Original subtitles

Look at my sexy lady on her business trip.

How's it going up in San Francisco?

CLAIRE: Well, it's a sports bar,

so the redesign's pretty simple.

I'm basically just putting in everything

eight-year-old you would have wanted in our house.

Anyway, I can't believe your dad decided to make

a last minute trip; that's so not like him.

Yeah, he loves planning ahead.

In third grade, they asked him what he wanted to be

when he grew up, and he said, "15 minutes early."

Well, I'm bummed to miss him.

You guys are so cute together.

You sing the same songs,

and tell jokes and work stories,

you're always dancing. (LAUGHS)

You know what, actually, I'm fine to be missing this weekend.

But I am sad to be missing

our little saturday night routine.

Ooh. You mean, 60 minutes of intense,

mind-bending pleasure?

(LAUGHS) More like seven minutes of that,

followed by 53 of us just housing Ben & Jerry's.

Well, either way, this hubby's getting chubby.

Well, you know, we could, uh,

try a little something over FaceTime.

Ooh, you bad.

I'm about to get all up in that bandwidth.

'Cause you know you drive me crazy even in pixel form.

With those gorgeous eyes and that adorable...

Hold on, Cooper's in the house.

Okay.

Cooper, you've met my spouse, Claire Davis.

- Hi, Claire. - Hi.

Don't mind Jake. He gets weird when people hear us

being romantic on the phone.

All right, well, bye, Jakey-poo. I love you.

My little buttercup, you're just so cute.

Interesting. And for thee, I, too, feel affection.

- All the best and good day, madame. - (KNOCKING ON DOOR)

MIKE: I have a delivery for Jake Davis.

(LAUGHING): Oh-ho-ho. Who might that be?

- It's your daddy! - Daddy!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Oh, good to see you.

Oh. Oh, man.

Oh, it's so good to see you, Jake.

It's good to see you, too, man.

You never come visit out of the blue.

What brings you out here?

- Well, I found out I was dying. - What?

To see you!

I miss you.

Plus, I'm curious about this, uh,

pop star roommate of yours.

Oh, right. Okay, well,

just remember, Cooper likes living a simple life,

so it's best just to act normal around him.

Jake, I'm a lead accountant with the Boston Celtics.

I'm around celebrities all the time.

Hey, Mr. Davis.

(SQUEALING)

Coop-burger.

- I love you, man. - Oh.

I love your tunes.

You're just awesome.

Thanks. It's so nice to meet you.

Yeah, same.

In fact...

♪ I feel like I've known you ♪

♪ My whole life... ♪

- One of my songs. - Yeah.

With a, with a lot more eye contact than I'm used to.

♪ When I'm with you ♪

♪ My whole world disappears ♪

♪ Gone are my worries ♪

♪ And erased are my fears ♪

- Dad. Dad. Dad. Dad, stop. - ♪ When I'm with you. ♪

Stop, dude.

Geez.

So we can hit him with that (sing-songy): remix.

- Re-re-remix! - (BEATBOXING)

JAKE AND MIKE: ♪ When I'm with you ♪

♪ My whole world disappears ♪

♪ When I'm with you ♪

♪ My whole world disappears ♪

♪ Gone are my worries ♪

♪ Erased are my fears ♪

♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah. ♪

Hey, guys.

- Hey, guys, guys, stop, stop. - (JAKE AND MIKE CONTINUE SINGING)

Stop. Stop. Stop. Come on.

It goes like this.

One, two, three, four.

♪ When I'm with you ♪

♪ My whole world disappears ♪

♪ Gone are my worries ♪

♪ Erased are my fears ♪

♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah. ♪

♪ Imagine me and you, I do ♪

♪ I think about you day and night ♪

♪ It's only right ♪

♪ So happy together ♪

(VOCALIZING)

- Synced and corrected by martythecrazy - - www.addic7ed.com -

So I look up at the clock, time is running out.

The whole year has led to this moment.

And my team, they're counting on me.

It's April 15,

tax day.

Tax day.

And I only have ten minutes

to finish Paul Pierce's tax return

- or I got to file the extension. - JAKE: Ah.

This is why you get in the accounting gig.

MIKE: I got a receipt

for a Mango Jamba Juice right next

to a receipt for a Mango Ferrari.

And that's when the roller ball on my mouse gives out

just like my fake tooth when I bite into an apple.

He's got a fake tooth, when he bites into a...

