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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:08,326 Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells http://UKsubtitles.ru. 2 00:00:08,327 --> 00:00:09,628 Ladies and gentlemen, 3 00:00:09,630 --> 00:00:12,333 from the Barclay Theatre in Irvine, California, 4 00:00:12,407 --> 00:00:16,010 please welcome to the stage, Whitney Cummings. 5 00:00:36,098 --> 00:00:37,100 Love you. 6 00:00:37,304 --> 00:00:39,372 All bitches, come on! 7 00:00:47,042 --> 00:00:50,078 Thank you, guys, so much for coming out tonight, man. 8 00:00:50,158 --> 00:00:51,993 It's so good to be doing standup again. 9 00:00:51,993 --> 00:00:53,561 I took like a couple of years off. 10 00:00:53,561 --> 00:00:55,831 I was making a television show... 11 00:01:00,969 --> 00:01:03,704 You didn't fuckin' watch it! 12 00:01:03,706 --> 00:01:06,974 You did not watch it, no you didn't. 13 00:01:06,975 --> 00:01:08,510 'Cause if you had watched it, 14 00:01:08,510 --> 00:01:10,745 I wouldn't fucking be here right now. 15 00:01:15,016 --> 00:01:16,283 No. I would be here. 16 00:01:16,284 --> 00:01:17,951 This is my favorite thing to do in the world. 17 00:01:17,953 --> 00:01:20,120 It is so good to be back doing standup. 18 00:01:20,121 --> 00:01:22,823 The last couple years were kind of... interesting. 19 00:01:22,825 --> 00:01:25,192 I think the most intense thing that happened to me was 20 00:01:25,194 --> 00:01:27,829 I went through a really painful breakup, 21 00:01:27,829 --> 00:01:30,831 but I'm glad it happened because actually I learned a lot. 22 00:01:30,832 --> 00:01:31,932 I feel like, you know what, 23 00:01:31,933 --> 00:01:33,867 I figured out why couples breakup. 24 00:01:33,868 --> 00:01:34,968 I think it's this... 25 00:01:34,969 --> 00:01:37,237 I think couples break up because we're all operating 26 00:01:37,239 --> 00:01:40,240 under different definitions of the word love. 27 00:01:40,241 --> 00:01:42,210 If you think about it, we say this word to each other, 28 00:01:42,210 --> 00:01:45,112 and I think it just makes us raise expectations. 29 00:01:45,114 --> 00:01:47,247 You know, I feel like if we were all to just agree 30 00:01:47,248 --> 00:01:50,652 on a universal definition of the word love, 31 00:01:50,652 --> 00:01:53,655 we'd stop disappointing each other so much, you know? 32 00:01:53,656 --> 00:01:54,989 So to me, my definition of love 33 00:01:54,990 --> 00:01:59,762 is being willing to die for someone... 34 00:02:02,798 --> 00:02:06,234 that you yourself want to kill. 35 00:02:08,837 --> 00:02:10,337 Which is kind of confusing... 36 00:02:10,338 --> 00:02:12,706 like if someone were to break into my house 37 00:02:12,707 --> 00:02:14,241 and hold up a gun to the person I love, 38 00:02:14,242 --> 00:02:15,110 I would jump in front of the gun. 39 00:02:15,110 --> 00:02:19,681 I'd go, "Wait, no, stop! Let me do it! 40 00:02:21,082 --> 00:02:22,617 Dude, I am begging you!" 41 00:02:24,620 --> 00:02:26,086 I also think in this culture 42 00:02:26,087 --> 00:02:28,223 we express love in a very twisted way. 43 00:02:28,223 --> 00:02:30,859 In this culture we show love by giving each other presents... 44 00:02:30,860 --> 00:02:32,593 jewelry and trips and stuff... 45 00:02:32,594 --> 00:02:33,594 and to me, that's not what love's about. 46 00:02:33,596 --> 00:02:34,628 That's too easy, you know. 47 00:02:34,629 --> 00:02:36,831 For me love is about the way you treat a person 48 00:02:36,831 --> 00:02:39,901 on a daily basis when no one else is around. 49 00:02:39,901 --> 00:02:41,135 Little things, you know? 50 00:02:41,137 --> 00:02:43,304 Like if you love me, for example, 51 00:02:43,305 --> 00:02:45,272 the second sex is over, 52 00:02:45,274 --> 00:02:50,012 if I was on top, don't push me off you... 53 00:02:53,748 --> 00:02:56,884 as quickly as possible... 54 00:02:56,885 --> 00:02:59,420 If you love me, you will let me dismount 55 00:02:59,421 --> 00:03:02,625 with a little fucking dignity. 56 00:03:07,729 --> 00:03:12,734 You will let me dismount like the swan that I am. 57 00:03:12,735 --> 00:03:15,003 Thank you, sir. 58 00:03:16,838 --> 00:03:20,975 Or, if you were on top, by some fucking miracle... 59 00:03:22,711 --> 00:03:27,681 don't use my body as a pushing off point. 60 00:03:27,682 --> 00:03:32,152 When you get off, don't push off my face... 61 00:03:32,153 --> 00:03:33,889 to go check your phone. 62 00:03:37,026 --> 00:03:38,126 It's about respect. 63 00:03:38,127 --> 00:03:39,159 Love to me is about respect. 64 00:03:39,161 --> 00:03:40,228 Little things, you know. 65 00:03:40,228 --> 00:03:42,729 If you love me and we're taking a shower together, 66 00:03:42,730 --> 00:03:45,700 don't pee. 67 00:03:47,735 --> 00:03:49,137 Why is that so confusing? 68 00:03:49,138 --> 00:03:52,973 Don't-don't make me stand in your piss... 69 00:03:52,974 --> 00:03:55,211 like a fucking asshole. 70 00:04:00,181 --> 00:04:01,216 Use your head. 71 00:04:01,217 --> 00:04:02,383 You know, if you love me, you'll think ahead. 72 00:04:02,383 --> 00:04:04,218 Little things like if you love me 73 00:04:04,219 --> 00:04:06,387 and you buy me lingerie as a gift, 74 00:04:06,388 --> 00:04:12,828 don't buy me a small top and a medium bottom. 75 00:04:13,862 --> 00:04:15,430 Okay? If you love me, 76 00:04:15,431 --> 00:04:19,968 you will buy me a large top and a small bottom, 77 00:04:19,968 --> 00:04:22,637 and I'll exchange that shit on my own time. 78 00:04:27,108 --> 00:04:28,877 Love is just like don't be stupid. 79 00:04:28,877 --> 00:04:29,711 You know, little things. 80 00:04:29,711 --> 00:04:31,411 Like if you love me, let me wake up 81 00:04:31,413 --> 00:04:33,747 before you start having sex with me. 82 00:04:33,749 --> 00:04:35,750 Can I get some gum? 83 00:04:35,750 --> 00:04:36,918 Can you just give me a sec... 84 00:04:36,918 --> 00:04:39,954 This isn't prison. I'm going to say 'yes'. 85 00:04:43,225 --> 00:04:45,326 Have a little faith in yourself, you know? 86 00:04:46,961 --> 00:04:48,228 I also think that phrase "I love you" is tricky 87 00:04:48,230 --> 00:04:50,331 because I think when you're in a relationship for a long time, 88 00:04:50,331 --> 00:04:52,533 it starts to lose its value, you know. 89 00:04:52,534 --> 00:04:53,800 It starts to deteriorate. 90 00:04:53,802 --> 00:04:54,836 Like when you first say I love you, 91 00:04:54,836 --> 00:04:55,903 it's such a big deal. 92 00:04:55,904 --> 00:04:58,238 You know, you're like "I love you", 93 00:04:58,240 --> 00:05:00,240 but after awhile, you're just like 94 00:05:00,242 --> 00:05:02,410 "Love you!" 95 00:05:02,411 --> 00:05:03,511 Then after that, you're just like, 96 00:05:03,512 --> 00:05:08,850 "You, too", and finally you're just like "Fuck you!" 97 00:05:11,452 --> 00:05:12,853 Love is dangerous, you know. 98 00:05:12,855 --> 00:05:13,821 It's a very dangerous thing we do. 99 00:05:13,822 --> 00:05:15,723 We give someone else the ability to hurt us. 100 00:05:15,723 --> 00:05:17,725 At any moment you could just get your heart broken, 101 00:05:17,725 --> 00:05:19,160 have your life ruined just like that, 102 00:05:19,161 --> 00:05:21,129 and I think that makes us all a little tense. 103 00:05:21,129 --> 00:05:22,730 I think we're all a little on edge, you know. 104 00:05:22,730 --> 00:05:25,466 Love is so insane that when you hear about someone 105 00:05:25,466 --> 00:05:28,036 who's in love who does a terrible thing, 106 00:05:28,036 --> 00:05:29,170 you side with them. 107 00:05:29,170 --> 00:05:31,271 Like when I hear about a woman who killed her husband, 108 00:05:31,273 --> 00:05:32,273 the first thing I think I'm like, 109 00:05:32,274 --> 00:05:34,875 well, what the fuck did he do? 110 00:05:34,877 --> 00:05:37,745 That poor woman! 111 00:05:40,182 --> 00:05:41,182 Love makes you think about things 112 00:05:41,182 --> 00:05:43,084 you never thought you'd do before, you know? 113 00:05:43,084 --> 00:05:44,319 Like getting married. 114 00:05:44,319 --> 00:05:45,386 This last relationship I thought I was going to get married. 115 00:05:45,387 --> 00:05:46,521 For me, I never thought I was going to get married 116 00:05:46,521 --> 00:05:48,656 because I have all this divorce in my family, you know, 117 00:05:48,656 --> 00:05:51,091 but I also think that when you get older as a woman, 118 00:05:51,093 --> 00:05:53,327 marriage just becomes a little more appealing 119 00:05:53,329 --> 00:05:54,963 because marriage is set up for girls 120 00:05:54,963 --> 00:05:57,932 as an offer that you just cannot refuse, you know? 121 00:05:57,932 --> 00:06:00,067 If someone came up to me on the street randomly 122 00:06:00,069 --> 00:06:03,338 and marriage as an institution did not exist, 123 00:06:03,338 --> 00:06:06,007 and someone was just like, "Excuse me ma'am. 124 00:06:06,007 --> 00:06:10,244 Hi, um, would you be interested in a beautiful diamond ring 125 00:06:10,245 --> 00:06:13,348 and a bunch of parties where your friends will buy you 126 00:06:13,348 --> 00:06:16,850 whatever the fuck you want?" 127 00:06:16,851 --> 00:06:19,019 And then you get to move into somebody else's house 128 00:06:19,021 --> 00:06:21,422 and get on their health insurance plan... 129 00:06:21,423 --> 00:06:23,257 And then if they cheat on you, 130 00:06:23,259 --> 00:06:27,196 you get half their shit, no questions asked. 