All language subtitles for S.o.b. (1981)

Excuse me, Mr. Farmer,
but John John wants his ball.

Excuse me, sir.

I made some coffee
and left a sweet roll in the oven.

I talked with Dr. Alfasa.

She doesn't think you should
see the children for a while...

...especially John John...

...until they get used to the idea.

Felix!

I'm leaving the Cadillac.

- I'm no dog!
- They're waiting in the car.

You snap your fingers, whistle.

- I'm no dog.
- I accept that.

How about moving your pigeon toes
towards the front door?

We'll get this show on the road.

Absolutely. I wouldn't have it
any other way.

Harry Sandler.

- Did you get Felix?
- No, I'm calling your father.

- Give him my love.
- What?

- Hello?
- Harry!

Yes, Dick.

I called Bel Air and Palm Springs
but didn't get an answer.

Right.

I tried his beach number
and I got some deranged Chinaman.

You get Felix on the phone and tell him
to be at David's office at 11:00.

Right.

You tell him 11:00, or it's his ass.
And your ass, too, Harry. Got it?

Joyce sends her best.

He wants to know how you are.

How do I look?

If I told him,
he'd have another heart attack.

She's terrific.
Now, stop jerkin' off and call your client.

The kids' bathing suits.

I left a set of keys on your dresser.

Mr. Farmer's residence. Harry Sandler.

I'm afraid Mr. Farmer is out to lunch.

I'm coming!

'Bye, Daddy!

Harry says it's a matter of life and death.

Please, be quiet.

Mommy, why can't Daddy come with us?

Because Mommy is having a very bad day.

A fire in downtown Los Angeles
this morning destroyed the Oak Hotel.

Luckily, no injuries.

The damage is estimated at $1.5 million.

Now, here's Tammy Taylor
with her exclusive report from Hollywood.

Night Wind opened in 800 theatres
to unanimously bad reviews...

... and in spite of a mammoth
advertising campaign...

... in the first week,
has grossed less money...

... than any film
in the history of Capitol Studios.

I have it on good authority
that Capitol's president, David Blackman...

... is considering
calling in all the prints.

- Can't someone find him?
- I've been on the phone all morning.

What about Sandler?

I told him it was his ass
if Felix wasn't here at 11:00.

- What did the lawyers say?
- lf you cut the film, he can sue.

Then, what's the answer?

Scare the hell out of him,
then give him your ideas.

- Ideas? It's a piece of shit.
- Absolutely.

That's one thing I'm proud of.
I'm a damn good cutter.

- You sure are.
- The best.

I ran the film twice last night.

The cutter agrees
with most of your suggestions.

- But will he say so to Felix?
- I think so.

- He's been with Felix for 15 years.
- He wants to direct.

- That's all I need. Another director.
- Speaking of directors...

What about Culley?

What about Culley, for Christ's sake?

He's shacked up with some 16-year-old girl
and a case of Jack Daniels.

He has a six-picture deal, pay or play.
What does he care?

I had a lengthy conversation
with him last night.

I told him that J.G. was so worried
he was considering selling the studio.

Knowing J.G., that's not so far-fetched.

Evidently, Culley didn't think so either.

- Obviously.
- What do you mean? Where is he?

Right outside.

All right, check on Sandler.

Send Culley in.

- Harry Sandler, this is Dick Benson.
- Gentlemen.

I want to recut Night Wind,
but Felix has an ironclad contract.

That's never stopped you before.

All right, no smart-ass stuff, Culley.
J.G. called six times last night.

If we don't do something quick,
all hell's going to break loose.

Harry!

It's 10:00 in the morning.
Where could he be having lunch?

I don't think you grasp
the seriousness of this situation.

- All right, hang up.
- He's not home, he's having lunch.

I want you to get Felix to agree
to recut the film.

Tell him you've got some good ideas.

Put out a story
that we're recalling all the prints...

...and Culley is going to make
some drastic changes to the picture.

- I've got to call in to J.G. at 6:00.
- Give him my regards.

Unless you have something that can't wait
till the 3:00 meeting, thank you.

- Hello.
- Did I wake you up?

Hi, darling.

No, you didn't wake me up.

Ready when you are.

It's a wonder.
You really wore me out last night.

You were fantastic.

You were pretty fantastic yourself.

Listen, I like your suggestion.

Sam Marshall and you
make good chemistry.

And he's right for the part.

- What did you say?
- Nothing.

That's great.

- Then we got a date?
- So, I'll see you tonight?

- I miss you.
- Yeah.

- 'Bye.
- 'Bye, darling.

You son of a bitch.

Well, he liked my suggestion.

He thinks you'll be great for the part.

Hi.

Ladies.

What a great car you have.

- Where are you headed?
- That depends.

Where are you headed?

You're late, Ben.

I know that, dear boy.

- What's up?
- They're all waiting in the study.

- You didn't answer my question, dear boy.
- That's because I'm not your dear boy.

Once we file for divorce,
it's a matter of public record.

Polly Reed's nose is in the wind.

- My secretary's saying I'm in Palm Springs.
- I have to say something.

You could not have picked a worse time.

As your press agent, I agree.

But it wouldn't be good
if Night Wind was a hit.

Like it or not, you're the first
to admit it. You have an image.

They have newspapers to sell.

Imagine what they'll say
once they've written the nice things.

You know this town, sweetie.

You can smoke dope and end up
going steady with your Afghan...

...and you're one of the gang.

But you, you're Peter Pan.

Night Wind is a fact.
We have to show it wasn't your fault.

Anybody can fail, even Sally Miles.

- No! That was Felix's responsibility.
- I didn't mean...

But, sweetie, you walk out on him now
and your friggin' fans will hate your guts.

- The ones who criticized your marriage.
- Those snakes will be the first.

Not even a legal separation?

- Absolutely not.
- Shit, no!

Are you out of your mind?

Damn.

Sorry.

That water is cold.

Take it easy, ladies,
while I check things out.

Gary?

Felix?

Sally?

Anybody home?

Good morning.

Culley, there was a man out there
with a rat, and he put it in our...

Good morning.

It's not such a good idea
to sit in here with the motor running.

I better turn off the ignition.

Oh, my God!

Sorry, Culley just called.
Felix tried to kill himself.

Just thought you'd like to know.

I can be reached at that number
or this one here.

Okay. I think that about covers it.
I appreciate you calling.

- Thank you very much.
- Nothing.

Can I borrow a bathing suit?

There must be some spares
in the upstairs dressing room.

If I can't find anything,
what are the laws on nude sunbathing?

- I'd have to come back and arrest you.
- Bet I could talk you out of it.

Bet she could, too.

I may drop back later
and check on Mr. Farmer. Let's go!

Do that. And, Phil, there's liable to be
some reporters nosing around.

The only person who likes reporters
less than me is the chief.

They stick their noses in the wrong place,
they get stepped on.

Tell Mr. Farmer if he ever does a movie
about the cops...

...l've got a lot of stories.

- I'll tell him.
- None of that Serpico crap, the real cops.

