All language subtitles for Dinnerladies_S01E03.Scandal.eng

Slowly release the pressure
and back to the tapping.

Oh, is this your full fat day?

Oh, it could be if I call
Wednesday semi-skimmed.

In fact if I call today Saturday
I could have a kit kat.

It's a load of codswash, dieting.

All that misery for what?

You could fall under
a bus tomorrow.

I could.

You wouldn't fit under a bus.

It would have to be jacked up.

I'm not cursed with
hips fortunately.

We've come a long way,
me and my hips.

Hmm. Talk about "contents
may have settled in transit."

What're you reading Twink?

Survey. Good knob guide.

Let's have a look.

Blimey, I thought you meant
furniture or summat.

Now I'm sanding down
an old blanket box.

I could do with an unusual knob.

I don't think you want one of
them on your blanket box, Dolly.

TV weather girl Irina

shows us around a
converted sauce factory.

Well, it might give me some ideas.

Oh, honestly!

Oh, I can't even look.

I thought you said it was knobs.

What is it?

Oh, no, I'm not letting you see it.

Could set your marriage
guidance back months.

You know Keith told her

I needed to make more
of an effort in bed.

I'm not surprised if you
spend the whole time

reading Catherine Cookson.

I don't!

Well not the whole time.

Anything out of the ordinary
happens, I pop in a bookmark.

Is Catherine Cookson
the one on the telly?

And it's all lovely
and old-fashioned

and they go round in carriages.

No, that's Jane Austen.

If they're in carriages and the
bosoms are like just under the chins

that's Jane Austen.

Catherine Cookson,
there'll be like a horse and cart,

and they get pregnant a lot,
and chop the heads off mackerel.

And it's raining and the
bosoms will be a lot lower.

And the Jane Austin ones,
are they Shakespeare?

No, there's Dickens.
Are you thinkin' of Dickens?

If they're all like covered in warts

and they go "Oh, Mr. Wizzigog",
that's Dickens.

Shakespeare, that's BBC Two,
and they have like robes on

and they never sit down
and they run on.

You never seen 'em?

I don't know.

Yeah they run on.
"What is it you?"

" Oh the Duke of Widdlibob's
done such and such,

and such a body's fell
downstairs in her nightie,

okay, fair enough, off you go."

That's Shakespeare.

It's good.

She's a millionaire now
this weather girl Irina.

Just for pointing at some
low cloud over Derby.

It's like those fat
ladies that cook.

Oh, what are they called?

They're fat ladies.

There's two of them?

Two Fat Ladies.

That's them, I couldn't think
what they were called.

Oh, and they're very ill groomed,

standing there with
their kirby grips

dangling over a
bit of wood cock.

What cock?

It's a brew there.

Uh, now. Message from Philippa.

Did anyone see that series
on telly about binmen?

Ah, with Edward Woodward?
That were brilliant.

No.

And did you know,

he was married to that
woman out of thingy bob,

"Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em"?

What d'you mean, 'ave 'em?

No.

You know it goes under
a lorry and rollerskates.

Mr. Bean.

No, not Mr. Bean.

Bren!

- Mr. Pastry?
- No, Phantom of the Opera.

Bren! Not that series. Shut up.

There has just been a series
on television about binmen,

real binmen.

Nothing to do with Edward
piggin' Woodward.

Real people. Documentary.

- Oh, I know.
- Oh yeah.

And the people who made it,
God help them,

want to come and have a
look around the factory.

To make a programme about us!

I don't know.

Get the phones Bren,
I'm having a fag.

- Tony!
- No.

- Oh I left them on 't table.
- No.

So we might be
on the television.

If they make a
docusoap about us,

I could become a celebrity.

Yeah, like that girl that trips up
on that discussion programme.

She's in here. Look!

Trips up once on television

and now she's seen here
relaxing in the Seychelles,

in lycra flat-fronted
trousers £89.99,

with her boyfriend Olive.

Clive.

I might have my own
slimming programme

if our docusoap takes off.

There will be no docusoap.

You are sad women.

What have you done
to that lettuce?

Chopped it!

You've pulverised it.
It's had it.

