Original subtitles

Once upon a time, there was a man with two sons.

The younger was happy and bold, and succeeded in everything.

But the older was quiet and sullen.

"This boy will be a great burden for you."

LAST COWBOY STANDING

Who's there?

Long we have suffered from cold and hunger-

fighting in the Balkan mountains.

Oh, my dear homeland, far in the north-

no other land is as dear to me.

When did you return? - This morning.

Blow.

Dad hasn't come home yet?

Yum. It's good.

Is this your fire?

Who are you?

What are turquoise waves like?

This what started it? - Throw it away.

It won't burn. You should've burnt it back then.

Could've burnt it yourself! - Bumsky.

What? - Is my name.

I'm going to find some friends.

Hi.

Mind if I sit here?

I'm Maria Vuolasvirta. We went to the same school.

Yeah, I know.

Hey! Get outta my way!

You drink tea?

Yeah, I guess.

I'll make you some.

We could go to the flower shop. I have some wreaths to make.

You've got a cute smile.

You coming?

I'lljust go tell Evert.

Hey, birthday hog.

Who's the fucking king?

You don't touch Evert!

Leave him alone. I can take care of this myself.

You hear me? - Don't you push me.

I'll push if I want to!

Do you always have to lose it?

You want another Kiss-Kiss?

Why do I have to think about this?

Are you moving?

Stop it! Right now!

We moved to Kauniainen 10 years ago. I was nine, and Evert was six.

I guess that's what we looked like.

The address was Helsingintie 5-7.

There were two houses on a slope. We moved into the lower one.

Fifth door from the road.

It was summer and the Munich Olympics.

Hey boys, come and see Lasse Vir�n run. Closing in on a gold medal.

Our father. The way he looked back then.

Attorney and head of administration at the National Board of Commerce.

I guess we were pretty rich those days, he'd inherited a pile of brewery stocks.

Our Mom, Pirjo. When she was still young and pretty. Been to The Art Academy.

How can that Vir�n be so good?

His legs could model as rice sticks. - Hush! Boys come and see!

A hundred meters to the finish...

He's coming, fast...

Vir�n wins the gold medal!

Long we have suffered from cold and hunger-

fighting in the Balkan mountains.

Oh, my dear homeland, far in the north-

no other land is as dear to me...

What's this?

Blow.

Happy birthday!

It's Batman and the Green Yucko.

That's Batman. - It's lovely.

And now, boys, a magic trick.

I will conjure my present up there.

Pekka!

Can we bounce on the backseat?

Yes!

Can we afford this?

Where are you going? It's almost dinner time.

We're going to get us friends. - What?

Pals.

They might beat us up. - They won't. Just be cool.

How are we supposed to get friends? We kidnap those kids?

We'll stalk them.

Countess, your husband only loves your money!

You swine! Fooling around with my wife!

Yeah, and now she faints. - Like this.

Now!

Hands up! - Huh?

Hands up, you outlaws! - What outlaws...?

I'm Rupert Kallio. What's your name? - I'm Henni Sipil�.

My name is Evert. I'm his brother.

I'm Rupert and that's my brother, Evert. And you?

She's Rebecca Rosenqvist. - I'm Lotta, Henni's little sister.

We've moved into that lower house.

Bye. We have to go home for dinner. - Osso bucco. Bye.

The first one to run out is an egghead.

Must be over a hundred degrees. We could burn.

Now! One, two, three!

Are you coming?

At the far end of our house lived Rebecca and her mother-

an actress at the Swedish Theatre, Ostrich Rosenqvist.

In the upper house lived the Sipil� sisters, Lotta and Henni.

Drink it up, it's beddy-bye time.

But Rupert's not back yet.

Rupert's older and gets to stay up an hour later.

Where's Dad? He's so much older he gets to stay up a hundred hours later.

Dad has this really important meeting.

He has to raise prices, the oil crisis...

He's pussying around with that perfume letter lady.