131 00:06:29,398 --> 00:06:31,466 Would you be interested in that? 132 00:06:34,036 --> 00:06:36,336 Yeah, man, yeah, yeah. 133 00:06:36,338 --> 00:06:39,007 How do I get all that shit? 134 00:06:39,007 --> 00:06:42,175 Well, you just have to have sex with the same man 135 00:06:42,177 --> 00:06:44,411 for the rest of your life. 136 00:06:44,413 --> 00:06:46,348 Ohhh. 137 00:06:48,149 --> 00:06:49,050 You know, fuck it. 138 00:06:49,050 --> 00:06:50,550 I have Tylenol PM. Let's do this shit. 139 00:06:50,552 --> 00:06:51,987 Where do I sign up? 140 00:06:54,122 --> 00:06:55,255 It's not that we love you. 141 00:06:55,257 --> 00:06:57,858 We just want shit, okay? 142 00:06:57,860 --> 00:06:59,159 It's the same thing with sex. 143 00:06:59,161 --> 00:07:00,560 Like we don't always have sex with you guys 144 00:07:00,562 --> 00:07:02,262 because we like want that dick. 145 00:07:02,264 --> 00:07:03,264 No! 146 00:07:09,571 --> 00:07:12,206 No! 147 00:07:12,206 --> 00:07:14,007 Okay? Half the time I have sex with a guy, 148 00:07:14,009 --> 00:07:15,610 it's because it burns calories. 149 00:07:22,151 --> 00:07:26,321 I'm like oh, God. I had that lasagna today... 150 00:07:26,322 --> 00:07:30,223 I don't have time to go to the gym, so... 151 00:07:30,225 --> 00:07:33,095 I should probably just fuck this guy. 152 00:07:35,264 --> 00:07:36,531 But I really go for it, you know. 153 00:07:36,531 --> 00:07:38,566 I wear a terrycloth headband and ankle weights. 154 00:07:38,567 --> 00:07:40,034 I get in there and... 155 00:07:47,509 --> 00:07:49,444 In this last relationship, I was going so insane 156 00:07:49,444 --> 00:07:51,946 that I started doing research to try to figure out 157 00:07:51,947 --> 00:07:53,413 what goes on chemically in your brain 158 00:07:53,415 --> 00:07:54,481 when you're in love. 159 00:07:54,483 --> 00:07:56,084 And I read this book called "The Female Brain". 160 00:07:56,084 --> 00:07:57,918 Has anyone read this book? 161 00:07:57,920 --> 00:08:01,521 Ooh! One... dude? 162 00:08:01,523 --> 00:08:02,990 All right, what you got going on over here 163 00:08:02,990 --> 00:08:05,793 considering the fact that you're with a dude? 164 00:08:07,862 --> 00:08:11,098 Why would you need that book? 165 00:08:11,100 --> 00:08:11,999 I respect that. 166 00:08:12,000 --> 00:08:14,435 You just wanted to get a head start, 167 00:08:14,435 --> 00:08:16,269 just kind of figure it out. 168 00:08:16,271 --> 00:08:18,673 So you're just here alone? 169 00:08:18,673 --> 00:08:20,908 I respect that. 170 00:08:20,908 --> 00:08:24,345 You're not going home alone... that's for sure. 171 00:08:24,346 --> 00:08:25,545 That book's amazing, right? 172 00:08:25,547 --> 00:08:28,415 This book is all about the way women's brains are wired, 173 00:08:28,417 --> 00:08:29,417 and essentially it said 174 00:08:29,418 --> 00:08:31,685 that we have like millions of more emotions 175 00:08:31,687 --> 00:08:34,422 and hormones and like synapses that connect... 176 00:08:34,423 --> 00:08:36,423 basically, it's a miracle 177 00:08:36,424 --> 00:08:40,360 that we're not crying all the fucking time... 178 00:08:40,361 --> 00:08:41,328 which is a bummer 179 00:08:41,330 --> 00:08:43,597 because I feel like guys hate that, you know? 180 00:08:43,599 --> 00:08:44,698 You know, I feel like guys hate 181 00:08:44,700 --> 00:08:47,033 that women are so emotional and sensitive, right? 182 00:08:47,034 --> 00:08:49,003 You guys think women are crazy, right? 183 00:08:49,004 --> 00:08:50,672 Yes? Okay. 184 00:08:52,740 --> 00:08:53,942 All right. 185 00:08:59,548 --> 00:09:02,517 You think this is fun for me? 186 00:09:02,518 --> 00:09:05,119 You think I would ever choose this for myself? 187 00:09:05,120 --> 00:09:07,254 You think I enjoy crying 188 00:09:07,255 --> 00:09:09,524 every time Adele is on the radio? 189 00:09:11,192 --> 00:09:12,426 That's embarrassing, okay. 190 00:09:12,427 --> 00:09:15,129 You think I enjoy Googling your ex-girlfriend 191 00:09:15,129 --> 00:09:18,365 three hours a day? 192 00:09:18,366 --> 00:09:20,701 You think I have that kind of time? 193 00:09:20,701 --> 00:09:22,302 You think I enjoy trying to guess 194 00:09:22,303 --> 00:09:25,206 every one of your security question answers? 195 00:09:27,075 --> 00:09:30,077 Oh, shit! What street did he grow up on? 196 00:09:32,181 --> 00:09:33,213 It's weird because that's all I hear from guys 197 00:09:33,215 --> 00:09:34,615 is that women are crazy. 198 00:09:34,615 --> 00:09:36,417 Women are so crazy. But I have tons of girlfriends, 199 00:09:36,418 --> 00:09:38,085 and I hang out with my girlfriends alone 200 00:09:38,086 --> 00:09:39,519 all the time, and when guys aren't around, 201 00:09:39,520 --> 00:09:42,490 women are super cool, rational, logical, 202 00:09:42,490 --> 00:09:44,491 but then they start dating some dude, 203 00:09:44,493 --> 00:09:46,092 and they lose their mind. 204 00:09:46,094 --> 00:09:47,360 Women are not crazy... 205 00:09:47,361 --> 00:09:51,099 you guys fucking make us that way. Okay? 206 00:09:55,102 --> 00:09:56,070 I'm just sayin', 207 00:09:56,071 --> 00:09:59,540 take your passwords off your fucking phones. 208 00:10:03,711 --> 00:10:05,245 It's just weird because I feel like 209 00:10:05,246 --> 00:10:06,279 being crazy and sensitive... 210 00:10:06,280 --> 00:10:08,249 like that doesn't have to be a negative thing. 211 00:10:08,250 --> 00:10:09,517 I think that's kind of an asset, you know? 212 00:10:09,518 --> 00:10:13,587 I think girls should be paranoid and hypervigilant and emotional 213 00:10:13,589 --> 00:10:16,356 because we're responsible for raising helpless babies. 214 00:10:16,357 --> 00:10:18,091 Okay? We can't think like you guys. 215 00:10:18,092 --> 00:10:21,195 We can't be fucking sociopaths... 216 00:10:21,196 --> 00:10:24,465 or else babies would just die... 217 00:10:24,466 --> 00:10:27,768 all the time and our species would be extinct. 218 00:10:27,769 --> 00:10:31,504 Like if we felt like you guys, we would give birth to a baby, 219 00:10:31,505 --> 00:10:33,106 you know, take it home from the hospital 220 00:10:33,107 --> 00:10:35,408 if we even went to the hospital... 221 00:10:35,409 --> 00:10:38,678 because I don't need a doctor. 222 00:10:38,679 --> 00:10:41,349 Then we would like put it in the sink for a month. 223 00:10:41,350 --> 00:10:43,650 Just throw Doritos on it, 224 00:10:43,652 --> 00:10:47,455 every now and then spray it with Axe Body Spray... 225 00:10:47,456 --> 00:10:48,389 And when we were done with it, 226 00:10:48,389 --> 00:10:49,356 we would just like put it on Craig's List, 227 00:10:49,357 --> 00:10:51,592 like, ah, I can get a few bucks for that. 228 00:10:53,794 --> 00:10:54,761 I feel like you guys think 229 00:10:54,763 --> 00:10:57,230 that we like choose to be crazy, you know? 230 00:10:57,231 --> 00:10:58,466 It's an act of choice. 231 00:10:58,466 --> 00:10:59,567 Like I feel like you guys think 232 00:10:59,567 --> 00:11:01,735 that we wake up on any given morning 233 00:11:01,736 --> 00:11:05,605 and just decide we're going to have a terrible day. 234 00:11:05,606 --> 00:11:06,606 I feel like you guys think we wake up 235 00:11:06,607 --> 00:11:07,542 and we're like oh my God, 236 00:11:07,543 --> 00:11:09,409 I'm going to have such a good day today. 237 00:11:09,410 --> 00:11:11,412 I'm going to hang out with my boyfriend, 238 00:11:11,413 --> 00:11:14,682 we're going to go hang out, see a movie... 239 00:11:16,350 --> 00:11:18,619 you know what? 240 00:11:18,620 --> 00:11:21,221 No. 241 00:11:21,222 --> 00:11:23,291 I have a better idea. 242 00:11:23,292 --> 00:11:27,327 I'm going to wake up, feel fat for two hours... 243 00:11:27,328 --> 00:11:28,796 then get mad at my boyfriend 244 00:11:28,797 --> 00:11:34,168 because he said good morning in a weird tone... 245 00:11:35,803 --> 00:11:40,707 then I'm going to break up with him in my head... 246 00:11:40,709 --> 00:11:41,841 I'm not going to tell him we broke up. 247 00:11:41,842 --> 00:11:42,943 It's none of his fucking business 248 00:11:42,945 --> 00:11:46,379 whether we're together or not. 249 00:11:46,380 --> 00:11:50,951 Then I'm going to go spend $200 on jeans that don't fit... 250 00:11:50,952 --> 00:11:52,519 then I'm going to go eat cucumbers 251 00:11:52,520 --> 00:11:55,355 with barbecue sauce on them... 252 00:11:55,356 --> 00:11:56,557 then I'm going to get mad at him again 253 00:11:56,557 --> 00:11:59,927 because he suggested we see a Scarlett Johansson movie... 254 00:11:59,927 --> 00:12:03,331 what the fuck is that? 255 00:12:03,331 --> 00:12:05,298 Then I'm going to go spend two hours online 256 00:12:05,299 --> 00:12:07,369 looking at wedding dresses. 257 00:12:10,339 --> 00:12:12,541 Not a great day for us, either, you know? 258 00:12:14,342 --> 00:12:16,177 I think it's funny that guys are never called crazy 259 00:12:16,177 --> 00:12:19,245 because I feel like guys do things that are like, 260 00:12:19,246 --> 00:12:20,246 crazy, you know? 261 00:12:20,248 --> 00:12:21,615 But guys are never called crazy. 262 00:12:21,616 --> 00:12:23,484 Like, for a guy to get called crazy, 263 00:12:23,485 --> 00:12:24,751 he's got to be like... 264 00:12:24,753 --> 00:12:27,388 he's got to be like naked in an alley 265 00:12:27,389 --> 00:12:33,259 jerking off on a dead pigeon... 266 00:12:33,260 --> 00:12:38,232 singing bible hymns like "Over the River"... 267 00:12:42,770 --> 00:12:45,605 But even then we're like, oh my God, that guy is homeless. 268 00:12:45,606 --> 00:12:48,542 That is so sad. 269 00:12:48,543 --> 00:12:50,577 Do you have a dollar? 270 00:12:50,578 --> 00:12:52,179 Give him a dollar. 271 00:12:53,715 --> 00:12:55,415 But for a girl to get called crazy, 272 00:12:55,417 --> 00:12:58,953 we just have to send you two text messages in a row. 273 00:13:01,023 --> 00:13:03,323 She's fucking crazy, man. 274 00:13:03,325 --> 00:13:04,658 She's fucking stalking me, bro. 275 00:13:04,658 --> 00:13:06,726 She's obsessed with me, man. 276 00:13:06,727 --> 00:13:07,961 I'm like I don't know, I'm not crazy. 277 00:13:07,962 --> 00:13:09,462 I'm just locked out of the house. 278 00:13:09,464 --> 00:13:11,631 Can you let me in the house? 279 00:13:11,633 --> 00:13:13,600 I'm not stalking you. I live here. 280 00:13:13,601 --> 00:13:15,436 My house. We live together. 