All language subtitles for Glee.S02E15.720p.BluRay.X264-REWARD_track3_eng [SubtitleTools.com]

The Celibacy Club
will now come to order.

Let's start the meeting by reading
the minutes from last week's meeting,

where we read the minutes
from the previous meeting,

and Rachel spent the hour
quizzing Quinn about the nature
of her relationship with Finn.

Questions somebody
still refuses to answer.

And I will continue to refuse to answer them
because they are none of your business.

All I will reveal is that I rejoined
the Celibacy Club to focus on me.

Me too. Finn is Kryptonite,
which is why I'm focusing
all my energies on my songwriting.

Yes, and I have to say I am very inspired
that both of you are showing how celibacy...

is a viable option for teens
who simply aren't ready for intimacy,

and for those who are older
and are terrified of the hose monster.

I have a little bit of club swag here
that I think's really gonna catch on.

Ready?

Chastity charms.

We hand out the little hearts,
but not the key.

That way nobody can open the lock forever.

- And, ladies, that's what keeps us safe.
- I have some questions.

Some things that I-I'm curious about.

No, no, no. Why be curious?
No. Wait to have relations
until you're comfortable, right?

Maybe till your honeymoon, I don't know.

Maybe even later.

Celibacy, ladies! Dig it!

I'm just so disappointed.

Why? I thought you wanted
the chastity charms to catch on.

I did, until I realized they were wearing
the chastity charms as clip-on nipple rings.

I know preaching abstinence is hard,
but I've seen how a teen pregnancy...

can turn a kid's world upside down.

So keep fighting the good fight.

And I'm happy to do whatever I can to help
make celibacy an option for these kids.

I don't know, hot stuff.

Sounds pretty lame.

- Holly! What are you doing here?
- Subbing!

The Health and Wellness teacher's out
with a mad case of the herp.
Yikers.

- Oh, it's so good to see you!
- You too!

Oh, this face. This face!

Oh. Oh, this is, uh...

- Emma.
- Emma. Emma Pillsbury.

- Oh, hi. Nice to meet you.
- Very nice to meet you.

This is Holly Holliday.

- Hi, Holly.
- Have a seat here.

- Oh, thank you.
- Wow!

So, I'm curious why you don't, uh,

think that celibacy is
a valid choice for teenagers.

Oh, I think it's a valid choice.

I just don't think it's that realistic.

You know, it's like saying
vegetarianism is an option for lions.

I just read in the newspaper
that 90 high school girls...

in a Memphis school district
got pregnant within three months.

I mean, it is Tennessee, but still.

We've got to shake things up,
you know?

Information is power.

Oh, and by the way, Will,
some of your Glee kids
are the most clueless.

Demonstration.

This is a condom,
which can help prevent the spread of H. I.V.,

which can lead to AIDS,
and it also prevents pregnancy.

Wait. Cucumbers can give you AIDS?

Seriously? 'Cause I
just had them on my salad.

We've got to educate these kids.

I strongly disagree.
I don't think that we
should barrage these kids...

with graphic information.

They're kids.
I don't want to steal their innocence.

Are you, like,
some kind of crazy pope lady?

Think about the images
that these kids are exposed to.

I mean, think about
what they have access to.

That doesn't make it okay,
and it shouldn't change the message
that they get from us,

which is this is serious stuff,
and it's not for kids
and it's not for adults!

Okay, well, I think that's a little naive.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm off to have crazy sex...

because I'm crazy informed about it.

Kidding.

Hasta luego.

- Oh, man.

Hey, Britt-Britt. So, listen.

How about you and I pop
in some Sweet Valley High
this evening, get our cuddle on?

Look, I'd really like
to get my sweet-lady kisses on,

but I haven't been feeling
very sexy lately.

I think I have a bun in the oven.

Please don't tell anyone.

Okay? Especially Artie.

Yeah, sure. Your secret's safe with...

Oh, my God. Brittany's pregnant.

It was only a matter of time.

For what?
Brittany to get pregnant.

Oh. Congratulations!

For what?
Oh, you didn't hear?

