All language subtitles for Fishing.Naked.2015.WEB-DL.x264-RARBG

Act three finale.

FBI, kills bigfoot.

Action!
Get on the ground.

I'm not bigfoot.
Get down.

I'm not bigfoot. Don't shoot.

Get down.

Wait a minute, where the hell
is the creature?

Oh, boy.

What the hell.

Hey, there, buddy?

Looks like I caught
you in the middle

of your morning bath.

Well, what the... no, no,
that's all right.

I'll just head further
downstream.

What the fuck!

Run.

Help! Help!

Help!

Bigfoot's after me!

Help!

Bigfoot! Run!

Hey, man.

I'm tying a knot here.

Dude, we got to run.

Bigfoot's coming.

Actually, you've got to run.

I'm first nations.

I've got no beef
with hairy man.

What?

Get out of here, man.

Help!

Bigfoot's after me!

Son of a bitch, that hurts.

That was a good one.

Yeah, we really got
him good, bro.

One less weekend warrior
in our trout waters.

Man, is this suit
getting tired.

Yeah, I caught it on a stick.

I almost ripped
the whole damn thing off

along with my ball sack.

I think we're going to need

to get a new one.

No, we can probably fix it up

a few more times.

Man, that guy fuckin' lost it.

It's pretty awesome.

And that last line of yours,

"you're trespassing,"

that is hysterical, man.

Yes.

You're a quarter white,
man, lighten up.

There's not gonna be any fish

for the next few hundred
yards, at least.

Yeah, but I got him
way before the meat hole,

so we're good from there up.

Cool, because grandma wants me

to bring home a bunch of fish.

What, no catch
and release, Mr. purist?

Not today.

Not today.

David?

David.

Are you here?

David?

I hope he remembers to bring
fish back for our guest.

Oh, shit.

Don't look at 'em.

Well, that's him.

That's the kid.

Tell him about bigfoot.

Hey, art, what's up?

Now, tell him about bigfoot.

I'm sorry, sir.

We just saw a crazy guy

running down the stream.

You looked pretty crazy.
Yeah.

Who the hell are you?

Steve jobs.

Oh, come on, kid.

The creature chased me

from half a mile
down the river.

What'd you call him, hairy man?

Whoa, man.

That's enough.
Tell him!

What do you say
we release David?

No!
What do you say we go down

to the station...
I'm the president

of first freaking bank,
for Christ's sake.

And If you give us a full
report, I'll...

Tell him
what you saw out there.

I'm sorry.
We just saw a crazy guy

messing up our fishing.
Let him go.

All right,
probably seen a bear.

It wasn't a bear.

Okay. It wasn't a bear.

You two, take off,
and I'll go find bigfoot.

Hairy man!

Hairy man.

I'll get you some
dry clothes, some food,

and maybe a sedative.

Whoa!

Hey, Sarah,
what are you doing tonight?

Nothing with you.

Hi, David.

Sarah.

Bitch!
Dude.

She's like the last
single girl in town.

That's because she's a bitch.

That's because you're an idiot.

God, it was such
a good day today, bro.

We scared the hell
out of that tourist.

Uh-hmm.

It's just like
I was never gone.

What?

It's cool to scare
a couple of tourists,

but neither one
of us can afford

to get arrested, again.

Relax, man.
Nobody knows It's us.

We're not going to get caught.

Rodney, you should
know better than anybody,

there are no secrets
in this town.

Look who's talking, slut.

How's fishing today?

Pretty good.

Okay. Rodney,
I have five first timers

thrashing on the river today,

and I know I still got
more fish than you did.

Bullshit.

You know, geniuses,
it is fire season.

David, why do you
hang out with this punk?

He just makes you stupid.

I'll beat you stupid, rc.

Sit down, Rodney.
I'm just fucking with you.

Here. What is this?

That was my Chai.

Thanks for that.
It's moose urine.

Hi, grandma Ottertale.

Hi.

I'll see you tomorrow morning.

I can't.
Helping my dad all day.

Whatever.
More fish for me.

Yeah, you're gonna get bored
when you don't catch anything,

and you're going
to be home early.

No.

Did you catch any fish?

Of course.

Did you see
anything interesting?

No.

Nothing out
of the ordinary. Why?

I've seen an orb last night.

You mean one of
the "bright lights"

that people talk about

after spending too much time

in the sweat lodge?

Yes. It was a green one.

They always come first.

No orbs, grandma.

Okay.

Good luck.

I brought home
a whole bag of fresh trout,

and we're eating
frozen fish sticks.

They're for company.

What company?

What are you doing?

Looking for orbs.

Come on, grandma,
you have to eat

before you take
your heart medicine.

That's probably why
you're seeing orbs.

I'm seeing orbs because
something is gonna happen.

Eat your dinner, please.

Okay.

I got it.

Hey, art.

David.

Hello, Louise.

Hey, Arthur.
Do you want to come in?

No, thanks. I have a lot
on my plate tonight.

Uh-hmm.

Did you see any orbs?

Not lately.

I saw a green one last night.

Really, what time?

What's up, art?

You know, I don't think

bill was hallucinating
out there today.

I don't know.

City guy,

not used to the fresh air.

Probably saw a bear.

You know, that's what
I thought also

until he mentioned
a hairy man, David.

You saw a hairy man?

No, grandma.

Just some crazy tourist
hallucinating

thought he saw him.

He probably did

because he's already here.

You know, why don't you
and Rodney do me a favor

and just take it easy
for a while.

I really don't want
to have to launch

a formal investigation.

Good night, Louise.

Good night, Arthur.

Come again real soon.

Night, art.

God, you're rude.

What the hell is that?

It's cold.

Something's gonna bite me.

You are such as wuss.

You have got to be kidding me.

Bite you,
there's nothing in here

but trout and me,
they won't bite.

No.

I'm not bored, Rodney.

Would you prefer
a sponge bath, princess?

You'd like that, wouldn't you?

Get in this river, you stink.

I do not.

I can't do this.

Well, howdy there, stranger.

Oh, hey,

I'm sorry,

I didn't see you there.

Uh-huh.

How are they biting?

Few little ones.

Nothing to write home about.

You must be using
the wrong pattern.

Let me take a look.

What? Okay.

Of course.

Cadis fly?

Really?

Dude, It's all nymphs
right now.

Nymphs, huh?

Here.

Let me see what we have here.

Here we go.

This is ought to do it.

You do like nymphs, don't you?

I love nymphs.

Give me your rod.
What?

You can't catch a big fish
unless you're naked.

So If I don't get anything
on this next cast,

I'm gonna have to take
my skirt off.

Okay.

Told you.

You do this often?

What?

Fish naked.

Among other things.

Hey, I didn't... I didn't
catch your name.

Amy.

Come on over
after you lose my fish.

Naked hippie chick telling me
not to lose my fish?

Damn it.

Told you.

Enjoy the show?

I was fishing, I wasn't spying.

Oh, relax, Jen.

It's not the first time
someone will masturbate

to the thought of
my wet, naked body.

Amy.
I was...

Relax, both of you.

Totally innocent encounter.

Nice gear.

All right. Come on.

It's almost lunchtime.

Ladies first.

Home sweet home.

What do you think?

What's this?

Home.

Since when?

