All language subtitles for Brooklyn.Nine.Nine.S01E01.HDTV.x264-LOL

This job is eating me alive.

I can't breathe anymore.

I spent all these years
trying to be the good guy,

the man in the white hat.

I'm not becoming like them.

I am them.

Hey! What are
you doing, weirdo?

I'm doing the best speech
from Donnie Brasco.

Or actually,

ten of me are doing the best
speech from Donnie Brasco.

What's up?

Get it together, man.
Okay?

So the store was hit
about two hours ago.

They took mostly tablets,
laptops, and cameras.

[Keyboard playing
'80s hip-hop beat]

[Music stops]
Sorry.

I'd like a list
of all your employees,

whoever had access
to the store.

I'd also like to apologize
for my partner.

His parents didn't give him
enough attention.

Uh, Detective...

I already solved the case.

We're looking
for three white males,

one of whom has sleeve tats
on both arms.

And how do you know that?

I had an informant
on the inside.

He's been here for years.

Watching, learning.
Waiting.

His code name?

Fuzzy Cuddle bear.

He's a nanny cam.

[Scoffs]
You got lucky.

No, I got here five minutes
before you

and figured that in
this gigantic electronics store,

there had to be at least
one working camera.

Oh! Hi, bad guys!

You did it, fuzzy.
You busted 'em.

It's time to come home.

[As fuzzy] I'm not sure
if I can.

I've been undercover so long,
I've forgotten who I am.

I have seen terrible things.

I haven't known the touch
of a woman in many moons.

All right.

Detective Santiago!

Don't walk away from me!

[Rock music]

Sync & corrections by Rafael UPD
www.Addic7ed.Com/

(Jake)
Yes, I did crack the case.

So, Santiago,
would you do the honors?

[Sighs]

(All)
Ohhh!

I hate this!

(Jake)
Ah, yeah.

I hate this.

And you're just
gonna add one.

I'm winning.

[Applause]

It's a good feeling.

It's a good feeling.
Yeah.

Enjoy it while it lasts.

I will!

JP, update
on the Morgenthau murder?

Yeah! Good news
for all you murder fans.

[Laughter]
Earlier this morning...

Someone decided
to shoot and kill

luxury food importer
Henry Morgenthau.

Body was found
by the cleaning lady,

during her interview, I deduced,
using expert Detective work,

that she had something
super gross on her chin.

[All groaning]

I think it was flan.

Charles thinks it was flan.

I think
it was butterscotch pudding.

Maybe it was just
old person gunk.

You know how old people
always have that gunk on them.

Oldie gunk.
Could be, yeah.

Anyone else?

How about we focus
on the murder

and not the old person gunk?

Crime techs are
at the scene now.

We're heading back
when they're done.

Okay, I want you on this.

It's gonna be priority one
for the new C.O.

Wait, tell us
about the new Captain.

Captain Holt
will be here soon.

He'll wanna introduce himself.
Dismissed.

Hey, Gina.

You know any scalpers?

I wanna ask Rosa to go to
the Rihanna concert with me,

but it's sold out.

Okay,
two points to make here.

First, Rihanna...

You...

And then Rihanna.

Yeah.
What's your second point?

She's got a type.

Which is really anyone
but you.

Yeah, that was
my ex-wife's type too.

Look, a Rihanna concert's
a pretty big swing, man.

- I don't know.
- She's into watching old movies.

Cool. Where would I find a place
that shows old movies?

Oh, yeah, just go
on the Internet

and search for the phrase
"I want to buy two movie tickets

for a girl
who doesn't like me."

- Great. Thank you.
- Good.

Hey, you heard anything
about the new Captain?

Uh, no, and I don't care.

I just wish Captain McGintley
never left, he was the best.

He was terrible.

You just liked him
'cause he let you do

anything you wanted.

On your marks, get set...

Go.

What the hell's going on
around here?

Fire extinguisher
roller chair derby?

Okay.

And go!

[Laughter]

Yeah!

What's your point?

If I'm ever gonna make Captain,
I need a good mentor.

I need my rabbi.

Sorry, dude...

But this new guy's gonna be
another washed-up pencil pusher

who's only concerned with...

