All language subtitles for American Beach House Edited Feature_EN

I'm good.

Hey, bud, can you hold this for a second?

Hey, Charlie, where are you going?

Hello?

I could get used to this.

It's not bad.

Not bad?

Sorry, guys,
it must have been something I ate.

Something you ate.

Yeah, I noticed something
back there in the van.

WWW TMI.

What?

Way way too much information.

Speaking of information,
I know why I'm here.

But are you guys winners too.

And exactly what does that mean
and how does that work?

If I could have your attention, please.

I think I can answer
all of your questions.

-First of all, hello.
-Hi.

And on behalf of Winfree, the New Films
International download service, welcome.

My name is Miss Maureen
and I'm the house manager.

You may also recognize me
from the Winner's Notification download.

Well, first of all, let's welcome you all.

Charles, I hear that you're interested
in technology and computers.

A little.

Okay, and Johnny,
you're a college athlete.

Yes, ma'am.

Vincent. Pre-med, yes?

-Absolutely.
-Great.

Lola, have you decided
on your masters yet?

Not yet.

Maggie, how's your fashion line
coming along?

Fantastic. You should check it out.

And, Jenna, I'm so glad you could get
time off your teaching job to be with us.

Well, as you can see,
we've all researched you thoroughly

as a prerequisite to your being invited
to this beach house.

I'm here to make sure everything during
your prize-winning stay runs smoothly.

As all expense paid prize winners,

each of you is entitled
to your run of the house.

Anything you want
from the fridge freezer, bar.

Access to all the games,
toys pool, firepit

and 40 feet of the best
beachfront property

the United States has to offer
for the next seven days.

Two rules.

One, you all have to share in the prize.

If one of you goes home early,
you all have to go home early.

And two.

No ocean swimming after dark.

So anything you want to know
about the house, ask me.

Anything you want to know
about the beach, ask Joe, the lifeguard.

You'll find him on the beach from sunrise
till sundown at the lifeguard shack.

Those are the rules. Any questions?

Great. Well, room assignments
are on the board.

All right.

I say let's stash all of our stuff
in our rooms,

heat up the hot tub,

and the liquor cabinet and let's get
this party started. Shall we?

I'm in.

You had me at liquor cabinet.

Hell, this is a mother fucking yeah!

We can do this.

Okay, so I haven't decided
which bikini I want to wear yet.

-You mean there's options?
-Of course.

Cool. I like this purple one.

On me or on you?

-Really?
-Yeah.

These are my designs.
These are all like samples.

So I figure it'd be a perfect time
to test them out.

I think you left your steamer trunk
in the hallway.

Yeah, I'll get it later.

Dude, look.

-It's the girls' bedroom. Wanna watch?
-What?

You can see everything.

Charlie, you're such a pervert, man.

So do you want to watch or not?

-I'm down.
-Maybe.

Depends on who's getting undressed.

Okay, ladies, let's strip down
and suit up.

Give it a few minutes
and it will be all of them.

There you go.

Wait. Before you take anything else off...

Why? What's up?

You know how on those reality shows
they have hidden cameras all over?

I have a feeling about that tech nerd.

He might have come in here
and snuck a camera somewhere.

You know, he absolutely
was the first one in the house.

Yeah.

I don't know about you, but I'm not about
to be recorded without my knowledge.

Check out this app on my phone.

It recognizes remote camera frequencies
as if it were the receiver. Oh, yeah.

And if there's a camera in here,
it'll pick it up.

What are they doing?

Who cares?

Let me see if I can...

Oh, what's that?

There's a camera in here.

And it's on right now.

Those perverts are watching us right now.

Dude, that Lola girl, man.
She looks so...

But if we report it,
we might all have to go home.

Oh, no, no, no. That's not happening.

-We just got here.
-Okay, okay.

First, detection.

Then, revenge.

Okay. I can work with that.

You know what?

They're watching.

Let's give them something to watch.

And talk about.

-Music, please.
-Okay.

Oh, all right, Maggie, way to show.

Do you think they're strippers
or something?

I don't know,
but with moves like that they could be.

A supermodel or something.

Look at everything just bouncing.

Oh, it's just like having clouds.

This is what they think girls do
in real life.

-Beautiful.
-Yeah, man.

Geez.

Damn.

Hey, hypnoboy.

Transfixation lad. Are you in there?

The problem is, I'm the same way.

Just so you know, if you're talking
about Jenna I'm going to have to kill you.

No. I'm more of a Maggie type, man.

No. Oh, no.

What the fuck happened?

Do you think they knew
that we were watching them?

Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

There's a big fuck you
from her right there.

This is not good, gentlemen.

I mean, luckily I can rewind this.

And we can, I can replay everything.

But you guys probably
don't want to be in the room.

I mean, if you do that's fine.

I really don't want to be in the room.

I could always use an extra hand.

I would gladly leave the room.

I've been practicing these new techniques.

You want us to leave, Charlie?

No, you could stay.

You want some alone time to rub one out?

Oh, man. I can't take it.

Which one?

Maggie.

The brunette.

Good taste.

But there's not a bad apple
in that whole bunch there, buddy.

It's so frustrating.

I don't even think she knows I exist.

Well, then you have to make sure she does.

Wait.

No offense.

You think I'm going to take
romantic advice from an old lifeguard?

Oh, nice.

I'll answer that in two parts.

Number one, I'm hung like an orangutan.

Hi, big guy.

You got enough air down there?

Number two,

all this talk about how men think
that women think that size doesn't matter.

It's BS, man.

I mean, look at me.

