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1
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♪ men. ♪
2
00:00:03,368 --> 00:00:05,296
Gee, that's too bad, Jake.
3
00:00:05,496 --> 00:00:06,696
Sore throat and a runny nose.
4
00:00:08,752 --> 00:00:10,586
Oh, yeah. Yeah,
I guess you should
5
00:00:10,587 --> 00:00:13,088
stay at your mom's this weekend.
6
00:00:13,089 --> 00:00:15,925
Oh! Gesundheit.
7
00:00:15,926 --> 00:00:17,476
Yeah. Yeah, feel better.
8
00:00:17,477 --> 00:00:19,228
Okay, bye-bye.
9
00:00:19,229 --> 00:00:20,563
Jake sick?
10
00:00:20,564 --> 00:00:21,864
Nah, he's lying
through his teeth.
11
00:00:21,865 --> 00:00:24,650
Probably has a party
to go to or something.
12
00:00:24,651 --> 00:00:27,036
Or a hangover.
Hmm.
13
00:00:27,037 --> 00:00:29,905
Remember when he wanted
to be around us?
14
00:00:29,906 --> 00:00:32,308
Remember when we
wanted to be around him?
15
00:00:32,309 --> 00:00:35,544
Hey, that's my son
you're talking about.
16
00:00:35,545 --> 00:00:36,812
But point taken.
17
00:00:36,813 --> 00:00:39,148
So, you're a free man
for the weekend.
18
00:00:39,149 --> 00:00:40,416
What are your plans?
19
00:00:40,417 --> 00:00:42,918
I don't know. Probably
just catch up on my reading,
20
00:00:42,919 --> 00:00:44,086
take a walk on the beach,
21
00:00:44,087 --> 00:00:45,387
you know, a little "me" time.
22
00:00:45,388 --> 00:00:46,355
What about you?
23
00:00:46,356 --> 00:00:48,257
Pretty much the same.
24
00:00:48,258 --> 00:00:49,558
Except instead of
reading and walking,
25
00:00:49,559 --> 00:00:52,127
I'm going on a date
and hoping to get laid.
26
00:00:52,128 --> 00:00:55,564
Now, when you say "date,"
27
00:00:55,565 --> 00:00:57,633
do you mean an actual
date, or one of your
28
00:00:57,634 --> 00:00:59,768
$2,500 "date experiences."
29
00:00:59,769 --> 00:01:01,704
If I were paying $2,500,
30
00:01:01,705 --> 00:01:04,240
I wouldn't just be
hoping to get laid.
Hmm!
31
00:01:04,241 --> 00:01:07,977
So. You're back
in the dating game.
32
00:01:07,978 --> 00:01:09,245
How'd you hook up?
33
00:01:09,246 --> 00:01:10,412
Was it a "meet cute"?
34
00:01:10,413 --> 00:01:12,615
Meet... cute?
35
00:01:12,616 --> 00:01:14,250
You know, like, uh,
like in the movies.
36
00:01:14,251 --> 00:01:15,951
She's carrying groceries,
and you bump into her
37
00:01:15,952 --> 00:01:18,020
and she spills them
and you try to help her
38
00:01:18,021 --> 00:01:20,706
pick 'em back up, and you bonk
heads, and she's concerned
39
00:01:20,707 --> 00:01:23,825
she might have a concussion,
so you tell her you're a doctor,
40
00:01:23,826 --> 00:01:26,195
and you keep up the ruse until
after she's fallen in love
41
00:01:26,196 --> 00:01:27,863
with you, at which
point you confess
42
00:01:27,864 --> 00:01:29,732
that you're not the man
she thought you were,
43
00:01:29,733 --> 00:01:31,833
and she's furious and
never wants to talk to you,
44
00:01:31,834 --> 00:01:33,352
but you go to her place of work,
45
00:01:33,353 --> 00:01:35,020
and you make a
complete fool of yourself
46
00:01:35,021 --> 00:01:36,572
by declaring your
undying love for her
47
00:01:36,573 --> 00:01:38,057
during an important
business meeting.
48
00:01:38,058 --> 00:01:41,310
Thankfully, the meeting
is with Japanese bankers
49
00:01:41,311 --> 00:01:43,195
who find you charming.
50
00:01:43,196 --> 00:01:44,780
And they give her
the big account,
51
00:01:44,781 --> 00:01:46,482
after which you scoop
her into your arms
52
00:01:46,483 --> 00:01:49,218
and ask her to marry you, and
you live happily ever after.
53
00:01:51,988 --> 00:01:55,257
In Portland.
54
00:01:56,593 --> 00:01:58,794
Um... no.
55
00:01:59,996 --> 00:02:01,163
She's a dermatologist
56
00:02:01,164 --> 00:02:03,299
who scooped a precancerous
mole off my ass.
57
00:02:03,300 --> 00:02:07,269
Oh, well, that's cute, too.
58
00:02:07,270 --> 00:02:09,104
So, uh, what's her
name? How old is she?
59
00:02:09,105 --> 00:02:11,907
Uh, her name's Michelle,
and I'm guessing mid-'30s.
60
00:02:11,908 --> 00:02:13,676
Ooh! Almost age-appropriate.
