All language subtitles for Atypical.S04E07.NF.WEBRip

Zahid, we need to talk.

Please sit down of your own accord.

Of my own accord? Okay.

What's going on, Sammy?

What's going on is Gretchen is the worst.

The last time you dated her,
she sucked out your life force

and left you at the altar.
You need to break up with her.

You make some good points, Sammy.

- But there's one problem.
- What?

I refuse.

But she's awful.

I know.

But ever since I found out
about my love lump,

I'm all about the Gretch.
It's like my junk has taken over.

I'm not even the one that called her.
My dong dialed the phone, Sam.

It wasn't a butt dial. It was a...

...a nut dial.

I doubt that.

Anyhoo, you got nothing
to worry about, brother.

This time around,
me and Gretch are purely sexual.

We're just two mutually-consenting alphas

sport-grinding our way
through the Kama Sutra.

It's like a bucket list for my balls.

Is that so wrong?

Yes. You're acting
like Robert Falcon Scott.

Thank you?

You're not welcome.

Successful explorers
plan and take precautions,

but Robert Falcon Scott
just wanted to be macho.

So he tried to cross Antarctica
by man-hauling.

- What is that?
- It means he and his crew

carried all of their equipment
and supplies instead of using dogs.

They got so tired, they died.

Well, I'll def make sure to hydrate.

- Is that all?
- No.

Gretchen is bad news,
and I don't want you to date her.

Sadly in the case of Wanters v. Getters,

the jury sides with my balls.

Gretchen stays.

Good talk, bestie.

How come no one in this house
knows how to put the top back on the milk?

We do. We just think it's funny
when you spill it all the time.

So guess what they sell
at the fancy grocery store down the block?

Like, a bunch of different type
of peanut butters from different nuts,

except they don't taste as good,
and they cost twice as much?

Yes, but also ta-da!

It's a sourdough starter.
It's like the one Mom murdered.

Oh, more goo.

Yeah. Well, it's not really about the goo.

The goo's symbolic.

It's about you finding something else
to focus on other than my track stuff.

I know I've been a little intense, okay?

I'm sorry. It's just...

It's exciting having a kid
with so much potential, a star.

I'm not a star.

Yeah, you are.

Anyway,
I just wanna make sure you're focused

and not letting things distract you.

Things.

Like the "thing" staying in Sam's room?

I'm just saying.

Oh, holy crap. Did Mom make another pie?

Yes, but this one has a higher purpose.
This is not for you.

A higher purpose?
What, is it gonna be the next pope?

- Just a tiny taste. Just a tiny taste.
- No. I said no.

What's up with your fingernails?

Nothing.

Bye.

I just don't understand it.

How can he be with Gretchen again?

She's controlling,
she hates higher education,

and she breaks the law.

She sounds perfect.

What? I like bad girls.

My last girlfriend
ran me over with the Vespa.

I miss her.

Well, if you're done complaining
about some girl we've never met,

I got an opportunity for you.

How are you doing on funds
for your Antarctica trip?

Only okay, but I still need a lot more.

That's what I thought.

Oh, look at that cute guy!

I got this lady, total kook,

wants to commission a portrait
of her cat dressed as a cowboy.

No, thank you. I already have enough
terrible things annoying me right now.

Job pays $500.

Here's her list of demands.

She wants it wearing chaps
and a ten-gallon hat?

I am not gonna like this.

I know.

Hey, so I was looking through your bag
to find a T-shirt to steal...

- Invasive.
- And you realize that all you packed

are a bunch of socks
and a sports bra, right?

Yeah, I know.

I packed up pretty quickly.

My mom kicked me out.

Oh.

I didn't...

What happened?

Oh, you know, just my mom being my mom.

I was gonna tell you,

but I didn't wanna
talk about it right away.

It's okay. I understand.

Hmm.

Do you wanna go to a party?

What?

Erika's having some people over,
and it might be fun.

I love fun. Um...

But what about the track meet?

I mean, shouldn't we be, like, resting up?

Probably.

Hmm.

But I told her I'd be there.

That's okay. I'll just go by myself.

No, I'll go with you.