Oh, Jen and I graduated
last month

and decided to go minimalist
instead of entering the machine.

Minimalist, huh?

So, what did you two study
to drive you out here?

Amy, philosophy,
me, mathematics.

And I wanted to explore
my roots as well.

Nice satellite dish.

It's just for Internet access.

We don't believe in television.

Okay. Okay.

You guys aren't
exactly roughing it.

No one said you had to be
uncomfortable

to commune with nature.

Communing. Yeah.

You're just
a regular pocahontas.

Oh, I like your landscaping.

Oh, really?

You like our landscaping?

Yeah, I don't think you can
handle our landscaping.

Oh, please.

I can handle your landscaping.

I saw the first star.

I get to make a wish.

Do you think
there's alien usses

on another planet

somewhere out there
looking at us

and wondering If there are
other people in the universe?

Cliche.
I feel so small

and insignificant

when I look at the stars.

Cliche, cliche

you are.

Don't be insulting.

I'm serious.

So am I.

We are insignificant,
but who cares?

When you're insignificant,

you don't have any heavy
responsibilities to worry about.

What?

Listen to you, guys.

Come on, I'm the one
with a degree in philosophy,

and you don't hear me
getting all metaphysical

and ruining a perfectly
delightful evening.

Be nice.

Okay. Why do you think
we're here?

I don't know,
and really, I don't care.

Philosophy is crap.

It's not crap.

Not crap.

Yes, it is.

Don't you go to school
or something?

Why should I?

I mean, your degrees
aren't doing you much good.

That's not true!

You're a liar.
That's not true.

Oh, shit, I got to go.

Aw, does little Davie
have a curfew?

I got to go check
on my grandma.

You have two beautiful,

horny women alone in the woods,

and you really want
to go check on "grandma"?

We're lonely.

Look, If I don't give my grandma
her medicine, she won't take it.

Suit yourself.
I understand.

We might be too much for you.

We don't have to
torture him this much.

But It's so fun.

He has to take care of
his grandmother.

Oh, wait, I'm horny.

David, wait a minute.

David, David, wait a second.

Look, I really need
to check on my grandma.

It's cool.

Amy's a terrible tease.

Really?

Okay. Actually,
she's not a tease,

she'd probably follow through.

Yeah, that makes me feel
so much better.

Don't worry,
we're not going anywhere.

Just come back
the day after tomorrow.

What's wrong with tomorrow?

We have to go
into town for supplies.

Come here.

Now take care of grandma.

Right.

Grandma.

Medicine.

She probably won't die
If she just misses one.

Oh, no.

Hey, art, where the hell
are you?

Oh, hey, David.

Hey, art.

What's up?

Oh, just dropped by
to check in.

Why?

You know, just making
my rounds.

See you later, Louise.

Yeah, bye, Arthur.

Oh, here, your badge.

Hey, art,

think you better get over here.

Why are you wearing your robe?

I took my medicine.

That's great, grandma.

What was art doing here
so late?

He's just checking on me.

I'm gonna sleep here tonight.

Why?

I'm looking for orbs.

Are you sure you not taking
too much of your medicine?

Yes.

Smells like you are.

Did you get any fish?

Yes.

Just double checking.

What?

What are you doing?

Feeding hairy man.

Let's go to bed, grandma.

I'm sleeping here tonight
in case orbs come.

Grandma, It's gonna
be cold tonight,

and I won't be able to sleep

If I think you're out here
freezing to death.

I won't freeze If you
give me my blanket back.

Come on.

Shit.

You treat me
like a little girl.

I'm sorry, grandma.

You really like messing
with people, don't you?

What do you mean?

You know what I mean.
David.

He looked like he was gonna
explode when he left here.

It's good to keep
guys guessing.

Guessing?

He's probably lying in bed

imagining the two of us

in the throes of
crazy lesbian sex.

I'd hate to let
the little guy down.

No, no, no, no, no.

Nice try.

Head games with guys, fine,

but not with me.

I got to pee.

You want to explore
your roots with David.

Maybe.

She better not be thinking
about experimenting.

It's really bad enough I
have to deal with bugs

and snakes,
and other creepy-crawly shit.

I'm tired, Ames,
stop messing around.

I'm serious.

Amy, It's not polite

to shine a light on someone
when they're peeing.

Thank you.

When did you get
the green flashlight?

What?

You know,

the green light you were shining
on me when I was peeing.

What are you talking about?

You weren't shining
a green light on me?

I told you
that was strong stuff.

Stop messing with me.

I didn't smoke that much.

I think you did.

Seriously, you're not
messing with me?

No.

That is some good landscaping.

Mm-hmm.

Watch those raccoons, grandma.

I might be late.
Okay.

You'll take
your medicine, right?

Okay.

What?

Oh, aren't you going to wish

you came fishing
with me yesterday.

Better than slave
laboring with my dad?

Ow!
Get out.

Why?

Get the fuck out.

You're smoking herb
with not one but two

hot, naked hippie chicks
all day and you ask me why?

You should've called me,
you asshole.

Ugh!

Ow, frick you, man.

Yeah, it burns.

I didn't have a phone.

Well, then
you should've found one.

Seriously, dude, what the fuck?

You lucky bastard.

That's like... that's like
"penthouse" forum shit.

It really wasn't that exciting.

What, you didn't seal the deal?
No.

I had to make sure my
grandma took her medicine.

Oh, man. Your priorities
are so messed up.

Okay, whatever.
No.

Okay, where are we going?

You mean before
we go back and visit

your soon to be
ex-girlfriends?

They're in town today.
Shit.

Okay. We'll go to South fork.

South fork?

The fishing sucks,
and It's full of tourists.

Exactly.

Time to generate
some media cred.

Oh, you're good, you.

Man, you are a mess.

- Rc.
- Yeah, Bob.

Hey, rc, I'm kind of
hung-up here.

Could you give me a hand?

You know, Bob, part
of being a fly-fisherman

is learning how to get
yourself untangled there.

I'd cut you loose, but I'd be
doing you a disservice.

Hey, rc.

Any luck today?

Man, these are gonna be
so great on mugbook.

Never mind.

Yeah. Hey, It's good to see
you're not joined

to the hip with
that criminal, David.

Come on, man.

That was a bullshit charge,

and you know it.

Yeah, bullshit charge.

He steals art's patrol car

and drives through
the post office,

and that's a bullshit charge.

No one saw him.
Yeah, okay.

Hey, David, when are you
coming by the shop?

I'm out of
stimulators, parachutes,

wooly buggers, and I'm
low on everything else.

Next couple of days?
Okay.

What the hell is that?

Hairy man.

Oh, shit. David, really?

You might know him as bigfoot.

Hey, where you going?

Fishing.

Fish are all too scared
down here. Later, rc.

Seriously, we just saw bigfoot

- on the north fork river.
- South fork.

South fork river.

We got a photo of it.

Yes, that's right, Chet.

We are live
with tonight's big story.

Bigfoot
on the South fork river.

We wanna show you
a very dramatic photograph

that was just taken hours ago.
Take a look.

Now, it is blurry...

Hey, grandma.

Some kind of creature...

What are you watching?

News.

Tourists think
they saw a bigfoot.

Holy shit.

- No.
- Charlie Murphy.

