All language subtitles for S01E06 - Football, Feminism and You.en

- a small fading remnant
of a star.

- a white dwarf.
- that's right!

- i used a memory technique.

dwarves hate being called
midgets,

and midgets are small.

- and...

what does a star turn into
after it collapses?

- a movie of the week.

- black hole.
- right!

troy! you could be
an astronomer.

- as far as i'm concerned,

there's only one black hole
worth studying.

it's called sagittarius a,

it's located in the center
of our galaxy,

and it has the density
of 40 suns.

just like my weiner.
- ha ha.

you said weiner.
that's funny.

- pierce and troy
didn't get along at first,

but now they're bonding
through mutual adolescence.

- shut up, boo-boo head.
- will you shut up, fart head?

- hi, everybody.
[chuckles]

well, look at this group
having some kind of meeting

and being so diverse.

there is just--boy!

there is just one of
every kind of you, isn't there?

- well, we are missing
a pipsqueak,

but we don't want one,
so beat it.

- um, pierce, that's the dean.

- are you kidding?
- mm-mm.

- sorry.
just my luck.

- it's all right.
don't let me interrupt.

sometimes i just roll around
campus like a little football.

i can't believe this.

here i am in a random
conversation about football,

and i'm talking
to troy barnes,

star quarterback
from riverside high...whoa.

troy, did you know that
greendale has a football team?

- did you know
they had a football?

- ha. that's very funny.

troy, i was so sorry
to hear about your injury.

but now that you have
recovered,

we would love for you to play
for the human beings.

- the team's name
is the human beings?

- yeah. my idea.

it was
the greendale grizzlies,

but i thought that, um...

[softly]
well, a lot of these students

have been called animals
their whole lives.

unfortunately, i don't know
what to do about the mascot.

- oh, i can help you
with that, your honor.

i have
a wealth of experience

in image management,
icon development,

and y2k preparedness.

troy, all of your friends
are lining up

to turn greendale around.

how about you?

- troy isn't interested
in football anymore.

getting injured
in that keg stand

was the best thing
that ever happened to him.

- whoa! yoko ono much?

bros before hoes, troy.

- [chuckles]
listen, man.

no offense,
but i was the best,

and i finished on top.

i wouldn't play for this school
with a 10-foot pole.

- dean, i'm sure troy
will sign up for football

if and when some accident

damages the part of his brain
that feels pride.

until then,
would you excuse us?

- all right, well, uh...
if you change your mind,

the field is always open.

oh, figuratively speaking.

you know,
wednesdays and sundays

it's used as parking overflow
for the mega-church.

okay.
[chuckles]

- now let's meet
the minimum requirements

for a language credit,
shall we?

- yes, but i need to go
to the bathroom first.

uh, britta?
- oh, no, i don't have to go.

- i'll go with you.

- what?
she's offended?

- girls go in groups.

did you learn nothing from
stand-up comedy in the '90s?

- i'm familiar with the concept.
i'm just--[stammers] fine.

if it's important to shirley,
i'll go with her next time.

i'm willing to try some more
mainstream feminine stuff.

- well, then you should know
that nothing says "i'm a woman"

like doing it with me.

- nothing says, "i'm a pig"
like you.

- will they or won't they?
sexual tension.

- abed, it makes the group
uncomfortable

when you talk about us

like we're characters
in a show you're watching.

- well, that's sort of
my gimmick.

but we did lean on that
pretty hard last week.

i can lay low
for an episode.

- * i can't count *

* the reasons i should stay *

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- you sure you made the right
call on the football team, troy?

it looks like
they won something once.

"most valued customer.
henderson trophy cases."

- so we should still study

a little more astronomy
later, right?

maybe over some milky ways
or some mars bars.

- or pancakes!

- "i'm jeff. and i'm a student
at greendale."

that's not good.

- wood undergoes
rapid oxidation

because it reacts
spontaneously to--

okay, guys, seriously,
we've talked about this, okay?

you have got to turn off
your cell--

that's mine.
my bad.

- [whispers]
i'm going to the bathroom.

- hi!

- would you like
to come with me?

- well, yes, yes, i would.

oh, that's nice!

