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'This is the story
2
00:00:22,597 --> 00:00:25,102
'of the Hitchhiker's Guide
To The Galaxy...
3
00:00:26,499 --> 00:00:28,363
'perhaps the most remarkable,
4
00:00:28,483 --> 00:00:30,594
'certainly the most successful book
5
00:00:30,714 --> 00:00:34,941
'ever to come out of
the great publishers of Ursa Minor.
6
00:00:35,517 --> 00:00:39,051
'More popular than
The Celestial Home Care Omnibus,
7
00:00:39,415 --> 00:00:43,748
'better selling than Fifty-three
More Things To Do In Zero Gravity,
8
00:00:43,971 --> 00:00:47,737
'and more controversial
than Oolon Colluphid's trilogy
9
00:00:47,857 --> 00:00:52,048
'of philosophical blockbusters,
Where God Went Wrong,
10
00:00:52,752 --> 00:00:55,159
'Some More
Of God's Greatest Mistakes
11
00:00:55,908 --> 00:00:59,040
'and Who Is
This God Person Anyway?
12
00:00:59,280 --> 00:01:02,287
'And in many
of the more relaxed civilisations
13
00:01:02,407 --> 00:01:04,848
'on the Outer Eastern Rim
of the Galaxy,
14
00:01:04,968 --> 00:01:07,526
'the Hitchhiker's Guide
has already supplanted
15
00:01:07,646 --> 00:01:10,182
'the great Encyclopaedia Galactica
16
00:01:10,302 --> 00:01:13,804
'as the standard repository
of all knowledge and wisdom,
17
00:01:14,439 --> 00:01:20,187
'for though it has many omissions
and contains much that is apocryphal,
18
00:01:20,307 --> 00:01:23,179
'it scores over
the older, more pedestrian work
19
00:01:23,299 --> 00:01:25,398
'in two important respects.
20
00:01:25,856 --> 00:01:32,080
'First, it is slightly cheaper
and, secondly, it has the words:
21
00:01:32,200 --> 00:01:35,524
'inscribed in large,
friendly letters on the cover.
22
00:01:37,591 --> 00:01:39,166
'To tell the story of the book,
23
00:01:39,286 --> 00:01:42,806
'it is best to tell the story of some
of those whose lives it affected.
24
00:01:43,241 --> 00:01:45,636
'A human from the planet Earth
was one of them,
25
00:01:46,329 --> 00:01:47,937
'though, as our story opens,
26
00:01:48,057 --> 00:01:49,910
'he no more knows his destiny
27
00:01:50,030 --> 00:01:53,431
'than a tea leaf knows the history
of the East India Company.
28
00:01:54,276 --> 00:01:58,691
'His name is Arthur Dent,
he is a six-foot-tall ape descendant,
29
00:01:58,811 --> 00:02:03,030
'and someone is trying to drive
a bypass through his home.'
30
00:02:55,706 --> 00:02:58,840
Come off it, Mr Dent -
you can't win, you know.
31
00:02:59,080 --> 00:03:01,562
You can't lie in front
of the bulldozers indefinitely.
32
00:03:01,682 --> 00:03:04,016
I'm game. We'll see who rusts first!
33
00:03:04,345 --> 00:03:09,520
You're going to have to accept it.
This bypass has got to be built.
34
00:03:09,760 --> 00:03:11,440
Why's it got to be built?
35
00:03:12,390 --> 00:03:14,022
What do you mean -
why's it got to be built?
36
00:03:14,142 --> 00:03:17,560
It's a bypass!
You've got to build bypasses.
37
00:03:17,800 --> 00:03:21,156
You were entitled to make suggestions
or protests at the appropriate time.
38
00:03:21,276 --> 00:03:23,000
Appropriate time?!
39
00:03:23,920 --> 00:03:27,160
The first I heard about it was
when a workman arrived yesterday.
40
00:03:27,752 --> 00:03:29,560
I thought
he'd come to clean the windows.
41
00:03:29,680 --> 00:03:31,622
He said
he'd come to demolish the house!
42
00:03:31,857 --> 00:03:34,400
He didn't tell me straightaway,
of course.
43
00:03:34,640 --> 00:03:37,950
He wiped a couple of windows
and charged me �5! Then he told me!
44
00:03:38,983 --> 00:03:41,907
But, Mr Dent,
the plans have been available
45
00:03:42,027 --> 00:03:44,426
in the planning office
for the last nine months!
46
00:03:44,546 --> 00:03:48,680
Yes, of course. As soon as I heard,
I went straight round to see them.
47
00:03:48,920 --> 00:03:53,760
You hadn't exactly gone out of
your way to draw attention to them!
48
00:03:54,000 --> 00:03:56,240
But the plans were on display!
49
00:03:56,480 --> 00:03:59,993
On display? I eventually
had to go down to the cellar!
50
00:04:00,113 --> 00:04:02,213
- That's the display department!
- With a torch!
51
00:04:02,333 --> 00:04:04,640
- No lights.