Charlie Murphy,
you were the one responsible.

Now that looks like a
very fancy piece of equipment.

With no due respect, sir,

why is this photo so blurry?

Well, the... I had on
a really wide lens,

and the creature,
this big hairy thing

looked and moved more like
an ape than a man.

He was really way upstream

and I might have had the...
I might have knocked

the auto-focus off
in the excitement,

but what I'm gonna do is I'm
gonna get my really long lens,

and I'm gonna come back
out here every day

until I get a better picture.
Every day?

Now, why would you want
to be out here every day?

To get a better picture.

What a douche bag.

How close are we getting?

Right up around the bend,
just chill.

Nice.

I said chill.

They were in
the middle of the stream

just off that little path
by the rock.

Well, they're not there now.

What are you fellas
looking for?

Oh, Amy, Jen.
We were just...

Hoping to find her naked
in the river?

Yes.
No.

This is Rodney.
What's up, ladies?

Wow.

A new fan.

I hope you're not
too disappointed, Rodney.

Of course not.

You know, David,
this makes two strikes.

What do you mean?

Well, you didn't come
by yesterday.

Jen and I just had
to satisfy each other.

Jen said you guys
were going into town.

Silly, silly boy.

And today, you brought a friend
without our permission.

I'm Rodney.

Okay, I'm Rodney.

Amy. And this is Jen.

Nice to meet you.

Doesn't look like those lines

have been in the water yet.

Since you're not fishing,

you can help us
with our laundry.

I'm not really a laundry guy.

Oh, really?
That's too bad.

I haven't taken off everything
I need to wash just yet.

Nice to see you
hardly working, Rodney.

Well, I'm keeping busy.

I see that.

David understands
how to treat women.

We can be very grateful
to men like him.

Hey, David.

Do you mind washing this, too?

May I have my vest back?

No.

So, David,

you're first nations, right?

Mostly.

Mostly?

My grandfather's white,
but I never met him.

Why?

Damn girl, you're nosy.

I'm sorry.
I can't help it.

I was raised in the city.

I'm guessing
it wasn't the projects.

What tribe do you belong to?

Actually, I don't know
anything about my heritage.

Do you wanna hear my story?

Yeah, please.

Here we go.

My grandfather
was a rodeo clown

with a penchant for
four-legged companionship.

He met an untimely demise
when he was crushed by a bull.

My mother got knocked up

by her university
first nations t.A.

Freshman year of college.

As soon as I was born,

they split
for an ashram in France.

My childhood was typical.

Trout fishing and sweat lodges.

Each spring, we'd migrate down
to the lowlands

where we would trap moose

and dance naked under
the lunar eclipses

committing pagan acts
of defiance.

Pretty standard
first nations stuff, really.

He's jerking your chain, Jen.

Don't mock him, Amy.

It's all true.
Right.

It is.
Seriously, It's all true.

Trapping moose?

My grandfather was a rodeo clown
who got crushed by a bull.

Should've known.

I'm afraid
that's actually true.

That's so sad.

Your life is the weirdest.

Hey, David.

Damn, you are such a tease.

Woo.

God, you guys did
a terrible job washing.

Still smells
like a bag of assholes.

I don't think
It's your clothes.

I think something
died in the woods.

Gross.

- Dude.
- I told you.

Oh, so you don't want us
for our bodies, just our pot?

Both, please.

So, what are these orb things?

I don't know.

Like I said,
I've never seen one.

Is it like "close encounters"
kind of stuff

or like "x-files"
kind of stuff?

They're described
as glowing balls of light

that move through the sky.

What color are they?

Why are you so interested?

I thought Amy was shining
a flashlight on me

when I was peeing
after you left the other day.

She said I was hallucinating.

You think it was an orb?

Could be.

But most people
that claim to have seen them

are hallucinating
on a pretty regular basis.

Great.

Oh.

Wow.

I like these.

Mine.

Really?

Amy likes to go commando.

This is incredible.

What did I tell you?

Got something
out of my studies.

A little minor in horticulture.

Why don't you guys
stick around for dinner?

We can get baked
and tell ufo stories.

Works for me.

Then the hairy, grotesque arm

reached under her covers
to her milky white breast.

She tried to scream out

but was overcome
by his extraterrestrial lust

being telepathically
projected into her mind,

and she gratefully...
Oh, man.

That is worse
than ghost stories

I heard at middle school
sleepovers.

It's kind of spooky.

I got to pee.

Hello, trusty rock.

Come on, guys,
a little privacy.

Jeez, Louise,
turn off the flashlight!

How are you doing that?

Better ghost story
than you thought it was.

I saw an orb.

You didn't see the lights?

No, no lights.

I think you might have been
hallucinating again, sweetheart.

Bullshit. Your shit
isn't that good.

I'm freaking out here.

We're living out
in the middle of nowhere,

and I'm getting buzzed
by alien orbs.

Was it threatening?

Yeah, it hovered over me
while I was peeing.

I'd hover over you peeing,
while you were peeing.

Shut up, Rodney.

I'm going to bed.

Bedtime.

Alone.

No, man, I'm good.

Denied, huh?

They're city girls.

We're just not
real options for them.

I'm not willing to give up
that easily, buddy.

I never said anything
about giving up.

That's what I'm talking about.

Boom.
Yeah.

That's good shit.

Sure got Jen all freaked out.

I don't know.

I was watching her,
and I don't think

she took a real drag all night.

What, you think she faked it?

She seemed like
she was really freaked.

She probably just saw an owl.

Chicks are crazy.

Yeah.

I don't know.

Grandma said she saw
one last night.

Bro, with all due respect,

your grandma is crazier
than bat-shit pancakes.

I think It's time for hairy man

to pay our new friends a visit.

Man, Jen gets scared again

and I think she's just gone.

So, you don't think
the chance of a three-way

in the woods is worth the risk?

Think about it.

Huh?

Well, when you put it
that way, it might work.

Yeah, you bet your ass
it'll work, man.

As soon as they see hairy man,
they're going to be so grateful

for your protection,

they're going
to be like, "uhhhhh!"

Am I right?
Oh, yeah.

Squid.

Really?

All right.
See you tomorrow.

Did you catch any fish?

Oh, shit!

Did you trip?

Yes, grandma.

I tripped.

Why the hell are you
sitting in the dark?

I'm watching orbs.

Great. More orbs.

No, just one.

You saw another orb?

Mm-hmm.

I like the blue ones.

What time did you see it?

Just a few hours ago.

It just zipped by
like it was scared.

A scared orb?

Mm-hmm.

I can't see anything
with the light on.

So, did you and Rodney
get laid tonight?

Grandma!

No.

Oh.

Maybe next time.

You both could use it.

Just make sure you keep taking
your meds, Louise.

I will.

Hey, grandma,
I just need to ask

the doctor a couple
of questions.

I'm fine.

Why don't you freshen up

and I'll meet you in the lobby?

Fine, I get it.

Don't let him commit me,
okay, Sharon?

I won't, Louise.

I'm worried about her, doc.

You don't need to be.

She's going
to out-live us both

so long as she keeps
taking her meds.

I'm not worried
about her physical health.

She's starting to live like
she is in the old legends.

What do you mean?

She Says she's seeing
orbs and...

hairy man.