I'm an okay looking guy.

I mean, I got a pretty good physique.

Natural tan and everything.

But all I do is sit up in that tower
and wait for them to come to me.

I don't mind saying so myself,

I have saved my fair share
of relationships.

Because when I'm not up on that tower,
I'm a marriage counselor in Santa Monica.

Doctor Joe the Lifeguard Marriage
Counselor McKay at your service.

You're kidding, right?

About which part?
The marriage counseling part?

No.

About the part getting more sex
than a man could handle in a lifetime.

It's true, man.

It's true.

But I'll be honest with you.

It's not enough that you want them.

They have to pick you.

So how do we make that happen here?

Okay. Now listen up, 'cause I'm only
going to tell you this once all right?

I want you to go down to the pier
and get a candle.

And then tonight I want you to stand
outside of her bedroom window,

not too close mind you.

Yeah, I don't want to creep her out.

Are you sure about this?

Just stand outside of her window, okay.

With your lit candle.

Selfless in your vigil.

Through rain or shine.

Wow, dude.

That pool.

Yeah, buddy.

Awesome.

All right, do a spin.

Bye-bye.

Goodnight, ladies.

Good night.

-It's a seal.
-I know.

Well, I'm going to turn in.

I will see you in the morning.

Ladies, good night.

Good night. What about your jacket?

Keep it.

So I can recognize you
next time I see you.

Mind if I join you?

Of course. Get in.

This is one of the perks of the job.

Next to meeting nice new people like you.

So what exactly do you do?

Oh, I'm a lot of different things.

House manager.

Sometimes cook,
yoga instructor, tour guide.

Friend, if someone ever needs one.

I'd like to try the yoga if I can.

7 AM out here tomorrow morning.

And when's the second class.

If anyone'd know about second class,
it'd be you.

Nice.

Oh, God.

That was a big splash.

I do like foreplay.

Especially when he knows what he's doing.

Okay, so I have a confession to make.

I haven't actually done it.

You've got to be kidding me.

I know.

I'm a nasty little teaser girl.

But I was raised old fashioned,
so yeah, I'm a virgin.

And I'm okay with that.

But I do everything else.

No, really. Everything.

So you're waiting for the honeymoon?

No.

It's nothing like that.

When I meet the right guy, I'll know it.

What about you, Lola?

Lover.

Boyfriend. Ex-husband.

Ax murderer.

I've actually never been in love.

I don't even know what love feels like.

Miss Maureen?

Oh, just Maureen.

Let's just say that love and I
are old and dear friends.

But there's nothing quite
like the feeling of being in love

or giving to someone
with the high of being in love.

I guess I don't have a clue.

Trust yourself.

You'll know.

Well, I guess I'm going to call it
a night.

Or take a long walk on the beach.

I haven't decided yet.

Yeah, well, bedtime for me.

I've got yoga at the ass crack of dawn.

Me too.

Thanks for your advice, Maureen.

Come out.

Come out. It's okay.

Sorry if I creeped you out.

I was looking at Maggie.

She's so beautiful and...

Well, now, you...

There's nothing wrong with looking.

Have you tried telling her?

Yeah, I could never do that.

Well, never say never.

I think you could man up quite nicely
if given the chance.

Could you hand me my robe on your way out?

Yeah.

That's your robe?

The blue one.

You could just leave it here.

Right.

I'm just gonna...

Hey.

It's you.

I thought I'd seen all I was going to see
of you tonight.

What are you doing out here?

I couldn't sleep.

Why not?

I was thinking about you.

Jenna, Jenna,

wherefore art thou...

With love's light wings,

these stony limits
cannot hold the love out.

Will thou leave me so unsatisfied?

And what satisfaction
canst thou have tonight?

Well, he didn't write it like this

but Shakespeare he would say,
"Come down to me."

Yeah, give me a minute.

Come on. I got you. I'll catch you.

-Are you sure?
-Yeah.

Come down.

Okay.

Piece of cake.

-Ready?
-Ready.

Ready? Go.

Are you okay?

There's a crotch in my face.

Was that catch me or crotch me?

There's a crotch in my face.

Crotch me. Got it.

I kinda like it.

-Wait.
-You like that?

Stop it. Somebody's coming.

Somebody's coming.

Stop. Somebody's coming.

Are you okay, dear,
out here all by yourself?

Yeah.

You happen to be sitting right here
on my favorite walking path to the beach.

I need to exercise.

To burn off all my excess sexual energy.

So did you come here with a group?

Or are you by yourself?

It's just no. I mean, it's just me.

Oh, poor dear.

You're shivering.

Is there anything...anything else I can...

that I can do for you, ma'am?

Oh, God!

Would you want a blanket?

Oh, no, no.

Oh here, here.

Take my shawl.

No here.

Oh, well, that's better.

Peek-a-boo.

I see you.

Was it as good for you
as it was for me, young fella?

Me too.

Oh, Jesus, lady!

Jees!

I'm going to leave you my number
with Miss Maureen, okay?

And I'm right down the road
in the assisted living facility.

Okay.

And young lady you need to share.

It's important.

Bye.

Thanks, I guess.

What do you have to say for yourself?

Thank you? I guess.

Seriously, road sharks
are not a real thing.

They're just people getting mistaken
for seals all the time.

-That's why shark attacks occur.
-Seriously?

What are you doing lounging around for?

I need your help.

First of all, I'm not lounging around.

I'm cooling down after my yoga workout.

Okay, you caught me. I'm icing my cootch.

Trying to see if it will ever work again.

I think I split something in half.

