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1
00:00:27,530 --> 00:00:29,897
You can expect highs
in the mid-70s today
2
00:00:29,934 --> 00:00:32,334
and unless you're driving
a jet pack to work
3
00:00:32,369 --> 00:00:34,837
get used to the slow-and-go
traffic for your morning commute.
4
00:00:34,872 --> 00:00:36,601
Now onto more troubling news
5
00:00:36,640 --> 00:00:38,631
emerging from the Coolidge County
school district.
6
00:00:38,676 --> 00:00:40,906
Millions of dollars are missing
from the school coffers
7
00:00:40,945 --> 00:00:43,072
due to the district's sloppy
accounting procedures
8
00:00:43,114 --> 00:00:45,382
and no one can seem to
pinpoint the missing loot.
9
00:00:45,449 --> 00:00:48,111
District Chairwoman Olympia Parpadelle
had no comment,
10
00:00:48,152 --> 00:00:50,916
but county insiders blame
staff shortages, incompetence
11
00:00:50,955 --> 00:00:52,946
and a troubling climate
of corruption
12
00:00:52,990 --> 00:00:55,652
at a time when the county's children
continue to score
13
00:00:55,693 --> 00:00:58,218
at the bottom of statewide tests.
14
00:00:58,262 --> 00:00:59,991
Moving on to sports,
15
00:01:00,030 --> 00:01:02,021
it seems the chimpanzee
that interrupted
16
00:01:02,066 --> 00:01:04,330
Saturday's community college
baseball playoffs...
17
00:01:06,971 --> 00:01:09,201
Hey, you okay?
18
00:01:09,240 --> 00:01:11,208
Yeah.
19
00:01:11,242 --> 00:01:13,938
Same shit, different day, huh?
20
00:01:16,080 --> 00:01:18,913
Something like that, yeah.
21
00:01:18,949 --> 00:01:20,940
Yeah.
22
00:01:20,985 --> 00:01:22,816
# I wanted to #
23
00:01:24,523 --> 00:01:26,150
# To find another spot #
24
00:01:26,191 --> 00:01:29,160
# To pay you #
25
00:01:29,194 --> 00:01:30,923
# It's just that I forgot #
26
00:01:30,962 --> 00:01:33,328
# But nobody has the time #
27
00:01:33,365 --> 00:01:35,856
# To sit and blow my mind #
28
00:01:35,901 --> 00:01:38,267
# But I'm so ready #
29
00:01:38,303 --> 00:01:40,134
# To leave this shit behind #
30
00:01:40,172 --> 00:01:42,163
# And you've been
around the block #
31
00:01:42,207 --> 00:01:44,767
# More times than him #
32
00:01:44,810 --> 00:01:47,210
# And everybody catches you #
33
00:01:47,245 --> 00:01:49,270
# When you've got nothing #
34
00:01:49,314 --> 00:01:52,511
# But you're only 24 #
35
00:01:52,551 --> 00:01:54,917
# But you still want more #
36
00:01:54,953 --> 00:01:57,046
# And you gotta start over #
37
00:01:57,088 --> 00:01:59,556
- # Every time you close the door #
- Here you go.
38
00:01:59,591 --> 00:02:01,821
# But don't worry, baby #
39
00:02:01,860 --> 00:02:04,328
# There's another night waiting #
40
00:02:04,362 --> 00:02:06,830
# And maybe by the morning #
41
00:02:06,865 --> 00:02:11,029
# There'll be something
worth saving #
42
00:02:11,069 --> 00:02:16,097
# Then I'll say you made it #
43
00:02:16,141 --> 00:02:20,476
# Then I'll say
you made it #
44
00:02:20,513 --> 00:02:22,708
# Yeah. #
45
00:02:32,525 --> 00:02:34,891
# I wanted to find #
46
00:02:34,927 --> 00:02:37,395
# Another way to look at you #
47
00:02:37,430 --> 00:02:39,694
# But everybody's saying #
48
00:02:39,732 --> 00:02:41,996
# That I've got way too much
to lose #
49
00:02:42,034 --> 00:02:46,061
# So I hold you till the morning
meets the afternoon #
50
00:02:46,105 --> 00:02:48,596
# And you don't mind
that I leave #
51
00:02:48,641 --> 00:02:50,802
# You've got your things
to do #
52
00:03:00,353 --> 00:03:02,787
# But don't worry, baby #
53
00:03:02,822 --> 00:03:05,689
# There's another night waiting #
54
00:03:05,725 --> 00:03:08,023
# And maybe by the morning #
55
00:03:08,060 --> 00:03:12,121
# There'll be something
worth saving #
56
00:03:12,164 --> 00:03:16,158
# Then I'll say you made it #
57
00:03:16,203 --> 00:03:18,967
# Yeah #
58
00:03:38,325 --> 00:03:41,021
# But don't worry, baby #
59
00:03:41,061 --> 00:03:43,325
# There's another night waiting #
60
00:03:43,363 --> 00:03:46,127
# And maybe by the morning #
61
00:03:46,166 --> 00:03:50,193
# There'll be something worth saving #
62
00:03:50,237 --> 00:03:55,732
# Then I'll say you made it... #
63
00:04:31,846 --> 00:04:34,144
I failed you, Pop.
64
00:04:37,185 --> 00:04:40,712
Catherine, the bond market
is for pussies.
65
00:04:40,755 --> 00:04:44,213
Oh, God, what do the homosexuals
want now?
66
00:04:44,258 --> 00:04:47,352
Mr. Conroy to see you.
67
00:04:47,395 --> 00:04:49,158
Send him in.
68
00:04:52,734 --> 00:04:55,032
Jasper Macaveady
and Adelle Horowitz.
69
00:04:55,069 --> 00:04:57,663
Jasper Macaveady and
Adelle Horowitz.
70
00:04:57,705 --> 00:05:00,139
Oh, for fuck's sake.
71
00:05:08,584 --> 00:05:10,415
Okay.
72
00:05:23,932 --> 00:05:25,729
Scotch man, right?
73
00:05:25,768 --> 00:05:27,497
No, actually, I don't touch the stuff.
74
00:05:35,077 --> 00:05:37,136
Pinot then?
75
00:05:37,179 --> 00:05:39,044
Sure.
76
00:05:42,384 --> 00:05:45,217
Jasper poured gravy
all in my hair.
77
00:05:47,556 --> 00:05:49,649
I can see that.
78
00:05:51,326 --> 00:05:55,262
Jasper, where did you get gravy
at 8:00 AM?
79
00:05:58,167 --> 00:06:01,262
Jasper buddy, you know the drill.
80
00:06:01,304 --> 00:06:03,670
Go walk the railroad tracks
until lunch.
81
00:06:04,707 --> 00:06:07,437
Hey, I don't make the rules.
82
00:06:09,045 --> 00:06:12,139
Adelle, I don't know, honey.
83
00:06:12,182 --> 00:06:15,447
It will eventually dry, so...
84
00:06:19,789 --> 00:06:23,418
I'll call your mom.
She'll bring you some new clothes, okay?
85
00:06:23,460 --> 00:06:24,984
Oh, shit.
86
00:06:26,029 --> 00:06:28,429
No no no. I can't hug you.
87
00:06:28,465 --> 00:06:30,456
I can't hug you.
It's against policy.
88
00:06:30,500 --> 00:06:33,936
Plus I'll get gravy
all over my shirt.
89
00:06:35,338 --> 00:06:37,533
So, okay?
90
00:06:37,574 --> 00:06:38,939
What do you want?
91
00:06:42,011 --> 00:06:45,447
Do you want some grapefruit?
I got grapefruit.
92
00:07:00,498 --> 00:07:02,398
Look, Conroy, you know
93
00:07:02,433 --> 00:07:05,834
I can't discuss my dealings
with other parents,
94
00:07:05,870 --> 00:07:08,566
but if you want those kind of grades
for little Julie,
95
00:07:08,606 --> 00:07:10,335
it's gonna cost you
more than 10 Gs.
96
00:07:10,374 --> 00:07:14,936
Gigi Fenstermacher told me
she only paid $7500.
97
00:07:14,979 --> 00:07:17,038
Gigi Fenstermacher is a whore.
98
00:07:18,182 --> 00:07:19,706
And do you think I served her
99
00:07:19,750 --> 00:07:23,550
the 1986 Bouchemal Pinot
you're drinking?
100
00:07:23,587 --> 00:07:25,578
Let me answer that for you.
101
00:07:25,623 --> 00:07:28,251
No, I did not.
102
00:07:28,292 --> 00:07:31,557
I'm willing to pay $12,000.
103
00:07:31,595 --> 00:07:34,029
Now that's a substantial bribe,
Harper.
104
00:07:34,064 --> 00:07:36,897
I want you to guarantee
straight A's.
105
00:07:36,934 --> 00:07:39,698
Well,
106
00:07:39,737 --> 00:07:42,001
then I guess when little Julie
flunks out
107
00:07:42,039 --> 00:07:44,872
and she's selling her hot little body
for a hit of crystal meth,
108
00:07:44,909 --> 00:07:47,537
I'll have to be the one to tell her
that her cheapskate dad
109
00:07:47,578 --> 00:07:49,945
killed himself out of shame.
110
00:07:49,981 --> 00:07:52,711
That's all I'm prepared to pay,
111
00:07:52,751 --> 00:07:55,481
- nothing more.
- You can afford more.
112
00:07:55,520 --> 00:07:57,283
- Bartlett!
- Yes, sir.
113
00:07:57,322 --> 00:07:59,552
Playback.
114
00:08:02,427 --> 00:08:05,919
I'm willing to pay $12,000.
115
00:08:05,964 --> 00:08:08,330
Now that's a substantial
bribe, Harper.
116
00:08:08,366 --> 00:08:10,527
I want you to guarantee
straight A's.
117
00:08:12,470 --> 00:08:15,837
Hmm, bribing an elementary-school
principal.
118
00:08:15,874 --> 00:08:18,707
That's a serious crime, Conroy.
119
00:08:20,478 --> 00:08:22,878
$15,000.
120
00:08:22,914 --> 00:08:24,541
Do it.
121
00:08:35,493 --> 00:08:38,223
Me.
122
00:08:38,263 --> 00:08:41,096
Me me me me me!
123
00:08:48,774 --> 00:08:51,072
Go to the bank, deposit that
in my account.
124
00:08:51,110 --> 00:08:53,704
And wear the red wig this time.
125
00:08:53,746 --> 00:08:55,577
It makes your can look smaller.
126
00:08:55,615 --> 00:08:57,913
Okay.
127
00:08:57,950 --> 00:09:00,214
Harper, Rebecca Seberg
128
00:09:00,253 --> 00:09:02,483
from the school board
is on her way here.
129
00:09:02,521 --> 00:09:05,388
Something about
an emergency inspection.
130
00:09:06,859 --> 00:09:08,850
Is everything all right?
131
00:09:08,894 --> 00:09:12,591
Peaches and pearls, Melody.
Peaches and pearls.
132
00:09:16,035 --> 00:09:19,596
Yank my caddy from class, tell him
to meet me on the hopscotch squares.
133
00:09:23,809 --> 00:09:25,606
What?
134
00:09:25,645 --> 00:09:28,113
That ain't mine.
135
00:09:28,147 --> 00:09:30,377
Okay.
136
00:09:30,416 --> 00:09:32,008
Say it.
137
00:09:32,051 --> 00:09:34,451
It ain't yours.
138
00:09:35,855 --> 00:09:37,345
Good girl.
139
00:09:41,895 --> 00:09:44,455
This is your principal speaking.
Please be aware
140
00:09:44,498 --> 00:09:47,695
that an inspector from the district
will be on campus today.
141
00:09:47,734 --> 00:09:50,225
Carry on as usual.
No need to put on a show.
142
00:09:50,270 --> 00:09:52,830
Also, try not to eat the lead-based paint
143
00:09:52,873 --> 00:09:54,773
that's flaking off the walls
in the south wing.
144
00:09:54,808 --> 00:09:56,833
That is called poison.
145
00:09:56,877 --> 00:10:00,210
Due to budget cuts, PE clothes
will now be laundered every third Friday.
146
00:10:00,247 --> 00:10:02,181
And lastly, big thanks
to Bobby Templeton,
147
00:10:02,215 --> 00:10:04,581
shop class is canceled
till we find the finger.
148
00:10:04,618 --> 00:10:06,745
That is all.
149
00:10:06,787 --> 00:10:09,688
What?
150
00:10:09,723 --> 00:10:12,749
Are we gonna
learn anything today
151
00:10:12,793 --> 00:10:14,454
or are we just
gonna sit here again
152
00:10:14,494 --> 00:10:16,553
and watch you mope
about your divorce?
153
00:10:30,610 --> 00:10:32,908
You know what, Frankie?
154
00:10:32,946 --> 00:10:35,108
Why don't you go
fuck yourself?
155
00:10:38,720 --> 00:10:40,688
Yeah, Sarah.
156
00:10:40,722 --> 00:10:43,122
Why is Mr. Buchwald
sleeping in the gym?
157
00:10:43,157 --> 00:10:45,557
You like questions, Sarah?
158
00:10:45,593 --> 00:10:47,584
Yeah? Try this one.
159
00:10:47,628 --> 00:10:50,028
How do you think you're gonna
make it to third grade
160
00:10:50,064 --> 00:10:52,828
when you fill out your times tables
like a drunk retard?
161
00:10:55,937 --> 00:10:58,030
Mm,
162
00:10:58,072 --> 00:11:00,302
you know,
163
00:11:00,341 --> 00:11:02,935
when my uncle was my age
164
00:11:02,977 --> 00:11:04,968
he walked in on Aunt Sis
165
00:11:05,012 --> 00:11:07,071
screwing the tub-and-tile repairman.
166
00:11:07,115 --> 00:11:09,208
You know what he did?
167
00:11:09,250 --> 00:11:12,344
He hitchhiked all the way
from Sioux City, Iowa,
168
00:11:12,387 --> 00:11:14,582
to Annapolis, Maryland,
in one day.
169
00:11:14,622 --> 00:11:17,489
He dove into the Chesapeake
170
00:11:17,525 --> 00:11:19,925
and he just swam straight out.
171
00:11:19,961 --> 00:11:24,261
He just swam
and he swam and he swam.
172
00:11:26,167 --> 00:11:30,628
Next day the Coast Guard
found his body bobbing in the Atlantic.
173
00:11:32,975 --> 00:11:34,966
You think you kids
got some problems?
174
00:11:35,010 --> 00:11:37,308
Your favorite Saturday-morning
cartoon
175
00:11:37,346 --> 00:11:39,314
is preempted by figure skating?
176
00:11:39,348 --> 00:11:42,408
You try to fart and you get
a little poop in your pants?
177
00:11:42,451 --> 00:11:44,476
Give me a break.
178
00:11:44,520 --> 00:11:47,421
Try marriage.
179
00:11:48,824 --> 00:11:51,122
Yeah, Sarah, what?
180
00:11:51,160 --> 00:11:52,855
Can I go to the bathroom?
181
00:11:52,895 --> 00:11:55,489
Sweetie, you can go home
for all I care.
182
00:11:55,531 --> 00:11:58,500
Okay.
183
00:12:02,471 --> 00:12:04,462
Bye.
184
00:12:04,506 --> 00:12:06,497
Whatever.
185
00:12:19,988 --> 00:12:22,115
Don't get lazy, Walter.
186
00:12:22,157 --> 00:12:24,352
I'd go with the nine iron if I were you.
187
00:12:24,393 --> 00:12:28,763
Shut up, Walter.
You're not a real caddy.
188
00:12:43,413 --> 00:12:45,074
Is everything in place, Maurice?
189
00:12:45,114 --> 00:12:48,641
Like a jigsaw puzzle, my brother.
190
00:12:48,685 --> 00:12:53,179
And you're absolutely sure
they'll shut us down?
191
00:12:53,223 --> 00:12:57,091
Yeah, you got my vote
of no-confidentio
192
00:12:57,126 --> 00:13:00,220
and the inspector's report
which will be nothing short of God-awful.
193
00:13:00,263 --> 00:13:02,993
I'd say the coffin is all but shut
194
00:13:03,032 --> 00:13:06,001
on your pathetic excuse
for a school.
195
00:13:06,035 --> 00:13:08,799
Yes, sir, our master plan
is gonna make
196
00:13:08,838 --> 00:13:10,897
your parental kickbacks
look like peanuts.
197
00:13:10,940 --> 00:13:12,874
What about
Chairwoman Parpadelle?