61
00:02:13,677 --> 00:02:17,913
Oh, say, if I took a picture
of a strange wart on my toe,
62
00:02:17,914 --> 00:02:20,849
would you show it to her
and ask if it's normal?
63
00:02:20,850 --> 00:02:23,052
Sure, I'll pull
it out over dinner.
64
00:02:23,053 --> 00:02:25,020
Come on! She's a dermatologist,
65
00:02:25,021 --> 00:02:26,956
and I have a hideous
growth on my foot.
66
00:02:26,957 --> 00:02:29,258
The hideous growth
on your foot is you.
67
00:02:32,462 --> 00:02:35,331
You know what,
I'll email you a jpeg.
68
00:02:35,332 --> 00:02:38,200
You'll know when
the moment is right.
69
00:02:38,201 --> 00:02:41,036
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
70
00:02:41,037 --> 00:02:44,256
♪ Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
71
00:02:44,257 --> 00:02:47,426
♪ Men, men, men, men,
manly men ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
72
00:02:47,427 --> 00:02:49,612
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... ♪
73
00:02:49,613 --> 00:02:51,347
♪ Men, men, men, men... ♪
74
00:02:51,348 --> 00:02:55,417
♪ Two and a Half Men 8x06 ♪
Twanging Your Magic Clanger
Original Air Date on October 25, 2010
75
00:02:55,418 --> 00:02:59,221
-- Sync, corrected by elderman --
-- for www.addic7ed.com --
76
00:03:05,669 --> 00:03:07,920
♪ Men. ♪
77
00:03:08,522 --> 00:03:09,472
Hey, Alan.
78
00:03:09,473 --> 00:03:10,973
Listen--
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
79
00:03:10,974 --> 00:03:13,559
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
80
00:03:15,162 --> 00:03:17,263
What are you doing?
81
00:03:17,264 --> 00:03:18,798
Nothing.
82
00:03:18,799 --> 00:03:22,468
Right. Having a
little "me" time.
83
00:03:22,469 --> 00:03:25,604
Wasn't little until you came in.
84
00:03:27,357 --> 00:03:28,808
What do you want?
85
00:03:28,809 --> 00:03:31,027
In case I get lucky and this
girl comes back here tonight,
86
00:03:31,028 --> 00:03:32,545
I need you to
make yourself scarce.
87
00:03:32,546 --> 00:03:33,646
No problem.
88
00:03:33,647 --> 00:03:35,114
I don't want to see
you or your wart.
89
00:03:35,115 --> 00:03:36,782
Got it.
90
00:03:36,783 --> 00:03:38,084
Good.
91
00:03:39,653 --> 00:03:41,620
Oh! Try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
92
00:03:41,621 --> 00:03:43,089
Pudding girls?
93
00:03:43,090 --> 00:03:44,356
Trust me.
94
00:03:46,760 --> 00:03:49,462
Malibu...
95
00:03:49,463 --> 00:03:51,363
pudding girls...
96
00:03:51,364 --> 00:03:53,365
com.
97
00:03:53,366 --> 00:03:56,102
Oh! Yikes.
98
00:03:56,103 --> 00:03:57,903
♪ Men. ♪
99
00:03:57,904 --> 00:03:58,904
Right here?
100
00:03:58,905 --> 00:04:00,106
That's great.
101
00:04:04,728 --> 00:04:06,645
How's your tush?
102
00:04:06,646 --> 00:04:10,082
Fine. How are
your boobs?
103
00:04:10,083 --> 00:04:12,918
I meant, how is it feeling
since I took the mole off?
104
00:04:12,919 --> 00:04:15,354
Oh! A little tender,
but still functional.
105
00:04:15,355 --> 00:04:16,322
That's good.
106
00:04:16,323 --> 00:04:17,323
It's not fair, though.
107
00:04:17,324 --> 00:04:18,657
What?
108
00:04:18,658 --> 00:04:20,626
Well, you've seen mine
and I haven't seen yours.
109
00:04:20,627 --> 00:04:21,994
That's true, isn't it?
110
00:04:21,995 --> 00:04:24,597
We're going to have to figure
out a way for you to get even.
111
00:04:24,598 --> 00:04:27,416
Okay, show me
your ass.
112
00:04:27,417 --> 00:04:29,769
You're terrible!
113
00:04:29,770 --> 00:04:33,773
How are you at those
trivia questions?
114
00:04:33,774 --> 00:04:36,475
Well, let's see.
115
00:04:36,476 --> 00:04:38,043
"Which TV shows
jump-started
116
00:04:38,044 --> 00:04:40,312
these movie stars'
film careers""
117
00:04:40,313 --> 00:04:41,313
Okay.
118
00:04:41,314 --> 00:04:44,083
George Clooney. ER.
119
00:04:44,084 --> 00:04:46,085
Nice.
120
00:04:46,086 --> 00:04:48,854
Leonardo DiCaprio--
Growing Pains.
121
00:04:48,855 --> 00:04:50,439
Oh, I didn't know that.
122
00:04:50,440 --> 00:04:52,625
Oh, yeah. The last season.
123
00:04:53,760 --> 00:04:54,794
John Travolta.
124
00:04:54,795 --> 00:04:56,662
Um...
125
00:04:56,663 --> 00:04:58,430
Welcome Back, Kotter.
126
00:04:58,431 --> 00:04:59,765
Oh. Good memory.
