --> 00:28:45,368
Have you heard of the birth control patch?
548
00:28:45,409 --> 00:28:47,791
It's like a sticker
you put on your shoulder
549
00:28:47,826 --> 00:28:50,206
that administers the medication for you.
550
00:28:50,241 --> 00:28:52,184
It's like, can you imagine
getting a girl naked
551
00:28:52,219 --> 00:28:55,910
and seeing a giant patch?
552
00:28:55,945 --> 00:28:59,487
Like, "Ooh, she's slutty
and she has a bad memory.
553
00:29:01,033 --> 00:29:04,655
That's wifey material.
Put a ring on that shit."
554
00:29:08,387 --> 00:29:11,401
So, I told my doctor I didn't want
to use birth control pills anymore,
555
00:29:11,436 --> 00:29:14,039
and she was like, "Oh, well, you
should use the morning after pill.
556
00:29:14,074 --> 00:29:16,479
You know, the plan B pill is
now available over-the-counter."
557
00:29:16,514 --> 00:29:19,229
I'm just like, "How lazy can you be?"
558
00:29:19,414 --> 00:29:22,129
The guy's like, "Do you have
a condom?" I'm like, "Ugh.
559
00:29:22,164 --> 00:29:24,747
Let's just deal with it in the morning."
560
00:29:29,242 --> 00:29:31,376
Which, by the way, we're not
gonna deal with it in the morning.
561
00:29:31,439 --> 00:29:32,780
I'm the one that has to deal with it.
562
00:29:32,843 --> 00:29:35,868
I'm the one who has to wake up
at 6:00 a.m. and go stand in line.
563
00:29:35,903 --> 00:29:40,082
And you realize the
morning after pill is $49?
564
00:29:40,117 --> 00:29:42,915
I have never had sex with a guy
and the next morning been like,
565
00:29:42,981 --> 00:29:45,939
"Yeah, that was worth 50 bucks."
566
00:29:50,750 --> 00:29:54,415
And it's not just 50 bucks 'cause you
can't just buy a morning after pill alone
567
00:29:54,450 --> 00:29:57,207
or the cashier's gonna think you're a slut.
568
00:29:57,324 --> 00:30:03,165
So, you gotta buy a bunch of other
products to put on top of it to hide it.
569
00:30:03,200 --> 00:30:05,597
You know? You gotta crowd it
with like, Q-tips and floss,
570
00:30:05,632 --> 00:30:08,340
and a bunch of other shit
you're never gonna use.
571
00:30:11,263 --> 00:30:12,806
What else is there? Am I missing anything?
572
00:30:12,841 --> 00:30:14,832
NuvaRing? That's not
still happening, is it?
573
00:30:14,913 --> 00:30:17,135
NuvaRing? What are you doing?
574
00:30:17,170 --> 00:30:18,957
The pill. What kind? Do you know?
575
00:30:19,081 --> 00:30:20,790
You're on Ortho Tri-Cyclen?
576
00:30:20,825 --> 00:30:25,071
That's some '90s shit. I
was taking that in the '90s!
577
00:30:25,106 --> 00:30:27,752
Bitch, you are loyal. I like that.
578
00:30:30,167 --> 00:30:32,004
Are you still on AOL?
579
00:30:34,803 --> 00:30:39,011
Jamming out with a Walkman, she's
like, "Unh!" with her CD, "Mmm."
580
00:30:44,035 --> 00:30:46,082
- NuvaRing. No NuvaRing?
- Woman: Yes!
581
00:30:46,117 --> 00:30:48,617
Yes, okay. Let's... Do
you have it in right now?
582
00:30:50,033 --> 00:30:51,105
- Yes?
- Yes!
583
00:30:51,140 --> 00:30:54,858
Yeah, okay. Good to know. I just
wanted to get a visual, thank you.
584
00:30:54,948 --> 00:30:57,267
I gotta have some fun up here, too, guys.
585
00:30:57,302 --> 00:30:59,727
I just... To me, the
NuvaRing, that is just proof
586
00:30:59,762 --> 00:31:02,227
that doctors get stoned out of their minds
587
00:31:02,262 --> 00:31:05,415
and just start brainstorming
ideas for women's birth control.
588
00:31:05,450 --> 00:31:07,819
They're like, "Oh my God,
oh my God, I have an idea.
589
00:31:07,854 --> 00:31:11,248
"What if we took a piece of tupperware
590
00:31:11,354 --> 00:31:14,582
"and made it in the shape of our dicks
591
00:31:14,617 --> 00:31:17,670
"so when we're having sex we can,
like, play basketball with our dicks?"
592
00:31:17,705 --> 00:31:21,044
They'll be like, "Yeah, two
points! Two points! Two points!"
593
00:31:21,079 --> 00:31:23,825
The only logical explanation for that.
594
00:31:27,998 --> 00:31:29,521
I know a lot about birth control right now
595
00:31:29,603 --> 00:31:32,535
because I recently had to
do something kind of cool.
596
00:31:32,570 --> 00:31:35,422
I have an announcement to make.
Do you guys want to hear it?
597
00:31:35,457 --> 00:31:36,968
Audience: Yeah!
598
00:31:37,003 --> 00:31:39,926
Last month I froze my eggs.
599
00:31:40,033 --> 00:31:42,313
(cheers)
600
00:31:42,348 --> 00:31:44,141
I always love this reaction from people.
601
00:31:44,192 --> 00:31:47,599
'Cause the women always
clap and the guys just panic.
602
00:31:47,777 --> 00:31:50,890
Like, they just... They think
they're in trouble or something.
603
00:31:50,925 --> 00:31:53,803
Which is so weird to me because I thought
guys would love that I froze my eggs.
604
00:31:53,842 --> 00:31:55,822
I thought I would be,
like, the sexy, awesome girl
605
00:31:55,857 --> 00:31:57,387
who doesn't want to get pregnant right now.
606
00:31:57,422 --> 00:31:59,214
But no, it's not hot.
607
00:31:59,249 --> 00:32:01,292
It's not an aphrodisiac.
Guys aren't into it.
608
00:32:01,353 --> 00:32:03,414
You can't be hooking up with a guy and
he's like, "Hey, do you have a condom?"
