All language subtitles for A Black Lady Sketch Show 206 FINAL

ELADIO: Loneliness has its own
character in different cities,

but LA, it's like livin'
on the moon.

Let's talk about the fact
that I'm a sex addict.

-Where you wanna start?
-How much time you got?

[TV static drones]

[bright tone]

[soft upbeat music]

- Come on, Green Dress!
- Ooh, thanks, Ally!

- Come on, brand-new Red Shoes!

- [chuckles]
Appreciate you, girl.

Nordstrom's.

[tapping keyboard rapidly]

- Jumpsuit!
Hello!

Jumpsuit!
Let's go, Jumpsuit!

- Yes!
You better romp!

- Go on!
Connected top and bottom.

[laughter]

- Come on, somebody!

all: Amen!

- No!
It's lit, it's lit!

- Yeah, we are!
- We're lit!

- Hey, Cute Sweater!
You on fire, girl.

- Thank you.

[dramatic music]

- Let's go.
Come through, ladies!

- Ally's right!
We look too cute to eat inside.

Let's go out for lunch.

- Ooh!
- Yes!

Let's go to When Pigs Fry.
I love a lunchtime rib.

- Ooh, yes!

I'm a vegan, but

I still be eatin' ribs.

[laughter]
- You nasty, you nasty!

[giddy laughter]
[tense music]

[klaxon blaring]
- Oh, okay.

[chuckles]
Come through, Fire Alarm.

I hear you giving me
better-late-than-never-

let-me-make-sure-this-
is-a-real-fire-

and-not-just-a-drill energy.
[chuckles]

Fire Alarm, sis, I'ma head out,
but you keep doing you, okay?

Telling us what's going on.

It's a fire in here.
I hear you.

I hear you said,

"[imitates klaxon
rhythmically]"

I was like, "[imitates
klaxon rhythmically]"

[chuckles]
Okay. Bye, sis.

This is the as-best-os fire
I ever seen.

Look at this building.

Talking 'bout
Smoke, Wind, and Fire.

Y'all my favorite band.
[laughs]

- ♪ Here's a little story
'bout a raw-ass bitch ♪

♪ That'll take yo' man
like she take that dick ♪

♪ She got 99 problems
but a bitch ain't one ♪

♪ She like
strapped street niggas ♪

♪ Who gon' run them funds ♪

♪ I got a gang of bitches who
gon' see 'bout me ♪

♪ Quick to run up in your
shit, ho, one, two, three ♪

♪ Selling out 'bout me,
I still remain untouched ♪

♪ I just walk through them hos
and drop my nuts ♪

♪ Your baby daddy fell in
love, I just wanted to fuck ♪

♪ I just wanted the cash,
all he wanted was us ♪

♪ Take a blunt to the face
while he rubbing my butt ♪

♪ Countin' money
in my panties ♪

♪ That shit give me rush ♪

♪ And be like ♪

♪ Go, girl,
wit' yo' fine ass ♪

♪ Get a bag, make 'em mad ♪

♪ Bitch, you bad
wit' yo' fine ass ♪

♪ Go, girl,
wit' yo' fine ass ♪

♪ Make a mess,
leave 'em pressed ♪

♪ You the best
wit' yo' fine ass ♪

♪ Go, girl,
wit' yo' fine ass ♪

♪ Get a bag, make 'em mad ♪

♪ Bitch, you bad
wit' yo' fine ass ♪

♪ Go, girl,
wit' yo' fine ass ♪

♪ Make a mess-- ♪

♪ Dip wit' it
'cause you a truck wit' it ♪

♪ Now do a half foot,
now put yo' hips in it ♪

♪ Let me see you do it ♪

- You know where
I'm president?

My fly-ass,
apocalypse-proof house.

And I know you all
don't believe me,

but it is real, okay?

And guess who's going
back there?

Me and only me!
[cackles]

So good luck surviving
without the cool one!

[quirky upbeat music]

- Honestly?
Fine.

I don't have to live like this.

I can go create my own country

and when you're all ready
to admit that I'm right,

you can apply for visas.

And guess what?

The process is very long
and needlessly complicated.

- Fine.
I'm out.