198
00:13:12,909 --> 00:13:15,878
Why don't we burn that bridge
when we get to it?
199
00:13:15,912 --> 00:13:18,244
Don't sweat it.
She's rolling by later
200
00:13:18,281 --> 00:13:20,876
and she's the easiest bribe
in the district, brohan.
201
00:13:20,918 --> 00:13:22,112
Good work, Maurice.
202
00:13:22,152 --> 00:13:23,744
Thanks, man.
203
00:13:23,787 --> 00:13:25,687
Gotta tell you,
204
00:13:25,723 --> 00:13:28,123
in no time we're gonna be
hanging out
205
00:13:28,158 --> 00:13:30,718
in fucking Surinam
206
00:13:30,761 --> 00:13:33,195
snorting blow
off a walrus's cock.
207
00:13:33,230 --> 00:13:36,825
Hey,
208
00:13:36,867 --> 00:13:40,496
you want to get beer later
or something?
209
00:13:40,538 --> 00:13:43,939
We could get, like,
a cocktail.
210
00:13:43,974 --> 00:13:46,238
What do you think, Maurice?
211
00:13:46,277 --> 00:13:48,268
No.
212
00:13:54,351 --> 00:13:56,376
Later.
213
00:14:06,263 --> 00:14:08,697
You're my only friend.
214
00:14:12,803 --> 00:14:14,270
Harper.
215
00:14:14,305 --> 00:14:18,037
Uh, excuse me, Harper.
216
00:14:18,076 --> 00:14:21,807
Hey, you... you have time
for a chat?
217
00:14:21,846 --> 00:14:25,373
It has to do
with an inspection later.
218
00:14:26,451 --> 00:14:28,919
Come with me.
219
00:14:43,268 --> 00:14:45,099
What do you know?
220
00:14:45,136 --> 00:14:46,967
Nothing.
221
00:14:47,005 --> 00:14:49,132
Same with the faculty.
We're all in the dark.
222
00:14:49,174 --> 00:14:51,369
Here's your brunch, sir.
223
00:14:52,644 --> 00:14:54,236
A hard-boiled egg?
224
00:14:54,279 --> 00:14:57,908
No, I'm good.
225
00:15:03,788 --> 00:15:06,018
It's for the greater good
that no one knows,
226
00:15:06,057 --> 00:15:08,048
including you, Tommy.
227
00:15:08,093 --> 00:15:11,860
Yeah, but I'm the vice principal.
228
00:15:11,897 --> 00:15:15,856
I mean, this is something
I should be let in on.
229
00:15:17,003 --> 00:15:18,994
It's a public elementary school, Tom,
230
00:15:19,038 --> 00:15:21,438
not some third-rate Montessori.
231
00:15:21,474 --> 00:15:25,376
Things get hairy
when there are too many chiefs
232
00:15:25,411 --> 00:15:28,505
and not enough
itty-bitty little Indians.
233
00:15:28,547 --> 00:15:31,607
Okay, vice principal?
234
00:15:34,720 --> 00:15:36,210
I like you, Tom.
235
00:15:39,458 --> 00:15:42,188
I know your past, Tom.
236
00:15:43,729 --> 00:15:45,754
Don't be a hero.
237
00:16:01,681 --> 00:16:03,649
Back to class, Sarah.
238
00:16:24,171 --> 00:16:27,004
Oh, hey.
239
00:16:27,040 --> 00:16:29,008
Yeah, look at you.
240
00:16:29,042 --> 00:16:31,101
Rebecca Seberg.
241
00:16:31,144 --> 00:16:32,736
Yeah, the inspector.
242
00:16:32,779 --> 00:16:36,078
Well, look, do it.
Inspect away.
243
00:16:36,116 --> 00:16:38,607
I'll tell you what you'll find, though...
244
00:16:38,652 --> 00:16:42,782
a school on the brink,
a school beyond all hope,
245
00:16:42,823 --> 00:16:45,417
Old Yeller,
246
00:16:45,459 --> 00:16:48,485
but not a dog.
247
00:16:48,528 --> 00:16:50,018
Wow.
248
00:16:50,063 --> 00:16:54,227
It's rare to find
that kind of optimism these days.
249
00:16:56,303 --> 00:16:58,237
Sarcasm.
250
00:16:58,271 --> 00:17:00,739
You know what that is?
251
00:17:00,774 --> 00:17:03,141
Lobstergram,
252
00:17:03,177 --> 00:17:06,977
yeah, from Uncle Plimpton
back in Nantucket.
253
00:17:07,014 --> 00:17:10,108
Lobsters are
254
00:17:10,151 --> 00:17:12,346
arthropods,
255
00:17:12,386 --> 00:17:15,150
crustaceans,
cockroaches of the sea,
256
00:17:15,189 --> 00:17:17,851
but for all that
they are spineless,
257
00:17:17,892 --> 00:17:21,623
literally exoskeleton.
258
00:17:21,662 --> 00:17:24,529
I'm not sure
I follow the analogy.
259
00:17:24,565 --> 00:17:27,898
And I'm not saying
there was one.
260
00:17:32,240 --> 00:17:34,674
Maybe now there is.
261
00:17:45,219 --> 00:17:47,210
Listen, toots,
262
00:17:47,255 --> 00:17:50,053
you spend all day in your
fancy-Nancy administration building,
263
00:17:50,091 --> 00:17:52,685
but this isn't basic training, okay?
This is live fire.
264
00:17:52,727 --> 00:17:54,786
And I should know.
I was in 'Nam...
265
00:17:55,997 --> 00:17:58,694
three years ago
on vacation, fine.
266
00:17:58,734 --> 00:18:02,192
But the point is, I knew
when that war was lost,
267
00:18:02,237 --> 00:18:05,434
just like I know these kids
are pretty much retarded.
268
00:18:05,474 --> 00:18:08,807
And a retard's kind of like
a dying dog.
269
00:18:08,844 --> 00:18:11,779
All they're good for is a laugh
270
00:18:11,814 --> 00:18:14,942
and a kickin'.
271
00:18:16,351 --> 00:18:19,787
And a kickin'. Got that?
272
00:18:19,822 --> 00:18:22,723
I'm gonna look around
if you don't mind.
273
00:18:22,758 --> 00:18:24,817
Boom. Do it.
274
00:18:29,565 --> 00:18:32,693
Okay, and lastly, we need a noun.
Basil.
275
00:18:32,734 --> 00:18:34,497
Proxy fight.
276
00:18:39,341 --> 00:18:41,866
Here we go.
277
00:18:43,445 --> 00:18:46,812
Lately my dad's mistresses
278
00:18:46,849 --> 00:18:50,876
are quite alfresco...
279
00:18:50,919 --> 00:18:53,616
that's a great word, Calvin, okay...
280
00:18:53,656 --> 00:18:56,124
but battle cruisers like that,
281
00:18:56,159 --> 00:18:58,787
especially my snuffalupagus
282
00:18:58,828 --> 00:19:01,797
kind of booger time... what?
283
00:19:01,831 --> 00:19:04,823
- just can't gestate the proxy fight!
284
00:19:06,236 --> 00:19:08,033
What?
285
00:19:08,071 --> 00:19:10,232
You guys, what did we
just come up with?
286
00:19:11,574 --> 00:19:13,565
We are funny.
I'm glad that we don't suck.
287
00:19:13,610 --> 00:19:16,408
It's nice not to suck.
288
00:19:16,446 --> 00:19:19,415
Yeah. Don't I know it, Mernay?
Don't I know it?
289
00:19:19,449 --> 00:19:21,212
What luck not to suck
290
00:19:21,251 --> 00:19:23,719
like a duck stuck in the muck!
291
00:19:23,753 --> 00:19:25,084
Did you see what I did?
292
00:19:25,121 --> 00:19:27,646
I rhymed it.
293
00:19:29,459 --> 00:19:31,586
Oh, well.
294
00:19:31,628 --> 00:19:34,620
What's wrong, Turner?
295
00:19:34,664 --> 00:19:37,963
Well, if I just had
a little more love in this world
296
00:19:38,001 --> 00:19:40,265
then everything
would be perfect.
297
00:19:40,303 --> 00:19:42,203
But we love you.
298
00:19:43,506 --> 00:19:45,474
And I love you, Basil.
299
00:19:45,508 --> 00:19:49,104
I love all you guys, honestly,
so much.
300
00:19:49,146 --> 00:19:51,546
It's just
301
00:19:51,582 --> 00:19:54,107
I'm talking about
a different kind of love,
302
00:19:54,151 --> 00:19:57,712
the kind of love that's wet
and smells a little.
303
00:19:57,755 --> 00:20:01,247
You see, guys,
there's so much love in my heart
304
00:20:01,292 --> 00:20:04,489
that sometimes it overflows
305
00:20:04,528 --> 00:20:07,793
and all the wrong stuff
comes bursting out.
306
00:20:10,701 --> 00:20:12,532
All right, Rinaldo, all right.
307
00:20:12,569 --> 00:20:15,129
It's time for you to get hungry, okay?
It's just round three.
308
00:20:15,172 --> 00:20:17,766
You gotta take this round,
and then you got just 12 more,
309
00:20:17,808 --> 00:20:19,639
12 more rounds after this
to make it up.
310
00:20:19,677 --> 00:20:21,668
Sack up, all right?
311
00:20:46,004 --> 00:20:48,768
Oh, shit.
312
00:20:48,807 --> 00:20:51,640
Yeah, come in.
313
00:21:13,698 --> 00:21:16,633
I don't want to be alive anymore.
314
00:21:16,668 --> 00:21:18,499
Rebecca.
315
00:21:18,536 --> 00:21:20,504
Oh my God, Tom.
316
00:21:20,538 --> 00:21:23,974
It's not poop.
It's gravy.
317
00:21:27,412 --> 00:21:29,505
Okay, that's okay. Have a seat.
There you go.
318
00:21:29,547 --> 00:21:31,014
You had a couple of good shots
in there.
319
00:21:31,049 --> 00:21:33,040
You got anything
you want to let out there?
320
00:21:33,084 --> 00:21:36,576
No? Okay.
All right, Rinaldo, listen up, okay?
321
00:21:36,621 --> 00:21:40,786
It's make-or-break time for you.
It is not just about this match.
322
00:21:40,826 --> 00:21:44,523
This is about your manhood, okay?
This is Live 101.
323
00:21:44,563 --> 00:21:47,623
If you let a girl beat you now,
they will keep beating you
324
00:21:47,666 --> 00:21:51,102
until your prostate is swollen
to the size of a pine cone
325
00:21:51,137 --> 00:21:53,799
in some Chinamen-owned Wal-Mart.
Is that what you want?
326
00:21:53,839 --> 00:21:56,672
You know what? Do you want
to end up like me and Mrs. Buchwald?
327
00:21:56,709 --> 00:21:59,439
You want to end up eating broccoli
and cheddar hot pockets
328
00:21:59,478 --> 00:22:01,878
every morning for breakfast?
No, you do not want...
329
00:22:01,914 --> 00:22:05,042
that's a negatory, Rinaldo Retanovich.
You do not want that.
330
00:22:05,084 --> 00:22:07,882
Now I want you to get out there
331
00:22:07,920 --> 00:22:11,219
and you punch that girl, okay?
332
00:22:11,257 --> 00:22:15,353
I want you to punch her
right in her happiness, all right?
333
00:22:15,394 --> 00:22:18,625
Get up there.
All right, ring it.
334
00:22:18,731 --> 00:22:21,256
Shut us down?
335
00:22:21,333 --> 00:22:23,096
But why?
336
00:22:23,135 --> 00:22:26,571
Tom, I mean,
where do I begin?
337
00:22:26,605 --> 00:22:29,540
Well, yeah, but...
338
00:22:35,148 --> 00:22:36,809
Oh, you want one?
339
00:22:36,850 --> 00:22:39,717
Oh, no no. It's just...
340
00:22:39,753 --> 00:22:41,414
have you always smoked?
341
00:22:42,456 --> 00:22:43,946
What is this, Salem?
342
00:22:43,990 --> 00:22:46,754
Oh, no no, it's just I...
343
00:22:46,793 --> 00:22:49,353
Gonna have yourself
a little witch hunt?
344
00:22:49,396 --> 00:22:51,421
No, not at all.
Not at all.
345
00:22:51,465 --> 00:22:53,695
Look, Tom, everybody knows
346
00:22:53,733 --> 00:22:56,327
that your school has
the lowest scores in the state.
347
00:22:58,939 --> 00:23:01,407
Huh-uh.
What about Petersburg Prep?
348
00:23:01,441 --> 00:23:03,671
Their scores are lower than ours.
349
00:23:03,710 --> 00:23:06,076
And everyone knows
about their heroin problem.
350
00:23:06,113 --> 00:23:09,571
Those clouds are laughing at me.
351
00:23:11,384 --> 00:23:13,784
Tie me off, bro.
352
00:23:13,820 --> 00:23:16,482
I'm sorry, Tom.
353
00:23:16,523 --> 00:23:19,583
I think my inspection
is just some sort of formality.
354
00:23:22,629 --> 00:23:24,392
Perfect.
355
00:23:24,431 --> 00:23:28,368
I don't know anymore.
356
00:23:28,402 --> 00:23:30,393
I just wish God or whoever
357
00:23:30,438 --> 00:23:32,429
would give me
some sort of sign,
358
00:23:32,473 --> 00:23:35,442
show me what to do
with my life.
359
00:23:43,618 --> 00:23:45,745
Wow.
360
00:23:45,786 --> 00:23:48,414
You know what, though?
It all makes sense.
361
00:23:48,456 --> 00:23:49,946
This is the story of my life.
362
00:23:49,991 --> 00:23:52,653
I mean, in third grade
I wanted to be an astronaut
363
00:23:52,693 --> 00:23:54,923
and then the Challenger
blew up.
364
00:23:54,962 --> 00:23:58,090
You'll be fine.
You have a backup career, right?
365
00:23:58,132 --> 00:24:01,067
This was my second backup career.
366
00:24:01,102 --> 00:24:03,366
I've just got
to finally face it.
367
00:24:03,404 --> 00:24:05,304
I'm finished.
368
00:24:05,339 --> 00:24:07,136
Jesus, Tom,
snap out of it.
369
00:24:07,175 --> 00:24:09,609
You used to be, like,
the world's biggest optimist.
370
00:24:09,644 --> 00:24:12,112
Yeah, well, I've figured out
371
00:24:12,146 --> 00:24:15,081
that the world
has got most of us by the balls.
372
00:24:15,116 --> 00:24:18,017
All we can do is try and keep
our shrieking to a minimum.
373
00:24:18,052 --> 00:24:19,883
So turn it around.
374
00:24:19,921 --> 00:24:22,515
You take the world
by the balls for a change.
375
00:24:22,557 --> 00:24:25,322
The world is just
376
00:24:25,360 --> 00:24:27,351
one giant hairy ball.
377
00:24:27,396 --> 00:24:29,694
It's so unmanageable.
378
00:24:29,731 --> 00:24:32,461
Look, the district's closing
the school today
379
00:24:32,501 --> 00:24:33,991
and something doesn't smell right.
380
00:24:34,036 --> 00:24:35,697
It's the gravy.
381
00:24:35,737 --> 00:24:39,730
No, it's Billings.
He's got something up his sleeve.
382
00:24:39,775 --> 00:24:42,539
Alas, Pangaea was no more.
383
00:24:42,578 --> 00:24:44,569
So take cover as continental drift
384
00:24:44,613 --> 00:24:48,481
continues to shake things up
all around the world.
385
00:24:48,517 --> 00:24:51,782
In conclusion, I hope
that you have all found
386
00:24:51,820 --> 00:24:55,187
the phenomenon
of plate tectonics
387
00:24:55,224 --> 00:24:56,919
very moving.
388
00:25:04,866 --> 00:25:09,303
Wow, that was really great, Otis.
389
00:25:09,338 --> 00:25:12,466
I didn't assign it but, you know,
that was spectacular.
390
00:25:14,276 --> 00:25:15,709
Yes, Sarah.
391
00:25:15,744 --> 00:25:18,908
Joanne McVickers has boobs.
When will I get boobs?
392
00:25:18,948 --> 00:25:21,610
When you can afford them.
393
00:25:21,651 --> 00:25:26,111
Mrs. Buchwald, aren't you gonna
at least try to teach us something?
394
00:25:27,457 --> 00:25:29,254
Does it really matter, Frankie?
395
00:25:29,292 --> 00:25:32,887
I mean, this ain't Rutgers, okay?