- You will?
- Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

I mean, I love parties, and I love people,

so I'm kind of a party person.

Okay.

Thank you.

Today is a red-letter day.

- It is?
- Yes.

After all this time, I've finally
been added to the Gardner Gab text thread.

I mean, I've felt like
an honorary family member for years,

but this really seals the deal.

I just have to figure out
what my first contribution will be.

It's either gonna be a meme
of a pirate that says, "We argh family,"

or it's gonna be
yellow marshmallow chicks,

and it says, "Hi, my peeps."

What do you think?

I don't care.

Okay. Well, that was rude.

I'm sorry.

I'm just not interested,

and I'm distracted
by this dumb cat I have to draw.

I don't even know where to start.

Want my advice?

Just be yourself with it.
You're a brilliant artist, Sam.

I'm sure that whatever you do
is gonna be amazing.

Maybe if I could focus,

but that's impossible
with Zahid and Gretchen

having loud sex all day in his room,

and the bathroom, and the kitchen.

And I'm pretty sure I caught them doing
something gross in the parking garage,

but I ran away before I could confirm.

Well, I can certainly get that.

But, I mean, you do have to admit,

they have
some sort of animalistic chemistry.

By comparison,

our S-E-X life is a little quiet.

I mean,
I'm still on my first S-E-X candle.

I had to dust it off last week.

At least it's clean.

Well, I have been thinking,
and you're leaving soon,

and I think we should take advantage
of the time that we have left.

We should have more S-E-X.

Oh, okay.

Good.

Next time I come over, it is on.

And by "it," I do not mean our clothes
because those will definitely be off.

Hmm.

Hi, Mom.

Hello.

Come in.

This pie...

...is delicious.

- I'm so glad you like it.
- Oh yes.

You always loved cherries.

Do you remember that trip
we took to Michigan?

First day there, you went missing.

I found you picking cherries
in back, so many.

Your hands, face, bright red.

You looked like you must have committed
some sort of grisly crime.

I can't believe you remember that.

Of course I do. That was a big day.

- And then we baked!
- Yes, we did. We baked.

You know,
I think I have photos of that vacation.

Wait here, and I'll get them.

And when I come back,

I'm gonna need another slice
of that scrumptious pie.

What the heck is this?

That's my Wild West cat drawing.

Where's the ten-gallon hat?
Where are the chaps?

She specifically asked for chaps.

There are definitely no chaps on this cat.

I know, but I don't love cats,

and I've never tried to draw anything
I didn't really love before.

My girlfriend said to just make it my own,
so that's what I did.

That was terrible advice.

Oh.

Did I make a mistake here?
Do I need a new artist?

Because for 500 bones,

my ten-year-old niece
could whip this out in two Scooby-Doos.

No, I know I can draw something ugly.

I just need to concentrate,
even though that's gonna be even harder

now that my girlfriend
wants to ramp up our sex life.

Well, there's your problem.

You can't channel the cat
because you're too worried about the puss.

What?

Isaac Newton, Nikola Tesla, Mozart.

All the greats swore off sex
to maximize artistic output.

That's why I swore off sex too.

You swore off sex
because the girl you like

got a boyfriend on the wrestling team.

There were a lot of considerations.

It's perfect.

Well, hello, mister.

Bad news, Paige.

Sid says we can't have sex
until I finish this Wild West cat.

What?

I've sworn off sex.

Sid says it's either sex or success,
and I'm choosing success.

If I wanna go to Antarctica, I have to.

Sid said that?

It's too bad. It looks like we were gonna
get it on like nobody's business.

Well, fine.
I... I guess I'll just go home then.

Okay. Bye, Paige.

What's up your butt?

Nothing. I'm fine.

God! You know, it's just that

Sam and I were supposed to have
a nice night with...

...sex.

And now we're not.

Gotcha. Sexual dysfunction.

No. No, we don't have dysfunction.

I just wanted to liven things up
a teeny tiny bit.

Oh, Paige,

you're so dumb.

Excuse me?

Look, if you wanna knock more boots,

you just gotta figure out your guy's kink.

His what?

Excuse me, could you please
keep it down out here?

Sid needs this drawing ASAP,

and I can't remember
what a spittoon looks like.