281 00:13:15,437 --> 00:13:18,440 I'm not obsessed with you. I hate you, so... 282 00:13:19,841 --> 00:13:20,975 Guys are never called crazy, 283 00:13:20,975 --> 00:13:24,445 but I feel like guys do things that are actually crazy. 284 00:13:24,446 --> 00:13:27,648 Like things that would put you in an insane asylum. 285 00:13:27,649 --> 00:13:33,654 Like you guys will talk to athletes in the TV. 286 00:13:35,756 --> 00:13:38,693 You think they can fucking hear you. 287 00:13:39,995 --> 00:13:41,562 That's literal schizophrenia. 288 00:13:41,562 --> 00:13:45,466 That is a mental illness. 289 00:13:45,466 --> 00:13:47,067 Like I was watching some of my guy friends 290 00:13:47,068 --> 00:13:47,868 a couple of months ago. 291 00:13:47,869 --> 00:13:48,735 They were watching a Giants game 292 00:13:48,736 --> 00:13:51,072 and they were talking to Eli Manning. 293 00:13:51,072 --> 00:13:52,807 They were having a conversation with this person. 294 00:13:52,807 --> 00:13:54,408 They were like, Eli, listen to me. 295 00:13:54,408 --> 00:13:55,543 Eli, listen to me. 296 00:13:55,543 --> 00:13:56,777 We have been through this, bro. 297 00:13:56,778 --> 00:14:00,480 I'm like, bitch, you've not been through shit with him, man. 298 00:14:00,481 --> 00:14:02,982 He cannot hear you, and even if he could hear you, 299 00:14:02,984 --> 00:14:04,784 why would he take advice from you? 300 00:14:04,785 --> 00:14:05,885 You can't even get your Heinekens 301 00:14:05,886 --> 00:14:08,222 in the fucking garbage can. 302 00:14:10,258 --> 00:14:11,491 I feel like you guys watching sports 303 00:14:11,493 --> 00:14:12,860 should give you a little more sympathy for us 304 00:14:12,860 --> 00:14:13,994 because now you know what it's like 305 00:14:13,995 --> 00:14:17,264 to yell at a man and have him completely ignore you. 306 00:14:22,303 --> 00:14:24,639 Every day is Sunday for us. 307 00:14:26,908 --> 00:14:28,075 You guys say the meanest things 308 00:14:28,076 --> 00:14:30,043 to these athletes, the meanest things. 309 00:14:30,044 --> 00:14:31,578 Like they were watching Tom Brady 310 00:14:31,580 --> 00:14:33,913 and they were like Tom Brady, you suck. 311 00:14:33,914 --> 00:14:35,515 Tom Brady sucks. 312 00:14:35,517 --> 00:14:36,716 I don't know that much about football, 313 00:14:36,717 --> 00:14:40,019 but I'm pretty sure Tom Brady doesn't suck at football. 314 00:14:40,020 --> 00:14:40,955 I'm pretty sure you suck. 315 00:14:40,956 --> 00:14:43,491 I'm pretty sure all you suck at football. 316 00:14:46,427 --> 00:14:48,863 I just wish these athletes would stand up for themselves, 317 00:14:48,864 --> 00:14:50,931 you know, against these horrible things you say. 318 00:14:50,932 --> 00:14:52,198 I wish just one time 319 00:14:52,200 --> 00:14:54,534 Tom Brady would look directly into the camera and be like, 320 00:14:54,536 --> 00:14:57,438 "Hey man, fuck you, I got this... 321 00:14:59,106 --> 00:15:01,075 "I make 20 million dollars a year 322 00:15:01,076 --> 00:15:03,879 "and you can't even do a fucking sit-up... 323 00:15:06,380 --> 00:15:08,350 Get off my dick, man." 324 00:15:12,354 --> 00:15:13,953 That's where you guys get delusional about sports. 325 00:15:13,955 --> 00:15:16,490 Like I feel if we get delusional about like relationship stuff, 326 00:15:16,490 --> 00:15:18,826 but sports is where you guys kind of lose your mind. 327 00:15:18,826 --> 00:15:20,360 Like I have this guy friend who... 328 00:15:20,361 --> 00:15:23,631 he carries a football around in his car... 329 00:15:25,466 --> 00:15:26,700 like bitch, you're 50. 330 00:15:26,701 --> 00:15:30,004 No one wants to play football with you. 331 00:15:30,004 --> 00:15:32,539 Like to him it's like... 332 00:15:32,540 --> 00:15:34,674 like it's not over yet, you know. 333 00:15:34,676 --> 00:15:37,946 Like in his mind he's going to get a call... 334 00:15:40,548 --> 00:15:42,783 Like any minute he's getting a phone call. 335 00:15:42,783 --> 00:15:44,618 If the coach of the Giants doesn't call him like, 336 00:15:44,619 --> 00:15:46,086 "Hey, man. 337 00:15:46,086 --> 00:15:48,822 "Eli's hurt... 338 00:15:48,822 --> 00:15:50,991 You still got that football in your car?" 339 00:15:56,597 --> 00:15:57,730 I'm trying to kind of take responsibility 340 00:15:57,731 --> 00:15:59,933 for my part in being crazy, you know? 341 00:15:59,934 --> 00:16:01,601 I'm trying to be more mature in relationships, 342 00:16:01,602 --> 00:16:03,037 and I don't think that it's just women 343 00:16:03,038 --> 00:16:05,505 who are biologically fixed to be crazy... 344 00:16:05,506 --> 00:16:06,373 I don't think that's it. 345 00:16:06,374 --> 00:16:08,442 I think there's a lot of socialization 346 00:16:08,442 --> 00:16:09,543 that messes us up, too. 347 00:16:09,543 --> 00:16:12,379 Like I realize I have incredibly high expectations 348 00:16:12,379 --> 00:16:14,447 for romance, and I don't even know where they come from. 349 00:16:14,448 --> 00:16:16,917 Like I realized recently when I get off a plane, 350 00:16:16,918 --> 00:16:19,153 I fully expect the guy that I'm dating 351 00:16:19,153 --> 00:16:24,390 to be waiting for me at the airport, surprising me. 352 00:16:24,392 --> 00:16:27,394 What shitty movie did we see... 353 00:16:27,394 --> 00:16:28,428 You know what? 354 00:16:28,429 --> 00:16:29,963 I actually... I think it was Crocodile Dundee... 355 00:16:29,965 --> 00:16:31,164 I swear to God. 356 00:16:31,166 --> 00:16:33,167 Remember in the '90s all those guys were like 357 00:16:33,168 --> 00:16:34,802 just rushing to the airport? 358 00:16:34,802 --> 00:16:35,936 Because as an adult, 359 00:16:35,937 --> 00:16:38,072 today, I will fully get off a plane. 360 00:16:38,072 --> 00:16:40,140 I will go on the escalator and I will be like... 361 00:16:59,693 --> 00:17:01,395 Fucking asshole. 362 00:17:02,730 --> 00:17:05,499 Which is so unfair to you guys, you know? 363 00:17:05,500 --> 00:17:06,532 Because if you guys were to actually do that, 364 00:17:06,534 --> 00:17:07,934 it would be a complete disaster. 365 00:17:07,935 --> 00:17:10,069 If the guy I was dating showed up at the airport 366 00:17:10,070 --> 00:17:12,740 when I got off the plane, all tired and sticky and shit, 367 00:17:12,740 --> 00:17:16,644 I'd be like, dude, what the fuck are you doing? 368 00:17:16,644 --> 00:17:17,912 He'd be like oh, I just, you know, 369 00:17:17,913 --> 00:17:18,811 wanted to come surprise you at the airport. 370 00:17:18,813 --> 00:17:20,513 I'd be like, you drove to the airport? 371 00:17:20,515 --> 00:17:21,481 I drove to the airport. 372 00:17:21,482 --> 00:17:24,952 Now we have two cars at the fucking airport! 373 00:17:29,057 --> 00:17:31,191 What lot are you in? 374 00:17:31,192 --> 00:17:32,026 You're in lot B? 375 00:17:32,027 --> 00:17:34,662 We have to take a bus to your lot? 376 00:17:34,663 --> 00:17:37,398 Oh, you piece of shit! 377 00:17:38,967 --> 00:17:39,833 That's crazy, you know, 378 00:17:39,834 --> 00:17:41,067 but I think there are a lot of things 379 00:17:41,068 --> 00:17:44,570 that contribute to us being a little irritable, you know? 380 00:17:44,572 --> 00:17:46,205 I think that part of girls being crazy 381 00:17:46,207 --> 00:17:48,976 is the fact that being a female is just so frustrating. 382 00:17:48,977 --> 00:17:51,045 Like there's so much work we have to do, 383 00:17:51,046 --> 00:17:52,846 there's so much maintenance that goes into it, 384 00:17:52,846 --> 00:17:54,815 and most of what we do is to make you guys think 385 00:17:54,816 --> 00:17:56,817 we're attractive, so we're resentful, you know. 386 00:17:56,817 --> 00:18:00,186 I feel like by 9 AM we already hate you. 387 00:18:00,188 --> 00:18:02,890 Okay? Because of all this shit we have to do from 8 to 9 AM 388 00:18:02,891 --> 00:18:04,892 to make you think we're fuckin' pretty. 389 00:18:04,893 --> 00:18:05,726 Like do you know the kind of shit 390 00:18:05,727 --> 00:18:07,094 that goes on in your bathroom, sir? 391 00:18:07,095 --> 00:18:08,194 You don't know. 392 00:18:08,195 --> 00:18:09,897 You're wearing shorts. 393 00:18:19,807 --> 00:18:22,544 And what are those... are those Crocs? 394 00:18:24,746 --> 00:18:28,749 Oh my God, white people are so embarrassing. 395 00:18:28,750 --> 00:18:29,817 Unbelievable! 396 00:18:29,817 --> 00:18:31,250 And she... you don't understand the kind of stuff 397 00:18:31,251 --> 00:18:32,986 that goes on in the bathroom. 398 00:18:32,987 --> 00:18:33,854 She's working hard 399 00:18:33,855 --> 00:18:35,756 and you're wearing... your pajamas. 400 00:18:35,757 --> 00:18:37,857 This is unbelievable. 401 00:18:37,858 --> 00:18:39,660 Do you realize the things that we do? 402 00:18:39,661 --> 00:18:41,595 We spray aerosol. 403 00:18:41,596 --> 00:18:43,864 We inhale aerosol every day. 404 00:18:43,865 --> 00:18:45,164 Okay? Then we put on makeup 405 00:18:45,165 --> 00:18:47,800 which is just chemicals and poison... 406 00:18:47,801 --> 00:18:50,304 then we put on perfume which is pure alcohol. 407 00:18:50,305 --> 00:18:53,640 It's not that we bitchy... we're just high... 408 00:18:53,641 --> 00:18:54,974 most of the time. 409 00:18:54,976 --> 00:18:58,112 Bitches are just lit up everywhere. 410 00:18:58,113 --> 00:19:00,012 Have you ever seen a girl put on perfume. 411 00:19:00,013 --> 00:19:02,950 She's like eh, eh, eh... 412 00:19:02,951 --> 00:19:05,519 Ah-h-h. 413 00:19:05,519 --> 00:19:09,056 Okay, let's go. Where we going? 414 00:19:09,057 --> 00:19:10,923 The torture we put ourselves through... 415 00:19:10,924 --> 00:19:12,593 it's just annoying, you know? 416 00:19:12,594 --> 00:19:13,993 Like do you know what eyeliner is, sir? 417 00:19:13,994 --> 00:19:15,729 Do you have any idea? 418 00:19:15,730 --> 00:19:16,763 A little bit. A little bit, 419 00:19:16,765 --> 00:19:18,898 little bit, little bit. 420 00:19:18,900 --> 00:19:20,933 Sorry, I can't stop looking at your scrotum. 421 00:19:20,934 --> 00:19:22,202 Unbelievable! 422 00:19:30,178 --> 00:19:31,577 Eyeliner... no idea. 423 00:19:31,578 --> 00:19:35,150 Just based on the word eye...liner. 