Original subtitles

So, how do you like this rain, Danny?

I'm sick of it, Jim.

Well, it seems Mr. Sunshine should be

peeking through those early morning clouds.

Yeah, promises, promises.

Folks, tell you what.

We have a question for you,

and the first caller with the right answer wins…

An orthopedic tractor seat cushion,

courtesy of Handy's Hardware.

Okay, he was a recent two-term president.

Of the Moose lodge?

No, no, little buddy.

The ex-President of the United States!

And many say the most popular in history.

The first President to be divorced in office.

And he's moving right here to…

Mooseport!

Okay, we got a caller here.

Judy Dunkle, can you name him?

Would that be Eagle Cole?

Monroe "Eagle" Cole!

Hey, congratulations, you're a winner, Judy.

Morning, Handy.

Mornin', Kent. Hey, looks good.

Yeah. Yeah. Mornin', Harve.

- Mornin', Kent. - Mornin', Harve.

- Mornin', Handy. - Morning, Harve.

Morning, Morris.

Morning, Handy.

Morning, Morris.

Morning, Reuben.

Morning, Handy!

Morning, Stu. Morning, Fern.

Morning, Handy. Mornin'.

New socks, Harve?

Yeah!

Yeah, I like 'em. I like 'em.

They go well with… each other.

Thanks.

Morning, Handy.

Oh, hi, Mandy. I didn't see you there.

Oh.

Ready, boys? Get it together, now. One, two…

♪ I was born in a small town ♪

♪ And I live ♪ ♪ in a small town… ♪

Nice! Good job!

♪ My job is so small town ♪

♪ Provides little ♪ ♪ opportunity… ♪

Mornin'.

Mornin', Irma.

Hey.

Hey… come on.

Come on, Plunger.

Hey, baby.

Martha, good mornin'.

6:30 is too damn early.

It's not too early for Bruce, right?

Bruce doesn't care what time it is.

Bruce got a little morning breath goin'.

Do you believe this?

I mean, he decides to come a week early,

and they expect us to get all that work done?

Well, he's the President.

He's kinda used to getting what he wants.

We'll get it done.

You know what I like about Bruce?

When he's here, my nose looks normal.

Yeah, but his nose fits his face, boss.

You're not funny, Bob.

Let's go.

Yeah, who do we have

writing the speech for Tuesday?

Yeah. No. I don't like him.

Yeah. Hold, please.

Hold on one second.

Copy that. Go!

Lucky bounce, Mr. President!

Well, you know what they say:

I'd rather be lucky than good.

So, Mr. President,

what are you gonna do next?

Oh, so many offers, Chi Chi,

it's an embarrassment of riches.

First, there's the Farewell World Tour.

Chance for me to say good-bye and thank you

to all my wonderful friends.

Writing my, uh, memoirs.

And then I'm doing something I haven't done in 26 years…

Putting my feet up, reading a newspaper

without interruptions.

Sounds good.

Settle back in that beautiful place you have in Baltimore.

Uh, afraid the First Lady got that one.

In the divorce.

Oh, right.

She got the best years of my life.

But the one thing she won't get is my title.

To the house?

No. The title "Mr. President."

Oh!

Unless donkeys fly, they'll be calling me

"Mr. President" for the rest of my life.

She can have Baltimore.

I'm fine with my lovely little summer place…

Mooseport.

Four tango Xray.

Hold short of runway one-two.

Sorry, Sally, we have the former President

of the United States on final.

We've got orders to let him land first.

Hold short.

Damn it.

Everybody, here we go! Stay sharp!

Welcome to the Mooseport White House, Mr. President.

Thank you.

Step coming up…

All secure.

Ah!

Home, sweet home.

Ah, it gets more magnificent every year.

Ah!

Take the dog for a pee, Grace. Ah!

Oh, Jesus.

It looks like Tiger Woods' funeral.

Uh, Mr. President, I'd like to go over

some of these speaking engagements…

Uh, hold-hold on, Bullard.

I have to take a quick cabinet meeting.

- Get in there! - Oh! Hey!

Oh! Sir, sorry.

Sorry. Handy Harrison.

Uh, it's an honor to meet you, sir.

Get his weapons. Back off!

Got him! You all right, sir?

I'm fine. I didn't realize one of the workers was here.

I'm a worker. I'm just one of the workers.

I'm sure he's been checked out. I've been…

I've checked out. They checked me out.

Oh, yes, sir, everybody's been

totally cleared. Okay, good.

I'll get outta here.

I'll-I'll… Lemme… Yeah.

Boy, sorry. And, uh…

All clear.

I just wanna say…

it's an honor to work for you, really.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

All right, just…

Well, um…

I did come in here for a reason.

Oh, right! Sure.

Go right ahead, yeah.

Sorry. Here.

Aah! I'll get that. I'll fix all that.

I'll… All that'll be fixed.

That was… President.

Well… at last!

Everyone, let's give the President

a little privacy, shall we?

Right away. Absolutely.

We can go over all these offers anytime, Mr. President.

Hold on! Hold on. How's it coming?

We're finalizing dates this week, sir.

26 speaking engagements, 14 days, 120 thou per.

And?

Clinton got a hundred thousand, sir.

And my autobiography?

Random House is offering 14 mil.

Harper Collins is at 13,

but is offering a better ghostwriter.

Here you go.

Excellent. Keep working it.

We're up to 147 honorary doctorates.

93 offers to be on the boards of Fortune 500 companies.

Soova Motors is offering you $5 million

to do a car commercial to air only in Norway.

And of course… the big enchilada.

The Monroe "Eagle" Cole

Presidential Library.

European rationalism

interwoven with American modernism.

A metaphor of organic growth.

A man-made mountain over which soars the eagle.

Ah. It's fantastic.

Is it big enough?

It's, uh, 40,000 square feet, sir.

And?

Clinton's is 20,000, sir.

Excellent.

Mr. President, it's the former First Lady, sir.

Shall I tell her you're out?

No, no, no.

You excuse me?

Here he is, Mrs. Cole.

And the problem is…?

As the man who has just gotten

the most lucrative speaking fees,

the biggest book deal,

the most board offers in history,

I would think you'd know.

Come on, honey lamb.

You don't believe all that nonsense, do you?

No, Eagle, I believe it's just the tip of the iceberg.

Charlotte, lamb, we settled.

Pioneers settle.

We rested.

Seven million, and don't forget you're selling Mooseport.

Charlotte…

It's a vacation home, Monroe.

You thieving, conniving, ungrateful…

It's been a pleasure speaking with you, Mrs. Cole.

We'll call you back.

Yeah, you too.

Try to talk some sense into him.

Seven million.

It's a negotiation.

You've handled dictators.

You've handled terrorists.

Terrorists were easier.

I-I-I swear to God.

Breathe.

Let the lawyers handle it.

Breathe.

Oh. I could…

Oh, Grace, you're a miracle.

Oh…

Oh. Sorry.

No, no, no.

Come on in.

Can I help you?

Yeah.

Well, I don't mean to disturb you.

I'm-I'm all done in here.

I mean, I'm done…

I'm done fixing it.

That-that flushing you heard,

that's work-related, not personal.

Ah…

Hey, we're done.

What? Plunger!

Plunger! Plunger, stop it!

Come here!

What are you doing, huh?

What…? Hey, you trying to get us both shot?

How many times do I gotta tell you?

Keep that thing in your… body.

Bad dog.

You just sit there

and let him do that right in front of you?

I don't have cable, man.

Come on, boy.

Come on.

Get up. Get up. Get up.

Sally!

Spit it up, froggy.

Thank you.

Sally!

You stay off her couch, Plunger.

Sally!

Sally! Hey, you up here?

Guess what? Downstairs.

Hey. Hey. Guess what came?

Shh!

Jane Ellen's delivering.

Already? Sally!

Wow. How's she doing?

Hey, here comes another one.

She's up to sextuplets.

Sextuplets?

Seven, right? Six. Seven!

No, six, six.

Chester. Huh?

Aw, you did it, boy.

Yeah.

Oh, boy. Oh, look at those paws.

It's gonna be giant.

I know. Ooh!

Hey, uh, so guess who I saw today?

Who?

Take a guess. Handy?

Come on! Take one guess.

The President.

Oh, that's right, because everybody knows he's here.

Okay. But not everybody gets a check for 17,000 big ones.

Really?

17,000.

Man, you know what?

I just… uh…

I think I'm finally ready.

Where were those towels?

You're ready?

Y-Yeah. Yeah.

Ready to…?

To get the new truck.

The… a big one. A big one.

You know, no more three trips

to the lumberyard for me.

It's gonna be great.

Dina, false alarm!

I'll take him.

I'm not sensin' any enthusiasm.

I'm thrilled…

about your new truck.

Really.

Hey, look. You know what?

Tonight after the… the party thing,

let's do something to celebrate.

You know, let's…

let's just go out, me and you.

A little romantic dinner.

Sure.

Yeah, it'll be great.

Okay. All right.

Dina, say hi to Fred and the kids.

All right. I'll see you later.

Plunger, let's go!

Well, he needs a new truck

so he can load all that crap that he's full of.

There he is!

You look great, sir!

Glad you're here, sir!

Good to see you, sir.

Over here!

Mr. President!

Over here, Mr. President!