- See you later, Mr. Culley.
- Okay.

I don't believe it.

The traffic is jammed up
all the way to Topanga.

It took me an hour and a half to get here.

- How is he?
- Compared to what?

Come on. Gary called and said that Felix...

I told Gary to tell Sally
not to take an ad out in Variety.

- Lila, this is Ben.
- Nice to meet you.

Gary was just doing his job.

Maybe Felix did try to kill himself,
but Sally will suffer!

- I couldn't find a bathing suit.
- Babs, Ben.

Nice knowing you.

I'd like to nude sunbathe,
but I might get busted.

Darling, you already are busted.

- You think it's all right?
- I think it's a wonderful idea.

Great.

Here goes nothing.

If that's her idea of nothing,
can you imagine her concept of something?

Culley, you're a dirty old man.

- Hi, Doc. How is he?
- Hi, Ben.

How is he?

Why is it nobody ever asks
how the doctor is first?

Did it ever occur to you
that I could be sicker than the patient?

Irving, I'm sorry.

Felix will survive.

But for all you know, I might be terminal.

Thank God I'm not a surgeon.

- Can you wait till I mix you a drink?
- Barely.

Please! Felix is going to be all right,
isn't he?

He'll be fine.

- I'm not so sure about you.
- What's wrong?

You look like 180 pounds
of condemned veal.

- Let me give you a vitamin shot.
- No, thank you.

You never know. It might help.

Why should I give you a vitamin shot?
I'm the one with the hangover.

- Hi, hon, it's me. Any messages?
- B12.

- I don't want to talk to her.
- B complex.

- FYI only, I'm at Farmer's.
- Crude liver.

Okay. Hold on.

And a generous jolt of adrenal cortex...

...chased by a bloody mary.

I thought that was a chaser.

Where would Salk or Pasteur
be if they hadn't taken chances?

You must help me
with my story for the press.

Say you'll only be in the hospital
two months.

Fuck off, will you? Forgive me.

You want a drink?

In order to inject this properly,
I have to expose my gluteus maximus.

Want me to do it for you?

- Are you, perchance, a nurse?
- No. I used to be a junkie.

Would it endanger your amateur standing
if I ask you to use a sterilized needle?

You're the doctor.

That's the nicest thing
anyone has said to me all week.

Hello? Who is this?

Hello, Harry.

No, Culley. Yeah.

- No, it was just an accident.
- Jesus, it's all over town!

He put it in low instead of reverse...

...went through the garage wall
and into the ocean.

Tell the world.

Yeah, damn lucky.

It's just one of those ridiculous things.
Here he is now!

Felix! Thank God! We got our speech.

- Harry wants to know how you're feeling.
- I know you didn't try to take your life.

Did you hear that?
He said, "I never felt better in my life."

But you know how they can blow
a thing like this out of proportion.

Imagine what would happen
if Polly Reed got her hands on this.

We've got to sit down and
get our stories straight. Let me handle it.

Felix, are you listening to me?

I want to play it down.
It was a freak accident.

Domestic problems. No, wait.

Tell the studio the doctor wants him
to stay in bed for a day or two.

No, I said I should stay in bed
for a day or two.

He should go out, play golf,
get some exercise.

I know it's been a bad couple of days,
and I won't kid you, you look awful.

The sooner we settle this,
the sooner you'll get some rest.

No, Harry. I haven't said anything to him.

They just pulled him out of
the Pacific Ocean, for Christ's sake.

Either come out here
and take care of it yourself...

...or butt out and let me handle it.

- He won't even talk to me.
- I promise you.

You'll be the first one to know.
Now, take it easy. Goodbye.

That's a nervous Jew.

That's not a nervous Jew.
This is a nervous Jew.

- You don't look nervous.
- lf you don't stop it...

Don't get sore.
Some of my best friends are nervous.

You've got to talk to him.

Tell him, in 10 minutes that doorbell
will ring and all hell will break loose.

- See who it is, Lila.
- But don't let them in.

I'd like to see Felix.

- Felix who?
- Farmer.

This is the Farmer house, isn't it?

I'll have to ask. Wait a minute.

- It's a woman. Gave me the creeps.
- Describe her.

- Bleach blonde, a lot of makeup...
- It's Polly.

- She says she wants to see Felix.
- What are we going to do, Culley?

The back door.

I remember this scene in The Thing.

- There was this horrible monster on...
- Will you shut up?

Hi, Polly.

Amazing coincidence.
I was just talking about you.

Were you really, Irving?

Hello, Culley. Ben.

I hear that Felix tried to commit suicide.

You heard that Felix...
Felix tried to commit suicide.

Ridiculous.

He fell on her?

They've taken her
to the Santa Monica Hospital.

How could he fall on her?

He was trying to hang himself.

- How is he?
- He's okay.

Polly might have a fractured pelvis
and a broken leg.

Send flowers.

He fell on her.

Let's get something to eat.

Okay.

- What a cute dog.
- Yeah.

Okay, Felix.

Attaboy.

Felix.

For the last 40 years
I've lived a life of dedicated debauchery.

I've consumed enough booze
to destroy a dozen healthy livers.

I've filled my lungs with enough nicotine...

...to poison the entire population
of Orange County.

I've indulged in sexual excesses
that would make Caligula...

...look like a celibate monk.

I have, in fact, conscientiously,
day in and day out...

...for more years than you've been
in this best of all possible worlds...

...tried to kill myself,
and I've never felt better in my life.

If you're really going to end it all...

...I can show you
a half dozen great ways to do it.

- What did you give him?
- A pinch of this, a dash of that.

Sometimes referred to in the trade
as a Sleeping Beauty boilermaker.

Take no notice if he begins to levitate.
It's a common side effect.

Culley.

Yeah?

I'm starved. What do I do about dinner?

What do you normally do about dinner?

Eat.

- Why should tonight be any different?
- And we're out of vodka.

Jesus, Irving, I just opened a new fifth.

Then it's only fair that I open the next.

I'll get it.

Hello?

Yeah. Just a minute. It's for you.

This is Dr. Finegarten.

- Where's Culley?
- Upstairs.

God.

Okay, put her through.

- I just got back from the hospital.
- Watch the hole. How is Polly?

Broken arm, fractured pelvis...

...screaming her lungs out at everybody,
reporters all over the place.

Felix?

- What's the matter with him?
- Dr. Finegarten's magic needle.

I've seen week-old corpses
that look healthier.

But not happier.

Felix!

Believe me, Mrs. Zukerman,
there's nothing serious.

Come on, Lila. I'll take you to the market.

I'll get my roller skates.

Just keep taking the medicine.

Tomato juice.

- And lots of water.
- Doc.

Excellent. And no spicy foods.

No, that's spicy, Mrs. Zukerman.

In a couple of days,
if it isn't better you drop in the office.

Right.

Goodbye, Mrs. Zukerman.

- I have got to talk to Felix right now.
- Go ahead.

What? He doesn't even know
I'm in the same room.

If you want answers,
you better wait about nine hours.

Nine hours?