Your girlfriend's preggo.
You're gonna be a baby daddy.

All right, folks. Regionals is in a week.

It's time to get deep into our set list.

Artie, you okay?

My life is over.

How am I supposed to support a baby?

How could you
not tell me about this?

Wait. Brittany, are you pregnant?

Definitely. I'm so sorry, Artie.
I didn't want to upset you.

I thought I could surprise you
when I dropped him off.

I'm pretty sure it's a boy.

Um, babies don't get dropped off.

Brittany, have you been to a doctor yet?

That's the only way to be sure.

I don't need to go to a doctor.

I just need to look outside my window.

Three days ago, a stork built
its nest on top of my garage.

I'm not stupid. It's obviously
getting ready to bring me my baby.

I know where babies come from.

And that's when I realized you were right.

Let's go, Health and Wellness
Jazzercise class!

Do we feel our hearts
pumping yet, guys?

You see? We have really got
to educate these kids.

How are we going to do that
without being too graphic?
Breathe it in.

I want to educate them,
not titillate them.

Didn't you ever read
Jessica Seinfeld's cookbook?

It's all about taking vegetables
and hiding it in food...

so that you can trick kids
into eating what's good for them.

Shake it!

Ah! And loose.

I'm not following.

It's Jazzercise, Will.
It's really not that hard.

No.
Grease it.

I'm still talking
about the vegetable hiding.

All I'm saying is, all we have to do...

is find a way to sneak
in the sex education lesson
in a less provocative way.

And stretch.

Oh!

You guys were awesome!
Yeah!

How good do we feel?
Awesome!

Are we sweating? Yes.

Next week, we are going to talk
about the power of muscle testing.

Yeah? Bye. Love you.

Bye!

Okay, here's what I think
you should do.

Let me come into Glee Club this week,
and I'll show you what I mean.

The kids will think that they're
getting ready for regionals,

but really, I'll slip in a little lesson
about how to avoid S.T.D.s.

And speaking of S.T.D. S,
how is your dating life?

Um, right now, I'm the president
of the Celibacy Club.

Mmm. That's a waste
of some fine man-butt.

"Sexy."

I really hope that's not one
of the requirements for regionals,

because with Berry in those tights,
we don't stand a chance.

No, this isn't about regionals.
I'm less worried about that right now...

and more worried about the fact
that it's become clear to me...

that some of you have been lacking...

when it comes to understanding the...

the, uh... the intricacies
of adult relationships.

- Yeah, anyways.

Along with preparing
for our regional next week,

I want to spend the week educating ourselves
about some of these intricacies.

Is this the appropriate forum
for that?

Look, whenever we had, uh,
issues in the past that are
on our minds or giving us problems,

it's always helped us to sing about it.

So, this week I have invited
a special guest.

Miss Holliday.

Hola, clase.

Oh, no. It's the salad lady.

Okay. So, sex.

It's just like hugging, only wetter.

- Yeah, it is.
- Okay, so, let's start
with the basics. Finn?

Is it true that you thought
you got your girlfriend pregnant via hot tub?

- I have always been dubious.
-

And, Brittany, you think
that storks bring babies?

I get my information
from Woody Woodpecker cartoons.

-
- Well, that's all gonna end
right here, right now.

Because today, we are gonna get
under the covers, all together,

and get the ditty on the dirty.

- I'm so turned on right now.
- What about those of us
who choose to remain celibate?

Oh, well, I admire you.

Although I think you're naive
and possibly frigid, I do admire your choice.

- I think this is a good time for a song.
- Oh, yes. Okay.

- Okay.
- Rule number one.
Every intimate encounter...

that you're ever gonna have
in your life is gonna start with a touch.

Hit it!

We've been here too long
tryin' to get along

Pretendin' that you're oh, so shy

I'm a natural ma'am

Doin' all I can

My temperature
is runnin' high

Cry at night

No one in sight

And we got so much to share

Talking's fine

If you got the time

But I ain't got the time to spare

Y eah

- Do you wanna touch
- Yeah

Do you wanna touch me there?

