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1
00:00:01,068 --> 00:00:02,865
So then the guy says
to the housekeeper:
2
00:00:03,070 --> 00:00:06,335
"Make sure she's dead."
Stop me if you've heard this before.
3
00:00:06,540 --> 00:00:08,440
Would've been nice
27 minutes ago.
4
00:00:08,642 --> 00:00:12,078
The housekeeper says to the guy,
"We don't have a pool."
5
00:00:12,279 --> 00:00:13,371
[LAUGHlNG]
6
00:00:13,581 --> 00:00:14,570
And the guy says--
7
00:00:14,782 --> 00:00:16,147
PELTON [OVER PA]:
Good morning, Greendale.
8
00:00:16,350 --> 00:00:18,648
Just a reminder,
our debate team will bring home
9
00:00:18,853 --> 00:00:21,083
the championship tomorrow
versus City College.
10
00:00:21,655 --> 00:00:22,917
Go, Human Beings.
11
00:00:23,124 --> 00:00:26,184
Great, now I gotta start
the whole joke over again.
12
00:00:26,660 --> 00:00:29,060
Okay, so this--
No! I've got one for you.
13
00:00:29,263 --> 00:00:31,925
A doddering old fool
walks into a bar,
14
00:00:32,133 --> 00:00:35,466
tells a stupid joke,
and I crush his windpipe
with my three-ringed binder.
15
00:00:35,669 --> 00:00:37,136
[SHlRLEY CHUCKLES]
16
00:00:37,338 --> 00:00:39,431
I don't get it.
Britta's trying to give up cigarettes.
17
00:00:39,640 --> 00:00:40,937
BRlTTA:
Don't tell them my business.
18
00:00:41,142 --> 00:00:44,339
I'll slap that look
off your pointy face.
19
00:00:44,545 --> 00:00:49,608
Britta, I'm saying this because I care
about you and you're my friend.
20
00:00:49,817 --> 00:00:51,284
You need to start smoking again.
21
00:00:51,485 --> 00:00:52,884
SHlRLEY:
I really think you should.
22
00:00:53,087 --> 00:00:56,022
You lose weight and your skin
looks great when you smoke.
23
00:00:56,223 --> 00:00:58,783
Guys, I appreciate your support,
but I've got to quit.
24
00:00:58,993 --> 00:01:00,688
Have you thought
about hypnotherapy?
25
00:01:00,895 --> 00:01:03,386
I know a hypnotherapist.
Ten-to-one says it's him.
26
00:01:03,597 --> 00:01:06,794
His name is Pierce Hawthorne.
And I'm very effective.
27
00:01:07,001 --> 00:01:10,596
Can you help me block out people's
voices I find extremely annoying?
28
00:01:10,805 --> 00:01:12,534
Jeff, she's right there.
29
00:01:12,740 --> 00:01:14,230
Pierce,
30
00:01:14,442 --> 00:01:16,376
I would be grateful for your help.
31
00:01:16,577 --> 00:01:19,273
You would? Super. I'll set it up.
32
00:01:19,480 --> 00:01:20,970
[WHlSPERlNG]
What? I feel bad for him.
33
00:01:21,182 --> 00:01:22,581
Plus, I just yelled at him.
34
00:01:22,783 --> 00:01:24,114
You yelled at me too.
Oh.
35
00:01:24,318 --> 00:01:25,979
Did I hurt your feelings,
pointy face?
36
00:01:26,187 --> 00:01:27,779
Wow. Wow.
37
00:01:27,988 --> 00:01:30,582
Have you seen
the film department's website?
38
00:01:30,791 --> 00:01:32,588
What do you think?
39
00:01:33,127 --> 00:01:35,755
All of Abed's films are about us.
What?
40
00:01:35,963 --> 00:01:37,430
TROY:
Check it out.
41
00:01:37,631 --> 00:01:38,962
[ELECTRONlC MUSlC PLAYS]
42
00:01:39,166 --> 00:01:40,155
What else is new?
43
00:01:40,367 --> 00:01:41,459
ALL:
Jeff.
44
00:01:41,669 --> 00:01:42,636
Hola.
45
00:01:42,837 --> 00:01:45,567
Jeff, stop being so relaxed.
We need to talk to you about--
46
00:01:45,773 --> 00:01:49,231
You're living out of your car. Why on
earth are you living out of your car?
47
00:01:49,443 --> 00:01:51,570
Those people look just like us.
That's eerie.
48
00:01:51,779 --> 00:01:55,010
Fine, it's true.
I'm living out of my car.
49
00:01:55,382 --> 00:01:56,576
And I don't want anyone's help.
