All language subtitles for Modern Family.S09E08 - Brushes with Celebrity.720p.HDTV.x264-AVS - m

What was my best brush
with celebrity?

Oh, this is such a good one.

One time I saw Jack Nicholson
at the car wash.

I can't go through this again.

Jack Nicholson does not drive
a Hyundai Odyssey

with a Co-Exist bumper sticker,
Cam.

Being in the closet business,
I met a lot of famous people.

I can't name names,

but let's just say it's someone
who's the boss.

- You met Bruce Springsteen?
- No, Tony Danza.

Oh, from the TV show?
Nah, she was the boss.

It's open to interpretation.

I saw Santa Claus at the mall.

"The Unwitting Miss Castle."
What's that about?

It's about three persecuted women
in different time periods,

or one time traveler
with incredibly bad luck.

I don't know which.

Somehow, I was able to join
a very exclusive book club

filled with the most
intelligent women.

I can never seem to impress them.
They use words like "sanguine."

I don't want to look like an idiot,
so I use it, too.

Isn't that the most sanguine thing
you ever heard?

You're not using it right.

I've read
the same chapter eight times...

still don't get it.

Just say, "It holds a mirror
up to society."

You'll get your "C"
and get out of there.

Huh.

- Good morning.
- Hi.

Who's that young thing?

Wow, what's up with the outfit,
Mod Squad?

Oh, yeah, I'm, uh...
I'm showing a house to someone.

- Oh.
- I'd rather not say who it is.

- I totally get that.
- It's Chris Martin from Coldplay.

- Come on, really?
- It's not a big deal.

Says the man who spent
most of last night

sewing that flower onto
his jeans.

Okay, it's a really big deal.

I'm meeting the man
who sings how I feel.

Yes, his music is so
sanguine.

Eh, closer.

Never been a big Coldplay guy.

I'm more into hip-hop, death metal,
"Little Mermaid."

That one really imprinted on me
back in the day.

- My stomach feels weird.
- You're probably just nervous.

Ooh, maybe you need someone
to come with you.

No, he's there to buy a house,
not talk about music,

which is why I'm not even
gonna mentionthat

I'm a songwriter, too.

Oh, you wrote one song.

- I said everything I had to say.
- About a realtor.

It was about life!

This is why
they mock you at book club.

♪♪

♪♪

*MODERN FAMILY*
Season 09 Episode 08
Title: "Brushes with Celebrity

Oh, here's a brush with celebrity
I can actually talk about.

Last summer, I was called upon

to participate in the most
American of traditions...

getting out of jury duty.

Do you have any experience
with law enforcement?

Big time.
I-I don't trust, uh, cops.

Also, I despise robbery victims.

They're the real criminals
for clogging up our court system.

- Nice try, Juror 3.
- What about economic hardship?

The last time I missed work,
the California closet market collapsed.

Some people think that
caused the L.A. Riots.

I must be done talking.

I'm going into labor.

Ma'am, Ma'am, everything's
gonna be all right.

Bailiff, help Juror 11
with anything she needs,

and bring in the next alternate.

Uh, as her Lamaze coach,

I think I should probably
be out in the hall with...

Terry Bradshaw.
I love Terry Bradshaw!

Juror 11, is there anything
that might prevent you

from serving effectively on this jury?

No scheduling conflicts,
Your Honor.

However, I am going through
kind of a rough patch right now.

You see, I lost my best friend.

Or did he just find one?

But I'm happy to serve.

I believe in the
American legal system,

and I believe it's
all about teamwork.

That's a touchdown of an answer,
champ.

Uh, this lady here...

put me down for that.

Are you ready for some justice?

- Oh, my God.
- What? A celebrity?

- It's Sam Anvilmaker.
- Who?

He wrote "The Forgetters
and the Forgotten"?

"Farce, American Style"?
"Screw You For Reading This"?

What the hell is happening?

Yes, that one, too!
He's my favorite playwright.

Why don't you go over
and tell him that you're a fan?

Maybe he can give you
some advice.

No, no,
I wouldn't want to bother him.

He's notoriously private.

He writes in a hollowed-out tree
somewhere in Montana.

- Don't be nervous.
- It just doesn't feel right.

Manny, if somebody admired
my work as much as this,

I would like to know.