We're glad to have you here, sir!

Glad you're back home, Mr. President.

♪ How happy you ♪ ♪ made me, oh, Mandy ♪

♪ You came and you gave ♪ ♪ without taking ♪

Here we are.

Ooh! Mmm!

Morris! Morris!

What?

He's here. He's here.

Al, "Hail to the Chief." "Hail to the Chief."

Sir, welcome!

15 minutes.

An hour.

Thirty.

45 and it's a deal.

Mm… okay.

Sorry.

Good evening.

I'd like to thank everybody for coming.

Tonight is a very special night for Mooseport.

In the words of Hunt Langley,

who put it so eloquently in The Moose Call…

"The Eagle has Landed!"

How original.

On behalf of the town council,

let's give a big Mooseport welcome

to our newest citizen,

Monroe "Eagle" Cole!

Yea!

Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you.

As you all know, it's been over a year

since I vacationed up here.

So first off, uh, to the rumor that

I'm only here because I lost my Baltimore house

in my divorce…

absolutely true.

Now I am a Mooseport resident,

and even though I didn't get a chance to meet many of you

when I was up here as President,

I certainly hope to…

I certainly would, uh…

…hope to get to know you all a lot better.

Maybe we could, uh,

hit a few birdies or, uh, eagles…

…at your local golf links.

Anyway, since I'm not here to ask for money, uh…

…uh, I don't know what else to say

except to thank you so much for your

hospitality and…

see you around the burg.

Let's go.

Thank you, Mr. President. That was great.

Uh, could a few of us have a word with you in private?

Uh, the President has

a limited amount of time. Sorry.

This'll just take a second, sir.

It's kind of urgent.

Certainly.

Ah, right this way.

Excuse me.

Mr. President, I'm sorry the timing isn't better,

but it seems that your arrival

has coincided with something of a crisis.

Folks, I'm the Crisismeister.

Shall I call the Marines?

Would you care to sit down,

please, sir?

Thank you.

Mr. President, Amos Harmon, our beloved mayor

of 24 years, just passed away.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Anyway, sir, the town council met an hour ago

in an emergency session and voted unanimously

to beseech you, sir, to be our mayor.

Your mayor?

Mayor…

Yes, sir.

You see, before he died,

Mayor Harmon was running, as always, unopposed.

And with the filing deadline tomorrow,

we were having a dilly of a time

trying to find a replacement.

And then Reuben here pipes up

and says, "Why not get the President?"

I said, "Get the president"!

In our 240-year history,

there would be no greater honor bestowed on our town.

To have as our mayor, the most popular

president in history.

Popular, with approval ratings in the 70s.

80s, actually.

Uh, 85. 85.

85. 85.

Unbelievable.

Mr. President, you simply must say yes.

Well, uh, folks, uh, listen.

Even though I'm not in the Oval Office any longer,

I do have plans.

Sally,

please, we're in the middle of something here.

Sorry, I, uh, was just…

…getting my coat. I'll come back.

Uh, hold-hold on a second. Sally, is it?

Yes.

Sally, you, uh, seem like an engaged citizen.

Uh, what would you think about my being mayor?

Mayor? Really?

And it was my idea!

Um…

I think you should do it.

And then maybe you could do something

about that landing situation.

The landing situation.

Uh, yeah.

I'm a veterinarian and I had a critically ill

donkey in my helicopter this morning,

and I almost lost her

because the president just had to land first.

Oh, I'm-I'm terribly sorry, I didn't realize that.

That must've been a procedural thing.

Standard security protocol, sir.

Standard security.

Maybe, if you were mayor,

you could do something about that.

Hmm. Absolutely.

Uh, things like that shouldn't happen.

I appreciate your opinion.

It's really, really nice to meet you, Mr. President.

Nice to meet you, too, Sally.

Take care.

Thank you.

Well, Mr. President?

I'm sorry, gentlemen, it's just…

Hold on a second there, Bullard. Maybe…

Excuse me, Mr. President.

I suggest that we give them

an answer tomorrow.

Gentlemen, he'll sleep on it.

Yes, I'll-I'll- I'll sleep on it.

So we'll hear from you in the morning, sir?

You have my word.

You have the Eagle's word.

Thank you, Mr. President.

By God, that's just the way he sounds on TV!

Hey. Sorry.

Connelly's septic tank broke again.

Ah, stood up for a septic tank.

No. No. You look good.

Yeah? Yeah.

Ew! What?

You stink. Too much cologne? Yeah?

No, not enou… Did you think about a shower?

I… yes, I did, but then I would've been more late,

and I didn't think it was bad.

You know how you can't smell your own smell.

I think that's what we kind of got going on here… yeah.

So is this thing over?

It's over for me.

Hey. What do you want to do?

You want to get something to eat?

No, I'm not that hungry. I think I'm just going to go home.

Wait. What? Come on. Is it that bad?

I'll take a shower. We can take a shower.

I already took a shower.

Well, come on, Sally, what? What's the problem?

I don't know.

I'm just…

You know, for the past six years…

Today, when you said you were…

I don't know, Handy.

Why don't you tell me what the problem is.

I don't have a problem.

Well, that's the problem.

Well, what do you… I'll see you tomorrow.

I should have showered.

Your newspapers.

Good morning. Beautiful, Ramona. Beautiful.

Today's agenda, ma'am. Thank you, John.

Perfect, Smitty. Mm-hmm.

For God's sake,

save me from Mooseport, Rod.

Well, how about a job at the Pentagon?

Got to go.

Morning, Mr. President.

Good morning. Good morning. Good morning.

Oh, Smitty, thank you so much. Sir.

What's on tap today?

Read the paper.

Finally. Grace, you're wonderful.

And then you can take

that jog you've been wanting to take.

Mm, fabulous.

Oh, uh…

about that mayor thing.

Oh, don't worry, Mr. President.

We'll take care of it.

"While the president is flattered,

"he respectfully declines.

His schedule precludes him…"

Actually, I'm considering it.

Sir?

Yeah, why not?

Largely ceremonial.

Any work involved, you can do.

I mean, we run everything else

we're involved in, why not Mooseport?

Well, sir, actually…

As your first move out of office,

you… become mayor?

It's, uh, beneath you.

And from a PR standpoint it's…

Fantastic.

"For the love of public service, Eagle Cole,

"the most beloved president since Jack Kennedy,

"agrees to help." Perfect.

And don't forget the Wicked Witch

of the West Wing.

She can't claim this is a vacation house

if I'm the mayor, now can she?

True.

Wait until the filing deadline and then, uh,

call them with the good news.

Yes, sir.

We're… going to run "Turdport."

♪ For… ♪

♪ He's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's ♪ ♪ a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good ♪

♪ Fellow… ♪

♪ Which nobody can deny. ♪

Thank you, thank you very much, gentlemen.

I won't let Mooseport down.

You have the Eagle's word, okay?

Oh, thank you, Mr. President.

Good-bye, now.

Bye.

It was my idea!

Congratulations, Kent.

Congratulations, Stu. Oh, Morris.

You might want to read this.

Holy crap!

Thank you so much

for meeting with us again, sir.

When we talked last night,

uh, nobody else had put in for mayor.

Well, unbeknownst to us, Irma Brisker,

our town registrar, took it upon herself

to persuade Harold Harrison…

You may know him as Handy Harrison, sir.

He runs the hardware store.

Doing some construction work on your home, I believe.

…uh, to run for mayor as well.

Well, okay then.

You've got your mayor.

If he wants it, he can have it.

Uh, Mr. President, sir,

it's a touch more complicated than that.

What's complicated?

Well, it's just that…

You see, sir, it kind of

got out in the press that you're both in.

What press?

Well…

When the deadline passed,

we called, uh, Hunt Langley down at The Moose Call.

He said when this got around, it would be national news.

Well, of course it'll be national news.

Press'll say I'm trying to squash a bug.

You can rest assured, sir,

that not one of them said anything like that.

Did they, Stu?

No, sir. None of them said that.

Couple of them called it David and Goliath,

but none of them said that.

What do you mean "them"? Who's them?

NBC. CBS.

FOX. It was really exciting.

Uh…

Wait, are you telling me the entire country

thinks that I'm running for mayor

against the man installing my toilets?!

But, sir, you said "Eagle's word."

Aw, hell!

Stop eating the fertilizer.

Go on over there.

Look, it's the president!

He's here!

Which car is he in? Oh, yeah, he's here.

Company's coming, and Bruce is out again.

What is this?

Uh, that's Bruce the Moose, sir.

It's a rescued animal. Handy's pet.

Shouldn't it be in a zoo?

Afternoon, Mr. President. Oh, hello, Handy.

Can we help you with anything?

Is everything okay with that water heater?

Everything is fine. I just wondered if you had a minute.

Hey, I'm Bob.

I'm working for you, too.

Bob, nice to see you.

I'm sorry, Mr. President. Bob, Martha and Irma.

Mr. President. Martha.

Irma. Paint.

Pipes. Wood products.

Like your last two Cabinet appointments.

Handy, aren't you going to introduce me?

Oh, uh, sorry. This is Mandy.

Hi.

Mandy and Handy, uh… how cute.

Oh…

Uh, could we speak privately for a moment?

Yeah, sure. What…

That's my office right over there.

Outstanding.

Excuse me.

