Original subtitles

Will & Grace is recorded

in front of a live studio audience.

Morning. Morning.

Do you like the new Grace Adler?

I'm putting her in the lobby of the design union

to remind people to vote.

Isn't that just an invitation

for someone to draw a penis on it?

Why do you diminish my efforts?

Why do you diminish your thighs?

Whose did you use? RuPaul?

Grace, did you eat all of the almond butter?

I just bought it.

This really throws me off; I had already calculated it

into my good fats for the day.

What, am I supposed to eat a coconut like a castaway?

I don't know what to say.

How about, "I'm sorry."

Okay, okay.

Well? What?

Aren't you going to say, I'm sorry?

Oh, my God. How many times do I have to apologize?

How about once?

Will, can we just agree that almond butter is stupid?

Because no matter what you tell yourself,

it's not peanut butter and it never will be.

Sorry I brought it up.

Apology accepted.

Hey, so, you know how I've always been kind of psychic?

Like a little queer-voyant?

No. See?

I knew you were going to say that.

So, after taking a short online course

and proving that I'm not a robot,

the good folks at The United Community of Psychic People,

or UCPP, have welcomed--

Oh, my God.

UCPP!

I just got that.

Do you guys get it?

Mhm. Yeah.

Anyway, those guys have welcomed me

into their community of a certified psychic.

There's no name written on there.

Yeah, it costs $500 for them to put that on there.

So, can I borrow--

All: No.

Now, I'm scaring myself.

And, if you need a further demonstration,

Karen is gonna walk through that door in 5--

Now, honey?

4,3,2,1.

Grace, I need a favor.

Over here.

Oh, right. The campaign.

But the resemblance is uncanny.

But aren't you worried

someone's gonna draw a penis on it?

No! Why does everybody--Jack!

Honey...

Is it okay if I store

a few things from my place at the office?

Um...

I've decided to sell the manse.

Really? I saw it in a vision.

Now that Rosario is gone and with the divorce

there's just too many memories.

One of my favorite memories is the time you and Stan were

being robbed and you wouldn't let Rosario in the panic room

because it wasn't, in your words, a "His-panic room."

I like to make life nice for the working classes.

Right, middle class grace?

I'm sorry. Right, middle class Grace?

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Would you look at that?

It's the bracelet Stan gave me

for eating one of my mini Prada bags.

He thought it was a taco.

Karen, I'm getting so many vibrations from being around

all your old stuff.

Like this. Wow.

Hey, now that I'm a psychic, could I rock a turban?

Honey, I'm really looking forward to watching you

con poor people out of their money.

"Should I buy food or should I listen

to what this dum-dum in a turban has to say?"

Karen, I have a real gift.

The only gift you have is the one

where you clean yourself like a dog.

It's the gift that keeps on giving,

And receiving.

But Karen, I am telling you, I am truly psychically connected.

Honey, I come from con man stock.

My mother was a grifter.

My father was a flim-flam man,

when he wasn't governor of Oklahoma.

The only thing a fake psychic needs

is to find out what their mark wants to hear

and then give it to them.

Okay, okay, I'm sensing skepticism.

Karen inspired me to finally clean out the closet.

Plus, it's raining so I couldn't go running.

You never go running.

I wasn't going to start in the rain.

You are not going to believe what I found.

Oh, Grace, you broke Garfield off his base.

Now it just says, "I love lasagna," with no context.

Because it makes a lot more sense when a cat says it.

Can't you just say, "I'm sorry?"

Okay, fine.

You actually have to say it.

Oh, my God, you're relentless.

I found all the letters that we wrote to each other in college.

Oh, yeah. You know, I actually--

I meant to organize those for the archives.

For when I was going to write my memoir.

Oh, right, right, and it had that weird title.

Weird tit--

"Homo with a Pie" is a great title,

and when I get around to writing it

it's really gonna delve into the complexities

of the gay experience in America,

and at the end there'll be recipes.

You know, for--for pie.

Okay, check this out. Spring break freshman year.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, my God I was so in love with you.

Remember I was desperately trying to get you

to have sex with me?

Yeah, I was desperately trying to avoid it.

Read the letter. Okay.

"Hey, lover, I hate that our schedules keep conflicting.

"Will, there's something I don't want anymore

"and I want you to take from me.

"Wink wink. Read the back.

I'm talking about my virginity."

Oh, no.

Oh, I just want to reach back in time

and slap the dumb out of me.