50
00:01:56,784 --> 00:01:57,978
[MUSlC PLAYlNG ON VlDEO]
51
00:01:58,185 --> 00:02:00,745
We had almost that
exact conversation last week.
52
00:02:00,955 --> 00:02:03,788
Yeah, but Abed posted
this video two weeks ago.
53
00:02:03,991 --> 00:02:04,980
[GASPS]
54
00:02:05,192 --> 00:02:06,352
That boy is a soothsayer.
55
00:02:08,696 --> 00:02:11,665
This is wrinkling my brain.
This is wrinkling my brain.
56
00:02:11,866 --> 00:02:13,333
That's wrinkling my brain.
57
00:02:13,534 --> 00:02:15,126
Get a load of these wrinkles.
58
00:02:15,369 --> 00:02:18,497
Heh, heh. Who's that old guy?
Hi. I'm Pierce Hawthorne.
59
00:02:18,706 --> 00:02:19,866
Oh, come on.
60
00:02:20,074 --> 00:02:22,042
[THE 88'S "AT LEAST
lT WAS HERE" PLAYS]
61
00:02:26,914 --> 00:02:29,007
There he is.
Oh. Mr. Winger. Hold on.
62
00:02:29,216 --> 00:02:31,776
Did you to hear my announcement?
I hang on every word.
63
00:02:31,986 --> 00:02:33,749
I assume that's sarcasm.
Correct.
64
00:02:33,954 --> 00:02:35,751
You didn't hear?
I'm barely listening now.
65
00:02:35,956 --> 00:02:36,945
Oh, okay.
66
00:02:37,158 --> 00:02:40,355
My debate partner dropped out.
We need you for the championship.
67
00:02:40,561 --> 00:02:43,621
Jeffrey, as debate coach,
I'm offering you an opportunity
68
00:02:43,831 --> 00:02:46,197
to spend a night
drinking from the cup of life
69
00:02:46,400 --> 00:02:48,994
rather than romancing your nether
regions in front of the E! Channel.
70
00:02:49,203 --> 00:02:53,003
Come on, Jeff, who better than
a former lawyer to really stick it
71
00:02:53,207 --> 00:02:56,665
to those City College snobs
and their star debater, Simmons?
72
00:02:56,877 --> 00:02:59,209
Mmm. Pass.
73
00:02:59,747 --> 00:03:01,044
Okay, no, no, no. Wait.
74
00:03:01,248 --> 00:03:02,374
Okay, no, no, no. Look.
75
00:03:02,583 --> 00:03:03,572
Listen, jerk wad.
76
00:03:03,784 --> 00:03:05,945
I'm sorry, that got heated.
77
00:03:06,153 --> 00:03:07,586
Greendale needs a win.
78
00:03:07,788 --> 00:03:10,348
The best compliment
our sports program gets
79
00:03:10,558 --> 00:03:12,583
is that our basketball team
is really gay.
80
00:03:12,793 --> 00:03:14,454
So, what's it gonna take?
81
00:03:14,662 --> 00:03:17,859
A plum parking space? Free meals?
82
00:03:18,065 --> 00:03:22,900
A night of companionship,
if you know what I mean?
83
00:03:23,771 --> 00:03:25,671
I'll do it for the parking space.
84
00:03:25,873 --> 00:03:27,841
And if you promise not to
tell me what you mean.
85
00:03:28,042 --> 00:03:29,009
[§§§]
86
00:03:29,210 --> 00:03:30,268
All right. Yeah.
87
00:03:30,811 --> 00:03:33,609
Pierce, thank you.
I really appreciate
you helping me out.
88
00:03:33,814 --> 00:03:35,304
And I appreciate the opportunity.
89
00:03:35,516 --> 00:03:38,349
You know, sometimes I think
people don't take me seriously.
90
00:03:38,552 --> 00:03:39,541
BRlTTA:
What are you gonna do?
91
00:03:39,753 --> 00:03:41,618
Wave a pocket watch
in front of my face
92
00:03:41,822 --> 00:03:44,086
and tell me
I'm getting very sleepy.
93
00:03:44,325 --> 00:03:45,349
[CHUCKLES]
94
00:03:45,559 --> 00:03:47,618
Just checking the time.
95
00:03:47,962 --> 00:03:51,693
Now close your eyes
and keep them closed at all times.
96
00:03:52,166 --> 00:03:55,761
And listen to the soothing
sound of my voice.
97
00:03:55,970 --> 00:03:58,598
The only word that
will bring you out is
98
00:03:59,907 --> 00:04:01,374
"gorilla."