It's the second grade.
396
00:25:32,929 --> 00:25:35,261
The only thing I remember
from second grade
397
00:25:35,298 --> 00:25:37,596
is my hymen breaking
during a tetherball game.
398
00:25:37,634 --> 00:25:39,625
Maybe if you'd paid more attention
399
00:25:39,669 --> 00:25:42,297
your life wouldn't have turned out
to be such total garbage.
400
00:25:42,338 --> 00:25:45,136
All right, that's it.
That's the ballgame.
401
00:25:45,174 --> 00:25:48,473
Your choice... you can either
go to the principal's office
402
00:25:48,511 --> 00:25:51,947
or I'll handcuff you
to Smelly Alice again.
403
00:25:53,449 --> 00:25:55,713
Just because you're miserable
404
00:25:55,752 --> 00:25:58,152
doesn't mean the rest of us
have to be too.
405
00:26:01,791 --> 00:26:04,282
What a sad old sack you've become,
Laura Buchwald.
406
00:26:09,532 --> 00:26:10,760
Look around you, Tom.
407
00:26:10,800 --> 00:26:13,395
This isn't a Del Taco shutting down.
It's a school.
408
00:26:13,437 --> 00:26:15,564
It's an incubator
for the youth of America.
409
00:26:15,606 --> 00:26:18,439
Whatever happened to respect
for your goddamn elders?
410
00:26:18,475 --> 00:26:21,467
She just went
through a tough divorce.
411
00:26:21,512 --> 00:26:23,537
Bitch!
412
00:26:25,349 --> 00:26:28,807
Well, thanks for the pep talk,
Rebecca,
413
00:26:28,852 --> 00:26:32,219
but sometimes you've just got
to flush the baby down
414
00:26:32,256 --> 00:26:34,816
with all the other crap
in the toilet, you know?
415
00:26:37,194 --> 00:26:39,355
Wanna...?
416
00:26:40,397 --> 00:26:43,366
It's Harper. Leave a message.
417
00:26:43,400 --> 00:26:45,425
Hey, Harper, it's Maurice.
418
00:26:45,469 --> 00:26:48,370
Hey, man about earlier...
I'm like...
419
00:26:48,405 --> 00:26:50,771
I don't even know
what I was thinking.
420
00:26:50,808 --> 00:26:52,742
Honestly,
421
00:26:52,776 --> 00:26:56,234
I don't ever
like beer, so...
422
00:26:56,280 --> 00:26:59,408
I mean, so yeah.
423
00:26:59,450 --> 00:27:02,317
Well, you know, I just wanted
to get that off my chest.
424
00:27:02,353 --> 00:27:05,618
So I think we're good.
I think we're square.
425
00:27:05,656 --> 00:27:09,388
So call me back.
Or don't. You don't have to.
426
00:27:09,427 --> 00:27:12,328
You don't even have to
call me back, 'cause we're good.
427
00:27:12,364 --> 00:27:14,355
Cool.
428
00:27:14,399 --> 00:27:16,424
Coolio. Holla.
429
00:27:23,842 --> 00:27:26,367
Oh, shit.
Look at her go.
430
00:27:26,411 --> 00:27:30,279
All right, all right.
431
00:28:04,316 --> 00:28:06,079
Recess!
432
00:28:06,118 --> 00:28:08,109
Recess.
433
00:28:30,142 --> 00:28:31,803
Not again.
434
00:28:35,281 --> 00:28:38,307
Hey, that punk didn't pay you
for your smack.
435
00:28:38,350 --> 00:28:40,545
Dang!
436
00:28:40,586 --> 00:28:44,147
I'm gonna blow his brains out.
Pow pow pow!
437
00:28:44,190 --> 00:28:46,454
What the hell are they doing?
438
00:28:46,492 --> 00:28:50,121
Oh, just playing a little drive-by.
439
00:28:52,598 --> 00:28:56,432
They took all the rock-climbing walls
after the lawsuit, so...
440
00:28:56,469 --> 00:28:59,268
And you're okay with all this?
441
00:29:00,507 --> 00:29:03,237
The school's getting
shut down anyway, right?
442
00:29:07,781 --> 00:29:10,375
Remember when we had
kick-boxing in fourth grade
443
00:29:10,417 --> 00:29:13,648
and that douche bag Matt Bonner
beat the crap out of me?
444
00:29:13,687 --> 00:29:16,952
It was you that said,
"Nothing is impossible.
445
00:29:16,990 --> 00:29:19,015
Go down fighting."
446
00:29:22,329 --> 00:29:24,889
I still have that weird click
in my knee from when he took me out,
447
00:29:24,931 --> 00:29:26,922
but you were right...
448
00:29:26,967 --> 00:29:29,333
in theory or something.
449
00:29:29,369 --> 00:29:33,738
The point is, Tom,
don't give up on these kids.
450
00:29:35,842 --> 00:29:38,242
Sorry, is that...?
451
00:29:38,278 --> 00:29:40,803
Pain pills.
452
00:29:40,847 --> 00:29:42,576
I have back problems.
453
00:29:42,616 --> 00:29:44,641
And the...?
454
00:29:46,353 --> 00:29:49,151
It's whiskey, Tom. I have to
wash it down with something.
455
00:29:51,091 --> 00:29:53,082
What, is this Nuremberg?
456
00:29:53,126 --> 00:29:57,928
It's not like I'm rendering fat of Jews
to make soap and candles.
457
00:29:57,965 --> 00:30:00,456
So?
458
00:30:02,403 --> 00:30:05,065
Okay, fine.
If it'll make you happy
459
00:30:05,106 --> 00:30:07,506
I'll go speak with the faculty.
460
00:30:07,542 --> 00:30:09,874
I don't think it's gonna do
any good.
461
00:30:38,372 --> 00:30:41,398
It just took me a while
to come to terms with it, you know?
462
00:30:41,442 --> 00:30:43,433
Maybe she was a guy,
463
00:30:43,477 --> 00:30:45,206
maybe she was a girl,
464
00:30:45,246 --> 00:30:47,806
but at the end of the day
465
00:30:47,848 --> 00:30:50,784
why am I gonna get so upset
about a blowjob?
466
00:30:52,988 --> 00:30:54,956
Hey, everybody.
467
00:30:56,425 --> 00:30:59,553
Hey, you guys, if I can
get your attention just for a...
468
00:30:59,595 --> 00:31:02,587
hi!
469
00:31:02,631 --> 00:31:05,828
I... I have some bad news
470
00:31:05,867 --> 00:31:08,131
to share with everyone.
471
00:31:08,170 --> 00:31:10,832
The district
might shut us down today.
472
00:31:13,275 --> 00:31:15,539
Okay, maybe you guys
didn't hear me.
473
00:31:15,577 --> 00:31:19,570
Geraldine Ferraro might shut down,
474
00:31:19,615 --> 00:31:21,344
and permanently this time,
475
00:31:21,383 --> 00:31:24,716
not like that incident with Diarrhea Teddy
and the hazmat team.
476
00:31:24,753 --> 00:31:26,914
That was great.
477
00:31:26,955 --> 00:31:29,480
Now look, I don't want to have to
assert myself...
478
00:31:29,524 --> 00:31:32,084
Assert yourself?
With what authority?
479
00:31:34,196 --> 00:31:36,687
Haven't you figured it out, Tom?
480
00:31:36,732 --> 00:31:39,462
You're a figurehead, a veep.
481
00:31:39,501 --> 00:31:41,492
You're Spiro fucking Agnew.
482
00:31:41,536 --> 00:31:43,367
All hat and no cattle, Tommy.
483
00:31:43,405 --> 00:31:46,375
Okay, I'm just trying to help.
484
00:31:46,409 --> 00:31:48,502
Well, we don't need your help.
485
00:31:48,544 --> 00:31:51,172
What do you think will happen
to the school if it's shuttered, huh?
486
00:31:51,214 --> 00:31:53,205
You think we'll lose our jobs?
487
00:31:53,249 --> 00:31:57,117
Well, I got tenure, bitch.
We all have,
488
00:31:57,153 --> 00:31:59,144
except for two people...
489
00:31:59,188 --> 00:32:01,816
this guy
490
00:32:01,858 --> 00:32:04,656
and you, Tom.
491
00:32:04,694 --> 00:32:07,857
Keep your nose in the roses
and out of the smelly stuff.
492
00:32:07,897 --> 00:32:10,627
You're the smelly stuff?
493
00:32:10,667 --> 00:32:14,000
Yeah, I'm the smelliest stuff
there is, Tom,
494
00:32:14,037 --> 00:32:16,733
the smelliest stuff
this side of Dixie.
495
00:32:16,773 --> 00:32:18,570
Guess what side of Dixie
we're on.
496
00:32:26,549 --> 00:32:28,676
So that was useless.
497
00:32:29,886 --> 00:32:32,753
Are you just gonna stop there?
What would your father say?
498
00:32:34,157 --> 00:32:35,317
That's a low blow.
499
00:32:35,358 --> 00:32:39,089
Maybe it wasn't low enough.
What would your dead father say?
500
00:32:39,128 --> 00:32:40,687
Jesus, Rebecca.
501
00:32:40,731 --> 00:32:43,928
"Jesus, Rebecca" yourself.
Get angry, Tom.
502
00:32:43,967 --> 00:32:46,401
What does it take
to rile you up anymore?
503
00:32:46,437 --> 00:32:48,371
What happened to you that day?
504
00:32:48,405 --> 00:32:50,168
I don't want to talk about it.
505
00:32:57,014 --> 00:32:59,107
Hey.
506
00:32:59,149 --> 00:33:00,707
Thanks for the grapefruit.
507
00:33:00,751 --> 00:33:03,185
It was the best ever.
508
00:33:03,220 --> 00:33:07,748
Oh, you're welcome, Adelle.
509
00:33:07,791 --> 00:33:10,385
I like you.
And you smell good.
510
00:33:10,427 --> 00:33:12,395
Daddy smells like bourbon.
511
00:33:12,429 --> 00:33:16,866
Well, I'm sure that doesn't change
how much he loves you.
512
00:33:16,900 --> 00:33:19,630
Nuh-uh. He wrote a song called
513
00:33:19,670 --> 00:33:23,697
"Social Worker, Social Worker,
Come Take Adelle Away."
514
00:33:24,808 --> 00:33:27,641
You're not like him.
You're super-duper nice.
515
00:33:27,678 --> 00:33:30,772
Well, I think you're nice too, Adelle.
516
00:33:32,216 --> 00:33:34,582
Whoa whoa whoa.
But we still can't hug.
517
00:33:34,618 --> 00:33:37,679
Sorry.
We get lawsuits. We get law...
518
00:33:37,722 --> 00:33:39,417
she knows we get lawsuits.
519
00:33:43,495 --> 00:33:45,827
You set that up, didn't you?
520
00:33:47,065 --> 00:33:49,966
No, Tom, songs like that
are sung every night.
521
00:33:53,671 --> 00:33:55,662
Okay, all right.
522
00:33:57,675 --> 00:34:00,542
If this school's going down,
I'm going down with it.
523
00:34:00,578 --> 00:34:02,603
I've got nothing to lose.
524
00:34:02,647 --> 00:34:06,014
But on one condition...
you're in this with me.
525
00:34:06,050 --> 00:34:10,111
Tom, I'm here to inspect you,
not save your ass.
526
00:34:10,155 --> 00:34:13,488
I could lose my job.
I will... I will lose my job.
527
00:34:13,525 --> 00:34:15,720
That's exactly why no one else
is helping me.
528
00:34:15,760 --> 00:34:19,457
I can't do this alone.
I need you.
529
00:34:23,835 --> 00:34:26,303
Fuck a duck.
530
00:34:27,438 --> 00:34:29,565
- I'm in.
- Yeah!
531
00:34:29,607 --> 00:34:32,133
Okay. Okay.
532
00:34:32,178 --> 00:34:34,544
Yeah.
533
00:34:34,580 --> 00:34:36,172
Okay.
534
00:34:36,215 --> 00:34:40,049
A plan... we need a plan.
535
00:34:45,357 --> 00:34:48,258
Right.
536
00:34:48,294 --> 00:34:51,422
Well, we've got about five hours
until school's out,
537
00:34:51,463 --> 00:34:54,955
so this whole "Cat's Cradle" thing
you just drew isn't gonna happen.
538
00:34:58,871 --> 00:35:01,396
Okay. Okay, here it is:
539
00:35:01,440 --> 00:35:04,534
First we rally the faculty.
540
00:35:04,577 --> 00:35:07,011
They've got to teach their hearts out
starting today.
541
00:35:07,046 --> 00:35:09,207
- Then we to to stage two.
- Which is...?
542
00:35:09,248 --> 00:35:11,239
We stage a walkout
543
00:35:11,283 --> 00:35:13,080
right at the end of school.
544
00:35:13,118 --> 00:35:14,449
How's that gonna help?
545
00:35:14,486 --> 00:35:16,613
Because I'm gonna call the media
right before.
546
00:35:16,655 --> 00:35:18,054
Make the news van show up,
547
00:35:18,090 --> 00:35:20,422
splash the kids
across the 11:00 broadcast...
548
00:35:20,459 --> 00:35:23,189
there's no way they'll shut us down.
549
00:35:23,229 --> 00:35:25,460
And all the teachers
who don't give a shit now
550
00:35:25,498 --> 00:35:29,491
will change their tune if they know
a camera's gonna be in their faces.
551
00:35:30,537 --> 00:35:33,700
Melody, send it Fowler.
552
00:35:35,775 --> 00:35:38,767
Have a seat, Fowler.
553
00:35:43,316 --> 00:35:47,412
- I'm innocent, Billings.
- Yeah, heard that song before.
554
00:35:48,588 --> 00:35:50,988
You know the drill.
555
00:35:55,462 --> 00:35:57,930
Do you want to get suspended?
556
00:36:09,876 --> 00:36:13,209
What's going on?
557
00:36:13,246 --> 00:36:16,579
Are you clearing out of here?
558
00:36:18,351 --> 00:36:20,752
You know what, Fowler?
559
00:36:21,789 --> 00:36:24,849
I'm feeling felicitous today.
Let me give that back to you.
560
00:36:24,892 --> 00:36:28,692
Why don't we just both pretend
you were never in here?
561
00:36:31,499 --> 00:36:33,967
Actually, let's go halfsies.
Give me back that 10 spot.
562
00:36:35,202 --> 00:36:37,295
Yeah.
563
00:36:40,274 --> 00:36:44,404
People are talking, Frankie.
Shit's about to go down.
564
00:36:44,445 --> 00:36:46,436
What's that got to do with me?
565
00:36:47,448 --> 00:36:50,315
It's Billings, Frankie.
He's selling us out for the big game.
566
00:36:50,351 --> 00:36:52,546
Jesus H!
567
00:36:52,586 --> 00:36:54,679
I know we've had our differences
in the past.
568
00:36:54,722 --> 00:36:56,713
Yes, Bartlett, we have.
569
00:36:59,827 --> 00:37:03,957
And that's it, baby.
That's long division.
570
00:37:03,998 --> 00:37:07,957
Oh, Bartlett, you're everything
a man should be.
571
00:37:08,002 --> 00:37:10,994
Tell me again about remainders.
572
00:37:11,038 --> 00:37:14,235
No, Frankie, no!
It's not what you think! No!
573
00:37:14,275 --> 00:37:15,971
Bonecracker!
574
00:37:16,011 --> 00:37:18,605
Hard to believe
that was just yesterday.
575
00:37:18,647 --> 00:37:21,946
We can't let them close the school.
I don't know what I'll do, Frankie.
576
00:37:21,984 --> 00:37:24,418
I have a wife and kids
to think about.
577
00:37:24,453 --> 00:37:25,681
You do?
578
00:37:25,721 --> 00:37:27,689
Not yet, but someday.
579
00:37:27,723 --> 00:37:29,520
You have to get word out.
580
00:37:30,692 --> 00:37:32,717
Take this.
581
00:37:32,761 --> 00:37:34,524
We're all counting on you, Fowler.
582
00:37:34,563 --> 00:37:36,724
Forget our past.
583
00:37:36,765 --> 00:37:39,233
I'll do what I can, Bartlett,
584
00:37:39,267 --> 00:37:42,168
but I'll never forget our past.
585
00:37:48,744 --> 00:37:51,406
That's the thing, though, you know?
You give and you give
586
00:37:51,446 --> 00:37:53,414
and you give.
And what do they do?
587
00:37:53,448 --> 00:37:56,042
Take it. They take take take.