Farmer residence. Who's calling?

- It's David Blackman.
- Say hello.

This is Ben Coogan.
Maybe I can help, Mr. Blackman.

Join me in one of these little pink pills?

It's David Blackman.
Don't you understand?

Yes, sir, Mr. Blackman.
This is Ben Coogan. Yes, sir.

Listen, Ben. I need straight information.
We're getting all kinds of stories here.

Right now, he's heavily sedated, sir.

Dr. Irving Finegarten.

If he doesn't remember me,
mention his first clap.

- God, I'm going to kill you one day.
- I didn't give it to him. I cured him.

I'm afraid so, sir.

All right. Keep in touch.

A Hollywood gossip columnist
was seriously injured today...

... while visiting the Malibu home
of film producer Felix Farmer.

According to reporters, Mr. Farmer
fell from his second-story bedroom...

... and landed on Miss Reed who
was then rushed to the Malibu Hospital.

She's reported to be
in satisfactory condition.

Satisfactory, shit.

Farmer was involved in a bizarre accident.

Hi.

... crashed through his garage
and sank into the Malibu surf.

How do you feel?

How do I feel?

Jesus, in the 14 years we've been married
you've asked some stupid questions...

...but, "How do I feel?"
really takes the friggin' cake.

- It was just in a hospital-type question.
- Then you're a hospital-type moron.

How do I feel?
Look at me. I feel marvelous.

I thought, maybe after dinner
we'd go dancing.

Where is that friggin' nurse?

I dropped by the farmers' market
and got you some fudge.

I'm surprised it wasn't a trampoline.

I'm in a lot of pain
and I want another shot.

I'm sorry, Miss Reed, but I can't
give you another shot until 9:00.

That's two hours!

- I'm sorry, but the doctor...
- I'm in agony and you're sorry.

- Honey...
- Shut up, Willard. You listen to me.

Phone the doctor now
and tell him I need something...

...for my pain, right now,
because I'm in agony.

You better call him.

- Who are you?
- That is the Marquis de Sade.

He has nothing to say about it.

You damn well better listen
to what I'm telling you.

- I'll see what I can do.
- You'll do more than just see, missy.

You do, see?

Willard...

...I feel just terrible.

I just hate being in this awful hospital.

- It'll be all right, sweetheart.
- No, it won't.

- Sure it will.
- No, it won't.

You're not making matters any better...

...just hanging around here
making me nervous.

I foolishly thought that
I might be able to help.

You want to help?

Run down to Malibu. Drop in on Felix.

See what the hell is going on.

- What, you mean now?
- No. Next month. Of course, now.

My God.

A simple little favor, you'd think
I was asking for the friggin' moon.

Do you want me to telephone you
or drop back by?

Whatever.

Ciao.

Ciao.

- Do I get my shot?
- Yes.

Then, thank heaven.
Hurry up, for Christ's sake.

Come on, Jesus.

Culley?

I just saw Sam Marshall.

- How is he?
- Do you know him?

Oh, my God, here he comes.

Hey, Culley.

Sam, how are you?

- Are you living on the beach now?
- No, just visiting.

Why don't you drop by the house?
I'm having a little birthday party.

Congratulations.

Thank you, but it's not mine.

Whose is it?

I don't know.
It has to be somebody's, right?

So, you're invited.

I'd like to, but... Hey, I've got an idea.

- You know Felix Farmer, don't you?
- We're practically neighbors.

He's kind of down in the dumps.
He needs cheering up.

If Mohammed can't go to the party,
then the party will go to Mohammed.

You never know, it might be his birthday.

Are you having problems, darlin'?

- Lila, Sam. Sam, Lila.
- Hello, Lila.

- Culley!
- It's nothing. She's just a big fan.

Help me get her up.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah. Come on.

Okay. See you on the beach.

Sure.

Are you feeling better?

- So, what do you do?
- I breed armadillos.

- Do you enjoy your work?
- Not especially.

But the armadillos sure
get a kick out of it.

Is it profitable?

Only in the spiritual sense.

A wise man once said:

"Make an armadillo smile
and the world is your oyster."

At one time,
I considered breeding oysters...

...but it just didn't sound right.

- "Make an oyster smile..."
- "And the world is your armadillo."

You can see the problem.

Take this for me, will you, please?

- Why haven't you called?
- I've been trying to phone.

Your line was busy.
I even called the operator.

I want to talk to Felix right now.

Upstairs. First bedroom on the left.

Want a drink?

Hi, baby.

Not until I talk to Felix.

- Culley, what's he want here?
- He just wants to talk to Felix.

- We can't let him talk to Felix.
- Ben, go have a Scotch and Maalox.

Christ, all we need now
is for Willard to show up.

- Hello, Willard.
- Hello, Culley. Hi, Ben.

Sam is having a party and we can use
someone of your gender and wit.

- How is Felix?
- Recovering, fortunately.

- How's Polly?
- Recovering, unfortunately.

Dive in, will you?

Culley. It's for you.

- Hi, Mr. Culley.
- Gentlemen, come in.

Just got off duty. Thought we'd stop by.

Good. Nothing like a uniform
to keep an orgy organized.

- You're kidding.
- Bribe you, maybe, but kid you, never.

Your attention, everyone.

What?

Officers Buchwald and Sutherland.

- Is this a bust?
- Of course.

You've got six hours to talk them out of it.

Did you find out anything
about Sam Marshall?

He's asking $1 million
against 10 percent of the gross.

That's double what he got
on his last picture.

- His last picture was a big hit.
- It wasn't that big.

I don't even want to talk about it.

Okay.

This picture is important to me.
You can't expect me...

David, if you don't want
to talk about it, let's don't.

Telephone, Mr. Blackman.

Thank you, Tom.

- Yeah?
- He's upstairs, under heavy sedation.

That's right.

I'm going to stick around
for a while in case he comes out.

What?

Sam Marshall is having a birthday party.

Work on Marshall.
I want him for Killing Ground.

But not at $1 million against 10%.

What is the limit?

All right. Great.
I'll see what I can do. Okay?

Hello?

It's for you, Sam.

Yeah?

He gave Benson orders to work on you.

He absolutely won't go for $1 million...

...but he will settle for $750,000.

Let me give you a call in the morning.

Yeah, I miss you, too.

Goodbye.

Hello there.

I've got it.

Sex, Tony. That's the answer.

We'll give them
a $40 million pornographic...

...epic.

He's gone berserk.

He says he knows how to make
Night Wind...

...the biggest grosser
in the history of entertainment.

And he wants to meet you
at the studio right now.

The Polly Wolly Doodle set.

You cannot go to the studio at this hour.
What would David Blackman say?

- What the hell did you do?
- Listen, he's on his way now.

Why are you kissing me?

Maybe he's got something.

It could be your one chance
to recoup all the...

- My God!
- Willard.

- What happened?
- I am so sorry.

What the hell's going on there?

He's on his way. I've got to go.

What do you mean?
Goddamn it, I'm talking to you.

Why are you going? Don't go.

Don't go. Why are you going?