99
00:04:01,575 --> 00:04:05,341
Okay, now, focus on the rhythm
of your own breathing.
100
00:04:05,546 --> 00:04:06,570
[§§§]
101
00:04:06,780 --> 00:04:09,271
And when you feel the desire
to light up a cigarette
102
00:04:09,483 --> 00:04:13,044
you will associate these urges with
things in your life that disgust you.
103
00:04:13,254 --> 00:04:14,881
Bad tasting food,
104
00:04:15,089 --> 00:04:16,317
sex with men,
105
00:04:16,523 --> 00:04:18,081
wearing attractive clothing.
106
00:04:19,326 --> 00:04:20,793
[CLATTERlNG]
107
00:04:21,428 --> 00:04:23,828
Oh, God, I think I really hurt myself.
108
00:04:24,031 --> 00:04:25,498
Somebody help me.
109
00:04:25,933 --> 00:04:27,423
Oh! Britta, wake up.
110
00:04:27,635 --> 00:04:30,069
Why did I put you under so well?
111
00:04:30,271 --> 00:04:32,603
Damn my talents. Aah!
112
00:04:32,806 --> 00:04:36,173
The topic for the debate is,
"Are people inherently good or evil?"
113
00:04:36,377 --> 00:04:38,504
When do you want to
get together to strategize?
114
00:04:38,712 --> 00:04:40,179
Annie, I was a lawyer.
115
00:04:40,381 --> 00:04:41,814
I was a debater for money.
116
00:04:42,016 --> 00:04:44,211
I think I can handle this.
117
00:04:45,786 --> 00:04:46,844
So how was hypnotherapy?
118
00:04:47,054 --> 00:04:52,014
He fell down while I laid there
to make him feel like
a good hypnotherapist.
119
00:04:52,226 --> 00:04:54,694
You realize this will never end.
It's already done.
120
00:04:54,895 --> 00:04:56,362
He just wants one more session.
121
00:04:56,563 --> 00:04:58,190
[SlNGS]
§ Wah-waah! §
122
00:04:58,532 --> 00:05:00,500
TROY:
Where's Abed? I need to
talk to him about his films.
123
00:05:00,701 --> 00:05:03,829
That boy is flat-out prescient.
He can read our minds.
124
00:05:04,638 --> 00:05:05,832
[BOTH GASP]
125
00:05:07,007 --> 00:05:08,634
I know. You watched my movies.
126
00:05:08,842 --> 00:05:10,207
He's a witch.
Get him.
127
00:05:10,411 --> 00:05:12,641
I'm not a witch.
I'm a student of human character.
128
00:05:12,846 --> 00:05:15,644
I know you guys all so well
I can predict your behavior.
129
00:05:15,849 --> 00:05:20,115
Like, Shirley, I know you're a sweet,
Christian, generous person.
130
00:05:20,321 --> 00:05:22,846
Oh, that's nice.
Oh, that's nice.
131
00:05:23,057 --> 00:05:24,354
I know you have rage issues.
132
00:05:24,558 --> 00:05:26,389
Careful, boy. Oh!
Careful, boy.
133
00:05:26,827 --> 00:05:29,557
Here, check this out. May l? Okay.
Yeah.
134
00:05:30,998 --> 00:05:32,693
Jeff acts like nothing affects him,
135
00:05:32,900 --> 00:05:35,130
but things bother him more
than he lets on.
136
00:05:35,336 --> 00:05:37,497
Hey, I'm top of the class.
137
00:05:37,705 --> 00:05:38,672
[SCREAMlNG]
138
00:05:39,039 --> 00:05:40,870
He's also very vain.
139
00:05:41,342 --> 00:05:42,969
Pfft! Ridiculous.
140
00:05:43,177 --> 00:05:44,838
ALL:
Ohh.
141
00:05:46,313 --> 00:05:49,908
Why am I crying? Will I listen
to "Come Sail Away" by Styx again?
142
00:05:50,117 --> 00:05:53,553
Don't worry, Troy, it's just a movie.
I can't predict the future.
143
00:05:54,021 --> 00:05:55,852
I hurt my leg. Ah!
144
00:05:56,056 --> 00:05:57,648
[§§§]
145
00:05:57,858 --> 00:06:00,122
What up, happy people?
146
00:06:00,327 --> 00:06:02,488
You tell me my future
right now, evil wizard.
147
00:06:02,696 --> 00:06:05,756
By the way, I think your shirt's
trying to get out of your pants.
148
00:06:07,468 --> 00:06:11,996
As Golding's Lord of the Flies
demonstrates, man,
149
00:06:12,206 --> 00:06:15,039
when left to his own devices,
will descend
150
00:06:15,242 --> 00:06:18,769
into chaos and evil.