What?

What perfume letter lady?

Stop dodging. Tell me!

Why did Rupert hide this? - Because he found it.

Now to sleep.

Good night, sleep tight, kissy kiss-

buggy bug, night night, et cetera et cetera.

Say your prayers.

Jesus, prodel gladel scrumbel prat-

biafra bundolo scrockel prick sprinkle sprat.

Amen.

You want another Kiss-Kiss? - Is it the last one?

Yes. - You have it.

Kiss-Kisses are the best of Fazer's Assorted.

And the second best are the blue and green ones.

Milkies. I love them.

But the Polar Bears are pukey. - I love Suffels too.

But they're not Fazer's Assorted.

Nope.

I should get going.

It's not nine o'clock yet.

Your furry pencil case is so cool. I saw it in school.

It's new. - White. Funny.

I feel like laughing every time I see it.

My brother's got a plaid green and white one.

I bet it's not as funny.

I should go.

The prices of meat are going up next week. Buy some for the freezer.

The meeting dragged on forever.

Pirjo?

We'll wait until Mom calms down.

I noticed in the sauna, you're starting to have a big boy's willy.

Once your testicles drop, we'll get you a moped.

Making love to you felt like the turquoise waves of the Mediterranean...

Have you been opening my goddamned letters?

You were gone forever.

Shut up, the neighbors will hear!

You're a dimwit for showing it. - You brought it here!

Boys, help me! No...!

Mom and I are just having a little argument.

Good night good night, sleep tight, kissy kiss, buggy bug-

night night, et cetera et cetera.

In the morning, there was blood and hair stuck on the door handle.

We got it zestfully clean with Zest.

Every Christmas our whole family would get together.

That Christmas they all came to our house.

That's Anu, our godmother and Uncle Ossi's wife.

Nowadays 'a rather famous writer'.

Look boys, your Aunt Hippa salutes.

Our great aunt, Hippa.

There was something wrong with her eyelids, so she had to pull them up.

That's how the Kallios do it.

Are these completely ruined?

Gimme a kiss.

Hey, seriously! Open up!

Then Santa went into the bathroom.

After half an hour we got worried, then it became an emergency.

For Christ's sake, it's the only bathroom!

That was me. Don't steal my memories.

Was it? Sorry.

Santa was Uncle Ossi, chief psychiatrist at the Kellokoski Mental Hospital.

Ham.

Rupert, come!

Uncle Ossi promised he'll play horror with us!

Horror!

Not that!

Uncle Ossi's too tired.

Limp as an avocado.

Listen, could a novel start like this?

I should go heat up the punch...

I watched the golden flames through my glass of cognac.

The noble drink seemed to burn, like the fire in my soul.

Still, the cognac was liquid. That I was sure of.

Truth and lies were often mixed in this city of ours...

Boring! Ossi, come on! - You promised in the kitchen.

Run! Ossistein is waking up!

Ossi, stop it!

Can we have some Christmas spirit, please?

Rupert and Evert, knock it off.

There's nothing funny about people acting like monsters.

Now where did Pekka go?

Auntie Hippa can't get any sleep in this noise.

What the hell are you doing? - Look what I found.

Look!

Yeah! Mom is playing horror too!

Ossi, come help!

Wonder how the weather is today?

Our friend, the sun, has decided to greet us with her beams.

Let's say hello to her.

Hello sun, and hello to you too!

Did you like your Christmas presents?

We got a BB gun and a cat.

And do you have a name for little miss kittycat?

Pontus. - That's a boy's name.

He is a boy. We saw his little dinky.

Right.

Mom went somewhere to rest.

We stayed with Anu and 0ssi because Dad had to work.

"The boy wasn't afraid.

He heard a scream-

and half a corpse came down the chimney.

The boy looked at it, poked the fire, got up and hollered into the chimney:

'Hullo, this one is..." - 'Is missing the other half'. Dummy.

Why don't you have children?