Where?

- Do you wanna touch
- Yeah

Do you wanna touch me there?

Where?

There, yeah

Yeah
Oh, yeah

Oh, yeah

Yeah
Oh, yeah

Oh, yeah

Every girl and boy
needs a little joy

All you do is sit and stare

Beggin' on my knees

Baby, won't you please

Run your fingers
through my hair?

My, my, my,
whiskey and rye

Don't it make you feel so fine?

Right or wrong,
don't it turn you on?

Can't you see
we're wasting time?
Yeah

- Do you wanna touch
- Yeah

Do you wanna touch me there?

Where?

- Do you wanna touch
- Yeah

Do you wanna touch me there?

Where?

There, yeah

Yeah
Oh, yeah

Oh, yeah

Do ya? Do ya?

Yeah
Oh, yeah

Oh, yeah

Do ya? Do ya?

- Touch me there
- Yeah, oh, yeah

You know where

- Oh, yeah
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Yeah
Oh, yeah

Oh, yeah

Do ya? Do ya?

So, just remember... whenever
you have sex with someone,

you're having sex with everyone
they've ever had sex with,

and everybody's got a random.

Don't you think it's time...

for the Warblers to do
a Joan Armatrading medley?

I'm not sure people
know who that is.

Well, well, if it isn't
my sweet, sweet Porcelain.

Coach Sylvester.
What are you doing here?

Oh, just picking up some coffee.
I like my enemas piping hot.

Actually, boys, I heard that this
was a Dalton Academy hangout,

and I come in a spirit of fellowship.

As you no doubt have heard,
I've taken over
for the coach of Aural Intensity.

- We heard you pushed him down the stairs.
- No, you can't prove that.

This is just sort of how she talks.

So, I happen
to have some top secret intel.

Will Schuester has finally realized...

that his team's Achilles' heel
is their utter lack of sex appeal.

The New Directions are getting sexy,

and the key to regionals
is out-sexing them.

And I suspect that the judges...

are scoring extra for it this year.

So, Porcelain, quid pro quo.

What do you have for me?

I'm sorry, Coach,
but you and I are not in cahoots.

Probably should have
nailed that down before
I gave you my top secret intel.

Porcelain,

you just made a powerful enema.

- We got to hold an emergency meeting.
- Why?

Weren't you listening?
The judges at regionals have
an eye out for something new,

which means the Warblers
got to do something sexified.

I am very disappointed in you, Will,

letting Holly come in and just
teach the Glee kids about stuff.

I mean, why didn't you just pair them up,
huh? Rent 'em a bunch of motel rooms.

Whoa. I had no choice, Emma.
These kids are totally unprepared.

Look, in the spirit of fairness,

why don't you and the kids
in your Celibacy Club
come in and do a number?

- What, like, sing?
- Yeah.

We're trying to teach through song,

and yours can be
a counterargument to Holly's.

Well, I look forward to the opportunity
to nail her to the wall.

- You know what I mean.

- Well, Puckerman, it's your lucky day.

You're finally gonna let me
motorboat those twins?

Remember I told you I had
a master plan? Here it is.

Can you think of a celebrity
who released a tape...

of their intimate relations
that didn't make them more famous?

If this is going where I think it's going,
I may need to sit down.

Rachel Berry wants
to be a famous singer.
I just want to be famous.

Doing that number for Glee Club
was my first step toward being a star.

I want to be like a Kardashian.

I want a TV show and a fragrance.

It'll be called Zizes, and the slogan
will be, "You just got Zized!"

I'm not sure I heard that last part right...

'cause I'm getting a little light-headed,

but if we make one of those tapes,
that means...

Wow. If your
lovemaking prowess...

is as impressive
as your skills at deduction,

I'm in for a wild night.

I would like to welcome the ladies of our
sister school, Crawford Country Day.

As you know, the Warblers are
competing in our show choir's
regionals competition next week.

So, what we're going for here today, ladies,
is something a little...

a little sexy.

But we need your input.
Are we scream worthy?

Do we make your knees turn to jelly?