Are you sure
she's not seeing them?

There have been
a few sightings recently.

Oh, she thinks that she's
that she's seeing them.

She's been a little eccentric
since I was a kid.

I'd roll with it.

Isn't there anything
we can do to stop it?

I don't think she has
anything to treat.

I tell you what,

If anything changes,
let me know,

and We'll explore some options.

Okay.

Thanks.

Of course.

I'm not crazy.

I never said
you were crazy, grandma.

But you think I am.

You are seeing things, grandma.

Uh-huh.

Hallucinations aren't real.

I'm not hallucinating.

You are seeing orbs
and talking to hairy man.

Uh-huh.

No one else is seeing orbs

or talking to hairy man.

He doesn't want to talk
to anyone else.

He's on vacation.

And It's not my fault

no one takes the time
to look away

from their TV long enough

to see what's going on
around them.

Hairy man is on vacation?

Uh-huh.

Do me a favor,
ask If I can talk to him.

I don't think so.

Why not?

Because he's on vacation,

and you're not relaxed.

All right, grandma.

Amy?

Jen?

Amy?

Jen?

They're not here.

Well, this sucks.

They're probably
just out banging bankers.

Way to be the optimist.

I'm a realist.

Whatever, let's just go.

I don't know,
It's getting late.

They'll probably be back soon.

Or they just left.

Guess I shouldn't
have taken so long

catching all these fish.

That's what I told you, man.

That's like two days
worth of trout, not dinner.

Okay, whatever. Let's just
get the hell out of here.

Fine.

They were definitely
hoping to find us both naked.

Shit, they're here.

Hide.

Seriously?

They're, like, standing
in the water?

Obviously, like, that's
what you're up to.

Bras are not in here.

Of course I can believe it,

they're a couple
of punk-ass jerks.

Hello, ladies.

You startled me.

What are you doing here?

I just caught some nice fish

and thought I'd bring
them by for dinner.

Nice timing. We just went
to town for groceries.

So, see any more orbs
last night?

Don't tease me.

My grandma saw some last night.

She likes the blue ones.

The one I saw was blue.

Really?
Yes, really.

I didn't sleep a minute last
night, and now you're telling me

I might have actually
seen something?

I don't know.

I just know my grandma saw one.

I didn't see anything.

Look, Jen, we went to town,

you've had your pedicure
and your facial,

we've got groceries,
everything is good.

I'm telling you both,
I saw something.

Maybe you did.

Look, all I'm saying is...

Maybe someone's
messing with us.

Amy.

Come back here,
you little fucker!

Oh, my God! Don't chase
that thing into the woods!

What should we do?

She'll be back soon.

She could be dead right now.

I'm pretty sure the creature

is in more danger
than she is right now.

I'll kill you!
Okay, okay, I give, I give!

Rodney?

What the hell is this?

Bigfoot suit.

Ow, ow, ow!
Dirty bitch! Ow, ow!

That didn't take very long.

Amy?!

Rodney here is
pretty out of shape

for a young guy.

What the hell is going on?

Looks like our two new friends

were trying to scare
the hell out of us.

Why would you do that?

It was a bad idea.
I'm sorry.

Bad idea? That is
way beyond a bad idea.

Oh, Jen, according
to Rodney here,

we should be flattered.
What?

Rodney was taking one
for the team and hoping

he might scare us both
into David's arms.

Are you serious?

That is the dumbest idea
I've ever heard!

You don't get to laugh.

I guess that's sort
of flattering

in a prepubescent sort of way.

This is quite the plot

you hatched out
to get a little lovin'.

We just figured since Jen
saw that orb the other night,

we'd give it a shot.

We've actually been
using the same gag

for quite some time.

You mean there are
other beautiful girls

out here in the woods?

We wish. You guys are
a pain in the ass.

I think you like doing that.

We're scaring fishermen
out of our favorite waters

and attracting the media to...

"Bigfoot sightings"
on crappy waters.

You're kidding?

Okay, scaring girls
into sex, stupid.

Manipulating tourists,

fuckin' brilliant.

It's working, too.

We were on the evening news
a couple of nights ago.

We're really careful
who we choose.

Mostly businessmen
from the front plains

because they don't
want to look crazy.

Kind of like pilots

- not wanting to report UFO's.
- Yeah.

And the news media assumes
lightning will strike

the same place twice.
Exactly.

You guys just might
be onto something.

But we can dial this up a notch

and really have some fun.

How?

I'm just, you know,
wandering alone in the woods,

by myself, late at night.

Oh, my God!
There it is again!

Oh, where is it?

Where'd it go?

Oh, my God! I can hear...

where is it coming from?

Oh, God, It's gonna kill me!

I don't wanna die,
I haven't had sex yet!

Oh, God.

Did you see it?

I hear something.

Just got to be quiet.

Just really quiet.

Oh, God.

No, no!

Oh, my God, where is it?!

I'm so scared.

That is awesome!

Great work, Amy.

Thanks.

David?

It's a little close to home.

I just don't know
If we want to draw

that much attention
to ourselves.

Hey, you started
this little scam.

I know, but YouTube?

Don't be such a puss.

Upload it.

You're still
on probation, jackass.

Rodney?

It was nothing.
I was just being

stupid and got caught.

Forget it.

Doing what?

Joyriding.

Oof, you are a dangerous,

dangerous criminal.

In art's patrol car,

through the post office

and into the river.

Oh, my God, really?

Yes.

The other thing
he isn't telling you is

that I was with him,
and he took all the heat

even though that meant
he did a few years in jail.

You were already 18,
bro, I was not, so...

Plus, how was I supposed to know
they would try me as an adult?

Yeah.

Bro, we're not going
to get caught.

Let's do this.

David?

C'mon!

All right.

Yes!

And away it goes.

We're gonna be
so fuckin' famous.

Okay, did you see that?

Oh, God...

That is what I saw.

It scared
the living shit out of me,

but obviously
It's some kind of hoax.

Holy shit.

Oh, my God.

David, wake up!

David, wake up!

What the hell's going on?

I've been watching
the hits all night!

What?
The YouTube hits!

We're over 500,000
and rising fast!

Oh, shit!

What do you mean, "Oh, shit"?
This is awesome!

Go, get your clothes on.
We've got work to do.

Just give me one second.

Okay. Oh, nice.

New suit looks good, Rodney.

Why, thank you.

Okay, everyone,
synchronize your alarms

for exactly five
minutes from now.

Don't worry about it, Rodney,

just take your cues
from David and Jen.

I want you to work
your way upstream

to that bend
and stay out of sight.

I'm going to make my way
down to the news crew.

David, cross the river
above that bend

and then work your way half way

between Rodney
and the news crew downstream.

Stay hidden.

I'm pretty sure this was

my scam to start with.

Well, we're dialing it
up a notch.

So you've said.

C'mon, let's go!

This is gonna be
gonna be great.

Okay, dude, medium shot

then you pan over
to the river. Ready?

Three, two, one.

Horror in the high country

where one name strikes fear

in the hearts of
all the residents here

on the South fork river.
Sweetheart!

Where are you?

I'm so lonely, sweety!
Cut, cut, cut.

Where are you?!
Excuse me, miss, miss?

Sweety? Hi, honey, listen.
Hi.