127
00:04:59,766 --> 00:05:01,167
How could I forget?
128
00:05:01,168 --> 00:05:03,202
It was my favorite
show in high school.
129
00:05:03,203 --> 00:05:06,071
You mean it was your
favorite show
130
00:05:06,072 --> 00:05:08,340
set in high
school, right?
131
00:05:08,341 --> 00:05:09,408
Oh, no, no.
132
00:05:09,409 --> 00:05:11,610
In tenth grade I had a
giant crush on Travolta.
133
00:05:11,611 --> 00:05:15,514
But... wasn't that show
on in like the '70s?
134
00:05:15,515 --> 00:05:16,715
Yeah.
135
00:05:16,716 --> 00:05:21,287
So... you were in high
school in the '70's?
136
00:05:21,288 --> 00:05:23,022
Uh-huh.
137
00:05:23,023 --> 00:05:25,291
Were you like, really,
really smart
138
00:05:25,292 --> 00:05:27,359
and skipped a
bunch of grades?
139
00:05:27,360 --> 00:05:28,527
Uh-uh.
140
00:05:30,931 --> 00:05:32,698
I'm 47, Charlie.
141
00:05:32,699 --> 00:05:36,669
Oh. Okay. I wasn't even
thinking about that.
142
00:05:36,670 --> 00:05:39,271
Really. What were
you thinking about?
143
00:05:39,272 --> 00:05:42,658
Uh... You know, the whole
Scientology thing
144
00:05:42,659 --> 00:05:45,678
with Travolta and Cruise.
What's that all about?
145
00:05:45,679 --> 00:05:48,013
How old are you?
You know how old I am.
146
00:05:48,014 --> 00:05:49,615
I filled it out on
my medical form.
147
00:05:49,616 --> 00:05:52,084
Oh, you are not 36, Charlie.
148
00:05:52,085 --> 00:05:54,053
Even your mole
was older than that.
149
00:05:54,054 --> 00:05:56,222
Did I write 36?
150
00:05:56,223 --> 00:05:57,189
Yeah.
151
00:05:57,190 --> 00:05:58,190
I meant 40...
152
00:05:58,191 --> 00:06:00,759
two.
153
00:06:02,329 --> 00:06:04,430
Three.
154
00:06:04,431 --> 00:06:06,398
So I'm out with
a younger man.
155
00:06:07,601 --> 00:06:10,769
Sexy.
156
00:06:10,770 --> 00:06:14,406
Yeah. Cool.
157
00:06:14,407 --> 00:06:16,175
♪ Men. ♪
158
00:06:16,176 --> 00:06:18,110
Do you want to come
in for some coffee?
159
00:06:18,111 --> 00:06:21,413
Oh, gee, I'd love
to, but, um...
160
00:06:21,414 --> 00:06:23,215
But what?
161
00:06:23,216 --> 00:06:25,651
Well, this isn't something I
normally say on a first date,
162
00:06:25,652 --> 00:06:28,187
but my left ass cheek
is throbbing.
163
00:06:28,188 --> 00:06:31,891
Oh, you poor baby. Do you want
me to take a look at it?
164
00:06:31,892 --> 00:06:34,293
No, no, that'd just
be a pity peek.
165
00:06:34,294 --> 00:06:37,029
I'm-I'm-I'm sure it's fine.
166
00:06:37,030 --> 00:06:39,398
But I-- I should go.
167
00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:41,300
Okay.
168
00:06:41,301 --> 00:06:42,801
Well, I suppose
you'll call me,
169
00:06:42,802 --> 00:06:44,370
if you want to
get together again.
170
00:06:44,371 --> 00:06:45,671
Absolutely, I will.
171
00:06:45,672 --> 00:06:47,273
Good night.
172
00:06:47,274 --> 00:06:49,475
Good night.
173
00:06:50,343 --> 00:06:51,610
You've got my
number, right?
174
00:06:51,611 --> 00:06:53,445
Indeed, I do.
175
00:06:57,717 --> 00:07:01,153
Forty-seven.
176
00:07:01,154 --> 00:07:03,856
♪ Men. ♪
177
00:07:03,857 --> 00:07:06,075
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
178
00:07:06,076 --> 00:07:07,893
Whoa!
179
00:07:07,894 --> 00:07:11,029
Oh, Alan, again?
180
00:07:11,030 --> 00:07:12,665
I-It's not what it looks like.
181
00:07:12,666 --> 00:07:14,300
Hey, I get it.
182
00:07:14,301 --> 00:07:16,702
You're bored. You're lonely.
You can't afford a hooker.
183
00:07:16,703 --> 00:07:18,604
But come on, keep
it in your room!
184
00:07:18,605 --> 00:07:21,974
Okay, i-in my defense, I wasn't
expecting you home till later.
185
00:07:21,975 --> 00:07:24,510
Plus, it felt a little
naughtier out here.
186
00:07:24,511 --> 00:07:26,178
You know, in public.
187
00:07:26,179 --> 00:07:27,479
You want naughty?
188
00:07:27,480 --> 00:07:30,048
Go yank it on the pitcher's
mound at Dodger Stadium.
189
00:07:30,049 --> 00:07:31,383
Ooh, clever.