I have a private meeting with the president.

Iguana on your left, sir.

Ooh,

what a dump.

Well, sir,

this is it.

Yeah. Oh, it's cozy. Nice office. Yeah.

Thank you.

How can I help you, Mr. President?

Well, Handy, as I'm sure you know,

we've both put in for mayor. No, I didn't know that, sir.

You didn't know that? I mean, I knew that I put in.

I thought I was just doing the town a favor, that's all.

And then, you know, I thought I was running all by myself.

Well, as you can see, we have a bit of a situation.

Yeah, I… It's… Hmm. We got a bit of a pickle here.

Bit of a pickle, exactly.

So I was thinking that one of us should withdraw.

Now, I would be happy if it were me.

Lord knows I have nothing left to prove,

much less being the mayor of anything,

but, uh, I have a PR problem.

Oh, oh. A PR prob… Is it serious?

Well, it got out to the press

that I had given my word.

Oh, yeah, right.

You know, "You have the Eagle's word."

Right, like on TV. Mm-hmm.

TV. Exactly.

So, um, well, look, uh,

you're a golfer, right?

Are you any good?

I get around. I get around.

I'm like a ten handicap, maybe, on a good day.

Ten? Me, too. We should knock it around sometime.

Yeah, that would be an honor, Mr. President.

Well, if you're trying to make a name for yourself in golf,

you wouldn't, uh, start off by…

Oh. Nice shot.

…challenging Tiger Woods.

No, you'd start small.

Local tournaments.

Uh, same in politics.

You don't start a political career by running against

the former president of the United States.

Fine.

Fine?

It was a privilege to run.

It's a privilege to withdraw.

Well, it's settled. What's settled?

It turns out we both put in for mayor, so I just withdrew. Chicken.

I'm glad I could help with that PR problem, sir.

Bruce is out of his pen again. Did anybody happen to notice that?

No, he probably chewed through the rope.

Bob, why don't you put him back.

I already did it.

Oh…

Excuse me, I'm sorry.

Sally, the president.

We just had a meeting.

Yeah, we met last night, when I was being stood up.

Um, look.

I'm sorry if I was rude to you.

I-I'm… I'm really embarrassed.

Rude? Don't be silly. No.

In fact, what you said helped convince me to be mayor.

Really?

So you're going to do it?

You're going to be our mayor. Great.

It is, isn't it?

I'm so glad I ran into you.

You know, I've decided to get a dog.

Oh, I thought you already had a dog.

Well, yes, I do.

A great animal. A, uh, Shitzu.

Westie.

Uh, Westie needs a friend,

and I thought if you were available,

uh, let's say, oh, tomorrow night,

perhaps, uh, we could discuss it

over, uh, dinner.

Dinner?

Yeah. I could really use

your, uh, professional advice on this.

Really? My advice?

Mm-hmm.

Uh, okay. Well, yeah.

Dinner would be fine.

Great, looking forward to it.

My people will get in touch with your people.

I don't have people, but I could give you my number. Uh-huh.

Uh, well, my people will get your number

and, uh, we'll set up a time.

And I'm sure whatever time we do set, you'll be on time.

Absolutely.

Looking forward to it.

See you on the links, sir.

And thanks again for being so helpful.

Yeah, right.

You mean rolling over.

Sally…

You know, Bruce is a baby.

Babies like to chew things like rope.

Um…

Ooh-ooh.

Okay.

Sally…

uh, is it me, or did you

just get asked out by that president guy?

Yes, I think I did.

Probably couldn't chew through this, right?

And-And is it me, or did you just say

yes to the president guy?

Yes, I think I did.

Look-Look, Sally.

I'm sorry that I was late, okay,

but you can't date the president because of that.

Do you really think that's the reason?

Why, then?

Why not?

Here, use this.

Shut up!

Sally, I want to talk to you!

Sally, I want to talk!

It was very nice of you.

Say "bye-bye," honey.

Mr. President!

Yes, Handy, what is it?

Mr. President!

Thank you very much.

Uh-huh.

I can't do it, sir.

I can't drop out of the mayor race.

Excuse me?

I… I don't have the Eagle thing like you,

but I'm a man of my word, too.

And every man's word's important, isn't that true?

Does he want money? What-What-What is it?

If you stay in this race,

then I'm sure you're going to slaughter me, but…

I'm running for the mayor of Mooseport.

Is he losing his mind?

What just happened?

You're running against the president.

And your girlfriend's dating him.

Mm-hmm.

"Mm-hmm."

No, Larry, the president has no comment.

No, no comment. Thank you.

Uh, that's all the networks, 60 Minutes, and Larry King.

The handyman's girlfriend?

His girlfriend? Why didn't you tell me?

I'm going to look like an idiot.

I tried to tell you,

Mr. President, remember?

Well, why didn't you try harder?

What am I supposed to do now, apologize?

Back down?

You want call Bert Langdon?

For what?

I don't need a campaign manager for this.

Hello…

One second. Mr. President?

Bert Langdon on line one.

Bert, what a coincidence. What's shaking?

That's what I was going to ask you, Eagle.

It's deader than Nixon down here.

I'd be happy to roll up my sleeves

and come up there if you want.

Bert, I'm running against my plumber.

Is there something I don't know?

You watching FOX News?

The results are quite interesting.

The poll, of course, is preliminary,

but it does show Harrison with surprising strength.

There's an 8% margin of error, and it's still early,

but it looks to be very close.

Seems to me the president

has got himself in a bit of a horse race.

Eagle, you with me?

Don't you mean "moose race"?

Eagle!

Hey!

Oh-ho!

There she is. Come on, let's go.

That's her, right there.

Sally! Miss Mannis?

Are you Dr. Sally Mannis? Yeah.

A couple questions about Handy Harrison.

Hey! Watch it!

And now you're dating the president?

No.

No, I'm not dating the president.

It's one date.

I'm not even sure you'd call it a date.

You wouldn't call it a date?

What would you call it, exactly?

Just a couple more questions.

When did you meet?

When did he ask you out?

Have you and the president had sex yet?

For God's sakes.

Think about it, Handy.

For our mayor, we could have

the president of the United States.

What are you trying to do to us?

Come on, guys, look. You know he's going to win.

Drop out, you bastard!

Come on. Thank you, Reuben.

And you better keep an eye

on your speedometer, Harrison.

Handy! Handy!

Hi, Daddy.

What's this? Come on. Aw, what's going on?

What's it look like? You're campaigning.

Handy! Handy!

Hey, guys. Come on.

Hey, Handy.

Do you like it?

That's… yeah.

Uh, all right, guys, thank you very much,

and the moose hat and everything, but, Irma,

we discussed this, huh?

I'm not campaigning. I'm not.

What?

Do you care about Sally or not?

No…

Look, her going out with him is just…

it's a casual…

Call it postmenopausal intuition,

but just my opinion,

lose this election, lose Sally.

Mm-hmm.

It's not gonna go anywhere, okay?

He's, like, 20 years older than me.

He's the president.

So?

Power takes ten years off a man, Handy.

Rich, another ten.

By the time you figure he's in great shape and you're not,

he's younger than you are. Mm-hmm.

So, you want to campaign or not?

Mm-mm!

Mm-mm-mm-mm.

"Better shape."

I know I can kick your ass!

Up and running.

So, how do we kick this thing off, Bert?

Top priority, obviously, is to keep him presidential.

Just pound these moose worshipers

with what his unbelievable experience can bring to them.

Look, if they think about it for half a second,

Harrison can't bring even a fraction of what he brings.

Whatever he is.

And what exactly is he?

Preliminary research says

that he is something that

actually we've never faced before, Mr. President.

And that is…?

He's a genuinely honest man, sir.

Oh, come on, Grace.

All that means is, he's never run for public office.

What do you got, Bert?

FBI, CIA, nothing.

But this turned up in the local paper.

And, uh, that's it?

That's it. We're running

against the pie-eating champ.

AND THINK ABOUT THIS:

He runs for mayor,

but only when he thinks he's unopposed.

He dates the same woman for six years,

but he never pops the question.

What's wrong with this picture?

Well, he won't take risks.

He won't make a commitment.

And any man who won't make a commitment

shouldn't be mayor of anything.

That's good. How do we get that out?

Whisper campaign, at first.

Then radio.

And eventually, we'll have to have some TV spots.

Shouldn't get too expensive, but…

Mr. President.

I'm sure you don't want to hear this.

But would the easiest thing be…

Should we discuss a withdrawal?

Withdrawal?

Grace!

He's the Eagle.

Eagle Cole has never run away from anything in his life!

Not to mention what it would do to his finances.

Finances? Yeah, book deals,

corporate boards, library fund-raising.

You quit, or, God help us, lose to a plumber,

we can kiss those deals good-bye

faster than you can say "Roto-Rooter."

Mr. President, this is not about Mooseport.

It's about winning.

It's about spending

three million dollars to protect 20.

Well, maybe I should commit to that speaking tour.

I-I, uh…

I-I had to cancel that, sir.

You-you what?

It-It seemed obvious.

It was right in the middle of the campaign.

That was millions of dollars.

Well, sir, there is still that offer from the Soova Motors people.

Bullard, the ex-president

of the United States cannot do car commercials.

Oh. But have you seen the car, Mr. President?