Wouldn't it be nice to have a pair like this?

We've placed an order.

Don't you know how to make them? Our Dad's real good at it.

What! Help, no tickling!

How about one of Uncle Ossi's specials?

No, the Hurriganes! - Yeah!

Was that Elvis? - No, the Hurriganes.

I was the bassist. - I played the guitar.

Are the boys all packed up? - I'll go check.

How did it go? They been asking anything?

This whole thing just really sucks...

Have you told Anu?

I'll make it worth your while somehow. We didn't really have a choice.

We could have gone a little lighter, though.

M3-grade referral seems a bit exaggerated.

She could have burnt down the whole house.

Mom came back and took us to the amusement park.

We were wondering about Dad, we saw less and less of him.

Then he took me on a cruise to Stockholm as a present...

Dad had all these pet names for me when I was little.

First I was Bumba el Bamba Boy.

It became Bumsky for short.

Dad's new girlfriend came with us. Anneli.

Regional secretary for the Social Democratic Party.

Thanks.

This is nice. Fast.

Look at this, Rupe.

Antabuse implant.

Ain't it cute? Feel it.

Keeps me from drinking.

I should go powder my nose.

So, what do you think about Anneli?

We met at the Party convention. She makes a mean chicken.

Salary rate A26.

I've been thinking, maybe she would make a good new mother.

Rupert! Darling! Evert!

I brought you some buns. Rupert!

Evert sulked because he didn't get to come along.

He kept hoping I'd get seasick and puke.

Dowdy howdy who. - It's howdy dowdy do.

Howdy dowdy do. Two hundred forty five thousand something.

Two hundred forty five thousand what?

Exactly! - Can't remember.

You have to. - You know who I am, eggwig.

What's the point in making up a code if you can't remember it?

Anyone could come by and say the code by accident.

Who on earth would come here to say two hundred and the rest?

You never know. They could say their phone number or something.

No one's phone number is that much.

Was it fun in Sweden?

Tell me!

You never tell me anything.

Did you find it?

I asked for a needle.

The needles were in Mom's room and Mom was in the living room.

Dad is getting married again.

Will it hurt?

Wouldn't with a needle. Now it'll slice off the whole hand.

So, if you're scared that it will, it will.

All the great heroes have done this. You'll die a glorious death.

Even Jesus will cry.

One can't die before the other.

Or lie. Or leave the other in trouble.

Or you'll have to pay the other a million or more.

For the rest of your life.

Now your name. And that you swear.

I feel icky.

I, Black Leopard, swear. - What?

Our real names! I, Evert, swear.

I, Rupert, swear.

Rupert and Evert!

Boys!

Rats! In the trash container!

Can you give me some poison?

Good, thank you.

This should blow their guts and eyes out.

There are no rats in here. - You almost killed us.

What were you doing with the knife?

Baking stuff. - Pizza.

And Rebecca. What about her?

You mean Rebecca Rosenqvist?

She's stupid. And retarded. And she speaks Swedish.

You planned a striptease show. You made her sing naked into a twig.

It was Rupert's idea.

Both of ours. We did pay her an artist's fee.

Fifty Swedish nickels.

Rosenqvist is staring.

Cry. Louder!

Rupe?

I heard sounds, thought it might be Dad...

They called from the clinic, said he had left.

What are you doing?

Have you been here all night?

You were such an egghead.

So were you.

You hold the fort, then.

Who am I?

It takes place in a Confederate fortress in Yankee territory-

during the Civil War.

Tell me.

I die in the end and I crawl through the desert-

and deliver a secret message that saves the fortress.

It always takes you an hour to die.

You could be Frank. - Who?

This guy Frank. - He's nobody.

I wanna be someone real. A Texas hero.

Jesse James. Or a nameless avenger nobody knows.

Go tie knots on Dad's condoms. - You're such a poof.

One chick, two chicks, everyone lusts for Rupe's leather stick.