Don't pull on the leg.

Don't pull on my leg.

What the hell is he barking at?
Get the goddamn dog out of here.

Take it easy, Benny. The party is over.

"Lullaby and good night"

See you in a couple of days.

Get that dog out of here.

- Did you see him?
- No, I haven't seen him.

What's this all about?
What happened to you?

God, if I told you, you wouldn't believe me.

Felix?

- Where is he?
- I don't know. He said he'd be here.

Felix!

What the hell...

She remembers the song.

What does it mean?

A childhood trauma
buried deep in her unconscious.

Her dying father. Her lying mother.

The final piece of the jigsaw.
She's emancipated.

But we blew it. We didn't grab 'em. Why?

Do you know why?

I'll tell you why.

Because dying fathers and lying mothers...

...are a dime a dozen, these days.

Home and family have become
civilization's antiques...

...along with the flag...

... Sunday school, Girl Scout cookies...

... C.B. de Mille and virginity.

We gave them virtue, they want vice.

We sold them schmaltz,
they prefer sadomasochism.

Instead of the American dream...

... it should have been
the American wet dream.

We'll reshoot.

We'll make Gillian West, businesswoman,
into a nymphomaniac executive.

Packard de Haven, rugged male chauvinist
is really a transvestite.

Felix.

The dream sequence will become
erotic orgies.

- Felix.
- It is perfect.

It is a 20th century Sodom and Gomorrah...

... and in the end,
God turns Gillian into saltpeter.

- Felix, for God's sake.
- Think of it, David.

Like the phoenix rising from the ashes,
Night Wind will become...

... the greatest money-making film
in motion picture history.

Today, a $30-million flop.

Tomorrow, a $40-million
box office champion.

- $40 million?
- A month to re-write.

- Another $10 million.
- Maybe $11, no more.

You expect me to put up $11 million...

...for what is the worst
crap I have ever seen?

- Crap?
- No.

I'll tell you what you're going to do,
what you can do:

You're going to re-cut Night Wind
exactly the way I tell you to cut it.

Never.

Then, by God,
if it's the last thing I do, I'll fix it...

...so you never do another picture
in this town as long as you live.

Oh, my God. Throw him off the lot.

I'll have you arrested, maniac.

Go on, have me arrested.

I still own 150,000 shares of Capitol Films.

Next month at the annual meeting...

... we'll let the stockholders decide
who is the maniac.

You think, when the stockholders hear you
cost the company $30 million plus prints...

Me, personally?

It's your film. A Felix Farmer production.

And who okayed the script and budget?

Who's responsible
for going $12 million over budget?

I went up to your office,
put a gun to your head, and said:

"Give me $12 million
or I'll blow your brains out?"

You think I wanted to spend
the extra $12 million?

In a way, you did do that.
It's your fault we fell behind schedule.

Then why didn't you fire me?

He didn't fire you because
he's a decent human being, that's why.

Fire me, he's got no fall guy.

Felix, you're finished. You're through.

Contract or no contract...

...I am going to cut your picture
and you can go ahead and sue.

Go ahead.

Cutting won't help.

If you won't let me
reshoot it, sell it to me.

What did you say?

I'll buy Night Wind.
How much do you want?

Don't listen to him, David. He's crazy.

Yeah, but he's got the first nickel
he ever made.

- Are you serious?
- Name your price.

- What do you think?
- I don't know.

I'm telling you, he's nuts.
He's not responsible for what he's saying.

Then we have to make sure
we cash the check before they lock him up.

We've got $30 million, plus prints,
advertising and interest.

- I can raise $20 million.
- Forget it.

You can tear up my contract.

Three pictures, pay or play,
plus a gross percentage.

$20 million...

...your contact and your Capitol stock.

No, I'll only buy if I can reshoot.
My stock will just about cover that.

Goodnight, Felix.
And don't forget to turn off the lights.

$18 million, contract...

...and stock.

$16 million.

Get the lawyers.

A major studio executive
told me this morning...

... that Felix Farmer
paid Capitol Studios...

... $35 million for all
rights to Night Wind...

... starring his wife Sally.

"Smiles, " to her close friends,
isn't smiling this morning...

... probably because under
the California community property law...

... half of that $35 million is hers.

If Felix doesn't make Night Wind
a box office hit...

... poor Sally might never smile again.

This is Tammy Taylor...

"This is Tammy Taylor from Hollywood."

Open your mouth, Willard,
and I'll smear Krazy Glue on your bedpan.

- Hi.
- Hey, what's happening?

Sell it. Then get on the phone
to Geneva and dump the gold.

No, I have to have another $5 million.

Bill, no there's no time to discuss,
I have to be shooting by September 1.

We're in business. Writers.

- Who wrote Last Tango?
- Beats me.

There. My God, Culley,
neither of us knows who wrote Last Tango.

I hated it.

I never remember the names of people
that perpetrate something I hate.

But that's the trouble.
Don't you see? I hated it, too.

- In my opinion, a discretionary judgment.
- But we're wrong, Culley.

That's what they want.
That's where it's at.

It's been my experience that every time
I think I know where it's at...

...it's usually somewhere else.

You know as well as I do,
if we're going to stay in business...

...if we're to remain filmmakers
in any sense of the word...

...we must shake off
the rusty shackles of the past...

...observe the present for what it is
and the future for what it will become.

Like it or not.
Then we must make our creative comment.

Felix, as far as you know,
have I ever lied to you?

Never.

I have, once or twice.

About nothing that was too important.

But now, the fact that I have admitted
that on occasion I have lied to you...

...should convince you that
I'm a fairly honest man.

And when it comes to the crunch...

...that I can handle myself
with an acceptable degree of integrity.

- Now, do you agree?
- Wholeheartedly.

I'm going to give it to you straight,
old friend.

You think I'm crazy.

That's a little straighter than I intended.

Maybe, Culley.

I tried to kill myself four times,
hardly rational.

$16 million plus for a flop.
Every cent I have in the world.

Not what most people
would consider a very sane act.

But insane?

What if I'm right?

If my vision is valid, Culley.

Not so crazy. A more acceptable insanity.

Culley, that's all beside the point.

Sane and miserable, or insane and bursting
with creative joy and happiness.

That's the point, Culley.

In the end, who says he's sane,
therefore he should?

Or he's insane, therefore he shouldn't?

Culley, come on. Even if I'm wrong...

...and I'm not...

...I am full of fire, Culley.

I'm a blazing comet.

Comets burn out.

But, my foes and my friends,
it gives a lovely light.

Felix!

I must warn you,
my hands are lethal weapons.

So is your goddamn fountain pen.

I'd better be going.

You stay where you are, Culley.
You're a witness. You lunatic.

You maniac.

$16 million?

Half of that money is mine.

That entitles you to 50 percent
of the profits.

That entitles me to have you arrested
for grand theft, larceny...

...fraud, embezzlement...
You thieving, filching son of a bitch.

Sally Miles swears.

You're going to give me my $8 million,
or so help me...