- No stairs!
52
00:04:04,760 --> 00:04:07,128
- But you did see the notice?
- Oh, yes.
53
00:04:07,248 --> 00:04:09,960
It was on display in the bottom
of a locked filing cabinet,
54
00:04:10,080 --> 00:04:15,160
in a disused lavatory with a sign
on the door, "Beware of the leopard!"
55
00:04:16,015 --> 00:04:17,953
Ever thought of going
into advertising?
56
00:04:23,972 --> 00:04:26,274
And you don't get me
like that either!
57
00:04:29,029 --> 00:04:30,960
Mr Dent...
58
00:04:31,181 --> 00:04:34,920
have you any idea how much damage
this bulldozer would suffer
59
00:04:35,040 --> 00:04:37,160
if I were to let it run over you?
60
00:04:38,383 --> 00:04:39,320
How much?
61
00:04:40,445 --> 00:04:41,302
None at all!
62
00:04:41,789 --> 00:04:44,960
'By a strange coincidence,
"None at all"
63
00:04:45,312 --> 00:04:49,296
'is exactly how much suspicion
the ape descendant Arthur Dent had
64
00:04:49,416 --> 00:04:52,980
'that one of his closest friends
was not descended from an ape,
65
00:04:53,100 --> 00:04:55,399
'but was in fact from a small planet
66
00:04:55,519 --> 00:04:58,165
'somewhere in the vicinity
of Betelgeuse.
67
00:05:01,086 --> 00:05:03,280
'Arthur Dent's failure
to suspect this
68
00:05:03,520 --> 00:05:07,800
'reflects the care with which his
friend blended into human society,
69
00:05:07,920 --> 00:05:12,581
'after a fairly shaky start,
when he first arrived 15 years ago.
70
00:05:12,701 --> 00:05:15,556
'The minimal research he had done
suggested to him
71
00:05:15,676 --> 00:05:19,794
'that the name Ford Prefect
would be nicely inconspicuous.
72
00:05:22,612 --> 00:05:26,457
'He will enter our story
in 30 seconds and say,
73
00:05:26,577 --> 00:05:28,005
"'Hello, Arthur."
74
00:05:29,578 --> 00:05:32,253
'The ape descendant
will greet him in return
75
00:05:32,373 --> 00:05:35,391
'but, in deference to a million years
of human evolution,
76
00:05:35,511 --> 00:05:37,728
'won't attempt to pick fleas off him.
77
00:05:39,457 --> 00:05:41,991
'Earthmen are not proud
of their ancestors
78
00:05:42,111 --> 00:05:44,572
'and never invite them to dinner.'
79
00:05:55,602 --> 00:05:56,413
Hello, Arthur.
80
00:05:57,367 --> 00:05:59,360
Ford, hi. How are you?
81
00:05:59,600 --> 00:06:00,425
Fine.
82
00:06:02,768 --> 00:06:06,080
Look, are you busy?
83
00:06:06,809 --> 00:06:10,531
Busy?! Well, I've just got
this bulldozer to lie in front of,
84
00:06:10,651 --> 00:06:14,132
or it'll knock my house down, but
otherwise... no, not especially. Why?
85
00:06:15,133 --> 00:06:19,480
- Good. Anywhere we can talk?
- What?
86
00:06:19,600 --> 00:06:21,744
- We've got to talk.
- Fine! Talk.
87
00:06:21,864 --> 00:06:25,360
And drink. It's vitally important
that we talk and drink. Now!
88
00:06:25,480 --> 00:06:28,345
- We'll go to the pub.
- You don't understand.
89
00:06:28,465 --> 00:06:30,363
He wants to knock my house down.
90
00:06:30,483 --> 00:06:33,415
- He can do it whilst you're away.
- I don't want him to!
91
00:06:36,359 --> 00:06:37,280
Ford? What's the matter?
92
00:06:37,400 --> 00:06:40,569
Nothing... nothing's the matter.
93
00:06:40,874 --> 00:06:43,120
I've got to tell you the most
important thing you've ever heard.
94
00:06:43,360 --> 00:06:46,880
- I've got to tell you NOW in the pub.
- Why?
95
00:06:47,000 --> 00:06:50,688
- Because you'll need a stiff drink!
- No! No! What about my house?
96
00:06:53,702 --> 00:06:55,720
- He wants to knock your house down?
- Yes.
97
00:06:55,840 --> 00:06:58,349
- But you're lying in the way?
- Exactly!
98
00:07:00,091 --> 00:07:01,676
I think we can come
to some arrangement.
99
00:07:05,097 --> 00:07:08,161
- Excuse me!
- Hello? Yes?
100
00:07:08,466 --> 00:07:10,169
Has Mr Dent come to his senses yet?
101
00:07:10,289 --> 00:07:13,344
Can we, for the moment,
assume he hasn't?
102
00:07:14,565 --> 00:07:15,800
Well?
103
00:07:16,726 --> 00:07:19,320
Can we also assume that he's going
to be staying there all day?