[Robotically]
Following every rule

in the patrol guide.

Meep morp zeep.
Robot Captain Engage.

- Is that what you think?
- He-hey!

New Captain alert.
[Laughs]

You must be the new C.O.

I'm Detective Jake Peralta.
Great to meet you.

Now don't let me interrupt.

You were describing what
kind of person I'm gonna be.

I'd like you to finish.

That's not necessary.

Or I could recap
very quickly, sure.

Um, let's see.

I think I said some joke

about being
a washed-up pencil pusher.

- Now do the robot voice.
- Which...

The robot voice
you were doing

when you implied
I'm a rule-following robot.

I wanna hear it again.

Meep morp... zarp.

Robot.

- That's a terrible robot voice.
- Yep.

The next time I see you,

I'd like you
to be wearing a necktie.

Oh, actually, the last Captain
didn't care if we wore ties.

Well, your new Captain does.

And more importantly,

he cares that you follow
his direct orders.

Everyone,

I'm your new
commanding officer,

- Captain Ray Holt.
- Speech!

- That was my speech.
- Short and sweet.

- Sergeant Jeffords, a word.
- Yes, sir.

[Sighs]
I love that guy.

Same!

He's so suave.

Does anyone get
a little bit of a gay vibe?

No? Okay.

Sergeant, you were
in the 1-8 with me...

Though you were
significantly...

Fatter, sir.

They called me
"Terry Titties."

Because I had large, uh...

Titties, yes.
I remember.

I never liked
that nickname.

Though to be fair,
it was accurate.

What's this I hear about you
being on administrative leave?

A year ago, my wife and I
had twin baby girls.

Cagney and Lacey.

They have adorable
chubby cheeks.

Ever since, I kinda got
scared of getting hurt.

Lost my edge.

There was an incident
in a department store.

Hey, man, you okay?
You look a little jumpy.

I'm fine.
I'm fine.

[Clanging]

Ahhh!

[Gun clicks]

I think he's dead.

And I'm still not right.

Tell me about
your Detective squad.

[Clears throat]
Um...

Well, Scully, Hitchcock,
and Daniels.

They're pretty much
worthless,

but they make good coffee.

Copy that.

Now the good ones.

Rosa Diaz.

Tough, smart, hard to read,
and really scary.

[Grunting]

Tell me who has me
for secret santa.

No! That takes all the fun
out of it.

It's Scully.
He got you a scarf.

- I'll make him return it.
- Yes, you will.

Charles Boyle.
He's a grinder.

Not the most brilliant
Detective,

but he works harder
than anyone else.

He's not physically gifted.

Oh, man!
My muffin.

Ahh!

Oh, my head!
My muffin, my head!

And I stepped on the...
On my muffin!

And my head and my muffin.

Amy Santiago.

She's got seven brothers,

so she's always trying
to prove she's tough.

Careful.
That stuff's pretty hot.

Oh, is it? Hmm?

Who are the real-world Illuminati ?
Find out @ saveanilluminati.com

She and Peralta
have some big bet

over who gets
more arrests this year.

Ever since the bet,
their numbers have gone way up.

Tell me about Peralta.

Jacob Peralta
is my best Detective.

He likes putting away bad guys
and he loves solving puzzles.

The only puzzle
he hasn't solved

is how to grow up.

That was very well put.

I've talked a lot about Jake
in my departmentally mandated

therapy sessions.

Look, you know my history.

You know how important
this is to me.

This precinct is doing fine,

but I wanna make it
the best one in Brooklyn.

And I need your help.

Absolutely, sir.

Where do we start?

♪ What is happening?

We start with him.

Okay, so the perp came in
through the window,

left the muddy red footprint,

and apparently had sex
with the dish rack.

Shell casing found here.
Two shots.

Bang, bang.

Great work, Detective.

You get a tie.

Hey, that's mine.
You took it from my desk.

That's right, Charles.
Good solve.

- Tie for you.
- Thanks!

Now everyone be sure
to put those on

because it's impossible
to solve crimes

- unless you're wearing a tie.
- Lay off the Captain.

That man is gonna be
my rabbi.