151
00:06:25,786 --> 00:06:29,950
And now, from City College,
Jeremy Simmons.
152
00:06:32,659 --> 00:06:35,423
STUDENTS [CHANTlNG]:
Jeremy. Jeremy.
153
00:06:35,629 --> 00:06:37,756
Jeremy. Jeremy.
154
00:06:42,102 --> 00:06:45,094
There were 23,000
155
00:06:46,006 --> 00:06:49,100
kidney donations
in America last year.
156
00:06:49,676 --> 00:06:51,041
Man is good.
157
00:06:51,245 --> 00:06:56,808
The average life expectancy
for a man in a community
158
00:06:57,317 --> 00:07:01,481
is 23 years longer
than a man alone.
159
00:07:01,688 --> 00:07:03,656
Man is good.
160
00:07:03,857 --> 00:07:08,385
And just 10 minutes ago,
a bald, bespectacled man
161
00:07:08,595 --> 00:07:11,621
held the door
for a man in a wheelchair.
162
00:07:11,832 --> 00:07:13,231
Man is good.
163
00:07:14,868 --> 00:07:17,428
Oh. Heh, heh. I hate this guy.
164
00:07:17,638 --> 00:07:19,799
By the end of this debate
165
00:07:20,007 --> 00:07:24,034
I will prove with facts and data
166
00:07:24,244 --> 00:07:27,941
that man is inherently good.
167
00:07:30,651 --> 00:07:33,449
Little trick for achieving
the proper competitive mind set.
168
00:07:33,654 --> 00:07:35,485
I always envision my opponent
169
00:07:35,689 --> 00:07:37,987
having aggressive sex
with my mother.
170
00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:45,074
Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today
171
00:07:47,201 --> 00:07:49,169
JEFF:
This feels so formal.
172
00:07:50,370 --> 00:07:52,065
Let's just talk.
173
00:07:52,639 --> 00:07:55,164
People are evil. They can't help it.
174
00:07:56,243 --> 00:07:58,177
I didn't catch your name.
175
00:07:58,879 --> 00:08:00,744
It's Jean.
Take Jean here.
176
00:08:00,948 --> 00:08:04,884
She spent a lot of time this morning
making herself look so lovely.
177
00:08:06,053 --> 00:08:09,511
Tell me, how many people bothered
to tell you how great you look today?
178
00:08:10,290 --> 00:08:11,655
None.
Man is evil.
179
00:08:11,859 --> 00:08:14,157
JEAN:
But you just said how great I looked.
180
00:08:14,361 --> 00:08:16,921
For my own selfish purposes.
181
00:08:17,130 --> 00:08:20,361
The fact is, as hot as you look
182
00:08:20,567 --> 00:08:24,901
and it is quite hot,
I wouldn't have said anything.
183
00:08:25,105 --> 00:08:27,130
When I talk about
people being evil,
184
00:08:27,341 --> 00:08:29,434
I could cite quotes,
or dig up statistics,
185
00:08:29,643 --> 00:08:31,804
but those are
just words and numbers.
186
00:08:32,012 --> 00:08:35,846
I think we could have
a little more fun
187
00:08:36,049 --> 00:08:39,712
if I express myself in song.
188
00:08:40,287 --> 00:08:43,586
ALL [SlNGlNG]:
§ Evil woman §
189
00:08:44,124 --> 00:08:47,355
§ Evil woman §§
190
00:08:48,962 --> 00:08:50,554
That's my time, everybody.
191
00:08:50,764 --> 00:08:52,561
Thank you very much. Yeah.
192
00:08:52,766 --> 00:08:54,529
[APPLAUSE AND CHEERlNG]
193
00:08:55,636 --> 00:08:57,797
At the end of round one.
194
00:08:58,005 --> 00:09:00,769
City College, 50.
195
00:09:02,709 --> 00:09:05,041
Greendale, eight.
196
00:09:05,312 --> 00:09:06,779
[§§§]
197
00:09:08,582 --> 00:09:10,482
JEFF:
I got eight?
198
00:09:12,286 --> 00:09:13,776
I only got eight?
She got eight.
199
00:09:13,987 --> 00:09:17,286
You got zero.
It's debate, not American Idol.
200
00:09:20,661 --> 00:09:22,424
Nice work, L.A. Law.
201
00:09:22,629 --> 00:09:25,029
All sizzle, no steak.
202
00:09:25,232 --> 00:09:27,723
I don't care, dude.
I'm doing this for a parking space.