190
00:07:31,384 --> 00:07:35,271
Seventh-inning stretch.
191
00:07:35,272 --> 00:07:38,274
You realize I now
have to burn the couch.
192
00:07:38,275 --> 00:07:39,725
Well, if you're
going to do that,
193
00:07:39,726 --> 00:07:42,061
you might want to burn
the deck chair, too.
194
00:07:42,062 --> 00:07:44,330
Oh, God, Alan.
195
00:07:44,331 --> 00:07:45,447
So how was
your evening?
196
00:07:45,448 --> 00:07:46,765
Fine.
197
00:07:46,766 --> 00:07:48,834
I thought you were planning
on bringing her back here.
198
00:07:48,835 --> 00:07:51,670
And yet you were twanging
your magic clanger
199
00:07:51,671 --> 00:07:53,905
right in the middle
of the living room.
200
00:07:53,906 --> 00:07:56,875
I lost track of time. Sue me.
201
00:07:56,876 --> 00:07:58,777
So, uh, what went
wrong with your date?
202
00:07:58,778 --> 00:08:00,212
Nothing went wrong.
203
00:08:00,213 --> 00:08:03,716
She's terrific. She's
beautiful. She's smart.
204
00:08:03,717 --> 00:08:04,750
But...?
205
00:08:04,751 --> 00:08:06,685
She's 47.
206
00:08:06,686 --> 00:08:09,688
You said she was
in her mid-'30s.
207
00:08:09,689 --> 00:08:11,090
That's what I thought.
208
00:08:11,091 --> 00:08:12,441
Apparently,
dermatologists
209
00:08:12,442 --> 00:08:17,162
know how to take really
good care of their skin.
210
00:08:17,163 --> 00:08:18,697
Or she's a witch.
211
00:08:18,698 --> 00:08:21,567
I don't understand. You liked
her when you thought she was 35.
212
00:08:21,568 --> 00:08:22,868
What changed?
213
00:08:22,869 --> 00:08:25,604
I found out she's 47.
214
00:08:25,605 --> 00:08:28,040
Oh, come on.
47's just a number.
215
00:08:28,041 --> 00:08:29,241
A big number.
216
00:08:29,242 --> 00:08:31,210
A scary number.
217
00:08:31,211 --> 00:08:34,246
Are you really that
superficial, vain, and shallow?
218
00:08:34,247 --> 00:08:36,999
Yes, yes, and yes.
219
00:08:37,000 --> 00:08:39,718
Probably the deepest thing about
me is a little pit on my ass
220
00:08:39,719 --> 00:08:41,387
where a mole used to be.
221
00:08:41,388 --> 00:08:43,789
But fish can swim
in shallow water.
222
00:08:43,790 --> 00:08:45,891
What the hell's that
supposed to mean?
223
00:08:45,892 --> 00:08:49,678
I don't know, I'm a
little dehydrated.
224
00:08:49,679 --> 00:08:51,030
What I'm trying to say
225
00:08:51,031 --> 00:08:53,932
is that it's silly to throw away
a promising relationship
226
00:08:53,933 --> 00:08:55,567
based on an arbitrary number.
227
00:08:55,568 --> 00:08:59,671
It's not arbitrary.
She's really 47.
228
00:08:59,672 --> 00:09:03,409
47! That's like ten
years older than me.
229
00:09:03,410 --> 00:09:06,211
Why do you do that?
230
00:09:07,380 --> 00:09:08,981
I'm your brother.
231
00:09:08,982 --> 00:09:11,383
I know exactly how old you are.
232
00:09:11,384 --> 00:09:14,486
The point is, the minute I
found out she was older than me,
233
00:09:14,487 --> 00:09:16,588
I started looking at her
in a whole different way.
234
00:09:16,589 --> 00:09:17,790
And what way is that?
235
00:09:17,791 --> 00:09:19,458
Like, she's a woman who,
236
00:09:19,459 --> 00:09:22,227
when I'm 52, she'll be 60.
237
00:09:22,228 --> 00:09:25,130
You'll be 56.
238
00:09:25,131 --> 00:09:28,200
What are you, the math police?
239
00:09:28,201 --> 00:09:29,935
You know what this is
really about, don't you?
240
00:09:29,936 --> 00:09:33,739
Yeah. When I'm 58,
she'll be 70!
241
00:09:33,740 --> 00:09:35,274
You're really going
to keep doing this?
242
00:09:35,275 --> 00:09:37,242
I can't help myself.
243
00:09:37,243 --> 00:09:38,777
Look at it this way:
244
00:09:38,778 --> 00:09:42,514
When she's 70, you're likely
to have been dead for ten years.
245
00:09:42,515 --> 00:09:46,852
Actually, that does make
me feel a little better.
246
00:09:46,853 --> 00:09:48,520
I'll tell you one
thing, Charlie.
247
00:09:48,521 --> 00:09:51,857
I would give anything to find
someone I enjoy being with,
248
00:09:51,858 --> 00:09:53,358
who's close to my own age,
249
00:09:53,359 --> 00:09:55,377
and who I can
really connect with.
250
00:09:55,378 --> 00:09:57,763
Look no further, Alan.
251
00:09:57,764 --> 00:09:58,997
You've found her.
252
00:10:07,407 --> 00:10:10,109
You do get me, don't you?