Just like Beyoncé said:

It's gon' be me, myself,
and I'ma be my own best friend.

Hey!

- Well, good idea.

You all leave.
Let me work out in peace.

- Can I stay?
I like to work out.

I mean, I've never tried it,
but it sounds cool.

- We start at 4:00 a.m. sharp.

- I'll do whatever it takes.

All I wanted was for us
to be together like a family.

- Oh, cut the sister act,
Whoopi Goldberg.

- I didn't want things to end
like this.

- Everything ends like this.

Xscape, the Beatles...

[softly]
B2K.

- I used to be the strategic
bandana placement officer

for B2K and my--
- Oh, shut up!

- Oh, now we screamin'
at people to shut up?

What is this, my childhood?

- Mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm,
mm-mm-mm.

No.

We all should just pack
our shit.

And yes, I came with nothing
and I'm leaving with something.

You want a family, huh, huh?

You want some family?

Well, that's what it's like!

[dramatic music]
journalists: Olivia! Olivia!

[overlapping shouted questions]

- How was the date?

[shouting continues]

- Yeah, look,

things did not go according
to plan out there tonight,

but I'll take some questions.
Go ahead.

- Olivia, hi.
Laura James, "Skins Weekly."

Tough date tonight.

Can you tell us
what went wrong?

- Yeah. Everything.
I mean, you guys saw it.

I was too focused on rebounding
and not enough on scoring.

Next?
journalists: Olivia! Olivia!

- Omega Bell, DTF Sports.

This was your first time going
head-to-head with Team Terrell.

Can you walk us though
your strategy?

- Sure. My strategy was
to play hard-to-get.

I waited a regulation three
days before returning his text,

but obviously,
Terrell is a tough competitor

and he really stuck
with his game plan.

- Uh, Briana Payne,
"Ding-a-ling Digest."

How would you say

Terrell stacked up
against other players

like Trent or Corey or Kevin

or Steve or Mike

or James or Tommy

or Tom?

- Bubba?
- Bubba.

- Reggie, too.
- I mean, a lot of dates.

- Oh, okay.

Well, Trent and Corey were both
above 6'3", you know?

So with Terrell, I initially
felt undermatched.

[overlapping shouted questions]

- Earlier in your career,

you'd come right out and try
to smash your opponents.

Tonight, you took it easy.
Why?

- Look,
a-at the end of the day,

I'm used to shooting my shot,
you know?

But Terrell came out and he's
such a seasoned vet, you know?

It just didn't seem smart

to try to take it straight
to the hole.

- Laura James, "Skins Weekly."
Let's talk stats.

You had a few fouls tonight.

Let's talk about
your reach-in foul

where you pretended to go
for the check.

- I think the ref made
a tough call there, okay?

You know, it was clear that my
opponent came to pay tonight.

[overlapping shouted questions]

- Olivia, you were almost
ejected from the restaurant

for yelling at a waiter.

Do you think it was your temper
that cost you the date tonight?

- I would say that Terrell's
negging put me on the defense.

Talkin' 'bout some,

"I usually date models,
but you cool."

Look, fans know I play
with a lot of heart,

and I'm not proud of what I did
out there tonight.

♪ ♪

But you know what?

Nobody's talking about
the ref's bullshit calls, okay?

My opponent clearly drooled
over his meal twice.

That was double dribbling.

[overlapping shouted questions]

- With a loss like this--

sorry.
Laura James, "Skins Weekly."

What does this mean for
the rest of the cuffing season?

- It doesn't look great,

but I'm hoping I can turn
everything around

and end the season with a ring.

- With loss after loss,

you still think marriage
is on the table

for you?

Personally?

Oh, you--oh, you do?
[clears throat]

- My sources are telling me

that you've been considering
switching to another team.

Are you thinking about
a crossover to women?

- Look, I've taken a lot
of lickings in my career

and I'm always open
to strapping on a new uniform.

- Olivia--

who are these people?

You told me you was going
to the bathroom.

- Terrell! Terrell!
Who is your braider?

- Terrell! Hey!
It's me, Laura!

Hey! Laura James!
[overlapping shouted questions]

- Are you Tinder-headed,
Terrell?

- Okay, let's go. Yeah.
Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead.