424 00:19:36,683 --> 00:19:38,218 Zero? 425 00:19:38,219 --> 00:19:39,353 Nothing. 426 00:19:39,354 --> 00:19:40,988 Zip. Guys don't even know. 427 00:19:40,989 --> 00:19:42,189 Do you have any idea, sir? 428 00:19:42,190 --> 00:19:43,891 - I can take a hint. - You can take a hint. 429 00:19:43,892 --> 00:19:46,593 Okay, let's see. 430 00:19:46,594 --> 00:19:48,563 You apply it to your eye. 431 00:19:51,833 --> 00:19:53,366 See, this is... he's my worst nightmare. 432 00:19:53,367 --> 00:19:55,068 This is my worst nightmare. 433 00:19:55,069 --> 00:19:56,737 This is literal guy. 434 00:19:56,738 --> 00:20:01,275 This is the guy who in a fight, he just sticks to the facts. 435 00:20:01,276 --> 00:20:03,676 To win... he's the guy who's like, 436 00:20:03,678 --> 00:20:04,811 "No, no, no I didn't say you were a bitch. 437 00:20:04,813 --> 00:20:07,315 I said you were being a bitch." 438 00:20:12,987 --> 00:20:14,988 And you're like, okay, I got to go regroup... 439 00:20:14,989 --> 00:20:16,990 I'll be right back. 440 00:20:16,990 --> 00:20:19,259 Does any guy know how eyeliner is applied? 441 00:20:19,259 --> 00:20:21,228 This amazes me. The guy has no idea. 442 00:20:21,229 --> 00:20:22,229 With a brush. 443 00:20:22,230 --> 00:20:25,999 With a brush... no! 444 00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:28,868 That's another masochistic thing we do. 445 00:20:28,869 --> 00:20:31,305 That's eye shadow... it's applied with a brush. 446 00:20:31,306 --> 00:20:32,905 The point of eye shadow is to make us look 447 00:20:32,906 --> 00:20:34,007 like we have black eyes, 448 00:20:34,008 --> 00:20:35,008 so why don't you take a good hard look at yourself 449 00:20:35,009 --> 00:20:37,979 and why you think that's attractive, sickos. 450 00:20:40,882 --> 00:20:42,115 I can't do eye shadow myself. 451 00:20:42,116 --> 00:20:43,349 It's actually difficult to do. 452 00:20:43,351 --> 00:20:45,352 I just have to be like baby, can you punch me in the face? 453 00:20:45,353 --> 00:20:46,820 I'm going to work. 454 00:20:48,856 --> 00:20:50,257 Eyeliner... nothing. 455 00:20:50,258 --> 00:20:51,258 This is amazing to me. 456 00:20:51,259 --> 00:20:52,859 Eyeliner. What's that? 457 00:20:52,861 --> 00:20:54,027 Do you know how? 458 00:20:54,028 --> 00:20:55,295 With a pen? 459 00:20:55,296 --> 00:20:57,297 No! 460 00:20:57,298 --> 00:20:59,333 What else, what's close to pen? 461 00:20:59,334 --> 00:21:01,034 - A pencil. - Pencil! 462 00:21:01,035 --> 00:21:03,369 Doesn't that sound a little fucking dangerous 463 00:21:03,371 --> 00:21:05,239 to anybody else? 464 00:21:05,240 --> 00:21:09,809 We're putting pencils in our eyeballs. 465 00:21:09,810 --> 00:21:12,246 Like I think the first thing you learn as a child 466 00:21:12,247 --> 00:21:15,848 is do not get a pencil near your eye... 467 00:21:15,849 --> 00:21:17,718 until you become an adult woman... 468 00:21:17,719 --> 00:21:18,951 in which case we want you to put it 469 00:21:18,952 --> 00:21:21,488 inside your eyeball every morning. 470 00:21:21,489 --> 00:21:23,123 We know you're probably going to do it 471 00:21:23,124 --> 00:21:25,491 while you're driving. 472 00:21:25,492 --> 00:21:26,326 We don't care... 473 00:21:26,326 --> 00:21:30,063 only way to get a man to like you. 474 00:21:30,064 --> 00:21:31,365 I was worried that it was taking 475 00:21:31,365 --> 00:21:33,400 some kind of toll on our eyesight, 476 00:21:33,401 --> 00:21:35,335 like collectively as women, you know. 477 00:21:35,336 --> 00:21:38,438 I feel like putting ink and pencils and dye... 478 00:21:38,439 --> 00:21:40,840 this has got to be bad for our vision. 479 00:21:40,842 --> 00:21:42,910 You know, sometimes women see shit 480 00:21:42,911 --> 00:21:45,913 that's just not fucking there. 481 00:21:45,913 --> 00:21:48,448 I think there's a correlation. 482 00:21:48,449 --> 00:21:49,816 I used to always accuse my ex 483 00:21:49,817 --> 00:21:50,884 of checking out hot chicks in front of me. 484 00:21:50,884 --> 00:21:52,786 He'd be like what chicks... I don't see any chicks. 485 00:21:52,787 --> 00:21:55,955 I'd be like I don't know, motherfucker. 486 00:21:55,957 --> 00:21:58,825 I don't have any peripheral vision anymore, 487 00:21:58,826 --> 00:21:59,826 from all this eyeliner. 488 00:21:59,826 --> 00:22:01,496 I see hot chicks everywhere. 489 00:22:02,864 --> 00:22:04,064 So much suffering. 490 00:22:04,065 --> 00:22:06,400 There's so much pain involved in being a girl, you know? 491 00:22:06,401 --> 00:22:07,567 I don't think women are weak. 492 00:22:07,568 --> 00:22:09,536 I think women are too strong because we just endure it. 493 00:22:09,537 --> 00:22:12,005 We just take it and don't complain about it, 494 00:22:12,006 --> 00:22:14,508 but I do think that it manifests in other ways. 495 00:22:14,509 --> 00:22:15,675 Like next time you're talking to a girl 496 00:22:15,676 --> 00:22:18,412 and you think she's acting like shitty or unreasonable, 497 00:22:18,413 --> 00:22:22,082 just remember that she's got a polyester string 498 00:22:22,083 --> 00:22:24,285 in her asshole. 499 00:22:29,523 --> 00:22:32,358 Yeah, she's probably a little stressed out, okay? 500 00:22:32,359 --> 00:22:37,029 We're all a little on edge, and I think that's probably why. 501 00:22:37,030 --> 00:22:38,498 A guy will be like what's up your ass? 502 00:22:38,499 --> 00:22:41,468 I'm like uh-h-h. 503 00:22:41,469 --> 00:22:42,568 I can tell you right now, 504 00:22:42,569 --> 00:22:47,340 it's a polyester string I paid $35 for. 505 00:22:47,342 --> 00:22:50,943 That I can't even put in the fucking dryer. 506 00:22:50,944 --> 00:22:52,180 Do you have a question? 507 00:23:00,922 --> 00:23:02,021 I can't do a lot of it, you know. 508 00:23:02,022 --> 00:23:03,222 I can't do high heels. 509 00:23:03,223 --> 00:23:04,156 I cannot do high heels 510 00:23:04,157 --> 00:23:06,093 because I feel like it makes me shitty. 511 00:23:06,094 --> 00:23:07,861 I get in a bad mood when I'm wearing high heels, 512 00:23:07,862 --> 00:23:09,528 you know. It's just so weird to me. 513 00:23:09,529 --> 00:23:11,097 Some of you guys are here with girls tonight 514 00:23:11,098 --> 00:23:14,901 whose feet are bleeding. 515 00:23:14,902 --> 00:23:16,202 But you're not doing anything about it. 516 00:23:16,203 --> 00:23:17,170 It's not even weird... 517 00:23:17,171 --> 00:23:19,038 you're not getting them a Band-Aid, nothing. 518 00:23:19,039 --> 00:23:22,308 It's just accepted that we like limp around, you know. 519 00:23:22,309 --> 00:23:25,444 I also don't like it because I feel like when I do, 520 00:23:25,445 --> 00:23:27,114 the guy that I'm with will get mad at me 521 00:23:27,115 --> 00:23:28,214 for wearing heels, you know? 522 00:23:28,215 --> 00:23:29,548 He'll go why are you wearing those high-heeled shoes? 523 00:23:29,549 --> 00:23:31,384 It's going to ruin our whole night 524 00:23:31,385 --> 00:23:33,019 because you're going to be complaining the entire time 525 00:23:33,020 --> 00:23:34,153 about your feet hurting 526 00:23:34,154 --> 00:23:35,322 and I'm going to have to go get the car 527 00:23:35,323 --> 00:23:37,290 and pull the car around. 528 00:23:37,291 --> 00:23:40,559 Like um, hey bro, I'm wearing heels 529 00:23:40,560 --> 00:23:43,931 so that you want to fuck me. 530 00:23:46,200 --> 00:23:47,200 Because if I don't, 531 00:23:47,201 --> 00:23:48,567 you're going to leave me for someone who does. 532 00:23:48,568 --> 00:23:49,635 I've seen porn, 533 00:23:49,636 --> 00:23:52,472 and none of those bitches are wearing Aerosoles. 534 00:23:59,247 --> 00:24:00,914 Just go get the car. 535 00:24:03,151 --> 00:24:04,417 Like I'm always trying to look good for guys 536 00:24:04,419 --> 00:24:06,920 and it's always backfiring on me, you know? 537 00:24:06,921 --> 00:24:08,221 Like when I'm taking too long in the bathroom... 538 00:24:08,221 --> 00:24:10,123 you're taking forever in the bathroom. 539 00:24:10,124 --> 00:24:11,258 We're going to miss our reservation. 540 00:24:11,259 --> 00:24:12,858 I'm like I'm sorry... I'm just in here 541 00:24:12,859 --> 00:24:14,394 trying to make you think I'm pretty. 542 00:24:14,394 --> 00:24:16,163 I'm not in a huge rush to get to the restaurant. 543 00:24:16,163 --> 00:24:19,098 It's not like I can eat anything once we get there anyway. 544 00:24:19,099 --> 00:24:21,334 I'm fucking starving to death. 545 00:24:21,335 --> 00:24:25,272 I haven't had bread since '95, so just be cool, man. 546 00:24:27,275 --> 00:24:28,275 Then we get in trouble for that. 547 00:24:28,276 --> 00:24:29,308 Why are you always on a diet? 548 00:24:29,309 --> 00:24:30,911 You're always on a diet. 549 00:24:30,912 --> 00:24:33,279 I'm on a diet because I'm trying to get the body 550 00:24:33,280 --> 00:24:36,884 of the women you jerk off to after I fall asleep. 551 00:24:39,252 --> 00:24:40,686 It's not just that I love lettuce. 552 00:24:40,688 --> 00:24:43,457 Okay? I don't love lettuce. 553 00:24:43,458 --> 00:24:46,326 What is the confusion. 554 00:24:46,326 --> 00:24:48,662 It's always something, man. 555 00:24:48,663 --> 00:24:50,096 Why are you always cold? 556 00:24:50,097 --> 00:24:51,198 Why are you always cold? 557 00:24:51,199 --> 00:24:52,465 You're always cold. 558 00:24:52,467 --> 00:24:58,070 I'm cold because I lasered my entire body... 559 00:24:58,072 --> 00:25:03,510 so that you would think I'm soft, you fucking pedophile. 560 00:25:19,026 --> 00:25:21,528 Unbelievable! 561 00:25:23,530 --> 00:25:25,965 Actually, there's a lot of stuff you guys don't know. 562 00:25:25,967 --> 00:25:27,134 You know there's a lot of stuff you guys don't know 563 00:25:27,134 --> 00:25:28,268 and I feel like if you knew about it, 564 00:25:28,269 --> 00:25:30,737 you'd be a little less frustrated with us, you know? 565 00:25:30,738 --> 00:25:32,172 Like there's so much stuff you guys don't know. 566 00:25:32,173 --> 00:25:35,375 Like you guys don't know about the voices. 