I need to work on my downward dog,
you know what I mean.

Yeah.

Yeah, okay, help me up. Help me up.

No. Not you.

All right, you're done.

What do you need my help with?

Well, Lola was jogging on the beach
and she found a baby seal in distress.

She went and got Joe the lifeguard
and he called the vet.

-Will you grab the door for me?
-Yeah.

Really nice guy.

He took the seal
to the Marine Mammal Institute.

And now Lola wants
to throw a benefit party

to help raise money to heal the seal.

-How'd I do?
-Not bad.

-Party?
-Hell, yeah. I'm in.

Well, Maggie's in.

-So am I.
-You were already in.

-Really.
-Yep.

I'm thinking we could do it here.

-Out here?
-Yeah. Yeah.

I'm seeing a live band, maybe a couple
of hundred people, cocktails, a rave.

Oh, yeah, it's going to be good.

I mean there's that stipulation
about trying not to break anything rule.

But I'm sure we could talk
that over with Maureen.

So you've done this before.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

It's just like a runway show.

Without the models.

Less bitching involved.

And who knows what else
I can wrangle up by Friday night.

By the way,
I decided the party's on Friday.

Not you.

Hey, excuse me.

You got a quick second?

Sure. What's up?

Nice to meet you, man.

Andy West.
Friends call me Andy West Coast.

It's a little joke.

I'm a talent agent.

It's literally my job
to go around scouting people.

Look for fresh faces like yourself.

-My card.
-Yeah?

Yeah.

I'm sure you hear this all the time.

You my friend.

You've got the face for film and TV.

So what if I was interested?

Do you have any headshots?

No. What's that, a drink?

You're funny, buddy.

Going up to the bartender and going like,

"Hey, bartender, let me get
a little headshot on the rocks."

No, no, no. But seriously seriously.

They're just pictures, man.

Usually done by a professional.

You got those?

I don't.

Look, here's what I'm going to do, man.
I'm gonna get my guy on this.

He's gonna take care of you, all right?

Just do me a favor. Just be here
tomorrow same place, same time.

Sure.

Awesome.

Do me a favor, all right.
Wear something a little fancier.

White shirt.

Hold it.

It might be the Commish, man.
Got to take it. Tomorrow, right?

Yeah, yeah.

Selfless in your vigil.

Selfless through rain or shine.

Good morning, sailors.

Some rainstorm we had last night, huh?

What are you doing?

Well you've all been such good boys,

I decided to make you
my special, irresistible,

almost instant chocolate pudding.

Really.

It's very nice of you.

Oh, no. It's nothing.

You guys really deserve it.

What'd you got there.
Some free samples for us?

Absolutely not. Not until it's finished.

Are those dolphins?

Look right out there.

I love dolphins.

No, I think I really see them.

Oh, pudding.

Can I have some?

You know, actually it's just for the boys.

Oh, really?

Yeah, it's special guy pudding.

Guy pudding.

I've never heard of that.

You know I was wondering
about some of those yoga poses.

Do you mind showing me some?

Sure.

Eat up, boys.

Oh, yeah.

This is good stuff.

This is some of the best pudding
I've ever eaten.

The best.

Well, thanks.

What's the special ingredient?

What do you mean?

What makes it taste so good?

Well, my mom taught me how to make it.

And she always said
that the special ingredient was love.

Love.

That's nice, isn't it?

Well, I'll catch you guys later.

And I hope it all comes out all right.

I wonder what she meant by that.

Women.

They always say things
that don't even make sense.

Awesome.

It's like an orgasm in your mouth.

Fuck it.

Trying to get every bit.

That's a good idea.

Oh, that's so good.

Revenge is sweet
especially when it's pudding.

Battle stations.

Battle stations!

So it's on the phone.

Yeah.

It's only a matter of time.

Okay.

Now we wait.

What are you two up to?

Nothing.

Really?

Out with it or I'll tickle it out of you.

Double dog dare you.

Really? Really?

Are you going to tell me?

Yes. Yes.

Okay.

So...

Lola wanted to get back at the boys
for their little camera gag

so she planted their camera
in their own toilet.

I modified it.

Why?

Ew is right.

But I used gloves.

Sanitary.

Okay, here's the best part.

Then I may or may not have fed them
chocolate pudding with laxative.

Oh, my God!

Yes.

It's only a matter of time
before we'll be able to see

and hear the results
of our little experiment.

Guys. Guys.

Let's go play some sand football.

Yeah?
Maybe we could get the girls to join?

No.

No!

Oh, my God.

Must have been something he ate.

You guys have the weakest stomachs.

Baby blue whales.

Johnny.

Johnny?

Oh, God.

Johnny?

Oh fuck.

Drink this.

Beer won't help.

Fuck. This is gross.

Sorry, dude.

I can't.

Oh, my God, Johnny, no!

Shit the size of watermelon.

Fuck. What is that?

Fuck.

Shit.

Damn it.

Oh, shit.

Oh, you too?

Oh, God.

This is as disgusting as coke.

One more!

Oh, yeah!

That was amazing.

I lost five pounds.

I lost five pounds.

Oh, the abs feel good.

Oh fuck.

Oh fuck.

Not again.

Oh, shit.

Sorry, dude.

No, dude!

Dude!

-Dude!
-I can't hold it.

What the fuck!

-I can't hold it.
-Oh, my God, dude.

Here. Take a beer.

Hold my hand.

I can't, I can't, I can't.

A little self props.

This is going on the internet, right?

Yeah.

How many YouTube hits do you think
we're going to get for that?

A shitload.

Literally.

Bitches must die.