Okay, first of all,
when you use the word "rabbi,"

you know that turns me on

and that's unfair
in the work environment.

Secondly, your rabbi
is a pain in my ass.

Yeah, he's a little
too serious.

- What do you think, Rosa?
- He seems cool.

Yeah, he seems cool.
I agree.

Looks like the perp stole
a computer, a watch,

and a Jamon Iberico ham,
valued at... what!

$6,000.

$6,000 for a ham?

Jamon Iberico is an amazing
cured ham from Spain.

They had it
at my uncle's funeral.

I gorged myself
at that funeral.

I mean, I was constipated
for three days.

Wow, that's a great story,
Charles, thank you.

[Laughing] All right,
listen up, everybody.

Better contact Captain Holt,

let him know
we got a ten-tie situation.

Speaking of ties,
where's yours, meep morp?

This is fantastic.

Captain!
Hey!

Welcome to the murder.
What are you doing here?

I like to know
what my detectives are up to.

- That okay by you?
- Yep.

Take Santiago
and knock on doors.

See if the neighbors
heard anything.

Door duty?
It's a waste of time.

Diaz and Boyle.
Check in the coroner.

Report back to me
in an hour.

- [Sighs] That went well.
- No, it didn't.

He's got like super hearing.

Hey, Rosa!
Rosa. Rosa!

Um, I just happened
to notice

that there's
an old movie festival

playing at the film forum
this week.

Wanna go?

Sure.

Cool! Awesome.

There's a bunch
of movie options.

I'll probably just go
with something classic

like Citizen Kane.

Citizen Kane is terrible.
Pick a good movie.

Good call. Smart.

I'll do it.

I'll pick a better movie
than Citizen Kane.

(Holt)
So Gina...

Civilian administrators
like yourself

often have their ear
to the ground.

What do Santiago and Peralta

have riding
on this bet of theirs?

I will tell you
on six conditions.

Number one, you let me
use your office

to practice my dance moves.

Second...
How about this?

- If you tell me...
- Mm-hmm.

I won't
have you suspended...

Without pay.

Oh, that sounds great.

Okay, the deal is
if Amy gets more arrests,

Jake has to give her
his car.

It's an old Mustang,
and it's pretty sweet.

If he gets more arrests,

she has to go
on a date with him.

He guarantees
it will end in sex.

I bet on at least
some over-the-clothes action.

At the very least,
some touching...

- No, that's enough, Gina.
- Caresses.

I could see him showing up
in a silk robe.

- That's enough, Gina.
- All right.

Thank you.

(Jake)
Let the wasting of time begin.

[Knock on door]

Hello, sir.

Can we ask you
a few questions?

Definitely.
Yeah.

I'm actually... I'm super glad
you guys are here right now.

Are you smelling
that weed smell?

(Both)
Yeah.

'Cause a dude broke in,

smoked weed,
and bolted.

[Laughing]
It's...

Do you think
it's the same dude

that left that bong there
on the floor?

Yes.

Police!

- Hello.
- Hello.

What's your name?

- My name?
- Mm-hmm.

- Mlepnos.
- Can you spell that, please?

M-l-e-p...

Clay.

Did you say "Clay"?

Yes, the "Clay" is silent.

All right, got it.

Have you seen this man before?
He was shot last night.

Oh. Thank you.

No, sir, that's ours.
We need that.

- We...
- And he kept it.

Wall Street journal
on the doormat...

Top floor apartment.

20 bucks says this guy's
like a hot, eligible bachelor.

I'll take that action.

Police! Open up!

Hello.

[Laughing]
Oh! Hello, sir!

How are you today?

I am Detective
Right-All-The-Time,

and this is my partner
Detective Terrible Detective.

No surprises from the coroner.

A few gunshots,
shoulder and chest.

None of the neighbors heard
or saw anything.

And what's worse, Santiago
struck out with a 92-year-old.

That is not accurate, sir.

Wait, you hooked up
with him? Ugh!

All right, hit the pawn shops
and canvass the neighborhood.

And while you're out,
you can buy yourself a tie.

(Jake)
Oh, actually, sir...

I'm wearing a tie right now.