We're working on
an important story.

Just give me
a few minutes, okay?

Oh...
Okay.

Okay.
Keep going. Here we go.

Three, two, one.

Where just the name,
bigfoot, can strike...

Sweety!

Cut.
Honeybun!

Sweetheart, lover,
where are you?

Miss, miss, listen, we're doing
a bigfoot story, okay?

Oh.
It's the story of the decade.

And It's going to get me
out of this town, so...

Okay, but I need
to talk to him, too.

Well, we all do, honey.
It's, you know, what we do.

But... so please just...
No, no, you see,

I'm carryin' his baby,

and I wanna surprise him
with the good news.

Really?

Roll it!
Honey, listen.

Aren't you precious.
C'mon over here.

Let's talk about this.

And so what is your name,
princess?

Oh, moon.

Moon. Like, like...

Like the moon?

Yeah, like the moon.

Okay, honey.
So, what exactly happened?

Um, well, I don't usually
kiss and tell.

Okay. But...
You know, let alone, you know.

I know.
We talk about stuff like that.

Here's what we need to do.
We're going to put you on TV

so our nice TV audience
can hear what happened to you.

Okay?
Oh, okay.

You want to do that?
Oh, I will.

I just didn't wanna ruin
the surprise but...

No, I know,
but does he have a TV?

I don't think so.
No, I guess not.

You're right.
He doesn't have TV. Okay.

Well, let's... let's...
you wanna go on TV?

Okay, just act natural.
Sure. All right. Okay.

Are we rolling?
We rolling?

Here we go, act natural.

Three, two, one,

42 action news
has exclusively learned

there is so much more
to this bigfoot story.

Yeah, so I was using
this special fly this weekend.

Thanks, buddy.

It's called the stimulator.

Poor thing
who just told me moments ago,

you are with a child.
Yes. Yes.

You are carrying...

It's a spiritual
love child from gaia.

God damn it.

Well, see, I was naked,

communing with gaia,
you know, mother earth...

Yeah, Mitch, get your TV on.

Yes, channel 42.

Yes, It's the same girl
from that YouTube video.

Yeah, couple a times.

And... but, you know,
he was drawn to me.

And I was afraid
and resisted, but...

After a while...

It was beautiful.

What the hell was that?

- What was that?!
- Oh, sweety...

It's me, your lover!
I have wonderful news!

Dude, are you...
are you getting this?

Are you getting this?

Oh, his friends
must be here, too.

He has friends?
Don't be shy.

- Are you getting this?
- Come on out, sweety,

I've got wonderful news!

Oh, my God, I thought
she was kidding.

Oh, there he is!

Oh my... what is that?!

Oh, there's my clumsy lover!

Oh, my... are you rolling?
Roll on this! Roll!

God damn it!
He's avoiding me!

Roll, c'mon!

Roll, roll.

Come on.
Oh, my God.

You get back here right now!

You get back here
right now, mister.

Oh, Oh, ow!

Local financial mogul,

bill Williams, is reportedly

among those to have encountered

the creature recently.

Efforts to contact Mr. Williams
have gone unanswered.

What the hell
are you people looking at!

Hey, David, what's up?

Got some flies.

Aw, man, It's about time.

All these bigfoot sightings?
Thank you very much.

People have been
swarming in here.

What do you mean?

I thought it would
be keeping people away,

but they are swarming in
like black flies.

I'm low on everything.

Speaking of the devil.

What can I do for you
gentlemen today?

We need to get equipped
for fishing.

Cool, cool, is that clothes?

Rods?
Everything.

Everything it is. Let me
finish up with David here,

and I'll get right to you guys.

We saw you on the evening
news, Mr. Ottertale.

How'd you...
how 'bout store credit, David?

I kind of need the cash.

I'll beat you up.

For grandma.

Man, that's low.
All right, for grandma.

We hope to see bigfoot ourselves.
Mm-hmm.

Yup, everybody wants
to see bigfoot.

I'll get you guys all set up,

and you can just
go find him yourself.

Thanks, David.
Keep 'em comin'.

So, gentlemen,
fly-fishing

is an art form in its truest sense.
But as with any art form...

What would you recommend,
Mr. Ottertale?

Rc's your man.

See you around, David.

See you around.

You won't believe
what's going on.

What's this?
It's my blog.

What blog?

The "I am having
bigfoot's baby" blog.

You will not believe

the crazies coming out
of the woodwork.

No more hairy man?

"Bigfoot's baby blog" just sounded
better than "hairy man baby."

And we have over
a million hits on YouTube.

We're famous.
Oh, I love this one.

"I have been abducted by aliens
several times myself

"and have two half alien/human
hybrid children as a result.

"Would you like to start
a mommy and me group

for alien and crypto children?"

Wow!

Amy is having my love child.

Well, somebody's got to.

David blew it
when he had the chance.

Oh, here's a good one.

"I think I'm bi,

"but I'm not ready to
try menage-a-trois,

"spelled t-w-a,

"with a homosapien male yet.

Do you think bigfoot
would be interested?"

I give second chances.

I saw this on the Internet.
I don't know, man.

Copying bad ideas
off the Internet?

The Internet is a great
source for inspiration.

Someone's eventually
going to realize

hairy man doesn't
wear wading boots.

Whatever, you guys
go make your footprints.

I'm gonna go catch
grandma some fish.

I thought you brought
her a bunch yesterday?

Yeah, I don't know
what she is doing with them,

but she is going through them
as quick as I can catch them.

Can I come?

Where?
Fishing.

Oh, girl, you hate fishing.

Let's go, hairy man.

Bigger steps. They can't
look like a human stride.

- Let me do it, woman.
- Then do it right!

C'mon, let's go.

Bigger! Bigger!

Yeah, that's it. Yeah.

Let's go catch some fish.

Hey, kid!

Hey! Look!

Whoa.

So much for fishing.

Okay, that's cold.

Wow, they say rocky
and Mountain,

they really mean cold,
don't they?

Wooo! Oh, shrinkage!

Whoo.

Whoa. Ha ha!

I saw that picture of yours
on the news. Nice work.

Thanks, but a professional
would know it wasn't very good.

I kind of screwed up.

Nah, you, you got the shot.

I'm Jen.
Hey, I'm Charlie.

Are you part of David's tribe?

No, I'm from California.

You're a photographer?

We could be neighbors.

I'm from orange county. O.C!

O.C.!

Actually, I've been
an accountant for 20 years,

but as soon as I took
that first picture,

I knew my true calling.

So now I'm a wildlife
photographer.

Good thing. You're just...
you're so sneaky.

Thanks.

I figured the hardest
animal to get

is hairy man, bigfoot,

whatever, so here I am.

Here you are.

You haven't seen
him today, have you?

Not today.

But there are some tracks
leading that way.

Oh, hell! Thanks!

Go get 'em, Charlie!

Whoo! This is...

Hey!

Hey! How are the tracks?

This guy with like five cameras

actually started following us.

We led him in circles
for over an hour.

We finally had to cross
the river a few times

and then double back
just to get away from him.

Charlie.
What?

He's the guy who took that first
photo that ended up everywhere.

That's too funny!

Hey.
How was the fishin'?

We caught a lot of fish.

Really?