...l'll have you locked up for
the rest of your unnatural life.

Give me my money, Felix.

Give it to me or I will kill you.

Sally Miles kills.

Shit.

Sally Miles says "shit."

Sell $100 million at the box office.

$200 million. Peter Pan is dead.

Long live Gillian West,
nymphomaniac executive.

Not since Edison, not since Griffith,
not since Jolson.

We'll make motion picture history.

A cinematic monument
to man's immorality.

A celluloid prophesy
of the holocaust to come.

"For if God spared not
the angels that sinned...

"...but cast them down to hell...

"...and delivered them
into chains of darkness...

"...to be reserved unto judgment:

"And spared not the old world...

"...but saved Noah...

"...the eighth person,
a preacher of righteousness...

"...bringing in the flood upon the world
of the ungodly."

God.

I broke you and I can make you.

It's rotten, but it's a revelation.

We failed, that we may succeed.

- We keep the basic set, Rich.
- Right.

It's still a dream, but now,
a Freudian nightmare of erotic symbolism.

Seduced in a nursery, but not voluntarily.

Not the victim of her own lust,
as she always feared...

...but the victim of a powerful aphrodisiac
slipped in her Bosco.

New lyrics, Bob. Prurient but profound.

- Felix, it's not that easy.
- Gino, new choreography.

The animals are out. I don't think
bestiality makes it, musically.

But Felix, it's such a different concept.

A different concept
for a different world, Gino.

Costumes, Agnes. Come on.

- Agnes, what about the costumes?
- It depends.

- How erotic do you really want to go?
- Go.

E-R-O-T-l-C. Go!

Sally Miles, America's G-rated darling
in the B-U-F-F?

Why not?

Darling, some of her fans
still don't think she goes to the bathroom.

If you want to dramatize the evils of
prostitution, corrupt a virgin, not a whore.

Wait. Just let me readjust my sights.

Fifteen years of nun's habits and
turtleneck bathing suits and now...

Agnes, remember your first
Academy Award, Garbo Talks?

Yes, she talked,
but she went to the bathroom, too.

You can do it, Agnes. I know you can.

Agnes.

Okay.

I can do it.

That's my girl.

What I do now? Kitchen no work.

- Fridge broke. Who fix the fridge?
- We get fridge fixie.

Fixie fridge, then we get an eye,
ear, nose and throat fixie...

...and have him cut out your tongue.

Felix had absolutely no right to do that.

Gary said, legally in any court...

With all due respect to Gary,
he's very bright...

...but he's your secretary, not your lawyer.

You mean that Felix can just go out
and spend every single cent?

I don't mean that.
You can take him to court.

You can get an injunction
against him for your money.

That'll be messy.
The press'll have a field day.

You really want to go through
something like that?

No, but I don't want
to lose $8 million, either.

Sally, suppose the things that Felix wants
you to do make sense in today's market.

Would you consider doing the film?

- You mean, forget the money?
- No, I don't mean forget the money.

Of course not forget the money.

But for the sake of this discussion,
if it wasn't for just a cheap effect...

...would you consider doing a nude scene,
or getting raped...

...or whatever the hell it is
he wants you to do?

Well, if it wasn't for cheap effect...

I don't know. What do you think?
You're my agent.

Well, dear, if I thought it was
a real ballsy part...

...and the audience would believe you in it,
I certainly would have to consider it.

But you're the first one to preach
my audience to me and my image.

I'm the last person in the world who
would monkey around with your image.

If I was certain, if I was absolutely
dead positive that you couldn't miss...

...and incidentally,
turn a flop into a success...

Sally, creative judgments
are not my department...

...but I think you've got
a few important things to consider...

...before you jump into
an $8 million lawsuit.

Now, let me see if I can get this straight.

I can sue, but at best
it would be expensive...

...it would cause a lot of bad publicity
and there's a big chance that I would lose.

On the other hand, I can do the film...

...and please, God,
if Felix is right and it's a success...

...then I would get my $8 million back,
plus half the profits?

That's the least you would get.

I think we can guarantee you
a deal better than that.

Let's say 100 percent of the profits.

I mean, what the hell is Felix going to do?

I don't know about any of this.

You just go ahead and make the best deal
you possibly can. Okay?

Then you'll do the picture?

What choice do I have?

- I'll get the car.
- All right, Bob.

You know, I'm really surprised
that she decided not to sue.

I was talking to a lawyer friend of mine
the other night.

He's with Meyers, Merton,
Miller and Galuzze.

He thought Miss Miles
had an excellent case.

She'd have no trouble at all
if she decided to sue Mr. Farmer.

Well, Gary, why don't you suggest
to Miss Miles that she discharge me...

...and get your friend to represent her?

He also mentioned that your firm
represents Capitol Films.

That must make it very hard
for you to remain impartial.

Are you suggesting that I might be inclined
to favor Capitol's interests?

- Yes.
- Herb.

- It is Gary, isn't it?
- Yes.

Tell me, have you suggested
any of these things to Sally?

- Not yet.
- Why not?

Because I wanted to know
what you had to say about it.

What if I said I thought you were
much too bright a young man...

...to just be a personal secretary?

I'd say I agree with you.

- I think you'd make a hell of an agent.
- I think I'd make a better producer.

I'm giving a little party Friday night,
David Blackman will be there.

- I'd enjoy meeting Mr. Blackman.
- I'm sure you would.

All right, 8:00. Dress casual.

- Mr. Blackman's office.
- Give me Blackman.

Yes. One minute, please.

- Yeah?
- Overseas from Mr. Minsike.

Hello, J.G.? Yes, J.G.

- Have you seen Newsweek?
- Yes, I've seen it.

Newsweek article. Yes, J.G.
It is getting a lot of publicity.

- You should get into it.
- Why should I? It's not our picture.

What do you mean, it's not our picture?

No. I told you. Outright.
Everything. You approved it.

It's worth $100 million,
maybe $200 million, who knows?

That illiterate asshole thinks
if Sally Miles does a nude scene...

...Night Wind could be a hit.

He says we should at least
make a distribution deal with Felix.

- Yeah.
- Give him a better deal.

What if he's made a deal
with another company?

Break his legs if he won't cooperate.

- Right.
- I've got too much at stake here...

I want to get a look at that new script.

That's not going to be easy.

I didn't ask you how tough it was,
just get it.

All right.

When he starts shooting,
I want you on that sound stage.

What if it's a closed set?

- I told you I want something done.
- Done.

Get on that set,
find out what he's doing and report.

- Right.
- I may want to look at his dailies.

Right.

Right.

Come on. It's okay.

Anybody got a blanket?

Hey, that's a good blanket.

You wreck that blanket,
you're going to buy me a new one.

Burgess Webster is best remembered for
his outstanding performance...

... as Uncle Fudd in Mississippi Mud.

This morning,
on Stage 15 at Capitol Studio...

... the entire company of Felix Farmer's
controversial new film, Night Wind...

... observed a minute of silence
in memory of the famous actor.

Speaking of Night Wind...

... rumor has it that today
movie history will be made...