- Terrell, you had turnover
after turnover tonight.

Care to comment?

- I mean,
what can I really say?

I really just love pastries,
man. Next question.

- Is that why you chose
the two braids?

- You were called out
for being on your phone

multiple times
throughout the night.

Were you expressing interest
in other teams?

- No, no, not at all.

She kept using words
that I didn't know,

so I was on Google.
It was nothing but net.

- What does this game mean for
both your teams moving forward?

- For me, personally,

I was focusing on scoring
in the fourth quarter,

but I definitely think
I can bring some more D

in overtime, if you're down.

- Yes.

Um, and I've been working
on my ballhandling, so.

- Oh.

- So it's not so rough anymore.
- Oh, oh.

- Okay.

- So it ain't gonna hurt?

- Uh, it might.
[giggles]

[overlapping shouted questions]

- Olivia, Olivia!
How was your date?

- Terrell, Terrell!
Are those your baby hairs?

Were you inspired by Omarion?

[soft upbeat music]

[indistinct chatter]

- Crystal!

Are you wanted for murder,
girl?

Because you killin' 'em
in that jumpsuit!

- This jumpsuit?
- Yes, that jumpsuit!

- This jumpsuit?
- Sex!

[laughter]

Where'd you get it?

- Girl, it's vintage,
but thank you, Fantasia.

- Oh!
Of course it is.

You always find
all the cute stuff.

And you know how hard that is
in our size.

- Don't I, though?

Don't you hate

when you find something
that would've been cute

until they added
the leopard print, ruffles,

or leopard print ruffles?

I am not trying to dress like
my mama's couch.

[laughter]

- Halle!
Oh, I'm so glad you made it.

- Oh, you think I'd miss
my girl's first housewarming?

You made it very clear
our presence was mandatory.

- That's true.
[laughter]

[tense orchestral music]

- That's a--that's a
really cute jumpsuit, Halle.

- Oh.
Thank you, girl.

You know I love me some ASOS.

Hey!
I guess I'm not the only one!

Twinsies!
- [laughing]

Not really.
You know, hers is vintage.

Right, Crystal?

- Mm-hmm.

Vintage.

♪ ♪

- Well, vintage looks good
on you.

[chuckles]
- Thank you, Halle.

[clinking glass]

First off,

I just want to thank everyone
for coming to my housewarming.

As you guys--
- So we just gonna

act like y'all not wearing
the same jumpsuit?

[dramatic orchestral flourish]

- Fantasia, chill.
So the jumpsuits look alike.

So what?

- They don't just look alike.
They're identical.

I mean, y'all can switch
at summer camp.

They're "Parent Trap"-ing
y'all.

- Move on dot org.

It's not the same jumpsuit.

Anyway--[chuckles]
As I was saying.

Now that I live alone,

the thing that I'm looking
forward to most

is getting to walk around
naked.

- I've lived with her
and having a roommate

has never stopped her
from walking around naked.

[laughter]
- [clears throat loudly]

I wanna see the tag.

[dramatic orchestral flourish]

Well, if it's not
the same jumpsuit,

then it won't have
the same tag.

We wanna see the tag.

- We don't, Fantasia.

We just came here to judge
her throw pillows,

be nice to her sister
for the Sephora discount,

and get out of here.
It's not that serious.

- What's wrong with
my throw pillows?

They're vintage!

Like the jumpsuit.

- Liar.
[dramatic orchestral flourish]

- Okay, you know what?
Don't believe me?

Here.
Check the tag.

♪ ♪

- It's gone.
There is no tag.

- Thank you, Tarni.

And if there are no further
questions, Annalise Keating--

- No, she lied about where
she got the jumpsuit.

Y'all didn't think that
she thought to cut the tag out?

I mean, come on!
[exclaims breathlessly]

Plus, ASOS hasn't even been
around long enough

to be considered vintage.

- According to Wikipedia, ASOS
was founded in June of 2000.

[dramatic orchestral flourish]
- Really, Tasha? You, too?

Hmm, okay.

Uh, everybody stop being nice
to my sister.

Sephora let her go.

- Also according to Wikipedia,

an item starts being vintage
once it's been 20 years old.

H-how long has it been?