567 00:25:38,378 --> 00:25:40,579 No one told you about that shit, huh? 568 00:25:40,580 --> 00:25:42,182 You think it's bad when our mouths are moving... 569 00:25:42,182 --> 00:25:46,252 no, that's the best case scenario. 570 00:25:46,253 --> 00:25:49,990 It's when our mouths are shut that you need to be concerned. 571 00:25:49,990 --> 00:25:53,660 Because that means we're fucking thinking. 572 00:25:53,661 --> 00:25:56,730 That's when all the problems start. 573 00:25:56,730 --> 00:25:57,663 Because I feel like in this culture 574 00:25:57,664 --> 00:26:00,433 girls are taught to be so self-critical. 575 00:26:00,434 --> 00:26:01,535 You know, we compare ourselves 576 00:26:01,536 --> 00:26:03,502 to such an impossible physical ideal 577 00:26:03,503 --> 00:26:05,404 that we're always judging ourselves. 578 00:26:05,405 --> 00:26:06,673 You know, I'm so insecure at this point 579 00:26:06,673 --> 00:26:08,708 I just have this constant inner monologue 580 00:26:08,709 --> 00:26:12,179 saying the meanest shit to me all the time. 581 00:26:12,180 --> 00:26:15,182 It's just like, "Hey, Whitney, 582 00:26:15,182 --> 00:26:18,718 "your thighs are touching... 583 00:26:18,719 --> 00:26:20,586 "You probably shouldn't have had that cheese 584 00:26:20,587 --> 00:26:24,457 "last night, you fuckin' pig. 585 00:26:24,458 --> 00:26:26,559 "You haven't gone to the gym yet today... 586 00:26:26,560 --> 00:26:29,695 "that's an interesting choice. 587 00:26:29,696 --> 00:26:33,098 "I guess you're just going to die alone. 588 00:26:33,099 --> 00:26:35,501 "Even if a man does marry you, you're so loud 589 00:26:35,502 --> 00:26:38,739 he's going to leave you for an Asian girl." 590 00:26:41,241 --> 00:26:44,711 Just the meanest stuff, constantly. 591 00:26:44,711 --> 00:26:47,780 But I feel like guys don't have that same insecurity, you know? 592 00:26:47,781 --> 00:26:49,217 Obviously. 593 00:26:53,753 --> 00:26:55,654 I don't think guys are self-critical like that. 594 00:26:55,655 --> 00:26:57,190 I feel like guys doing a monologue 595 00:26:57,191 --> 00:26:57,990 is totally different. 596 00:26:57,991 --> 00:26:59,358 I feel like guys doing a monologue 597 00:26:59,359 --> 00:27:02,429 are like, "What's up, bro? 598 00:27:02,430 --> 00:27:05,131 "Looking awesome! 599 00:27:05,132 --> 00:27:10,537 "Really killing it today, per usual. 600 00:27:10,538 --> 00:27:13,173 "Dude, I don't think you need to shave today... 601 00:27:13,173 --> 00:27:18,577 "that weird black hair growing out of your back looks cool. 602 00:27:18,578 --> 00:27:20,512 "Dude, do not shave your face. 603 00:27:20,513 --> 00:27:22,682 "Fuck your girlfriend and her bloody chin. 604 00:27:22,682 --> 00:27:25,484 "Fuck her! 605 00:27:25,486 --> 00:27:27,820 "Dude, I'm thinking you should wear 606 00:27:27,821 --> 00:27:31,192 "those awesome cargo shorts again today. 607 00:27:32,326 --> 00:27:35,395 With socks and sandals." 608 00:27:42,236 --> 00:27:44,537 Must be nice. 609 00:27:44,538 --> 00:27:47,741 Must be nice to like yourselves. 610 00:27:50,510 --> 00:27:51,778 I feel like I spend so much time 611 00:27:51,778 --> 00:27:54,413 trying to figure out what guys are thinking about, you know? 612 00:27:54,414 --> 00:27:56,348 That's like our favorite thing to do as girls, right... 613 00:27:56,349 --> 00:27:58,285 ask guys what they're thinking, you know? 614 00:27:58,286 --> 00:28:00,386 "Hey babe, what are you thinking about... " 615 00:28:00,387 --> 00:28:01,453 it's always the same shit, right? 616 00:28:01,454 --> 00:28:02,990 "Nothin'." 617 00:28:03,790 --> 00:28:05,291 Like we got to stop doing that. 618 00:28:05,292 --> 00:28:07,460 That has never gone well for any girl. 619 00:28:07,461 --> 00:28:10,696 Like no girl in the history of time was ever like 620 00:28:10,698 --> 00:28:13,799 "Hey babe, what are you thinking about..." 621 00:28:13,800 --> 00:28:16,736 And the guy was like, 622 00:28:16,737 --> 00:28:18,471 "Well... ...I'm glad you asked. 623 00:28:22,175 --> 00:28:24,344 "I was just thinking about how young you look 624 00:28:24,345 --> 00:28:26,179 "and how much I love monogamy. 625 00:28:26,180 --> 00:28:27,682 Can we talk about it?" 626 00:28:31,618 --> 00:28:33,452 No, it's always the same shit, right? 627 00:28:33,453 --> 00:28:35,154 "Nothin'." 628 00:28:35,155 --> 00:28:36,088 But, you know what... 629 00:28:36,089 --> 00:28:37,289 I've finally come to terms with the fact 630 00:28:37,290 --> 00:28:43,564 that I think guys really do think about fuckin' nothing. 631 00:28:45,700 --> 00:28:47,299 Like I feel like guys drive down the street 632 00:28:47,300 --> 00:28:50,302 and this is pretty much what goes on in your mind. 633 00:28:50,304 --> 00:28:52,772 Driving down the street just in your car... 634 00:29:01,414 --> 00:29:02,349 "Tree. 635 00:29:07,288 --> 00:29:08,288 "Tree. 636 00:29:10,124 --> 00:29:12,326 Damn, she's got big tits." 637 00:29:15,663 --> 00:29:17,430 But then that's pretty much it. 638 00:29:17,431 --> 00:29:19,633 Right? If there's no emotion, it's just like thing, 639 00:29:19,634 --> 00:29:24,371 thing, stuff, thing, thing, stuff, thing. 640 00:29:24,372 --> 00:29:27,240 But for me to drive down that same street, nightmare. 641 00:29:27,240 --> 00:29:28,040 Stress. 642 00:29:28,041 --> 00:29:30,809 Memories, emotions, triggering. 643 00:29:30,810 --> 00:29:32,378 So much drama. 644 00:29:32,380 --> 00:29:34,749 For me to drive down that same street, it's like, 645 00:29:37,417 --> 00:29:39,752 Oh my God, look at that tree. 646 00:29:39,753 --> 00:29:40,953 My ex-boyfriend had a tree in his yard. 647 00:29:40,954 --> 00:29:42,588 Oh my God! 648 00:29:42,589 --> 00:29:45,258 I miss him so much. 649 00:29:45,259 --> 00:29:46,492 Oh, look at that tree. 650 00:29:46,493 --> 00:29:47,493 That tree's thinner than me. 651 00:29:47,494 --> 00:29:49,195 What the fuck... I hate trees. 652 00:29:50,197 --> 00:29:51,798 Well, who's this bitch with the big tits? 653 00:29:53,634 --> 00:29:54,800 And that's just to get to Rite-Aid. 654 00:29:54,801 --> 00:29:56,537 It's just a saga. 655 00:29:58,772 --> 00:29:59,772 You know, I was explaining this 656 00:29:59,773 --> 00:30:00,773 to a guy friend of mine. 657 00:30:00,775 --> 00:30:02,375 I was explaining this to a guy friend of mine 658 00:30:02,375 --> 00:30:03,609 and I was just telling him, you know, 659 00:30:03,611 --> 00:30:04,810 that I think that being a girl is just more of a challenge 660 00:30:04,811 --> 00:30:07,446 sometimes because we have more to think about, you know. 661 00:30:07,448 --> 00:30:09,883 We have to worry about all this superficial stuff... 662 00:30:09,884 --> 00:30:12,585 our, you know, nails getting done, our hair, 663 00:30:12,586 --> 00:30:15,488 our clothes and matching and purses and stuff. 664 00:30:15,489 --> 00:30:17,457 He's like "Yeah, yeah, but that's not our fault. 665 00:30:17,458 --> 00:30:19,425 "That's not our fault because women don't dress for men. 666 00:30:19,426 --> 00:30:21,795 Women dress for other women." 667 00:30:21,796 --> 00:30:24,731 Does anyone fuck... I will fight you right now... 668 00:30:26,299 --> 00:30:27,099 All of you. 669 00:30:27,101 --> 00:30:29,335 Women do not dress for other women. 670 00:30:29,336 --> 00:30:31,438 That's such a ridiculous philosophy. 671 00:30:31,439 --> 00:30:33,740 Look, I've never been getting ready putting on a miniskirt 672 00:30:33,740 --> 00:30:36,509 like yeah, my waitress tonight is going to love this. 673 00:30:38,479 --> 00:30:40,913 Like, no, women do not dress for other women 674 00:30:40,914 --> 00:30:43,083 and I know this because I have girls' nights in my house. 675 00:30:43,084 --> 00:30:45,751 And when girls are alone and no guys are around, 676 00:30:45,752 --> 00:30:47,922 we look like sea creatures. 677 00:30:48,989 --> 00:30:52,959 Okay? It looks like a pirate ship crashed into my house. 678 00:30:52,960 --> 00:30:56,096 Okay? We all got dreadlocks, we're wearing slankets around, 679 00:30:56,096 --> 00:31:00,500 pajama jeans, all our leg hairs just in corn rows. 680 00:31:01,535 --> 00:31:02,903 We have our dicks hanging out. 681 00:31:05,673 --> 00:31:06,940 If a girl comes over with makeup on, 682 00:31:06,941 --> 00:31:07,973 I'm like, "Bitch, go wash your face. 683 00:31:07,974 --> 00:31:09,375 Whose team are you on?" 684 00:31:11,778 --> 00:31:12,711 I do think this idea, though, 685 00:31:12,712 --> 00:31:15,315 is kind of at the root of the philosophy 686 00:31:15,316 --> 00:31:17,517 that people think that women don't like other women. 687 00:31:17,518 --> 00:31:18,785 I think that happens because 688 00:31:18,786 --> 00:31:21,421 when we're super dressed up to impress a guy 689 00:31:21,422 --> 00:31:23,556 and we see each other, we avoid each other 690 00:31:23,557 --> 00:31:25,023 because we're so embarrassed of all the pathetic, 691 00:31:25,025 --> 00:31:27,961 desperate shit we're doing to impress a dude. 692 00:31:27,961 --> 00:31:30,529 You know, like when I'm super dressed up in a push-up bra 693 00:31:30,530 --> 00:31:33,700 and a mini dress and heels and I see a group of girls, 694 00:31:33,701 --> 00:31:35,667 I'm not like, "What's up, bitches? 695 00:31:35,669 --> 00:31:37,671 I don't think you're ready for this jelly." 696 00:31:39,606 --> 00:31:41,406 No! When I see a group of girls, 697 00:31:41,407 --> 00:31:43,977 I'm so humiliated at all the dumb, 698 00:31:43,978 --> 00:31:47,046 slutty shit I'm doing, I'm like, "Oh God, hi. 699 00:31:47,047 --> 00:31:48,714 "Um... 700 00:31:48,715 --> 00:31:50,817 "I know this is bad. 701 00:31:50,817 --> 00:31:54,554 "It's just that he's really shallow and um, 702 00:31:54,555 --> 00:31:57,123 "I'm in my 30's now, so I've got to make a move, 703 00:31:57,124 --> 00:31:57,957 "you know what I mean... 704 00:31:57,958 --> 00:32:01,828 and he's got a 401k... you get it." 705 00:32:05,365 --> 00:32:06,231 I don't like that idea 706 00:32:06,232 --> 00:32:07,467 that women don't like other women. 