104
00:07:20,401 --> 00:07:21,120
So?
105
00:07:21,240 --> 00:07:26,013
So all your men are going to be
standing around, doing nothing.
106
00:07:28,513 --> 00:07:29,972
Could be, could be...
107
00:07:30,092 --> 00:07:33,812
If you're resigned to that, you
don't actually need him to lie there?
108
00:07:35,491 --> 00:07:38,289
Not as such. Not exactly "need"...
109
00:07:38,409 --> 00:07:43,440
So pretend he's there. Then we could
go to the pub. How does that sound?
110
00:07:44,443 --> 00:07:47,320
Er... that sounds
perfectly reasonable... I suppose.
111
00:07:47,440 --> 00:07:50,371
And if you want to pop off
for a quick one yourself later on,
112
00:07:50,891 --> 00:07:52,970
we'll always cover for you in return.
113
00:07:54,929 --> 00:07:57,818
Yes, thank you very much.
That's very kind.
114
00:07:59,203 --> 00:08:01,720
So if you'd just like to lie down...
115
00:08:03,042 --> 00:08:03,560
What?
116
00:08:03,680 --> 00:08:04,528
It's very simple.
117
00:08:04,648 --> 00:08:06,815
Mr Dent will stop lying in the mud
118
00:08:06,935 --> 00:08:10,560
- On condition that you take over.
- What?
119
00:08:10,977 --> 00:08:11,576
Sorry?
120
00:08:12,654 --> 00:08:16,920
You want me...
to come and lie down there?
121
00:08:17,160 --> 00:08:20,602
- Yes.
- In front of the bulldozer?
122
00:08:20,861 --> 00:08:23,820
- Yes.
- Instead of Mr Dent?
123
00:08:25,931 --> 00:08:28,373
- Yes.
- In the mud?
124
00:08:29,014 --> 00:08:32,196
In, as you say, the mud.
125
00:08:33,445 --> 00:08:38,328
In return for which, you will
take Mr Dent down to the pub?
126
00:08:38,704 --> 00:08:39,502
Yes.
127
00:08:40,822 --> 00:08:41,621
Promise?
128
00:08:42,572 --> 00:08:43,382
Promise.
129
00:08:45,439 --> 00:08:50,335
- Get up and let the man lie down.
- Thank you.
130
00:08:58,342 --> 00:09:02,295
And no sneaky knocking
Mr Dent's house down while he's away.
131
00:09:02,863 --> 00:09:05,579
The slightest thought
hadn't even begun to speculate
132
00:09:05,699 --> 00:09:08,127
about the merest possibility
of crossing my mind.
133
00:09:11,166 --> 00:09:13,808
- But can we trust him?
- To the end of the Earth.
134
00:09:13,928 --> 00:09:15,736
- Yes, but how far's that?
- About 12 minutes away.
135
00:09:15,856 --> 00:09:17,121
Come on.
We've got to get some alcohol.
136
00:09:19,699 --> 00:09:23,926
'Here's what the Encyclopaedia
Galactica has to say about alcohol.
137
00:09:24,567 --> 00:09:28,099
'It says that alcohol
is a colourless volatile liquid
138
00:09:28,219 --> 00:09:30,600
'formed by the fermentation of sugars,
139
00:09:30,720 --> 00:09:33,101
'and also notes
its intoxicating effect
140
00:09:33,221 --> 00:09:35,679
'on certain carbon-based lifeforms.
141
00:09:37,059 --> 00:09:40,887
'The Hitchhiker's Guide
To The Galaxy also mentions alcohol.
142
00:09:41,580 --> 00:09:43,960
'It says the:
143
00:09:56,984 --> 00:09:57,970
'... the effect of which
144
00:09:58,090 --> 00:10:01,340
'is like having your brain
smashed out with a slice of lemon...
145
00:10:02,115 --> 00:10:04,604
'wrapped round a large gold brick.
146
00:10:08,234 --> 00:10:09,607
'The Guide also tells you
147
00:10:09,727 --> 00:10:13,800
'on which planets the best Pan
Galactic Gargle Blasters are mixed,
148
00:10:14,040 --> 00:10:16,242
'how much
you can expect to pay for one
149
00:10:16,362 --> 00:10:20,168
'and what voluntary organisations
exist to help you rehabilitate.
150
00:10:21,122 --> 00:10:24,093
'The man who invented
this mind-pummelling drink
151
00:10:24,213 --> 00:10:28,349
'also invented the wisest remark
ever made, which was this:
152
00:10:38,010 --> 00:10:40,640
'His name is:
153
00:10:40,936 --> 00:10:43,578
'and we shall learn
more of his wisdom later.'
154
00:10:56,092 --> 00:10:59,280
Six pints of bitter. And quickly,
please. The world's about to end.
155
00:10:59,806 --> 00:11:01,760
Oh, yes, sir? Nice weather for it.
156
00:11:02,309 --> 00:11:05,291
- Going to the match today, sir?