- Go.
- Okay. Here we go.

- Uh, excuse me, Mr. Anvilmaker?
- Let me guess...

I'm the reason
you want to be a writer.

Yeah, actually.

Your first play changed
the way that I looked at...

Look, listen, kid.

I'm not here to collect panties
with phone numbers on them.

I'm here to experience the cold
absurdity that is being alive.

So go and find someone else
to venerate.

Oh, uh...
Sorry for bothering you.

Here's a writing tip...

show me you're sorry for
bothering me. Don't tell me.

Okay, let's take a picture
of the two new best friends.

Come together.

I should never have left
my tree.

And then, I saw Daniel Day-Lewis
at our dry cleaner.

Not him. No.

Uh, the time we actually saw

a celebrity
was last December

when we were shopping
for gardening supplies.

I'll never forget the feeling
of having Lincoln

look directly into my eyes
and saying,

"We couldn't get
the barbecue sauce out."

We both don't need a pair.
We can just share these.

And what if I want my own?

We share everything.
We share a toothbrush.

- We do? Oh...
- Oh, my... Oh, my gosh.

There's the guy who hosts that home
makeover show we love so much.

- What? Where?
- It's Scott Hunter.

Scott Hunter is right over there.

Every week, Scott Hunter,
the host of "I Beg Your Garden,"

selects an unsuspecting couple
at a home store.

Yeah, he taps them
on the shoulder and says,

"I beg your garden."

What?! Oh, my God! I can't believe it!

That's how it goes every time.

Every time.

Where are the cameras?

I know. I wish I would've worn
something more colorful.

Okay, you know what?
We have to get on the show.

Can you imagine
a backyard makeover,

what he would do with ours?

Yeah, one word,
three syllables,

starts with "gah," ends with "zebo."

- Gazebo.
- I love gazebos.

I do, too! Now that I'm thinking
about it, I have to have one.

- Oh, my gosh.
- Wait, we work hard.

We deserve to stand in the shade
a few inches off the ground.

Yeah. Okay, you know what?
Let's go get tapped.

Hm, what's over here?

I don't know. Oh, my gosh, Mitchell,
do you like this planter?

It would go great
in our hopelessly

outdated and neglected
backyard.

Well, I love it if you love it.

And what do you think of
these pavers?

Oh, I think they go great
with that gazebo

- we've always dreamed of having.
- Oh, forget it. He's gone.

W-What did we do wrong?
We were pleasant.

You know what?
Maybe we were too nice.

Couples on those shows
always have conflict.

So do we. When's the last time
we agreed on anything?

We... We're constantly bickering.

I know, sometimes it reveals
something deeper,

but not always.

You know what?

Let's go show him our

delightful brand
of bitchy friction.

I was thinking the exact
same thing.

- Stop seeing eye-to-eye with me.
- Sorry, sorry.

Let's go find him
and drum up an argument.

Yeah, terrific idea.

I'm not doing it on purpose.
I'm just...

Oh, ow.
What is going on?

My gro... oy... oh!

This was a nightmare.
I was about to meet my hero,

and I was experiencing
this bizarre pain in...

in my...
nether region.

Wait, I'm a grown man.
I should be able to say it...

my left bean bag... did it again.

My tersticle... That's as close
as I think I'm gonna get.

Hello?

Hey, hey!

Welcome, welcome,
welcome.

- Phil.
- Hey, I'm Chris.

- Oh!
- Hey, what's wrong?

Oh, nothing.

You thought
I'd be better looking.

People think that
because the rest of the band

- look like hobbits.
- No, no, no. It's...

- It's a little...
- Hey.

I love your flower jeans.
Where did you get those?

They're from a store.

Well, they're very me.
They're very me.

Do you remember
the name of the store?

- Actually, I embroidered them myself.
- Impressive.

When you're ready for it,
you get a T-shirt,

you put it on top of a long-sleeve,

then it lets everybody know
you own multiple shirts.

Impressive.

So, mate,
shall we have a trod-a-bout?

I'm flattered.

I'd rather just keep it professional,
have a walk around.

Oh, that's not what... Oi... I meant...

Terry was just sitting
there by himself

because everybody's always afraid
to talk to the prettiest girl,

except this guy.
It's all about confidence.

Excuse me, Mr...

Excuse me,
Mr. Bradshaw.