Yeah, I heard. That's the one part I do understand.

So now, I'm filing deductions using the toggle column

on the scroll bar, and lowering

the track piece like it's 1996.

Oh!

You got to tell me how it ends, Cooper, I'm too nervous.

And that, my friend, is when my computer freezes.

No!

You were listening.

I was listening.

So I did the only thing I could,

I hit the back button

and re-entered the tier one deductions

from memory.

Are you not entertained?!

Judging from that reaction,

that's a great story, Mr. Davis.

- Oh, yeah, man. - Oh, yeah.

Speaking of basketball,

I'm singing the national anthem at the Lakers game tomorrow

if you guys want to come.

Uh, that depends on who they're playing.

- They're floor seats. - That's my favorite team.

(LAUGHS)

Thanks, Coop.

Uh, I'll go get us some more beers. Yeah, sure.

(LAUGHS)

So, Cooper, what's with you living here?

Is this like a reverse Make-A-Wish kind of thing?

Yeah, I know people think it's weird,

but I recently went through a bad breakup,

and wanted to escape the public eye and hide for a while.

Oh. I know what it's like to want to hide.

You just want to escape.

Find a little cottage out in the woods.

Away from everyone and everything.

But then I'd be all alone in my thoughts.

Nothing but my harmonica.

Which I really can't even play.

Mr. Davis, are... are you okay?

- JAKE: I got the beers. - (LAUGHS)

I got the beer.

- What are we talking about? - Oh, nothing.

Cooper's just sitting here bumming me out.

(SIGHS) So it's Saturday night.

Are you ready to forget that the government is likely watching

- and get nasty? - (CLAIRE LAUGHS)

Yeah. (LAUGHS) I'm also kind of nervous

'cause I've never done this before.

Me, either. But how hard can it be?

Which is a question I should probably be asking you.

(LAUGHS)

All right. Okay.

(LAUGHING)

I'm sorry, that was so good.

Okay. Ah, here we go.

- All right, here we go. Here we go. - Mm-hmm.

(LAUGHS) Hey, baby.

- Hey. - (BOTH LAUGH)

Yeah.

- Ah. - Ah.

Mmm. Spicy.

Mm-hmm.

- Hot-ta-ta-ta. - (CLAIRE GIGGLES)

Jake, is this working?

I'm not sure. So far, we just sound

like Guy Fieri eating a cheesesteak.

You know what, I'm gonna Google what we should say.

That's smart.

Let me just answer this e-mail really fast.

Babe, focus.

What? Sorry. Okay.

So, hey, boo.

That's you. (LAUGHS)

Why don't you unbutton your shirt and stroke your chest?

Oh. Don't mind if I do-skees.

(LAUGHS)

Ah.

Now push 'em together.

All right, it's a little bit weird,

but... how's that?

- Mm-hmm. - Are they together enough?

(BOTH LAUGH)

Now put a pencil between them.

Uh...

Now spit on it.

Spit on it? What?

Oh! Oh, no. I'm reading what the guy should say.

Okay, hold on.

Ah! Someone's in here!

Oh, there's my pencil.

Always between the nipples, am I right?

Well, sorry to interrupt,

but can I talk to you about your dad?

I'm a little worried he might be going through something.

What? Oh, come on, man, that's crazy. (GRUNTS)

No offense, Cooper, but if something was wrong,

why would he talk to you and not me?

People open up to me all the time.

It might be because of my single,

"You Can Tell Me Anything...

Parentheses Yes, Anything."

I'm just saying it might be worth checking in with him.

Oh, please. What would that even sound like?

(STUPID VOICE): "Hey, Dad, are you okay?"

(NORMAL VOICE): He's okay.

I don't know why you'd use that voice,

but, yeah, that's the gist.

Anyway, I'll let you get back to your FaceTime sex.

I wasn't... that's not what I was doing. I wasn't doing that.

Mate, I'd believe you, but you're still connected

to the Bluetooth speaker downstairs.

I'm a little nervous about singing the national anthem.

Do I say "spangled" weird?

You say everything weird.

Oh, uh...

All right.

Hey, uh, Pop.

Um, how you doing?

What's going on? Everything good?

Oh, everything's great.

(LAUGHS)

Just rocking and rolling.

- Rocking and rolling. - Yeah, yeah.

- Righteous. Righteous. - Yeah, yeah.

So everything's good at home?

Oh, yeah. Everything's great.

So you're okay.