- okay, what's it called?

antoni--an--hold on.

does anyone have a pen?
pen?

no one has a pen.

why would you not bring
a pen to class?

idiot.

no, you're not an idiot.
[loud laugh]

- i had my blinker on
about five minutes,

and this no-good,
clearly bald

but trying to hide it
with a bandana loser

swooped right in.
i couldn't believe it.

- maybe he didn't see you.
- he saw me!

- maybe he had
his blinker on too.

- maybe. so you...
got any family, britta?

- yeah, whatever.

- think my mom might visit
this weekend.

she and i are gonna get
makeovers at that spa--

- makeovers.

they sure have us programmed,
right?

[robotic voice]
i am a female pleasure unit.

i require a new
coat of paint.

- just something
i thought might be fun.

- here's something i think
might be fun.

let's find out the number
of makeup companies

that are owned by women.

i'll save you the trouble.
it's zero.

but of course you're saying,
"britta, aren't you a hypocrite?

"you're plastered with glitter
and goo from head to toe,

just like the rest of us."

well, i also pay income tax
and pull over for cops,

but that doesn't mean
i support--

[hand dryer whirs loudly]

- thanks for offering to help
design the new mascot.

i, uh, have been
a little stumped.

- that's no problem.

by the way,
i took the liberty

of thumbnailing
a human being prototype

which i modeled after da vinci's
vitruvian man.

- the penis is a little
small, i think.

- oh, i think it's--
oh. okay.

it...looks a lot like you.

um, here's the thing.

if we are the human beings,
you know,

and we have a mascot
that's just a white guy,

what message are we sending?

our symbol needs to reflect
the diversity of our school

and our species.

- so...black?

- no. no, because we're not
the greendale blacks,

mr. hawthorne,
or the greendale asians

or any other creed.

we are the greendale
human beings.

[knock on door]
yeah.

- sorry to disturb you guys...

who are clearly looking
at a naked drawing

of pierce
doing jumping jacks.

dean, a quick download, please?
- uh, absolutely.

excuse me.
- okay. fill me in later.

ah.

whoa-oh.

i'll go with a pencil.

- first of all...
- mm-hmm.

- i'm flattered.
- oh, well.

you're a very photogenic man.

is that real bed head, or do you
put something in there?

can i?
oh, it's crispy.

- i was thinking about the four
disembodied heads,

and i thought,
where's the heart?

where's the soul?

where's the different
poster design?

- you know, i did think
those were less than personable,

which is why i went with
the full bodies

in these mailers
we have going out.

- mailers? i didn't give
permission for this.

- jeffrey, did you not read
the release agreement

on the back
of your registration form?

i'm starting to see why
someone used to be a lawyer.

ha ha! up top!

- if someone from the outside
were to find--

okay, if someone from
the outside were to find out

that i am a student
at a community college,

that could have a negative
impact on my future career.

- oh. goodness.

look what we have
stumbled onto--

an opportunity
to help each other out.

i suppose i wouldn't need
this promotional campaign

if i could announce
to the press

that troy barnes
is playing football here.

- i think he's been
pretty clear

about declining that offer.

- i think if you said, "jump,"
he'd say, "how high?"

if you said, "stop,"
he'd say, "hammertime."

you starting to get
what i mean?

- no. i need another example.

- you know, i didn't...
realize before,

but we should send those out
to local businesses.

hmm?

law firms.

lawyer...

companies?

legal...

gatherings?

- are you trying to
blackmail me?

- i think so.

- gentlemen...

i present to you
the greendale human being.

- that's a falcon with a gun.

now it's a falcon
with an erection.

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man, that backcountry today
was epic!

well worth
the jellybeaning.

blue bird day
to shred some pow.

you remember that freshie pillow
line that we barged?

i thought i was gonna squirrel
out for sure!

you were squirrelly
all over the place.

plus, you didn't even see
my switch back side rodeo.

chill out knuckle dragger,
it's not all about you.

the dome arrives later.
it comes with thunder.

let me tell you a little
secret about me, troy.

every day
on my way to school,

i drive through downtown
past the courthouse

just to get a glimpse
of the world that i once ruled.

and i just wanna jump
out of my car,

run up the steps and...

exploit the legal system
for profit.

but i can't.

i'm locked out of
my old kingdom.

you're not.
you see what i'm saying?