- No. No point.
157
00:11:05,411 --> 00:11:07,280
Foregone conclusion, then?
158
00:11:07,520 --> 00:11:10,000
- Arsenal no chance?
- No, the world's about to end.
159
00:11:10,120 --> 00:11:14,712
Oh, yes, sir. So you said.
Lucky escape for Arsenal if it did.
160
00:11:15,080 --> 00:11:18,841
- No, not really.
- There you are, sir. Six pints.
161
00:11:22,319 --> 00:11:23,040
Keep the change.
162
00:11:23,280 --> 00:11:25,715
What? From a fiver? Thank you, sir!
163
00:11:25,835 --> 00:11:27,323
You've got ten minutes to spend it!
164
00:11:32,139 --> 00:11:35,910
What the hell's going on?
I'm losing my grip on the day.
165
00:11:36,030 --> 00:11:39,514
- Drink up. Three pints to go!
- Three pints? At lunchtime?
166
00:11:39,880 --> 00:11:42,480
Time is an illusion,
lunchtime doubly so.
167
00:11:43,083 --> 00:11:47,239
Send that in to the Reader's Digest.
There's a page for people like you!
168
00:11:47,787 --> 00:11:50,200
- Drink up.
- Why three pints?
169
00:11:50,875 --> 00:11:52,800
Muscle relaxant.
You're going to need it.
170
00:11:53,825 --> 00:11:55,363
Did I do something wrong this morning
171
00:11:55,483 --> 00:11:56,948
or has the world
always been like this,
172
00:11:57,068 --> 00:11:59,063
and I was too wrapped up
in myself to notice?
173
00:12:02,725 --> 00:12:03,970
I'll try to explain.
174
00:12:08,693 --> 00:12:10,477
- How long have we known each other?
- Er, five years, maybe six.
175
00:12:11,194 --> 00:12:14,385
Most of it made some kind
of sense at the time.
176
00:12:14,505 --> 00:12:19,594
How would you react if I told you
I'm not from Guildford after all,
177
00:12:19,714 --> 00:12:22,989
but from a small planet somewhere
in the vicinity of Betelgeuse?
178
00:12:23,297 --> 00:12:26,640
Why-do you think it's the sort
of thing you're likely to say?
179
00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:30,026
Drink up. The world is about to end.
180
00:12:30,814 --> 00:12:34,043
This must be Thursday. I never could
get the hang of Thursdays.
181
00:12:37,942 --> 00:12:39,973
'On this particular Thursday,
182
00:12:40,595 --> 00:12:42,960
'things were moving
through the ionosphere.
183
00:12:43,200 --> 00:12:45,362
'Many miles
above the surface of the planet,
184
00:12:46,208 --> 00:12:49,600
'several huge yellow slab-like
somethings...
185
00:12:50,008 --> 00:12:52,802
'huge as office blocks,
silent as birds,
186
00:12:53,084 --> 00:12:56,646
'they hung in the air exactly
the same way that bricks don't.
187
00:13:00,726 --> 00:13:03,626
'The planet was almost
totally oblivious of their presence.
188
00:13:03,861 --> 00:13:06,018
'They went unnoticed at Goonhilly,
189
00:13:06,138 --> 00:13:08,720
'they passed over Cape Canaveral
without a blip,
190
00:13:08,960 --> 00:13:12,360
'and Woomera and Jodrell Bank
looked straight through them;
191
00:13:12,600 --> 00:13:17,142
'a pity, because it was the sort
of thing they'd looked for for ages.
192
00:13:18,762 --> 00:13:21,833
'Arthur Dent, too,
had other things on his mind.'
193
00:13:23,296 --> 00:13:24,141
What's that?
194
00:13:24,600 --> 00:13:26,428
- They haven't started yet.
- Good.
195
00:13:26,548 --> 00:13:29,006
- Probably your house.
- What?
196
00:13:29,126 --> 00:13:33,480
- Five minutes to go.
- Damn you and your fairy stories!
197
00:13:33,720 --> 00:13:35,654
Stop, you vandals! You home wreckers!
198
00:13:35,774 --> 00:13:39,611
- You half-crazed Visigoths, stop!
- Arthur! Stop! It's pointless!
199
00:13:40,953 --> 00:13:43,968
Barman, quickly, can you just
give me four packets of peanuts?
200
00:13:44,088 --> 00:13:45,622
I'm just serving this gentleman.
201
00:13:45,742 --> 00:13:48,360
He's going to die shortly! Come on!
202
00:13:48,480 --> 00:13:49,901
Just a minute, sir.
203
00:13:51,990 --> 00:13:53,411
Do you mind, sir?
204
00:13:56,424 --> 00:13:58,232
Pork scratchings...
205
00:13:58,352 --> 00:14:00,416
- Peanuts! How much?
- What?
206
00:14:04,080 --> 00:14:05,015
Have it.
207
00:14:06,580 --> 00:14:08,247
Have it. Keep it!