That's not a salad bowl,
that's a hospice.

I hear the toilet paper dispenser's
playing up again.

Yeah, you tug and you
only get one piece.

Well, that's not
adequate, you see.

It's supposed to be
three sheets per tug.

It'll be the tension
on my spindle nuts.

I said that.

I'll loosen them off.

- Is there anybody in there?
ALL: No.

Male maintenance operative

entering female relief premises

for nut adjustment.

What's he doing?

He's adjusting his nuts.

Fair enough.

Bren, Bren!

Can I just pop into the
toilet a minute with Clint?

Nothing sordid, we're just...

Come on lover!

Bren, if you have a minute,
two black coffees.

Bren, was that your mother?

That just went in the
toilet with that boy?

Yeah.

Are you Brenda?

Bren!

Yeah.

Answer me one question, love.

Where's my Clint?

Sorry?

He's living with your mother,
isn't he, in that caravan.

He needs to come home love,
he gets constipated.

Look I don't see it very often.

She parks it in different places.

I've got water around the heart.

I've had to have my rings cut off.

I should be in Lanzorote today.

What's going on?

He's all I've got.

My daughter's in Saudi.

I just want to talk to him.

My ankles are like this.

I can only wear moon boots.

What's the problem?

How's he gonna cope
in the caravan?

He's used to a through-lounge.

I've gone up a bra size.
It's all water.

Tell me about it
outside love, okay?

That's it. Out we go.

He's just had trainers
for 98 pounds.

What's the toilet situation?

Only I've got a semi operative
dispenser spindle in there.

All right. Show's over.

- Can I have a word, Bren?
- Yeah.

Who are you?

Is he with you Stan?

He's not.

- He came in with my mother.
- Eh?

Did you do those coffees, Bren?

Hang about!

Now, I like strange women
shouting the odds

and a staff toilet
full of mad people.

That's better than the
game of snooker to me.

But what is going on?

What was that all about
and who is he?

Do excuse me.

I'm Bren's mother,
Petula Gordino.

And this is Clint.

- Clint?
- My fiancé.

Clint's mother's a bit stressed
by our engagement.

So we're going to Barcelona.
Let her cool off.

I think Clint's going to be very
stimulated by the architecture.

But until his passport comes through,

I wondered if I could just park the
caravan by the back stairs there?

Now, who do we need to ring?

Come on Clinty!

You haven't forgotten
the researcher's coming.

The docusoap.

No, we're all really excited.

So am I actually. On the QT.

Did you see that one
about undertakers?

Erh...

Oh, it was really funny
when he kept saying

"I'm screwing the lid down now."

That's all he said,
"I'm screwing the lid down now."

He's given up undertaking,
he does quiz shows.

Did Stan manage to tow
your mother's caravan round?

Yeah, it's on the back by his bins.

JEAN: Morning.

DOLLY: Hello.
PHILIPPA: Hello.

Is she here? The researcher?

Mr. Michael's waiting
outside with her.

Anybody here with no clothes on?

Oh, you missed it again.

Which bra is it Jean?

The grey one with the gaffer tape?

Hi Twink!

Shut up Bren, I'm wrecked.

Look! Could I just
have a quick word

with everybody
about the docusoap?

I do know they're looking
for an upbeat feel.

And I see you as
quite a sparky bunch.

Oh, we are!

There of course it's not just
the canteen she's looking at.

There's Packing.

ALL: Ohhh.

Is it Harold who's supposed
to have a bit of a party piece?

All he does is struggle to force

the theme tune from
Cagney & Lacey out of his...

Bottom?

No.

Out of his ocarina
I was trying to say.

Bottom!

How could somebody get
a tune out of their bottom?

There speaks a woman
who's never gone camping.

Remember. Up, jolly, haha!

Let's go for it!

Here we are.

This is Hannah.

Jolly good.

Hello. Philippa.

We spoke on the phone.
Moorcroft.

And these are the girls.

Hello!

Oh, sorry.

There's Tony the manager.
Not a girl.

Right.

So what sort of
goes on here then?

Oh, there's tons
happening, isn't there?

There's the breadman.