Of course I'm okay.

What kind of question is that?

(STUPID VOICE): Hey, Dad, are you okay?

(STUPID VOICE): Hey, Dad, are you okay?

- (PHONE RINGS) - Oh, that is my phone.

Must be Claire, my wife.

I'm just gonna grab one of these pencils

for no reason whatsoever.

(PHONE CONTINUES RINGING)

So, Cooper, how do you like your eggs, buddy?

Uh, over easy.

Huh. I'll tell you what was over easy.

My marriage.

I'm so sorry to hear that, Mike.

Maybe we should tell Jake. Jake?

It's been six years

since Jake's mom left me,

and every day hurts just a little bit more.

Wow.

Mike, could you just give me one second?

Jake?!

Jake?

Coop? Cooper?

You know, I guess

I thought somewhere, in the back of my mind,

that she would always come back to me.

Look, Mike, I wrote that "You Can Tell Me Anything" song

for the Trolls movie, and they didn't even use it, so...

Well, now she's getting remarried,

so I guess I just have to move on.

You know what? I'm just gonna go take a jog.

(CRYING): Maybe the sweat will camouflage my tears.

Hey, where'd my dad go? Oh, he went for a run.

Oh. Well, uh, that was my mom.

Apparently, she's getting remarried.

Wonder if that's why my dad's upset.

(MIKE WAILING)

Think it might be.

Wow. So your mom's getting remarried?

Can't believe my dad hasn't talked to me about this.

You know, this whole time, I thought

I had this great relationship with my dad, but...

(SIGHS)

Why won't he talk to me about my mom?

It's okay. I mean, most dads don't talk

to their sons about their love lives.

Yeah, but we're not just father and son. We're best friends.

And how many people can say they started life

in their best friend's scrotum?

Okay.

You know, when we first started dating,

you were pretty closed off emotionally, too.

And then, that one night, we had a few drinks,

and we played that game "Never Have I Ever."

We learned that I was the first girl

you ever said "I love you" to.

And I felt way closer to you after that night.

Oh, honey, I was just trying to get some.

(CLAIRE LAUGHS)

Well, it worked.

Yeah. Yeah, that's a great idea, babe.

Yeah, I'll-I'll invite your parents over

for a little game night and try to get my dad comfortable enough

to open up to me.

(LAUGHS) Mm-hmm.

You know, we could start playing right now,

'cause never have I ever had FaceTime sex.

Ooh. (LAUGHS)

So, hey there, big boy.

(STATIC)

So you like what you see?

- Screen froze. - CLAIRE: How is this?

You look like you sell chins.

Well, why don't you come up to my hotel room, and...?

- Uh, rain check, okay? Rain check. - Throw me down onto the bed?

Is this turning you on?

All right.

(LAUGHING): Oh. Mike, it has been such a long time.

Yeah, I haven't seen you since

you accidentally grabbed my butt at the wedding.

BOTH: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Hey, g'day. Hey there, Cooper.

Hey.

Check out our courtside tickets for tomorrow's game.

I am very excited!

So sorry. This is for me, Jake and his dad.

For you guys!

Don't worry. This isn't the first time

I've been excluded from a threesome.

Thanks. Thanks. Thanks.

Guys, you know my manager Wayne.

- Hey. - Hi, Wayne.

Hey.

Hey, buddy. Have a seat.

So, tonight, I was thinking we all play a little

"get to know each other" kind of game.

Oh, great. I'll find a bowl for us to put our keys in.

Uh, no, no. I was, uh, thinking more like

"Never Have I Ever." Right?

So, you say something that you've never done,

and if someone has done it, they drink.

Ooh, well, I have never played this game.

Uh, Bonnie, no. You-you drink if you have done it.

Oh, well, now I have. (LAUGHS)

Well, I'll go first. Uh... hmm.

At the top of my head.

I don't know. Uh, never have I ever...

hidden my feelings from my best friend.

All right, that was a lame one. I'll go.

Never have I ever... had sex at work.

- Oh. - (SCOFFS)

- (LAUGHTER) - Hey-oh! Hey-oh!

Uh, Gerald, we've worked together our entire careers.

Oh, honey, this was before we met, when I worked at the zoo.

Oh...

Oh.

Oh, I got another one.

Uh, never have I ever buried my feelings

because I felt like I had to be strong for everyone else.

Jake, did I leave my journal lying around the office?

(LAUGHING): 'Cause...