253
00:10:10,110 --> 00:10:11,143
♪ Men. ♪
254
00:10:11,144 --> 00:10:13,345
I gotta be
honest with you.
255
00:10:13,346 --> 00:10:16,098
I didn't think I was ever
going to hear from you again.
256
00:10:16,099 --> 00:10:17,349
Why would you think that?
257
00:10:17,350 --> 00:10:19,451
I don't know-- the age thing.
258
00:10:19,452 --> 00:10:22,187
Oh, come on.
It's just a number.
259
00:10:22,188 --> 00:10:23,188
I like you.
260
00:10:23,189 --> 00:10:24,690
I'm attracted to you.
261
00:10:24,691 --> 00:10:26,608
Plus, there's no way anybody
looks at you and thinks,
262
00:10:26,609 --> 00:10:28,527
"This is a
47-year-old woman""
263
00:10:28,528 --> 00:10:29,928
Thank you.
264
00:10:29,929 --> 00:10:32,131
Hey, we're only as
old as we feel, right?
265
00:10:32,132 --> 00:10:33,949
Right.
266
00:10:33,950 --> 00:10:36,768
So I say, for all intents
and purposes, you and I?
267
00:10:36,769 --> 00:10:38,570
Couple of 35-year-olds.
268
00:10:38,571 --> 00:10:41,340
Agreed. We're 35.
269
00:10:42,575 --> 00:10:44,910
Hi, Mom.
270
00:10:48,381 --> 00:10:49,548
That's my daughter.
271
00:10:49,549 --> 00:10:53,051
For all intents and
purposes, she's eight.
272
00:10:54,020 --> 00:10:55,913
♪ Men. ♪
273
00:10:57,647 --> 00:10:59,314
♪ Men. ♪
274
00:10:59,729 --> 00:11:00,879
Shauna, this is Charlie.
275
00:11:01,637 --> 00:11:02,954
Yeah, hey.
Sorry to interrupt.
276
00:11:02,955 --> 00:11:04,689
I just came to pick up
my snowboard stuff.
277
00:11:04,690 --> 00:11:05,390
Why?
278
00:11:05,391 --> 00:11:06,425
What do you mean, why?
279
00:11:06,426 --> 00:11:07,793
I'm going to Mammoth
for a few days.
280
00:11:07,794 --> 00:11:08,427
With who?
281
00:11:08,428 --> 00:11:09,594
What do you care?
282
00:11:09,595 --> 00:11:11,096
I'm your mother.
283
00:11:11,097 --> 00:11:12,130
Should I go?
284
00:11:12,131 --> 00:11:13,465
No, no, it's fine.
285
00:11:13,466 --> 00:11:14,633
Who are you going with?
286
00:11:14,634 --> 00:11:15,634
His name's Jeremy.
287
00:11:15,635 --> 00:11:16,635
You happy?
288
00:11:16,636 --> 00:11:18,437
Jeremy?
What happened to Sarah?
289
00:11:18,438 --> 00:11:19,938
Sarah and I broke up.
290
00:11:21,741 --> 00:11:23,708
When were you
gonna tell me this?
291
00:11:23,709 --> 00:11:25,043
Mom, I'm 20 years old;
292
00:11:25,044 --> 00:11:26,978
my personal life
is none of your business.
293
00:11:29,582 --> 00:11:31,817
As long as you're my daughter,
it's my business.
294
00:11:31,818 --> 00:11:32,918
Tell me about Jeremy.
295
00:11:32,919 --> 00:11:33,919
What's to tell?
296
00:11:33,920 --> 00:11:35,153
He's a nice guy.
297
00:11:35,154 --> 00:11:36,321
He's Sarah's roommate.
298
00:11:36,322 --> 00:11:37,255
Wait a minute.
299
00:11:37,256 --> 00:11:38,340
You broke up
with Sarah
300
00:11:38,341 --> 00:11:40,158
so you could hook up
with her roommate?
301
00:11:40,159 --> 00:11:41,493
No, no.
302
00:11:41,494 --> 00:11:44,196
We were all hooking up together,
but then Sarah got all weird
303
00:11:44,197 --> 00:11:45,730
even though it was her idea.
304
00:11:45,731 --> 00:11:48,133
Don't you just
hate that?
305
00:11:52,705 --> 00:11:55,507
Are you telling me that the
three of you had sex together?
306
00:11:55,508 --> 00:11:56,674
Hey, you're the one who said
307
00:11:56,675 --> 00:11:58,243
I should explore
all my options in life.
308
00:11:58,244 --> 00:12:01,246
I was talking about grad
school, not threesomes!
309
00:12:01,247 --> 00:12:03,748
I'm so sorry you
have to hear this.
310
00:12:03,749 --> 00:12:04,749
No, no, no, it's fine.
311
00:12:04,750 --> 00:12:06,985
Pretend I'm not here.
312
00:12:08,588 --> 00:12:10,088
I also need
to borrow some money.
313
00:12:10,089 --> 00:12:11,623
Shauna, how do you
expect to pay me back?
314
00:12:11,624 --> 00:12:12,724
I still have a job.
315
00:12:12,725 --> 00:12:14,242
A webcam in
your bathroom
316
00:12:14,243 --> 00:12:16,294
and a PayPal account
is not a job!