Norman.

Cos we have like this bread order,

and sometimes like it's not correct.

Li.. Like it doesn't tally.

You know, I was supposed
to get a load of ....

- Granary torpedos.
- Yeah.

And we never get them.

We get like wholemeal pittas.

And you say to him, Norman,

why'd you give me
wholemeal pittas, Norman?

And what does he say?

Well, he doesn't say anything
usually, does he?

He's just usually says like it were
a mistake or something, don't he?

Anyway, sorry.

This is Bren, Dolly, Jean, Twinkle.

All real characters.

- And me.
- Oh, sorry. Anita.

And Anita's ethnic.

So..?

So that's doubled your audience.

And this is Stan.

Pro tem running repairs. Hello.

I'm not meaning to blow
my own instrument,

but I have to say,

some mornings without me
I doubt there'll be toast.

Oh God, I adore toast!

So you've got like
your own toaster?

- It's an EK 727.
- Right.

Now...

(DOOR BANGS)

(SINK TAP WATER RUNNING)

(PASSES WIND)

(PASSES WIND AGAIN)

Won't be long Bren.
It's only a blood test.

See you.

Are you all right?

Yeah, I'm still a bit awkward
about my mother still being here.

Can I have 12 rounds of white?

Yeah, hang on.

Are you going to put
them on the telly then?

I don't know yet.

Depends on Bren.

What's that?

You know she's got her mother
shacked up by the bins here

with a 16-year-old boy.

Never.

It's only like Frank Sinatra
and Mia Farrow.

Not very nice for
the filming Bren.

Breaking wind in a
food preparation area.

I don't think Mia Farrow
would have done that.

Tell her to go Bren.

We can't have her
caught on camera Bren.

I don't want to present myself

against a background of
underaged sex and trapped wind.

SHELAGH: She's here, isn't she?

You lying Tripe Hound.

There's a queue here.

I'm on 13 types of tablets.

I know that caravan's here.
I've had it followed.

My niece was in
the military police.

She's been all round 'ere
in an unmarked Vauxhall.

Let me at her,
I want her to give him up.

Don't flipping call me names.

She's a grown woman.
Do you know what I mean.

You might not like
the idea of her

jumping your son's bones
in a five berth caravan,

but let's face facts,
you can't stop her.

I can stop her.

I'm on my limit lady
and I've nothing to lose.

I've got high blood pressure
and water retention.

Do you know what
that gives you?

Boiling water?

It gives you a reckless edge.

I can only wear men's trousers

and there's not a jury in the
land that wouldn't take my side.

Where's that caravan?
Let me at it.

No, no.

That is my bin and skip area.

You make a move towards it and
there'll be a sore point all round.

Now, you can leave
in a dignified pattern

as besuits the female persuasion,

or I can bleep for security,

who are trained to remove
women by the elbow.

Pick your potato!

Right.

Daughter of a scum.

Tell your mother...

We are picketing this factory

till that trollop comes out
and faces me face to face.

I'm phoning the papers,
I'm phoning the television.

We are gonna be outside
those gates night and day

until she comes out.

And when she does,
she's dead meat.

And a strawberry yoghurt.

WOMAN ON TV: Now in it's fifth day,

the factory siege shows no
sign of coming to an end.

(TV CONTINUES): Clint's mother said
she will continue to picket the factory

(TV CONTINUES) till glamorous gran
Petula Gordino agrees to a meeting.

(TURNS OFF TV)

It's getting crazy out there.

Are you okay?
Did you get in all right?

Only just. Only cos Stan
was waiting for me,

he got hold of my arm
and yanked me through.

It is, is getting silly.

What's that Bren?

Oh, sorry. I think it's a teddy.

Is it? Can't see Christopher
Robbin draggin' that upstairs.

I mean, what is he at, that Clint?

No offence to your mum,
but he's 16.

He should be trying the
doors on parked cars.

He don't want to be shacked up

with a woman old enough
to remember Maigret.

Plus the bloomin' factory's
nearly ground to a halt.

Oh, we've started.

All right Norman?

Bren! Do you want to do Kilroy?

Mothers who have let
their daughters down?