Group meeting.

Group meeting.

What the hell is that thing?

This is my special
little surveillance camera.

I found it in our bathroom.

And in my other hand I have hard evidence

that we were poisoned
by that bitch witch whatever.

Fished it out of the trash myself.

The prove, gentlemen, is in the pudding.

So they hid your little creeper cam on us.

Then they took these laxatives

and stuck them
in our delicious chocolate pudding.

You know, it was actually pretty funny.
I mean...

Yeah. It's probably on the web by now.

If I know that Lola.

Damn her.

If she wants to declare war,
then so be it.

Dude, I doubt she put it on the internet.

And come on, man. You need to lighten up.

Funny is funny.

You hid the damn spy cam in their room.

You started this.

Well just the same.

Look, we need to make them feel
a lot guiltier about this.

And maybe I could get
guilt sex out of Maggie.

Or I mean I'll even settle for a video

that I can view on my,
on my own in my spare time.

Or I'll take even a single picture.

I'm a pretty reasonable guy.

Jenna.

I'm so sorry.

Yeah, not half as sorry as we all are.

That was wicked.

I had no idea they were going to do it.

Had I known, I would have warned you.

Hey, this is Andy West.

Sorry I can't take your call.

Please leave your info.
I'll call you back. Ciao!

You have to admit it was kind of funny.

No.

No, I don't have to agree.

You make great noises.

Yeah. Come on. Let's take a walk.

And what are you three up to now?

Well, to be honest...

We all feel really bad
about what happened.

Especially Jenna,
since we deliberately kept her out of it.

So what we're up to is a "sorry we gave
you diarrhea make up dinner."

It's Thai food.

The guys aren't going to believe you.

I'm not sure I believe you either
after last night's little shit show.

Please. Please. Please.

Accept our apology.

I accept your apology.

I'm only speaking for my self though.

The other guys you're going to have
to work on yourselves.

Okay.

All right.

You know, there's something honest
and sincere about that guy.

Not to mention the movie star good looks.

It's a part of the package, I guess.

Is Lola "I don't know what love is"
taking an interest in the opposite sex?

All I said was that he's a nice guy,
and that's all there is to it.

You know...

I've been around long enough
to know that when somebody says,

"And that's all there is to it,"
that's not all there is to it.

Believe what you want.

Nobody's stopping you.

There it is.

Lola likes Johnny.

Lola likes Johnny.

Gosh, stop.

I don't want him to hear you.
So you do like him.

Do not.

Do not.

Do too. Do too.

Liar, liar, hot little bikini
thong pants on fire.

Well, he is kind of gorgeous.

Okay.

Here's what we're going to do.

We're going to reel him in.

Tonight before we eat,

you're going to put on
some "notice me" makeup,

and I have a top in my bag that combined
with your tits will knock his eyes out.

-Literally.
-All right.

Can I trust you two to
behave while I'm gone?

Of course.

All right then, see you in a bit.

What are you doing now?

Nothing.
Just another little secret ingredient.

Just for the boys.

What is it this time?

Just a harmless gastro-erotic terrorism.

Gastro-erotic?

For someone who doesn't do it,

you seem to have a purse
full of party favors.

Didn't we promise?

You promised.

Technicality.

Dinner's ready.

It smells really good in here.

Oh, no, Charlie.

Actually, honey, that seat's taken.

I didn't know we had assigned seating
and that I had to make reservations.

Charlie, could you just please sit
by me today?

Johnny.

Earth to Johnny.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Thank you.

So what is it?

It's an Asian fusion Muoi Thai crob.

Isn't that a mixed martial art?

Very funny.

So how do we know we can even trust you?

Yeah, how do we know?

I mean it all came out
all right last time, didn't it?

Hey.

As my father the doctor used to say,
"No poo poo talk at dinner."

Guys. Guys, look.

We're really, really sorry.

Maggie spent all day
in the kitchen today,

working away so hard preparing
this authentic meal

to get back in your good graces.

-So the least we can do is...
-Just eat up.

Here.

Try the special sauce.

It really helps bring out the flavor.

So what's coming up for tonight?

After we eat we're going to go to an event
that the party planners have lined up.

They're having a band and we can
check it out before our benefit party.

Oh, right. Let's go clubbing, posse!

Okay. Cool.

So I've obviously never used
that word ever in my life.

Nor will I ever use it again.

I swear, I just...

I'm sorry, guys. This is private party.

You're not able to get inside.

Have a good night, guys.
Have a good night.

Excuse me. Sorry. Sorry.

Excuse me.

Let me handle this, ladies.

I don't think so. Hi.

Hi. We're looking for the big guy.

Oh, that would be me.

How can I help you tonight, guys?

You look familiar.

Have we met?

We're friends of Miss Maureen.

You must be talking about my brother.

Brother from another mother, huh.

Sweet Maureen.

Do you remember that song?

I think you're talking
about Sweet Melissa.

There's a difference but... Listen to me.

I know the difference.

Do you want to make something out of it?

I'm capturing this on video right now.

-So if you try to...
-I don't care.

So Maureen.

Oh, sweet Maureen.

Of course, guys.

Everybody, you can go inside.

Take a look around.
You can help yourself.

Enjoy your life.

You can stay as long as you want.

Everybody.

Everybody except him.

Love me

Hate me

You imitate me

Paper guns and silver lightning

I can feel the tension heightening

If it feels right it can be so private

You can hide the way

This band is awesome.

We are getting for our party for sure.

I am the new black

I am ready to accept

The girl you came for

I'm gonna start a war

I am the new black

You'd better watch your back

You know you want more

You'll cause an uproar

What did you...