Jay Pritchett, juror number 3.

Terry. Call me Terry.

- How you doing, Terry?
- Hi. Good. You?

Hey, this robbery case, huh?

Now, I know we don't have
all the facts yet,

but I think it might be hard for me
to lock up a... "Steeler."

I try to keep it light.
You might if I join you?

No, no, no, free country.
Sit down.

He said "yes"!

The '70s, it was a better game.

You guys did everything...
offense, defense.

Didn't I see you mow the field
one night before the game?

You know, that's how
I made my money?

I can't actually believe that I'm having
lunch with Terry Bradshaw.

I mean, from football fame

to country music stardom
to big-screen idol.

"Smokey and the Bandit II."
Now that was a challenge.

To play yourself,
that can be kind of tricky.

- I thought you stole the movie?
- Ah, stop that. You're too kind.

You know, not everything I touch
turns to gold.

I mean, I've had my share
of missteps along the way.

Well, right, like
"Failure to Launch," right?

- Sorry?
- You should be.

I mean, that thing was
a real stinker.

I happen to be proud of
that movie.

I mean, that's some of the best work
I've ever done.

No, you were good, yeah.

But, I mean, don't worry about it.
Nobody saw it.

Yeah, well.

Guess it's about time
we get on back in, huh?

Same time tomorrow.

Hey, I'm wide open.

Like in football.

Nobody speaks to my son like that.

No, no, Mom, Mom, Mom.

Please don't get up and

make a scene and
embarrass me more.

- I'm begging you.
- Okay, but you don't ave to block me in.

I am not crazy.
I am not the

hot-headed Latina
that you all make me out to be.

You sent a cow heart to
a children's soccer referee.

Manny,
what else was I supposed to do?

Look,
what happened was a good thing.

He was teaching me
the focus required

to live the life of an artist,

and that is a very valuable lesson
that I'll cherish forever.

Okay, Papi, if you're happy,
then I'm happy.

Why don't you pick your dessert?

Hmm. I wouldn't say no to an almond
cookie and an espresso and...

You're gone, aren't you?

- Honey, I'll take another...
- Shut up. That's my son over there.

He opened his beautiful soul to you,
to praise you,

to get some advice from you,
and you were mean to him?

Come on, we both know that your attitude

is just a defense mechanism

to protect the tiny, little ego
from the truth...

that you don't deserve any praise,
that you're a fraud,

that you're just a big, fat nobody.

All men break the same.

What's happening?
What is all this?

- Go up the next aisle.
- Okay.

Oh, God, I'm loving these
new pavers we picked.

You know what, I'm starting
to have second thoughts.

Oh, no, this isn't gonna be
another conflict

- between us, is it?
- Oh, gosh,

I don't want another conflict.

- Privy.
- Okay.

Okay, you're...
you're not actually putting

a reclaimed wood piece
in our cart, are you?

- That's great, that's great.
- No. The whole

"reclaimed wood" aesthetic

is an insulting appropriation
of barn culture.

No, I'm being serious.
It's like when Madonna wore overalls!

- You're good.
- Mitchell, take it out I don't want it.

- I think it's pretty.
- I think it's pretty offensive.

Okay, rein it in.

Oh, there she is, Mother Superior.

Okay, Rumple-thinskin.

Okay, you know what?
I don't need this.

- I'm just gonna go wait in the car.
- Perfect, yeah, run away.

And just FYI
the reason I like

barn wood is cause
it reminds me of you.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I mean I-I know that you
get homesick sometimes,

and I-I want to bring a little,
you know, country into our house.

I'm sorry.
Didn't mean to offend you.

Oh, you didn't offend me.

I'm just being oversensitive
like you said.

I'm just being
my normal snooty self.

I don't... I don't know
how you put up with me.

I don't know
how you put up with me.

- I do.
- Mm.

Excuse me.

- Yes?
- Oh, yes? Hi.

- I just need to get by.
- Okay.

- He didn't say it.
- He didn't say it.

And last, but not least,
the city at your feet.

Yeah. I'm still kind of flabbergasted
that there's no bubble machine.

It's okay. I can install my own.

- Oh, you're judging me?
- No, no.

Maybe you're right.

Maybe I am losing touch
with who I am.

All I really need is
three chords and a mattress.