No.

- They'll send a Peugeot.
- BREN: No.

You got your last loaves off me.

Look! You just have to force
your way through like I did.

I'm agoraphobic you know.

I fell off a diving
board in Guernsey!

It's like a pack of
hyenas out there.

And I were photographed.

If I get my face in't paper,

that could be a bit awkward
for me, could that.

Why? Are you a bigamist
or something Norman?

Technically, I am actually.

But anyway. That's it.

No more bread till it's all over.

Goin' well Bren.
No veg, now no bread.

Milk's not come either.

I'm taking one of these, okay?

I'm having such fun.

It's been a fantastic
five days for me.

The girls are here.

Stan's helping them out of the car.

Clint's mother's got that placard.

"Killer Hore From Hell"?

Do you think somebody'd
tell her it starts with a W?

[PHONE RINGING]

STAN: All right.
Here we go. That's it.

We're in! We're OK!

Now everybody sit down.

I can't take much more.

She nearly had my sunroof in.

Two of those reporters came
to the front door last night.

Yeah, three rang me up.

I tripped over two on't
doorstep this morning.

Dolly! Do you want to do Kilroy?

Can osteoporosis affect
driving concentration?

- Claire Rayner and Lorraine Chase.
- No!

I don't see how they're
gonna resolve this?

Well, we need an ombudsman.

We need something.

This is gettin' beyond the...

Twink: Doo-dah.

Do you want to do Kilroy?

Impotence, the new celibacy.

With Miriam Stoppard
and Harold Pinter.

Oh, no.

Can we have eight coffee and
four tea and a box of biscuits?

And can the lids have cups?

I mean, can the cups have lids?

Hello everybody!

I didn't sleep very well last night.

Thermoses.
We've only got yesterday's milk.

Nevermind.
And a box of biscuits.

No, I said a box of
biscuits, didn't I?

It's for the press again.

Did I say lids?

I'm worried about
people getting scalded.

Can somebody bring them
down to the main gate?

We can't bring them.
It's a lynch mob.

Is Clint's mum still there?

Yes! She's actually chained
herself to the main gates now.

[PHONE RINGING]

I'll get my slippers.

It's alright, the fire
brigade are coming.

Oh, flip, what am I saying?

So none of the lorries
can get in or out.

Um... I'll come back
for the coffee.

Twink! Do you want to be on telly?

Middle age workmates make me sick.

With Robert Kilroy bum crack?

- Yeah.
- No.

She has. She's chained
herself to the gates.

Is that Carmel from
Northern Roundup?

Oh, she's loving this.

She normally only
gets to interview people

who make furniture
out of conkers.

Oh, Mr. Michael's out again trying
to calm Clint's mother down.

- Oh, lovely.
- What?

Spat at him.

Oh!
Why do people have to spit?

That ruined Titanic
for me, the spitting!

The iceberg couldn't come
soon enough once I saw that.

Have you got any foil Bren?

I thought I might put
in a few highlights.

Mum, she's chained
herself to the main gates.

None of the lorries
can get through now.

Has she?

Oi!..
This is your doing!

Jean, that rinse on your hair!

Will you give me the name?

Catherine Deneuve is after
that sort of a shade. I know.

Excuse me!

I was nearly poked in the sun roof
coming to work this morning.

I wish I could help.

You can damn well help.

It's you she's waiting for.

Anita! Do you want to do Kilroy?

Multicultural breast implants.

With Naomi Campbell's
mother and Mada Jaffrey.

Not really.

This is a strain for
all of us, Jean.

Clint's feeling it.

We won't dwell on what Clint's feeling.
Thanks very much.

If you must have sexual impulses,

why have you got to have
them at the back of our bins?

Mrs. Gordino, I had no idea the
situation would escalate in this way.

It's not just the press harassment,
the crowds, the ill feeling,

it's actually now affecting the factory.

We can't get the lorries in or out.

The fabricator on their way

but she said she'll continue to chain
herself to the gates till you come out.

She's a one-trick pony as little
Art Garfunkel used to say.

Stunted imagination.

Clint says he had fish pie
four nights out of seven.