- It--it's been 21 years.

Y'all should not need
calculators for that.

It's very disappointing.

- If she bought it from ASOS,

it would've come in one of
those composition-printed bags.

[scoffs]

Everybody check the trash.

- No, hey! Stop it! Stop!
This is ridiculous!

Hey, respect me!
I am a homeowner!

Okay, you know what?
Here, fine.

Here's the bag.
I lied, okay?

Are you happy now?

- I knew it.
- So what, Fantasia?

You, of all people,
should know what it feels like

to always end up at the party

dressed like
the other big girl.

And then here comes someone
talking about,

"Oh, y'all have to take
a picture"

talkin' 'bout some twins.

I am so tired
of going to the mall

and hovering over a table
of 8s and 10s

hoping they'll magically merge
into an 18.

Nobody makes cute clothes
for us!

And when they do,
everybody jumps on it.

Like Soya.

- Ooh!

- Look at her!

Trying to skinnily sneak out
of the party!

- We can see you.
You're not that skinny.

Shop in your own section!

- It don't look cute baggy?

- Way to ruin the party, Soya!

- [softly]
Okay. Lesson learned.

- You know what?

I am tired of talking
about this damn jumpsuit.

You want it so bad?
Here!

- Girl!
I got the same one!

- God damn it!
Anybody else got my shit on?

Y'all wanna copy me so bad,
copy my bad oral hygiene!

I need 13 root canals
right now.

Copy my financial illiteracy!

I've only been in this house
three weeks

and I am already underwater.

Who's trying to copy that shit,
huh?

Fuck!
[dramatic orchestral flourish]

- All right, so okay.
- Yeah.

- Okay.
That's for Kimmie and me.

- And for my girl, of course.
- Yeah.

- Happy birthday, Bernice!
[laughter]

- Here's mine. All ones because
I had a good night at the club.

[laughter]

- Thanks, y'all!

I know some of y'all
only half-employed,

but I appreciate you
throwing me this dinner!

- Uh-oh.
- What?

- Did Tony use his
Terrence Howard math again?

- Oh, this what we doin' now?

- Actually, we're--we're good.
[chuckles]

- You sure?

'Cause I forgot to give my kids
they lunch money today,

so I can pitch in.

- No, girl.
It's your birthday.

And also, we are right on
the money, tip and everything.

Huh.

[slow mysterious music]

[yelps]

[all shouting]

- Greetings, oh wise
and math-tastical ones!

I am the get down
with the markdown,

the get up with the pay up,
and the price is always right

genie of the check.

You may call me Sir Charge.

- What the fuck was in
these drinks?

- Old Mello Yello
and a leftover Zima.

- Oh.
- Oh, yeah. That makes sense.

- Zima's weird.
- Yeah.

- I'm sorry,
are we not gonna acknowledge

that this blue nigga
just popped out of the check?

- In the history of the world,

there has never been
a group of Black people

who have split a check
with such precision!

- What?

You mean never-ever?

- Even the real women
from "Hidden Figures" couldn't

calculate the correct
appetizer shared ratio.

[chuckles]

- Well, just call
me Bobby Brown,

'cause I'm doing
that new addition.

[laughter]

- And due to your
numerical dexterity,

I will grant ya one wish.

- Wait.
Get the fuck outta here.

- As you wish.

all: No!

- I'm sorry.

That's not what I meant.

- Very well.

Because you finally released me
from me prison,

I'll let that one slide.

But from now on, you must
choose your words wisely,

because once your wish
is granted,

you don't get another.
- Okay.

- I'm sorry, there's a genie--
[scoffs]

In Outback?

Steakhouse.

- I know, right?

You'd think he'd be at Spago's.

Anyway, how 'bout you guys
take one for the team

and we use the wish
to get me my dream man?

- Okay, uh-uh.
You being selfish, okay?

We need to wish for something

that's good for all of us,
okay?

How 'bout...

rain that doesn't mess up
our hair?

- Oh, that's a good idea!
- I'm down. Bet.

- That's not for all of us.

Precipitation
and my Boris Kodjoe

get along just fine, so y'all
need to learn how to wish.

See, that's what's wrong
with y'all females, man.

all: Females?