208
00:14:09,840 --> 00:14:13,374
Is the world really
going to end this afternoon?
209
00:14:13,494 --> 00:14:16,028
Yes,
in just over 3 minutes and 5 seconds.
210
00:14:16,360 --> 00:14:20,000
- But isn't there anything we can do?
- No, nothing.
211
00:14:20,437 --> 00:14:24,320
I thought we were meant to lie down
or put a paper bag over our head.
212
00:14:24,560 --> 00:14:26,600
Yes, if you like.
213
00:14:26,840 --> 00:14:30,618
- Oh, will that help?
- No. Excuse me. I've got to go.
214
00:14:32,793 --> 00:14:33,791
Oh, well, then...
215
00:14:35,963 --> 00:14:37,466
Last orders, please!
216
00:14:40,158 --> 00:14:43,094
You pin-striped barbarians! I'll sue
the council for every penny it's got!
217
00:14:47,312 --> 00:14:50,040
I'll have you hung, drawn, quartered,
218
00:14:50,160 --> 00:14:52,960
and whipped and boiled... until...
219
00:14:53,080 --> 00:14:55,440
until you've had enough!
220
00:14:55,560 --> 00:14:59,295
Arthur, don't... There's no point.
There's only a minute or so left.
221
00:14:59,415 --> 00:15:00,434
And then I'll do it some more!
222
00:15:00,554 --> 00:15:05,732
I'll take all the little bits
and jump on them till I get blisters,
223
00:15:05,852 --> 00:15:11,090
or I think of something worse...
What the hell's that?
224
00:15:18,431 --> 00:15:20,545
Arthur, quick! Over here!
225
00:15:22,367 --> 00:15:23,680
What the hell is it?
226
00:15:23,800 --> 00:15:26,680
It's a fleet of flying saucers -
what do you think it is?
227
00:15:26,800 --> 00:15:27,845
Hold this.
228
00:15:27,965 --> 00:15:31,600
- What do you mean, flying saucers?
- A Vogon constructor fleet.
229
00:15:31,840 --> 00:15:34,062
- What?
- A Vogon constructor fleet.
230
00:15:34,182 --> 00:15:37,479
I picked up news of their arrival
a few hours ago on my sub-etha radio.
231
00:15:37,599 --> 00:15:42,200
I can't cope with this.
I'm going to have to have a lie-down.
232
00:15:42,320 --> 00:15:44,161
No, stay here. Stay calm.
233
00:15:44,281 --> 00:15:46,063
Take hold of this...
234
00:16:32,634 --> 00:16:35,100
People of Earth, attention, please!
235
00:16:40,325 --> 00:16:42,298
People of Earth, attention, please!
236
00:16:42,885 --> 00:16:44,705
This is Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz
237
00:16:44,825 --> 00:16:47,283
of the Galactic
Hyperspace Planning Council.
238
00:16:48,163 --> 00:16:49,460
As you are probably aware,
239
00:16:49,580 --> 00:16:54,760
the plans for the outlying regions of
the Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy
240
00:16:54,880 --> 00:16:58,600
require a hyperspace express route
to be built through your star system,
241
00:16:59,241 --> 00:17:02,440
and, regrettably, your planet is one
of those scheduled for demolition.
242
00:17:02,803 --> 00:17:06,120
The process will take slightly lessthan two of your Earth minutes.
243
00:17:07,457 --> 00:17:08,666
Thank you very much.
244
00:17:13,207 --> 00:17:19,040
- Get out of it!
- No! No! No! Go away!
245
00:17:21,484 --> 00:17:23,821
All the planning charts
and demolition orders
246
00:17:23,941 --> 00:17:27,830
have been on display in your local
planning department in Alpha Centauri
247
00:17:27,950 --> 00:17:29,800
for 50 Earth years,
248
00:17:29,920 --> 00:17:32,803
and so you've had plenty of timeto lodge any complaints...
249
00:17:32,923 --> 00:17:35,840
It's far too late to make a fuss now!
250
00:17:39,040 --> 00:17:41,697
What do you mean
you've never been to Alpha Centauri?
251
00:17:41,817 --> 00:17:46,040
Oh, for heaven's sake, mankind!
It's only four light years away!
252
00:17:46,594 --> 00:17:49,894
Sorry, but if you can't be bothered
to take an interest in local affairs,
253
00:17:50,014 --> 00:17:53,909
that's your own lookout!
Energise the demolition beam!
254
00:17:54,680 --> 00:17:58,137
God, I don't know! Apathetic bloodyplanet, I've no sympathy at all!
255
00:18:53,562 --> 00:18:55,560
- I bought some peanuts.
- Uh...?
256
00:18:56,058 --> 00:18:58,347
We've just been through
a matter-transference beam.
257
00:18:58,467 --> 00:19:01,040
You've lost some salt and protein.
258
00:19:01,280 --> 00:19:03,123
The beer should have helped.
259
00:19:03,986 --> 00:19:06,640
- How do you feel?
- Like a military academy.