So, without further ado,
hang on to your bobby socks, girls,

'cause we're about to rock your world.

Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na,
na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na

Here we are again

I feel the chemicals kickin' in

It's getting heavy
and I wanna run and hide

I wanna run and hide

I do it every time

You're killin' me now

And I won't be denied by you

The animal inside of you

Oh, oh, I want some more

Oh, oh
What are you waiting for?

Take a bite of my heart tonight

Oh, oh, I want some more

Oh, oh
What are you waiting for?

What are you waiting for?

Say good-bye to my heart tonight

Hush, hush, the world is quiet

Oh, oh-oh, oh, oh
Hush, hush, we both can't fight it

It's us that made this mess

Why can't you understand?

Whoa, I won't sleep tonight

Oh, oh, I want some more

Oh, oh
What are you waiting for?

Take a bite of my heart tonight

Oh, oh, I want some more

Oh, oh
What are you waiting for?

What are you waiting for?

What are you waiting

Here we go again

Say good-bye to my heart tonight

Call us.

Sweet, but not on your team.

Are you okay?
You kept making those
weird faces the whole song.

Those weren't weird faces.
Those were my sexy faces.

It just looked like you were
having gas pains or something.

Great. How are we supposed
to get up on the stage at regionals
and sell sexy to the judges...

when I have as much sexual appeal
and knowledge as a baby penguin?

We'll figure something out.

I want to talk to you about something.

I really like when we make out and stuff.

Which isn't cheating because...

The plumbing's different.
Mm-hmm.

But when Artie and I are together,

we talk about stuff, like feelings.

Why?

Because with feelings it's better.

Are you kidding? It's better
when it doesn't involve feelings.

I think it's better when it
doesn't involve eye contact.

I don't know. I guess I just
don't know how I feel about us.

Look, let's be clear here.

I'm not interested in any labels,

unless it's on something I shoplift.

I don't know, Santana.

I think we should talk to somebody.

Like an adult.

This relationship
is really confusing for me.

Breakfast is confusing for you.

Well, sometimes it's sweet,
and sometimes it's salty.

Like, what if I have eggs for dinner?
Then what is it?

Those linens are incredible.
I know. Is that
Egyptian cotton?

Why do they keep editing all
this vacation and plane stuff?
It classes it up.

If I want to see Kim Kardashian
being classy, I'll watch E!

Touch me.
We're not putting
any of that stuff in ours.

Well, maybe...
Hey, guys.
What's going on?

Oh, hey, Miss H.
Hey, can you help us out?
Uh, yeah.

Lauren and I
are gonna make a sex tape.

So I can get
a recording contract.

Wow. Okay. Well, first, can I just say
that I'm very impressed...

by not only your ambition, but by how
comfortable you are with your own bodies.

It's easy to be comfortable
when you look this good.

Agreed. Uh, now for the downside.

Are you aware that because
you're under 18 years of age,

making and owning a sex tape
could make you guilty of child pornography?

Listen, guys, don't take this
too hard, all right?

These things just-
They never work out well.

My sex tape with J. D. Salinger
was a disaster.

Okay.
Thanks, Miss H.

Later, dudes.

Ladies.

Miss Holliday, we need your help.

So, why are we sitting on the floor?

'Cause we're in Japan.

No.

Welcome to my sacred,
sexy, sharing circle.

I want to thank you guys
for confiding in me,
'cause I know this is tough,

and I want to ask both of you...

if either one of you thinks
that you might be a lesbian.

I don't know.

Yeah. I mean, who knows?

I'm attracted to girls,
and I'm attracted to guys.

I made out with a mannequin.

I even had a sex dream about a shrub...

that was just
in the shape of a person.

Hmm. Well, we've all been there.

I went to an all-girls college...

where the only industry in the town...

was the manufacturing
of softball equipment.

I still feel a little tingle
when I hear Ani DiFranco.

Ooh!

Anyway, it's not about who
you are attracted to ultimately.

It's about who you fall in love with.

Well, I don't know how I feel,

because Santana refuses to talk about it.