... when Sally Miles,
the silver screen's symbol of sweetness...

... sinlessness and sobriety...

... proves once and for all that
Peter Pan really is a girl.

Yes, believe it or not, America's G-rated
sweetheart, in a X-rated nude scene.

No!

Cut it.

You call that fast?
Is that what you call fast?

Get the lead out, I say. Jesus.

I could've made better time
in a covered wagon.

$10 a mile
and you can't even use the siren.

I'm telling you, if I'm late for this...

...I will have a few things to say about
your rotten service in my next column.

- Come on, let's go.
- Where do you think you're going?

We're on our way to Lourdes.
Where do you think?

You have to have a pass.

Do you know who I am?

Yeah. You're somebody
who's making a big mistake...

...if you think you're going to
get in without a pass.

It's no use. I can't do it.

I thought I could, but I just cannot.

- Sally...
- No, Culley.

- But, sweetheart...
- No, Felix.

No.

There is no way in God's earth
that I will bare my... out there.

- But, Sally...
- I thought I could.

You can.

My mind says "yes,"
but my body says "no."

- But, Sally.
- I know what it means to the film.

I know it means that I'm not being
a trooper, and things like that.

It's out of my hands. I'm helpless.

- We'll clear everybody off the stage.
- It won't help.

It's just one shot. We'll set the lights
and camera, everybody will leave.

No.

- What about the guy in the jack-in-the-box?
- We'll blindfold him. Nobody will see.

My public will see. My children will see.

It'll be R-rated.
They won't even let them in.

But they'll know.
Don't you care if they know?

God, Felix, they're your children, too.

Sophia Loren has children.
I hear she is a wonderful mother.

She would never hurt her children.

And God knows, the public has seen her...

Oh, I know.

- Ben, Culley.
- Glenda Jackson.

Glenda Jackson. A fantastic mother.

- Vanessa Redgrave.
- Never a better mother.

Somebody who's not English.

- Jane Fonda.
- Jane Fonda.

- Shirley MacLaine.
- Shirley MacLaine.

Liv Ullman!

- Liv Ullman?
- I think so.

Liv Ullman.

I don't think there's anything...

I don't want to know.
Where do we stand legally?

Here. He can't hire outside security,
but he can close the stage.

He must, at all times,
comply with the existing rules.

Wait a minute.

'Morning, Richard. How's the old prostate?

Wait a minute. Shit!

Don't you move me, you clods.

Now, you listen to me,
you penny-ante pea brain, junior G-Man.

If you know what's good for you,
you better get on that phone...

...and tell Mr. Big-shot Farmer that I said
he'd better let me on that stage...

...or I'll crucify him in 150 newspapers...

...every day for the
rest of his useless life.

- Hello, Polly.
- Irving.

You look like an anemic turtle.

You're going to let that shyster on?

I could sue you for calling me that.

A shyster is a disreputable lawyer.
I'm a quack.

You better tell Felix I'm out here.

David.

This maniac insulted me
and physically prevented me...

...from going through that door.

Okay. I'm David Blackman.

I run this studio
and I'm ordering you off the lot.

Are you going to move,
or should I move you?

You'd be making a serious mistake,
Mr. Blackman.

- What's your name?
- Harrigan. Harold P.

All right, Mr. Harrigan, Harold B.,
I'm going to remember you.

I'm going back to my office.

If you're not off this lot
by the time I get there...

...you'll never work again in this town
as long as you live.

David, wait a minute. What about me?

Just relax, Polly.
Don't go anywhere. I'll be back.

You know what that meant?

That's your ass.

Dick, what are you fooling around for?
Get him off the street.

That stings.

It takes approximately 25 seconds
for a shot to travel from stern to stem.

The time can vary two or three seconds...

...according to the heart rate,
height of the patient...

...and the amount of gluteal muscle
into which it was injected.

Also, there's the matter of drug potency
to be considered.

You should be feeling it about now.

I suggest you sit
until you get your sea legs.

- Can she work?
- Is Batman a transvestite? Who knows?

I was specifically requested to alleviate
her anxiety. Work was never mentioned.

Irving, she's got a very big scene to do.

I have to show my boobies.

What do you think, Irving?
You've seen my boobies.

Are they worth showing?

Since I can only render an evaluation
based on a completely impersonal...

...purely professional examination
of the subject, or subjects...

...I would say that in my humble opinion,
you've got a terrific pair of knockers.

- Let's get this show on the road.
- Set 'em up. Clear the stage.

No.

- You don't mind?
- No.

Easy, gal.

You've got some fast moves
for an old jock.

- You okay?
- Terrific.

You know, you are sexually notorious.

A semi-fraudulent reputation,
which I do everything I can to encourage.

Why?

Because it's the best way for an old man
to compete in a young man's world.

- Terrific. Hang in there, Culley.
- Mickey, get them ready.

- Hi, Mickey.
- Hi.

I certainly am. Right, Olie?

You certainly are.

- You're sure you're okay?
- Terrific.

Makeup. Wardrobe.

- Is she going to be all right?
- It depends what you mean by "all right."

I once cured an amateur skydiver
of acute acrophobia.

You could say he was all right
because he was able to jump.

But you could also say
he was not all right...

...because he was so stoned
he didn't open his parachute.

You know, Irving, you're a real twat.

That reminds me, Polly's outside.

- Polly.
- Reed.

- Outside?
- Trying to get inside.

Oh, my God!

Sally, we'll pick it up where
you enter the devil's mouth, okay?

Okay.

Don't blame the guard.
He was just doing his job.

I left instructions:
Nobody passes without a pass.

Did you leave instructions
that he was supposed to insult me?

Please! There's a red light.

I can't see. Pick me up.

Gently.

- Sally.
- Quiet.

Hi, Polly. Come to see my boobies?

Okay, you dirty rat...

...roll 'em.

All right, quiet now, on the bell.

And roll, please.

Speed.

Play back.

- Hello?
- Let me talk to David.

- It's for you.
- This is J.G. I'm still waiting.

- Yeah?
- What about the fucking contract?

Yes, J.G. I was just going to call you.

Yes, J.G., we're working on it.

Please, just relax.

Yeah, we're going to get it.

I promise you, we're going to get it.

We're going to get it
before the stockholders' meeting.

Yes. I guarantee it.

Right. How's the weather?

Great. Enjoy.

The contract, signed, sealed and delivered.

Chairman of one of
the country's biggest grocery chains...

...and all he can think about is the movies.

He's driving me crazy.

Hello, Eva?

- Got anything?
- David.

- You talk to her yet?
- Gary talked to her.

- When did you talk to Gary?
- I talked to him Tuesday.

I've got to know:
Is she going to sign or isn't she?

If she doesn't, it's my ass.

David, stop worrying about it.

Sweetie, I promise you.
I promise you that she's going to do it.

Yes, darling. 'Bye, sweetie.

Snake.

Chinese New Year,
everybody go San Francisco.

Not everybody, kiddo.
I no go San Francisco.

Missie Farmer no go San Francisco,
and you no go San Francisco.