Look at this.

It's snappy styling, snappy president, and…

Bullard?

Aw, it's smooth handling,

leather interior.

Bullard, get out.

Get out.

I'll handle the money, Eagle.

Uh, I'm sure that with the library pledges,

something will turn up.

May I stay now, sir?

Go in the corner, out of my eye line.

Thank you, sir.

I can still see you.

Yes, sir.

What about the girl?

What about this Sally-Handy, Sally-Eagle wank-off?

He'll have to cancel the date.

Whoa, whoa. No, he can't cancel the date.

You said it, Bert.

The Eagle doesn't back down.

You clear up what I didn't know

and when I didn't know it, I'll be fine.

Should I draft a press release, Mr. President?

Uh, yeah.

Oh! Oh, no. No. Um…

Call the press, have 'em over here first thing in the morning.

And then get Handy Harrison here to fix the toilet.

You see where I'm going with this, or do I

have to draw you a picture?

No, I see it, Mr. President.

I'm on it.

Let's get to work.

Coming in.

Let's go. Let's go.

Move on through. Move on.

Oh, boy.

Uh-huh, looks like an ambush.

Oh, boy.

Handy! Handy, what are your policies about the…?

Handy, how much is…?

Mr. President?

Mr. President?

Folks, I-I need a word with Mr. Harrison.

Good morning, Handy.

Morning, Mr. President.

Uh, you got toilet trouble, right?

Yeah. Handy, um…

I want to make it clear that when I asked Miss Mannis out,

I had no idea that you two had a relationship.

And even though I find it reprehensible

for any man to interfere in an ongoing romance…

Me, too.

Yeah.

I also believe

that a woman's heart is hers and hers alone to give.

Ah. Yeah.

That's a good point.

Mm-hmm. So, I asked Sally out in ignorance,

and, uh, she agreed to go.

And until she tells me to stand down,

I intend to see her.

Fair?

Call him a horndog.

What'd she say? What'd she say? Horndog?

Well, uh…

if it's okay with you, sir, I'd like to chew on that a bit.

Okay.

Okay, you chew on that, and, um…

if you find that you can't swallow it,

you let me know, and I'll give you the Heimlich maneuver, okay?

Pretty good, sir! Come on in here and fix these toilets.

Are we going to see a date, Mr. President? Where are you taking her, sir?

I don't know what you're gonna see, to tell you the truth.

And thank you so much. Thank you.

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.

I'm in a great mood. Do we have any ice cream?

Absolutely, sir. And I think

we found a way to solve your money problems.

Really? Yes.

Voila.

That's it?

Nothing to it.

You save three million dollars.

Still beautiful.

Excellent. Excellent. Uh, don't even miss it.

Okay, everybody, let's get back to work.

Right away, sir.

Son of a bitch.

Sally!

Plunger, you stay off the couch.

Hello.

Hello?

Hey. Hey, it's me.

What's up? Uh…

What are you doing? You want to go do something?

Want to see a movie or something?

You know I have plans tonight.

I… Oh! That's right. That's right. I forgot.

Tonight's the night you got, uh…

you got a date with the President of the United States.

Uh-huh.

You see this?

"Local vet finds romance with past president."

Ew. Where'd they get that picture?

Yeah. Well, there it is,

next to the president, right on the front page.

So, what about later? I mean, you know,

he must go to bed at, like, 8:30. Right?

So, there's supposed to be a meteor shower at 11:00.

That could be cool.

It'll have to be another time.

All right. It's not gonna happen for 240 years.

But okay, I'll pencil that in.

Like, uh… You gotta…

You gotta tighten these.

Okay, look, if you're doing

all this to-to get me jealous,

it's worked, okay?

So, could you stop it? Huh? Please?

Could you just cancel the date

with the president?

So, that's Wednesday. Then Thursday…

Come in, come in, come in.

Thank you, sir.

Uh, Thursday I thought

that you could interview some of the ghostwriters.

Aw, great, great, great, great.

Where are you taking her?

The Pig and the Whistle.

The only steak house in town.

Supposed to be quiet, intimate.

Do you know it?

It's Pig 'n' Whistle. No.

What do I eat?

I mean, what do I talk about?

Do I have anything in common with this girl?

She's a veterinarian.

Why don't you talk about mad cow disease?

Don't, by the way, order meat.

Why not?

It's just a guess,

but she might not appreciate your wolfing down

the animal she spent all day trying to save.

Good point.

Come on. Wh…

What-What? Do you…?

Do you really actually like this guy?

He wants to talk to me about dogs.

So, why you all dressed up, then?

Because he's the president.

Well, then why you wearing black underwear?

Were you looking up my dress?

Yeah, I was.

Ow!

Oh, get over yourself. I hardly touched you.

How many times do I gotta tell you

how strong you are?

You knuckled my bone.

Listen, explain to me the underwear choice, all right?

Because if you're not attracted… I don't believe this.

What difference does it make what color my underwear is?

It's an unconscious indicator of your subconscious intentions.

Okay. Um…

how you feel about the pink?

No. No.

Um, how about these?

No. No?

Uh… these?

All right. Or do you like

any of these? I don't. We're going

to Sears tomorrow. Or these?

I'm telling you right now.

Oh! Remember these?

Yeah. That we're locking up, okay?

Or you know what?

I could always go with none at all.

I wonder what that would indicate.

Sally.

Sally! Put some pants on!

Hello. Handy's Hardware.

Hello, Pig 'n' Whistle.

No, this is Handy's Hardware.

Good. I'd like to confirm a reservation, please.

Uh, you have the wrong number.

Yes, I know.

For President Monroe Cole.

Strictly confidential, of course.

Confidential?

8:00. For two, yes?

Well, I'll be buggered by a bear.

Uh, yes, you will.

Look forward to seeing you there.

This feels wrong.

And pushy.

And him making her his booty poodle isn't?

Oh. You have to stop saying that. Please.

Thank you.

To new friends.

Lots of them.

Right here, Mr. President.

This way, Mr. President.

Sorry about the gaggle.

I just can't believe they hound you like this.

Ah, you get used to it.

They're kind of like pigeons, you know?

You throw them a crumb once in a while and…

Hello!

Thank you, sir.

Hi, Mom.

Out with the president.

Hm, hm, hm.

Aw, that's great.

Are we ready yet?

Uh… uh…

I hope you're hungry.

Uh, I could eat a horse… radish!

Horseradish.

Sally?

Uh, I'm-I'm not sure yet.

You go first, Mr. President.

Monroe, please.

Monroe.

Let's see. So much to choose from here.

Um… I'll have the baked potato.

Mmm. All right.

Sour cream and butter and Baco Bits. Vegetarian!

Hmm!

Baco Bits.

Uh, I'll have the endive salad and a T-bone.

Sometimes you just want a steak, right?

Yeah.

No turning back.

Get in there. Just go…

Hey, hey, Harrison, hold on a minute.

What's wrong?

Ma'am? Why can't we go in?

Uh-oh. All right. Okay.

Go. Go on.

Okay. All right.

What's going on?

Hi.

Uh… sorry.

Everybody, sorry to interrupt. I was just…

I-I want to let everybody know

that I'm gonna be running for mayor,

and I'd appreciate your votes.

So I'll just hand these out,

and I'll get out of your way. Here you go.

I'm voting for the president.

Hi. Well, good evening, folks.

It's a nice night, isn't it?

Handy for mayor.

Yeah. Running for mayor. Hey. Huh, you got yours?

Hi. Hi, Shelly. Hi.

Handy for mayor. Appreciate it, Irma.

Hey. Just want to remind people that I'm running for mayor.

Yeah, we heard you before. You know, instead of

interrupting everybody's dinner,

why don't you two have a debate?

Debate? Yeah!

Yeah. Have a debate.

No, we're not gonna have a debate.

I'm not gonna bother the president with that.

Oh, no, no, a debate's fine by me.

Hey, you see? Yeah!

Now?

Well, now is not the time or place, Handy.

But, uh, let's say, uh,

the town hall,

Tuesday night.

That's a great idea.

All right, well,

I'll-I'll think about it.

Of course he will.

It'll be fun! Tuesday, town hall. Great!

Okay. All right. You're on.

Okay, why don't we let

everybody get back to their dinner?

All right.

I'll… I'm gonna go in the bar.

You know, maybe there's people

that are drunk enough to vote for me in there.

This is terrific.

Good idea.

What are you mentioning a debate? I'm not gonna…

That's all right. You'll be fine.

I can't talk, I can't even talk to you, I'm not gonna…

You will be fine. Oh, come on.

All right, look, I'm gonna stay. You go. Go.

All right. Hand these out.

Take the truck home, all right?

Put it… Put some gas in it.

Hey. Hi, everybody.

Uh, sorry to interrupt.

Everything all right?

Uh, yes.

Um, would you excuse me for just one minute?

Yes, certainly.

And don't get up.

I kind of know what everybody…

Handy, get the hell out of here.

Now, Sally, I have the right to campaign.

Campaign? You're making a fool of yourself.

Well, welcome to politics.

Discreetly. Discreetly.

What's in it?

They're, uh…

It's beyond me, sir.

What? Should I get it to the FBI?

Yes. No. No, no, no.

Here she comes.

Mr. President!

Watch your step, Mr. President.