Okay. Well, I know
talking about feelings
can be really hard, so...

I have an idea. Why don't
you guys find a song...

and see if maybe the lyrics of the song...

could help you start a dialogue going?

I could be down with that.

I have the perfect song.

There's just one problem though.

Britt and I may need
your help to sing it.

I thought you'd never ask.

All right, so give me sensual,
but don't make fun of it.

Like, really try.

Okay. Now give me sultry.

Um, Kurt, they're all
sort of looking the same.

That's because the face
I'm actually doing is uncomfortable.

This is pointless, Blaine.

I don't know how to be sexy
because I don't know the first thing
about sex.

Kurt, you're blushing.

I've tried watching those movies,

but I just get horribly depressed,
and I think about...

how they were all kids once,
and they all have mothers,

and what would their mothers think,
and why would you get that tattoo there?

Then maybe we should have a conversation
about it. I'll tell you what I know.

I don't- I don't want to know
the graphic details.

I like romance.

That's why
I like Broadway musicals,

because the touch of the fingertips
is as sexy as it gets.

Kurt, you're gonna have
to learn about it someday.

Well, not today.

I think I've learned quite
enough for today, thank you.

I think you should leave.

So, just nice and easy.

I don't want to go too far away
from the original version.

Since when do you need help
singing in front
of the Glee Club?

Oh, it's not about the singing.
I'm trying to make Prince's "Kiss"
into a tango.

Just want to make sure it's appropriate.

"Kiss" as a tango?

That's awesome, and ridiculous.

Anyway, I want
to do this right for the "Sexy" lesson.

So picture us in the auditorium...
big backdrop,

lighting, costume, the whole thing.

Hit it.

Uh

You don't have to be beautiful

To turn me on

I just need your body, baby

From dusk till dawn

You don't need experience

To turn me out

You just leave it all up to me

I'm gonna show you
what it's all about

You don't have to be rich
to be my girl

You don't have to be cool
to rule my world

Ain't no particular sign
I'm more compatible with

I just want your extra time and your

Kiss

Y eah

Women, not girls, rule my world

I said they rule my world

Act your age, not your shoe size

Not your shoe size

Maybe we can do the twirl

You don't have
to watch Dynasty

To have an attitude

You just leave it all up to me

My love will be your food

Y eah

You don't have to be rich
to be my girl

Don't have to be cool
to rule my world

Ain't no particular sign
I'm more compatible with

I just want your extra time
and your

Kiss

I am so into you.

Don't be.
Go out with me.

Oh, you don't want any of this.

I'm damaged goods.
Yes, it makes me terrific in bed,

but it also means I tend to break
nice guys like you into Wasa crackers.

Oh, I think I can handle it.

You married
your high school sweetheart,

and then you went out
with a virgin.

It's a great song.
You don't need me though.
The kids are gonna love it.

Need a hand?

Yeah. Why don't you
hand me that carburetor?

How'd you know
which one it was?

My dad and I rebuilt a '59 Chevy
in our driveway two summers ago.

One of his many attempts at bonding.

- You here looking for parts?
- No actually.

- I, uh, wanted to talk to you about Kurt.
- Is he okay?

Have you ever talked to him about sex?

Are you gay, or straight, or what?

I'm definitely gay.

Okay, good.
I mean, you know, whatever, but, uh...

You know, good for Kurt.
He needs someone like you to talk to.

Well, that's kind of my point.

I've tried talking to him,
but he basically puts...

his fingers in his ears and starts singing.

Well, when he's ready, he'll listen.

I'm worried that it might be too late.

You know, Dalton doesn't even
have sex ed classes. Most schools don't.

And the ones that do almost never discuss
what sex is like for gay kids.

Kurt is-is the most moral,
compassionate person I've ever met.

Yeah, he gets that from his mother.

And-And I am blown away
by your guys' relationship.

You think my dad built a car
with me because he loves cars?

I think he did it because he thought getting
my hands dirty might make me straight.

You know, he talk to you
about this, uh, kind of stuff?

No. I had to go find it for myself.