588
00:37:56,084 --> 00:37:59,212
Even still, we need the ladies.
589
00:37:59,254 --> 00:38:01,814
Honest to goodness,
we need 'em.
590
00:38:01,857 --> 00:38:03,688
God bless 'em,
every last one of 'em.
591
00:38:03,725 --> 00:38:07,593
I know I needed Mrs. Buchwald,
but not anymore, though.
592
00:38:09,965 --> 00:38:12,059
Maybe you're right.
Maybe I do. I don't know.
593
00:38:12,101 --> 00:38:14,092
I can't hear you, Mr. Buchwald.
594
00:38:14,137 --> 00:38:16,537
I think my brain is bleeding.
595
00:38:16,572 --> 00:38:18,733
I want you to listen to me.
596
00:38:20,043 --> 00:38:21,635
Are you listening?
597
00:38:21,677 --> 00:38:26,341
Do not marry young,
598
00:38:26,382 --> 00:38:30,785
'cause right now you're shit.
599
00:38:30,820 --> 00:38:33,812
You're a zygote.
You may think you're hot stuff,
600
00:38:33,856 --> 00:38:36,791
but out there in the real world
you want to know what you are?
601
00:38:36,826 --> 00:38:40,887
Bang. Zero.
That's you. Look at that. You.
602
00:38:40,930 --> 00:38:44,889
But in a few years you might
begin to bark instead of just yap.
603
00:38:44,934 --> 00:38:47,630
A few years more...
you begin to snarl and growl.
604
00:38:47,670 --> 00:38:50,434
But what if you're stuck
with some cooze
605
00:38:50,473 --> 00:38:54,307
that you shacked up with back when
you were just a little yapping yapper?
606
00:38:54,343 --> 00:38:56,903
I mean, what the fuck?
Does that compute?
607
00:38:56,946 --> 00:38:59,608
What the fuck is wrong
with this world?
608
00:38:59,649 --> 00:39:01,310
Does it make any sense to you?
609
00:39:01,350 --> 00:39:04,410
No! Thank you!
No, it doesn't.
610
00:39:04,454 --> 00:39:06,787
Okay, amigo, good talk.
611
00:39:06,824 --> 00:39:08,815
Up you get.
612
00:39:13,597 --> 00:39:15,155
Oh!
613
00:39:18,702 --> 00:39:20,897
Nurse Gretchen.
614
00:39:22,773 --> 00:39:25,071
Nurse Gretchen!
615
00:39:25,109 --> 00:39:27,304
Yes, Mr. Abernathy.
616
00:39:30,447 --> 00:39:32,938
- Sorry?
- What?
617
00:39:32,983 --> 00:39:35,645
What did you say?
You said something.
618
00:39:35,686 --> 00:39:38,621
No, you said, "Sorry?"
What?
619
00:39:38,655 --> 00:39:40,486
No, you tried to say something
and I said, "What?"
620
00:39:40,524 --> 00:39:42,651
And then you said, "What?"
But you were gonna say something.
621
00:39:42,693 --> 00:39:44,126
So what did you say?
622
00:39:44,161 --> 00:39:46,322
No, you said, "Sorry?"
And then I said, "What?"
623
00:39:46,363 --> 00:39:50,697
And then I said, "You just say
what you said." What?
624
00:39:50,734 --> 00:39:52,964
I said, "You said, 'What? '
And I said, 'What?"'
625
00:39:53,003 --> 00:39:54,994
And then now
I'm saying "What?" again,
626
00:39:55,038 --> 00:39:57,506
as in, like, what are you talk...?
What?
627
00:39:57,541 --> 00:39:59,941
- What?
- Sorry.
628
00:39:59,977 --> 00:40:01,969
Okay, come on, hon.
629
00:40:02,013 --> 00:40:04,880
Um, I have Dip Dip.
630
00:40:04,916 --> 00:40:06,781
Yeah, I see that.
631
00:40:10,088 --> 00:40:11,487
You have some.
632
00:40:11,523 --> 00:40:14,549
No, thank you.
633
00:40:14,592 --> 00:40:16,787
I actually think
his brain is hemorrhaging.
634
00:40:16,828 --> 00:40:19,592
So I'm gonna take him
to the nurse's office, okay?
635
00:40:19,631 --> 00:40:21,861
Oh, okay.
636
00:40:23,701 --> 00:40:25,896
Yeah, whatevs.
637
00:40:25,937 --> 00:40:29,634
I'll just chill. Lates.
638
00:40:29,674 --> 00:40:31,699
No bigs.
639
00:40:48,092 --> 00:40:51,357
- Oh, darn it all.
- Stinks.
640
00:40:58,904 --> 00:41:00,895
Hey, Harper, it's Maurice.
641
00:41:00,940 --> 00:41:05,400
Um, we got off
on the wrong foot on my last message
642
00:41:05,444 --> 00:41:09,574
and I just... I feel like...
643
00:41:09,615 --> 00:41:11,947
why aren't you
calling me back?
644
00:41:11,984 --> 00:41:13,508
What's...?
645
00:41:13,552 --> 00:41:15,884
Why not?
646
00:41:15,921 --> 00:41:18,549
I mean, I'm leaving you messages.
647
00:41:18,591 --> 00:41:21,492
Usually that elicits
a callback.
648
00:41:21,527 --> 00:41:23,518
So think about it.
649
00:41:25,731 --> 00:41:28,859
So we'll turn this corner
and wind up right here.
650
00:41:28,934 --> 00:41:31,232
Now I'll cover the north side.
651
00:41:31,270 --> 00:41:33,261
You cover the portables
and the east side.
652
00:41:33,305 --> 00:41:36,331
If we round up enough teachers
with clean underwear by lunch
653
00:41:36,375 --> 00:41:38,366
we'll call the news.
654
00:41:40,813 --> 00:41:41,939
What?
655
00:41:41,981 --> 00:41:44,279
Nothing. It's just
for a second there
656
00:41:44,316 --> 00:41:47,046
I saw a little bit
of your father in you.
657
00:41:47,086 --> 00:41:49,816
- Tom, what happened that day?
- Shh!
658
00:41:52,092 --> 00:41:54,925
Let's not dig up old graves, okay?
659
00:41:59,332 --> 00:42:01,357
Let's go save the future.
660
00:42:03,536 --> 00:42:07,370
Oh, you precocious little bastards,
661
00:42:07,407 --> 00:42:10,137
weaned on your chocolate
breakfast cereals
662
00:42:10,176 --> 00:42:12,167
and your Hannah Montana,
663
00:42:12,212 --> 00:42:14,578
dressing as though you want
to be raped
664
00:42:14,614 --> 00:42:16,707
by a professional
basketball player.
665
00:42:16,750 --> 00:42:19,184
Oh, shame on the lot of you.
Shame.
666
00:42:19,219 --> 00:42:21,244
What?
667
00:42:21,288 --> 00:42:23,688
Old Curt, a word, please.
668
00:42:26,626 --> 00:42:29,060
Fine, no more
Sponge Bob videos.
669
00:42:29,095 --> 00:42:31,461
And?
670
00:42:32,599 --> 00:42:34,897
And no more giving them
shots of Nyquil
671
00:42:34,934 --> 00:42:38,097
so I can sit and read my "Us Weekly"
in fucking peace and quiet.
672
00:42:38,138 --> 00:42:40,971
That's the spirit.
673
00:42:41,007 --> 00:42:42,599
Bitch.
674
00:42:50,584 --> 00:42:55,021
It's time to rally my angels.
675
00:42:56,324 --> 00:43:00,727
The periodic table of elements...
what everything is made of,
676
00:43:00,761 --> 00:43:03,457
what you are made of,
and me.
677
00:43:05,333 --> 00:43:08,063
Okay, hot hands.
Your scraper and your scraper.
678
00:43:08,102 --> 00:43:09,865
All right, go for it.
Have fun in there.
679
00:43:09,904 --> 00:43:11,963
School spirit.
School spirit.
680
00:43:20,414 --> 00:43:22,006
Salute me.
681
00:43:28,823 --> 00:43:31,087
Who told you to do this?
682
00:43:31,125 --> 00:43:32,922
Vice Principal Willoman.
683
00:43:32,960 --> 00:43:35,428
Yeah, he's trying
to make the school better.
684
00:43:35,463 --> 00:43:38,864
Oh. Oh.
685
00:43:38,899 --> 00:43:40,764
Really?
686
00:43:40,801 --> 00:43:42,793
Then what if I told you
687
00:43:42,838 --> 00:43:45,363
that your dad makes hot sauce
out of dolphin fetuses?
688
00:43:45,407 --> 00:43:48,399
Nuh-uh. Papa works at the mill.
689
00:43:48,443 --> 00:43:50,377
Exactly.
And by that same logic,
690
00:43:50,412 --> 00:43:52,539
Vice Principal Willoman
is a big fat liar.
691
00:43:52,581 --> 00:43:55,675
Now get back to class!
692
00:44:17,172 --> 00:44:19,538
Is this the best you have?
693
00:44:20,742 --> 00:44:22,573
Of course it is.
694
00:44:29,317 --> 00:44:32,718
Pretty boy...
695
00:44:35,957 --> 00:44:38,119
ponytails...
696
00:44:46,602 --> 00:44:49,867
fat person...
697
00:44:54,010 --> 00:44:57,275
and flute...
698
00:44:58,648 --> 00:45:00,673
follow me.
699
00:45:05,688 --> 00:45:08,748
You guys want a job?
700
00:45:08,791 --> 00:45:10,088
Like, for money?
701
00:45:10,126 --> 00:45:12,117
Of course for money.
702
00:45:12,161 --> 00:45:14,459
I need you to follow me around
703
00:45:14,497 --> 00:45:16,988
playing your little instruments.
704
00:45:17,033 --> 00:45:18,933
I don't even think that's legal.
705
00:45:18,968 --> 00:45:21,801
Hey, look up here.
Look at me.
706
00:45:21,838 --> 00:45:23,863
Shut up.
707
00:45:23,906 --> 00:45:26,670
You want five bucks
for the afternoon or not?
708
00:45:26,709 --> 00:45:28,768
Okay.
709
00:45:38,856 --> 00:45:41,723
I also want a Fruitsy Pop.
710
00:45:44,595 --> 00:45:46,756
Fruitsy Pops all around.
711
00:46:07,584 --> 00:46:09,677
Students and faculty,
listen up.
712
00:46:09,720 --> 00:46:12,655
This is your principal.
It has come to my attention
713
00:46:12,689 --> 00:46:15,624
that certain subversive elements
are planning a walkout,
714
00:46:19,263 --> 00:46:22,494
Any such attempt will be immediately met
715
00:46:22,533 --> 00:46:24,228
with a schoolwide lockdown.
716
00:46:24,268 --> 00:46:26,031
Everyone will be confined
717
00:46:26,069 --> 00:46:28,937
for an indefinite time,
except for Scotty Hendricks.
718
00:46:28,973 --> 00:46:31,100
Scotty, the TB test was positive.
719
00:46:31,142 --> 00:46:33,303
Please leave campus immediately.
720
00:46:33,344 --> 00:46:37,804
Donovan sat at the window
of his small shack, motionless.
721
00:46:37,849 --> 00:46:40,579
There was loneliness
all around him,
722
00:46:40,618 --> 00:46:42,779
shrouding him like a shroud.
723
00:46:42,820 --> 00:46:46,756
And from the abandoned
sawmill nearby... yes, he hears it...
724
00:46:46,791 --> 00:46:50,056
the faint yet unmistakable sound
725
00:46:50,094 --> 00:46:52,085
of a dog raping a cat.
726
00:46:57,101 --> 00:46:59,194
Yeah, Zippy.
727
00:47:01,306 --> 00:47:04,332
Imelda and I have something
to share.
728
00:47:04,375 --> 00:47:06,502
Okay, go ahead, Zip.
729
00:47:06,544 --> 00:47:08,910
We're pregnant.
730
00:47:12,016 --> 00:47:17,079
Well, that is just great.
731
00:47:17,121 --> 00:47:19,817
Come on, guys.
Show them how you feel.
732
00:47:21,292 --> 00:47:22,817
All right!
733
00:47:22,861 --> 00:47:26,729
You guys are gonna need
some serious prenatal action.
734
00:47:28,767 --> 00:47:31,930
Yes, Nurse Gretchen, please.
735
00:47:33,238 --> 00:47:35,229
Hey, wait, what are you doing?
736
00:47:35,274 --> 00:47:37,105
No no no.
737
00:47:37,142 --> 00:47:39,372
The show goes on.
The show goes on.
738
00:47:39,411 --> 00:47:41,777
Show must go on.
739
00:47:41,814 --> 00:47:45,306
So I have some news.
740
00:47:45,351 --> 00:47:49,185
Imelda is not pregnant.
741
00:47:49,221 --> 00:47:51,655
Did you kill our baby?
742
00:47:51,690 --> 00:47:54,454
No, I didn't kill your baby.
743
00:47:54,493 --> 00:47:57,189
There wasn't a baby.
744
00:47:57,229 --> 00:48:01,188
Do you guys know
how babies are made?
745
00:48:01,233 --> 00:48:04,498
You don't, do you?
746
00:48:06,171 --> 00:48:09,106
Let's get you guys
back to class.
747
00:48:09,141 --> 00:48:11,132
Come on.
748
00:48:34,000 --> 00:48:36,161
Awesome.
749
00:48:36,202 --> 00:48:38,534
Thank God you're back.
750
00:48:40,540 --> 00:48:42,701
Okay, Laura, let's cut the crap.
751
00:48:42,742 --> 00:48:47,770
The school's taking in water
and Billings is abandoning ship,
752
00:48:47,814 --> 00:48:50,942
but not before
he's picked all our pockets.
753
00:48:50,984 --> 00:48:53,350
We need Vice Principal Willoman.
754
00:48:56,456 --> 00:48:59,220
Right, Sally,
that's why we read.
755
00:48:59,259 --> 00:49:01,056
Nurse Gretchen.
756
00:49:01,094 --> 00:49:02,686
Mr. Abernathy, hi.
757
00:49:02,729 --> 00:49:05,129
Uh, when is she due?
758
00:49:05,165 --> 00:49:09,067
Mr. Abernathy, Imelda isn't pregnant.
759
00:49:09,102 --> 00:49:11,696
And I'm not quite sure
that Zippy and Imelda
760
00:49:11,738 --> 00:49:15,698
really understand
where babies come from.
761
00:49:15,743 --> 00:49:18,337
Oh.
762
00:49:18,379 --> 00:49:23,282
Well, maybe they could take
a sex ed class with you.
763
00:49:23,317 --> 00:49:26,377
Well, I guess that couldn't hurt.
764
00:49:26,420 --> 00:49:28,251
Maybe we could all go.
765
00:49:28,289 --> 00:49:31,588
Well, I suppose.
766
00:49:31,625 --> 00:49:34,617
- Oh, hell yes! Yes!
- Yeah!
767
00:49:34,662 --> 00:49:36,721
Right? Yes!
768
00:49:36,764 --> 00:49:39,426
I'll see you guys later.
769
00:49:39,467 --> 00:49:41,458
Oh, I want to do her so bad.
770
00:49:41,502 --> 00:49:45,131
I want to do it so hard.
She is it.
771
00:50:09,731 --> 00:50:11,722
You smell that?
772
00:50:11,767 --> 00:50:15,032
Asparagus. Putrid.
773
00:50:15,070 --> 00:50:17,664
The way a man's piss
should smell, though.
774
00:50:25,280 --> 00:50:27,009
Flush me.
775
00:50:27,048 --> 00:50:28,606
No. Flush yourself.
776
00:50:28,650 --> 00:50:32,051
I warned you, Tom.
I told you to stay out of my way,
777
00:50:32,087 --> 00:50:34,282
but you had to go
the hero route, didn't you?
778
00:50:34,322 --> 00:50:37,553
Look, I'm not gonna stand by
779
00:50:37,592 --> 00:50:39,560
and watch the school
get shut down, Harper.
780
00:50:39,594 --> 00:50:41,926
Yes, you are.
Yes, you are.
781
00:50:44,766 --> 00:50:48,202
Because I'm the only one
that can save you, Tom.
782
00:50:48,236 --> 00:50:51,967
You're just a bright-eyed little fluffer
in this titty flick.
783
00:50:52,007 --> 00:50:56,034
But turns out you and I...
we aren't so different.
784
00:50:56,077 --> 00:50:58,545
What are you getting at, Harper?