609
00:32:03,448 --> 00:32:08,302
I'm like, "Don't worry, boo, my
shit's on ice down by the airport."
610
00:32:11,850 --> 00:32:12,943
Guy's aren't into it.
611
00:32:12,986 --> 00:32:14,815
Maybe it's 'cause you guys don't
know what it is? That's what I think.
612
00:32:14,850 --> 00:32:16,415
Do you know what it is?
613
00:32:16,450 --> 00:32:17,748
No idea.
614
00:32:17,890 --> 00:32:21,703
Just based on the words egg freezing?
615
00:32:22,953 --> 00:32:25,827
Just freeze 'em? Just freeze 'em?
616
00:32:25,862 --> 00:32:29,138
Just... That's... What's that move?
617
00:32:29,173 --> 00:32:30,985
Just freeze 'em.
618
00:32:31,040 --> 00:32:32,845
You mean, like...
They're not in my freezer.
619
00:32:32,880 --> 00:32:36,293
It's not like a freezer drawer.
620
00:32:36,356 --> 00:32:39,503
Just put 'em in the fridge.
621
00:32:39,579 --> 00:32:41,712
Just... You know what this guy is?
622
00:32:41,747 --> 00:32:43,447
Just based on your response to that,
623
00:32:43,482 --> 00:32:46,601
you seem like you're, like,
"literal guy," you know?
624
00:32:46,636 --> 00:32:48,128
Like, everyone's dated literal guy.
625
00:32:48,187 --> 00:32:51,861
The guy who in an argument
just sticks to the facts.
626
00:32:51,992 --> 00:32:54,913
You're the guy who's like, "No,
I didn't say you were a bitch,
627
00:32:54,948 --> 00:32:57,718
I said you were being a bitch."
628
00:33:00,147 --> 00:33:03,237
And then you're like, "Shit,
I gotta regroup. Hold on."
629
00:33:03,489 --> 00:33:05,415
What about you? Do you know
what it is, egg freezing?
630
00:33:05,520 --> 00:33:07,932
Yes, you do? What?
631
00:33:07,967 --> 00:33:09,109
Cryopreserve your eggs.
632
00:33:09,144 --> 00:33:11,877
Whoa, good! You cryopreserve your eggs.
633
00:33:11,912 --> 00:33:16,131
That was good. You've been
watching some weird porn, obviously.
634
00:33:16,166 --> 00:33:19,524
Yeah, so basically, I just realized
that most guys don't know what it is.
635
00:33:19,559 --> 00:33:22,123
I found this out because
the week that I froze them,
636
00:33:22,158 --> 00:33:24,040
I had to be on bed rest for a couple days,
637
00:33:24,075 --> 00:33:25,154
and I had to cancel a gig.
638
00:33:25,189 --> 00:33:28,018
So, I told my agent can you tell
the manager I need to reschedule it.
639
00:33:28,062 --> 00:33:30,592
I go to the reschedule date,
the manager runs up to me,
640
00:33:30,666 --> 00:33:35,979
he's like, "Are you okay? I
heard your ovaries were removed!"
641
00:33:36,014 --> 00:33:38,582
I was like, "Okay, let's
just talk about this."
642
00:33:38,617 --> 00:33:39,945
So, essentially, you freeze your eggs
643
00:33:39,980 --> 00:33:42,449
if you want to get pregnant at
some point, but just not right now.
644
00:33:42,484 --> 00:33:44,781
Like, I'm not ready. I would
like to have a kid at some point,
645
00:33:44,848 --> 00:33:46,771
but I'm not responsible enough yet.
646
00:33:46,853 --> 00:33:49,574
I still leave coffee on the
top of my car like twice a day.
647
00:33:49,609 --> 00:33:53,248
I should not be a mother right now.
648
00:33:53,283 --> 00:33:55,791
And biology is again completely backwards.
649
00:33:55,826 --> 00:34:00,074
Like, it's ridiculous to me that a
15-year-old girl can get pregnant easily,
650
00:34:00,109 --> 00:34:02,191
but a 45-year-old
woman can't.
651
00:34:02,226 --> 00:34:05,233
Like, I have never met a
15-year-old girl and been like,
652
00:34:05,268 --> 00:34:08,025
"You would make a great mom.
653
00:34:08,242 --> 00:34:10,045
"Love your Instagram selfies.
654
00:34:10,117 --> 00:34:14,665
I think you're ready to be
responsible for a human life."
655
00:34:14,700 --> 00:34:17,940
No. And all my girlfriends in
their 40s are fucking awesome.
656
00:34:17,975 --> 00:34:19,790
They're all like superheroes,
they can do anything.
657
00:34:19,825 --> 00:34:21,457
I have a girlfriend the
other day had a splinter,
658
00:34:21,492 --> 00:34:23,498
she ripped it out with her teeth...
659
00:34:23,533 --> 00:34:25,748
like it was nothing.
660
00:34:25,874 --> 00:34:29,540
I have a girlfriend, she's 45,
she can return things at a store
661
00:34:29,575 --> 00:34:31,489
without a receipt.
662
00:34:35,093 --> 00:34:38,474
That's like some Jason
Bourne shit right there.
663
00:34:40,955 --> 00:34:42,116
I'm really glad that I did it.
664
00:34:42,151 --> 00:34:45,367
I feel like it took off all this
pressure that I had on me, you know?
665
00:34:45,451 --> 00:34:46,938
Like, I realized before I froze my eggs,
666
00:34:46,973 --> 00:34:49,290
there was just this
constant inner monologue
667
00:34:49,325 --> 00:34:50,781
that was like, "Is this the
guy you're gonna be with?
668
00:34:50,862 --> 00:34:52,545
If not, you have to
move on to someone else."
669
00:34:52,580 --> 00:34:55,357
And I felt like I had to
accomplish all my professional goals
670
00:34:55,392 --> 00:34:56,820
by the time I was, like, 35.
671
00:34:56,855 --> 00:34:58,904
And it was just in the back
of my mind all the time.
672
00:34:58,939 --> 00:35:01,433
Like, I'd be in traffic, and
I'd be like, "You guys, let's go!
673
00:35:01,468 --> 00:35:03,460
"I'm rotting from the inside!
674
00:35:03,528 --> 00:35:05,642
"We gotta move, okay?