203
00:09:27,935 --> 00:09:29,562
MAN:
Let's go, boys. Come on, let's go.
204
00:09:29,770 --> 00:09:32,102
I wanna see some hustlers
out there. Let's go.
205
00:09:32,306 --> 00:09:34,968
By Zeus.
What sort of jackassery is this?
206
00:09:35,175 --> 00:09:37,075
We're in the middle of a debate.
207
00:09:37,277 --> 00:09:40,075
We reserved the gym
for practice so...
208
00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:41,338
Yup, they reserved it.
209
00:09:41,548 --> 00:09:44,210
Okay, they got us by the short ones.
210
00:09:44,418 --> 00:09:46,943
The debate is suspended
until tomorrow.
211
00:09:47,154 --> 00:09:49,918
Hopefully, by then we can
get our act together.
212
00:09:51,291 --> 00:09:54,158
COACH:
Oh, great try, Bruce. Great try.
213
00:09:56,663 --> 00:09:59,063
ANNlE:
When are we getting together
to prepare for tomorrow?
214
00:09:59,266 --> 00:10:01,393
Never. Because it's stupid
and I don't care.
215
00:10:01,602 --> 00:10:03,399
Bite me.
216
00:10:04,972 --> 00:10:08,305
Maybe Simmons is right.
You really are all sizzle and no steak.
217
00:10:08,508 --> 00:10:11,739
You probably couldn't beat him.
What do you mean, I can't beat him?
218
00:10:11,945 --> 00:10:15,711
You and I are going to study harder
and beat City College tomorrow.
219
00:10:15,916 --> 00:10:16,940
Really?
No.
220
00:10:17,150 --> 00:10:19,345
Who am l, iCarly?
221
00:10:19,553 --> 00:10:22,750
Abed is right, you act like things
don't bother you, but they do.
222
00:10:22,956 --> 00:10:26,016
Look, six months ago
I was a lawyer. I wore suits.
223
00:10:26,226 --> 00:10:29,161
I used to say stuff
like "objection" and "sidebar."
224
00:10:29,363 --> 00:10:31,661
Now I'm losing
a community college debate
225
00:10:31,865 --> 00:10:33,799
to Jeremy "Soul Patch" Simmons.
226
00:10:34,001 --> 00:10:35,298
Hey, Winger.
227
00:10:36,269 --> 00:10:37,793
You like to sing?
228
00:10:38,005 --> 00:10:40,371
I like to sing too.
229
00:10:40,574 --> 00:10:43,975
[SlNGlNG]
§ Zero for Winger §
230
00:10:44,645 --> 00:10:45,634
Kick that.
231
00:10:45,846 --> 00:10:48,508
§ Was a big shot lawyer §
232
00:10:50,150 --> 00:10:55,986
§ Now he's a loser §§
233
00:10:56,189 --> 00:10:58,623
Lay off, Simmons.
Jeff didn't understand the rules.
234
00:10:58,825 --> 00:11:00,383
Yeah?
235
00:11:00,594 --> 00:11:04,325
What's your excuse, eight points?
Dude, leave her out of this.
236
00:11:04,531 --> 00:11:10,470
[SlNGlNG]
§ Little Annie Adderall
Was an outcast in high school §§
237
00:11:10,671 --> 00:11:13,834
That's it. Dude, we are gonna
debate the living crap out of you.
238
00:11:15,842 --> 00:11:17,867
We've got some preparing to do.
239
00:11:18,078 --> 00:11:19,477
I liked you better smoking.
240
00:11:19,680 --> 00:11:21,045
I'm so sorry.
No.
241
00:11:21,248 --> 00:11:23,876
You're right,
my feet are long and stupid.
242
00:11:24,317 --> 00:11:25,750
You can't unring that bell.
243
00:11:25,952 --> 00:11:26,976
[§§§]
244
00:11:27,187 --> 00:11:28,848
Oh, no.
245
00:11:29,923 --> 00:11:32,289
That's my newspaper.
What do you need a paper for?
246
00:11:32,492 --> 00:11:34,892
You knew what was gonna happen,
you Magic Eight Ball.
247
00:11:35,095 --> 00:11:37,325
Pierce hurt his leg.
Britta made Troy cry.
248
00:11:38,265 --> 00:11:40,324
What's my destiny?
Am I gonna die in a car?
249
00:11:40,534 --> 00:11:44,163
Is it going to happen soon?
Shirley, I'm just an entertainer.
250
00:11:44,371 --> 00:11:46,202
But if it will make you feel better,
251
00:11:46,406 --> 00:11:48,567
here, let me show you
what I'm working on.