And my chef.

Uh, hey, Phil,
what's happening here?

- Oh, not too much.
- Phil?

Oh, my God,
you've gone all yellow.

That's like your song.

Funny thing...
I also like to write mu...

Phil?

What happened?

Mr. Dunphy,
you have acute orchitis.

It's a massively inflamed testicle.

I'm giving you
an I.V. bag of antibiotics

and some pain meds because...

Oh, boy.

So embarrassed.

I can't believe I passed out
in front of a rock star.

Please tell me he didn't know why.

Oh, brilliant, you're awake.
I've got some ice for your biscuits.

No. No, no, no, no, no!

Oh! Oh, that really...
Oh, that feels so good.

Terry, can we talk?
Please don't shut me out.

I know I messed up,

and I'm so sorry for my...
failure at lunch.

- Sir, please sit down.
- Do you mind?

- Same seats.
- Let's proceed.

Juror number 10,
has anyone in your family

ever been the victim of
a violent crime?

- Well... my mother...
- Psst! Not you, keep going.

Oh, actually, could you tap him
on the shoulder?

Juror 11, is this man bothering you?

You talking about
the movie critic right here?

- Absolutely, he's bothering me!
- Objection!

I request permission
to approach Mr. Bradshaw.

No! I mean, denied!
Look, that's not a thing you can ask.

Your Honor, we'd like
to dismiss Juror number 3.

What?! No, no. I'll be good. I promise.

Sir, you have to leave now.

Fine. I'm going.

I'll be waiting
in the parking lot, buddy.

Judge hit me with a restraining order.

But Terry had to sign it.

We're gonna get through
this together, Phillip.

I guess I just don't understand
why you're here.

Well, because you really
reached me back there,

and I realized I got to be
more of a regular guy.

Mr. Dunphy, I have your...
Chris Martin.

Wow. I'm a huge fan.
Can I get a picture with you?

No. I want a picture with you.

Come on. Let's do it.

- Phil, 25 million followers.
- No, thank you.

Uh, I'd love some privacy.
Is there maybe a room opening up?

Phil? Honey? I came just
as soon as Chris called me. Hello.

Claire, I've got to say, uh...

You're even more beautiful
than you are in Phil's photos.

Pbht!

- I like your music.
- Well, thank you.

Claire, can I talk to you
for one second.

- Yes, of course, sweetie, yes. Yeah.
- Yeah.

I want Chris Martin to leave.

Hm? What? Why?

It's weird that he's here
when I'm like this,

and he's attracting attention.

Oh, I don't think... yeah, okay.

- Claire?
- Mm...

Oh, you're not gonna like this.

- This is so exciting!
- You invited your book club?!

We're huge fans.

A book club sounds kind of regular.

I should join one of those.

There's about to be an opening in ours.

I'm the one who invited you here.

And what are you beautiful,
uh, scholars reading?

"The Unwitting Miss Castle."

Mm. I love that book.

Although I did find the fences metaphor
a little mundane.

- Oh, yes. Pretentious.
- Completely agree.

I said the exact same thing
last week,

and you guys just
rolled your eyes at me.

Claire, don't be such a Mrs. Devereaux.

Twinsies!

- That is so you!
- Hey, Phil. Our photo got 25,000 likes.

- Phil?
- Phil?

Ohh...

Oh, it's probably all the meds.
I'll handle this.

I've been to Burning Man
with Keith Richards.

No, no, no. I'll handle it.

I've been on vacation
with my mother.

Hey...
Where are you off to, stranger?

Honey, I need to be alone.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry I invited
the girls from book club.

It's...
I just wanted them to like me.

I can't believe this happened.

This was supposed to
be such an amazing day.

I know. Is there anything I can do
to make it better?

Yes. You can make Chris Martin
go away, now.

I'm so sorry, guys.
Oh, I didn't mean to cause a...

Oh, no, no, no, no.
It's... it's not you personally.

No, no, no, it is me.
I'm a distraction.

Everyone wants to say "hi"
or they want to take a picture

or they want to sleep with me.

- They sure do.
- Shut 'er down, Marie.

And it's a nightmare.
It's beginning to affect my creativity.

The last song I wrote
was about my helicopter.

I was too ashamed to release it.

I had to sell it to Qantus
for $1 million.