675
00:35:05,677 --> 00:35:09,664
Uterus is molding, let's move!"
676
00:35:12,602 --> 00:35:14,747
I feel like you guys will
never understand that pressure
677
00:35:14,782 --> 00:35:16,637
because you guys don't have that clock.
678
00:35:16,672 --> 00:35:18,290
Guys can have kids as late as they want.
679
00:35:18,325 --> 00:35:20,788
Clint Eastwood had a kid
at like, 70 years old.
680
00:35:20,823 --> 00:35:22,712
Robert De Niro had one at like, 68,
681
00:35:22,747 --> 00:35:24,474
which is so weird to me.
682
00:35:24,509 --> 00:35:26,993
The idea of having a kid at 68 years old.
683
00:35:27,028 --> 00:35:31,491
That's like being like, "I really want
a kid, but only for, like, 10 years.
684
00:35:33,699 --> 00:35:36,781
"And I want to be deaf
for most of it. That's..."
685
00:35:40,226 --> 00:35:42,166
I'm so glad I did it. It
took all this pressure off.
686
00:35:42,203 --> 00:35:45,552
Like, I used to be this stress
case, now I'm just chilling, man.
687
00:35:45,658 --> 00:35:46,497
So easy.
688
00:35:46,563 --> 00:35:48,596
Like, my agent calls me up,
he's like, "Where's that script?"
689
00:35:48,631 --> 00:35:51,924
I'm like, "I don't know, I'm high as fuck.
690
00:35:53,533 --> 00:35:57,043
"Call Sarah Silverman or some shit, man.
691
00:35:57,078 --> 00:36:01,165
'Cause I'm watching 'Game
of Thrones' again today."
692
00:36:01,200 --> 00:36:03,075
Hey, camera.
693
00:36:06,742 --> 00:36:08,117
I... Thank you.
694
00:36:10,658 --> 00:36:12,075
You freeze your eggs
for a couple of reasons.
695
00:36:12,126 --> 00:36:13,867
If you want to postpone having kids,
696
00:36:13,902 --> 00:36:15,822
also if you want to get
a surrogate at some point,
697
00:36:15,911 --> 00:36:18,074
which I'm kind of obsessed with
the idea of getting a surrogate.
698
00:36:18,109 --> 00:36:20,274
It's like you hire a woman
to carry your kid for you,
699
00:36:20,333 --> 00:36:22,209
which I really want to do at some point.
700
00:36:22,244 --> 00:36:23,956
But I feel kind of guilty about that idea
701
00:36:23,991 --> 00:36:25,330
because when you get a surrogate,
702
00:36:25,427 --> 00:36:29,673
you're essentially, like, asking another
woman to do your dirty work for you.
703
00:36:29,787 --> 00:36:31,415
It's like, worse than
a guy getting a hooker.
704
00:36:31,450 --> 00:36:34,338
'Cause when you get a hooker, you guys
just want to use a woman's body for an hour.
705
00:36:34,397 --> 00:36:36,716
I want to use it for nine months,
706
00:36:36,751 --> 00:36:37,835
and totally wreck it.
707
00:36:37,870 --> 00:36:41,241
I'm literally gonna destroy that shit.
708
00:36:46,997 --> 00:36:48,746
Not nice.
709
00:36:48,835 --> 00:36:53,175
I just feel like I would like my kid
so much more if I didn't carry my kid.
710
00:36:54,950 --> 00:36:57,165
Does that make sense?
711
00:36:57,200 --> 00:36:59,883
Like, I totally support
those toddler and tiara moms.
712
00:36:59,918 --> 00:37:01,214
I think those kids should work.
713
00:37:01,249 --> 00:37:03,882
I think they should have to tap
dance to pay for all the damage
714
00:37:03,931 --> 00:37:06,230
they did to those poor women.
715
00:37:07,341 --> 00:37:09,696
Although I feel like if you
have a surrogate have your kid
716
00:37:09,731 --> 00:37:11,731
you can't control the
kid as well. You know?
717
00:37:11,766 --> 00:37:14,268
Like, the way my mom used
to guilt me into doing things
718
00:37:14,303 --> 00:37:17,730
was she'd be like, "I
carried you for nine months."
719
00:37:17,765 --> 00:37:19,426
I'd be like, "Oh...
720
00:37:19,461 --> 00:37:21,586
That's a good point."
721
00:37:21,621 --> 00:37:23,377
But if, like, I had a
surrogate, what am I gonna say?
722
00:37:23,412 --> 00:37:28,794
I'm gonna be like, "I had to
drive 10 minutes to pick you up.
723
00:37:28,829 --> 00:37:31,079
Traffic was a nightmare."
724
00:37:34,260 --> 00:37:36,998
Yeah, it's not as good.
725
00:37:37,123 --> 00:37:40,633
When you freeze your eggs, the doctor
asks you if you want to get a donor,
726
00:37:40,687 --> 00:37:41,677
like a sperm donor.
727
00:37:41,712 --> 00:37:43,816
Because if you want to
freeze embryos, you know?
728
00:37:43,872 --> 00:37:47,781
Like, basically it's if you freeze an
embryo, that means a sperm fertilizes the egg,
729
00:37:47,843 --> 00:37:53,255
and I was like, "I don't have any sperm
available in my house at the moment."
730
00:37:53,290 --> 00:37:56,247
So, he's like, "Maybe you should get a
donor." And I wasn't really ready for that,
731
00:37:56,282 --> 00:37:59,893
but I got super obsessed with the kind
of person who would become a sperm donor.
732
00:37:59,975 --> 00:38:02,233
So, I went online and I
was, like, on the donor site.
733
00:38:02,268 --> 00:38:05,108
You'd think that sperm donors
were complete losers. Not true.
734
00:38:05,143 --> 00:38:08,858
In order to be a sperm donor,
you have to be at least 5'8."
735
00:38:08,994 --> 00:38:14,450
I was like, I'm sorry, what
shallow bitch was 45 years old,
736
00:38:14,532 --> 00:38:16,343
not married, no options,
737
00:38:16,378 --> 00:38:17,827
goes into the sperm bank, is like,
738
00:38:17,862 --> 00:38:20,207
"Oh, 5'7"? Never mind.