It's going well, don't you think?

Mr. President, sir, I've been thinking.

I suggest a handshake, sir.

What?

Yes, sir. It's your first date.

I think that a handshake…

Grace, Grace, I'm doing great here.

I think you're underestimating me.

Mr. President?

Are you gonna see her again?

Mr. President?

Sally, is he a gentleman?

Sally, over here. How'd the date go?

Have you officially dumped Handy, Miss Mannis?

Whoa!

Was that a meteor?

There's supposed to be a shower tonight.

Ah. Maybe it's a good omen.

Huh?

I just want to apologize again for Handy.

I certainly did not tell him where we were going tonight.

I understand totally.

Well…

good night.

I, uh…

Oops!

Yes!

Just a handshake?

A little rusty there, Mr. President?

Mr. President?

Crash and burn, man!

Okay, here it is again.

The President goes in for the kiss.

Out comes her hand.

And no, thank you, Mr. President.

Yeah! Let's get this guy another beer.

All right, let's go to Jaycee

for some more local opinion. Jaycee?

Thanks, Daryl. Yes, we do have

some people here tonight. So, what did you think?

Oh, wait. Guys, guys, guys. Hey. Hey.

He was pushed. He missed all her signals.

Ooh. And you, sir?

Of the president?

Loser.

That's me!

The president got vetoed.

Can you believe it? Definitely the cold shoulder.

Cold shoulder.

The president lost that one.

Do I hear lame duck?

Turn it off. All right? Just-just turn it off!

Come on. Turn it off.

Turn it off. Will you…? Here, Mr. President.

There. It's off.

Well, how do we fix this?

We don't. We concentrate on substance.

We get rid of this debate.

What's wrong with a debate?

Well, putting him on the stage with you

gives him credibility, Eagle.

And he can be funny, sir.

Funny is your weakness.

Not-not weakness.

Uh…

Uh, uh… lesser… strength.

Oh, get out!

Out of your eye line? Or-or the room…?

Just get out! Out!

Dyer, Cloud,

break his leg.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

They know I'm kidding, don't they?

I'm kidding!

I'm just kidding!

♪ She didn't kiss ♪ ♪ the president ♪

♪ Of the United States… ♪

Sally! Sally!

Sal!

All right, I'm coming.

Stay there.

Froggy. Green Boy.

What…?

Wha…?

Sally!

Sally!

Come on!

The frog is empty.

There's nothing in it…

except frog.

Got a rock particle in my eye now.

My eye hurts.

I need a hug.

Sally, just…

For a little bit, we're gonna talk.

Ow!

Wha…? This…

This was a joke.

It was a-a bad joke.

It's a little bit… funny.

Go to sleep,

and maybe…

maybe we'll meet in our dreams.

Like may…

Like you can connect a Nintendo

from one player to the next player.

I'm blowing you a kiss.

It's by the window.

And you… Tomorrow get it

when you wake up.

You brush your teeth, and then you go get it.

All right.

I'm going home.

I hurt my eye.

Home.

Feed my doggie.

Hey, Julie, wait up!

Good evening, fellas.

Testing, testing.

Uh, can y'all hear me?

Sally!

Hey, Dina.

What took you?

Would you stop sweating?

It goes with hyperventilating.

We're all set, Eagle.

You'll be stage right, showing your best side.

Talking points, issue cheat sheets.

Wherever possible, tell 'em about your experience.

Demonstrate all the resources that you can bring to Mooseport.

I'm not afraid of you.

I can't feel my feet.

Your feet are fine.

I can't feel them.

Don't be a weenie. Now, shape up.

How… Is my hair sticking up?

You look… Turn around.

Put it… Put it down already.

Okay, shut your eyes, baby.

Shut your eyes. There you go.

Stop it! Stop…

Look at it, Handy.

Motels are full. Stores are packed.

Do you realize that this is

Mooseport's first traffic jam since… ever!

We gotta have a second debate.

How about it? No!

Mr. President! Hey, y'all! Come on. Let's go.

I'm… My nose is making a whistling noise.

Hey, Handy!

Sorry.

My fellow Americans,

welcome to the first of two televised mayoral debates.

In the grand ol' Mooseport tradition,

a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors

will determine who will answer questions first. Gentlemen.

Show 'em how it's done now.

Handy. Mr. President.

Eagle!

You know the rules.

Rock. Paper. Scissors.

Okay? On the count of three.

Go get 'em, Eagle!

One… two… three.

Rock, rock. Tie. Go again.

Pick paper!

I'd choose scissors! Okay?

Pick a rock. Come on, focus.

Good luck, Mr. President!

One, two,

three… oh, paper, paper. Tie. Go again.

Rock.

Focus! Focus!

One, two, three!

Oh, come on!

Rock breaks scissors.

The president wins!

I am now prepared to entertain questions from the floor.

I got one!

Clay?

Uh, some of them environment people have taken

to calling Ned Barker's pond a wetlands.

Now, I've been fishing there for 30 years.

What's gonna happen?

What's gonna happen? Good question.

Clay,

I was the most environmentally conscious president

since Teddy Roosevelt.

Human population will not threaten

wildlife in this area for 200 years, if ever.

So you go right on fishing in that pond

and if anybody tries to stop you,

you send them to me, all right?

Right on, Mr. President!

Handy?

Come on, Handy. Come on.

That's well put, Mr. President.

It sounds good to me.

Aw, Handy, come on.

My turn! My turn!

Morris! Over here! Over here!

Uh, Frances?

Uh, for ten years now we have needed a stop sign

in front of Lucy Decker's house.

Nah, nah, nah.

And she has done everything

except burn down city hall to stop it.

If elected, what will you do about it?

First off, I would convene

a commission to, uh, study the problem.

I would appoint a blue-ribbon panel of traffic specialists,

right-of-way attorneys and

the Army Corps of Engineers to assess the situation

and make recommendations.

I would spare no effort to make our streets

the safest in the world.

Oh… Get 'em, Eagle!

Handy, your turn.

Gotta go for it!

That's well put, Mr. President.

LUCY, LET ME ASK YOU: What's the problem?

Car headlights.

Ten years ago, they tried a stop sign

and when cars on Bay Street stopped,

their headlights stopped right on my headboard.

Have you tried curtains?

Excuse me?

You know, blackout curtains, for your windows.

You'll probably sleep better anyway.

Well, I'd try that. Nobody ever suggested that.

Well, you come by the store and we'll help you out.

I'll do that.

That's it, Handy.

You tell 'em!

Attaway, Handy!

Dad! Dad!

Mandy Gutman.

Um, Dad, this is a question for Handy. Is that okay?

Well, if the president has no objection.

I reserve the right to respond, but no objection.

Okay, Mandy.

Handy,

I was just wondering,

now that Sally is dating the president…

does that mean that you're available?

Okay, people, can we keep the questioning

to the subject of the election?

Uh, now I think Joe had a question somewhere…

Actually, Morris, I'd like to address the issue, if I might.

Thank you.

Uh, thanks, Mandy, for that question.

Sally, I know…

I-I might not be the best boyfriend, but…

Look, I thought we had a good thing going here.

And you got to know how much I care about you, right?

Why else you think I got so mad about the underwear with the president?

Tell us about the underwear!

Was it a thong?

No, no, no, no, no.

No. It's just… It's a color thing.

Sally, what's the deal?

Are you going out with him or me?

Go for the eagle!

Sally, pick the president.

Eagle! Eagle!

Stop it!

Stop it!

Come on, Sally, choose Handy!

Which one is it gonna be?

Handy! Handy!

Sally!

Sally.

Excuse me. Excuse me. Look out.

Sally! Sally! Sally.

Are you crazy?

Look, you didn't answer the phone

and you took the key out of the frog.

I can't believe you did that.

I just can't.. I can't believe you.

How about what I said up there? Doesn't that mean anything?

I heard you talking about my underwear

in front of the whole town, yes, I did.

The whole country. That's how much I care.

Wait a minute.

You didn't answer the question.

What question?

Is it me or him?

Is it me or your new truck?

Don't try to make this about me, Handy.

It's about you.

How? How is that about me? How…?

Man, she pushed you right down.

Yeah, she's stronger than me.

It's not about me. It's about you.

How? How is it about me?

Well, you heard it here first.

It looks like Sally is going to cast her ballot

in favor of the president.

I'm Christy Adams, TVNN News.

Yeah, baby, you're going down.

So, what do you think?

Should I set up another date,

or what?

Why not?

Excuse me.

Grace?

Grace?

Well, what's her problem?

Maybe she saw the numbers.

You may have done all right with the girl,

but the debate was a disaster.

What are you talking about? This is impossible.

It's a small town, Eagle.

The rules are different here.

Uh… well, you guys are the hotshots.

Brainstorm.

Well?

Uh… sir…

Uh, excuse me, Mr. President?

Yes?

We could eliminate him.

What?

You want to make it look like a accident, of course,

but, uh, maybe his brakes could go out.

Oh, my God.

Or he could slip on an oil slick.

What, are you insane?

Uh, no, sir, I was…

I was just brainstorming.

Did I misunderstand the question?

Thank God you guys are on our side.

Thank you, sir. Thank you, sir.

Uh…

Hello.

Uh… small town politics.

I like three sugars. You only need one.

I like three. Three's unhealthy.