What's wrong?

Oh, stay.

Oh, boys.

What did you guys do?

Oh nothing, honey. It's harmless.

They'll be fine in eight hours.

I am not amused.

At all.

Do you know what we just went through?

Tell me about it.

We were just hitchhiking on the side
of the road with our rock solid cocks out.

Nobody would pick us up.

Nobody except that weird
old lady up the street

from that assisted living place.

Hi, boys.

Oh, do you need a ride?

Oh, yeah.

Thanks for the offer, but it doesn't
look like you have any room in there.

-So it's...
-Oh, no, no, no problem.

We could sit on your laps.

We can sit on all of your laps.

Oh, my God, no. No!

Guys, get out of here.

Oh, shit.

Crazy.

Oh, Ava.

Floor it, Ava.

Floor it for the beach.

We ran. We ran to the beach.

We thought we got rid of them.

Oh, boys, could you help me, please?

I really can't see the rails
with this light.

Do you know the eyes are the first to go.

This is a nice banister.

No, no, no, lady. Not a rail.

Oh, Lord, don't take me now.

Make sure she's safe, Charlie.

You're good.

You're good.

Thanks for giving me a hand.

Bye, boys.

You're welcome.

You're welcome.

That's a sweet old lady, huh.

Yeah. Yeah.

Well, she didn't grab your dick
so shut the hell up.

Are you going to stay mad at me all night?

Or are we going to put
this thing to good use?

It's not very funny.
She almost ripped our dicks off.

I wasn't trying to be funny.

-I was trying to be practical.
-All right.

But if you don't want to make love,
then maybe we can use it as a hat rack.

Or shoes.

Maybe a little ring toss.

Enough with the dick jokes.

Let's do it right.

Oh, my God, what's with all the racket?

Hey, everybody.

Good morning.

Today you are in for a special treat.

I am making my famous smiley face
whipped cream candied pancakes

with hot maple syrup.

How big of a stack can you take?

After last night's little dick experiment,
or shall I say big dick experiment,

we're never eating anything
you guys make ever again.

Yeah, you poked fun at us
for the last time.

Fine.

More for us.

I don't know about you, guys,

but all that dancing last night
really worked up my appetite.

I'll take a double stack.

-Pancake me.
-Coming right up.

Yeah, I'd hate to see
all that food go to waste.

I think I'll have a couple of stacks
as well.

-Of course, you will.
-I will.

I'll show you how to eat.

We'll use the same plate.

No, we will not.

-That's okay.
-Too late.

Oh, darling.

Was it something you ate?

Or...

Oh, God, I feel awful.

Well, not to butt in
but I'm assuming you're sexually active.

It's not like I sleep around.

Well, is your period late?

Or missing in action?

You don't think it's...

I just think you might want
to try one of these.

You know how to?

I've never had to before
if that's what you're asking.

Instructions are on the packet.

Let me know if I can do anything.

Thank you.

Benefit Party This Weekend

Hey, this is Andy West.

Sorry I can't take your call.

Please leave me your info.

I'll call you back. Ciao.

You going through something right now.
You at a turning point?

Hey.

-Goodbye, Joe.
-Bye, honey.

-Call me from Paris.
-Oh, I will.

-Promise?
-Yes.

Okay. All right.

Have a safe flight, honey.

Bye-bye.

Damn.

I guess you can say
I'm at a turning point.

You must be Joe the lifeguard.

Johnny, right?

Yeah. How'd you know that?

Nice to meet you.

Oh, you know,
I read up on all the winners.

I like to know who's on my beach.

So what's going on?

I'm not sure.

I mean, everything's happening so fast,

and more different than I've ever,
I would have ever expected.

Well then you're just like everybody else.

Well, I mean you're from around here.

Do people just come up
to you on the beach

and, you know, give you a chance
to get into the movies and TV?

Is it a guy or a girl?

It was a guy.

Did he touch your penis
with any part of his body?

Oh, no. Absolutely not.

I just wanted to get that out of the way.

That's good. Listen.

I guess it happens. You know, sometimes.

And if that business is something
that you're interested in,

then I think you should go do it.

-Thank you, Joe.
-Hey, you're welcome.

-Hey, good luck with that.
-Thank you.

Let me know what happens.

It wasn't supposed to be like this.

And it happened so long ago.

And he wasn't the one.

Well he must have been good for something.

What?

I don't think that's
what we need right now.

And the worst part is things were going
so great with Vincent.

He would have been
that one in a million guy,

and when I tell him
it will ruin everything.

Maybe don't tell him?

You could make it like your little secret.

Like I could never be
that immoral or unethical.

I could never do that to a guy
that I care about.

What are you going to do about the baby?

I could never be that person either.

I'm a modern girl, but...

You don't have to justify yourself
to anybody.

Just do what's good for you.

Maybe what you and Vincent have
is strong enough.

No, it's not.

I can't. I can't do it to him. I can't.

I...

What she needs is time.

Hey, Johnny.

Hey, Lola.

Nice suit.

Thank you.

So I'm about to get in the hot tub.

Would you care to join me?

I guess so.

I don't want to twist your arm.

Sorry. Don't take it the wrong way,

but I guess not a lot of us
are having the greatest day.

What have you heard?

Nothing. I've heard nothing from nobody.

That's the problem.

So come on in.

I don't usually go for the jock type,

but I think in your situation
I'll make an exception.

Aren't you a sweetheart.

You know, I'm not just some
highly successful college athlete.

I have hopes and feelings and dreams too.