739
00:38:20,281 --> 00:38:25,252
"I'm gonna get on Farmers
Only and take my chances.
740
00:38:25,306 --> 00:38:27,848
Fuck that weirdo midget."
741
00:38:31,036 --> 00:38:32,707
And in order to be a sperm donor,
742
00:38:32,742 --> 00:38:35,619
you have to have at least
four years of college.
743
00:38:35,654 --> 00:38:38,448
I was like, I don't want my sperm
donor to have four years of college.
744
00:38:38,484 --> 00:38:40,408
'Cause if you have four years of college
745
00:38:40,443 --> 00:38:43,832
and you're jerking off into a cup for $100,
746
00:38:43,867 --> 00:38:46,748
you're a drug addict.
747
00:38:46,783 --> 00:38:49,019
And if you don't have four years of college
748
00:38:49,054 --> 00:38:51,435
and you're jerking off into a cup for $100,
749
00:38:51,470 --> 00:38:55,444
you're an entrepreneur
and I like your hustle.
750
00:38:55,499 --> 00:38:58,498
You can be my baby daddy any day.
751
00:38:58,753 --> 00:39:01,033
- Man: I will!
- You will?
752
00:39:01,068 --> 00:39:02,132
I'm good.
753
00:39:05,314 --> 00:39:06,689
Pass.
754
00:39:09,611 --> 00:39:11,193
Got me into some trouble.
755
00:39:11,231 --> 00:39:12,066
I got cheated on.
756
00:39:12,101 --> 00:39:14,232
Has anyone been cheated on?
757
00:39:14,572 --> 00:39:16,371
Okay, well, you've all been cheated on,
758
00:39:16,406 --> 00:39:18,496
just so you know.
759
00:39:18,593 --> 00:39:21,093
Sorry you have to find out like this.
760
00:39:26,325 --> 00:39:27,784
I fond out in the stupidest way.
761
00:39:27,827 --> 00:39:31,373
We were at a movie theater and I
dropped my phone in between the seats.
762
00:39:31,408 --> 00:39:34,582
So, I asked him if I could
use his phone to call my phone.
763
00:39:34,617 --> 00:39:38,084
I'm holding his phone
for maybe eight minutes.
764
00:39:38,119 --> 00:39:42,957
He gets three different text messages
from a girl he had programmed in his phone
765
00:39:42,992 --> 00:39:46,451
as "Sandylicious."
766
00:39:46,486 --> 00:39:50,422
Think about this. Really think
about how hot a girl has to be
767
00:39:50,457 --> 00:39:56,233
for a guy to take the time to program
in that long of a fucking name.
768
00:39:56,268 --> 00:40:01,730
He was like,
"S-A-N-D- Y-L-I-C-I..."
769
00:40:01,811 --> 00:40:04,049
And you know that shit
autocorrected like six times,
770
00:40:04,084 --> 00:40:06,373
so he had to go back to the beginning.
771
00:40:06,454 --> 00:40:09,290
"S-A-N-D,
shit.
772
00:40:09,325 --> 00:40:11,928
"S-A... Still worth it...
773
00:40:11,970 --> 00:40:15,199
D-I-L-I..."
774
00:40:15,234 --> 00:40:16,617
So, I had to confront
him about it. I was like,
775
00:40:16,652 --> 00:40:20,147
"Hey, why is some girl named Sandylicious
texting you at midnight on a Friday?"
776
00:40:20,182 --> 00:40:23,346
And he goes, "Oh, she's my friend."
777
00:40:23,381 --> 00:40:25,192
Why don't you just punch me in the tit?
778
00:40:25,227 --> 00:40:29,372
It would be less insulting
to my intelligence.
779
00:40:29,407 --> 00:40:33,137
Like, I'm just curious, has that
ever worked in the history of time?
780
00:40:33,174 --> 00:40:35,808
Has any girl ever been
jealously freaking out
781
00:40:35,843 --> 00:40:38,258
and the guy was like, "Oh, she's
my friend," and the girl was like,
782
00:40:38,320 --> 00:40:41,646
"Oh my God, I am so sorry!
783
00:40:41,730 --> 00:40:44,082
"I was totally overreacting.
784
00:40:44,117 --> 00:40:48,415
"Go back to texting
your bro, Sandylicious."
785
00:40:48,542 --> 00:40:50,258
No! I have a lot of
guy friends in my phone,
786
00:40:50,293 --> 00:40:53,440
none of them are programmed
in under "Joey smooth dick."
787
00:40:53,529 --> 00:40:55,760
That's not my friend.
788
00:40:55,953 --> 00:40:57,709
We're not friends.
789
00:41:00,570 --> 00:41:01,805
I feel like you guys don't know this.
790
00:41:01,840 --> 00:41:04,251
It's also so obvious when
you're getting lied to by a guy
791
00:41:04,286 --> 00:41:06,921
'cause you guys all lie the same exact way.
792
00:41:06,956 --> 00:41:11,171
You guys need to have a meeting,
or start a chatroom or something.
793
00:41:11,206 --> 00:41:13,715
Because you know you're
getting lied to by a guy
794
00:41:13,750 --> 00:41:19,215
because he will repeat the
question you ask him in the answer
795
00:41:19,768 --> 00:41:22,484
to buy time to make up the lie.
796
00:41:22,519 --> 00:41:24,998
So, I'll be like, "Hey, where
were you till 3:00 in the morning?"
797
00:41:25,202 --> 00:41:29,699
"Where was I? Until 3:00?
798
00:41:31,325 --> 00:41:33,707
"In the morning?"
799
00:41:34,716 --> 00:41:38,897
It's like, can you just make up your
lie in the car like an adult, please?
800
00:41:38,997 --> 00:41:41,135
Can I at least get that respect?
801
00:41:41,170 --> 00:41:42,797
And you know you're getting
lied to when a guy goes,
802
00:41:42,832 --> 00:41:46,101
"Ugh, well... Well, what do
you want me to say right now?"
803
00:41:48,742 --> 00:41:52,082
You want me to make up your lie?
804
00:41:52,274 --> 00:41:54,762
How lazy can you be?
805
00:41:54,855 --> 00:41:56,459
And then you know you're getting
cheated on when a guy goes,
806
00:41:56,494 --> 00:42:00,080
"Well, what's your definition of cheating?"