Whew.

And the game
just got interesting.

That was them.

Obviously.

So, what do you want to do?

I'm going to go check
on grandma.

Grandma's fine.

It's going to be
a full moon tonight,

and I'm feeling
kind of romantic.

That's a really
great offer but...

Hey, guys. What's up?

Hey.

We went fishing
this afternoon. You?

Oh. We made arrangements

to dial it up another notch.

Yeah, baby!

We are going to fake

a ufo landing!
What?!

Rodney and I bought a bunch of
weather balloons, some helium,

a couple of remote
control units,

and some color
changing I.E.D. Lights.

We're going to float them

in that clearing
outside of town

and scare the crap
out of everyone!

It'll be the perfect finale
to our YouTube series!

Amy, how did you pay
for all this ufo stuff?

I used your credit card.
What else is new?

And how much
did everything cost?

Slightly under 10 k.

Jen's loaded, bra.

God damn it! We've
talked about this!

I have no problem
paying for our living supplies!

But $10,000 on toys?
What the frik!

Share and share alike, right?

Besides you're just
as into this as I am.

You paid for
the new hairy man suit.

No, I'm not.

It has been fun,
but a couple hundred bucks

is a hell of a lot different
than 10,000 fucking dollars!

Slightly less than
10,000 fucking dollars!

And since when
did you give a shit?

Since I have a boyfriend and
started discovering my roots,

that's since when!
I am not...

Shut up, David!
You tell him, baby!

Fuck you, Rodney!
Well, take it easy, buddy.

Obviously I'm going
to side with my girlfriend.

And who do you think
is your girlfriend?!

You.
Oh, no, dude,

I am so not your girlfriend.

Okay, I want you to leave

so that I can
be alone with David

so we can talk about this.

You want me to leave?
Yes!

Fine!
No, no don't leave.

Why not, bro? Your girly friend
is being a bitch to mine.

She is not my girlfriend!
I am not your girlfriend!

Well, I haven't been
standing out

in that river with you
because I wanted to be cold

and wet and covered with fish!

And I sure as hell haven't been driving
you around all day because I wanted to!

What the hell was that?

Do you guys smell fish?

I have been smelling fish
for a week now.

Not like that.
I mean like stale fish.

Ah,

Jesus, you're a branch.

You're a branch.

Ow! Prickly!

Grandma, this is Amy and Jen.
Hello.

Hello.
Hello.

Hello, grandma Ottertale.

Hello, Rodney.

Did you bring any fish?

Hairy man likes fish.

Yes, we discovered that.

That's why we're here.

Would you like some cookies?

Oh, no, thank you.

We don't have any anyway.

But white people like cookies.

Thanks, grandma.

We're here to talk about
the orbs and hairy man.

Are they aliens?

Are the orbs
and hairy man together?

Or do they just coincide
with each other?

Where are you from?

California.

That makes sense.

Grandma, we saw hairy man.

And it scared
the crap out of us.

Why?

Well, a three-fingered creature
just came and took our fish.

He likes fish.

Yes, we gathered that.

We just want to know what he is

and where he came from.

Why?

Grandma Ottertale...

Please, call me Louise.

Why the fuck do they
always call me grandma?

I'm only 55.

Sorry, grandma.

Okay, Louise, It's just...

It's important because it calls
so many things into play.

Like, where are we from,
why are we here?

Knowing some of those answers
would help us understand

our place in the universe.

Amy's got her degree
in philosophy.

Oh, that's too bad.

See those geese?

Do you ever wonder
why there's more

on the right side
than the left side?

It's because more geese
decided to fly on that side

than the other side.

I'm sorry.
I don't follow you.

You're looking too hard.

Okay. There must be a reason
why all this is happening.

He's just fishing.

What?

It's good fishing here.

Oh, my God.

He's a tourist?

It's like all
the weekend warriors

in David and Rodney's
fishing holes.

He's here to fish, and he wants

to avoid the locals
as much as possible.

They've been coming
a long time.

Well, how long?
A long time.

I'm gonna take some fish to him
tonight If you wanna ask him.

But he doesn't talk.

Why are you taking
an alien fisherman fish?

I don't think this one's
very good at it.

Oh, Louise, that's our home.

Uh-huh,
you're neighbors.

That's the den right there.

We live next to hairy man?

I guess so.

Is he in there?

He's shy.

I'll go up first
so he knows It's okay.

I hope you caught fish today.

But I brought some more
just in case you didn't.

I brought some friends
with me, too.

This is my grandson, David.

Hello.

And his friend, Rodney.

What's up, hairy man?

And their girlfriends,
Jen and Amy.

Oh, we're not
their girlfriends.

We thought we'd come by

and welcome you
to the neighborhood.

Jen and I live
next door, I guess.

You were at our home earlier.

May I?

Sure.

I can't see him.

He's shy.

Hairy man's a girl.

Hairy girl?

Oh, I don't know.

She could be.

She's a lot bigger than
most of them.

How did you know that?

I don't know.
It popped into my head.

Must be some sort
of alien pheromone.

There's a lot of pheromone
around here tonight.

I don't like this.

What's up?!

Get down!

Ow!

It's a blackhawk.

If he's out here this late,
he's looking for something.

They've got night vision,
forward-looking infrared,

and a whole bunch of other stuff
you don't even want to know about.

I just hope they didn't see
the light coming out of the den.

How the hell
do you know all that?

I grew up in Germany

at the army's helicopter
command hq.

Yeah, a lot of hippie chicks
on military bases, right?

I'm not big on authority.

Why are we hiding?

Who's been making all
the headlines?

Us!

We just led the military
to hairy girl by accident.

She's alone.

All she could do is hide

If they come looking for her.

She was dropped off.

She has to wait
for her friends.

I'm afraid they won't come If
they're being chased by the army.

And the search continues
for a city man,

- Charlie Murphy.
- Yeah.

Friends say after
purchasing a new camera...

Uh-huh.
- ...He had become obsessed

with photographing the elusive

bigfoot of South fork.

When I was taking courses

at the Arapahonsuit
Community College,

my Professor told me there
that the thing you need to do

is find your composition,
fix your lens

and then everything else happens
in photoshoping afterwards.

And why haven't
you arrested them?

To fly search and rescue
operations day and night...

No, no. Listen.
I'll tell you why.

Because some of these
stupid sons a bitches

are getting lost in the woods
trying to find this hoax,

that's why!

How are you doing?

Friends are very concerned.

He has very little experience
in the wilderness,

barely knew how
to operate his new camera,

and they hope
he had not been drinking.

Fine, then We'll set up a sting

and catch them in the act,

whatever you FBI guys do.

Of course I'll participate!

Knock, knock.

Go away, Rodney.

Don't be such a bitch.

Come on in, Rodney.

Mind If we talk?

About what?

About you being a tease.

Piss off, Rodney.

He doesn't deserve that.

You are a tease.

I'm a tease?

Yeah, you are.

I see. Well, I guess that's
better than being delusional.

Who are you talking to?

Both of you.

You for thinking that
you stood a chance with me,

and you for thinking that
you stood a chance with David.

Oh, come on, you know damn
well you'd be lucky to have me.

You're perfect for each other.

Oh, Amy.

Louise.

I'm sorry,
I was looking for David.