What's eating you? Eating me?

Yes. Somehow you seem irked.

Irked? Really? Irked.

Really.

Well, actually I am a little bit irked,

now that you mention it.

Would you like to know why?

Absolutely.

Sit down there, Grace, and just tell me all about it,

okay?

Well…

when you…

When we first came to live here…

Yes? I…

Excuse me, Mr. President.

Excuse me. Could we have a minute here, please?

Sorry, Eagle, we have an emergency.

Unless somebody's dying,

Bert, I don't want to hear about it.

It's Charlotte.

She's coming here.

Howdy. Handy for mayor.

Vote for Handy. Go to court…

That's right. Uh-huh.

…get a restraining order.

Come on, people, we got to do something about this.

The sure way, sir?

Dyer, this is too smart for her.

Who thought of this?

It was him, wasn't it? Yeah.

Grace, I'll handle this.

Vote for Handy.

I had dignity once.

Does anybody remember that?

Handy for mayor.

Did Handy put you up to this?

Hello, Monroe. What brought you here?

Charlotte, hon, could we talk in private, please?

This is as private as I got for 20 years.

What's on your mind?

Well, sweetie, if, uh, we could just talk alone,

I'm sure we could work something out.

Howdy. Handy for mayor.

Honeybunch, uh, could we go inside, please?

Fine.

Why do you think

she's here, Mr. President?

Okay, Neil, that ought to do it.

President's coming.

Better hide the payroll benefits.

Charlotte,

would you step into my office?

Yes, dear.

Charlotte…

Married couples have a shorthand, Monroe.

Ours is $9 million.

Nine?! I don't have it!

25 years.

A quarter of a century I endured,

and now you're pleading poverty?

You took the house. You took the boat.

You've taken everything but my title!

Hello, this is former

First Lady Charlotte Cole.

I spent 25 years

with Monroe Cole, which is why

I'm supporting Handy Harrison.

Yes, you heard me.

I'm supporting Handy Harrison.

Eagle?

Have I gotten through to you, lambkins?

I never thought you'd stoop this low, Harrison.

I thought this was going to be a fair fight

between two honorable men, but I can see now

that I'm up against somebody who doesn't play by the rules.

No, I don't… Have you no sense of decency, sir?

I'm sorry. Talk about hitting below the belt.

Bringing a man's ex-wife into it.

You're showing your true colors, aren't you?!

Hey!

I had nothing to do with it!

Mr. President?! Watch your back.

That's it. I've had it.

I want them both.

I want you to be thinking about a way to do it, Dyer.

Coming through. Sir.

Is he… is he serious? No! No! No!

'Cause I thought of…

Mr. President, you want a fair fight? Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You just called me dishonorable, sir, and-and-and I'm not.

So if it's a fair fight you want,

just you and me,

I think I know the place.

You're on.

What are we doing here, Harrison?

What are the stakes? Mayor?

No, sir. Sally.

Loser backs off of Sally.

We're both ten handicaps, sir.

Sir…?

Fair fight.

You're on.

Uh, sir, if I could just talk to you

for a quick second.

Show me the way.

Sir, uh,

there's something I'd like to discuss

with you about your ga…

Eye line.

Nice shot.

Thank you.

A little bit left.

Right where I was aiming.

I might drive the green.

Hello!

Wait for me!

What are you doing here?

Just making sure a fair fight's fair.

Call them out, Mr. Dyer.

I'm, uh, sorry, ma'am?

Cloud!

You and your men come on out!

Oh, shit.

Come on! I know you're there!

All right, come on out.

Everyone onto the fairway.

Let's move.

On the fairway. On the fairway.

We're securing the perimeter, Mrs. Cole!

Secure it from there, okay?

Yes, ma'am.

Stay in position.

Hit away, lambkins.

Wait. Wait. Wait for the bounce.

Damn. Take a mulligan.

We're playing for a woman, sir.

There's no mulligans.

What? What do I do?

You've never hit a ball out of bounds before?

Not since I was governor.

You hit another one from here, shooting three.

Three?!

Three.

One,

two… shooting three.

Excuse me, Mr. President?

What?!

You can't beat him, sir.

What are you talking about?

We're the same handicap.

Well, your handicap is augmented.

What are you trying to say?

Well, it was really Miss Sutherland's idea.

Uh, she had Dyer and Cloud and occasionally me,

uh, we helped you

with lucky bounces and scorecard fudging.

Uh, and you can't beat him, sir.

Is there a problem?

No.

No problem.

Ah. That one's in.

Didn't quite get it on the green.

I'll-I'll take it.

You two have helped enough.

Hi, Peggy. Can I get a black coffee?

Sure.

Hello.

Hello.

Here you are, dear.

Thanks.

So I hear they're golfing for mayor.

Actually… they're golfing for you.

No.

Yeah.

- No. - Mm.

Can I make this an Irish coffee?

This okay?

Just…

Oh, that's, uh, five.

That was a gimme.

No, no, no. There are no gimmes.

It was inside the leather.

Yeah, you got to get it in the hole.

I'll take a seven.

Actually, it's 15.

Fifteen?

No way.

Yes, way.

Uh, the president is right. It's seven.

Yeah, it was seven.

Well, let's count them. Let's count them.

One, out of bounds.

Two, back on the tee.

Three, in the rough.

Four, in the sand.

Five, you missed completely.

Oh.

Six, uh, almost out of the sand, but still in it.

Seven, finally, out of the sand into that sand.

Eight, out of the sand into the rough.

That's when you threw your clb at the tree.

Yeah, yeah.

Nine, you almost hit me.

Ten, you did hit me.

11, on the green.

Uh, 12, you putt to six feet past the hole.

That's when you said that curse that I've

never heard before.

13, you putt to one foot from the hole.

14, you missed the putt.

You said, "That's a gimme."

I said, "No, there are no gimmes."

Fifteen, in the hole.

Fifteen.

That was so close.

Okay. All right.

Now… Okay.

Through… the sugars, Mm-hmm.

And then around… the saucer Mm-hmm.

And through the ketchup tunnel. Mm.

And the winner gets Morris Gutman.

Married.

Oh. Kent.

Are you just trying to get me to throw the match?

Reuben.

Who? Who's Reuben? Reuben.

"I said get the president!"

That's a great idea.

The winner gets Reuben. Gets Reuben.

Ready?

Oh, my God. That must mean a do-over.

Okay, Handy,

you're up about a million strokes.

It's the last hole.

How about double or nothing?

What's double? What's nothing?

Well, nothing is, uh…

we're even. Tie.

Status quo.

Uh, double would be, uh, I back off Sally,

drop out of the mayor's race.

You got it.

Okay. Go ahead. You hit.

But, you know…

if I'm gonna risk, uh, all that…

you got to give me something.

You-you got to, uh…

oh, I don't know, uh…

What?

One throw.

Throw?

Yeah, I-I get one throw, because I can't play you even.

You got local knowledge here. You're killing me.

He can't throw, either.

Bury him.

Okay, you get one throw, but…

if we tie… I win.

Well, you… drive a hard bargain.

Okay.

Yeah, baby.

There's the old form back.

Okay.

What?

Hey. Wh-What are you doing?

Hey!

What's that?

I said one throw; I didn't say whose ball.

You're out of bounds.

Click, click, click.

Morning, sir.

Everything all right?

Oh, just dandy.

I'm a ten handicap, and I shot a 142.

You and I have to have a serious talk

about my handicap, Miss Sutherland.

Now, Mr. President?

Later.

I heard you broke even.

At least you didn't lose.

The most humiliating round of my life.

Time to take the gloves off, Bert.

Let's bury this guy.

Well, sir, he's clean as a whistle.

Oh, come on. Surely he did something.

Uh, knocked up a local? Grew marijuana?

Hell, I grew marijuana.

We'll find dirt, Eagle, even if we have

to make it up.

Exactly.

I don't believe this.

What?

Mr. President…

I'm giving my notice. Your notice?

Yes. I can't work here any longer.

Are you drunk, for God's sakes?

We've been together 15 years.

Yes, exactly.

And in all that time,

you have never once gone negative,

at least not first.

And you have never, ever stooped to threats or… harassment.

Grace, he brought in Charlotte.

Charlotte. If that's not harassment, what is?

Mr. President, you have two days…

two hours and 21 minutes

until this election is over,

and then… I'm gone.

What's that?

I think she quit, sir.

Not that. That.

Oh, this? It's the new poll.

Five points.

Five?

Down.

What's the sample size?

Well, come on, Bert, what's the sample size?

Everybody.

Everybody?! This is a disaster!

Not to pile on, sir, but I'm worried

about the book deals, too.

Aw, crap!

It's like some mythic Greek puzzle.

The riddle of the handyman.

Somewhere, the answer.

Sir, let's not panic. This isn't over.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

What's wrong with us?

What? What?

I'll give it to him. It's that simple.

Wait, you don't mean quit.

You can't quit, Eagle.

No, I wouldn't be quitting. That's the beauty of it.

I'll-I'll say how qualified he is,

how he's the best man for the job,

and tonight at the debate, I'll throw him my support.

And if I win, I win… But if I lose,

it's because I made the most magnanimous gesture

in political history.

And people took my advice.

It's brilliant, sir.

Thank you.