Check it out.

Secret tie.

First of all, I think
you're kind of overdoing it

with the manscaping.

But more importantly,
Detective,

why do you refuse to
take my orders seriously?

Does anyone here know why
it's so important to me

that you all dress
appropriately?

Hmm. Four highly trained
detectives

and not one of you
can solve this simple mystery.

I wanna be briefed
on any new developments.

Any questions?

I was gonna ask you
if you thought I was doing

too much manscaping,
but we solved that one.

So I'm good.

Hey, Boyle.

- Yep.
- What about this fancy ham stuff?

- Jamon Iberico.
- Yes.

The perp left
a really expensive TV

but then stole ham?
It doesn't make sense.

Is there a place nearby
the crime scene that sells it?

- Beneficio's might.
- Let's go.

You gotta brief
the C.O. first.

We'll brief him
after we catch the guy.

My name is Ratko.
I don't know anything.

Oh, okay.

You recognize this guy?

- Henry Morgenthau?
- No.

Maybe actually look
at the picture.

I don't know him.
I don't know what happened.

No more questions.

Well, why don't I run
a scenario past you, Ratko,

and you tell me
what you think?

You do know Morgenthau.

He came in here and tried
to sell you some hams.

You knew they were worth
a lotta money,

so you tried to steal them
from him

when he wasn't home.

Only he was home,
so you shot him.

Does that sound familiar?

Uh, maybe some role play
will jog your memory?

- Great idea.
- Okay, yeah.

Okay.

- So I'm... I'm Ratko.
- No, no, I'm Ratko.

Come on.
I'm always the victim.

Look, I'm doing this
with you right here.

Fine, fine.
[Clears throat]

Oh! I'm Henry Morgenthau,

owner of delicious
and expensive hams.

Don't I know you
from the grocery store?

Kill!
And scene.

(Jake)
NYPD! Everyone down!

Ma'am, if you could
just get down,

or... ignore me
and continue shopping.

Boyle, get the door!
On it!

Ratko!

[Grunts]
Oh!

Ow!

[Both grunting]

Ha ha ha!

(Jake)
Ow, Ratko, ow!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
Ratko!

I'm getting mad!

That's a waste of manchego!

Charles!

How are you still here?
Jake!

Little help!

Ratko! He's not going
anywhere, Jake!

[Bottle clanging]
Ratko!

I got him! I got him!

Don't worry!

(Jake)
So no, I did not brief you.

And yes, he did get away.

But some bonus good news...

I got you hazelnut.

[Whispering] And...

A little spoon
there for you.

[Scoffs] Is he seriously
assigning me

to the records room?

I mean, why do we even have
a records room?

Computer's been invented, right?
I didn't dream it?

You're lucky, man.

I wish I could get
assigned here full-time.

You could not be farther
from the action.

Sergeant, you know me.
I have more arrests than anyone.

Will you please tell the Captain
how dumb it is

to lock his best Detective
in a file cabinet?

Second best.
You're wrong about Holt.

That man has forgotten more
about being a cop

than you will ever know.

In 1981, he caught
the disco strangler.

[Light disco music]

It's over, disco man!

Put down the yo-yo
and back away from the girl.

Wow.

The man is the real deal.
You need to listen to him.

Gonna be hard to win our bet

when you're
on the bench, Peralta.

Although I did start
a new category.

"Murderers we let go."

And look at that.

You're winning.

Have fun with your files.

Yeah, you know what,
I will have fun with my files.

Have fun with your face!

Slam!

That was a slam.

So what movie did you
get us tickets to?

Oh, well,
just to be safe,

I bought tickets
to all of them.

Just to be safe?
What does that mean?

I don't know,
I didn't wanna mess up.

Because you're sort of...
Opinionated.

You think I'm opinionated?
Okay, here's an opinion for you.

You're a bad judge
of character

and your shirt
looks like vomit.

So we can go see
North by Northwest.

We're not seeing
a movie together.

Good call.
Smart.

Keep it profesh.

[Blowing raspberries]

[Mimics explosion]

- Hey, Captain.
- So you found something?

Hey, I like the tie.

If you can't beat 'em,
join 'em.