Um, he's in his room.

Do you mind If I come in?

No, no, no, come on in.

Cookies?

Oh, no, thanks.

I'm sorry, where is he?

Upstairs.

Thanks.

David?

Amy. What's up?

Rodney came by
to call me a tease

and then Jen joined in and
called me a tease, so I left

and now I'm pissed off
because I'm not a tease,

and I should have
made them both apologize.

Why are you smiling?

Well, you-you are a tease.

You jerk.

Look, I came here...

I know. I can't help it.

It's cool.

I kind of like it.

Really?

Yeah, It's... Kind of hot.

Yes.

What a civilian.

What is he doing?

I don't believe it.

The stupid son of a bitch
is here.

He's pointing at something.

Do you see anything?

Nothing that I can see.

Stinks down here.

What the hell is he doing?

He's sneaking up on something.

Is the camera rolling?

Of course.

Gotcha!

Jesus Christ!

What?!

What the hell is it?!

Some sort of...
some sort of creature.

I've never seen
anything like it before.

It just vanished.
What do you mean vanished?!

I mean, I had it in frame,

there was this weird flash
and it vanished.

That sounds like a cloak.

Let me see that.

See it?

You pressed off instead of on.

God damn it.

We've got 40 minutes

of bill fucking fishing

and no evidence.

You asshole!

Streams all lead
to civilization.

Why can't I find civilization?

I got you. I got you.
I got you.

Come on.

Come on. I got it.

I got it.

I got it!

Whoa, something's going on.

I'm going to check it out.

Oh, please don't, fuzzy bear.
Relax.

What have we been doing
for the past two hours?

Having crazy sex, sugar plum.

So we have an alibi.

Hey, art. You know,
I would still

love to drive
that new car of yours.

Mr. jobs, so nice
of you to show up.

You!

Bill's had another
bigfoot sighting.

I was sure you and your little
buddy were fucking with me.

In the news, every time
there was a sighting,

but hairy man, is fucking real!

That's what I told you, man!

He just scared
the shit out of me,

and there's no fucking way

that was a punk-ass kid
in a suit.

Who are those two
wankers over there?

Claim to be FBI.

Huh, well, cool.

Good luck, bill.
You're gonna make it.

People! Hey!

I got a picture of hairy man!

Hey, hey, I got a
picture of my hairy man!

I'm a real goddamn
wildlife photographer!

Let me see it!

I don't see anything.

Oh, my God, FBI?

Shit.

Think we're in trouble?
Oh, I know we're in trouble.

I just don't know how much.

We got to find David.

Oh, hold on, it must have
just run out of batteries.

Oh, wait. No, shit.

Oh, shit, that was my last one.

God damn it!

Where'd you get those pants?
Those are awesome.

I could really do some hiding
in the wild with those.

What size are you?

Hi, Louise.

Hi.

Hey, grandma, David around?

Him and Amy are upstairs
making noise.

Oh, really?

Out of bed, asshole!

Hey, guys. What's up?

Are you up there
banging my girlfriend?

Come on out, Amy.

We hooked up, too.

Nice!

But seriously, get dressed,
we've got a problem.

What's up?

You guys cut it way
too close this time.

What are you talking about?

We just left the landing,

and the same guy that
we scared a couple weeks ago

was lying on his back

rambling about
hairy man to art.

Ring a bell?
What?

Yeah, the two FBI guys

and Charlie were there as well.

I have no idea
what you're talking about.

You guys obviously
pulled a scam without us,

and you got way
too close this time.

We've been inside
for at least...

Two hours.

Shit, you don't think...

I think they saw
our little friend for real.

We got to go check on her.

Where are you going?

We're going to her den
to make sure she's all right.

She's leaving tonight.
It's the full moon.

How do you know that?

They always leave
on the full moon.

Is she all right?

She's scared,
what do you think?

Where the fuck are you going?!

To her den, grandma.

She's not there.

How do you know that?

She's right here.

Shit, would I be sitting
here for nothing?

I'm just sitting here
trying to chill

with her, you know?

Do you have any more fish?

She's hungry.

Yep, I think she's
a stress eater.

Oh, company.

Nice car, art.

Not now, Rodney.

Need any help?

No, thanks.
Just a raccoon.

Sounds like a big one.

If you all are thinking about
getting into any more trouble,

I wouldn't.

What do you mean?

Hey, art?

Oh, nothing really.

It's just that I thought
you should know

there's a lot of feds around

asking a lot of questions
about you four.

Hey, art.

Huh, that's weird.
I wonder why?

The army and those two FBI guys
are asking for you.

Yeah, I wonder why.

Looks like the cavalry's here.

They're staging something
at the high school.

I got to go over and make sure
everybody behaves.

Hey, art,
where the hell are you?

Be good.

Drive safe.

Shit, what the hell
are we gonna do?

We've got hairy girl
under the porch

and cops everywhere.

She has to leave tonight.

Where does she need to be?

At her campsite.

What? So, we have the cops,

the feds,
and apparently the army

between us
and where she needs to go.

Great.

We need a diversion.

What we need is not to draw

any more attention
to ourselves.

No, If we give them
what they're looking for,

they won't stumble on
her by mistake.

We'll put on
the fake ufo landing

like Rodney and I planned.

So, you wanna lure them
to a hoax on tribal land?

We'll have to give
them bigfoot as well, Rodney.

This isn't a bunch
of fucking tourists anymore.

I really don't want
to go back to jail.

Or get shot.
Yeah.

Okay, fine.
I will wear the suit.

Damn, you guys are such wusses.

I wear the suit around here.

I will do it.
No, you're not.

It's a bad idea.

Luring the feds
and the army cavalry

to tribal ground
is not an option.

Last time it happened
around here, it ended badly.

Rodney, get dressed
and run around town.

The rest of us will send up
the lights and balloons

as soon as you can
hide and text us.

They'll see our ufo, and They'll
all come up to the clearing.

I'm telling you no.

Relax, chief.

I'm an army brat, so the worst
They'll do is call my father

and the joint chiefs
or something.

Everybody else can hide.

What?

You're fucking out of line!

And this never
should have happened!

Excuse me?

I had this nice
little scam going on

until you tourists got involved

and blew the whole thing up

with your YouTube videos

and your bigfoot baby crap!

So this is my fault?

Mostly yours and Jen's.

Oh, hold on, I didn't want...

Shut the hell up, Jen!

Relax, okay?
Just relax.

It's an accident.
All of us are in on it.

We just have to fix it,
It's fine.

Rodney, fuck you, too!

You're just as much
of a tourist as they are!

Bro, remember
when I live 5 minutes

down the road from you and
I've seen you every single day

since we were 6 years old.
You're scaring her.

You've been squatting
on tribal land

longer than they have!
So what?!

Squatting?
Enough!

Okay, I'm sorry
you don't like it,

but I am sticking to the plan.

Now, you and Louise
can get her home

as soon as you have
an opportunity.

Nice to have met you, Louise,
take care of her.

Unbelievable.

Huh.

What, grandma?

Must be the rodeo clown in you.

All you got to do
is get their attention.

As soon as they are following you,
jump in the bushes and text us.

We'll send up the balloons
and then you can ditch the suit.

All right.

Jen will meet you later
at home later, okay?