785
00:50:58,580 --> 00:51:01,708
We're both waiting
for the same bus.
786
00:51:01,750 --> 00:51:03,844
And I can bequeath unto you
787
00:51:03,886 --> 00:51:06,821
the magic coins
to ride on that bus.
788
00:51:08,758 --> 00:51:12,524
How would you like to be principal
of Valley Hilltop Elementary?
789
00:51:13,529 --> 00:51:15,258
Principal?
790
00:51:15,298 --> 00:51:16,925
Yeah.
791
00:51:16,966 --> 00:51:20,197
This all ends right here and now, Tom.
Just say the word.
792
00:51:22,071 --> 00:51:24,232
You'll never be the man
your father was, Tom.
793
00:51:25,374 --> 00:51:27,672
Yeah yeah.
794
00:51:29,478 --> 00:51:32,106
I know what happened that day.
795
00:51:35,418 --> 00:51:39,115
Fact is, you don't have the guts
to stand up to me and you know it.
796
00:51:39,155 --> 00:51:41,146
So take the bait
797
00:51:41,190 --> 00:51:43,385
and flush my goddamn urinal.
798
00:51:50,766 --> 00:51:53,030
No.
799
00:51:53,069 --> 00:51:56,402
No, I don't think so, Harper.
800
00:51:56,439 --> 00:51:58,430
I don't know what you're up to,
801
00:51:58,474 --> 00:52:01,035
but it's as crooked
as Arianna Pollard.
802
00:52:02,379 --> 00:52:05,644
The scoliosis girl.
803
00:52:05,682 --> 00:52:08,776
Good one.
You're on fire today.
804
00:52:08,886 --> 00:52:12,413
Well, you can't say
you didn't make your own bed, Tommy.
805
00:52:12,456 --> 00:52:15,050
Now you gotta lie in it.
806
00:52:15,092 --> 00:52:17,458
The problem is,
you sewed your sheets together
807
00:52:17,494 --> 00:52:21,089
out of moldy rainbows
and day-old dreamy-dreams.
808
00:52:21,131 --> 00:52:23,122
I don't know what that means.
809
00:52:23,166 --> 00:52:25,157
It's poetry, Tom.
810
00:52:25,202 --> 00:52:27,500
You don't have to know what it means.
It sounds good.
811
00:52:29,506 --> 00:52:31,838
You know what else
sound good?
812
00:52:50,861 --> 00:52:53,694
You just don't listen
to reason, do ya, Agnew?
813
00:52:53,730 --> 00:52:56,461
What are you guys gonna do,
beat me up?
814
00:52:56,501 --> 00:52:58,833
No, we're gonna beat you down.
815
00:53:12,417 --> 00:53:14,408
Yoo-hoo.
Are you ready for us?
816
00:53:14,452 --> 00:53:17,012
- Yeah, come on in.
- Okay, cool.
817
00:53:17,055 --> 00:53:18,989
Come on, single file, guys.
818
00:53:19,023 --> 00:53:21,992
Remember your buddy.
Let's go.
819
00:53:22,026 --> 00:53:25,689
Welcome to
"Coital Danger 17:
820
00:53:25,730 --> 00:53:28,028
Trouble at the Drive-In."
821
00:53:29,801 --> 00:53:33,464
Kids, you already know by now
that sex is really bad for you,
822
00:53:33,504 --> 00:53:35,631
but just how bad?
823
00:53:35,673 --> 00:53:37,664
Well, here we see Dingles
824
00:53:37,709 --> 00:53:40,041
on his way to a drive-in
motion picture
825
00:53:40,078 --> 00:53:41,978
with his gal-pal Cassandra...
826
00:53:42,013 --> 00:53:45,141
I have fruit.
827
00:53:46,384 --> 00:53:47,681
To eat.
828
00:53:47,719 --> 00:53:50,382
Oh, great.
829
00:53:54,893 --> 00:53:57,327
Cassandra is
what we call loose...
830
00:53:58,664 --> 00:54:01,531
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
831
00:54:03,235 --> 00:54:05,362
Thank you for saying
"You're welcome."
832
00:54:07,373 --> 00:54:09,364
You're welcome.
833
00:54:09,408 --> 00:54:11,273
Thank you.
834
00:54:11,310 --> 00:54:13,778
We'll answer
that question a little bit later,
835
00:54:13,812 --> 00:54:16,508
but for now let's get back
to Dingles and Cassandra.
836
00:54:16,548 --> 00:54:19,278
And there they are
on a fast ride
837
00:54:19,318 --> 00:54:22,082
to their deplorable fate.
838
00:54:35,501 --> 00:54:38,561
AJ?
839
00:54:38,604 --> 00:54:40,595
AJ, is that you?
840
00:54:40,639 --> 00:54:42,630
Yeah, it's me.
841
00:54:42,674 --> 00:54:45,269
AJ, hey, buddy.
842
00:54:45,311 --> 00:54:47,779
It's Vice Principal Willoman.
I need you to untie me.
843
00:54:47,814 --> 00:54:52,080
No, you're a dirty stranger.
You want to touch my bathroom parts.
844
00:54:52,118 --> 00:54:53,949
What? No, AJ.
845
00:54:53,987 --> 00:54:55,818
AJ?
846
00:54:55,855 --> 00:54:58,346
AJ, no, I want nothing to do
with your bathroom parts!
847
00:54:58,391 --> 00:55:00,951
AJ! AJ.
848
00:55:04,464 --> 00:55:05,624
Hey.
849
00:55:05,665 --> 00:55:07,656
Fondue?
850
00:55:11,104 --> 00:55:14,403
I still love her, Dougray.
851
00:55:14,441 --> 00:55:16,705
I'm still mad about that woman.
852
00:55:20,780 --> 00:55:24,216
Look at my life.
What a dump.
853
00:55:24,250 --> 00:55:28,209
My great grandfather invented
the two-point conversion, Dougray.
854
00:55:28,254 --> 00:55:30,154
What the f...?
855
00:55:31,324 --> 00:55:33,884
What the fuck have I ever done?
856
00:55:38,465 --> 00:55:41,526
It's probably suicide time, huh?
857
00:55:41,569 --> 00:55:43,127
Yeah.
858
00:55:44,138 --> 00:55:46,470
Damn it.
859
00:55:46,507 --> 00:55:49,169
Tom's been missing
for the last hour.
860
00:55:49,210 --> 00:55:51,440
Keep it together.
861
00:55:51,479 --> 00:55:54,380
There's only one person
who can help us find him.
862
00:55:54,415 --> 00:55:56,883
Yes, Laura,
863
00:55:56,917 --> 00:55:59,010
you know it as well as I do.
864
00:56:00,955 --> 00:56:04,083
He's the only one of us
who's trained to kill.
865
00:56:04,125 --> 00:56:05,990
That's true.
866
00:56:07,194 --> 00:56:09,685
He once had a fire in his heart...
867
00:56:09,730 --> 00:56:11,891
...a fire that saved people
868
00:56:11,932 --> 00:56:13,991
by killing other people.
869
00:56:16,070 --> 00:56:18,265
And I extinguished
that fire.
870
00:56:23,177 --> 00:56:25,168
I'm such a cunt.
871
00:56:25,212 --> 00:56:26,702
Pull yourself together.
872
00:56:26,747 --> 00:56:30,444
This big outhouse you call
an elementary school is about to go down,
873
00:56:30,484 --> 00:56:33,180
and I'm not about to be bussed
to Roosevelt County
874
00:56:33,220 --> 00:56:35,655
so I can be sodomized every day
for my lunch money.
875
00:56:35,690 --> 00:56:39,057
This isn't about your marriage
and it's not about your pride.
876
00:56:39,094 --> 00:56:41,392
It's about our future.
877
00:56:41,429 --> 00:56:44,193
You're right, Frankie.
You're right.
878
00:56:44,232 --> 00:56:47,065
Jesse is the only chance
we've got.
879
00:56:47,102 --> 00:56:50,469
Or, you know, he's the only chance
we've got to find Tom
880
00:56:50,505 --> 00:56:52,837
who is really the only chance
we've got.
881
00:56:52,874 --> 00:56:54,671
Then make it happen, lady.
882
00:56:54,709 --> 00:56:57,701
Make it happen.
883
00:57:08,190 --> 00:57:10,090
Yello.
884
00:57:10,125 --> 00:57:11,820
Bueno bueno.
885
00:57:11,860 --> 00:57:14,124
It's me, Jesse.
886
00:57:14,162 --> 00:57:16,687
Laura,
887
00:57:16,731 --> 00:57:19,564
my lover, my everything.
888
00:57:19,601 --> 00:57:21,432
Listen,
889
00:57:21,469 --> 00:57:24,063
there's no time for pillow talk,
sweet nuts.
890
00:57:24,105 --> 00:57:26,505
You've got to be the man
I've never let you be,
891
00:57:26,541 --> 00:57:27,872
the man
you've always been,
892
00:57:27,909 --> 00:57:30,435
mostly always.
893
00:57:30,479 --> 00:57:32,470
Jesse, we've got to find Tom.
894
00:57:32,515 --> 00:57:36,144
If we don't, the school's a goner,
and us and the kids along with it.
895
00:57:36,185 --> 00:57:38,881
Now you keep this as quiet
as a fairy fart,
896
00:57:38,921 --> 00:57:41,014
but we need to break Tom free.
897
00:57:41,057 --> 00:57:44,458
And then we've got
to take Billings down!
898
00:57:45,928 --> 00:57:47,919
The fact is, kids,
899
00:57:47,964 --> 00:57:50,524
that filthy movies
and television programs
900
00:57:50,566 --> 00:57:53,626
influence your young mind,
causing you to do things
901
00:57:53,669 --> 00:57:56,968
that will lead to ghastly physical
and emotional scars.
902
00:57:57,006 --> 00:57:59,941
Dingles, watch out!
903
00:57:59,976 --> 00:58:01,967
Oh, wowzers.
904
00:58:02,011 --> 00:58:05,538
That kiss just cost him
a lifetime of itchy sores,
905
00:58:05,581 --> 00:58:07,606
low self-esteem and crippling...
906
00:58:07,650 --> 00:58:10,084
Is that all true?
907
00:58:10,119 --> 00:58:12,110
Yeah.
908
00:58:16,359 --> 00:58:19,556
Hey, you.
909
00:58:21,030 --> 00:58:23,021
Yes?
910
00:58:24,567 --> 00:58:26,968
I was thinking...
I was thinking
911
00:58:27,004 --> 00:58:29,666
maybe we should
go for a walk.
912
00:58:29,706 --> 00:58:31,003
Right now?
913
00:58:32,876 --> 00:58:34,468
What about the kids?
914
00:58:34,511 --> 00:58:38,345
The kids... they're just as happy
as pot pies watching that video.
915
00:58:38,382 --> 00:58:40,509
And we, just the two of us,
916
00:58:40,550 --> 00:58:42,541
we're just sitting back here,
917
00:58:42,586 --> 00:58:44,781
yapping and talking,
918
00:58:44,821 --> 00:58:47,381
talking and yapping.
919
00:58:47,424 --> 00:58:50,052
So I was just thinking, you know,
maybe we...
920
00:58:50,093 --> 00:58:52,152
maybe a stroll would do us good.
921
00:58:55,032 --> 00:58:56,761
Okay.
922
00:58:56,800 --> 00:58:58,267
Yeah?
923
00:58:58,302 --> 00:59:00,668
- Sure, yeah.
- Yeah.
924
00:59:00,704 --> 00:59:03,468
But we gotta make it quick,
'cause last time I left the kids
925
00:59:03,507 --> 00:59:06,067
they made a Slip-N-Slide
out of KY and dental dams.
926
00:59:06,109 --> 00:59:08,134
Okay, yeah.
No, we'll be quick.
927
00:59:15,919 --> 00:59:18,717
It's Harper. Leave a message.
928
00:59:18,755 --> 00:59:22,715
421-555-6231.
929
00:59:22,760 --> 00:59:25,524
That is my number.
Stop being a dick.
930
00:59:27,965 --> 00:59:31,492
Sagosky, have the special-ed kids
form a perimeter.
931
00:59:38,643 --> 00:59:41,009
Where's that piece-of-ass inspector?
932
01:00:09,540 --> 01:00:11,269
Easy does it there.
933
01:00:12,777 --> 01:00:16,305
Easy does it like Miss Muffet
on her fat little tuffet.
934
01:00:40,372 --> 01:00:44,138
I never meant to have sex
with that dolphin trainer.
935
01:00:44,176 --> 01:00:46,770
You're a liar, but I forgive you.
936
01:00:46,812 --> 01:00:49,440
Come here, Big Daddy.
937
01:00:49,481 --> 01:00:52,314
Wrong again, Quincy.
938
01:00:54,586 --> 01:00:56,816
Who the hell are you supposed to be?
939
01:01:06,498 --> 01:01:09,058
Somebody here knows where
Vice Principal Willoman is,
940
01:01:09,101 --> 01:01:10,865
and if that somebody
doesn't speak up,
941
01:01:10,904 --> 01:01:12,963
that somebody is gonna be squealing
louder than a pig
942
01:01:13,006 --> 01:01:15,270
that's not only had
its throat sliced
943
01:01:15,308 --> 01:01:18,141
but also had both its balls
tucked up its ass
944
01:01:18,178 --> 01:01:20,510
before they were cut off first.
And let me tell you,
945
01:01:20,547 --> 01:01:23,141
if you're curious how painful that is,
listen up...
946
01:01:23,183 --> 01:01:25,174
very!
947
01:01:25,218 --> 01:01:27,778
I'm gonna count to one.
One.
948
01:01:34,694 --> 01:01:36,525
Holy shit.
949
01:01:38,298 --> 01:01:40,562
Vice principal is
in the boys' bathroom.
950
01:01:40,600 --> 01:01:42,124
He wants to touch
my chub-chub.
951
01:01:50,977 --> 01:01:54,845
What the hell is that bullshit?
952
01:01:54,881 --> 01:01:57,372
Get back to work.
953
01:02:05,391 --> 01:02:08,884
Agh! This is fucking impossible!
954
01:02:08,929 --> 01:02:10,294
Damn it.
955
01:02:10,331 --> 01:02:14,563
It's trying on everyone.
Hold on, Tommy.
956
01:02:15,569 --> 01:02:17,560
Okay, here we go.
957
01:02:17,605 --> 01:02:20,039
Keep going, keep going.
Don't peek.
958
01:02:20,074 --> 01:02:22,065
Okay, don't look.
959
01:02:22,109 --> 01:02:24,202
Okay? Okay?
960
01:02:28,649 --> 01:02:30,844
Okay, we're here.
961
01:02:30,885 --> 01:02:33,649
Oh, it's your classroom.
962
01:02:33,687 --> 01:02:35,678
Yeah.
963
01:02:35,723 --> 01:02:37,714
I just thought we could...
964
01:02:37,758 --> 01:02:39,749
you know, or whatever,
965
01:02:39,793 --> 01:02:41,818
just, you know...
966
01:02:41,862 --> 01:02:44,353
just connect or something,
967
01:02:44,398 --> 01:02:46,764
just talk,
whatever you want to do.
968
01:02:48,202 --> 01:02:51,365
You really like turtles, huh?
969
01:02:51,405 --> 01:02:53,396
Yeah. That's Marzipan.
970
01:02:53,440 --> 01:02:56,898
And that one down there
is Halifax, yeah.
971
01:02:56,944 --> 01:02:59,208
Did you know that after
the dinosaurs died out
972
01:02:59,246 --> 01:03:00,713
there was an age of turtles?
973
01:03:00,748 --> 01:03:03,047
No, I didn't know that.
974
01:03:03,084 --> 01:03:05,052
I didn't think so.
975
01:03:05,086 --> 01:03:07,611
- This one here is ticklish.
- Really?
976
01:03:07,656 --> 01:03:09,647
Yeah. Watch this.
977
01:03:09,691 --> 01:03:12,524
Uh, I think you're hurting him.
978
01:03:12,561 --> 01:03:14,426
- No, he likes it.
- I don't think so.
979
01:03:14,462 --> 01:03:17,295
- Yeah, he does.
- Turner, stop.
980
01:03:18,466 --> 01:03:21,526
Okay, I think I'm gonna...
I'm gonna go.
981
01:03:21,570 --> 01:03:24,004
What? No no no, you can't go.
982
01:03:24,039 --> 01:03:26,030
I planned the whole afternoon.
983
01:03:26,074 --> 01:03:28,372
I-I-I have this for you.