And even a degree.

What exactly did you study?

Well I was a phys ed major,

and then one day I had a moment
of clarity you could say,

as I was walking by the theater building.

Changes around a little bit.

I thought you didn't go for the hunk type.

Like I said,
I'm willing to make an exception.

You didn't put anything in the water,
did you?

I mean, after the last couple
of times I gotta ask.

Nope. Just me.

All right.

So, a horse walks into a bar
and the bartender says,

"Why the long face?"

Get it?

Yeah, I guess I needed that.

I guess I'm just at a crossroads
right now.

Where I'm from it's flat land as far
as the eye could see in every direction.

I've never even seen the ocean
before till a week ago.

And now I'm swimming in it.

Just a few days ago,

a complete stranger walked up to me
and gave me a chance to live my dreams.

And how often does that happen?

Of course he hasn't called
or done shit since then but...

I could already see that it's a much
bigger world than I ever thought.

A lot more choices than I ever imagined.

I think I'm going to move here.

Pretty impulsive wouldn't you say?

Maybe, but I don't have anything
tying me down back home.

I'm already here now.

I don't know what to say.

Don't say anything if you don't want to.

I'm sorry. I've always wanted to do that.

Jenna.

Hey, Jenna.

You sure made yourself hard to find.

And you found me anyway.

What does that say?

It says a lot, actually.

I have been kind of avoiding you,
and we need to talk.

This is all moving way too fast for me,
and I can't...

It needs to stop.

Okay.

We're moving too fast.

I mean, okay, so we slow down.

I'm okay with that. We can just...

No. No, you're not understanding me.

I don't want to slow it down. I need...

I think I made a huge mistake,
and I need to break it off.

I...

In fact, I don't think
I'm going to be here tomorrow.

-I'm leaving.
-What?

No. You can't leave.

If you leave it's over for us.

It's over for everybody.

Everybody in the house.
Do you really want to do that?

You can't be serious.

We have a great thing going, you and I.

Right?

I built my world around you.

I can't just let you out of my life now.

Goodbye, Vincent.

I hope I never see your face again.

I know where I'm not wanted.

I'm just going to leave.

No. You stay.

I'm gonna go.

You know your not so secret admirer
is back again.

Yeah, I know.

It's kinda cute.

Aren't you just a little charmed
by his show of affection?

What do you want me to do?

Give him a pity
'cause he's holding a candle?

No one's ever held a candle for me before.

Well, if you think it's so sweet,

why don't you go give him
a pity blow job for the both of us.

However, if I did do it,

it would be the blow job he'd jack off to
for the rest of his life.

I would be on his mental wall of shame.

The nasty girl who swallowed
his whole load at the crazy beach house.

He'd remember me forever.

Sorry, Charlie, not going to happen.

Hi.

I'll be back later.

-Have fun.
-I plan to.

-Hi.
-Hey.

What are you doing here?

I came to pick you up.

Want to go to the beach?

I mean, yeah.

-Okay.
-Let's go.

Okay.

Hey, pull up a chair.

Could you use a beer?

Yeah.

I could use one. Thank you.

So what's happening?

My plan's going to death.

You know Jenna's thinking
about leaving tomorrow.

Any idea why?

No? What's the deal, man?

I mean I could get Lola to talk to her,
but what's going on?

Jenna.

You want to come down from up there?

Look.

We both know that your being up there

isn't going to solve
anything in your life.

So come down or I'm coming up.

You're a really nice lady,

and I appreciate you coming
all the way out here in the dark

where I didn't think
anyone would find me.

For the second time this week.

But just because you did find me,
doesn't mean that you know me.

You don't know me at all.

And you don't know anything
about what my life has been like.

All right. That's it. I'm coming up.

Look, I know you well enough
to know that you love children.

You wouldn't do anything
to endanger a child's life.

I was just thinking things over.

I broke it off with Vincent.

And I don't you're going to like it,

but I don't think I can
stay here any longer.

I don't know how much
more fun I could take.

It happens.

Hey, you don't have to make
any decisions tonight.

Why don't you sleep on it?

Look who it is.

May I?

Yeah. Sure.

To love.

Fuck you.

What happened to you guys?

I thought you guys
were on top of the world.

What happened?

How the hell do you do that?

Can I get another, brother?

Hey, yeah.

If you really want one.

Trouper.

He's killing it.

Have you seen this shit before?

I've never seen anything like that before.

Dude, why are you doing that?

Doing what?

Drinking like that.

I hate beer.

I hate the taste of it.

I hate the smell of it.

I hate the texture.

It's the only way I could keep it down.

It's a pledge trick I learned
at a college fraternity.

A trick that you learned at a fraternity.

You don't even look
like a frat guy at all.

It turns out I wasn't.

I put up with their nonsense.

And they blackballed me
on the first round.

Said I didn't fit the mold.

The only thing I did get out of those guys
was that stupid trick.

And a different sense of who I was.

And wasn't.

Well, let's change that.

New business.

This meeting of the brotherhood
is now in session.

I nominate Charlie as the new president.

All in favor, say eye.

-Aye.
-Aye.

It's unanimous.

Charlie is the new president
of the brotherhood.

Speech. Speech. Speech.

Beverage first.

And then speech.

I would like to thank the brotherhood
for recognizing my leadership potential.

I also want to say that this honor
may be the nicest thing

that anyone's ever done for me.

To brotherhood.

-Brotherhood.
-Brotherhood.

Shit. Do you think he's all right?

Yeah.

I think the grass cushioned his fall.

You know, that's probably
the best he's ever been.