260
00:19:06,880 --> 00:19:08,571
Bits of me keep passing out!
261
00:19:14,057 --> 00:19:18,671
Ford, if I asked you where
the hell we were, would I regret it?
262
00:19:19,845 --> 00:19:20,880
We're safe.
263
00:19:21,000 --> 00:19:22,170
Ah, good.
264
00:19:23,288 --> 00:19:26,470
We're in a cabin of one of the ships
of the Vogon constructor fleet.
265
00:19:26,727 --> 00:19:30,038
Ah, this is obviously
some strange usage of the word "safe"
266
00:19:30,158 --> 00:19:33,432
I wasn't previously aware of.
What are you doing?
267
00:19:33,708 --> 00:19:34,840
Looking for the light.
268
00:19:35,419 --> 00:19:39,280
- How did we get here?
- We hitched a lift.
269
00:19:39,744 --> 00:19:43,369
Excuse me! Are you telling me
we just stuck our thumbs out
270
00:19:43,489 --> 00:19:46,163
and some green bug-eyed monster said,
271
00:19:46,283 --> 00:19:49,559
"Hop in! I can take you
as far as Basingstoke roundabout"?
272
00:19:49,679 --> 00:19:52,120
Well, the thumb's a sub-etha device,
273
00:19:52,360 --> 00:19:54,880
and the roundabout's at Barnard's
Star, but that's more or less right.
274
00:19:55,000 --> 00:19:57,920
- And the bug-eyed monster?
- Is green!
275
00:19:58,868 --> 00:19:59,702
Fine.
276
00:20:00,646 --> 00:20:04,192
- When can I go home?
- You can't. Ah!
277
00:20:07,018 --> 00:20:11,040
Good grief! Is this really
the interior of a flying saucer?
278
00:20:11,398 --> 00:20:13,758
Yes. What do you think?
279
00:20:14,041 --> 00:20:16,060
It's a bit squalid, isn't it?
280
00:20:19,265 --> 00:20:24,667
- What the hell is it, Ford?
- Come on! Let's get out of here!
281
00:20:24,787 --> 00:20:26,745
It's going to attack us.
282
00:20:26,865 --> 00:20:30,107
No, no, no, it just wants us
to turn the lights out.
283
00:20:35,330 --> 00:20:36,352
Come on.
284
00:20:37,902 --> 00:20:41,200
Shh! Sleeping quarters.
We woke them up.
285
00:20:43,005 --> 00:20:44,640
Ford, they were...
286
00:20:45,947 --> 00:20:46,920
What?
287
00:20:47,160 --> 00:20:48,394
Aliens?
288
00:20:49,133 --> 00:20:50,120
Dentrassi.
289
00:20:52,159 --> 00:20:53,520
But, Ford...
290
00:20:54,559 --> 00:20:55,640
What's going on?
291
00:20:55,880 --> 00:20:58,677
- Here, have a look at this.
- What is it?
292
00:20:58,797 --> 00:21:01,728
The Hitchhiker's Guide
To The Galaxy, an electronic book.
293
00:21:01,848 --> 00:21:05,389
- It'll tell you everything.
- I like the cover. "Don't panic"!
294
00:21:05,509 --> 00:21:11,054
- First helpful thing anyone's said!
- That's why it sells so well. Shh!
295
00:21:11,174 --> 00:21:11,773
What?
296
00:21:18,114 --> 00:21:18,994
"Don't panic"!
297
00:21:19,863 --> 00:21:20,497
Look...
298
00:21:23,967 --> 00:21:25,751
Fast wind index... V.
299
00:21:25,986 --> 00:21:29,055
Vogon Constructor Fleets.
Enter that code and see what it says.
300
00:21:29,454 --> 00:21:30,630
I'll keep watch.
301
00:21:35,783 --> 00:21:38,084
Vogon Constructor Fleets:
302
00:22:31,360 --> 00:22:32,972
What an extraordinary book!
303
00:22:33,720 --> 00:22:36,513
- How did we get on board, then?
- The Dentrassi let us on board.
304
00:22:36,633 --> 00:22:39,240
- You said Bogons.
- Vogons.
305
00:22:39,360 --> 00:22:40,927
- Not Dentrassi?
- No.
306
00:22:41,161 --> 00:22:43,142
Dentrassi are
the in-flight caterers.
307
00:22:46,916 --> 00:22:51,319
Hey, Hagra biscuit! The greatest!
308
00:22:51,577 --> 00:22:56,728
You'll love these guys! They cook the
hoopiest frood food in the West Galaxy!
309
00:22:57,939 --> 00:22:59,840
Here, have a bite.
310
00:23:00,080 --> 00:23:03,981
Go on, try it. Your mouth will love
you for the rest of your life.
311
00:23:06,138 --> 00:23:08,428
It's revolting!
312
00:23:08,548 --> 00:23:11,633
Oh, come on!
This stuff is the greatest.
313
00:23:13,291 --> 00:23:14,582
Mmm!