All right, Dad, you're up.

It can be anything, anything you're feeling at all.

Okay, uh...

never have I ever...

tried gazpacho.

Ooh.

- Tried gazpacho? - Yeah.

Is that all you got?

Ah. I love a cold soup.

It's so surprising.

It's like stepping onto an escalator that's broken.

Oh...

Hey, I got one. I got one.

Never have I ever found out

that my ex-wife is getting remarried,

which made the reality of my divorce

hit home in a way it hadn't in six years,

and I'd rather talk to a stranger about it

than my own son!

Boy, you read me like a book.

What the hell, Jake?

This was supposed to be a fun game.

Yeah, well, it would be fun if you would just open up to me.

Look, I know you're upset about Mom getting remarried.

Well, that's my problem, and it's up to me to deal with it.

But I want to help you. We're best friends.

Yeah, well, best friends don't trick each other

into talking about things that they don't want to.

Damn. To think that's how you repay the guy

who carried you around in his scrotum.

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

(CHEERING)

Right.

Pretty good seats, huh?

Little tip. Uh, when the cheerleaders come out,

make sure you stare at the ceiling.

Otherwise, the tabloids will make it look

like you're staring at their butts.

(ORGAN PLAYS CHEER)

Well, this is fun.

You know, Justin Timberlake and Kevin Hart wanted

to come tonight, but I'm super glad I brought you guys instead.

(ORGAN PLAYS CHEER)

He's right, Dad. You know, um,

this is your last night here,

and these seats are insane, so...

can we just go back to only talking about sports and stuff?

- Yeah. - (CHEERING)

ANNOUNCER: LeBron James, for three!

(CHEERING, WHOOPING)

I can't believe LeBron left Cleveland.

Right? Must have been devastating

for those Cleveland fans, getting left behind like that.

Oh, totally.

Yeah. Uh,

you know, it's-it's got to be painful as hell

when someone you thought would be

on your team forever leaves for another team.

But, uh, doesn't mean that the Cavs should just

shut down and stop playing.

They got to get back out there,

maybe even find a new LeMom... I mean, LeBron.

(ORGAN PLAYS CHEER)

I'm just scared that Cleveland

will never be the same without LeBron.

Dad, come on. That's impossible.

Cleveland needs to look back

on all the times it had with LeBron fondly.

Remember that they'll always have

that sexy championship they made together.

I'll always love that championship.

Well, Dad, all the championship wants is for Cleveland

to open up to it from time to time.

It's just, I know how much you look up to me, Jake,

and I'm afraid that if I burden you with my problems,

you might start thinking less of me.

Dad, you've been my hero since I was a little kid.

You're the coolest dad ever, and you've always been there for me.

And nothing would make me happier

than to have the chance to repay the favor.

Oh, man.

(VOICE BREAKING): Dad, don't do that.

Yo... and...

No, 'cause when your lip quivers, my lip quivers.

I know, and it's just, I love you, man.

When you cry, then I feel like...

- I love you so much, Dad. - (HORN BLOWS)

ANNOUNCER: The Los Angeles Lakers would like to once again thank

multi-platinum recording artist, Cooper James,

for singing today's National Anthem.

(BOTH CRYING, PHONE RINGING)

That was good. Oh.

Oh. Oh, babe.

You'll never guess what just happened. Claire?

Hey, babe. I hope that you're ready for some cybersex.

ALL THREE: No! No!

No!

Jake, what the hell?!

I'm sorry, baby. I forgot to tell you

I was at a basketball game tonight.

I'll call you later, okay? I'm super impressed.

So was everyone else. Bye.

(JAKE AND CLAIRE MOANING)

I can't believe we're finally doing this on FaceTime.

CLAIRE: I know. I've been so hungry for it.

(JAKE LAUGHS)

(BOTH MOAN)

BOTH: Mmm!

Ah.

Such a good call to just bail on the sex

and just skip to the part where we eat the ice cream together.

Yeah, and for once, we can both finish at the same time.

(BOTH LAUGH)

- Mmm. - CLAIRE: Oh.

Ah, don't tease me.

(JAKE AND CLAIRE MOANING)

(BOTH MOANING)

JAKE: Look how thick that piece of chocolate is.

CLAIRE: Mmm. Oh.

JAKE: Thick.

CLAIRE: Ah, it's going straight to my butt, but I don't care.

For God's sake, Jake, get your damn phone off Bluetooth!