Well, that's a nice gesture.

Oh, God, this fucker's heavy.

You know what, dude?

You're a pretty decent guy.

The brotherhood never leaves a man behind.

All right, Charlie.

Time for bed.

Today is a big day.

And tonight's the big night.

Party!

Later, after yoga, we need to go make
sure everything's going smoothly

for the benefit party.

And I want to call the vet
and check on little Stanley.

Actually today we have
a bigger problem than that.

Jenna has broken things off
with Vincent...

OMG, but they're so good together.

Last night at the beach she was talking
about going home early.

And if she leaves the beach house
then you all have to go home.

We can't let her leave like this.

It ruins it for her
and for the rest of us.

I can't stop her.

Only you guys can.
And you might not have a lot of time.

I know your mind's already
made up on this, but can we talk?

I have made up my mind,

and I don't think there's much
you could say to make me change it.

Well that's what friends are for.

You and Vincent made such
a powerful connection.

Don't you think you at least
owe it to him to tell the truth?

I love him so much,
but I can't do that to him.

He's got his whole life planned out.

It's not fair.

You've got to admit,
so much has already happened this week.

So many good things.

And we don't want to lose that.
We don't want to lose you.

We're just trying to keep you from making

what could be the biggest
mistake of your life.

In case you missed it,
it's already happened.

I mean this is me, trying to deal
with the consequences of it all.

There's not always one right answer.

Sit down.

I'll make you some tea.

You don't make a decision

that's going to affect the rest
of your life in the heat of the moment.

Every decision we make sets
into motion a powerful chain of events.

Everything you've ever done,

and a lot of what you will do,
is based on these decisions.

And all of them lead
to different possible outcomes.

So I need to choose.

You don't just have to choose.

You have to choose wisely.

What do you think
he would do if you told him?

What?

Hi, lover. I'm pregnant. It's not yours.

Still want to get married
and live the rest of our lives together?

I can't do that to him.

He made a commitment to you.

Doesn't he even deserve a chance
to be a part of that?

Good morning.

Hope I'm not interrupting.

No, we're just...

Nice PJs.

Thanks, I guess.

Look, I've got to be honest.

I was standing in the hall.

Were you spying on us again?

No. No, no, I didn't mean to.

I got up to take a big piss.

-WTMIA.
-WTF.

Way too much information again.

And.

Well, I heard it all I guess.

Well then, come here.

You're just going to have
to be one of the girls.

And we'll swear you to secrecy.

I'm only with the secrecy
but do I need to be one of the girls?

Yes.

It's a sisterhood.

Swear it.

So I'm a brother and a sister?

Just promise you won't
say anything to anyone.

I promise.

Okay.

Now go pee.

Mind if I join you?

Please.

So what brings you all the way out here?

I come out here every day if I can.

There's something just so magical
about the ocean.

If you let yourself feel it,
it can heal you.

I'm trying to decide what I feel.

I'm proud of you, you know.

I'm just trying to do the right thing.

You didn't have to tell us you were there.

I thought about not doing the right thing.

But I couldn't.

You remind me a lot
of someone I used to know.

Who was it?

My guy.

So where is he?

He was a career soldier, an officer.

He didn't make it back from Afghanistan.

I'm so sorry.

You know I loved him because he stood up
for what he believed in.

I see a little bit of that in you.

You know, you're a good guy, Charlie.

You didn't deserve to be treated
the way Maggie treated you.

It's confusing because I wanted her,

and now I feel sorry for her.

You know,

I guess for her anyway, I'm not the one.

Well maybe you are the one.

Just like you said, not for her.

Do you want to finish
what you were thinking about

that first night at the hot tub?

Does she want me
to jerk off on the drapes?

Look, you are an amazing person.

You have no idea what he's going to say.

Don't you think you
should give him a chance?

You don't know how hard it could be.

I mean, my parents never got married.

I was a so-called love child,

but there was never any love
around in my early life.

They didn't stay together.

I don't even think I saw my dad
any time after I was five.

I guess you could say
I'm a little sensitive.

I had no idea.

Yeah, it's not like I walk around
with a sign around my neck.

Well.

Unless you read through the lines.

And the sign says,
"Beautiful, intelligent, caring woman"

"with a painful childhood spends her life"

"taking care of other people's
issue kids,"

"hoping that the man of her dreams
will walk through the door."

And when he does
and it's not exactly perfect,

she throws it all away.

She chickens out on her own happiness.

-Nice moves.
-Thanks.

You should take that on
"So You Think You Could Dance."

You think?

And what would you do, Miss Never Really
Been There, Never Really Done That.

Just drag him to the altar
and try to convince him that it's his?

Yeah, probably. Sounds like me.

The woman I've come to know

would want to give her baby
the chance that she didn't quite get.

Two people, two parents
who love her and care for her

and want to raise a family with her.

I mean, don't you think you at least
owe it to him to tell him the truth

and let him make
that decision on his own?

I feel that's what you'd want
someone to do for you.

Thank everybody for coming tonight.

We're Nylon Pink.

Could we please have Lola and Maggie
come join us on the stage?

Hi, guys.

Hi, everybody.

What's up?

Welcome to the Heal Our
Seal Benefit Party.

Thank you all so much for coming
for a great cause.

Also I'd like to welcome Miss Maureen
who knows everyone.

Also I'd like to thank Big Guy

and the staff and crew here at the party.

They are awesome.

Everyone, please welcome
humanitarian and veterinarian

the man who is actually
healing our seal, Dr Spencer.

Thanks, guys.