984
01:03:28,410 --> 01:03:32,312
Bear with it
'cause it's not totally done, but...
985
01:03:33,782 --> 01:03:37,548
I didn't have a whole lot of time
during free period.
986
01:03:39,588 --> 01:03:41,579
"4 Ever or Never,"
987
01:03:41,623 --> 01:03:44,148
and then there's you and me
988
01:03:44,192 --> 01:03:46,626
and Halifax and Marzipan.
989
01:03:52,701 --> 01:03:54,464
And then there's that.
990
01:03:54,502 --> 01:03:58,234
Um, does that say sweatheart?
991
01:03:58,274 --> 01:04:00,606
No, it says sweetheart.
992
01:04:00,643 --> 01:04:02,634
I'm kinda sure is says sweatheart.
993
01:04:09,452 --> 01:04:10,851
Well, that's awkward.
994
01:04:12,154 --> 01:04:15,021
I'm just gonna come out
and say it, okay?
995
01:04:15,057 --> 01:04:19,118
I have major fucking feelings
for you
996
01:04:19,161 --> 01:04:23,621
deep down in my loins,
in the places that matter.
997
01:04:23,666 --> 01:04:26,999
And I want to go there.
I want to take it there with you.
998
01:04:27,036 --> 01:04:29,095
I want to take it
to that next level
999
01:04:29,138 --> 01:04:32,972
where we're feeling each other
and we're rubbing
1000
01:04:33,009 --> 01:04:36,467
and we explode.
1001
01:04:36,512 --> 01:04:40,141
So I don't know
if you feel the same way,
1002
01:04:40,182 --> 01:04:43,549
but I am fucking awesomely
in love with you, Gretchen.
1003
01:04:43,586 --> 01:04:47,147
Oh, no, Turner, you're not.
1004
01:04:47,189 --> 01:04:48,816
Yes, I am.
1005
01:04:48,858 --> 01:04:50,792
No, you're not.
1006
01:04:50,826 --> 01:04:54,490
Yeah, I don't think I would have
said all those things if I wasn't, okay?
1007
01:04:54,531 --> 01:04:56,192
I'm pretty sure I am.
1008
01:04:56,233 --> 01:04:58,701
I'm pretty sure you're not.
1009
01:04:58,735 --> 01:05:02,466
I don't know
how more clear I can be. I am.
1010
01:05:03,507 --> 01:05:06,476
You are sweet,
1011
01:05:06,510 --> 01:05:09,377
but I gotta get back to class now.
1012
01:05:09,413 --> 01:05:11,506
Okay?
1013
01:05:21,958 --> 01:05:24,324
I should have put
more hearts on it.
1014
01:05:24,361 --> 01:05:26,420
That was so stupid.
1015
01:05:29,299 --> 01:05:32,063
Billings has to be stopped, Tom.
1016
01:05:32,102 --> 01:05:35,094
- Stopped.
- Worse than we thought.
1017
01:05:35,138 --> 01:05:37,766
What is this?
1018
01:05:39,276 --> 01:05:41,608
- The balance sheet?
- Yeah, for the district.
1019
01:05:41,645 --> 01:05:44,113
- The district balance sheet.
- Notice the total budget,
1020
01:05:44,147 --> 01:05:46,844
- then notice how much each school gets.
- There.
1021
01:05:46,884 --> 01:05:49,148
The numbers don't add up.
1022
01:05:49,187 --> 01:05:51,883
And guess which school
isn't even included in the total?
1023
01:05:51,923 --> 01:05:54,517
Take a fucking guess.
Take it. Shoot.
1024
01:05:54,559 --> 01:05:57,187
Ours.
But I don't get it.
1025
01:05:57,228 --> 01:05:59,696
The total is millions more
than the sum of all the schools' budgets.
1026
01:05:59,731 --> 01:06:01,460
Millions more than the sum.
1027
01:06:01,499 --> 01:06:04,491
And that difference is the exact budget
of Geraldine Ferraro.
1028
01:06:04,535 --> 01:06:05,968
This motherfucker!
1029
01:06:06,003 --> 01:06:07,630
- Can you stop?
- Yes.
1030
01:06:07,672 --> 01:06:09,640
Someone in the district goofed.
1031
01:06:09,674 --> 01:06:12,040
And Billings saw that we have
no paper trail.
1032
01:06:12,076 --> 01:06:14,806
- The money is just waiting to be plucked.
- Plucked like fruit.
1033
01:06:14,846 --> 01:06:18,407
So the school gets closed;
nobody knows the money is missing.
1034
01:06:18,449 --> 01:06:21,612
Close the doors,
and Principal Hershey Squirts
1035
01:06:21,652 --> 01:06:24,314
stuffs the moolah
in his fanny pack.
1036
01:06:24,355 --> 01:06:26,880
- What are you doing?
- What the fuck are you doing?
1037
01:06:26,924 --> 01:06:30,416
I'm calling the local news.
We have to get the word out now.
1038
01:06:30,461 --> 01:06:32,486
Fucking smarter than you know.
1039
01:06:34,999 --> 01:06:38,901
Uh, relax.
They're just blanks.
1040
01:06:38,936 --> 01:06:40,927
Jesus!
1041
01:06:40,972 --> 01:06:43,498
- What the fuck?!
- Are you crazy?
1042
01:06:43,542 --> 01:06:47,603
I'm really fucking psyched.
1043
01:06:47,646 --> 01:06:51,082
- God.
- Holy shit.
1044
01:06:51,116 --> 01:06:53,380
The mailbox for...
1045
01:06:53,418 --> 01:06:56,182
- Harper Billings.
- is full.
1046
01:06:56,221 --> 01:06:58,553
No.
1047
01:06:58,590 --> 01:07:00,785
Oh, fuck.
1048
01:07:02,327 --> 01:07:03,487
Hello?
1049
01:07:03,529 --> 01:07:05,690
Wonderful. Thank you.
Thank you.
1050
01:07:05,731 --> 01:07:07,528
Local news is on the way.
1051
01:07:07,566 --> 01:07:08,692
Yeah.
1052
01:07:08,734 --> 01:07:11,965
Wait, where's Rebecca?
1053
01:07:14,039 --> 01:07:16,064
We're all set, sir.
1054
01:07:21,780 --> 01:07:23,680
Oh, no.
1055
01:07:26,118 --> 01:07:28,814
Tom.
1056
01:07:28,854 --> 01:07:31,516
Tommy.
1057
01:07:31,557 --> 01:07:33,752
I know you can hear me, Tom.
1058
01:07:33,792 --> 01:07:37,820
It's useless to go on.
I'm just too strong.
1059
01:07:39,365 --> 01:07:41,697
I'm not a bad guy, Tom.
1060
01:07:41,734 --> 01:07:44,601
This is just a bad situation.
1061
01:07:44,637 --> 01:07:47,765
This isn't cowboys
versus the Indians.
1062
01:07:47,807 --> 01:07:51,368
This is
cowboys versus cowboys.
1063
01:07:51,411 --> 01:07:53,572
No one wants that, Tom...
1064
01:07:53,613 --> 01:07:56,411
cowboys fighting cowboys.
1065
01:07:56,449 --> 01:07:58,747
It's un-American.
1066
01:07:58,785 --> 01:08:01,583
I've got the girl, Tom.
1067
01:08:03,523 --> 01:08:06,390
Turn yourself in.
Stop all this hullabaloo.
1068
01:08:06,426 --> 01:08:09,054
You fought a good fight.
1069
01:08:12,365 --> 01:08:15,596
Today's lunch is beef stroganoff
and creamed spinach.
1070
01:08:15,635 --> 01:08:18,195
Happy birthdays go out
to Carolina Brushhair
1071
01:08:18,238 --> 01:08:20,399
and Tom-Tom O'Leary.
1072
01:08:20,440 --> 01:08:22,101
Soccer's canceled today.
1073
01:08:26,679 --> 01:08:30,706
Don't you listen to him, Tom.
It's a trap.
1074
01:08:30,750 --> 01:08:34,812
Tommy, we'll storm
the office, okay?
1075
01:08:34,855 --> 01:08:38,291
They'll be totally defenseless,
like a bunch of 10-year-olds in there.
1076
01:08:38,325 --> 01:08:41,385
No, guys, Billings is right.
1077
01:08:41,428 --> 01:08:44,090
We can't win.
It's impossible.
1078
01:08:44,131 --> 01:08:46,656
Listen, remember
what you said to me
1079
01:08:46,700 --> 01:08:50,067
when I thought I'd never beat
that painful case of the clap?
1080
01:08:50,104 --> 01:08:52,197
Tommy, what did you
say to her, Tommy?
1081
01:08:52,239 --> 01:08:54,673
- What did you say?
- I said...
1082
01:08:54,708 --> 01:08:56,869
I said, "Nothing's impossible."
1083
01:08:56,911 --> 01:08:59,106
You said, "Nothing's
1084
01:08:59,146 --> 01:09:03,082
im-fucking-possible," man.
1085
01:09:05,653 --> 01:09:07,120
Nothing is impossible.
1086
01:09:11,659 --> 01:09:15,527
I am just a simple man. I just want
to sell delicious ice creams to you.
1087
01:09:15,562 --> 01:09:18,827
Shut up, you!
I got some demands!
1088
01:09:18,866 --> 01:09:22,632
I want a picture of Walter Cronkite
in a boat
1089
01:09:22,670 --> 01:09:24,570
where he's kind of still,
1090
01:09:24,605 --> 01:09:28,906
and $10,000
in Indian-Head nickels
1091
01:09:28,944 --> 01:09:32,107
in non-sequential
unmarked baggies!
1092
01:09:32,147 --> 01:09:34,342
I want to be part of
"The Family Ties."
1093
01:09:34,382 --> 01:09:36,441
What are you gonna do, Daddy?
1094
01:09:36,484 --> 01:09:38,179
I'm gonna save that man, son.
1095
01:09:38,219 --> 01:09:41,780
And I'm gonna live with Mallory
and we're gonna get bunk beds.
1096
01:09:41,823 --> 01:09:44,485
- That's impossible.
- I'm gonna kill this guy!
1097
01:09:44,526 --> 01:09:46,926
Let the man go, son.
1098
01:09:46,962 --> 01:09:50,261
I have pizza and a 747
1099
01:09:50,298 --> 01:09:52,789
on stand-by
with your name on it.
1100
01:09:52,834 --> 01:09:55,132
Yeah.
1101
01:09:55,170 --> 01:09:57,331
Yeah, okay.
That sounds good.
1102
01:10:00,475 --> 01:10:01,703
You lied to me!
1103
01:10:01,743 --> 01:10:03,973
- See, Tommy?
- What the fuck?
1104
01:10:04,012 --> 01:10:06,003
Nothing is impossible.
1105
01:10:24,700 --> 01:10:26,725
I got some demands!
1106
01:10:26,769 --> 01:10:28,760
I want a magical elf
1107
01:10:28,804 --> 01:10:31,295
and I want a special bag
to put him in,
1108
01:10:31,340 --> 01:10:33,604
so he can't use
his black magic on me.
1109
01:10:36,178 --> 01:10:37,839
No, please don't kill me.
1110
01:10:37,880 --> 01:10:40,144
This is impossible.
- Nothing's impossible.
1111
01:10:40,182 --> 01:10:42,207
I saw that Dennis Quaid movie
"Dragonheart."
1112
01:10:42,251 --> 01:10:45,311
- No, nothing's impossible.
- If dragons are real, I want one now.
1113
01:10:45,354 --> 01:10:47,822
And its fire-breathing mouth
is gonna burn all your shit.
1114
01:10:47,857 --> 01:10:50,724
- Nothing's impossible.
- Now if dragons are real,
1115
01:10:50,760 --> 01:10:52,751
I want a Komodo dragon.
1116
01:10:52,795 --> 01:10:55,263
And I'm gonna ride on its back
out of here.
1117
01:10:55,297 --> 01:10:58,289
I want to get one of the Olsen twins
down here
1118
01:10:58,334 --> 01:11:01,565
and I want a ring.
And I'm gonna make her my bride.
1119
01:11:01,604 --> 01:11:04,801
Which twin?
The good-dressed one
1120
01:11:04,840 --> 01:11:07,866
or the funky-vintage-cool,
hip chick?
1121
01:11:07,910 --> 01:11:10,504
I know you.
You were a child.
1122
01:11:10,546 --> 01:11:13,777
Your father... he's a hero.
1123
01:11:13,816 --> 01:11:15,716
I am safe!
1124
01:11:15,751 --> 01:11:19,085
I have a...
1125
01:11:20,123 --> 01:11:22,250
I have a bean-and-cheese burrito
1126
01:11:22,292 --> 01:11:24,055
and a Greyhound bus.
1127
01:11:25,362 --> 01:11:27,762
Yeah? Horseshit.
1128
01:11:31,234 --> 01:11:33,361
No.
1129
01:11:33,403 --> 01:11:37,464
No! No!
1130
01:11:43,346 --> 01:11:45,712
Those were just words, guys.
1131
01:11:45,749 --> 01:11:48,582
Everything I've ever done
has ended in failure.
1132
01:11:48,618 --> 01:11:53,578
I don't know why I thought
this would be any different.
1133
01:11:53,623 --> 01:11:55,614
I'm sorry.
1134
01:12:05,335 --> 01:12:07,269
Oh, hey hey hey.
1135
01:12:11,608 --> 01:12:15,477
What? I'm a little nervous.
This helps me relax.
1136
01:12:15,513 --> 01:12:17,572
What, is this Gitmo or something?
1137
01:12:17,615 --> 01:12:20,516
Are you gonna waterboard me?
1138
01:12:25,957 --> 01:12:27,948
72 seconds.
1139
01:12:32,029 --> 01:12:35,396
I gave you the benefit of the doubt,
don't know why.
1140
01:12:35,433 --> 01:12:39,130
All right, Billings, you win.
1141
01:12:39,170 --> 01:12:41,161
What?
1142
01:12:41,205 --> 01:12:42,866
What, is that the best
you can do, Tom?
1143
01:12:42,907 --> 01:12:46,104
Just give me the girl
and we'll walk away.
1144
01:12:46,144 --> 01:12:48,044
You're born and bred
for this kind of situation.
1145
01:12:48,079 --> 01:12:51,310
The least you could do is offer me
a burrito and a bus ticket.
1146
01:12:51,349 --> 01:12:52,714
Oh.
1147
01:12:54,652 --> 01:12:57,143
You've been a bad boy, Tommy.
1148
01:12:57,188 --> 01:12:59,782
You know what happens
to bad boys.
1149
01:13:01,659 --> 01:13:02,785
They get detention.
1150
01:13:02,827 --> 01:13:05,455
They get detent...
1151
01:13:05,496 --> 01:13:09,160
- They get detention.
- They get detention.
1152
01:13:09,201 --> 01:13:11,931
They get detention.
1153
01:13:11,970 --> 01:13:13,835
They get
detention.
1154
01:13:13,872 --> 01:13:17,865
Okay, we get it.
Thank you both.
1155
01:13:17,910 --> 01:13:19,434
Okay.
1156
01:13:19,478 --> 01:13:21,969
They get detention.
1157
01:13:22,014 --> 01:13:23,504
Don't say that again.
1158
01:13:23,549 --> 01:13:26,074
- They get detention.
- He's right, they get detention.
1159
01:13:26,118 --> 01:13:27,983
They get detention.
1160
01:13:28,020 --> 01:13:30,318
Shut up! Shut up!
1161
01:13:30,355 --> 01:13:31,982
Shut your fat mouth!
1162
01:13:33,292 --> 01:13:35,260
They get detention.
1163
01:13:45,137 --> 01:13:48,106
You guys won't get away with this!
1164
01:13:48,140 --> 01:13:50,700
- We already did, Tommy.
- Yeah, we already did, Tommy.
1165
01:13:53,245 --> 01:13:55,907
Hey, how long till more coconuts?
1166
01:14:00,652 --> 01:14:02,643
Thank you.
1167
01:14:07,493 --> 01:14:09,586
Can I sit here?
1168
01:14:09,629 --> 01:14:11,654
Sure.
1169
01:14:15,635 --> 01:14:18,763
Beef stroganoff looks good.
1170
01:14:18,805 --> 01:14:20,432
Ugh.
1171
01:14:20,473 --> 01:14:23,271
Frankie, this is ridiculous.
Come back to me.
1172
01:14:23,309 --> 01:14:26,176
Come on home to mama.
My nights are so lonely.