- you're saying
i could be a lawyer.

- i'm saying
you're a football player!

it's in your blood!
- that's racist!

- your soul.
- that's racist.

- your eyes?
- that's gay?

- that's homophobic.
- that's black.

- that's racist!
- damn.

- when you played,
you were a god.

now you're not playing,
and you're not.

i'd tell you to do the math,
but math isn't important.

the only thing that's important
is this.

- yeah, but annie said--

- annie said that
benjamin button was compelling.

look, she's a smart girl,
but sometimes she's just wrong.

85--go long!

it's like a drug, isn't it?

feel it, troy.
throw it!

the scoreboard lights up.

there will be a scoreboard
there.

it's complete!
nice catch!

the girls, the glory,
the scouts, the career!

it starts
when you join this team.

- is that linebacker
a pregnant woman?

- look,
you can meet them later.

but this decision
has to be yours, t-bone.

and this decision
has to be yes.

- how did you know
my nickname's t-bone?

- because you're
a football player,

and your name
begins with "t."

your name...begins...

with "t."

- britta?

- oh. are you finished?

i mean, i have to go,

but apparently,
i failed yesterday's tryouts

for the position
of bathroom companion.

- oh, britta, i wasn't trying
to hurt your feelings.

- you didn't hurt
my feelings, shirley.

i don't need to go to
the bathroom with other people.

i was just trying to throw you
a bone because i like you.

- oh. you can keep that bone.

listening to a story about
a stranger pissing me off

and taking
the stranger's side?

and then you can't talk
about your own business,

but you insinuate
my mama's a robot

because she and i
want makeovers.

that is the ladies' room,
britta,

a place where ladies
go to share, listen,

support each other and...
discreetly eliminate waste.

and i like you too.

even like that
you're a little hard.

but if you can't learn
to be soft in there,

you need to pee alone.

- i've peed alone
my whole life.

women have always hated me.

i don't even know
how it started.

maybe it was when i got boobs
before everyb--

- shh, shh, shh.

not out here.

in there.

- whoo!

ha ha!
troy, troy, the wonder boy!

you dropped your books,
poindexter. yeah!

- troy, i've been waiting
for an hour.

- it's all right, i'm worth it.
* hip, hop, body don't stop *

- troy.

why are you doing
a politically conservative

high school shamefully
outdated fight rap?

have you been playing
football?

- threw the skin around
a couple of times.

still got it.

eh...eh...eh...eh...

doosh!

- but you knew we had
an astronomy test tomorrow.

- class blows.

what i need to know
about the universe

is that i'm at the center
of it.

- troy! stop!

don't become
this person again.

this isn't the real you.

this is the arrogant jock

that totally ignored the only
people that truly liked him

for non-superficial reasons

but weren't allowed
to say anything

because their parents
are bigots!

- football is bad for you,
troy.

- jeff said you'd say that.

- jeff...what now?

- troy!
troy, troy, troy.

that's my name.

- i think if we add in
a little bit of phylicia rashad

we'll be in better shape.
- yeah, you're right.

that beige is a little light.

wow.

- yeah. yeah.

we are developing
the perfect mascot.

no stereotypical identifiers
from any race or gender.

- see, jeff, this is
a chart of the features

we're staying away from--
pan-asian eye folds,

irish chins,
women's breasts.

- is that seal?
- that is our human color wheel.

it goes from seal
to seal's teeth.

- what do you think?

- i think not being racist
is the new racism.

- whoa, whoa, whoa--
what happened to the prototype?

- ooh! i left the nose
in the kiln.

- so...troy is gonna
play football.

- yes!

- which means i'll be getting
rid of these.

- no. i won't mail these out,
but they are staying with me

until the press announces
that troy is a part of the team.

and i want him
at that pep rally tonight.

reporters are gonna be there.

we're gonna unveil
the new mascot.

and things are finally going
to start turning around.

oh, and...my ex-therapist

is gonna think twice
before he makes fun of my job!

- here it is.
still hot.

- ooh. ow.

- oh, dean, i'm gonna get
some more coffee.

you want anything?
- oh, yeah, a desmond tutu

with just enough cream to
make it a lou diamond phillips.