Unfortunately,
Stanley couldn't make it tonight,

but he did send this as a token
of his appreciation.

All right.

Everyone enjoy your night,

and the band is Nylon Pink
and let's get it on!

Johnny, Johnny.

I've been looking everywhere for you.

Where have you been the past three days?

You could have just called me back.

No, bro. I couldn't.
My phone fell in the toilet.

I lost all of my contacts.

I was on the phone with the company.
It was a nightmare, man.

I am seriously so glad I ran into you.

Charlie. This is Andy West.
Andy West, Charlie.

Charlie. Andy West Coast, man.
Nice to meet you.

All right.

Johnny.
Seriously, man, I am glad I ran into you.

Remember how I had you wear
that white shirt?

Well I had my photographer come,
took some pictures of you.

They were great!

I got you an audition, man.

That's amazing.
How do I get in touch with you?

No, we're going to make it easy.

I'm going to get in touch with you.
All right?

And because of the great venue hook up,
you've got to dance with me.

One time.

Excuse me, Big Guy.

The lady's with me tonight.

Every song.

All night long.

Right, Miss Maureen?

Is it true, Maureen?

You know I'll always hold
a special place for you.

But I am with this guy tonight.

So if he says every song
all night long then that's it.

Well...

...good for you, my little buddy.

Give me a five.

Enjoy your night.

See you later.

Look, just do me a favor.

Have a fun time.
I need you there tomorrow afternoon.

-Tomorrow afternoon. I'll be there.
-Yeah, man.

No joke. No joke.

Look, I don't want
to ruin your buzz, all right?

You go and have a great party.

I'll run into you in just a little bit,
all right?

-It's going to be a good night, man.
-All right, man.

Take care.

My feet down on the ground

You turn me inside out

Starting to drown

Hey, guys.

Hey, guys.

You really had us going there for a while.

Yeah, we did.

Sorry we're late.

We had a few things that we kind
of had to sort through, I guess.

But great party.

I mean it's a perfect time
for a little announcement.

-We're engaged!
-Yeah!

-Nice.
-Yeah, dude.

OMFFFG

Translation.

Oh, my fucking God, that's amazing!

I'm so happy for you.

So, we have a lot to talk about.

And we have our whole
lives to talk about it.

Do you really want to talk about it now?

You know you spend a lot of time putting
that thing in other people's faces.

It's okay to get intimate.

And easier without a camera in your hand.

There you go.

My lipstick looks cute on you.

I like your laugh.

Besides you being all gorgeous and all,

just drop dead beautiful,

-you're genuine too.
-Thank you.

Caring and selfless.

It's very hard to find.

Oh, you mean the world to me.

That feels great.

That feels so good.

How'd it turn out for you?

Yeah. That would be perfect.

-Yeah?
-Yeah.

We should do it again.

Right now?

It's probably work.

Do you get the strange feeling
somebody's watching us?

Oh, don't worry about it. Ignore it.

He'll grow out of it eventually.

Have you seen Vincent?

Oh, no.

Did something happen?

No, nothing bad.
I just woke up and he was gone.

I can't find him.
I don't know where he is.

Oh well, we haven't lost one yet.

I'm sure he'll turn up.

How am I this morning?

Just frigging amazing.

Does anybody have any food?
I built up quite an appetite.

I need carbs.

Bad. Pizza. Donuts. Pancakes.

A sandwich would work actually.

Thank you. Oh, yeah.

Well, you can sleep it off on the plane.

Coffee?

Good morning, guys.

Do you know where Vincent is?

Actually yeah. You should come out here.

I think this is for you.

Can you hold this for a second?

Sorry. I'm a man now.

Is it because I farted?

Do people just come up
to you on the beach

and, you know, give you a chance
to get into movies and TV.

I mean, does it happen?

Sometimes, I guess.

Was it a guy or a girl?

It was a... It was a guy.

Did he look like that?

So you're at a turning point.

I can tell.

You think that's funny?

Yeah.

Yeah. I'm at a turning point right now.

Me too.

That guy touch your wiener?

With any part of his body?

Okay. Okay.

I see there's a lot of girls on
from Malibu.

I can't wait.

I'd better make more storage space
in this phone.

Yeah, Mom.

No, no, no.

No, I'm going to take pictures of birds.

And squirrels.

No, I didn't say girls. I said squirrels.

Yeah.

Mom.

No.

I said, "Why did Dad call me stupid?"

He said you're stupid and I'm stupid
'cause I came out of you.

I just won a trip to Malibu
and I'm gone for seven days.

I'm glad.

Can I come back, though, after seven days?

No, I doubt I'll meet anybody
to move in with.

Come on.

I know. I am stupid.

No, you're not.

Yes, you are stupid.

I hate you.

Well, no.

If I didn't have that restraining order
I'd have a job by now, wouldn't I?

Well you shouldn't have ratted on me.

Now why did you do that?

No.

You're stupid.

Mom, this is supposed to be a happy
moment for me and you're ruining it.

You're ruining it,
just like you said I ruined your life.

You're ruining it for me.

I would.

If I could I would marry a hooker.

And I'd bring her over.

And show Grandma too.

She's even dumber.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say that.

You just make me say
things that I don't mean.

I mean I do mean them, but not
in the context that I'm saying them in.

You know what?
I'm going to make a suicide video, Mom.

Hi, guys.

I know you may think this is joke,
but no, I'm leaving.

And I might not come back.

Well it says seven days,

but if I find a better place
to stay I'll stay there.

It might be hell.

Oh, yeah.
I'm already living in hell, Mom,

with you!