Hey, you think you're bummed, I'm a guy.

"While I was giving possibly my best performance of

"'Trouble in River City, ' the whole time I was thinking

"'I wish I was in bed making love to Grace, '

"with a capital G that rhymes with C

"and that stands for 'coitus.'

Everyone is intimidated by a shark. Become a Card Shark AMERICASCARDROOM.COM

Oooh, perfume. Oh.

This seems very special indeed.

I'm gonna have to do a spray and step.

Spray, delay, and walk away.

You know, Rosario gave me that perfume

because she thought that it would bring

true love into my life.

Her exact words were, "This will cover up the stink

"of the alcohol and then maybe

you can trick a man into tolerating you."

Ah.

She was such a romantic.

And then, sure enough,

the very first time I wore it,

I met Stan.

You can toss it.

I'm never falling in love again.

What? Why would you say that?

Because I'm through with love.

I mean, sure, I'll have my needs met.

The occasional rub and tug.

The all night bang fest.

A back alley bean twiddle.

But as far as my heart goes...

it is closed.

Well, I hate hearing that Karen.

You have so much love to give.

All you need to do is just-- Ba-ba-ba-ba-boo.

Go back to your fake magic tricks.

It's not fake, Karen!

I can see your future.

I see romance, I see travel...

I see London.

I see France...

I see Karen's underpants.

No, I'm just kidding.

I know you go commando when it's raining.

Yeah. Okay.

I do see love. I see happiness.

Oh, save it for your next mark.

Wait, wait.

I'm fee--

I'm feeling something strange, Karen.

What?

Oh, it's coming from in here.

It's Rosario's jacket.

Ooh.

Check the pocket for scratchers.

Hello, lady.

Oh...

Ah. Choo.

What just happened?

I don't know.

But honey, I think you might have another gift

besides squeaky clean balls.

Uh oh.

November 29th, 1985.

The day after Thanksgiving.

When I came out to you.

Ugh, you ripped my heart out.

It was like everything I believed in was a lie.

Even holding this in my hand I feel like I wanna throw up.

Should we read it?

That's a good sign, right?

I can't totally explain it, Karen, but it's like

Rosario's all around me.

She's in me...

and then she's out of me.

She's in me and then she's out of me.

It's like our wedding night all over again.

Is she happy? Does she like cleaning heaven?

She says it's bigger than she thought...

Oh.

But they do let her take home

leftover chicken and the recyclables.

Does she have a message for me?

- She does. - She does.

Oh, this is interesting.

Rosario says you're going to find love again.

That's crap.

What did she break into god's liquor cabinet?

Um, this is coming from a disembodied ghost

so, kinda think it's real.

She doesn't know what she's talking about.

Uh-oh.

She did not like that.

Why, what'd she say?

Rosario, I'm not going to tell her that.

Well just tell me.

She says you're gonna get mad.

I'm not gonna get mad.

She says you're a quitter-- Mm-hmm.

She says you should put on that perfume

and get your rich, pampered ass back out there.

She is not allowed to talk to me that way!

Even though she is dead, she's fired.

What are you doing?

She's coming through!

She's taking over. Oh!

I'm losing myself!

Well, there are a few things

I'd like to say to you, too.

If you quit on love, you're a fool.

What the hell do you know... Listen, lady--

--Sapphire earrings of mine that you stole

and then swallowed and passed through your digestive track

and you thought I wouldn't notice.

Why do you think I have butler stand outside the door

with a pair of rubber gloves on bathroom day.

...Lid for every pot and that means there's someone for you.

Rosie.

Do you really think so?

I do.

Then I won't give up on love.

I love you, Mami.

I love you too, Mami.

I miss those lips.

She's going. Oh, no.

She's going.

She's gone.

Oh, no. Rosie, wait.

Rosie!

Okay, let's set the scene.

It's the day after I came out to you.

I'm back at school wearing a Clinique peel-off mask

because of a stress pimple,

and listening to our song over and over.

How could I not see it?

Our song was Dancing Queen. Mm.

This is a short one.

"Grace, I'm so sorry.

I'm just so sorry."

So sad. I know.

And then I wrote you that big long one.

Oof, huh?

Yeah, I couldn't even open it.

You di--

You didn't read it?

No, I couldn't. Really?

'Cause if I had gotten a letter this thick

scented in white diamonds, I'd have been a little curious.

Will, I was devastated.

I mean, I even considered being a lesbian

but women are a lot of work.