807
00:42:00,115 --> 00:42:03,504
I'm like, "Uh, if you had
fun without me, you cheated.
808
00:42:03,539 --> 00:42:05,372
It's very simple."
809
00:42:08,298 --> 00:42:12,013
Another announcement to make, which is...
810
00:42:12,158 --> 00:42:15,041
being cheated on now is extra hard for me
811
00:42:15,088 --> 00:42:18,237
because when I was in my
20s, no one ever admits this,
812
00:42:18,272 --> 00:42:20,320
but when I was in my 20s, I cheated.
813
00:42:20,419 --> 00:42:22,461
Now's your time, girl. Live it up.
814
00:42:24,393 --> 00:42:26,614
I was... I cheated in my
20s because I was an idiot.
815
00:42:26,649 --> 00:42:28,438
I was insecure and I was worried
816
00:42:28,488 --> 00:42:31,055
the guy I was with was gonna
leave me for someone else.
817
00:42:31,120 --> 00:42:34,644
Who cares the reason. The point is
getting cheated on now is even worse
818
00:42:34,717 --> 00:42:38,033
because I know what you're
doing because I've done it,
819
00:42:38,113 --> 00:42:39,487
and you're gross.
820
00:42:39,522 --> 00:42:42,737
I used to do the shadiest
things when I used to cheat.
821
00:42:42,772 --> 00:42:46,415
I used to program guys' names
in my phone as other things
822
00:42:46,450 --> 00:42:49,231
so the guy I was dating didn't
know what was going on, you know?
823
00:42:49,266 --> 00:42:54,349
And then he's be like, "Hey, why is Bank of
America calling you at 2:00 in the morning?"
824
00:43:01,416 --> 00:43:04,915
"That is weird.
825
00:43:04,950 --> 00:43:07,957
"You know, they've really
stepped up their customer service.
826
00:43:07,992 --> 00:43:10,481
"They really wanna make
sure my check clears.
827
00:43:10,516 --> 00:43:13,842
I am gonna thank them in the morning."
828
00:43:13,877 --> 00:43:17,950
He's like, "All right, well, why did
Rite Aid just text you a photo of a dick?"
829
00:43:21,255 --> 00:43:23,248
"Bizarre!
830
00:43:23,283 --> 00:43:24,965
"That's disgusting.
831
00:43:25,000 --> 00:43:28,117
We are switching to Walgreens tomorrow!"
832
00:43:30,867 --> 00:43:34,915
I don't know if, in general, as
a society we're getting grosser,
833
00:43:34,985 --> 00:43:37,609
or if the Internet's just
bringing it to the surface,
834
00:43:37,691 --> 00:43:40,973
but I just think, in general,
there's a movement towards perversion
835
00:43:41,008 --> 00:43:42,644
that feels new to me.
836
00:43:42,687 --> 00:43:46,633
The first thing that made me
think this was a couple months ago,
837
00:43:46,709 --> 00:43:47,895
I went on a date with a guy,
838
00:43:47,977 --> 00:43:49,490
then we went on a second date.
839
00:43:49,571 --> 00:43:53,983
On the second date, he
asked me if I could squirt.
840
00:43:57,788 --> 00:43:59,850
Let's talk about it.
841
00:44:02,250 --> 00:44:05,609
Look, first of all, I do not squirt.
842
00:44:05,644 --> 00:44:10,515
Just so you know, I am not a
squirter. I am not squirting.
843
00:44:10,550 --> 00:44:13,081
I am not a squirting lady.
844
00:44:13,116 --> 00:44:17,789
I don't know if I'm just dehydrated?
845
00:44:17,908 --> 00:44:20,309
If I need more Gatorade in my life?
846
00:44:20,382 --> 00:44:22,298
I'm not squirting, okay?
847
00:44:22,333 --> 00:44:24,940
I mean, if you want, I will compromise,
848
00:44:24,975 --> 00:44:28,261
and I will pee on you.
849
00:44:28,296 --> 00:44:30,561
I'd rather not, but if that's your thing,
850
00:44:30,616 --> 00:44:33,793
I'm sure I could fashion some pee.
851
00:44:34,613 --> 00:44:37,977
I'm gonna have to turn on
the faucet. I'm not into it.
852
00:44:38,075 --> 00:44:39,334
Here's the... This is new.
853
00:44:39,378 --> 00:44:42,201
This is a new thing. Five years
ago, I never heard about squirting.
854
00:44:42,236 --> 00:44:43,786
Okay? Five years ago, I feel like
855
00:44:43,821 --> 00:44:46,959
Ithe gross, taboo thing everyone
wanted their girl to do was anal.
856
00:44:47,012 --> 00:44:48,320
It was all about anal, right?
857
00:44:48,355 --> 00:44:51,612
Now anal's just like... You
just have to do that now.
858
00:44:51,709 --> 00:44:54,101
It's not even weird anymore.
859
00:44:54,136 --> 00:44:55,949
It's just, like, on the menu.
860
00:44:56,054 --> 00:44:59,929
It's not just for birthdays
anymore. It's happening.
861
00:45:01,885 --> 00:45:05,054
Which, I do not think that's okay. I
think we need to make it weird again.
862
00:45:05,089 --> 00:45:07,221
I think we need to make it taboo again.
863
00:45:07,325 --> 00:45:09,584
This is how I know anal
sex has gone mainstream.
864
00:45:09,619 --> 00:45:12,480
I have a girlfriend, she has
a daughter who is 16 years old.
865
00:45:12,515 --> 00:45:13,655
She goes to a Catholic school,
866
00:45:13,689 --> 00:45:17,344
and she said her girlfriends in
the Catholic school at 16 years old
867
00:45:17,426 --> 00:45:20,993
are now having anal sex
instead of regular sex
868
00:45:21,028 --> 00:45:23,540
so that they don't technically
lose their virginity.
869
00:45:23,575 --> 00:45:25,207
Right? Have you heard of that?
870
00:45:25,400 --> 00:45:30,171
My thing is if you're having
anal sex at 16 years old
871
00:45:30,206 --> 00:45:32,484
to stay right with God,
872
00:45:32,519 --> 00:45:34,498
I have news for you.