- I wish a nigga would call us
females again!

- No, no, no!
That's a wish!

- Oh!
- Oh, you're good.

I may be blue,
but I am a Black genie.

So I'm very familiar
with the wish/would exception.

[bell rings]

- We really gonna talk
about wishes,

we should wish for
my favorite pair of Jays

in every single colorway,
past and future,

and for my album
to go platinum.

- What album?

- Eh, every nigga got a album.

- Every nigga got an album.
- Yeah.

- How 'bout we wish
for no kids?

Don't tell my kids.

- Well, it is
Bernice's birthday,

so if we're not gonna get me
Reginald VelJohnson,

we might as well get her
her little wish.

[laughter]
- That's fair.

- Hey, no kids works for me.

- Yes!

- Very well.

[neck cracks]

- Wait!

We didn't sing "Happy Birthday"
to our girl.

- Oh.
- Everybody?

all: ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday-- ♪
- Oh!

You don't sing
the Stevie version?

[chuckling]
Oh...

Your wish is revoked!

all: No!
[dramatic music]

- No! This is your fault!
- Yeah. Good job, Tony.

- You're the one
that made us start singing!

- Now I have to keep my kids!
- Now she has to keep her kids!

- Well, that's on you.
You shouldn't have had the kids.

- No, it's on you.
- No, it's on you.

- Oh, it's on me?
- Yeah, it's on you.

- I'm not the daddy
of them kids.

[quirky upbeat music]

- Man, this whole thing
fell apart.

- I know.
I'm sad they're leaving, too.

- I mean,
maybe we can fix this.

- I don't think we can.

Sometimes, you just gotta throw
the whole thing away.

- You and I are
the reasonable ones.

If you think about it,
Ashley's the one who created

all this drama
with the whole president thing.

♪ ♪

Ashley, you and I
are the reasonable ones.

And really, Robin's the one
who created all this drama.

You should do another one
of those smart speeches

we all love
and get the crew back together.

- [scoffs] I already tried
to educate these people.

There's only such much
I can do.

[sighs]
I didn't leave room for food.

But I'm not leaving
Ta-Nehisi Coates behind.

The new world will have
critical race theory

and beautiful prose.

- Girl, you can have books
and food if you stay.

It'll be like one of those
cute, little cafés.

Let's go talk to Gabrielle.

You know she doesn't actually
want to be president.

She's basically, like, allergic
to responsibility.

Am I right?

[soft dramatic music]

Gabrielle, you're, like, the
most responsible person here.

I mean, wine-based currency?
Genius.

You can totally be the one
to convince everyone

that the smartest thing to do
is stay.

- Huh.

I really should've learned

how to make wine
before the end of the world.

Oh, well. I will just have
to carry as much as I can.

- Come on, do you really think
that's practical?

You should absolutely just
stay here.

- [chuckles]
Wow, wow.

I just keep having to save
y'all from y'all selves.

[scoffs]
Her duplicitous ass

has been doublespeaking
this whole time.

Y'all don't hear that?
It's mad echoey in here.

She lyin', lyin', lyin'.

- Robin, just stop.

"Stop, stop, stop."

- Ladies, enough!

It is far too early for us
to be losing our minds.

We have to look out
for each other.

We have to have
each other's backs.

We're all we got.
It's just us.

- Oh, word, Melania?
We stealing speeches now?

I gave that exact,
same speech...

in my dream.

[quirky upbeat music]

[soft classical music]

- Brandy sings first.
She brought the boy up.

You don't do that
if you're the side chick.

That's wifely positioning.

The boy is indeed hers.

[bell rings]

- Brilliant final argument,
Phoebe.

Temi, your turn.

- Monica also said,
"What we have, you can't take."

Have, possession.
Nine-tenths of the law.

It appears, then,

that Monica was
in the possession of the boy

at the time of recording.

[bell rings]
- Mm!

You've both made excellent
final arguments.

But see, I'm still unsure
as to whom the boy belongs.

And despite
my pending brunch plans,

I also couldn't determine
a clear winner

in our previous rounds, uh,

sugar versus salt in grits,

uh, Biggie versus Tupac,

and Vicks Vapo-Rub versus

all of Western medicine.