And then I'd get the girl, uh…

Uh… Sally.

Sally. Right.

Sally, hey, hi. I'm-I'm here.

I'm-I'm…

getting ready for the debate. Oh.

You… want to come in?

No, I'm gonna get going.

See ya.

Well, hold it. What… what's going on?

What's all this stuff?

Oh…

I, um…

I won Reuben in a putting contest,

so I have to make room for some of his stuff.

You… what?

I know.

I mean, can you imagine

someone actually playing golf to win a person?

No. Look…

No. Don't insult me by trying to defend this,

'cause if I let myself dwell on it,

I am really gonna just lose it.

But look, Sally, it wasn't… easy. I said no.

I just want to settle this amicably, okay?

There's your stuff.

My stuff? Well…

Hold on, hold on. This is yours.

Remember?

From me.

Christmas.

Don't you remember, it was…

that was the year the power went out.

We had that big snowstorm, and…

and we were so frustrated.

We couldn't turn this on

and watch it.

And the power came back, and we turned it on, and…

and you looked so beautiful

by the light of it.

And then we…

you know…

by the light of it.

I remember.

And then we stayed up all night and talked.

Yeah. Yeah.

Do you remember what we talked about?

The future.

We talked about the future, Handy.

Sally, wait.

I don't want to wait anymore.

Good luck at the debate.

Are you coming?

She's not coming.

All right, guys, that's it.

Two minutes. We go in two minutes.

Two minutes, Mr. President.

Excuse me, sir.

My hands are shaking. I can't even go to the bathroom,

I'll pee all over the place. Relax, honey.

I'm not ready for this.

Two minutes, Handy.

Yeah. Thanks. Be on your toes.

Be sharp. You may have won the first debate,

but he's a python.

Gentlemen, I believe we're ready.

It's starting!

Live from the seaport town

OF MOOSEPORT, MAINE: The mayoral debates

with your candidates, Monroe "Eagle" Cole

and Harold "Handy" Harrison.

We take you now to your moderator, Avery Hightower.

Good evening. I'm Avery Hightower.

I am honored

to moderate the second and final Mooseport mayoral debate.

All right!

As is tradition, we will start with a game

of Rock, Paper, Scissors.

Handy! Not scissors.

Gentlemen.

Uh, Mr. Hightower, could I…

I'd like to make a statement first,

if that's okay.

Mr. President?

Well, that's fine.

Uh, uh, I have a statement also.

Just… Okay? Thank you. All right, yes. Gentlemen.

Hey. Hi, everybody.

Hi! Hi, Handy!

I just want to say one thing.

I'm a little embarrassed

about the way I've been running my campaign.

Aw…

An election,

it shouldn't be about personalities, you know?

Or…

or golf…

or who we're dating.

Sally, if you're watching this…

I was wrong to bring our relationship into this.

I'm sorry.

I guess I did it again.

I just brought our relationship into it again.

S-So I'm sorry for that… too.

I guess what I want to say, folks, is…

I think an election should be about the town.

It should be about… what we need

and-and how we can work together to get things done.

The president can do great things for us.

Son of a bitch!

Having him as a mayor,

that's an opportunity that we can't pass up, folks.

Yeah! That's right!

Tomorrow morning,

I'm going to the polls,

and I'm casting my vote for the president,

Monroe Cole,

for the mayor of Mooseport.

Son of a bitch!

Ladies and gentlemen,

what you've just seen is a selfless act.

Handy Harrison…

is Mooseport.

He is Mooseport.

He knows its problems.

He knows its pulse.

He knows its plumbing.

As only a person who lives here can.

So tomorrow morning…

I'm going to the polls,

and I'm walking into that booth

and opening that ballot, that simple piece of paper

that our forefathers gave their lives to secure…

…and I'm casting my vote for Harrison.

Harold "Handy" Harrison!

Let's hear it.

Man, he's good. Mm-hmm.

Well, what you've just seen,

ladies and gentlemen, is politics at its finest,

politics as it should be.

You did good.

Harrison.

Hey, that was something, Mr. President.

You son of a bitch!

You knew I was gonna do that, so you did it first!

I didn't know that. How could I know that? You bugged me!

And what we have just witnessed here on this rare night…

Hey! Bugged you?!

You bugged me! All right, Harrison, back off!

I'm not doing anything!

…is a show of decency.

Let me go!

A show of inclusiveness.

Ow, let go of my arm!

A show of mutual respect.

Gentlemen! Gentlemen! Gentlemen!

Let go of me!

It's time to follow their example.

It is time to…

Let go of me!

Mr. President, are you okay?

I'm gonna get it off, Mr. President.

Ow!

Get it off me!

So, Danny, you see that debate last night?

Did I? Was anybody hurt?

What?

Well, miraculously not, apparently.

Only minor bruises and abrasions.

Any idea what the heck happened back there?

Well, they're saying it was a freak accident, little buddy.

Yeah, very freaky.

Apparently, the stage rigging just snapped

and fell on the candidates while they were shaking hands.

Wow. Well, you know what we say:

It's Mooseport.

Polls open in 20 minutes, Mr. President.

How about a little music to vote by?

Good idea.

♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪

♪ Why can't we ♪ ♪ be friends? ♪

♪ Why can't we be… ♪

Morning, sir.

Morning, Mr. President.

♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪

♪ I'd kinda like ♪ ♪ to be the president ♪

♪ Oh, yeah… ♪

Cloud, uh, pull over here, will you?

How's your nose?

It's okay.

How's your lip and your back?

It's just the lip and, uh, it's fine.

Well, I just assumed your back hurt,

'cause, you know, Irma jumping on it.

Well… see you at the poll.

You want to hit a few?

What, uh, just hit them in the water?

Yeah. It's, uh…

Martha's into scuba and in the spring,

she puts on a wet suit and she goes and gets them.

Somehow or another I can't picture Martha in a wet suit.

Yeah, well, you're lucky.

I can't not picture it.

All right.

Oh! You topped, pulled

and hooked it all in one.

Here. Let me show you. Mr. President, you've shaken a lot of hands.

You…

Shake hands with the club. Like this?

Yes. Now, just look at the ball

and picture like it's the former First Lady.

Just whack it.

You bloodsucking vampire!

Wow!

You two had issues.

Oh, Jesus.

So, uh…

how come you didn't ask her?

Ask her what?

You know.

Oh. Oh…

I don't know. I probably should've.

Scared, I guess.

Well, marriage is a scary thing.

I'd be the first one to tell you that.

But once in a while, there comes along that special girl.

No, I mean, that's just it.

I mean, she is special.

I just figured eventually she'll find somebody else.

And, you know, you always…

you always hope that next guy will be some loser…

not the president.

Handy, on the 16th hole of our match, you laid up.

Yeah. Yeah.

I remember, I did.

You played it safe.

So? You ended up in the water.

I never would've been president of the United States

if I'd have laid up.

Sometimes you just gotta go for the green.

Let's go vote.

Out of the way! Out of the way!

Here he is! Here he comes!

Hank, get them out of the way!

Hold 'em back!

Over here please, Mr. President!

Good morning, ladies and gentlemen…

No, no comments today. There'll be no questions.

There'll be plenty of chances

to get some wonderful photos as soon as he's ready.

Please, one picture!

Right here, the pageantry of…

of democracy at work. That's why we…

Once a politician…

…always a politician.

It's ten minutes past the hour, and there are 20 minutes left

before the polls close in Mooseport, Maine.

With the former president's campaign

spending millions on TV, radio and print advertising,

it's an amazing feat that Handy Harrison's grassroots campaign

still has them neck and neck…

It was so beautiful.

Hello.

Spectacular, isn't it?

I was thinking about…

For once, don't talk, please.

What?

Just listen. Okay? Can you do that?

A long while back, my mom asked me what I saw in you,

and you probably find it hard to believe

that anybody could ask such a thing, but she did.

I see a man I admire, I told her.

A flawed man, certainly, but a man with principles.

Since this Handy thing,

I've seen a man who only cares about ego and power.

A man who will stoop to anything

to win a position he doesn't even want

from someone he probably shouldn't even beat.

And… it angers me. And it-it upsets me.

Oh, and mostly, it just makes me sad.

Grace, look…

Because you used to be better than that, Monroe.

You really were.

And that is no handshake, you son of a bitch.

Sugar, Mr. President?

Oh, uh…

three, please.

No, no, no.

One.

Good morning, Mr. President.

Good morning.

Where's Grace?

I don't know, sir.

Could you find her, please?

Yes, sir.

Let's go.

Eagle, we gotta get moving.

They want you down in town for the announcement.

Announcement?

I can't expose myself to an announcement

without knowing who won. They won't tell me, Eagle.

I've done everything short of bribing them

with a year's supply of beer and night-crawlers,

but I'll get down there and work on it.

You get on that toga and get down to that circus, Eagle.

Please, sir.

Sally, um…

Handy, you back here?

Uh, hey.

It's time, man. Yeah, I know.

Come on. Don't you want to find out if you won?

Or lost? Badly?

I'm gonna… Yeah. Go ahead.

Nah, I'll wait for you. I'm gonna meet you there.

I want to. No, go.

You're my ride, man.

Come on!

Okay. All right. Let's go.

In a few moments, former President Cole

and Harold "Handy" Harrison are due to arrive.