317
00:12:18,698 --> 00:12:20,866
I admit, it's not
making much money.
318
00:12:20,867 --> 00:12:23,168
But that's because there's
so much free porn out there!
319
00:12:23,169 --> 00:12:24,369
She's got a point.
320
00:12:25,304 --> 00:12:27,973
The whole pay-to-peek
industry is dying.
321
00:12:27,974 --> 00:12:29,941
Thank you.
You're welcome.
322
00:12:29,942 --> 00:12:32,577
And if I could
just throw in my two cents here.
323
00:12:32,578 --> 00:12:34,179
Michelle, your
daughter's at that time
324
00:12:34,180 --> 00:12:36,615
in her life where she's got
to make her own choices,
325
00:12:36,616 --> 00:12:38,617
and it doesn't matter if
they're right or wrong.
326
00:12:38,618 --> 00:12:39,918
Either way,
she learns.
327
00:12:39,919 --> 00:12:41,920
But I'm just trying
to protect her.
328
00:12:41,921 --> 00:12:43,288
You can't protect her.
329
00:12:43,289 --> 00:12:46,358
All you can do is love her and
be there for her no matter what.
330
00:12:46,359 --> 00:12:48,560
I am there for her.
331
00:12:48,561 --> 00:12:49,895
You know that, right?
332
00:12:49,896 --> 00:12:51,663
Yeah, I do.
333
00:12:51,664 --> 00:12:53,448
Come here.
334
00:12:59,739 --> 00:13:00,872
What?
335
00:13:00,873 --> 00:13:01,790
I should go.
336
00:13:01,791 --> 00:13:02,874
Oh, no, no,
it's okay.
337
00:13:02,875 --> 00:13:04,426
Really, I got to go.
And you should have
338
00:13:04,427 --> 00:13:05,410
this time with your daughter.
339
00:13:05,411 --> 00:13:06,411
Are you sure?
340
00:13:06,412 --> 00:13:07,679
Absolutely.
341
00:13:07,680 --> 00:13:09,180
I'll call you tomorrow.
Nice to meet you, Shauna.
342
00:13:09,181 --> 00:13:11,650
Nice to meet you, too.
343
00:13:13,452 --> 00:13:16,855
It's wrong, it's wrong,
it's so wrong.
344
00:13:16,856 --> 00:13:19,291
Oh, what the hell?
345
00:13:19,292 --> 00:13:22,360
Let's try ShaunaShower.com.
346
00:13:22,361 --> 00:13:24,095
♪ Men. ♪
347
00:13:54,794 --> 00:13:56,344
Oh, for God's sake!
Hey, hey!
Whoa, whoa!
348
00:13:56,345 --> 00:13:57,929
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
349
00:13:59,765 --> 00:14:01,433
It's not what it looks like!
350
00:14:01,434 --> 00:14:02,601
Well, that's a relief.
351
00:14:02,602 --> 00:14:04,035
'Cause it looks like
you were masturbating
352
00:14:04,036 --> 00:14:05,470
to mariachi music in your car.
353
00:14:05,471 --> 00:14:06,838
What do you want?
354
00:14:06,839 --> 00:14:09,240
I only get AM radio!
355
00:14:09,241 --> 00:14:11,142
♪ Men. ♪
356
00:14:12,745 --> 00:14:13,812
Alan?
357
00:14:13,813 --> 00:14:16,514
In here.
358
00:14:16,515 --> 00:14:18,550
Is it safe?
359
00:14:18,551 --> 00:14:20,785
Yes.
360
00:14:30,463 --> 00:14:32,130
We cool here?
361
00:14:33,933 --> 00:14:36,167
Yes.
362
00:14:36,168 --> 00:14:37,636
Relax.
363
00:14:39,472 --> 00:14:42,374
You do realize you have
a serious problem.
364
00:14:42,375 --> 00:14:43,808
It's not my fault.
365
00:14:43,809 --> 00:14:44,859
Really?
366
00:14:44,860 --> 00:14:45,843
Whose fault is it?
367
00:14:45,844 --> 00:14:47,178
Big pharma.
368
00:14:49,014 --> 00:14:50,548
Who the hell's big pharma?
369
00:14:50,549 --> 00:14:52,017
You know,
the pharmaceutical companies
370
00:14:52,018 --> 00:14:55,186
that make boner pills
that last 36 hours.
371
00:14:55,187 --> 00:14:57,389
You took a boner pill?
372
00:14:57,390 --> 00:14:59,424
I had to.
The pills were about to expire.
373
00:14:59,425 --> 00:15:02,193
But you didn't have a woman.
374
00:15:02,194 --> 00:15:04,562
Hence the constant masturbation.
375
00:15:04,563 --> 00:15:06,665
You know how expensive
those things are.
376
00:15:06,666 --> 00:15:09,567
I'm simply trying to
get my money's worth.
377
00:15:09,568 --> 00:15:14,372
So this non-stop whack-a-thon
is just 'cause you're cheap?
378
00:15:14,373 --> 00:15:16,675
And horny.
379
00:15:16,676 --> 00:15:18,109
And nuts.
380
00:15:18,110 --> 00:15:19,978
Semantics.
381
00:15:19,979 --> 00:15:22,247
Why the car?