So we're gonna move along
to the final tiebreaker round

and you all will be taking on

the greatest Black debate ever.

- I've been waiting
my whole life for this.

- We're coming for that W.

- For this final round,

there is only
one correct answer.

And a reminder that my brunch
starts at 2:00.

- That's just lunch.

- Uh?

Somebody don't want
a scholarship.

[stifled laughter]

Okay, ladies, please have
your representatives

come to the podium.

Okay, here we go.

Actor Denzel Washington won an
Academy Award for Best Actor

in 2001 for his role as
Detective Alonzo Harris

in "Training Day," technically.

But we all know
that was an apology Oscar

for all the times he didn't win
and he should have.

Please make a case for the role
Denzel should've won for.

- Oh, that's money!

- And you can't say
"Malcolm X."

- Wow.

My aunties just slap-boxed over
this very debate last week.

- Miriam, you're first.
Go.

- Cool.

Y'all gonna love this.
Watch me work.

Denzel Washington,

legendary thespian
and king of Blacks,

should've won the Oscar for...
[suspenseful energetic music]

Damn.
What's it called?

Uh, you know it.

What's the one where he's like,
really fine in?

- All of them?

- Yes, but he's fine
in the past in this one.

You know, it's a period piece.

He's serving that
mid-century drip.

- Oh, oh, "The Great Debaters."
- Hey!

- She can't just call out.

This is a debate,
not "Family Feud."

- If this is gonna get us
to a clear winner

as soon as possible,
I'll allow it.

- Okay, what's the one
with the racism?

- Oh, um,
"Remember the Titans."

- No, racism plus mustache.

Come on.
You know it.

Remember we watched it
at your house

that time we had to babysit
your little cousin

'cause her daddy was gonna
be home late from work

and we was eating Bagel Bites

and we was watching a movie and
I was watching and I was like,

"Damn, Denzel look mad fine
in these post-war clothes."

And you were like,
"Eh, I prefer modern."

And I was like,
"[clicks tongue]

He look fine no matter what."
Remember?

- You remember all that

but you don't remember the name
of the movie?

- Oh!
"Devil in a Blue Dress!"

- "Devil in a Blue Dress."

That's where I got
my suspenders fetish.

[bell rings]

- [sighs]
Natalia, it's your turn.

- It is of my opinion
that Mr. Denzel Washington,

esteemed actor,

should've won
for his performance

in not "Malcolm X,"
but a different Spike Lee joint

and it is called...

[drumming on table]
Oh, my God.

Damn, what is it called?

- Uh, "Flight"?

- No.
That's not it.

- Uh, uh, "The Color Purple"?
- Hey, she's cheating!

She has IMDb open!

- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

You have IMDb open
and you didn't even know

Denzel is not in
"The Color Purple"?

I should deduct a point
for that.

- [huffs]

- Can we please move forward

so I can give two of y'all
a scholarship

and get out of here?

- Okay, Denzel Washington has
played many a character,

but the role for which
he should've won an Oscar

is one that we all
thoroughly enjoy.

It is where he played

a military man
who had immense rage

and quiet sensitivity
all in one body!

- Ha!

He already won
a supporting Oscar for "Glory."

Disqualified!

- "The Equalizer."

The Oscar should've gone
to Denzel for "The Equalizer."

- An impressive argument,

and one with which
I can find no fault.

- Ah!

- Except for the fact that

that film came out 13 years
after "Training Day."

The correct answer
is the character

of Detective John Hobbs
in the 1998 film, "Fallen."

- Are you serious?
"Fallen"?

- Aww.

Oh, look at your fallen faces.

That's what you get
for taking too long.

I'm out!

Only got paid $25 for this,
anyway.

Where's my mimosa?

[old-school hip-hop music]

- Okay, see, see, look.

I can pick any song
from my library

and play it over
that wireless speaker system.

- The government is using
Sonos speakers to spy on us!

Look it up!

[chuckles]

♪ ♪

- Ooh, girl!

Why you look so tired?
You sick?

What you got, that, uh,
global warming?

- I'm not about to do this
with you today, Ma.

- When you gonna stop playing
around with that natural stuff

and get yourself a perm like
you've got some sense?