My name is Henni and I'm looking for Rupe the condom stick.

Fucking hell! You hit me in the back.

Stay there if you dare. Rebecca wank wank.

I dare you!

I'm sorry.

Don't scream.

I'm so sorry.

What's going on?

We were throwing distance. Evert was catching and measuring.

Pull it out!

No!

Are you crazy?

You want to kill your brother? It's covered with rust.

It was an accident. Wasn't it?

Maybe we should sterilize it? - Go sterilize yourself.

Don't cry, Evert.

Poor baby.

Stop it! I can't take this anymore.

You're driving me crazy.

Sallinen Anjah, head like a banjah.

Was it then that they came?

Hello, Pirjo. Anneli, you remember?

Where's Pekka? - Hasn't showed up yet.

Hi, Rupert! How are you boys?

Fuckety-fuck.

This is Pirjo.

And this is Anja Sallinen. Pirjo is an artist.

The boys love your chicken.

Would you like the recipe?

Seems like a nice place, this Kauniainen.

A bilingual community can be very educational.

Are you also one of those social democrats?

I like to call myself a non-committed conservative.

From Social Services.

I'm not a goblin. We've been asking your neighbors some questions.

The children's best interest... We came to talk with the boys.

I didn't want this, it was Pekka's idea.

Thanks for the letters. Very colorful.

The phone number's unlisted.

Boys, come in for a powwow.

In here. Powwow time.

How are we doing?

Let's go inside.

I'm not letting him pow pow me.

Powwow, dummy.

So, which one would you rather live with?

Yuri.

Nothing dies...

Nothing ever dies...

Yuri!

Rupert?

I can tell by the hair.

Damn, that's an ugly name. - Who are you?

Father Kinnunen. Just call me the Magician.

Now who do we have here?

Our good man, Smith Cassius.

If you ever see anyone punch me, you punch me, too.

What are you looking for?

This isn't the kitchen? - What the fuck are you doing here?

I heard sounds... - Get out.

I sold your mother a carpet in the seventies.

They wouldn't sell your father beer at the store.

I looked and he had disappeared. Fell into the freezer.

What? - Was sprawled out there.

A package of spinach soup had frozen onto his cheek-

sweating as he was.

He stayed there?

Must still be on his way.

A fine person, your father.

He said you had the...

I didn't believe him. - Get the hell out of here.

The lady diplomat's in Germany, as usual?

What's her name, Anneli? - She is.

I'll find a new woman for your father.

Here's our man, Pekka.

I'm a very close friend of your father.

Evert! If you see any friends, tell them the Magician says hello.

What kind of a friend leaves a man lying in a ditch?

So that's where he was, our honored attorney?

You should've left him there.

I found Evert's stash behind the toilet.

Our old skull, from Granddad.

Grandfather was a medical captain in the war.

Someone from the service corps had run into a Russian deserter.

He was my age...

Wasn't much blood, just this little rose on the chest...

You left him there?

Yes.

I have to bury him!

You're not going anywhere yet.

He's left out there...

The night is falling... the cold...

Nothing... ever... dies...

Then Grandfather had cut off the Russian's head.

He had squirted the eyes and the brain out.

For some scientific stuff.

Evert had stored gum in it-

Fresh Mint and Juicy Fruit, all different brands.

Two weeks before the hearing the phone kept ringing non-stop.

We couldn't sleep at all.

Dad kept calling Mom and Mom went crazy every time.

She had frog spawn eyes and slapping fits.

We should have spoken up, but there were always people snooping around...

Why didn't I say something?

Mom's back!

The hearing's over? - Come!

Don't feel like it. Let's ask Mom to make some food.

My gum storage! Give me that.

Pretty dumb, keeping it in the bathroom.

It'll get germs. Biafran Halloween mask.

Have you been eating them? Give it back.

I'll let you have the licorice shakes from behind the teeth.

Mom was heading towards the tracks.

What are you doing there?

Go away.