- la bamba.
got it.

i've been following you.

how much did the dean pay you
to make troy play football?

- i'm not having a conversation
with someone

who emerges from a bush.

- because i'm right?

- no. because i'm not in a
commercial for breakfast cereal.

look...the dean has pictures
of me, okay?

horrible pictures of me...

attending his school.

- and for that
you'd convince troy

to flush his life down
football's toilet again?

britta's right, you are the most
selfish person alive!

and all that
is gonna end right now.

because i'm telling him what
kind of friend you really are.

- maybe you should tell him

you're hopelessly in love
with him.

high school
must have been tough, huh?

waiting for a superstar
to notice you.

but here...here...
he's all alone,

and he needs so much help!

did you enroll
in all of his classes,

or were you worried
that might freak him out?

the important thing is that
you are there for him.

the important thing is that you
are the only one there for him.

and you don't really care
what he wants...

just as long
as you don't have to

share him with
the rest of the world.

because, really, you are
just as selfish as i am.

you're just not
as good at it yet.

- you're right.

i could never be
as good as you.

probably because
i actually care.

- profound, but technically
meaningless.

and don't bother trying
that thing that women do

where they walk away and make
the guy feel like crap,

because it won't happen!

yeah!

damn it.

- shirley, will you please come
to the bathroom with me?

where's shirley?

- shirley's not coming.

but i'm here...

to listen...girl.

- why do we inflict
so much pain on ourselves

for men?
- i don't--

know...sweetie.

maybe...it's because men
make the world go round?

kleenex?

i've been...

infatuated with troy.

now he's joining football.

now he'll have
his pick of the litter and...

i'll never get
to be with him! [sobbing]

- oh, annie, screw him!

there are guys out there
that would kill to be with you.

and if troy
isn't one of them,

that's him failing
your standards.

you got that?

- you're right.

i can't control him.

and if i truly cared
about him,

i wouldn't want to.

thanks for talking to me,
britta.

it really helped.
- seriously?

- yes.
- who's my girl?

'scuse me!
- i did it, i did it!

- oh, yes, you did!

men chanting:
human beings, human beings!

human beings,
human beings!

- troy! troy!

don't go in there, man.
- what?

- you got the most you were
ever gonna get out of football

in high school.

a life of disillusionment
and depression

begins on the other side
of that door.

- hey, man...is this your
first pep rally or something?

- you told me

football was the most important
thing in the world.

- well, buckle up, troy.
i was exaggerating.

it's kinda my gimmick.
let me tell you something--

- no, let me tell you
something.

you know that keg flip
that cost me my scholarship?

- yeah.

- i hurt myself on purpose.
- what?

- there was a scout coming
to the final game at riverside

and...i couldn't
take the pressure,

so i took the easy way out.

but when you showed me
that field,

i saw there was nothing
to worry about here.

i could just play football
for the fun of it.

i mean,
have you seen these guys?

there is nowhere
to go but up.

- dude, we have feelings.

- i don't know about you,
but i know i ended up here

because things weren't
that great out there.

you should try accepting
where you're at, man.

take a pottery class
or something.

greendale, we're number one!

nancy pelosi is no fun!

- hey.
- hey.

i've decided
to support troy.

they deploy things
in football, right?

i went for rhyme
over clarity.

- look, i'm, uh...i'm really
sorry about before.

i just think
we were both wrong.

- really? because
i'm an 18-year-old girl,

and you made me cry
in public.

- mm. okay, maybe i was
a little more wrong.

i should grow up
and make peace with being here.

i mean, it's not like

greendale's gonna kill me
or anything.

- bluuulll...
- holy crap!

- aah!
- oh, sorry.

hey, say hello to our
ethnically neutral mascot--

the greendale human being.

the costume makes it
difficult for him to see.

- he can't move his mouth
either.

but take it from me,
that's human for "hello."

[yelling] let's get you
into the pep rally!

- great idea.
let's do it!

we've solved racism.
what's next?

- uh, let's do something
for little people.

ooh! or albinos!
- little albinos.

- this has the potential

to be a uniquely
greendale experience.

milady.

- milord.

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