The Internet is great, and all
the information is out there,
but I went searching for it.

Kurt won't,
and one day he'll be at a party,

and maybe have a few drinks, and then he'll
meet some guy and start fooling around,

and he's not gonna know
about using protection or S.T.D.s.

I don't have
the relationship with my dad...

that you have with Kurt.

I think it would be really cool
if you took advantage of that.

I'm sorry if I'm overstepping.

You are.

I took my love
and I took it down

I climbed a mountain
and I turned around

And I saw my reflection
in the snow-covered hills

Well, the landslide
brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky

What is love?

Can the child within my heart
rise above?

Can I sail through
the changing ocean tides?

Can I handle the seasons of my life?

- Oh, oh
- Oh, oh

Oh, oh, oh, oh

Well, I've been afraid of changin'

'Cause I've built my life around you

But time makes you bolder

Children get older

And I'm getting older too

Well, I'm getting older too

So, take this love and take it down

Yeah, and if you climb a mountain
and you turn around

And if you see my reflection
in the snow-covered hills

Well, the landslide
brought me down

And if you see my reflection
in the snow-covered hills

Well, maybe

The landslide
will bring you down

Is that really how you feel?

Uh, yeah.

Thank you.

Pretty cool that our girlfriends
are such good friends, right?

Wish you and I were that close.

Can I just applaud this trio for exploring
the uncharted world of Sapphic charm?

- Brava. Brava.
- Look, just because I sang
a song with Brittany...

doesn't mean
that you can put a label on me.

Is that clear?

This meeting of the Celibacy
Club will now come to order.

Before we begin, I would just like to start
by congratulating you by reminding you...

not one member of this club has had an
unwanted pregnancy in almost a year.

You get tensies for menses.

I'd also like to welcome
our newest member, Noah Puckerman.

- Are you lost, Noah?
- Yeah, you don't belong here.

You're the biggest French whore
of them all.

Zizes and I were
gonna make a sex tape.

I found out that making that tape
would have resulted in my arrest.

I've hit rock bottom,
and I've come here to set myself straight.

That's just awesome, Noah.
And you're just in time,

because tomorrow the girls and I are
going to perform a song for Glee Club...

extolling the benefits
of celibacy.

I'm down for that. Point of order though.

While three chicks and me is just a typical
Saturday night in the Puckerman bedroom,

it's not the best balance for singing.

- We need at least one more dude.
- I've got that covered.

Gonna find my baby,
Gonna hold her tight

Gonna grab some
afternoon delight

My motto's always been
"When it's right, it's right"

Why wait until the middle
of a cold, dark night?

When everything's
a little clearer in the light of day

And we know the night is
always gonna be here anyway

Thinking of you's
working up my appetite

Lookin' forward
to a little afternoon delight

Rubbin' sticks and stones together
makes the sparks ignite

And the thought of lovin' you
is getting so excitin'

Skyrockets in flight

Afternoon delight

Afternoon delight

- Whoo!
- Hi.

Um, Holly here.

Yeah?
So, I'm a little confused.

Isn't this a strange song
for the-the Celibacy Club to sing?

But why? It's so wholesome.

It was written during the Bicentennial
to celebrate America and fireworks.

No, it's about
sneaking out for a nooner.

Yes. Exactly. A nooner's when you have
dessert in the middle of the day, right?

Right, Carl?
But regardless,

it was a great job, guys.
Great number.

It was fantastic.

Hey, Glee Club, let's go.

Miss Holliday?
Excuse me a second. Miss Holliday?

You're still the, uh... You're still
the acting sex ed teacher, right?

You know it, brother.

You don't happen to have
any office hours, do you?

Sure.
Afternoon Delight
is a dessert.

It's made with coconut
and pineapple and marshmallow fluff.

I think Emma
and I need an appointment.

- What are those?
- Those are some pamphlets...

that I picked up
from the free clinic.

I thought it might help
the process along,

because it is time
you and I had "the talk."

No, it's not.
Yes, it is.