- When you get some hair that
don't come with tags, Aunt Bev.

- Ooh, you gain weight?
You look fat.

- You're losing weight!
You're wasting away!

- Well, I think
you look amazing, babe.

- Who asked you?

If she look so amazing,
why don't you marry her?

You been shacking up with
my daughter for five years.

[Bell Big DeVoe's "Poison"
starts playing]

♪ ♪

- Oh, I'm sorry, y'all.

I'm still trying to work
this sound system.

- Ooh, you know I love me
some "Poison."

- Michael Bivins finger-popped
me at the Food Mart

back in '89,
so you know I got to dance

whenever I hear "Poison."

- Watch out now, Grandma Ruby!
Looking good!

- Are you still going
to that non-denominational,

service-is-only-two-hours,
come-as-you-are church?

- No.

- I can tell you weren't
covered by the blood.

Didn't even cover your neck.

Out here dressed like
the Devil's mistress.

- [claps]
You know what--

[Bell Big DeVoe's "Poison"
starts playing]

♪ ♪

- ♪ Girl, I must warn you ♪

♪ I sense
something stra-- ♪

- Whoo-hoo!
Y'all better stop it.

Just stop it!

This song got me out here
acting all worldly and whatnot.

You know I'm celibate!

Can't let the government
get my DNA.

- Hey, yo, Detric!
Good to see you!

- Oh, what's up?

- I didn't think you was gonna
make it.

- Oh, word?
- Yeah.

- What you say that for?

- 'Cause the last time
I seen him,

he was with this bad shorty

at PF Chang's happy hour
last week.

I mean,
shorty was stacked like Legos!

Shorty was thicker
than frozen grits!

God damn, my nigga!
Yeah!

- I'm sorry.
What shorty?

[Bell Big DeVoe's "Poison"
starts playing]

♪ ♪

Stop, Detric!
What shorty?

- Ooh, boy, you are in trouble.

[Bell Big DeVoe's "Poison"
starts playing]

[both grunting]

♪ ♪

- Stop, boy.
- We know what you doin'!

- Quit playing the beginning
of "Poison"

and answer my question, negro!
- Fine.

I'll answer your question
when you explain to me

why I found a lease agreement
in your purse last week!

When were you gonna tell me
you were moving out?

- Huh?
What?

[Bell Big DeVoe's "Poison"
starts playing]

♪ ♪

- Y'all play too much!
- I never liked him!

- I'll whoop all
of y'all's asses!

[Frankie Beverly & Maze's
"Before I Let Go"]

[cheers]

That's good, damn.

♪ ♪

- That's right, y'all!
One, two! Whoo!

- Whoo!

♪ ♪

- Whoo!

♪ ♪

[cheering]

♪ ♪

- Ha!

You know, it used to be
called Uncle Wendell and Maze,

but I realized there
was more money

in aluminum siding.
[chuckles]

- ♪ You made me happy ♪

[cheering]

- That's it!
Yeah!

- ♪ This you can bet ♪

♪ ♪

♪ You stood right beside me ♪

- What the fuck, Skye?
How did you know I said that?

- I didn't!
Those were my words.

My original words.

- They were good words.

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
This is nuts.

- I can't let her go out there
by herself.

Uh, I'll miss you all.

- [groans]
I'll miss you guys, too.

[clicks tongue]

- Oh, man.
That sounds tough.

Is that tough for you guys?

- Man, I'm so not ready
to lose y'all.

- ♪ This song's dedicated ♪

♪ To my homies ♪

♪ In that gangsta lean ♪

all: ♪ Why'd you have to go ♪

♪ So soon? ♪

- ♪ It seems like yesterday ♪

♪ We were hanging... ♪

all: ♪ 'Round the hood ♪

♪ Now I'm-- ♪
[laptop startup chime]

- What the shit?

[gasps]

[ominous music]

♪ ♪

Oh, God!

Somebody's fuckin' watching us!

And why's Ashley
subject number one?

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- I have thought about joining
OnlyFans, uh,

but not to get naked.

Just to read...scriptures.

- Were you inspired by Omarion?

Do you go,
"[inhales through teeth] Ahh!"

when you get braided?

[bright tone]