707 00:32:07,468 --> 00:32:08,433 I don't think that's true. 708 00:32:08,434 --> 00:32:10,403 I just think that women support other women 709 00:32:10,403 --> 00:32:11,436 when it really counts. 710 00:32:11,438 --> 00:32:13,472 You know, we come in and have each other's back 711 00:32:13,473 --> 00:32:14,406 when it really counts... 712 00:32:14,407 --> 00:32:16,476 like when we go to the bathroom together. 713 00:32:16,477 --> 00:32:17,809 You want to know what's going on in there? 714 00:32:17,810 --> 00:32:19,578 There's one girl having a bad night, 715 00:32:19,579 --> 00:32:21,614 a bunch of bitches who have never met each other 716 00:32:21,615 --> 00:32:24,851 in their lives are like soldiers at war, 717 00:32:24,852 --> 00:32:27,987 nursing each other's wounds. 718 00:32:27,988 --> 00:32:29,556 One girl is on the floor... I'm like, all right, 719 00:32:29,557 --> 00:32:30,490 pull those Spanx up. 720 00:32:30,490 --> 00:32:32,458 Somebody get a Band-Aid for that blister. 721 00:32:32,459 --> 00:32:34,059 Someone... her eyebrow just melted off... 722 00:32:34,060 --> 00:32:36,930 gotta get a Sharpie to draw that shit back on. 723 00:32:36,931 --> 00:32:38,798 All right, someone get some Super Glue for those eye lashes. 724 00:32:38,798 --> 00:32:40,098 Her hair extensions just fell out... 725 00:32:40,099 --> 00:32:41,034 someone get a stapler 726 00:32:41,035 --> 00:32:43,970 to staple that horsehair back on her head. 727 00:32:43,971 --> 00:32:45,572 Now, bitch, you wipe the tears off your tits 728 00:32:45,573 --> 00:32:47,707 and you listen to me right now. 729 00:32:47,708 --> 00:32:48,840 You're going to go back out there, 730 00:32:48,842 --> 00:32:50,777 put a smile on your face and pretend he's interesting. 731 00:32:50,778 --> 00:32:52,546 Go! 732 00:32:56,517 --> 00:32:57,684 Thank you! 733 00:33:05,092 --> 00:33:06,125 I don't like that at all. 734 00:33:06,125 --> 00:33:08,694 I think when women are nasty with other women, 735 00:33:08,695 --> 00:33:09,628 it's much more subtle, 736 00:33:09,630 --> 00:33:11,564 like it's much more insidious, you know. 737 00:33:11,565 --> 00:33:12,932 Like I have this girlfriend, every time I see her, 738 00:33:12,932 --> 00:33:13,932 she'd be like, 739 00:33:13,933 --> 00:33:18,538 "Hey, hooker. 's up, slut?" 740 00:33:18,538 --> 00:33:20,640 Which that's never going to feel good, you know? 741 00:33:20,641 --> 00:33:22,508 But to me it's just a reminder that I think we need to stop 742 00:33:22,509 --> 00:33:24,676 using the word hooker as a pejorative term. 743 00:33:24,678 --> 00:33:25,912 I have a lot of respect for hookers. 744 00:33:25,913 --> 00:33:27,779 I think they work very hard and they do a lot of the jobs 745 00:33:27,780 --> 00:33:29,849 that we don't want to fucking do. 746 00:33:32,452 --> 00:33:35,221 They are cleaning up a lot of messes out there. 747 00:33:35,221 --> 00:33:37,391 They are American heroes. 748 00:33:40,827 --> 00:33:41,994 I also think hookers look at us 749 00:33:41,996 --> 00:33:43,997 like we're the idiots, you know? 750 00:33:43,998 --> 00:33:45,597 They look at us and they're like, 751 00:33:45,598 --> 00:33:48,102 "Those bitches are having sex for free? 752 00:33:49,603 --> 00:33:51,904 What a bunch of fuckin' whores." 753 00:33:57,810 --> 00:33:58,811 So silly. 754 00:34:03,651 --> 00:34:04,616 I don't know, man. 755 00:34:04,617 --> 00:34:05,751 I feel like when I was trying to figure out 756 00:34:05,752 --> 00:34:07,920 what guys were thinking about, I came across some stuff 757 00:34:07,921 --> 00:34:09,655 that was just too discouraging, you know. 758 00:34:09,657 --> 00:34:10,489 Like I came across an article 759 00:34:10,490 --> 00:34:11,791 that said that guys think about sex 760 00:34:11,791 --> 00:34:14,059 at least every five minutes. 761 00:34:14,061 --> 00:34:16,195 Was that like disturbing, right? 762 00:34:16,195 --> 00:34:19,599 Like you guys are responsible for like really important shit 763 00:34:19,599 --> 00:34:21,034 like wars and bombs, 764 00:34:21,034 --> 00:34:24,670 and you guys can't focus for five fucking minutes... 765 00:34:24,672 --> 00:34:27,673 Like important men are thinking about sex 766 00:34:27,675 --> 00:34:30,510 every five minutes which is like Barack Obama 767 00:34:30,510 --> 00:34:31,577 thinks about sex every five minutes 768 00:34:31,577 --> 00:34:33,211 which probably explains why he's always stuttering 769 00:34:33,213 --> 00:34:34,246 during his fucking speeches. 770 00:34:34,248 --> 00:34:35,882 It's like, dude, 771 00:34:35,882 --> 00:34:37,949 get your shit together, man, you know? 772 00:34:37,951 --> 00:34:38,951 But you'll see it happen. 773 00:34:38,952 --> 00:34:39,885 You'll see him giving a speech 774 00:34:39,887 --> 00:34:42,255 and you'll see that five-minute mark hit. 775 00:34:42,255 --> 00:34:44,090 You'll see sex enter his mind. 776 00:34:44,090 --> 00:34:45,958 He'll be like, "We're going to go into Afghanistan 777 00:34:45,958 --> 00:34:48,795 "and we're going to discuss the... 778 00:34:48,795 --> 00:34:49,628 "um, we're going to, 779 00:34:49,630 --> 00:34:51,764 "ah, we're going to get on the, uh, 780 00:34:53,132 --> 00:34:54,266 Dude, I just saw that, man. 781 00:34:54,268 --> 00:34:56,768 You were just thinking about titties... Afghan titties. 782 00:34:56,769 --> 00:34:58,137 I saw it happen. 783 00:35:01,342 --> 00:35:02,175 It's just concerning to me. 784 00:35:02,175 --> 00:35:03,175 I feel like there are a lot of jobs 785 00:35:03,177 --> 00:35:05,811 where you guys probably need to focus, right? 786 00:35:05,813 --> 00:35:08,614 Like heart surgeons think about sex every five minutes 787 00:35:08,614 --> 00:35:11,150 and heart surgeries are like five hours long, 788 00:35:11,150 --> 00:35:12,851 so that's like 60 times. 789 00:35:12,853 --> 00:35:14,619 Like you know heart surgeons are just sitting there 790 00:35:14,621 --> 00:35:15,420 looking at an open heart 791 00:35:15,422 --> 00:35:18,525 like yeah, I'd put my dick in that. 792 00:35:24,797 --> 00:35:25,932 I said it. 793 00:35:28,768 --> 00:35:30,670 It's kind of weird, though, that guys think about sex. 794 00:35:30,670 --> 00:35:32,938 Like we've accepted it so much as a society now. 795 00:35:32,940 --> 00:35:34,239 You know, it's so institutionalized. 796 00:35:34,240 --> 00:35:35,775 We've embraced it, you know. 797 00:35:35,775 --> 00:35:37,242 Like there's just a restaurant called Hooters... 798 00:35:37,244 --> 00:35:39,277 that's just a restaurant. 799 00:35:39,278 --> 00:35:40,880 Whereas there would never be a restaurant like that 800 00:35:40,880 --> 00:35:44,550 for women, you know, called like Dongs. 801 00:35:45,885 --> 00:35:48,653 Where all the waiters were like in Speedos and shit 802 00:35:48,655 --> 00:35:51,724 because that would be a disgusting fucking restaurant. 803 00:35:54,728 --> 00:35:56,530 Nobody would ever eat there. 804 00:35:57,898 --> 00:36:00,400 We do not want to see your flaccid dicks in spandex... 805 00:36:00,400 --> 00:36:01,467 I gotta be honest. 806 00:36:01,467 --> 00:36:03,836 It looks like a hamster stuck in a water balloon. 807 00:36:08,775 --> 00:36:11,643 No. No. 808 00:36:11,644 --> 00:36:18,150 So it's like some weird shitake mushroom coming out... 809 00:36:18,152 --> 00:36:19,952 It's always going up like a snorkel. 810 00:36:19,952 --> 00:36:21,653 Like why is it up? 811 00:36:21,655 --> 00:36:22,989 Get it down there! 812 00:36:22,989 --> 00:36:24,891 It's always like on one side, all mis... 813 00:36:24,891 --> 00:36:29,327 why is it so misallocated? 814 00:36:29,329 --> 00:36:30,563 Disgusting. 815 00:36:32,231 --> 00:36:33,932 Like if there was going to be a restaurant like that 816 00:36:33,934 --> 00:36:36,168 for women where the waiters were dressed up 817 00:36:36,170 --> 00:36:38,838 to arouse the women eating there, 818 00:36:38,838 --> 00:36:40,039 they would not be in Speedos, okay? 819 00:36:40,039 --> 00:36:43,041 They'd be wearing suits, carrying briefcases, 820 00:36:43,043 --> 00:36:45,244 holding up their perfect credit reports. 821 00:36:50,284 --> 00:36:51,483 Like I feel like girls 822 00:36:51,485 --> 00:36:56,155 don't need like sex while we're doing our jobs, you know. 823 00:36:56,155 --> 00:36:57,956 Right? Like you would never turn on the Cooking Channel 824 00:36:57,958 --> 00:37:00,927 and see like a bunch of shirtless dudes 825 00:37:00,927 --> 00:37:03,829 like yeah, girl, ooh, yeah, yeah. 826 00:37:03,831 --> 00:37:06,965 Just put that butter on the pan, girl. 827 00:37:06,967 --> 00:37:09,335 Just get it in the roast. 828 00:37:10,804 --> 00:37:13,172 I just realized I don't know anything about cooking. 829 00:37:15,175 --> 00:37:17,710 Did you see the wheels just turning there? 830 00:37:19,246 --> 00:37:21,414 Like it wasn't even clo... Roast? 831 00:37:21,414 --> 00:37:25,418 No one does a roast anymore. 832 00:37:25,418 --> 00:37:26,719 I'm going to work on that. 833 00:37:28,922 --> 00:37:30,655 You guys just need sex all the time. 834 00:37:30,657 --> 00:37:32,757 Like in completely nonsexual situations, 835 00:37:32,759 --> 00:37:33,925 guys need sex, you know. 836 00:37:33,927 --> 00:37:35,260 Like sports, perfect example. 837 00:37:35,262 --> 00:37:36,262 Football. 838 00:37:36,262 --> 00:37:37,362 You guys are watching football 839 00:37:37,364 --> 00:37:39,297 and you've got these amazing athletes on the field 840 00:37:39,298 --> 00:37:41,300 doing amazing things, incredible. 841 00:37:41,300 --> 00:37:43,436 They're flying, they're doing phenomenal things. 842 00:37:43,436 --> 00:37:44,436 Not enough for you. 843 00:37:44,438 --> 00:37:48,407 You still need whores around the perimeter... 844 00:37:49,710 --> 00:37:51,911 of the field. 