873
00:45:35,528 --> 00:45:37,368
There is no God.
874
00:45:37,463 --> 00:45:40,981
Get a new religion, 'cause
your God fucking hates you.
875
00:45:42,207 --> 00:45:45,894
No. No. Stay away from
my butt. I have a house.
876
00:45:47,572 --> 00:45:48,957
No.
877
00:45:49,172 --> 00:45:51,915
I have worked too hard.
878
00:45:51,950 --> 00:45:53,607
That's my point. You guys
are getting ungrateful.
879
00:45:53,662 --> 00:45:54,858
You guys have lost sight of the fact
880
00:45:54,893 --> 00:45:59,129
that our bodies were perfectly designed
to have sex with you, anatomically.
881
00:45:59,190 --> 00:46:02,897
Whatever you believe in. Say, it's
evolution or God. Say you believe in God.
882
00:46:02,955 --> 00:46:07,296
God perfectly designed the
female body to have sex with you.
883
00:46:07,331 --> 00:46:11,028
Right? Vagina here. Perfect placement.
884
00:46:11,063 --> 00:46:14,248
Boobs here if you want a little...
885
00:46:14,390 --> 00:46:15,636
Perfect.
886
00:46:15,686 --> 00:46:18,638
The head moves back and forth in case
you don't want to look at her face.
887
00:46:21,025 --> 00:46:23,810
God thought of everything.
888
00:46:23,949 --> 00:46:26,036
And then God was putting the
female body together and was like,
889
00:46:26,081 --> 00:46:29,309
"Ugh, there's this other hole.
890
00:46:29,714 --> 00:46:32,091
"It's a terrible hole.
891
00:46:32,393 --> 00:46:34,762
"Horrible things come out of it.
892
00:46:34,797 --> 00:46:36,498
"It's awful.
893
00:46:36,693 --> 00:46:42,707
We can't put it in the front or else
men would never have sex with women."
894
00:46:42,839 --> 00:46:44,582
God's like, "You know what I'm gonna do?
895
00:46:45,543 --> 00:46:47,034
"I'm gonna hide it.
896
00:46:48,803 --> 00:46:51,675
"I'm gonna put it in the back
897
00:46:51,710 --> 00:46:55,450
"in, like, a ravine.
898
00:46:58,492 --> 00:47:03,415
"I'm gonna put big pieces
of fat on either side of it.
899
00:47:03,594 --> 00:47:06,868
"He'll never even know it's there. She
can walk away naked, he'll never see it.
900
00:47:06,903 --> 00:47:09,448
"It's genius. Genius!
901
00:47:10,606 --> 00:47:13,396
"The female body is complete."
902
00:47:17,020 --> 00:47:21,586
Cut to God looking down now.
A guy's like, "Eh, eh, ehh..."
903
00:47:21,621 --> 00:47:24,873
God's like, "Oh, my God!
904
00:47:25,025 --> 00:47:27,769
"How did they even find it?
905
00:47:27,871 --> 00:47:30,832
"I hid that thing pretty well.
906
00:47:30,923 --> 00:47:33,424
They're animals!"
907
00:47:33,459 --> 00:47:36,462
No. Uh-uh. Nope.
Nope. Nuh-uh.
908
00:47:36,497 --> 00:47:38,665
No. Not squirting. Nope.
909
00:47:38,820 --> 00:47:41,707
We're starting a movement here
tonight. Hashtag no squirting.
910
00:47:41,742 --> 00:47:44,123
Get it going.
911
00:47:44,442 --> 00:47:47,133
No. You know why? It's...
You guys are pushing it now.
912
00:47:47,168 --> 00:47:49,373
You're ungrateful, you're
spoiled, and you're pushing it.
913
00:47:49,408 --> 00:47:52,415
Like, do our bodies not
do enough amazing things?
914
00:47:52,450 --> 00:47:54,007
Enough miraculous things?
915
00:47:54,042 --> 00:47:57,880
We can make a life. We can get
pregnant. We can breastfeed our babies.
916
00:47:57,988 --> 00:48:01,769
We can give you orgasms. Now
you want us to put out fires?
917
00:48:01,804 --> 00:48:03,727
It's too much.
918
00:48:03,879 --> 00:48:06,344
That's too much.
919
00:48:06,379 --> 00:48:08,214
And I'm a pretty slutty person.
920
00:48:08,318 --> 00:48:11,328
The fact that there's something
I won't do, that's bad.
921
00:48:11,372 --> 00:48:14,519
That is off the grid, okay?
922
00:48:14,554 --> 00:48:17,560
I'll do anything. I will literally
do anything 'cause I'm fun.
923
00:48:17,610 --> 00:48:19,825
I am fun.
924
00:48:19,860 --> 00:48:22,164
I'll do anything. What do
you want? Spank me? Great.
925
00:48:22,199 --> 00:48:24,309
Go for it. I will try not to laugh,
926
00:48:24,344 --> 00:48:26,123
but go for it.
927
00:48:26,158 --> 00:48:28,618
Choking, that's the new thing.
Everyone's gotta get choked now?
928
00:48:28,653 --> 00:48:30,452
Choke me. Great. Choke me.
929
00:48:30,487 --> 00:48:33,893
I'll even throw in a little "Ehh..."
930
00:48:37,481 --> 00:48:40,873
I'm fun! I'm fun.
931
00:48:41,109 --> 00:48:42,732
But you're pushing it now, okay?
932
00:48:42,767 --> 00:48:45,170
I'm not squirting. Who has time for that?
933
00:48:45,205 --> 00:48:49,079
Okay? I'm not gonna clean up squirt. No.
934
00:48:49,114 --> 00:48:51,707
I have a job. I don't have time for that.
935
00:48:51,742 --> 00:48:56,385
You gotta go to Home
Depot, you gotta get a tarp,
936
00:48:56,420 --> 00:49:00,623
you gotta put the tarp down. My
bedroom looks like Dexter's garage.
937
00:49:01,447 --> 00:49:03,159
I'm not living that way.
938
00:49:04,738 --> 00:49:07,999
Was sex not awkward
enough before squirting?
939
00:49:08,034 --> 00:49:09,584
Do you remember the
awkward talk before sex?