1173
01:14:26,212 --> 01:14:28,043
Maybe you should have
thought of that
1174
01:14:28,081 --> 01:14:30,345
before you went poking around
in Bartlett's pup tent.
1175
01:14:30,383 --> 01:14:32,442
It was only numbers, Frankie.
1176
01:14:32,485 --> 01:14:34,749
You still love me?
1177
01:14:34,787 --> 01:14:36,755
That's the thing, Carlotta,
1178
01:14:36,789 --> 01:14:40,725
I still love you as much
as I've ever loved an eight-year-old.
1179
01:14:42,295 --> 01:14:44,695
I'm in for a life of hurt with you,
1180
01:14:44,731 --> 01:14:47,325
I just know it,
1181
01:14:47,367 --> 01:14:49,096
but that's a hurt I need
1182
01:14:49,135 --> 01:14:53,469
like a cowboy craves coffee
and sunsets.
1183
01:14:58,579 --> 01:15:00,945
Sorry, kids, not red balls today.
1184
01:15:03,784 --> 01:15:06,548
Do you really still have
that click in your knees?
1185
01:15:12,826 --> 01:15:15,556
You know,
I don't understand, Tom.
1186
01:15:15,596 --> 01:15:18,588
Vice principal
of an elementary school?
1187
01:15:18,632 --> 01:15:21,396
You always wanted to follow
in your dad's footsteps.
1188
01:15:21,435 --> 01:15:25,303
I did.
I did follow him.
1189
01:15:25,339 --> 01:15:27,398
And a man is dead because of it.
1190
01:15:27,441 --> 01:15:30,171
He's not dead.
The bullet grazed his scalp. He's fine.
1191
01:15:30,210 --> 01:15:32,201
Well, he's dead to me.
1192
01:15:32,246 --> 01:15:34,009
Well, no one ever blamed you for it.
1193
01:15:34,048 --> 01:15:36,414
You're the only one
that cares anymore.
1194
01:15:36,450 --> 01:15:41,285
I'm a failed hostage negotiator
that just got kidnapped twice.
1195
01:15:41,322 --> 01:15:43,756
I'm washed up, Rebecca.
1196
01:15:43,791 --> 01:15:45,884
I've been washed up
my whole life.
1197
01:15:54,903 --> 01:15:56,962
Well, that's not how I see it.
1198
01:15:57,005 --> 01:15:59,803
I see you as this huge success.
1199
01:15:59,841 --> 01:16:02,173
You know I always wanted
to be a principal,
1200
01:16:02,210 --> 01:16:04,678
vice or otherwise?
1201
01:16:04,713 --> 01:16:06,704
No, I didn't know that.
1202
01:16:06,748 --> 01:16:09,740
It's true.
So you should be proud of yourself.
1203
01:16:09,784 --> 01:16:14,084
You're a good man
when you're not acting like a total pussy.
1204
01:16:16,391 --> 01:16:20,725
You know, I had the biggest
crush on you in high school.
1205
01:16:22,197 --> 01:16:25,166
Why didn't you ever say anything?
1206
01:16:25,200 --> 01:16:27,395
Why didn't you?
1207
01:16:29,404 --> 01:16:32,339
Did you just inhale
spray-paint fumes?
1208
01:16:32,374 --> 01:16:34,899
Yeah.
1209
01:16:36,945 --> 01:16:39,607
Rebecca, why?
1210
01:16:39,647 --> 01:16:43,708
I guess I'm running away
from my own failures,
1211
01:16:43,752 --> 01:16:46,016
from myself.
1212
01:16:46,054 --> 01:16:50,458
Well, maybe you should start
running towards something
1213
01:16:50,493 --> 01:16:53,223
for a change.
1214
01:16:53,262 --> 01:16:55,753
What, is this The Hague?
1215
01:16:55,798 --> 01:16:58,096
Is this some sort of
1216
01:16:58,134 --> 01:17:04,266
international tribunal court?
1217
01:17:05,307 --> 01:17:07,639
Is this The Hague?
1218
01:17:07,676 --> 01:17:10,076
The school's totally
gonna get shut down.
1219
01:17:10,112 --> 01:17:13,548
Billings will give you $3
if you join his side.
1220
01:17:13,582 --> 01:17:15,846
They're passing out
pitchforks and napalm.
1221
01:17:15,885 --> 01:17:18,479
There's some sort of dirty bomb
in the teachers' lounge.
1222
01:17:18,521 --> 01:17:21,354
The principal's gonna put us
on lockdown.
1223
01:17:21,390 --> 01:17:25,292
My father's gonna go crazy
if I get killed or maimed.
1224
01:17:25,327 --> 01:17:28,626
This is so stupid.
Where's the goddamn locksmith?
1225
01:17:30,332 --> 01:17:32,323
"Save Tom.
1226
01:17:32,368 --> 01:17:34,632
I need you to be the man."
Why don't you be the man?
1227
01:17:34,670 --> 01:17:36,331
Fuck this noise!
1228
01:17:40,276 --> 01:17:42,506
Come on, Jesse,
you don't fool me.
1229
01:17:42,545 --> 01:17:44,207
I know those things
are just blanks.
1230
01:17:44,247 --> 01:17:45,908
Remember we used to
scare the shit
1231
01:17:45,949 --> 01:17:48,383
out of the kid with a leaky bladder
with that thing?
1232
01:17:50,220 --> 01:17:52,415
Oh, you are gonna shoot me?
1233
01:17:52,456 --> 01:17:54,447
You're gonna shoot me?
1234
01:17:54,491 --> 01:17:57,551
What, are you gonna blow me away?
You're gonna waste me?
1235
01:17:57,594 --> 01:17:59,459
Okay, come on.
1236
01:17:59,496 --> 01:18:01,464
Put it right here, asshole.
1237
01:18:01,498 --> 01:18:04,399
A real man could shoot this shit.
You can't.
1238
01:18:06,903 --> 01:18:09,633
Oh, shit. Jesse.
1239
01:18:17,180 --> 01:18:20,638
Oh, God.
What the fuck, man?
1240
01:18:20,684 --> 01:18:22,481
You shot me!
1241
01:18:22,519 --> 01:18:25,079
Dude, it's just rock salt.
1242
01:18:25,121 --> 01:18:27,612
How bad is it? How bad is it?
1243
01:18:27,657 --> 01:18:30,524
Bro, come on. Minor surgery...
you're good as new.
1244
01:18:30,560 --> 01:18:32,425
It's a total outpatient thing.
1245
01:18:47,745 --> 01:18:50,213
Give me one.
Give me one.
1246
01:18:54,051 --> 01:18:57,282
Hello. Hey.
1247
01:18:57,321 --> 01:18:59,687
Nothing to see here, guys.
1248
01:19:01,325 --> 01:19:05,591
Just a non-event, seriously,
1249
01:19:05,630 --> 01:19:08,155
a non-event.
1250
01:19:08,199 --> 01:19:10,463
You guys can just
be on your way
1251
01:19:10,501 --> 01:19:13,766
and we'll be good to go,
1252
01:19:13,804 --> 01:19:16,568
unless you want to grab
some pizza or something,
1253
01:19:16,607 --> 01:19:18,768
go bowling.
1254
01:19:20,344 --> 01:19:22,744
Yeah, get out of here.
1255
01:19:22,780 --> 01:19:24,805
You've got stuff to do.
1256
01:19:27,084 --> 01:19:29,644
Bingo.
1257
01:19:33,257 --> 01:19:35,055
Hey, Jesse.
1258
01:19:36,094 --> 01:19:38,119
A man has been shot.
1259
01:19:43,602 --> 01:19:45,797
Sir, we're losing men out there.
1260
01:19:49,408 --> 01:19:51,433
- Sound it.
- Sound the alarm.
1261
01:19:51,476 --> 01:19:54,639
Sound the alarm. Sound the alarm.
1262
01:19:59,017 --> 01:20:01,918
No. No no no no,
the news vans haven't gotten here yet.
1263
01:20:01,954 --> 01:20:03,979
Come on, come on, come on.
1264
01:20:06,625 --> 01:20:09,093
That's lockdown, people.
1265
01:20:13,265 --> 01:20:15,995
Three more hours
to wait these assholes out.
1266
01:20:17,336 --> 01:20:20,169
We'll never get out alive!
1267
01:20:40,059 --> 01:20:42,994
You guys are over there
and we're over here.
1268
01:20:48,201 --> 01:20:49,896
Quiet!
1269
01:21:00,146 --> 01:21:02,808
So this is what it's come to, huh?
1270
01:21:04,250 --> 01:21:06,411
Look at you all.
1271
01:21:06,452 --> 01:21:09,910
You traitors.
You freaks.
1272
01:21:10,957 --> 01:21:15,018
I built this school
with my own hands.
1273
01:21:16,562 --> 01:21:20,692
I pounded nails like Jesus.
1274
01:21:20,733 --> 01:21:22,928
I built stairways for our youth
1275
01:21:22,969 --> 01:21:25,530
to vibrant and rewarding lives.
1276
01:21:25,572 --> 01:21:27,335
And this is how you repay me?
1277
01:21:27,374 --> 01:21:30,935
You're welcome.
You're welcome.
1278
01:21:30,978 --> 01:21:33,708
Now let's stop this donnybrook
before it can start.
1279
01:21:33,747 --> 01:21:36,511
Lay down your weapons,
join me
1280
01:21:36,550 --> 01:21:38,916
and we can all break bread
as men,
1281
01:21:38,952 --> 01:21:41,750
or suffer wrath at my hands.
1282
01:21:46,493 --> 01:21:48,518
My flute!
1283
01:21:48,562 --> 01:21:50,553
My flute!
1284
01:21:50,597 --> 01:21:53,430
Stupid.
1285
01:21:55,903 --> 01:21:58,428
You broke that kid's flute.
1286
01:22:01,508 --> 01:22:04,068
That kid could play the hell
out of the flute.
1287
01:22:05,079 --> 01:22:07,104
What the fuck is wrong with you?
1288
01:22:07,147 --> 01:22:09,274
Asshole.
1289
01:22:10,517 --> 01:22:13,645
Everybody, Billings is right.
1290
01:22:13,687 --> 01:22:17,748
Let's stop this
before it starts, okay?
1291
01:22:17,791 --> 01:22:20,625
But I want to tell
all of you teachers a story first.
1292
01:22:22,063 --> 01:22:25,555
This morning a little girl came to me
with gravy all over her head.
1293
01:22:26,835 --> 01:22:28,894
Hey there, Adelle.
1294
01:22:28,937 --> 01:22:32,134
She came to me for help.
And you know what?
1295
01:22:32,173 --> 01:22:34,437
I saw her as a burden.
1296
01:22:34,476 --> 01:22:36,137
Yeah.
1297
01:22:36,177 --> 01:22:38,805
And that sort of thing
is happening too much around here,
1298
01:22:38,847 --> 01:22:41,213
from me, from the rest of you,
1299
01:22:41,249 --> 01:22:44,810
and yes, from our principal.
1300
01:22:44,853 --> 01:22:47,219
Have we forgotten about
our school namesake,
1301
01:22:47,255 --> 01:22:49,985
Miss Geraldine Ferraro,
1302
01:22:50,024 --> 01:22:55,087
one-time female
vice-presidential candidate
1303
01:22:55,130 --> 01:22:57,121
for America?
1304
01:22:57,165 --> 01:22:59,156
There's a lesson there, I think.
1305
01:22:59,200 --> 01:23:02,601
Too many of us have forgotten
why we got into teaching in the first place.
1306
01:23:02,637 --> 01:23:04,798
Too many of us are focused
on our pensions and our tenures
1307
01:23:04,839 --> 01:23:07,774
instead of the most important thing...
1308
01:23:07,809 --> 01:23:10,300
the kids.
1309
01:23:10,345 --> 01:23:12,939
Don't we want to fight
for anything anymore?
1310
01:23:12,981 --> 01:23:15,507
Are we just gonna
sit back and watch
1311
01:23:15,551 --> 01:23:19,578
while other people use fear
and money as a weapon?
1312
01:23:19,622 --> 01:23:23,752
I say we stand up for the most
important weapon there is...
1313
01:23:25,294 --> 01:23:27,285
knowledge.
1314
01:23:27,329 --> 01:23:29,695
Knowledge?
1315
01:23:29,732 --> 01:23:33,065
How is knowledge
better than fear and money?
1316
01:23:33,102 --> 01:23:35,002
Knowledge is power!
1317
01:23:35,037 --> 01:23:37,631
Oh, really, little boy?
Well, what if I took a gun
1318
01:23:37,673 --> 01:23:39,732
and I shot your dad in the face?
1319
01:23:39,775 --> 01:23:42,005
Hmm? Where's the power then?
1320
01:23:42,044 --> 01:23:44,137
Is the quadratic equation
gonna save him?
1321
01:23:44,180 --> 01:23:46,307
No no, I doubt it,
1322
01:23:46,348 --> 01:23:48,339
because you know what?
1323
01:23:48,384 --> 01:23:50,215
His brains are splattered
all over your mom,
1324
01:23:50,252 --> 01:23:53,153
who... guess what... I could
also shoot if I wanted to.
1325
01:23:53,189 --> 01:23:55,384
You can all do your peacenik
beret-wearing,
1326
01:23:55,424 --> 01:23:57,153
hippie bullshit dance if you want,
1327
01:23:57,193 --> 01:23:59,753
but soon you're gonna realize
how the real world works.
1328
01:23:59,795 --> 01:24:02,559
Hey! Get back here!
1329
01:24:02,598 --> 01:24:04,589
Get back here!
1330
01:24:04,633 --> 01:24:07,363
Don't slide away from me.
1331
01:24:07,403 --> 01:24:09,928
Hey, let's rally.
Let's rally, huh?
1332
01:24:09,972 --> 01:24:14,205
Buddy up, come on.
Buddy up.
1333
01:24:16,146 --> 01:24:17,511
Melody.
1334
01:24:17,547 --> 01:24:19,913
You never supported us, Harper.
1335
01:24:21,251 --> 01:24:23,583
And you squashed my dreams.
1336
01:24:23,620 --> 01:24:25,383
I wanted to be a novelist.
1337
01:24:26,423 --> 01:24:28,914
Oh.
1338
01:24:28,959 --> 01:24:31,655
Oh, well, that's a novel idea.
1339
01:24:31,695 --> 01:24:34,664
Why don't you sell some novelties
while you're at it?
1340
01:24:39,569 --> 01:24:41,867
That's not mine.
1341
01:24:43,573 --> 01:24:47,600
Look, I don't agree with anything
that asshole was saying,
1342
01:24:47,644 --> 01:24:50,272
but it seems kind of gay
if it's just the two of us.
1343
01:24:51,781 --> 01:24:53,772
I gotta go.
1344
01:25:08,199 --> 01:25:10,895
You suck, Billings.
1345
01:25:22,480 --> 01:25:26,541
So now what?
The school's still gonna get shut down.
1346
01:25:26,584 --> 01:25:29,917
What in God's name
is going on here?
1347
01:25:29,954 --> 01:25:31,649
Chairman Parpadelle.
1348
01:25:31,689 --> 01:25:33,418
Chairwoman, thank you.
1349
01:25:33,457 --> 01:25:36,585
Why is everyone standing around?
1350
01:25:36,627 --> 01:25:37,821
Thank God you're here.
1351
01:25:37,862 --> 01:25:40,797
Principal Billings has been
stealing money from this school.
1352
01:25:40,831 --> 01:25:43,299
Stealing? Really?
1353
01:25:43,334 --> 01:25:45,302
And where is Principal Billings?
1354
01:25:45,336 --> 01:25:47,133
He went to his office.
1355
01:25:47,171 --> 01:25:49,139
Like a whiny little bitch!
1356
01:25:49,173 --> 01:25:52,165
- Okay.
- Oh...
1357
01:25:52,209 --> 01:25:54,973
Look, Mrs. Parpadelle,
1358
01:25:55,012 --> 01:25:58,641
ma'am, we know you want
to close our school,
1359
01:25:58,683 --> 01:26:01,881
but we have shown more spirit
in the last few hours
1360
01:26:01,920 --> 01:26:03,911
than we have in the last
few years.
1361
01:26:03,956 --> 01:26:06,424
Spirit and a dollar
will get you
1362
01:26:06,458 --> 01:26:08,426
a diet Sprite and a smile, son.
1363
01:26:08,460 --> 01:26:10,587
I've heard what you've said.
1364
01:26:10,629 --> 01:26:13,291
I'll speak to Principal Billings.
1365
01:26:21,473 --> 01:26:23,464
Something isn't right.