252
00:11:50,343 --> 00:11:52,106
[WEREWOLF GROWLlNG]
[ABED'S SHlRLEY SCREAMlNG]
253
00:11:52,312 --> 00:11:54,610
Were-- No. Were...
254
00:11:55,082 --> 00:11:57,277
Is that me being
chased down by a werewolf?
255
00:11:57,484 --> 00:11:59,884
Yeah, that's how you'd behave
in that situation. No?
256
00:12:00,087 --> 00:12:02,351
The situation being me
being chased down by a werewolf.
257
00:12:02,556 --> 00:12:03,853
Mm-hm.
258
00:12:09,730 --> 00:12:11,197
And that's Jeff
locking lips with Annie?
259
00:12:11,398 --> 00:12:14,299
Mm-hm. Yeah.
You're a fool.
260
00:12:14,501 --> 00:12:17,993
Stanford students were divided
into prisoners and guards.
261
00:12:18,205 --> 00:12:19,229
The guards immediately
started to abuse--
262
00:12:19,439 --> 00:12:20,406
Ugh!
263
00:12:20,607 --> 00:12:24,338
What's wrong?
I have this pain above my eyebrow.
264
00:12:24,544 --> 00:12:27,240
It's a stress headache.
I got my first one when I was 4.
265
00:12:27,447 --> 00:12:28,539
I hate it.
266
00:12:28,749 --> 00:12:31,479
Well, get to used to it.
You're knee-deep in it, brother.
267
00:12:31,685 --> 00:12:32,674
This is debate.
268
00:12:32,886 --> 00:12:35,286
If you want to win,
you need to prepare.
269
00:12:35,489 --> 00:12:36,478
Well, agreed.
270
00:12:36,690 --> 00:12:39,989
But if you want to win,
you need to loosen up.
271
00:12:40,193 --> 00:12:42,957
Go off-book, robot debater.
272
00:12:43,764 --> 00:12:45,425
Oh, my gosh.
273
00:12:46,700 --> 00:12:48,190
You're right.
274
00:12:49,169 --> 00:12:52,400
Simmons is so good at
using his inherent magnetism
275
00:12:52,606 --> 00:12:56,508
to sell his points and here I am,
like a spinster librarian
276
00:12:56,710 --> 00:12:57,972
with my hair pulled back.
277
00:12:58,612 --> 00:12:59,977
Yeah.
278
00:13:01,148 --> 00:13:02,342
[§§§]
279
00:13:08,655 --> 00:13:11,249
What do you think?
Yeah.
280
00:13:12,592 --> 00:13:14,355
Thanks.
281
00:13:15,128 --> 00:13:17,358
Be careful. Abed thinks
you two are going to kiss.
282
00:13:17,998 --> 00:13:20,364
Ha-ha-ha! Ridiculous.
283
00:13:21,001 --> 00:13:22,866
Us kissing.
284
00:13:23,069 --> 00:13:25,003
That is ridiculous.
Totally.
285
00:13:25,338 --> 00:13:26,737
[ANNlE CHUCKLES]
286
00:13:30,977 --> 00:13:32,706
We should get back to work.
Yes.
287
00:13:32,913 --> 00:13:36,872
Okay. The--
People are inherently evil.
288
00:13:37,083 --> 00:13:39,881
Oh, we can use this Hobbes quote.
289
00:13:40,720 --> 00:13:43,985
"Man is a collection
of base, animal urges.
290
00:13:44,191 --> 00:13:46,853
To act on them
and experience sinful pleasure
291
00:13:47,060 --> 00:13:50,826
would be morally no different
than taking a breath."
292
00:13:52,532 --> 00:13:54,500
That's poignant, right?
Yeah.
293
00:13:54,701 --> 00:13:56,931
You know,
maybe we should study alone.
294
00:13:57,137 --> 00:13:58,798
Yeah. Uh-huh.
Separately.
295
00:13:59,005 --> 00:14:01,974
That way we can be more
reproductive-- Productive.
296
00:14:02,309 --> 00:14:03,333
[§§§]
297
00:14:03,543 --> 00:14:05,067
Bye.
Bye.
298
00:14:10,050 --> 00:14:12,951
Oh, you forgot your phone.
Oh, I can get another one.
299
00:14:14,254 --> 00:14:16,984
The next time you
even see a cigarette,
300
00:14:17,190 --> 00:14:19,750
you will think of things
that disgust you.
301
00:14:24,998 --> 00:14:28,399
And while you're under so deep,
302
00:14:28,835 --> 00:14:32,601
you'll find yourself attracted
to slightly older men.