You told me
to educate myself.
La, la, la

Hey, you think this
is easy for me?
La, la, la, la

Okay, believe me,
I want to do this even less than you do.

This is gonna suck
for both of us,

but we're gonna
get through it together,

and we will both be better men
because of it.

Now, first, most of the, um,

mechanics of what
you're gonna be doing...

is covered in the pamphlets.

Okay, so, I want you to read them,

and then I want you
to come talk to me about it.

Deal?

Okay.

All right. Now... Hey, sit down.

We're just getting started.
All right.

You know, for most guys, sex is just, you
know... It's this thing we always want to do.

You know, it's fun, it feels great,

but we're not really thinking
too much about, you know,

how it makes us feel on the inside,

or, you know,
how the other person feels about it.

Women are different?

Only because they get that
it's about something more...

than just the physical.

You know, when-when you're
intimate with somebody in that way,

you're exposing yourself.

You know, you're never
going to be more vulnerable,

and that scares the hell
out of a lot of guys.

Believe me, I can't tell you
how many buddies I've got...

who have gotten in way too deep...

with a girl who said she was cool
with just hooking up.

But that's not
gonna happen to me, Dad.

No. It's gonna be worse, okay?
Because it's two guys.

With two guys, you got two people
who think that sex is just sex.

It's gonna be easier to come by,

and once you start doing this stuff,
you're not gonna want to stop.

You got to know that it means something.

You know, it's doing something to you,

to your heart, to your self-esteem,

even though it feels
like you're just having fun.

So you're saying
I shouldn't have sex.

I think on your 30th birthday,
it is a great gift to yourself.

Kurt, when you're ready,

I want you to be able to...

do everything.

But when you're ready, I want you to...

use it as a way
to connect to another person.

Don't throw yourself around
like you don't matter.

'Cause you matter, Kurt.

Is that it?

That's it. For now.

Can I make you some toast?

I think I'll take it up
to my room to eat...

while I look over
my new pamphlets.

Thank you, Dad.

You're welcome.

- I hear you guys
are having some problems.
- I wouldn't call them problems.

No, we are. We really, really are.
We're having problems.

When is the last time that you...

- Never.
- I beg your pardon?

We've been married four months,
and we still haven't done the deed.

Girlfriend, what is up with that?

He's hot! You're 30.

I haven't felt comfortable.

So...
Well, what is it
that you do?

Um, okay. So we cuddle a lot.

A lot.
A lot.

We cuddle too much.
We're cuddle monsters.

Okay. We-We watch
the Housewives shows,
which are so, so racy.

It's not like I haven't tried. I try.

I've made her romantic dinners,
I give her roses,

and every time I try to touch her...

That happens.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
Okay, look,
I am not a doctor, okay?

I don't even like
doctor TV shows...

unless it's one of those ones
where people strap bombs
to their chest.

Love those.

So, I would like to ask you a question,

and I want you
to answer it very seriously.

Are you still in love with Will Schuester?

You know, I was sort
of thinking the same thing,

but I was afraid to ask it.

Um...
Are you?

I feel very confused about my feelings.

- Okay.
- I'm sorry.

No, you and your feelings can stay
at the condo, and I'll be at the Radisson.

Thank you, Doctor.

Not a doctor.

Could you please, please
not tell Will about this?

No, of course not. Of course not.

Okay.
My lips are sealed.

Thank you.

Just like your legs.
Oh! Ha. Kidding!

God, that was rude.

Why did I say that?

See, a real doctor
would never have said that.

Whew.

Hi.

- Hey.
- Can we talk?

- But we never do that.
- Yeah, I know.

But, um, I wanted to thank you...

for performing that song
with me in Glee Club.

Yeah.
'Cause it's made me do
a lot of thinking.

And what I've realized...

is why I'm such a bitch all the time.

I'm a bitch because I'm angry.

I'm angry because I have
all of these feelings...

feelings for you...
that I'm afraid of dealing with...

because I'm afraid of dealing
with the consequences.

And, Brittany, I can't go
to an Indigo Girls concert. I just can't.

I understand that.

Do you understand
what I'm trying to say here?