1366
01:26:23,508 --> 01:26:26,136
I can feel it.
1367
01:26:26,178 --> 01:26:28,510
Vice Principal,
1368
01:26:28,547 --> 01:26:30,538
I know someone who can help.
1369
01:26:38,190 --> 01:26:40,954
The past is the past, Bartlett.
1370
01:26:40,993 --> 01:26:43,223
We don't need to put it behind us.
1371
01:26:43,261 --> 01:26:45,786
It's already there.
1372
01:27:02,015 --> 01:27:03,676
Go go go.
1373
01:27:03,716 --> 01:27:06,617
Okay,
1374
01:27:06,652 --> 01:27:08,017
out of my way.
1375
01:27:08,054 --> 01:27:10,989
Would you please just step to the...?
1376
01:27:11,024 --> 01:27:12,889
Out of my way!
1377
01:27:15,161 --> 01:27:17,186
Who the hell are you guys?
1378
01:27:23,202 --> 01:27:24,726
I don't understand that move.
1379
01:27:24,771 --> 01:27:28,036
Aren't you guys on the same team?
1380
01:27:28,074 --> 01:27:30,406
All right, if you're gonna shock me
1381
01:27:30,443 --> 01:27:33,935
with the cattle prod, do it now.
1382
01:27:33,980 --> 01:27:37,381
If not, get out the goddamn way,
all right?
1383
01:27:44,991 --> 01:27:47,221
As of 3:00 this afternoon
1384
01:27:47,260 --> 01:27:50,593
Geraldine Ferraro Elementary will cease
to be part of the school district.
1385
01:27:50,630 --> 01:27:53,361
- What?
- That's final. Good day.
1386
01:27:53,400 --> 01:27:55,061
Wait wait wait,
1387
01:27:55,102 --> 01:27:57,468
you can't do that.
1388
01:27:57,504 --> 01:27:59,995
I just did.
1389
01:28:00,040 --> 01:28:04,101
This school will no longer be a cancer
on our fine county.
1390
01:28:04,144 --> 01:28:07,511
I'd watch what you say
when you leave here.
1391
01:28:07,548 --> 01:28:10,210
Slander's a serious crime, Tom.
1392
01:28:10,250 --> 01:28:12,650
You've already screwed up
one career.
1393
01:28:12,686 --> 01:28:15,154
Don't make a habit of it.
1394
01:28:16,323 --> 01:28:19,815
Forget about this dump.
Give it up. Go home.
1395
01:28:26,333 --> 01:28:29,097
- $30,000.
- $50,000,
1396
01:28:29,136 --> 01:28:32,105
Harper, dear.
In light of this here disaster
1397
01:28:32,139 --> 01:28:33,868
it's a bargain to get me
to be quiet.
1398
01:28:33,907 --> 01:28:35,932
Shut that off this instant.
1399
01:28:35,976 --> 01:28:38,137
- 40 thou.
- 45,
1400
01:28:38,178 --> 01:28:41,841
- and I get to see that big hog of yours.
- I'm on it.
1401
01:28:45,519 --> 01:28:48,080
Your hands
are so rough.
1402
01:28:48,123 --> 01:28:51,183
Okay, now let me see your vag.
1403
01:28:56,231 --> 01:28:58,426
Fucking embarrassing.
1404
01:28:58,466 --> 01:29:00,457
It's gross.
1405
01:29:00,502 --> 01:29:03,027
We got a deal.
1406
01:29:03,071 --> 01:29:05,562
That's enough.
1407
01:29:05,607 --> 01:29:07,973
Yeah, it sure is.
1408
01:29:08,009 --> 01:29:10,910
You disgust me, Miss Parpadelle.
1409
01:29:10,945 --> 01:29:12,173
Me too.
1410
01:29:12,213 --> 01:29:16,309
But you should really get that checked out.
I mean, that sounds horrible.
1411
01:29:16,351 --> 01:29:20,344
That's no way to talk
to the chairwoman of the school board.
1412
01:29:20,388 --> 01:29:23,619
Oh, I don't think you are
in any position to tell us
1413
01:29:23,658 --> 01:29:26,422
what to do, Miss Parpadelle.
1414
01:29:26,461 --> 01:29:27,951
Here's what's gonna happen:
1415
01:29:27,996 --> 01:29:30,988
You're going back to the board.
You're gonna tell them
1416
01:29:31,032 --> 01:29:34,365
that we are headed
in the right direction
1417
01:29:34,402 --> 01:29:38,099
and as of tomorrow we will be
under new management.
1418
01:29:38,139 --> 01:29:40,505
You're in
way over your head, Tom.
1419
01:29:40,542 --> 01:29:42,807
- Shut up, Harper.
- Okay.
1420
01:29:44,380 --> 01:29:45,870
And the tape?
1421
01:29:45,915 --> 01:29:48,076
You do all that
1422
01:29:48,117 --> 01:29:49,744
and I'll destroy the tape.
1423
01:29:49,785 --> 01:29:51,582
I'll take the tape.
1424
01:29:53,856 --> 01:29:56,654
The failed negotiator
learns to negotiate.
1425
01:29:56,692 --> 01:29:58,023
Touching.
1426
01:29:58,060 --> 01:30:01,427
And I'm assuming
you'll want the principal job?
1427
01:30:01,463 --> 01:30:03,897
Actually, no,
not even if you doubled
1428
01:30:03,933 --> 01:30:07,130
my miserable excuse
for a salary.
1429
01:30:07,169 --> 01:30:09,637
No no, I think
1430
01:30:09,672 --> 01:30:11,401
we need someone
from the outside,
1431
01:30:11,440 --> 01:30:13,635
someone who is smart,
passionate,
1432
01:30:13,676 --> 01:30:15,667
and has just been waiting
for the chance
1433
01:30:15,711 --> 01:30:18,680
to stand up
and prove themselves,
1434
01:30:18,714 --> 01:30:21,444
someone like you,
Rebecca.
1435
01:30:21,483 --> 01:30:22,711
Me?
1436
01:30:24,587 --> 01:30:28,079
She's just some drug-addled...
agh! Agh!
1437
01:30:29,992 --> 01:30:31,391
Is that all?
1438
01:30:31,427 --> 01:30:33,952
And show us your vag.
1439
01:30:36,866 --> 01:30:39,061
Okay, maybe that's...
no, we don't need to do that at all.
1440
01:30:39,102 --> 01:30:40,626
And your butthole!
1441
01:30:40,670 --> 01:30:42,228
We don't need to see that either.
1442
01:30:42,272 --> 01:30:45,264
And your titties!
1443
01:30:45,308 --> 01:30:48,766
I'm so sorry.
I don't know what's happening.
1444
01:30:48,812 --> 01:30:50,905
We don't need to see any of that.
It's all inappropriate.
1445
01:30:50,947 --> 01:30:53,438
- We don't want to see...
- You have a deal, young man.
1446
01:30:53,483 --> 01:30:56,748
The school remains open.
1447
01:31:07,597 --> 01:31:10,122
Everybody shut up.
1448
01:31:11,134 --> 01:31:14,433
Good on you.
1449
01:31:14,471 --> 01:31:16,462
Are my eyes closed?
1450
01:31:17,641 --> 01:31:19,541
Are my eyes closed?
1451
01:31:59,583 --> 01:32:02,245
There are styrofoam peanuts in this.
1452
01:32:08,526 --> 01:32:10,926
Shit.
1453
01:32:12,663 --> 01:32:14,494
I think I'm ready for that beer now.
1454
01:32:15,566 --> 01:32:17,727
I think I'll buy it for you.
1455
01:32:17,768 --> 01:32:20,259
Come on, let's get out of here.
1456
01:32:24,575 --> 01:32:26,976
putting the handy
back in handicapped.
1457
01:32:27,012 --> 01:32:29,879
And breaking word on the story
we told you about this morning:
1458
01:32:29,915 --> 01:32:32,884
A scandal is unfolding
at Geraldine Ferraro Elementary
1459
01:32:32,918 --> 01:32:35,546
involving millions of dollars
of embezzled district money.
1460
01:32:35,587 --> 01:32:38,818
Police raided Principal Harper Billings's
condo late this afternoon.
1461
01:32:38,857 --> 01:32:40,757
Students and faculty
were victorious
1462
01:32:40,792 --> 01:32:42,521
in their fight to save the school
from closure
1463
01:32:42,561 --> 01:32:45,359
and they celebrated with a dance
in the school cafeteria.
1464
01:32:46,365 --> 01:32:48,993
- One...
- Two...
1465
01:32:49,034 --> 01:32:50,023
Three!
1466
01:32:55,907 --> 01:32:58,705
Hey.
1467
01:33:03,115 --> 01:33:05,845
You were really great out there, Frankie.
1468
01:33:05,884 --> 01:33:07,476
I know,
1469
01:33:07,519 --> 01:33:09,282
but that's how you separate a man
1470
01:33:09,321 --> 01:33:11,380
from a second-grader, right?
1471
01:33:11,423 --> 01:33:14,915
I have no idea, but it turns me on.
1472
01:33:14,960 --> 01:33:16,689
Say it slower, girl.
1473
01:33:31,277 --> 01:33:32,835
Hello, Nurse Gretchen.
1474
01:33:32,879 --> 01:33:35,109
Hi, Mr. Abernathy.
1475
01:33:35,148 --> 01:33:39,312
May I have this dance?
1476
01:33:40,319 --> 01:33:41,445
Sure.
1477
01:33:41,487 --> 01:33:43,546
Oh, shit. Fuck, yes.
1478
01:33:43,589 --> 01:33:46,057
Oh. Oh, fuck me, yes.
1479
01:33:46,092 --> 01:33:47,719
I thought you'd be totally
1480
01:33:47,760 --> 01:33:49,751
creeped out by me now, so I wasn't sure.
1481
01:33:49,796 --> 01:33:51,696
Yeah, well, Turner,
1482
01:33:51,731 --> 01:33:53,995
you are intense,
1483
01:33:54,033 --> 01:33:56,968
but you've got a lot of heart
1484
01:33:57,003 --> 01:33:59,130
and your students really love you.
1485
01:33:59,172 --> 01:34:00,764
I also love my turtles.
1486
01:34:00,807 --> 01:34:01,796
I know.
1487
01:34:01,841 --> 01:34:03,570
I love my turtles so much.
1488
01:34:03,609 --> 01:34:06,407
Okay, why don't we slow it up a bit,
1489
01:34:06,446 --> 01:34:08,505
take it one step at a time?
1490
01:34:08,548 --> 01:34:10,277
- Yeah.
- Okay.
1491
01:34:10,316 --> 01:34:13,046
Whew.
1492
01:34:13,085 --> 01:34:15,178
Um...
1493
01:34:17,558 --> 01:34:19,219
Oh. Okay.
1494
01:34:21,361 --> 01:34:23,192
There.
1495
01:34:32,105 --> 01:34:34,073
# I was once a young man,
smart and patient #
1496
01:34:34,107 --> 01:34:36,041
# Went to work,
took an average vacation #
1497
01:34:36,076 --> 01:34:39,671
# Now I'm into booze and procrastination
'cause I'm in education #
1498
01:34:39,713 --> 01:34:41,476
# Look at me now,
barely paying my rent #
1499
01:34:41,515 --> 01:34:43,346
# Got 100 grand in gambling debt #
1500
01:34:43,383 --> 01:34:45,146
# Got a bottle of Jack
stashed in my desk #
1501
01:34:45,185 --> 01:34:47,813
# Yes, I'm in education #
1502
01:34:47,855 --> 01:34:51,450
# I'm an educator, baby,
a teacher of young minds #
1503
01:34:51,492 --> 01:34:53,551
# We're gonna watch "Big Lebowski"
today, kids #
1504
01:34:53,594 --> 01:34:55,255
# Suzie, shut the blinds #
1505
01:34:55,295 --> 01:34:57,160
# I phone in my lesson plan #
1506
01:34:57,197 --> 01:34:59,028
# I take three months of vacation #
1507
01:34:59,066 --> 01:35:03,196
# Yeah, I'm in education #
1508
01:35:04,371 --> 01:35:06,805
# Well, I teach my kids
to avoid drugs #
1509
01:35:06,840 --> 01:35:08,432
# But I got a closet
full of nugs #
1510
01:35:08,475 --> 01:35:10,340
# Got arrested for giving
a young girls a hug #
1511
01:35:10,377 --> 01:35:12,242
# Yep, I'm in education #
1512
01:35:12,279 --> 01:35:14,077
# Been divorced twice
for sleeping around #
1513
01:35:14,115 --> 01:35:15,810
# I'm wanted in two other towns #
1514
01:35:15,850 --> 01:35:17,750
# Just had sex
in the teachers' lounge #
1515
01:35:17,785 --> 01:35:20,276
# Yep, I'm in education #
1516
01:35:20,321 --> 01:35:23,688
# I'm an educator, baby,
a molder of young minds #
1517
01:35:23,725 --> 01:35:25,716
# I think we'll watch
"Three Amigos" #
1518
01:35:25,760 --> 01:35:27,785
# So, Suzie, shut the blinds #
1519
01:35:27,829 --> 01:35:29,626
# I'm completely underqualified #
1520
01:35:29,664 --> 01:35:31,495
# For this job I'm dead wrong #
1521
01:35:31,533 --> 01:35:33,501
# I phone in my lesson plan #
1522
01:35:33,535 --> 01:35:35,935
# And get drunk all summer long #
1523
01:35:35,970 --> 01:35:38,165
# Well, I organize field trips #
1524
01:35:38,206 --> 01:35:39,935
# To the beach #
1525
01:35:43,778 --> 01:35:47,373
# They say, those who can't do well,
we teach #
1526
01:35:47,415 --> 01:35:50,714
# I said, yeah, I'm in education #
1527
01:35:50,752 --> 01:35:53,084
# Where every day I come in drunk #
1528
01:35:53,121 --> 01:35:54,986
# The kids' parents think
I'm a monk #
1529
01:35:55,023 --> 01:35:56,786
# If I took my own class
I'd probably flunk #
1530
01:35:56,824 --> 01:35:58,758
# Yep, I'm in education #
1531
01:35:58,793 --> 01:36:00,522
# Make 10 Gs a year,
I'm full of sorrow #
1532
01:36:00,562 --> 01:36:02,427
# My school's named after
Geraldine Ferraro #
1533
01:36:02,463 --> 01:36:04,294
# I know I owe you cash, kid,
I'll pay you tomorrow #
1534
01:36:04,332 --> 01:36:06,630
# I'm in education #
1535
01:36:06,668 --> 01:36:08,660
# I'm an educator, baby #
1536
01:36:08,704 --> 01:36:10,604
# A teacher of young minds #
1537
01:36:10,639 --> 01:36:12,504
# We're gonna watch
"Animal House," kids #
1538
01:36:12,541 --> 01:36:14,168
# Suzie, shut the blinds #
1539
01:36:14,209 --> 01:36:16,370
# I phone in my lesson plan #
1540
01:36:16,412 --> 01:36:18,346
# And get three months of vacation #
1541
01:36:18,380 --> 01:36:21,838
# Yeah, I'm in education #
1542
01:36:22,918 --> 01:36:25,546
# Well, our principal takes himself
chocolate baths #
1543
01:36:25,588 --> 01:36:27,453
# Let's blow off science
for some arts and crafts #
1544
01:36:27,489 --> 01:36:29,252
# Got a 9 on my SATs,
but I teach math #
1545
01:36:29,291 --> 01:36:31,282
# I'm in education #
1546
01:36:31,327 --> 01:36:34,660
# The day goes faster
when I'm on speed #
1547
01:36:34,697 --> 01:36:36,722
# 28, and I can barely read #
1548
01:36:36,765 --> 01:36:38,790
# But I'll give your kids
what they need #
1549
01:36:38,834 --> 01:36:41,394
# 'Cause I'm in education #
1550
01:36:41,437 --> 01:36:44,167
# Well, I'm off
to the teachers' lounge #
1551
01:36:44,206 --> 01:36:46,140
# For some masturbation #
1552
01:36:46,175 --> 01:36:51,135
# Yeah, I'm in education... #
1553
01:36:51,180 --> 01:36:56,015
E-D-U-K-A-S-H-U-N,
or something like that
1554
01:36:56,051 --> 01:36:58,178
How many years
till my tenure?
1555
01:36:58,220 --> 01:36:59,710
What?
1556
01:36:59,755 --> 01:37:01,245
God damn it.
1557
01:37:01,246 --> 01:37:02,246
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