This Sid guy's
really riding you hard, huh?

What?

No, Sid's a girl.

Sid is obviously a girl's name.

Now, please, inside voices only.

Sid is a girl?

You didn't know?

You were saying?

Okay, so...

Guys are like animals,
and not even smart ones like dolphins.

So you just gotta figure out
what makes them tick.

Like, Zahid is super visual.

Watch and learn.

Three, two,

one.

Madam.

I require your attendance in the boudoir.

Hie, milady, hie.

See? Later, tater.

- You okay?
- Yeah.

We talked, we laughed, we ate pie,

but also she was kind.

She listened.

And it was actually

fun.

I don't know.

And for the first time in forever,
I... I'm actually hopeful.

- I'm gonna see her again next week.
- Oh, that's so good.

Hey, you...
you think I should check on Casey?

Isn't it time for lights out?

Oh, she's not here.
I let her go out with Izzie tonight.

But her track meet's in a couple of days.

You really think
now is the time to slack off?

Yes, I do.

And I'm gonna pour you
another glass of wine

'cause you're being a buzzkill.

Okay.

I don't wanna be a buzzkill.

You got this.

What?

Oh no! No, no, no, no, no, no!

Oh my God!

Oh no.

At least it's a cute butt though.

I appreciate
the days-of-the-week underwear.

You know, you lose track of time,
and you just glance at your tush.

Right.

Oh, you two are, like, the perfect couple.

I am never gonna find this.

Oh no, we have issues too.

Yeah, she has really sharp toenails.

- They're actually more like talons.
- Mmm.

She just did a test for me last week.

- No. Are you serious?
- Yeah.

But I'm not mad about it anymore.

There is just this one tiny thing
that still bothers me.

What?

I just know if the school found out,
nothing would happen to Casey.

Like, if she just walked in there
and turned herself in.

But if they thought it was me,
I mean, I would be kicked out for sure.

Casey's just, like, untouchable.

That...

No way. That's crazy.

I'll bet you $100.

Oh!

- That's not true.
- What, that I have $100?

You're right about that.

- Hey, Izzie. Breakfast?
- Oh no, it's okay. Just coffee, please.

How about just eggs, and bacon,

and fruit, and pie?

I mean, okay. Thank you.

Check this out.

It's from UCLA.

What is this? Are you opening my mail?

I'm sorry. It said UCLA. I got excited.

It's an official letter of interest.
It means they're really interested in you.

They're even gonna send a recruiter
to watch you run at the next race.

Our little speedster!

- I'm so proud of you, Casey.
- Me too.

It's happening.

For both of us.

No, for you.

No time to let up now.
Pedal to the metal, right?

I cheated.

I did Izzie's physics test.

And I'm prepared to accept my punishment,
whatever it may be.

I appreciate that.

Thanks for letting me know.

We're all good.

What?

You told the truth, got it off your chest.

Now fly, little birdie.

That's it?

I'm not in trouble?

Do you wanna be?

You wanna go to UCLA.
It's your dream school.

You made a mistake.
You came clean. We're all good.

Now go make Clayton Prep proud
at that track meet.

Okay.

Hey, Sammy, what's up?
You're not working today.

Gretchen ate my hash browns.

Ooh, yeah, sorry, homie.
She did leave an IOU though.

I'll pick some up
the next time I'm at the store.

Or you could break up with Gretchen,
which would address the larger problem.

Really? This again?

Yes, this again. Always this.

Look, it is my decision.

And if you think it's a bad one,

well, there's nothing
I can really do about that.

I bet that's exactly what
Robert Falcon Scott said to his crew

when he brought ponies to Antarctica
instead of sled dogs.

That's right, ponies.

Walking through the snow in Antarctica.

No, man, you don't get it.

At first, Gretchen and I
were just bumping crotch.

But the more we kick it...

I was wrong about her.
She's actually awesome.

Gretchen is atrocious.

Well,

if that's gonna be your attitude,

then maybe I don't want you
coming to my ultrasound,

or any appointments.

I'll ask Gretchen.
At least I know she cares about me

and my balls!

- Fine, I won't.
- Good!

So,

we've all seen my butt.