Because Missie Farmer
having party Friday night.

Friday Chinese New Year.

Hello?

I Chinese.

That's what you say. Danny Kaye
cooks better Chinese food than you.

You don't even play Ping-Pong.
You probably had your eyes fixed.

I'm sorry, but kung fu's galloping gourmet
is off his litchi nut again.

Look, I told you,
something like this cannot be rushed.

One way or the other,
you'll be the first to know.

If I swing it, she'll
probably call you herself.

Thanks, Gary.

What?

You look a little tired.

I suppose I am a bit.

The studio called.
You don't have to be in makeup until 10:00.

Good.

I've been working rather hard.

Not to mention the emotional strain.

Felix says there is nothing to worry about.

I hope he's right, for your sake.

You don't think he's right, do you?

If it were your film...

...all your money...

...would you do it all yourself? I mean...

...distribute it, and advertise it?

- The whole thing?
- No.

Why not?

Because I'm by nature
a very cautious person.

I'd want absolutely the best protection
I could get for my money.

Especially if it were all my money.

I'll tell you one thing I'd do for sure:

I'd try and get good advice.

I'd pick up the phone and I'd call somebody
who knows the business.

Somebody I can trust.

Like your agent.

You're late.

I wasn't sure.

But you came.

After all we've been through,
you still want me?

Not bad, Felix.

- What? Out!
- Take it easy, Felix.

Out. You're not allowed in here. Nobody
sees my movie without my permission.

- Your movie, Felix?
- My movie. Every frame.

An ironbound contract that proves it.

Which very clearly states
I have absolute, complete control.

An hour ago,
your wife signed a distribution contract.

- Distribution contract for what?
- Night Wind.

What?

When I need your help, Culley...

- My wife?
- You better listen, pal.

My wife can't sign anything.

According to a superior court judge,
she can.

She has a right to protect her investment.

Especially since she didn't agree
to the investment.

Actually, you're getting off easy.

If she wanted to, she could have you
arrested for embezzlement.

You Judas!

- Come on.
- Get him out.

Pack up his office and get him off the lot.

- You've got one hour to do it.
- Don't press your luck, David.

They stole my film.

He broke my nose.
I'm going to sue the bastard.

You're not going to sue.
Get his nose to a doctor.

Call the lab.
Don't let that lunatic near that negative.

- Have you got a handkerchief?
- Yes.

- You're the cutter?
- Yes, sir. Ralph Himmler.

- What's the running time, Ralph?
- 163 minutes.

That's too long.
Okay, let's see what we've got...

...and what we can lose.

They stole my film!

They stole! Those Philistines!

Don't go off half-cocked.

You stole my film.

I'll steal your car.

Felix, see a lawyer, for God's sake.

Shit!

Unit 28 in pursuit of a black Lemay.
Personalized plate: CAP EXEC.

Jezebel!

- Where is she?
- Rangoon.

- Rangoon?
- Daddy.

- Hands up!
- Rangoon?

- John John, give me that.
- Which Rangoon?

She's gone to see a swami or something.

Give me that.
She's going to need more than a swami.

Don't shoot!

Hold it.

Hold it! You hit my motorcycle.
Wait a minute!

Let's go.

6L41. Advise all units possible
suspect from black Lemay...

...now driving white Rolls-Royce.

Hey.

It's me, Harrigan. Harold P.

- Harrigan. Yes.
- I just started here today.

Thanks to Mr. Culley's recommendation.

Good old Culley.

Something wrong, Mr. Farmer?

No. I'm just late
for an very important date.

Like Alice in Wonderland.

- What?
- The March Hare.

Yes, it's good to see you again, Harrigan.

Mr. Farmer. The studio just called,
and I'm afraid...

I'm a desperate man, Mr. Lipschitz.

If every reel of my negative
is not in this office in 10 minutes...

...l'm going to blow your brains out.

- Please, Mr. Farmer, don't shoot.
- Just do what I tell you, nobody gets hurt.

Harrigan, just stay where you are.

- Mr. Farmer.
- Get out of the way. He's crazy.

- Now, hold it.
- I'll shoot, Harrigan.

- For God's sake, get out of the way.
- Mr. Farmer...

- Give me that gun.
- I'm going to shoot.

He's going to shoot!

- You really don't want to do that.
- Yes, I do.

Yes, he does. You're fired, Harrigan.

Pick up your money and get out.

Come on.

- You don't understand. It's my film.
- It's his film.

- They took away my film.
- They took away his film.

No.

I'm sorry, Mr. Farmer.

It's all right, Harrigan.

This could mean another $10 million
at the box office.

Gracias, se�or.

What did you play?

Sinatra. $6 worth of Sinatra.

Bullshit.

- Bullshit?
- Bullshit.

I mean, S.O. B:
Standard Operational Bullshit.

They kill the poor, sweet son of a bitch...

...and then they give him a sendoff
like he's some kind of a saint.

She's going to sing, for Christ's sake.
Come on.

I mean, she knifes him in the back,
and then she's going to sing to him?

It's bullshit, Culley.

Probably.

It's not funny.

I guess it's not.

Or maybe it should be.

You want to step outside?

- Who are you talking to?
- Culley.

You're looking between us.

Maybe I am, but you know who I mean.

Culley. How about it?
You want to step outside?

Nope.

Come on. I want to fight you.

What for? You know I can lick you.

Right. That's why.

I'm so damned ashamed
of so many things I've done...

...and I didn't do when I should have...

...and I didn't and I did them anyway.

Darling...

I want him to beat the shit out of me
so I can feel better.

But, brother sinner...

...even though I completely understand
your need for purgation...

Do you? Do you really?

There isn't a man among us
with half a conscience...

...who doesn't keep a hair shirt
as a permanent part of his wardrobe.

What does that mean?

Can you explain it to him, Culley?

It's not easy. There are so few people
in this town with a conscience.

I'll tell you one thing...

I got a postcard from Lila and Babs.

I'm not going to that bullshit funeral.

It's...

- Hypocritical.
- It's bullshit.

What is your disposition regarding
the funeral, brother Culley?

I vote with brother Ben.

- So, what's the alternative?
- We don't go.

Not good enough. Felix deserves better
than they're going to give him.

It's up to us to see to it he gets it.

Therefore, I propose we give him
the un-deceitful...

...openhearted last honors,
which are his due.

L'Chaim.

Whatever that means.

You stay in the car.

- Who stay in the car?
- Him stay in the car.

I don't want to stay in the car.

Look, we have to be sly and stealthy
and you're too pissed.

Bullshit, I can be just as sty
and sleathy as you can.

- It's rise or fall together, Culley.
- The Three Muscatels.

All right, let's go.

Be with you in a minute.

- You can always do that.
- I have to take a pee.

- How are we going to get in?
- Knock and tell them you're dead.

That's not funny.

After a 17-hour standoff with police...

- What if there's a burglar alarm?
- Ben, stand guard, will you?

The suspects emerged unarmed
and surrendered to SWAT team members...

... without a shot being fired.