845 00:37:51,911 --> 00:37:53,411 God forbid there'd be two seconds 846 00:37:53,413 --> 00:37:56,916 without a tit in the background of something you're watching. 847 00:37:59,286 --> 00:38:00,920 Cheerleaders crack me up, man. 848 00:38:00,920 --> 00:38:01,887 So funny to me because 849 00:38:01,889 --> 00:38:04,891 that's so obviously a guy's idea, you know. 850 00:38:04,891 --> 00:38:06,291 Like a guy obviously thought of that 851 00:38:06,293 --> 00:38:08,327 because the cheerleaders still cheer 852 00:38:08,327 --> 00:38:11,364 even when their team is fucking losing... 853 00:38:11,364 --> 00:38:12,331 they cheer. 854 00:38:12,331 --> 00:38:13,733 No real women would ever act like that. 855 00:38:13,733 --> 00:38:14,567 If her man was out on the field 856 00:38:14,568 --> 00:38:17,369 for five hours on a Sunday bombing, 857 00:38:17,371 --> 00:38:19,338 she wouldn't be like go, baby, go, go. 858 00:38:19,338 --> 00:38:21,708 She'd be like Jason, we're leaving. 859 00:38:22,842 --> 00:38:25,311 First of all, you're embarrassing me, okay? 860 00:38:25,311 --> 00:38:27,012 Second of all, I'm freezing cold, 861 00:38:27,014 --> 00:38:29,315 I have to pee, and Target closes in 20 minutes. 862 00:38:29,315 --> 00:38:30,384 Wrap it up. 863 00:38:35,088 --> 00:38:36,856 I think I figured out why guys like sex more. 864 00:38:36,856 --> 00:38:37,956 I think it's biological. 865 00:38:37,958 --> 00:38:39,391 I think it's because sex is so much better for guys. 866 00:38:39,393 --> 00:38:40,726 You know, it's so much easier. 867 00:38:40,726 --> 00:38:42,260 Like for a guy... sex is better for guys 868 00:38:42,262 --> 00:38:44,429 because it's so much easier for you guys to have an orgasm. 869 00:38:44,431 --> 00:38:45,898 You know, like for a guy to have an orgasm, 870 00:38:45,898 --> 00:38:49,469 it's just like... it's like you just... 871 00:38:56,476 --> 00:38:58,077 Pretty much all that has to happen 872 00:38:58,077 --> 00:39:00,847 is you just have to kind of walk into something or... 873 00:39:05,217 --> 00:39:08,487 There has to be like a drizzle out, you know. 874 00:39:08,487 --> 00:39:11,090 Which, by the way, I have narrowed down men's orgasms 875 00:39:11,090 --> 00:39:13,224 to three basic categories. 876 00:39:13,226 --> 00:39:16,096 Like there's three basic ones... 877 00:39:19,266 --> 00:39:22,534 The first one is like you just got shot in the back 878 00:39:22,536 --> 00:39:23,936 with an arrow... 879 00:39:30,443 --> 00:39:32,846 The second one is like you're puking... 880 00:39:38,518 --> 00:39:40,251 And the third one is a rare one, 881 00:39:40,253 --> 00:39:44,257 but it's for the guys that are like secretly psychos 882 00:39:44,257 --> 00:39:46,791 and they hate women and it'll come out like 883 00:39:46,793 --> 00:39:49,260 right at the finish line, you know, like out of nowhere. 884 00:39:49,262 --> 00:39:51,963 They'll be like yeah, I love you, I need you, yeah. 885 00:39:51,965 --> 00:39:53,733 Shut up, you dumb whore! 886 00:39:57,271 --> 00:39:59,304 I'm like, oh no! 887 00:39:59,306 --> 00:40:00,907 I thought we were in love. 888 00:40:03,443 --> 00:40:05,443 You know for a woman to have an orgasm it is so hard... 889 00:40:05,445 --> 00:40:08,079 it is so hard to have an orgasm. 890 00:40:08,081 --> 00:40:10,016 It's... I cannot wait to have one. 891 00:40:10,016 --> 00:40:11,184 I hear they're great. 892 00:40:14,121 --> 00:40:15,621 I mean seriously, for a girl to have an orgasm, 893 00:40:15,621 --> 00:40:18,224 you've got to be like... you've got to be like focused. 894 00:40:18,224 --> 00:40:20,893 You have to be like emotionally connected. 895 00:40:20,893 --> 00:40:22,128 You've got to be relaxed. 896 00:40:22,128 --> 00:40:25,030 You've got to be in great shape, and it makes it even harder 897 00:40:25,032 --> 00:40:25,898 because you guys watch porn 898 00:40:25,898 --> 00:40:27,400 and you think that the porn stars 899 00:40:27,400 --> 00:40:29,568 are having orgasms, but they're all faking it 900 00:40:29,568 --> 00:40:31,469 and they make it look so fucking easy. 901 00:40:31,471 --> 00:40:33,438 Like porn stars will be just like' "Ooh, I'm coming, 902 00:40:33,440 --> 00:40:35,074 I'm coming, I'm coming." 903 00:40:38,612 --> 00:40:39,545 That's nothing. 904 00:40:39,545 --> 00:40:43,083 That's she's coming down from a meth binge. 905 00:40:45,085 --> 00:40:46,217 Nothing's happening to her. 906 00:40:46,219 --> 00:40:47,619 I can't compete with that, you know. 907 00:40:47,621 --> 00:40:49,954 Like if your girl is having an orgasm, 908 00:40:49,956 --> 00:40:52,090 she's not going ooh, I'm coming, I'm coming. 909 00:40:52,092 --> 00:40:53,391 If your girl is having an orgasm, 910 00:40:53,393 --> 00:40:55,996 she's going' "Do not fucking moon!" 911 00:40:58,331 --> 00:41:01,032 I swear to God, I will fucking kill you. 912 00:41:01,034 --> 00:41:02,101 Bastard! Slower. 913 00:41:02,101 --> 00:41:02,967 Tell me you love me... 914 00:41:02,969 --> 00:41:04,570 you better fucking mean it this time! 915 00:41:05,905 --> 00:41:08,673 Kiss me on the mouth, goddamnit! 916 00:41:08,675 --> 00:41:10,911 Pull my hair, not the extensions! 917 00:41:12,079 --> 00:41:14,047 Shut up, you dumb whore! 918 00:41:31,398 --> 00:41:32,597 Seriously, for me to have an orgasm, 919 00:41:32,599 --> 00:41:36,601 like my right leg has to be behind my left shoulder... 920 00:41:36,603 --> 00:41:37,603 Like you've got a charleyhorse 921 00:41:37,603 --> 00:41:39,271 in your ass, you know. 922 00:41:39,271 --> 00:41:42,141 You got those crazy bloodshot eyes going, 923 00:41:42,141 --> 00:41:43,442 veins in our foreheads. 924 00:41:43,443 --> 00:41:47,347 Our foreheads look like your dicks... just veins... 925 00:41:55,155 --> 00:41:56,355 I know it's not easy for you guys, either. 926 00:41:56,356 --> 00:41:59,625 Now you guys have to like do so much work. 927 00:41:59,626 --> 00:42:01,327 You guys have to hit the same spot 928 00:42:01,327 --> 00:42:03,496 like 500 times, you know. 929 00:42:03,496 --> 00:42:05,630 That's why I like to be helpful during sex, you know. 930 00:42:05,632 --> 00:42:08,333 That's why I treat sex like the game "Operation". 931 00:42:08,335 --> 00:42:10,670 If the guy misses, I'm just like... 932 00:42:23,449 --> 00:42:25,483 I used to be very against porn, you know. 933 00:42:25,485 --> 00:42:28,387 I thought it was bad for women and like degrading and shit, 934 00:42:28,387 --> 00:42:30,054 but now I kind of like it. 935 00:42:30,056 --> 00:42:32,525 Uh, because you know why... because I watched it, 936 00:42:32,525 --> 00:42:35,260 and when I watched it, I learned so much stuff 937 00:42:35,262 --> 00:42:37,262 that I had to be kind of grateful for it. 938 00:42:37,264 --> 00:42:38,329 I learned watching porn 939 00:42:38,331 --> 00:42:42,568 that the girls in porn they'll request to the man 940 00:42:42,568 --> 00:42:44,369 where they want him to finish 941 00:42:44,371 --> 00:42:46,606 which I didn't know that was an option. 942 00:42:48,041 --> 00:42:51,110 See, nobody told me that we had a vote in that. 943 00:42:51,110 --> 00:42:55,079 I've just been taking whatever shots have been coming at me... 944 00:42:55,081 --> 00:42:58,349 since 1998... I don't know. 945 00:42:58,351 --> 00:43:01,054 I feel like I've been storming the shores of Normandy... 946 00:43:04,356 --> 00:43:05,525 That's a history joke. 947 00:43:08,295 --> 00:43:10,663 I don't know. Now that I know that's an option... 948 00:43:10,664 --> 00:43:13,666 to request where you'd want the man to finish... 949 00:43:13,666 --> 00:43:15,201 I'm I'm ready. 950 00:43:15,202 --> 00:43:16,603 Now I've got some ideas. 951 00:43:18,070 --> 00:43:20,773 Maybe like, yeah, I really want you to come... 952 00:43:20,773 --> 00:43:22,541 In the bathroom? 953 00:43:24,777 --> 00:43:26,277 You just want to time that out... 954 00:43:26,278 --> 00:43:28,081 whatever you've got to do to just... 955 00:43:34,221 --> 00:43:35,322 In the sink! 956 00:43:39,693 --> 00:43:40,726 I like the big one, though. 957 00:43:40,726 --> 00:43:43,628 The big one in porn is the coming on the face. 958 00:43:43,630 --> 00:43:45,463 That's the big one, right? 959 00:43:45,465 --> 00:43:47,467 Yeah. 960 00:43:49,501 --> 00:43:50,804 Let's talk about it. 961 00:43:52,771 --> 00:43:53,905 Like I really think that as a society 962 00:43:53,907 --> 00:43:57,775 we kind of need to discuss why we like this so much, 963 00:43:57,777 --> 00:44:01,246 you know, and why you guys think that we like love it. 964 00:44:01,248 --> 00:44:04,115 Like who told you that we like need it? 965 00:44:04,117 --> 00:44:07,686 No, nobody ever wants this to happen to them. 966 00:44:07,686 --> 00:44:10,188 If a girl asks you to come on her face, 967 00:44:10,190 --> 00:44:12,592 it's because she thinks you're going to breakup with her. 968 00:44:14,293 --> 00:44:16,630 Always buys you at least another month or so. 969 00:44:18,331 --> 00:44:20,865 My problem with it is like the second it's over. 970 00:44:20,867 --> 00:44:22,101 You know, I try to be fun. 971 00:44:22,101 --> 00:44:24,469 You know while it's happening I can get into it, you know, 972 00:44:24,471 --> 00:44:25,471 because while it's happening 973 00:44:25,472 --> 00:44:28,139 you can be like yeah, yeah, yeah, ooh, yeah. 974 00:44:28,141 --> 00:44:30,476 Look at us. Yeah, hit me, hit me. 975 00:44:30,476 --> 00:44:32,210 Yeah, ooh, yeah. 976 00:44:32,211 --> 00:44:33,378 We are so crazy. 977 00:44:33,380 --> 00:44:35,715 We are wild and crazy... 978 00:44:57,304 --> 00:44:59,639 Can I get like a towel or something? 979 00:45:01,708 --> 00:45:03,775 Or maybe like a baby wipe or some... 980 00:45:03,777 --> 00:45:05,577 or maybe like a pick ax 981 00:45:05,577 --> 00:45:06,811 because now it's turned to stone. 982 00:45:06,813 --> 00:45:09,782 I can't open my fucking eyes. 983 00:45:09,782 --> 00:45:10,849 He's not going to help you. 984 00:45:10,849 --> 00:45:13,353 He's too busy taking photos to send his friends. 