314
00:23:21,609 --> 00:23:23,933
I think those guys
must really hate the Vogons.
315
00:23:24,944 --> 00:23:28,009
Now, remember this -
Dentrassi hate Vogons.
316
00:23:28,232 --> 00:23:31,690
That's why they let us on board.
Let's go!
317
00:23:34,574 --> 00:23:38,200
But if they let us on board,
why doesn't the Guide mention them?
318
00:23:39,310 --> 00:23:40,440
Oh, it's not very accurate.
319
00:23:40,680 --> 00:23:41,449
Oh?
320
00:23:42,795 --> 00:23:44,310
I'm researching the new edition.
321
00:23:49,844 --> 00:23:52,169
Ah, storeroom.
322
00:23:58,358 --> 00:23:59,638
Where are we going?
323
00:23:59,960 --> 00:24:03,177
Who knows?
Off this ship, that's for sure!
324
00:24:03,297 --> 00:24:06,911
We've only just arrived. Shouldn't we
say hello and thank you and things?
325
00:24:09,496 --> 00:24:12,640
Listen, this is a Vogon spaceship.
326
00:24:12,946 --> 00:24:15,480
We just pick up what we need
and get off it! Right?
327
00:24:16,160 --> 00:24:17,064
Right.
328
00:24:21,238 --> 00:24:23,211
- Stun guns.
- Any good?
329
00:24:23,774 --> 00:24:24,373
No.
330
00:24:28,791 --> 00:24:30,024
Ford, who are you?
331
00:24:30,144 --> 00:24:33,464
I told you -
I'm a field researcher for the Guide.
332
00:24:34,615 --> 00:24:35,661
Telecom systems.
333
00:24:39,538 --> 00:24:41,441
I got stuck on Earth
longer than I meant.
334
00:24:41,561 --> 00:24:43,695
Went for a week,
got stuck for 15 years.
335
00:24:47,817 --> 00:24:49,520
Telepsychic helmets.
336
00:24:49,933 --> 00:24:50,614
Huh-huh!
337
00:24:52,618 --> 00:24:54,788
How did you get here
in the first place?
338
00:24:54,908 --> 00:24:59,268
Easy. I got a lift with a teaser...
Hypno rays?
339
00:25:00,311 --> 00:25:01,744
Teasers?
340
00:25:02,036 --> 00:25:03,950
Rich kids with nothing to do.
341
00:25:04,070 --> 00:25:04,996
They cruise around the Galaxy
342
00:25:05,116 --> 00:25:08,941
Iooking for planets that no one's
made contact with yet and buzz them.
343
00:25:09,290 --> 00:25:12,284
- Buzz them?
- Yeah. They find some isolated spot,
344
00:25:12,566 --> 00:25:15,608
land right by some unsuspecting soul
that no one's ever going to believe,
345
00:25:15,728 --> 00:25:19,095
and strut up and down in front
of them, making beep-beep noises.
346
00:25:20,966 --> 00:25:22,222
Rather childish, really.
347
00:25:24,653 --> 00:25:25,628
Ah!
348
00:25:28,240 --> 00:25:30,110
A towel! Keep this.
349
00:25:30,230 --> 00:25:31,942
- Guard it with your life.
- Huh?
350
00:25:32,062 --> 00:25:34,521
Listen, it's a tough universe.
351
00:25:34,756 --> 00:25:39,425
All sorts of people trying to
kill you, rip you off, everything...
352
00:25:39,759 --> 00:25:41,379
If you're going to survive out there,
353
00:25:43,375 --> 00:25:45,137
you've really got to know
where your towel is.
354
00:25:47,680 --> 00:25:49,840
Now, fish.
355
00:25:51,484 --> 00:25:52,858
Huh?
356
00:25:53,809 --> 00:25:56,000
Fish. Over here, I think.
357
00:25:56,662 --> 00:25:57,718
Fish?
358
00:26:06,273 --> 00:26:06,880
Fish.
359
00:26:07,241 --> 00:26:09,637
- Very nice.
- Very, very useful.
360
00:26:15,380 --> 00:26:18,200
- What do I do with it?
- Stick it in your ear.
361
00:26:18,320 --> 00:26:22,986
It's only little!
Listen...
362
00:26:23,106 --> 00:26:24,982
- What?
- The Vogon captain.
363
00:26:25,102 --> 00:26:27,631
- But I can't speak Vogon.
- Put this in your ear!
364
00:26:28,124 --> 00:26:31,670
... should have a good time. Message repeat.
365
00:26:32,160 --> 00:26:35,920
This is your captain speaking, so pay attention.
366
00:26:36,806 --> 00:26:38,706
First of all,
I see from our instruments
367
00:26:38,826 --> 00:26:43,600
that we have a couple of hitchhiker's
on board. Hello, wherever you are!
368
00:26:44,112 --> 00:26:48,040
I just want to make it totally clearthat you are not at all welcome.