382
00:15:22,248 --> 00:15:24,182
You said
"not in the living room."
383
00:15:24,183 --> 00:15:27,152
Did I say "in the car"?
384
00:15:27,153 --> 00:15:28,353
Well, I didn't plan it.
385
00:15:28,354 --> 00:15:31,156
I was gonna go to the movies
and I got distracted.
386
00:15:31,157 --> 00:15:34,559
What could possibly distract you
from driving out of the garage?
387
00:15:34,560 --> 00:15:35,727
Think about it.
388
00:15:35,728 --> 00:15:38,163
Slipping the key into the hole.
389
00:15:39,899 --> 00:15:42,967
Gently turning it.
390
00:15:42,968 --> 00:15:46,404
Pumping the gas
until the engine starts purring.
391
00:15:46,405 --> 00:15:50,141
I'm thinking about it
and I'm still going with nuts.
392
00:15:50,142 --> 00:15:54,079
Well, unlike you, I did not have
female companionship tonight.
393
00:15:54,080 --> 00:15:55,847
Well, as it turns out,
neither did I.
394
00:15:55,848 --> 00:15:57,015
What happened?
395
00:15:57,016 --> 00:16:00,719
You really expect me
to share my personal problems
396
00:16:00,720 --> 00:16:03,188
with a self-abusing zoo monkey?
397
00:16:04,023 --> 00:16:06,725
Who else you got?
398
00:16:09,128 --> 00:16:10,528
All right, here's the deal.
399
00:16:10,529 --> 00:16:11,730
I went back to Michelle,
400
00:16:11,731 --> 00:16:13,732
determined to take the whole
age thing off the table.
401
00:16:13,733 --> 00:16:15,366
Good for you.
Very mature.
402
00:16:15,367 --> 00:16:17,602
And it was going great,
until her daughter walks in.
403
00:16:17,603 --> 00:16:18,436
She has a daughter?
404
00:16:18,437 --> 00:16:21,873
Not just a daughter, Alan.
405
00:16:21,874 --> 00:16:23,541
A 20-year-old daughter.
406
00:16:23,542 --> 00:16:24,909
A gorgeous daughter.
407
00:16:24,910 --> 00:16:26,444
A bisexual daughter.
408
00:16:27,546 --> 00:16:28,613
Summing up:
409
00:16:28,614 --> 00:16:30,715
a 20-year-old, gorgeous,
bisexual daughter.
410
00:16:30,716 --> 00:16:32,000
Got it.
411
00:16:32,001 --> 00:16:33,084
What did you do?
412
00:16:33,085 --> 00:16:34,819
What could I do?
I got the hell out of there.
413
00:16:34,820 --> 00:16:35,854
Why?
414
00:16:35,855 --> 00:16:36,988
What do you mean, why?
415
00:16:36,989 --> 00:16:38,289
You know me.
416
00:16:38,290 --> 00:16:39,824
If I continue a relationship
with Michelle,
417
00:16:39,825 --> 00:16:42,293
at some point, I'm gonna try
to nail her daughter.
418
00:16:43,429 --> 00:16:46,865
Maybe not today,
maybe not tomorrow,
419
00:16:46,866 --> 00:16:49,334
but as sure as your speedometer
could use a Handi Wipe,
420
00:16:49,335 --> 00:16:52,170
it will happen.
421
00:16:52,171 --> 00:16:54,572
So you're breaking up
with Michelle?
422
00:16:54,573 --> 00:16:55,707
I have to!
423
00:16:55,708 --> 00:16:57,442
And then you're gonna
hit on the daughter.
424
00:16:57,443 --> 00:16:58,576
No, no, no, no.
425
00:16:58,577 --> 00:17:00,245
I'm getting away
from both of them.
426
00:17:00,246 --> 00:17:01,880
I figure it's better
to hurt Michelle
427
00:17:01,881 --> 00:17:03,481
a little now than a lot later.
428
00:17:03,482 --> 00:17:04,516
Oh.
429
00:17:04,517 --> 00:17:06,718
Well, color me impressed.
430
00:17:07,720 --> 00:17:08,820
You're making
a decision
431
00:17:08,821 --> 00:17:10,855
that's considerate
and selfless.
432
00:17:10,856 --> 00:17:12,590
Putting aside, of
course, the fact that
433
00:17:12,591 --> 00:17:15,426
the motivation for the decision
is sordid and despicable.
434
00:17:15,427 --> 00:17:17,128
Thank you.
435
00:17:18,097 --> 00:17:21,299
Seriously though,
the daughter is unbelievable.
436
00:17:21,300 --> 00:17:24,002
She actually has some kind of
porn site on the Internet.
437
00:17:24,003 --> 00:17:26,171
Really?
438
00:17:28,641 --> 00:17:30,675
Apparently, there's a webcam
in her bathroom.
439
00:17:30,676 --> 00:17:32,310
Mm.
440
00:17:32,311 --> 00:17:33,745
Can you imagine?
441
00:17:33,746 --> 00:17:37,015
A 20-year-old co-ed in
the shower with her girlfriend,
442
00:17:37,016 --> 00:17:38,616
soaping each other up?
443
00:17:44,723 --> 00:17:46,257
Something to ponder.
444
00:17:47,760 --> 00:17:49,961
Excuse me.