985 00:45:18,157 --> 00:45:19,259 You guys are animals. 986 00:45:20,726 --> 00:45:21,559 But I get why guys watch porn. 987 00:45:21,561 --> 00:45:23,528 I get it now because it's so obvious. 988 00:45:23,530 --> 00:45:25,431 It's just that naked women are hot. 989 00:45:25,431 --> 00:45:27,565 All naked women are hot. 990 00:45:27,567 --> 00:45:29,400 You know, there's so much to look at, yeah. 991 00:45:29,402 --> 00:45:31,269 It's disgusting of you. 992 00:45:31,271 --> 00:45:32,371 You're with a date, man. 993 00:45:32,371 --> 00:45:34,639 That's going to be a fight. 994 00:45:34,641 --> 00:45:35,641 But, right? 995 00:45:35,641 --> 00:45:36,442 All boobs and butts... 996 00:45:36,443 --> 00:45:38,277 they all look amazing, you know? 997 00:45:38,277 --> 00:45:39,378 That's why you guys watch porn. 998 00:45:39,378 --> 00:45:42,780 Girls don't watch porn as much because naked guys... 999 00:45:42,782 --> 00:45:43,782 uck! 1000 00:45:44,918 --> 00:45:46,617 Such a bummer, you know. 1001 00:45:46,619 --> 00:45:47,719 It's just such a... 1002 00:45:47,721 --> 00:45:51,657 this whole Wes Craven situation you got going on... 1003 00:45:51,657 --> 00:45:54,425 it's just disgusting, you know. 1004 00:45:54,427 --> 00:45:56,228 It's a lot... it's a lot to take. 1005 00:45:56,228 --> 00:45:58,429 Because like when a dick comes on the screen, 1006 00:45:58,431 --> 00:46:01,699 we're not like yeah, "Look at that dick. 1007 00:46:01,701 --> 00:46:03,635 Yeah, I want that dick." 1008 00:46:03,637 --> 00:46:05,871 No. When a dick comes on the screen, 1009 00:46:05,871 --> 00:46:07,606 we're like, "Oh, there's a dick. 1010 00:46:16,750 --> 00:46:17,550 "What's it doing? 1011 00:46:18,885 --> 00:46:20,485 "What's the dick doing? Does it see me? 1012 00:46:20,487 --> 00:46:21,521 Does the dick see me?" 1013 00:46:22,722 --> 00:46:26,358 Like there's just nothing attractive about it, you know. 1014 00:46:26,358 --> 00:46:27,893 Like dicks are so ugly... 1015 00:46:29,929 --> 00:46:32,197 that the second you guys are born, 1016 00:46:32,197 --> 00:46:34,501 someone has to cut some of it off. 1017 00:46:38,771 --> 00:46:41,775 To make it even somewhat presentable to society. 1018 00:46:43,643 --> 00:46:45,811 You guys love your dicks though, man, you love them. 1019 00:46:45,811 --> 00:46:47,179 You're going yeah! 1020 00:46:48,313 --> 00:46:49,914 Dicks! 1021 00:46:49,916 --> 00:46:52,418 You guys walk around, you lead with it. 1022 00:46:52,418 --> 00:46:55,621 Lead with it, just walking around, just letting it go. 1023 00:46:55,621 --> 00:46:57,922 Yeah, just loving my dick. 1024 00:46:57,923 --> 00:47:00,003 You know when you guys are alone, you're just like... 1025 00:47:13,338 --> 00:47:15,873 You guys walk around so proud of it. 1026 00:47:15,875 --> 00:47:17,876 You guys walk around like you got a first place trophy 1027 00:47:17,876 --> 00:47:19,411 in-between your legs. 1028 00:47:20,413 --> 00:47:21,380 I got news for you... 1029 00:47:21,380 --> 00:47:23,215 it doesn't look like a first place trophy. 1030 00:47:24,016 --> 00:47:25,751 Looks like an old yam. 1031 00:47:28,755 --> 00:47:29,822 Have you seen it? 1032 00:47:29,822 --> 00:47:31,690 Have you... you know what... no, you haven't seen it 1033 00:47:31,690 --> 00:47:34,427 because your hand is always on it. 1034 00:47:35,661 --> 00:47:38,264 You've never actually seen it before. 1035 00:47:40,500 --> 00:47:41,532 Always touchin' it. 1036 00:47:41,534 --> 00:47:43,534 Always touchin' it, touchin' it, touchin' it. 1037 00:47:43,536 --> 00:47:46,070 What do you... what are you do... Are you cleaning it off, 1038 00:47:46,072 --> 00:47:49,242 like are you trying to get three wishes out of it? 1039 00:47:50,777 --> 00:47:51,809 Leave it alone. 1040 00:47:51,811 --> 00:47:54,947 Just let it just dry off. 1041 00:47:57,916 --> 00:47:58,750 You know what that means, right? 1042 00:47:58,751 --> 00:47:59,918 You're always touching your dicks. 1043 00:47:59,918 --> 00:48:01,719 You know what that means... you got dick on your hands... 1044 00:48:01,721 --> 00:48:02,753 all of you. 1045 00:48:02,755 --> 00:48:04,356 You have dick, dick, dick, dick, dicking hands. 1046 00:48:04,356 --> 00:48:05,425 All of you. 1047 00:48:06,760 --> 00:48:07,992 You see guys know that. 1048 00:48:07,994 --> 00:48:08,960 Guys are in on it. 1049 00:48:08,961 --> 00:48:09,994 That's why guys are always giving each other 1050 00:48:09,996 --> 00:48:11,331 the fist pump. 1051 00:48:14,634 --> 00:48:15,934 They know, you know. 1052 00:48:18,036 --> 00:48:19,670 Did you ever see two guys walk towards each other? 1053 00:48:19,672 --> 00:48:21,405 Like hey man, what's up, man? Yeah, yeah. 1054 00:48:21,407 --> 00:48:22,340 Oh, yeah, yeah. 1055 00:48:22,342 --> 00:48:24,021 I've been touching my dick today, too, man. 1056 00:48:26,079 --> 00:48:27,378 Yeah, we both got dicks. 1057 00:48:27,380 --> 00:48:28,547 We got dicks. 1058 00:48:29,748 --> 00:48:30,715 Like that's like your whole day. 1059 00:48:30,717 --> 00:48:35,922 Just like eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh. 1060 00:48:45,030 --> 00:48:47,365 That's the trick. That is the trick of dating 1061 00:48:47,367 --> 00:48:48,666 is that when you get back out there, 1062 00:48:48,668 --> 00:48:51,103 you've got to see all these new dicks, you know? 1063 00:48:51,103 --> 00:48:53,505 I know, it's a lot. 1064 00:48:53,505 --> 00:48:54,940 Like when you live with someone for awhile 1065 00:48:54,940 --> 00:48:55,806 or you're married, 1066 00:48:55,807 --> 00:48:57,543 you get used to their dick, you know? 1067 00:48:57,543 --> 00:48:58,710 It's like it grows on you. 1068 00:48:58,710 --> 00:49:00,144 It's like a basset hound... 1069 00:49:00,146 --> 00:49:02,481 like it's ugly but it's yours. 1070 00:49:04,717 --> 00:49:05,717 You know. 1071 00:49:08,021 --> 00:49:11,023 It'll come over and like hey, what are you doing? 1072 00:49:12,324 --> 00:49:14,360 You're like hi, dick, what's u-up? 1073 00:49:15,327 --> 00:49:16,327 Do you want to hang out? 1074 00:49:16,329 --> 00:49:18,730 No, not really. 1075 00:49:18,731 --> 00:49:19,731 But when you're single, 1076 00:49:19,731 --> 00:49:21,699 man, you've got to see all these new dicks. 1077 00:49:21,701 --> 00:49:22,668 You know, you've got to, 1078 00:49:22,668 --> 00:49:24,936 you've got to really get in there, you know. 1079 00:49:24,938 --> 00:49:26,471 But the problem is when you see a new dick 1080 00:49:26,472 --> 00:49:27,338 because every new dick 1081 00:49:27,340 --> 00:49:32,510 is a whole new set of WebMD searches. 1082 00:49:32,512 --> 00:49:34,012 You know. You've got to inspect the new ones. 1083 00:49:34,012 --> 00:49:35,146 You've got to make sure everything's legit. 1084 00:49:35,148 --> 00:49:37,481 You've got to make sure everything's, you know, safe. 1085 00:49:37,483 --> 00:49:39,150 You know, but the problem is 1086 00:49:39,152 --> 00:49:41,887 when you get that close to a dick, 1087 00:49:41,887 --> 00:49:43,822 you're that close to a dick. 1088 00:49:45,123 --> 00:49:48,393 You know what happens when you're that close to a dick. 1089 00:49:48,393 --> 00:49:50,429 Yeah. 1090 00:49:50,429 --> 00:49:52,110 You've got to put that thing in your mouth. 1091 00:49:54,199 --> 00:49:56,134 And it's not because we want to... 1092 00:49:56,135 --> 00:49:59,503 it's because something happens when a woman's face 1093 00:49:59,505 --> 00:50:03,541 is within like a foot of a man's dick 1094 00:50:03,543 --> 00:50:05,644 where a hand will come down... 1095 00:50:10,949 --> 00:50:13,452 And you can't get out... it moves with you. 1096 00:50:17,523 --> 00:50:18,824 Oh shit! 1097 00:50:24,563 --> 00:50:26,032 Fine! 1098 00:50:29,835 --> 00:50:31,503 That is so rude! 1099 00:50:33,840 --> 00:50:35,507 Man, I don't mean to be mean about it... 1100 00:50:35,507 --> 00:50:36,775 I just feel like you guys don't see it 1101 00:50:36,775 --> 00:50:38,242 from our perspective, you know. 1102 00:50:38,244 --> 00:50:40,112 You don't see what we see. 1103 00:50:40,112 --> 00:50:40,978 You know, we've got to see 1104 00:50:40,980 --> 00:50:43,715 this super weird transformation happen 1105 00:50:43,715 --> 00:50:45,983 that is so creepy, you know. 1106 00:50:45,985 --> 00:50:47,052 Here's the thing... 1107 00:50:47,052 --> 00:50:54,293 anything that changes in shape, size, and color 1108 00:50:54,293 --> 00:50:58,130 without your permission is a little fucking weird. 1109 00:50:58,130 --> 00:50:59,164 You know. 1110 00:50:59,164 --> 00:51:00,998 Like from our point of view, it is terrifying. 1111 00:51:01,000 --> 00:51:02,668 Like this is what it looks like from our point of view, 1112 00:51:02,668 --> 00:51:03,601 just so you guys know. 1113 00:51:03,603 --> 00:51:07,005 Okay, it'll start out 1114 00:51:07,005 --> 00:51:08,840 just hanging, chilling. 1115 00:51:10,842 --> 00:51:12,878 You're touchin' it, touchin' it. 1116 00:51:19,251 --> 00:51:20,818 Then you're like... 1117 00:51:20,820 --> 00:51:23,021 it'll hear like a noise or... 1118 00:51:29,929 --> 00:51:31,030 Um? 1119 00:51:50,849 --> 00:51:52,684 "Would you like to play?" 1120 00:51:54,586 --> 00:51:56,188 I love you guys. Thank you so much 1121 00:51:56,188 --> 00:51:59,623 for coming down for the show, everybody. 1122 00:51:59,625 --> 00:52:00,626 Thank you. 1123 00:52:38,063 --> 00:52:41,233 I just want to say I really appreciate you guys coming out. 1124 00:52:41,233 --> 00:52:43,367 Standup is my favorite thing to do in the world 1125 00:52:43,369 --> 00:52:44,302 and I do it for you guys. 1126 00:52:44,302 --> 00:52:46,804 So, thank you so much for supporting me. 1127 00:52:46,806 --> 00:52:49,108 I love you very much. 1128 00:52:56,882 --> 00:52:58,918 Bye, everybody. 1129 00:53:27,168 --> 00:55:13,628 Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells http://UKsubtitles.ru. 85805