Anyway, I think
I got something good here.

Turns out the name "Ratko"
is made up.

But I was digging
through these files...

One of which I literally
found in a spider web...

And it turns out there were
a bunch of references

to a serbian thug,

street names "the rat"
and "the butcher,"

who's known to hang out
at a storage unit

near Boerum Park,
which has red soil,

hence, the muddy red footprint
on Morgenthau's counter.

That's fine work,
Detective.

Thank you very much, sir.

Testament to what
can be achieved

when you dress appropriately.

Let's pound it out.

You know what,
such fine police work,

let's share it
with the whole team.

Santiago! Boyle! Diaz!
Get in here!

Bring everyone!
And a camera!

That's not necessary.
Oh, they're here!

Of the fine master Detective,
Jake Peralta.

Yeah, let's have a hand,
everyone.

- Give him a hand.
- Yeah, nice!

[Cheers and applause]

[Wolf whistle]
Looking good!

Yeah.
Thank you.

(Amy)
No record of Ratko on the ledger.

Must've used cash.

Well, I, for one,
am just pumped

to be on a stakeout
with you, Captain.

You know what my favorite thing
about stakeouts is?

Patrol guide says
"no dress code."

So I'm just the zip-up hoodie
and my two best friends.

Does he always
talk this much?

I just tune it out.

It's like
a white noise machine.

Okay, first of all,
that's racist.

Secondly, Captain,

Terry told me
you caught the disco strangler.

That's incredible.
I've read that case.

With all due respect, sir,

why'd it take you so long
to get your first command?

Because I'm gay.

[Chuckles]
Ah.

Seriously?

I'm surprised
you didn't know.

I don't try to hide it.

Did anyone else get
a little bit of a gay vibe?

[Slowed down] Manscaping.

Damn!

I am not a good Detective.

(Rosa)
Here.

I feel bad that you spent all
that money on the movie tickets.

Why don't you just go
to the movies with me?

Nope.

Okay.

Well, this is awkward.

It's not awkward.

I like your company.

You're sweet.

When did you come out?

About 25 years ago.

The NYPD was not ready
for an openly gay Detective.

But then the old guard
died out.

Suddenly, they couldn't wait
to show off the fact

that they had a highly ranking
gay officer.

I made Captain.

But they put me
in a public affairs unit.

I was a good soldier.
I helped recruitment.

But all I ever really wanted
was my own command.

And now I finally got it.

And I'm not gonna
screw it up.

Captain, I'm sorry.
I...

I feel like a jackass.

[Sighs]

But on the flip side,
there's Ratko.

Humility over.
I'm amazing!

[Hip-hop music]

♪

Fantastic.
3,000 identical blue doors.

Looks like we all
got door duty.

Ah, yeah.
From before.

Good one.
You look great.

Clear.

Clear.

[Sighs]
Okay.

Unbelievable!

Un-believable!

Ah.

Ratko, great to see you.

You can't stop me.

I'm going.

Actually,
you're not going anywhere.

'Cause if you take a look
to your left,

you'll see Detective's
Boyle and Diaz.

Right there
is Detective Santiago.

And behind you
is Captain Holt.

Point is...
My team has you surrounded.

Oh, my God,
I just got the tie thing!

Captain,
I just figured it out.

Maybe now's not
the best time, Detective.

It's a uniform!

We're a team,
and the tie is a part

of that team's uniform,
right?

You ask Ratko what team?

No, Ratko, shut up.

It's important to you

because you were kept
off the team for so long.

And now you're the coach,

and you want us to
all wear that same uniform.

Boom! Nailed it!

Yes, you did.
Now just arrest Ratko.

All right, Ratko, down.
Drop the weapon.

Hands on your head.
Here we go.

- Hey!
- He's running!

Oh!
Got him!

Hands behind your back!
Hands behind your back!

(Boyle)
Stay down.

That's how we do it
in the nine-nine, sir.

Catch bad guys
and look good doing it.

What's wrong with you?

Never took off the speedo.
Big mistake.

It is inside me.
Great work, team!

Sync & corrections by Rafael UPD
www.Addic7ed.Com/

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