You got it?
Got it.

Hey.

Be careful.

Go get 'em, baby!

You know you were a jerk.

Thanks, grandma.

You really need to apologize.

I need to apologize?

Uh-huh.

She called me chief.

Which is a title of respect.

She should have
called you Tonto.

It means stupid.

Something wrong
with our plan, officer?

Where should I begin?

This is standard
federal response

to a threat to
homeland security, so...

I've read the book.

Just think that It's overkill

for a bear sighting.

Overkill?

You didn't see that creature.

I assure you this
is not overkill.

Fine, just make sure you
write in your report

that I told you it
would be a mistake

to call in the military

over a bear sighting.

It was not a bear.

Agent Wesson,
It's always a bear.

Are you fucking blind?

There it is!

That's not a bear!

Let's go!

Nope, just a dumb-ass.

I can not believe
I screwed this up so much.

David screwed up.
You tried to apologize.

No, I'm not talking
about David.

Okay, then what are
you talking about?

Hairy girl.

They've been coming here
for who knows how long

without any problems
until we screwed it up.

We'll fix it.
I hope so.

David's still an asshole.

Okay. Ten thousand
freaking dollars

and you couldn't find
one person to help us.

Shh.

Hey, art, we just
got a report of

a high-speed chase
and bigfoot running down main.

Do you know what the hell
is going on?

Hairy man's just a dumb-ass kid.

Nothing to get excited about.

Don't let them around.

Don't let them around,
don't let... come on, Mike.

Oh, fuck!

Asshole!

He's getting away!

He's not getting away.
We're right fucking there.

God damn it!
Come on!

Sorry. I never could figure
these things out.

Can you get her to
her den by yourself?

Yes.

I gotta go help.

I know.

I know. Go.

I love you, grandma.

Mm-hmm.
I love you, too.

Be careful.

Here, you take the wheel.

No, just take the wheel.

Whoa. What are you doing?

What are you doing?

I'm gonna get him.

Do you see him?
Where is he?

What? Seriously?

He's straight ahead,
straight ahead.

What?
What are you doing?

Put the gun down!
Put the gun down!

Shit, shit, shit! No!

Hey, Dwayne.
Here you go.

Hey, rc, thanks.

You're welcome.

What's going on
around here tonight?

Bigfoot and a high-speed
chase down main.

It's David and Rodney again.

I don't know what the hell
they're up to but...

One of their
girlfriends called Ben.

Needs a crane rental tonight.

- It's after 10:00.
- Yeah, I know.

I don't know what the hell they're
up to, but they're putting something

together up by the meeting
grounds.

It's like one big damn party
around here tonight.

Yeah, it is, isn't it?

Hey, sheryl. Yeah, It's rc.

There's a big party going on up
at the meeting grounds.

No, no. Call the gals,

get a bunch of beer
and head on up.

No, I promise, It's going
to be a huge shit show.

All right, have a good time.

All right, man. I'll call you
from the road

and let you know
what's going on.

Come on, Rodney,
what's the hold-up?

I don't know any
of those people.

I don't know, either.

Huh? Anything yet?
No.

You got bars?
Four.

We should have heard
from him by now.

Come on, Rodney.

I'm just going to wing him.

There's only one...
don't wing him.

We're talking about Rodney.

He'll be fine.

Oh, I guess that's what
ten grand will get you.

Where's Rodney?

You didn't hear from him?

No, nothing.

Oh, my God! He's
going to get killed!

No, as long as we keep hearing
gunshots, he's not dead.

We have to go down
there and find him.

If Rodney dies, I'm going to
beat the crap out of you!

Okay, that's cool.

I got this.

Hey, art.

Be on the lookout for
county fire and rescue

joining the pursuit.

Let's just keep it slow, boys.

Come on, let's go.

Come on. Let's go.

Come on.

Hey, there, Dwayne, art
managed to get them

out of downtown and slowed down

enough to lose Rodney.

Oh, that's good.
I hate to see him back in jail.

Hey, uh, where should
we send them now?

Uh, Oh, how about across
the river on old stage road?

Oh, that's a good one.

Attention all units,
bigfoot sighted

moving east on old stage road.

I'm sorry.
I was way out of line.

Way out of the line.

Oh, my God!
I killed Rodney!

What the hell, guys!

Rodney.

Ugh!

We're so hooped.

They're only checking in town.

That chopper's gonna
find your grandma.

We're gonna be late.

Drop me off at
the edge of town again,

and I'll lead them up
to the clearing.

The hell you are.

You just got
destroyed by a car.

Jen, you need to
take him to the er.

Get down! Get down!

Well, I for one am
not going to leave

Amy and grandma
hanging, all right?

I'll take care of it.

Give me the suit.

What?

Give me the suit.

Come on.

Come on,
we're going to be late.

Attention all units,

bigfoot heading South
on main street.

We're coming to
get you, hairy man!

Jesus, you're gonna
hurt somebody!

Come on.

Ufo landing in progress

at the meeting grounds.

I hate tourists.

Hey, look.

Night vision.

Nice!
Yeah.

Where is he now?

I don't know,
I think I lost him.

I just see him. He's straight
ahead, straight ahead!

Okay. Here we go.
Here we go.

Okay. Okay,
wildlife photography.

Dead life photography

as soon as I hit
the motherfucker.

Don't hit him.
Can I put my foot here?

Hold still, hold still,
hold still!

God damn it.

Get down. Shit!

Bigfoot now heading
west on old stage road.

This is dangerous.

You are completely safe with me driving.
Do you hear what I'm saying?

These feds are trying
to get around you,

and you better not let them
around because If they get...

they get there first,
have you ever seen "e. T.?"

They're going to give
hairy man a lobotomy.

They'll give him a lobotomy!

This is army air cav one, all
units stand down immediately.

We are inbound
and taking over situation.

Nobody needs to get hurt.

There he is!

We got the bastard now!

Hairy man is up shit creak!

Act three, finale!

The FBI kills bigfoot! Action!

What?

Get on the ground.
I'm not bigfoot!

Get down!
I'm not bigfoot!

Don't shoot!

God damn it, David.

Wait a minute. Where the
hell is the creature?!

Where the hell is the creature?

I believe this is my
jurisdiction.

This is a matter
of national security issue.

Really, a kid in a
Halloween costume?

Hey, I want that back!

Come on, David, let's go.

Gentlemen,
I'll take miss Clark.

I'm afraid not.

She's got a lot to answer for.

Boys, this is way above
your pay grade. Come on.

She's all yours.

Sorry, art.

Hey, dad.
Bigfoot's baby?

Hey!

Your mother's been
worried sick about you.

Where the hell is the creature?

Where the hell is the creature?

God damn it!

You're welcome.

This is bullshit.

I know what I saw.

I got pictures.

I wish they hadn't
taken my camera.

Where'd you get those pants?

Those are awesome.
I could really do some

hiding in the wild with those.

What size are you?

See you, Louise.

Yeah, see you, Arthur.

Oh, your badge.

Rock me, Rodney!

Do you mind If I fish through?

No one's stopping ya.

It doesn't work.

What?

Fishing naked.

You told me it was the only
way to catch big fish?

I lied.

I just wanted to see
If I could get you naked.

Guess it worked.