445
00:18:09,248 --> 00:18:12,584
Actually, not a bad idea.
446
00:18:12,585 --> 00:18:15,103
♪ Men. ♪
447
00:18:17,406 --> 00:18:18,573
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
448
00:18:18,574 --> 00:18:19,924
Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa!
449
00:18:19,925 --> 00:18:21,159
Aw, geez, Zippy!
450
00:18:21,160 --> 00:18:24,579
What are you doing
with the pudding?
451
00:18:24,580 --> 00:18:26,397
♪ Men. ♪
452
00:18:26,398 --> 00:18:28,833
Well, I guess I
appreciate your honesty.
453
00:18:28,834 --> 00:18:32,871
I just think it wouldn't be fair
to start a relationship with you
454
00:18:32,872 --> 00:18:35,139
knowing I'm still
not over Chelsea.
455
00:18:35,140 --> 00:18:36,908
No, it's
understandable.
456
00:18:36,909 --> 00:18:38,276
She was your
fiancée.
457
00:18:38,277 --> 00:18:41,980
I've tried to stop thinking
about her, and I can't.
458
00:18:41,981 --> 00:18:44,248
And I like you too much
to risk our relationship
459
00:18:44,249 --> 00:18:46,017
being some kind of
a rebound thing.
460
00:18:46,018 --> 00:18:47,452
All right.
461
00:18:47,453 --> 00:18:49,420
I guess I just have
to accept that.
462
00:18:49,421 --> 00:18:50,855
Thank you.
463
00:18:53,058 --> 00:18:54,142
Bye.
464
00:18:54,143 --> 00:18:55,660
Bye.
465
00:18:56,929 --> 00:18:57,929
You know what, Jeremy?
466
00:18:57,930 --> 00:18:58,930
Just go to hell.
467
00:18:58,931 --> 00:19:00,565
You're a childish jerk.
468
00:19:00,566 --> 00:19:02,567
Oh, hey.
469
00:19:02,568 --> 00:19:04,068
You okay?
470
00:19:04,069 --> 00:19:05,336
I guess.
471
00:19:05,337 --> 00:19:08,039
Just thought this guy
was something he's not.
472
00:19:08,040 --> 00:19:09,540
Well, he's young,
473
00:19:09,541 --> 00:19:12,043
and, you know, women
mature faster than boys.
474
00:19:12,044 --> 00:19:14,779
That is so true.
475
00:19:14,780 --> 00:19:18,616
Have you considered
dating someone a little older?
476
00:19:18,617 --> 00:19:22,553
I tried that once;
it was disgusting.
477
00:19:22,554 --> 00:19:24,923
Really?
478
00:19:24,924 --> 00:19:26,791
The guy was almost 35.
479
00:19:26,792 --> 00:19:29,260
It was like sleeping with
my grandfather.
480
00:19:30,095 --> 00:19:31,996
No kidding.
481
00:19:31,997 --> 00:19:33,831
He could only do it
twice in a row
482
00:19:33,832 --> 00:19:35,667
before he needed to take a nap.
483
00:19:35,668 --> 00:19:37,702
Uh-huh.
484
00:19:37,703 --> 00:19:40,638
Excuse me.
485
00:19:40,639 --> 00:19:41,906
Hey, Michelle,
good news!
486
00:19:41,907 --> 00:19:43,808
I think I'm
over Chelsea!
487
00:19:43,809 --> 00:19:46,044
♪ Men. ♪
488
00:19:54,105 --> 00:19:55,939
Hey, hey, hey!
Whoa, whoa!
489
00:19:55,940 --> 00:19:58,742
It's not what
it looks like!
490
00:19:58,743 --> 00:20:01,278
♪ Men. ♪
491
00:20:01,279 --> 00:20:04,147
So... you feel like
going again?
492
00:20:04,148 --> 00:20:05,916
Uh, sure.
493
00:20:05,917 --> 00:20:08,252
I just need, you know,
a little nap first.
494
00:20:08,253 --> 00:20:10,854
Geez, Charlie,
what are you gonna be like
495
00:20:10,855 --> 00:20:12,022
when you're my age?
496
00:20:12,023 --> 00:20:14,024
Ooh, ouch.
497
00:20:14,025 --> 00:20:15,859
I'm kidding.
498
00:20:15,860 --> 00:20:16,960
Come here.
499
00:20:19,864 --> 00:20:22,032
Hang on.
500
00:20:24,202 --> 00:20:27,304
What do you
want, Alan?
501
00:20:27,305 --> 00:20:28,272
Arrested?
502
00:20:28,273 --> 00:20:29,940
For what?
503
00:20:29,941 --> 00:20:32,776
Oh, Alan.
504
00:20:32,777 --> 00:20:34,845
What was the movie?
505
00:20:34,846 --> 00:20:36,446
You're right,
doesn't matter.
506
00:20:36,447 --> 00:20:38,065
Okay, I'm on my way.
507
00:20:38,066 --> 00:20:40,017
Where you going?
508
00:20:40,018 --> 00:20:41,251
Nowhere.
509
00:20:43,087 --> 00:20:45,923
♪ Men. ♪
510
00:20:46,123 --> 00:20:49,123
-- Sync, corrected by elderman --
-- for www.addic7ed.com --
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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