Obviously nobody wants
to turf you out.

It's very awkward.

But I really think we've
got to ask you to leave.

Does anybody want to
do friggin' poxy Kilroy,

with Robert stupid
up himself Silk?

[ALL]: Noooo!

Stan!

What's the topic?

How moping floors enlarged
my organ! I don't know.

Mrs. Gordino, I have a
responsibility to my workers.

I can see that.

By hecky, you hoe a hard row
and we respect you for it.

Look folks! I walk out through
those gates this minute,

but how will your firm look

if she batters me to death,
right in front of your logo?

Oh, crikey Mikey!

What do you think
we should do Bren?

Well, this is like a blooming
torn between two lovers, this.

Do you know what I mean?

I'm like torn between the
factory and my mother.

I mean I love the factory,
and as for me mother...

But I love the factory.

Don't blame Bren.

I've had postnatal
disinterest for 40 years.

But even when you don't
actually like someone

you don't especially want
them to get battered.

Thanks sweetheart.

If my mother doesn't leave,
what's the upshot?

How will we get the lorries in?

What's gonna happen
to the documentary?

How can we carry on?

We haven't even
got any vegetables.

- It's not your fault Bren.
- I know.

I can't properly hose my bins
with that caravan parked up.

I know.

- We have to move quickly.
- I know.

They always seem to
sort these things out

on those television
shows, don't they?

What?

Well like on Oprah Winfrey.

They all put their points of view.

Look, if we get extra security...

No, listen! Anita's right.

That's what Shelagh wants.

She wants to have a say
with everybody listening.

She wants a proper audience.

Could take days to get
on that sort of show!

No I mean do it here, now.

We got any blooming chairs.

- But who would...
- Get her from Northern Roundup, Carmel.

She'll be in like a shot.

I'll go now. Brilliant Bren!

Can she handle an in-depth
emotional debate?

Normally she only
holds up gigantic onions!

Yeah but it doesn't matter.

She's got a camera crew,
she's here now.

That's all Shelagh wants,
a little bit of fame.

Who was it who was on about
15 minutes of fame? Andy?

- Pandy!
- No Jean.

It was about 15 minutes Andy Pandy.

Rag, Tag, and Bobtail.

Uh! That was 15 minutes.

I'll just check that Shelagh's
on her way up, Carmel.

Now, what about this lighting?

Do I need to make love to
you to put more lights on?

There are no more lights!

It's wattage per footage round here.

Anyway, I live with my dad.

He likes to play the ukulele
till half past nine.

So, are you really going to
Barcelona with Bren's mum?

Suppose so.

I'm just doing it to
annoy my mother really.

What's that?

It's my prepared statement.

What's it say?

If I'm old enough to drive a car,
why can't make my own decisions,

blah blah...

You're not old enough
to drive a car, are you?

Should I change it to moped?

You won't catch me shacking
up with an older!

It's bad enough working with them.

Always on about sixpences

and Pam Ayres and Rag,
Tag and flippin' Bobtail.

Never mind "get a life",
they've never had one.

And now they haven't
got time to get one.

Petula reckoned we're like
lovers in a previous existence.

Do you not believe
in like reincarnation

at the end of the before and you're
like destined to be together.

No!

What do you believe in?

Don't have your tongue pierced
cos it hurts when you say sausages.

And when you're buying trainers

and they say "do you want
the box?", don't have it.

Otherwise you end up
with a load of boxes.

Them are cool.

- Yeah. Gettin' the brown ones Saturday.
- They haven't got them.

They have. He's just got them in.

I know the bottom
with a lot of flash.

We err... have Shelagh.
We're ready to go.

All right then.

Wide two Simon.

Hang on a minute.
Running up.

Any trouble, I'm in.

I've trained with the Paras.

My dad was a desert rat.

And speed!

My son's fiancé is old enough
to be his own grandmother.

That's the bizarre claim that
has led Shelagh Openshaw

to chain herself to the gates
of HWD Components,

in the fifth day of her protest.

And here is that fiancé
Petula Gordino.

Petula!

Carmel. When Mia Farrow
left Frank Sinatra,

he got a bit of a thing for me.