No, not really.

I want to be with you.

But I'm afraid
of the talks and the looks.

I mean, you know what happened
to Kurt at this school.

But, honey, if anybody were...

to ever make fun of you,

you would either kick
their ass or slash them
with your vicious, vicious words.

Yeah, I know. But I'm so afraid...

of what everyone will say behind my back.

Still, I have to accept...

that I love you.

I love you, and I don't
want to be with Sam...

or Finn or any of those other guys.

I just want you.

Please, say you love me back. Please.

Of course I love you. I do.

And I would totally be with you,
if it weren't for Artie.

- Artie?
- I love him too.

I don't want to hurt him.
That's not right.

I can't break up
with him.
Yes, you can.

He's just a stupid boy.

But it wouldn't be right.

Santana, you have to know,

if Artie and I were to ever break up,

and I'm lucky enough
that you're still single...

Don't.

I am so yours.

Proudly so.

Yeah, wow.

Whoever thought that being fluid
meant you could be so stuck?

I'm sorry.

- Don't. I'm sorry.
- Get off me.

Nerd.

Whoa! Why you gotta hate?

You joined the Celibacy Club?

What the hell?
I thought you and me were an item.

Lauren, stop.

I need to talk to you
about something.

I realized something lately.
I do a lot of stupid things.

Once, on a dare,
I swallowed a thumbtack,

and I'm about 90% sure
it's still in there.

I don't think
about consequences.

And while I used to think
that made me cool,

now I just think
it makes me a loser.

I like you, Lauren.
I like wooing you.

Next to dropping my afternoon deuce,
it's my favorite part of the day.

So I'm making a change.
And if that makes me a nerd, fine.

I really do have the urge to punch you.

If we can play footsie
in Celibacy Club, I'm in.

Nerd.

I hereby call
the Celibacy Club to order.

- Where's Miss Pillsbury?
- She decided to take the hour
she was spending here...

to use it to fix her sham of a marriage.

In the interim, I'll be taking over.

Because you annoyingly
take over everything?

Because I realize
that while all of us making
our celibacy pledge is wonderful,

one day we're gonna fall
in love with someone,

and we're gonna choose
to be intimate with them.

Speaking of being intimate,
what's with the hickey, Quinn?

It's not a hickey.

Oh, I know hickeys.
I'm a freakin' connoisseur.

I can make them into shapes,
like balloon animals.

I burnt myself this morning
with a curling iron.

The key is to use
the curling iron in the bathtub...

to keep you
from getting burnt.
No.

I was sure I was caught.

What was that?

Is that your mom?

She's at work.
She won't be home for hours.

Divorce rules.

Come here.

Ooh. I'll be more careful
with the hickey placement next time.

This is so awesome.
We have two months until prom,

so we have plenty of time
to campaign for prom king and queen.

But that's not all this
is about though, right?

Look, I made a mistake with Puck.

You should have been my first.

This is where I belong.

With you.

Okay?
Okay.

Hey, hot stuff.

Holly. Hey.

I'm just, uh, walking through
some choreography.

Got regionals in a week,
and I just want to make sure...

all the dances are
what I like to call "Finn-proof."

Oh, well, I won't keep you.

I just, um...
just came to say good-bye.

I'm going over to Shawnee Township
to teach algebra.

Really?

Yeah.

There were some parent complaints.

Apparently,
my cucumber demonstration...

made it impossible to watch Veggie Tales
the same way ever again.

I personally thought it made
watching that show hilarious.

Wow. I...

I really don't want to say good-bye.

Then maybe we shouldn't.

Teaching Santana and Brittany
how to get their Stevie Nicks on...

made me realize
how closed off I've been.

I'm getting older too.

Maybe I should try a relationship
that lasts more than 36 hours.

You serious?

Plus, seeing another woman
with the hots for you kinda made me jealous.

- Wait. What?
- Oh, nothing.

I know a lot about sex, Will, but...

maybe it's time I learned
a little something about romance.

Well, I don't know if you've heard...

But I happen to be an excellent educator.

English - US - PSDH