303
00:14:33,273 --> 00:14:38,973
Perhaps some barrel-chested stud
with just enough, heh, tummy to love.
304
00:14:39,179 --> 00:14:40,976
You'll want to buy him dinner.
305
00:14:41,181 --> 00:14:42,944
Then go back to his hot tub.
306
00:14:43,149 --> 00:14:46,118
You'll invite one of your friends
to join us for a three-way.
307
00:14:46,319 --> 00:14:50,415
Maybe someone with low self-esteem
and slightly larger breasts.
308
00:14:51,625 --> 00:14:53,786
Go to hell, you disgusting pig.
309
00:14:53,994 --> 00:14:55,052
A-ha!
310
00:14:55,262 --> 00:14:57,253
Pierce, I was awake
the whole time.
I was faking it.
311
00:14:57,464 --> 00:14:59,591
I know. I saw you.
312
00:14:59,799 --> 00:15:02,063
What do you think I am? Some joke?
No.
313
00:15:02,269 --> 00:15:05,238
No, I was trying to make you
feel better about yourself.
314
00:15:05,438 --> 00:15:08,032
How dare you pity me.
315
00:15:09,209 --> 00:15:11,336
I may be a little older,
316
00:15:11,544 --> 00:15:15,537
my ideas may seem weird,
my fashion sense may cause envy,
317
00:15:15,749 --> 00:15:20,584
but I have a lot to offer
and I will not to be pitied.
318
00:15:27,794 --> 00:15:29,284
Do not help me up.
319
00:15:30,797 --> 00:15:34,961
And as German poet
Franz Wickmeyer once wrote:
320
00:15:37,037 --> 00:15:40,029
"Snow falls from the heavens pure.
321
00:15:41,408 --> 00:15:45,845
We cannot blame the snow
for being soiled by the Earth."
322
00:15:50,483 --> 00:15:52,576
[SNlFFLlNG]
Man is good.
323
00:15:56,189 --> 00:15:57,486
[TROY CRYlNG]
324
00:15:57,691 --> 00:15:59,318
What? That dude gets it.
325
00:15:59,926 --> 00:16:02,360
Jeff Winger will now offer
a two-minute rebuttal.
326
00:16:05,999 --> 00:16:07,330
Hey, sizzle.
327
00:16:07,534 --> 00:16:10,526
What are you going to sing tonight?
I'm in the mood for Sade.
328
00:16:15,675 --> 00:16:19,771
In the Stanford Prison Experiment,
21 out of 21 students,
329
00:16:19,980 --> 00:16:24,679
when given absolute power, abused
and tortured their fellow students.
330
00:16:24,884 --> 00:16:28,843
My competitor likened people
to pure, falling snow.
331
00:16:29,055 --> 00:16:34,721
I would respond,
"There is none righteous,
no, not one."
332
00:16:34,928 --> 00:16:39,365
Now, I realize Mr. Simmons' quote
was from the great Franz Wickmeyer.
333
00:16:39,566 --> 00:16:43,400
Mine was just from
a simple desert handyman
334
00:16:43,603 --> 00:16:44,797
named Jesus.
335
00:16:45,171 --> 00:16:46,763
[§§§]
336
00:16:48,575 --> 00:16:50,065
Oh, that's nice.
337
00:16:50,577 --> 00:16:54,673
Survival of the fittest wires
an impulse to eliminate people
into our hearts.
338
00:16:54,881 --> 00:16:57,475
Counter point.
Mother Teresa, Joan of Arc.
339
00:16:57,684 --> 00:16:59,208
Rebuttal.
Nuclear bombs.
340
00:16:59,419 --> 00:17:01,410
Nuclear families.
Abu Ghraib.
341
00:17:01,621 --> 00:17:03,748
Apu from The Simpsons.
Double rejoinder.
342
00:17:03,957 --> 00:17:05,584
Telemarketers.
Organ donors.
343
00:17:05,792 --> 00:17:07,157
Hate crimes.
Executions.
344
00:17:07,360 --> 00:17:08,725
Ketchup is a vegetable.
345
00:17:08,928 --> 00:17:11,021
Wow. This is a real barn-burner.
346
00:17:11,231 --> 00:17:12,858
Oh, God, did I just
say cross-burner?
347
00:17:13,066 --> 00:17:15,091
No, you did not.
Oh, good.
348
00:17:15,301 --> 00:17:16,427
We make an amazing team.
349
00:17:16,636 --> 00:17:19,628
I know, we're so in sync,
we're like a perfect duet or great se--
350
00:17:19,839 --> 00:17:22,672
Hey, Professor Whitman.
Your preparation was impeccable.