Your problems are so sanguine.

- Is that how you use that word?
- Nobody knows.

Oh, anyway, I wish there
was something I could do

to make this all better.

You could buy that house.

No, Phil. Thanks to you,
that's the old me.

Oh, good.

I know something
you could do for him.

♪ You've been looking
for your own special space ♪

♪ Somewhere you can call
your resting place ♪

♪ You've been looking for
your kids and your spouse ♪

♪ It's time time to buy yourself
a Dunphy house ♪

♪ Oh, Dunphy, Dunphy, Dunphy ♪

♪ They're affordable
and comfy, comfy, comfy ♪

I can't believe he's actually
making it work.

Why would he not pick us?

Yeah, we gave him
everything he wants...

- a fight, reconciliation...
- Yeah.

Not to mention
we're camera-ready.

It's everything
TV wants to be.

I mean, what does
he want us to do,

- write the episode for him?
- Yeah, America deserves

to see us get a free gazebo.

There he is.

I have half a mind
to go over there and confront him.

- And confront him.
- Yeah, well, I have the other half.

- Wait, wait.
- Hi.

- Hi.
- Hi. Excuse us.

- Can I help you guys?
- Yeah, how about an explanation?

Why aren't you picking us
for your show?

Yeah, what... are we not sexy enough?

- Not young enough for your demo?
- Wait, no, is it 'cause we're gay?

You know, I've actually
never seen a gay couple

- on your little program.
- Yeah, or a P.E. teacher

- slash vice principal.
- He's literally that.

Just tell us
why you're not picking us.

Guys, I don't have a show
anymore.

- Please, we just saw that episode...
- Yeah.

- Deb and Don in San Antonio last week?
- Yeah.

Don wanted a place to grill.

- We got canceled, like, two years ago.
- What?

- What, why?
- It's such a popular show!

Look, uh...

The network fired me...

- Why?
- When they found out

that I had this website
where people paid

to watch me build stuff naked.

- Is that so?
- How naked?

- Very.
- You know what,

why are you hanging out
in the aisles of a home store?

- I work here. Ohh.
- You do.

- Yeah.
- Oh.

Hey, if you did
still have a show, um...

- would you pick us?
- Umm...

It costs you nothing
to say "yes."

Oh, my God, we agreed again.

- Ohh.
- Aww.

I begged you not to go over there.
I'm so embarrassed.

Why? He's the one crying.

My favorite part was

when he was gasping for air
between sobs,

like a baby.

Look at him.
He's broken.

What if he never writes again?

Okay, I'll apologize to the
12 people

who still go out and
watch plays.

You do know
I'm a theater major, right?

Yes, and when you're
a great play writer

and you go to a restaurant...

if you can afford it...

then you're gonna be nice to strangers,

because that's
the right thing to do, okay?

Excuse me.
I don't mean to interrupt.

But I saw what happened before,
and I'm sorry about that.

But the way you stood up
to that jerk Anvilmaker

was kind of amazing,
yeah. Good for you.

And young man, listen...
if this makes you feel any better,

- he did the same thing to me.
- Oh.

That's very nice of you to say.
Thank you so much.

So...

You know, I, uh... I write.

Oh, boy.

No, it's not like
I'm just some, you know, some...

excuse me... some...

you know, just some city slicker who...

who doesn't know
what he's talking about.

But, uh... if I could
teach you one thing,

just one thing
that you learn from this,

it'll make your plays sound
and look marvelous.

You know?

So, the most important thing is to...

is to know that writing
is really re-writing.

You may want to jot that down.

Uh... And then change it.

Did you see what I did there?

You know what? We really need
to be somewhere right now.

- Yeah, we better go.
- Okay.

- Yeah.
- All right.

Okay, thank you.

- Mm-hmm.
- Hm.

I'm sorry, we didn't realize
we were so annoying. Our bad.

Have fun storming the castle!

Nothing. I'm gonna shave.

♪♪

♪ Come feel the thrill,
thrill, thrill ♪

♪♪

♪ Of Phil, Phil, Phil ♪

♪♪

♪ The thrill, thrill, thrill ♪

♪♪

♪ The thrill of Phil ♪

- Could you turn that down, please?
- Oh!

Uhh, everybody.

♪♪

♪♪

So, I couple of quick thoughts...