940
00:49:09,619 --> 00:49:11,775
Used to be like "Hey,
do you have a condom?"
941
00:49:11,810 --> 00:49:15,200
Now it's like, "Hey, do you have a ShamWow?
942
00:49:19,471 --> 00:49:22,158
Shit's about to get crazy."
943
00:49:23,700 --> 00:49:24,744
You don't want me to squirt.
944
00:49:24,779 --> 00:49:26,846
You do not want me to squirt
because if I could squirt,
945
00:49:26,881 --> 00:49:30,596
I would use it for evil all the time.
946
00:49:30,676 --> 00:49:31,954
Any time I was in my boyfriend's car,
947
00:49:32,006 --> 00:49:35,178
I'd be like, "You sure you
want to text that girl back?
948
00:49:39,072 --> 00:49:40,664
I didn't think so."
949
00:49:43,895 --> 00:49:47,595
I'm worried. I'm worried for
the next generation of boys.
950
00:49:47,630 --> 00:49:49,333
'Cause now guys in their...
951
00:49:49,368 --> 00:49:53,514
Teenage kids, they watch porn now before
they ever actually see a naked woman.
952
00:49:53,549 --> 00:49:55,987
Before they ever actually have
sex, they're watching porn.
953
00:49:56,022 --> 00:49:58,086
And they think that's gonna happen.
954
00:49:58,128 --> 00:50:03,568
They think that women are just
these human Bellagio fountains,
955
00:50:03,662 --> 00:50:06,582
just squirting constantly.
956
00:50:06,617 --> 00:50:08,034
They think they're gonna walk into that.
957
00:50:08,069 --> 00:50:09,626
Remember our generation of boys,
958
00:50:09,707 --> 00:50:13,040
they would show up to lose their
virginity with like, a rose.
959
00:50:13,105 --> 00:50:17,144
Now kids show up to lose their virginity
with just a snorkel, an umbrella,
960
00:50:17,179 --> 00:50:19,179
just flippers.
961
00:50:21,658 --> 00:50:23,143
It's not healthy.
962
00:50:23,221 --> 00:50:26,190
It's all just escalated
way too far, way too fast.
963
00:50:26,225 --> 00:50:28,459
Do you remember, like, the good
old days, like our generation,
964
00:50:28,494 --> 00:50:32,028
we used to have, like, first
base and second base, remember?
965
00:50:32,063 --> 00:50:34,674
It used to be like first
base was, like, kissing.
966
00:50:34,728 --> 00:50:37,702
Remember? Second base was,
you know, hand up the shirt.
967
00:50:37,737 --> 00:50:39,863
Now it is so escalated. It is so extreme.
968
00:50:39,898 --> 00:50:43,109
Now, like, first base is just sex.
969
00:50:43,144 --> 00:50:46,415
Second base, squirting.
970
00:50:46,612 --> 00:50:49,707
Third base, gangbang.
971
00:50:49,742 --> 00:50:54,938
A home run, he just takes you out in the
alley, murders you, jerks off on your dead body.
972
00:50:59,026 --> 00:51:01,693
It's a war zone out there, man.
973
00:51:01,783 --> 00:51:05,248
'Cause one day, you guys will
become desensitized to squirting.
974
00:51:05,283 --> 00:51:07,956
One day, that will be boring to
you, and then what are we gonna do?
975
00:51:07,991 --> 00:51:11,867
We just gonna have to pull out our
intestines and throw 'em in your face?
976
00:51:19,325 --> 00:51:20,660
It's not good.
977
00:51:20,748 --> 00:51:21,790
I think we ought to draw a line.
978
00:51:21,866 --> 00:51:23,908
We gotta just take it down.
It's getting too intense.
979
00:51:23,943 --> 00:51:27,699
It's like every week you guys come
out with a new way to humiliate us.
980
00:51:27,954 --> 00:51:30,371
You guys wanna have sex with our boobs now.
981
00:51:33,561 --> 00:51:37,270
You guys wanna squeeze
our boobs and fuck 'em?
982
00:51:42,788 --> 00:51:44,454
What are you doing?
983
00:51:46,090 --> 00:51:48,498
What guy was ever having sex
with a woman and was like,
984
00:51:48,533 --> 00:51:53,438
"Ugh, this vagina feels terrible, ugh.
985
00:51:54,075 --> 00:51:57,920
"I wish I had another one
that was completely dry.
986
00:51:59,290 --> 00:52:01,029
I know what to do."
987
00:52:03,158 --> 00:52:06,165
No, that's my heart, you idiot!
988
00:52:06,285 --> 00:52:09,044
Get your dick off my heart.
989
00:52:14,349 --> 00:52:16,240
You guys have gotten spoiled.
You have too many options.
990
00:52:16,275 --> 00:52:18,535
That's the problem, you have too
many options. You guys are like...
991
00:52:27,408 --> 00:52:29,211
It's not
Whac-A-Mole.
992
00:52:31,553 --> 00:52:34,685
I'm a human being.
993
00:52:34,720 --> 00:52:37,847
I have feelings and dreams.
994
00:52:37,936 --> 00:52:39,734
And parents.
995
00:52:43,492 --> 00:52:45,470
You guys are pushing it.
996
00:52:45,538 --> 00:52:49,285
It's getting more... Like, I just feel
like you never come back from that,
997
00:52:49,320 --> 00:52:50,959
having a man's...
998
00:52:52,814 --> 00:52:54,872
torso in your...
999
00:52:57,291 --> 00:52:59,105
face.
1000
00:52:59,218 --> 00:53:01,824
I feel like one day, one day
I will be a mother, right?
1001
00:53:01,892 --> 00:53:04,180
Thanks to the miracles of egg freezing.
1002
00:53:04,215 --> 00:53:07,441
One day I will be a mother. I
will be holding my beautiful baby,
1003
00:53:07,476 --> 00:53:11,165
I'll be looking down at
my beautiful baby's eyes,
1004
00:53:11,200 --> 00:53:13,964
we'll be having this
beautiful mother-daughter bond,
1005
00:53:14,061 --> 00:53:19,252
and then I'm just gonna have a flashback
to just a dick just a dick, just a dick...
1006
00:53:25,203 --> 00:53:28,825
It's not how I wanted
motherhood to go down.