369
00:26:48,472 --> 00:26:50,526
I worked hard to get where I am today
370
00:26:50,646 --> 00:26:52,922
and I didn't become captain
of a Vogon ship
371
00:26:53,042 --> 00:26:57,516
simply to turn it into a taxi service
for a lot of degenerate freeloaders.
372
00:26:58,068 --> 00:26:59,653
I have sent out a search party
373
00:26:59,773 --> 00:27:02,127
and, as soon as they find you,
I shall turn you off the ship.
374
00:27:02,925 --> 00:27:06,683
If you're very lucky, I might read
you some of my poetry first.
375
00:27:07,634 --> 00:27:10,556
Secondly,
we are about to jump into hyperspace
376
00:27:10,676 --> 00:27:12,525
for the journey to Barnard's Star.
377
00:27:12,775 --> 00:27:17,720
We will stay in dock for 72 hours
and all planet leave is cancelled.
378
00:27:18,285 --> 00:27:19,858
I've just had an unhappy love affair,
379
00:27:19,978 --> 00:27:22,347
so I don't see why anybody else
should have a good time.
380
00:27:23,005 --> 00:27:25,482
- Message ends.
- Poetry?
381
00:27:26,468 --> 00:27:27,666
What are you doing?
382
00:27:27,786 --> 00:27:32,880
Preparing for hyperspace.
It's unpleasantly like being drunk.
383
00:27:33,256 --> 00:27:37,360
- What's so wrong about being drunk?
- Ask a glass of water. Lie down.
384
00:27:37,600 --> 00:27:41,739
- Grip the towel between your ankles.
- What?
385
00:27:41,859 --> 00:27:42,819
Just do it!
386
00:27:46,140 --> 00:27:46,986
Like this?
387
00:27:47,106 --> 00:27:47,925
Right.
388
00:27:50,598 --> 00:27:52,876
Now wait...
389
00:27:57,178 --> 00:28:00,680
What exactly am I doing
with this fish in my ear?
390
00:28:00,800 --> 00:28:04,488
It's translating for you.
Look in the book under Babel Fish.
391
00:28:10,202 --> 00:28:11,600
What's happening?
392
00:28:11,840 --> 00:28:15,360
We're going into hyperspace.
393
00:28:15,480 --> 00:28:19,840
I'll never be cruel
to a gin and tonic again!
394
00:30:14,924 --> 00:30:17,167
Hey, this towel's moved!
395
00:30:18,179 --> 00:30:23,288
Yes. That's a six-light-year jump.
Good.
396
00:30:23,408 --> 00:30:25,427
We must be near Barnard's Star.
397
00:30:25,547 --> 00:30:27,915
- We can jump a ship there.
- Can we?
398
00:30:28,326 --> 00:30:32,080
Ford, I hate to ask this,
but what am I doing here?
399
00:30:32,200 --> 00:30:34,936
Simple. I rescued you from the Earth.
400
00:30:35,370 --> 00:30:37,550
- What happened to the Earth?
- It's been disintegrated.
401
00:30:38,243 --> 00:30:41,872
- Has it?
- Yes. Just boiled away into space.
402
00:30:43,426 --> 00:30:46,702
Listen, I'm a bit upset about that...
403
00:30:49,856 --> 00:30:50,783
Oh, well...
404
00:30:51,879 --> 00:30:54,240
All gone? Nothing left?
405
00:30:55,546 --> 00:30:57,880
What about the book?
Maybe the book's got something!
406
00:31:00,637 --> 00:31:02,152
It doesn't seem to have an entry.
407
00:31:02,272 --> 00:31:04,794
Yes, it does-at the bottom.
408
00:31:04,914 --> 00:31:08,539
Under Eccentrica Gullumbits, the
triple-breasted whore of Eroticon 6.
409
00:31:08,876 --> 00:31:11,271
Oh, yes. What does it say?
410
00:31:11,893 --> 00:31:17,247
- Harmless.
One word? Harmless?
- Well, it's the old edition.
411
00:31:18,401 --> 00:31:20,960
There are 100 billion stars
in the Galaxy.
412
00:31:21,080 --> 00:31:25,970
- No one knew much about Earth then!
- I hope you managed to rectify that!
413
00:31:26,090 --> 00:31:32,040
- I sent a new entry to the editor.
- What does it say now?
414
00:31:32,469 --> 00:31:34,688
- Mostly harmless.
- Mostly harmless?
415
00:31:34,808 --> 00:31:38,371
I think that's pretty good coverage
for a disintegrated pile of rubble!
416
00:31:38,491 --> 00:31:40,650
That's meant to make me feel better?
417
00:31:43,161 --> 00:31:45,263
Come on! Let's get to the teleport.
418
00:31:53,375 --> 00:31:54,880
What's the hell's that?
419
00:31:55,120 --> 00:31:58,219
If we're lucky, it's a Vogon
come to throw us out into space.
420
00:31:58,339 --> 00:31:59,907
And if we're unlucky?
421
00:32:00,027 --> 00:32:03,593
The Vogon captain might want
to read us some of his poetry first.
34211
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