351
00:17:22,876 --> 00:17:26,334
You remind me of a young me
with slightly worse hair.
352
00:17:26,546 --> 00:17:27,979
I just checked with the judges.
353
00:17:28,181 --> 00:17:30,308
They'll need a miracle
to win in rebuttal.
354
00:17:30,517 --> 00:17:32,712
Simmons is finished.
355
00:17:33,453 --> 00:17:35,478
This is too much for me.
356
00:17:37,557 --> 00:17:38,546
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
357
00:17:39,893 --> 00:17:41,520
He's going off-book.
358
00:17:42,896 --> 00:17:45,387
Why is he ripping the cards,
doesn't he need the cards?
359
00:17:45,598 --> 00:17:46,963
It's a gambit.
360
00:17:47,167 --> 00:17:48,896
[§§§]
361
00:18:20,300 --> 00:18:22,291
[ALL GASP]
[SlMMONS GRUNTS]
362
00:18:26,039 --> 00:18:30,601
He hates me, yet he caught me.
363
00:18:32,045 --> 00:18:34,275
Man is good.
364
00:18:49,129 --> 00:18:51,120
Abed. Abed.
365
00:18:54,300 --> 00:18:56,768
He was horny, so he dropped him.
366
00:19:00,673 --> 00:19:03,767
Man is evil.
367
00:19:03,977 --> 00:19:05,945
[EDWARD SHARPE
& THE MAGNETlC ZEROS'
"HOME" PLAYlNG]
368
00:19:09,149 --> 00:19:10,343
Greendale wins.
369
00:19:12,919 --> 00:19:14,648
WHlTMAN:
Huzzah!
370
00:19:16,422 --> 00:19:17,684
Eat that, Simmons.
371
00:19:20,827 --> 00:19:22,419
God.
372
00:19:22,729 --> 00:19:25,095
That off-book enough for you?
373
00:19:30,503 --> 00:19:31,834
Simmons got robbed.
374
00:19:32,038 --> 00:19:34,404
They kissed. You do have powers.
375
00:19:34,607 --> 00:19:35,904
I'm going to die by werewolf.
376
00:19:36,109 --> 00:19:38,043
Shirley, I don't have powers.
Trust me.
377
00:19:38,244 --> 00:19:41,236
In my next film, we discover
Pierce is an actual genius.
378
00:19:41,447 --> 00:19:43,472
That's not gonna happen.
No, it's not.
379
00:19:43,683 --> 00:19:45,810
Pierce, I can't smoke a cigarette
380
00:19:46,019 --> 00:19:48,317
without thinking of a three-way
in your hot tub.
381
00:19:48,521 --> 00:19:50,682
You did it.
Yes.
382
00:19:50,890 --> 00:19:52,915
I did?
You're a genius.
383
00:19:53,126 --> 00:19:54,855
Who's the third?
384
00:19:55,128 --> 00:19:56,493
[WHlTMAN & PELTON LAUGHlNG]
385
00:19:56,696 --> 00:19:58,323
You did great in there.
386
00:19:58,531 --> 00:20:00,465
Let's take this bacchanalia outside.
387
00:20:00,667 --> 00:20:02,567
Full moon tonight.
388
00:20:05,271 --> 00:20:07,432
Shirley. Shirley.
389
00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:08,766
[§§§]
390
00:20:08,975 --> 00:20:11,443
Well, I'm going this way, so...
391
00:20:11,644 --> 00:20:14,613
Well, congratulations,
392
00:20:14,814 --> 00:20:15,974
buddy.
393
00:20:16,182 --> 00:20:17,308
Thanks,
394
00:20:17,517 --> 00:20:19,212
pal.
395
00:20:24,691 --> 00:20:26,454
Just pat me.
396
00:20:32,465 --> 00:20:34,092
[BEAT-BOXlNG]
397
00:20:37,470 --> 00:20:39,631
[BOTH RAPPlNG lN SPANlSH]
398
00:20:48,248 --> 00:20:51,479
Cut. Cut, let me ask you a question.
Do you hate this?
399
00:20:51,684 --> 00:20:53,083
Do you hate doing this?
400
00:20:53,286 --> 00:20:54,378
Do you?
401
00:20:54,587 --> 00:20:56,646
Can I talk to you for a second?
Just hold on.
402
00:20:57,223 --> 00:20:58,952
[TROY & ABED WHlSPERlNG
lNDlSTlNCTLY]
403
00:21:04,664 --> 00:21:06,393
Just have fun with it.
404
00:21:07,734 --> 00:21:08,792
Take 36.
404
00:21:09,305 --> 00:21:15,320
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