1007
00:53:28,895 --> 00:53:32,404
Excuse me, I have to fix my
hair after my dick hit it.
1008
00:53:34,533 --> 00:53:36,898
You guys are getting desensitized,
and it's like, I feel like you guys
1009
00:53:36,964 --> 00:53:39,115
are getting more violent towards us, also.
1010
00:53:39,150 --> 00:53:43,540
It's like, the new thing you guys
want to do is the gagging thing?
1011
00:53:43,687 --> 00:53:53,248
(gagging)
1012
00:53:53,335 --> 00:53:54,252
Is that sexy to you?
1013
00:53:54,304 --> 00:53:56,602
(resumes gagging)
1014
00:53:57,551 --> 00:53:58,890
You into that, sir?
1015
00:54:11,606 --> 00:54:14,023
You into that? Is that your thing?
1016
00:54:18,700 --> 00:54:20,176
You like that, Internet?
1017
00:54:26,469 --> 00:54:29,005
If you're into that, just go to jail now.
1018
00:54:30,141 --> 00:54:32,604
You're gonna end up there eventually.
1019
00:54:32,639 --> 00:54:38,957
What, you want to put your
dicks in our throats until we...
1020
00:54:39,174 --> 00:54:43,796
That's where I breathe out of. You
wanna fuck my oxygen supply now?
1021
00:54:43,831 --> 00:54:45,998
Is that what it's come to?
1022
00:54:47,025 --> 00:54:49,900
Do you even like me? Should I leave?
1023
00:54:52,124 --> 00:54:53,695
Like, what is the psychology?
1024
00:54:53,730 --> 00:54:56,808
The psychology of it is like, "Yeah,
my big dick's gonna make her gag."
1025
00:54:56,843 --> 00:55:00,281
You know what else makes
me gag? A NyQuil gelcap.
1026
00:55:04,220 --> 00:55:06,095
It's not that big of a deal.
1027
00:55:12,477 --> 00:55:13,602
I asked a guy friend of mine about this.
1028
00:55:13,658 --> 00:55:14,940
I was like, "What's up
with the gagging thing?
1029
00:55:14,975 --> 00:55:16,299
What's happening with the gagging thing?"
1030
00:55:16,334 --> 00:55:20,040
He goes, "Oh, gagging's awesome
'cause it makes the girl cry."
1031
00:55:20,205 --> 00:55:21,843
What?!
1032
00:55:21,878 --> 00:55:24,084
I thought guys hated it when we cried?
1033
00:55:24,119 --> 00:55:26,069
Now I know when guys leave
the room when I'm crying.
1034
00:55:26,104 --> 00:55:29,236
They're going to the bathroom to jerk off.
1035
00:55:29,346 --> 00:55:31,496
Weirdos.
1036
00:55:31,550 --> 00:55:33,790
I don't like it.
1037
00:55:33,894 --> 00:55:36,170
I just think about all this
and I'm like, you know what?
1038
00:55:36,205 --> 00:55:38,375
I just feel like women,
we're always the ones
1039
00:55:38,464 --> 00:55:43,054
having to do the gross, kinky,
nasty, tricks in the bedroom.
1040
00:55:43,089 --> 00:55:46,295
I feel like you guys need to come
up with a couple fucking tricks.
1041
00:55:47,867 --> 00:55:50,006
(cheering)
1042
00:55:50,067 --> 00:55:51,794
Thank you.
1043
00:55:51,857 --> 00:55:53,957
I will strike a deal with you, okay?
1044
00:55:53,992 --> 00:55:56,665
I will learn to squirt
1045
00:55:56,700 --> 00:56:01,433
if you teach your dicks
how to blow bubbles.
1046
00:56:04,452 --> 00:56:07,964
Thank you guys so much for
coming out to the show, everybody!
1047
00:56:07,999 --> 00:56:10,082
Thank you!
1048
00:56:10,117 --> 00:56:12,575
(cheering)
1049
00:56:19,325 --> 00:56:20,790
Thank you!
1050
00:56:20,996 --> 00:56:23,121
Hi, cuties!
1051
00:56:28,431 --> 00:56:29,743
Thank you!
1052
00:56:29,778 --> 00:56:32,139
First and foremost...
1053
00:56:36,202 --> 00:56:39,082
I just want to say thank
you so much for coming out.
1054
00:56:39,214 --> 00:56:41,790
It's always been such a big dream
of mine to have an HBO special,
1055
00:56:41,825 --> 00:56:43,582
so this is a very big deal for me.
1056
00:56:43,617 --> 00:56:47,207
Thank you. Thank you.
1057
00:56:47,323 --> 00:56:51,688
Um, and I would like to dedicate
this special to my father
1058
00:56:51,777 --> 00:56:53,825
who is right now going through something.
1059
00:56:53,860 --> 00:56:56,777
Keep fighting, Dad, I love you very much.
1060
00:57:04,532 --> 00:57:06,981
And, as promised,
1061
00:57:07,034 --> 00:57:08,628
I will now take some pictures with you guys
1062
00:57:08,677 --> 00:57:13,893
because I know that the only reason you
guys came here was to get a fucking selfie,
1063
00:57:13,980 --> 00:57:16,665
and you haven't been
listening this entire show,
1064
00:57:16,736 --> 00:57:20,248
and you're just trying to figure
out how this is gonna benefit you
1065
00:57:20,283 --> 00:57:21,689
and your Instagram feed.
1066
00:57:21,724 --> 00:57:24,856
So... (laughing)
1067
00:57:24,952 --> 00:57:27,995
So, what we'll do is you guys
can put your phone in selfie mode.
1068
00:57:28,030 --> 00:57:30,579
I think you probably know how to
do that, you live in Los Angeles,
1069
00:57:30,659 --> 00:57:32,166
all you do is take selfies.
1070
00:57:32,201 --> 00:57:34,911
So, hold it up and I'll
get in the background of it.
1071
00:57:34,946 --> 00:57:37,067
So, uh, let's do it.
1072
00:57:37,125 --> 00:57:39,334
Thank you, guys. I love you.
1073
00:57:46,091 --> 00:57:49,841
♪ ♪
1074
00:57:49,938 --> 00:57:59,938
Sync and corrections by explosiveskull
www.addic7ed.com
89313
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