Will big politics and big money carry the day?

Or will the little man prevail?

We shall soon see. Testing.

Testing. Testing.

Oh. Uh, we're just about ready to start.

And, uh… I think I see the president coming now!

Woo-hoo!

And… Oh, there's Handy.

Hey.

Hey. Did you see Sally? No.

When you see her, just let me know, okay? Okay. Okay.

Mr. President, Handy, please come up here, okay?

Sir, the yellow speech is if you win.

Okay. The blue one is if you, uh…

Should I get out of your eye line, sir?

Ah, come on, Bullard.

Hey, how you doing?

How you doing?

Handy, you're the man!

We need you, Mr. President!

In the 240-year history of our fair Mooseport,

there has never been a more exciting mayoral race.

Mr. President. Handy.

My fellow citizens, the new mayor of Mooseport is…

Monroe Cole!

Congratulations. Oh. Thank you.

As I'm sure you all know,

this was Mooseport's largest election turnout ever.

How big a margin?

Tight. Real tight.

But the win's the thing.

It was so close.

Well, that's something, right?

Yeah. Yeah.

In the end, the president won by one vote!

You won by one vote.

One vote? Oh, my God.

It doesn't get any closer.

Wow.

Ladies and gentlemen…

One vote.

…the 23rd mayor of Mooseport,

Monroe "Eagle" Cole!

Thank you, Morris.

Thank you, everybody.

Ladies and gentlemen, once again,

the great American electoral process has…

Folks, you know,

a little while ago,

a person who has been with me for years,

a person who I trust like no one else,

reminded me of my principles.

Shook some sense into me.

So, I have a confession to make.

I said that I would vote for Handy.

I-I didn't.

I voted for myself.

So my first act as mayor is to turn the job over

to the rightful winner, Handy Harrison.

Handy, come on over here.

Let's hear it for Handy.

Whoo! All right!

Come on.

Yeah!

Mr. President… uh…

Attaboy, Handy!

Folks, I have a confession to make, also.

I voted for myself too.

What?

You won this thing fair and square, Mr. President.

You…

So my first act as mayor is to turn the job back over

to the rightful winner, Mr. Monroe Cole!

Yeah! Yeah!

Hmm!

There's no beating you, is there?

Not on this one, sir.

All right, I accept.

No, he won.

Well, tell Harper Collins

Random House is back up to 20 mil.

Hmm. Yes, please do.

And tell them to send me half.

See you in D.C.

Huh?!

Any sign of her? Uh, yes, sir.

Agent Cloud found her, sir. She's at the airport.

Airport? Yes, sir.

Come on. Let's get moving. You got it.

Look, Sally, uh…

I don't know… Uh…

Hey, Handy. Nice try.

Oh, thank you. Thank you, Jackie.

Hi, Handy. Hi, Sophie. Hi.

Look, Sally, how you doing?

Oh…

God, just-just do it. Just do it.

Hey, Handy!

I just saw what you did!

Oh. I couldn't believe it!

Thank you. Thank you, Reuben. Yeah.

I voted for you!

Oh…

Oh, well, well, you don't even like me. Sorry.

Huh? What?

What?

Oh.

No!

No. No.

Please. Please. Please.

No!

Oh… Nice!

Ladies and gentlemen,

Trans Capital Flight 27 to Dulles has been delayed.

Please bear with us,

and we'll let you know as soon as we know.

Grace?

Grace. Here, Mr. President.

What are you doing here?

I gave my notice, remember?

Oh, Grace. Come back.

No.

No.

Grace… look at me.

Swear to God, I'll never have more

than one sugar in my coffee for the rest of my life,

if you'll have me.

And no salt.

The former President of the United States

is down on his knees.

And that's no handshake, either.

I'll go down on my knees again. Uh, no. No, no.

You certainly took your time.

What if my plane had left?

Oh, you haven't heard.

I'm the mayor now.

This is Cloud. Clear the flight.

Turns out that I have a little bit of pull

here at this airport now.

Flight 27 passengers,

we've now been cleared for takeoff.

Congratulations, Mr. President.

That would be, "Congratulations",

Mr. Mayor."

Congratulations, Mr. Mayor.

Great.

Congratulations, Mr. Mayor.

Congratulations, Mr. Mayor.

Come on.

Are you doing the plumbing for the whole town now?

No. I came to see you.

Through the drain?

Just… one second.

Look, Sally,

I was…

I was gonna prepare this whole speech.

What?

I was gonna prepare this whole speech, okay?

But I think, you know,

it's better if I just say this out of the moment.

All right.

The truth is, you're beautiful.

And you're smart and wonderful.

And…

And I'm not… I'm not.

Handy, I…

Hang on, 'cause I'm-I'm in the moment now.

This whole thing, it's-it's made me take

a-a pretty hard look at myself.

And… I'm not smart, and-and I'm not beautiful.

But… but hell, I just beat

the most popular president in history.

So, maybe I'm okay.

Almost. You almost beat him.

Sally, between me and you, just our little secret,

I beat him.

I… do you think I would of voted for myself

after I told the whole town I wouldn't?

You gave it away?

Why?

Because-because he needs it. I don't. I…

I only need you.

And that's…

that's my speech.

Oh, Handy.

Oh, hold on. I got…

I got you something.

Dirt? No. It's…

It's-it's dirty, but…

Oh.

Look, I don't know how you feel.

Is that a "yes" kiss?

Yes.

It's dirty now, but it's-it's really…

It's beautiful. It's beautiful.

It's, uh, big and…

That's not just one diamond.

There's diamonds on the side.

It's diamonds and mud.

Oh, did I say in the speech…?

I forgot the whole part about how much I love you.

I didn't say it, but… Yes, I didn't…

You know, there's no…

I didn't make a word thing out of it,

but you can't even measure it. It's like…

Like, if you take the sun…

You can take the heat from that sun and you…

If you put all of that in a love container, you…

Got it. You get it?

Yes.

But you said yes anyway. So this is all extra.

It's like a bonus to it.

But it's…

My heart's beating fast. Let's go.

Plunger, come on.

Come on.

How'd it get in the sewer? Oh, that's…

You know, things just happen to me.

Yeah.

Did I happen to notice you're wearing a thong?

Oh!

Oh, my God!

Are you okay?

Oh! You did it again.

I barely touched you.

Okay, look, you know, if this marriage is gonna work,

you're gonna have to realize how strong you are, okay?

You are… You're stronger than me.

Just accept it.

I'm not stronger than you.

Yes, you are. I'm a girl.

That's right. So, it hurts physically and emotionally.

Come on, boys. Oh!

Ooh, what about this?

Bow on my head.

A bow on your… In white, I would buy it.

No, I'm serious. I like that neckline.

A white bow. Excuse me, ladies.

Uh, is Handy around?

Handy? You've got company.

Hey. How you doing?

Congratulations, Handy.

You almost beat the most popular president in history.

Oh, well, thank you. No hard feelings, right?

Are you kidding?

Let me cut to the chase.

What are you doing in about two years?

What do you mean?

How does "Governor Harrison" sound to you?

Governor? Well…

Yeah, no. Thank you.

We've got a real possibility here.

I… Listen, thank you very much.

I appreciate that you're thinking about me

and everything, but, um,

I-I'm kind of happy right where I am.

Well, I'll respect that.

Okay.

Have a good day.

Hey, uh, hold on one second.

Let me just ask you.

Can a governor kind of tell a mayor what to do?

Oh, yeah.

Ow! What…?

♪ I may be ♪ ♪ the mayor of Simpleton ♪

♪ But I know one thing, ♪ ♪ and that's I love you ♪

♪ When their logic grows cold ♪ ♪ and all thinking is done ♪

♪ You'll be warm in the arms ♪ ♪ of the mayor of Simpleton ♪

♪ I guess I wasn't around ♪ ♪ when brains were handed out ♪

♪ Please be upstanding ♪ ♪ for the mayor of Simpleton ♪

♪ Or get past the cover ♪ ♪ of your books profound ♪

♪ Please be upstanding ♪ ♪ for the mayor of Simpleton ♪

♪ And some of your friends ♪ ♪ think it's really unsound ♪

♪ That you're even seen ♪ ♪ talking to me ♪

♪ Well, I don't know ♪ ♪ how to write a big-hit song ♪

♪ And all crossword puzzles, ♪ ♪ well, I just shun ♪

♪ I may be ♪ ♪ the mayor of Simpleton ♪

♪ But I know one thing, ♪ ♪ and that's I love you ♪

♪ I'm not proud of the fact ♪ ♪ that I never learned much ♪

♪ Just feel I should say ♪

♪ What you get is all real, ♪ ♪ I can't put on an act ♪

♪ It takes brains to do that, ♪ ♪ anyway, anyway, anyway ♪

♪ And I can't unravel riddles, ♪ ♪ problems and puns ♪

♪ And my home computer ♪ ♪ has me on the run ♪

♪ I may be ♪ ♪ the mayor of Simpleton ♪

♪ But I know one thing, ♪ ♪ and that's I love you ♪

♪ You'll be warm in the arms ♪ ♪ of the mayor… ♪

♪ Please be upstanding ♪ ♪ for the mayor of Simpleton ♪

♪ Please be upstanding ♪ ♪ for the mayor of Simpleton. ♪