Oh, Paige, honey, we don't need to...

No, I... I... I really think that we do,

because this is not how I wanted
to introduce my texting persona

to the Gardner Gab group.

I mean, you know, I'm usually
so on point with the memes.

I even made one for this conversation.

- Hmm.
- Wow.

- Yeah, that's very clever.
- Yeah.

But, as you know, Sam's leaving soon,

which makes me nervous
and has me craving a little more intimacy.

That's it. I'm done.

Good night, Paige.

Okay.

I wish I could make this better.

I usually don't do
stuff this dumb, you know,

but...

Ugh, I'm all turned around lately,

and if I could just go back in time
and stop this from ever happening,

I would.

Yeah. Yeah.

Can we be done now?

Sure.

So Sam's going to Antarctica.

Oh my.

I'm having a hard time
wrapping my head around that one,

but looks like it's really happening,
so I probably need to.

It's just so scary.

It's terrifying to see your kids
go out into the world.

But how much scarier
would it be if they didn't?

My friend Jasmine,

her son is 40 years old,
and he still lives at home.

He keeps his samurai sword collection
in the basement.

This has been so nice.
Do you mind if I come back again?

I would be offended if you didn't.

Oh,

and please say hello
to your mother for me.

What?

You didn't really
turn yourself in, did you?

I tried.

You were right. I guess I owe you $100.

Why would you do that?
Because of what I said at the party?

I was just being dumb.
I didn't want you to actually do it.

Yeah, I know. I just...

I felt like I had to.

Okay, well,
I'm glad you didn't get suspended.

We need you.

The team needs you. You're important.

You know it's okay for people
to recognize you're special.

Ugh.

It was less stressful
when no one noticed me at all.

Hi, I'm Rich.

I'll be doing your ultrasound today.

Hello, Rich.

I hope you don't mind.
I don't feel like talking.

No problem at all.

My girlfriend was supposed to come,
but she didn't.

She's actually a terrible person.

And my best friend keeps telling me
the story about this old explorer dude

who was trying to prove how manly he was
and got a bunch of people killed.

And I'm thinking maybe that was me,
because I'm worried.

I mean, how can a lover like the Z-man
only have one nut?

Can the big dog
still be a player with the ladies

even if he's down to just one dangler?

What if losing a testicle
makes me less of a dude?

Zahid, you said I don't care
about your balls, but I do.

And losing a testicle
doesn't make you any less of a man.

In fact, I did some research,
and it turns out

when one testicle is removed,
the other one usually makes up for it

in terms of testosterone
and sperm production.

So that's twice the sperm.

You mean,

I'll have a bionic nut?

Not really.

But kinda. Nice.

Also, guess what?

I broke up with Gretchen.

I'm sorry I didn't listen to you.

Again.

At least you did eventually.

Yeah.

But Gretchen was supposed
to give me a ride after the big surgery.

I guess I'll find somebody else.

I would ask Jay and Padma,
but they get real weepy real fast.

Maybe I'll Lyft it.

I'll do it.

- I'll drive you home.
- But you don't drive.

- I'll learn.
- Really?

Thanks, homie.

But now I have to get to work
on a cowboy cat.

Truer words have never been spoken.

Hello, Sam.

I was thinking, and...

The reason that I sent the butt pic
is because I got jealous,

and insecure, and controlling.

Basically, I became a Gretchen.

But I don't need her advice.
I know my guy.

You feeling frisky?

No, actually,
I'm feeling frustrated and uninspired.

Hmm.

Well,

maybe this will help.

What are you doing?

Holy moly. Is that...

The Adélie penguin mating dance?

It sure is.

Do you like it?

You learned this for me?

Just for you.

♪ Yeah, you ♪

Let's go. Let's go.

♪ Yeah, you ♪

- Hey.
- Hey.

You think that's her?

Yeah, I guess.

Runners, to your marks.

Come on. That's us.

♪ I'd wish to have a robot heart ♪

♪ But your songs tear me apart... ♪

Set!

♪ I've tried to hold you, but I can't ♪

Go!

Casey, run!

♪ I will put someday on the list ♪

♪ I will put someday on the list ♪