Superstar Sally Miles arrived
from Rangoon today...

... and she was accompanied by
Professor KrishnamamsaKesari.

When questioned by reporters,
the actress refused to comment...

... on her husband's tragic death.

Services for Felix Farmer will be held...

... on Stage 15 at Capitol Studios.

A family spokesman said today a record
turnout is expected to pay final tribute...

... to the late producer who was shot
by police while trying to steal...

... the negatives to his controversial film,
Night Wind last Tuesday.

It is ironic that on the eve of his funeral
his new version of Night Wind...

... opened to record business
in 800 theatres across the country.

Come on.

Culley.

Burgess Webster.

You'd think after all that time on the beach
he'd have a little more color.

Damn good actor.

You know, it's not fair.

Felix gets Stage 15
and Burgess winds up in potter's field.

At least they ought to give him
additional dying credit.

Pal, you got a wicked, witty mouth.

All the better to kiss your funny bone with.

Bingo.

"Good-night, sweet prince."

Why don't we put Burgess in Felix's box?

Brilliant. When this is over,
I'm going to ask you to marry me.

- I'd cheat on you.
- Just so long as you don't tell anybody.

Ben.

What's that?

Sounds like someone left a faucet running.

I'm peeing.

- Into what?
- My pants.

As long as you're not obliged
to hit anything...

...pee your way over here
and give us a hand.

I'd rather go wait in the car.

Look, just hang onto Felix
until we get Burgess straightened up.

All right, yeah.

- You got him?
- Yeah.

- He doesn't have any shoes on.
- He's through walking.

In order to make this thing work...

...we ought to get somebody else
in Burgess' box.

Genius.

They'll be so busy
trying to locate the missing stiff...

...that they won't notice
the old switcheroo.

- You still peeing?
- But now I've got to...

Clench. Draw up. Think about
being sodomized by a bull elephant.

Maybe you get the head this time.

Don't you have any respect for the dead?

We can raise our rates after this one.

We'll bring out a whole new catalog.

And we'll use the Farmer funeral
as a centerfold.

Done.

All right.

- Ready?
- Yeah.

Up.

Get the door, Ben.

- What's the matter with you?
- I've got stomach cramps.

Gas.

Get the door, Ben.

And the seat.

Get the seat up.

In you go, baby.

He won't bend.

He'll bend.
You just got to force him, look...

I'll push down and you pull on his ankles.
Come on, pull.

Yeah.

Boy. He'd be less conspicuous
if his eyes were open.

He'd be less conspicuous
if he was back in his box.

She left some glasses.

Genius.

Oh, my God.

All right. Get in the back with him.

Why me?

Because you smell like a boiler room urinal
and Felix is the only one who doesn't mind.

Besides that,
it'll look better if he has company.

It would be incommodious
if we got stopped for a traffic violation.

- What the hell is wrong, Culley?
- How do I know?

Ben.

Culley.

Ben.

Ben, put your arm around him.

It stalled. It happens occasionally.

Act nonchalant. Talk to him.

Read any good books lately?

Nod his head.

I think it's flooded.
We'll sit for a minute.

Okay. Let's go.

- How's your heart?
- "Nod his head." I could...

You had to do something.

I did do something. I shit my pants.

Sure you did.

They do this all the time in Ireland.

They never heard of
Polly Wolly Doodle in Ireland?

- I mean, a wake.
- Awake or asleep, perchance to dream.

I'm sorry.

Do you realize, in a
matter of a few hours...

...you have demonstrated most of
your excremental bodily functions?

I haven't sneezed.

A sneeze is expiatory, not excremental.

"Drink, that's the thing to do"

Now that you mention it...

- Did I mention it?
- The thing to do.

It is now, exactly,
by my split-to-the-second accurate...

...solid gold wristwatch
presented to me by...

...our late, great host...

To our late, great host.

A sweet soul adrift in a sea of sour grapes.

- A sea of sour grapes.
- Think about it.

Exactly 4:30.

"An' the dawn comes up like thunder"

Time to make decisions.

You're right about one thing, Doctor:

He's a sweet soul.

God, that was...

But your gesture was magnificent.

It was... because that's not Felix.

What do you mean? Who is it?

No. Not even "who."

Just something Felix walked around in.

But it's important
because it serves as a reminder...

...to those who loved what he was.

- What are we going to do with him? lt?
- I've been thinking.

A burial at sea.

Beautiful.

A burial at sea.

I don't like to be a party poop,
but I get seasick.

The last of your excremental
bodily functions.

Worthy of The Guinness Book of Records.

We shall need a Bible.

There's a whole routine
on the sea giving up its dead.

- When?
- I don't believe it specifies.

A Viking funeral.

If you'd only stop fussing.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Logan is missing.

I hope he is the only one that is missing.

Here's Logan. Where's Webster?

Here's Webster.

That's supposed to be Farmer.
Where's Farmer?

This is Duncan.

Mr. Vanderstock.

Farmer's gone. We're ruined.

The hell we are.

- What are you doing?
- Who's to know?

Let's move it.

Come on, now. Please.

Easy now.

I'll open the bar.

He bought her this boat
on their 14th wedding anniversary.

They sailed her to Catalina.

Sally flew home.

I don't think Felix has been on her
more than once or twice since then.

No wonder Sally wants a divorce.

Because he bought her a boat?

He's only been on her once or twice since.

On the boat.

I hope I can get this
son of a bitch started.

In grateful appreciation from the cast
and crew of The Pagan Plunder.

I never saw that one.

Terrible reviews. Grossed a fortune.

What if he catches something?

I'm glad we were able
to work out the deal.

I think you two will work great together.

It's a great script.

It better be great,
we're paying the son of a bitch a fortune.

Gary...

...l've got your contracts.
Be at my office at 10:00.

I don't think I'm going to be able to sing.

You've got to.
That's why everybody came.

Ladies and gentlemen,
we are gathered here today...

... to bid farewell to a great man...

... and a loving friend,
who has given us some great pictures:

Cyclone City, Dream Angel,
Hell-bent for Texas...

...Love on a Pogo Stick,
Moth and Rust, Earthrise...

...Cr�me de la Cr�me,
Tall Man from Tennessee...

...Chicken at the Wheel, Sea Dog...

...lnvasion of the Pickle People...

...Odyssey of Pain, The Pagan Plunder...

... and his last and greatest
moving picture extravaganza...

...Night Wind.

But what greater tribute than to quote...

... from the Hollywood
motion picture textuary?

Can you see that?

"Night Wind be a hurricane."

"$3 mil take in 7 city Labor weekend."

"Cap V.P. Blackman predicts...

"...$200 mil...

"...$200 mil world gross."

Are we not happy for him? Wherever he is.

And now, my dear friend and pupil.

That beautiful, famous,
and extremely talented movie star...

... who's known and loved and admired
by everyone all over the whole world.

Known professionally as Miss Sally Miles
but who, in real life...

... is actually Mrs. Felix Farmer.

And she will now sing...

... one of her husband's favorite songs.

So long, pal.