I can't believe you're joking.

I cried when I wrote this letter.

You cried? I think we know who was crying.

But come on, we're good. We got through it.

You apologized.

Yeah.

Over and over again.

What does that mean?

We never talk about this

but that's kind of our dynamic, isn't it?

That I always say I'm sorry. You never say it.

It's like I'm constantly apologizing

for the original sin of hurting you.

Okay, I-- No, that's true. That's true.

And you never have to apologize because you're the victim.

Oh, my God.

Is this about your almond thing?

I said I'm sorry.

No, you didn't.

You never do.

Why are you getting so mad

about something that happened a million years ago?

'Cause you didn't read my letter.

You didn't even think that maybe

I was going through something, too.

Maybe I needed my best friend.

Okay, fine. I'll read it.

Give it to me.

No.

What do you mean, "no."

You had your chance.

No, no, no, no. You're not going out there.

Aren't I? Nope.

It is pouring rain and you are wearing

your suede driving moccasins.

I don't care.

Okay, yes, I care. I care.

You did not just do that.

Oh, didn't I?

The one time he doesn't throw like a girl.

Mrs. Timmer?

Oh, there you are.

I like your hat.

It's a Duane Reade bag.

Just take the compliment.

Anyway, this envelope landed on my terrace.

Oh, God, I've been running up and down the block

looking for this.

You opened it?

How else could I have read it?

Listen, doll, you should read it too.

Without giving too much away,

it explains why you and your husband

don't have any children.

Are you going to take Rosario's advice

and spray on some of this love potion Numero Nueve

and get back out there?

Yeah, maybe.

I don't know.

What do you mean you don't know?

Didn't you hear Rosie?

I did, but did I?

I mean how do I know that I wasn't just your mark

and you weren't just telling me what I wanted to hear.

How can you say that?

Are you telling me when you kissed me

you didn't taste 409, Virginia Slims,

and a little whiff of venison jerky?

Well, the mind plays tricks.

The lightning, the thunder,

decades of hard drinking.

It was a perfect storm.

But I'm telling you, she was here.

Sure, honey.

Well, I am saddened by your attitude.

Ye of big boobs and little faith.

Okay, okay.

Message received.

I'll keep trying.

♪ Old black magic has me in its spell ♪

♪ Old black magic that you weave so well ♪

♪ Those icy fingers up and down my spine ♪

♪ The same old witch craft when your eyes meet mine ♪

♪ The same old tingle that I feel inside ♪

♪ And then that elevator starts it's ride ♪

♪ Down ♪ ♪ Down and down I go ♪

♪ Around and around I go ♪

♪ Like a leaf caught in the tide ♪

Grace?

I'm the worst person in the world.

I read your letter.

Come on inside.

I can't go inside.

I don't deserve to go inside. I'm horrible.

Grace, if we never let horrible people

in our apartment, we'd never see Karen.

That's true. Mm.

How did I not read this letter?

I mean, you went through so much after you came out

and I wasn't there for you.

We don't have to talk about it.

No, we do. I have to.

You were tortured.

And I never even thought about that.

When I got to the part where you write,

"Grace. I don't want to be gay.

I just wish I was normal."

Oh my god will.

That broke my heart.

And then the part where you said

that you were thinking about hurting yourself?

I mean, is that true?

Sweetie?

It was a long time ago.

Okay, look.

This might be 30 years too late.

But I just got smart in the last hour.

You're right. I didn't think about your pain.

I only thought about mine,

because that's the way the story of the gay guy

and the straight girl is always told.

Isn't it?

He broke her heart.

Poor her.

But you were just being who you are,

and you were scared to death

that the world was gonna find out

and hate you for it.

Wow.

You did get smart.

And you were right.

It is why I never say I'm sorry.

And I have been playing the victim.

So...

I am going to say it now.

Doesn't it feel good?

Still haven't said it.

I didn't?

Oh! I am sorry.

I am sorry

for not being there with you.

I am sorry, Will.

I am sorry for not being there when you needed me most.

And I am so, so sorry

that I never said this to you before now.

The fact that you are a gay man

did not ruin my life.

It made it so much better.

Mine too.

Did you really go to a prostitute on Christmas?

I couldn't go in.

I just went to the House of Pies and ate my feelings.

Really, that was the inspiration

for "Homo with a Pie."

And you're gonna write that book one day.

If I dedicate it to you will you read it?

If by read it you mean skip to the parts that are about me

I will absolutely read it.

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