On the rebound.

Typical Italian macho nonsense.

He was forever landing on
my lawn in his helicopter.

It got silly, really.

You'd pull back the bedroom curtains
and there'd be Frank's chopper.

But, I turned him down Carmel,

and I'll tell you for why.

Because we weren't a true match.

And do you feel Clint and
you are a true match?

Oh, there's no question in my mind.

Our minds.

Our hearts.

Can you carry on?

Our souls...

I was only asking!

We're twin souls.

Can we have Shelagh
to sit in, please?

Shelagh,

can I have your assurance
that during this interview

you won't harm
Petula in anyway?

I don't want to hurt anybody.

I'm on 13 types of tablets.

I've had to have me rings cut off.

I can only go to sleep
on a deck chair.

Are you saying to Clint,
give her up or else?

No way Carmel, he's my son,
and I love him.

And if she makes Clint happy,
she makes me happy.

So, you'll actually welcome
Petula into your home?

With knobs on.

She's family, she's in.

She comes to stock car racing,

she comes to Llandudno.

Well, let's hear from Clint.

Clint!

Em... he didn't actually
want to come on telly,

but he's got this thing he
wanted me to read out.

Oh, we drafted a joint statement.

[CLEARS THROAT]...
Dear Petula,

sorry and all that,
but I need to move on.

Thanks for the laughs.
Clint.

Dear Mum, I'll be home later.

If Pete rings, ask him
about that jacket.

I have gone up town for
them suede trainers.

Love Clint.

Reaction, Petula.

Well, how else could
it have ended, Carmel?

I opened his cage,
and away he flew.

I took the risk...

and paid the price.

As Gérard Depardieu said
to me that day in Deauville

"What's the point in
having a big nose

if you can't jam
a banana up it?"

I thank you all so very much.

[LOW TONE] And, God bless.

[BREAKS WIND]

And... cut.

Them bloomin' journalists, we've
never had our thermoses back.

I can't believe how quickly
they all left once it was over.

Back to normality, Doll.

Can you stick around girls, Twink!

Philippa is popping
in with Hannah.

They're keen to go ahead
with the filming apparently.

Can I have a word Bren?

I can't be in the documentary.

- What? In case you are ill you mean?
- Yeah.

I don't know what's
going to happen.

Could be the okay,
could be a load of treatment.

Well, they wouldn't film that.

That's just what they would film.

Well, tell 'em you
don't want to do it.

They can't film without
everyone's permission.

And be Mr. Unpopular.

How would I get any work
out of them after that?

You know how they are.

On a bad day,
it's like trying to fold gravy.

Tell 'em the real reason.

No, Bren.

They'd all be patting
me on the head

and knitting me balaclavas,
wouldn't they?

[SIGHS] Yeah. Well, suppose
I tell 'em I don't want to do it?

- They'll kill you.
- Do you reckon?

You'll lose a few friends, Bren.

Yeah. Probably would.

Probably will.

Well, I'll just have to will, won't I.

Look, don't you worry about it.

You got enough to worry about.

Go and track down them thermoses.
I'll see how it's looking.

Cheers mate!

So what do we reckon then
about this docusoap thing,

do you all want to go ahead?

Yeah, we do.

And we don't want you
messing it up again either.

I just wanted to say we're
definitely going ahead.

[DOLLY]: Oh, good!

But what we're looking for is the
one sort of central character

that the audience
can sort of latch onto.

You had one in binmen,
you had one in undertakers.

I'm screwing the lid down now.

Right. I'm screwing the lid down now.

So, I'm really sorry, but it's really
going to centre around one...

Oh, cripes.

One man.

Not Stan.

God, no. I mean Stan's sweet,
but he's sort of a waste of space.

Em, well Tony's not here.

You know, this man,
I just love him.

He's fun, and he's
down-to-earth

and sort of a bit vulnerable.

Can I just...

What Hannah specially liked

was him playing the theme tune
from Cagney & Lacey on his ocarina.

Not Harry from Packing!

The viewers will adore him.

I'm really sorry.

What are you grinning at?

Nothing, I'm really disappointed.